Sleep Deprived Podcast - JEFF IS ON THE POD - SDP #108

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

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hey guys welcome back to the sleutherprive podcast episode 108 i'm joined here by my guests david wait what wait wait wait wait david and michael hi david and michael arg i'm david jones locker hey david what's up man arg sponge me boy me bob david 26 from ark, what's up, man? Arrgh. Sponge me boy me bob. David, 26, from Arkansas, what's up? I'm green. You're green? What happened? I'm green.

Yeah, the water's bad down there, huh? I'm the flying Dutchman. They got fluoride in the water? I'm the flying **** man. Anyway, Michael, 27, from San Diego, how's it going man i really like don't know michael what you're talking what's wrong michael i don't understand what you're talking about michael i'll explain to you why i'm confused okay they just let me out today of prison no and i'm really confused of the womb what i'm doing here no dude what where are you who are you you're michael right no i'm not michael i'm who are you i'm jeff what

yeah today was supposed to be michael on the pod yeah i don't know who michael is my name is jeffrey they just let me out today are you jeffrey and here you got out are you from san diego because like no i'm not i had a lot of questions i had a bunch of questions prepared like about san diego should i still ask them i mean sure i'm not i'm not from san diego though okay um i was just wondering what you thought about the Spanish period of San Diego history. Is that like when pirates were visiting San Diego? Maybe. I was wondering if you knew.

David, do you know? Wait, wait, let me get this straight. We got Jeffrey Jommer on the podcast. Jeffrey Jommer? No. This is insane. No, dude. This is insane.

How is this not insane? That's insane. insane no you have me confused with someone else which is why we're gonna start we're gonna turn this into a true crime podcast because those get a lot of money yeah we should do that we would get rich yeah and we make fun of people in their crimes and fuck them up are you are you guys talking? I'm just, you're scaring me. Hey, Mika. Yeah, man. Sorry, hey, uh, what was your name? My name is Jeffrey.

They just let me out. Where did they let you out? You're talking like you're an escaped animal from a zoo. Where did they let me out? Yeah, where did you leave? In-N-Out. In-N-Out Burger. Was it good it good sunset boulevard they just let me out

finish my shift you know hey david working at the car wash yeah david when jeffrey's not looking let's push him over i can hear like everything you're saying i have headphones on you're talking into a microphone that is directly connected to my headphones. How many fingers am I holding up? I can't see you, but I can hear you because you're talking into a microphone that is directly connected into my headphones.

Do you think that you could survive a giraffe? If a giraffe is coming at you full speed with the intent to kill you, do you think you could survive probably not to be honest i think it would kind of like trample me okay and uh i think everywhere it steps on my body would just flatten and like my bones would be crushed and i would i would get like massive internal hemorrhaging. Like my organs would probably fail.

It would be like a pretty like grizzly sight. Grizzly? Grizzly. That word is a ruin for me. Do you think you could survive a giraffe? Here's what I would do, right? Right. I would start waving.

I would pretend to be a tree with nutritious little leaves on it. And then it would try to like bite me. Like to get a little morsel. But right when it goes to bite, I jump on its neck and then I live on its neck and I slowly bite away at it, eating it slowly throughout the day, but it can't get rid of me because I have

a good hold on it. And slowly I eat the giraffe until it's gone. This is genius. Thank you. Until it's gone. No, no, no. This is genius. This is genius. Thank you. Thank you, David. I think there's like two reasons this wouldn't work.

For one, you're a vegan. That doesn't mean I'm not capable of eating it. You're the cynical gamer vegan. Cynical vegan gamer. God damn it. I don't think you have the strength, the means, or the teeth. The cynical vegan gamer. damn i don't think you have the strength i'll never escape this i'm not even a gamer i don't think you're escaping dude you're like the gamerist gamer i know

like every night oh not every night you're gaming i game with my friends sometimes but like i only do it to hang out with them. I hate the games. It's maybe like seven hours a day I see you gaming. What the hell? That is just wrong. That's true, Mika. I remember one day I walked in and was like, you're Mr. Game and Watch. I'm watching you game.

