Realfoodology - 26: Navigating the Modern Dating Landscape with Jillian Turecki

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

Jillian Turecki is a Teacher, Certified Relationship Coach and writer who specializes in relationships. I found her on instagram last year and was compelled by her honest and very relatable approach to dating and relationships. We talk about how to communicate your needs, self abandonment, self esteem, what to do when someone doesn’t text back, how to call in your partner, sex - do you wait? And so much more! Please note: We speak mostly from a perspective of heterosexual relationships because I ask a lot about my own personal experience but this advice can be applied to anyone no matter what your sexual preference is or what type of sexual relationship you are in! This is a sexual inclusive space! Show Links: http://www.jillianturecki.com/ https://www.instagram.com/jillianturecki/ http://www.jillianturecki.com/conscious-woman Steps to Survive a breakup http://www.jillianturecki.com/shop/grit-grace

On today's episode of The Real Foodology Podcast. I think that when people go through a very traumatic or catastrophic breakup, ultimately the deepest suffering that I think people experience is when they're processing that relationship and the demise of it is, why didn't I show up better for myself? Why did I compromise who I am to keep this? Hi, welcome back to another episode of the Real Foodology podcast. I'm your host, Courtney. I am an integrative nutritionist living in Los Angeles, and I'm the creator behind Real Foodology, which is a food blog and Instagram, most recently a TikTok. So you can find me all across the board at real foodology.com or at real foodology on Tik TOK and Instagram. I was a band tour manager for 10 years,

a nutritionist on the road for a pop star for four years. And then I quit that job actually last. It's been a little bit over a year now, right before the pandemic actually, to pursue Real Foodology full-time. The more I got into eating healthy and nutrition, the more I was just fed up with the lies that we are fed, no pun intended, from the food industry. So I am here to help you navigate that and just to show you what eating healthy really truly means with a goal of just feeling good in your body. At the end of the day, that's all I care about. I just want you to feel good in your body so that you can live a happy, healthy life that you love. Today's episode is all about relationships. I know that this is a health and wellness and nutrition podcast, but

our relationships play a very important component. We are only as healthy as our relationships are. Emotional health is very much important. And I love to dive into every aspects of health, whether it be mental health, emotional health. So I brought on Jillian Turecki to have a conversation all about just the modern dating landscape and how to navigate it. She is a teacher and certified relationship coach. I think that the word teacher really is, it's very spot on for her because if you follow her on Instagram, and if you don't, I highly recommend going right now and following her. Um, you'll, you will be very well versed with her IGTV videos that she's been posting. This is actually how I found her on Instagram last year. I can't remember

what video I came across, but I came across this video where she was talking about something having to do with a relationship. And she has this way with her words. She's just she's very eloquently spoken. And she just has a very just like a spot on perspective about dating. And I really love that her perspective very much involves our own involvement in it. And what we bring to the table with the relationship, a lot of it has to do with how we feel about ourselves, self-esteem issues. And she really speaks to that place that's very digestible and very, very relatable.

We talk about all sorts of things, how to communicate your needs, self-abandonment and what that looks like and how you can bring that back around to yourself so that you're not abandoning yourself and your needs and relationship with someone else, what she thinks about having sex very early on in the beginning. And I sprinkle in some of my very annoying, um, dating issues that I've been having over the last year. So you'll get to know a little bit more about me and what's been going on in my relationships lately. Overall, it's a really, really great episode. She has so many amazing nuggets of information for anyone, whether you're in a relationship or you're single, maybe you're dating. She just is such a wealth of information. And I really, really enjoyed this conversation. So I'm,

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This is really exciting. Organifi now has kid stuff. They just released two kid products. One is called Easy Greens and it's a refreshing green apple juice where kids will never know that it's packed with veggies. And the other one is called Protect. It's a delicious wild berry punch like the Kool-Aid that we used to have as a kid, but without any sugar.

This is really exciting. And if you've listened to the podcast for a while, you know that I'm a huge fan of Organifi and most specifically because every single product that they make is glyphosate residue free. So you know that you're going to be able to give these powders to your kids and know that they will be able to consume them safely without any glyphosate in it. So let's break down each one. The Easy Greens is a nourishing and delicious blend of superfoods and veggies

that provides essential nutrients, probiotics, and digestive enzymes to bring balance to kids' growing bodies without fillers, additives, or junk. It helps to fill in nutritional gaps, aids in growth and development, supports digestive health, has a rich micronutrient profile, and includes digestive enzymes. This would be a great way to sneak in greens for your little one without them actually knowing that it's healthy for them. And the second one, which is the wild berry punch similar to Kool-Aid, is called Protect,

and it is to support your child's daily immune health with food-derived nutrients that work to strengthen their body's first line of defense. I know just through girlfriends of mine that have children that when your kids are going to school, going to daycare, they're coming home sick a lot more often just because they're getting exposed to different kids and different viruses when they're out in the world playing with kids. So this would be a great way to help to support your little one's immune health. It's organic and it's also made with real whole food ingredients. It has a delicious berry taste and it's low sugar and it's gentle enough for kids to take every single day. And I really love the ingredients in this one.

It's orange and acerol cherry, which is a powerful source of vitamin C and antioxidants. Astragalus, elderberry and propolis. These are all really great for overall immune health. If you wanna try the products that I talked about today or any of the Organifi products, go to organifi.com slash RealFoodology and use code RealFoodology for 20% off. Again, that's Organifi. It's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com slash RealFoodology.

And on today's Courtney's Favorites, I'm just going to give a little bit of love to my favorite place to get organic pastures meat, Belcampo. If you've been listening since the beginning of this podcast, you are very well versed in Belcampo. I actually had the founder, Anya Fernald, who was amazing on the podcast, not once, but twice. If you have not listened to those yet, I highly recommend going back and listening. We talk all about regenerative farming, organic pastures, meat, and why we should care and why it's important. And then we also dive into the egg aisle because God knows that the egg labels are so confusing. And I've stood in front of that wall of eggs at the grocery store, not being able to decide what eggs to get. So Belcampo is a farm in Northern California, regenerative farm, and they sell organic pastures meats.

