Pod Save America - Terminally Online (Subscription Show Best-Of!)

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

We're off for Memorial Day! Please enjoy this episode of Terminally Online, our new Subscription show. In this behind-the-scenes podcast, Pod Save America hosts and Crooked Media producers commiserate about being way too online as they make their shows. Get episodes of Terminally Online every week, support Vote Save America and get much more by signing up for Friends of the Pod at crooked.com/friends.

Hey everyone. Hey John. We are off today. Right. We're all enjoying our Memorial Day. But we wanted to share this best of episode from our new subscription exclusive show, Terminally Online. I bet I'm featured a lot in this.

Cool. There's a revolving cast in the show that includes us, the three of us, with some of your favorite Crooked producers and staff. And we basically gather to commiserate about being way too online. Yes, we do. Which we are, as we make shows here at Crooked Media. Except for me, I'm pretty offline too online. Yes, we do. Which we are as we make shows here at Crooked Media.

Except for me, I'm pretty offline these days. I'm super chill now. Yeah, I just don't know if you guys know that. Have you seen what Cat Turd said lately? It's out of control.

Human Xanax, we call him here. I did bring Cat Turd up during Pod Save America. Nice. That's a good hour ago. I did. Anyway, we hope you enjoy it.

It's so fun. I love this show. It's so fun recording Terminally did. Anyway, we hope you enjoy it. It's so fun. I love this show. It's so fun recording Terminally Online. So if you want access to weekly episodes of Terminally Online and so much more, head to crooked.com slash friends and subscribe today. A lot of benefits to being a subscriber. You get to be part of the community. You get to be in the Discord channel.

Be a sub. You can be a sub. You can be a friend with benefits. You can be a friend with benefits. You can help vote Save America. There's one tier where love it comes to your house. Even if you don't want them to. You can pay for that to happen or not happen.

Right. It's like bidding on a dinner with McCarthy. $100,000, you get dinner. $200,000, you get to eat alone. Anyway, you're going to hear a bunch of different voices in the excerpts. This is the best of show of Terminally Online that we put together for you today. And here it is now, Terminally Online. Enjoy it. All right, I'm jumping in. We're starting. No small talk.

Welcome to Terminally Online, the crooked subscription show. I'm Elijah Cohn. I'm Jon Favreau. I'm Jon. I'm just imagining Elijah saying that on a first date. Jump in right now. No small talk. I'm Elijah. I'm Hallie Cooper.

I'm Tommy Vitor. This is a chance for us to commiserate about being way too online as we work here at Crooked Media and cover the news. So we're going to start with a little bit of an audience Q&A, one or two questions. Oh, all right. No one told us this. Guys, I was like, I don't care about the writer's track. You're tearing up this script. We're doing it my way.

Hey, pencils down, people. And then we're going to end with a little segment I'm calling Advice Column. So we're trying things out here. What a clever name. Thank you, Allie. Also, to put it in air quotes, was it even more insane?

Yeah, twice. One thing we like to do on the show is bully Elijah because he's on Zoom. That's exactly what happens. Yeah, it's easy. I'm muted all the time. Jon Favreau, what is the moment you realized that you were too online this week?

The moment I knew that I was terminally online this week is when I found myself knowing every detail of the fight between Elon Musk and Matt Taibbi. Oh, okay. So, for all of you who have not followed this, I was riding shotgun with you, pal.

Matt Taibbi, former lefty journalist who's gone all the way around the political horseshoe, now he's a righty media guy. Elon Musk hands him a bunch of internal Twitter info, Twitter emails, which is supposed to show that the previous Twitter leadership was in cahoots with the deep state to censor conservatives and defeat Donald Trump.

The Twitter files. The Twitter files, they're called. Branded now. They did not show that. They did not show that. Taibbi also has a Substack newsletter. This becomes an issue when recently Elon goes to war with Substack over their new notes feature, which is like Twitter,

but with fewer Nazis. Elon then restricts tweets from Substack links because he believes so hard in free speech. Then Matt Taibbi announces he's leaving Twitter for notes. Elon then says Taibbi was a former employee of Substack, which is not true. And that Substack was trying to steal data from Twitter, which is also not true. And we know that because then Twitter stopped shadow banning Substack links. But even though you thought this was all over, after they stopped banning Substack links, What happened? Elon then replied Like a hand through a graveyard. Elon, he just kept on posting.

He just keeps on posting. Posts through it. And he replied to a tweet from one of his other Twitter Files fanboys, Michael Schellenberger, with screenshots of his private signal conversation with Taibbi that he thought would prove that Taibbi was in fact a Substack employee. So we're looking at screenshots.

It's like a Jenga board. Just for everyone, if you're just tuning in, John has now brought to us screenshots between Matt Taibbi and Elon Musk in Signal. Screenshots between Matt Taibbi and Elon Musk in Signal. Here's what's amazing is that Elon thought that these private Signal messages would prove that Matt Taibbi was an employee of Substack. As he says in the DMs, I was never a Substack employee. I was merely one of the first contributors. So the great aha moment from Elon Musk, which he proved that he was right this whole time, just was nothing. And then Elon had to delete these

because he then felt bad. This is a genuine question. Do you think Elon Musk could read? Like seeing that, I'm like, I genuinely don't know at this point. It's like ready fire aim on every issue all the time. The interesting thing about it is he really is just a Twitter power user with too much authority now because he really is just a Twitter power user with too much authority now. Yeah. Because he really is just, he posts through it. He says whatever's on his mind. He makes mistakes.

