Sleep Deprived Podcast - Sleep Deprived Podcast #42

Episode Date: November 14, 2021

the boys talk about airplanes for 35 minutes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The data is in. The facts are in. We've crunched all the numbers. We've dotted all our I's. We've crossed all our T's. We've sucked all the dicks in the room. Fact check. We've come to the declusion that...

I don't know why I said that. I was just thinking about something else. You're a little preoccupied is what you're saying. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to sleep deprived podcast episode 42 why is no one clapping with me yeah yeah hi everyone yeah yeah we're here we're here it's the 42nd episode which means we're about to tell you the meaning of life oh shit uh would you like to go first tell you the meaning of life. Would you like to go first,

Panda? The meaning of life is getting sick. Oh. That's terrible. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? What's wrong

with you? I think he's losing his hearing. I think that's his sickness. He's losing his hearing wait am i am i robot what hey hold up oh my god he's going insane a panda are you gonna be all right he told us he was what what the fuck oh my god he's gone mental he said he was doing some off-screen mining, so... Wow. Hello? Oh my god, he's truly going crazy.

Do you need a band-aid? Dude, I... You guys sound like robots. Well, he's truly lost. Yeah, I think we lost him. There's no hope. How about you guys? What is the meaning of life shit come and die hello hey man hey a panda we were just talking about the meaning of life dude i am dude you guys sound like a robot.

You know, if you think about it, we're all kind of robots. Dude, you keep cutting in and out. You're like, you sound like an Undertale character. We need to get this guy to a hospital. If you think about it, life does a lot of cutting in and out. What the fuck? How do I fix this? What the hell? Look, it's going to take time, man what the hell look it's gonna take time man

look it's gonna take time i can't hear you i don't understand what you're saying you can't just stay calm just stay calm that we're gonna bring you to the hospital if you keep freaking out it's gonna make it worse it's gonna make it worse hold schlatt's hand hold schlatt's hand hold schlatt's hand hold schlatt's hand it's gonna be okay we're gonna bring you to the hospital dude what the fuck are you guys supposed to be it's just chill out man okay it's gonna be

okay wait wait wait call 911 i can hear you though i can actually hear you i'm dialing 911 no i hear it it's gonna be just relax. Just let it happen. Here they come.

He's calling them right now. No, I can hear you. I'm good. I'm good. I can hear you guys. No, it's... See, Astro said no, bring him in, and then Mika's like... Hello, this is 911.

What's your emergency? No, that's not fucking 911. That's not 911. That's not 911. That's not 911. Oh, okay. What the hell? Wait, is this... Hello, this is 911.

What's your emergency? Oh my god. Whoa, who's that? What's your number? 911. Thanks for writing that down. What's your emergency I'm gonna call you this weekend

my emergency is that this holiday season I'm giving thanks to our friends at Manscaped what already it's like a minute in we haven't even talked about the meaning of life yet nope I'm giving thanks to our friends at Manscaped

the meaning of life is Manscaped. All right, Manscaped, what's up? Here we go. Gentlemen, welcome back to another Manscaped ad. They're our premier sponsorship for the podcast. Four minutes left. Oh, Jesus. This holiday season, I'm giving thanks to our friends at Manscaped.

Do I tell my extended family that i have the performance package 4.0 uh not to mention it includes manscaped's lawnmower 4.0 trimmer to tame my bush and score brownie points with the in-laws i want to tell that to mom and dad yeah hey mom i'm scoring uh points with my in-laws by uh by trimming my balls this holiday season with the lawnmower 4.0 your in-laws would like to hear nothing more than to hear about how you use Manscaped products. Hey mom, join the 4 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped.

Today I told my, today I told my distant relatives that I trim my balls with, with this. I think I had, I haven't talked to my dad in seven years, but I decided to call him up today and tell him that he can save 20% off and free shipping. There's nothing like bringing

the estranged family together. Like the power of manscaped grooming. If you buy this, you'll get their trimmer, you'll get their weed whacker for ear and nose hair. You'll get a crop preserver ball deodorant, crop reviver ball toner, which I spray all over my hot body.

