Oversharing - Your Guide To Guided Meditation

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

Jordana and Naomi are doing things a little differently today: instead of their usual convo, Naomi leads Jordana and listeners through a guided meditation (feel free to follow along). They discuss different kinds of meditation, and the best approach for listeners on the go. Naomi defines some key terms frequently thrown around (like ‘mindfulness’ and ‘mantra’) before sharing some tips and tricks for being mindful in your everyday life. Jordana uses her personal experience to provide insight into using meditation practices (yes, counting sheep is a thing) and relaxing her mind before bed. Then a listener writes in about getting fired from her job, and they give advice on how to move forward. Finally, this week’s Triggered covers the frustration of wanting to be invited to the events you don’t even want to go to. Stay tuned for next week where they’ll discuss tips for finding the right therapist. Check out the Hung Up podcast here: Hung Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And this week we have a very special treat for you guys and for me.

Dr. Naomi is going to lead us in a meditation. I'm so excited about this. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm a little nervous. I'm a little nervous. I'm going to be bored. I'm really excited. You know, it's funny because, you know, obviously we're sisters. I'm super into meditation, but we've never done this. I've never, like, had an opportunity to do this type of thing with you. And I'm excited because I think if you can go into it with a really open mind and just embrace whatever comes up, I think it's going to be really fun and pretty awesome for you. You know, I just quick. I went a few weeks ago on that girl's trip to Nashville. And I have my friend Shelley is a certified yoga instructor. So she led, there were six of us there. And she led us in like a real deal like intense yoga session. It was such a great like bonding. Like I felt so connected towards her after the session because it was like we're friends,

but we're also doing this like kind of really cool spiritual cleansing kind of activity together. So I'm excited for us. I'm excited too. Is this something you try to get like your kids to do? Yes. Well, this is the thing. I try to get everybody to do it. But you are forced to sit here because it's on the program to do it.

I would love to do this with everybody in my life. But now you're stuck. No, I think if you have a really good experience, it definitely makes you want to do it more. I remember the first time I had done a meditation is when you were living in Florida and I went to visit you. And I guess there was some meditation you would go to every week. And it had like these pillows and these scents. And I remember leaving that. Oh my gosh.

I haven't thought about that in so long. That was one of my first really great meditation experiences. I didn't remember that we went to that together. Yeah. And I must have been like, I think 17 or something. And I had no idea what any of that was. And I just went with you because I was just visiting you and that was just something you did.

And you were like, you want to come. And I remember leaving that being like, this is, I'm especially again, I'm 17. So I live at home and like complete chaos, home life. And I remember being, it was almost like, wow, this life could be like this. Right. It was a totally, it was like a kind of transformative experience. And I remember really enjoying it. Oh, cool.

Yeah. And that, those types of meditations are great because that was like a dark room with candles and like everyone's, you know, so this is kind of squeezing it into real life. But that's how it works for the most part. Totally. Depending on the city you live in, like in New York, there's a few different places that do like class meditations. obviously everyone can do them on their own.

But I've been to a couple different places and they have some of them. I think one is InScape and maybe when you visit we could do one. And it's kind of like that with pillows and like it's almost like a little bit more high tech feeling. There's voices coming from the ceiling. Right. And then another place was mindful where it was kind of just like a guided everyone sits on their own pillow kind of thing.

But they had themes like there would be like the love theme or like the gratitude theme. And it was it is kind of a cool. experience to do it in person because you, you're kind of shamed into not going on your phone. Right. Totally. Exactly. And you kind of have to stick it out. And there is something about, you know, I don't know if you're in this place, but there's something about like sharing energy in a room with people that are also have an intention of having like good, positive, grateful energy. Like you're all in the room together. You all have the same intention. Like there's something. and I think humans are very like that.

Our attitudes are contagious. Yes. Everyone's in it or else. Right. And then, I think that is true because there is a, sometimes it's like if you have someone who's like a little bit of a hater or who's like not into it,

it does kind of ruin the vibe where it's like if they think it's stupid, like why don't I think it's stupid? Yes. Yes. So it is nice. It's funny because like if you go too far, then it does sort of feel like a cult where it's like, oh, we're all like a little too blindly into this.

Right. But I think a healthy level of like, we're all in this for 20 minutes, whatever, however long it is, that can really, it changes the vibe. And that's what I love about meditation and mindfulness. It's totally secular. Like there's no religion. I'm not asking you to buy into anything other than observing your own self for the duration of the meditation. That's all you're really doing is getting to know yourself, observing yourself. So let me ask you a question.

I have a few meditations that we can do. And I want your thoughts on what type of thing you might like. So, and I'll just give like a quick little blurb on each one. And you can tell me what. So the first one is progressive muscle relaxation. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. That when you like tighten something. Yes.

Okay. So that's a good one for sleep because it really makes your body feel very heavy and it's almost like taking a muscle relaxer. If you've ever had to take that for an injury or something, it's like you go through your whole body, you squeeze each muscle and then you relax and then your body feels very heavy. So that's one. That's an option.

That one I would probably recommend more for sleep. Another one that's similar is just a body scan. So that's kind of where you do the same thing, except you're not really necessarily tensing and relaxing. You're just like watching all the parts of your body and trying to be intimately observing where you need to relax. So like, you know, right now, for example, if you just think about like your shoulders,

do your shoulders need to drop a half an inch? or between the muscles and your eyebrows, can you relax those a little bit more? So we go through your whole body and kind of relax each muscle one by one, kind of paying very close attention. So that's body scan. Another one is guided imagery. Have you ever tried that? I don't think so.

