Podcast: The Ride - The Holy Land Experience

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

We take a look at Orlando's Biblical theme park and tax dodge. And its many weirdo owners.  Listen to Podcast: The Ride Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus: http://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus Fabio Goose Incident episode up at The Second Gate: Patreon.com/PodcastTheRide FOLLOW PODCAST: THE RIDE: https://twitter.com/PodcastTheRide https://www.instagram.com/podcasttheride BUY PODCAST: THE RIDE MERCH: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/podcast-the-ride PODCAST THE RIDE IS A FOREVER DOG PODCAST https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/podcast-the-ride Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Forever. Dog. Warning. The following podcast is not meant to offend any religious listeners, but we're certainly okay if it offends any crooked televangelists. If you are sensitive to goth satans, chickens rising from the dead, or manger-themed mini-golf, do not proceed into the Holy Land experience on Podcast the Rye. A very solemn Good Friday to you all.

Welcome to podcast The Reverent Ride. I'm somber Scott Gairdner, joined by mournful Mike Carlson. Hello. I'm Michael. Thank you for joining us, Michael, and also a quite joyless Jason Sheridan. Forgive us, Father, for we know not what we do. We know not what we do, I suppose. We know not what those people thousands of years ago did to Jesus our Lord. It is Good Friday, if you're listening to this on the day that it is released. And I'm being especially sad in keeping with my parents' wishes as I grew up. As I may have

mentioned long ago on the show, they always told me that I needed to be very sad on Good Friday, because that's the day that Jesus died, particularly peak sadness from noon to three, because those were the hours that the events of the passion took place. So while we do owe a theme park podcast today, it's going to be as mournful as I had to be as a child. Scott, can I ask a question? Since I am not I was not raised nearly as religiously was it western time was it pacific time 1 to 3 or were you just it was that sort of a symbolic

it was sort of a symbolic time were you on Jerusalem time were you on Judea the Judea time zone I don't know I mean yes that's a very good point and and i i was not raised in the kind of uh religious way where i think that jesus lived in utah so it was not it was not mountain time um i think it's you know it's a very good point you have you have to switch

it to new year's rules i think where it's you know midnight happened you know it to New Year's rules, I think, where it's midnight. It's New Year's one time zone at a time, and Jesus suffered one time zone at a time. Right. I'm not trying to be a wiseacre here or anything. I was just asking questions. I'm just asking questions like I often do on the show. I'll be the wiseacre, as usual. So I was raised Presbyterian, but like a very chill kind of Protestantism. There's branches of Presbyterianism that deal a lot with Calvinism,

which says when you're born, it's already pre-decided that you are good or bad. And we didn't really get into any of that. It was more like church on the simpsons or whatever where they just went every sunday and our pastors were usually pretty chill and would go to great lengths to try to fit topical thing like not scary topical news stuff but like you know i was at the mall this weekend and i i saw kids having a good time together and it reminded me of the apostles you know like that kind of shit they were always talking about how they were at the ball it wasn't like genie at california adventure when he would be like well i was watching snooki on the television

and she reminded me i you know i think every now and then they'd be like you know i'm i'm no yeah i'm no snooki like you know a little bit a little bit he was around when you were a kid whoever snooki was when you were a child i yeah like tanya harding lorena bobbitt yeah was it lorraine yeah i was watching Lorena Bobbitt on the television the other night and I I feel like even that would have been like too bawdy my main memories of church was was a lot of nice older people who occasionally will get very frustrated by like can you believe who's a deacon now like you know that sort of like inner inner inner personal politics sort of like inner inner interpersonal politics sort of of stuff but um i don't think i ever had the big rebellion against like the big like a lot of people our age i feel like you know bought a

richard dawkins or who was the other who was the other shithead the one who died hitchens christopher hitchens yeah we'd get the like i never went in for that garbage well don't don't forget that today's uh topic uh that there was a scene filmed at the holy land experience in orlando at in a bill mars documentary religious i did forget that i also i actually also forgot that But once you said a scene filmed I knew exactly how that sentence Was gonna end Um

Bill Maher meets Jesus? I mean that's your trailer right there That's highly absurd I have not seen Bill Maher's Religious I haven't either I mean he's a scumbag too That was my thinking in not rewatching it for this episode. As much as I wanted to experience all Holy Land experience media, I didn't watch the

Bill Maher clip because I don't hate myself. Yeah. Yeah, fair. I the only thing we really did on Good Friday was just not eat meat and not the whole month just good friday um that that sticks out in my mind and the other thing that sticks out you know because you said like yeah this is somber it's good friday i was very concerned yes were we being sacrilegious in this episode but then the freaks who multiple freaks have owned this theme park um this might be the most sacrilegious thing i've ever seen this establishment it kind of the entire thing

is yeah what jesus would have torn down you know everybody's selling their wares in the church uh you know that way if he if he got into that big rage fit, tearing apart the, you know, the merchandise stands or whatever that was, yeah, he'd go apeshit at the Holy Land experience. Owners who I believe would often say that Jesus wants you to be rich. I believe that was the sentiment. Probably still is. What you're talking about, Michael, is called the prosperity gospel. And this is a big thing with televangelists.

Right, yes. You know what? Let's establish, again, yes, we're talking about the Holy Land experience in Orlando. The now pretty much defunct Holy Land experience, because they fired everyone back in february they fired everyone before it became trendy to fire everyone what with the covet 19 and all but even before several months before yeah they had pretty much like shut down operations and the people they fired were all the people in the shows and i think their bread and butter are the shows because if you've never been to this place or don't know anything about this place there's no rides there's no 3d movies there you

know it's it's it's shows it's passion plays and stuff so you get rid of the actors and you got nothing yeah so that means they would have had to fire multiple jesus's and i feel like they wouldn't have been excited to turn the other cheek when they were getting fired. Because I know, I mean, there's a circuit. There's a circuit, there's a scene in, like, people make careers working in the parks in Florida, and, like, I'm sure plenty of people who worked here were just, you know, actors,

were just professional actors. I think so, I know so. so i even there was a um a vice article that i looked at about this place that made mention of um that one of the primary jesus's um that they used there had transferred he was originally led to orlando to be an actor and worked for several years as gaston at MGM Studios. Wow. Yeah, somebody moved from Gaston to Jesus, and sometimes in a shortage of actors would for the day play Satan.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, same actors. I'm not going to say OMG with G-O-D. I'm going to say gosh today, by the way. That's a declaration. Oh, got it. That's good. I appreciate that for Good Oh, got it. That's good. I appreciate that for Good Friday, I guess. Just for today.

I was going to say, with the people playing Jesus, is it all fake beards? Do we know this? The picture I saw in the, I think it was the Tampa Bay Times, looked like a pretty real beard. Like he had grown the long hair and grown the beard. I could be wrong, but it looks pretty good. Yeah, you have to really commit to that.

Carrick, you can't jump around playing Jesus and then go over into the Disney parks. I don't know who, is there a bearded character even they would allow you to play? Well, Flynn Rider from Tangled kind of has that like 2000s chin strap kind of yeah but that's not that's not jesus jesus no that's not jesus no who's the most christ-like disney character that's a good point does anybody look yeah do we have long hair and facial hair on anybody

i mean i'm trying to think like christ-like uh looks wise huh that's a good question i mean because we're not talking personality wise it's obviously mickey mouse right i was gonna say scrooge mcduck it's the most christ-like yes because he has a lot of money and obviously he helps everyone with his money i'm assuming yeah but i mean it's more likely a camel's got to get through the eye of the needle then scrooge is gonna you know all right good point uh wait i have some i have some thoughts i googled disney character beard and besides just a strange trend of people putting beards on characters like jasmine and um um ariel Ariel the characters with beards we got Triton we okay we got actually oh and somebody did a photoshop of Triton without a beard and he looks exactly like Jay Leno

whoa really yeah the chin they filled in for him is yeah just look up see this look up Disney character beard you'll see it um so leno s kill sir a little a little bill clinton too maybe you know maybe even a little more bill clinton but big gray eyebrows um yeah maybe maybe more leno body wise i think leno's in better shape than clinton and uh and obviously uh triton is is is ripped as we've oh yeah he does you're right yeah yeah uh yeah doesn't he yeah so now you know yeah you shave that beard off a triton and he's jay leno and on the ride though of course we've talked about this he's jacked and he looks like young and handsome on that ride and

this little mermaid ride i can't help but stop and stare at that uh pack, 12 pack. It's a big pack. It's at least six, if not eight. Who else with beards? Zeus? I don't think we got a Zeus walk around in the parks anywhere. No. Yeah. Does Mufasa technically have a beard?

I guess it gets complicated when you get into the animal kingdom. Yeah, but that's not going to work. You're not going to be able to apply a human beard to a mufasa walk around that was very odd and thank god by the way that it's just plush looking characters that they haven't like put on that i'm so glad that we we don't have zoobly zoos walking around the disney parks like cats level a bunch of fur taped to people's faces i don't want any human animals i don't want those at disney parks but i do want them somewhere and i don't know where maybe it's halloween horror nights maybe there's a zoo bully zoo halloween horror night maze i mean that honestly now that

i say it is a great idea well cats universal the oh good point maze at halloween horror nights would be oh my gosh wow oh i said oh my gosh oh my gosh it'd be huge yeah wow that's such a good idea and like ghostbusters ghostbusters is like you know it's got scary elements but mostly a comedy and they did a maze last year if there's ever uh if there's ever a halloweenights again, if there's a theme park open, cats should definitely be on the list for those mazes. Jeez. Yeah. That's Instagram City. I mean, everybody just embracing the the the maze or the set or

whatever with unwanted prints of cats or uh just you know the the decaying sets because nobody uh nobody wants to touch them again they're all cursed items oh yeah wow that would be the hit that would be the hit honestly yeah yeah they gotta do it love that yeah yeah um all right we're just giving that out for free yeah do your cats maze embrace the embrace the fright um and a maze so i don't think it's they'd have to buy the rights to this but a maze with original sonic just do oh yeah sonic with the teeth with the teeth oh yeah yeah they should just give a lot of i mean there should just be a maze with like a random assortment of cartoon characters with those teeth like whatever yeah that's the thing i've seen online where people do that face app where they put the teeth on the disney characters

the human teeth what's the group what's the what's the name of the group that owns the all the comic strips on toon lagoon. Oh, is that King features? King's features. King features syndicate. Yeah. King features syndicate maze, but all with human teeth. So like Beatle Bailey, but then with like actual human teeth and that's in the maze.