He gets shit wrong. He's just, he's the ultimate Twitter avatar. He just tweeted just a couple minutes ago that defund NPR. He gave an interview with BBC last night where he, someone said, well, you promised you'd step down as CEO if you lost the poll and you did lose that poll, so why haven't you stepped down? He said, my dog is now CEO of Twitter. He just has the worst sense of humor.

It's the worst sense of humor. They took W out of Twitter, so it says Titter. And they reply to every press request with an automatic poop emoji. Yeah. All this is like a piecing together a suicide note over time. It'd be like, if I started to do all this stuff, I'd be like, yeah, things are really

falling apart for her. Anyway, that's what I got. Too outlined. Way too outlined. Listen, if you want to go deeper, watch the Nnedi Hassan interview with Matt Taibbi where Matt Taibbi does not look good. No, he doesn't. I think it's a five, John. I think that's terminal.

No, I think you know too much. Last time, I think I came with a pretty weak entry last time, so I wanted to make sure I was efficiently terminal this time. I'm going to give it a four, though, because I feel like we could do better. Not me personally, but what do you guys?

Well, I mean, death is, you know, you don't get more dead. He's there. Let's find out. Let's keep this segment rolling and find out. One note on this is that Elon Musk says he's going to get rid of blue check marks for people who don't pay for Twitter blue

on 420, which is so cool, so funny. What are we going to do with the Pod Save America handle? Are we going to pay for Twitter blue? Oh, we are not going to pay Elon Musk one fucking red penny. Absolutely not. Absolutely.

You'll know when we paid Elon because I won't work here anymore. That'll be my last fucking day. Just dying breath, people. The Tesla owner over here. I'm trying to get rid of it. I can't offload it. Are you kidding? It's like drow.

It's like driving around with it. Where's the ad for it? Your tune has changed. What do you mean my tune has changed? I've been trying to get rid of this thing for fucking months. Who wants it? It's a driving around with it. Where's the ad for it? Your tune has changed. What do you mean my tune has changed? I've been trying to get rid of this thing for fucking months. Who wants it? It's a rattly fucking. How have you been trying?

You said you loved it. Talk to us about the process. I'm trying to find another car that I like. Have you been on Craigslist? I need to find it. Facebook mark my eyes. Is it in the wanted ads in the back of the newspaper? The thing is, the thing is, the thing is, there's a car I want, but it's not out yet.

Is it the Cybertruck? Love it. It's a Cybertruck out yet. Is it the Cybertruck? Love it. It's a Cybertruck. Guys, it's the Cybertruck. Well, it was nice to know you because you'll be dead within days when you have that thing. Yeah. They tweeted a photo of the Cybertruck, like the newest one.

And even in that photo, like you could see like the panels are peeling off. And I'm like, what? It's also, I didn't. He didn't own Twitter when I got the fucking Tesla. He was a a little annoying but i didn't know it was going to be like this i just remember a a fairly recent episode of pod save america where you're like come at me bros i love my tesla it's amazing i know but then he really went too far okay much like starbucks and the olive oil we all have to learn you know loveett, when were you terminally online this week?

So now I've been mocked for this in the past, and I'm sure I will again. I am part of basically I think what amounts for QAnon, but if the Q stood for queer, and that is people who look for signals on the internet that Taylor Swift is trying to communicate that she's in some way not straight. Like Al Jazeera and Al Qaeda. Like she's blinking out the fucking SOS.

Like SOS, like beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I'm bi, you know? You're a galer. I'm a galer. You looking for those Easter eggs? I'm looking for those Easter eggs everywhere. Now, her tour, the ERA tour, E Erez tour, has begun, and there are signs. But I don't want to really...

We can show a clip that gives you a taste of what's happening out there. Okay, so just to recap, Taylor Swift opened the Erez tour like this. Hanging invisible string in front of smoke that looks very suspiciously familiar had this background during the fair she got to the line that says you showed me colors you know i can't see with anyone else when it faded to black and white had all of this shit so basically there's a claim that like in the color she's wearing on stage she is doing various versions of the pride flag right in that case the lesbian flag now there is a moment later

where there does seem to be there's a suggestion that her outfits are meant to mirror Karlie Klaus outfits including the moment Karlie Klaus outfits not Klaus like Santa Claus Karlie Klaus outfits Jack Nicklaus Santa Claus's daughter

Nepo baby Santa Claus's daughter Kar just remember I'm following Nepo baby Santa Claus's daughter Carly Claus who got everything handed to her from the fucking wealth of the North Pole and nobody talks about it

but there's a moment in the on stage where she says none of it was accidental where she is dressed like and on a stage like a moment

Carly Claus had she's a little fruity please this woman is a walking pride flag but I don't want to talk about that. This is not actually what makes me too online

because a lot of people know and talk about this. That's not what I'm talking about today. Here's what I'm talking about today. Let's go deeper. Let's go deeper. There's also a question about how Taylor Swift

gets to the stage before the show even begins. And there are basically people. This is the suitcase rumor? No, no, no. This is people trying to get evidence. Can we show the clip of the janitorial cart moving through the arena?