They're mostly focused on beef, but they also have pork and they have lamb and chicken. And it is some of the best meat that I've ever had in my life. And they ship nationwide, which is amazing. I get it shipped to my doorstep every couple of weeks. I stock up my freezer and then I have enough meat for to last me at least a couple of weeks. If you're going to order from them, I highly recommend getting their meatballs. They are literally the best meatballs I've ever had in my life. Sorry, mom, but they are, they're so good. I also really love her organic chicken and the organic ground beef. It's all pasture raised. So you know that it is really good, high quality meat. They actually gave me a code to share with you guys. Code real foodology

saves you 10% off of orders, $30 at more. So go to bellcampo.com to use that code today. Today's question comes from Jake and he wants to know all about soy. As always, these answers and this podcast are just for educational and informational purposes only. I am an integrative nutritionist, but I'm not a doctor and I don't know you personally. I don't know what's going on in your body. So just know that this information on this podcast is not a sub for individual medical or mental health advice, and it doesn't constitute a provider patient relationship. As always talk to your doctor first. He said, what's the deal with soy? I hear on some sides that it's really healthy for us. And then I hear from some people that

it's really bad and we should avoid reasoning. In the United States, 94% of soybean crops are genetically modified, which means that if you're not buying organic soy or this goes for organic soybean oil, any form of soy that you see in any food products, if you're not making sure that that is organic, then it is definitely genetically modified. Now I know GMOs are a really heated, huge topic, something I'm going to get into in another episode. That's another episode for another day. But my biggest concern about all of this, regardless of the studies that are coming out about GMOs, is that we use way more pesticides on genetically modified crops than we do any other crop, and especially with organic. So organic has a list of a specific amount of pesticides and herbicides that are allowed to be used, and you can still consider the crops to be organic. These are considered to be a lot safer pesticides. And overall, in general, because it's such a strict list, you're going to get a way less toxic overload of pesticides when you buy organic.

Because I hear a lot of people say, well, organic still uses pesticides. Yes, that is true. But we're not using pesticides like glyphosate that we now know to be human carcinogens, which means they cause cancer in humans. So that's the number one reason why I have a problem with soy. Another problem is that soy has something called phytoestrogens. Phytoestrogens mimic the sex hormone estrogen. They function very similarly to human estrogen, but I will say that they are weaker in effect, but they still mimic them.

And the concern is that someone who's consuming a lot of soy over time, it can raise estrogen levels in the body. And unfortunately, this puts us at risk for stimulating hormone dependent cancers like breast cancer. Now, I don't want I don't as with anything in nutrition, I don't like to talk in extremes. So you have to be consuming a lot of soy. OK, and there is a very famous story about a man consuming so much soy that he actually grew man boobs. And this is true, but I will note that he had to eat a lot of soy, but again, it's very possible. So if you're consuming enough soy, it's going to raise your estrogen levels in your body.

Now I hear a lot of counter arguments that say, well, you have to be consuming so much soy for this to actually happen. But I'm of the mind that I like to err on the side of caution. And for me personally, in my body, I don't want to mess with my estrogen levels. Um, and this should, this is across the board for both men and women. Obviously women have much higher levels of estrogen in their bodies. Men still have estrogen, but they have higher testosterone and much lower estrogen. And we just, we don't want to be messing with our body's natural, with our hormones. We just don't. So I like to err on the side of caution. I personally avoid it. And then when you think about the fact that we put so much soy in all of our processed foods, if you are eating a lot of fast foods, or so much soy in all of our processed foods,

if you are eating a lot of fast foods, or if you're eating a lot of processed food, you are probably consuming way more soy than you actually realize. And this is where it does become a concern of being overly exposed to soy. Now, if you are someone that does not eat fast food, you don't really eat processed foods, and you're pretty mindful of the foods that you put in your body, the chances are you're probably not really getting any soy in your diet. Like for me personally, I very rarely ever get soy in my diet in any capacity because I'm not eating fast food. I'm not eating all the processed foods that it's in. I avoid soybean oil. I don't buy dressings that have soybean oil in them.

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check out to receive 10% off site-wide that's from our place.com code, real foodology. Our place offers a 100 day trial with free shipping and returns. So if you are one of those people and you want to occasionally have edamame or you love your tempeh or you love tofu, I think that that is totally fine. Make sure you're buying organic so that you can avoid the pesticide load. But otherwise I think it's totally fine. I personally, if I do eat soy, which is very rare and by very rare, I mean two or three times a year, I order tempeh. Tempeh is a little bit better because it's fermented. So it has properties that are really good for our gut health, but I avoid things like soy milk. And

like I said earlier, I do not buy any dressings that have soybean oil because personally I want to avoid putting really any soy in my body. But again, for everyone listening, you do you, this is me and, and what I do personally. And these are the reasons why I avoid soy. If you have a question, you're listening, you have a question for the podcast, please submit your questions to real foodology podcast at gmail.com, or you can slide into those Instagram DMS at real foodology. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on. Um, so for everyone listening, why don't you just give everyone a little bit of your background, Jillian? Um, so let's see. So I'm a born and raised New Yorker. Um, I have been teaching yoga for about

17 years now, um, practicing for, you know, 21 years or 22 years. And, and about almost for seven, I would say it's almost seven years now, not quite where I have been coaching and, you know, pretty much right away I wanted to do relationship coaching and yeah, I mean, I mean, there's so much more, but that's it in a nutshell, basically. So I regard myself, people are like, are you a coach? I really just think of myself as a teacher. That's probably what I most strongly identify with as far as my work is concerned. For years, I was teaching people yoga, so the body and the mind and how to use the body to create a very specific state, a very balanced state in the nervous system. And then the coaching really, you know, I never coach anyone without addressing what's going on in the body. Not from a, not, not certainly not from like a necessarily a nutrition perspective, but

just how they hold their body in relationship to what they feel. So their emotions in their body. So that's sort of it in a nutshell. I mean, that's so, that's so important. And I mean, that's kind of why I wanted to bring you on anyways, because that really does, um, health is all encompassing. I feel like sometimes we forget, we get so caught up on like the food that we're putting on our body, but it's also the things that we're consuming.