Cause they have, they obviously have a deal with universal. Does he not have teeth? You're just saying with like realistic teeth yeah realistic teeth and heathcliff with realistic teeth uh who else i mean there's a lot marmaduke with real human teeth um yeah i just googled beetle bailey teeth just kind of without thinking while you were talking and there's there's a lot of results he's like dealt there's there's dental work comes up frequently

in Beetle Bailey. Does he have those rounded teeth? Am I wrong? No, they have just kind of like dumb like squares and only like three of them, you know? Oh, okay. I got it. Well, he'll have human teeth soon enough. Is Beetle Bailey the chubbier one? Who is Beetle

Bailey? No, no, he's skinnier. No, he's skinny. The chef is the chubby one that's who i'm looking at with a green chef's hat yeah okay beetle was beetle bailey was he a ripoff of gomer pile or was he based or was gomer pile based on him you know it's hard to tell you know everyone had funny stories from the war days. So you think it was all just based on funny war stories. Got it. They were both derived from the same source.

I think so. Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll do that on the Jim Neighbors slash Beetle Bailey episode. And by the way, who you referred to as the chef, we're talking about Sergeant Snorkel. What did you mean, chef? Isn't he a chef? He's got a hat that's kind of like a chef's hat.

Oh, that's what I'm thinking. But Beetle Bailey is constant, like he's always being punished by peeling potatoes. I think I just conflated the two. Yeah. I don't know where Sergeant Snorkel works on the base or whatever. So it could be. Yeah, not sure. Well, again, a thing that we'll get to because we have nothing but time.

Sergeant Snorkel is actually, he ends up getting killed by Vincent D'Onofrio. Full metal jacket. Full metal jacket. Full metal jacket. They went very realistic with the blood, just for that one. Just for that one, Beetle Bailey. And he did have human teeth in that one, too. Is that how they identified him? Oh, God.

Oh, dear. Oh, my gosh. This is getting upsetting. We better switch it back to let's let's go back to a holy place to the to the Holy Land. As we said, it's you know, it's Easter weekend right now. It'll be Easter very soon. And I I thought it'd be fun to cover a religious park. There's a couple of those. I wasn't sure which was which. You know, at some point, I'd love to get to the Jim Baker park that still sits abandoned wherever that is. I'd love to do that one. But this one felt relevant because all year it's been teetering on. Is this going to is this going to stay open or not? It feels relevant to me personally, too, because I don't think I knew it existed. But when we all went to orlando a couple months ago we passed by it a few times because it's it's pretty close to universal studios you're definitely seeing it off the side of the road if you're going to universal or to the orlando airport

yeah yeah and there's like apartments and stuff close but there's a target across the street from this place like it's right in the mix yeah the problem is we really like you need like three weeks in orlando that's the the issue it's like we were i was there for like we were there for like five days you gotta hit all the big stuff but you need an extra week for stuff like this and honestly as theme park journalists we should have gone there we who knew suggested it but i think our our like um swing day we kind of used to find our street in margarita village yes for sure no regrets there no of course not and of course like who knows how long that'll be there so we needed to get there then

yeah oh yeah how are they doing and good virus world yeah i mean it might be fine because there's empty it's empty so yeah i've boy it's eerie i've been people have been sending me those helicopter shots of you seeing margaritaville orlando and nobody's walking around construction has just stopped so off-putting man people are staying inside there's no sign that anyone actually lives there so weird there's nobody in bonkers there's no line waiting to get into bonkers there's nobody i think they i hate to say it i think they may have ended the influencer program at uh island h2o live we might not get to sponsor an influencer, and it's entirely because of the virus

and certainly would not have just happened in a week anyway. Yeah, what if they get a big amount of bailout money from the government that allows them to continue? Because they blame everything on the virus, but in reality... Michael, it's funny you say that because the Holy Land website does have a banner at the top saying like due to corona we're gonna be closed from march 10th to april 14th

um and i can't help but think that's a not accurate i mean obviously it's too soon to reopen but also like i feel like after you fire everyone you can't really put up warnings like that right um well i mean what does that really mean that means that they can't open and like you can't go to the restaurants or the gift shop really is there a restaurant there is a restaurant right there's four restaurants yeah okay i four, yeah. Okay, I see them now. Yeah. And, I mean, I think they would probably reopen the, is it, I believe it's called the Church of All Nations.

It's got a very unsettling cross logo. Koan. Koan, Church of All Nations. It looks real, like,'s still well okay and one of the restaurants is related to that and it's next to it then so it's called co-an bistro but we'll get to the restaurants later we'll get to the restaurant because there is a really good one oh good good okay okay um i think maybe we owe just a really uh cliff notes explanation of what this place is i don't even feel qualified to do it exactly i mean there's when you look at it from the side of the road a lot of it is very

gaudy and palatial but if you actually go into this themed experience they sometimes kind of called a theme park but as i said there's no rides i don't know how accurate that is but a lot of it is recreating uh the you know the old the old bible world or what city are we talking jerusalem uh i uh i forget what year i did have it, but it's Judea. Okay, I see. Uh-huh. Yeah, because they have... I was just going to say they... It says...

There's a thing that says on the... I'm looking at the map now, and one of the exhibits or whatever you would call it, Jerusalem Model AD66, but I don't know if that's the whole... I don't think that's actually representative of the entire land. No, that's like whole i don't think that's actually representative of the entire land no that's like a tabletop model that's just a model of jerusalem a uh ad66 oh i i have it it is it recreates the

architecture and themes of the ancient city of jerusalem in first century judea um yes which one of the articles i read pointed out how how that requires people to be the theme requires all the employees who used to be there to like, you know, wear a lot of, you know, very intense, thick, old fashioned headwear. Like everybody's head his head wrapped up a bunch of times just sweating bullets. So fun place to work. Yeah, I'll say this. I don't think the costumes are convenient for the actors, but the costuming is very good. I mean, there's a lot of great seamstresses down in orlando's you know uh people who make costumes and all so that makes sense to me that they went all out on the costuming

yes that's all that's all pretty strong uh um there's maybe some some uh squabbling you could do about uh satan's wardrobe but we'll we'll get to that in a little bit. But so, yeah, I don't know. You go there for a couple hours. I think probably a lot of church groups would go, a lot of school groups would go, and it's partially you're recreating what life was like in the first century. And then there's a couple of big show venues. There's a giant indoor one that I think also doubles as a place where they can tape praise the Lord because this place is owned by the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

But, you know, we'll cover the history there, but also like an outdoor amphitheater. So it's a lot of live entertainment. And then something called the Scriptorium, which is a collection of biblical related artifacts. Yeah, I have a lot of questions about the Scriptorium. Where did you get a hold of these, gang? And how did you get a hold of these? Because like what country?

What country are these all from? Because I don't think they're native to central Florida. Like, you know, Indiana Jones saying stuff belongs in a museum. I think we've come around now a little more towards, like, as the years go on people people are a little more going like most of the stuff in the british museum should be returned to the countries they it was founded well they didn't okay so it looks like it this was a pre-existing collection uh by robert von kampen uh that was around says been around since 1986 so they like they bought a collection moved it from minnesota sounds like hey uh where jesus may have been if he was if jesus was uh if all the jesus stuff happened in utah he might have made it up to minnesota at some point so yeah a private

collection i mean that feels a little better than like hobby lobby pillaging uh you know artifacts in iraq sounds better sounds better so so for me who is you know was not so raised religious religiously uh this is kind of like a doc ondars situation where there are relics from the past from the history of the land and that's sort of what i'm dealing with here i think so yeah yeah i didn't look too carefully at what's in the scriptorium to be honest i see sorry fans if there was an ig88 style robot or anything in there i don't i don't believe so there are robots around i think there is a robot in the scriptorium. But again, I'll say I want to just do the overview first. Got it.

Got it. Got it. Sorry. There's one one robot. I'll explain. But I just as we're getting out like headlines and bullet points about it, I think I think a big thing to say, like we said, it's unlike the you know, it's it's really near universal. It's definitely designed to attract people who are there for for, you know, for the tourists to to train if you're there for a little longer and you're doing your off the beaten path

stuff your gator lands and if you're a religious person this is a a good place to go and because of just the way it's designed and that it is a religious place um it this is a a non-profit tax-free theme park it somehow qualifies it's sometimes described as a theme park. It somehow qualifies. It's sometimes described as a theme park, but also is nonprofit and does not pay taxes. How do they get away with it? Because they have one free day every year. Just one. And the lines are out the fucking door. Sorry, I'm swearing.

Oh, yeah. I it's yeah, it gets really crazy on the free day um and besides the free day it is 50 50 which they don't pay any taxes on i mean which they don't pay any taxes on yeah when it first opened it was 1750 pretty cheap wow yeah they jacked it up to 50 oh my god i guess in the tbn era uh you're getting that that you know you're paying a tbn premium i was gonna say like you know i was gonna start to compare i initially when i saw that i was gonna be like oh that's crazy and then like you know there's i have some maybe opinions on tax exempt status for certain institutions that get a ton of money and

where does that money go anyway that being said there's a lot of stuff disneyland doesn't pay taxes on in anaheim true like you mean our church yes they have those it's all good go for it they have the city of anaheim build that parking structure and they pay like a dollar to like, I think I forget what it is. Like Disney owns it. Right. But they had Anaheim buy like pay for it.

