Sleep Deprived Podcast - HOW TO STEAL - SDP #82

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

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Hey everybody, welcome back to Sleep Deprived Podcast, episode 82. All men are friends. Hey, listen, you'll never be Eminem. You're not, like ever. Who, me? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I know you couldn't spit.

You're not even saying the words. You're not even mumbling. Eminem would not do that. Eminem would never do that. He does that all the time. No, he goes like awfully hot, coffee pot. Oh, he does that. He doesn't do like, he doesn't do that.

He's not a little fucking kid. All right? He raps with power. Passion. And pose. And poise. And yeah. Hey everybody. Welcome back to Sleep Deprived Podcast

Episode 82. What's going on with your voice? How's it going everybody? Slad, are you okay? Today we're talking about more stuff. Yeah, talking about stuff, man. This is what I sound like when I'm completely out of ideas. Talking about

stuff, man. So what are we going to talk about, guys? What are we going to talk about? What are the ideas? What are the ideas? Do we have any recording topics to talk about? I have plenty of ideas. I have plenty many ideas. What are we going to talk about on the podcast today?

It's episode 82. We've done this so many times for five years in a row. Something special for episode 82, okay? Now, hold on here. Mika has said that we should do something special for episode 100, which I think should happen, but what should that be? I think we should... Oh, you know what should that be? I think we should...

Oh. You know what, Astro? I couldn't agree more. I'm going to have to be a hard no. I'd really... Oh, you're going to have to be hard. I was getting really excited there. What if we take you out to dinner?

It's still going to be a no from me, man. Take you to a movie. Yeah, it's going to be a no. You could be the pitcher, even. What does that mean? You could record it, it mika you got all the good angles no it's gonna be a no but if if that's what the the plan is gonna be i'm just gonna i'm gonna just be as far away from yeah can i be a pitcher you know for all the crazy little words like goatsy and jelk that i come up with i don't know what the fuck you you mean at all the pitcher pitcher and the catcher there's a pitcher and a catcher yeah okay so the catcher is the ass and the pitcher is the dick? Yeah. Okay.

You want to be the pitcher? Yeah. To me, a panda fits the pitcher role. Then what am I? I don't know about that one. I think you're just like home plate. Dude, I would go insane. I'd be like...

You just lay on the ground and we'll just stand there. I'd be the Tasmanian devil. Extinct and dead? I'd make your hair all messy and then you'd stumble out of it with one foot. No one has ever used that as a sex term. No one has ever said,

I am the Tasmanian devil. Asher, you'd be seeing birds flying around your head. This is one of the worst things I've flying around your head this is one of the worst things i've ever heard like this discussion is one of the worst discussions i think i've ever had the like misfortune to listen to well why don't you know what i mean think of something better yeah think of something better if we're if we're so bad at what we do okay something brilliant. Okay. I'm not saying you guys are bad at what you do. I think you guys are great podcasters. But.

What a horrible thing to tell us. Tell somebody. But, okay, listen. How is this for a topic, okay? Listen to this, right? Okay, yeah. He's going to talk about, he's going to start gonna start talking about like fucking math equations i swear to god no no no no no no i'm gonna ask you guys a genuine question okay okay yeah yeah do you guys

ever just like think about where you are in life and you're just like man how did i like end up here and like all the mistakes i've made to end up at this point and like i could have just been on like a much better road and like been happier and more fulfilled i never think you're you're saying you're not happy with the pod no that's not what i'm saying at all no i don't feel that way i don't feel that way mika and astro how far have you shoved that avipositor up? What? Mika, that's a very destructive mindset.

I think you're breaking up. Thanks, Panda. You're probably right. Is there something that... I mean, let's unpack this, Mika. It felt like it was very much like a cry for help, what you just said. Yeah, are you okay? No, I'm okay. We could try some therapy or something.

Okay. I'm pretty good at that. Sure, yeah. Okay, what color am I thinking of right now? Blue. Green. Blue? Blue?