Also, I kind of feel like we're only as healthy as the relationships that we have in our life. And, you know, and how we feel about ourselves is how we relate to other people. And it can either like really hinder us or in some ways support us even further. So let's talk about that a little bit. The first thing I want to get into is communication. Because this is a huge thing for me. I found for so long I was stuck in this cycle of like trying to be the cool girl, right? Where I wasn't expressing my own needs. I was like, everything is fine. Just, you know, like I'm,

I'm just cool and chill. Yeah. And I didn't want to rock the boat because I felt like expressing my needs would either like scare the person away. But I've also found that if it scares the person away, then they were never my person anyways. Yeah. So the, this is a really common pattern with, uh, women today, especially in twenties, thirties, forties, having to be the cool girl. And, and, and so much of it comes from, um, we have this belief that if we do express ourselves or if we do have a need, then we're high maintenance and high maintenance is like the kiss of death. Right. It's like, once we're called high maintenance, it's like, it's done. It's like, no woman wants to be that. And then if we're high maintenance or we're too emotional or crazy or whatever, then, you know, the person's not going to be into us. And it's such, it's such a trap because

it means that if you're always playing the cool girl, which might actually be an aspect of your personality. In my case, it is to a certain extent. Absolutely. But if really what we're trying to be is authentic as possible and is quote unquote whole as possible, then we have to bring every aspect of ourselves to the table. But in order to do that, we have to be comfortable with the other aspects. And so whenever we think that we have to be a certain way in order to get love, that is always a self-esteem issue. It is because it always comes from this belief, even if it's not conscious that the other parts of myself, the other parts of yourself are not worthy of attention. They're not sexy.

They're not attractive. They're not lovable, whatever it is. And, and, and the right person is going to want to see every part of you. Yeah. No one, no one wants a high maintenance bitch, you know, like nobody wants that either. Of course not. But that's also not who people really are, you know, like that's, that's also something else, you know? So, um, yeah, the, having to be the cool girl is a sign of having to be anything is a sign of not being totally comfortable and centered in who you are. Yeah. And I want to clarify when I say that some of it is like my personality. I just I don't get ruffled easily. Like, I'm pretty chill in general anyways, but I have found that then when I do have something that I'm maybe

not quote unquote chill about, I have a hard time expressing it because then, but then I, what I've found is that what's happening is that then I'm more concerned about them and their needs than like my own needs. And I think it's a balance. Yeah. I think that, so when you get afraid to express your needs, you're afraid how, of how it's going to be received. Yep. Yeah. I think that, so when you get afraid to express your needs, you're afraid of how it's going to be received. Yeah. Yeah. And then you suppress yourself. And then when, you know, then when you suppress yourself and then it does finally come out, maybe it does come out like, like a rage of fire. I don't know, but that happens a lot with people. Um, yeah, I think, I think there's two parts to this. One is understanding that having needs is a foundational part of a relationship and being needy is very different. And then also being able to artfully, artfully express your needs, you know. And I think that this is where people have a really

hard time. I think this is where women in particular have a really hard time is not knowing how to express it in a way that is both firm and vulnerable. It's an art form. So how does someone go about that? Is there a way that we can talk about it or? So why don't you give me, do you want to give me an example of something maybe even if it's not even personal to you of something that like someone wants to express? Um, okay. Well, actually I have an example. So I have a girlfriend who is seeing this guy right now and she was like, I feel like this might be going somewhere. I feel like we have a really amazing connection. And they hung out on maybe, I think it was like Saturday and what's today. It's now Wednesday and, or I'm sorry, they hung out on Sunday and she had texted him something on Sunday and he has still not responded since Sunday.

And I was telling her yesterday, I was like, you know what? I think maybe you just need to call him and be like, Hey, this bothers me that I haven't heard from you in three days. But she's struggling with this point where she's like, we've only been hanging out for two weeks. I feel like I can't say anything yet. So where do you, it's almost like, I feel like you have to teeter this line. Yeah. So, so, so let's talk about this because this is a good example because it's early dating and expressing your needs in early dating is very different than expressing

your needs once you're in a relationship. I mean, we do, you really do have to take into account the stage that the relationship is in. You're just hanging out for a couple of weeks. I would not have her call him and say, it really bothers me that you didn't call me back. What I would tell her is to text him and be like, Hey, forget about me. Like something kind of cute. Like, Hey there, did you miss my last text? Like a little bit of radio silence and then see, you know, and then see, but, but, but it's not, but here's, here's the thing, you know, it can be very, very difficult when you have a connection with someone, you have a great time. And then the person all of a sudden, like, you know, doesn't text you back, you know? And I think that not texting back within a 24 hour period in the very beginning is, produces a lot of anxiety. And I don't think that that's

a good way to keep momentum going. I think when you like someone, you start seeing them, you respond to the text. It doesn't have to be right away, but within 24 hours, I would encourage your friend to not put him on a pedestal because what we tend to do is we have this great connection and then our minds start to project the ideal onto this person. We had an amazing connection. We had an amazing time. And we forget that there's still, you got, people are still proving each other, proving themselves to each other. And it's still really early. So that is something to be like, oh, interesting. They didn't text back. Maybe it could be a million different things. I would just send, if it were me, I would say, Hey there, like, Hey you like living. And so that your potential mate, the person that you start seeing doesn't take up so much energetic, mental, and emotional space.

I think that's so important. It's so important because people think they have to follow by all these rules and all these games. No, all you have to do is ask yourself, what would the part of me that is self-assured and doesn't need this person, what would she do? Because even in every person who has self-esteem issues, and I really mean this, even I, cause I've worked with some people with very, very low self-esteem. They don't have it in every circumstance and in every area of their life. They don't. So you have to draw upon the part of you that isn't so like vulnerable and scared and be like, what would that girl do? How would she respond? She wouldn't be afraid to send the text. She also wouldn't call and say, I didn't, you know, I didn't like that because she's like,

you know, she's sort of like, it's like, I'm too busy living my life. I didn't even notice that kind of thing. Yeah. But I don't even, but you know, you do know, I don't ever want anyone to pretend like they don't notice, like you do notice, but you notice it and you take a mental note of it and you say, okay, I didn't like that. That was weird. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, but now I'm going to see how this is because maybe this person is really not ready for a relationship. That would be the red flag for me. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So then expressing your needs, the next conversation, if they hang out more, would be like, Hey, this is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something really special.