Actually, I think I've done that for a sleep one. It's funny. I remember doing that with like a bunch of my friends in a room. It was like a YouTube video and kind of like takes you to a different place. Yes. So that's like going. to like your happy, safe place. Like you kind of walk through. And so that one is, it's different because it's not like the same as if you're doing mindfulness in the moment. Like I'm just paying attention

to what is happening in this room right now because you're going to go wherever you want to the beach or to your bed if that's your happy place. But it does require this focus attention, which is also a big part of meditation is choosing where you want your mind to go and kind of reminding it to go back there. Let's do imagery. Are there more options? There's a few more options. Oh, okay.

I can combine them too. Okay, imagery, I'll go quick. One that's cool is kind of like a visualization of your future healing and tension meditation. So that's, I'm kind of lumping them all in there, but it's sort of like, I'm blanking on the word that people use when you're like, put it out into the world, make it happen. Manifest. Yeah. Yeah.

Manifestation meditation where you think about something that you want and you kind of visualize it. We can kind of squeeze that in there. And then another one is a mantra meditation. And I can add that into anything that you want to do. So that I really like mantras in the idea of having something that you can come back to in the moment very quickly when you need it that reminds you of your intention. We talked about this a few weeks ago. You know, so if it's like everything is as it should be.

It all sound pretty great in their own way. Which one is your favorite? What I think is. And then, of course, I've skipped over just a. mindfulness of breath meditation, which is usually that's like the beginners where you want to start because that gives you this anchor back towards your breath, which you can use that throughout the day any time when you lose focus and you get wrapped up in the thoughts of the day. You can come back to your breath. I'll leave it to you just because I feel like you know them all and which one do you

feel like, you know, which one do you feel like would be good for the listeners who are probably on the go or maybe they're taking a walk. Yes. I'm trying to think how people listen or in their car. I mean, in their car, you probably can't do a meditation. You can do a meditation anywhere. And I was actually thinking about that.

I thought you have to concentrate on like the road. You can be in the moment of that drive. You can notice the vibrations of the car under your seat. You can notice, you know, the car in front of you. You can notice the sounds of the road and the car is passing by. Meditation is just focusing with intention on something that's happening. right now. So you can really do it anywhere. But I love a walking. I think a lot of listeners would love a walking meditation. So for the listeners, if you're walking, I know that I listen to a lot of

podcasts while I'm walking. If you're walking, you can still do this when you're walking. You don't have to close your eyes and do this. You can, so you know what? I'll cook it up for you. I'll do something that I think will work for you sitting here and I'll do it in a way that I think might work for listeners that might be on the go. I do think walking or like subway or anything like that, I feel like that's probably the majority of the listeners. I feel like most people don't listen just like sitting in a seat. Right. Totally. Maybe we'll start with that, but if people like these, and please let us know, you can DM me at Jordana Abraham, let me know, or write into oversharing at Betches.com and write what you liked about the meditation. If you'd like a different one,

I'll definitely take a look. If there's a most requested one, we can do it again if you guys like it. Totally. I would love to do this. All right. So you want to get started? Yeah, let's do it. Okay, so a few things before we start. I'm just going to give you a little bit of guidance. So leave your eyes open for this part. This is kind of the instructions for you. So for those of you out there listening, if you can grab something that you have a positive association to scent-wise, so like a little aromatherapy or even a lotion that you like or a sunscreen that smells good, a candle, yeah, anything that you can, because what we're going to do is we're going to try to bring all five senses into the meditation if possible.

If you don't have it, that's no problem. What if you're just out in the world, in the fresh air? That's fine too. So the other thing is a lot of my patients are walking around the city, right? So they're not like smelling fresh flowers and they're not necessarily smelling freshly cut grass. They might be smelling like a heap of garbage on the street or like a dog poop that somebody didn't pick up.

But so it might not be pleasant, but you're still just going to pay attention to whatever you have around you. So if you have a pleasant aromatherapy, great. If you don't, you can just be mindful of all the scents that are there, even if it's dog poop or garbage or whatever it is. And just as a way of, it really is just a way to get you out of your rumination and out of your head and into your body. So whatever you're going to do to do that. I have a deep, relaxed aromatherapy, like, little tube. So I'm excited about that. That's amazing.

Perfect. If you have something like that, that's perfect. You can also bring that on the go. Yeah, throw it in your bag. It's like a little vial of like liquid that you can like rub under your nose. That sounds perfect. Okay. So one more thing I'm going to ask you to do before we actually get into the meditation is when

we're doing it, I'm going to be asking you where I'd like you to focus your attention, either on your breath or on your aromatherapy or on the sounds in the room. And what's going to happen is your thoughts are going to drift. Okay. So one way that I find effective, and I'm going to ask you, Jordana, to do this for the listeners. So this isn't going to be totally all about you. But what I'm going to ask you to do is when you notice your mind wandering off, when you catch it wandering off, because it will, you're going to just name the thought that you're having.

And I don't want you to dig into it too deep, but I'm going to give you a couple of options. Like you can, something that you might notice is that you're judging, right? Like if you're saying, I like this or I don't like this or this is enjoyable or this is boring. That's like a judging. So if that happens during the meditation and even for listeners at home, you can just make a note, mental note to yourself judging or planning. If you start finding your mind wandering to what you have to do later or what you have to do next week, just make a note in your head planning.

But Jordana, I want you to say it out loud if you notice it. You want me to say it. Okay. Yeah. I want you to say it. I'm thinking about what I'm going to have for dinner. That's planning. Yeah.

So that's planning. Okay. Remembering, right? It might be like thinking about something that happened yesterday or 10 years ago. Worrying, analyzing, predicting is a big one. Even if it's creating, right? I thought of a creative thought. A lot of times when I meditate, I'll think, oh, I can use it this way for my

patients or I can change it that way. So that's like me trying to create a meditation that's curated for one of my patients. But that's not what I'm there to do in that moment. In that moment, I'm there to meditate. So I'll just notice creating and back to my breath. So whatever, if you can come up with some other categories while you're doing it, that would be great. So the point of the category is so you're not getting too involved in the thought to try to create a whole story about what it is that you're thinking about. You're just going to give it a label and then come right back to your whatever it is that you're trying.

to focus on in the moment. Make sense? Yep. So if I'm not saying anything, it means I'm doing it perfectly. There you go. And feel free to interrupt me with your label. So you don't have to wait until I'm done speaking to interrupt because I do want the listeners to get an idea of a real experience and how often people are distracted by thought. So that's what the practice is. Okay. So just pay a little bit of attention to your breath as we're sitting here. You can keep your eyes open. Oh, we're starting. Okay. Yeah, we're going to start. I'm keeping my eyes open. Is that something that you usually do?