And then Disney collects all the money they make from the parking structure, I believe. Yeah. Something like that. Something like that. Anyway, I'm not saying I'm not saying Holy Land is off the hook for something like this. I'm just saying, oh, wait a minute. Yeah, that's all a minute. I, yeah,

that's all a bummer, I guess. Uh, but I still, I found it very moving when the white smoke was released from, uh, from Cinderella's castle to anoint Bob Chapek and say goodbye to, uh,

uh, Pope Bob Iger, the third. It's a good, yes, we all, well, we were all,

we were all outside. We were waiting with bated breath. We all cried. We all cried and then wiped our faces with towels and saw Christ's face in each towel. We were wearing our religious garments, which were retro Epcot shirts. Basically the same thing. I said Christ. I meant Triton.

We all saw Triton's face in our towels. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Shroud uh triton we all saw triton's face in our house oh yeah yeah the shroud of triton yes easy to confuse um of course yeah really very strange uh place this place and that they're able to to operate it that way um it's it's been around since when when did it get uh when did it get built was, when did it get built? Was it the nineties sometime? Uh, 2001. Oh,

not till 2001. Okay. Okay. Property purchased in 89 and nothing was there until 2001. Nothing was there till 2001. And it was, it was opened by a man named Marvin Rosenthal, who was the founder of a group called Zion's hope, which,

uh, the LA times says strives to convert jewish people to christianity this was a fun flashback you know you haven't heard about the jews for jesus a lot in the 20 in the 2000s you know is a uh but the jewish defense league was not wild about this guy and this organization and this theme park when it opened the same article uh marvin marvin rosenthal was quoted as saying otherwise are we targeting jewish people with any kind of exclusivity the answer is absolutely no nor do we believe that we are in the conversion business said rosenthal but for the first visitors to the park followers

of rosenthal for years the exact opposite to the park followers of rosenthal for years the exact opposite is true there are people coming to christ through this ministry said d locklear who added that jews are the primary target yes that's mainly what he's trying to do is to try to reach the jewish people so kind of a weird way to open a theme park a theme park meant for jewish people to go to and hopefully by the end of the day they have seen the jewish people's role in biblical events and gone well there's so many jews in all these stories maybe i should just be around also yes i'm a christian now yeah do you think there's one person that was converted from this i i heard a story of the exact opposite of someone who had gone to israel and had been very moved

uh at the wailing wall a very holy site where people pray and the replica wailing wall uh was so shitty at the Holy Land, they were very upset. That's, you know, not to jump around too much, but yes, there's a replica whaling wall at this place where you... And it looks like shit. I know we say there's no bad fake rocks, but it looks like shit. I know we say there's no bad fake rocks, but it looks like shit. So the Wailing Wall would not have made it to the Final Four last year. No. Even now that we know about this place, no, I don't think it's in there.

And I would not nominate the rock that moves out of the way so Lazarus can come out of his tomb. I'm not putting that one in there either. Yeah, there's a fake Wailing Wall, but you, like the real Wailing Wall, you write prayers onto pieces of paper and slip them into the cracks, and then the Holy Land Experience gathers all of the prayer slips and sends them to Jerusalem

where volunteers insert them into the real Western Wall. Insane! You can't inter-office envelope prayers to the whaling. What the hell? It should be like a bank pneumatic tube that takes it from Orlando to the actual whaling wall. It may as well be. So that means, like, people, they got to send,

somebody from Orlando once a month has to fly to Jerusalem with a huge bag of slips. Like you see people, you know, it's a very emotional experience for them. And they're writing their note and praying for their loved one. And then some guy walks up with several huge garbage bags. Make way out of the way. Letters to Santa Claus. Here's my question, though.

Do we have any proof that these actually make it? No. No. No way. These things get dumped right in the trash. Let's be honest. Yeah. Straight in the lake behind the Holy Land Experience.

Into the marsh of Orlando. The people who run this place seem like the type that they wouldn't pay for dumpsters. They would just wait until Target closed and then Jimmy Thur's open. the people who run this place seem like the type that they wouldn't pay for dumpsters they would just wait until target closed and then jimmy there's open like i nothing seems above board about this place i the other the other thing to consider i i don't think there is there a replica of the temple mount in this park which is is adjacent to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. And it is a holy site for Christians, Jews, and Muslims. But I have to imagine this park,

if it mentions it, does not do a good job about talking about the other valid, you know, the other important world religions, you know? That would be a good guess, I would venture, but I don't have a confirmation of that. Yeah, probably not so concerned with representation, I wouldn't imagine. I also say I don't know the exact borders

of where the Wailing Wall falls. So when I said that person went to, wall falls so when i said that person went to i guess i should have said that person went to jerusalem i i please do not yell at me if i got the borders wrong we might be getting things wrong left and right keep in mind this is not a journalism uh podcast yes i i do not know what good tides j Kushner has done this week for the borders of Israel and Palestine. Has he, has he fixed it yet? We might be,

it's we're recording this a couple, like a week or so out. So if, forgive us if it's out of date and Jared fix the middle East. Yeah. He's fixing Corona. He's that's his new project. He can do both though.

He's a Wunderkind. Sure. Yeah, for sure. for sure um i so uh marvin rosenthal runs it for a while and i i don't know a lot about what was happening then or what how which which of the structures and attractions were there then but in 2007 this place was taken over by TBN, the Trinity Broadcast Network, which I don't know how exactly anybody's watching TBN today because I don't have cable anymore. For me, in my head, a cable mainstay, maybe not even cable. You might have even you might have gotten it at one point, just like a regular channel. But I definitely recall this just being so ubiquitous on tv not that my parents were watching it or anything it's you know was it's not a catholic station and even they raised me in sort of a way like yeah these people are kind of quacks or anything so i i i

wasn't super raised with this but i yeah i i do remember tbn on so aggressively, though. I believe you can stream it on the internet now for free. Oh, for sure, yeah. And then it's on. It is still carried by a lot of cable providers. And yeah, believe me, if you go to the website, you'll be able to find all sorts of information about where to watch TBN. Well, and I'm pretty sure...

If you have cable in the low 20s high teens you'll probably come across a grip of televangelist i think so yes um and i could be wrong not to get on this tear again but i i believe tbn is the home of my favorite talk show huckabee i'm pretty sure that's where huckabee emanates yeah uh let me double i think so is that oan is that one america news could be could be hold on let me see huckabee is listed as a personality for tbn they list such uh they have like the big pastors like rick warren or joel austin uh the grams billy and franklin graham billy graham you might remember from telling richard nixon to bomb the dykes in north korea uh which would have

potentially resulted in a million dead um and the destruction of a country's economy oh but yeah that that kind of came but billy graham complicated man also bailed martin luther king out of jail once. Billy Graham was very, like, they called him the people's pastor. My grandmother loved him. He was very, very media savvy. But a weird guy. Franklin Graham is in charge of a medical group, one of the medical groups that has set up the field hospital in central park for corona okay and they are for making doctors sign uh religious declarations that they believe

homosexuality is a sin what are you talking about really yeah oh no um uh this what is that that organization is also has zion in the name um sorry i got a bunch of links about the graham family open volunteers have to agree that transgender people don't exist same-sex marriage is a sin and gay people should be celibate or risk damnation and eternal punishment no no no no no excuse me samaritan's purse an evangelical christian group uh that he is in charge of it's one of the people uh i believe in new york hospital one of the groups mainly running that but this group is also involved in that field hospital dear god you want to change the topic right now and make the rest of this episode about like creamsicles or something yes please this is terrible um dear god now hold on you don't think tbn which once had a host say get jesus on that credit card you don't think that's cool. Well, I think TBN is very cool. And I actually have a personal story to tell about TBN and its flagship show, Praise the Lord, which is able to be taped at the Holy Land Experience.

So the in the night, when was this? This was, you know, the late 90s. My family hung out in Newport Beach a lot in Orange County. And whenever we were driving down there on the 405, very near the mall South Coast Plaza, and probably about 20 minutes south of Disneyland, we would, on the 405, see this really crazy, gaudy palace on the side of the road. And if anyone listening is from Orange County, you definitely know this as the headquarters of TBN. Really bizarre to look at.

It looks, yeah, they do a good job with Christmas lights if you're driving down there at night during the Christmas season. But we always pass by this and like, oh, weird. What is that? Oh, it's TBN. And it's like, if you look at photos of its offices, it's just an office building in a TV studio that has the like gross Trump idea of opulence. Everywhere you can jam a painting. There's big, crazy thrones in the bathroom and, you know, cherubs pissing and fountains everywhere. It's so crazy. And I always wanted to go. And I'd watch TBN and watch kind of like the kookier televangelists, you know, people will be talking about in relation to the Holy Land experience.

And sometimes you'd see like, oh, you know, Praise the Lord tapings are free. And sometimes there are celebrity guests. And I'm like, oh, my God, I got to go to a praise the Lord taping. And it just seemed like, oh, this could be a fun in between activity for me and my mom, who is a very religious person, but also knows like televangelists are kind of silly and we can go laugh at it a little, but also it'll be a religious thing. And so let's be respectful and let's dress nice. And then me who we already was like this kitsch Meister in middle school. So I called and like, we got to go. And I, I remember like nice old lady answers the phone and all the next taping is

on Tuesday. Okay. Sounds good. And do you know if there'll be any guests at that taping? And she said, why, yes. That episode will have Tia and Tamara Mowry and Hammer. What? I thought it was going to be some fake-ass celebrities.

Hammer? I get to go for free to a palace and see Hammer? So I am psyched. This was so fun to do. I i mean the thing itself was exceedingly boring uh uh but i got hammer's autograph i mean wow incredible is what i like i like we lean he was on one side of a little you know like marble gate or whatever and i couldn't got his autograph so that was all really exciting uh um i discovered our friend ryan perez also at some point went to a praise the lord taping and we

had the we're talking about this we had the same memory of how no one was there so they had to scrunch all the audience members you know it's it's a insane theater meant for 200 people and they have to jam the 30 who were there into like one little space to make it look like it's full um so i was i was fondly recalling all this and realized like wait a minute i've never attempted to find that episode of praise the lord and especially to see if it ever cuts to me in the audience and i did some searching and I found the episode. The full two hours is uploaded to YouTube. And it is from July 14th, 1999.