I really dig you. I'm really into you. Do you feel the same way? Yeah. Okay. So I like that you brought this up because this has also been a conversation between me and several of my friends. Do you think that from the very beginning, is it okay to kind of state what you're looking for with, you know, any potential person that you want to date with? And I don't mean that you're like, you know, date to like, I want you to be my boyfriend or I'm, I'm looking to define the relationship. But what I've been doing in my dating life lately, because I'm, I'm really trying to call on my partner right now. So what I've been doing is pretty early on just asking like, Hey, what are you looking for? And then I'm just very honest with them about me. You know,

I'm like, I don't know you yet. So I don't know if, um, if I even like you, but what I'm looking for is my partner. I'm looking for my person, my partner. Do you think that there's like, should I not do that so soon? Or is that okay to be spot on? I think you do that right away. Okay. Right away. I think the biggest mistake that people make these days is that they don't, they don't, they're so afraid to be honest. Yeah. They're so afraid to be honest because they think they're going to scare the person away. Yeah. You say that that's what you're looking for and you scare that person away. That's great because then, you know, they're never going to be a contender. Yeah. So no, I believe in being super, super honest about who you are and what it is that you want from the first second. And, but you know, and also like,

yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. So here's another scenario that happened to me recently. What happens if you state your intentions and then the person comes back saying like, I really, really like you. And I'm not really in a place for a relationship right now, but can we take things slow and see where it goes? Peace out. Okay. So I learned the hard way that I should have peaced out because I let him stick around for a little bit too long. Cause I was like, okay, he really likes me. He's expressed that he's into me. I mean, there were so many other issues that ultimately ended up being major red flags. And I ended up, um, you know, leaving that relationship or wasn't even a relationship, but

okay. So from the get go, if they're like, I don't really know what I want, then you just have to be like, I'm sorry. I'm I know what I want. If they're saying, I really like you and I want to see where it goes, but I don't really want a relationship. All you have to hear is I don't want a relationship. If you want a relationship and someone says they're not ready for a relationship, but I'd like to see where this goes. Hell no. That's what I'm learning too. Yeah. And it's getting easier to do that, but it's, it's hard when you meet someone that you like, and they're like, I really like you. Um, but I just kind of want to see where this goes, which I've been getting so much lately. I don't know if this is LA or if it's just the times that we're in, but I found so many people are just like, Oh, I just, you know, I just wanted to be like,

chill and like, see where it goes. And for me, I'm like, I'm so intentional right now that I, that doesn't feel comfortable for me. It throws me into an anxious state. Of course. Um, yeah, I do think there's sort of an epidemic with that right now. And I think a lot of people are non-committed, but, but there are a lot of people who are. So here's the thing when it comes to, you know, trying to call in the one or call in the partner, you have to be so intentional. You can't give any of these people a chance. And I know that that's going to be really shocking to some people. And of course, like, you know, you never know. There's always, there's always, you know, exceptions to every rule. Don't put yourself in that position.

You want to hang out with someone who, you know, I mean, you're not sure about each other yet, but you're very clear that like, you are in a place in your life where you're, I mean, you're not sure about each other yet, but you're very clear that like, you are in a place in your life where you're open for love, period. End of story. Don't waste your time. Okay. I love that. So do you think, yeah, so I guess it's, it's kind of like a, okay. So I'm trying to think of how to word this question. So when you meet someone and maybe you guys haven't stated your intentions yet, so you don't actually know if they're like looking for something casual or whatever. And let's say that they're like, I really like you. And I think I already know your answer, but I just kind of want to say this out loud anyways,

where they're like, I really like you, but I'm not sure that I want a relationship right now. Do you think that's a cop out where they're saying they don't want a relationship with you? Because of what I've seen happen sometimes is there'll be like, I'm not looking for a relationship. And then the next thing, you know, they're in a relationship with the next person they meet. Yeah. Sometimes I did. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is the person. Absolutely. Sometimes it's where it isn't there, where it is in their life, where they are in their lives for sure. When you, you know, when you're with someone and they're like, I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. And then, you know, you, you stop seeing them and the next

minute they're in a relationship. Yeah. It was something was missing between the two of you that, that they maybe didn't, they didn't even know how to pinpoint it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That does happen. That's so real. It's very real actually. Well, okay. So I have another question for you. Um, what, what would you say to someone that feels like they keep choosing the wrong person? Like they keep choosing the people that won't choose them back. How would you say that that person approaches now their dating life? Because I, I mean, I find personally for me that, yeah, I keep choosing the wrong people. Um, and I'm trying to figure out what that means about me and like the people that I'm attracted to, the people

I'm attracting in maybe like what's going on internally with me to where that's happening. And I know you don't know that exactly, but what is that patterning? I mean, that's like all the things that I do in, in my online singles workshop. But I mean, yeah, if you ha you know, any pattern that you have in relationship that's bringing you suffering, that's making you suffer, that's when you have to go inward and investigate the relationship with yourself and ask yourself tough questions. Like, okay, so I keep choosing the wrong person. Okay, does this wrong person, do they all have something in common? Is there a quality? You know, is there something, is there a pattern within how I relate to them? Is there a similar pattern in that? And so I would be looking for the patterns

and ultimately you'll have to be looking into your relationship with your father. If you're a woman and, you know, or even your mother, honestly, just one of your parents. Often for women, it's dad issues that get translated if they date men. Women who date women, it might be a mom issue, but it's not necessarily, it could be any parent, but you have to look into your relationship with your parents and you have to look into your self-esteem issues. Yeah. Because choosing the wrong person usually translates into I'm not getting love, not getting the respect and the love that I want. I'm not getting my needs met. So it could be that you, um, you have some beliefs about love. Maybe you think you have to try harder

