Podcast: The Ride - Unlocked: BabyLand General Hospital

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

Enjoy this sample of P:TR-The Second Gate.  Find more episodes at Patreon.com/PodcastTheRide We discuss BabyLand General Hospital. The place where Cabbage Patch Kids are born / grow! And we learn that the Cabbage Patch Kids have enemies. Listen to Podcast: The Ride Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus: http://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus FOLLOW PODCAST: THE RIDE: https://twitter.com/PodcastTheRide https://www.instagram.com/podcasttheride BUY PODCAST: THE RIDE MERCH: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/podcast-the-ride PODCAST THE RIDE IS A FOREVER DOG PODCAST https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/podcast-the-ride Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

five four three two one welcome to what i would venture to guess will be a rather icky podcast to ride the second gate. I'm Scott Gardner. Mike Carlson seems to agree. Yeah, I am here. I'm here and I am feeling icky. It's a really, it's just like shivers. You got to shiver. We'll introduce the third guy and then I think there's something that I have for you, both of you, that'll make this better. This whole situation better. Oh, that'll offset the better yeah yes it'll make the the little spoonful of sugar make the medicine you say that actually go ahead i i yeah i was driving over and i was trying to find the right word and scott you hit the nail on the head yeah it's not disgusting it's not

perverse it's just this today's topic babyland general hospital which not to you know here i won't dive in if you have some stuff but real quick yeah yes yeah just the cliff notes is it's the what's really the like the hub the epicenter of the cabbage patch doll the cabbage patch kids yeah universe it's like the tourist attraction of cabbage patch kids but mainly to to understand the ickiness we're referring to it is a place where you can see cabbage patch kids get born yeah and it's the main show it is as good as you imagine i think as far as just the the the terminology they use and the visuals and everything else uh real quick though i'd like to let's get the um again like let's just speaking of sugar let's get the holiday

season start started off right uh here even though i guess you know it's holiday november we're almost at thanksgiving but we should because i have got you guys both boxes of Pandora Flakes. Yay! Wow. Geez, you found it. I found Pandora Flakes at Target in Burbank over here. I, of course, have a box as well. And if you haven't heard us talking about this, Tony the Tiger, it's Frosted Flakes

with basically Blueberry Captain Crunch Pieces Inside Like the Crunch Berries Sweeties No they wouldn't be Marbots Not Marbots They are Sweeties

I suppose These are definitely Sweeties And then They're Flakes and Sweeties Okay Is what the deal is And Tony has Oh it kind of illustrates

The difference between Flakes and Sweeties Yes Though the flakes are Sweet They are Sugary sweet they're frosted but wow frosted flakes with blue crunch berries in it i mean that's like a game changer

for me is it i remember well i remember when crunch berries were the game has been changed when crunch berries were just red and then they're like, guess what? They're also blue and purple now. I was like, let's fucking go. Yeah. No, I mean, that's good. I certainly like that low energy, let's fucking go. Let's go. Jason invented the phrase as an eight-year-old.

Yeah. Low energy eight-year-old. Let's fucking go. My parents were like, can you not use that word? You are eight years old so you were grounded for a year but yeah the cereal so it was worth it um some details now that i'm seeing this up close the the box is crawling with the crons oh yeah lots of those i think i want to say we're going to learn all about this in uh feliz navidad the way of winter

but pronunciation we may have been saying it wrong i feel like having just seen the movie again might be ikron you might have a strong start yeah yeah ikron um so there's yeah tons of those nice to see him um it's a real just resolute determined tony yeah he's stoic heroic whatever you would use to describe him more going on subtly it's the it's the face we know but the eyebrow pose yeah he's just he's ready for brow is furrowed ready for adventure he's not again been avatared he's seemingly on pandora with a new sort like multi-colored bandana and he's up for some sort of adventure so he yeah well which you got to be concerned because one of the main reasons that uh earth beings i was not i can't

say humans but because he's a tiger people from not even people i'm sorry i was right earth beings go to pandora to pilfer and mine and and pillage And I hope he's there to help him. I hope he's not a Parker Selfridge. Miles Quaritch, you dropped the ball. You dropped the ball. The company sent me to take over. I'm... He's worse?

Yeah, he's worse. He's a tiger. So yeah, he might like... He's got some higher ferocity than just like some mean army guy. I'm going to export flakes from Pandora. Pandora is full of flakes and I will rob them of all their natural resources. Their flakes are 3% sweeter.

This is a little goofy. Yeah. Well, I should be able to do because i do the other thorough ravens bro yeah yeah yeah mike i just want to say uh bellowie i meant great group mind before you even revealed these yeah i had pulled up the uh fandom page on the avatar wiki uh because i couldn't pull the term tree of souls i was going to say babyland general hospital sort of like the tree of souls for the cabbage patch well there's a tree in this there's a tree involved here yeah there's a nasty ass tree i think uh we'll we'll talk more about

pandora flakes as we get closer to december i think because you will have to have a full review we'll all review it obviously yeah though let. Though let's stay away, just from personal experience, let's stay away from the calling it snack or whack or anything related to... Okay, that's fair. I've been through the ringer lately. I bet. Legally, yeah. Let's leave podcast segment division lines up.

Very good. Okay. Very excited to have these. This has given me the spirit of Civico. And... Oh, well, just one more thing. Just this bandana that's covered with a design of, that's another Avatar specific that we will learn, but those kind of like billowy, the little like insect

that are just sort of like flying jellyfish that are like so slight and petite. You see them in that quiet moment. Quiet moment, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quiet moment on the ride. I love those guys. Just sort of like flying jellyfish that are so slight and petite. You see them in that quiet moment. Quiet moment, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quiet moment on the ride. I love those guys. Yeah.

Thought about buying a Christmas ornament of those, and it was like the cheapest plastic for like $30. To make what you, like, you just got to make it out of dental floss. That's what you got to do. Yeah, you're right. And like a scoop of jelly you know um all right well this is among the thing we will have this all down pat we will know the names of everything all the mythology as the world might in successive way of water um but today we go from not not to somewhere as exotic as the world of Pandora, but to Cleveland, Georgia, that is.

It's Cleveland, Georgia. And we are sent there. This has been on the topic list for a long time as suggested by Amanda Hasaka. Thanks, Amanda. Sorry it took a minute to get to it but now that we have i'm like well this should not have taken so long because this is some this is some ptr ass shit it is uh it is it is very strange it is very unsettling yeah and it's uh you know you gotta love anything that is an excuse to to dive into a pop culture mythology that we have never done we just talked about

monster cereals uh yeah it's somewhere between that and like the specificity of it that it's a weird product that hasn't had a lot of like i mean there are like animated specials and stuff i'll get into it's somewhere between that and like in a barney right so with that said i was gonna say there's also a guy there's a new guy here there's also a guy. There's a new guy here. There's definitely a guy. There's a new guy. Yeah. They kind of don't even tread around.

It's like, he's kind of a thief. Yeah. He's kind of a thief. I, well, the only, the only thing that holds me back from giving him full guy credit is just the lack of information about him. I feel like if we knew he seems to like stay in the shadows to stop us from knowing the extent of his guyness. Well, did you look, did you watch the,

I watched a little vice piece on this that interviews one Martha Nelson Thomas's husband. Yes. Yeah. I watched that. So they're all pretty clear on what they feel. I think they would all label this gentleman a guy for sure i think he's a guy yeah yeah yeah no no for sure he is i just like we're missing out on because he's essentially been silent since like 1986 so we don't really know how much guyness i wish there's probably a treasure trove of stories if only

we knew he's he's a smart guy yeah guy in quotes because most of these guys after they do their guy stuff they keep talking and doing other guys and they yes yeah yeah they have to reset entirely he had a court case and they settle out of court and he's like quietly disappeared from the public eye with his millions of dollars. Shocking. Shocking to just go quietly into the night. Is it? Well, let me suggest this not to like sub, sub define or disagree because guy has been in my head since we started talking about Xavier Roberts, the creator of cabbage.

Well, the definer maybe of it.'s a good he under like he added some mythology to it but yes is it possible that's true i didn't know that the cabbage patch kids had enemies until i sat down and listened to their album of course oh boy okay well that's a tease that's something i don't know oh boy uh uh the i'm not to disagree with with the guyness but is it is that does it is it possibly a disqualifier from him being a guy that he hasn't just run his mouth to his own ruin is that let me suggest this is it possible that he was a guy and then he got smart unlike most guys well he's that's a good point what defines a guy is it that a guy has to just not he could can they not be stopping until they're dead do they have to continue doing guy

things until they're dead or can you be a guy once and then kind of like learn from your mistakes right now we don't know he's not if he's been redeemed or anything it's just that he he did a thing once and then made a lot of money off of it yeah um but yeah he's not as well documented as the other guys who are constantly need attention i think probably for for the best maybe we should talk a little about broader Cabbage Patch Kids stuff, and then we can land in this tourist hub, Cabbage Patch Kids Central. Probably, if you're familiar with Cabbage Patch Kids, it's always presented as major 80s thing.

It is like, because there's always, when you're defining eras, you always got to go to the the toy it's the it's the tickle me elmo like the the giant fad and it's a very early 80s fad and that that was huge but it still remains around but the main go-to probably a lot of people have is um violence yes in my head it's always this has been presented my whole life that this didn't just get popular it got to be vigilante mob insanity the lack of availability of the yes news local knives on shot of people banging on the window screaming people upset cut there's a picture of one i don't forget

which video it is but like close upon someone's like a big cut on their leg from the violence that they uh endured during one of these uh like openings of a store uh yes these this this has been mythologized i feel like at this point but it is true oh yeah well i mean people get crazy that later waves. I remember the Tickle Me Elmo craze and certainly the Power Rangers craze. I was more directly invested in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

People going nuts. My question is, was there a Cabbage Patch Kids Stampede three times? And we've just seen this footage milked for all it's worth. That's a good question. Or did it happen hundreds of times are there listeners who like lost a loved one in a cabbage patch stampede i'd like to introduce there's a character i don't know a person i should say he's a character but he has a fun character name um that's a guy i watch on youtube and his name is pixel dan he's one of my toy guys now toy guy guy meaning good guy not guy like when we say this to me is like you know when

yeah if there's some just character we want to introduce it's not always guy with a capital g yeah like the one we just talked about george clooney's hairdresser sometimes it's just a name yeah the listeners need to be aware of to understand the show you need to understand yeah the inflection when we say guy we really we need to make sure we underline what we're talking about. Yeah, because Pixel Dan is kind of a different beast than Waldo Sanchez. Yeah, Pixel Dan is a toy blogger. He's been around forever. Vlogger.

