Oversharing - Will I Ever Find My Happy Ending?

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

It’s only been a week and Jordana’s social media break is over, leading to a conversation about feeling triggered by other people’s IG posts. Then they dive into an email from a listener who regrets her life choices from the past decade and feels like her chance at happiness is already over by her mid-30’s. How do we rewrite our own story and take control of our destiny without getting discouraged? Next, the Betchicist email is all about reaching back out to someone you have wronged. When is it okay to be the ex who pops back in with an apology? Finally, they tackle some Triggered questions about an airline seat dispute, a mother who won’t listen, and a tardy engagement gift. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

It's good. I mean, it's funny. We're doing two, we're recording two episodes in two days because of a scheduling thing. So last week's episode, I told you that I had deleted the Instagram app and it is the next day and it is back. So my grand gesture is a. Well, maybe you could share your process. Was it intentional? Was it like an impulse thing?

How did you find yourself redownloading it? I found myself on, again, like on Facebook stories, which are like, it's the lamer version of Instagram. Like I'm digging into the dredges of... Yeah. I need to get my fix somewhere. Right. But it's funny, I was thinking this a little bit because you see yesterday it was Halloween. And there's so many people with like putting pictures up and you were just talking about this like your kids and your family costume.

And it just, it's kind of funny. It reminds me, it's sort of like as a 33 year old person, it kind of feels like, this is like one of the first years that like most of the people I feel like know. like have kids who are like they're old enough to like wear a costume and wear a costume or even if they're not old enough like the parents still like like it's like a lot of people and it almost kind of feels like Valentine's Day when you're single yes yes I was thinking that you know and it's sometimes like I don't really I try to not go on social media too much I do have an account but I you know and I don't I rarely post and part of it is I almost feel like I I'm considering the people and the other side of it. You know, like, I'm kind of thinking, like, why do I need to put this up here?

I could just send it out to a few of my close friends who I know are really going to want to do this, but I'm sure the people that, you know, are not in a relationship or the people that are not, don't have kids. Like, they probably, you know, they probably don't really want to see this. Maybe it's like a little annoying to them or, you know, so I'm sort of self-aware of how, like, being bombarded with all of this might feel if you're in a different stage of life and it's not something right that you have i guess it's the same way i might feel if someone's posting pictures of like them and a vacation in some yeah vacation on the other side of the world like you know relaxing on a floaty you know i guess i'm sorry for triggering you when i've done that

many many vacation many vacation pictures yeah no i mean that's a that's a good point i think i I mean, like, part of that's crossed my mind in terms of, like, sharing things and how it might make others feel. But I am always brought back to the fact that, and this might sound a little callous, but I feel like your triggers are your problems to work through. They're not other people's, like, you can't, I think this was in that book that we both read, the untethered soul, where it's like, if you go through life just trying to, like, avoid anything that could make you feel bad or anything, like, you still have that thing. you're just like masking it with this like band-aid of like getting it away from you. But the end of the day, you still feel the same way. But like the real way to get over that is to like work through it and then to like eliminate it as a trigger for you instead of just expecting the world to like move around and get out

of the like move their way around in order to not trigger you is like a much harder way to go about life. Totally. And it's true. And my thought process on not posting things is probably the same thing we talked about in the last episode about with your kids, like allowing them to kind of struggle and not feeling like I need to protect everybody. I need to create this bubble around my kids so that they don't feel lonely or so that they don't feel frustrated or so that they don't feel whatever it is. So sort of like, you know, that's something that I probably have to work. on in myself is realizing that people are going to be uncomfortable and in pain. And my role is not to prevent that. It's, you know, as a psychologist, I guess it's to sit with them in it and help them learn how to process it. And as a parent, too. Same thing. And as a sister, I guess. Like, I'm not going to

not post pictures of my kids because I think it's going to be triggering for you or for anyone else. It doesn't have kids. It's just kind of like, all right, I can still, like you said, not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not preventing the landmines for, you know, for everybody. Yeah. No, I agree. I think there's like a difference between like a sensitivity about that and like rearranging things to protect the feelings of someone who like needs to figure out a way to work through whatever that thing is.

You know what I mean? Like when I was single, the Valentine's Day posts like did get to me. That might have been a good day for for me to either like either not go on social media or for me to work through, you know, what that. my own personal feelings on that day. Kind of like, okay, I'm in this. Here I am.

I'm going to cry. I'm going to feel, you know, my aloneness. I'm going to just like feel this today because there's no other option right now. Other than maybe the other option is getting mad at someone for posting something or getting annoyed or getting irritable or, you know, being kind of a bah humbug on other people's life, which that's never going to. Right. That's not really a great way to go.

Yeah, and I think a lot of that, again, like, so you're back to the social media stuff, is very much like a comparison thing. And everyone's always looking for like the thing that they don't have as like the ultimate thing in their life or they haven't like mastered. But what they don't realize is like they have a lot of things that other people probably look at the same way. And I think if you just focus on what you don't have, that's really what leads you down that like irritable spiral. But then I think, oh, like I have so many things that are that are like great. going for me that a lot of other people might look at and feel, you know, a similar way about. So it's like no one gets it all. And it is human nature. You know, like that's how we've created everything that we've created. If we were just, I mean, it's a blessing and a curse, right? It's a blessing because, you know, we can travel to outer space. We've created rocket ships and satellites and computers and iPhones and all this stuff by wanting the next thing, by wanting to the better thing, the thing that we don't already have. We want to find the other thing. So there are benefits that come to that, but when it comes to our life and things that we can't control, like being partnered or like having

kids or, you know, like taking a vacation to the Maldives when you have three kids that are in school or whatever, like, you know, just those are the moments where that like go, go, go, next best thing mindset is not helpful. So we kind of have to harness our own power in a way that, you know, is helpful. Right. Yeah. I'm trying to remember what this. I read,

I actually had Googled like an article just because I was feeling that way is like, why do we like compare ourselves to others? And like you said, there is an evolutionary thing. Like we are social creatures. Sometimes it can be helpful if you're like, oh, like something's amiss. Others around me.

