Podcast: The Ride - Adventureland with Jon Gabrus

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Jon Gabrus (High and Mighty, Action Boyz) joins us to talk about Long Island's Adventureland. Featuring pirate ship mishaps, another scary tree, and fighting, fighting, fighting. Being The Ricardos episode up at The Second Gate: Patreon.com/PodcastTheRide Listen to Podcast: The Ride Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus: http://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus FOLLOW PODCAST: THE RIDE: https://twitter.com/PodcastTheRide https://www.instagram.com/podcasttheride BUY PODCAST: THE RIDE MERCH: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/podcast-the-ride PODCAST THE RIDE IS A FOREVER DOG PODCAST https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/podcast-the-ride Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Forever. Dog. Warning. The following podcast may contain torrid lightning storm hookups, rowdy carnival brawls between drunk 13-year-olds, and unwise drug and cheese cocktails. And if you can't tell, none of this is stuff Scott, Mike, or Jason did. John Gabrus leads us on a good time in Long Island's Adventureland

on Podcast The Ride, a podcast hosted by three real confident guys, not dorks at all. Guys, play along so our guest doesn't figure it out. I'm Scott Gairdner, joined by Mike Carlson. Hi. Hey, I am confident. Sounds like it, yeah. Yeah, my voice is very deep. That's right, always.

And it's not because I have a canker sore like way back in my throat today, which is true. It's because of my toughness. It's not because of the stress i put on myself on a day-to-day basis that gives me sores in my mouth that's not why it's because i'm so fucking tough and i cursed so yeah that's right that was very tough very tough and fits into this archetype as well i'm so confident uh so my ailment currently is that um i have some sort of uh inflammation on my left index finger so i am on uh multiple antibiotics wait whoa whoa whoa multiple idea well an ointment

and uh a pill yeah prescribed prescribed yeah via uh the miracle of teledoc uh yeah i thought it was like a very painful ingrown nail and then it just was not going away. So, uh, that's my, my thing that I likely did through stress, potentially.

It wasn't through jamming on the guitar. No, it wasn't through just like getting some tasty licks. Yeah. The guitar. Yeah. Jason usually plugs in and just like solos over some old Sammy Hagar Montrose albums,

but that's not, that's how I get into the zone yeah but uh let's let's bring in our guests too i think we've done we've done a good job uh preparing for our who we are in our time uh you know he's one of the funniest people in all of podcast from high and mighty action boys john gabriel is here yeah i actually am unruly unduly confident so uh it's smart to bring me in i'll bring that kind of energy for you guys good thank you yeah i need it my only physical ailments are ones i've been dealing with forever obesity uh small dick arguably one really helping the other one shine what a pairing yeah what a deadly combo the devil's pair if you will uh i got a i got a pimple right in the inside of my nostril also so we're all everybody's doing great everybody's

their best selves yeah we need this as relief today i'm so stoked to be on podcast the ride because since we did that live show in chicago sort of we were paired action boys and you guys yeah in the dressing room yeah and i and leading up to that week the action boys we cannot stop talking about how we are probably the two opposite energy podcasts like because we roast like disney adults because we're just 40 year old toxic masculinity guys so like we're just like uh and it's like it's so funny that adults because we're just 40 year old toxic masculinity guys so like we're just like uh and it's like it's so funny that the two we're like again talking about four quadrants we're hitting all four quadrants between those two podcasts all four white quadrants

it would have been really funny it would have been really funny if our audience stayed and then you guys just did the show in front of them. Yeah, and vice versa. People who watched a Chuck Norris movie in preparation sit down with you to talk about the parking lot at whatever. Ours wasn't about a mall. It was about things that used to be at a mall that aren't there

anymore. Interesting stores and restaurants. Yeah, compatible threats, I'd say. Yeah, no, we're glad you could be here to bring this energy and um and flesh out the quadrant situation uh um and also i think it bears mentioning possibly i think it's a little interesting that we were like we've been wanting to have you on for a while but in my head it was like no that's one to not zoom because we're sick of zoom we're gonna do it in person

we're gonna do it right when things are safe and then you said you'd do it and then you got i got covid over christmas and i was like i should look at my calendar because i think this takes me to 10 days takes me to january 5th do i have anything early in the year it's like oh i do have an in-person podcast record i'm like scott i confidently said yes i'd record in person but alas we need to punt it uh i uh it seems like it went fine seems like you're good to go i'm okay now yeah i feel i feel good um something occurred to me there is a there's we have a system that we have probably not used in years, how we're supposed to rank rides and parks. Our system of keep it as is, plus it up, or burn it to the ground for insurance money.

We rarely do this anymore. Maybe we'll do it today with Adventureland. But I thought we should ask you to do that with COVID, if you had to keep COVID keep covid as is plus it up prove it in some way ideally we burn it all to the ground and get insurance money or at least insurance we just get health insurance might help all of us burn it all the ground to give everyone health insurance that sounds good to me all things to the entire country to the ground yeah yeah start over sure i'll take another $600, honestly. I just prefer not to be on a prepaid debit card for whatever reason this time.

That makes it so hard. I did a podcast where the payment was like a $75 Amex gift card. I'm like, I have no idea how to use this. And it's like, I got to buy something that's exactly $75, I guess. Or I have to bring it with me in store shopping which is not a thing you want to do these days swipe my 75 then pull out my credit card and put that last

eight bucks on it or something had more and then the transaction is longer now you're in the place longer yeah that's that's no good no that's you gotta have like a code too right usually yeah and i'm not of the level of wealth yet where i'm gonna let 75 that i got for podcasting fall on the wayside i'm like sure i'm like uh like my wife is like you okay i'm like yeah i gotta figure out i gotta get this money in our accounts we're gonna be okay and i'm like well you know i don't make a lot of money so when it comes in i want to put it so trying to like take the money out of the card somehow i need the money where's the money you're ripping it up with your fingernails inside it god i have the money like like you think it's an envelope it's like yeah

like something's got to be inside guys hide the american express gift cards we'll do something else to the thing gabriel shove it back in your backpack shit all these jeffrey bucks we were gonna give them um you're you were here today you brought up this topic i love when there's something that that has not come up on the show and that like represents a whole area of the country that we don't really know about and we were talking about adventureland which we should say is not the disneyland land adventureland and it's not a place in Iowa called Adventure Land. This is Long Island's Adventure Land.

Not to get to fully into Long Island-centric, but I googled Adventure Land just to see if, before I came here, check the Wikipedia and see if I... And I was like, what do you mean there's multiple Adventure Lands? And I'm like, the most basic ass fucking name, but it's such a part of my childhood that i was flabbergasted that it existed elsewhere

well and the the one in iowa just changed owners to right at the end of 2021 like the people who owned kennywood bought the adventure land in iowa and i'm reading this article and i was like i don't think this is long island because it mentions Des Moines a lot it mentions nowhere about New York and then I was just looking at all the names the owners and so now I'm just googling guys names just to make sure I'm not like oh funny enough it's owned by the no it's not but this is the Adventureland that inspired the Jesse Eisenberg movie yes Adventureland yes even though in that movie the Adventureland that inspired the Jesse Eisenberg movie. Yes. Adventureland. Yes, even though in that movie, that Adventureland is in Pennsylvania. That is Kenny.

Yeah, that was shot in Pittsburgh at Kennywood. Yeah. Okay, so they shot it at Kennywood, but Greg Mottola, the writer-director, is from Long Island and based it on his, I think his experience working at Adventureland or at least hanging out there. Worked like carnival games seemingly. I haven't seen the movie, so if there's carnival games in the movie i think they're carnival games i haven't seen the movie in a long time and uh if i remember correctly there is it van wilde uh ryan it's van wilder yeah he's always been wilder to me baby but uh ryan reynolds i think is in it and uh kristin

stewart yeah stewart uh i think hater and wig yes hater and wig are sort of like the grown-ups at the place yeah okay oh and they all they have uh shirts that say games games games okay that was one of the things about it yeah what are the what are the other character shirts say i don't know i just remember they all had that on the poster when you search adventure land on eBay, you find the promotional games, games, games. I kind of want that shirt now, though, now that you're saying it. Deep reference. Wow.

Deep merch. I like deep merch that conveys something else also. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a fan of games in general. So people are like, oh, you like games. I'm like, yeah. But if people are like, oh, is that from Adventureland? You could be like, yeah. Now're getting like the bonus content out of it

yeah this is this is what i say all the time about the toys i collect you want like deep you want deep characters that people go on who's that and then you explain to them like because my biggest dream is to have a michael eisner doll and i say like this is a first like edition michael eisner doll from 1989 when he was fresh CEO. Yeah. The Disney-est of all Disney figures I got right here. Not Mickey. Fuck Mickey.

Fuck Mickey. Fuck Walt. It's the original Eisner. Characters are made up. Eisner's real. Eisner's a real fucking guy, man. Yeah. That action figure does not exist, though. It doesn't, but I feel like I want to will it.

That changes it. It's something I'm munching a lot on the show So it's like a dream No one's going to make it at this point The guy's 85 years old I think somebody can make it I guarantee it You know what I hate to really take us off on a tangent There's a guy who sculpted a lot of the old Ninja Turtle toys

When we were kids and a lot of the Happy Meal toys And he just posted that he's willing to do like sculpting work. Whoa. So I don't know if he should sculpt the podcast the Ry Boys and then have Michael Eisner as their friend as well. I gotta figure out. That's where you run into a thing where you see that connection and you're like, alright, I can get

us a cool gift for the podcast or I can make my dumb dream finally come true. You're trying to make those both happen in the same, though. I'd rather have Eisner. I'm going to be judging how I look. Like, oh, that's what he thinks I look like on the side. I don't know if he did Funko Pops.

He's like, he doesn't, dude. I'm like, whoa. That's what my fucking head looks like. But if we're like the same scale as like the Muppet Baby Happy Meal toys with Nanny and Eisner's like Nanny and the three of us are like on the big wheel. You want him to tie your shoes next to you? That's a good point. You want him to be our daddy is what you want. I mean, yeah, I do.

Long story short, I'm looking for a daddy. Does anyone, can anyone 3D print me a daddy? Preferably that resembles Michael Eisner. Yeah, please. Your actual father is listening. He listens to every episode. He does?

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I said that I could, there's an episode where I said that the full house man raised me in the morning because he worked nights and he got really upset.