We're just going to start that way, but you're going to close your eyes. But for the listeners, you can do this eyes open or closed, whatever works for you. We'll start over. Here we go. Okay. Take a nice deep breath in and out. And then just pay attention. You can note to yourself, I'm breathing in as you breathe in.

And I'm breathing out as you breathe out. and don't try to change your breath at all. Just allow it to be however it naturally is, but just notice it. And if you can breathe in through your nostrils on the in-breath, you'll notice a cool sensation as you breathe in and a warm sensation as you breathe out. And if it's possible, go ahead and close your eyes

so you can just focus on that in-breath. and the out breath. Adjustment. Get yourself comfortable, make any little adjustments that you need. And if you're out in the world and you're walking or you're riding, you can keep your eyes open,

but still, be mindful of where you feel the in-breath and the out-breath. The cool sensation of breathing in, the warm sensation of breathing out. You may also notice a rise and fall of your breath, so that might be a place where you notice it more strongly. Feel free to focus there if you notice your belly rising and falling.

And don't change your breath, just accept it just as it is. And your mind is going to wander. That's normal. That's okay. accept, don't judge, and just gently, you notice your mind wandering, bring it back to your in-breath or your out-breath. Planning. Beautiful.

Now back to your in-breath or your out-breath. And once you feel like you're in a good rhythm, accepting, enjoying the sensation of breathing in and breathing out, become aware of the sounds around you. They don't have to be special. It can be an air conditioner. It can be chatter of people on the street. Scan your environment for any sounds you're experiencing right now. And again, if your mind wanders, that's okay.

Every time you catch your mind wandering, that is the work. That's where you grow. That's where you strengthen your focus. If you notice it, you're doing it right. Gently come back to either your breath, the sounds in the room. So now you're breathing,

you're listening. And for those of you that have an aromatherapy handy, and grab that. Take a sniff of your aromatherapy and just notice the sense as they come in through your nostrils. Notice where they go once they come in through your nostrils. Notice the moment you can no longer smell it anymore. Notice the moment it comes back if you take another sniff, breathing in or breathing out.

The intention in the... the meditation is to focus your mind where you want it to be. Noticing all the little details about your experience of just being that you miss when you're thinking and planning and judging. You miss all the beautiful little moments of just being, breathing, listening, listening. listening to the room around you, noticing the temperature of the air in the room around you,

and right back to your breath, or right back to the sound of the air conditioner. And for those of you that are walking, you can notice the sensation of the ground under your feet. You've walked so many times before, but you're distracted by your thoughts, don't even know what it really feels like. The pressure of the ground on your heels versus your toes.

If you're walking in nature, you can notice the stage of growth, the trees, the flowers, are there clouds in the sky, paying attention to all the little details around you. And when your mind wanders, come back to a mindful, breath. A mindful breath is paying attention to the sensation of your breath wherever you feel it and catching yourself gently when your mind wanders and finding your way back to your breath wherever you left off. And just doing this again and again. Finding your breath. Finding the present moment. And you may have thoughts that enter your mind.

You will have thoughts that enter your mind. And those thoughts may be important, but they're not important right now. The only thing you have to do right now is pay attention to what you are feeling in your body through your five senses. And then pay attention to thoughts that come in, recognize them, label them if that's helpful, and let them drift away coming mindfully back

to the present moment. Now I'm going to give Jordana another few seconds to breathe silently. But if you're at home, feel free to pause, take a little more time, noticing the sensation of cool on your nostrils breathing in and warm breathing out. So now that you're stable here and your breath in the present moment, let's add in a mindful mantra. Mantra is something that can bring you back to your intention. Bring you back to your focus. Everything is just as it should be.

You feel connected to that. you can use that. I am okay. If you feel connected to that, you can use that. I can handle this or anything that you can come up with for yourself. That's a good reminder of what you are trying to do. So when your mind wanders, you can come back to your breath. You can come back to your mantra. You can come back to the sounds in the room, you can come back to your aromatherapy, you have all these choices. Find the thing that feels most natural to you. And once you've discovered the mantra that you connect with, repeat it to yourself on each out breath. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in. Everything is as it should be. Everything is as it should be.

Accepting this moment, joy of just being the practice of mindful intention of thought. So one last grounding technique before we move out of the meditation, counting. So you can count your breaths in, Don't try to change them. Just count how long you breathe in.

And you can count your breaths out. Don't try to change anything. Just notice how many seconds you breathe in, how many seconds you breathe out. And enjoy the last few breaths here. Mindful breaths is probably the last time of the day you'll be free. from busy mind, free from thoughts, enjoying the simple pleasures of breathing. Counting in and counting out.

Okay, when you're ready, take one last mindful look around this world, listen to what there is to hear, see what there is to see if your eyes are open and then you're walking, soak it all in. Notice the sensation of your breath one last time. And then if your eyes are closed, you can open them back up. Come back to the room. All right.