You can look it up yourself. You can watch Hammer. Hammer does not perform. He just talks. But you do get a lot of performances by someone named Clifton Davis. And I didn't know who that was. I'm just like watching, you know, seven songs worth of and this is boring. But then I discovered the guy who was hosting that episode wrote the Jackson fives never can say goodbye.

It's a guy named Clifton Davis, who's the star of the show. Amen. So I was a little more like, oh, my God, I got to see that guy perform guy perform that's weird so i scoured the entire two hours and uh i was mostly disappointed and it would cut to the audience and like i could tell i could see my mom but not me there'd be a pillar just right in front of me um but i did find a single shot and if you guys check your text messages and I'll post this on Twitter too. I found the one shot in the two hours where you can see me. So we'll, we'll, we'll throw that up on, on Twitter.

You get a little bit of a Clifton Davis hitting the last note. And then, oh, I hear you. I hear you guys playing it. Great. Oh yeah. I see.

Oh, yep. Yep. There we are. Hallelujah. My mom, I feel like, is in shoulder pad city. She's dressed to the nines. Unbelievable.

Yeah, yeah. I'm very excited to find that. I've been saving that until we talked about some religious stuff. So, yeah. Hey, I'm a praise the Lord supporter. I know all about it. You t about it you tithe the 10 percent hey if they if they put hammer in front of me i'll uh i'll tithe wherever they need um i wish he did can't touch this though oh yeah of course or pray the prince sampling uh

oh yeah yeah religious i guess that would have been more appropriate. Or if they, or, I mean, the ultimate would have been some, you know, religious themed scrub of his dirty gangster era song Pumps in a Bump. I don't know what, I don't know what religious rhymes, you know, hosts and a cup, maybe. Like communion wafers and wine.

Hosts and a cup. I want the priest with the hosts and a cup. Seats in the pews. Get on your feet. Seats in the pews. Seats in the pews. Seats. Oh, seats. Yes, that's right yeah um they were i think any religious

listeners appreciate our use of seats rather than dirtier words for uh yes for a yeah yeah absolutely so anyway that's my praise that's great i think they still list hammer under their like secular personality hammer mike huckabee and of course kirk cameron wait they call them secular well like the i'm i am describing the list as like here they the wikipedia had the list of pastors and then the list of like more personality kind of hosts i see gotcha so they're still i guess just because they aren't like they aren't ordained yeah although is hammer i feel like hammer's a minister right yeah maybe i mean they they actually all three of them might be ordained for all i know but i feel like her camera is goes pretty far um okay so i started to say a little earlier, the whole thing about TBN, which they claim this isn't their main thing, but it's kind of their main thing, is what's known as the prosperity gospel.

Again, this is a different LA Times article. The prosperity gospel is rooted in the idea that God wants Christians to prosper and that believers have the right to ask him for financial gifts. TBN has woven this notion into its round-the-clock programming as well as thousands of fundraising letters it mails every day. So that's why you see people saying things like, put Jesus on the credit card, or if you're broke, that's all the more reason to send us money because God will pay you back tenfold. Oh, right.

No. I don't think that's the best idea. I don't begrudge anyone their faith, but yeah, no, this stuff sucks. This is bad. Don't do this. It does. I kind of like that in this case because of this park that people's donations led directly to uh you know an animatronic of an old theologian or to a uh or to a laser show

um i mean i guess that's not good but you know usually donations are boring things yeah but you know yeah your donations i hope people got repaid tenfold in in lasers too yeah and not the people who paid for jan crouch's private jets god so yeah jan crouch um one of the main people behind tbn and one of the main hosts praise the lord the director and ceo of the holy land experience and if you're wondering is jan crouch the big pink haired lady yes that is the big pink haired lady um you know who i'm talking about if you've ever flipped on tbn for a second yes uh she's yes pink here i was reading i believe her origin story has something along the lines of she a chicken got hit and almost died but then she prayed and it was resurrected yeah i have that she was she was

12 years old uh her chicken got hit by a car uh one of its eyes was dangling out of its socket and then she prayed and then the bird recovered yeah so that's the sort of like that's i guess how you justify well obviously she has an experience that like would justify that she has this deep connection to the lord yeah um so then with this if the basis of her faith is on bringing chickens back to life then how does she justify selling chick-fil-a at the holy land experience that's one of the first yeah there's a daily beast article about this and that's one of the first things they say in there is that as soon as you walk in you can get chick-fil-a or a naked juice really weird i think the chick-fil-a is in like a greek thing it's like a

what used to be the front of a mediterranean restaurant and now you just get chick-fil-A is in like a Greek thing. It's like what used to be the front of a Mediterranean restaurant. And now you just get Chick-fil-A there. Yeah. And I think like not fresh Chick-fil-A. Like if you drove probably half a mile away, you would get new current Chick-fil-A. But instead at the Holy Land Experience, you're getting three day old Chick-fil-A. Mm-hmm. That's also right by the coffee establishment, Holy Coffee.

What? Is that a pun or not? I don't know. I don't know the answer to that. I don't know what their thinking was behind it. Well, the best restaurant, my favorite restaurant, is called Last Snack. That is, that's actually pretty funny and the picture on the website is just a big hot dog so well you know why i like it but like and then you got martha's kitchen that's got a big turkey leg picture

then esther's banquet hall which is just a picture of a burger a really crappy a really awful you know all that stuff about food styling about all right you prop it up with the cardboard and you know you may put a little fake glue glisten on it that uh looks like it's shining or something they just didn't do any of it they just this is the most this is like if mcdonald's just took photos of the real food yeah it's like if it was just like an iPhone, an old generation iPhone photo of like the actual like hamburger you would get at like 11 p.m. Should we arrange this burger to be symmetrical? Nah, don't worry about it.

It doesn't matter. It's fine. I have I have I have done a few fast food commercials and the way they shoot those. It's it's insane. It's like you can't have anything like squirting out of it you can't have any sort of it just has to look truly perfect like i had to bite into a wendy's chicken sandwich and the avocado like couldn't like couldn't encroach on certain parts of the lettuce and the bun while the bite was happening. Wow.

Wow. Weird, like, uh, border rules seemingly. Um, yes, very similar to what's going on in the middle East.

Yes. If that's what you're going, we do. Yes. Do not encroach. Um, that's, that's bizarre.

Uh, did you learn anything about how, like, you know, that, uh, you know, lettuce is actually this or, um, you know actually this or the tomatoes are plastic?

Is there some revelation? No, just a woman in gloves with about 50 different chicken sandwiches sternly telling me what to do and me not really having many questions. The Stern Burger Lady. I found a listing for, I think when I referred to a Mediterranean restaurant that is now just a Chick-fil-A, I think maybe what it might have been before, I found this in kind of an older guidebook.

There was something called the Oasis Palms Cafe. And I think this might be, this is what we're looking for because I'm sure we all checked around to see like where they're like themed item names, because that's that's what you want in in any themed restaurant scenario. And almost not at all in Martha's Kitchen or Last Snack or any of those. But we got them at the Oasis Palms Cafe, the sadly retired Oasis Palms Cafe. Let's see. Goliath burgers, like that.

Jaffa hot dogs. Anyone know what Jaffa refers to? I don't. Jaffa was a place, was a location, I believe. Yeah, I just typed it into Google, and it's all news results about, like, riots and people dying in Jaffa. So, anyway, you can get a hot dog. It's themed after it. it into google and it's all news results about like riots and people dying in jaffa so uh anyway you can get a hot dog it's themed after it um oasis chicken uh bedouin beef tabga tuna that's another word i don't know is that a city do we know or is it a or is it a type of profession

what is it a type of tuna could be yeah yeah um tabga is a place that is a sea of galilee adjacent place uh arabian chicken centurion salad uh that might be the winner for me that is good yeah shepherd soup shepherd soup does that mean it's lamb soup or not sure it doesn't it doesn't yeah not shepherd's pie right that's yeah that's what I'm familiar with of course and then Caesar's delight confused by that is that a Caesar salad or is that just

something else that Caesar would have liked is it is did Caesar have like a familiar is there or is that just something else that caesar would have liked is it is did caesar have like a familiar is there like is it kind of like the waltz scotch mist like caesar's favorite meal is that documented anywhere yeah which but back then is what like some grapes with flies on them like yeah well but like less flies less less flies. Yes. A peasant would have to eat like, you know, 20 to 23 flies per pile of grapes. But Caesar would only have like four. Mm hmm. They'd pick them out for him.

I've got a good sense of historical food, I think. Ben, it's recreated for you here at the Holy Land Experience. Um, I, uh, not to move completely past, uh, Jan Crouch. Um, she, because she, she got a lot of damage done in all her time in Orlando. Um, there was a lot of accusations of misappropriating network funds, uh, expensive homes, private jets, massive custom wigs, a hundred thousand dollar air conditioned mobile home solely for her dogs. Uh, for, we'll all like this, uh, as universal fans. Um, for nearly two years, she rented adjoining rooms for herself and her two Maltese dogs at the Lowe's Portofino Bay Hotel while she was building. It says while she was building the holy land experience but it was built she's bought it so i don't know what she's talking about

and um which by the way i mean again if you can get it uh if you have the means i think we'd all love to hang out with a couple dogs at the portofino bay for two years oh yeah especially Oh, yeah. Especially religious dogs. Blessed dogs, yes. Yeah. That is the most expensive hotel at Universal, and very close to this area. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Was Jan more of a Universal person or a Disney person? I guess Universal, but I guess it's maybe just proximity. It's by living there, and that's proximity.