Oh, man. Does your dad listen to any other podcasts? Yeah, he listens to like, he's in like this, he like goes like, oh, you know, this off book podcast is really good uh yeah he listens to like he he's in like this he like goes like oh you know this off book podcast is really good and then he listens to dough boys and oh cool all right because i was like my mom doesn't listen to my podcast but i don't feel offended because she doesn't listen to anything but billy joel and elton john you know sure so

but i a dad who listens to other like that generation someone who listens to podcasts that blows me away a little yeah he may he probably listen to yours now no shit thanks pop welcome papa carlson sorry mr eisner yeah yeah you're not very polite he might not get that listener mike's dad specifically yeah he'll try it now that we brought it up he'll try it he'll listen to the show my dad work as well. I should mention really quick that my, speaking of Off Book, my mom finally has a phone that gets podcasts. And I told you guys this, finally attempted to listen to Podcast the Ride and put it on and said,

I didn't understand what was going on. There were songs about bears. I didn't know what was happening. Basically, we did an episode with the Off Book podcast. There was an improvised country bear jamboree that does not represent the other episodes whatsoever so my mom finally tried why are there bear songs never trying it again damn it i had my one chance any time a broken format yeah anytime a friend from the past or a non-comedy friend who doesn't understand podcasting or family member chooses to listen it's always like i listen to the one you did about pornos with and it's like oh no like they always listen to the one where you're like i

would never send that as the one to listen to i listened to the off format one where the audio was really fucked up from seven years ago it's like why what made you choose that one a friend of mine from high school listened uh hadn't listened and he's like oh a friend of mine from high school listened, hadn't listened. And he's like, oh, a friend of mine listens to your show. He said, and he said, oh, I went to high school with Jason. And he's like, oh, yeah, Jason recently mentioned a short story to crickets. Like the response to mentioning that story was complete silence. What short story? Does this happen?

I think we were talking about um uh uh to about the impressions to france and i said something about like writers who wrote about theme parks and i mentioned a george saunders short story macarthur genius grant oh you said we were like we just we were like what are you talking about i yeah and i was like oh that's okay let's just move on don't worry about it This feels like a humble brag that you're saying like, oh, by the way, listen to Jason. This feels like a classic re-litigation. It's a re-litigation, but it's also-

I want a bigger reaction this time around, assholes. But this isn't like I listened to the podcast and I was embarrassed what I heard. This was like, I listened to the podcast and Jason's smarter than his other hosts. No, it was like Joe Jason misread the room and was greeted with complete silence. Oh, okay.

The phrase crickets was in the end. Unless it kept going to say the crickets were undeserved because his co-hosts are dummies. Which is true, but okay. Your framing was correct. I apologize. If you can weave organically a George Saunders reference into this episode, we'll react huge. I promise. Luckily, there is a rainy pond in Adventureland,

so you can shoehorn in swimming and bird life. I assume. I don't know the references myself. Crickets, crickets, crickets. Tell us your connection to Adventureland. This was a place that you went a lot as a kid. You live near. What's your situation? It was a few that you went a lot as a kid. You live near. What's your situation?

It was a few towns away, but like anything on Long Island, like everything is 20 minutes away if anyone asks. It's like it's a 20-minute drive. It's a 20-minute drive. It wasn't bad. It's in Farmingdale, Long Island,

and it was a go-to like treat destination. Like, oh, we'll take you guys to Adventureland. Like once a year was a thing from the family but it was also a go-to like field trip location for high schools and and younger and then also like so-and-so's having their birthday at adventureland or so-and-so's mom

wants to take uh so-and-so and three friends to adventureland. So it was kind of like a thing to do. I would compare it to hiking in Los Angeles. Would you like to go to Adventureland Saturday morning or whatever? But it was a fucking... And so we had Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey, which was way further away, but we knew that was like the real...

Adventureland felt like uh to us i and again we didn't even know the the differences between that we just knew that they both had the word adventure in it so it was like adventureland is like junior is like the little brother to six flags and in reality they have no connection whatsoever it's just again our small world of like we we've been the six flags and that's huge so this must be the little brother that's on long island and we fucking i loved i loved that place i loved adventureland until you got to it like 19 and you were like this is this is an arcade more or less it's like arguably like a large street fair in a way you know what i mean it's not like it's not particularly thrilling or exciting and there's not yeah cool vintage

shit that you would be like oh this is legendary it's been around since forever like the music express oh fuck they still they're still playing get a grip on this eat the rich in 2011 well this is exactly your historic look we talk about Aerosmith all the time on this podcast so you talk about I'm sorry I don't recognize the bad boys the bad boys from Boston as well excuse me so well I hate to keep sidetracking but do you agree with Scott and I that the best Aerosmith song is jaded oh shit I do not I don't know yeah jaded's a little like power poppy I don't know Yeah it's power poppy I like Dream On

Okay That's a solid choice Yeah That's cause I And maybe it's because It's the song When I first heard it And someone's like

That's Aerosmith I was like No fucking way His voice sounds different My favorite Aerosmith song Is the one that Doesn't sound like them at all

Yeah there is a I remember like Not understanding that Once I Getting acquainted With 80s 90s Aerosmith With like Wayne and and garth alicia silverstone aerosmith and like wait that can't be that doesn't sound like the same guy at all my way into aerosmith was like the first album i got was get a grip because they were cool from revolution x and oh yeah and

those videos that which that vr one that goes right hand in hand with revolution x these guys are up on technology and they rock i love i just watched a full aerosmith concert four days ago on on access tv which has all the rock and roll you'd ever want from all the different personalities talking about it and steven tyler starts out the show in a giant native american headdress okay good good good i'm not gonna pretend i don't know his uh background i don't know i'm not i'm unwilling to weigh in on this either way i just said a fact i just said a statement oh yeah you're right you didn't ask for opinions okay thanks for the fact that that would you say that's one of the biggest things the pandemic took from you because in in 2019, 2020, you were really excited for the lead up to Aerosmith's Vegas residency. Aerosmith had been doing a Deuces Are Wild Las Vegas residency.

And I wanted to be in the pit so bad. A Deuces Are Wild? A Deuces Are Wild residency? It's a Deuces Are Wild residency. It's one of the sort of famous Deuces Are Wild. You know, you're very familiar with it. I'm very familiar with Vegas and very familiar with Aerosmith. So this is starting to creep into my likes here.

I DM'd the park MGM and I said, will Aerosmith be back for their deuces are wild residency? And they said, we have no information about that at this time. So it feels like, no, it feels like they're not going to be back doing it. So I'm sitting on Billy Joel tickets for the end of February in Vegas, hoping that that doesn't get rescheduled or canceled. I know i'm just like spitting into the wind with covid i'm like fuck it i'll go to vegas that might be okay in february but i think you turn the mic off oh i did turn it off yeah you're good perfect

podcasting professional here turning the mic off mid-sentence secret information you wanted to give yeah i just listed my credit card number that i used to purchase the billy joel tickets i'm glad i happened to turn the mic off you'll be in at that with a specific time and it's it's from the the sniper section across the other side. It's wide open. Clear shot. No barricades whatsoever. Where were we? We were talking about it. We're happy to be in Aerosmith as much as possible.

Adventureland, well, I saw that in looking at it on Google Maps or whatever, I noted from above that the physical space of the park, I think, might be a little smaller than the target that's next door yeah it is like there's not a ton of room at this no there's like a mall that's like now like you know a sort of not a full-blown closed-in mall but like a strip mall kind of thing that features a dave and busters that's like a five-minute drive north on the 110 or whatever this is on. 110 because that used to be in the name of the park is what we. It was called

Adventureland 110 Playland. Really clunky. Trying to get land in there as much as possible so people understand that it's not in the sea or in the air. It's not virtual. People are very confused. We gotta say land a few times okay

on 10 land play land land so like a little further up on the 110 was a dave and busters and the rest of the mall like the dave and busters was like half the size of adventure land you know what i mean and it was like it started to feel really quaint as things got bigger like even like the proliferation of like suvs made adventureland seem small you know what i mean like the second you were like 16 you were like this place is small because you were just finally big enough to not be in awe of it yeah it definitely is the definition of like a local park like a neighborhood park yeah and like i've said said that before about knott's berry farm because there's like houses right behind it there's houses close by but this is really like oh yeah when you look at it on the on google maps uh there's a target

on one end and then down the street is a speedway so it's like and it's just off the main drag yeah off the 110 and it's like okay so if you And it's like, okay, so if you pass the target, you're coming up on it. If you hit the speedway, you've gone too far. And that 110 just has the most suburban Long Island bullshit all the way up and down it. It's like a main thoroughfare. You got Buffalo Wild Wings around there. You got a Stu Leonard's. Oh, yeah.

People keep saying we got to go to Stu Leonard's, this grocery store with all these animatronics oh i've never been i've never i didn't even know that was a long island place i think i went once in upstate new york because someone loved their hot chocolate or their chocolate milk or something we gotta stop at stew leonards get the chocolate and i was like i remember being like mad at the woman who was saying that so i didn't go in oh wow my friend's wife was like i got it and i was like oh i'm fine i was just like mad at the way she was her energy and i like did like the pouty thing where you're like i don't want anything then you just sat in the car and in hindsight i'm like now i'm in a situation where people are talking about stew leonards and i'm like fuck why didn't

i just go into stew leonards a guy who loves to see new things and eat food and drink beverages no i'll spite you. You won't register it at all. There will never be a moment where people ask on some sort of air have you ever been to this place? Do you have observations about it? Especially the chocolate milk. Someone did

warn us once. It's like, hey, be careful though. There's one Stu Leonard's that doesn't have the animatronics. So don't waste your time. That'd be the one we all drive to take a huge field trip. It's only five hours away in Central California. You get there, it's the one without animatronics. Damn it. That happened to me in Dallas.

