Sleep Deprived Podcast - Sleep Deprived Podcast #30 ft. Ted Nivison

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

the boys talk about airplanes for 46 minutes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Staring at the blank page before you open up the dirty window. Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find. I ain't got so much in the desk. It's so close you can almost taste it. I leave your inhibitions. Feel the rain on your skin. The king of Iron Fist Tournament. Enter the Tech Kid.

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the Sleep Deprived Podcast, episode 30, everybody. We've been doing this for four years and we're 30 episodes in. Never missed a week. Happy to have you all here today. And we're joined by Ted. Hey. Hi, Ted.

It's me. Hi, Ted. Wait, who's Ted? Who are you? I am Ted Nivison. Who's this extra guy in our call? I snuck in. Nivison?

Our new member. Nivison? Our new member. Nivison. One of the doors were ajar, and luckily I had a little bit of a crowbar on me. I carry that around whenever I go. So you can beat people up. Yeah. So if I see someone that looks especially innocent and someone who looks looks like they're um they might have money on them oh because a lot of people say that youtubers make a lot of money a lot of money a lot of money

i have a lot of money no no no schlatt says that but that's really just an outward pr stunt really the dude he's he's in the dumpster he's in the dumpsters so what are you gonna do with the crowbar then what are you gonna do with it um youbar then? What are you going to do with it? You break the knees, you grab the wall, and you go because they can't shoot you. Okay, which one of us is it going to be? The tension is killing me. Clearly, it's...

I mean, come on. Let's... Panda, hello. Woo! Me! I feel like I haven't been totally formally properly I haven't directed you guys too much so I mean well we don't really care

I mean this is an important question though I mean how do I know whose knees I'm going to break I think you should break a panda's knees I agree with you I think you should break his knees I think you should break a panda's knees he's got a picture of a cat as his ghost cord thing he's a soft little baby boy he deserves it.

He deserves it. The amount of things he said. Just break his knees, Ted. I'm hoping I can. Ted, think about it. You don't have to. You can, though. You do, though. Do it.

Actually think about it, you don't have to. Let's go around the room, everybody. Can we go around the room with some ice breakers okay i'd like an icebreaker what's one interesting thing about everybody here i'll go first i'm gonna be homeless in a week really yeah what what's going on so i don't have a place to live anymore. Why not? The lease is up at Miskup, right? Yeah, it's up. Time's up, baby.

Are you going to find another house? No, I haven't. This is it. I haven't been able to. It's just over now. I haven't been able to find a new house. So it's just over now. I haven't been able to find a new house, so it's just been... I'm just... I don't know what I'm going to do, actually.

I know what you could do. I have the perfect mud pile you could live in. You have a mud pile? Yeah, I have a little mud hut that I made myself with fire. Where is it? Mud market's pretty good this year. Yeah. Let me tell you what's not good.

Lumber. Lumber. Lumber's expensive these days. So is ammo. Yeah, you should invest in water. That's what I think. Ammo's really expensive. It's like a dollar per bullet of range ammo right now.

Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. Dollar per bullet. Why is it so expensive and because when coronavirus hit all the fucking gun nuts just bought up the shit ton of ammo and now people are shooting again too is that real ranges are open i'm still holding on to my toilet paper it might go up yeah but i mean

that that's what happens i mean it's the same thing as like when if there's like a tornado or anything that requires you to be inside for an extended period of time it's like you know whenever they say that there's gonna be a storm and there's like everyone buys like bread and milk and shit it's like the the gun nuts people or just anyone who has a gun they just go to the gun store and they just buy a shit ton of ammo ted this is way too serious are you an ass or a titties man um i'd say i'm an ass man because i feel like it's unreasonable to be a titties man um i maybe i'm an ass man because i feel like it's unreasonable to be a titties man yeah i agree with that born with the titties they have and unless you expect them to get something done special i mean you gotta respect the ass that

they have what are you talking about i'm saying that you're born with the titties that you have but you can work for having a good ass no but your titties can get bigger yeah you can get bigger tits yeah i mean you can get to get bigger tits. Yeah, I mean, you can get bigger tits, but not by the virtue of doing squats. You can have like a baby. You can get the shot. You can get the COVID shot. Yeah, did you get the Pfizer? Did you get the Pfizer, Ted? The Pfizer