What do you think? Your voice was like extremely soothing. Do you have like another voice dimension that you kind of like click on? It was very impressive. No, I think when you just slow down, it feels relaxing. You know,

when you just choose your words a little more, carefully and I try to leave a little bit of room for you to notice your own experience. So that probably is the relaxed vibe that you're getting. It's just less words. Yeah, it was super soothing. It felt like a brain massage. I'm like extremely relaxed. You know, I did have some wandering thoughts, but it was nice to bring it all back to to the breath and all that stuff. Because, you know, you get a little, but it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Like, maybe it's because it's first thing in the morning. I mean, I had a meeting before this, but. relatively early in the day. Yeah, I personally like to meditate in the morning. When I do it in the

late afternoon, I find myself falling asleep also. So I like it better when I'm fresh in the morning. But I wonder, I think a lot of the listeners, maybe you could just take a minute and speak to any of the struggles that you had. Like if I wasn't here and you weren't doing this, you know, for the podcast, do you think you would have stuck it out the whole time? Do you think you would have quit? It didn't feel like super long. I have no concept of how long that was. I don't really either, but we'll find out what the time stands. Yeah. I would like to help the listeners with some of the struggles. And that's why I wanted you to name your thoughts out loud. So they could, you know, understand that you're not going to be thoughtless the entire time. The expectation is not to be thoughtless the entire time. Yeah. I start,

I mean, I definitely had some wandering thoughts. I felt like you, okay, a lot of the times when you do a meditation, I feel like there's a lot of silence, but because you were guiding it the whole time. it was easy to stay focused, whereas if it's like, okay, and now there's like four minutes of silence, that's a little harder. Well, that's what I would typically do. I didn't do it because four minutes of silence on a podcast isn't, you know, kind of what people want to hear. But typically I would give you at least a minute of silence.

So those are where you struggle. But if you find it easier to do a really intensely guided meditation at first to kind of keep you on track. But if you have that minute and your mind. wanders the entire minute, the second you notice it and you bring it back, that's like what I always say, that's like a mental pushup, right? When you notice it and you bring it back, even if you don't notice it for 10 minutes, the second you notice it, that's like doing a rep at the gym. Every time you notice it, that's a rep. That's the work. Totally. I feel like the silence is

sort of like the advanced stage. Like the fully guided part to me seems like somewhat easier to stay focused because you can just bring yourself back to whatever you're saying. But I did have some thoughts. It was funny. It ranged from like the physical to the planning to like, you know, part of me was thinking about the meeting I had before this. And then I was like, should I've gone to the bathroom before this? I'm not really sure if I have to be. Like I guess I could. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, my air conditioner's off so that the sound is better. Like I'm feeling a little hot. And then I was like, oh, my palms are like a little sweaty. I remembered the other day when my palms were sweaty and I shook someone's hand. And I was like, they're

than being brought back to that embarrassing thought. Do you know what I mean? It's definitely a little wondering. But I think you were very good at bringing me back to the breath. Yeah. And then it's funny how fast you forget it. Yep. That's it.

Think about your whole life, how many thoughts you've had, some of which feel very, very important. And now they're all gone into the abyss of thoughts that will never, it will never bother you again. Yeah. So I'm glad that you're sharing kind of all the things that are going to happen,

all the thoughts that you're going to have about sweaty palms or being embarrassed or the meeting you had or that's great that you're sharing that experience because that's what it is. And every time you come back, it's a perfect, you know, exercise. And I get to choose where I want my mind to go. You are in control, not your thoughts. That's the key. That's why meditation is helpful with life because your experience is your thoughts. And if you get to control your thoughts, then you get to control your experience. And meditation is practice controlling your thoughts. Totally. It was like very great to be able to notice things that I didn't notice before. Like I feel like there's a white noise machine maybe in your office or something that I

usually don't hear. But now I kind of did. Or just like my feet against the wood floors of my apartment was like another thing. And again, like the palms even being their own thing. It is very cool. And then the counting thing at the end, you know, this is like kind of embarrassing thing. I don't tell people when you were like, okay, bring back to like counting. I did think sometimes if I have wandering thoughts at night and that's usually the reason I can't sleep if I can't sleep, I will like physically count sheep in my brain. You know, like it's like the whole thing. Like I'll physically like I'll imagine like sheep like jumping over like a little thing and

I'll physically count them and it does actually help. Totally. It's funny because I've actually used that before. Whoever invented that like some hundreds of years ago, they had the. the right idea, you know, where you're just sort of like choosing something to focus on that's not your wandering line. So there must have been some kind of Sesame Street thing that had that. I think there was. Because I have a recollection of that also. I think it was a Sesame Street thing. That's sort of what I think of like, and I think there's like an animated or most something like. Jumping over a fence.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, it works. So it works. Great for a childhood meditation, I guess, right? Totally. I have to look that up. All right. Well, look, there's so much. more here that we could do if you want to do this again sometime. I have lots of other. I wanted to give you a little sampling of different grounding techniques, but we can definitely do more really quick before we move on. Did you have a mantra that you chose? I like everything is as it should be the first one. I'm not sure if it's because it's the first one and I just like held on to it that you said or if it, it did feel really good. It felt very like calming because, you know, I feel like so much of the day is like where are we going and where do we need to be? And like,

how can things get better and what do I not have as opposed to what do I do have and it's a lot of that and so it was nice to think like of the present and the idea that everything is as it should be that everything brought me to this moment and that it feels like there's a calming sense and like I don't constantly need to be like moving and gaining and advancing like it is nice to sit in the moment love it that's what it's all about yeah that was great and it's you know for the listeners at home you can go back to this whenever you, you feel like you need it, which is also the great thing of that. It's like always there for you. If you, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, in this case, it's free. It works. It's just a great thing to try. There's like really no harm in it.