They have a hut that doesn't leak. Like I want a hut that doesn't leak. You know? Yeah. How do I get that? Yeah. No, and it can be helpful. So I mean, to an extent, it's kind of like everything.

It's like a little bit, a little bit of like awareness of those around you and like getting with the program, as son would say, is probably helpful. But when it's taken to a level that I think it where you're like beating yourself up, that's probably where you need to, you know, take a step back and think like what is the actually, like how is this actually serving you? Right. Yep. Like you said about social media in the last episode, you have to be your own guide.

You have to trust, you know, listen to your body, listen to the signals that something doesn't feel right and you may have to shift course. You can't just like bowl through the course that you're on because you've already decided that you're on it. You may have to kind of, and that leads us to the overshare that we have today in terms of like accepting where you're at and kind of being able to change the narrative a little bit. Right. And seeing your situation, I mean, we'll get into it. and seeing your situation, I think, from a different lens. Yes. As opposed to, because I think that's sometimes the most limiting thing is when you tell yourself

a story about like a pitying story of yourself sometimes too, where then it becomes like, you've created this narrative for your life, which someone else would never see. But we'll get into that. I think we'll give the listeners a little more context by reading the email. Hi, Trident and Dr. Naomi. I can't tell you how much. much I love the podcast. I really think you two balance each other so well and it makes me wish I had a sister. It's not that great. No, I'm just kidding. It's fine. I've been therapy averse for a long time and

you guys helped me to kind of soft launch land into that. And so I'm grateful. I think my problem, though, is being too late. Too late for therapy to help. Too late for dating. Too late for kids. Too late for any of where I saw my life going. Essentially, I'm in my mid-30s and let a particularly intense, particularly long, lingering college situation ship, consume my entire 20s and parts of my early 30s. Unlike Jordana, I occasionally cut it off, but didn't end it ever, always held out hope, didn't get into therapy, and kind of slow ghosted every friend I had because eventually everyone told me what I didn't want to hear. I threw myself into becoming a lawyer, an obsessive amount of workout classes, deleted my social media, and told myself that anything but the movie ending I had

written in my head for myself for 10 years was settling. So I would just take spin classes. Sometimes I told myself I would date when I lost five more pounds, finished invisaline, finished a huge case after Christmas, et cetera. And there was always something. At 34, I kind of woke up like someone emerging from a 10-year coma. I spent all of last year throwing myself into the apps, trying to mend those friendships, trying therapy, basically trying to do a quick fix of over a decade in the six months I had until turning 35. Ultimately, though my therapist has correctly identified that my only answer for being happy seems to be a time machine to make different choices, I am stuck beyond stuck on the matches I would have gotten at 29 as opposed to now. The time I could have had,

the trips with friends before they all got married and had kids. Everything now feels like sad, extremely pathetic crumbs of what I could have had if I did it differently when I was younger. I don't want to match with a 47-year-old in New Jersey. I want to be my 27-year-old self dating a 30-year-old old finance guy at a wine bar in Murray Hill. Wow. The dream. I want to go to Touloum and have those girls trips I just took myself out of because I was so ashamed of being the single friend. I don't want to have to rush something for kids, but I burst into tears when people mention egg freezing.

I'm going to Europe by myself. Instead of excitement, I just cry every night that if I had made different choices, I would have went at 31 on a honeymoon. And on and on. I cannot get out of the cycle. I feel like I'm intensely grieving my own life. while time keeps passing, and I'm also deeply ashamed because of all of this was caused by something that ultimately wasn't even anything. I feel like I made my therapist sad with my lack of progress

or ability to move beyond, and as a former straight-A student, that makes me even sadder. I've gotten a million speeches on perspective and attitude, but ultimately I struggle to change them because nothing external happened to limit my options. I had every option. The choices I made were just terrible. How do I shake this? I'm honestly not sure I can, but maybe this can be a cautionary story. The saddest bad. who has no one to blame but herself. Oh, yeah. Do you think her therapist really said the only thing that could have helped her is a time machine?

It sounds like what she said was it seems like you think the only thing that could have helped you was a time machine. Oh, so she just like misheard her and she was like, she agrees that the only thing that can help me. She agrees that it's of a lost cause. Yeah, I don't think she said that. I mean, I could, you know, it's funny because we've talked on here about like the motivational interviewing tactic, which is sort of like meeting the patient where they're at.