You're building a case, which I really appreciate. This is Gwyneth Paltrow's trial all over again. This is you as your lawyer. So there's lots of footage like this of a janitorial cart moving around the arena. The only problem is it is rare to see a cart that big moved by two security guards with headsets on, followed by several other security guards. But then, finally, at long last, after many clips like this, we have the proof that this is a fake cart

because there it is. This is like the Zabruder film. I was going to say, the cart is parked, the door opens, and out comes Taylor Swift from inside the janitorial cart. Wow. Wow. It was a fake cart after all.

And I do believe she's bisexual. These things are unrelated. I thought the cart was somehow related. Okay. They're very unrelated. They're related. Thank you. I would just like the three straight somehow... Okay. They're very unrelated. They're related. Yeah, thank you. I would just like the three straight men

not to tell me it's unrelated. Hallie and I understand as queer people that the cart and the bisexuality are tied inextricably together. She's coming out of the cart? You bet. Exactly. Smart.

First of all, the footage does look like it's being shot from the top of a bell tower, which I find very... I'm like, who is filming this? Second gunman on a grassy knoll. Well, or obviously a book depository. Yeah, absolutely. It's from an uncomfortable angle in my mind.

Thank you for getting that. Sadly, I unfortunately, I do think she's bisexual as well. But that's almost, that's much more of a bummer than if she was just straight. Because then it's like, oh, you can only convey your bisexuality through smoke and little, like your little outfits. That's such a, as a queer person, such a bummer. But I 100% both believe the conspiracy. We're part of QAnon. Queer Anon, yes.

And I'm glad to see confirmation that she was in the cart. Thank you for sharing this. She was in the cart, too. I do not believe this. That's fine. You don't have to. It's not for you. You're a Hitler, I believe.

No, I just think that. Yeah, they're called Hetlers. We're Gaylers and you're Hetlers no you said hitler it's oh hi hi okay okay okay harlan want to see my backyard um the way that she is i just think that her hints about her bisexuality would be a little more obvious. You hope, but... When she wants to communicate something, she really lets you know. We can't give her a little time.

We're giving her time. She's got all the time in the world. No one's going to... I support whatever choice and path that she's on, whether it's real or not. Oh, of course. It's just unfortunate. If she is bi, she has to hide the half of herself. You hate to see it, but... In a cart of secrets. Right, exactly. She has to hide the half of herself. You hate to see it. In a cart of secrets.

Right. In a janitorial cart of shame. People thought that she went into her apartment in New York once in a suitcase, I believe. Yes, I remember this as well. That's a thing? Yeah. I'm sure she did. Looking at Simone, Simone would know.

Yeah, that was a rumor. Well, now that I've seen the janitor cart, now I believe that more. She loves to be moved around in luggage. Cart filled. She likes to be moved around in surprising containers. How online is love it? All right, well, give me a number. Honestly, I think that's pretty impressively online.

I think that's a four. That's a four. That's a four. I'm going to give it a three only because there is such a, no offense to you, a baseline of conspiracy information available online. There are dossiers about Taylor Swift being queer. So you were building on it. But it's like, again, being a lawyer, which you are for this case. There are dossiers about Taylor Swift being queer. So you were building on it. But it's like, again, being a lawyer, which you are for this case, there's there's precedent.

There are books for you to refer to. Like you're building on decades at this point. I stand on the shoulders of giants. Exactly. 100%. So I'm gonna say three, not quite as online as it might seem. It's all in Hunter's laptop. Damn it. All right. We'll say three and a half to be continued. Tommy, when did you realize that you were terminally online this week? So I want to talk to you all about the most useless feature in all of social media, which is the Twitter what's happening section on the right side of the homepage. If you log on to Twitter on the web, there's a little section on the right hand side of the screen. I would say a solid 75% of the time you see see a name trending for some reason maybe trending just for you you click on

it and it's a series of unfunny redundant jokes and memes about how everyone thought that person was dead uh and then generally no actual actionable or useful information to help you figure out why that person is trending you're just hoping it's not your name yeah you just know you don't want to be so check you make sure you're not trending and get your coffee. So I was looking for a topic for today. And for example, today I saw that

Epstein was trending. All right. So I'm like, all right, I'll bite. I'll play ball. You're like, I know he's still alive. I click on it.

It's a couple tweets about Jeffrey Epstein, your pal. What's true? And on the island. And on the island. Okay. A couple more about

Brian Epstein, the guy who discovered the Beatles, a clinical trial for a vaccine to treat the Epstein-Barr virus, and then a tweet by someone with the last name Epstein. Who was this for? Who was this helping? Yeah. Bringing those things together. Well, it seems like it's probably because it's now broken.

Yeah. A, the platform doesn't have enough tweets to probably fulfill what's happening. And B, there probably used to be a whole team that was like, hey, this is too many topics mixed together, but he fucking shitcanned those people six months ago. This has been a useless feature for a long time. There was a Pepe frog. There were some cringy tweets about TFG getting arrested.

There was this video that we'll show you right now. Basset hounds walking over a log. See, now that's worth it, my friend. I like that. Now I'm back on board. This is great. And then there was some extremely graphic pornography that we will not throw to you.