Totally. And it is. It's like a safe place where you, if you can curate your own mental experience, which is kind of what this is, that's always there. You can always find your way back when you're struggling. You have to take a little bit of time. It's not going to happen in an instant, but if you need it, you can always come back. That's what I remember learning from that class that we went to in Florida back. I was probably over 10 years ago, her saying at the end in this space is here whenever you want to come back. Literally. Anytime. It's great because like you said, it's natural. It's free. It's probably like improving your health overall. When I think of what I often do, which is like a quick fix is, you know, I would take like if I'm sleep, if I'm trying to fall asleep or I'm anxious about something and I have wandering thoughts. A lot of the times like I'll take a clonopin. And I mean, nothing against that obviously. If you know, that's something that helps anyone here like calm down. I think it'd do a lot of people need it. But it was nice to feel like, okay, this is when you can fall asleep or figure out a way to work without it, it does feel like, okay, I'm not bound to any real external thing that's outside my body in order to calm my brain. So I

do, and again, I'm just speaking for me personally, I do realize a lot of people have, like, clinical anxiety that they need. Right. Things besides meditation for, but for me, as someone who has used that, I think, and use this, it feels a little better when I use this because I just feel like I've managed to cure myself and I don't have to depend on this other thing. Totally. And you can do it whenever you want as many times as you want, you know, throughout the day in

any situation. But also for those of you out there that are prescribed medication or, you can, you can't taking something, you can use this as a positive association with that. So if you're already taking some type of medication, add this in with that. And then maybe you can create that sleepy association or that relaxed association. And then when you decide, it's time to, you know, cut back or wean off. You'll have this in place already when you're deciding to come off of something. So one more thought on the topic of meditation because we did it in a discrete period of time and this was our meditation time but really a lot of work can be done by adding this in little bits throughout your day.

So, you know, how people count their steps, you know, they have a step counter on their watch or whatever. How many steps can I take today? Well, a challenge that you might have for yourself if mindfulness is a goal of yours is counting your mindful breaths. So just, throughout the day, anytime you can recognize that you're lost in thought, take that breath in your nose, feel the cool sensation in your nose, feel the warm sensation out of your nose, and just become aware that you are separate from your thinking self, and you can observe your thinking self instead of being absorbed into your thinking self, count that as one breath. And you can do it while you're driving. You can do it in the middle of a meeting. I've done it in the

middle of a session. You can do it at any time throughout the day where you just catch yourself lost in thought, have one mindful breath or two or three or however many you can, and see how many times you can do that throughout the day. If you can do that 10 times throughout the day, you're going to start to see change in terms of either you're practicing, etching, negative thinking and worrisome thinking and anxious thinking into your mind, or when you take this mindful breath, you're practicing a different neural pathway where you're practicing mindfulness, being present, steering away from those thoughts. And you can literally reprogram your brain by doing this.

So the 20-minute meditations are great, but the mindful breaths throughout the day are just as helpful. So try that. I love that. Yeah. Again, if you think about it like a massage, it feels like a treat. Yeah. As opposed to something you have to do.

Have to do. Yeah. And again, if you guys have any feedback oversharing at batches.com, if you want to leave us a voicemail, 646-363-6294. Can't wait to hear your feedback on how you think this went. I think we have time for one email today.

Let's do the overshare. Let's do the overshare. All right. Since you've got a lot of talking in it, I'll give you a break. I'll take a break. Thanks. Okay. Hi, Jordana, Naomi. I'm a long time listener and huge fan of you up, and I'm now loving your new podcast. Keep up the great work. I wanted to talk about getting over, being fired. I worked for a company I really loved for three years. We had performance reviews every six months from our team leads, and mine were stellar every single time. We also had a very measurable system of tracking goals and performance, and I was always very close or exceeding my aspirational

targets. Then something weird happened. As an additional project on top of my workload, I came up with a marketing campaign, let's call it Project Beach, that I thought was great, and created a document about it where my teammates and team lead could give me suggestions slash feedback slash ask questions. My team kept adding comments. Some were fine, while some were pretty passive-aggressive. What is viral? She's giving an example. This went on and on for weeks blocking me from taking next steps to initiate Project Beach and honestly got to the point that I really didn't even like doing it anymore. It's important to note that as the company was fully remote at the time due to COVID, I had one on ones every Wednesday with my team lead where we would discuss ongoing

work, next steps and potential issues. None were raised. Then on a Thursday, I received a ping for my team lead where he asked me whether I would be free to meet the following day with him in HR. I asked him whether anything was wrong and what he had in mind and he said he wanted to discuss the unsatisfactory progression of Project Beach and to see what has been blocking me so far. I asked him whether I should be worried and he literally said, you're not getting fired or anything. I just want to talk. The meeting with HR began with my team lead explaining the situation of Project Beach from his perspective and his lack of understanding as to why it was taking me several weeks to get on with it. I was given the chance to explain myself. Then HR took over and explained to me how

they and my team lead came to the conclusion that they would offer me a termination of employment by mutual agreement allowing me to collect some severance. I was absolutely shocked. I'd like to once again state how unimportant project Beach was to my overall role, but an additional initiative that I thought might be cool, how I had never received any negative performance feedback, and how I hadn't even gotten a hint during a regular one-on-ones that my team lead was not satisfied with my work.

It turned out for the best because I was offered another higher-paying job less than two weeks later through a company that tried to poach me earlier. Still, the whole situation deeply affected my confidence, in my career, myself, my knowledge, and my self-awareness. I still think about it a year later, and I can't seem to understand why my team lead, who I had an even friendly relationship with then, would do this to me without any warning. It was also shocking to me that such a huge decision was able to be made without any documentation of previous low performance or mistakes from my end and how the company didn't

question this decision. The company is a 100-person startup. How do I get over the whole thing? How do I stop questioning myself? How do I stop playing out imaginary confrontation scenarios with my ex-team lead. How do I not let this affect my self-esteem? Would love to hear your thoughts. Sincerely fired batch. Wow. Yeah. This is really hard. This is really hard. I mean, my first thought when I read this is it really sounds like it's affecting her the same way, a bad breakup. I was, I had the exact same thought. I thought of like, I've not, I mean, I've worked for, you know, myself, but Betches like basically. So I've never fully had this kind of feeling about a job. It did. all the things she was saying about like the self-awareness and, you know, just keep thinking