makes your titties grow. Yeah. I got Moderna. Oh. Is that true? Is that true? I got big balls now. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got the Pfizer one. they uh testosterone in there shoot it big balls that's me now how much would you sell your balls for uh a hundred dollars if i was in a bad situation okay but the situation right now a hundred thousand really a hundred thousand you would cut your balls off no you need you'd need way more

than a hundred thousand that's pretty low i think i think somebody would do it you're getting low balls i mean a hundred thousand dollars that's still less one i'm laughing but i don't understand oh man no i don't care we just just kind of says things and yeah please he's pretty funny he's pretty funny yeah yeah and that's our relatives if you don't laugh. You're funny, dude. The political nuance of the show. That's exactly why you're going to break a panda's kneecaps right now. Yeah, you're going to break a panda's kneecaps right now. A panda...

How much would you pay me to bust your balls with a crowbar? Okay. I'll do it for... I'll take it for free. I'm into it. I'm not. I'll pay you. I'll pay you. I'll pay you to do it for i'll take it for free i'm into it i'm not i'll pay you i'll pay you i'll pay you to do it for me three million dollars you let me three you'd let me crush your fucking testicles remove your ability to have children for the rest of your life you just said you're doing it for 100k

what are you talking about well because i don't have any respect for myself but i thought you did whoa you're on the wrong podcast. I could buy new balls. I thought this was a sleep deprived podcast. I thought this was a respectful podcast. I'm going to start a Kickstarter. Which by the way is getting recorded at... You can't say that. I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired, asshole. Can you have a testicle transplant? We're going to chop your nuts off. I feel well slept and I'm a little... God, I'm mad. I'm We're going to chop your nuts off. I feel well slapped. And I'm a little... God, I'm mad. I'm mad slapped. Say goodbye to your nuts.

We're cutting your nuts off, big guy. Right now. Just like I did last week. I want the left one. Wait, you cut your... You cut that off last week? Why would you do that? I was at the Bitcoin conference.

Did they make you do that? Do you not know the meta in Bitcoin, dude? Come on. I wanted to join the panel. It's a show of dominance within the cryptocurrency community that slice those suckers off. Show that you value nothing else above getting that cryptocurrency, the block chain.

Sweet, sweet, train-spotting high. When I was in Miami for the Floyd May mayweather fight there were a lot of rich crypto asshole douchebags in miami oh really you could just spot them because you know what they look like i mean you could just tell what when someone's a millionaire off of fucking bitcoin you know what they look like describe what they look like for people who are stained jeans stained jeans they basically carry the same outfit like they're fucking Ben 10. Yeah, they got the Omnitrix

on them. Oh, yeah. They got these stupid glasses and a big shit-eating grin and they live in Los Angeles and they got black hair and tall sometimes.

Tall. Enjoys a good steak dinner at Boa's Steakhouse. Let me clarify something. My hair is not black. You're getting oddly specific here. Yeah, he's talking about me. That's the bit here. He's going for me.

He's coming for me right now. I'm going for you. I'm sick of this. We need to cut off your balls. I'm coming for those nuts for those nutties i mean i feel like that's how that's how logan paul could have really he could have cut off in the in the gloves but i mean if you have strong enough hands i'm sure that you could get your hands wide enough to get a grip on the balls right no well there's a reason there's a term below the belt because you're not

allowed to do anything below the belt it's an exhibition match you can't well no you can't listen i studied this okay i weighed all the options before betting my life savings on and i i figured out that there was no possible scenario in which Logan Paul could get away with putting his hands on Floyd Mayweather's. Well, does below the belt. This is something that was a valid thing to think about. Juicy. Nuts. They're juicy?

Does below the belt refer to like the belt line of the shorts he's wearing? Yes. So why wouldn't he just pants him and then do that because then it wouldn't be oh that's true that is a good point that's so true or pants floyd mayweather that that big bulbous thick viscous viscous just why viscous? I'm a bit of an amoeba. I'm drunk. I'm drunk right now.

I wish I was drunk right now. What are you drinking? Mountain Dew. Leave it out in the sun for a couple hours. That shit ferments quick. It ferments moonshine. It curdles. I'll find a gun later today.