Yeah. I see you gaming like seven hours a day probably. Okay. And I see you playing like JRPGs. That is just. I see you playing like jrpgs that is just i see you playing like uh like mmo rpgs happy bird happy bird yep the bird taps instead of fappy bird happy bird you were not supposed to tell everyone about that david look i had to tell someone that's pretty funny fappy bird i look recently i've been playing chess so I play that for like 10 minutes a day and sometimes

I play CSGO with my friends that's really it man I'm not a gamer I can't let the gamer accusation fly interesting you say you're not a gamer and yet uh oh

do I say it? Jeffrey don't I could say it? Jeffrey, don't. Dude, say it. I could say it right now, dude. Okay. I could say it like right now, like literally right now I could say it to you. Do it, you won't, pussy.

I'm literally going to say it right now just because. Pussy, pussy, you won't, pussy. Off the record, can I say it? Say what? Like genuinely, can I say it? Now you? Like, genuinely, can I say it? Now you're freaking me out. What are you going to say? Dude, you know what I'm going to ask. Like, can I say it?

No, I don't. Okay, say it. I just want to make sure it's, like, okay for me to say it. I don't know what you're going to say. I know. I think I know. Uh-oh. Do you know?

I think I know. Okay, David, you say it. I can't say it. Oh, my God. Because it's like, the thing is, right, like, I genuinely do want to ask you, but I'm, like, really worried about what would happen. So, I'm going to say something that you told me never to tell anyone. Sure. Yeah, Mika?

Yeah, there's not a lot of good people named jeffrey yeah that name sucks huh is there something called like jeff the killer or something dude that guy's scary is it oh there's oh there is jeffrey the killer okay kill fuck mary slenderman jeffrey the killer um and then squirt words suicide squirt work jeff the killer let me see i think jeffrey the killer um and then squidward suicide squibbert jeff the killer let me see i think jeff the killer could get it but slenderman with the tentacles that might that might be kind of fun i would marry slenderman because when i'm old and decrepit and my back is breaking he can pick up the stuff that i can't or he can he can go to the shelves i can't that's true the long arms i feel like someone's gotta marry squidward just because he doesn't seem like he's i'd marry

yeah we should all kill honestly miss no no understandable character yeah his life is hard i feel like uh squidward is just the most relatable between those two characters you know the the three characters. He's not going to kill you. He's not like a weird, like, slender man that stalks you in the woods, you know? Mika, could you... He could just play clarinet for you.

Sorry, go ahead. Could you fix Squidward? It depends. I don't really believe in fixing people did you fix squidward i wouldn't do it out of principle could you fix squidward could i could you like if i was trying to if you were trying to could you fix squidward okay so i'm gonna answer the question but the problem is i don't understand who mika is and why you keep calling me that. Oh, shoot, man.

But I mean, like if I tried really hard. If I tried really hard, like if I if I like really wanted to try, I probably like couldn't. OK. You really don't think so? No. That's fucked up, dude. I think if you made Squidward feel love, his heart would open like the grinch look here's what i i think the right answer here is squirt word you have to marry him because honestly that's the most normal guy out of the three yeah like it's just a dude who's

depressed right like what's so scary about him jeff the killer i think any of us i think i'm killing jeff the killer because like that guy just, I mean, he's going to hurt you. Slenderman? It's never shown that you die to Slenderman. Maybe Slenderman takes you off screen and you just have a good date. You know? And then you make out.

So I would fuck Slenderman. Can you imagine Slenderman just the whole time? He's like been trying to give you back your wallet. Under his mask, he's like, why do they keep running away from me? I don't get it. He's actually just a really nice guy. He's just misunderstood.

Yeah. They've got their credit card in here. They've got their driver's license. I might marry Jeff the Killer because Jeff the Killer's got a crazy face routine. Look how clean the face is Yeah drop that skincare routine Not a single blemish in sight Hold on I don't think I've ever seen Jeff

The Killer It's like Michael Jackson Oh okay for our audio listeners Jeff the Killer I love when you describe something that Everyone knows You can never assume everyone knows something have you heard of the curse of knowledge for our audio listeners McDonald's

is a restaurant with an M on it it's a big yellow M that's the logo and there's a clown mascot yeah but you know I don't I think Jeff the killer might be niche enough where it's like not everyone would know I hope he finds you and stabs you

in Minecraft Jeff the kicker Not everyone would know. I hope he finds you and stabs you. In Minecraft. Jeff the kicker. Jeff the kicker. Good one. Anyways, for audio listeners, Jeff the killer has a gigantic smile that stretches from ear to ear with no lips.

