Sleep Deprived Podcast - This Episode is VILE - SDP #121

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

the boys talk about airplanes for 30 minutes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

hey everybody welcome back to the sleep deprived podcast best podcast in the whole world better the best better than everything else that has ever existed better than every media intellectual property better than food better than marvel better than oppenheimer better than barbie better than pikmin 4 better than fucking donkey kong better than chainsaw man better than mario movie we're better than media better than all media episode 121 welcome back yeah when are we gonna get like our own netflix adaptation or like video game ad yeah we should we should try to get that before skibbity toilet does i think we've got like a good chance personally. I think we've got some lovable characters. We've got, you know, some good lore built up.

Yeah, we should. What are all of our characters and then who are the actors that would voice them? Like we have a lot of characters that are just actually celebrities. For example, Hillary Clinton. Like who are we going to get to play the Hillary? Should we get somebody to play the globule? Should the globule have like a little face on it and i think so yeah i think that would be good i think hillary clinton should be played by hillary and then the got the globule should be like timothy chalamet no dude he would ruin it he would remove all enthusiasm from the role

we need like a seth rogan to play that globule but or like a danny devito i want to be played by seth rogan you okay that's true i forgot people have to play us can i be played by christopher walken yeah i i could see christopher walken as a good thank you man yeah man who would uh Mika, you would be played by Timothee Chalamet. Are you serious? Yeah, I mean, you're hot, and that's it. Thanks. That's like the only thing about me, actually.

Yeah, it's the only thing I can think of. Yeah, no, fair enough. It's pretty funny, though, because I don't really care for Timothee Chalamet. Yeah, no no there's that new wonka movie and he's the the star of it he plays wonka and it's just a bad casting like you need like a goofy guy to play wonka like a real just oddball and timothy chalamet is just not giving that oddball performance he's just giving disney channel like zach efron energy it works in dune because it's like serious and boring but like yeah and in in wonka like he's just not silly

enough man listen up silly and something down scratch that reverse it bop it pull it smack it yeah timothy chalamet starts writing or start in the script it says like timothy chalamet then says bop it twist it pull it we need paul dano as willy wonka that would be sick i'm a dano head really well i'm a paul dano head dude there's so many cool things about willy wonka like did you know that uh apparently the guy what's his name gene wilder he only took the role i'm pretty sure everyone knows this at this point but he said he would only take the role if he could fake a limp when you first meet willie wonka for the first time so that you would never be able to like trust him or his intentions because like he does a limp and then he does a somersault so he's like that way you can never know if he's telling the truth

a real method actor yeah man you know uh ryan gosling method acted for barbie yeah that's really funny because because normally when method actors method act right it's always for like a role that's like really fucked up for example like you know a big one was like when jared leto was doing joker he was like you know method acting which is just an excuse for him to send bombs to people in the mail yeah like oh that's method acting i do that too yeah method acting when it's just an excuse to be a piece of shit to everybody on the cast but what's funny is ryan gosling is method acting but he's playing like a you know a very wholesome role so he's just been like acting very dumb and nice you know at press

outings and stuff yeah i mean honestly it works for him like he just seems super likable yeah he always looks like he has to shit though that's my big thing with ryan likable yeah he always looks like he has to though that's my big thing with ryan goss and he always looks constipated no i don't think so i think he probably cleared that up after embodying ken you think he figured out his constipation problems yeah he probably was like you know i'm gonna have some more fiber have some more water do something he always does that face though you know what i mean where he kind of squints I'm going to have some more fiber, have some more water, do some physical activity. He always does that fucking face, though, you know what I mean? Where he kind of squints his eyes.

I hate that shit, man. It just looks constipated. I'm a Ryan Reynolds guy. In a battle of the Ryans, I think Ryan Reynolds is hotter. Oof. I'm sorry. I'm going to hand away on this, man. I don't know shit about actors. Okay, Ryan Reynolds is the guy that plays Deadpool.