You're going to buy a gun in this market? Yeah, when this podcast is over, I'm going out to the gun range and I'm buying a gun. What kind of gun? I'm not going to tell you. Okay. Because I don't want it to be on permanent record what gun I own because then

the government could see that uh and the government has no right to know what kind of gun i own um national registries are treat are are damn near a violation of every single human right on this planet and uh if a government agent knocks on my door i will not hesitate to shoot them um and plead the fifth you're to shoot a government official? China could never invade the United States of America. Sounds like a ray gun, dude. And then I'll go to China and be best buddies with

Xi Jinping. Xi Jinping. As I said before, they could never invade. You know why? Why? We got more guns than people here. That's true they land on the beaches wait more people i'm sure there's at least three people that own a tank

private citizens come on yeah of course and i hope to someday be one of those people and mika there are like there are three guns per person in the united states there's some crazy shit like that i don't know if you knew that but there are really yeah there are like multiple guns per person in the United States. There's some crazy shit like that. I don't know if you knew that, but there are. Wait, really? Yeah, there are like multiple guns per person here. So what you're saying is people could use all three arms and then... Yes. Yes.

I saw a video online of a man. He must have been in Alabama or something like that, but he made a beautiful contraption. He had basically bought five AK-47s and strapped it to this device that he had created, and it was a homemade AK-47 Gatling gun. And you crank it, and he's got a bunch of drum mags on each ak-47 and you start spinning it and it shoots a lot of bullets really really quickly and it looks sketchy as shit and you know that if china lands on the beaches of of alabama yeah you know that's coming out

that's getting some action that's oh yeah they're gonna show up on a fucking toyota tacoma forest green with a fucking ak-47 gatling gun attached to it and that is going to be the end of xi jinping how do you say his name xi jinping xi jinping but name? Xi Jinping. Xi Jinping. But you realize this, Ted. You realize this. China has nukes. We have nukes. We'll just nuke each other and then die. That would... That'd be so boring.

I've played like all the Fallout games. I think I could survive a nuke. Oh, you think you'd survive a nuke? I'm special. Oh, you're special. I'm different than other people i live in los angeles i live in the biggest city in the united states that certainly wouldn't get nuked well i live in the city of angels the home of hollywood i is the closest to Los Angeles.

What fucking city are they nuking first? I hope you get nuked. You're not listening to me. What city is going to get nuked first if we have a conflict with any fucking country in Asia, bro? It's Los Angeles. You are dead. You're dead, bro. I have seen the one movie with Indiana Jones where there's a nuke test going on and he gets in a fridge

and he survives. Oh my god. I remember that. You say you've played Fallout, then you would have seen the skeleton in the fridge in the wasteland. Exactly. No. That's... But Indiana Jones is like more real than Fallout, okay?

We're taking your nuts. Goodbye, nuts. We invented the micro-transits. No more nuts. Fallout's universe does this. I think we should saw them off. Yeah. Suck them?

You guys are stressing me out right now. No, sell. Sell them off. Sell them. Okay. All right, taking bids. $500 for Ted Nipsey. Highest comment in the comments wins.

Yeah. Whoever has the highest rated comment in today's episode on YouTube will get the nuts. They'll get the nuts. Whoever is the highest in the comments. Like smoking a lot of pot. Whoever can write the statement that sounds the most like they're absolutely greened out of their mind. Gets Ted's nuts. Yeah, you get my nuts.

And I'm going to be sad to see him go. No, you won't. You said you'd give him up for $100,000. Yeah, it's pretty low. Yeah, that's fair. Possibly $100,000 if you were on bad times. Yeah. Because, I mean, who needs him? I mean, if what's his face? If Armstrong, whatever, can get all doped up and win a bunch of Tour de France's, one ball.

I mean, imagine what I can do with none. That's true. I could bike to the moon. Honestly, some of the greatest men in history were nutless. Or had one nut. Hitler was not a good man, Schlatt. I'd say the less nuts you have, the more power you got. Let's substitute the word

greatest with most powerful. Because I just realized Hitler had one nut. Hitler had one nut? Yeah, Hitler had one nut and Napoleon also had one, I think. Hitler had no bitches.ler had one nut hitler had one nut yeah hitler had one nut and napoleon also had one i think hitler had no bitches hitler had one bitch that he killed his dog he killed his dog i don't know i would know he gave his wife a suicide pill and he was in the bunker with her and they were getting stormed by, I think it was the British at that point.

I'm not sure. I thought they put a shot in the dog. Didn't they put the dog down? No, I'm not sure about that. I didn't know. I don't know about any dogs. Okay. What, do you think they're going to put the dog on trial?

Dogs don't speak English It's impossible They don't speak German either Brian spoke English The Shepherds do Have you watched Family Guy? Who spoke English? Brian

That's true He did speak English And that one tan dog for like a season. Vinny? Vinny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hitler killed his dog. I just looked it up.