So if the therapist is kind of doing the whole thing, that change your perspective and focus on what you're grateful for and help her to reframe negative thoughts and it's not working, then the therapist may be at this point where she's saying, look, it sounds like you feel like the only thing that could have helped you is, or that could help you as a time machine to kind be like, nothing seems to be really pulling you out of this. You're not really, you know, kind of stuck in not being willing to change your perspective. So I could see her maybe saying that, like, okay, this is where we're at. What do we do with it? You know, like, how do we move on from the fact that this is not, you know, you can't, you don't have a time machine, but now you're just stuck

with this. Letting her kind of then, instead of the therapist saying like, do this, do this, at her saying, I can't because this and I can't because that, the therapist is kind of like putting it in her court. Like, okay, well, it sounds like it's all pretty much a lost cause. So what do we do now? And then she might be like, well, I can't live like this forever. I got to do something, you know. Yeah, that way sounds a lot more normal than her therapist being like, well, it's too late for you. We don't have a time machine so you're fucked. Right. But it's just like, it's funny. Like the way you write your own story is an outsider reading this story. I'm like, she's not 80. She's 35. So many people meet someone at 35 and have like their whole

lives ahead of them and have like, you know, like you can have kids, you can have a family, you can have everything, you can have strong friendships. Like 35 is not dead. It's just such an interesting thing to hear someone describe that age as like, it's too late for me. Like I could understand they're being objectively, they're being an age where one might. more reasonably think that. Right. Well, it's too late for me to have my own, to birth my own biological kids. Yeah, there's an age. It's like, whatever it is, 42 or whatever the age is, where it's like, that's probably not going to happen for you. 35, she still has some time. But yeah, there is an age where she's going to have to do that and she's not there yet. So I definitely agree with that.

Right. And I mean, I did relate to some of the things that she was saying, especially like, it's funny because she puts her age as the issue and I would feel these things at like 25 or 26. Right. I'm so frustrated with myself that I keep going back to this person that never amounts to anything. And every time I think it's going to be like the time and this is the story I've told in my head about how we're going to wind up together. Even when I was like actually starting to date in a more real way after that at like 26, 27 thinking like I just wasted all these years being like obsessed with this person. person, but it's funny because it's just like now, I mean, I do now look back on it. I'm like, it's so not a waste. I learned so much about myself from that situation. I'm glad that you're

telling everybody that you look back and you're kind of like this, you know, again, the theme of like the struggle is part of the process. It's not like the thing to be avoiding. There's real growth, all growth happens in that struggle. So I'm glad that you're saying that the thing that comes to mine with me for this listener is, and for so many of us, is like, our brains are hardwired to be threatened by the unknown. Like that's just in our DNA. When we're not familiar with something, it feels very threatening. And so she's 35. She doesn't know where this partner and this baby are going to come from. This whole future for her is very unknown. So I think what she's doing, I'm getting this all from, you know, obviously just what she's given us.

But she's a lawyer. Maybe she's a little type A. She's like, you know, exercising a lot. I think she sort of probably has this personality type where she's like, there's this unknown. How do I control it? I can't actually change it. So what I can do is I can write the ending.

I can write the story. And then I won't be caught off guard when it's like a bad ending. So she's writing the ending, which is like, it's too, here's my story. I spent all this time on this guy. I wasted my life. I'm 35. It's too late for me. I've lost my friendships.

I'm never going to have a family. There's the ending. And I don't have to worry about how it's all going to turn out because I've already written the story. And there's something that feels a little bit like empowering, I think, in that. Which for some people, the empowerment of like taking control and writing the bad ending feels safer than I don't know how this is going to turn out. And I may never have a husband and kids, but I may. Right. That's a lot more like it, that's funny that you say that it does feel like

a little more uncomfortable to say it like that. Like, who knows? We'll see. All right. I may never. And I think for a lot of people, the idea of like never being a mother or never finding a partner feels so painful. And so like my life is going to have no meaning if I don't ever get to do those things that it almost, it's like it doesn't really make cognitive sense. But I think because we're hardwired to avoid the unknown, it sort of does make sense to, you know, just say, okay, I'm just going to assume that this is going to turn out the worst case. So she's written this whole story. And she's, I think she's written the story and she's sticking to it. And that's why I think she's she feels like some whatever's going on with her therapist.

I think she's feeling maybe some sadness from her or whatever she expressed because I think the therapist realized like she's written this story and she's not budging. Right. Well, what's the best, what do you think from your experience is like the way to get someone to be able to write a different story or to deviate from this thing that they just keep repeating to themselves as truth? Right. Yeah.

I mean, one thing that I think is how. and we've talked about it a bit on here is, and I don't know if this is going on in her therapy or not, but sometimes there's so much focus on like what to do to make you feel better, what to do to prevent, you know, go on this app and I'll set you up with this person and change your perspective and think about it this way instead of like we've talked about in the past just like giving her space to feel her feelings and her like being willing to feel it.