than you really have to try. Maybe you're a pleaser. When I say you, I mean, anyone, you know, um, you, if you keep dating emotionally unavailable people, are you emotionally available? Because something that I have noticed in women is that, so there's a lot of complaints from my, um, from women who I know who are, um, who date men, uh, that there, that there's an epidemic of men being emotionally unavailable. In my experience, it's actually the opposite. I am finding so many women emotionally unavailable. And the way that it is manifesting is as follows. A lot of women have been hurt and they feel very, very vulnerable. And so they get into these relationships where they have their guard up and they're not receptive. And what they're doing,

and most of this is unconscious, they're waiting for their partner, their lover to open up first so that they feel safe to open up. And I see this a lot, particularly between men and women, where women is like, he's not opening to me. He's not emotionally available, but it's her vulnerability. That's actually going to create more vulnerability in her partner. She needs to sort of invite that in by being open. Oh, you know, a woman enters a relationship with a wall. Sure. There's going to be some men who are going to lose some attraction to you because what makes women so beautiful is our vulnerability is our, and what I mean by vulnerability is our courage to open our hearts. And I think that's really what makes women in particular so magnetic but because of fear

women are entering the relationship so blocked so I don't need anyone I don't need you I can do it on my own but but craving the love and needing so much security and safety before they do open that it's screwing them over. And so you have to always look at your own struggle with intimacy and with being seen and your own struggle with self-esteem. Yeah. If you're always choosing the wrong person. And then another thing that I would suggest is a lot of, because we are talking about women in particular here, right? So a lot of women will find themselves choosing the wrong person, man or woman, because they are leading with attraction, meaning like they're chasing the person who they're most turned on by chemically and chemistry-wise. If you are someone who's always getting disappointed by the, in your case, the men who you're choosing, then it could be that your like sexual radar is off.

And what I mean by that is like you're attracted to something that isn't good for you. Yeah. And you have to learn how to prioritize other things that are going to lead to a safer and more secure relationship. Like things like integrity, things like honesty, things like strength, and make those things the most important thing to you. Because even if you choose someone and it ends up being not the right match, if they have integrity, it's not going to, at least you're that much closer to what it is that

you want. Wow. I mean, that's really powerful. I feel least you're that much closer to what it is that you want. Wow. I mean, that's really powerful. I feel like I'm almost speechless because in a way, I feel like you're speaking to me right now too, which is really cool. Yeah. It's a lot to digest. It's a lot to digest. And it, it reminds me of something that I think you said one time in a video, um, where you were saying when someone's trying to call in a person that has, you know, X, Y, and Z, like, for example, I want a good communicator. You have to check in with yourself and be like, am I a good communicator? Am I what I'm trying to call in? Yes. And you can be exactly what you're trying to call in. You never want to be that exactly, you know? Yeah. But yeah,

if you're like, I want someone who's emotionally available, I want someone who's a great communicator. Well, are you available? Like, are you always going to wait for this person to open in order for you to feel safe to open? Or are you going to take some risk? I mean, here's the thing relationship requires risk. It always involves risk. Yeah. So, you know, a while back, my coach once asked me, you know, cause I was like starting, I met someone starting to form a relationship with this man. And one of the things she asked me was, are you willing to

get hurt? Because if you're not, you're not ready for a relationship and it's a mind fuck because no one wants to get hurt. Yeah. But it's hindering us in our relationships now. Cause like you said, we're also scared of getting hurt that no one wants to open up. Nobody wants to open up. So everyone is playing these mental gymnastics and this intimacy gymnastics and no one's really getting close to each other. Yeah. I mean, I had another dating experience recently where I had this guy who, um, I'm learning to be more vulnerable. I think I've really had some hangups in the past, but I've learned what you were saying, um, that I just need to take the leap and be more vulnerable.

Um, so I'm trying. And so, you know, I was to the best of my ability being pretty vulnerable with this guy that I was seeing for a bit. And we kept coming up to the, we kept hitting these walls because he would allow so much space for me to be super vulnerable. He'd be really things about him, but then he wouldn't open up and talk to me and tell me anything. And then he'd get angry and defensive and he'd be like, upset that I didn't know him better. And I was like, you're not giving me anything to work with. Um, and that was really hard. Yeah. Well, first of all, I mean, I think that, I also think that, you know, one has to ask themselves like how open and vulnerable do I really want my partner to be with me? Because sometimes, because some people really prefer to have a partner who's, who creates a safe container for them. So some people want a partner who creates a safe container for them to be able to be more vulnerable with them. Some people enter a relationship and they really want their partner to be as vulnerable with them as they are with them, but not everybody wants that. Yeah. You know, the whole, why don't you read my mind thing? That's always, that's always a problem. And I, and so in a situation like that, I, you know, you just have to be very direct. I

can't read your mind and I need you to be able to tell me certain things, you know, so that I can, so that I can be a better partner to you. Yeah. Well, okay. So if for someone listening right now that is struggling to be really open and vulnerable in the relationships, what would your advice be to them and how to, where to start, what to do? So, you know, and this, this goes for man or woman, you know you know it's just it's always connecting to the softer side of you so for some that would be i recommend particularly for women dancing i think that's really really important because you have to work with your body because

you know vulnerability is a state and all states are comprised of something that we're doing with their body. And it's stuff that we're saying in our heads and it's stuff that we are, um, that we are, you know, feeling in any given moment. So I would work, I would have that person work with their body, spend time in nature, spend time with friends spend time dancing um you know if stuff like that um so that would be the first thing is just to get more comfortable with that side of yourself let alone how it is in a relationship you have to make friends with the part of yourself that is softer and more receptive. So that would be the first thing that I would have someone do. And then don't, don't invest, if you're someone who has been hurt a lot in the past, you know, and I tell this to women all the time in particular,

don't invest in a potential partner who does not make you feel safe. Now, I know that's a little bit of paradoxical to what I was saying. It's like, you can't, but at the same time, you can't always wait to be safe, to be vulnerable. It really is a dance, you know, but you do have to have someone that you feel sort of safe with to do that. Um, and so we have, all of us have instinctive qualities and instinctive reactions. And then we have, we have responses that are from our higher mind, right? So we have the instinctive part, which is responding to fear. And then we have the, the higher mind that's sort of more open and people who are really afraid and afraid to be