He gave cyanide capsules to his dog. What? Yeah. That's the worst kind of thing to give to a dog. Why do you even give that to a dog? That fucking kills the dog. Problematic. You don't even need the dog to die what's he gonna do

yeah that's so true it's not like the dog knows that the dog is a nazi yeah the dog has no idea he just he just knows hitler gives him food and that he loves him for it shakes the bag of trees it was a german dog is like it was a german chef yeah of course it was a german shepherd yeah that lines up yeah pretty thematic german fucking and then hitler cut his nuts off yep racist fucking Racist fucking German shepherd. Yo, can we agree, fuck Hitler? Agreed. Agreed with that. Yeah, let's try not to agree.

Based. Based as hell. Bit of an anti-Semite. I was scared to say something, but Hitler bad. You were scared to say something? I was nervous to say that. I thought a lot of people would be like... Why were you nervous to say that? No no just because it's a very controversial standpoint yeah we'll

get into hot water for saying that these days it's brave with with who charlie kirk who's charlie kirk i don't know who charlie kirk is i guess i don't know charlie kirk is oh that's the guy with the with the small face Kirk is? Oh that's the guy with the small face That's the guy with the really small face And the Proclivity for Sucking off Abraham Lincoln Did he have two balls?

He probably has one Why? No he's definitely got three, dude. How many balls does Abraham Lincoln have? He had two balls. Wait, so if a conjoined twin had two sets of balls, would that be the most amount of balls anyone's ever had? No, because it's two people.

No, they're stuck together. Sure, it's one ball. No, it's two different people, man. They're like a spider. They have one head. This guy from Asia has 63,000 balls. What? Balls shit.

So, I've looked it up. There have been six cases ever, or seven cases ever, of people with four testicles. No way. Six? Yes way. Yes shot. Prove it. Six times four?

24 balls. 24 balls. What? Minus three. Wait. Minus three. A lot of balls. 24 balls 24 balls minus 3 a lot of balls and it's I wonder

is that the weakest person based on our less balls you have stronger you are true they're probably very weak we could take them out easily I feel like though you'd have to have a certain if I could tell

God willing that someone had four balls that's probably the first person I'd go after with my crowbar I feel like though you'd probably have to have a certain level of strength to like live with that you know because there are people with a

crowbar coming after them all the time wait so they have to defend themselves hold the fucking phone that's why lance armstrong was so good because if he has one ball he doesn't he has to worry 50 less about sitting on a bicycle seat oh that's pretty smart that's true there's only one ball to be uncomfortable yeah there's only one ball to be uncomfortable on the seat. Yeah, there's only one ball that you can accidentally sit on. So two times less likely to be sitting on your balls. Do you sit on your balls a lot? Does that happen to you?

I've heard that it's a thing. I'm sort of an expert when it comes to the sitting on bicycle seats and avoiding the balls. But, I mean, it can happen. I'm sure it can. I think people are making it up. They're making it up. You think it's not even an issue? I've never sat on my balls like that.

My balls are so big, I sit on them every time I sit down. Your hubris will be your downfall. Your hubris will be your downfall. You ever heard of Icarus? Exactly. The binding effect. on my balls every time. Your hubris will be your downfall. You ever heard of Icarus? Exactly. The sun's looking pretty good right now. If I'm being honest.

His balls were too heavy. That's the real reason he fell into the ocean. God, have we broken a panda's kneecaps yet? Mika, you're on my ass when you should be on my balls. Sorry. Let me hold on. Just pulling out my microscope. I'm pulling out my balls. Oh my god, no!

Zinger! Wow. Wow. I'm glad I was here to witness that. Why are your balls so tiny? Panda? He's asking. Panda?

Sounds like a little goblin. Yeah, I just put him away. He's not supposed to talk. Wait, was he the one talking, or was it you? Whose balls were we looking at? I put him away, Astro. supposed to talk. Wait, was he the one talking, or was it you? Whose balls were we looking at? I put him away, Astro. I want to move on. Okay. What?

I heard him again. I'm a little lost here. Give me the goblin. Show me their balls. You don't want to see the goblin. I want to know whose balls I was looking at. Is the goblin in the room with us right now, Panda?

No, he's gone. He is gone for good. Okay. Does he ever talk to you? Do you hear him? No. No. Okay. Does the goblin tell you to do bad things to your balls? Yes. No? Yes.