He wrote a book on Masters of the Universe. He just wrestled Matt Cardona on a show. Unapplicable. Bloodiest thing I've ever seen. Pixel Dan was bleeding refusely uh but he was interviewing his mother who worked at venture who i which i've talked about before which is a like targety type place um that we used to go to in the midwest and she has she had a store like story about cabbage patch very similar to the news stories of like people aggressively outside so i think there's probably truth is maybe it wasn't ever like constantly everywhere but

it probably wasn't just you know once or twice once or twice yeah maybe the violence was only in a few places it was just like a crowd worked into a lather yes yeah it kind of doesn't happen nowadays because one you can just order anything off the internet uh or like even like secondary uh aftermarket on the internet secondhand the other thing is that like you talk when people with like um kids like above like five or six nowadays they're just like they just want roblox gift cards they just want fortnight gift cards so there's unlimited amount of those you know right sure i'm trying to think yeah what was the last thing i mean people still will camp out kind of to get video games or line up at a game stop or a best buy but it's not like... It's about getting things first, but not necessarily. You're going to get it.

You're going to get it. And yeah, I'm trying to think. Like the toys I buy, certainly when they started the Turtles Neck Align, they were making a lot less of them. So sometimes you would walk into a Target and you would see a guy that's like in a Camp Crystal Lake shirt that's about your age and you'd make eye contact with him

and you knew you were both headed to the same section. Oh i've had this happen a few times wow you'd like fake him out and go buy some paper towels no you can't you don't have time you don't have time to fake him out jason you got to head back to that electronic section and it's hard to get to go look at the neca section so you get the big thing of paper towels and you you accidentally throw it out yeah yeah yeah whoops so i've seen there's a little minor versions of like what do we go yeah we're both okay and then like we both are like kind of like circling like i'm hunting through the shell going there's nothing here there's nothing okay can you like because you can sort of go like the the north aisle above or the south aisle yeah

which way do you go because sometimes you can cut through like the women's clothing section or something and that'll kind of cut down on some time if you if you're not just going to go on the normal whatever store lanes because if you do yeah you can make a straight line from the entrance to the electronic section or you can actually go around throw a bunch of stuff on really quick disguise yourself as like a dowager now he's like oh that's just like a grandma shopping for a grandson. I don't have to worry about it. And then you toss it all off. And psych, I am an older 30-something looking for a toy. Oh, do they have Tokon Rezar's animated figures here? Oh, I must get these for my grandson.

Oh, okay. Well, here you go, miss. If it's for your grandson, then. Oh, you go all the way. You talk to him as the character. I do a character. You know, i was here for the last one but maybe i ought to have some heart and give this bearded older woman this tall bearded

older woman sunny do you have is that a chrome dome deluxe figure my grandson really he must have it is it okay if i i'll gal pay you something i'll make you a cup of porridge in exchange for it oh you're from england then yes i am porridge uh so yeah that's that's a version so i've seen minor versions of uh panic sure when you know something's limited there is a thing but yeah mostly it's uh guys pushing 40 that are running back to electronic section aggressive who never exchange words and certainly not blows these with these southern moms in the early 80s they're like go they they can't wait to scratch each other's faces off this is like wrestling something men are like oh god i made eye contact or shit yeah you're right the 80s

southern moms were like cutting wrestling promos on each other in the aisles like with so much profanity the ones who get it are so just like gloaty i got yes i got it like they're and shoving it in the other one's faces was this a better time when america's ed was focused on getting new popular toys and then later on it's just like turns towards politics we had a new toy every year that every kid was like insane for and the parents had to like spend months trying to acquire so you put all the negative energy all the hateful energy yeah into that yeah yeah well because they're an argument to be made that the Cabbage Patch Riots are the original January 6th. Someone's working on their documentary filmmaking. They didn't storm the Babyland Hospital.

Or did they? Free the baby. Well, that's... You also, like... I mean, if you're... The whole thing, the QAnon thing is, like, babies getting drained for their... What's the adrenal adrenochrome. I had ivermectin in my head.

That's a that's the fake. That's a good conspiracy. Yes, that's what that helps you. Adrenochrome is the thing that's in baby. I mean, you know, if I were in Georgia and I was obsessed with this stuff, I might start putting my eyes on Cleveland, Georgia and that hospital because they have a lot of like fancy made up tonics and medicines. They're putting a magicillin. They're putting a magicillin in the dolls.

They're putting a magicillin into the mother cabbage. Wait, isn't it magicillin? I saw, I've definitely seen a magic-sillin'. I thought it was magic, wait, hold on. I thought it was like imagination. Or it could have changed at some point. Magic-sillin' does not seem unfamiliar, but I for sure saw a magic-sillin' with an eye. They're saying a magic-sillin' doesn't hurt these dolls.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it. That is a weird, that is a very weird thing to say. Now, this Imagicillin is not going to hurt or harm the cabbage patch. Now, they're talking about the COVID vaccine as gene therapy. They're doing gene therapy at the Babyland Hospital with Imagicillin, and they're telling you, they're doing all sorts of experiments here. They're putting TLCc in these babies okay i think they're putting three other

words mku mk ultra and then they'll be activated we need to see these babies grow up let's see if they turn into you never see them grow up because maybe they don't because maybe they oh yeah into a back room uh drained of the adrenochrome and the tlc the tlc is reused brand it brand it with xavier roberts initials oh god yeah yeah okay okay okay so yeah we gotta step back to keep barreling ahead uh where did this come from where and and also the you know we have a new basically with this with couch touch kids we have a new element to the G-rated version of where babies come from. Storks are involved. There are storks in this, too.

But this adds a big new step, which is that babies come out of cabbages. That they are grown out of the earth like plants. Instead of the head of a cabbage, it's a baby's head. It's a baby's head it's a baby's head and somehow and at some point in the process the baby is shorn of its leaves presumably although actually this the the tourist place we're talking about clarifies the difference where the leaves aren't on the baby we'll get into it we'll explain it but uh so crazy mythology these things blow up maybe primarily just on the basis of they are cute and everyone is different and this this cloth

style is new and appealing to people and it all comes in theory from xavier roberts who was referred to in all of their media as a soft sculpture artist well he was a soft sculpture artist who uh started uh designing this these uh these little people and uh and it's all it's all a little it's a little hazy they don't got a lot to say about xavier roberts because mike you have implied, and which is illustrated in this vice thing, he stole it from a nice woman. A very unassuming, nice woman who didn't want anything like mass marketed or commercialized named Martha Nelson Thomas. Who wanted the opposite of what happened. Yes. She wanted like to make nice custom dolls.

For people. not for like a mod of profit or anything she liked to paint and do things she was an art teacher and a folk artist and like xavier roberts comes to town like and sweet talks her and it's like i'm gonna sell some of these dolls for you and i guess for a little while she let him do it he was working at some sort of park type setting and either ran the gift perhaps did not run the gift maybe worked in the gift shop it might have been a lower tier gift shop i'm sure who took these things they sold very quickly then yeah then he asked for more and she said i don't know if i feel comfortable with this i think this man is

going to steal the idea yes and then he did and that's what happened she was right uh and pretty quickly yeah he uh he just took it and took the designs and which is funny because in the like looking at them now you're like they're not the greatest looking dolls in the world but i think for the time maybe it was like oh these are kind of interesting and cute and the idea of it was unique a little bit unlike a lot of things that have come up on the show where there is the question of is it cute or not or i'm supposed to think it's cute and then i think it's abhorrent i don't think they're abhorrent i think they are blank i think these are like they're they're just they're straight down the middle c they just they're just kind of these dumb plops there that is a funny way to describe it

especially like the certain boy ones that are just like like blank stare featureless bald like you're like huh like this is a very strange like yeah neutral expression you get cuter you're right if you have kind of like yarn hair and pigtails or a little puff up top but yeah just zero anything it's kind of like how is this a phenomenon yeah there's oh there's some of those like there's some that have like a big bright orange head of hair which are funny like some of them are funny i that's like kind of the best compliment i can give is like some of them have like a little red white and blue outfit and they have like a big uh flock what is it flock what i always forget the word here shock thank you jesus losing my mind uh of like red hair and you're like this is a real funny looking character but yeah yeah they're

they're they've never been something that i was as a kid we're like oh my god we got to get we got to get one of these let me ask were they around your house did you have one as a kid um we had one uh yeah at all sisters there was one was not a uh it's not a cray i think she had multiple american girls that one stuck more yes but only one just and pretty like beat up perpetual like got dirtier and dirtier as the years went yeah we had one other other companies would take the idea and make them different like we had we had some sort of a cabbage patch kid but it does not loom large in my kid memory with my sister. She had two Dreamland babies, which were the same premise, I think, as this, where you would get a birth certificate and you would write the name on there. The kid needs to come with paperwork.

We need to get them accustomed to government regulation. It doesn't have to be legal. Supposedly, Xavier's innovation was adding the paperwork to the cabbage patch dolls yeah okay she didn't have all the like the stuff surrounding it or she made him look different but he added this whole i guess this was maybe a big innovation we overlooked too that it's it is a true adoption process yes this is a big part in humanizing this isn't just some doll it's part of selling the illusion you also have this paper and the paper has the foot stamps and the hand stamps and a name that no other cabbage that no other cabbage kid has right um but we had dreamland babies and those we play we play with those a lot my sister had two of them and the bit

that she developed at an early age was that she was really nice to one and really mean to the other pretty good solid bit yeah she would always like chastise one of them but like self-awarely knew that it was funny that she was doing it yeah yeah she was being mean to one and super nice to the other i think similarly i might have had one uh i definitely had a my buddy i like oh yeah i had my buddy i had my buddy actually wow but the thing i remember more was the glow worm do you remember it it looks like a little yeah yeah little baby kind of glow worm have a birth certificate i don't really remember hmm i but i remember this face i'm sure the glow room i had is still sitting somewhere in my mom's house have i told the story here before about the my buddy doll

that went around the time when i was the same size as the my buddy doll my mom walked into the bedroom and saw my buddy face down on the ground and thought it was me but it was not it was just the doll i thought something was wrong i'm shocked that didn't happen in my household because for a long long time i had the same haircut as my buddy and i was the same size as my buddy for too long for a decade starting high school i finally had a little spurt it It's going to happen with Jane. Jason! You remember him, right? Oh, yeah.

