Sleep Deprived Podcast - Sleep Deprived Podcast #11

Episode Date: January 1, 2021

the boys talk about airplanes for 23 minutes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome back to the Sleep Deprived Podcast. This is the 11th episode of the Sleep Deprived Podcast. This one follows the 10th episode. My name is Schlatt and I'm joined by all these guys. What's up? Thanks, babe. Don't, let's not do that. Well, we've got a panda here.

We've also got Mika, who is also here. Where are you? We got astro and i'm so sorry astro how are you i cannot sleep i cannot dream what what did you say uh okay how is everybody's christmas let's talk about it don't waste your time a panda let's i gotta i gotta control the conversation a panda how was your christmas did you i'm pretty sure you mean happy holidays let uh i got a milk frother for christmas the fuck is a milk frother you put it in milk and it spins around and it makes it kind of thick and creamy i gotta turn my phone is blowing up tonight yeah you put it in the you put it in the uh you put it in the cup of milk and then you you froth it up and then it gets all

thick and you put it in like coffee or you put in some ovaltine or something nice you know then you got some thick drink you know what i think we should do what should we do i really think we should return to monkey i'm just sick and tired of being a human I read that in the Torah You read what? What page is that on? What did you get for Christmas Astro? I didn't get anything

You didn't get anything for Christmas? True! I'm not lying I actually got zero items. Why is that? Uh... Did you- do you not have family? Well, um... Okay, look, just tell us what you got for Christmas.

I didn't get anything, okay? I didn't get anything! You didn't get anything for Christmas, dude! I don't have friends, I don't have parents, I don't get anything. WHAT?! I don't get anything! You didn't get anything for Christmas, dude! I don't have friends. I don't have parents. I don't get anything. I don't get anything! I'm your friend.

I'm your friend. Yeah, what the heck? Well, you didn't get me anything. That's so true. That's true. I didn't get you anything. I'm cheap, dude. I'm so cheap. Panda, what did you get for Christmas?

I got a new tablet. You got a new tablet? Yeah. Let me guess, you got a fucking Android, didn't you? No. You got some... I got a drawing tablet. Galaxy Note Tab.

I had to buy a display to HDMI. Oh. Oh, you got a drawing tablet. So, like, the screen is embedded embedded in it and you can draw on the screen and see it yeah i do some drawing can can i tell you about this drawing that i did yeah of course so well no so like it was so it was like fifth grade and i really didn't want to do math so like i drew like three lines and then i drew like three lines above that and then like i connected the lines to the other

lines and then like i added little triangles so it looked like a dollar sign i'm a fucking monster dude what i want to hurt people so bad. What are you talking about? I'm staying away from you. I want to hurt. Why? I'm backing up 10 feet. I'm staying at least 20 feet away from you.

Wait, hold on. Can we talk about this? No. I'm okay with talking about it if you are a panda. Can I say something? A panda DM'd me and he said, quote, I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed along with the voices inside of my head, end quote.

Oh my fucking God. Is that a Rihanna song? That's an Eminem song. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, like Jay-Z. Oh, I know that one. I think Rihanna featured on that one, my bad. It goes kind of like, Don't waste your time on me.

You're already the voice inside my head. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, blow rush to my head. I'm hot like, Hey, babe. Hey, babe. Aw.

Shalott, did you know Eminem has no chocolate in him I didn't was he like is he like peanuts instead or maybe like pretzel no he's a human

who's the dumb one now I reckon he's a human. Who's the dumb one now? God, I got caught. I reckon he's full of chocolate right now. Like, the high probability. What? What? It's around Christmas time. It's around Christmas time.

He probably has chocolate in his system right now. You think he's been eating chocolate? I think he's been eating chocolate ever since. I think you've been eating chocolates. No, I haven't had a single's been eating chocolate ever since. I think you've been eating chocolates. No, I haven't had a single chocolate. I'm not gonna lie, I've been eating chocolates. What kind of chocolate? M&M's.

What's your guys' favorite candy? M&M's. Nice. I'm gonna have to go with M&M's. You guys. They're good. I'm genuine. They're fucking awesome. Astro, what about you?