It sounds like when she was in it, she was just obsessed. with making it work that she wasn't really feeling it. I don't think she really felt that she was just probably like overthinking it. And then as soon as she realized, okay, this is not going to work out, she went into action mode in terms of like, okay, I'm going to rekindle my friendships, I'm going to go on dating apps, I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to, whatever it was that she decided she was going to do that. I wonder if she's ever really, you know, felt her feelings in the way that we've talked about feeling your feelings. Like some people think, well, I cry and I like call my friends on the phone and I cry about my life or I talk to people and I get

upset. But like if you're thinking and judging your emotions, you're not really feeling them. Right. There's like a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is I'm crying, my body is shaking, my heart is hurting, my stomach is in knots and suffering is I'm doing all of that, but I'm not accepting it and I'm judging it and I'm criticizing myself over it and I'm blaming all these cognitive thinking pieces that then take you away from what you're actually feeling and turn it into this whole big story and judgment about what you're feeling. That's so true. I feel like I've read, I've heard that saying somewhere. It's like pain is inevitable like suffering is a choice. Yes. I mean, it's, it's a choice makes it feel like, oh my gosh, I'm like terrible for it. No, it's

your fault again. Right. Right. It's really reinforcing that, I guess. It's a choice in that you should, you know, it's helpful to just be aware of like you can feel your pain without and be mindful of judging your pain or like exactly what this listener is doing, writing the story of how it's her fault, even her sign off, the saddest bet who has no one to blame but herself. You know, there's a lot of judgment about her sadness here. It's a lot of judgment about like, that she's, you know, messed up her whole life with this guy. And that's the part that I think is probably keeping her more stuck than anything else. It's just not letting her just feel the aloneness and the sadness and the and the fear of the unknown and, you know, getting in her head about it and creating a whole narrative around it.

And I get that. I get the like sort of urge to, like, analyze or assign blame or something. Because it's, it, again, it's in the, if you're used to analyzing things. or thinking things over that can feel almost soothing in some way, even though it's clearly not doing you any good. And I can see also coming from where she's been the idea that to do that feeling, your feelings thing, sure is nice,

but I can see her in her head saying, but like what is that going to do? Like, how is that going to lead me to the outcome that I want? How is that going to change the course of my life, even though it's mentally healthy, I would say relatively objectively. Right. I guess the idea is it's not going to lead you, it's not going to change the external factors. It's not going to be like, oh, going on a dating app or getting a setup or, you know, freezing your eggs, for example, which I think is a great way to, if there's any way that she can control the outcome, that would be a good place to start. There's not much she can do to control, but that is one thing she can do that I think she's even judging herself on that, it sounds like. You know, like, oh, I have to be that person that has to freeze their egg.

and like it seems like there's a lot of judgment around that. So the idea of not judging her emotions, I don't think it's going to necessarily change the outcome, although it might, because there might be a little bit of this like self-fulfilling prophecy thing. You know, we're like, you think it's never going to happen. So you put your, you know, you're putting out. So you give out that energy.

Yes. It reminds me of the ego discussion we had with Dr. Wiener, where you're like, okay, I'm getting in my own way because my ego is judging me for being someone who freezes their eggs because I'm, no one else is necessarily, I'm judging myself. So now you're punishing yourself by not doing the thing that can help you because you're, because of your own judgment. Yeah.

I think a couple of things, aside from the feeling your feelings thing, which for those of you that didn't listen in the beginning to that episode where we talked about it, it's really just like when you're in emotional pain. turning inward, focusing on your body, the physical sensations of your body, where do I feel this pain? Do I feel nauseous? Do I feel my face filling with fluid and tears? And do I feel, you know, just really not analyzing the pain. And analyzing the pain comes from a place of wanting to feel in control of it. If I can figure it out, I can stop it from happening. But you can't. Because if you would have been able to figure your way out of it, you would have done it by now. So that's not

working, you know? That's plan B. All right. What's plan B? Right, exactly. That's not working. Plan B is just feel, feel it in your body, and that's going to help you learn to accept that, like, you're not going to die from feeling this. You're not going to, you know, there might even be some actual relief, like emotional release of negative energy in actually feeling your feeling. without attaching them to thoughts that make it feel a lot worse than it really has to be all that judgment stuff. So feeling her feelings is one. And the other one, it's interesting, I saw another, I don't have experience in this. Speaking of another Roslyn High School graduate that we can bring on for some insight, someone that I went to high school with does this like autobiographical

therapy, which is like, I don't know too much about it, but it's basically like therapy through writing the story of your life and like how do you write that story and how do you know so if this woman is writing this story she's writing a really negative really judgmental version of the story of her life so maybe she could consider rewriting the story in a way like you said when you look back on your 20-somethings and all of the angst that you had now you can look back and realize how much you learned from that so if she can do the same thing it might just like change the perspective of of kind of everything has led to now. Yeah, that's a great.

I was going to say something very similar. It's like, let's say we rewrote this story for her in a way that, again, didn't sound like a very sad, had written book. Let's say like that, because like the facts of this, what are the facts, right? And I've done this in therapy. It's like, what are the facts?

You dated someone on and off that didn't work out and you kept going back to a bad situation. Fine. Yep. fact you ended it and got out of that situation while still in your child bearing years yes and then now you've got a great job your you know your fit sounds like she does a lot of she's there's she's active she's fit she loves she has a lot of energy for adventures sounds like she's going on a solo trip by herself she's financially secure yes a great dating prospect now with this all this knowledge

that she has about herself from dating this person that I assume if she's done like the work in therapy she can at least have gotten something out of it. Like I think about what I've gotten out of my situation ship and it is like a sense of figure, forget like the relationship to him. It's more about like me and answering the questions for me of why was I so attracted to that?

Why did I go back to that? What do I want differently in the next person? what is it that, again, kept bringing me back, what felt good about it, and what does that say about my own tendencies? It's a much more interesting question than, you know, why didn't it work out with this person? So I think that, like, the story that we told sounds like a lot better. Totally, right? And I think there's, yeah.

