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I wanted to take a moment and explain something to you.
I was going to leave this whole thing alone and let people think whatever they wanted to think about me.
But it's been bugging me.
I know over the last two years there's been a few shows where I sound like I'm slurring.
And I have been.
And I wanted to tell you the truth and tell you why.
But I was embarrassed about it.
But in order to tell you that story, I have to tell you this story first.
As many of you know, I worked in Vegas as a bouncer, and we were armed.
I'll skip over that whole part and how I got that job.
I got a little bamboozled into it.
Trust me, I'm going somewhere with this, so hang on.
Let's skip past the hiring process, which is its own hilarious story, and jump ahead.
I remember my first week on the job.
They asked me to go clear a bar on the property.
But wait for backup, because there were several people in the bar fighting.
What a vague term to use.
What does that mean?
Two, three, six?
No problem.
Or so I thought.
As I entered the bar, there was about 20 or 30 people fighting.
The fight started over some Navy guy running his mouth off to an army guy.
Apparently different branches of the military don't get along.
But that was none of my business.
It was time to clock in and go to work.
I was going to clear this bar.
People were free to leave on their own.
Or I was happy to make them leave.
It didn't really matter to me at the time.
Either way, they were leaving.
I made it to about halfway through the bar, and I just happened to look up.
I remember seeing this kid.
Couldn't have been more than 18 years old.
Not sure how he got in the bar.
About that time he hit me,
I'd never been hit so hard in my life.
You ever heard the term having your bell rung?
He got me across the jaw with a full beer bottle.
I was pretty sure he broke my jaw.
Those bottles don't break like they do in the movies.
He stood there looking at me.
Everything went into slow motion.
I felt the room dim.
my legs felt like they were going to buckle.
I went down to one knee.
I couldn't have told you what planet I was on at the time.
I remember looking down at my boots, wondering, where did all this blood come from?
Oh, that's my blood.
I just spent the last five minutes giving everyone in this bar a what for.
I couldn't black out.
I'm not going to die on the floor of this bar tonight,
but I am in no condition for round two.
I could still move my jaw, so I know he didn't break it.
But I was pretty sure he broke several of my back teeth.
A full beer bottle.
What a dick.
And why is this guy still standing there above me?
What's he waiting for me to pass out so he can stab me?
Oh, that's right, I forgot.
I'm armed.
I quickly got back up on my feet.
I drew my weapon, and I heard the...
someone across the bar yell,
Gun!
The whole bar scattered,
except for that kid and two of his friends.
I walked him out to the sidewalk
while we waited for the cops.
Parts of my molars in my hand,
covered in blood.
Through a fog of a raging migraine,
the kid told me that he was so sorry.
He thought I was with the Army guys.
He didn't realize that I had worked there.
He was standing over me to make sure
that no one hurt me, he thought for sure I was going to black out. He had worked so hard in the
Navy to get a certain rank. I couldn't tell you what rank he was. He didn't care about going to jail.
He was more worried about losing his rank and being punished by the military. I let him go.
The next day, I tried to find a dentist who would actually put crowns on those teeth.
Nobody would do it, except for one.
Chinese man. I think he took pity on me. The assistant said that they wouldn't last more than
five years. The dentist in his broken English told me, hands up. Protect your face. Hands up. Thanks for the
tip. I'm sure most of you are aboard at this point. I get it. But there's a reason I'm telling you this.
I'm going to go ahead and fast forward this story about a year and a half later. Most people don't
don't know, when you walk down what you think is the public sidewalk is actually owned by the casino.
That's their property.
And another thing you may not know, every one of these casinos has their own personal jail cell.
You never want to end up there.
Well, she's all you'd ever want.
She's the kind that like to flaunt and take to date.
She always knows her place.
She's got style.
She's got grace.
She's a winner.
I was starting to really hate this place.
Too much of the worst of mankind.
Prostitution is against the law in Las Vegas, but so is jay walking.
You could always hear the prostitutes walking.
They had these high heels you could hear clicking on the concrete.
How they never broke their ankles is beyond me.
Following right behind these women were these pimps.
I always called them cockroaches.
Whenever I was always working out on the strip, I made it known that,
they were not allowed to cross the line on our property.
The women would always be lined to the property line because they knew once they crossed
that property line, those men were no longer allowed to follow.
Their options were to go back the way they came or they could cross over Las Vegas Boulevard.
It didn't really matter to me, but they weren't coming on our property.
It was entertaining at times, watching them try and cross over Las Vegas Boulevard.
Remember the game Frogger? While in this situation, I was rooting for the cars.
There was one of these sex traffickers I hated more than the rest of them. Pimps, whatever
title you want to give them. I called them cockroaches, because that's what they were.
This donkey would walk up and down the strip in his little pinstripe suit, and he sure loved
to run that smug East Coast mouth of his. I had humiliated him on a few occasions. He didn't care
for me and I didn't care for him. He would never cross the property line because he knew there'd be
an altercation and him and I had had several altercations. This particular night he did cross the
property line. I remember grabbing him and I was going to handcuff him and take him upstairs under
suspicion of card counting, wink wink, while we called the cops. I knew he had warrants for his
arrest. And if half the stories that the girls told me were true about this guy, he belonged in
prison. About the time I grabbed his pretty little suit, that's the last thing I remember.
The security footage would show there wasn't one cockroach, there was two. I lent my emotions
get the best of me and forgot rule number one. Always be aware of your surroundings.
The man was later caught and is sitting in prison today. And if it only cost me a few,
more shady crowns than it was worth it. I would later leave Las Vegas and return home. Remember those
shady crowns? Let's fast forward to two years ago. I woke up that morning with the worst tooth
pain ever. It went down my neck, almost into my chest, and it felt like it was radiating
all the way up to my ear. I had to be seen. I made an appointment that day to see the dentist.
The dentist refused to numb me up.
He said my blood pressure was so high I was at stroke level.
I would later find out it was an infection underneath those crowns.
He claimed that it could kill me.
It could go into your heart and kill you.
I'm not so sure I buy into that, but I took it serious.
The last two years of my life have been pretty painful.
I've had the crowns replaced and implants put in.
I never wanted to talk about it on the air.
I know there's been some shows where I've been slurry.
And I read online, I'm drinking, I'm burnout, I'm depressed, I'm this and that, and it hurts.
Because the actual truth is, I've been swollen.
Every time I go in for a procedure, I'm swollen for about a week.
And it causes me to slur at times.
The good news is I'll be done with everything by the end of next month.
I thought I owed you an explanation, and I'm sorry you had to sit through all my vagus stories for me to get to the simple explanation.
I have a weird phobia about teeth, but I appreciate you still listening, even though you think I'm drinking during the show.
And that's the explanation.
Until next time, everyone.
and she knows just