Okay, that says a lot about you. What does it say? Let me see your palm. Okay, here you go orange i'm gonna spit in it okay oh god what no this is therapy you really didn't have oh it's therapy okay yeah you didn't have to spit in my hand right there that crease is the alternative medicine people talk about yeah see how that crease is absorbing the spit yeah yeah um okay i'm analyzing it all right i'm touching oh i see what it is can you choose the next words that come out of your mouth very carefully i i see what it is um

that one is okay moist can you censor that one more time okay no i'll do it i'll it for real. Let me touch you. Dude, you could have worded that better. Alright, you're in love with a panda. That's what it is. I would do the whistle. That's what's been getting you down. I just did the whistle, but my microphone

didn't cut it, but I just did that. They do say hate and love are two sides of the same coin. Hate and love? Do you hate me? I didn't did that. They do say hate and love are two sides of the same coin. Hate and love? Do you hate me? I didn't say that. What does that mean, hate and love? What does that mean?

Do you hate a panda? No, man, I don't. Wait, let me read his other hand. Let me read his other hand. You don't have to spit in it, dude. No, wait, one more. Yeah, he hates you. Damn.

Hey. It all started three years ago What did I do Tell me Usher what did I do Let's just say he didn't like those tweets Hey a lot of my tweets were bangers I made gold on the daily He didn't like the tweets

I remember like Here we go Complaining about a panda tweet. You guys have done this three times already. I know. My tweets were so bad. Scrolling through Twitter on public transit in New York City. Oh, my God.

And then some fucking anime girl getting creamed in pops up because you liked the tweet. Like, you'd retweet some of them, even. Hey, that was a few times. Listen, I think, you know, I think I've got a good topic that we could talk about if you guys want. Okay. Okay. I know we're all struggling to find a topic right now. Yeah. Okay, but here's a good one.

How do you guys think the world is going to end and will it happen soon enough? You didn't make that up. You stole that. I caught you red-handed. What happened? Where are you still from? He got that from Patreon. Oh, man.

He was pretending like, oh, I got this from the top of the top. I never said that I made the idea. No, you did. All you listeners can go to patreon.com slash sleepdepri deprived and pledge $5 a month and get an extended version of the podcast and an awesome little Discord server and so much more. Please, for the love of God, do it. And audio listeners heard it first.

They did hear it first. So, how do I think the world is going to end? And will it happen soon enough? I'm not really a doomsday believer. I don't think we're going to not really a doomsday believer i don't think we're gonna end in in like a nuclear proliferation i don't think that's gonna happen i think the people who run the world while they may seem really dumb i don't think they're like that

dumb that they'd end everything because they enjoy power so like they're not gonna they're not gonna kill off everybody because they that then they would have nothing left to rule you know yeah that makes sense so how do you think the world will end yeah i don't know i hope i i hope i outlive it let's just say that you want to outlive like you want to become like immortal like a god? Oh no, I misspoke. I don't want to see it. I want to die. You want to die? Sounds like you need some therapy too. I don't know, man. Should I spit in your hand?

No, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm smiling right now. I'm smiling. Asher, how do you think the world's going to end? How do I think the world's going to end? Yeah. Honestly, a panda.

I think you're gonna be a part of it. What am I gonna do? Just the way you talk, the way you talk and strut your stuff. My what? The way you strut your stuff. What about my stuff? What's wrong with them?

The way you parkut your stuff. What about my stuff? What's wrong with them? The way you park that truck just has me a little concerned. Am I dumpy? No, I didn't say that. I could see a panda destroying the world. I could see it happening.

Something I think about a lot is that how has there not been a person yet that has made a black hole? How has there not been someone with a lot of money and a lot of time that just wanted to end the entire world and they just made a black hole in their backyard? What do you mean make a black hole? Do you think that's just a thing you can do? Dude, if someone's rich enough, I bet they could do it. Brother, you need to crush all of the mass in this entire galaxy into the size of a fucking penny to do that like that it's not no one's ever going to be able to do that okay okay maybe maybe not a black hole

but what about the biggest nuclear bomb ever how come no one's i feel like there's one billionaire that wants to see the world burn someone has already made the biggest nuclear bomb like the biggest nuclear bomb exists no, to completely destroy the planet and make parts of it shatter into space. You want that? No, I'm asking, how come that hasn't happened? It sounds like you want that. I don't want that. Why would I want that?