And I think if you can, because there's a million ways that you can interpret this and that one is just as true, more true probably than that. the one she came up with. And it probably makes her feel a lot better. So why not go with the one that's more true and actually makes you feel better than the one that's super negative and judgmental and makes you feel like crap. So. Right. Because who's to say one is any better than the other? Right. Yeah. I think there's a lot of judgment going on for her, for other people, you know, for how she wanted her life to turn out. And I think a lot of people can relate to this. concept of like the feeling the feelings is like grieving the loss of the life that you envisioned.

And that is a real thing for a lot of people. You know, granted, she's, like you said, she's still young enough. She could still have biological children and, you know, birth them herself if she wanted to. But I think the way she envisioned it in the timeline, there is some part that you probably need to really like lean into just grieving. This isn't turning out the way I wanted it to turn out, but I owe it to myself to kind of take stock in what is working and be willing to change the plan. If you're not willing to change the plan, even when you have the kids, you're going to end up in this same position like we always talk about. You're going to have the kids. You wanted a girl instead of a boy. You wanted a kid who was really smart and you have a kid

that's mentally challenged. You wanted, you know, to have two kids and you only have one kid. Whatever whatever it is, you have to be willing to, like, change the plan or you're going to perpetually be moving from one disappointment to another. Right. And this won't be the last, even if she met someone tomorrow or got married, that wouldn't be the last thing that didn't go according her plan. Yes. And again, I wouldn't beat yourself up for it because I think, I mean, we were just talking about that in the beginning of this episode. Like, I think everyone struggles with that to an extent of wanting things to go a certain way. It maybe goes a different way. And then, Instead of like just constantly being like triggered by the way that it that, you know,

by things that remind you of the way that it could have been, if you can like find empowerment in a different story, then you're sort of invincible to, you know, someone mentioning an egg freezing. Right. Or seeing a picture of something that makes you feel bad. Right. And I think it really all boils down in practicality, right? How do we do this? to becoming aware of your own mind and like reprogramming your own mind. We are programmed like this.

Unfortunately, you know, I think I've said this on here before. We're not really programmed for happiness. We're programmed for survival. If we want happiness, we have to like reprogram the machine. You know, we have to say, okay, so we got survival. Like we have a house. We're not in danger. We live in a safe place. We have enough food. Like we've got all that. But our brain is still designed to, look out for all the threats. So if you don't catch yourself looking out for these threats that may or may not even exist, you're going to keep leading with that mindset. So for her to just pause and say, okay, I feel something in my body. It feels like anxiety. It feels like disappointment. It feels whatever it feels. And just pause. Again, coming like we talked about a couple episodes ago,

creating an intention of how I want to move forward with a different program than the one that I've been working with because the program that I've been working with is not really leading me towards happiness. So the reprogramming is, you know, changing the story, being able to go with the flow, being able to accept things that are not going the way that you wanted it, wanted them to go. But that's not going to happen automatically. If you don't put effort into it, guarantee it's not going to change. Yeah. And I think those struggles that now seem just like devastating like a Shakespearean tragedy can wind up being things that actually like make you a stronger, more interesting, better person.

Like I started my whole U-Up podcast because I was like plagued for years on with dating and just felt like, you know, and then that makes you a more relatable person. That makes you someone who understands what it's like to go through certain things. Maybe this, writing this, you know, email into oversharing could be the start of like, I am using my struggle for something good because you wrote in. We're reading your email. Hopefully a lot of people are going to learn from this and at least feel like that relatable experience of I also am 35 and single and, you know, sad about having to freeze my eggs and I spent too long in a bad relationship. You are not the only one. So I'm glad that you're sharing the story. Other people, I'm sure,

can relate to this. And hopefully you can use this as an opportunity to say, I can't keep living in this sad story narrative. I have to change the narrative. All right, let's get into our next betchaicist email. Do you want to read it? Yeah, sure, I'll read it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, when is it okay to be the ex who pops back in with an apology? I feel really bad about the way things ended with an ex about a year and a half ago. In this situation, I'm the asshole ex who quiet quitted the relationship. There was another guy at the time who happens to be my current boyfriend, and while no physical lines were crossed during, there was definitely some emotional cheating going on

that I'm sure my guy at the time picked up on. I blamed him a lot as the reason for my turning away, but through a lot of deep self-reflection, I realized that I have more responsibility in the situation than I thought. We only dated for about six months, and while part of it was a little toxic on both of our parts, we shared some really good memories that I want to honor.

For more context, he reached out about a year ago, shortly after things ended, saying that the way things ended left to say, sour taste to which I did not respond. I'm in a happy and healthy relationship now, and from what I can see on social media, it looks like my ex is too. So my question is, when is it okay to be the asshole X that reaches out with an apology? Is it ever worth clearing the air for both of our sake, or would this be purely for selfish reasons? Thanks a bunch, feeling like an actual fetch. Hmm. Good question. When is it okay?