And a purely white face. It goes like, my name Jeff. And then it goes, smoke weed every day. Smoke weed every day mika if you could suggest any drug to do what would it be aside from coffee meth meth meth say meth say meth who is mika jeffrey dude i'm sorry wait what hello hey hey do you guys like um do you guys like nyan cat yeah i like nyan cat hey do you guys like meth no yeah that's fair dude death grips has been playing a lot recently yeah i remember you and i were hanging one night while you were gaming. Yeah.

And you were telling me that I missed a chance to go to one of their shows. Dude, you fucked up, man. They played new, never-before-seen music in the pre-show. Really? So it was confirmed? Yeah. Damn. You could have been there. Shoulda, coulda, woulda man you know what can i say

they just let me out of prison i'm starting to think you went to prison no i already told you they let me out of in and out burger sunset boulevard yeah that's what you can call it man but we know where you were locked up yeah you are like really judgmental come on man i love you you are seriously like you are so judgmental. I have been trying to tell you this whole like it's not it's like you're not listening to a single word. You are Jeff Bezos. Me? No.

Jeffrey is Jeff Bezos. Oh, shit. Dude, you gotta give us some money. You took steroids. That body is not natty. Honestly, I think he did take steroids. Just look at him. 100%. That dude looks terrible. It looks like he's been

blown up like a balloon. Whoa! Hold on. Let me take a look at Jeff Bezos recently. Elon Musk, right? He's spending all this time doing Twitter and shit. Looks like a beached whale why doesn't he just like log off and like get ripped like jeff bezos and like go on a yacht all day like you have billions of dollars like do something fun dude i don't know why he just doesn't do steroids yeah just do steroids and like have

sex and like drink alcohol and like ride a yacht like what are you doing if i got rich last thing i'd want to be doing would be fucking heading over to the twitter office every day to work what the fuck you have a billion dollars i think he's done that all and he's just like i'm bored now i i mean yeah obviously he just he's in it for the the fame at this point i think that's like kind of one of the one of the things though you know if If you get everything in life suddenly, then it's like life becomes a little... He's clinging for that one thing he doesn't have, which is respect.

And he'll never have it. And it's sad. Well, he did have respect back in the day. Yeah, and then he ruined it. Elon has swag? Isn't that the video? Yeah, they used to love him, man. He used to be the Redditdit king yeah it's kind

of it's kind of wild you know when you really get to thinking about it but actually something that's been on my mind if you could know like what your life would turn out to be like would you want to know like let's say no well is the idea then you would learn it and then you would try to change it um see it kind of opens up like a whole can of worms because if you did learn it like learning it in itself would change things because think of it this way like you let's say you learn for example that you're gonna get a burger okay and like butterfly effect my life's boring what if you like hadn't known you were gonna get a burger until you found out you were does that make sense my brain too much i don't want to know i don't want to know if i get the

burger i don't want to know before you figure out what's going to happen to you it's like your life is unwritten but then suddenly by this magical power once you figure out what's happening to you then it's like okay yeah now now it's like actually it's just infinite it's like inception

could you do it to someone else and I would know like I could know if someone becomes a millionaire and I could just pretend to be their friend wait what's stopping us from becoming friends with a billionaire we could we could

all three of us should slowly try to become friends with Elon Musk I think we could do it here's the idea have you heard about like if you send like an invitation to every like billionaire you're bound to get one back like with a gift or something maybe yeah dude we told there's probably some really lonely loser billionaire that notch it's notch dude it's notch it's minecraft's notch that guy but we can get some money he would totally like you dude here's what you do you

send him an email you send him a dm on twitter everything you could possibly do be like hey man i'm a big fan i'm a youtuber with uh 600 000 subscriber i don't know how much you have and then you go like hey man let's hang out sometime i really love your programming he might he might hook you up he might can we get not here here's a better idea we get a weeb okay like they watch all the dragon balls they watch all the fucking this is all the animation okay so like like basically they like the idea of a sensei and like someone to teach like jiraiya we could try to be that rule of jiraiya so when they, we inherit their fortune and their powers.

