SmartLess - "David Spade"

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

On this diamond of an episode, ace comedian David Spade shuffles on in. Our hearts are captured as we get royally flushed, and you bet your bottom dollar that Sean reveals his alternate identity as the Seafood King. At the end of the day, let’s just get one thing straight: with us jokers, it’s all fun and gaming here at SmartLess.Please support us by supporting our sponsors!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Will. Hey. Oh, you ready to laugh today? Yeah, you really laugh today? Yeah, ready? One, two, three. Okay, here you go. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Hey, do you guys eat seafood last night? Scotty and I went to a seafood place. Oh.

We went to, yeah, it was right up the street. Oh, you're asking if we did too by chance? Yeah. I had a bite of fish last night. I actually went out to dinner for the first time in a very long time last night. Is that a restaurant? Yeah.

The four of us went out to have a little family dinner and it was very, very pleasant. That's nice. Well, now, see, I went to a, the place, I went to, you have to do a show, a vaccine card, you have to do a vaccine card, you have to show ID. You don't have to do that in LA when you go out, right?

No, we didn't have to show any of that stuff. We should have. Well, we were eating outside. I wonder if that matters. Huh. No. But you had to show it there in Chicago? Yeah.

And then we had the, I got a little, because Will knows, I like lobster and seafood and crabs. Love it. And then, so it's all in my fingers. And before what I do is I take the lemon and I squeeze the lemon on my hands and then rub my hands together so that it doesn't smell. Okay.

And then what? And then you dry them off? But isn't that, you make it sound like that's some special strategy you thought up. Isn't, don't they bring the lemon to the table for that purpose with the little cloth? No, you put the lemon on the food. I don't know that you're supposed to put it on your hands,

but I do. Well, listen, we can just, we can ask our mystery guests who seems to be a top chef contestant based on what we're able to see here and a male top chef contestant based on the David that was burped out before we got going here. As a top chef contestant.

Listener, usually the mystery guest is a full mystery. So, but I don't know the last name yet. You don't know last name. So let's get right into it. Okay. You'll guess it right away. My mouth is watering.

Well, throw some lemon in there. This guy is one of the funniest in the biz period. Makes me laugh a lot. I remember seeing him in SNL when I was a kid and everyone would imitate his characters. He's been on not one hit sitcom, but two hits sitcoms. How many people can say that?

I was a huge fan of his latest talk show. So many movies, so many animated films, so many TV shows, so many laughs. David Spade. Wait, what? Wait, what? Wait, how did you guys do that little switch? David, who was like, who was in the background going,

David. Oh yeah, Heather, you got popped for yelling David. Heather. Wait, but why? Heather got popped again. Well, hang on. I feel dumber than I usually feel on this show. Which is remarkable.

Would you guys do a little switcheroo there on your? No, I just did it before he got on. Yeah. Oh, they put top chef contestant. Okay, so. That's pretty good. Wow. First of all, David, welcome.

I want to say welcome because nobody's said it yet. So welcome. David, welcome. Really happy you're here. David, welcome to the little yourselves. Secondly, I want to say, and I don't know how you feel about it, Sean saying I used to watch him on SNL when I was a kid. So that feels terrible to begin with.

I was a kid. Listen, I was so locked into the lemon squeeze story. It's compelling. Because why did he bail on that one? Yeah, stay tuned. Sean's like, guys, before we start, I've got this story about a lobster and it's fucking crushing wherever I go.

So let me just, just go with it. And then it feels like it's tapering down. I'm going to bring on Spadoodle. The real handy tip he's figured out with shellfish. I was thinking, David, the other day, Jason and I played this Pro-M golf tournament and I was at the tee and I was about to see you off. They had all these kids like volunteers and this guy goes,

not kids, these guys and whatever, this guy goes, as I'm about to see you off, he goes, well, I love Blades of Glory. It was my favorite movie when I was a kid. And I just stopped and I went, I was an adult when I made that. Yeah. And how old are you?

You look good. Wait a minute. I'm almost 52. David, let me, just to clarify, what year did you start SNL? So I can say I was a kid. I don't even, you know, I don't know if we should talk numbers,

but it scares off fans. Let me think. I think SNL was 91. Yeah. I was 20. But David, you have been. Cue plummeting ratings. But David, you've been very funny and actively funny.

I agree. IE employed for a very long time and that is quite the gold ribbon in this. That's hard. Yeah, that's a hard part. Yeah. It's good for you. Yeah.

For so many years. But wait, I want to go back to the seafood because I always see you at that seafood place that you and I go to unless the end again. That story is a two-parter. Yeah. No, it'll be more.

Barely a one-parter. Wait, what seafood place? I always see you at the... Stop saying seafood. Okay. It's so generic. Yeah. Hey, have you guys ever eaten seafood?