Because you're a little fucking goblin freak. Is it so far-fetched to think a panda is going to be the cause of the end of the world? When he wants someone to make the biggest nuclear bomb ever? I don't want them to! I don't think panda has a shred of power to make the world end. I'm not going to lie.

I think you can do it bit by bit. This is kind of unrelated, but it's on the topic of the world ending. Did you guys know there's five or four estimated rogue black holes just like ping-ponging their way through the milky way galaxy is it coming our way i don't know but like it could like arrive here like it could be here and it would we would not know it would just be

too late does this shit like we would just get like noodled in noodled into the black hole like little spaghetti noodles. I'll be having a normal day and he just tells me the worst fact ever. And it like ruins my whole life. I'll just be thinking about it for the whole night. Really? Like the other day I was, you know, when I went camping and I was talking about how I was washing my hands and drying them off. I don't know why.

And Mika was like, oh, you don't want to know. Like there's poop particles in there. And then I'll be like, I'll just be minding my own business that he hits me up he's like oh be careful at any moment you could just you know get out of swallow he's talking about that on the pod it's just every moment how do you forget how to swallow fact no we've talked about this you can't talk about this we've talked about this listen i just i would never forget how to swallow. Listen, I just want you guys to be well informed and protected from the dangers. I don't want to be informed. You ever heard the old adage? It's like ignorance is bliss, man.

How do you forget how to swallow? This raises an interesting question. Would you rather not know anything at all and just live in a microdome? Yes. Or would you rather know all the secrets of the universe i would that would be such a big burden to bear i think i would disintegrate all the secrets i think the stress would just get to you but like if you knew all the secrets of the universe you would know how to just not care that you know all the exactly yeah like you you would just be chilling because you know all the things in the universe. Exactly, yeah. Like, you would just be chilling, because you would know. But I think your body

physically couldn't handle it. But why not? It's just so much information that, like, it's literally everything. Like, your brain would just turn off. That's fair. Yeah, okay, genuine question. Have you guys ever been thinking so hard, like,

you're doing a math question or something, and you, like, literally feel your head get hot from, like, thinking so hard? That's doing a math question or something and you like literally feel your head get hot from like thinking so hard that's literally like a thing in an anime where like steam comes out of the ears guys um i was looking at drake's instagram and uh his story had something very peculiar what happened okay it's uh what the fuck? What the hell? He did not post that. He did. I checked for myself. Is it under recorded SD? Oh.

He posted this? He did. You like that, Mika? Can someone explain this for the audio listeners? Mika, you usually do that. Yeah. I think I'm going to abstain from explaining i will i i will describe it can you just can you describe it with like uh g rated g friendly okay

gigantic juicy boobies i got i got large skin colored balloons balloon sized things that you want to squeeze i want to squeeze exactly it's an anime anime woman with big boobies and the caption says booba it says this is heavenly why did you drink posa what do you mean by that and i mean i i don't know but those are not those are like eye cups, dude. Like, those are some serious cuppage on those things. Like too big, you think? Yeah, maybe. I think there's a limit where they get a little unwieldy for everybody.

Yeah. I agree. It probably sucks for the back. Yes. It does. Yeah. But this is interesting, because this is a good parallel to a pan. I mean, this is exactly what you used to do.

What? So, I mean, in a way, you're a lot like Drake, if you think about it. Five minutes ago, you proposed the idea of creating your own black hole in the backyard. I wouldn't do that. I'm just saying, how was it nobody tried to do that? The genius comment is a little rich. Did you guys ever do that genius comment is a little rich. Did you guys ever hear about that? That is a genius comment!

You don't think there's a billionaire that's ever tried to make a nuke to blow up the entire world because he hates everything? That's like Rick from Rick and Morty. That's not that crazy. Rick is not real, Amanda. Yeah, he's really not. There's gotta be some people out there like Rick with a million dollars, billion dollars, trillion dollars.

You know, I feel like you guys poke at me with a stick for your ghoulish entertainment. Ghoulish? Yeah, you just poke at my tummy. You poke at my tummy and I make noises and it's fun for you guys. What? We did not go anywhere near that putrid tummy. No, you purposely try to put the stick in my belly button.