vulnerable and they get into a relationship, you're always going to be wanting to react from the instinctive place. Oh, we, we notice a threat. I have to, I have to retreat. I have to build that wall. But the higher mind, and this is why I think relationship is really such a spiritual game. It just is. The higher mind is the part of you that says, okay, the instinctive part of me, which is sort of like Alison Armstrong, which is who's an amazing relationship teacher talks about like the cave woman, right? Like the cave woman in me

is going to want to react to this by shutting down or by controlling or anything like that, whatever your sort of like go-to is in a relationship when you are not behaving your best. But the higher mind in me, the one that's wiser, the one that actually has a desire to transcend my fear and to transcend my triggers, she's the one who is willing to take risk. And I think that in a relationship, we are, when we're starting to see someone at every stage of a relationship, from the very beginning to middle to end, we're always presented with an opportunity and with a choice. Am I going to go instinctive right now, or am I going to go higher mind right now? And that's what I like to teach people, is how to become a more conscious person in relationship where you really are going to take the risks necessary

so that you are responding from a place that even if the relationship goes to hell and doesn't work out, you can later look at yourself in the mirror and say, at least I showed up the way that I, um, in a, according to the standard that I hold for myself. Yeah. That's all you can really do. It's all you can really do, you know, is did I do my best? You know, did I, what is, and, but, but in order to do that, to do that, you have to really define what your standard is. And people get very hung up on what their standard is for another person. And when you enter a relationship, you have to be very with this person that this is the standard that I hold for myself. This is what the standard that I hold for a relationship. And ultimately this is the standard that I hold for you about any particular thing. You know, what do you think

about that? Do you agree? And then you can make your decision accordingly. So where does, I mean, this might be a little bit veering off, but where does like, um, I hear a lot of people talking about, um, self-abandonment where in a relationship, um, yeah, you have these certain standards that you feel, um, like, or certain needs that you feel like you need that they need to be fulfilled in order for you to feel safe and comfortable in this relationship. And if you find yourself in a relationship with someone where you're like, your needs are not getting met, but you like them so much, you're in a way like abandoning yourself just to like, keep this person around. Yeah. You're severing the connection with yourself in order to maintain the connection with them. And that's really the heart of codependency, by the way. I mean, that's really the heart of codependency,

by the way. I mean, that's really what codependency is all about. The relationship hot word right now, I feel like. It's kind of, it's actually annoying how much it is, but that's ultimately what it is. And this is just part of it. I think that when people go through a very traumatic or catastrophic breakup, ultimately the deepest suffering that I think people experience is when they're processing that relationship and the demise of it is, why didn't I show up better for myself? Why did I compromise who I am to keep this? And that's, I think that that's ultimately where it is. It's like anything that goes wrong in a relationship, if we're going to process and process well, it's always comes down to your relationship with yourself. And so that's really what self-abandonment is. It's like, it's a,

it's, and we've all done it by the way, we've all done it. It's part of, yeah. I mean, who hasn't? No, no, we all have done it. You know, we don't, no one teaches us in school. You know, allowing don't, no one teaches us in school. You know, allowing another human being to enter your reality and distort your perception of your own reality, right? That's what gaslighting is. Yeah. And although you don't hear people talking about it so much,

I hear it through my clients, you clients, when you've been gaslit, ultimately what that person at the final stages of their processing has to come to terms with is, why did I allow that? Why did I allow that? Why did I allow that? Well, in a way it helps you in your next relationships because then you won't do it again. Absolutely. Well, that's where the non-negotiables are. I mean, if you've been in a relationship that was really toxic, not every relationship that ends is unhealthy or toxic. It just expires. Right. But if you've been in a really toxic relationship, then you're like, you have to set very serious boundaries for yourself. Never again. Well, I go for this kind of person, which means even if they're the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life, I'm going to run in the opposite direction. The moment I get, I get a clue that this person is this way. Or if I have a pattern

of only dating those who I think are the hottest people, like I'm so attracted to, and it always goes to hell, well, there's a sign there. Maybe what you should do is form a mental connection with someone first. So it goes from your head, then to your heart, then see if there's an emotional connection and then down to the vagina, honestly, rather than the other way around heart mind go in the opposite direction. Actually, this is a perfect segue. Cause I was going to say sex. Should you wait to get to know someone or does it really matter? It matters a lot. And I think it matters. I think it matters for both men and women. I think it matters particularly for women. I think, you know,

women, we have so much societal trauma around sex. I mean, it's just, even if you've never had any personal trauma around sex it's, it's part of our history and our, you know, being objectified for years. I mean, it's, it's a big thing. And I also, it's a hormonal thing. You know, women after orgasm, they release a ton of oxytocin, which is like the bonding neurotransmitter men do not because estrogen is what makes it so that we produce that. And so we bond a lot after orgasm. Men don't. This is a biological fact. And it's not that they don't bond it. Men don't bond at all. They just,

they just don't have the same because they have a higher level of testosterone and we have a much higher level of estrogen. And so I'm all for women doing whatever it is that they want. But if a woman really, really likes someone and she sleeps with this person before they know if this person is in alignment with them, the feelings are reciprocated. You run into some trouble. Now in the past, the rule would be a woman should wait because that's what makes her more desirable, right? Like she should play the hard to get. I don't look at it that way at all. I look at it. I think that the modern way to look at it is know yourself. If you get attached, once you have sex and you get attached, you're not going to have as much clarity and you're going to tolerate a lot more bullshit. So I really think that you wait until you know that the person is, has an emotion, has formed an emotional connection with you, not just a physical connection. Because people get really confused with physical connection. They get, if they haven't done work on themselves, if they,

if they struggle in relationship, they let a physical connection create this intense attachment. And yet they don't know if there's a true emotional connection or if they're in alignment with one another. And that's the, those are often the relationships that become toxic very quickly. So everyone can do what they want. My recommendation for women, especially when they have had a string of disappointing relationships, is you wait. You wait until there is an emotional connection on both sides. Yeah. And that you both want the same thing. That's huge. So that you don want the same thing.

