Sleep Deprived Podcast - K-Word Santa - SDP #139

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

the fellas talk about airplanes for 28 minutes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

hey everyone welcome back to switch my podcast episode 139 as always you can check out our merch switchpride.co and i have a show january 6th check out my twitter we're back it's christmas right around the corner gang yeah christmas time i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna kill santa this year yeah santa's probably got big innards like whales no one ever tries to stop him they always view him as this like wholesome entity like yes put this man in my house let him squeeze through my chimney come down here and give me little gifts but i think he's an intruder i don't want him in my home and so i'm gonna lay big traps i'm gonna lay a big bear trap at the bottom of my chimney i I think I actually have no urge to kill Santa. What? Yeah. Penny, you understand

me, right? Like, this guy needs to die. Uh, well, he is all about his ho-ho-hos, and I do respect that. No, come on. You think he's gonna give you any of them? Oh, yeah. Well, he probably has elf-hos, right?

You know how fucking bad santa wants those hose because he's got to deal with uh mrs claus all day so that one day of the year where he gets to mess with his ho ho hose like i don't think he's gonna i don't think he's gonna give him up man do you think i mean mrs puff i said mrs puff m Puff is fucking his ass all year long. No, Mrs. Claus probably... She's probably got that gilf cooch. Oh my gosh, she's got that nasty gilf cooch. Fucking smells like Antarctic fish. Oh my god.

Can you imagine? I bet polar bears accidentally go into Mrs. Claus' room and try to sniff around because they smell her cooch. They think it's prey. I bet she's fine as fuck. Mika, how do you feel about that?

Honestly, I don't know what I can say. I just know I don't feel the urge to kill Santa. Mika, milfs or gilfs? That's not really something I think about, you know? Well well think about it well we're not going to continue with the pot until we get an answer yeah i mean i actually just don't want to think about it okay how about this imagine you're in a room with two hot people one of them

is a grandpa one of them is a grandma which one do you find hotter i don't know if i'm gonna be like looking at them in that way you know but let's let's say someone holds a gun to your head and says look at them that way you're tempting me like putting a gun to my head why are you tempting me like this just go for milf man or dill milk dude the Milf. Listen, you guys have your fun. This isn't fun, man. This is reality. Mika, we're going to kick you off the pond and get someone that can make these Milf, Dilf, Jilf jokes, okay?

We need more Milfers and Dilfers. You need to pick right now. We need more Trent Dilfers. Anybody? What is that? A Ravens quarterback from the early 2000s. Oh, cool. That was the least

interesting you've ever said in your life. I'm going on strike. I'm not going to be speaking at all until Mika picks out of those. Okay, well, I'm going to tickle you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. I feel like when you tickle it really gets

me into the holiday spirit like when you start getting tickled like listen to panda get tickled here i'm gonna tickle you see it gets you into the holiday spirit doesn't it yeah it's a little festive like really what are your christmas plans oh so panda and i are actually gonna do this really cool thing um we're gonna get together with all the elves and we're gonna have an elf orgy yeah and then after that which i didn't tell astro but wait what there's more is that i'm gonna trap each elf into a little box like in madagascar where they're in the sea i'm gonna ship to ship them to people. What? I didn't know about this. So you just think you could change the plans

and ship elves around the world? Where are we going to put them? I thought we were going to put them all night long. What if we want to put them in the morning? Well, we can keep one around, but I have customers that want these elves

stacked. Customers? I didn't sign onto this onto this i know i'm getting all the profit what the fuck is wrong with you okay mika now those are our plans we're gonna have to sort through that but what are your plans um i actually i i don't know i don't uh i actually believe it or not do not celebrate Christmas. What the heck? Yeah, I just never grew up with it. So it's just like, it's not, I don't know. So when we come back next episode and recount what happened,

I mean, you're just not going to have much to say. I don't know about that. Like, I might do something for myself. Like, I might get McDonald's and be like, Merry Christmas,mas me you know you need burger king burger king you're not a king burger king i might uh i might i might take myself to the movies i don't know i might like i don't know like a little charlie uh charlie brown mini christmas tree just for myself. I was thinking about

Charlie Brown recently. And just be alone in my room and around this Christmas tree and maybe I'll watch a Christmas special at my McDonald's. You're going to get a gift for Christmas. Dude, what?