You think it'll turn me off or something but it never works wait so you're turned on right now no I'm in my off button which I don't have I'm really gonna be

why are you insinuating that we're like touching your belly you guys are getting no you guys get a giant Why are you insinuating that we're like touching your belly? You guys should get, no. This is the weirdest analogy ever. You guys get a giant stick and you try to poke me to turn me off. What is this cake? What do you mean? It's not a cake.

You guys want to shut me down. No one's touching your fucking belly, Amanda. No one's touching your fucking stomach. No one's ever done that and no one's going to do it. If you want it, then like pay somebody to do it, I guess. Can I pay you guys? No, no, no. It's a no for me.

We're not touching your stomach. Schlatt, are you touching his stomach? Yeah, I am. I am. Oh, my God. Why? I am. Are you doing it right now?

Yep. Oh! Oh! Oh! What the fuck? This is weird. This is the fuck? This is weird. This is too weird. This is weird.

I'm sorry, guys. So, we were talking about a billionaire building a black hole. It made me think of that one high schooler or teenager who built a nuclear reactor in his garage. Have you guys heard of that? No. I think I have. Yeah, this kid built a nuclear reactor in his garage. Wow.

That's it. I actually know about this one he went around town stealing uh smoke detectors because it had a little bit of a radio radioactive uh element in it and he combined all of it what do you like stealing from people's houses yeah well that's impressive actually yeah man yeah he's probably working for the nsa. Honestly, he probably is. Did you guys ever steal anything when you were kids? Yes. Oh, I hate to say it, but I was a bit of a kleptomaniac. What?

Yeah, I would, well, I think it started when I was young as I would really try to persuade people into thinking that I needed something they had. You were a maniac? And I'm the crazy one. A kleptomaniac. Listeners, I'm the crazy one listeners i'm the crazy one right like i'd be like oh like i'd be like oh like you don't need this pokemon game like i need i'm gonna play it more and sometimes it would work so what is kleptomaniac kids

a kleptomaniac is like someone who like wants like or like likes to steal things oh so you were you were a gas lighter in a bit in a bit yeah i mean like i was just a kind of a scumbag yeah i would like log into uh accounts like on uh gaia online and like steal their items and like just a teenage dirtbag baby sorry go ahead i stole $3 from a guy once. It was a lot of money for me. Damn. I bought Taco Bell and burritos with it. Damn.

It was kind of a piece of shit. When I was a kid, I had this childhood friend who he would ask, like, oh, what's your mother's maiden name? What city were you born in? What was the name of your first pet? And then like years later, one of my other friends was telling me that the reason he did this was so that he could hack your account

by using the security questions. Yeah, I had no clue. And so did he? I don't know if he ever hacked mine. And like maybe he did, but I gave him all my security question answers. What city were you born in?

What was the name of your first dog? Oh, you don't want to know, man. I tried stealing a chocolate bar and I got caught. How did that happen? Really? Yeah. I don't know why I was thinking, I just put it in my, like, it was at the grocery store, I just put it in my pocket. Oh, man. I don't know why i thought that would work i'm telling you there's ways to steal

from the grocery store they'll never catch you how so you know those bins of candy that you could go in and you scoop up and put in a bag you just open that just grab one and eat it really yeah i have seen people doing that before yeah also i don't understand how like you know like in the produce section where you're supposed to like you know take a bunch of produce put it in a bag weigh it and you know you yeah whatever you can just say you got less of the thing you you definitely know it'll ever know you could put like three apples in and just say i bought one yeah they'll never know now i'm not saying i'd never done that but you know I'm not saying I've never done that viewers take notes hypothetically

when I was like 5 I stole a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards what? damn that's fucked dude and I did it from like a furniture liquidation store oh man that's a family owned business

it was probably money laundering i mean maybe i mean they're not around anymore so i probably put them out of business with that you were part of that have you stole something um only the hearts of uh everybody so uh have i stolen anything that is a really loaded question as a kid at least because then you can just say oh i was a kid so it's fine yeah the statute of limitations is up yeah so in minecraft you stole minecraft yeah i don't think i stole anything as a kid, but what I'll do these days in Target specifically. I like where this is going. I'll come with a 20 in cash, a $20 bill, and I'll get a bunch of shit, and I will ring up about half of it in the self-checkout. I will take all of it, walk out of the store, and slip the self-checkout attendant the 20.