Because he's Chuck. I'm surprised you're for Chucky. Oh, I guess so. Yeah, yeah. That very, like, bowl cut. Super sweet. Yeah, this was sinister. Great song. Love the song.

Great song. Great shirt. I always remember going, like, this guy's got a cool shirt. Yeah, that's very, like, when I think the the era we were toddlers in yeah for sure that i would wear that shirt now yeah definitely um so uh okay uh stolen from this woman uh turns into like a billion dollar business like beyond success so crazily successful especially out of the gate settled with her at some point it did they did go down the lawsuit path it took a while she did not want to according to her husband her husband

who seems like a real sweet guy who has like her doll still in that vice that documentary everyone here's what's interesting about it uh if you did you watch the whole vice thing jason did you see this i didn't see the vice one everyone like her and her husband, they're all seething with rage still. But they're all very soft spoken. And they all have the dolls still. Like the lawyer has her dolls like behind him in the law office. And they're always like, you know, like Martha was a sweet woman. And Xavier shouldn't have.

Like you can tell they like want to kill this guy still. Yeah, yeah. They're so mad at him. The old southern man. Yeah, yeah. But they have such reverence as much as he can but they have such reverence for martha and they feel so bad still but then they and i don't know maybe they set it up for the shots camera shots but they all have the original dolls like her her husband has this like doll in jeans which is really good i'm like that at least that's really that's a funny looking doll at least i like i like the look of this guy um but yeah at a certain point i think

she was pushed to do something because it was like they couldn't stand seeing this guy make so much money off of her designs so yeah i think they said it took five years before it ever went to trial or almost got close and then they just settled wow so and he was good so she got they got something they got something the husband wouldn't say what it was because he says legally they can't say but she said oh my kids will go to college now but okay i think maybe she was asking only for like a million dollars wow which he says it wasn't about that it was about you know our time together was the the time we shared and the places we went this these seem

this seems like a wonderful world of people that was taken advantage of by a guy who i'm about to show you i hope it's a picture shirtless yeah yeah yeah i saw that with a cowboy hat surrounded i mean like fetch kids one of the characters on righteous gemstones or something like yeah yeah so oh righteous gemstones is right on the one that's been in my head there's a quick interview of him on something i'll refer to a couple times called pm magazine that covered this place and it's a uh there's a david Cross character on season four, Mr. Show, from the sketch Prenatal Pageants. Oh, yeah. Where there's pageants done with ultrasound where they, like, dress up the fetuses.

Right. And he's being interviewed. It's similarly just kind of like lo-fi seedy interview where he says, like, what I can do with these fetuses is literarily a miracle. He is that kind of. It's this, like, sinister southern that's just even though he's saying nice things and they love the babies and they love to take care of the babies it's just slick talking kind of like televangelist vibe too yeah where you're like i all i can you

you just can't help but get a sense of like oh Oh no. Like that's what Martha saw in him. Like, Oh, this guy's going to take advantage of you. She was right. Like she got the sense. She got the correct idea. Then the way it played out,

I forget if this was in the vice thing or something else, but where he, uh, he, he called to like get his order, his next order from her. And she said, I don't know if I'm willing to do that.

And he said, well, from you or from somewhere else, I will get my babies and that was that might have been the last they spoke oh my god so was he a soft sculpture artist i don't know that not a lot of information so this all right so we've heard one side of the story yeah maybe this guy worked his way up from a gift shop and stole an idea and became a billionaire but we haven't heard their side of the story let's hear the corporate party line on

xavier roberts yeah go ahead go ahead xavier roberts was a 10 year old boy who discovered the cabbage patch kids by following a bunny bee behind a waterfall into a magical cabbage patch where he found the cabbage patch babies being born to help them find good homes he built baby land general in cleveland georgia where the cabbage patch kids could live and play until they were adopted right so he was this goes back um all right uh martha was it uh are you aware that xavier's connection goes back to when he was but 10 years old? Yes. Right. Yeah.

This is the storyline origin of Xavier Woods. Which I just love that Xavier, not professional wrestler Xavier Woods. It's just like, you know, there's the stories of now there's like, you know, Walt arrived in Hollywood with Mickey Mouse and there's some versions of that, but I don't, it does. It isn't like Walt found a, like a glen of mice. Recently they've done that. We're like the suitcase in a dream story where Mickey comes out to Hollywood

and meets Walt. Like they've added some extra levels of that lately. There's no, there's no Walt as no walt as a 10 year old and he met this mouse and he i don't think so he bred him he he walt 10 year old walt met two mice uh told him do your business turned his back he was uh he was he was a good boy uh but then then a baby mouse was born and he said i'm taking this and i'm taking him to hollywood and like yeah walt and like like kamato y taking this and I'm taking them to Hollywood. And like, yeah, Walt, like,

like Kamato Yoshin and the turtles, uh, the rat learned from his human master. And then that's why he became, uh, you know, an anthropomorphic, uh,

rat. So this is the same store, basic story. Can I just add on Scott? Because there's, there's a few more details of that, uh, Canon.

Please. Uh, uh, first off the, the specifically the phrasing uh this is just on wikipedia that he found the cabbage patch kids in quote a neglected garden and furthermore they were gonna die well not quite they were gonna be cheap labor to save them from being abducted to work in the gold mines operated by the villainous Lavender McDade. No! Under two cohorts in crime, Cabbage Jack and Bo Weasel,

young Roberts tried to save them by finding loving parents who would adopt them and keep them safe in our homes. Okay, well, go ahead. I have more to add to this story too that's on the actual website okay wait please do i just want to make sure i know can you tell me those names again for my notes lavender uh lavender mcdade lavender mcdade cabbage jack cabbage jack and bow weasel here's a picture of them from an animation oh my god oh lavender mcdade you best they were gonna have to go work

in a gold mine yeah so it's established that there is a like darth vader and grand moff tarkin of the cabbage patch universe that's interesting and now well this on the website for baby land they have like a chat like five chapters five or six chapters of the story. Oh, yes. And then there's another character they introduce here, that Matt Xavier, his name is Otis Lee, one of the Cabbage Patch Kids. And they say, Xavier smiled and shook hands with his new friend. What is a Cabbage Patch Kid, he asked. Otis Lee explained Cabbage Patch Kids are kids and babies of all sizes and shapes that are born in the secret cabbage patch and then he explained that the bunny bees flying around all spring uh sprinkle magic crystal dust on the

mothers on the mother cabbages and the magic causes cabbage patch kids to be born in the cabbage patch so what was the kind of dust it is magic crystal dust okay uh and then did you come to help us find homes of our own Otis Lee asked Xavier thought about this question Very carefully And then he said yes Which he didn't That is not why he came

He's lying there Because he was a 10 year old Just following a bunny bee Yeah He's probably wanted to eat it Exactly So then Xavier promised Otis Lee That he would build a special place

Called Babyland General Where all the Cabbage Patch kids And babies can live and play Until someone adopts them and takes them home so that's another element that's another part of the lore of a 10 year old xavier so within this is a regular kid by the way this is none of this is in like a magical this isn't set in magic adonia this is in cleveland georgia cleveland all this is cleveland georgia so he is just a regular kid in cleveland georgia in what in the uh like late 60s probably and he within five minutes learns there's something called a bunny bee sees magic crystal dust figures out that babies are growing out of cabbage heads but that also lavender mcdade is there and then a weasel and

they're gonna take them to a mine and then promises to build them a hospital this all i mean what an incredible change in your life i wish i'd had such a moment in my life that changed everything so thoroughly in a matter of minutes. Yeah. I mean, what an origin story for Xavier, the hero of the story. Yeah. So there. Now you want to take this 10-year-old to court after everything.

Think about how selfless he was. Yeah. He followed that bunny bee and saw some helpless babies and said i will build you a hospital to grow safely and an element of this the of the lawsuit we were talking about is that i think it was tougher because martha did not like sign her name to the dolls basically they were like she had photos of like her and the dolls prior to when xavier was starting to sell them so i think that helped but there was something like copyright law was like she never like signed the doll there was never any sort of like i don't know i don't know what you would even call it like official

confirmation that way yeah there was exactly which is xavier is a weaselly guy smart enough to put his name on all these dolls and i remember that as a kid too going like what is this there's a signature on this doll's butt he signs all the baby's butts this is so so they leave this out two of the origin stories really what i'm getting at is like and he goes and i'll open baby land in general and i'll sign each child's butt like that's not even in there but it is part of the story and they're leaving it out wait break that up do just do just the first part so wait say the first part of the promise and i'll open a baby land general yeah oh thank you oh you're so sweet and i'll sign every baby's butt and you you what now what's that man i'll put my signature on every baby's butt like on on mine, too? Yeah, that's my reward for helping all the babies is they'll never forget

my name, Xavier Roberts. But I don't, I'm alive now. I don't need a signature that you don't own me. No, hey, turn around. Turn around. Oh, no.

You turn around, Otis Lee. I can't assure. Just writing it in there. Hey, is this like a do-it-yourself trademark where you mail yourself a song you wrote or a script you wrote? Shut up. I know what I'm doing writing it in there. Hey, is this like a do-it-yourself trademark where you mail yourself a song you wrote or a script you wrote?

Shut up. I know what I'm doing. You turn around. I'm signing your butt. He's shoving us into envelopes. Sending us to the bad novice. I've got an old school quill pen. It's extra sharp.