Oh, fuck that. I know, I know. We're not debating his role in movies. I'm just debating the attractiveness. Dude. I don't remember because in Deadpool his face was all fucked up. That's true. Honestly, just take the L here, Astro.

There is no way you're going to convince people that Ryan Reynolds is hotter than Ryan Gosling. Okay, hold on. What do you mean there is no way you're gonna convince people that ryan okay hold on what do you mean there's no way i'm gonna this has been an age-old debate there's like 50 million people that think ryan reynolds is hotter than ryan gosling there's absolutely no way i'm sorry but those there's a lot of people on my side they're not delusional let me google this some people like like a little spice ryan gosling is so boring he looks like an average man i'm sorry i'm sorry that is not true he is much hotter no ryan gosling he has character and charisma he has a very honestly i disagree i think ryan reynolds has way more charisma than ryan gosling and that might make hotter. You know who I think is hotter?

Who? Ryan Gosling. I gotta say. He's got a big face. He's got a cute face. You guys are boring. He's a cutie patootie. Boring. Dude, we're not boring. Dude, he looks so lovable. I'm not gonna lie. He is lovable. He looks like he has to take a shit. Dude, Ryan Reynolds is just

so over the top and annoying. What? No. He's annoying. He's annoying in Deadpool, but that's because anyone playing Deadpool would be annoying. Ryan Reynolds is hot. I'm right. Ryan Gosling looks so... You look like you could just grab his cheeks and be like...

He'd probably shit himself if you did that. No, he wouldn't, dude. He figured it out. Ryan Reynolds, dude, if you grabbed Ryan Reynolds' cheeks, he would, like, his head would, like, pop off. He would have, like, steam coming out. No, he would have a very funny remark ready to go. Something witty because he's witty, unlike Ryan Gosling. Boring.

What would he say, dude? Boring. Ryan Gosling, like, a fucking wall of wet gosling boring what would he say dude boring ryan gosling like a fucking wall of wet paint dude what would he say boring i don't know he'd be like he'd be like he would say ooh that's yeah that's witty compared to ryan gosling ryan gosling would just stare at you he would he would squint his eyebrows a little bit and he would just stare at you and then i'm deadpool did you know we're doing a podcast right now i'm self-aware i'm deadpool He would squint his eyebrows a little bit, and he would just stare at you. I'm Deadpool. Did you know we're doing a podcast right now? I'm Deadpool.

Whoa! I'm Deadpool. I'm Deadpool. I'm not debating the acting chops. I fucking hate Deadpool. Don't even get me started. Ryan Gosling is obviously the better actor, but Ryan Reynolds is hotter. I'm right.

Dude, if you want to even just going off of hotness, what was Ryan Reynolds is hotter. I'm right. Dude, if you want to even like, even just going off of hotness, you know, what was Ryan Reynolds in? He was in that rom-com with Sandra Bullock where they went to Alaska. What would, you know, it was like serviceable. It was fine, whatever. But what was Ryan Gosling in?

He was in The Notebook, dude. He has been a heartthrob for so long now. You could have put Ryan Reynolds in that movie. You could not. Okay, I haven't seen't seen the notebook so i don't know but i really don't think you could have put ryan reynolds in the notebook i'm sorry man but it's just it's just not even close for me i anyway um who do you guys want oh yeah who would play schlatt uh we need like a new yorker chuck norris danny devito no chuck norris is too old remember all those chuck norris memes that was fucking crazy man the kids these day they will know chuck norris was awesome do you think gen alpha even knows about chuck norris they don't

even get it man they don't get what we went through guys i have a serious question yeah to interrupt go for it where do you pee on the toilet because whenever i pee it just splashes back oh my god you're peeing right into the water i pee everywhere i pee on the side okay well the front the back in the water how is that happening are you just like moving your dick around like a roller coaster i think my theory is i'm just a very hard shitter or pisser i mean me too i mean i maintain that i think honestly i think if you set me up against 100 average humans with penises i would pee faster than like 99 genuinely do you do you think you could cut paper with it? Is what you're saying.