about it and thinking about what you would say to the ex who dumped you or the former boss and like how unfair it was and the self-awareness thing especially. I think the self-awareness thing to me most of all is the thing that felt the most relatable. But at this, I definitely feel I could be a breakup discussion. Right. I had a feeling that was going to be for you because I know that the idea of like being delusional about how someone feels about you or what someone's thinking about you is is a trigger. And I think it is for a lot of people. But that part sounded breakup-ish. You know, like I thought we had a great connection. I thought we were in love. I thought, you know, I thought you really loved me. She also said, how could you do this to me? Which is like,

very loaded, do you know what I mean? Like, and I could see why it would feel like a breakup because it does, again, you're probably spending more time. work than you are with a different person. There's an amount of like trust that you feel in the situation and the idea, I think the scariest thing about this or breakup is like the idea that at any moment like you could be dumped or fired and just have no, you know what I mean, have no idea that it was coming. Again, I think can make you feel like a little delusional and not self-aware and also just scared. Now you're just constantly living in fear. Right. That's what I was thinking about too in this and how it relates to somebody who has a little bit.

a bad breakup and then they have difficulty in relationships going forward because they're left with these scars. I could see, you know, this listener being left with some scars, which, what are scars? They're fears, right? Being left with these fears about her place in the work world. So I think for her, and the one thing that I also thought about when I read this was the idea that she wanted to be creative and come up with something that was additional, that was just her, you know, enjoying her job, it sounds like, and allowing her, if we want to make a breakup analogy, allowing like her heart to open and allowing the love to flow and say, I'm going to do this extra thing because I really enjoy this. And then that's the thing that ended up getting her

fired in her mind. Right. And I think in her mind is also the probably like the important part of that statement because it's kind of like she's now coming up with all these scenarios, which maybe some of them are true and maybe some of them are not true. And there's no real way to know what's true and what's not. This could be like, I think we spoke about a couple of weeks ago, the breakup where it's not about the last conversation. It's like the guy that, you know, or the person that wanted to break up with you for a long time

and then they blame it on this thing. Right. So this could be sort of like maybe they weren't communicate. I could see why she's angry. because if that's the case, they weren't communicating well. They weren't telling her during her reviews that it wasn't going well. And then kind of blamed it on this, you know, project that was an optional, like extra credit kind of thing it sounded like. So now she's just spinning around because either they weren't communicating well the entire time and just blamed it on this project Beach or, you know, she just is completely delusional about what's going on.

So either way, it feels terrible. Totally. And I think you'll see that in a breakup if like, you know, if you have one fight towards the end that seems really insignificant and the person's like, well, I can't do this. And you're like, what do you mean? This is not, you know, I just said I didn't want to go to like your mom's house. Right. And then it, you know what I mean? It becomes sometimes you can tell, but a lot of the times I think it's that person, like you said, not really having the like guts to like say something the whole time and then just kind of using this as an easy out for something they wanted to do for a while. And that's really. more of a fore reflection on the other person. Totally. I could see her being really angry that either they didn't communicate, you know, what they felt, which is really,

it's like why have all these reviews? It sounds like there were a lot of checking, there were a lot of checks here. A lot of opportunities for her to be clued into the fact that they were unhappy with her and they didn't do it. So that's really frustrating. It's almost like asking your partner, like checking in,

how do you feel? What do you want out of this? And they're like, everything's fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Right.

I'm fine. It's like, and then they break up with you, you know? Right. So I guess, let's go to her questions. She says,

how do I get over the whole thing? It's tough. I think she has to identify the fears that she's been left with. Right. I think that's the first part of healing is kind of being able to say, okay, I'm afraid of that I can't trust my gut instinct. I'm afraid that I'm not as good at this as I thought I was.

Like, whatever those, whatever the fears are that she's left with. And then coming back, and kind of being rational about it, you know? Okay, she got another job quickly. So is it really that she's not knowledgeable or not good at her job? Maybe we can scratch that one.

But I think she is left with some scars or some fears from this situation. So first identifying what those fears are and then kind of seeing if you can pick them apart might be one step. Right. To say like what is true? What is a projection in my own head? Right. of like something, especially if you have like negative thoughts about yourself, like, which are based in reality, which maybe you can work on, or which are irrational thoughts that you're now like, again, going three steps. You know what I mean? That's like because I was bad at I, because I wasn't motivated by this project, then I can't complete anything. Right. Do you know what I mean? Is that a real thought or is that? And I think with breakups, it would be like, no one's ever going to love me or I'm right. No one can handle me for that long. And, you know what I mean? Is that a real thought or is that. And I think with breakups,

I'm whatever characteristic you then place on yourself. Totally. To ask yourself. And sometimes, I mean, sometimes it's like, yeah, there's some room for self-reflection and self-improvement. So I think that's an interesting conversation for you, too.

It's like, how do you know the line between like, this is something I could work on? And like, I'm overthinking this and I need to just have more confidence in myself. Totally. Yeah, it's very hard.

I think if you're getting similar feedback from a lot of different areas in your life, then maybe it's something to really think about. But that's why these situations are so hard because you're sort of like, all right, were you kind of gaslighting me here, making it seem like, like this seems like a situation where she feels like she was made to feel like she was doing terribly on this project when the entire time the project wasn't even part of her job description. So it is very hard to think, do I, is this the fault of the other person? Were they just handling this in a crazy way? And it's really not my fault. or is this something that I need to work on?