You'll get boxer briefs and a travel bag to hold your goodies. Boxer briefs? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, they're doing boxer briefs now. Yeah, Panda needs some of those. And a travel bag to hold your goodies. Boxer briefs? Oh yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, they're doing boxer briefs now. Yeah, Panda needs some of those. And a travel bag to hold your goodies. Think of it... Guys, you're interrupting me when

the biggest zinger of the century is in the script next. We're so sorry. Think of it as a cornucopia for your balls. Oh my god. It's not the same as pumpkin. It's not carving your pumpkin. Yeah, this is lame. This is lame. You know, we made fun of the other

ones, but they... It was content, at least. This is just a boring old ad. Cornucopia? Cornucopia? Who the hell cares? Use... Get 20% off and free shipping with code SLEEPDEPRIVED. One word. Yeah.

At Manscaped.com. Yeah. Oh, wow. Is that what's been on your mind? Yeah, that's why I've been so upset and detached recently. Wait, so what happened? Nothing. They all went to zero. I have no money left. Like your bricks? No, my bricks are the only sound investment I've ever made. So wait, what other NFTs have you...

Oh, the ones I've been investing in behind the scenes that no one knows about. Is it the monkey? I bought a bathing ape, a bored ape yacht club for 63 Ethereum and he's got these gummy teeth.

Oh no. And how's that one looking? Terrible because some dumbass Minecraft stam got mad at me. And he was like, oh, you didn't pay me. And I was like, fuck you. Oh, my God. Slav, you been doing gambling streams recently? Mm-hmm.

Well, look, man, hold on to that baby for another 30 to 50 years, and maybe it'll go up. True. True. Hey, Mika. Yeah? Remember how we were talking about the soggy biscuit or whatever? We're gonna move on. So, Schlatt, did you figure out

anything more about the meaning of life when you got scammed out of your NFT? Yeah, I realized I shouldn't be buying NFTs anymore. Okay, but what's the meaning of life? The meaning of life? Yeah. What do you mean? I just haven't been finding too much meaning in it recently, to be honest.

Oh. It's kind of a mood. Yeah yeah i'm sorry to hear that do you want to talk about it here no mika yeah remember when i was we were talking about the soggy biscuit the last episode what about do you remember that what about it well i i found the next best thing have you heard about the big little furcon hallway cum pizza incident what the fuck what what you haven't heard about the big little furcon hallway cum pizza incident what are you saying little furcon hallway cum pizza incident so that, they left out a cheese pizza in the hallway, 19 furries ejaculated on it, and then it sat there for three hours.

I'd eat it. Yeah, I was just thinking, nobody ate that? That's free food. So what do you think about that, Mika? Well, um... I think it's pretty vile. Is that your fursoda talk?

No, that was a... That was a Jordan Peterson impression. Appana, what are you playing with back there, man? I told you I spit... I don't have any tissues with me and i had a lot of phlegm and i spit it on a piece of paper and then i i crumpled what are you doing with it

oh i'm crumpling it so i can throw it away later later yeah i'm recording how much i know about you and how you collect your goddamn toenails and put them in a tic-tac box i don't want to know what you do with that shit dude it's like earth's Earth's gum. You've ever think about that? It is not like gum. Astro, can you chew it? Like phlegm? Yes.

It doesn't have the same consistency. It just breaks apart. But it has more flavor. It does have good flavor sometimes. Thank you. Exactly. That's what i'm saying everyone's like no it's fucking nasty and disgusting as fuck well there's no there's no doubting it's nasty and disgusting as fuck but sometimes you're in the right mood in the right what kind of mood you have to be in like a sick gross mood you just feel gross. Like a sick, gross mood

where you just feel sick. You're vile. You're vile. What is the flavor of phlegm? Oh, man. It's kind of salty. Warm. And sweet.

It's like salty and sweet. It's kind of like a sour patch. It is not sweet. It is. It is not sweet. Dude, that's because you never eat meat. Is that why? I don't know.