I also asked earlier who is the most christ-like disney character do we have a character if we if we remind ourselves what jan crouch looks like um does it does any does she strike you as being similar to any any disney walkarounds she's i guess maybe my knee jerk is cruella DeVille. Yeah. She doesn't look like this, but honestly, the first cartoon character that jumps into my mind is the bad guy woman in the Chipmunks movie. I know that's not completely the looks right, but I feel like the vibe is similar. What was that character's name? I don't know the game of the character, but i will never forget just the way they drew those human characters in that chipmunks movie oh way too like rotoscopy like like drawn right on top

yeah very disturbing absolutely i'll send a photo miss miller is the name yes thank you yeah i believe that the chipettes are in her custody. Yes. Yeah. Here's the photo incoming. Jason, you know what I'm talking about? I believe I do. Wait, Mrs. Miller isn't the villain, is she? Maybe she's nice. Mrs. Miller is nice, but maybe a little dopey. Oh, I messed up.

Okay, yeah, it's not. Who's the villain, then? Well, these two people hold up this is just the ferksteins i guess it's the further two people there's a man and a woman claudia and klaus ferkstein yeah do you have a picture of them uh i will soon all right i think i got i think i got it here yeah here we go it's gonna send twice so you're gonna get two pictures of the klaus steins the furk steins klaus is the first name i see okay i'm excited to see you yes yes oh yeah she has kind of the uh joan crawford hair a little bit it's not it doesn't look exactly like her but that i don't know that was the character that jumped in my mind yeah that's that's a very cool i i don't i think i did not

look closely at the pictures of the crouches so i am just getting the full jan crouch hair experience on google right now and the rich are so dull like the rich are so gaudy like uh it's like medusa from the marvel universe the the inhuman with the giant hair that she can use as a weapon yeah she does not yeah i mean like it's like almost like she saw dolly parton and was like i'm gonna do it my way but then like had no actual style or anything i think yeah i'm sure there are exceptions to this rule and tell me if you can think of them dolly herself might be but i feel like colored hair past 65 is a dicey area you mean a natural like in a not like a purple which is not a natural color yes yeah yeah yeah uh um yeah i i don't know but i i somebody might

be able to point out a very good example of somebody who's very cool with bizarre wig colors at an older age yeah i can't off the top of my head jason yeah well as punk rockers age like i i'll be cool i'd be cool with it if like kim gordon was doing it you know sure you have to have like cred you have to have some cred yeah but if it's just because like yeah because i'm fun because i got i got spirit i don't know how i feel about that um she's very confusing also because when you sometimes when you say the lady with the crazy hair the religious the televangelist lady the crazy air you're tempted to think that's Tammy Faye Baker. Like, it was easy for me to confuse these two.

And now that just makes it a type. I don't know if there are other crazy wig televangelists like this. There probably are. But just like of the five famous ones, two of them are crazy wig ladies. Yes. I mean, Tammy Faye is the name recognition because i i did not i'm sure i've seen a picture of jan before but i was not i wouldn't have known her name i don't think i did either no no now we know it would be interesting like the the sort of like maybe

like local regional version version of this are there like 50 crazy hair wig ladies trying to be the next tammy faye or jan i'm not sure but that's a reality show i would enjoy watching yes i think that's a good idea well again we're giving these things away for free just looking at her i feel like jan probably definitely terrorized the um room service wait staff at the portofino right like she was definitely a pill there's no way where's my woody woodpecker pancakes i would imagine i mean look there's there's some really dark stuff if you really want to go down a rabbit hole which i don't i don't yes up to you if you want to Google Jan Crouch lawsuit. It's so bad. I don't want to devote the show to it. But boy, she's like she's horrible. I will not feel bad about shitting on her poorly themed coffee stand. Yeah, it's the least she deserves.

Coffee is stupid. Also had an affair with a Holy Land Experience employee. Lots of fun stuff going on. On the plus side, on the brighter side, I believe that this place was designed by a place called ITEC Entertainment that, according to their website, also designed Marvel Mania. I mean, you can feel the DNA. You can feel it, I think, if you look at some of the photos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And her resemblance to Medusa might have helped the ITEC get on board. dna you can feel it i think if you look at some of the photos yeah yeah absolutely and her resemblance to medusa might have helped uh the itc get on board and also the like if you look

at the map for with like the layout it is so funny because it's clearly like done by a theme park designer like it's it looks exactly like like if it didn't have a religious aspect to the map, you'd be like, oh, yeah, this is some sort of theme park. Got it. Yeah. Yeah. I like the water feature. The landscape architecture looks nice. I would feel very stressed out if I had to be the guy who had to keep up the he has risen floral arrangement every day.

That feels like too much pressure. Yeah. Keeping flowers alive like making jesus be reborn over and over i'm already it's it's very warm in this room so i'm forgetting did we actually go through a list of everything on the map yet not yet no uh yeah maybe it's time to talk about what what you do at the Holy Land Experience. Yeah. Because it kind of breaks down to shows and exhibits. Mm-hmm. Are we going through the list or do we just want to call out things?

I think we should just go. Well, yeah. I mean, there's one thing I just want to say first. It's number 11 on the map and it's Smile of a Child Adventureland. I didn't want to take a screen grab of that because i was afraid i'd get on a list well i'm sure as we're doing this through zoom where we have now been placed on various lists by the spyware inside it but i will look with the context of we have to talk about it we have to talk about the smile of a child um yeah i know a little about what's in there i mean the the one that really jumps out is that um there is a little exhibit where you go inside the whale that swallowed jonah right and it seems like up on the, in his innards, like kind of up on his stomach wall linings, there's, he's also swallowed an octopus and a starfish.

And don't quote me on this, but it seems like they have mouths that would move. Like they look like kind of flappy mouths, like the tiki masks in the Enchanted Tiki Room. Yes. That is is that's there you can play miniature golf well i think what i i was i figured out the entomology here i think it was just a it was just like walk arounds and there wasn't anything too like tactile to do so i think they added mini golf as like something to do and so now you can i believe now you put through the whale's belly they like left everything oh i see and turned it into mini golf wait and really quick before you say because we're gonna we need to say the name of the mini golf uh one video i saw where you go into the whale's belly you hear a voice and i don't know

if it was jonah or a starfish or what it is but this gives you the kind of the tenor of the smile of a child area uh that i just heard like a very silly cartoon voice say god my father forgive my stubbornness the funnest place for kids in orlando by far hey kids come to the park ask for forgiveness from god forgive me for coloring out of the lines at the coloring station at the smile of a child adventure land i did not finish my terrible hamburger at esther's banquet hall uh forgive me for going over par at the trinity mini golf yeah that's what it's called the trinity mini golf t-r-i-n-i-t-e-e mini golf a mini golf place where the hole that I saw involved, you know, the obstacles kind of along the way are barnyard animals, donkey and such. And then at the end, right behind the hole is a manger with the baby Jesus and Joseph and Mary around on top.

So if you overshot it, if you hit really, really hard, you would just smack newborn baby Jesus right in the face. Yes, you have to be very careful on this thing because, yeah, if you were to hit it like a drive, you could knock Joseph's head right off. Like these flats don't even look that strong. Like they don't look like they could withstand. So if a kid like, say, you know, you know, like it's one of those kids that like extra aggressive that like hits the ball too hard you could do real damage here you really could uh and i would wait if i had done this and somehow

damaged the holy family i think i would have wept and wept i'm going to hell i killed joseph and then they'd like the people also the workers that would probably been like you're right I'm going to hell. I killed Joseph. And then they'd like the people, also the workers, that would probably been like, you're right. Yes, that's right. We're very sorry, son. You're going to need to say 200 Hail Marys and eat five last snack hot dogs. Mustard can't save you now

where's your relish now it's your relish now jesus there's there is one where you're supposed to hit goliath with a golf ball you like want a it's like david and the uh the slingshot um there's also a smile of a child theater did you okay wait did you find the shows here no no go for it i believe it's the roman soldier training camp no yes uh yeah jason you found that i yeah i was gonna say the the the smile of a Child play area, not the only thing for kids, because you can go to the Roman soldier training camp

and unleash your inner warrior as you enlist in our Roman soldier training camp. Give us your loudest war cry and show us if you got what it takes to be a certified defender of Rome. That's wild. Whoa. The whole thing is wild. do we want to be roman soldiers like what point did roman soldiers shift from um pagan gods to christianity because yeah when didn't they hurt jesus yeah yeah what i don't do they like teach like, all right, here's a stab a hand?

You don't want to be them, do you? The flattening of history, my religious education did not do a good job about contextualizing what was going on in the world and who was ruling what parts of it at the time, you know? Yeah. I'm an idiot when it comes to this. I've just sent you a photo from this pamphlet I'm looking at with all the shows that has a picture of a Jesus that looks very close to Will Forte.

Yes. Yes. Well, bless you. He really does. It could be. It could be. Did he do a run at... When's this photo?

Yeah, he was actually discovered for SNL at the Smile of a Child Theater. Lauren and Marcy Klein go down to the Smile of a Child Theater once a year to see all the talent, the Jesus talent. You know, we ask them for three characters and too many of them just do Jesus, Satan and Lazarus. And, you know, just variety is what we're after. I swear if I see another fucking Mary Magdalene. Since you bring that up, I feel like a lot of mary magdalene in this park right i don't i don't recall well she shows up at um okay which show is it uh simeon's house to watch jesus's feet um she shows up at lazarus's house because she is lazarus's sister i believe is that

i think i think i read that um lazarus house is the one that struck me the most just because of this description that's on the website in multiple locations visit lazarus's home and meet his beloved sisters witness the unique dynamic of this family and i don't know what it is that phrase has just been ringing in my head for days like visit lazarus's house meet his sisters witness the unique dynamic of this family it's really it's a lot of nothing huh a unique family dynamic i think the family dynamic is they yell at mary magdalene for being a sinner right am i wrong possibly could be sounds right could be i'm looking at this and there's a longer description that says enjoy live singing in a comical twist on one of the bible's

well-known stories oh so i'm not you know maybe there maybe there's a little improv maybe they ask for a word in the middle of the show they also call her maria magdalene or maria magdalena which i know is i think it's some translations call her that um if and if you need to make a telephone call in Lazarus's house. Use the den. Yeah. If you come back to life and need to make a telephone call to say you're alive, you've risen from the dead. Use the den. The shows at Lazarus's house are so good, it'll have you coming back again and again.