Yeah, we got you an elf in a box. What do you think? Um, I actually think it's pretty vile and reprehensible. And it's not looking good for our business. This is why you should talk to me before you get these things set up. Here's the plan. We'll get a plastic bag

and we'll put a smiley face on it. Not to be associated with the smiley face killer though. Okay, yeah, because I was thinking that was maybe based on the Shane Dawson movie, Smiley, from the early 2010s. I don't know about the Shane Dawson movie. But anyways, yeah, we're going to suffocate the elf and we'll put a smiley face on it. So when Mika sees a smiley face, we'll think everything's good because it's smiling. Yeah, i like that actually yeah mika we're gonna do that what if he just left the elves alone i wanted to do that

but panda apparently wants to and there's a lot of there's a lot of men in big coats puffing cigars that need these elves yeah gang stalking what what does that mean what like what does that mean what does what mean what you just said i don't even know if i can say it am i allowed to say that yeah what is that you don't know that no you know about that pan hey that's it um mika yo we're taking you to a christmas party dude uh have you guys ever been to a christmas party yeah they're always serving that like red nondescript punch i've actually never been to a christmas party and um they're playing it's a wonderful christmas time over like an iPod speaker. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. That's what it says. I thought it was Sydney.

It's just a song from Sydney's POV. Just some Sydney. I thought this was about like Sydney. Sydney. Sydney's going to be having a wonderful Christmas time. Yeah, any Sydneys out there in the audience audience can you tell us what you did for christmas sounds like you're gonna have a christmas hasn't happened yet what no when is this episode coming out this comes out before christmas i think sydney is gonna have a wonderful christmas time yeah me too yeah wait so is the

nightmare before christmas a halloween or christmas movie or both i think it's both yeah yeah like you know blink 182 when they were like and we'll have halloween for christmas yeah what's up with that name 182 that number has never been used before what's so good about that number 182 yeah let me tell you about 182 okay you're like a numbers guy let me tell you about 182 guess what okay what what's one plus eight oh nine nine nine no way yeah now add two okay 11 11 9-11! Wait, what? 9-11! No, that's not what I was... 9 plus 2 equals 11. Mika made his first 9-11 joke. I know, I was not doing that.

I was just... I'm so proud. Is that not what you were doing? What does 9 plus 2 equals 11 mean? Like, blink 182. 1 plus 8 plus 2. plus two what but you just you started at nine no i said i said what is one plus eight and you guys said nine and then i was like you dude you're actually like hallucinating right now you need to wake up okay this is not reality you're actually asleep right now astro

dude astro what if this entire time like you've just been imagining sleep deprived like what if that's crazy like what if it's actually just not real it's all just a figment of your imagination that's wild yeah like what would you do pinch me uh okay no i'm good Like, what would you do? Pinch me. Okay. No, I'm good. Okay. So what would you do, though, if, like, we were just, like, a figment of your imagination this entire time? I don't know. I guess that'd be kind of cool.

Really? Yeah, because you guys are, like, pretty good characters. Some pretty creative stuff on my part, you know? Yeah. Why did you make me so sad? Well, I mean, you know, why did you make me so sad well i mean you know god has to make people suffer your god i guess so in this scenario the barbs and the swifties like each other do they hate each other i mean the barbs from like stranger things no the uh uh god what's her name the Nicki Minaj the Nicki Minaj fans

oh yeah I'm on Nicki Minaj's side definitely I'm a Barb do the Barbs and the Swifties have beef they should have beef that'd be really fun that would be yeah it'd be fun if it was like a full like world war.