So that you don't get yourself into a situationship, quote unquote, that's also a buzzword right now, and lie to yourself about what your needs are so that you can maintain the connection. Well, and then you're doing the self-abandonment thing at that point or playing the cool girl, which is the same thing. Which is also self-abandonment in its own way, right? Because you can't be anything other than the cool girl, which is the same thing. Which is also self-abandonment in its own way, right? Because you can't be anything other than the cool girl.

You can't actually be the other parts of yourself because if you are, then that means you won't have love. Yeah. And you risk them like, you know, running away from you, essentially abandoning you. Yeah. By you revealing who you are. You got to get comfortable with the parts of yourself. You know, you got, you have to, you know. Yeah. By you revealing who you are, you got to get comfortable with the parts of yourself. You know, you got, you have to, you know? Yeah. And I've found too, that I just have to change the narrative in my head because for so long I was, you know, when I would get vulnerable and open

up and then the person didn't want to be with me or it caused them to ghost me or whatever it was, you know, I would always say like, Oh, you know, it just means that I wasn't good enough or they weren't attracted to me. But I started changing that narrative in my head where I'm like, actually, thankfully this happened because I dodged a bullet. Now that's, that's the best mental reframe that you can make. Cause you're right. Because they weren't my person. If, if me like expressing my needs or whatever it was that caused them to run away, um, wasn't okay. Yeah. They weren't my person. And this is what I've really been. These are a lot of the conversations that I've been having with girlfriends of mine who, you know, have

been really struggling with dating. And then I'm also having to have the conversation with myself. Um, cause man, it's hard. It's dark out there right now. Well, yeah, it's very hard. The COVID and all of that. It's very, very, very challenging for sure. And I, and it's, it's hard. Yeah, it's definitely hard. And I do think certain cities are harder than others, but I would just really strongly encourage you

and to all your listeners, like you have to believe that it's possible for you and you have to be so comfortable. You're not going to love every part of yourself. None of us are, we all have shadow parts that we're just like, Oh God. But ultimately you have to be able to reconcile with the, with the parts that you don't love and just be comfortable with yourself and know that it's, it's going to be around the corner and make your life a life you enjoy living so that you're not, you're not holding yourself back, you know, you know, the greatest leverage is I like my life, whether who, no matter who's in it or not. Yeah. Like they're kind of the icing on the cake. They're not the

person that's going to come in like quote unquote. Yeah. And, but I, and I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want people to misread my message. I think love is what we're made for. I think partnership is what we're made for. I think that there have been enough studies to suggest that, you know, being in a loving relationship is actually very, very good for your health, but being in a crappy relationship is equally detrimental to your health. So it behooves everyone to be patient so that you're with the right person. And I don't want people to stop wanting it. I just want them to believe that it's possible and to not think about it all the time. I love that. I love that. Well, and this takes me to another question that I had. I find that sometimes we, we overcomplicate

these kinds of things. Like, um, we start making excuses for the person, right? Like just, you know, to go back to my friend earlier, um, we were starting to go down that path of, well, he just hasn't texted because he's, you know, she started saying he's scared or, um, women love to say that women love to tell themselves that lie. Um, it's actually a sex in the city episode about that as well with Miranda. I don't know, but I love it. Yeah. It's a lie. He's not contacting you. It's not because he's scared. I mean, is there a chance of that? Maybe? No, it's something else. It could be that he's totally preoccupied. It could be that, um, it could be a, it could be a lot of things that actually has nothing to do

with you. It could be that they're, um, they could be confused. It could be, I really, really like this person, but is it the right time? That's not the same thing as fear. It just means that they're like slowing the pace down. Yeah. So do you think timing really does play a role? Cause we hear all the time, like timing is everything. Do you think that that is true? I think timing is actually important. I do. I really, really do. I think that there are, um, you can meet an incredible person, but let's say that person, I'm just using this as a random example. You know, they just, their parent just died. Yeah. You know, this, this could be the

person that you could have an amazing relationship with, but it's not the right time. And you just have to trust that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like I met this amazing guy last year and he was fresh out of a divorce. He had been in a relationship for 12 years and there was a lot of talk about timing. He really wanted to be able to do his own thing. He'd been in a relationship for so long and there was this struggle inside of me of like, is it actually that, or is it really just because it wasn't there for me? And who knows, but this is kind of why I'm asking these questions because I feel like we, we overcomplicate things sometimes. And we, like I was saying, we make up all these excuses

and I kind of wonder if, you know, if just at the end of the day, like if it's, if it's meant to be, it's going to work. Yeah. I mean, I believe like you're right. People do make all these excuses. No, if it's not happening, it's not supposed to happen. That's not your person. I don't know. Is that person going to be your person in a year from now? No one knows. No one has a crystal ball, but I know for sure they're not your person right now. And you just have to kind of accept it. And it sucks when you have a connection with someone, you like someone. But again, our minds will project the ideal onto people who we barely know. We will romanticize people we barely know. And we do it a lot.

And then we create this loss, the story of loss when they're, when whatever, when the timing's not right. And then we grieve a person we barely know all because we projected this ideal onto them. And I think that's where you really have to watch your mind. So I was the queen of this and I'm so proud of myself because I've gotten out of this patterning. But what I would always do is I was so focused on liking this person and getting them to like me that I wasn't even checking in with myself to see if I even liked them. If we even actually really had a connection because I was putting them on this pedestal.

Yeah, it happens all the time. I mean, when I realized that, yeah, I was like, like mind blown. And so now when I'm going into a new, whatever it is, a date, a relationship, whatever, I'm constantly checking in with myself. Like, yeah, this guy's great. But like, how do I feel about them? Like, how do I feel around them? How's our connection? Do I feel supported by them? Because that's really changed the whole, my whole narrative in my head about it, my perspective and the way that I go into relationships now. Which is fantastic. I love that. Yeah. Because the lower self-esteem

will kind of, and also conditioning will tell you, you know, you have to win the person like a prize. You have to be the one that's chosen. And so we get so focused on being chosen that again, we don't actually check in with ourselves. Another form of self-abandonment by the way. Yeah. Yeah. There's a theme around self-abandonment here. Yeah. And it's always goes down. It always comes back to a self-esteem issue and a scarcity, like a think thing, thinking that like, you know, you have to be chosen because if you're not chosen that somehow you're not good enough or there's not going to be another one. And everything shifts for a person when they step into their worth.