Is it hot outside? A little air-conditioned sit in Lazarus's house will bring you back to life. it'll have you coming back again and again. Is it hot outside? A little air-conditioned sit in Lazarus' house will bring you back to life. The coolest cave in town. Coolest cave in town. But it's like Carousel of Progress. You can go there and sit down and get air-conditioned for 20 minutes.

I would, hopefully. And he lists all the inventions they don't have yet. Washing machines. Nope. Automatic air dryers. Not in our dreams. Quibi? No way. Do you realize this episode is the first post-Quibi episode?

Oh, yeah, you're right. Wow. We did. I mean, what that means is no one's listening. We're talking to no one because everyone is Quibbing right now. That's a good point. That's a bummer. Thismer this is gonna sit on listen to for for years what are we doing let's just give up it's a good man it's fine that we're getting all these things about the holy land wrong uh yeah nobody's gonna hear it judge chrissy tegan's gonna put us in solitary and then chance the rapper is gonna punk our asses we would be so lucky to get punked by

chance the rapper oh as long as he's got that hat as long as he's got that hat on it was a lot being punking was a luxury only available in pre-virus times. Now, the vast majority of punkings are considered gatherings of more than 10 people. So you could still do a Zoom punking. The ultimate punk would be to reveal that there's like 200 people hiding in your house and they all come out and cough. Oh, yeah. What a what a hilarious punk. Ha ha ha. You got me.

In terms of perhaps disappointing attractions, one of these articles I read, forgive me for not knowing the source, but they phrased it beautifully uh number 18 whipping post was just a wooden post with a cardboard cut out of a bloody jesus being whipped red paint literally smeared all over it whipping post fun whipping post where was that located where was that thank you um it was number 18 at the time i don't know if it was in the scriptorium or uh next or in the smile probably not in the smile of a child area but no i would hope not but the child the children can still go to the scriptorium or uh next or in the smile probably not in the smile of a child uh area but no i would hope not but the child the children can still go to the scriptorium and i'm sure they would yeah um there was another uh fun sounding one is the day in the life a day in the life of a of a monk which is just it's just a room with an empty cot what just a small little room

it's not minimal because we had no money it's minimal because that's how the monks lived you see would you could you go in there for like uh a day or a week i assume they wanted you in and out though because they'd have moved people yeah i don't think so i don't yeah i don't think you can room and board in the in the monk uh room just a day in the life visit the monk's home and meet his beloved cot witness the unique dynamic of his job his beloved cot that's my that's a joke i thought you were reading realistic enough yeah really one man and the cot he loved dear I was just swapping in the monk specifics swapping

out Lazarus specific swapping in monk specifics sure I couldn't find a lot of information about the arc of the covenant smoke and laser laser show yeah I don't is there was did you look for a video no videos are a little sparing for this entire thing i i do we know if there's a video policy

or anything like do they say not to do video probably guys i'm just like looking at the um uh like map a little more or the one one of the pages of the map um and it did not dawn on me that the empire and the kingdom is a three-part show at 12 30 2 15 and 3 15 and the parts range from 40 minutes to 45 minutes oh that's it yeah you're right that's interesting so it's it's it's not the same show over and over again during the day no you follow peter's journey through rome interesting oh wait yeah wait a minute uh the park closes it seems to close around six o'clock every day but the resurrection of lazarus is at 5 25 so that's the equivalent of a Renaissance fair that has a joust as the last thing of the day. Is that the big, is that the phantasmic? Is that the firework show?

Is Lazarus rising? Well, I think the phantasmic is the passion. That's obviously the main draw. Oh, right, right, right, right. And they highly encourage everybody to see the passion. And, you know, even if you're experiencing another exhibit, I think they tell you, you know, the passion is beginning right now. So they really try to push everyone to that.

What time is the passion? Well, if it's like the hours that I had to be sad, then it's from 12 to 3. Which those hours, Jason, you just listed were kind of in that window. Yeah. it's from 12 to 3 which those those hours Jason you just listed were kind of in that window um yeah uh yeah it looked pretty like during the day to me and it was funny watching I did there is some sparing video of the of the passion show and you know because it's this little you know middle eastern town and there's like you know here's this little structure and some scenes happen up there and then there's there's fighting and you're watching it in stands it all reminded me so much of the indiana jones stunt spectacular oh and actually i just realized including uh the abusive whips

in this case for a much darker purpose yeah that's a good point yeah yeah they have to like coordinate the sound effects like it you know it's good point yeah yeah they have to like coordinate the sound effects like it you know it's all the stuff you would have to do in any theme park you know in the water world show you have to like make all the gun sound effects or whatever um so somebody's got to be watching the watching the guy's whip and hitting the the ka-cha every time i mean it it would have gotten a mean, it would have gotten a lot more, it would have gotten a lot more guests if Indiana, like one of the Romans,

had thrown off their garb and it had been Indiana Jones. Jesus, we got to get out of here. Do you have any idea what they're going to do to you, Jesus? Who are you? I'm from the future I time travel in part 5 you'll see it comes out in 2030

Marion or Mary or whatever your name is come on I'm 90 years old I will say this all the pictures of the live shows they look like they're pretty well produced definitely maybe maybe maybe it's deceptive in just they've obviously taken pictures that look good but it doesn't look chintzy i will say that no i think it's yeah i think it's plenty well done yeah you're getting a show you're getting i'm just saying i think you know to give it a compliment you're getting a show at least

yeah it feels like certainly uh um i also let me do really let me do another specific quote here because this really i mean if this explains holy land experience better than than anything i've seen atlas obscura framed it as thus uh at orlando's holy land experience jesus is crucified daily for your viewing pleasure it's really strange it's definitely very strange and again like i said there's this whip sound effects and they at every you know step at every station of the cross um where he is he is abused and tortured he gets bloodier and bloodier. It's crazy. This is a thing that they actively encourage kids to come to, and it is just a full-on, really gory passion,

just like the film is. It is gorier than any Horror Nights thing. The picture I saw, at least. Sorry, I was going to say, you could also meet the living Christ at the Miracle of the Upper Room. Did you guys come across that? Not sure I did. No, I was going to say, you could also meet the living Christ at the Miracle of the Upper Room. Did you guys come across that?

Not sure I did. No, I didn't. It's offered four times a day. It's about 15 minutes, and participants in this experience participate in a communion service with an actor playing Jesus. Huh. Yes, yes. us huh yes yes and i saw somewhere that you get uh you get a wafer or a little piece of bread or something and then you get like grape juice yes protestants use grape juice that's correct okay yeah um so protestantism not for me, clearly. So there's multiple, we were saying there's multiple Jesuses.

Is it a situation, though, where like when you're in Disneyland and you see, oh, there's Mickey in a tuxedo, but then there's Mickey in his regular clothes. And then like, is there ever like, are kids going to be a little confused if they see different Jesuses during the day? I have to imagine they would be. Yeah. And do you go by Santa rules and one of them's Jesus's helper? You're right. Is that, yeah. When the kid gets a little older, is it like, well,

that one's beard is bigger than the other one. That one's taller. Like that's not the same. The same one covered in blood is not the same one that I met and got away from. That nice man gave us a snack earlier and now those mean men are beating him up within to within an inch of his life mom can we go back and see muppet vision 3d instead no we cannot i uh and speaking of important and importance the i think the the most important act that occurs at the Holy Land experience.

This is so crazy. I cannot believe this is true. Kind of related to the have communion, having communion with Jesus. I mean, I had to check multiple sources to discover if this was real. And it is OK. The Sermon on the Mount occurs. That's another like mini show that jesus does uh after delivering a brief speech and pronouncing a blessing on what appeared to be plastic loaves

and fishes jesus solicits costume cast members to feed the crowd in lieu of real bread and fish jesus's disciples deposit a handful of processed cheddar goldfish crackers into each visitor's hand. I can't believe that's real. They don't give you fish. They give you goldfish crackers. That is that's where like, you know, budget like budget and maybe like health concerns like really get in the way of making something authentic i think so yeah it's okay it's really important for authenticity that everybody wear like really heavy fabric on their head but we can't just give everybody you know pizza flavored goldfish

i mean i guess yeah i guess i wonder if i wonder if it's always been that i wonder if they ever actually tried to do the real thing well look you got to think about the wholesale rates here okay you're gonna your money's gonna go a lot farther getting wholesale processed goldfish than trying to buy cans of cans of sardines to give everyone a little fish you know know. Yes, I mean, yes. Budget concerns. Sardines more expensive. Sardines, dear God. Yeah, that's fine. Let's stick with the goldfish. Jason, do you like sardines? I do like sardines.

Yeah, I bought a bunch of canned fish when we all started going crazy at the grocery store. I bought canned smoked oysters. I bought sardines. Canned smoked oysters? I don't know about oysters. We always had smoked oysters growing up. Wow. I do like sardines, actually.

I think it's an underrated. I think I liked it also because Michelangelo would put it on a pizza and I wanted to be like him. Yeah. If you cook them into the pan, if they're already in olive oil, you cook them in a pan, toss in some tomato sauce, serve it over pasta. Delicious. Also, as I eat less meat as I get older, it is just crazy. It's just literally like a whole fish. What do you think is the most, if we're going for accuracy, how do we make the goldfish more?