Did Ted Cruz post it? Who is this for? And what's wrong with me that I continue to click? Epstein. I'm clicking on the Epstein for sure. It is designed, much like Twitter is breaking. It's like it is designed to break you. Like the logic is broken.

So it's designed to mentally break our ability to seek logic. Yeah. It's not good. Look, we were all spiders crawling on the Internet. And then Elon came along and ripped off each of one of our legs.

And now we're kind of running around a little kind of circles. Can't make sense. I'm looking. Michael Cohen for $500 is trending. That's interesting to me. Because Trump is suing

Michael Cohen for $500 million for a beach view contract. I got to tell you, just like 30,000 of you, Trump's got a great case. Michael Cohen has been a terrible lawyer for Donald Trump.

Definitely right. He's right about that. Not a good lawyer. Totally violated privilege. Would not hire him to be my lawyer. Terrible lawyer. Absolutely not.

I hope Donald Trump wins that one. Ohio is trending. Oh, good. All the information I could ever want about fucking Ohio. Good for NPR. Hashtag stock market. That'll narrow it down. Tesla's trending.

I wonder if this is about Lovett's car that he's trying to sell. That's good. And hey, listen, if you're one of our many wonderful friends of the pod and part of the community and you're in the market for a barely used Tesla that does rattle on the highway like you're being shaken by God. And then inexplicably, every time you make a left turn, it sounds like a fucking bowling balls rolling somewhere to the right. We will be introducing a special tier where you can pay for it and then you will get the Tesla. Oh, that's a contest. If you join that tier.

It's a very special tier that does come with the Tesla. Price to move, people. Price to move. It is cool that NPR was just like, it's not a good platform. Yeah, I respect that. We're leaving it entirely.

I do respect that. Well, it's actually the thing. We've also noticed this over the years that people don't click through. When we post pods, it doesn't lead to listens. It doesn't do anything. Not at all.

It's the worst engagement. Like you can look at a tweet. I sent a tweet that has like 2 million views and you'll get like 10,000 link clicks. It's terrible. And but because it sucked up all the oxygen for every other kind of social. It's like maybe like that was preventing something that would have had better kind of click throughs that doesn't exist because Twitter was kind of central hub. Let's all move to notes. We're ready to move to notes.

I'll go wherever people tell me to go. I'm definitely not. I'm definitely not tooting. You're not on post.news? No. I'm not on post. Are you on post? I logged in once.

Oh, okay. How is it? Yeah. That's why I sort of, I was on notes and I had a lot of people being like, Hey, I'm here on notes.

Here's the thing. I think actually the crooked discord is a lovely alternative to Twitter. I like the crooked. Okay, sure. We got a good squad. I think actually the Crooked Discord is a lovely alternative to Twitter. I like the Crooked Discord. We've got a good squad. I'm enjoying some folks on there. There's also the Marketplace where you can buy cars, sell cars. I'm a big Facebook Marketplace gal, I'll be honest.

That's where it's all happening. Crooked used. Should we rank Tommy? Yeah, let's do it. I think he is. This is indicative that he's not very online at all. Didn't really come prepared just went to the

trending page on like the it's okay I'm not really prepared either so I think I came even less prepared so that's the reaction to Tommy

I will give you a two though I'll give you a two yeah that's a two I'll give you a two I'll take it it's a two listen you guys go down that rabbit hole

it's also this sort of like you know what honestly this is what you deserve you're like I come to get funny little jokes about the workplace. It's Friday o'clock somewhere.

I said you had like ass cheeks clapped on your face like an oldie fan stars. That kind of thing. Hallie, when did you realize that you were terminally online this week? Well, so I also came unprepared. I was offered a dispensation by Elijah as the god of this segment to talk about producing a segment that relates to something that's very online. But again, Elijah told me I couldn't talk about it because he talked about it last week. But basically, I'd love it or leave it. Last week, we were in solidarity with Dylan Mulvaney, the trans woman who is now literally like being torn apart by the right constantly

for doing a Bud Light ad. And she's also done other ads like a Nike ad and sort of has become this avatar of right vitriol. In support of her, we did buy some Bud Lights that we were going to chug on stage. And again, there was a video where Kid Rock shot up a bunch of cases of Bud Light. You don't like to see somebody so threatened by the presence of a trans woman. They shoot something. It just the whole thing was bad. So I thought, we'll get some Bud Lights. We'll drink them on stage in solidarity.

And it all made sense. I haven't had a Bud Light since I was in college. And I bring them out. And we weren't going to shock on them because they have a rug at the LA's beautiful Dynasty typewriter. Please come see it. We're there every Thursday. But I bring it out

and I don't know, I'd love to know your reaction because we crack them open. I'm like, all right, this is a funny bit. It will take us 30 seconds. The second that

dirty fucking dishwater hit my mouth, I, first of all, disgust, swill. Okay. No offense,

Bud Light, if you're going to be a sponsor. Oh, it is a fence. It's a deeper fence. No, if you're 18 18 you don't have taste buds Or whatever that's fine And then two it was like a surge of every College memory of drinking that shit

And then just drinking like nine of them And throwing up in front of your friend or whatever Then we both mutually Put it down and said I'm sorry this was a bad bit We just got out And Love It chugged a whole thing of milk On stage in Wisconsin. It's the carbonation and the cold

that really killed it for me. Should have shotgunned it. Should have shotgunned it? Yeah, why didn't you? Because the rug. We didn't want to smell the rug. It would have at least been funnier, but also I literally couldn't even swallow the first sip because it was so rank. I don't mind Bud Light. I prefer Miller Light. I prefer Miller Light.