Skittles. Wow. Okay. Jeez. Tough crowd. I actually hate Skittles. He likes the fucking purple Skittles, I bet. They're all the same flavor, you fucker. What do i bet they're all the same flavor you fucker you mean they're all the same flavor aren't they not true aren't they all the

same you think they color each skittle separately and don't change the flavor of them what yeah honestly i thought that i could see like like santa's elves like just just to mess with some of the kids just be like oh yeah we're gonna cuddle this skittle red but it's gonna taste like lime and then they're like hey good one uh what's an elf name bjorn good one bjorn uh i sure i sure want to uh see my family but we've been stuck in this sweatshop for 14 hours in a row. Can we talk about that? Why is the old white man controlling all these innocent people that get nothing?

Oh my fucking god. No! I'm a proud Santa denier. Really? Yeah. You know how the presents get under that tree how they evolved they evolved under the tree i'm more of a creationist i think they just appeared there the science explains it dude what did they evolve from then huh huh hot shot they evolved from the air from the air that

sounds a lot like that sounds a lot like creationism, my friend. They just appeared there. I think it's all just energy, man. It's just chakra in the air, bro. Shut the fuck up. I bet you do Ouija boards. You do Ouija. Open your third eye.

Are you a Capricorn? Because that's such a cancer move of you. I'm actually a Virgo. You can't say something is a cancer move of them. I'm actually a Virgo. You can't say something is a cancer move of them if they're a Capricorn. That doesn't make sense because you can't be a Capricorn and then be a Cancer.

You can if Mercury's in retrograde. What I gotta do to get it through to you? I'm superhuman. Dude, I know the full thing do it I'm superhuman innovative innovative I give a motherfucking

I feel like that was elevator music. Greek elevator music. That was elevator music? No, it's, uh... No, he's saying you make elevator music, I think. Oh, man. Come on. You just insulted me. That's kind of mean, dude.

Why would you say that? Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga! I'm sick of your jabs, and it's always in rap form. I wish you would just talk to me. Settle things easier. What if we had an intervention right here? What if you guys aired out what was wrong with the other person and we settle it like adults?

I think that would really help. I'm not kissing you. Please kiss me. I'm not kissing you. This is what always happens. I respect. It always happens this way. You rap at me, I say stop rapping, and then you say babe let's make up, let's kiss.

I don't feel well right now. A lot of parallels between you two and me and my uncle. Have you guys seen that one image or meme where it's like when you're a child you're Spongebob, but when you get older you're Squidward. Yeah. I saw that. Some real shit. True. I feel like Squidward. You feel like Squidward?

Why do you feel like Squidward? Is your nose big? I wanna hurt people. You wanna hurt people? Excuse me. Oh my god. We're back to this again. He's just gonna start rapping. Please don't start rapping. I've had enough.

Oh. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Oh my god. Listen. The only thing you should be rapping is your Christmas gifts next year. That was cute.

I like that. Thanks. Do you guys give any fun gifts? Oh, okay. So I gave someone this. It's like a plastic spoon, but it's shaped like the Loch Ness Monster. That's fucking stupid. But it

came with a cup. You shut up. I don't care what you're saying, bro. I feel like there's a lot of built up tension between everybody today. I don't know. We need to release this. Let's hug it out.

Let's kiss it out. Let's hug it out. Make it kiss me. Let's tug it out. Let's kiss it out. Let's tug it out. EEEEGH Oh. That doesn't sound good. Whole lot of red? More like whole lot of mid. Am I right? Yeah? Are you talking about the Cardi album? Yeah. Do you wanna be Cardi? I'ma get, I'ma get it.

You know I'm straight doing your mom! What happened to him? Where did he go, Ray William Johnson? What do you mean? He released a whole lot of red. Oh. Hold on. You ever notice how the guy from Your Favorite Martian was always wearing a red hoodie?

Damn! Huh? Fuck, that's crazy. how the guy from Your Favorite Martian was always wearing a red hoodie? Damn! Huh? Fuck, that's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, you ever notice how he had glasses? Does Playboy Carty wear glasses? Wait, does Ray William Johnson wear glasses?

Hold on. I'm just... This guy's making up shit. No, I'm not. Doesn't the... Doesn't... You expect us to just believe everything you say? D***. D***.