Mika, how does your phlegm taste? I mean, probably pretty similar. Why don't you cough some up for us right now? You know, I don't think I want to cough directly into the mic and, you know, perhaps make some viewers uncomfortable with hearing ASMR coughing. You just don't want to get the mic sick. Yeah, because I'm already illing. Whoa. Bars?

Yeah, and now I'm straight chilling. Oh, bars. Whoa. Bars? Yeah. And now I'm straight chilling. Oh, bars. Yeah. I'm out here like a villain. Oh. Yeah. I want to eat some Thanksgiving fillin'.

Oh. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Keep going. Okay. shit. Keep going. I'm on fire. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let me think. Fill in.

Yes. Filling. Okay. I'm out here. That Manscaped performance package, I'd be shilling. Oh. Your mom, I'd be drillin'! Oh, whoa!

Okay, all right, buddy. And I got the razor. It is drippin'. Drippin'? Your family, I'd be killin'? Because it's waterproof. Exactly. Because it's waterproof.

Your grandparents, I'd be choppin' up and grillin'? The good deals at Manscaped may be dealing. I'm eliminating society like Dragon Ball Z Krillin? You're getting a little weird. These verses I don't... I'm a little concerned. Selling your organs on PayPal

and you send me the bill in? What? Call that organ dylan i feel good about that one that was a pretty good one but can we also go through uh perhaps a a screener to find out if you're a sociopath yeah ask me a question okay let me pull up a sociopath screener here okay all right do you repeatedly lie to or trick others for your own gain or pleasure yes okay do you act impulsively yes so would you say always i'm gonna kill you uh okay do you fail to plan ahead

yes okay do you consistently fail to fulfill work obligations sorry guys i have to go oh well uh at the road the uh the data is in and did i pass hey You passed all right. Yeah. You aced this test, dude. Yeah, you can put the body in there.

Yeah, right in the oven. All right, what did I get? 100? You got 100%, yeah. Awesome. Sweet. Yeah. This is the best day of my life.

I got an A on my Hypotitis test Hype Speaking of Hypotitis Did you hear that Squid Game is getting a season 2 What does that have to do with hepatitis Mika Cause it's hype-o-titis

Yeah like hypotitis I'm gonna start saying that. That's hypothetis. You've never heard of hypothetis? Schlatt, you've heard of hypothetis. Yeah, it's when you play too much Fortnite and fuck too much pussy. Sounds like a Twitch streamer. Yeah, you get that on the battle bus.

Exactly. I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. Why? What's happening? This world is just too much for me. Is it because of 42? Yeah.

Genuinely, do you want to talk about it? No. No, definitely not. Okay. you want to like talk about it because we no no definitely not okay it's just you you're you've been saying a lot you know these statements that might that are concerning and that might warrant some like discussion no no i don't know no look schlatt we care about you, we care about you, man No Yeah? Yeah, we do We do There's no pressure Or anything like that

Ah! Oh my What happened? Fuck I'm walking I'm walking You're walking? You're walking right now?

I'm gonna walk Okay What are you gonna see? Explain your surroundings What do you going to see? Explain your surroundings. What do you see around you? Hallway. Anything nice in there? Cool?

No. Painting? No. Okay. Where are you now? Stairs. I might lose connection to the podcast. So, you know, I might lose connection. the podcast so I'm just

I might lose connection I'm walking around I'm on a big house anything else do you see? is there anybody there? no, nobody how about you just sit in the chair just take a fucking seat

you know when I feel really anxious and start having a breakdown, I like to look at my surroundings and ground myself by seeing what's around me. Oh, yeah, I bet. I like doing drugs. Copious amounts of illegal drugs. Do you have any cocaine around?

No, I don't do cocaine. That's good. Just a question. So, anything in front of you? Uh, cat. Let's go. Touch it. No, don't want to.

Wow. Well, Jambo's not gonna be happy about that. No, it's not. It's not Jambo? It's not Jambo. Wait, whose house are you in? Are you just in some random person's house? Dude. This is just like Fortnite.