I tried to go to a fancy McDonald's that had chandeliers, and then I got dropped off in just the most bitter, cold, desolate parking lot. Immediately clear from the outside this was not a fancy mcdonald's walked in just to make totally sure no bad people sleeping in all right let's get out i like did it change long lift ride to get to the yeah it was once i swear guys i'm not making it up there was a mcdonald's with a bunch of chandeliers that's worth going way out of your way how long did you drive like 25 minutes i think maybe do it too yeah then went to and then like oh this is chucky cheese though chucky cheese didn't have the animatronics a total waste of it oh dude chucky not again not to go on tangents actually but i'm purposely doing it that's okay yeah it's for the

not a tangent uh a kid had their birth chucky cheese was a big birthday party destination on long island as well we had a nearby one and uh a person had their uh a classmate had their birthday party there i went chucky a big figure comes up what maybe chucky maybe one of the other gangs but a costumed mascot asks me for the gift. He's like, oh. And I'm like, yeah, I'm here for Samantha. Maybe it's Samantha. I was like, here for her birthday.

And he's like, and he like smiles and nods and takes the gift. And then later on when they're opening the gifts, I'm like, hey, I got something. And it's not here. And it's like, no one could find it. And I was like, oh, my God, I think the mascot stole the gift. And I remember what the gift was because I started, I was old enough, like I was 10 or 12 or something, but I was old enough to know it was not a kid that stole it, like a grown-up stole it, or at least a 17-year-old. And it was, remember those like scoop little handheld baskets that were sort of like hot fake high life for kids you know like

you would throw like a wiffle ball back and forth with oh yeah it was just like a plastic look that's what the gift was and it made me laugh so much that like an adult stole that like someone's like all right hopefully it's a video game and they just take it home and it's something that's like seven dollars and garbage you need a friend to do that doesn't even feel like i because we had birthday parties there i don't remember like chucky or mr munch taking the gift yeah it was weird like i i walk in they were like oh and i like handed him the gift he's like nods and like walks away and i was like well he must know it'd be really funny if it was like not an official chucky cheese character oh yeah this

is like this guy's very specific yeah he's like i bought this thing on fucking ebay for eight bucks i can get anything i want from these kids i'm a fucking art i'm an aardvark and i wander into chucky cheese and i steal some presents and i leave everyone there is stoned they don't know they don't know what the characters of the ip are corporate hey who's the aardvark and it's like oh i gave my present to the aardv Hey, who's the aardvark? And it's like, oh, I gave my present to the aardvark. Well, there's no aardvark in the band. It's like, well, I'll tell you what. There's an aardvark in the parking lot.

There's no aardvark in Chuck E. Cheese. Everyone laughs at you. You idiot. Who did I suck off in the bathroom? What? I gave him the gift I was going to give the birthday boy. He showed me we had matching stamps. Man.

Oh, boy. Okay, this place, what about this place okay any particularly like memorable uh specific parties yeah memories i have a really uh strong memory of a really strong memory uh one of my biggest memories at adventureland which uh was i went for a physics field trip sophomore year of high school or junior year of high school, maybe. Maybe it was sophomore.

One of those two. And the girl I had a crush on was in my physics class, and she smoked pot. And I didn't smoke pot at the time. I just drank. As a matter of fact, we'll get into it. We drink before the field trip. So we get to 40. me and me and some of

the and this is an advanced physics class so a handful of the ap kids we get together and drink 40s at 7 a.m before we're going to and before we're going uh to adventureland we're like yeah we get fucked up it's a field trip bro we used to get drunk before school like once a month like it was like a thing yeah i i was a true dirtbag in high school like i was like i the more i talked to people i thought the amount i misread i thought everyone's high school experience was like mine i'm so like self-centered in that way whereas i got to ucb and i'm like you guys are all crazy ass class clowns right who uh tried to break a bottle over your own head at a party once. And I was like, no, I went to NYU for theater. And it's like, oh, okay.

Well, I guess we'll never get along until you're hiring me. That's a small type in this community. There's like, there's four more of you. You'll meet them all. Yeah. Edition against them. You're doing a podcast with three guys who were like, like a mother. I took too much cold medicine this morning, mother. And I don't feel comfortable walking to school. Would you give me a podcast with three guys who were like like uh mother i took too much cold medicine this morning mother and i don't feel comfortable walking to school would you give

me a ride please i'm still going to school i'm still going to school my studies are more important than my finger can i take a day off school i'm on two different antibiotics it's rocking me mother my canker sores are acting up again, Mother. And I'm worried I won't be able to answer all the questions in every class like I normally do during the day. My George Saunders reports. I'm going to blow it. Mother. Meanwhile, you're fucking hammered.

You're describing what is happening on another planet. Yeah, this is like Nat Geo for sure. It's like a movie or a film i'm imagining yeah so we're we're drunk before school getting on the bus to go to adventure land and uh we're like having a you know just shenanigans we're like we're so stoked to get there we have to do some physics stuff like we have to do some things where we're like just like notice angles and shit like that you know like we'll talk about centrifugal force at when we're in one of the things like they wanted to and we but it was all sort of like this is a movie for you to watch it'll help you learn biology you know it's all like get the kids make them run around or whatever i remember that happening at like magic mountain around here that but then like but there are things that defy gravity and does adventureland even have anything that would

teach you anything about again the more the more i thought about adventureland on the drive over here the more i was like it really was very similar to the street fair that would like roll through or the strawberry festival was another one that would roll through long island and it would be like the same exact shit. But so we're there. Well, I'll just name the crush Joanne, which is my mom's name, which is weird, but this is also my crush's name.

So I didn't make up my mom's name for her. I could have made any name. I chose her real name. So in case she listens, Carlson's dad, please get her on. You got to send it to her. Not the off-book episode, the one one i'm on don't send her my i never talk about her except on podcast the ride uh so i we get there and she is drunk as well and

she's being a little flirty and we were friends but uh we only later hooked up once in college uh when we were both like adults again it worked out it worked out a little yeah i got a strong ending made out in a pool during a lightning storm so but mother there's a lightning storm i can't swim today yeah so as a strong ending like we're like 18 years old 19 years old or something like that but i was like ready to marry her at that time like just i was i was like oh you're my high school crush i'm now cool in college and you like me just i was i was like oh you were my high school crush i'm now cool in college and you like me oh i learned i was like a drunken hookup for her i felt i felt the opposite for the first time something i had done in college a few times at this point sure i felt the inverse

where i was like so like texting her the next day so that was wild huh she's like i know i really you know like i made a mistake and i was like oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Uh-huh, uh-huh. This is where I'm at as well, making sure you felt weird too. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. I've got a lot going on for me at college. I've got to get back early, actually, the short-form improv team I'm in. We've got a big show every semester.

Hit by the lightning, I think. I think our brains weren't right. Oh, okay. It was very dangerous. I know lightning in I think. I think our brains weren't right. Oh, okay. It was very dangerous. I know lightning in a pool. No, no, no. Making out with you. For my social status?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. But at the time, she's just, we're friends. I'm the funny guy. She has a crush on me. I have a crush on her.

We're riding the Ferris wheel and the Ferris wheel, I uh we and the first wheel i think was like you got in it was like a you can be in like a four person thing and it was like shaped like an apple if i remember and like a circular table in the middle so it was kind of like a cock it was kind of like a cocktail table at a bar like a four top that you sat at and then it just went around and so we we told the guy we had to stop it at the top for a project can you stop us at the top just five minutes so we can get him and the guy's like yeah of course i think it and if i i might be misremembering this

but it might have been like all of long island physics classes would go to this field like i feel like maybe it was like physics day at adventureland or something like that possibly because i remember the guy being like totally but then again he was probably at my age like a year and a half old he's probably a year and a half older than i was then and stoned and was like yeah fuck i don't give a shit no there was no question that yeah totally wasn't going to be the response i don't get paid any less if you sit up there for hours i don't give a fuck so he puts us up there and we're faking like we're measuring we have like a weird astro lab type thing that like we took from that the teacher gave us from the lab to like but really we're sparking a bowl and i don't smoke weed but joanne sparks the ball so she's like

gabriel yeah even then i was called gabriel by everyone i was like uh hell yeah and i just i took a rip of a bowl and i'm drunk and i'm 16 i'm drunk i've been drinking for a few years but i've never smoked pot now i'm maybe arguably cross-faded we and it was so and it was so funny it was like magical and in my head i'm seeing like this is like teen romance oh yeah we're like smoking pot at the top it's gonna be fucking great so then we go to get snacks and we go to the concession stand we're in line at the concession stand we get up there they have chicken nuggets i'm like fuck yeah chicken nuggets and they were like uh do you want barbecue sauce or something probably honey mustard which dip would you like i'd be like i want the nacho cheese from the nachos like

they had like a little peel back nacho cheese and they were like okay and they gave me that and i'm like hell yeah and i'm eating chicken nuggets dipped in nacho cheese lit as fuck giving them the people being like this actually rules and people eating and being like yeah it's kind of like it's hot it's really hot it's kind of warm out here and i'm like yeah it's fucking good huh and they're like yeah it's really greasy and i'm like oh yeah and i'm like yeah it's fucking good huh they're like yeah it's really greasy and i'm like oh yeah and i'm like digging in going ham on these things and then joanne and and friends are like we gotta go on the pirate ship next which the pirate ship i think is a pretty famous ride i think i'm talking to guys swings back yeah swings back and forth and the cool thing is to

be in the last row right because that that hits you the most you get the most uh you get the most perpendicular yeah and i believe if i remember correctly the pirate ship it either had the e had fallen off or it because it was like pi dash rat i remember we would call it the pie rat and be like you want to ride the pie rat and it's like it's got and it's all themed out like a pirate ship but we all refer to it as the pie rat it's like was that for physics day they just took the e off oh shit we gotta take the e down come on boys yeah so we get on sit in the back row and she's sitting next to me and like you know like sit next to the girl you have a crush on your thighs are touching and you're just like it's not sexual at all but it's you're like you feel static electricity you're like oh my god oh my god this is physical contact

of our thighs and we're on the pirate ship and i'm just starting to turn fucking gray i'm like oh my god i'm stoned for the first time i drunk. I'm full of chicken nuggets and nacho cheese and probably a Dr. Pepper or something like that. And I'm like, and I'm like really great. And now I'm a grownup and I like know that feeling where you're like, okay, just sit, breathe. You're a little, like you've gotten a little too fucked up or a little too dizzy or as you get older,

you know, like, okay, just relax, just relax. I'm gonna just get water in a second. I'm good for net like but then you're just like are you okay fine get off the ride and barf in one of those green barrels they like the garbage barrels that they have laying around and I'm just like I am so torn because people are roasting me for throwing up from the kiddie ride that is the pirate ship. But the teachers are around, so I can't be like, I'm fucking hammered, dude. So I have to be like, I think the nacho cheese was bad. People are like, you fucking.