No. Yes. The voice says, hurt, kill, burn, destroy. Ted, can we know your political standpoints on things? Yeah. Yeah, man. Are you a socialist? Yeah, but in the sense that like

in the sense that i'm rich yeah in the sense that like i want it for other people but not myself you can be rich and be a socialist it's okay um i don't i'm so proud of you man thank you

nice job man the way I see it Ted you have two choices you are on a 747 or you are on an Airbus they're both going down which one do you choose and why 747 because you are on an Airbus. They're both going down. Which one do you choose and why?

747. Because. I mean, surely, yeah, surely you have a good reason why you choose the 747 instead of the Airbus. Well, if I could figure out in those moments how, if I could figure out how DB Cooper got away, because he, I'm pretty sure that he hijacked a 747. Yeah, Boeing 747. He's a guy who hijacked a 747 and he got away because he, I'm pretty sure that he hijacked a 747. Yeah, Boeing 747. He's a guy who hijacked a 747 and he got away.

Actually, it was a Boeing 727. All right. Yeah. Fuck off. You're just wrong. Everything you're saying is wrong. God, give me a parachute. You are a liar.

I'm looking to jump out of that airplane. You are a gaslighting gatekeeping girl boss. I wish I was a gatekeeping girl boss because maybe I would know how to jump out of an airplane because that's what a girl boss would do. Okay. So true. So true. Good answer, Ted. of uh db cooper but because um airbus is is a fucking european stupid ass conglomerate and boeing is real steel american heartland it's true airplanes and also they make so many 747s

the 747 is like the most popular aircraft of all time i mean if there's one that's going to be tested then that's going to be that one it'd be a drop in the bucket in aircraft of all time. If there's one that's going to be tested, then it's going to be that one. It'd be a drop in the bucket. Right now, I'm worried about the damage to Boeing more than anything. I don't want that American company to be... It would be the airline's

problem at that point because Boeing has already made the sale. Thankfully, I don't think JetBlue even flies 747 so thank thankfully our uh patron saint jet blue would not even be losing any money i love shout out to jet shout out jet blue now with 7-11 on all available flights we're a jet blue podcast ted um we had this great idea of making burgers on the JetBlue flight. Hey, that was Mika's idea, all right?

You got to credit him. That was Mika's idea. You got to credit him. That sounds like a really good idea. Thank you. It was Mika's idea. He wanted to make burgers. We have to ask you this as our guest.

What type of burger? Can you explain to me what the ideal burger is? Yeah, we got some patty. We've got some tomato, some cheese. Some whole tomatoes? Not even sliced? The whole tomato. Some pickles, some cheese.

None of this is sliced. It's a very like... It's an abstract burger. Slice it yourself. Exactly. It's an abstract burger. It's a very holistic approach. Yeah. And then we sandwich it between two loaves um and what we do is we wrap it up and we shoot it

out of the plane to people below and there's what they're supposed to do is they have to open their mouths and catch the burger with their with their mouths what do you think i think that that's it sounds like a really fun event it could be you know it could probably uh be probably the same level of event as as uh when they launch those beautiful balloons in albuquerque you know except that it's like the grand big sandwich, big burger catch, big burger kids, like an eating competition. But it's also like a sort of survival contest because, I mean, it depends on what sort of loaf. I mean, if you've got like a couple day old baguette coming at you from the sky, I mean, that's going to do some damage.

I think it would be a brioche. A brioche? Wow, that's some expensive bread you're talking right now. A brioche is good. Loaf of brioche. That's expensive. Yeah, that's expensive. But that's the JetBlue experience, you know?

Yep, JetBlue. JetBlue. JetBlue. I did mint once on JetBlue. Oh, yeah, I've done mint. I've done mint. And I got a lobster roll 30,000 feet in the air, and I, oh, God god the pods that they give you

oh my goodness there i was very nice i think the older jet blue planes are better because they they changed them in a little bit on the newer planes where it's like they've got more mint seats now but there's like this one row that you can choose where it's like you've got the whole fucking row to yourself oh yeah it's the solo yeah the solo row the solo row that you can choose where it's like you've got the whole fucking row to yourself. Oh, yeah. It's the solo. Yeah, the solo row. The solo row? That's the one you got to go on. And the thing is, too, they just kept bringing me drinks. Like, they showed up, like, the moment I finished my drink, and they said, you want another one?