This is just like Squid Game. This is just like Fortnite and Squid Game. Reminds me a lot of Minecraft, what's happening right now. Slenderman wanted the papers because he wanted to roll some weeds. Thanks, Appanda. That was very insightful. Questions to ask your best friends. Oh, dude.

Deep. Deep? Questions to ask your... Ready? I'm ready. How would you prefer to die hello hello hey where are you i'm back at my desk oh okay did you have a good walk yeah yeah i feel a little better now yeah yeah yeah I did have a good walk hey Shalette yeah what would you change in your life if you knew that there was a god. Bigger penis. Okay. This is just a firing round.

I'll just give you a couple of questions. You ready? Yeah. Do you remember any character-defining moments from your childhood? Spongebob. Good character. If dishes could be synthesized perfectly, do you think there'd still be any place for chefs? Oh, no.

How would you describe the feeling you get when you share your food with someone? Happy. Do you ever imagine yourself in a very negative but unlikely scenario? For example, in prison? Wait, in prison specifically? No, not in prison wait in prison specifically no not in prison okay if you have ever if you

had seen someone being robbed or assaulted what are the chances that you would intervene zero i'd be robbing them do you ever feel like a child yes if you've always been completely honest with someone and you had to lie to them to save their life, would you find it hard to do? No. I think he's regressed. He's gone back a few years.

Is there anything that's too serious to joke about? No. Yes. 9-11. 9-11 of course yes why'd you laugh at that i just think it's comical oh not the planes the situation not the not the planes the plane no nothing comical but asher the situation is the planes. The planes are just the entire situation. There's parts of it that can be... Oh, yo!

No, not the plane part. Not the plane part. Time out. I just got something in the mail. Some planes? No, no, no, no. I just opened this box. You're going to love this shit.

I'm going to send a photo of it right now. Yeah, yeah. What is it? Yeah, let's see it, man. I just opened this box. You're gonna love this shit. I'm gonna send a photo of it right now. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, let's see it, man. Took a photo. It's a concrete... It's a concrete... Easter Island head. And it's big, too.

It's fucking bigger than I thought it'd be. Heavy, heavy. You could probably kill someone with that. Yeah, can I borrow that? No. Not for killing. Why did you get an Easter Island head? Funny.

You can put your glasses on that. That's true. It's a good glasses holder. Or a fake mustache holder. Or a good kisser. True. You could practice on it. Or a good kisser. True. A good kisser. You could practice on it. He's got wide lips.

It might be a little uncomfortable, but I feel like with enough spit, it could probably work. There's enough circumference in that ear until you can start licking. Yeah, it turns back into clay. Wait, this can turn back into clay like it can melt? Yes.

Yes. Buildings can too. You should start licking it. Just start sucking on it right now. I'm sorry. Too soon? The fact that your Easter Island head

sculpture might turn back into clay at any moment kind of reminds me of, like, how fragile and delicate life is and how nothing is for certain. Like this gif me, too. Moist, please put the gif of the gummy worm doing a slam dunk into a basketball. That's not real. You made that up. That's not real. It is real. No, you made that's not real. You made that up. It is real. That's fake.

You guys are leaving the media once again. You definitely made that up, Panda. There's no question about it. You make everything up. You're just as much of a psycho as Astro is. I'm not a psycho. I'm a socio. I'm probably more than him. I'm a socio.

He got a degree in sociology. What about me? Yeah, what about Slat? What's he? I mean, I feel like for you we might need something a little more complex. I think I'm just depressed. Oh my god. Oh. It's like that one episode of Family Guy When uh Uh Brian and

Brian and Stewie Brian has a gun and he's like I'm gonna kill myself with this And Stewie's like what You're gonna kill yourself with a gun Brian Brian I love you don't do that And he's like well

Just if that day ever comes And he's like Brian you mean the world to me And then they hug So are you relating That family guy moment To this moment with shot right now No I just I feel like Brian Griffin in that one moment

If we were Family guy characters of Panda, which ones would we be? We have to do all of us. I so got this. Astro, you would be Lois.