My friends who know I'm drunk are like, you liar. Even the teachers are probably like, you've been staggering and your breath reeks of fucking malt liquor. We're on to you. Well, you should be commended, though, for being considerate enough to make it to the barrel. Yes. Make it to a green barrel. I remember distinctly being like, oh, oh, you know, like. Yeah.

Sort of like, I'm going to demonstrate for you guys. Sort of this. Where you're just like, your cheeks are puffing and you're like. It's coming. Chicken books. You're like, you're pecking. You're puffing and you're like it's coming it's coming like chicken books you're like you're pecking you're pecking starting to come out yeah when you see a three or five year old do it you know what's about to come right it's a 16 year old you're like oh 16 year old backwards quick silver uh visor and frosted tips. Yeah, frosted tips. Oh, yeah. I had bleach blonde hair and or frosted tips from like 98 through 01 or 02. So around this time period, that was just sort of the natural greeting on Long Island.

You were just like a salute, basically. They're like, is he saluting us or is he going to vomit? It's like, welcome to the island, brother. Nassau County, I can tell by the nacho cheese, you know. But that's like my most distinct memory there and it's like a highlight for me and honestly it would maybe not be as fun of a story if i never actually closed the loop and got to make out with joanne like i think i would i think i would look back at that it's like my one chance that i blew because that's how i felt in the moment too i was like it was really cruising for me but again i'm 16 i'm misreading everything like uh-huh you're like friends with

a girl who really does want to date you and you're like that's my friend janet you know you can't tell that she likes you you're in love with a girl who's just like using you for homework and you have no life yeah that's that's i was i was like oh yeah these two girls that like you those are your friends the girl you love you've never spoken to before you've never spoken to and you sent her a note and she said she didn't want to date you what's going on just the fuck so embarrassing if i would have had just a modicum more of bravery or self-awareness you could turn to like a girl back hey we've like hung out every weekend for junior year are we like are you into me am i i think i might be into you and it's like oh shit should we kiss like instead you're like i'm in

love with that girl what she's like five years older smokes cigarettes works at a salon she fucking wants you you're sick you know you drive your mom's minivan when she lets you i had a middle school crush i don't think i've said this on the show who like was i i i thought maybe i was like making my way in there we'd like talk between classes a little bit but she's a little bit uh like not really giving me the time of day but this is going fine but i was around enough that she could tell what was going on. And one time she was like, tie my shoes. And I went, I bent down and did it.

And I tied her shoes. And I was like, now she's, I have just sealed the deal. She was going by prison rules and you were going like, oh, this is the first step in our courtship. And she's like, I got them in my hip pocket. You're walking around class with with one finger in her pocket. Scott's like whistling his way home. I tied a girl's shoes today.

It was like Cinderella. Someday your kid will be like, Dad, the girl of my dreams. I tied her shoes in class. And you're going to be like, son, this is actually a lesson I can give you on love. Don't have many, but let me strap in. She told me she was going to let me kick the football then pulled it away at the last minute

for days. She's done this for days on end. I'm going to try again tomorrow. It's Christmas after all. It's so great when it works because there will be a win. Yeah, and that's going to be a satisfying kick worth the many many trips wow wow yeah incredible that has a happy end that there was that wasn't just like the end for you socially in several regards but i guess but i don't know other people

some people in that group must have also uh thrown up in similar situations positive other people have i mean i would later be too sick to hook up with a girl in college like that like you know it'd be like yeah definitely we're we're lining this up that we're going home together and i just crossed the line that i just crossed the thin red line or whatever wait what's the name of the malik war movie the thin red line red line okay because into my head i was like am i being anti-cop out loud uh adventureland also recently back into my brain and zeitgeist because of good time yeah oh yeah yeah yeah this movie which i fucking loved yeah they like this end of the second actor a big chunk of the uh back half of the movie takes place at adventureland on long island not even name change just it and

you see it on a map and they use the real address it is just fully the place which is strange that they it's cool that they would allow that to come film here and use the name. And like do acid and kills. Terrific. Cause I, yeah, I didn't realize that's where this was shot. And when you brought it up,

like, Oh, that's where like one of the most horrifying things ever was filled. This true psychological nightmare. Yeah. If you haven't seen it, it might be more distressing than all of uncut gems

a very distressing movie but i think the theme park sequence of good time is so unnerving such a nightmare yeah they have to break in there because they left a bag of cash and a like a seven up bottle that is full of your acid or mda or lsd and it's and it's in the haunted house so it's which is like a kind of i mean any haunted house i guess will be a little scary in the wrong circumstances but like that is a grimy neon upsetting jar yeah i was kind of horrified to realize oh it's that place god it's so you feel like you're on acid or so right it's it's it's pretty wild to like the the idea of that chintzy cheesy ass haunted house if you're in the wagon driving through you're like this is absolute bullshit but if the part if it's

just dark and you look in you're like that's the scariest fucking thing i've ever seen like the side view of a haunted house you know you're you're like, Oh, that's too spooky. But when you're in it, you're like, this is cheesy. This is, it's a small world more or less. And then when you,

you just happen to like get back and look back, you're like, actually it's fucking terrifying. Yeah. The break room is scarier. Yeah. It's the, so this is the,

see if you haven't seen the movie where the, like Robert Pattinson and I don't know the other actor, but they break into, they break into the park. Security guard sees them. Barkhad Abdi from Captain Phillips. I'm the captain now. And he tries to find him, take him down.

But they beat him up real bad, a merciless beating, and then steal his clothes and poses the security guard. He no longer has security guard clothes on he now looks like a drifter and they dump all of the lsd they force feed it into his mouth so that when he comes to and the paramedics are there he seems like a crazy person who broke in and he's just babbling and whatever's happening in his brain is enough i just i was like it's so the movie is so stressful yeah it's one of those movies it's not a good time at all it's really there's very funny moments but it's not a good time at all yeah i i loved it was maybe my favorite movie of the year it came out 2017 or whatever but i haven't seen it since

yeah not when you're at dying to revisit i did watch this part of this horrible part for for this and it is it's great uh i got curious why the safties were interested in shooting there if it was part of their upbringing and apparently josh safty uh the adventure land is the first place that he ever saw bloodshed he saw like dumb teenagers get into a really bad fight and blood splattered on the ground jesus wow so he'd never seen just blood hit pavement or anything in his life and it was there so just the trashiness of it oh well hit him simultaneously adventureland was used in i don't know what this is sherry and lolly's diddy doodle work song bunky loo so same place same filming location and i think if you keep reading

i read that same article it explains that in that shinky puts uh pcp all over dipsy do yeah so it's a children's thing kind of a ripoff or an homage we haven't had a chance to talk to the creators yeah so they can shoot other types of scenes there. Be creative. I'm assuming that's also what the scenes from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Succession were like. Yeah, that's a pretty big filming notable aspect of Adventureland 2. It's the first episode of Succession. And I think they've also filmed A Great Adventure. But it's one of the places that has represented the Waystar Royco theme park. Oh, right. Because Cousin Greg is like a mascot from Reefly one of the places that has represented the waystar royco oh right because cousin greg is like a mascot that's where that happens yeah he worked yeah

before he climbs up to be one of the immediately to be one of the six most important people in the company he is super stoned in a mascot costume and throws up out of the mouth of the costume and is fired within kids and yeah that's where kids. Yeah, I remember that. That's where that happens. And steals a child's Hi-Li playset. Oh, shit! Cousin Greg has been fucking me from the jump off. I knew it. He plays a character

in that named Dodrick Dog. That's the... The mascot he is? The dog mascot. And then in another episode, I think Kieran Culkin has to dress up as Dirk Turkey. Dirk Turkey is a, I'm gonna use that name in something. Like John Gabers has Dirk Turkey.

Like that's so strong. They do a very good job, I think in that show of creating, not just, you can really tell, and there's probably a whole episode we could get out of viewing this viewing the succession universe from the theme park perspective but it's so clear that that that awful corporate umbrella owns not a disneyland not a universal studios but a six

flags right this is so clearly with like bargain bin yeah ip and it's weird and dirty and unpleasant it's like they've they've perfectly milking like blood from the stone of you know it's like we're not trying to make a lot of money we're just ripping off like you know get a thousand of these bullshit like sweatshop versions of yes theme parks with constant turnover we never have to pay anyone well no one will ever work at this park yeah no one's gonna ever really love it either but no one's ever good people are still gonna go because it's a fucking you know uh oasis in a dry in a desert sure yeah we will always put them in somewhere kind of boring not a lot to do what else are you gonna do go to they're called bright star parks i believe i think so not

go to bright star what the fuck else are you gonna to do? That's the tagline. What the fuck else are you going to do? Kendall's, I'm sorry, Logan's description, like, just put fuck in the tagline. I don't give a shit. Grow a pair. Yeah, the show, can we get a hold of the succession show Bible, but just the chapters about the different company structures. We don't need the

character background. We just want the corporate structure of Waystar Royco. Yes, yes. I want to read the annual report on the profit margins of their

crappy theme parks. Oh, I can't wait till like, all right guys, spoilers for the upcoming season of Succession, but it looks like they start turning a profit on

the European Bright Star Park. It's like, what? How is that a spoiler are you guys watching the show this is what you're taking from it you're a bright star i can't wait um there's one other good a similar nonsense to what you read jason in terms of things that have filmed there this is in the wikipedia uh that an advertisement for daniel keemstar keem's cotton candy g fuel flavor filmed at adventureland yeah keemstar of course one of the a streamer video game streamer

who just him now has like millions of followers on social media and everything he's one of those dudes who's become just like an advertised like he's like an advertising they become like advertising companies what agency that's the word i'm looking for advertising they just become advertising agencies where it's like products come to me i make an ad for it whether that ad is just me going i love blank or you know here's my cotton candy g fuel but then just on his own accounts just post the most insane thought that comes into his head. We'll just tweet it out. Oh, yeah. I think I saw him getting roasted for some, you know, like a lot of these guys like to wade in on like gender conversations.