I'm getting excited to drink Bud Light just talking about this right now. I would have a Bud Light right now with this segment. I think you're both ridiculous. I didn't dislike it. It was just too cold to chug. Too cold? See, and now I know for next time. To me, it had to be ice cold because it tastes like, again, rat piss.

So I just didn't want it to be warm. That was why I took me so long. You guys are not on my team for the case race. That's for sure. It took me too long to drink the chocolate milk in Wisconsin because it was so cold. And ice cream headaches. And this is good production knowledge for me is that if too long to drink the chocolate milk in Wisconsin because it was so cold and ice cream headaches and this is good production knowledge for me

is that if you want to drink a liquid a lot of it it has to be warm and I should know that about you you can't do warm milk though Jesus Christ it's horrific

it's almost as bad as the coffee so the only reason I think it is online is because I saw something online and I was so moved that I brought it to real life which one would argue is actually the most

online thing to do is that I brought it from online back into reality. And I think for as a queer person, these are just going to keep happening, especially as it relates to trans people like these just corporate pride gestures are going to keep running, be running up against like the rights need to create like a constant, like, you know what I mean? The constant churn of hysteria and argument or whatever. And I think as a queer person, it's like, I'm obviously going to support any queer trans person, but it does. I brought a physical manifestation of the feeling of, of this, which is, um, this is a nutcracker I bought at target, um, over the holidays, which is a pride nutcracker.

It has pink hair and makeup and a pride flag. And this is, I think where we're at, where it's like corporations are like, I think this is what a queer person is maybe so we'll make a nutcracker for them one second which i don't hate and it was surely made by fucking tortured uyghurs right so it's like this is there it is right it's this is this is what corporate pride is now a christmas symbol made gay manufactured by people in impoverished conditions exactly and so we have this and eventually, hopefully we'll have real liberation. But in the meantime, I will drink the Bud Light, not because I want to support Bud Light

or be like, but I will support the gesture of pride. You can just buy it and dump it out. It sounds to me like you were very online. You tried to go touch grass. Yeah. And then didn't like it.

So then you went back online. I touched it the wrong way. I touched, my hands are all bad now. You're inspired by Kid Rock and you're like, I stand with kids. And then didn't like it. So then you went back online. I touched it the wrong way. I touched it. My hands are all bad now. You're inspired by Kid Rock. And you're like, I stand with kids. So you got your Harry Potter book. And you're trashed on Bud Light.

And here we are. I'm going to shoot something you like. I'm going to shoot that Snappable. Oh, no. The fact you're drinking Snapple out of a glass with no ice is, to me, insane. Listen, I wasn't trying to give him a branded image. OK, that's fair. OK.

So I don't know. What would that rank? I think a four. Three and a half image. Okay, that's fair. Okay. So I don't know. What would that rank? I think a four. Three and a half. I'm giving you a two. Okay. I think two. I think Kid Rock sucks and you were right to try to tell him to fuck off.

Thank you. Thank you, Tobi. Love his music. Cool. We'll just put you right in. Love his music. Love his music. I mean, look, he's obviously an incredible musician.

He's an artist. He's an artist. He's an incredible artist. We need to separate that art from the artist. We have to. When it comes to Kid Rock. Much like how Hitler was a great musician. Right. He's an artist. He's an incredible artist. We need to separate that art from the artist. We have to. When it comes to Kid Rock. Much like how Hitler was a great musician. Like Caravaggio.

Much like Hitler. Did you see the video? Speaking of Hitler, did you see the video of Kid Rock DJing at Mar-a-Lago and he couldn't get it to work and Donald Trump Jr. was like, oh my God. He's going live.

Like, how crazy is this? It's a funeral home with Kid Rock DJing. That's very online right there. Tommy just saved himself. Why didn't you come with that? I think that's a 405 right there. You see this? No.

Tommy always upgrades himself halfway through the episode. He brings a pretty tame topic, and then he jumps on someone else's. I also want to say, because people are paying for it, you need to know how filthy Tommy's keyboard. And I am a disgusting person. It looks like there's like Nutella on your keyboard right now. The issue is there's something sticky got on

and then it got a layer of fuzz. Okay, all right. You know what happens. Oh yeah, my coffee has a little olive oil in it. I'm disgusting. It's still pretty gross. My Dermot Lee online, It's still pretty gross, though. My Terminally Online, I was going to do HBO Max turning into just simply Max, which is strange.