So, like, I got off that flight, like, seven drinks in. That's fun. That is a fun experience. I walked off the flight, like, unsure if I was going to be able to properly get all my shit to leave the airport and get home. Because I was fucking wasted. Because I was having like, I had like seven whiskey sours over like, yeah. And I started, it was like half the flight I started drinking. So it was like seven whiskey sours over like two and a half hours.

I'm sorry, is United Airlines going to do that to you? No, they won't. I think that they're going to skip out on you. First of all, they're going to delay the flight. Then they're going to bend you over and fuck you. Fuck United Airlines. That's the first class experience. I mean, the flight attendant straight up pulls you out of your chair and she's big. she rips you right out she picks you up she's like an amazon lays you down right on the floor

right in everybody's view and pulls your pants down and starts fucking you in the ass she's wearing a strap and she says oh yeah she does you want that you want that experience i wouldn't wait wait did we hold on did we have the same experience in first class i guess we did wow must be customary wait schlatt you're a a mosaic a mosaic member i'm mosaic too but now i'm hearing that you tried united first class you gave them that money? Well, I had to give them a try. I had to give them a try, and I got bent over.

This big flight attendant lady comes over, unbuckles me, and I'm like, okay. And then she picks me up, puts me down in the aisle, kicks me over, pulls my pants down, and fucks me. This sounds like a fantasy of yours, Shlatt. I'm going to be honest. This sounds like a very specific yours, Shalette. I'm going to be honest. This sounds like a very specific fantasy. I mean, maybe on JetBlue it would be a fantasy. And everybody was watching. And everybody was watching. And I felt so terrible.

And laughing and pointing. Yeah. And laughing and pointing. I felt so humiliated. So you have a shame king. No, I'm just saying. That's what I mean. No.

In July, he'll have a shame king. What he'll have a shame king what is that supposed to mean what is that that means something yeah what what the hell said in a couple weeks do you know something are you making a veiled threat no i'm gonna see schlatt in july no you get my shame what the fuck man and what do they do on alaskan airlines they chop your balls off they just chop them up they just chop a bear flying the plane on alaskan airlines a bear fucks you you get fucked by a bear there's not a roof on those planes there's a bit of a bestiality and then and then they bring out an actual bear well that's what they do because in the coronavirus they they were having trouble filling seats so what alaska airlines was doing was that they were actually transporting like

circus animals with there's a lot of bears a lot of bears kodiak bears grizzly bears black bears they come out of alaska so they were sending those around to various um circuses in the united states because circuses were the circuses stayed open yeah they stayed open because they don't give a shit about coronavirus they don't get a shit about their animals they're fucking whipping lions yeah so why do you think you care they're gonna care about you know. Exactly. I can't bear it. I can't bear it. Yeah. Do you think a bear would be a good passenger neighbor on an airline? I feel like, depends on how the bear is feeling. Because you don't really have a choice on how the bear acts.

A bear is probably the most free. Bear is a true American. Yeah, bears are free. What type of bear? They're free. Could you take a bear, Ted? One-on-one? No.

There's no fucking way I could take a bear. A grizzly bear? I think you could do it. I think you could do it. Are you out of your mind? No, you could handle it, man. You're out of your fucking mind. No, Sean.

Once we cut those testicles off, you can do anything. No, not even with the testicles, because then the bear would take the shaft with it, too. Are you kidding me? Okay, we'd take the shaft, too. That's what we didn't think about. If you take the balls and the penis. I think you have a child's understanding of how large a grizzly bear is. That is a DBZ moment right there.

You're basically Goku. A grizzly bear is quite literally a monster. It is a monster walking on this planet. And if you saw one of those things stand up and then come running at you at 30 miles per hour, you're going to shit your pants and your balls are going to fall off on their own accord. Okay? And that's where I go super saiyan.

But what if he did the thing where you have to raise your hands and you're like, oh, I'm big. You're going to die. You're going to be dead. I'm going to chop my balls off and I'm going to win. It's going to slit your throat with a single talon of its own. I will teleport behind it. It's going to bite into your neck and rip out your esophagus

and start eating your stomach, dude. It doesn't fucking care. It's a bear. What if you offer it honey? What if you offer it honey? And it goes, oh, thank you. It doesn't. I could barter. I could barter with it. If it's wearing a quadruple XL red t-shirt, then maybe you might have a shot.

But in any other situation, it's going to kill you. Okay, wise guy. Well, what about in the Revenant when... You call me a wise guy? You're challenging a grizzly bear. Leonardo DiCaprio beat the bear. Fuck you. He won against the bear.