Current events. Yeah. Current events. Their geopolitical view is not the most forward thinking. I have good opinions and I don't put them out there. Learn from me keem uh you you you said something about uh the safty brothers uh josh seeing blood shed there for the first time and i thought this would also be sort of antithetical to your theme park experience but like street fairs adventureland and the strawberry festival which was like a a

kind of street fair that came through one weekend uh in the summer street the other the belmore street fair came in one weekend during the uh you know it jumped around for every weekend around long island but we would go to fight like it would be like you would go like the kids from wanton high school are going to be there or you know like another high school was going to be there and you know one one of your friends had beef with one kid from calhoun or whatever and it was just like all right and then you would have like an 11 on 11 scrum or a fight i've been in like a handful of fistfights that were the backdrop was the fucking zipper whoa wait it's late well it's like the it's a setting in like a street fighter type yeah do you go to these places because like and it'll look cool in the background it does start setting in like a street fighter type. Yeah. Do you go to these places? Cause like, and it'll look cool in the background.

It does start to feel like outsiders or a West side story. When you think about it, it's like we're heading to the street fair. Gonna be a rumble. Yes. Wait, did you say 11 on 11? Yeah.

It would be like, you know, it would never, it would always either be one-on-one between two kids that got bad and everyone joined in, or it would be a sort of a big scuffle and arguably maybe no one really wanted to fight you know what i mean it was like kind of like well we just got to get together and it was like uh rams butting horns you know

where it's like it's mostly for practice really it felt like just a instead a thing to do instead of jerking off you know Just to get aggression out. It's like, let's just go wrestle kids from another school. The first year you can go to the street fair or strawberry festival without your parents is the first year you throw a punch at a stranger. It's a Long Island rite of passage.

You gotta go with your mom until you're like 12 or 13. Then once you're 12 or 13, you go with your friends. Then you start fucking whipping the fucking, you know, shooting the guy with the water pistol

instead of the clown's mouth. You just start to become a fucking feral park employee. The closest thing I have to that is going to a different set of kids Backyard Wrestling Federation. And challenging them? Yeah, like a different,

yeah, a different fake, like fake fighting with different people. Where you don't really know the rules you don't like so explicitly you know the boundaries kind yeah yeah i don't know there might be wild cards there yeah i did uh i did some backyard wrestling and oh really yeah i was a character named aquarius okay i came out to dawning of the age of aquarius heel or face uh i was sort of a val venus like a fat val venus like i was like sexy i was i would do it in like an aqua colored speedo that i had and i was like a fat little kid like you know fat high school kid scott val venus was a porn star gimmick oh i see in case okay who had in a

very uh uh problematic scene had his penis chopped off in like 1998, but then they didn't reference it the next week. He seemed to be fine. I couldn't believe that they had a character named Val Venus and his thing was his schlong. Yeah. Yikes. Wow. And don't look up Val Venus' Twitter for good opinions either.

I'll tell you that. Oh, is he a 50-year-old wrestler? So he's either dead or bad thoughts. Was at January 6th, potentially on the table. I think everybody, all the backyard wrestlers from high school who now have podcasts, it's time to bring the personas back. You mean to wrestle again, yeah. And we want to bring the, because who were you?

Did you have a, or were you just you? I was Fat Carlson, i was fat carlson phat and i thought i was caught i was like a heel i was cocky like i was cool but i was not cool and my promo ability was very poor i i don't see it you believe it or not believe it or not i can't believe that the confident the confident heel persona of a 16 year old me maybe not up there yet uh but yeah uh i came i came i i developed some better personas when i was doing ucbw uh on uh in new york ucb yeah we used to do like a a running content charlie todd used to run like a running continuity wrestling league that would wrestle on the break in cage match. But you would do a promo before, wrestle on the break,

and then whoever, because he would have like a running storyline, and then quarterly pay-per-views at midnight, Saturday at midnight, would be UCBW only show. It would be like eight cards or whatever. It'd be so long and dumb. Who is this four

no real athletes doing it there was like five people who had any physical strength i did a few of these out here but they never got it going like it was in new york i think it ran for like five years yeah yeah and new york was hardcore time yeah yeah if i was yeah in new york and younger that would have been right yeah now I would not be excited to do that. Although my buddy who does news in Wisconsin, local news in Wisconsin, just had a match at a big show for a celebrity thing. And I'm very jealous and upset. He got to come in as a celebrity because he's a news celebrity?

Yes. And he got the pin. He beat Kevin Thorne. He pinned Kevin Thorne, ex-WWE guy, and teamed with Austin and Colton Gunn, Billy Gunn from the New Age Outlaws Sons. Oh, sick. And I'm like so jealous. Oh, that's awesome. With rage, I'm jealous.

I mean, I know it's its own art form and people take it super seriously, but it's something I've always thought about. Like, I would enjoy this. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I could fall back on being a 48 year old wrestler every three weeks looking for an excuse to kill my wife and kid every every uh i i know where there's a wrestling ring 10 minutes from here

right now and every like a couple weeks of my buddy and i were just like we could still train do some falls and shit we could still do it power plant i don't want to put you on the spot but i would kind of be curious about a if you could bring the energy of a 16 year old fat carlson and do any sort of challenge i don't know the lingo but if you were gonna like yeah against what was your name again? Aquarius. Oh, so you want to channel my 16-year-old self how I would have delivered a heel promo to Aquarius. I like this. Okay.

I would be like, Aquarius, what you thought you did last week, that was out of line. And I'm here to tell you that you should come out here and fight me now because I'm going to kick your ass. Like this is the level.

Mine would be like, you got it, Aquarius. And for the record, I'm not gay. Because if I'm like 14 or 15, I'm pretty making sure everyone knows I'm not gay. Period. Accurate. It's 94. It's 1994. Maybe WWE is right to have writers There's still a chance

I think maybe when I'm like 60 I'll stop having the fantasy That it's possible I think that's fair I'd do some mouth of the south stuff I would do a little management Like a little sneak the chair in If I have to or whatever.

Mitch and Weiger on Doughboys had Excalibur, who does color commentary for, or he does play-by-play for AEW, and Mitch tried to get it. He goes, you know, what about the Doughboys in AEW? And Excalibur went, in what capacity? That's a great question. And you're mentioning Excalibur now, and I'm aware who he is solely because of you. You got me turned on to PWG, which refreshed my love of wrestling

because it had been out since WCW and WO on Nintendo 64. Sure. It came back hard for fucking PWG. Yeah, it's the greatest. Am I making up, did anybody stumble upon the fact that Adventureland is in a video game? It's in The King of Fighters 97.

Wow. The SNK game. I stopped myself from going down the rabbit hole because SNK was the company that did the modular arcade cabinets. So the arcade cabinets that would have four different games that you could pick from. Not Neo Geo, but SNK. No, SNK made the Neo Geo geo system i think is i stopped myself from watching

like hours long youtube videos about like the corporate structure of snk but yeah uh adventureland is a stage in king of fighters that's crazy wow wow that's awesome i didn't even know that is i didn't even know that. Jeez. I didn't even know that. I say, like, I'm an expert on adventure. I didn't even know that, and I grew up near it. That's the real answer. I was very fucked up there several times. If King of Fighters had, like, a creative character, you could recreate your brawls from the old days.

Oh, shit. That would be wild. Put myself in a fucking... I mean, the funny thing is that I dressed exactly the same in high school, like, shorts and Hawaiian shirts and, like, dumb hats. I'm like, oh, I'm 40 and exactly the same in high school, like shorts and Hawaiian shirts and dumb hats. I'm like, oh, I'm 40 and dressed the same way. Yeah. Sure.

Okay, I want to bring up a specific attraction thing. I want to make sure I hit it because, like, Gabrus, you were saying how there's not that thing that's, like, old and special, but there's something that might be a little close and that was restored based off of audience demand do you have any memory of a a haunted tree a talking tree outside of her there's been several i i don't know what what the scary ride was when they shot good time but at some point in time it was called 1313 cemetery way oh. Oh, shit. That's awesome. There was a scary tree outside of it. I remember, like, and I might be wrong, but, like, it's a face on the side of the trunk,

like, built into the tree. I remember that image, and, like, its mouth moved or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that image. I'm going to play a video. This is going to sound pretty terrible, but you need to get the tone of the guy of the tree. It's like, because it's pretty demonic. It's pretty from hell.

And there's also, this is a back and forth between a scary tree, who is, I don't know if you can see it. There's probably a lot of glare. It is a very disturbing tree, I feel. And then an owl in its branches. And let me play this. Wow. That what was just said was, I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

What's wrong with a little fun in the dark, Adventureland? And I forget the other exchange. My idea of fun is not being chased by a man with a chainsaw. Is what the owl says. And then the tree says something about how he doesn't like chainsaws either. I had a close shave with one. And this video is only 46 seconds, and I think that's the entire spiel. And it seems like this plays with that level of speaker tinniness all day, every day.

I got the sense that if you worked there, this spiel drove you absolutely out of your mind. Yeah, you would carve it on the wall of your padded room someday. You'd carve that phrase in there. You'd carve it off like Barkhatov. That is a time where the distortion and the click clacking add to the fear.

Add to the chaos. That's, by the way, better than anything in a Six Flags. Yeah, you're right. In terms of immersion, character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have to agree with that. That's, by the way, better than anything in a Six Flags. Yeah, you're right. Much better. In terms of immersion character. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have to agree with that. That's actually cool.

And I want to, this is something, we talked about getting to this this Halloween season, but just since we're talking about a scary tree, I want to call this out. We talked about this a while back. Oh. This Halloween, this Hauntcast the Fright season, I would like to do an episode about scary trees. There's a lot of scary trees out there not of all of them are supposed to be scary i'm a little scared of the rainforest cafe tree yeah

i'm scared of the uh what's the toy store is it fao schwartz um there's tree there were trees in the mcdonald land universe apple pie oh yeah i don't like any of these and i would like to figure it out and see if other people are freaked out by tree faces as I am there's a bosomy tree in the movie The Last Unicorn that's kind of scary you know what I'm talking about you hear me you hear what I'm saying

weirdly enough if it had bosoms in it before 1994 I remembered it you would have posted that tree in your wall in college on Action Boys we uh classic action movies from 70s 80s and 90s and i'll throw a movie well you know the movie of the week will be whatever i'll put it on and be like i've watched so many movies on tnt or hbo over the years as a kid i'm like oh i think i've and especially like a chuck norris movie they all kind of blend together

so you're like i don't know if i've but then every once in a while you're like have i seen this movie before an example was like we were watching the howling and i was like i don't think i've ever seen this movie feels familiar and then there's a scene where like a woman takes her shirt off by a campfire i'm like oh yeah i've seen this i have this in my head of course this is still there because i watched this at the most sexual developing time of my life. Yeah, I humiliated a roommate in college because a girl came in and I don't know what I guess I was being a real asshole because she goes, what's this movie Fair Game? And I go, oh, yeah, he's got that because Cindy Crawford is topless for like two seconds

in it. Like, I know exactly what the movie Fair game is and i just sold this guy out although she should be like you know that too you asshole did you know that that the book that that movie's an adaptation of is also adapted into the movie cobra with sylvester stallone no nowhere near the same plot or anything wow one book that's two different ways wow wow weird that's crazy wow i think i have all those specifics right did you know that cindy crawford's husband randy gerber uh owns the casamigos tequila and there was a story where george cluny uh gave everybody all the investors in the company a million dollars in briefcases and so now you're all whole this

is a story that has come up on the podcast 29 times. A lot of times. I love the Clooney giving. He gave like a million dollars to nine of his friends. Randy didn't do that. Randy Gerber, Cindy Crawford's husband, didn't do that. That was George. That was George, and he paid the taxes for everyone.