Maybe. I think I could. I think we should have a piss off. Have you ever tried pissing harder? I think that I tricked myself into doing that when I was a kid, and so now I just piss hard by default. Mika, do you piss hard? I mean, I don't try to go over the top or anything

Okay, but back to the question of you making a mess This seems like just a you problem like are you you're trying to have fun? It is a me problem You're trying to have prop like fun when you should just be aiming it in one like one like for me personally mean fun You're like splashing it all over the place. You're having like a piss party I'm intentionally not trying to it just always runs out of the bowl, the toilet bowl. How? I don't understand. I don't know!

I'm worried about you man. You got, there's a kink in your dick or something. You gotta get the kinks out. I don't know what to do. It's like a kinked hose. For me personally, I try to aim on the side of the toilet bowl so that the piss banks off the toilet bowl into the water so that you're not hitting the water directly. Because if you hit the water directly, then it splashes back up at you.

And obviously, you don't want to go too far to the right or left or up or down because then you hit the actual rim. So you try to go for the side of the toilet bowl. It banks into the water and then bam. Minimum splashage. Minimum mess. Minimum sound as well. It's a great sound dampening technique.

That's just the way to do it. What do you think? That's what I try to do because that's the most logistical, logical thing because why would you pee in the water? Some people do that. A glass of water into a big body of water is just going to make a bunch of splashes. But if it goes on the side, then it'll slowly go into the other side.

But it still does it. I don't know if I'm just a really aggressive pisser. Or because it's so long and powerful. It just creates so much energy. Actually, you know what it is? Because if it was longer and more powerful, it would have less distance to reach the bowl, therefore creating less splashage and mess. So what I think it is, is your dick is actually really small. You think I have a micro penis.

Yeah, because it's such a far distance that it's creating such a mess. You know, the chaotic nature of the longer distance, splashage. I think that, yeah, you have a really small dick. Well, here's the thing what if it's not that and the toilet is really far okay why though why is the toilet really far like is your bathroom weird what's wrong with your bathroom super because i'm super tall okay yeah i guess i didn't consider that so you're really tall and you have a small dick. Guys, no! I don't have a small dick!

Panda, why don't you try sitting down? That's a good point! I mean, sometimes, you know, it's nice to just sit down and pee. I only do that when I need to shit. Yeah, but Panda, it seems like it would really reduce your splashage issue. But that would require me, like, moving my knees, panda it seems like it would really reduce your splashage issue but that required me like moving my knees and i have to sit down and then and then your butt starts sweating on the toilet seat and then when you get up it sticks to your butt okay and it makes a loud noise that doesn't happen if

you're just sitting there for like 15 seconds while you pee like it would get sweaty if you're sitting there for a long shit or something but if you're just pissing you know like you just quick take a squat down but that's the thing though how do you know when your shit's done maybe it isn't done and if you force it you'll get hemorrhoids i'm talking about pissing i'm not talking about shitting i'm talking about pissing and shitting okay well what if you just need to piss that's what we're saying you could just sit down panda how much energy do you expend like cleaning up after you've made a mess lately i've been expending a lot of energy right so you can probably save a lot of energy if you just like sat down so that you could avoid the mess you know what i mean it seems to me like you're making this a lot harder than it has to be there's other ways to automate this this process. You could tape a big water jug to your dick.

And so anytime you have to piss, it just goes into there. And then, you know, whenever it fills up, you close it up and throw it away and get a new one. So you think I should start peeing in bottles? Basically, yeah. Because I don't know. I'm concerned for you. I don't think I can trust you with a toilet anymore. You don't want me around

a toilet. What about urinals? Like public urinals? Are you like creating maximum splashes there as well? If I had to use a urinal, I'd be butt-ass naked. That's the only way to do it. People would be seeing me cheeked up.