But then I kind of realized it was just a take about Succession. So I'll get to the Succession thing. I'll just point out, if you have HBO Max and you enjoy watching Succession, you have to download a whole new app. HBO Max is changing to an app called Max and it's not going to update. You're not just going to get a new logo on your Roku or whatever the fuck. You have to go download a whole new app called Max or on Sunday, you're not going to be able

to watch the season finale of Succession. Yeah, that's why they did it. They did it so that they would make sure people would download it. Oh, that's smart. That's part of the timing, I think. It's also going to be a nightmare on Sunday. There's going to be a ton of people complaining about it, like, what the fuck

is this? So that'll be content. Can't wait. My internally online is, look, I know I'm going to get killed for this, but Succession, I like it a lot, but once again, with the episode, i watch the episodes i enjoy the show

fine and then i go online and it's like i just saw michelangelo carve david the statue perfectly in an hour of immaculate television and i then you know what? I did like that a lot more than I thought I did. And I just, I'm standing up and I know there are others of you out there who feel the same way I do, who get a little bored during the episodes, then go online and say, I guess I did like that more than I did. And before the finale, which I am looking forward to very much, you're seen. There are other people out there and who feel the same way. And it's me. It feels like you're trying to say you don You're seen. There are other people out there who feel the same way, and it's me. It feels like you're trying to say you don't like

Succession, and it's like you're holding back every time you hear it. You're a coward pretending to be brave. You're like Ron DeSantis. Succession is a 7 out of 10 this season, and everyone's giving it a 10 out of 10. So I like it. It's fine.

I'm actually sympathetic to the situation that they're in with regards to the absurd branding journey of HBO to HBO now slash HBO go to HBO Max to Max. Because there's a lot of people online who are saying you have HBO. That's the most amazing brand. Why are you doing this? Why would you make it Max? It should never have been called HBO Max. It should always have been called something broader like Warner or Max or something so that you could have the HBO brand and then you could have the Discovery brand and you could have all the other ancillary brands in a row, but that HBO remains special and good for the excellence that it provides. One of the arguments that they made for why they needed to make it be a broader brand

is that there's a lot of people who have Discovery, a lot of people that aren't HBO people, that want the broader, kind of less prestige-y, slow-boil fucking content of HBO that we all love and that for you is ponderous because you're waiting for an explosion because you're a fast-x fucking moron. And I want you to understand something. They have to call it max for people like you, stupid people. Yep. There it is. You have been given a gift that is succession.

Yep. That's one location in 45 minutes. I am sorry that your fucking Twitter, TikTok, I am sorry that your fucking Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, two phone experience, broken fucking brain can't handle watching what is ostensibly, you know, a play taking place in a fucking cathedral. Are you one of those people that starts, you know, texting people during during Broadway musicals? Do you get bored and walk out while you make love to your wife, Elijah? What do you mean to keep your goddamn attention? Okay, kids these days. This is some of the best writing in the history of television and the audacity of you to come out of that experience

and go seven out of 10, do better. There's never been better. There won't be better. The golden age of television is about to end. The writers are on fucking Melrose running around trying to get paid. And you're like, oh, this isn't good enough. You can eat fucking shit.

I'm not saying it's not good enough. The problem is that I go on and everyone is like, this is the best thing ever and I just don't feel it. Okay. It doesn't move that way. I'm going to give you two things.

One, I don't need a good reason for how I feel when I watch a show. I'm going to just not enjoy it and not be criticized by it. Number one. Number two, I have trouble relating to these characters because I find them so detestable. I find them all so awful.

And like the hubris of like, I'm supposed to be sympathizing with them. I'm just like, oh, good. Suffer. Like, what? I'm crying. I don't care. You know what you sound like right now? You sound like the worst executive at every network who looks at a fucking pilot and says,

I don't find any of these characters relatable. You're the person that tried to stop Seinfeld from ever fucking airing. That's what you're doing right now. And I'm not saying you need a reason to not like it, but don't walk around like you're fucking impressive. Like this opinion makes you brave or good. It's embarrassing that you don't like this show. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're right to feel the way that you do. You're right to pretend you like it more than you do on social media. That's the right thing for you to be doing. You've been given a gift

and you're throwing it back in HBO's faces. We are blessed to have Succession and it's about to be over and when it's gone, you'll miss it. Tina Turner died. You want to see something

mean about her? You think Tina Turner is Tina Turner's seven out of ten, you piece of shit? Jimmy Carter is in hospice. Not good enough? Not enough houses?

You can eat shit? So now love is pulling from other means, all right. Also, like, Barry was houses? So now love is pulling from other means. All right. Also, like, Barry was pretty good, too. I like that this way. I don't watch Succession, and I was convinced

by that argument. So go ahead and tune in for the Succession recap next week for all the subscribers where Jon, Jon, and Tommy and Dan will break it down uncritically together.

Look, I'm very much looking forward to the finale. I've been working on it. We got a candle on Breslin. Elijah, shut the fuck up so what's the fucking play yeah

let's fucking do this yeah yep every week the best writing I've seen and it's just Kendall mumbling you don't have to watch it why don't you turn it off why don't you turn it off and go on a fucking hike why don't you watch something else because it's Sunday you turn it off and go on a fucking hike?

Why don't you watch something else? Because it's Sunday night. Who hikes on Sunday night? And also, here's Roman. Yeah, so, I mean, yeah, well, fucking, you know, fuck you. Yeah. Very good. Do you guys understand?

Elijah, I want you to understand something. Of saying Elijah and while you understand something you're of course we understand it you're not making a sophisticated point you're making a simple point and we get it

yeah yes what's the point say it back end the show we all want to get back to our fucking lives listen to you drone on

to this idiocy what's my online rating first oh yeah oh zero you barely deserve to have a screen at all I would say three I would say three you drone on with this idiocy. What's my online rating first? Oh, yeah. Oh, zero. You barely deserve to have a screen at all. I would say three. I would say three

just because you have to, like, you watch something and then go on Twitter and, like, check out, like, what people are saying about it as you're watching it. Like, that's not nothing is what I mean.