Dude, I actually think Taylor Swift has enough power to annex, like, uh, like, a quarter of a million, like, I don't know. Realistically, I think she could start a cult. I would join. Just, like, for the benefits, you know? What if it was, like, a Scientology

cult where it's like, just pay us, pay me money. Well, do you think you'd get, like, scientology cult where it's like just pay us pay pay me money well what do you think you get like special like tickets like like coupons for taco no it's like it's literally just like just pay me kind of thing uh that would kind of suck then we can have a cult we have a we can have a cult we do oh yeah we actually do which one of us wants to be the cult leader? Maybe Mika? Yeah, we could do a sacrifice. Yeah. I'll sacrifice myself. Cut open people.

Alright, so you're fine if I cut open your... I don't know. Like I cut open your heart? Yeah, that would be funny. Mika, that would be funny. I, uh, well... Like, what would it be for like why are you doing this you know why are we doing this panda um um you know sacrifices are needed to show how devoted

we are oh yeah yeah what panda said do if you guys were to join a cult, what cult would you join? Realistically. Poop cult? Oh, maybe pee cult, actually. I don't know any cults. Oh, furry. Panda, join the furries. I'm not joining the furries.

I'm joining. You should see the shirt I have on now. The furt. What do you think a furt is? It's like a furry shirt Furry shirt Yeah Panda tell us about your furt My fur is this Kawaii desu fox What?

I would look like the biggest furry right now Wait so you're wearing a furt right now actually You're wearing a furt It's not actually a furt. It's a furt. It's a furry shirt, right? No. You just said it was a furt. I did not say it was a furt.

You said there's a furry babe on there. It's not a furry babe. Is it a fox? It's like a realistic fox? I completely regret doing this. You're wearing a furt. I'm not wearing a fur fox oh my god i completely regret doing this you're wearing a fur i'm not wearing a fur i'm wearing a polka what's a polka uh search it up do i actually want to search this up what do you think it's like like a like a shitty thing i just see the polka dance isn't that Isn't that... Isn't that...

I see polka dot. Dude, what are you talking about? Why is that so fucking funny? What did you say? The polka dance? The polka dance. Yeah, the polka dance. Or did you say the polka dance yeah the polka dance or did you say polka dot what no no there are polka dots but when i looked up polka i just saw the polka dance mika did you ever do the hokey pokey oh my fucking god no i did we're not talking about hokey pokey i did the

hokey pokey you did not do the fucking hokey pokey no you did not that's what it was all about you actually did that shit yeah you know what why don't we all do the fucking hokey pokey how come we can't anymore there needs to be a drake lyric where he talks about doing the hokey pokey to his girl that's what i'm serious panda i'm serious hear me out right now we should do more hokey dokey oh hokey dopey hokey pokey the mario party minigame pokey pokey panic do you guys want to make drake lyrics okay it's like the absolute cheesiest drake lyrics you can imagine okay i got one okay i hokey on her pokey till she squirt i could see him saying that i could see him saying that what do you think i wasn't in love she flew like a dove oh she was so close what about uh that's actually good enough

what about uh i might just use that. We doing the hokey pokey. Got her screaming like karaoke. Oh. Windows getting... Oh! Windows getting smoky. Oh, shit. She kind of bad, though. Low key.

She squirted my face, and now I got a wet goatee. Wow. I could see him doing that that too, to be honest. I feel like he should do a song. Hey, hey. Here's your trough. Eat up.

Yep. You like that? Yeah, you do. Okay, now go inside. We're making bacon. Okay, here's the claver. Are you awake? Hey.

We're making bacon. Mika, can you grab the axe? Making pancakes. Making bacon pancakes. Got some bacon and you put it in a pancake. Jake Lerch is not making pancakes. I'm making pancakes making bacon pancakes got some bacon and you put it in a pancake jake lurks not making pancakes i'm making pancakes i got a lot of grapes i'm wearing bathing ape gotta return some videotapes she got a big cake she flat as a

pancake but she big as a whale snake she She like Batgirl with a big cape. We do a little handshake. Potter on her. Then I'm Snape. I guess you could say that was a mistake. I'm awake. Clean my yard with a rake. She's magic with it.