If it's just plain cheddar, I don't know. I mean, first of all, you're going to want the mouth. Do all the goldfish have mouths at this point or some of them still just plain oh that's a good question i don't know i haven't had goldfish crackers in a long time i haven't either i should treat myself to a quarantine treat um but i'm trying to think uh i mean what's like the fishiest goldfish? Like, I'm looking at their varieties and like, you know, s'mores flavored goldfish grams. What flavor blasted extra cheddar jacked? I don't know.

They don't really have like a fish. They don't have like a salmon flavored goldfish cracker, they it doesn't look like they do no there's no goldfish products that offer the taste of fish besides the shape of fish whoa i found a i think it's probably fan it's a etsy type thing but uh there's a goldfish crackers uh sweatshirt that i think jason should get oh yeah send me that is it just the logo? What's going on with it? I'll send it right now. Jacked might be good,

because everyone's jacked to enter the kingdom of heaven when they accept Christ's blessings. Well, and a cracker being blasted with that much jacked cheddar, I mean, that seems like a miracle that only Christ could achieve. Maybe this, maybe, look, maybe it's the maybe you don't even have to have it be fish.

Maybe it's literally just in the morning all of the goldfish crackers are blessed by a priest. Yeah, that would suffice. Yeah. Yeah. In the way, yeah, the way the wafers become the body of Christ, the goldafers become the body of christ the goldfish crackers become the bodies of real fish yeah exactly yeah so then it sort of makes sense

uh this apparently doesn't actually say goldfish it has a different it has a different name on it but it's basically the crackers and you'll see it i just sent it um so i'm guessing it just is i'm guessing they maybe they bless maybe that maybe so it all the food is blessed in the morning the chick-fil-a is blessed the naked juices are blessed uh caesar's favorite food item is blessed whatever that was god's tidings upon this citrus sea monster right this uh coke zero mountain dew baja blast turn water into a mountain dew baja blast the many daily miracles here at holy land experience um i am another uh another daily miracle is the defeat of Satan within the passion performance. And this I you know, again, I really regret that there isn't more good video or or photographs, because I saw several sources alluding to that their Satan is kind of a well, to quote, this is from Jacob Silverman in The Baffler.

The Satan of the Holy Land experience is a marvelous creation knitted out in or kitted out, I guess, in ripped leather, a tank top, runny eyeliner and chains they're like it's like a like a hot topic satan i think it's like it is like a modern it's like what they would cast in like a made for tv movie where it's like modern day satan yeah absolutely um i think this it seems like their Satan could play in the Hollywood vampires. Alice Cooper, Johnny Depp, Satan. Is that still sort of if like we're doing like a psychoanalysis of the people who put that together? Are they still scared of like aging in their 60s rock and rollers 60s in their 60s and 70s rock and rollers yeah do they do they think that the rock stars are still like putting backwards messages in the music yeah that might that's what i'm getting at it's like well ozzy osbourne is public enemy number

one still to this day like they've got an old school way of thinking and they're like well there's no better representation of state of modern satan than ozzy i i think so yeah i think there's definitely people on this earth who are like a thousand percent on board with everything trump is doing but they're still really mad about bart sim. Right. Right. Alice Cooper throwing up the devil's, or the devil horns with his hand is still. They're just mad because he's a man who wears eyeliner. Yes, also his name is Alice.

Woman's name. God does not want the genders to be confused he doesn't know how to classify them once they arrive at heaven's gate meanwhile like all these guys have done like city bank commercials for credit cards like they're so far from alice cooper's the right wingiest guy and and the crouches the people behind it are the most deviant psychopaths, the most upsetting lawsuits and affairs and money laundering. Like, yeah, got to watch out for kids listening to monkeys records. The true danger is anyone who dresses like Adam Lambert. Oh, yeah.

Chains, little spikes on a wristband. Not in the kingdom of heaven. Kids today have 21 pilots, but they should only have one pilot, and his name is Jesus Christ. You really, Jason, you should write sermons for these people. I should write sermons for them. You'd make a little for them you'd make a little yeah make a little money make a little side money uh the apparently then what happens is that this um this goth satan uh gets just walks up to jesus and they just start punching each other. It's just a fist fight.

And then Jesus wins, of course. And that makes sense because I think he has been training, as evidenced by a photo, which I'll try to take quick and send to you guys, where it's the corner of a boxing ring and Jesus is shirtless and in just shorts and his boxing gloves are hanging off of his arm and uh he is uh super ripped really well backlit that's kind of true that's one thing that makes Jesus always in every every painting and everything he always finds his light. That's how you know, um, he's, uh, he's special, but the,

he was a star. He knew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He, he, he knows,

he knows his best side. Uh, he knows where his hair looks the most luxurious, but, uh, yeah, check out this photo. Uh,

Jesus hanging out in the corner of the ring and the, the, the, the, the, the, the side of the ring, uh,

it, it says savior down the side. So, uh, in this painting, you can get jesus like boxes he trains uh that's weird really strange yeah especially weird in the show that jesus defeats satan satan by biting a chunk of his ear off. Well, they wanted it to be topical. Yes, but they never cut it out. They never cut it out.

They tried doing a bit where Jesus hits him with a steel chair, but they messed it up and messed up the guy's back, so they couldn't do that anymore. You know what I will say, though? There's still more activity going on here than in Galaxy's Edge. There's still more like activity going on here than in galaxy's edge

there's still more fighting and action that the fans demand here then you know kylo ren walks around but he never fights ray yeah so i give them kudos i give them credit yeah which is is funny because if bob chapak had followed the prosperity doctrine, the prosperity gospel, and just put that little extra money to the people mover system, it would have paid off tenfold and he wouldn't have had to take a 50% pay cut during these hard economic times. You're saying that if he had put that third ride into Galaxy's Edge, he would have been able to have his full salary during the coronavirus outbreak

yes as like they say at the Holy Land Experience karma's a bitch another great mode you could see Jesus in is there's a cardboard cutout where he's just he's riding a big motorcycle

he's riding a big hog yes I know that's wild yeah yeah and he's riding a big motorcycle. He's riding a big hog. Yes, I know. That's wild. Yeah. Yeah. And he's got angel wings. Why? Jesus isn't an angel.

I mean, he's a lot of things, but he's not an angel. They may as well have, like, the buddy Christ from Dogma. It's exactly like that. He's pointing. He's smiling a big smile and pointing it's really wild yeah i don't know what the thinking is is this like uh what we have you know because like i guess we read that there's a little humor in the lazarus show so is this like you know what we we have fun too jesus has fun it's not all blood and guts not too much fun though not too much fun but some fun some some fun uh firmly in the category of some fun is uh the one animatronic that i could find evidence

of at uh the holy land experience and is it you know one of our our buddies experience. And is it, you know, one of our, our buddies from the Bible? Is it Noah? Is it Abraham? Or is it the scary snake, uh, for the bothered Adam and Eve? Uh, no better.

It is an animatronic of John Wycliffe, the 14th century, uh, English theologian, of course. Hmm. And you can listen to him explain how he translated the Bible from Latin to English in 1382. Oh.

Oh, okay. That's my son. You don't seem especially excited to meet John Wycliffe. Oh, no, I am. Well, oh, very good. I'm glad you're excited. Sit down. He has 25 minutes worth of explanation of translating from language to language.

He knows many languages. He'll tell you all about it. These shows are so long yeah yeah they're all i mean well if and if that doesn't sound interesting and i he is wearing like a floppy magellan kind of hat so oh okay yes all right i'm back on board sit down we're good now we're going for your own safety we have to buckle you in. So strap in and the straps will only come loose automatically 25 minutes from now. Are there straps? I know.

I don't believe so. But again, you have to ask. Yeah. It's hard to tell in any of these places. Yeah. So go see John Wycliffe. You can go operate a claw machine. That's a fun thing for a kid to do.

And your reward may be a prayer bear. Yes. Oh, I love the prayer bears. They have a little, like, couch, like a kangaroo, and you slip a little prayer inside. Speaking of prayer bears and plush, do we know about

the camel? No, I don't. Nope. Go on. Okay. Well, I was looking through eBay at different merch, and I believe the holy... It's a little bit hard to tell if it's from Trinity Broadcasting specifically, or they just...

I'm not sure where the the origin of the camel is but there's a camel named kwabu q-a-b-o-o the camel and he is available at the holy land experience but i think you also can probably get him on maybe like a home shopping network i think if you actually pledge you can get kwabu the camel but he's a very cute camel um and he is you can get you can get a version of him on ebay for 50 wow and incidentally i would like to congratulate jeffrey katzenberg on the launch of kwabu yes we're very excited about the kwabu series um quabu of the pride uh there's various there's like it's interesting looking at the merch too on ebay because it's like there's sort of one-off things i'll see like lamb sheep plush soft toy it looks very dirty though it looks i mean i mean like just like

covered in soot like it's ashes it's ash wednesday right but they have you know pins like pewter pins uh they have uh decorative glasses they have candle frankincense and myrrh hand-poured christian faith candles wow uh so you can spend you can spend a lot of money at the holy land experience yes um and then there's also just you know a lot of t-shirts which you know maybe we want to get one or two yeah sure you think kwabu is kind of the item to get i think he seems like the number one but i think he i just want to i need to do a little more investigating and seeing if he's more of a trinity icon than an actual holy land icon oh okay okay yeah that's what i'm suspecting is that he might be more of a trinity mascot which i'm less excited about he's a cute look he's a cute camel cute camel's a cute camel but i want to make sure he's more associated with

a theme park and i i have a suspicion he's a little bit more Trinity based. Yeah. You want him to be original theme park IP. Absolutely. Right. And when this folds, I would have liked to own Quabu when this park closes for good. I feel like everything's up for sale soon.

Right. I think you get a steal on Quabu. I think everything maybe in America is up for sale soon. Too negative here. What have we not discussed? Oh, one thing I missed about the devil is that at some point in time, or this quote, this is from the article, they they break the reality. They break the fourth wall with the devil a little bit.