I feel like the first place to start is like to ask yourself who it's for. Right. And like what is the outcome that you want from it? And what are the potential negative repercussions of it, I guess? Yeah, I mean, yeah, she has a boyfriend, so that's a factor. And she probably would, you know, have some kind of conversation with him about it, I would think, if they have some good emotional intimacy that she's thinking about this and feeling badly. but it sounds like

this is my perspective. It sounds like she kind of gaslit him at the time. Like she was kind of seeing someone else, but she made him think that it was something that he was doing. Right. And that, it might be kind of her

to let him know that if that's how she's feeling. I think if, you know, if they're both in relationships and there's no ulterior motive. Right. It's not like she's trying to, to get him back or pull him away from the person he's dating or it's just simply this kind of

apology like I did something that wasn't kind and maybe that's left you feeling away about yourself that I don't think you should. I mean, I'd like some closure that doesn't feel like whatever it felt like at the time, which I think she was just probably happy to just be done with it. Right. So she could go and be with this other guy that she didn't really seem to care. I don't think morally, this is a betchesist question, right? I think at the time, she probably didn't act in the most moral way about it, just kind of like, I need to get out of this. And the easiest way is to tell him that he did a bunch of stuff that I didn't like, and I'm breaking up with him. Yeah. So she, right, at the time, she kind of just did what she needed to do to get out and not feel her, not accept any

blame, I guess. I mean, I wonder, how would you feel now if, like, some guy that you were in this, one of these situationships with or some guy from the past came back and was like, you know what, I gas let you. I was really like, you know, dating someone else or whatever. And I was just stringing you along. And I'm really sorry. And I now have done a lot of self-reflection. I realize that that wasn't kind.

And I just wanted to apologize. I think I would be, it would be nice. Yeah. I've actually, I've written an email like that if I'm like being honest to someone. that I did to an ex-boyfriend of mine because I remember... Since you were in your current relationship? No, this was like, again, like six months after it ended maybe. And it was like, we had dated for like two years maybe.

And then I think it like kind of on and off. And then at the very, at our last encounter, I had said some really mean like very below the belt, very like gross things to him. And then I think that also prompted him to say probably not the kindest things. back to me. And then I think it was about six months, I guess, is the time you need for reflection. I think this was while I was in college and it was still.

And I did think about that. And I thought about like the kind of person that I felt like I was when I did that. And I didn't like that. And I didn't want to be like that to be just the end of who he thought I was, especially because like you said, the listener writes, there were good times and she did have good memories. And I wrote him an email and I was like,

I'm really sorry for the things I said the last time. that we spoke. No one deserves to be spoken to like that. I was really upset. And that's whatever the excuse was, was not an excuse. No one should ever speak to anyone like that. And I just want you to know that I'm really sorry. And, um, you know, we had a good relationship and I just wanted there to be no hard feelings or senders basically something like that. And that was it. And it was like pretty nice. And he responded like very nicely. Right. Yeah. I mean, when I read this, my initial feeling was like, I think she should go for it. I think it's always nice to own your own shit.

If you are self-aware enough to come to that, I don't think there's really any harm that can come from it. Like you said, as long as she's not trying to interfere in his relationship or, like, throw a wrench in his life or, you know, get him back or something or, you know. I think an email is nice, too. Because it, like, doesn't require the other person to be, like, immediately responding and they can choose not to respond. Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, I could see that. I think it would be, I think it is for him and for you. I think for you it allows you to like be the person that you want to be now, even if you weren't the person that you wanted to be then. Like I think a lot of people stay stuck and sort of like, even like the, you know, the original overshare of like, you know, I was this person and I can't really, I still am blaming or judging myself for being that person where it's like, well, today you're a completely different person than you were at that time and you don't have to stay stuck in that. And an apology and taking ownership is a great way to kind of like close that chapter and really feel like, okay, I'm a different

person. I did everything I could. And especially since he had reached out to her and said that he didn't like the way that it ended and then she ignored him. Right. Clearly, this is something that he would probably appreciate. It wasn't like when it was over, he was like, never talk to me again. And now she's like inserting herself into his life. Right. Right. Yeah, he probably has done a lot of mental gymnastics to try to understand what happened there. And this might just, you know, first of all, make him realize that he probably wasted a bunch of mental energy and time on like trying to figure out what happened there. But he reached out and said, I have a bad taste in my mouth. She ignored that. I'm sure it didn't feel good. And he probably felt very uncared for after they had a, you know, a relationship. So yeah, I don't see any drawback in. letting him know and kind of clearing your conscience and giving him a little peace of mind that he's not crazy. I agree. All right. Oversharing is aligned. Send the email. Let us know how it goes. Right. Should we play some triggered? Yeah, let's do it. Okay, I'll read the first one.

Hi, Trudan and Dr. Naomi, Oversharing is my favorite podcast and I'm grateful for the thoughtful insight and advice you both provide. This incident happened when my boyfriend and I were on a long flight to Maui to celebrate his 30th birthday. While falling asleep, I reclined my seat and a middle-aged woman sitting behind me demanded that I put my seat back up because she wasn't sitting in an extra comfort seat like I was, though we were both sitting in identical extra comfort seats with above-average leg room. I was caught off guard from being half asleep, so I apologized and immediately straightened my seat.

Later on, I decided to recline my seat because I thought the woman hadn't provided a reasonable justification for requiring more space. We're both on the shorter and slimmer side. She wasn't traveling with children. She wasn't working on a laptop, et cetera. About an hour later, I woke up to her aggressively and persistently kicking and pushing my seat forward with her hands. I normally would have spoken up, but I didn't want to cause a commotion as I thought

she would tire out shortly. That's very funny. However, this behavior continued for about an hour. I went back and forth in my head about asking her to stop or getting the stewardess involved, but I decided not to as we were close to landing and I didn't want to start our trip off on a negative note. How triggered should I have been and what are your thoughts on adults throwing tantrums? Thanks for all that you two do.