Dude, when I was in elementary school and i was in like third grade for some reason there was like this fad with like the first graders where they would like pee in the public urinals like ass naked and it sucked because he'd walk in there and it would just be a bunch of kids just like causing chaos i hated it i don't know why that became a fad dude elementary school bathrooms are crazy yeah people would be doing like trick shots people people would purposely clog shit yeah that's true that is true i remember one kid fucking tried to eat the fucking urinal cake. Ew.

What is a urinal cake? I don't know if they have that in Canadian urinals, but in American urinals, they put little urinal cakes in, and it's basically just like a pink, like, circular sort of, I don't know what it is, but it kind of creates like a fresh smell, I think, you know, so you don't just smell piss. And they put it in the urinal. So you can, like, grab it if you want to. And some kid smell piss and they put it in the urinal and so you can like grab it if you want to and some kid grabbed it and took a bite and i was oh i think we probably used to have those but now we have like these special pads yeah yeah your your bathroom sound pretty

tame by comparison there were like people throwing shit in mine. Like not literally, not literally, but they were throwing things. Wow. At people who needed to use the bathroom. Mika, is this what they did? They got the paper towels and they got them in the sink and then it became like a soluble substance and they just chucked it against the wall and then it stuck.

Yeah, there was some of that. But also sometimes people would just leave things in the sink. That sucks, man. Hey, everybody. DJ Mika back again to hit you with another Manscaped ad. Attention all my bearded beasts from stubble to mane. If you didn't already know, Manscaped now sells beard products. The leaders in below the waist grooming changed the game with their Beard Hedger Pro Kit.

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motor. If you're like me you know clean shaving is a hassle and the Handyman is the perfect compact tool that I can take with me on the go to achieve that clean-shaven look without all the effort. It's a pretty good product, pretty convenient, pretty handy, so get 20% off and free shipping with the code SLEEPDEPRIVED at MANSCAPED.COM. That's 20 20 off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code sleep deprived i remember this one time uh what no yeah i could go on this one time uh this was in high school but this kid went into the bathroom and then just like like emptied out the trash can on the floor and just like tossed the trash can over

and was he like pissed off or something uh i don't know what his deal was he like got a c on an algebra quiz and he's like fuck no he looked like he was laughing i think he did it to like pull a prank on someone but it's just weird the poor janitor making minimum wage yeah well I feel bad for the janitor but like there were multiple people in the room at that time and like I really needed to go to the bathroom

it was chaos dude damn bathrooms are fucked up it's kind of crazy if you think about it we have a designated place for all that shit. I don't think it's too crazy when you do think about it because

you kind of do want to keep it separate from everything else. Exactly. That's where you leave your toothbrushes. Imagine if we evolved differently. Imagine if we never invented the toilet and we were just shitting still in like uh just holes just every building had a hole in the corner well they used to have those in castles yeah

exactly that's what i'm saying like we never imagine we never evolved past that point like you go to the grocery store and like there's just a spot in the corner where everyone shits and pisses yeah dude you know in cast like, one of the ways they tortured people was to throw them down that hole. That's funny. Yeah, that's messed up. It's not funny. No, it is funny.

It's definitely funny. Imagine being trapped in a poo-poo. There's so many fucking insane torture methods. You know, torture methods should make you happy to be where you are right now you have you heard of that one torture method where there's like a bull like an iron or golden bull and then you get put in it with a bunch of rats and then apparently that that never actually was used really at least a lot of a lot of

historians argue that that was never actually used but some argue that it was but yeah it sounds terrifying you're talking about the one where they like you mean like a bull right yeah yeah and they put you in the in the big bull and then they'll like light a fire under it so you slowly cook in it and shit yeah yeah yeah that's horrible pretty like uh seems like anguish and then And then I think they made it so that the acoustics, when you were screaming, it would sound like the bull was like. Yeah, you would sound like a squealing bull. That's kind of creative, though. It is honestly way too creative for what it is.