And what I mean by stepping into the worth, because that's also an overused frame is phrase is they become comfortable with who they are. Yeah. And they understand their value. And, and there's too many, cause I've worked with a fair amount of female teenagers, you know, like girls who will stop hanging out with their friends because of a guy. I mean, it's just happening. It happens too much.

And the antidote is never to teach a young girl you don't need a partner, you know, because we do, we do need each other. And I think that that's been a little bit of the, what, what some people are being taught. And I think that's very detrimental. That makes it, that makes someone who has a ton to come and they're going to go like weather. And the person you end up with, ultimately, like you choose each other, but it's your choice too. It's your choice. Stop waiting to be chosen. That would be like the biggest advice I would give to women who are, who get caught up in that pattern that you so eloquently described as, you know, focusing on them. Do they like me? And, you know, trying to adjust myself so that I could be loved or liked or attracted to just stop waiting to be chosen. So in that same breath, stop waiting to be chosen. Then how do you approach it then? Um, just focus on who you want to choose. Yeah. What you mean? Okay. What did it, you have to define what it is that you want.

Yeah. And then ask yourself, okay, well, I'm not attracting that person. Okay. Well, am I showing up? Am I being vulnerable? Am I being open? Am I showing up with all the walls? Am I showing up as cool girl? Am I, you know, like all of these things that don't, that aren't authentic is only going to attract people who are not authentic. And so, like I said, we are, you want a relationship, you got to face fears, major fears. And you have to be very, very clear about not only the kind of person you want, but the kind of relationship that you want and be relentlessly committed to that. And your commitment to the kind of relationship that you want is going to mean a commitment to yourself and the relationship with yourself, a commitment to not just saying yes to the first person who comes around because you feel, you know, chemistry. It's gotta be more. And that's why I say, if you have a habit of having a lot of disappointments in love, go slow, get to know someone. Yeah. You brought up something else that I wanted to touch

on compatibility versus chemistry. Is there a difference? And how can you tell? Compatibility means like we like to do the same things. Yeah. We like to do the same thing. Compatibility can lead to chemistry, but people can have tremendous amount of like physical chemistry,

but they're not really compatible. Like they don't want to have the same kind of vacation. A Sunday afternoon looks very different to one versus the other. Now it doesn't mean that everything is the same. That would be really boring. But ultimately, like I really think like how you want an ideal Sunday afternoon has to be in alignment, you know, like how you want to spend it. Does one

person want to go like, you know, bungee jumping and the other one wants to read and bet like little things like that. So it is different. It is definitely different. And I think that you need both. Also, you know, sometimes compatibility comes with having some opposite stuff. You know, it doesn't always look exactly the same, but compatibility also is, do you see the world pretty similarly? Not everything, because that would be very boring and you wouldn't have any interesting conversations, but do you fundamentally view the world very similarly? Do you have a compatibility of values? Yeah. All that stuff is very, very important because, and, and these, these questions that

we ask ourself are very much dependent on life stage. You know, alignment at when you're like 20 is not as important as alignment when you're 35, 40, 45. Because after a certain age, people are looking for long-term, right? They're looking for partnership. I wasn't looking for partnership in my 20s. At 20, I wasn't looking for partnership. I was just looking for like, I was looking for love, but like partnership. Yeah, fun and love.

I wanted all of that. But so it really just depends on the stage of life you're in. Like, do you want something? Are you ready for the thing that is going to last until you die or ideally last until you die? Because that means you have to shift your priorities. You have to, you know, you have to change the way you think about relationships. I love this. So I just love this conversation.

It's so powerful. Well, to end, um, you kind of touched on this already, but I just wanted to end on this note for anyone listening. That's really struggling during this time with their dating life. What maybe advice would you give them? What would you want to tell them? Yeah. So hard. Well, it's not going to last forever. And one positive piece of advice is that I have noticed that there are more people now that really want love. They really do. You know, I mean, people, this whole thing has shown a lot of people what's important to them. They've shown that a lot of people are kind of seeing the value in nesting with another human being. So you're not alone.

There's a lot, there's millions upon millions of people across the world with taking it slow and not jumping into, you know, swapping spit and getting to like really know someone and get outside to your coffee place. Like, I know it's really hard in winter, but like, get out of your house because you're not going to meet them in your house. If you know dating apps, some people have luck with them. Some people it's a nightmare, but. You have to bring some lightness and fun to it, and it can't be so heavy and serious. And every time you have the thought, this is never going to happen, this is going to take forever thought this is never going to happen this is going to take forever this is never going to happen your thoughts do create your reality and you have to really watch those thoughts it's not true it's just not true and so mind your fear is what I would

say awesome I love that so much well tell everyone where they can find you. So JillianTerecki.com. My passion project right now is a membership called the Conscious Woman Membership. And it's for women of all ages and all different stages of relationship, single, divorce, in a relationship. And it's like every piece of content I've ever developed is in there. And then I'm going to do live monthly live, um, webinars with my, with my people and, and, and every, uh, every month adding a new thing to the repertoire of that. Um, and then my Instagram at Jillian Turecki. And then also, sorry, anyone going through a breakup, they have to get my heartbreak workbook. I mean, I only, I price it at 20 bucks. It's 127

page downloadable PDF, and it outlines the exact steps I took to recover from my devastating divorce, um, almost seven years ago. So I would recommend, and that's that, that you can get, um, the link of my bio on my Instagram, or you can go literally right to my site and you can download that right away and get started. Hey, well, we're, we're going to add all of this to the show notes and also definitely follow her on Instagram guys. Her advice, your videos are amazing.

They're just really, really great advice. So I highly recommend everyone listening to go follow her. Well, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you so much for having me. This is a Resonant Media production produced by Drake Peterson and mixed by Chris McCone. The song is by georgie as always please don't forget to rate and review the podcast it really helps me in this show a lot see you next week Thank you. I know. Bye. Thank you. Bye.