Leonardo DiCaprio beat the bear. He literally won against the bear. Do you see that scene, though? Yeah. He had against the bear. Leonardo DiCaprio beat the bear. He literally won against the bear. Do you see that scene, though? Yeah. He had a gun, though. He almost... But... He had a gun and he still got a shit drop.

That was with two testicles. That was with two testicles. Imagine if he had zero. Dude was tossing him around like he was a chew toy. He would have been quick scoping if he had no testicles. It would have been that easy. I feel like if there's any airline that's going to let you on with a gun, it's Alaska Airlines. Yeah.

Yeah, that is true. That is true. Or Spirit. Or Spirit. It's funny that you say that bears are free. Because if you wanted a bear, you can really just take one. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, that is another way to interpret the sentence that bears are free. Bears aren't that free. I mean, if you avoid the conservationalist hacks that are ruining this country. Exactly. If you're one of my politics, you know know i think conservationalism is a total scam let the earth burn of course we call that a bear market um yeah yeah but you could also get you could also get squirrels and wait say say that again squirrels squirrels are definitely grabbable like you could grab a squirrel grab a fucking squirrel you would lose to a squirrel you would lose to a fucking squirrel ted fuck you what are you talking opinions that are you would lose to a squirrel

you would lose to a squirrel ted no yeah you would fucking yeah you would lose to a squirrel if you're not gonna cut off your testicles man you can't even take a squirrel squirrels love nuts i've got so far i've got like maybe a a three zero kitty ratio you have too many testicles you are not capable of anything uh that's maybe true i can't really argue with that but um i'm thinking that like if i've got i've got real strong hands and schlatt knows this firsthand ted has strong hands he's got good grip strength um and if you put a squirrel in my in within my reach i'm grabbing it and that thing is popping like a Looney Tunes character okay and I'm not joking

wow that gave me chills I'm hard you could also get birds you could get coyotes coyotes? coyotes? what a weird thing to choose to mispronounce coyotes i've heard people calling it a coyote before like what where are they from where are they from

i don't i don't know like canada i'm assuming canadia no they're like american alaska alaska you know what you know one opinion i have on canada i'd like to see them try that's all right you know try doing what i'd like to see them just try for once in their whole history just try just come on just try come on just try it just just try it just try it come at us we got you on both sides dude that's funny canada like beat america in the war of 1812 though justin trudeau is an absolute just try just didn't we let them your name's justin dude come on just fuck justin justin's leading my country yeah justin god this is why we got joe no he's awful he's awful too joe biden wait who would win in a fight joe biden have you seen some of this shit about jo Joe Biden? He is such a sassy motherfucker.

He, like, there was this one time that I saw this video when he was eating ice cream. And people were like, what are you eating? He's like, chocolate, chocolate chip. And they're like, what do you feel about the people who, like, pray for your downfall or some bullshit? Like, the complete inappropriate ice cream question. And he just says, eat more chocolate, chocolate chip.

And that was his answer. The dude does not give a fuck. I love how I don't see any clips of Joe Biden anywhere because it would be too embarrassing to air them. Yeah. But I mean, I love how my president can't say things. But I mean, again, though, Schlatt. Better than Justin.

Better than a Justin. Look at Justin. Yeah. but i mean again though schlatt better than justin better than just look at justin yeah and i could just see joe biden look justin right in the eye and say like just come on dude just try just as he's looking as he's licking his you and all your little shitty opinions come over here chocolate chip come over here with your you with your fucking guys in in in red flannels on horses and your stupid fucking hats just try one try it come on man it would be funny that's like me standing on the edge of a fucking stage on smash with my younger cousin just try dude you're getting thrown off and beat you would beat your younger cousin no in smash eat off your younger cousin would beat your younger cousin?

No, in Smash. You'd eat off your younger cousin? You would smash your fuck, Ted? You would smash your cousin? You smashed your younger cousin? Surely you understand I speak of a video game in Smash Brothers Brawl or Ultimate if I so choose. Maybe this is why Canada doesn't want to try, Ted.

Because America is filled with people who would beat their younger cousins. But think about this. Even more so than Canada, like Mexico? Come on. Just try. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. Just dip your toe in.

See what happens, Mexico. And if we're feeling even spicier, Canada, Mexico, pincer attack, maybe. I'd like to turn the north and south of the Americas into an absolute nuclear wasteland. That's what I'm hoping. You are a fascist. What? You're a fascist. What do you mean?