When Desi Lou gets a hold of this, ooh, they're going to be impressed. Desi Lou, right? They're going to turn this into a TV show. Was that true? No, you put it in. Desilu gets a hold of this. Ooh, they're going to be impressed. Desilu, right? They're going to turn this into a TV show. What? Was that true? No, you put it in an envelope. That's what we were always told, I feel like, in college.

Oh, the poor man's copyright. Yeah, poor man's copyright. What does Desilu have to do with it? They were like a big television producer, so they would want to know that television. They would? Huh? Why them? Just if you were trying to copyright a creative idea

you would want to take it to somewhere who would make it into something and make you money like the old company desilu they were around for a long time but you're saying you could have easily have said like merv griffin product you're just saying that as a production company pulled merv griffin productions i proved like Productions. I pulled their big competitor. So you're saying instead of sending it to a copyright office, they're like the government with a poor amount of copyright. You send it to yourself, and then you can show it to Desilu when you send them their copy.

And I own this. So all you have to do is just put babies in an envelope, send it to Desilu Productions, and that will be it. I'm going to go back. I'm going to edit this line in to make this work a little bit better. I'm going to make a TV show out of this. I'm sending the letter to go back. I'm going to edit this line in to make this work a little bit better. I'm going to make a TV show out of this. I'm sending the letter to someone important. And now you say, oh, Desilu.

Oh, Desilu Productions. Yeah. We're a big production company right now. Got it. Got it. Oh, Ryan. Amblin Entertainment. All right.

We sorted it out. Now, the story was made into a tv show which i think probably is what the still you just showed jason is from this they there is a special called cabbage patch kids first christmas um this also there's another character still there's a stork colonel casey oh yeah colonel k i love colonel casey you do yeah he's maybe my favorite guy about him he's a big stork he looks just like the vlasic pickle he looks just like the vlasic pickle and i'm a big fan of the vlasic pickle stork i do like him yes yeah i guess that's but i guess that's why i like him too uh sure i like him um so uh this is

a good this is one of the best boys there's ever been he the selflessness he and he went right to it he got this hospital built um well i don't know i mean look the babies if they were keeping track of this plan they may be like he said i'm gonna build you a hospital what he didn't say was i'm gonna build you a hospital in success in several decades but for now but first i'm going to take an abandoned hospital that's pretty fucking narrow and claustrophobic and we'll hang there for a while for like a couple decades and then we'll see right that's probably what he should have said so he lied to the babies too because he lied to otis lee in there he lied to otis He looked Otis Lee in the eyes and he lied. But he did open a facility. So as the Cabbage Patch phenomenon is blowing up,

I don't know when this opened exactly, but in his hometown, Cleveland, Georgia, he finds an old medical... And this isn't the best documented thing ever. You can kind of see. There's a video I'm going to play maybe in a second. But this is a picture, of the street that this magical place is on this is a sidewalk free brown grass uh this is just like suburb shit yeah i mean now the location is very grand it's this huge farm essentially right it's

massive but like i couldn't believe when i saw this shitty van roll up down this shitty street with a gas station at the end and then pull up to what looks like bungalows it looks like when the elementary school has to expand and they don't i don't know but we need it in three months go it's it's not the finest facilities i will say no it's it's depressing i mean i understand you got to start somewhere but yeah it doesn't seem like the promise was fulfilled of the majesty early on not so much um now the main way you can see this original facility is from a profile on pm magazine as i was saying i've run into pm magazine before this is a big source of like great early 80s pleasant aesthetics the brown 80s that i chase the family ties 80s it's great music throughout it's uh it's

great graphics pleasant anchors uh so i was delighted that they had covered this i think i may have seen this a couple years ago uh regardless of this episode um but it really gives you a window into the the vibe of this place um which was weirder before i would say now because i think we've watched footage of the the post 2009 version there's a little bit of magic to the current place it's like it's a production it's got some of that like american girl store kind of elevated quality but yeah this is just it's hallways and but it is where the the ethos began of babyland general hospital which in keeping with the brand it's not just a place it's not a store it's not where you buy dolls right it's where you adopt babies and babies have to be tended to as well so that is why this place

they change the diapers they powder the babies they they take care of their they feed them and so you'd go through this facility and look in the windows and there would be people in lab coats putting powder on cloth babies and fake feeding food into cloth. And they and they just had to keep this ruse up all day because kids are passing by all these windows. So this was a job you could have in Cleveland, Georgia in the early 80s. It's like shoving mush into a cloth face yeah and this is before like georgia was like a big like production central where like maybe you can work as an actor in georgia because this is early desilu rolled in and changed the game i guess cnn would have been there like you know i guess by that point yeah yeah turner would have been

there would have been stuff going on but not like now where there's like you know uh what's that british uh productions pinewood pinewood has like a location in atlanta now and uh marvel and marvel and yeah so you're saying this is the early days of show yeah this is the early days they started it yeah this is where when the magic came to georgia thank you xavier one georgia hallway monday through wednesday i'm at the sit-in marty croft indoor theme park thursday and friday i'm at baby land general i'm changing commuting much worse for thursday and friday it's always like this is like an hour hour 15 outside of uh atlanta i believe also if you're placing it i don't know in what what direction but you could if you're doing an atlanta trip and for some reason you want to see babies being

thrust out of the ground you could do this uh we have not done we have not been there full disclosure i apologize i think hopefully we can entertain you regardless if i end up in atlanta i'm gonna hit the restaurants anthony bourdain went to and then rent a car and drive to baby land great plan but x those are restaurants who cares go spend some time go see how babies are born this is the one this was one that broke j like i was showing her the video and she's like oh no like oh and i would say things like there's it's it gets weirder or like don't worry there's three minutes left yeah yeah well something to say to the listeners it gets weirder yeah uh it gets weirder in this location the uh i don't

know if they still do all this stuff but this was at least the original location uh babyland hospital performs corrective and cosmetic surgery including hair freckle and dimple transplants surgery costs from five dollars to eighty five dollars for twenty five dollars this i know they still do for twenty five dollars soiled cabbage patch babies can attend two to four week bath camps bath camps are kind of like skin peels for dolls Send your baby to bath camp Bath camp They're rounding up the babies They're putting them in the bath camps

You can And I know you can still do this today And all you have to do If you are in the need for In the market for cleaning your Cabbage Patch doll Just email bath.camp at cabbagepatchkids.com Fill out the form Send them your

I believe now it takes like two months is it that long i think so remember remember when we do the duffy episode a couple years ago and when i say remember probably not remember but somebody had figured out if they put duffy in a pillowcase in the dryer it would sometimes get rid of his smell oh that's a good for sneakers if you're gonna wash sneakers you can wash them in the washing machine. And then put them in a bag or something. Yeah, a laundry bag or a pillowcase when you put them in the dryer. So it might work for your cabbage patch towel. If you put it on low setting, maybe no heat.

Are you trying to steal business from the bath camps? Oh, maybe a little bit. The supply chains nowadays, it's all peels. It's all skin peels. It's taking two months. You believe that this is the ultimate sign biden's america path camps take two months now two months um let me play a little clip though of the weirdest okay i will pull now back up this clip of the depressing van driving down the

depressing street and um the narrator is gonna from pm magazine is gonna say some stuff but it's still gonna require us to go back and say what we saw so pay attention to this video um the results of this van driving down the street while we were watching isabel the baby land general ambulance went out on an emergency call baby land has surgical facilities for babies that are injured as well they should Because the adoption fees for a little person Aren't cheap They range from $125

To as much as $300 Some of the older babies There's a couch fetch doll and a gurney Being pulled out of an ambulance Yes And by well they said ambulance But it is a van It's definitely a van

It's not a visual real ambulance where they're like hey walk around it on the side without do it don't walk by the vans don't walk by the doors three people jump out in scrubs they pull out a full gurney i have a human like an adult sized gurney yeah and there's there's a doll lying on it this is just a blank doll sort of like drip medical drip whatever going on drawing on my doll with red marker to put the adrenaline shot in like mia wallace gather around children this is educational uh a doctor will come in a very heavily eye-shadowed doctor will come in and start explaining what this process is. Collectors items that are worth even more than that.

This patient was Jeremy Cordell. He's one of the newborn babies born without hair. He's suffering from a slight ear infection. We're curing that up with TLC. TLC is a drug that our hospital feels responsible for discovering. It's not used in most major hospitals. We hope they begin soon. It's tender loving care. We also use a lot

of Imagicillin here. These fever's gone down. We're treating them with Imagicillin. It helps on the fever a lot. Do you think you'll pull through? Oh, yes. We haven't lost one yet. What if they had? Really odd. Yeah, we hope he pulls.

Yeah, wait. Yeah, at the end of the story. By the way, Jeremy Cordell. 1982 to 1982. Dead today after opening fire on cops. The doll? The doll, yeah. That survived, but They gave him too much

Imagicillin And actually Gave him the ability To hold firearms And He killed a few He got his wish But they brought him down

In the end The doll came The camera In his room The video camera Malfunctioned exactly During the time That they say

Was cause of death Oh man The doll The doll came to life again I guess Well I guess in man dog the doll came to life again i get well guys in the end doll came to life then they cut to a woman like teaching a doll to walk again like rehabilitating really and then there's the the as jason mentioned the tlc this is one of the the medical uh you know the medicines i guess that they inject the but

it's just kind of filled in with a sharpie it's it's not the most and again these hallway like you saw what we were looking at and it's like a uh and it's like a weird sad elementary school it's uh it's i don't know what this like this was a real hospital people probably died in this yeah there were ghosts In there Yeah yeah Those ghosts had to have Gotten into the dolls

Well That's maybe That's how Chucky happened Yeah Or Robert The original Chucky Robert the doll

Robert the doll Annabelle They all Spent time at this hospital But Didn't work the way They thought it would Robert should have

Gone to this hospital Do you remember Robert Scott Do way they thought it would. Robert should have gone to this hospital. Do you remember Robert, Scott? Do you remember what he looked like? Didn't Eva see Robert in the flesh? Yes. Eva saw Robert. I don't think she took a picture. You're not allowed to.

Oh, you have to ask Robert. Wait, I'm sorry. Explain Robert again. Robert was the original haunted doll. Okay. It's like 100 years ago, 150 years ago. Jason's offended. Robert the doll.

Robert the doll. Robert the doll. Robert the doll. Is he in Key West now? Is he in a museum? He's in some sort of museum. And it was basically like a story of like a kid who like said like, oh, the doll made me do this stuff. And there was all these different stories around it.

Who knows what's exactly real. And now Robert is in. You should look him up because he's quite scary. Robert has like a felt face and he's wearing Like a sailor outfit And then at a certain point He was put in In a museum

And Basically you have to Ask Robert if it's okay Before you take a photo of him Because the legend is like Your picture won't turn out Oh my god If you don't

If you don't ask Robert Because he'll get upset But he's in a museum now Oh I remember Robert now And he's a scary looking doll But like There was There was a lot of lore And I've forgotten a lot of it but i think maybe he was even passed to a

different family and they also said the same stuff was happening spongy whole face yeah it's scary looking horrifying and but he's the original haunted doll by which my butt it's chucky is robert mixed with my buddy yeah okay okay yeah that mythology with the cute the 80s cuteness yeah um so that's really weird they uh suffering babies i don't know if that's just like a show they would run like there's kids in there who want to see cabbage babies being born but then they might run in with a dying little boy you want like when you're a kid you're not you're you're never playing like oh my, there's something majorly wrong. It's like, oh, my dolly has a scraped knee.

Let's put a band-aid on it. You're not like, my baby needs a blood transfusion. Like, it's usually not that. No, or it's more perverse. It's like, oh no, he fell down the stairs. And like, you throw it against a wall or throw it downstairs. Well, that's true, but you're doing that for fun. Yes, yeah, yeah.

It's not realistic. I mean, maybe some kids were like thinking of like true ailments. Yeah. Like terminal ailments. Do you know what his copay is? Is this in-network? Is this hotel?

Is Babyland General in-network or out-of-network? That's a good point. I'm not sure what they did you gotta call before you get there you gotta fill out for you you gotta wait six weeks to find out if they'll let you in or not i don't have a tlc i have a ppo i should be able to come here i have the choice i pay extra for this i pay for a magic care that should get me in i can get in anywhere I imagine is possible. There's also, I mean, what I find so uncomfortable,

and I think we're building ultimately to the birthing ceremony, and what I find so uncomfortable about all of this is the mix of fairytale fantasy and then just very realistic, mundane things about medical procedures. This is not that that but i just want to give a quick taste of the the oath that you have to get you have to give a pledge when you get one of these stuff so you know it's just like there's you go and get little humans with their creators name stamped onto their butt and then you take an oath there's nothing to be

concerned about yes you have to go deep into the hills of georgia to do this yeah the backwoods yeah yeah it's way backwards don't worry about it um so uh so then you take yeah you take another or a vow if you will yeah he got the original keith renieri xavier roberts Xavier Roberts. So here's this. She was just sitting there so pretty, and she just reached out and grabbed me. Does she seem to have a personality of any kind? Yes. She's very happy and bouncy.

Here's her birth certificate that says she's yours. Oh, thank you. Did I miss the oath? I might have missed the oath. I apologize. Anyway, there's just an odd you have to repeat after me to be handed the birth certificate and they make children do this too yeah like moms have to help their kids through repeating this weird little ritual this is the

vibe of it is just so unnerving oh i love the yeah the babies so the motown the nice motown music cues they drop in. Don't soften it for you. No, she's got a personality already. She reached out and grabbed me. Yeah, that's the problem. We don't want them doing that. If an adult does that, run.

I don't, this is, honestly, this is so, I don't know if it's better or worse without the themed entertainment money. With the thematic environment money that they inject in it at the, first off, the second location of Babyland General. Yes. But this is more perverse.

The current moral panic, the current satanic panic, where it's just like, that librarian has blue hair. What are they telling our kids? Meanwhile, you have like, and you get the the doll and you get imagicillin and here's the doll's birthday it's like this is the most unnerving shit and every fucking lunatic in america would be like well it's so nice if you're in georgia you gotta go see the cabbage patch part of the english

oh my god they're indoctrinating our kids anyway you know what's nice is you go to the place where an old con artist signs baby's bottoms now that is wholesome entertainment all right well let's shift over to the other i i like the the question that you pose jason which is like which is creepy is it is it when it's this kind of like off the beaten path clearly indie enterprise is that weirder than what it is today which is a lot of magic and and it feels more imagineered it's not imagineering didn't do it presumably but somebody knew what they were doing themed entertainment wise right was part of it and i want to be a voice in favor of i actually while i'm creeped out by a lot of what you can watch from this place i think that the tree that

is the centerpiece of it is so well done it's shades of puro land to me that's yeah exactly yes absolutely i like where and where there's like like little bits of light and crystals glimmering like purely whoever designed it i i think did a good job yeah and there's there's elements of yeah the new one where like you see the stork room and again i like that stork a lot um there's some weird stuff like there's an incubator with cabbage patches in like kids heads in the cabbages which i don't understand exactly how the the physics of this because i think there's a baby growing under the cabbage as well but maybe not so there's some of that but some of the rooms are nicely imagineered as well i feel i think so i think there's a sheen to it the property

is incredible i don't know if this was also purchased and this is a pre-existing thing and it's a little you makes you nervous to ask what it was because it looks like a plantation absolutely it does i don't know what this was it definitely has a plantation it looks like a little more modern, maybe, but it's certainly, you know where you are in America, and you look at it, and you go, It's very southern. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Did you build this building from scratch? And if so, this was a choice? Interesting. Interesting. All right. Oh, if now they made a current. Yeah, if it's from SPAC.

I bet it's not new but i don't know it's like we should have looked into the building 2.5 million dollars the new facility opened in 2009 it's so recent so recent yeah so this thing which like you think of this thing as an early 80s craze but then this like massive themed cabbage patch place new in the last 15 years right it's crazy yeah yeah and that's as long as avatar that's true it's wild because you see some of the video as much as i say like some of the some of the imaginary stuff is good it's like i would i would believe it if it's if they said all this stuff's all been here since 1989 and they've like made it a little bit better aesthetically like when i said

it's like pure land if pure land was built in 1990 it feels like a well-imagined thing from 1990 yes exactly so it doesn't feel like 2009 no but i guess i like that about it because they're i think they'll always it always be an inherently retro thing about cabbage patch kids um yeah so so i would be interested to see the full like how it's all i still don't get a great sense of exactly how it's laid out because the videos i watched are kind of in segments sort of like you see oh here's this here's this it seems like it's massive it seems like there's big dead spaces in the building it seems like there's an odd vibe in there i also don't know why they need so much outdoor space unless again unless xavier started thinking about the plans of his of lavender was it his opponents lavender mcdade lavender yeah he may maybe as the years went by he became a lavender

mcdade and like why so why this property and why now and why is there so much outdoor space for what's just one indoor exhibit? Perhaps there are gold mines we don't know about. Perhaps the babies are all being shoved into the mines. Let me throw this out. Maybe he's lost his mind and he thinks he can actually build a real cabbage patch that makes humans. So this has all been part of phase one. He's been quiet because he's working on this in a lab somewhere.

It's important that I not be too public facing because I have my work to do and i don't want people to start calling me a quack okay he's he's been living somewhere maybe on an island he's dressed as marlon brando from dr moreau and he's got a little version of himself it's a cabbage patch doll come to life built in his image little xavier little xavier this one reached out and grabbed me and that's when i knew it was special and it was coming with me he's playing the piano while uh is the little version of him is playing the piano on top of the piano sometimes like somebody comes to check in on him like he like they traversed the world to like i'm here to tell you that we're cutting off the funding oh really oh is that so well yeah um well you should maybe speak to some of my assistants and then he snaps and then a bunch of freak cabbage patches as tall as him who are nothing but limbs just elbows and knees all like

shove him into a cage they shove a needle full of a magicillin in his veins and they pump too much in you're like it's better there it's better in imagination it's better than where you're at where you're actually going my friend skin starts turning to cloth my friends and i'll make great use of your seaplane don't worry and then he's just one of the gang now he's in the corner Then the next guy who comes to say We're cutting off funding gets attacked by And then the cycle continues That's right

That's how he keeps it going Does the lab theory Of COVID Does the lab theory of COVID Account for the cabbage patch Dr. Moreau lab Island We recently discovered that it was lab theory of covid account for the cabbage patch dr moreau lab oh uh well last we we recently uh discovered that it was uh dr augustine's lab that had that covid came from oh that's right

yeah yeah i forgot about that yeah so so it's possible i don't think they've accounted for for this version of events but it is possible that in the genetic engineering of Cabbage Patch Kids that they accidentally came upon a virus that was so transmissible that it shut down the world and continues to wreak havoc. I think I might have some photos of some of his lab-born freaks.

They appeared at the opening of the 2009 version. Here are some giant cabbage patch. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's well,

I love that. It's a full UGG because that is an UGG for me. Uh, again, my, my, uh, big versions of things that are supposed to be small.

Look at these massive heads. These are hitting big babies. That's something I typically do not care for is a big baby. Yeah. No, thanks. These, I don't think these are hideous big babies that's something i typically do not care for is a big baby yeah no thanks these i don't think these are around very often and thank god correct decision baby land yeah no i don't think the big babies are common uh um but because they're all on an island at the midway point of musha key and little sage you just go halfway between xavier islands yeah uh yeah those are those are scary but why do you go here what is the reason and why do they need a new big fancy tree well it's for the ceremony and i think we now are backed into a corner where we

must discuss the ceremony. I'm going to just read a little bit of copy because, as we said, there's a big tree that is the centerpiece of this facility. And this is, I think, from their website because there's a copyright on what I'm reading. Mother Cabbage is always, first of all. Mother Cabbage. Mother Cabbage. They all come from, it's not individual Cabbage Head. Not every Cab cabbage patch kid has

a different cabbage head mother it is always essentially from mother cabbage from mother they all have the same mother so cabbage patch kids dare not date because they are all related that's a very good point um it's but mother cabbage is a tree well but it's unclear i think is the tree just part of it and the mother cabbage is a big patch these are here if i could finish the sentence mother cabbage is always on display beneath the branches of the magic crystal tree so we've discussed dust so these are actually these are two got it pieces so i think yeah there's one big cabbage entity that still appears as individual little sets of leaves but presumably if you went under the dirt you would see a big undulating mess of cabbage goop right so like mother cabbage is

actually 200 feet wide right and hideous to the human eye yeah but if you were one of their kids you'd say well she's beautiful and perfect that's very good very good point what does like like a cabbage that's a good question like is there a human face on mother cabbage under the dirt like a cabbage patch if i look up cabbage patch under might be more abstract like the uh it's probably just roots in reality yeah yeah i think although when you look up cabbage patch under earth it's just cabbage patch dolls a cabbage if i is there any way to look up cabbage patch real like what should i i'm not sure what you're thinking you're gonna find here is somebody that did maybe almost like a diagram of a real cabbage patch or what it looks like when

every cabbage just has roots and that's it there's no giant cabbage underneath right as opposed to this i'm just trying yeah i guess you're right there's no unless i'm wrong in assuming that it is a monster and maybe it's a big green angel and the leaves are her hair. Maybe Mother Cabbage is quite beautiful. It's possible that she's like a reverse Captain EO queen or something under the earth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. With lots of how she's kind of tentacled and tethered to a lot of things. Yeah. Oh yeah with lots of how she's Kind of tentacled and tethered to a lot of things Yeah but I guess really what I want to know Is because I looked up how her cabbage

Is grown and it's you know There's a big like you can kind of farm them In straight lines I'm wondering yeah is it all just a big Does it all lead somewhere or is it just roots And it all just helps I'm sure there's nothing It's got to be just roots right

I don't think there's some big cabbage mass pulsating cabbage i don't like a cabbage heart underneath a patch that's pulsating giving life to its baby cabbages you're you're trying to come up with some sort of like krakow the living island yes in marvel comics that is correct that all the x-men live on now correct you're expecting the cabbage bats to have a similar yes okay i don't think that i don't cabbage that we eat i don't think that when you have coleslaw that the pieces of that ultimately come from a beating heart all right fine i'll look into this but with enough of magicillin anything is possible that's why that's what makes the escape to atlanta georgia so special is right what you're saying is real there now look at those giant cabbages though up above ground so that's kind of what i'm imagining

underground jason take a look oh big cabbage so okay uh there's dust we've established so it here's how it works mother cabbage is different than other cabbage is under the ground all we see is cute cabbage heads right and there's a magic crystal tree above and the fanciful bunny bees do the pollinating right they make sure that the dust gets to the cabbage heads so that bald human cloth heads can pop out right um our magical cabbage patch is tended by our licensed patch doctors and nurses uh in the case of nurses that is an lpn that's a licensed patch nurse and i didn't make that up that's something they say um the and jump in at any point if i have missed i'm gonna try to say the process as best as i can and if i've missed it because we all i think we just i know we watched the same video that is

pretty it's something it is something the again technically impressive the trees and like the um machines uh involved uh i i don't want to give it away uh but technically impressive but yes unnerving vibes unnerving presentation extremely yes again just to like let's reset and think like this it's all kind of an extension of it's hard to explain to children where babies come from at some point sex needs to be part of the story and you don't want to explain that to too young of a kid so where there's fanciful things like storks and like this and the cabbage patch i was like never upset by until the specifics of the process it's very upsetting to play so yes uh uh basically you might be milling around the

facilities and thinking about adopting a cabbage patch kit or even thinking about adopting a very expensive kit because they have like old ones on display you could buy not buy i'm sorry adopt they don't say they don't say doll they say baby they don't say buy they say adopt so you could adopt but they do say expensive you can yeah you can't adopt an extremely expensive baby well on the website they break it down into different tiers there's toy cabbage patch kids which are pre-packaged those are the ones you would recognize from stores okay there's hand-stitched cabbage patch kids and those are the ones that will run you over 200 probably birthed from the tree.

Then there's exclusive Cabbage Patch Kids, which are kind of a mix. Some of these come in box. Some of these come without boxes. You're getting paperwork. Children love paperwork. And oaths. They got to give those. Yeah.

So you're milling around this facility doing some of the other things that there are to do. And then maybe an announcement comes over the PA. And the announcement lets you know that mother cabbage is dilated eight leaves. Yes. So as someone who just went through the actual process of childbirth, this is too close. Yes. For comfort.

Yes. The word dilation comes into effect. Yes. And let me say, with this episode now, we are back in some territory we were in a little while ago with the Epcot movie, The Making of Me. This is a thing about the birth process done in a way that children can see uh and in sort of a like soft at the edges and i've also been through this process i found every step of the process beautiful and life-affirming and magic

i was so fast i was not squeamish i was not looking away from stuff i found it like so fascinating and cool and you i know the moment away from stuff i found it like so fascinating and cool and you i know the moment was huge for you it's like one of the greatest look very positive reviews about the real thing you inject this theme parky shit into it and i am creeped the fuck out this i am so much more uncomfortable with cabbage leaf dilation than i am by any or but now remember mom and dad's sperm it's creepy weird yeah weird or much weirder i'm squeamish again because of the these it's just it's an uncanny valley like kid stuff plus this should not go together no it's weird and it's yes okay so if you don't know because i didn't know a lot of this stuff until recently uh a woman has to dilate which means uh has to be uh open enough for a baby to come out

of her essentially and it increases by centimeters and the magic number is 10 centimeters so you will be periodically checked at the hospital for how much you've dilated and they have now so i show this to lindsey too because i was in the middle of looking through stuff and i go i gotta go i went in the other room i go i gotta show you this and she's like watching and she's oh my god and she goes so the cabbage patch the cabbages are labia yes essentially yes and i go oh god you're right oh my god because because they go there's a certain point when they go well the cabbage is dilated 10 leaves you're like oh my god they're just saying the cabbage is a vagina like the cabbage is the vagina it is this the cabbage has uh look you could very comfortably fuck this cabbage it has all the parts that you need to fuck a human body well we're we're open every

day of the year except christmas thanksgiving christmas eve new year's day we're open till five or six but if you come by at seven is there a chance xavier roberts gonna do some real uh tlc xLC. Xavier Roberts got the idea for this when he was fucking a cabbage. The real story is he was a very perverse 10-year-old boy. Yeah, hell yeah. God says it's bad to touch yourself with your own hand, so I'm going to fuck a cabbage.

This is totally fine. There's no issue here. I wonder if there's a way I can make some fucking money off of this. Hayden is in twos all booked up for my holiday vacation is there anything else closer oh what's this my girlfriend's a cabbage i mean i guess i bet they got something in the big cities like los angeles and new york but i want something right here in cleveland georgia that's a clean place that's cleaned off that's a clean place that's cleaned off, that's hosed down the cabbages before I have

sex with them. This is madness because if you're just going to give the kid a fake story, just tell them and then the stork brings them or they came out like a... There's no reason. Dilation. And I understand they're like playing to the adults because there's certain things, like if you can

imagine from all, this is not some like I mean, we are freaked out by this this show but what it kind of turns into is sort of a sticky for the parents right and you hear just parent laughter at certain parts of it yeah i get that and i get trying to like here's references that will purposefully go over the kids heads but in the lead up to that yeah that's what makes me very uncomfortable and that it's the same numbers 10 is the magic number it's 10 centimeters 10 people 10 leaves for mother cabbage i've alluded to the lindsey's birthing being a long process where we were praying for 10 so it's like well the 10 the cabbage is now dilated 10 leaves i i think it's the juxtaposition that gets me. Because there's crystals hanging from the tree.

And there's bees that are more like flying rabbits. And they have magic. They do magic and they sprinkle dust. But if I can reveal the next step after the dilation, they double check with a sonogram machine. Yes. There's a sonogram. There's a sonogram. yes there's a sonogram there's a sonogram the woman has the sonogram wand puts it on the cabbage patch and then a little sonogram screen pops up

in the tree yeah that is like heavily colored as are the crystals by this point that let you know which gender we're dealing with um and there which some seems to they also and also an important part of this process is letting the audience vote because there's a vote throw it out to like what do we think it is today boy or girl and it's pretty equal so it's just so it's kind of the uh the the lpn licensed patch nurse is just kind of like well which kids do i hate the least in this room maybe i will give them the type that they want yeah or i think if you're paying for it they ask i saw a video where i think where they ask directly to somebody who might like who might be paying for the baby i could be wrong okay but i think she calls out a specific person and asks

what they're hoping for and then oh well yeah you were right Yep it is It is pink It's country A little too on the nose Sometimes Another element Of what It's too close to home Is the And so I think

I misread the bottle Of Magis It's a Magisillin But it's close to a drug That they offer I think it's called Pitocin I could be wrong about this But there's a drug

They give you If you're not dilating Fast enough And if your water breaks You gotta make sure That the baby comes out in a somewhat timely manner at that point because the baby is more susceptible to an infection after your water breaks because the water is protecting the baby and in oh see the body the clock is kind of on exactly so they we never lindsey did not end up taking the pitocin but they are very, like, maybe we should get this going.

So that's, Imagicillin is the stand-in for that drug, essentially, because they say that Imagicillin is going to get the process. I forget the exact terminology, but they basically say that's what it's for. It's to get this thing started. Oh, I think what you're referring to is that the Imagicin is uh going to loosen her leaves that's exactly right thank you i'm glad you had written down because that's what it is that's what this drug is and we were like i because we were asking because because it can speed up and then it can also throw your body off a little bit sometimes depending so i was just like how many how like we were asking questions like how many people take this this drug and they're like oh so many people this is a common

thing that we do so a magicillin is a stand-in for a real life drug that plenty of women have to take to get their get their uh dilation moving well they even you know it's very realistic and as this is being explained they take the time to say don't worry this is something that won't hurt her this isn't going to hurt because like And if that had gone the other way, okay, so we're going to give her some magisilin that's going to hurt her a lot. She will be in a lot of pain, but we have to do it.

It's the only way. That I had to rewind to make sure I heard it right. When she's like, we're going to give her a magisilin. Now this won't hurt or harm her. And I'm like, who are you saying that for? Who is there going like,

what are you doing or what are you gonna do for sake of argument is it possibly because they're there and now we have a needle and an injection and a baby might be like no you're killing mother cabbage who i love now having known mother cabbage for 45 seconds i love her now that that thought line of thinking i am more okay with like like there's a bunch of psas where like elmo gets the covet booster uh right now uh and i i i did appreciate that that probably would have soothed me as a kid if like the saturday street monsters were been like sometimes you have to get a shot and it's going to pinch a little but it'll be okay don't don't be afraid of it like that probably would have put my mind a little more

sure at ease oh yeah the majesty it's good it's look it's good it has to happen it loosens her leaves and let me just make sure that we've gotten to 10 and then they get out forceps which i well i've seen it described as forceps but also seen it described as tongs because we are dealing with cabbage that's a good point so let's get the tongs out you know you're at a shitty hospital when they get the tongs when they're using the same equipment that you get at the smoke jumpers uh toppings bar at californ right adventure yeah now that the metaphor starts to fall apart because you can't really put a baby in a salad spinner to mix it all together yeah that's a good point um so oh by the way also that it's mother cabbage but then the doctor

i believe is referred to as dr cabbage so now are we left to is this a uh is are the doctors also the parents is that do they provide the human half that's a very good question i can't operate on this cabbage it's my son like that riddle my hands are shaking i can't um i weird some other uh the odds and ends thrown out they'll say stuff like mother cabbage's chlorophyll count is normal um now luckily the baby here's there's where we're playing to the parents now luckily the baby is not born feet first or that would be a branch delivery right which is in a reference to breach delivery so we're yeah we're really in now we're only in this works for people who've had children because what else have you come across some of these phrases um and then they say so this procedure uh is now this procedure we're now

performing is called an easyotomy so so that also puts your mind at ease not only does the not hurt it's an esiotomy We've never had to perform a C-section Cabbage section Which is where you have to Tear the head apart I think you have to crunch the leaves open To get to the baby I think

That's probably what it is You inject coleslaw dressing That's a lubricant that can get the baby out yeah uh are people eating the afterbirth uh at uh because people do that with the placenta in real life so maybe you eat the cabbage after the baby is born these hollywood sickos i need to i need to get away i don't want to think about these hollywood sickos anymore i'm driving to georgia where i can go eat some cabbage section after burka it's it's oh it's very flavorful yeah well you put it on a they really should have a salad bar in this place they really should have like a cafeteria and you can eat cabbage salad

because it's just it's good it's healthy it's full of nutrients that's true something about you saying that just now made me feel close to fainting something that did not happen this is something they're warning you about the whole time also in the like you know and things get a little intense we've seen dads faint oh yeah they told me that's happened but you throw in now we're eating cabbage section after births And I'm like This will be the first episode I didn't make it through You guys gotta take me To the hospital

The cabbage patch hospital No No I'm not a baby You will be soon Yeah No I did not consent

To this Imagine Sillin There's gotta be A security camera Recording this I do not consent There should be one in every major city you're turning me into cloth that's right you're gonna be cloth now

your skin will be cloth now not mixed fabrics can't do that's in the bible can't mix fabrics that's just a religious element here um yeah i don't the the i don't know that the the cabbage i had something but i'm upset now i think i thought about it too much say it say it no i can't we're all here now you forgot whatever i forgot about it because i was thinking about scott fainting in front of a plate of coleslaw and in this case i do it on the chair in my garage i remember and the pandora flakes go spilling and you guys are like shit okay what do we do uh save the plates scoop them up i'll even split with you jason okay all right now let's take scott to the hospital slow motion like martha wayne's pearls going everywhere the pand Pandora Flakes flashing.

Finally, that scene's different. We've seen it so many times, but we've never seen it with little blue moons. There's no Cabbage Patch Hospital, so we take them to the American Girl doll store. This is the closest thing we've got nearby at the Grove. This is our new model. He is just precious. Six feet tall.

The vibes are fucked in a different way these customers are mean um uh the uh uh these jokes the the jokes about like a branch delivery and like an easy out of me are landing the adults like them definitely and i have to say some of the doctors and nurses a little too pleased with themselves i mean you gotta when you have to deliver lines a million times you've heard it dozens hundreds of times you have heard yourself say it you got to keep yourself entertained but there was one or two where i was like they're too pleased with themselves saying this what do you want you know you're in you're in cleveland georgia what else do you got three times a day or you make people laugh saying saying branch delivery it is like one of the main places to work in that town i think like the by the way the pm magazine article said uh the baby land general has 300 employees what do you mean right where we're looking at

there is not rich are you counting the babies yeah what is no way this space that was the old one the old one said 300 people work they're doing what what is the population of the town 350 so all the adults everyone who's able-bodied. The only people who aren't working there are dying. They can't get out of bed. This is why I want to see a full geography. It's hard to tell exactly how the place is laid out from some of the videos. Because I was watching a video.

Let me find the name of the channel. View from the cheap seats. Did you see this video? No. Okay. He goes in and there's just these massive hallways it doesn't seem like anyone's in there so it doesn't feel like 300 employees or anything could fit in there but he goes through and he finds a wall of celebrity photos what did you see this i saw the photos they've been there they've been i don't know if

it's unclear if they've been there but it's full there look like old photos robin williams from good morning vietnam henry a young henry winkler did any of them sign telly savalis what and it says i believe it says to xavier and the cabbage patch kids telly savalis holy shit right and i know this is worth worth like, where did he get this? Keep it sloppy. I wish. But it's like Bugs Bunny. Hey, Telly was a little nauseous on my visit.

Thanks for not getting too sloppy for me. He gave birth. His kids gave birth. He got his kids from the Cabbage Patch. And they gave birth there. Yeah. They look like. The little bald ones look like Telly's. Yeah, my wife's a cabbage

So what I like my simple pleasures I like living in my hotel room You clean up after sloppy Tilley But I leave a note for the maids Don't clean up sloppy Tilley's sloppy wife She's made of cabbage A sloppy cabbage wife

That ain't an old salad That's my wife These are my kids They're made of cloth And you know what's nice about them If they're dirty You don't have to take them Kicking and screaming in the bathtub

You just throw them in the washing machine With a pillowcase over them Send them to the cleaning camps Baby owner's trick Put them in a pillowcase George Bush And his wife Which

What? Oh George H.W. Okay, thank you. Tim Conway, Dick Van Dyke, John Candy, Bugs Bunny, Christopher Lloyd, dressed, I think, as Doc Brown, at least as a scientist. Some of them don't appear to have a specific To Xavier. Some of them are just signatures, but some have long things that I can't read. The Bugs Bunny one has, says to xavier on it uh it's i'm so fascinated by the layout of this place and what exactly

what treasures are around every turn my guess there is that those were all given to xavier roberts and that that is like yes i don't think cabbage patch recognition i don't it's hard to i believe that robin williams made a trip to cleveland georgia much less bugs bunny yeah i don't think bugs was there there's a really scary photo uh there's a lot of like display cases of like people's doll collections that have like donated or like famous dolls or early dolls there's a picture of xavier and a doll dressed like him that is really creepy I don't know if you can see that from here

And they're like It's just his head and this doll's head And they both have cowboy hats on It's an uncomfortable beard on this guy It's kind of a Donald Trump Jr I don't know if that beard The beard's unsettlingly thick

Something's wrong with it It's artificially uh yeah that's what yes yeah yeah so yeah something's wrong about it um but yeah it's but yeah going through this guy's video because he really he goes around the facility it feels like no one works there and it feels like it's massive yeah and there's just weirdness around every corner we wow yeah i know i don't yeah i didn't know there was a little there was the celebrity wing uh-huh yeah that's really strange so the babyland general hospital moved from the uh abandoned hospital that was the inspiration for one flew over the cuckoo's nest into an abandoned mall it was like custom built to resemble a pre-abandoned mall. Sure.

It's all very strange. By the way, to finish the process, Mother Cabbage pushes with the audience's encouragement and then kind of just a hole there and the baby's picked up out of it. And then a little spank on the tush, which that didn't happen. Did it it happen to your that's is that made up entirely i think this might be an old school thing okay yeah but maybe unclear maybe it wasn't some common classic part of the process that doesn't yeah was that done if like the baby was like not awake or something but how could a baby not be awake

when it's pulled like i don't know if there was something where you would have to like yeah i don't know it's it's a movie and tv thing i feel like but i'm not sure how often it was done in how often was practice definitely feels like a we hiked to school five miles uphill in the snow kind of like modern people would go like and like older people like that's just that's how we did things and it was better we need to teach them that they're gonna it's gonna be a rough road for them to make sure they start the life with a spank some of you oh some it says uh uh movies and books described uh physician is holding up the baby by its feet and spanking it uh this procedure is no longer done because it isn't necessary

it's the first google it's just flair it was just a little part of the show uh oh it's to make the baby cry yes yeah to let the baby know like let people know the baby can breathe but it feels like there that was a more practical way to do that just like look at it maybe mine was crying asap and no spanking needed our baby wasn't crying really interestingly enough this i misremember actually i'm not totally sure i mean was pretty quickly it has the first picture i have of him is just like it's like a horror i love that cherish the picture that's yeah she was not like crying a lot and now that i'm thinking about it unless i've misremembered i've added like a layer of fun like a layer of like ah an angel floated down yeah she drew she sat down like a layer of fun like a layer of like ah an angel floated down yeah she drew she sat down

like a little like fairy and we said hello and she nodded at us a flutter yeah i've just i've changed it in my mind to oh look my name is on her buttocks baby being held up by the ankles like upside down that feels like a holdover from animal Husbandry. With like a calf or a foal being pulled up. Yeah, yeah. That's probably right. Don't do that. Get them on solid surface as fast as you can. As I said, they threw the baby on Lindsay.

They threw her. I swear to God that happened. Whoa. Because that's what she requested, is to have the baby, because you want skin-to-skin contact. But I was shocked that they just chucked i feel like the baby was chucked it's not true but it felt aggressive that's all i'll say for a newborn baby it felt like whoa it wasn't like and we gently place it was like here you go and i was like ah this is a presence called the chuck don't be alarmed the chucking doesn't hurt

baby no baby was fine with it this is reminding, in the new Kids in the Hall on Amazon, I believe there's, do you remember? There's a sketch, I think, where Kevin McDonald is like an obstetrician or delivers babies, and he's like, and I just want you to know, I've got the best success rate of catching them in all of Toronto. Yes. 60% pretty good. Oh, oh yeah maybe it was dave

uh and there was just like what do you mean 60 and he's like look i'm the best okay i caught too i was again i i swear listeners and i am not because there's gonna be people still i swear we're like these prudes these and i'm like if you're thinking that's what you're insane leaves dilating this is perverted that's the craziest thing it was very exciting yeah yeah but you was sprung on you yeah yeah i didn't know yeah and i messed it up and i put all my fingers into one glove one finger on the glove the doctor's like no you're doing it both baron and i saying no we i don't want him to do it i don't want to do it you're doing it too bad put these

gloves on all my fingers go into one gloves finger that's and then it happened again okay this should be fine it should be uh good to go to uh catch my my new life uh and i know i messed up the process of a glove putting on this is like a scene from nine months or something it really was yeah i did have like sitcom style pregnancy hijinks and snap and i all of my fingers are locked into one finger no one insisted i do that a latex mitten i was yeah yeah i was very proud look again i swear to you this i found this process wonderful magical this shit firebombed this place this is weird it's so weird oh and then we're one more icky detail that then um there so the little spank has happened on the buttocks which of course has the signature and then uh they say something about how the interns

remembered to fertilize and then and then right and he's got this kind of hair and an outie belly button where i gently clipped him away from mother cabbage dick clipping when did you also i've been looking at your hands this whole time in this YouTube video. There was no clip. There was like a string bean umbilical cord or something that had to be snapped. The stem of course. I did cut that. I did do that. Okay. Did I?

I might have done that. I think I did that. You probably did, but you were probably like woozy from the other thing that's much more like pressure filled Yeah possibly But yeah they were like oh do it What was I as woozy as when you talked about Eating the cabbage baby after birth

If any listeners passed out If you were driving I'm sorry I'm so sorry There's people who might not find this gross at all It's an icky episode What's that? It's an icky episode

As we said it's an icky episode. What's that? It's an icky episode. As we said, it's an icky episode. I have one more detail to make it even ickier. This is from a Vice profile. Another visitor, a large, gruff man, muttered sincerely to his child, I'm sorry we couldn't find one with the Dixie flag. Oh, my God. Jeez, Louise. Weird.

What is this place? What year was that? It could be yesterday in the last 10 years i want to say yeah yeah i could no now that happens uh many many times a day um so uh what else about it did i did i miss do we miss any detail do we make it through this process alive well the naming which i'll get to in a second but the birthmark they're really drawn out like and is it is they're a little shy about this they all got a birthmark right on the bottom don't laugh do not laugh they're shy and don't laugh and they're shy don't it's so long you're right yeah yes and then they

ask about names and people are but the birthmark is is the signature is it just say xr is it xavier it's a full signature yeah it's a full signature yeah it says he wrote the whole thing on there so children remember the con man as you as you love this little treasure it's so funny because i remember that's like the one of the most like that's one of the strongest memories i have of my sister's cabbage patch doll is doll is like Writing on the little baby's butt It's like hobo code The doll has hobo code on it Yeah do we know

Did he sell Xavier did he sell the rights I think so yeah I believe he did Colico was the company The video game company They've had so many owners over the years.

And then Hasbro has made them? Hasbro and then Mattel and Toys R Us had it for a while. Right. So it's bounced around all these different places. Yeah. But he must have it in a contract

that like the signature stays. That's really what I'm getting at is it feels like they still have the signature and they're still saying it like Xavier's part of the process on the process. Yeah. On the website.

So even though he's sold at this point. His 10-year-old boy backstory. They still keep his name in it. Then it must be a contractual thing. Look, you can lose the bunny bees. Hell, you can lose the fucking magic crystals. As long as you don't lose my fucking name. It's like how Casamigos was sold, but George and Randy and Michael

all go to the, like, Casamigos party, which happened, the Halloween party a couple nights ago. Is it like that? Does it have to be like that?

Well, it is, because contractually, they're still... Must everything be like that? Is there names on the label, too? On the bottle? I think it has to be.

I think there's a signature there, too. So even though sometimes people sell things that contractually are still involved in it, because they still want the credit of having been the creator.

Sure. Yeah. The name video, and this is specific to the video that you and I both squat scotch. The woman's like- Go scotch. Scotch. No, I just got tongue-tied. That's what I'm thinking about.

That's what I want now. I need a real bit now. Yeah. The woman, it's like like and what's his name what's and people are like warren will bentley and she's like she puts the doll up to her ear and it's like warren bentley he likes that name warren bentley that's a good name he's gonna grow up to be a senator first off i gotta say warren bentley that's gonna be the fucking craziest senator it's like a tucker carlson thing like that senator is a fucking nazi like don't trust warren bentley don't devote don't vote for

warren bentley you know from the day that i was born out of the great mother cabbage patch i wrote from the second i saw the magic crystals i, I will fight against the tyranny of mandated health care. There's a decent chance our Supreme Court will find some way to set the precedent that kids should be taught the cabbage patch origin of children and not the actual real way kids are birthed. They are indoctrinating our children into believing think about this that we tell our children that they come from sexual intercourse we are we have to say we're sure we're showing pornographic films to our kids and it's time that the cabbage doctrine be set in stone samuel alito crying talking about the cabbage patch doctrine and how this is better for children to learn. I mean, it's not that far-fetched with the freaks on the Supreme Court as far as what their actual agenda is.

Good Lord, Herschel Walker paid Mother Cabbage for multiple cabbage warships. You gave multiple, several times, you gave multiple several times you gave cards to mother cabbage use that special to my my favorite cabbage baby

there's like a thing that guy Fieri was like a German beer hole and they're like in this week it's just for cutting the cabbage

for sour for uh sauerkraut it's a power patch kids is it a similar origin for sour patch kids oh god I similar origin for sour patch kids

i don't even want to know sugar mama look we've answered the question where can you see cabbage patch kids born but where can i what out of what birth canal to what there's a sugar sugar mom sugar mama it is it is a patch and what i look i don't know what it is. Like, is it just, it's like, I don't know. It's like, yeah, it's the Great Sugar Trail. And they get coated as they live. It's a magical labia coats them with sugar. Dr. Mehmet Oz killed multiple Sour Patch kids during his early medical trials.

Okay, well, I think we've provided the listeners a great service in that we've previewed this story before they are forcibly told it as the law of the land where babies come from now you know it because you're going to be grilled on it you'll take your patriotism yeah that's right tests yeah and you'll have to be able to recite this though so got it yes mother cabbage tongs you know it now if you want to do more research uh you can find this on spotify there's an album called cabbage patch dreams oh you said the album oh yeah yeah yeah it's 20 it's only 25 minutes long but there's

a lot it's kind of bookended by the the stork by colonel casey colonel case yeah. He has a commission in the Navy. He is a colonel. And there's, you know, kind of goes through everything. It goes through Lavender McDade recruiting, Bo Weasel and Cabbage Jack. There is a song. Let me just double check the name. It's about home. Get back home.

And the synopsis of that song is that I have to get back home away from Cabbage Jack to I tell everyone where he is taking the two girls, the gold mine. He is taking the two girls that we can rescue them so that there can be laughter in the cabbage patch once again dear god do you want to play is there is it just like a is it more spoken word than it is it's kind of a mix i don't really have it queued up all right we'll post it on yeah yeah i actually i have a song clip to play on the way out but i i want to start the process of ending this because before again before I pass out.

You survived my guess the ride at the second gate. Me just barely. But boy, what a maid for us. Thanks, Amanda, for teaching us where babies come from. Thank you, yeah. Any time I think I can't be surprised doing, where it's like finding new things for the show. Oh, nothing. Yeah, I know what this is going to be. This is going to surprise me. think i can't be surprised doing where it's like finding new things for the show oh nothing i

yeah i know what this is gonna be this is gonna surprise me and then watching this six minute minute video i was like no no no no there's a place on this earth in this country where this happens we all day every day what's the um um friend of the show john gabrus and adam pally shows a hundred places to party before you die. Oh yeah. Is that we should do our own show with a hundred places to feel icky before you die, where they send us around to places like this and we just go like the whole time. This is weird.

And then we go to bed at 9 PM every night cause we need our energy to film the show the next day. Yes. And most of them open early in the morning as they are for children. Of course. Yeah. Um, Hey, well, thanks for subscribing to The Second Gate. And if you want to dig even deeper, even deeper down into Mother Cabbage,

if you want to see how deep you can dilate Mother Cabbage's leaves, then join us. I'm sorry. Somebody's going to pass out before this is done. Join us on our new Tier Club 3. You get one more episode every month and our regular episodes ad-free. And you can vote for the episode topics

and maybe vote for things that are less disgusting than this. Or double down. Yeah, or yes, torture us more. Find something worse. If you know of a grosser little doll origin story out there, trick us by voting for it at club three yeah further across the rubicon like our heads dunked in the river i have this little i mean i think the video is a little funnier on this because you get to watch like the wind-up of this girl but i was like

what do we got on youtube and there are clips extended clips from they there was the animated special in the early 80s but then there were stop motion animated specials i'm not sure when those were from but um i was very alarmed by the this is on their official youtube and i was very alarmed by the title in all caps they think i'm crazy and then it's like a little girl with blonde pigtails and uh this this i just really like the song and the deep breath that she takes before the the chorus kicks in uh so this i'll play it out here but i'll post the video too um so this is this might answer the question why is there not more cabbage patch filmed media that was not as good It doesn't I kind of like that She moves

We watched it over and over I kind of like that I didn't see that Then her friends come up And they ask her more questions And become kind of her like Doo-woppy backup group Here I'll play that too

Okay yeah I like this It's just The boys What's up? Woo Woo I like this. It's just the boys. What's up? Woo! Woo! Woo! Did we do it?

Did we finish the episode? I think so. Woo! I'm not sure. Did we? Woo! Folks, if you're unsure how to imagine that, just imagine Elizabeth Olsen as the scarlet witch creaky cracking through that like broken glass and the new doctor's recent doctor strange movie

jerkiness of it