Just for the record, Notch is awful, but we're doing it to take advantage of him and take his money. I'm not going to become friends with Notch for any reason, honestly. We could get some money. I'll do it for money. I'll do it for five bucks. I'll just pretend to be his friend and then get a bunch of money. So, David, in your scenario, the billionaire is your apprentice? No, I'm the apprentice of the billionaire. The billionaire, he likes me now.

He's like, okay, you know what? You're stupid, you're dumb, you're like Naruto, but I'm going to teach you and build you up. Gotcha. And then, so when he, when the billionaire dies. When he dies for me, for me, because he'll die for me because I'm like the son he never had.

All the money will inherit to me because I'm the best thing. So that didn't happen in Naruto. When Jiraiya Naruto is just depressed. He didn't get any money. You're going to censor that? I have it like 10, 15 years ago.

Yeah, you never know. It's over! You gotta move on, Mika! Are you saying I don't need to censor it? I think you should say it more. Like, we should put a big image of Jiraiya. Jiraiya, fucking... When he gets gets by like seven

that went hard he actually got piped he actually got piped holy shit would you pipe jiraiya mika i mean dave i mean jeffrey jeffrey okay jeffrey star what's that i i need you to get out your guitar right now and play one chord my guitar yeah go right now all right it's in the other room i gotta go get it okay hurry up all right one sec okay panda when he gets back let's pretend we're not here that's fucking genius no one's ever thought of this shit before we no one has ever thought of this we are literally pranksters we are the modern day sam pepper yeah okay yo hello is anyone here no that's okay that's all right only got five strings on this bad boy

that fucking sound killed me wait you can't hear Wait he can't hear us He can't hear us because he's singing I know you Whatever And I'll be there December Anna

And we will never Ever ever be apart And I was like Baby baby baby I'm sorry i can't stop myself baby baby you can't beat him join him wow we should start a band yeah i'm down um i didn't you like have a band with the other two oh yeah yeah what happened um well we we still play sometimes yeah yeah we uh we're not accepting um new members right now we're just we're really

happy with the current composition of the group really even if i could shred like this you wouldn't accept me the only sound that's going through is like the highest pitch note that's being hit so it's just like here i show okay yeah i want you to make the best pr response out of a cancellation okay uh what what's who's being canceled and like what's that what happened you're being canceled for something um honestly let's just say you grabbed mika and you hurled him across the room and then mika made a call-up post about it. Okay. Hey guys, I made a severe lapse in judgment.

I hurled Mika across the room. But if we're being honest, Mika deserved it. And I have the receipts. This is 2017. Where Mika hurled me first. He picked me up and he threw me across the room. Therefore, the hurling that I did

was just revenge. I hope everyone can understand that maybe Mika and I both messed up in the past, but I hope you can enjoy both of our content. But I am not sorry for hurling Mika. I'm mad at Mika. Mika, what are you going to say now? If I was

Mika, what I would say is I also have receipts that shows the reason the reason they hurled you first is because they uh like you sorry the reason they the reason they includes all of this and like he doesn't cut it you hurled before you hurled before you lost everybody on that one no one even gets it no Too many words. No one gets it, dude. I win. I'm gonna cut it, so it's gonna be like five sentences. You can't do that! You can't just cut out all of your failures, man.

Sure I can. Okay, well then I want my failures cut out. You know what? Let's make a bunch of failures. That way, he has to spend hours cutting it, so eventually he'll just stop cutting it. That would be like a really dick move. At a certain point, I would just not cut. I'm going to fart, okay?