D***. D***. What is that? That's Cardi B. Oh, wow. You need your rattle, you little baby. Dude, hold up. You want your rattle? Your little baby? Dude, hold up. You want your rattle? You sit right there.

Here, check this out. Wait. Oh, is he getting out his fucking ventriloquist friend again? Absolutely. No, no, no. This one's going to blow your freaking socks off. Okay. Oh.

Pretty cool, huh? What is that? Is that like an actual baby rattle? Yeah, it was my baby rattle. It has a bear on it. Do you have a baby? No, it was mine. Why would you keep that? Yeah, well, aren't you like...

Why is it like two feet away from you? It's made of silver. You're a freak. Are you going to pawn it or something? What's the point? Yo, I'm the closest thing to a fairy right now. You're a fucking child.

You need to grow up. I thought it was gay. You know I'm straight doing ya, mom. I wanna promote, I wanna be so cool one day You know I'm straight doing your mom. I want to promote. I want to be so cool one day that I'm able to promote those balls that you throw at the ceiling. Oh, like under Twitter replies? Yeah. What are those?

I want to get a viral tweet. Yeah, the projector as well. And then that thing that sticks to your skin and you rip it off like you rip your skin off yeah why would you do that i don't know maybe you get better at playing with the balls are you sure you're not talking about like the ball that you clean your car with maybe the fushigi ball oh my, don't get me started on the Fushigi ball, dude. I had one of those. So you used it to rip your skin off? No, what?

You know this right doing you, mom! Anyways, I was checking my stock portfolio the other day, and I realized that one of my index funds, JETS, was doing quite well. And if you didn't't know that was an index fund that um tracked all the airlines and uh i've gone up like 30 something percent since making my investment uh earlier this year which is uh no small feat guys what do you have to say about that is jet JetBlue a part of it? Oh, yeah, of course. Of course they are.

It's actually... Hold on. It's actually gone up closer to 40%. Yeah, that's crazy. What would you recommend for someone who doesn't know anything about index funds? Do some research into the S&P 500.

Oh, dude, I was just going to say that. So the S&P 500, and this will only really apply if you're American. Obviously, you can invest in American companies and shit if you're abroad, but I don't really know the process. But if you're an American american you should be investing your money into the s&p 500 it's uh it's basically a collection of the 500 biggest companies in the united states oh my god well look i'm trying to make you rich this is useful information this is useful information uh so listen up okay it's a collection of the 500 biggest companies in the in the world i'm sorry in the in the united states and uh over about a century of time it's returned on average year

after year almost 10 which means if you invest in into an index which means if you invest into an index fund that tracks the S&P 500, like Vanguard's VOO, for example, you might be making 10% of your money back in interest and all that shit year after year. It'd be fantastic. And you know how compound interest works.

All that money gets reinvested. And then in 20, say you say you put away $500 a month, which is, you know, Wait, wait, can I ask you a question of compound about compound interest? But if you do, if you're able to save up that money each month and you put it away and you invest into the S&P 500, you will be a millionaire by the time 22 or 23 years from now. You will be a millionaire if you do that. Astro, did you hear something what? Dude you don't even take it seriously you don't even care you know what I bet you fucking invest in lottery tickets, bro Guess what I've been collected. I've been collecting Pizza Hut food coupons

No go drink and drive buddy go drink and drive The Scholastic Book Fair I went to it Have some fun this new years I read some books in fifth grade about a bunch of Pizza Hut coupons. You're getting paid. I've been stacking them up. They're going to be worth a lot. They're going to be worth a lot.

I buy one scratch-off lottery ticket every time I go to the gas station, and I'm going to be rich. Oh my god. Astro, there's a song called The Story of OJ by jay-z and there's this one bar that i feel could apply and it's about investing uh it's like y'all think it's bougie i'm like it's fine but i'm trying to give you a million dollars worth of game for 999 yeah i turned two to a four four two and eight i turned my life into nice first week real estate yeah Yeah, I know, Jizzy. I'm pretty cool.