I'm going to say four because you go on, you do everything that Malcolm says and then you come here and you complain. And that to me is those online behavior. Howie does not have a dog in this fight.

I don't watch one damn minute of this show and I don't give a fuck. And that's the freedom I've accepted for myself. To hear you complain, you don't have to watch it. Yeah, I'm with how. I stand corrected. Even though I think you deserve no devices and you should be offline completely,

I do think the way you're behaving- I think your eyes should be removed, Elijah. Let's be honest. Okay. Wow. That's fine. All right. I'll agree.

I'll agree. I'll agree with Hallie. I'll say it's a four. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Last week, subscribers wanted to know

the times that Jon Favreau got mixed up with Jon Favreau. And this week, Gretel wants to know. Gretel? When you've... Yeah, Gretel. I've never heard that name in a while.

Gretel, you mean like wants to know what happened to her brother? Yes. She wants to know times you've gotten mixed up with Jon Lovitz or Lyle Lovitt. So both have happened. On the Jon Lovitz front, there was one time that was particularly egregious and embarrassing. And it was when I was doing a radio interview with some, I think you call them shock jocks. Some area shock jocks. Like a soundboard.

Yeah, like, whoa. I'm low-key trying to get Lovett or leave it to turn into that. It is. It's one of the ways we can go with it. But I came on the radio. We were live on the radio. And they said said joining us john love it john tell us what it was like oh no back in the day working with phil hartman my god

and all those snl legends already booked the show how do you not and i said are you oh i'm not that you must i thought they were kidding they weren't but we're on the radio like well then who are you but and that's so hard you don't want to say who you are but it's embarrassing who they've seen his face before but this is what this is pre-zoom this is on the phone this is a phone interview did they not notice that you weren't a the voice of a 75 year old man you know listen your mind will do things and make things seem like what they should be and then on the the Lyle Lovett front, yes. People, when we're on the road,

Halle's seen this. Malcolm, I don't know if you've seen this yet. I haven't seen Lyle Lovett. I saw it online. You will. At the beginning of shows on the road, we've started asking, like, how many people here are waiting for Lyle Lovett? And it's never no hands. There is definitely an older couple who came.

I want to say it was. His name is Lyle. Yeah, but it says never no hands. There was definitely an older couple who came. I want to say it was. His name is Lyle. Yeah, but it says Lyle. Lyle Lovett. Even though there's a picture, it's just people make a mistake. We were told after the show, an elderly couple came up to the box office and it had genuine surprise that it was not Lyle Lovett. Does he know what a podcast is?

Lyle Lovett? Yeah. So yes, Lyle Lovett is very frustrated by this and doesn't find it very funny. Yeah. And this has been conveyed to us. Oh, that's sad. But we've definitely talked to people who are waiting for Lyle Lovett in the crowd and asked them to hang out and see if they had a good time.

And I think most of them have. Yeah, you're already there. You're already about the ticket. I'm now going to try to start booking both John Lovett's and Lyle Lovett. I think that would be a very fun that'd be great yeah it's like that uh snl where jesse eisenberg was like mark zuckerberg and then mark zuckerberg came out and it was him and andy sandberg who was dressed like mark zuckerberg like all on one stage that i remember sucking but i think ours is gonna be great better it's a shame

that lyle love it doesn't think it think it's funny because that's good content. I wonder if the opposite has happened. If some extreme Lovett or Leave It fans have shown up at a Lyle Lovett concert and been like, wait a minute. I'm sure it has. I feel like our fans can read, though. Yeah. That might be the difference. Chief difference there.

Yeah. Ben Hathcote, who is a producer here, he has a behind-the-scenes story that I found very entertaining. He produces things like this show and then also political experts react. The context is that at Crooked Media for the last couple months, we have a new CEO named Lucinda, and we've been getting a lot of phishing texts, people claiming to be Lucinda. And Ben, I'll let you take it from here. Hey, y'all. This morning, I get to the office early. I'm an early bird. And it was just

me and Lucinda, our CEO here in the office. Like Elijah said, we've been getting all these phishing texts and spam messages. So I get a text that says, hey, this is Lucinda, CEO of Crooked Media. Are you free at the moment? And it was literally just me and her in the office. So I'm like, first of all, it's a little odd that she didn't just poke her head out of the door. But, you know, like, she's the boss. And I put my phone on the desk, and I'm like, yeah, absolutely. I just texted back quickly. Absolutely. You responded?

I have the same issue. I rarely question people in power, which is a big issue for me. So I walked into her office, like, walked right in, and I'm like, hey. And she looks at me, and she's like, hey. And I sat down. I sat down across from her at the desk. Made yourself at home. Yeah.

And I'm looking around. I'm like, wow, you know, this is the first time I've been in your office because it was. So I was like commenting on the pink walls and we're chatting about design stuff. And I sat down and, you know, she looks at me and she says, how are you? And I'm like, I'm good. I'm okay. You know, we have two recordings today. I tell her a little bit about what's on my plate, but she seems confused, which makes me like really confused. Like, why am I here? What do you need to talk to me about? So anyway, we chat for a little bit, but she keeps referring to a meeting. She's like, you know, I have a couple minutes.