And somebody explains that this is this. His name is Eric. He's just an actor. I say this because a couple of weeks ago we had a woman slap the devil. Oh, my God. People get so invested in it and the devil's being mean to jesus and people would walk up and how dare you and beat him up what's really funny about that like we've heard stories and i still don't know i haven't heard firsthand but we've heard stories of like oh they

had to take captain jack out of the park because women were flashing him like i've heard that before i don't know if that's just sort of an urban legend but if people thought because because the the reason being people like associated him with johnny depp so much they needed to flash johnny depp so i like the idea that they would go up to who they think is satan and just slap him and not try to murder him not to try to destroy him yeah they believe enough that he is the devil this is the devil right here but i just want to you know just uh just give him a little warning you're yes like like yeah like you're challenging him to a duel like hit him with a little glove

you jerk you are very uncouth sir i've read about some of the things you've done over the years, and I do not approve. Does that mean there's like supporters of the devil, too? Like, are there hashtag devil innocent supporters as there are with John? Free the devil. Yeah, I'm sure there are. I would be interested. Is there any like kind of like edgy teens that go here just to go see the devil every day because they love the devil? And cheer him on.

Yeah, he needs our support. Yeah, they're like their devil stands. Do you think devil worshipers petition the Holy Land Experience to sometimes let him win like the Washington generals? I would imagine. yeah, they should they should like once a year like they do with the free admission they should let the devil win. It's only fair.

You know, there's no stakes if Jesus always wins. Right. You need to have that possibility that the devil will win for that drama. Because if not you know where the story's going to, how it's going to end. And you guys, you're big wrestling fans.

You love a good heel. I mean, if they want this to be a good show. You got to build up the heel to be a significant challenger to the face. So yes, sometimes the heel has to win in order to make him or her more of a threat. Yeah. That is what I thought of

when you said someone slapped the devil is that someone pulled a gun on, who was it, Mike? Was it the Ultimate Warrior back in the 80s? Oh, my God. A lot of wrestlers have a story in the 70s and 80s about getting a gun pulled on them. Because people thought that was all, like, they were actual villains. They were actually that mean and cruel well i think andy kaufman had a lot of what they like of people really angry at him when he was

feuding with lawler i don't know that he had a gun oh yeah i think a lot of those people the idea was you would rile up a crowd so much that you would have to run to your car so they wouldn't kick the shit out of you wow well so i mean that speaks to the quality of the devil performance that they were buying it that much yes right yes yeah they're edgy yeah and there's a lot of wrestling in orlando so he should like you know he should do a little speech should say like damn tonight i'm taking on the ultimate warrior well the devil could pop into any of the different uh wrestling taping in orlando yeah yeah this is the best merger of worlds they could do. Get the Holy Land Experience devil in the next Raw.

Is Raw tape there? No, that's on the road, but there's NXT tapes there. NXT tapes there. Okay, okay. Oh, no, Impact might tape in Canada. Anyway, I don't know. He's going to need work. So, yeah, when you got the devil up for grabs

uh wrestling uh take note or he can just like join a uh cover an uh black sabbath cover band either way he's already he already dresses the part yes he he can bring his own eyeliner yeah exactly um i what a place my god um my oh my gosh my gosh my gosh um are we gonna miss it if if it if it does not uh fully come back i wish we went i do wish we went uh so i will miss not having gone uh 50 bucks is rough, though, I'll say. I don't mind not paying $50 for this. I could have sent an email. We could have seen what we could have done. But wouldn't they have asked us to make it a donation?

It's against the Lord's will to get press comps. That's a good question. But if we said Patreon exclusive episode, perhaps. Is this Patreon? Yeah, it is, right? that's what we're doing no no no it's the main feed right now all right well i'll cut the i'll cut it out i'll cut this out whatever um we don't know what we don't know what day it is we don't know what we're doing truly from being in this room i had the door closed and i literally felt like i've been losing my mind the whole time we're recording i need to figure out an air circulation in here that's good not for me too well hey no

one's making us uh do it we could uh we could end anytime any final thoughts about the holy land experience uh i just again i wish i went i'd wish honestly i wish that they had poured more money from Trinity Broadcasting into this because it feels like Trinity has a ton of money and they should have really upgraded let's get a ride in there let's get more animatronics let's up the production even more let's you know

let's make it a five part series not a three part series I forget which show that was I just wish the budget was higher i just wish they really went nuts and it was like much more of an epic like shutting down now yeah yeah um that they yeah that they would go all out i mean the opportunity to have like full-on religious dark rides they definitely have not um really made good on that possibility. And if this is kind of the biggest religious theme park,

definitely a bit of a letdown. Unless there's things we don't know about that have had full-on religious dark rides. Yeah, but I think we've asked before and no one's produced an example. They should license the journey to jerusalem uh uh thing from the the pavilion at epcot the millennium oh yes that's floating around somewhere yeah that movie yeah that's a good idea yeah we talked about that on the second gate there was a weird ride where you go to jerusalem um yeah that's like begging to be here uh from the millennium village although that might be a little too not jews for jesusy enough for the for this gang like that might be a little too like well

okay it's that's the first half of our book but the second half is where the real ticket is. That's where your real ticket to ride is. Ride into heaven. I don't know. We've talked about what religious rides might be, I guess, before. Is there something from Jesus' life that would make an especially good... Maybe some kind of like bumper car scenario where you know that they were he's like getting rid of the shopkeepers in the temple where you're like mowing over shopkeepers in a mr toad madcap fashion oh that's good huh like 40 days and 40

nights in the desert um there's there's so many water ride opportunities noah's ark jesus walking on water i feel like those are givens yeah right um i think there should be there should be more of a of a crucifixion it should be really like it doesn't go far enough here is what i'm saying they should really like you should get like you should have that sheet like at the front row of a gallagher concert like really the blood i'm saying oh i see oh the blood oh gotcha yeah yeah um i mean they should provide that just as a courtesy yes and they should have gallagher do it gallagher like doing so having people do special runs as the devil this month Gallagher yeah you get a super yeah you get like

like older road like Jimmy JJ Walker will do it one month mm-hmm yeah carrot top carrot top sure props involved in that one that'll be kind of a sillier crucifixion yeah but that's okay again they have a sense of humor so that's why you get

these these guests uh uh satans and jesus's i guess some people are gonna want to be jesus's um yeah hammer obviously hammers around yes hammer doing a stint as jesus and doing his little hammer dance his parachute pants dance on water oh wow, wow. There we go. He not only survives the crucifixion, but he comes back to hammer dance because he is too legit to quit. Yeah. Man. That's such a great idea.

Somebody's going to draw that. Yes, please. Yes, yes. Hashtag Jesus is hammer or hammer is Jesus. Hammer is Jesus. Hammer is Jesus. But for now. Yeah, what's the worst that could happen? We're already in the middle of a plague.

If we do something sacrilegious, we're going to get another plague. Jason daring the Lord now. I think this is, yeah, we're causing it by doing this episode at all. I'm sorry, everyone. No, we're calling out the money lenders in the temple we're overturning the tables now with these hypocrites that's correct we did and i don't think it'll be a problem anymore because we uh yeah look uh holy land experience i think it's safe to assume will fully close in the near future you know maybe it was

the virus maybe it was them firing everybody. But who's to say podcast ride wasn't wasn't part of that. Don't mess with us. We'll take we'll take a little credit. Yep. Yep. So get on our good side and offer us comps. If you hear we're coming to Orlando.

Fly us in. Fly us in on your private jets. Put us up at the portofino bay hotel with two maltese dogs yes please and then please like sterilize the planes before yes that would help yes please more

important than holy water it would be funny if they send us like three coach tickets hey when this is all over we are the episode. We want to make you happy. And they're like, no, no, no, no. Now you're coming now.

Yeah. Coach tickets are $50. Right. All right. Well, yeah, we'll we'll revisit this if they do give us comps. That truly is the way into the kingdom of heaven, giving podcasters comps. But for now, you know what?

This is for Chip. I've been changing up the ending. I will say Podcast the Ride has ended. Let us go in peace to love and serve Jan Crouch. For more Podcast the Ride, visit the Holy Trinity, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook facebook and for only five dollars

a month you can pass into the kingdom of podcast the ride the second gate um all are welcome uh for three bonus episodes every month at patreon.com slash podcast the ride put the second gate on a credit card um yeah it's considered a write-off right just like this park i think it is yeah i think so yeah yeah so think of it as a religious donation if florida can have uh tax exempt uh status for locations that display biblical artifacts uh california should have a law that uh podcasters get all sorts of tax tax exempt uh you know benefits we're keeping this economy of california afloat anyone who wasn't a podcaster uh before the virus certainly is now so and they're all so good they're all great and yeah you know you know i i usually i just like to plug what we're doing but i i you know in the spirit of easter kindness i we should promote another podcast and say please go check out

zach braff and donald fazon's uh scrubs Revisited podcast that also will assure your passage into the kingdom of heaven I would like to also announce Jason Sheridan and I are doing a podcast where we revisit old heralds that we did Oh god Don't we do that enough when we hang out?

Well now we're recording it This is the content we need This is what will cheer up everyone in these troubled times. Do you think also, no spoilers, but do you think that your guys, I know you guys were real bros in a lot of your heralds, but is your real life broship going to come out in this podcast too? I would think that everyone will be able to finally experience our real life bro ship in their living room so yes i guess the answer is yes

that's sort of the that's the mission statement it's just i have it i have it written down right here it's just so it's so crazy that you guys played friends in improv shows and are friends in real life i agree and we're so happy to bring it to people's you know pod catchers thanks to gamblingonline.com check out gamblingonline.com the website where you gamble on the internet we really are happy with our partners at gamblingonline.com. We like them. All right.

Well, happy Easter weekend, everyone. A very solemn remainder of your Good Friday to you. And thanks for listening. Be back for more next week. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Mike Carlson, Jason Sheridan, Scott Gairdner, Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey.

For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.