Broken back betch from the unsolicited back massage. This story's crazy. An hour? That's crazy. Kicking her chair for an hour. I mean, who hasn't gotten their chair kicked a little bit when they put the chair back? I've definitely had that happen to me, not for an hour. Have you got that?

Right. No, well, I do this move. I don't know if you can relate to this, but I do this move for like, I like to sit kind of crunched up when I'm on the plane, like sort of like a stil position. Feal position. Yeah. So I need to put my knees up on the seat in front of me. So I kind of like do like a gradual pushing. So like I'll crunch up.

I put my knees on the seat in front of me and then like over the course of a minute I like release the gradual pressure so that like then so that they won't. notice that my legs are on the back of their chair. It usually works out well. I've done that. I also like, maybe that's a genetic thing. I also like to sleep in that position. Or sometimes I like to put my feet like in the corner, like where the arm wrist is so that they have something to like lean against. I'll do the corner of the seat in front of me. But I mean, this is crazy. I would, I think if you're, you're allowed to recline the seat. If they didn't want people doing that, they wouldn't have allowed for that functionality. I'm very much team. put your seat back as far as it will go.

As far as it goes. Yep. That's your design. That's the space you paid for. You paid for the space with the recline as far back as it can possibly go. That's your territory. If at that point someone is, you know, if it's all the way back, you know, and then you're like kicking the seat in front of you, like, you're not allowed to kick the seat in front of you. That's not your space. Your space is the space that you have where you're not touching the seat in front of you and your seat is back as far as it can go.

That's your allotted space. Yeah. Engineers decided we got to go with them. That's the space that they gave you. I don't care if you have kids or a laptop or... Yeah, that's very nice of her to even think of that. Right. That's not really your problem.

I agree with this. Take it up with the engineers. Yes. If someone's six foot nine, that's a sad thing for when you're flying on a plane, but there's benefits. Get an extra leg room seat. Save up. Yes.

Yeah, exactly. I totally agree. Would you have said something? So my other thought was, I would like, to talk to her about being able to set boundaries. If there is someone that is invading your space for an hour kicking your seat and moving it aggressively back and forth, I definitely think that she needs to have turned around and said, can you please stop touching the back of my seat? I would definitely have said something at this point. I mean, kicking the seat is crazy.

I, in theory, I'm like, I agree with you. That's what should be done. But I also kind of feel like I would have the same mental hurdle as the listener being like, is it worth it? Should I say anything? Does it really matter? Maybe she'll just like tire herself out. I don't really feel like. Right. It's like a bad massage when you're kind of like, you know, I don't want to.

Maybe she'll stop soon. I don't want to say it to this woman. And then I see her when I go to the bathroom and she gives me a look. Like I don't like. I do understand why it would be really difficult to say something, especially if like, like her message wasn't received in a constructive way. This sounds crazy. I mean,

I'm reading this back over like, what is she right? Kicking and pushing my seat forward with her hands. Like she's literally pushing and kicking her seat like a tantrum. Unacceptable. I think this woman needed to just sit, she didn't have to turn around and yell. She could just very calmly turn around and say,

can you please stop pushing my chair? That's fair. Right. Yeah, that's a good practice for boundary setting, as you said. It's funny that at first when she did it, she would just like immediately put it up and then was like, actually. Yeah, that I could see. I probably would have done that, like just out of instinct. Like, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm like upsetting this person. Let me fix it. And then realize afterwards like, wait, no, I like, this is my seat. Right. I could, yeah. Yeah, I would have done the same thing where I could see where she'd be like, oh, I've already said okay. Now should I come back? Right.

but this is annoying. I would give this, I don't know if it's so much triggering as like, just like a very uncomfortable situation to be in. Yeah, it's like kind of absurd more than triggering. I agree. For triggering,

as far as like your deep wounds, I'd give it like a two, but for like absurd, unacceptable, like normal human behavior, I'd give it like an eight. I can agree. Yeah,

and if you're a person who, gets mad at people for putting their seat back, you're the problem, just if anyone's listening. If anyone's listening and wants to write in in defense of those people, I'd love to hear it. Crazy to me that this is still like a debate. Like, everyone is entitled to put their seat back. Yes, that's it.

Agree. All right, let's do another one. Okay. Agreed that. Okay. Hi, Jordana, Naomi. Love the pod. I have a triggered question for you.

I'm deaf in my left ear and have been since I was 17, 21 years. my friends are all great about sitting to my right, talking into my right ear, etc. My mom, however, is not. When we go to a restaurant, movie, et cetera, I always need to tell her to sit on my right side. Constantly have to remind her not to whisper into my left ear. If my friends can be aware of this, how can my own mom not? It bothers me on a deeper level, like I don't feel seen by her or somehow important enough that she can't remember this thing that is not new and is a frustrating and difficult part of my life.

How triggered can I be? I could see this being triggering, especially because it's like, as she appropriately names it, it's like a reflection of her mom, like, just like not really feeling like her mom cares enough to like know or remember that she has to speak into her right ear. Right. You know, this is a frustrating, difficult part of my life. I think just not feeling like her mom understand. that maybe this was something that, you know, she feels like, okay, I've come to terms with the fact that my daughter's deaf in her left ear and like we have to move on. But like every single day, this is something that she continuously has to deal with. And it sounds like the mom is not showing her that she's aware that this is something that isn't every single day struggle that she has to deal with. And her lack of remembering probably signifies that. So I could see this. It's almost like if you have a child that's handicapped and then you just

making reservations at restaurants that have stairs. Right. I was just like, I'm not aware of like enough of you and this daily thing that you have to deal with that I can't even become aware of it during this small, discreet period of time that I'm spending with you. Right. And then you make it the other person's like problem because now they have to like shift into, yeah, I could agree with that.