The love with which you say that, Jason. I do think that's the root of it. This this is your dream, that this happens to you. Jason wants me to give him a million dollar briefcase so bad. This has been as soon as he met me. Any person he's ever made friends with,

he's dreaming of them handing him a briefcase full of free money. Well, relieve yourself of dreaming of me doing that. I'm not a real money person. I'm definitely not a briefcase person for sure definitely an old duffel bag and you have to pay taxes on whatever's inside yeah you gotta pay taxes on my 1099s i'm fucked yeah i'm in over my head sharon you gotta help me patreon does not help you out on that at all. No. Not at all. No guidance whatsoever. No Cloonies are they.

Is George Clooney weirdly immune to the Hollywood criticism of even the elite liberals? He's sort of so magnanimous and backs up his acting talent move and he's not very out there doing a lot of shit either so he i think he like threads a very good needle yeah with these store well these are like it's a good pr story too because you hear and jason is just like imagining it i reiterate uh george clooney pr stories sometimes too here's one that i've heard that i read a new story yeah yeah could be we have some people here with computers maybe fact check me after the fact but i had heard that he uses his he does those nespresso ads to take that money and use it directly to hire drone surveillance of like a

war criminal somewhere i've heard this too yeah Yeah. Okay, good, good. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. This is a good story, but it doesn't involve Randy Gerber. Yeah, I know. And it's kind of whack, and that's Cindy Crawford's husband.

Yeah. Cindy Crawford, who shows like the side of her nipple for a split second in fair game in the train. Of course, I remember all of this. I was wondering, because you didn't say immediately you knew what I was talking about,

but I knew you knew. I knew you knew. Right before Howie Long comes in. Oh, yeah. It's Broken Arrow. Oh, okay. That's where the screen comes from. I know that.

There's that crazy yell he does. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's a crazy yell. It's like. Oh, in Broken Arrow. Yeah, yeah. That is how. That's Howie Long from that movie.

Is that like the Wilhelm scream? It's similar. The Long scream. We may have talked about this before. I was looking for it and trying to figure it out. Is that the Wilhelm scream? It's similar. The long scream. We may have talked about this before. I was looking for it and trying to figure it out. Is that the Wilhelm scream? And I came upon the Google results on the website, not the Wilhelm scream.com.

Everybody has to clarify that. No, no, no. It's the Urog, which you'll hear in a lot of like haunted house, Six Flag Fright Fest kind of ads. One of those screens is present in Adventureland, the current haunted house from like a few years ago new in the last couple years uh the mystery mansion okay uh is is mostly animatronics popping out and screaming at you there's not a lot of story but it is a suspended

haunted house where the track is above you uh you can see the cars here with the mascot for adventureland alfie adventureland. I love the original character. It went with the fucking superhero look. Yes. It's like, we got to get kids in here. It's got to be superheroes. He does have like a weird 50s. He has like a pompadour.

Pompadour. Again, an official symbol of Long Island. Our superheroes use hair gel here, of course. He looks like a clip art, a piece of clip art here. He really does. It's not a ton. He looks like you colored him in on a menu at a non-chain restaurant.

Yes, he does. Do we love Alfie? Do we love him in spite of the way he's drawn? Do we love him? I like the fact that he's kind of like original. Even though he's just a blank-ass superhero, I do like original IP at theme park, which they have with the tree.

I mean, this is a small theme park to have two pieces of original IP. That's true. I looked up the food options at this park, too, and there's a food court called Three Generations Food Court. There is a restaurant that is just labeled Restaurant, which is very funny, and then there's a place called tony's tavern uh which is

just a stand and gabriel's i don't want to i mean i don't want to speak ill of this place tony's tavern either is the most carded place in long island or the least carded place in long island but they're drinking their options are beer uh white claw or uh spiked arnold palmer dude holy shit that's so funny. I, didn't a guy named Tony buy it? Because I remember when it got bought in like the late 90s or some point in the 2000s, a dude named Tony bought Adventureland.

The Berk, in general? Yeah, or like one of the investors was named, something, because I remember roasting like the idea of like, of course a guy named Tony owns Adventureland. I would believe it. I mean, it's changed hands like a few times now but it's still like owned locally i think i am you guys have inspired me and maybe i'll do we can do a follow-up episode or i could do some like correspondent shit when i go back east eventually when it's safe to travel again i have two nephews now uh that are like

six and three they're not old old enough enough but like it would be a good cover to get to go to adventureland oh yeah oh yeah i can take you like hey uncle john's gonna take you to adventureland let's go let's go check it out he's like hold this uh boom mic for uncle john while he's got it to cut are you familiar podcast the ride Ride? No? Okay, hold on. Let me explain. Adventureland is this little wall of big postcards from other amusement parks around the country, and that's pretty cool. It's almost like the park road of postcards. Really? I just saw that real quick in a YouTube video.

That's really funny. I think another ride I remember being cool was bumper boats. Okay. And I don't know if that's a bit. I haven't seen that in a lot of like, because I guess most of my rides growing up were for traveling things. And I guess bumper boats travel not as well as Gravitron or whatever. Sure.

But I remember bumper boats being really cool and kind of scary to get in and out of. Like, you know, it was kind of like, all right, drive it up over here by the wall. And like a teen is going to pull you out or whatever. You know, it's kind of like you stand and it's like wobbly and the water is like that fucking Lisa Simpson, like itching in the water.

Yeah. I'll say on the current map of Adventureland, they are labeled rescue boats. So you know what you're getting in for. Oh my God. Wait, hold on. I think I also remember the boats maybe possibly had water guns on them.

Oh. Like that you could like, you had like operated like a 50 cal kind of. Yeah, I've seen those. You could shoot water off of it at other people if I remember correctly. Yeah. Like other boats,

but off the ride even. That's really cool. Yeah. That's more satisfying than like bumping boats. Yeah. Because boats are slow. Yeah. They can't get that much speed.

And I was always oversized, you know, for my age. So like I was always in the slowest thing. My bumper boat was always like water was coming over the side and shit. Like everything was just always like an extra difficult thing for me of like oh well i can't get the bar let's push the bar down you know like uh anything else you remember in the ride department i feel like i don't know a lot of the specific rides yeah i remember pirate i remember the sort of like uh richard scary uh apple ferris wheel type thing okay i remember um games like games was big because like that felt like when you were the age that rides felt corny when they weren't

like scary rides right now i can have nostalgia for being like and i'm assuming you guys understand i think i'm talking the right place here go ahead yeah now i can go on a ride that's cheesy and bad and love it because it's not a fucking Marvel movie or whatever. You know what I mean? And just be like, this is so crazy. Someone built this with their hands. This is great.

This has been around for 50 years. But like when I was a kid, I was like the second it wasn't scary anymore, it was like whack. And then, but games was like gambling in a way. You know what I mean? And that like, that was fun of like, what can we come home come home with like what can we leave with felt like a big thing like i remember the shift in like i'm not my money is for games not for ride tickets like i remember at one point where it was like and maybe it was sort of like aging up a little when wanting to seem cool you know like not

wanting to be like cheering on a ride because there were other 15, 16 year olds around or something. I remember distinctly a shift to like the games are really what I do. You know, like I try,

I play the hoop game. They're all kind of sports actually. You know, I'm not like. That's like when, yeah, that's like when you're like 11 at Chuck E. Cheese

and you're like, I don't do the little like ride you go on anymore. I'm just playing ski ball because I'm coming home with something. I'm taking that toaster oven home. I just need 2,200 tickets'm taking that toaster oven home i just need 2200 tickets to get the toaster i just need 1100 for my mom to get that many tickets yeah yes dad i know that if i wanted a yo-yo you could just buy it

for way cheaper than the amount of quarters you gave me here at this nathan's but just shut the fuck up and give me the money so distinct that memory of like jesus christ jod that i'll just buy you a fucking toy i didn't earn it with play on the games front did you ever go to a place uh it looks like it's seven uh minutes down the road a place called fun zone yes okay yeah fun zone had laser tag if i remember yeah so fun zone ruled i fun zone was like a birthday party destined kids would have their birthday parties there in my town i had i wish i can remember the name of it fuck it'll come to me um but we in my in my town we had a one of those rented for three hours for a birthday party and it has 10 arcade games in it you know like and it was like the cheaper version because it was like

the townie version it wasn't fun zone a with tm and commercials it was yeah i went to like 10 arcade cabinets in like a conference room and they served pizza and cake there and it was the best because a free arcade at the time, even though you had console at home, a free arcade just still felt like, it felt like free arcade is to a teen as open bar is to a 20-something. Oh, yeah, that's perfect.

It felt like where it's just like, oh, even when you're in your 20s, you're like, I don't want to drink at all today. I feel like shit, but I'm not going to have to pay for drinks at this party. So I'm going to get absolutely blasted or whatever. Oh, it's a wrap party for the job I'm a PA for? Hell yeah.