And nothing ever happens. Ever. Wow. You know, that's actually pretty smart. Because if I was a self-checkout attendant at target i just wouldn't care i would let people do whatever they wanted yeah oh yeah 100 you're getting paid like 7.25 an hour yeah yeah that's many hours of work yes that's what i do not really guys in minecraft yeah you don't actually do that you don't actually do that. You don't actually do that. In GTA.

Yeah, in GTA. Yeah, I like to go to every store within a 500-mile radius and have a thing of water on the top and then put a giant TV on the bottom and just scan the water and pretend to not scan the TV. And then if they ask me, oh, whoops, I didn't know that was there. My bad. I don't want to buy that. That's smart because that's like whoops how you know how are they gonna prove how they prove exactly how are they and every once

in a while they just miss it they miss it under my car and i walk out and if anyone comes up to me i'm like oh i didn't know it was there have you guys ever done that thing where you uh you like get a drink from a grocery store but you like open it and start drinking it in the grocery store before you pay for it i'd love doing that i'd love doing that i feel evil doing that i think also when i was a kid like when i was 10 i just like went in bought a bottle of like coke i don't know and just like drank it and then i rang up the empty bottle at the cash register. It's like you're stealing it for a little bit. Yeah.

It's a little bit of a thrill. It makes you feel so alive. Yeah. Yeah. You know what we should title this podcast? How to Steal. So you guys had any sex lately? Yeah. Nice.

Up top. In Minecraft, actually. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. It's true. Unfortunately. Dude, that website we downloaded that mod from

was the sketchiest fucking site I've ever seen. Yeah, I'm a little worried now. The big green button that said safe download. Dude, with a safe download, you don't need to put safe in it. Exactly. But hey, it worked. It worked and I got my rocks off. It worked all right.

Actually, I got your collar shut off. Yeah. Listen, guys. What? What, man? Say it. and my cocks off yeah listen guys what what man say i think you know how the world is gonna end you know how the world is gonna end how how not with a bang but with a whimper what does that mean what's that mean well i think this unchecked corporate greed and uh destroying of the environment and climate change is gonna cause people to uh reach new levels of food scarcity and insecurity the financial situation is going to cause lots of uh crashing prices and people are just going to be hit so hard and entire family savings are just going to be wiped out unchecked inflation due to corporate

greed which has been you know proven to be caused by companies wanting to earn more profits and not wage increases is just going to cause people to not be able to get a simple loaf of bread at the grocery store. Mika, I have to stop right here. People are just going to go hungry. You kind of sound like a rent swig right now. Not going to be able to afford heating. And I can't support that. Mika, can you answer me one question that I think will frame this whole thing?

Yeah. Do you own property? I don't. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, it's always the most boring, lame people who care about this shit. Am I right, guys? Mika, I love you, but it's true.

You sound like Jaden Smith right now. The socioeconomic political state of the world. I want to talk about boobs and butts and corn. We got to talk about boobs and butts, man. And here you are talking about... And beer. Inflation and all that. I'm being kind of...

I'm being a little bit of a pickle Rick right now. If you want to talk about inflation, I got a couple of people on Discord to be down to talk. Oh, I know a guy. Yeah, I know. One in particular. One particular guy. But, I mean, jeez, I mean, I'm depressed now. That really upset me.

I'm sorry. I don't want to think about that. Well, yeah, that's a, oh, sheesh. You know, I've just been... There's just been a lot going on. What's been going on, man? The second half of the podcast, I think. Yeah, I think we should probably talk about that

in the second half of the podcast. Where are you at? You think? talk about that in the second half of the podcast where you get follow follow us over to the patreon portion actually sleep deprived here Mika's opinions on politics coming up Wow Baba Boo here what a way to end the episode morning Baba Booey