Sleep Deprived Podcast - Sleep Deprived Podcast #12

Episode Date: January 2, 2021

the boys talk about airplanes for 32 minutes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I feel like everybody welcome everybody welcome back to the sleep deprived podcast this is the 12th episode we're 12 in at this point and I'm joined by uh all these guys it's been a wonderful three months I know a lot's happened we're on Spotify now you guys can go listen to the sleep deprived podcast on Spotify just search up sleep deprived shows up right there you guys also remember that uh that shirt we made back in the day. We're bringing that back. We're bringing it back. We're not bringing the shirt back. It's coming back. With the pillow on it, it's coming back.

Hashtag bring the shirt back. Who made the original logo? It was me. I made it. Nice. Because I did all the work. And now guess what, motherfucker? I do none of the work now.

I just show up and all my minions do my work for me. I feel like that's true, but also that the shirt design was so iconic, people are literally petitioning for it to come back. Like, have you seen that? There are people actually posting on change.org. You know, I solved world hunger by a change.org. You did? Yeah.

Wow. I just put my name there and everyone's fed yeah i remember i used my platform to uh post a change.org petition once and uh it actually worked what did you want to change um i want next topic so it's the new year's guys it, I mean, canonically, it's like 2018. Yeah. New Year, baby. Canonically, it's not. But I mean, look, we have moved on into the new year.

It's 2021 at this point. I figured we'd go through, we just go along the line and tell everybody what our New Year's resolutions is. How does that sound? Panda. What's your New Year's Resolutions is. How does that sound? Panda! What's your New Year's Resolution? You caught me mid-yard. Aw, you ruined it, dude. Does that ever happen to you?

Can you do someone else and then I need to know, okay? Alright. Astro, what's your New Year's Resolution, man? My New Year's Resolution is to stop wiping. I'm just gonna stop altogether. I think it's just a waste of time. Think about all that.

You know, people always talk about sleep takes up so much time in your life. Wiping takes up a lot of time, man. Sometimes you're in there for 30 seconds wiping that ass. So I'm thinking just stop altogether. I might save a couple days and clock those babies in.

Only 30 seconds? Yeah, well, I'm a fast wiper. You're wiping for only 30 seconds? Maybe 20 on a good day. I just had the best feeling. Oh, my God. You ever heard of the ghost? You've been a no wiper?

Yeah, the ghost poop. It's called the ghost poop. Have you? No, I'm serious. I've researched this. Wait, you guys wipe? Have you ever been so confident in your no wiper that you've just stood up and pulled your pants up and that's it?

Well, I already shit standing up, so I don't actually have to do that. What? Wait, what? Yeah, what? You guys don't do the flamingo? One leg up? I knew someone who... That's so funny.

I can tell you're not joking because I knew someone who actually did go standing up. That's awesome, man. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. He told us one day. We're all like, what? Why? Did you start doing it too? Because that's how I started. Some guy got me into it. He was like, you should do it. It's good. It's good for you. Just some guy standing on the side of the road

like, hey kid, let me teach you something. I've been hooked ever since. I used the squatty potty i cannot do that i've tried because when you're at a public bathroom you don't want to like touch that so but i can't do it i've tried so many times well i mean when you're at home in the comfort of your own of your own house i mean you can get the squatty potty get maybe even like a shoebox you know fly in front of me knees up closer closer to your

chest and for you to you to relax that sphincter you know i don't like when you word it like that you know guys i'm really p shy are you guys p shy the hell does that mean like you can't pee around other people i think that's normal really i mean how often are you peeing with other people no like if i'm in a public bathroom i can't pee with other people in there i just cannot are you scared of them seeing your wiener have that what what why hold on sorry i'm just i'm confused this is why he's pee shy i don't get it what's why i don't know i just can't i try like i don't even go to the urinal because I don't know. Like, I go in the stall when I go pee, right? But I can't even do it in there.