Well, I think they were saying also like the Iron Maiden, that was never used either yeah which for those who aren't familiar it's like the little like closet filled with spikes that you get put in yeah yeah that wasn't a thing like i think getting guillotined is not it's not that bad comparatively right it's pretty quick and painless isn't there a moment when your head's cut off or you're still like aware probably for yeah a split second but they were doing some research on this and uh i stumbled upon this information recently but they were saying that uh it actually is possible for you to feel pain being guillotined and then also uh i think you can remain conscious for up to like i don't know 10 seconds seven seconds that's pretty fucking crazy that's crazy

you just look at your body being like damn oh man and then you then your last you You have, like, your last thoughts. Those have got to be pretty embarrassing. Yeah, I feel like I'd have impulsive last thoughts where I just think of the worst thing ever. Yeah. Or just shit that doesn't matter at all. Yeah, like nothing meaningful that you should think about

before you die, just... I don't know. I don't know what's going on on Reddit today or something. You think about some, like, awkward moment you had with a girl in like sixth grade yeah that's like your last thought or you think of this this person you saw picking their nose just something dumb yeah I've always tried I've always wanted to like make sure my last thoughts are like positive because uh I kind of have this theory that like we make our own afterlives you know when our brain is like dying and we lose sense of time and like we lose sense of reality and everything like you probably live in your last thoughts, if that makes sense. Oh, hell no, dude.

I don't believe that. And I don't want to believe that. Fuck that shit. I honestly think you do, though, because I think about it. Like, I disagree, dude. You ever heard of comas? You're just lights out well people in comas have woken up from comas and have been like like aware of the fact that people were like talking to them and stuff i think it depends on like what kind of coma you're in and

also if you're brain dead or not i think like if your brain is off like it's just over that's yeah no no if your brain is off it's definitely over like 100 but after like after death like clinical death there's still electric activity recorded from your brain for like a certain amount of time and and your brain releases a whole bunch of like chemicals and hormones and stuff and uh so you're probably losing the concept of time as your brain is like slowly shutting down so like one second could feel like eternity so like you could you could literally be in like in your own personal afterlife for what feels like an eternity and you're just imagining all these things so that's why then it's going to be some subconscious

shit you're not gonna be able to control it it's gonna be like a few neurons like firing so it's gonna be just some absolute crap it's gonna be like a fever dream it's gonna be like you with like a bunch of giant like talking brownies and you're just gonna be like having a conversation about nothing yeah it's gonna be some random shit yeah i mean it could be but that's kind of why i want to like maximize my ability to have like good thoughts you know on my way out assuming i am uh given the luxury of a peaceful death you know nah dude we're putting you in the bull i mentioned before the bull the guy's like this bullshit, and they all laugh, and then he gets thrown in. That's like a Family Guy joke.

Like a good one. That's bull. You should write for Family Guy, Panda. Honestly, Panda, you would be the perfect writer for Family Guy. I should. They need to fire all those people because they suck now. They've really gone off the deep end. What would be some of the jokes you make if you're writing for Family Guy? to fire all those people because they suck now yeah they've really gone off the deep end what uh what would be some of the jokes you make if you're writing for family that's so much immediate

pressure well the first thing i know what i wouldn't do because what family guy has been doing a lot is to do a lot of references now to like older jokes which is fine sometimes but you do it too much now like they do too much of that one joke. You know that one Peter Griffin gag where he falls down and he's like, ah, you know, it's that for five minutes. Oh, yeah. That was funny the first time because it's like, okay, you're wasting my time,

but that's kind of funny. But now they do that joke so much time just to pad out, like, an episode, and it's just so annoying now. It's not the funny it used to be. So we get rid of those jokes, and we get rid of all the jokes they do way too much now, because they rely on the same shit now.

Yeah, that's when you know that your show kind of needs to stop. Yeah. It's when you've become, like, too self-referential. Like, you're just kind of repeating what works, and you're not really pushing boundaries anymore. Yeah. I mean, you know, shows need to end.