Lois? Honestly, Mika, I think you'd be Stewie. I know that's kind of rash. What? No, no, no. Stewie's kind of fancy and he's smart. He's like, what the deuce? True. I could see Mika saying, what the deuce?

Yeah, say it, Mika. What the deuce? What the deuce? Astro, what would you be? Lois. I don't know, man. Why do I have to be fucking Lois? That's literally the most boring character in the show.

Peter! Peter! Peter! Can I be Peter? Let me be Peter. Okay, then that means I have to flirt with you. Wait, who would slap you? Peter! Who would slap you? That would be Brian.

He gets run over. Is it Vinny? Brian getting run over. Is it Vinny? Isn't Vinny from new york too or something hey what's up everybody oh why did they ever like intense family guy discourse why did they ever think to replace brian with Vinny? They should have done it with Meg.

They should have replaced Meg with Vinny. I still feel for the person who got that ripped Brian tattoo. I would argue that Meg is more vital to the show than Vinny ever was. Okay, buddy.

Okay, buddy. I kind of disagree go on you think you're real big right now huh Mika people realize the importance of that stupid dog Brian would you die for Vinny

no not would you I thought he liked Meg more why would he want to die for do you believe in God Meg was like the only normal one kinda

if you think about it no Meg fucking blows I think Chris kind of sucks even more true yeah not a fan of Chris. What about Peter? Peter's alpha, sigma. Any Chris that's watching this podcast,

you can go fuck yourself. There's a lot of Chris's watching this podcast. Chris would watch this podcast. Yeah, they're like, You think Chris... Fuck you, Chris. I'm fat and I masturbate. That's Chris.

Dad! Hey, Chris. That's Herbert the pervert. Oh, yeah. Which one of us is that? What else is there? Who would be Cleveland? What about Quagsire?

Yeah, Quagsire? Quagmire, Quagmire. What? That wasn't real. I thought that was a bit. Turns into a toilet, right? Quagsire get real man that's a pokemon quagsire turns into a toilet

what are you talking about dude that's him right there I'm really unhappy Okay dude You keep saying these things And like we're genuinely concerned I buy things when I'm unhappy

I have a bunch of things to unbox A little retail therapy What are some of the most recent things you've bought? Cement head. Good choice. Strong choice. Monkey balls. Yeah. Spent way too much on that, huh?

Maybe it would help to remind yourself that you kind of made history by getting the Monkey Ball statue, and, like, you know, you're now the proud owner of, like, a fine piece of art. That's very, like, commendable. Oh, oh, yeah. I think it's a good investment. Yeah. It'll be worth a lot.

Brought a lot of people a lot of joy. That's all I'm good for. No, why do you say that? I just bring joy. I'm like Santa. That's a pretty cool person to be I would, yeah You know what Santa isn't real

Maybe you don't see that right now, Panda Yeah, that's a little much We don't need to spoil that for 20,000 people Dude, wait till you hear about the tooth fairy Wait till you hear about the twist in Eternals Oh yeah Fucking shit I hated that movie so much Wait till you hear about the Tooth Fairy. Wait till you hear about the Twist and Eternals. Oh, yeah.

Fucking shit, I hated that movie so much. Why did you hate it? Such a bad movie. Well, first of all, I don't like superhero movies, so when I get dragged to a superhero movie, I'm never going to enter with an open mind. Yeah, same. Understandable. Okay, Astro.

What? I'm just, I agree with you. I hate superhero movies. You do? Yeah. Who's your least favorite superhero then, huh? Probably Iron Man. Really?

What? Yeah. I just think he's lame. He's just like a dude in a suit. He just has a lot of money. He's just a rich guy, yeah. Get a power. That's Batman, dude.

That's the shit Batman is. Yeah, but I also hate Batman. Wow. Same reason. Jeez. Hit me but I also hate Batman. Wow. Same reason. Jeez. Hit me up with some Spider-Man shit. Get yourself injected like the Hulk. I don't want to hear about it.