Open bar? I'm going to fucking scream in the executive producer's face. A great equalizer, the wrap party when you're a PA. It's like we all eat the same reheated catering bullshit food right now. I'll tell you what, it's very funny you say that because the wrap party is a great equalizer, especially when I was first coming up

because I was a PA who was, in his early 20s, super confident, cocky, annoying, class clown energy. And so I was kind of, and a party animal, and i had been drinking for 10 years even though i'm only 20 only 22 at this point so the nerds who are like segment producers and writers on these shows i'm working on i'm like at the rap party i'm like you fucking bitch

let's do another shot of soco lime you know it's like i'm. I'm like the alpha. At the MTV Networks party, which was like the big annual party that you had to, and they were such scumbags about everything at Viacom, but surprise, you had to work 40 weeks or 46 weeks out of the year or something crazy like that as a freelancer to be invited to the holiday party. They checked your minimum. checked your how much you worked because you know someone might get a 20-week gig and then a

10-week gig in the same year and then they don't get invited to the uh so it it was a huge deal was at the hammerstein ballroom everyone is there from like like sway is there sumner redstone is there you know what i mean like so even the pas from best week ever are there you know which is what i was so wow so yeah that's uh weirdly enough uh paul sheer was my level two uh improv teacher and i was transcribing his take on the bachelor wow yes probably the first thing of the first thing i ever saw him on yeah yeah yeah uh i think you're right yeah that must be because and all all now people who are like my peers were people like donna and danielle uh yeah like um hubel uh wriggle like all these people that i would eventually work with

where i was transcribing all their jokes uh but hammerstein ballroom huge fucking party everyone's there my supervising producer at best week ever a dude who had written on bill maher before he came to best week ever so he had a wga job when everyone else was sort of non-union pseudo writer segment producer jobs and so he came in and was such an alpha asshole and he was kind of like the right hand man to the uh whole ep of um best week ever whose name was fred graver he was quite a dick to me so i'm i'm not gonna let the right hand guy the right hand guy i've since worked with and we've gotten our uh over it but he we we were at the party and no one liked me on the production not like the comedy like because i was and i think it was in hindsight and this is such maybe a rewriting of history

i was funnier than the people who did the comedy for best week not the panelists but the writers and segment producers would be like would be like this actually this is a really funny joke i gotta get so and so to really funny joke i gotta get so and so to say this joke i'm like let the fucking person just say whatever they want shut up it's doug benson shut the fuck up you know so they wrote the interstitial like the setups yeah they would write the setups but then they would also just can you do one where you say something and they would try to like pitch a joke they were proud that they wrote it was bad and i think they hated me because i was like confident and funny but i was supposed to be the lowest man on the totem pole yeah long story

short this guy the right hand guy he fucking at the holiday party we're all in a big circle everyone from best week ever all the behind the scenes people someone bumps into him he turns around thinks it's me walks up to me and i don't know this is happening he comes up to me he's like gabrus and i'm like what up man and he takes my pants and pours a cup of like ice like or whatever's left of his like jack and coke into my pants and i just look at him and i grab him by his collar raise my fist punch him once in the head and go to punch him again and like everyone like all my co our co-workers like grab me and pull me off of him he's like what what the fuck man what the fuck man you can't just swing on people i'm like yeah that's what i do

if someone does this to me and i'm like so worked up and i realized again like we discussed several times in this podcast that's when i realized i was different than the other like i was raised differently than everyone else who's like i've been working in tv production for four years and i'm like i'm 23 ready to fist fight anyone who challenges my alpha dome from the mean streets of adventure land i was trained in adventure land my man. My, my Sifu is an old tree, but I fucking, but the Hammerstein ballroom thing was always just the biggest bash of the year. Like, and you, and your executive producer who was like a 40 year old woman who was beautiful and like, now I know would be a friend of mine, like a beautiful, interesting woman who's very into music.

And she's like married with a kid, but now she's like, take your fucking shirt off at the party. Everyone is just like, it's flipped where you're like, this place rules. Because it's like, if you're 40 and still working at Viacom, you have a certain,

it has that comedy energy to it. That is a legendary ECW venue, the Hammerstein Ballroom. Oh, shit. Insane bloodsh Hammerstein Ballroom. Oh, shit. Insane bloodshed was spilled there. Oh, fuck. There's something about it. Taz, Rob Van Dyke.

There were crazy shit went down in that place. A friend of mine got thrown out for jumping off the balcony at the party. It's like 20 feet in the air. He just jumped onto the ground. Onto what? Landed on the ground. That's what smashed. It was so loud.

That's what New Jack did. Yeah, that's the only reason Ied on the ground. That's what... It was so loud. That's what New Jack did. Yeah, that's the only reason I know about the Hammerstein. I was like, well, that seems like normal behavior for the Hammerstein ballroom. Dudes jumped off

that balcony all the time. It's a huge balcony. How? I think that's awesome he threw a punch in the Hammerstein ballroom. Yeah, wow. And hallowed halls

for Chris. Yeah, that's awesome. I'm so impressed. Oh, my God. My forefathers before me. Yeah, that's awesome. That's what took place. I'm so impressed. Oh, my God. My forefathers before me. Yeah. Jeez, jeez. Before we wrap it up, people have other stuff.

I got one thing real quick, and I think this might be new because it looks new, but one of my favorite of the attractions is just called Sports Tower. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, that's what it's in. And it's just, excuse me, it's just, I'm getting the Wi-Fi here. So it just looks like this and it goes up and down. It's just a bunch of, it's every type of sports ball. Oh, so you're just like in a ball that goes up and down.

Yeah, it's like, so like, it's like you, it's like the, what you sit in is half of the ball and then a giant ball is above you. So you're a soccer ball above you and then half a soccer ball you sit in. So it's kind of like a hot air balloon. Exactly. And it's like, yeah, Sports Tower is what it's called. That's awesome. That's like where you get banished to as punishment.

Send him to Sports Tower. Force him to play baseball. No. Film it. Show his family. I'm afraid of the ball. Show his worst uncle, him at bat. I tried pitching one in second grade,

and the coach pulled me out after one inning. It ruined me. It did. It ruined me. Along the lines of Sports Tower, I want to ask you guys something. Do you guys have like a feverish, because I love, there's a million rides and a million parks that are just

they go up and down or they swing back and forth or they spin but i love the little flair that each one gets of like the sports tower there's probably one where it's dumbo elephants it's probably one where it's parachutes where and i love the example i always use that i my version of that that i love is slot machine branding because i'm a big yeah yeah vegas and casino guy so for me when i go i love finding like arctic wolf you know and it's just like the wolf ones are crazy yeah yes it's like you know it's like montezuma's belief and it's like a pharaoh and like money behind you i don't know what any of this means so many pharaohdom of the gem. Yeah, exactly.

I just, as a fantasy head, a lot of them are fantasy adjacent too. Like you said, wisdom of the gem or like unicorns dreams, you know? And I like, is there, do you guys have that with like some of these, as you see theme parks? It's like every theme park has the thing that shoots water and you fill a clown's mouth,

but they, you know, express it. What is the mild other spin that they put on it? But you feel a clown's mouth, but they express it. What is the mild other spin that they put on it? But you feel a pharaoh's mouth with water. I love that where it's like, this is the same game as that, but people are choosing this because it's called Majestic Buffalo or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God. Because all these rides are like, this is a cheap like this is what they call off the shelf ride, which is like a basic ride any place can buy. But just the fact that there's ball sports balls which would you call them right sports ball sports balls like that makes it so much better yeah yeah yeah weird lazy theme oh man i i mean this is from the higher budget end but one that comes to mind is how there's like a there there's a ride that just is like scary scary spins you up and down, wow, you're way up here,

now you're way down here and you're facing the ground. It's like whipping you around on a big pole and the vehicle itself spins. And it was in a Paramount park. So it used to have official branding and it was called Tomb Raider The Ride, but then they lost the Paramount branding

and they just had to call it The Crypt. So it all got limited. There was a bunch of those, like the Italian job italian job the ride became stunt coaster and now it's just like like how can we still make it feel like without having to like change a bunch yeah the real ip the laziness of the crypt i like i really enjoy that's like perfect i like it's like lenny croft the tomb divider you know i really like we were talking about uh dumbo the flying elephant recently and how many carnivals and amusement parks just have an elephant ride uh my favorite one i didn't don't think we had time to get to this on the show, but they're at the Lion County Safari Park in Loxahatchee, Florida.

So, like, in Florida, same state as Dumbo, they have Bullwaggie's flying adventure. Bullwaggie was an elephant that was born at this safari park, and it is very clearly, they barely... It's a cartoon elephant. It's not a real elephant. It's not a recreation of bullwaggy over there, but it's just the Dumbo ride.

It's just like a less busy Dumbo ride. And eventually bullwaggy, uh, moved to a number of zoos. And was it Disney's animal kingdom for a little while? I didn't realize elephants moved around so much. It's disheartening, man.

Did they sign bullwaggy? Huh? They like signed the elephant. Well, I think it's disheartening man did they sign bulwagi huh they like signed the elephant well i think it's either for they move for medical treatment or to make more elephants oh he went on a fucking cum run to disney gotta go drop a few loads off boys classic well the other elephants are like cheering for him as he's like a guy who's getting released from prison classic it's like alcatraz they're clanging peanuts against their give it to me now i can't wait i'm inseminating right this second

magic um yeah the dumbo ride is a good one because you'll just see that like variations of that everywhere it's like a dragon that has like big ears and like along the trunk and you're like you're just painting an elephant green and are trying to call this a dragon ride aren't you and Disney's not going to sue them because

it's like well most people are going to walk by that and call it like Dumbo anyway so it's just going to sue them because it's like, well, most people are going to walk by that and call it like Dumbo anyway. So it's just free marketing for them. Keeping Dumbo out of the conversation. And like Hatchitachi, Florida is not stealing Disney World's thunder at all, I don't think. Okay, let me get to this before we wind it down. I just, this is something I should do more often with Parks is look at Yelp reviews.

This, the Yelp review situation, I mean, there's a lot of complaints about just, I have to pay for the wristband myself even though

just the kids are going to go on the rides. Something I guess to watch out for with the nephews. But you know what you're getting into. I'm like a huge stink.

I look forward to embarrassing my nephews. I am going to drunkenly argue with the nephews uh uh but you know what you're getting i'll make a huge stink i look forward to embarrassing my nephews i am drunkenly argue with the guy about you i'm not paying extra for nacho cheese just give it to me for a ticket to enter this place that's weird man private establishment um but the ticket and the bracelet caused this other melee that is is one of the funnier things i've seen on yelp in a while let me try to condense this uh the best i can basically this person uh one mega paragraph so many paragraphs one star review they're so angry um and it starts with complaining that if sometimes you have to wait in a long line to even get the bracelet in to get into the park. And there are no bathrooms on the outside of the park.