I'm not poop shy. I just can't pee. I had that problem bad in high school. One of the most awkward moments of my life was when I walked in to the stall and there was a person in the stall next to me. And I was trying to pee in the stall um and there was a person in the stall next to me and i was i was uh i was trying to trying to pee in the stall and so i i just couldn't because i was pee shy you know oh my god yeah and then i i struggle for like 30 seconds and like

honestly yeah yeah that's how the fuck it is it's terrible then you hear the other person just like yeah in the other stall and then you're like fuck so i was like shit i can't do it and so i i pulled my pants back up and i left like the other person in the stall next to me he doesn't know what i look like he doesn't like remember probably doesn't even remember it. But me? Oh, my God. No, he remembers everything. Yeah, it might be really traumatic for him.

He probably thinks about it every night. Someone walks in and they just go... What are you in here for? Fucking unzip and then zip back up after nothing happens. Hey Panda, what's your New Year's resolution, man? To blow up and then act like I don't know about it.

Yeah. I'll get your grave ready. No. I'm gonna live forever, dude. I'm gonna live to 100. You just said you want to blow up this year. You're not gonna live very long. No, I meant to blow up as in get big numbers. Come on, everyone knew he meant blow up as in get big numbers.

Now I'm so embarrassed. God. This reminds me of that time, that up dog, dude. What's up, dog? God damn it, I fell for it again. Every time. Oh, man. Hey, you want some ABC gum? got another piece right here yo pop one out for me man

all right there's the piece there's the piece oh i'm so happy yeah give it to me yeah yeah yeah take it thank you oh Thank you. Wait, Ashro, can I try that? I think we pulled this on him once. I think we pulled this on him once. Oh, I fell for it again. You did this the other week. I was already been chewed, man. I was already been chewed.

What'd you think it meant? I forgot what the C stood for. What a fucking preschooler. I forgot what the C stood for. I'm going to take you through a tour to the moon and then have the ginger kid take his helmet off and kill himself? Take you through it? What?

Wait, what? What? You don't remember when they went to the moon in Magic School Bus and then the kid with the red hair took his helmet off after he got pissed? You don't remember this? I know what you're talking about. They were bullying the kid. They were bullying the kid because he's a little bitch.

Is he doing a die? He's a little Aussie. And then he's like you know what fuck you guys and then he then he takes his helmet off on the moon and his head his head gets it's it just turns into a block of ice what if the sequel and he just comes back as like this like evil scientist he's like they're always making fun of me i'm gonna show them and then he like teleports them to the moon and he like, he like forces them into a room with a key and he like chains them up.

Right. And there's only one key and there's two in each room, but there's only one key per room. And then like, there's a saw and then that he's like, keep going. And then he's like, we're going to play a game. And then, Keep going. And then he's like, we're going to play a game.

And then... That's, yeah, good. Hey, Mika, what was your New Year's resolution? I want to get really good at melodica. I'm going to shred on it. That's stupid. Hey, I can do it. Panda, drop some bars, man. Yo.

Oh. Bro. Cho. You know? Oh. Hey. Hey. Hey.

You're the bad one. Yo. I don't like Home Depot. Yo. I don't like Home Depot. I'm a freak-o. Yo, that was really good, guys. Thanks. I can tell you my real New Year's resolution.

Okay, cool. Sure. I want to get gold in AD carry in League of Legends. That is so fucking stupid and pathetic. Are you a virgin? Have you had the touch of a woman? Do I need to explain this again? Because last week I had to do the whole breadstick analogy,

and that took a long time. No, do the breadstick analogy. Again? Again. Oh, don't fucking hear it. Okay, so imagine this, right? You got like a peach. Imagine like a ripe peach, okay? We're not.

This is already getting out. This is already getting out. What do you want to do? We have three bits. We have this, Hillary Clinton globule, and we got like, this is it. Man, you got to pick one. What do you want?