He could have bought something in Dumbo back when it wasn't Dumbo for like $1 million. That same property is worth like $8 million. Guess how he's feeling. Dumbo. Dumbo. What line comes after that, Panda? Um. I forgot. comes after that panda uh um i forgot it slipped my memory could you uh give me a refresher um i i happen to forgot as well crazy yeah it's weird how we both forgot

anyways you think like the chorus is the most rememberable rememberable part i know and yet it yet it it just flips out you don't even think of it wow i mean like if there's a one in 7.5 trillion chance that i'll like like if if there if there's like a one in 7.5 trillion chance like I'll win the lottery like I'll take it good odds that's what I say every time I get a scratch off even if it's 1 in 10 million like sounds good

yeah I know a guy who yeah dream cheated in minecraft I don't even know if he did and i'll say it i'll say it i just want to upset people dream cheated in minecraft he did dream cheated he did yeah he cheated in minecraft he mudded he changed the item drops yeah yeah no no this can't be dream would never do that. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. That's not the dream I know. And I also got Stephen Hawking to peer review my fucking research paper that I wrote about it. No. This can't be real.

Yep. And he went, yes. Yeah. This is real. Dream did not. Dream. Dream. Dream.

Oh, fuck. real dream dream dream why would the computer have a raspy voice why would the computer in the time of chimpanzees i was a monkey you turn in my veins and i'm at the country junkie with the plastic eyeballs spray paint the, dog food stalls with the beefcake penny hoes. Kill the headlights and put it in neutral. Stock car flaming loser cruise control or something? That sounds really good, man. You should turn that into a song. I'd download that. I've been thinking about it.

Yeah. AstroZist, what are you doing for New Year's? Um, you want my real answer? I might have a drink. I might walk downstairs. I might open

the garage door. Ooh. I might reach for the car and then say, no, it's new year's. Don't drink and drive. This is a PSA. Thank you.

No, I probably have sex. Really? Yeah, probably. Do you have a, do you have a lucky lady? Yeah,

we have sex. You what's that uh like must be nice you ever had sex like uh no no no that's no i haven't that's a lie what uh what is it what is it like what's uh sex like it's really hard to describe this, you know, without getting it cut out of the podcast. Okay. Well, try. Try. Okay.

Like, you know, like a breadstick from, like, an olive garden? Like an olive garden or something? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Unlimited in nature. Imagine a shape kind of like that. You've seen a shape like that before? Like a rectangle?

Big old breadstick. Well, no, more like rounded. olive gardens olive garden breadsticks are rectangular okay well all right let's imagine like a pre-packaged breadstick from like walmart okay so it's not as good as an olive garden breadstick but it's like it's there i think are you thinking of like a croissant maybe no that no it's definitely not croissant shaped. Is yours croissant shaped? Is mine croissant shaped? I feel like that's what you're implying here.

No. Mika, what are they talking about? I don't know. I think they're talking about Olive Garden. Yeah, so you take the breadstick and it may or may not have cheese in it. Is that Olive Garden? Oh, like a cylinder. That's all right, I guess. Yeah, and you take the breadstick and it may or may not have cheese in it. Do you ever eat at Olive Garden? Oh, like a cylinder. That's all right, I guess.

Yeah, and you basically stick that inside. Okay, imagine like a... I've actually never eaten at Olive Garden before. Imagine like a pear, you know, like a good juicy pear at the store. A lot of people give it shit, but it's all right. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. A Bartlett pear? Yeah, you slice that in half.

Pears and shit? Slice that in half. People don't say they really like it. Slice that pear in half. Slice it in half? Just look at it. Look at it, okay? All right, take the breadstick, smash it in half. Pears and shit. Slice that in half. People say they really like it. Slice that pear in half. Just look at it. Look at it. Okay. All right, take the breadstick.

Smash it in there. It's annoying. Smash it in there. Yeah, don't they have, like, some kind of... Smash the breadstick. You go in and out, and just naturally, juices are going to appear. That's pretty cool, but... Those juices will allow for the breadstick to slide in easier and easier.

Like, that's a lot of carbs. You're crazy. This is not. Slowly but surely, especially if it's cheesy. Why would you jam a breadstick into a pear? Slowly that cheese is going to ooze out of the breadstick. Okay. Maybe not even slowly.

Maybe all at once. Like a splurge. This is not even funny. A splurge from the breadstick into the pear. Ba-ba-booey.