So you have to pay before you get to use a bathroom. And if you've done a long drive, if you've come in from the city, you've got a lot of pee loaded up, what are you going to do? Well, you're going to be really weird and write a weird Yelp review about it. Yeah, you're going to go piss in the Target. Well, that'd be better than where they landed so uh all right uh you know many people need to use the bathroom but they won't let you in unless you pay uh the management need portals for their customer portals it's just the human thing to do the staff told us to pee in the parking lot because we do not have a bracelet we ended up

peeing uh while a family and their kids walked around us. What? There must have been a way to not be peeing next to the children straight onto the pavement. Does this guy know what plumbing hookups cost nowadays? Hey, come on, buddy. Give me a portal.

Oh, no, I'm in Earth Prime. I hope there's toilets here. Yeah, but what'd you wish for, pal? And then this leap. Imagine if we end up getting in a video. I guess it's free advertisement for Adventureland. How humiliating for me and especially my wife. Reviews go on.

The staff actually said to pee in the parking lot. Then he keeps saying shame, but he says Shane with an N instead Multiple times Urinating in the parking lot is illegal and disgusting And then again he brings And these reviews are months apart by the way So he's fixated on this specific idea We hope nobody took a video of us

When their staff wouldn't let us use the restroom After traveling for hours If anyone ended up taking a video of us urinating, especially with my wife in that position, we are taking legal action against it. Holy shit. How does his wife piss? That's a good question.

That's how she's comfortable. Who's taking video? This sounds like someone took a video or he did and she's mad about it. And he's like, I think it was someone else at the park. I got to get to the bottom of it. Now, remembering where I was, I couldn't have been filming you. There's a car antenna in the way. I think some weirdo put this straight onto Pornhub.

Tits out wife adventure land. Piss vid. So this was interesting. and then i kept going let me keep looking at one stars and then i landed at uh first of all when me and my husband got to the park we needed to use the restroom very badly there was a long line into the park and they said we couldn't go in without a wristband i'm like oh my god this keeps happening people keep not getting to pee until they get into the park as as i went on i went wait a minute the first review was jeff d the next review is andy they're both from jamaica i think it's a urinator um it's i just started and both accounts involve somebody like somebody named bob a manager saying after their third time at city hall

all right fine what if I offer you dinner? And their response is, it's too late for dinner. I'm not hungry now. Like, that poor Bob is trying to do something for him. Oh, man. I'm full. So then, but her account adds another thing to the story. What did he want us to do?

Go in the parking lot? He shrugged his shoulders and suggested that that's what we do we ran to a section behind a car where both my husband and i squatted to go pee he squatted too yeah the husband also squatted who made you squat the manager didn't say you had to squat yeah it's also funny that the manager is like they the other guys like they told us to pee in the lot then her recollection is like what do you want us to do pee in the lot and he's like okay like he's just like saying okay and the husband's like that guy bob's a sick fuck i got a video of my wife bob wants me to go squat and pee in front of all the children in front of the

prying eyes of as many children as possible that's what bob's look conveyed to me i gotta say though i don't have an assumption of me being able to go to a bath unless it's like a restaurant where my table's not ready you know what i mean like that like if i'm waiting out in line outside at a bar like to get you know like in college or a club that's a long line i wouldn't expect to be able to cut the entire line to urinate and then get back in line. That's never been allowed anywhere. It's unfortunate. It sucks.

You have to kind of plan for that. It's like, I'm going to run across the street to the Carvel and get an ice cream cone and pee in there. There's a Target, a Starbucks, and a gas station along this same track. You would have, like, going into a theme park and trying to pee is the same as if you were, like, going to, like, if there was only a bathroom

past security and an airport. Right, right, right. It would be like, what? It's going to be like, you know, a nine-minute walk. I mean, at Adventureland, nine minutes takes you from one end to the other. But, like, at another theme park, you'd have to, like, walk all the way to the bathroom

and then, like, be escorted back out in line or you'd have to cut the line and buy a bracelet because you're pretending you have to urinate. There's no special treatment. The people in the line are going to be mad at you. There's humiliation either way. Yeah, it's Long Island. Just piss your pants, piss in the parking lot.

No one's going to give a fuck. Is this like a piss scam? Bob's got a fucking OnlyFans. He's like, oh, it's Bob's? Oh,'s like oh it's bob's you guys want a dinner i'm flossing with cash over here if you're in long island go to adventureland do not go to bob land very fucked up they have the uh sprite bottle full of pcp though at bob land really really quick there's a little more to the story of him i was curious what their They have the Sprite bottle full of PCP, though, at Bobland. Really, really quick.

There's a little more to the story of them. I was curious what their other reviews are like. And it's a ton of similarly unhinged one-star reviews of, like, they seem to, like, go to buffets in the New York area and get upset about different things. Like, it's COVID. The people, the customers in line weren't using masks or gloves i'm like hang on we've been in this for nearly two years i have never seen gloves as a suggestion in any establishment also your gloves you're taking your fucking life into your

hands going into a buffet during the pandemic i'm not judging you for doing it but you can't go in there and be like this is not covid safe like that's not how it works unfortunately definition i don't think it was safe before really right um uh but my favorite review that we that i that i landed at was a a poor review for a music tutor um and the winding path that this takes where it starts with music related concerns such as she rarely taught me any arias down to then through a lot of obscure music complaints. She doesn't know how to teach the harmony, but then it gets into out of nowhere. She doesn't know how to drive so many times she had me drive her around for free places like a wedding that we weren't invited to where she made me and my husband sing without practice what i'm confused i was snuck in there andy or whatever your name is and m holy shit

i i get complaining that your music teachers roped you into driving, but I didn't know she roped you into driving her to a gig. Playing with her. That sounds good. That sounds like a dream come true. Yeah, that might be fun. And a good like rip the bandaid off situation.

Look, you know, pressure's on, perform. Imagine you book a singer for your wedding and she comes with like two students who are seethingly mad and are begging to use your bathroom and being like, why the fuck would you let me piss in your wedding. She comes with like two students who are seethingly mad and are begging to use your bathroom and being like, why the fuck would you let me piss

in your wedding? Do you have triple A? My check engine light came on. Stop looking at my wife while she squats in the fucking parking lot, you sickos. You perverts.

She wants to squat and be in positions of peace. Like me. This is how I piss. I tuck my dick between my legs so the tip touches the concrete in my deepest squat. And I just let it out so there's no splash.

What? The Arknest Yelp account. Let love lift us up. Where are we? They all start singing. After railing about the lack of bathrooms at the wedding. We need portals. This wedding has no portals.

The Arkn this Yelp account has taken is more interesting than a number of short stories I have read by others like George Saunders stories they are pretty good Civil War Land in Decline

and Bad Decline and that's a theme park based it's about a Civil War theme park falling apart yeah oh wow great great story um one more thing really quick please no don't the other complaint the other complaint i think during these uh forced somehow without a gun in play drive to a wedding and make you perform at a perform at the wedding uh on these drives she talks about things like her boyfriend and their sex life and once she talked about how she likes the Beast And Rolf because they are hairy

Like the men she likes What's Rolf? Rolf the dog Is he just Hank McCoy? Yeah I think so Or Beauty and the Beast Or is it X-Men Beast? Is it Ron Perlman Beast?

Could be Kelsey Grammer Beast? Is it Nicholas-Men Beast? I don't know. Is it Ron Perlman Beast? Could be. Yeah, is it Kelsey Grammer Beast? Is it Nicholas Holt Beast? I mean, all of our dreams are Kelsey Grammer Beast. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, drive me around, perform at this wedding, squat in the bathroom, and listen to how I want to fuck Rolf the dog.

So we're still waiting on the Succession Show Bible, but you have found the Requiem for a Dream Show Bible. Juice by Sarah, juice by Sarah. It's really funny because I thought she was going to be like, she makes me pick her up and drop her off, which is kind of annoying as hiring a music teacher or whatever. And I'm thinking piano or guitar guitar and i'm thinking it's for her kids right yeah these are adults who want to be operatic type singers now imagine you and

your wife taking opera lessons together at your house and then you have to like all right let's both drivers of the wedding it's like wait what is this? If I'm her husband, I'd be like, look, please, you've embarrassed me in front of Bob at Adventureland. Take this woman by yourself to the fucking theme park. Look, Gabrus, you got out of Long Island your way. She's trying to get out her own way. And all the UCB is fucking closed in Manhattan. So that's off the table.

Yes, Andy, is it enough anymore, brother? I got to sing arias with my husband unprepared at weddings. Anyway, this is one of the best pieces of literature. I know. Holy shit. Please send a link. I'm thrilled with this. Which, for that, I really have to thank you for bringing

Adventureland, the wonderful world of Adventureland, an episode full of punching of of punching and peeing and blood splashing and fighting uh uh just like my child you painted a picture of your life john gabriel's you survived podcast the ride what a blast oh my god so much fun let's exit through the gift shop is there anything you'd like to plug yes i got a podcast called high and mighty and i also have a podcast called action boys which is a patreon podcast but we got some free episodes out there so wherever you're listening to this just search

for it and get a sniff get hooked and then every monday night at 11 eastern 8 pacific i'm talking movies live on spotify green room and you can talk to me as well. It's complicated and an app that's kind of difficult to figure out, but I'm enjoying doing it and I'd love to see some more people there. That sounds fun. It's not easy to find, but once you do, hopefully

we'll never hear this blog. Hey, it's still less horrific than whatever Clubhouse is. Right, right. It's the same exact thing. I see. All right. Hey, and as for us, you can find us on the socials at Podcast The Ride.

Merch is available in our Tee Public Store. And for three bonus episodes every month, check out Podcast The Ride, the second gate at patreon.com slash podcasttheride. I can't promise that other episodes are as violent as this. I promise that they are not. I think you brought, I'm not sure. Maybe nobody but Mundy has talked about fighting on the show. This is generally the pool of the guests.

Yeah, talk about a guy you see at a lot of auditions. Oh, boy. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. See ya. See ya. Bye. Forever Dog.

This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Mike Carlson, Jason Sheridan, Scott Gairdner, Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.