Option one is we talk about the breadstick, or option two is we talk about Hillary Clinton globule. If you want to get spicy, we can do a tennis rally. Trump farting. Trump farting, please. Trump farting? Okaying please trump farting okay new bit new bit new bit okay have you guys seen the trump farting video what okay you guys need to see this video there's this video where trump farts and he's like excuse me which basically just admits that he farted and it wasn't just like a it was a like a loud destroyer you're a freak you're an absolute freak i'm not the freak he's the one who did it are you kidding me i think he's making it up though i think a panda is making it up

no watch the video why are you the one to always bring these topics up? Because it makes me happy. I think this guy's got a fetish. No. I don't want to get into it because we found a way to... That was a rough one. I can smell it here. That fucking stinks.

Oh, man. You know what? He might need a washing machine after after that one no he might need a washing machine what why what are you upset about my washing machine broke today did it it did i went downstairs and uh you know i went to go check the clean clothes and the water was just all the way at the top. It didn't drain. And so, you know what I did for three hours? I scooped it out with a cup. I scooped out the water with a cup. And then I drank it.

Nice. Reminds me of that one time where my toilet bowl overflowed and it went all over the floor. Yeah, then you took a cup and you scooped it out and you drank it. You guys think this is a joke? This really happened to me. How am I going to wash my clothes? I don't even know. I got to sit.

I got to go to the laundromat. Who goes to the laundromat? I'm going to get mugged. You could just suck on them. You. Play the Trump fart again. Play it. That made me feel better maybe you should just get a better washing machine you ever think of that you ever think of that getting getting a goddamn like new samsung

one that texts you my washing machine fucking texts me it sends me an sms message i'm so lonely please come get the clothes yeah yeah and then i sent it a fucking eight ball request and it never it never does it fill me up with water please oh god oh you ever get stuck in the washing machine i'd throw a very small person in the washing machine that's what i'm talking about close it yeah watch them uh swish around then they say i've had it and then they take their helmet off and then they freeze to death what kind of one percent washing machines do you guys have to have like windows on your washing machine i have zero percent of a washing machine right now and i i want to stop talking about a window on it you open the door the door doors made of like this good for you man good for you and it

texts you when it's over you got a washing machine oh big man hey buy some more dogecoin you crypto fashion oh no man no man I'm not into it reached it reached a cent did it Did it reach a dollar? I think it's.012. So it's getting up there. It's getting up there. If you buy a bunch of Dogecoin right now, you will have a bunch of Dogecoin. Yeah, and then everyone will slowly back away from you whenever you start talking.

Not my problem. That's what start talking. Not my problem. That's what I say. Not my problem. That's very true. Sometimes I just see a dude dying on the street. I'm like, not my problem. I just walk away from him. No, not my problem.

Not my problem. That's what I say. That's really messed up. Have you heard of Darwinism? Survival of the fittest. One time I saw my brother choking on an apple slice and I said, survival of the fittest. time i saw my brother choking on an apple slice and i said survival of the fittest what are you gonna do why is your throat that small you're choking on an apple slice like if you were gonna die from an apple slice maybe you were just meant to die yeah same

thing with like peanuts you know who's allergic to that you die over over a nut? Guys, this is nuts. Maybe you deserve it. Shut the fuck up. Wait, did you just say this is nuts? Oh, man. Can we talk about the thing you tweeted on our Twitter account? That was me, guys. That was me. I did that.

I tweeted. Okay, what did you tweet? I tweeted. Wait, what did I tweet? I think you tweeted, I want to hurt people, which was a classic line from the last episode of the Sleep Deprived podcast. Which was recorded in 2018. You thought it was just okay to say sans context on twitter.com. I apologize, guys. I've reflected. Yeah, I need a Twitlonger out of you, please. You know, Twitlonger's a very interesting website. Why is that?

It's like, it's just a longer version of Twitter. That's not interesting at all. I think it's interesting. I think that's like the least amount of interesting. Can we please cut this? This was so bad. No, you know, we should keep it in. We should keep it in to tarnish your reputation? This was so bad. No, you know what? We should keep it in. We should keep it in to varnish your reputation. That was so bad.

Yeah, we should keep it all in. Do you guys think we can get Obama on the podcast? No. Andrew Yang followed me, though. Maybe we'll get him on. Yeah, we can get him on. What if we actually got Andrew Yang on the podcast? Andrew Yang when he runs for mayor in New York City and loses.