That's very, I would give that like a seven or an eight. Yeah. I would give, I would give this one also. eight. I just not, I mean, not even because, okay, she could say to her, hey, mom, I can't hear from that ear, remember. You know, like, she could say that to her. And I guess it's not about the actual thing. It's about the lack of acknowledgement of this, like, you know, daily struggle that she has to go through. Right. And just the lack of showing that she, what do you want, I think from your parents, I would assume more than a lot of other people is the feeling that you're like known and special and care. And by like continuously, even after you're corrected to do the same thing. just shows like, I'm not that invested in like, in you not having to deal with this. Right. Yeah, that's another good point. It's like not just about her not remembering. It's about her telling her, reminding her repeatedly and this feeling of like she just doesn't care that this is

something that's upsetting me and she's going to think about a lot of other things throughout the day, but not this. Right. I agree. That's very annoying. All right, let's do one more. By way of background, my partner and I got engaged about seven weeks ago. We're both 30 and have been together over two years and we were so excited to be taking this next step together. My fiancé was engaged once before back when he was in college. He is not a U.S. citizen but went to college in the United States and wanted to stay, so it was considering a green card marriage to a close friend. It was not a real relationship though and he couldn't go through with it so they called it off. So to my triggered situation, my future mother-in-law has not sent us an engagement gift and has not even sent me a

nice text, despite having been almost two months since the proposal. But from our fiance's last engagement back in college, she did send a sweet engagement gift to him and his then fiancee. How triggered can I be? I wonder how she even like knows that. Knows that. Yeah. Right. I was wondering that too. I guess he must have told her. Maybe he's upset about it too. I don't know how that would even come up. I, you know, unless there's more to it about her relationship with her soon to be mother-in-law, I don't think this is a big deal. It was 10 years ago. Maybe she had a totally different lifestyle.

Maybe she had more time on her hands. I wouldn't take this one too personally unless there's something more to it. I agree with that. It's kind of like she's comparing it directly as if they happen like simultaneously and one person was favored and the other one wasn't. This could just be like not the way that she communicates. But she's saying she communicated that way then. So like why isn't she communicating that way now?

by sending a gift? I mean, maybe she will send a gift, right? How long have they been engaged? Two months, almost two months. So, yeah,

maybe she doesn't, it was 10 years ago, so maybe he doesn't remember the timeline. Maybe it was longer after they were engaged that she sent the gifts. I think this is not,

unless again, maybe they had an engagement party. Right. Although I doubt it from the way that he's phrasing. Right. I think unless there's more to it that you feel like

there's a rift between you and the mother-in-law or there's, you know, some kind of conflict there. I think a lot of things change in 10 years in terms of like your financial situation or you know what you're what else you're distracted by or you know at that point he was in college. So he could have been like 19. So she's probably still buying his underwear. You know, so maybe she bought him an engagement card. And she was at the, you know, at the store.

So I think there's probably a very different relationship. It's been a long time. I don't think it's comparing apples and apples. That's my opinion. Yeah. I agree. Unless, like, again, the issue is that she feels like she truly is not happy about the engagement, which is a different thing. Otherwise, like, who cares about a text? That's like, for me, I'd be like, rate a one less text to answer. Right. One less thank you note to have to write. Yeah. Right. Exactly. I would rate this one low. I don't know. What about you? Yeah, I'd give it a three. I don't wonder how, like, she found out about the other. Maybe he's, maybe the fiancee is like riling her up. Yeah, that is weird. That he even remembers the, card and the note. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's weird. I would ask him more about. I would, if you're, I think if she's feeling triggered by this, I would ask him more about, like, what he thinks it is. Yes. Yeah, because the fact that he not only remembers that she wrote a sweet, you know, that she did send a sweet engagement gift, the fact that he kind of

remembers that, brought it up, is letting her know, like maybe he's feeling away about this. I agree. That might be some good conversation to have there. Yeah, I would say the best, way to get in good graces with your mother-in-law isn't to yell at her for not sending you a text or gift though right yeah i agree all right we did it yeah we helped all these people i'm always down for updates i don't know if do you ever get any updates you you kind of check the mail more than i do not a ton if you guys are if you've written in and we've answered your question you've followed our advice please write in sometimes i get dms of people who have done that so i could probably screenshot those. I think I have gotten an update from someone with a DM. But anyway,

any way you want to give us an update, you can email oversharing at Betches.com or if you have a question, you can send that in there too. Or if you want to give us an update via voicemail, our phone number is 6463636394. All right. Quick reminder, if anyone wants to write an intention for themselves or kind of work on that, I would be happy if you want to give us some details, like I said last time, you can notice your patterned thoughts, notice your patterned fears, maybe let us know what some goals are for your life, and we can help kind of give you that intention to follow when things feel like they're getting sticky. So I would love to help with that.

But as for today, I think that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Pico and Rebecca Sousalz McHaw. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, Booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. Leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.