It's just the truth yeah it's true just to in order for them to be remembered fondly and at least like written shows you know yeah it's funny you say that mentioning like the padding out time because before this recording while we were waiting astro and i were talking about like what if we just did another silent episode and like actually like if you're listening to this on youtube can you leave in the comments like if it would genuinely piss you off if we made another silent episode well now it's not as funny you know because i think expect it coming i think referencing it makes it funny because it's like now they never know what if one of these days we just randomly do a silent episode it's a reference it's a callback yeah we're doing a callback for those who aren't familiar like dozens and dozens of episodes ago we were just

like really tired like all of us and uh we were just like what if we just like did pure silence and uh we did. It ended up being fun, though. There's a lot of little Easter eggs in that one. But this one could be pure silence. Oh, I like that. So we don't even have to show up. Yeah, we don't have to.

Oh, we would show up, Astro. We would be there. Oh, right. We just didn't say anything at all. Of course. I love to work for this channel. It would be like performance art. Like, you know John Cage's piece?

Wait! We should do an episode where we do like some David Blaine shit. What would that be? Like we all get in the fucking Iron Bull, or whatever the fuck it's called, and we start getting roasted. We see how long we can go what if we podcast from inside what if we did one where we just count the entire

episode that'd be awesome it'd be like a mystery beast classic video like before he was doing all this dude stuff what if we do an underwater episode like the david blaine stunt where he like went in that big like sphere of water in new York And he tried to like hold his breath for like as long as he could it was like a really long time Or like the one where he uh Was encased in ice We could do a podcast inside ice Dude, that'd be awesome Realistically underwater. I think I could last like

40 seconds Really I could do a lot I think no probably longer like i have been able to hold my breath for pretty long but uh uh in in terms of being encased in ice i don't know i think we would probably die pretty quick but actually i can hold my breath now for as long and we can see how long i can hold my breath if you guys just want to talk about something okay okay okay tell me when to start go mika how do we know you're not just you aren't just breathing yeah you could just lie about this i'm gonna do it too yeah i'm doing it right now this is so hard right astro i mean yeah this is really it's really difficult but yeah i think i could probably go for the rest of the episode i think so too

see mika this isn't so hard yeah mika kind of sucks with this you can't even talk while doing it once you're able to talk while doing it you're on another level it gets a lot easier and so you know back to the shitting and pissing thing yeah um i think i think we should uh have like genuinely have a piss off i think like we should uh we should get like a piece of paper and see if one of us can piss through it oh man i'd have to win that's my or we could start pride we could start just uh pissing and shitting right now while mika's holding his breath i mean he can't stop us oh did he die he just passed out do you think his face is like purple right now mika are you purple okay hey what's up hey man i don't know i wasn't counting how long that was yeah i guess the commenters are gonna have to let us know i feel like i could have gone for a little bit longer,

but I was starting to... It was just becoming unpleasant, to be honest. Yeah. Pan and I are still holding ours, so... Dude, I don't know how you do that. We're built different. Yeah, most people... Can you, like, teach me how you did that?

It's not a learned trait. It's genetics. Well, what you can do, Mika, is you can breathe maxing, where you just hyperventilate constantly. Hyperventilate constantly? Yeah. Dude, I feel, I'm not joking to you.

I feel like if I were to start hyperventilating right now, I would have a full-blown panic attack. So if I held my breath and then died because I never took in another breath, would I technically still be holding my breath after that? So I would have like an infinite world record. I'd be like holding my breath forever.

You ever think about that? Uh, no. But it's pretty cool. You know when you die, you pee yourself, you poo yourself. Anyways, if you want to hear us talk about more of this stuff, head on over to the patreon section of the podcast where the episode doubles in length you get a discord server

minecraft server viewer collins extra shows yeah head on over to sleep patreon.com sleep deprived