So I think bearing it down, maybe even writing down those fears in a list, whatever scars you're left with, writing them down and looking at them and doing some self-reflection. And I think after a while, you'll start to realize, okay, these things are just a leftover from that. This is not something that I think is a huge part of my, you know, not something I need to work on. Or maybe you look at that list and you say, you know what, I think there is something here. You know, maybe I didn't really work hard enough on this or, you know, she says lost confidence in

career, myself, my knowledge, my self-awareness. So, you know, writing down what that is and then examining each one probably is a good place to start. The hard part, how do I stop playing out imaginary confrontation scenarios with my ex team lead? I've had experiences where I've like, again, I've thought about that with an ex. Like I've, you know, I've imagined like what I would say to them even years later, I'm like, what would I say to them if I could like just say it all and like, you know, like just word vomit every thought I've had about them and mean and nice and all of the things. And what I have done is I've written an email to them that I've never sent. Yes, I like that. And I actually did feel like that was a really nice exercise because it allowed me to like sort of put all those feelings down into words. I didn't feel like appropriate to send it. But I've written it all down. And I've, you know what I mean? I've, you know what I mean? it allows you to sort of like organize your thoughts and like really think about how you actually do feel and then I find almost better than sending it is to just have it in a draft and then I like to look back at the beginning I would look back on it like a week later and be like how do I still feel like this

right or do I still do I feel like a little better and then you know I've recently like years later look back and I'm like I'm kind of glad I didn't send that just because I feel like I don't feel that way anymore and it's almost like giving this person too much power and like, but it feels good to know how I felt at the time and how much different and how much better I feel now. That's great. I really like that. And I agree.

I think writing it out is a great idea. And then a step two to that that I think could be helpful is almost writing back. What would you want to hear from him? Like if you could craft the perfect response that he would give to you, what would it say? as an opportunity to kind of show yourself like what am I looking for here what type of validation am I looking for what type of feedback I made a huge mistake and just saying okay what would that mean about me how would that change the way I feel about myself would that change the way I feel about myself and helping you kind of unearth what is it that you really are seeking for yourself

this is about you this is about your identity it's not really about this person it's not really about the company, what you're left with are these fears and doubts about yourself and your identity as a person. So if you can identify kind of what it is that I need and how can I give that to myself versus trying to seek it from this other person is sometimes helpful. And that's interesting, like just the idea of like what would what would make me feel like validated? Sometimes, you know, when X does come back or someone does come back and they apologize and you're like kind of like, well, what would? It's always like, it's always like, it's always the case where when, you know, when that happens, you're already, you don't need it anymore.

Right. Usually. Do you know what I mean? But the idea that someone feels bad is sometimes helpful. You realize what you lost. How amazing I am. But yeah, no, I get that. But it just says self-reflection, I think it would be good too.

Yeah. And she says, how do I not let this affect my self-esteem? And I think part of that is, again, like knowing the truth, behind looking at your career and looking at, you know, like you said, like I got this other job, this better paying job weeks later. Whoever this was didn't appreciate clearly what I brought to the table. So it's almost a good thing. And I mean, this is, I think a little bit, few steps down the line of like, it could be, this might be a good thing. I'm now able to be in a situation, in an environment where like my skills are appreciated. And I think it's kind, again, it's kind of like

a relationship in the sense of this clearly wasn't a good match. Right. I'm glad I didn't waste any more time in a situation that was like was not a good match and now I can look back on this and say, what did I like about this job? What didn't I like about this job? Looking at it from your own perspective of what you're setting your own standards. Like what is important to me in a future workplace. Maybe it's like a lot of transparency. It's a lot of clear communication. And you can yeah, you can bring that to like any interview you have where you're like, you know what I mean? You're not just being interviewed and you're being judged, but you're judging the company. You're saying like my past, I had a past negative experience where I realized that I value a company culture with a lot of

feedback and a lot of transparency because I, that's a huge deal for me. And I think that's a good thing. It gives you more taste in your career and in the job market. Totally. And that's your career growth is going through these experiences similar to a relationship and realizing what type of work environments you like, what's important to you so you can go on an interview and, you know, be proactive about what's going to work. And just one last comment about the self-esteem is I think, you know, once you take that inventory of, you know, what are my wounds here, what are my fears here, if there are ones that feel like, yeah, maybe this is something that I did wrong, or maybe this is a weakness that I need to work on, not to allow that

to bog you down, but see it as an opportunity for growth. Okay, if I'm aware that I have this issue and maybe this person, albeit not through the best of means, made this, me aware of these things that I need to work on to just accept that. I'm not perfect. Nobody's perfect. I'm a work in progress. I've noticed this thing about myself that I need to work on. And now I have the power and control of being able to actually do something about it, especially when it's in a work context, right? If it's in a romantic context, it might be more difficult. It's more like, we had chemistry or we didn't have chemistry. He likes blondes or he likes shorter women. Like some things there. There's not much you can do about.

But in a work context, there's usually something you can do. You can take a training. You can try to, you know, put a little more time in. You can, you know, whatever it is, work on a certain skill set. So I wouldn't be afraid the truth will set you free. Be honest with yourself about what you need to work on. Accept that about yourself. And then decide how much work you're willing to put in.

I think that's great advice. I love that. Okay. Let's play triggered. We have time for one triggered scenario. I could read it. All right. Go for it. My college friends and I are a group of seven girls, two of which live in Boston, myself included, while the rest live in other cities. A few weeks ago, one of our out-of-town friends came to Boston for a night to see her friend from high school. I wasn't planning on seeing her since they had plans and I don't know her friend. That night, I received a Snapchat in our college friend group from the out of town friend that said something like, invited name of our other Boston friend out, but she won't meet me. This implied to me that she had invited our Boston friend out that night, but hadn't invited me.

I already feel a bit isolated because after college, I stopped drinking and going out as much as we did in school. And my friends noticed and have made comments about how I've changed and that they miss the version of me that like to go out. Note that my out of town friend was out at a bar right by where our other Boston friend lives and I live a bit away in Cambridge. Maybe this is why she didn't invite me. Not sure, though. I was and am still pretty upset about it. How triggered do you think I can be about the situation? And would you suggest that I say anything or just let it go?

if I'm being honest with myself, if she invited me out, I probably wouldn't have gone because it was late and at a bar I don't usually like going to. But am I wrong to still have wanted the invite? So funny, this is like the classic, like, I want to be invited to everything, but I don't actually want to go to anything. Right. Right. So, yeah, I think you have to be honest with yourself here.