It's hairy. Do some grooming. What? That didn't even rhyme at all. Call that landscape. She's magic with her, then she hairy? No, Mika, hold on. You gotta help me with that one. What does that mean?

I call her Harry Potter because she's hairy, and then I popped her. I feel like Dumbledore, the way I fell off her. Oh, that was kind of good. Mika, play off that. Dumbledore fucking dies. Mika, play off that.

Panda, say the line again. No, I'm not going to do Snape. There's a lot of words. No, no, no. Just say the Dumbledore line again. I can take you from there I don't even remember Okay

We so We at it so Severus Like Snape Next morning found out we chafed That's good I like that chafed That makes me think of my dick hurting I call it Hermione Cause she reminds me

of her hyena. Whoa. That was kind of good. I mean, it sounded like someone rapping from the 18th century. No one says hiney. Can you imagine Drake saying hiney?

She got the tiny hiney and she's so whiny. That's a creepy ass lyric. I don't trust anyone that tiny hiney. And she's so whiny. That's a creepy ass lyric. I don't trust anyone that says hiney. It's so creepy in a rap. Show me your hiney. Sounds like archaic. Sounds like a Victorian era abuse.

She got me feeling measly. No, wait. So she show me her hiney. She got me feeling weasley because I'm begging for a measley. Pretty good. She showed me her weasel. And then I took out my hiney. My hiney.

Uh-oh, Hermione. I saw her hiney and now I'm dining. Oh, my God. Uh-oh, Hermione behind me my hiney my it's turning into a slam poem hermione but define me hermione you so divine. Me, her mind. Hermine. E, her mind. E's. Remind me.

Remind me. Don't define me. I cosign her mind. Damn. She fell on her Hermine knees. And gave me that slimy, blimey. That slimy, whiny.

Slimy, whiny. Do you think Drake jacks off? Yeah. Do you think you can look at someone and you can tell how much they jack off? I don't think so. Like how many times do you think Drake can jack off a week? I don't know. I can't tell you.

Yeah, sir. What were we talking about? We were about christmas oh yeah pan and i are still gonna do that elf thing are you done no okay well like actually i'm just curious i'm curious you know like as my as my friends i'm genuinely interested what you're doing for christ. Friends? We're just business associates, dude. Wow, I can't believe you actually think that. Wow. Wow. Fucking loser. Wow.

Wow. I'm so silly for that. Wow. Oh my fucking god. This fucking loser. Can't believe we were friends. Friends? With you? who is this character it's like it's like a comical boss like like a 60s cartoon like it's like don't let it get to your head

what is it that's like a bully in elementary school, it's a bully from the 80s and like a school project VHS about anti-bullying. I'm going to throw you in the trash can, man. Hey, Jimmy, do you want to go shoot our BB guns at some glass bottles after school? You as if. That's some sauce-based shit. Hey, why don't you give me your lunch money while you're at it, Pipsqueak?

Why don't you give me a big kiss on the cheek, not in like a weird way? Why don't you slap my hiney? Hiney. Hiney? Honey, honey hiney. Honey, give me the hiney. Give me the honey.

Honey, hide me. Hermione, she minds me. Honey, hide me. Honey, give me the hiney. Give me the honey. Honey, hide me. Hermione, she minds me. Honey, hide me, because Hermione reminds me of fine dining when I look into her. Damn. Why no? Mind, I. I think we should come up with some slam poems right now. Okay. Can someone describe to me what a slam poem is?

I actually can't describe it to you, which is the funny part. The way I think about it is it's just like a poem that you perform for people, and there's a lot of dramaticism, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Are you going to come up with one? Okay, I got one. Okay, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Are you going to come up with one? Okay, I got one. Okay, let's hear it.