Yeah. What? Yep. What? Don't say that. You are. You are. No. Wow. You are. You are an imperialist. What? Yeah. What? Yep. What? Don't say that. You are. You are. No.

What? You are. You are an imperialist. No, no, no. God. What's wrong with like a fascist? Northern America, Southern America, just try. Okay.

Hear me out. What if America was a 747? Ooh. Hmm? How about that? Wow. Yeah, I can see that. Now, hmm.

No, no, actually. No, fuck you. What? Fuck you. Come on. No, think about it more. Hey, hey, hey. Think about it more. Guys, guys. No. Fuck you. What? Fuck you. Come on. No. Think about it more. Think about it more.

Guys, guys. Think about it more. I changed my mind. It could work. Think about it. No. Don't tell me you're going to pick the Airbus. Are you going to pick the Airbus, Ted? No.

I'm picking the Airbus. I'm picking a big plane. And you know what that plane I'm choosing is? A C-130. Ooh. Ooh. That's American. Ooh. Ooh. That's America's big deal, right? Big cargo plane.

Northrop Grumman bullshit. Holds a lot. Ooh. Holds a lot. Can carry people too, but mostly it's big and it's fat. Benefits the economy. Benefits the economy. Helps everyone.

Moves troops very quickly. Hurts no one quickly across anywhere. And if you want, open it up. We're dropping in, boys. It's war zone. You're a freak. I like when the economy does well. That's my answer.

Or a fighter jet. Chocolate chocolate chip. Chocolate chocolate chip fighter jet. Chocolate chocolate chip. Chocolate chocolate chip fighter jet. You know what was a huge disappointment? There were not enough planes at E3. True. The only plane we got was presumably Breath of the Wild 2. Because Link was jumping out of that thing.

Why can't Forza just make a plane game? They should. No, but actually. Link was jumping out of that thing. Why can't Forza just make a plane game? They do cars every year. Switch it up, Forza. They really do do cars all the time. It gets a little boring. It's a little bit of an obsession. We get mad at Call of Duty

for doing the same thing every year. Let's look at Forza for a second. Just take a hard look at Forza and be like, are you, okay, oh, so you're a car guy? Okay. Yeah. Oh, you do cars. Oh, oh, you like to drive.

That's cute. How about try to fly in the air, asshole? Exactly. Ted, you've been thinking what's been on my mind. I mean, you just said it. You just really said it, and I respect that. Yeah, I don't know what's my problem with this podcast.

Yeah, I don't either, but I sure wish we'd stop. Yeah? Yeah, this thing needs to stop. Yeah. Before we go, let's cut off ted's nuts yeah we're cutting off ted's nuts let's finally get that cut them off it's been here we go i still think it should go i'm holding the right one i got the left one okay continue supple i'll hold

his arms down that is a juicy one yeah i'm glad i got this one thanks for this podcast no problem going i'm not letting it okay i'm not letting it stop. Okay, a panda. Panda. I'm not letting it stop. No, start cutting. Who's got the knife? Panda has it in his hand. Start cutting.

I refuse. No, I refuse. Start sawing. Cut his fucking nuts off. This is going to happen. I'm letting this happen. Cut it off. The people need to hear this.

I'm going to start chewing. People need to hear this. If you don't cut, do it a panda. Cut it. Cut it. Ted, why are you? Oh, he's enjoying this. He likes it. I'm tugging it harder.

It's a meat. What? He turned into Mario. Mario has no nuts. Not yet. He doesn't have nuts. Wait, really? Have you seen... Do you see how tight those pants are?

He's talking. He's talking. Moose knuckle. Can we just cut this guy's nuts off? Cut his nuts off. A panda. I'd like to see a realistic Mario artistic rendition with a moose knuckle,

please. Yeah, I'd like to see that as well. And that better be the first fan art we see on the next episode of the Sleep Departure Podcast. I'm chewing your balls off. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. It sounds like yum, yum, yum. Hey, Ted. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for coming, Ted.

Can I have some? Bah. Bah. Bah. Say it, Ted. Oh, my. Bah. Say it, Ted. Oh my fucking god. Baba Booey. Ted said Booey. Ted said Booey. You're supposed to say Booey, Ted.

Ted, what have you done? Booey too. Oh no. Oh my god. Oh god. Well, we're killing you off next episode. Yeah. Baba Booey.