I gotta get a New York slice. I gotta get a New York slice. I gotta go to John Oblika Street. Oh, man. Get myself a New York slice. Did you guys see Andrew Yang when he was taking the whipped cream in his mouth on his knees? What? You never seen that?

Is this like a michael bloomberg big gay ice cream moment okay he was giving the whipped cream on a guy into a guy on yeah and and the campaign manager was trying to stop him he's like grabbing at him and like pulling him back but he just keeps going he's just loving it i don't see the problem what's wrong here i just think it's awesome that's weird dude i wouldn't want my future president doing that that's all i'm saying i'll be the i'll be the first to say it that's weird why is it weird though i think it rocks because there's a man on his knees letting andrew his eyes are closed too. He's got a mouth in poggers form.

Letting a man, letting Andrew Yang squirt a bottle of whipped cream into his mouth. So when are we getting him on? Squirt two globules out of his throat. Out of his throat into a cuff you know.

Do the fart sound effect. We should sell globules on t-shirts think about it i don't like that the globules are one of our bits why can you find something funnier to replace it with you like find something funnier you got to find a funnier bit right now on the spot we need a better bit uh it's still good it's still making me laugh no I don't think we're going to get Obama I don't think it's possible I don't think Obama cares too much about what we've been doing

unless we want to make some kind of like grassroots effort to change America we could do the change.org that will literally change America we could do a change.org we could do the change.org that will literally change America we could do a change.org yeah yeah we could do a change.org that just says change America we should do one called love each other that will literally solve everything right

yeah can we do a change.org that says stop Joseph Kony? He's still out there, man. He's still doing his thing, I'm sure. You know, now that we're in 2021, like we're one year away from the decade anniversary of Kony 2012. You guys know the Jetsons was based off of 2021. Really? Yeah. We should compare what the Jetsons have that we don't. Everything.

Here, this is a Jetsons family breakfast. So basically what's on this picture is it's the Jetsons for a family dinner, family breakfast. And there's like a dispenser that's shooting out little hams going like. And then there's a sausage link going like. And there's a dog with a bowl in the back there's like a plane and like obama's on it he's like flying towards it and he's like all right stop it what there's a bunch of dogecoin falling from the sky oh i see the dogecoin yo wait do you is that coney coney and obama have banded together you know what hold on time i've had enough of this joseph coney motherfucker can we do a petition about this guy okay another change.org page get another one

yeah do you see the guy on the right just sniffing the coffee going like wow he's sniffing the straw why do we even need a straw why don't you just drink out of the cup like you guys no because the liquid gets all over need a straw? Why don't you just drink out of the cup? No, because the liquid gets all over your face, and I hate that. You ever drink really cold water at a restaurant, and it's cold, but it also burns? Like ice cold water? You're pissing me off. I cannot be the only one.

Can somebody comment down below if they also experienced this? Oh my god. Can somebody comment down below? Comment down below if you like Obama. Don't comment that. If we get 10,000 likes, we'll know that you drink water. We're doing a gift card giveaway. $500 to the top commenter right now. For legal reasons, we're not doing that.

We are not doing that. We are bringing back the shirt if we get 2,000 comments on this video. The sleep deprived shirt is coming back. I'm not going to lie and say we haven't been thinking of ways to make more money on the podcast. I mean, we've got an employee now. We hire someone to do everything for us. It's great. And soon we're going to start taking ads.

From JetBlue? One of us will just start taking ads. Who maybe it'll be from jet blue maybe it'll be from fucking america american you know i hope it's not from them hate that god forbid ryanair oh jesus christ all right i'm sending over a tennis ball your way schlatt. Here we go. Oh, where is it? Oh, Jesus. Another round, Mika, huh? Where'd it go? I don't know where it is. Oh, God.

They're doing it again. What the hell? I'm looking for it. You know, I was kind of done with it the second time. I just realized. I think it's tired. I think the tennis... I was watching my tennis balls in the washing machine.