Exactly! We'd win! Mika, I'm going to fart, but I need you to cut it out, okay? Because I don't want it to be on the video. Sure. You cut that out, right? That was fucking disgusting, dude. You cut it out, right? I could cut it out, yeah. Dude, if that goes to air, I am a cutout

loser. Dude, you are done. Please! You're done. I need that to out, yeah. Dude, if that goes to air, I am a cutout loser. Dude, you're done. Please. You're done. I need that to be censored. I could censor it. Do you want it censored or do you want it cut? Just do whatever you think is best, man. Just, I need to save face here. Sure.

Hey. Mika. I mean, Jeffrey. Yeah, what's up? David's making a weird face. I'm getting worried. Did you hear him? Look at him. That is not okay.

We got to put an end to this. Should we kill him? I don't understand why you would do something like that. What? He's acting out of control. I have a genuine question for you well i have a genuine question for you have you have you heard of that like um it's like this line between some like southeast asian island and like the mainland or like another island where it's like the oh the equator no it's not

the equator it's like the biodiversity is like totally different in those like between the two areas. Oh. Yeah. So like on one side, you'll have like, I can't remember what the animals are, but then on the other, you'll have like Komodo dragons and they're not even like closely related.

Not even the birds are closely related in one bit. Damn. Do you think like Pangea like spread apart and then like that shit got connected and like now it's just like two fucking weird worlds combined well i don't know but the weird thing about it is is that all the animals have to do is cross like a narrow straight and over like millions of years they never did that dude what the fuck are they thinking they never adventured over there so to be honest i don't know more about it but if people could educate me more like in the comments i would appreciate that dude they should educate us about other things yeah like what man uh i want to know like why like uh saturn is like uh so big. Why Saturn is so big? Yeah. Tell us down below.

Dude, you know what's really like nuts to think about? What? So like, you know how Earth has like a magnetic field to like protect us from the sun's radiation? What? It does? Yeah. uh field to like protect us from the sun's radiation what it does yeah so apparently the sun protects all the planets in our solar system from like space radiation so it's like we think the sun is like this enemy but the sun is actually like protecting us this whole time like you know that meme about the solar flares

yeah well kind of friend would do that you're being that's fair that's right but that's a small price to pay but i was gonna say you know the meme of like the little girl sleeping and then the soldier um is like by her bed in the shape of a cross and he's like blocking all the knives and stuff i love that meme yeah dude okay so if the sun is blocking all of the radiation and like saving us from everything why is david still here all right let's kill him no yeah can we kill him there's no killing ah fuck i thought i was gonna convince you that this is a family-friendly podcast the sleep deprived podcast very family friendly well if you want to see if david stays alive no we're gonna we're gonna record for david dobrik baby

why are we recording for longer why is there because there are some bits that are gonna get cut no no there's not like what yeah there is some you are a baby dude you are so rude and judgmental there's like one thing to cut out that's it you are cnn right now we cannot censor anything we're keeping pardon we're we're literally not okay no fun allowed no fun allowed here no fun allowed i'm gonna shit into the mic okay i just want to be silly and wild and kooky here i go No fun allowed here. No fun allowed. I'm going to shit into the mic. Okay. I just want to be silly and wild and kooky. Here I go.

You like that one? Oh, dude. Is this staying in? Is this staying in, Mika? Is this staying in? Oh, no. Mika? Is this thing in the home? I can totally understand why Mika and Panda left this podcast. I'm like Pac-Man.

Okay, well if you want to hear more little goofs and gaffs, check out the Patreon section over at sleepdeprived.net well if you want to hear more little goofs and gaffs check out the patreon section over at sleep deprived uh dot net patreon hey go to sleep deprived.com wait go to patreon.com slash sleep deprived and the podcast extends itself in length you get a minecraft server you get a discord viewer call ins uncensored

or uncensored gaming videos you get a bunch of cool other stuff a girlfriend and uh yeah you get that too I bet there has been like a relationship made from our server we are saints so honestly yeah give us 69 for a year and you'll make it back double in five years time

baba buoy baba boo guys can we make a course okay on uh what's that shit called it's not no it's almost like you want the podcast to end, dude. And I haven't even told everybody about the thing that I was wondering if I could tell everyone. Okay, tell them. I'm gonna tell you over at the Patreon section of the podcast.

Baba Booey. Baba Peep. Fuck Penis. Baba Booey.