I have a couple minutes because I have a meeting coming up. She's like, it's okay. You know, I can miss the first couple minutes of the meeting. And she was like kind of like prying at like what do you want to talk to me about and i'm like what do you want to talk to me about so you do not say at any point like yeah so i got your email or anything no no so so so because i had left my phone at the desk so then you know we talked a little bit and she's like you know hey i'm glad we could do this i'm glad we could talk let's do more of this and she's like, you know, Hey, I'm glad we could do this. I'm glad we could talk. Let's do more of this. And I'm like, yeah, you know,

thanks. Thanks, Lucinda. This was, this was great. This was at like, you know, nine 30 in the morning. Uh, and, uh, so then I, I, I, I come out, um, sit back at the desk and then I, I, I see my phone that my phone has been blowing up with texts about, you know, this is urgent. I need an Apple gift card. But I was I was receiving I was receiving these texts from her while I was in there meeting with her. You started to put it together. You started to put it. You started to put it together.

Like I should have brought an Apple gift card for her. She was waiting for me to offer her a gift card. And I didn't. Yeah, and I felt like a big fool. I slacked her. I'm like, wait a second. You didn't invite me to have a meeting with you? And she's like, no, not me.

So anyway, that's my impromptu terminally online. That's awesome. That's way better than what I was going to do. Yeahally online. That's awesome. That's way better than what I was going to do. Yeah, seriously. That's great. That's great. That's so funny. I love that. So what's up? Dude, you're trying to figure it out.

And also, by the way, from her point of view, just like, wow, there must be something he's working up to get to, you know, like he's taking this time and he has something he wants to talk about, but he's getting to the place where he's going to share something or an idea or concern

and just kind of trying to have an open door and you just didn't get to it. No, no. And like, who was more confused? Was it me or her? I mean, luckily she like rolled with the punches. She was like good about improv-ing this meeting. But I wouldn't just barge into the CEO's office unannounced and make myself at home.

I think it's cool as hell. Thanks for telling us that. Hey, we believe you. And we see you. Thanks, y'all. Let's go to the advice column. Dump him. That's a deal breaker, ladies.

Dump him. He's just got that in you. I'm going to tell you how it works. Subscribers ask for advice. And this week, I'm the subscriber. Okay. Twist. What's your question?

Are you going to ask us what to do because you're stuck in a red state? Work-life balance. Elijah and Charlotte. That's a deep cut. He's like, I've lost your mean doors. Elijah in North Carolina, you're on the air. So you guys are Obama's former speechwriters, spokespeople. Hallie, you're an excellent writer.

You're a professional writer. Thank you. Next week, I'll be out in LA seeing you guys because I'm going to a wedding where I have to give a groomsman speech. How do I give a good wedding speech? First of all, if you were

coming for a wedding, Crooked paying for that flight? Oh my God. No, they're not. I'm fucking believable. Here's just a question. Do you have a time limit? Sometimes people say one minute. I have a problem, which is like,

I can't think of a story with both of them in it that's appropriate to tell at the wedding is my problem. Just do the one you know. Here are a couple tips. Keep it brief.

Yes. That's number one. Number two, I think most important advice for giving a toast at a wedding is do not talk about writing your toast or how you didn't know what to say. Or I sat a lot thinking about do not do the making of the toast. It fucking sucks.

It's bad content. And don't tell people how great your friend is. So and so is kind and smart. Find a little story or an anecdote that shows it. Don't overwrite. Everyone overwrites their wedding toasts everyone uses way too many fucking adjectives to tommy's point no just tell figure find the story find the story that's funny also provide enough context around the story so that the audience who doesn't

know you and your friend really well and know the backstory can still understand there's a lot of like inside jokes suck they suck don't do the things like but you know what i'm talking about that time we were in no one else knows we were in syracuse i'll save that for another not for today not for today that shit sucks ass don't do it amateur hour if you don't have a funny story you should switch tack and just go incredibly emotional i mean incredibly sincere at my one of my brother's weddings, his best friend gets up, who's like, yeah, he's just a funny guy.

He's from Ohio, you know? And he gets up and he gives the most emotional, like loving, open-hearted, people who are sobbing because we just didn't expect it. That's what you do. That's how you get them. I think that's right. I think that's right. That's good too.

Yeah. And then he comes up and tells you, you did a good job. So really it's like, it's your wedding. Go against type. Go against type. Go good too. Yeah. And then it comes up and tells you to do a good job. So really it's like, it's your wedding. Go against type. Go against type. Go against type. Yeah.

Powerful. That's just great advice. I was definitely going to do a little, when I was thinking of writing. It sucks. That shit is garbage. It's been done. We've all seen it, you know?

And Elijah, oh, it's also, it's not a roast. Right. It's not a roast. It's not a roast. Not a roast. Was that helpful?

That was genuinely great advice. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it. And send it to Levitt for a punch up. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. it's not a rest not a rest was that helpful that was genuinely great advice okay thank you I appreciate it send it to love it for a punch up yeah okay yeah

thanks John for signing up for that and just be glad I'm not giving a toast to that wedding either you know oh my god because

you know I always bring it thanks for listening to terminally online new episodes come out each Saturday and again you can get more episodes

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