Can it be on any subject, or do you guys define the subject? It can be on any subject. Like, speak your truth. Okay. You know? Snap, snap, snap. Last night, Panda came up behind me. Pulled down my pants

yeah i said it's a nice hiney he said nice hiney i called the cops and i wouldn't stop he wouldn't stop and i tried to run away but he was right behind me looking at my hidey he said come find me as he got dragged to the police uh van behind me and then i went to bed don't remind me i said don't remind me That stuff's behind me Damn And then I said Co-sign me And that's when he got arrested for six months without parole Thank you

Oh wow I got one OJ Simpson he's on a mission They say he's a killer But really he's just a dealer I like that He might be a simpson but he's not a homer did he stab people he's not a shower oh um that one bulldozer that ran into people and killed

them all in that city killdodozer. Killdozer. Did you watch my recent shitpost on Killdozer? Maybe. Dude, that account's unhinged. Dude, late at night, I just lose my mind and then I just make a fucking unhinged video. It's actually art. I want you to know that i actually viewed as a type of disconnected thanks man hey so mika yo i'm gonna fucking like cry if you don't

start your slam poem because i was looking forward to your slam i'm gonna fuck you if you don't do your slam poetry you know what we going to do in that elf orgy? Well, you're going to find out if you don't start that slam. Alright, you ready? Yeah. This one's about breakfast.

Okay. An organic oatmeal, however hard it tries, will always be crispy. Ordinary organic oatmeal, however hard it tries, will always be crispy, ordinary organic oatmeal, does the organic oatmeal make you shiver, does it, how happy is the martyr, leisurely lunch, does the leisurely lunch make you shiver, does it, I cannot help but stop and look at little crusty croissant, crusty croissant are weensy, crusty croissant are immature, crusty croissant. Crusty croissant are weensy. Crusty croissant are immature. Crusty croissant are tiny, however.

Just like a fancy name is moist muffins. Moist muffins, the true source of yoink. Why would you think the quiche is hot? The quiche is the most cold tart of all. Never forget the iced

and frigerific quiche I cannot help but stop and look at peppy traditional toast now spirited is just the thing to get me wondering if traditional toast are bouncing thank you really deep

thanks thanks I'm gonna go shit myself in the bathroom uh please do not do that why can i can i pull you aside for a second actually okay hey what's up i actually i actually if i want to shit in the toilet why can't i shit in the toilet well because i mean i guess you can but like okay yeah can i pull you aside for a second? Sure, yeah. I'm just not going to be present for that, for obvious reasons. Yeah, I mean, it would be in the bathroom. Yeah.

Panda has been making weird looks from across the table. Do you see that? I just wanted to pull you aside because I don't know what to do about that. Do you have any ideas? Are you talking about me? Yeah, please help. Do you see that? Look at him.

He's eyeing me. He's all burly. He looks all scary. He's an old man. Help me. I actually just wrapped some some christmas gifts okay but panda's staring at me you see that what is he doing i actually don't like don't know what you're talking about right now like i actually think you're just imagining things in your head

that is going crazy i bet if i were to talk to panda right now he would just be like totally chill about it panda hey what's up what the hell panda i just wrapped some christmas gifts he's doing it i actually just do not know what you're talking about no he's like a pig looks like uh someone put something in the eggnog huh yeah anyways guys that's the end of this pod if you're not a patron so make sure to buy the merch that's it. Bye. Bye. Welcome back.

Hold on. I'm going to say it in a second, but like, uh... What's going on, guys? What's going on? What do you mean, what's going on? Yeah, what's up? Are we not good enough for you?

Am I not good enough? My whole life. My whole life I've been told I'm not good enough. My whole fucking life. No, no, no. I just, I, like, I see it now. Like, Panda has been giving, I don't know why I'm talking to you in the third person, but Panda, you've been giving Astro weird looks across the table.

Yeah, it's giving weird looks across the table giving weird looks it's giving weird looks tis the season it's giving seasoning you know i like that thanks i stole it tis the season just baba buoy wait i thought we baba buoyed already baba buoy