I just put on a suit. Good for you. Well, Astro, they take it upon themselves to become the power. They're not blessed with it through some spider or through some ability. They have to work for it, and they earn it. He just got a big loan from his dad. It's about power. They're not blessed with it through some spider or through some ability. They have to work for it and they earn it. They don't. He just got a big loan from his dad. He just got a loan from his dad. Batman stays hungry.

Batman devours. Exactly. We stay hungry, we devour. At least the Joker has a struggle. Batman, nah. That's true. Yeah. What about Aquaman?

Fuck Aquaman dude No he talks to the dolphins man He fucks the dolphins He could I mean dolphins probably would Oh the dolphins would definitely be They are pretty fucked up They'd be into it They use pufferfish as like Balls and they play toss with each other

That's not a bit. I watched videos of these killer whales. They go up to the shore. Like, it looks like they're beaching themselves. And they grab a seal. They grab a seal. They go back out into the ocean, and they smack it with their tail up into the air 200 feet. And just do it over and over again for, like, an hour.

Yeah, dolphins and those kind of whales seem pretty messed up in the head. They're like the chokers of the sea. Oh, that's fucking awesome! That's fucking awesome! What's awesome? It just broke. What broke?

It just broke. I'm trying to screw something in and it fucking shattered. It actually fucking shattered. This is my darkest hour. Is the Maui head okay? No, the cement head is fine. Well, you know, there's a positive there. The cement head is fucking fine. Shement.

Shement. Sperm. Shement. Sperm. Astro. I have a hypothetical. What would you do if you're a monkey in a cage at a zoo and everybody's laughing at you? Okay, I'd throw my poop.

No, Astro, I didn't finish. You're locked monkey in a cage at a zoo, and everybody's laughing at you. Okay, I throw my poop. No, Astro, I didn't finish. You're locked in the cage, and you feel no freedom. I'd fucking, next time the keeper comes in, I'd rip her face off. I'd eat it. Would you guys beat E.T. to death with a hammer? I feel like I would. Yeah, I would. I see that fucking thing, I'm beating it.

Oh, no. That movie made me cry. Really? Yeah, it's really cry. Really? Yeah, it's really sad. Why? Because, like, E.T. almost dies. It's not funny.

It's kind of funny. And then he goes home. Okay, what would you do if you... Wait, E.T. dies? No, he goes home. Okay, what would you do if you... Wait, E.T. dies? No, he almost dies. He almost dies. What would you do if you saw Wally rolling down the street? Would you kick him over? Yeah, I'd push him over.

You know, like, the... They'd kick him over. They'd push the robot over from Boston Dynamics and it has to get itself back up? That shit looks so sad. It's like it struggles. Would you fuck Eve? Fuck yeah.

From the Bible? You're talking about WALL-E. Oh yeah, Team C's. Team Bro's, yeah. Team Bro's. oh yeah team C's team bros team bros can we uh officially declare our uh can we just like throw up a team C's

fundraiser beside this video yeah right at the end of the title team C's fucking thing I don't know we are officially throwing our hat into the end of the title. This is a Team Seas fucking thing. I don't know. We are officially throwing our hat into the ring of Team Seas. Mr. Bruh is doing a great job at cleaning the ocean. And Mrs. Bruh.

Do you think Mr. Beast calls his girlfriend Mrs. Beast? Dude, that's exactly what Nobify said. He does. He does. I'm starting to really question my life. Mrs. Beast. Because three separate really close friends who are not in contact with each other all just sent me the Naruto Fortnite update. And now I think everyone in my life thinks very lowly of me.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying a little Naruto. There's nothing wrong with... I hate Naruto now. I hate Naruto. Are you telling me you're not going to enjoy the sexy jutsu in Fortnite? Kage Bunshin no jutsu. Kage Baba Booey no jutsu? Oh! Kage Booby no, wait, K? Oh! Kage boobie!

No, wait. Kage... Kage boobie! Kage... Bababooey. Bababooey. We hope this episode helped you identify the meaning of life.