Did you guys eat seafood last night? It was like us? No. We all didn't sync up on that one. Yeah. Here's life. I'll go first with my seafood stuff. This is the best podcast ever.

I know. I was like, jeez, that's squeezing the lemon. It was like a car chase for that story. What restaurant do you guys... I always see you at Koi. We always go to Koi. I do. You know, Sean, I've seen at Koi.

And we've never bought each other dinner and do that old funny trick. No, but I'm open to it. Yeah. I'll do it. I'll start. Wait, Koi's a sushi restaurant. Stop calling you a seafood restaurant.

Well, fishes are the ocean. Everything's really a seafood restaurant. And so it's spelled K-O-I, not C-O-Y, right? It's not like some sneaky little date place. It's called Koi. I always go, you want to go eat some sushi? And Scott, he'll go, oh, Koi. Oh, Koi?

You guys are so cute. No, but all kidding aside, one time I got food poisoning there. No, but we can't say that. We got to cut that out. No, you didn't hear what he said. Say it again, David. Food poisoning. Oh, food poisoning.

No, I actually love Koi. I used to go to Koi back in my wet days. When it was cool. Well, I mean, it's still, that's my question. It's still there. Is it still bumping, as the kids used to say? You know, it was always bumping. And then it had a certain heyday with, like, Craig's,

you know, a lot of cameras out front. And now that it's not, it's just still a good restaurant. It's the best. But it's not all commotion. Is the stinking rose still across the street? That's down Los Angeles. That's further down towards Wilshire. Ed DeBevix.

Is Ed DeBevix still up and running? He's in LA. Ed DeBevix was on Melrose 18 years ago. No, that's way down. You're right. What about Flippers? Do you guys ever skate at Flippers? Are you thinking of the Sonic in Austin?

I'm thinking of a place that used to be where the Beverly Center is now built. Oh. Oh, no, that was the Odyssey, the Odyssey nightclub. No, you know, I do a lot of La Cienega. There's a Nobu on there. There's a lot of nice restaurants right there. Do you ever do a Fogo de Chao?

I'm Sean. I would think that you would like Fogo de Chao. Hey, watch the language, please, Wil. No, but somebody, my friend of mine just texted me last night a new documentary once again on the food industry. And now she's a vegan because of it. Some new documentary that's out on Netflix.

So she's like, I went shopping. I'm not buying meat anymore. I watched a documentary on Netflix about food and it got me to go vegan for six months to try to drop my cholesterol. And so I didn't, all I had were plants for six months. My cholesterol dropped a single point. Oh, wow.

Really? Yeah. So you're back on meat. Well, yeah, either meat doesn't matter for cholesterol or I've got some chronic cholesterol problem that it can't be fixed. And there's limited time. You look pretty healthy though

because you're always pretty skinny and ripped. All you guys are pretty skinny and ripped. No one's really lost there. Well, that's nice of you. You spend time with Bateman in a meal situation. It's like a, like a supermodel trying to make weight. Like he's counting, he's annoying the waitress with like, you know the LA thing of like, I'd like to order this,

but here are my conditions to my order. Meg Ryan order. Oh, shit. But it's so funny. If you put a brownie in front of him, he'll inhale it. That's the truth. Yeah, exactly. I just don't order it, but I will eat it.

The only thing I've heard that you guys are all three at Aniston's house in different rooms. That's not true, is it? Right now? We've been living at Jen's house for years. I always, well, I see Jason over there and not to mention Jennifer Aniston on this, but Jason, that's when I was thinking of eating.

I think I've only seen you eat there. And I eat a lot. I do eat a lot. You do. And Will, I think I've seen all of you guys probably over there. By the way, David, I keep, I think about this all the time. Fuck it made me laugh so hard. A few years ago, I don't know if you remember,

we went to some event and we were both presenting something. I forget what it was and somebody, there was a guy out doing some bit and it was bombing. And I think it was kind of the point of the thing that was, it was to bomb. And it was just like completely bombing. And we were standing next to each other just off stage and you turned to me and you go,

he makes you look like a good actor. No, why would I say that? You had me, I literally bent over laughing. It was so funny. It was such a great burn. Here's my problem. I do stuff like that. The people I don't know well enough.

I'd like you and I think you're funny. And I don't know you well enough to start throwing out shitty jokes to you, but I can't help it sometimes because I think you're funny. So I go, this is like a gamble. Well, I get it because I think that, you know, again, this comes up a lot that that's the, that's kind of a language of love of like burning somebody. Like if it was somebody and give a shit, you'd be like,

why am I, I'm not going to waste that joke on this idiot. I wouldn't even talk to you or you wouldn't talk to me. But I do that. I talked to Jason. I want to see him out because Jason's always interesting to talk to and Sean and I went to that seafood place. