Podcast: The Ride - Womphopper’s Dusty Trail: A Restaurant Retrospective - Episode 23

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

We really struck gold today! A freshly unearthed interview with C.L. Womphopper IV himself. Will it finally answer the question, “How did a place with Wagon Burgers and Horse Fries go out of business?” *Host Michael R. Carlson holds the world record for most mentions of the name "C.L. Womphopper" while annoying friends and family. Michael would like to issue a correction: The last episode he referred to the wagon dealership as a "wagon wheelery," this was only a misspeak, Michael certainly knows the difference between a dealership and a "wheelery." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, excuse me. Why are you walking so close behind me? Well, you're a tall guy. You throw a decent shadow when I'm walking in it to keep out of this bright sun. It hurts my eyes. Okay, well, you know what? Specsavers, you can get two pairs of glasses from $149. And, oh, you'll like this. One can be a pair of prescription sunglasses. Sounds great. Where's the nearest store? Not far. Come on. Let's hurry then! To my count! One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two...

Visit Specsavers.ca for details. Forever! Dog! Audience, audience, when we last left the good boys, they were ripped apart from each other and scattered into different corners of the multiverse. The only way they can fix the dimensional rift and reunite is to record separate solo podcasts about stuff at malls next to theme parks.

We take you now to Mike's End of the Multiverse. Today, on the 23rd installment of Womp Hopper's Dusty Trail, a restaurant retrospective, we dig into some newly unearthed audio from restaurant owner C.L. Womp Hopper IV himself. Yeehaw! Womp Hoppers, Womp Hoppers, beg, borrow, even steal. Womp Hoppers, Womp Hoppers, to afford our wagon meal. Womp Hoppers, Womp Hoppers, get your wagon to a mule.

Womp Hoppers, Womp Hoppers, come up after Sunday school. And nab it, eat here already. Welcome back to Womp Hoppers Dusty Trail, a restaurant retrospective. I'm your host, Michael R. Carlson. This is, of course, the only weekly podcast dedicated to the history of Womp Hoppers Wagon Works Restaurant, a wagon dealership-themed eatery located just outside Universal Studios Hollywood from 1981 to 1988. For weeks now, we've been looking through menus,

digging through trash, and talking to ex-employees, all in an effort to gain some insight into why this brilliant restaurant closed. Well, today, I'm happy to report we've hit the motherlode, a freshly unearthed interview with Wompopper's owner and proprietor, C.L. Wompopper IV. C.L., of course, based this restaurant on his great-grandfather's wagon dealership that was open near the Coanga Pass in the mid-1800s. In this newly acquired audio, C.L. IV addresses a number of personal and professional incidents

and accusations that eventually led to his business's closure. Now we take you to 1981. This is Cassidy Blaine on Cassidy's Hard-Hitting News Exposes. Today, I am here with a controversial figure. I'm talking about none other than C.L. Wompopper IV. And we're here to discuss the many allegations leveled against him about his practices, his restaurant, and his lifestyle. Well, thank you for having me. I think you're going to find that I'm just an honest guy,

and all I want to do is make a bunch of nice people happy by serving them wagon burgers, donkey drinks, and tumbleweed tuna melts. When people are coming into the restaurant, there have been some complaints that people are actually contracting cholera and measles. And I don't know if this is intentional, but it seems like C.L. Juan Poppers is the epicenter for these ancient or bygone illnesses. Well, let me address that right away and say you are correct about it. Oh, my God. Thank you for being so open and agreeing. I really thought I was going to have to bully you. Oh, no.

I'm an honest man. Yeah. So we are hosting child measle parties in the back room. And what is a measle party? Measle party where one kid gets measles and you throw them in a pan. About a hundred kids in a pan. In a pan or in a pen?

In a pan. Okay, well I still can't fully understand. Is that pan or pen? It's a pan, yeah. Because if you're putting them in a hot object that's being heated on a stove, that sounds crazy. If you're putting them in a pigsty, I get behind it. Well, it's a big, it's a pan, yeah. Because if you're putting them in a hot object that's being heated on a stove, that sounds crazy. If you're putting them in a pigsty, I get behind it. Well, it's a big, it's a big, here's the thing. It's a big area, but it is also heated.

So you heat the measles out of them. Okay, but is the point to get the measles to spread? Or are we just, you know, like a, what is this, like vapor going away? When you heat up a child with measles, the measles comes out of him faster. And then it can spread to the other children who just get it out of the way. So you can do it in the summer. You can do it on a spring break. Kids get the measles out of the way like that.

But they're playing. They're having fun. They're doing all sorts of imaginative games, okay? And I heard some of those imaginative games are assembling the wagon burgers. For a lot, as far as kitchen staff is concerned, yeah. Kids will assemble the burgers in a hot room. Okay. Some might say this is a child labor issue.

It is, yeah. But we're getting around it. I'm just skirting it. I'm just not doing, I'm not following the rules. Okay, and why aren't you following the rules? Because it's easier not to. Well, I think every liar and huckster throughout time has felt that way. I think so, but have I lied yet?

I don't think I have. I don't think I have. I'm being truthful here. It's true. It's true. I've been remarkably surprised by how honest you've been. So truthful. People say that the restrooms at your restaurant are unclean.

That they feel like outhouses, and they are literally outside. There's no actual plumbing. Well, I want to address that because people say outhouse. Well outside there's no actual plumbing well i want to address that because uh yes people say outhouse well there's no house it's just out so you just go out and then it's like choose your own adventure as far as what you want to do how you want to do it in the open or you can uh bring a tarp from home and just cover yourself up even like um kind of sitting areas. Like it's just like an open...

Yeah, it's dirt and grass. And then everything rolls down the hill toward Ventura Boulevard. Heated child measle rooms, an excrement rolling and mud sliding down the hill toward Ventura Boulevard. But these revelations were just the tip of the mesa. You know, it's really bugging me lately. People are obsessed with these submarine sandwiches and they're like, oh, these are so good. We love

submarines. But what about wagons? Okay, let's make the vehicle, the wagon more popular. All right. Which is why I've debuted my new sandwich called Wagon Sandwich Wags for for short it's a ham thin layer of mayonnaise more ham and then a thicker layer of mayonnaise and i've heard that this mayonnaise is kept in the same pan with the children and and may or may not be too hot it is it's hot mayonnaise yeah and and some people complain about the mouth feel yeah it's unnerving it's lumpy yeah well yeah and yeah some people complain about the mouthfeel. Yeah, it's unnerving. It's lumpy as well. Yeah. And, yeah, some people complain about it, but, like, that's sort of one of our signatures is just having lumpy hot mayonnaise. Yeah.

And it's, like, it also lingers with you as well. Like, you'll be driving down the hill here after you've eaten here, and it'll be like stuck in your throat, you know? Yeah, and I wanted to address that because people have been leaving your restaurant and immediately choking on the way home. Yeah, what happens is we've had a string of people choking on their cars as they drive down the hill toward Ventura. So on any given night, there are about 30 car accidents of people colliding just into the businesses toward Ventura. So on any given night, there are about 30 car accidents. Yes.

Of people colliding just into the businesses on Ventura. Yeah, and some people say that your restaurant is a scourge for Los Angeles. Well, I can only agree with that. Okay, well, again, you're too dang charming. I got, hey, do you want to buy a bottle of romantic liquid? I mean, it looks cloudy. It's called C.L. Wompopper's Romantic Liquid. And I'm just curious, is this like an elixir you drink?

Is this something you rub on your body? What is this romantic liquid? Well, between the two of us it's that hot thick mayonnaise it's the same thing okay and would you say because i've heard you've made claims that this is an aphrodisiac oh yeah it is okay what does that mean is this is this the secret that got your grandpappy doinking okay across america should be very honest here's what's going on all right and you're gonna say you're gonna say oh, my God, I saw it all now. The pieces all make sense, all right?

Yeah. So my great-grandfather was into that autoerotic asphyxiation. As many wagoners are. As many wagoners are. All the famous ones were into it, okay? Because, like, basically what it is, when you're wheeling and dealing and you're selling wagons you're chasing a high yeah you're chasing the high of the deal chasing the high of selling a bunch of wagons and what would happen is that he would need greater and greater sexual gratification essentially i mean anything we do in life we get used to it and then need to

have a bigger boost that's right we that's right we get used to it and then need to have a bigger boost. That's right. That's right. We get used to stuff and then we need a bigger boost. So what he would do is he would have this hot mayonnaise that would stick in your throat. Okay. And it would make him choke. Okay. But that would do the same basic thing as having a hand around it or a belt around it. But how would he then release the pressure?

How would he then release that? release drink a glass of water you so you're getting really hot and horny with this mayonnaise in your throat yeah go ahead yeah you spooge and then you reach for a glass of water oh but some people put it into the love making they have a partner give you the water. Okay, great. Yes. And that's going to be part of it. Yes. I mean, I'm not judging anyone's water or mayonnaise practices. Good. Yeah, don't. Who knew that the original CL Wall Popper was a mayonnaise

pervert? You're offering me this mayonnaise. Yeah. And some people have complained that you are a sex shop. Okay. Not you as the person.

People are, they're saying things, yeah. See, Womp Hoppers. Yeah. Sex shoppers is what some people are saying. Yeah, I saw the report last week, the Walter Cronkite report. Yeah, and he did such a good job. He did. I trust him implicitly. When he said C.O. Mom Popper's sex shoppers, the nation listened.

Yeah, he did. And it's because you're selling these items like this autoerotic asphyxiation-related mayonnaise that clumps in your throat. And then the only way you can breathe again is by drinking a glass of water. And I also heard you had... And I'm not trying to be gross. But I've heard you have wagon cock rings? Well, look. When Walter Cronkite brought out

the cock rings on TV last night, yeah. Which was brave. Which was brave of him. He's never done it before. Despite numerous calls to address that. America's been wanting it. America's been wanting it. He did it, and what can I say, but

we do sell CL Womp Hopper cock rings. Yep. Which, look, it's just a functional thing. Yeah, of course, of course. It's just a part of it. It's not untoward. No. It's not nothing.

But, yeah, it's in a glass case up with the gum and cigarettes. Okay. And you have C.L. Womp Hopper cigarettes? Yeah, we sell our own cigarettes. We roll them, yeah. And who's rolling them? The kids. So they're hot, sweaty little cigarettes? Yeah, of course. The cigarettes are warm already. They're basically just lit.

Can they come lit? You buy a pack of cigarettes, they're all lit already. There are 20 cigarettes that are just lit inside of a little package. Yeah, 20 lit cigarettes. You've got to smoke them fast. That's the fun of it. That's what you get when you come here. Right, I understand that.

But people have complained that there's a lot of secondhand smoke in your restaurant. There's tons of secondhand smoke here, yeah. And I know there hasn't been a lot of litigation so far in 1981 right but i i predict there might be more litigation against secondhand smoke well i'm all seeing and all knowing and like yeah maybe lawsuits are coming maybe laws are coming but for now enjoy the smoke okay enjoy the smoke you buy 20 cigarettes and you've got to smoke them within 10 minutes or else they're gone. Yeah. That's fun.

That's fun. Woo-hoo. That's fun. Isn't it fun? Doesn't it make you want to woo-hoo? Woo-hoo. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Yeah. So, no. Yeah, we sell cigarettes. We make cigarettes. We make the rings for the thing. We make rings for your thing. That's what we say. It's fun. They're called wagon the rings for the thing. We make rings for your thing. That's what we say.

It's fun. They're called wagon rings, by the way. And I wanted to address, too, that they're made out of spindly wood. Yeah, they're wooden. They're wooden. And some people are complaining about splinters. Everyone is complaining about splinters. Yeah.

We have 10 to 12 to 20 people every day that will come back in here and they're angry with us. Yeah. Oh, God. How do you deal with them? What do you do? I just, we kind of hide. When someone comes in, they're angry. You hide in the back. Yeah. And then they go away eventually. So, again, you are a bit of a coward. A bit? I'm a huge coward. I don't want to deal with these people. What are you talking about?

They're mad at me because I put a bunch of wood in their peen. Yeah, I wouldn't want to talk to them either. It doesn't happen every time, though. Some of them are fine. No, no. Some of them are fine. Yeah, some of them,

it's probably appreciated. Some people like it. Yeah. Some people like it because they want to feel something. You get used to normal stuff, and then you need to feel something new. I mean, that's the curse of living, right? That's the curse of living.

Oh, thank God you understand me. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, I need to take a big huff of something real quick. I don't know what it is. Oh, it's just a big secondhand smoke over here. Oh, yeah, thank you. And that clears your brain?

No, it makes it worse. It makes my brain feel worse. Okay. Tsk, tsk. We all know the proper materials to make a cock ring are copper, brass, or gold. Now, people have said that your great-grandfather was legitimately mad. Like he was a madman.

Well, people have speculated. They have inquired. They have written about at length that my great-grandfather was cuckoo. They call him a cuckoo bird. Yeah. They would call him Looney Tunes. Yeah. A lot of things that are upsetting to me to hear, but the fact of the matter is they were all right. Okay. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. Thank you. He performed sort of a self-lobotomy when he was 21 years old. Yeah, and can you describe that? Because most lobotomies, you go in through the nose and kind of disconnect a portion of the left and right hemisphere.

That's what I know about lobotomies. Well, all I know that my great- great grandfather didn't do it the normal way uh to save costs he uh just put a chimp in a doctor's outfit and then started smearing peanut butter on the parts of his skull he wanted the chimp to cave in uh and after that point basically uh he just kind of picked and choose what he wanted to pull out reason why it did it by the time he was 21, he felt so bad about all the mean stuff he had done and all those people,

the wagons he had repossessed, and the single wheels he would take off of people's wagons. Really fucking people over. Yeah, he would make, like, people were moving their whole family, and he'd just take their wheel in the middle of nowhere, and then they just either had to set up camp there forever, or die. Right, I hear that's how bakersfield was started yeah oh yeah he repossessed so many different wheels in bakersfield that's how the whole city started there were so many people

stranded there they were like well let's just do a city here i guess yeah i mean let's do it yeah that's how most cities are started that people just want to do them let's just do a city here i guess yeah i mean just do it yeah that's how most cities are started that people just want to do them let's just do a city they would say uh yeah so he felt bad about all that stuff so instead of changing his ways he decided to take out the part of his brain that felt empathy wow and he accidentally took a bunch of other pieces too but yeah yeah well yeah yeah well it seems like he also kind of uh ignited his sexual function in a stronger way. Oh, yeah, it weaponized it, I would say. And just, I'm wondering, as the great-grandson of a man who removed empathy from his own brain, the ability to feel empathy,

how do you live at night with that piece intact in your own brain? Well, to be fully honest with you, I've also performed a mild lobotomy. A mild lobotomy. And what is a mild lobotomy? Well, it means that I found a baby chimp and put it in a doctor's outfit. And then put peanut butter on my skull and let the baby chimp cave it in. Same deal, smaller chimp. To be very honest, it didn't fully work and I still feel a deep sadness.

Yeah. At night. But it's probably less sad than I would otherwise. Yeah, well, it seems like you're aware and you're sad, but you also continue to do practices that maybe aren't the best. I continue to do, yeah. I continue to do what I do, and that's just the way we've, that's the way Wampopper's always acted, okay?

I can't fight my programming. You understand? That's just another human being lesson is that we can't fight who we are, what we do, what our family heritage is. Yeah. I have to serve food

and I have to sell cock rings. I have to do it. That legacy is predetermined for you. Just like the one that Honest Abe used. Honest Abe did

and George did and Ben and Tom, all the guys. Yeah. And the King of England. Yeah. He still does it.

Of course he does, because America is, you know, Little England. America is Little England. I know. I know it is. In some ways, I guess it's kind of true. People have complained that there aren't enough cherries in the wagon cherries jubilee. Well, yeah, they're right. Basically, I just painted a bunch of almonds red and hoped nobody would notice. I mean, let's not focus on that.

Let's talk about the presentation of that. It comes in what's basically a big wash tub for a large St. Bernard. And now, what do you mean wash tub? A big metal tub that could fit a St. Bernard. And the Cherries Jubilee comes in that because it's a fun

sort of thing to do. It's a novelty. It's sort of, I don't know, it's like, you know how you take a picture and then you show it to everybody and it'll like you know how you can take a picture and then you show it to everybody and it'll go like viral among your friends yeah I mean one time I was at a bachelorette party

and I got up on a table and some of my friends took a film photograph and then showed it to my other friends right and it's like when the photo goes viral because it's 1981 and what do you mean viral sorry this word is confusing to me And then showed it to my other friends. Right. And it's like when the photo goes viral. Because it's 1981. And what do you mean viral?

Sorry. This word is confusing to me. Well, it's just we talk about disease so much. I'm always thinking viral. And it's just like spread. Spread is what I'm saying. Spread, yes. So it's like when you have a Polaroid photo or something. And there's a photo.

But everyone wants to see it. And everyone passes it around. That's when I say a Polaroid is going viral. That's a term I just kind of made up, I think. Yes. So, yeah. So when we take a picture of a term I just kind of made up, I think. Yes. So yeah, so when we take a picture of a big washtub full of Cherries Jubilee and you take a Polaroid of it,

I want that to go viral because then that's promotion for us. I love that. I guess what's hard to understand is it's such a big washtub, which is camp, which is kitschy, it's cute. Yeah, it is, yeah. But the amount of Cherries Jubilee is very small,

and it almost looks like a dookie that St. Bernard left behind. Yeah, it does look like that. It's small. It's small in a big tub, and we're already thinking, when I see a washtub, I'm like, that's a St. Bernard washtub. Yeah, yeah. When you see a washtub, you generally think of, oh, what size dog could fit in it? That's all I think about. Yeah, because you see a wash tub, you generally think of, oh, what size dog could fit in it?

That's all I think about. Yeah, because you go to the store and you try to get a wash tub. You just have to, like a St. Bernard, is it some sort of terrier? Pomeranian. Pomeranian, is it a bulldog? Yeah. Yeah, what kind of bulldog? But yeah, yeah, it is a small amount of food.

It's a regular dessert in a big tub. Yeah, and people get upset. Yeah, people get upset. Not only that it might feel unclean to eat out of that vessel, but also they expected a tub of Cherry's Jubilee. Right, and it costs $100. And that is a lot of money right now. Yeah, right now it is. I mean, it maybe will forever feel like a lot of money,

but it's even more money right now. Right now, I agree with you. It is a lot of money. So people are upset, and I get it. I get it. It's weird. It's predatory. I get it.

Yeah, people will say they feel bilked out of money when they buy this dessert. Yeah, they will say that, yeah. They always say it. Well, thank you for being so candid. Yeah, I'm trying my best. And I've noticed all of your menus are sopping wet. Soaked with tears, yeah. From me, basically. Are you crying

over the menus? Are you upset at the food? I'm upset at just the atrocities that I've helped commit and different things here. So, and when you say atrocity, that's bold language. You're going on record. I am on record as committing atrocities, yeah.

Like against the human race yes against things that the human race will never recover from I'm admitting to here right now I mean this is this is blowing my mind there are political political things that I've done you've been involved in like shadow campaigns

I've been involved in many shadow campaigns yeah wow what's happened is if there's been a world leader assassinated That I've done. You've been involved in like shadow campaigns and stuff? I've been involved in many shadow campaigns, yeah. Wow. What's happened is if there's been a world leader assassinated in the last 30 years, look in the background of the photo. Are we going to find a Womp Hopper? There's a wagon back there. If there's a world leader that's been killed in the last 30 years, look at the photo of their last moments.

You're going to be able to find a wagon. If there's a will, there's a wagon. If there's a will, there's a wagon. I did it all. I did all of it. Everything. And, like, this is huge. Yeah. Thank you for revealing this on Cassidy Blaine. How do you sleep at night?

You've upset nations. You've murdered politicians. Yeah. This is heavy, heavy stuff. Yeah. How do you sleep at night? On a straw mat? Well, I do have a straw mat, but it's better for my back.

Okay. But the way I sleep is that if one person comes up the hill into CO Womp Hoppers, and they shake my hand, they say I had a delicious wagon burger, and the cock ring you sold me didn't give me no splinters in my dick, and they say I had so much fun smoking 20 cigarettes very fast people leave looking leathered you're gonna be leathered after you come out of this place yeah second hand if you come out of this place some people don't some people don't yeah we have a graveyard in one of the back rooms yeah i heard it's in one of the troughs. Yeah, it is a trough, yeah. But if they say I had a good time, I carry that with me and that gives me the energy

I need to take me into the next day. That's all. Let me get you some menus to cry on. Thank you. Thank you so much. I killed JFK. There's a wagon on the grassy knoll. There's a wagon on the grassy knoll? Yeah. Well, I'll have to go and look at those photos more clearly. Okay. Because of this audio, I was able to pull up many pre-assassination photos of world leaders and identify a wagon in the background, thus solving around 30 different

mysteries in the process. Apparently, Womp Hoppers was then seized by the CIA upon closure, turned into a Universal City branch of the organization, and was then disguised as a Tony Romas. So if you ate at the Tony Romas up at Universal Studios between 1988 and 1994, you're likely complicit in some weird CIA stuff. Anyway, this will be the final installment of Womp Hopper's Dusty Trail, a restaurant retrospective. Join me next week as I start a new journey

trying to use black magic to conjure Merlin and figure out just what evil spirits shut down the CityWalk restaurant Wizards. Thanks for listening. I'm Michael R. Carlson. Womp Hopper's Womp Hopper Bay CityWalk restaurant Wizards. Thanks for listening. I'm Michael R. Carlson.'re here already. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Mike Carlson, Jason Sheridan, Scott Gairdner,

Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.