It's like a movie, a sequel that doesn't switch up the formula at all. I think that's what happened. At this point, it's been like four times. The tennis ball's probably lodged in the washing. And it's just way too much. Oh, I didn't get a text about it. That's my criticism.

Maybe I'll just leave it in there for a little more. Too much tennis. Well, I can throw some other things that we can lobs. I'll put on my phone at you. Yeah, sure. I mean,

I got to give him credit for switching it. Oh, the phone broke. It's not the same. You know, it's not the same. know it's not the same it's cracked man oh like i mean we should take this out of the editor's paycheck yeah i miss the old sdp okay so you take a breadstick and you put it into we've only been doing this for like 10 weeks i don't know what the problem is how can we have changed in that we've changed you've changed i don't know you anymore where am i real talk though i think we have changed in that we've changed you've changed i don't know you anymore

where am i real talk though i think we've changed for the better how's that i think we've actually improved you think so i do i think we actually we like we've actually improved like i bet we could just role play breaking bad i've never watched it but here we we go. Gus! Jesse, it's time to cook. Is one of them Gus? Yeah, Gus from Uncle Grandpa. Gus, cook up this meth. I'm Jesse. I love drugs. You gotta stop doing drugs.

We gotta cook this meth. I cannot. I have a smoking hot girlfriend. Oh, look, it's Gus Fring. Gus Fring is entering the building. I'm Walter White. I just fell for the law. No, I'm Walter White.

I'm Walter White. You can't be Walter White. No, I'm Walter White. I'm Walter White. You can't be Walter White. Two Walter Whites? Which one's the real one? It's my clone. I think what happened is the mess. We cooked it too well, and then it turned into a clone, and now there's two of me. I'm going to have to kill someone.

Which one do I kill? Wait a minute. Don't shoot me. Paul Goodman. Paul Goodman. Who is it? Who's the real one? I don't understand this reference.

Okay, we gotta say something that only the real Walter White would know. Okay, the ingredients to cooking meth are as follows. Bleep that out. Okay, now continue. Other Walter White. You want me to squirt whipped cream in your mouth? Oh, look, It's Barack Obama! No, it's not!

Why is he in here? Why is he in the meth lab? Barack, you can't do that, man. You're a president. This is some good shit. That's our product, Barack. We have to ship that. Oh, Lois Griffin from The Family Guy. What's up?

Oh, Peter! Nice crack. That sounds like Mar Guy, what's up? Oh, Peter. Nice crack. That sounds like Marge, doesn't it? Oh, it does. Oh, homie. You know what? This is getting weird. I'm done with meth.

I'm done. I love meth. I love meth, homie. No, this is where I'm at. That's a troubled mess. This is where I'm at. No more meth for me. I'm going back to being a chemistry teacher.

This is too much. Howdy, y'all. I'm Cleveland Brown. I have my own show and it got canceled, y'all. You can't do that anymore. You can't do it, Zeus. Why can't he do it anymore? They fired the white voice actor that voices Cleveland.

The voice actor of Cleveland was white? Yeah. Wait, really? Wow. Childhood ruined. Wow, that ruined my life. Everything I know is now flipped on its head. It sounds like youter white from that

uh scene where he falls on the on the dirt oh i love that gif i feel like i have a peanut allergy i've just gotten the radius of a walnut maybe your washing machine can send you a text to comfort you oh we're watching the gif right now that's funny that's pretty good what's the context of that why does he fall to the side i think much math he's weak he's like there's something where he can't do anything i think nah he just can't do he saw someone die i'm pretty sure oh really yeah it's actually like a huge spoiler like if there's anyone watching breaking bad if we were to tell them what happens in this scene they would just they would they would they couldn't keep going walter white yes walter white is jesse's dad walter white is jesse's

dad and then james comes and then meowth comes from like we're team rocket and then ash is like go pikachu and they snort some fucking meth and say we're blasting off again they've been doing it for 20 years and they couldn't catch that stupid rat think about that they're failures they have to go to bed every night resting on their conscious that they fail for 20 years yeah why don't they just shoot it with a gun? Honestly, like, why is it so special? Just kill it. I feel like it'd be easier catching Mewtwo than Ash's Pikachu. No Pokemon can withstand a bullet.