And like, what is it? Why do you want the invitation to show that she still wants to be your friend, to feel like the friendship isn't fizzling, perhaps, which could be. a thing that seems like it's on the verge of happening. So, you know, as far as how triggered, I could see anytime you're left out of something, it's pretty triggering, especially if there's like a discrete group of seven girls, which she said. And so, you know, I guess. It feels like a rejection. Right. So I could see this being triggering. I see like both sides. On the one hand, it's like, if you invite someone somewhere constantly and they're usually kind of like not interested, I could see,

on one hand being like, all right, I'm just, I don't, it's kind of like tiring to keep inviting you when I know the answer, like to just invite every single person. Like, I'd rather invite the person I know would be interested in this thing. Right. Do you know what I mean? And I think about that and it doesn't always have to mean it's like a rejection or they don't like you. It could just mean, again, she's talking about a certain bar. It doesn't seem like you're seen. She knows you. She knows it's probably not your scene. Like I once got tickets to like a Broadway show and I took Mike and he just like doesn't like music. or not really into place. And he didn't really enjoy it. So when I got tickets again, I didn't invite him because I invited a friend instead who I knew would like it. And that same goes for him with like sports stuff. Like in the beginning I would go because it was like, oh, we're dating. It's fun. But now I'm kind of like bring someone who's going to really like it or invite someone that's going to really like it.

I mean, I guess it's kind of nice to have the gesture of the invitation. But it's not always as personal as it feels. Sometimes it's just like, and I guess a bar is different because it's not like you have a number of tickets. Right. But I could see why it's kind of like I'm almost, sometimes you almost feel like you're, you're showing the other person that you don't know them by inviting them to something you know they wouldn't like. Right. I could see that. And then putting them in a position where they have to say no and then maybe make, they're afraid of making you feel bad. Because I think the other side of this is like you said, if you're inviting someone, it's because you want them to come ideally. And her saying no might have felt like a rejection from the other hand on the other side. So maybe she was

protecting herself from getting yet another rejection because it sounds somewhere in here like she must have said no to enough things to where her friends have noted that she's changed and they miss the version of her that likes to go out. So she must have been saying no enough that they've been aware that she doesn't like this and maybe they're protecting themselves by not inviting her. So like you said, if you're the type of person that says no a lot, I don't know. I mean, you can be triggered by anything. Everyone wants to be invited. But I think you have to take some responsibility here for the fact that nobody likes to keep being rejected and hearing no. And I think you could even communicate that. You could say, and if that's like a feeling that you

have again where you want to be invited, but you don't necessarily want to go, I think you could say to your friend, like, hey, I, you know, I know obviously I don't like to go out as much. I always love that I love that you're always thinking of including me. Like I love, like, it makes me feel so good that you're including me, even though this isn't my scene. Like, it still makes me feel really good. I appreciate that you that you still invite me even though I'm not likely to go. Because it's kind of like you really don't know if it's the other person who would be bothered or they'd be into it. And so you're the one, like you said, if you're the one always saying, no, it might be more of your responsibility to be like, and by the way, I'd really like it when you invite me even if I don't go. It makes me feel good to know you're thinking of me or that you would want me there if I did want to go.

Yes. I think she has to take some responsibility here. And if she does choose to have the conversation with her, I think she could say just that. basically, you know, I can understand why you didn't invite me because I usually don't like to go to these types of things, but I do really love it when I still feel included. And I think being honest with herself about how is she going to maintain these friendships and maybe, you know, figuring that out for herself or having the conversation with her friends, if that's what they're doing, if they go out at night to bars and that's not what you like to do. And you do have a desire to

maintain these friendships, you're going to have to put some effort into doing a brunch or maybe she has to be the one to start, you know, putting some effort into planning other things. Right. Because if her friend came to visit and they literally had no intention of getting together, it doesn't sound like this friendship's going to last very long if she came in from out of town and they didn't see each other because she didn't like the activity that they were doing. And the other option is that like, again, maybe you're sort of like they were, it doesn't have to be like this hugely negative fall.

out thing. But it's kind of like, sometimes you have friends that you got along better with in a college days where you were going out and that kind of brought you together and you were in the same place and you kind of had more in common. And then sometimes people evolve. You know, they go, their interests diverge and they're just not as close. And I don't think it has to be a tragedy. It's just kind of like, maybe you're just not as close and maybe you will be at a later point. But maybe for now, maybe you should focus on hanging out with friends who like to do the things that you do or have more in common with you. And it's a good way for. her to figure it out. If she's, if it seems like too much effort to say to the friend,

hey, I'm not into this, but can we get brunch tomorrow morning or, you know, do you want to come over and do X, Y, Z? If she doesn't feel like that's the effort that she wants to make, then it's probably what you're saying, which is this friendship maybe has expired. And it was great for what it was, but right now they're not a match anymore, as we say. Yeah. And how much effort she's willing to put in is a good indicator of which direction this friendship could be going in. Totally agree with that. That's why I'd give this one a four on the triggered scale. Four. Yeah, look, I, you know, I would agree. I might give it a five just because for other friend was invited and nobody likes to not be invited. But yeah, I think she has a lot of ownership here and not

being invited. So I can understand. Well, we did it. We meditated. We answered some questions. We rated someone's emotional scars. And we're ready to go. Yeah, I think we, I think this is a great episode. And again, please leave us your feedback. DM me at Jordan Abraham email oversharing at Betches.com. And if you like the show, if you really like this, write a positive review. Give us five stars on Apple and Spotify.

And, you know, I read them all. So that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Murales-Picot, and Rebecca Salis McHan. editing by Macelio Perez Yes booking by Allie Friedlander Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com

Or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294 Betches