Oh, okay, here's my question with, like, leaf Pokemon. Are they made of leaves, or do they have guts and organs? If you were to cut, like, a Venusaur in half, it wouldn't bleed? Like, water would seep out, that's it? Who gives a shit? Just shoot it with a gun who gives a single shit i do i care i want to know i wanted to know my whole life it's not even interesting it is interesting i'm sure there's people interested right now go like study something here he goes about his stocks again

oh look you put in you put in 500500 a month, which is no harm. Wait, wait, can I tell you something before we keep going? Let's not beat around the bush and say that it's easy or something. No, no, no. I just got to tell you something before we say anything. Roth IRA. Roth IRA this. Roth IRA that.

No, no, no. Oh, it's Obama. It's Obama. There he is. Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Fuck you. Obama.

You put it away every month. Obama. Obama. It accumulates 10%. Here the drones a year holy shit you guys don't even want me to you don't to these people who are watching do you okay what is that that is a gif of of of the actor dressed... I don't even know what the fuck that is. What is he in? What is he in? He's a method actor, man. We can't have all these visual gags.

Most people just put it on in the background. He doesn't know what's going on. Okay, so it's a gif of Walter White looking at his phone and he's wearing a... What is he wearing? What is he wearing, dude? Is that some kind of spiritual thing he's getting into his role okay walter white was uh he was a weird guy i would prefer if you guys called him by his name which

is jesse eisenberg i just realized jesse eisenberg is not his name holy shit that's the dude that plays Mark Zuckerberg in the social network. What? I don't know. The guy that plays Walter White is J.B. Fox. I don't care. God. I care. I care. Can we get another Trump fart?

Oh, God, man. Trump with the wet ones. I just visualized it coming out of like a tuba because Mika's playing that shit. You're so toxic I'm slipping under the taste of your lips I'm on a ride Show's over everybody go home I wish you was

It's Obama It's that time of the podcast again where we just start singing shit from the mid 2000's Are we actually done? No We got more? Just one or two more bits who knows maybe it'll be funny come on man it was funny no it wasn't come on everybody was laughing hi moist no it was laughing everybody was laughing it was so good i was shaking my head it was the best part of the whole

thing okay let's do a bit we're like all in like a dumpster together and we're dying and like the light we got this last it's like one banana and we're fighting over who's gonna eat it all right okay i don't eat my fucking banana man give me the banana man i'm gonna die no no i want i just fuck you you're not a monkey actually we should team up and take it me banana oh god yeah i'm gonna pass out together and steal it from them i already ate it sorry the? No! That was our last banana! You saved the whole thing. I'm gonna die. Walter White is now on the floor in awe.

He just- Jesse! My banana, Jesse! Oh no! We look like banana people! Time to praise God. Pull it together, sleep-deprived gang. We can do this.

We just need one or two more bits to appease our workmaster. 48-bit. 16-bit. Okay, Mika, come up with a bit. 8-bit. 4-bit. 2-bit. 1-bit.

No bits! Okay, a panda. Hit us with a final bit. One more bit, a panda. We need the bit. Set the stage. Okay, well, I lost the English version, but i do have the persian version can we say this yeah what are you saying what is that what is that supposed to be are you persian can you say

that it says did you know did you know mother mother mother military service is bad bad bad the time is off a little little little mother who birthed me who you fucked my mouth did you know i will grow to military service why did you give me milk and didn't let me die. That sucks. Ba-ba-booey. Ba-ba-booey. That's just the end. That's how people know it's the end. One more bit. One more bit for Schlatt. One more bit.

Schlatt, give us the final bit, man. You didn't do a bit. Come on, man. stop doing that stop doing that I can't think straight oh shlatt that's not funny that's getting gross

that's just fucked man what that's fucked up. What? Marge is a married woman. No. Oh, God. Oh, shit.

That's it. Bye-bye, Bowie. Bye-bye, Bowie. Give me the fuck out of here. Bye-bye, Bowie. Bye-bye, Bowie.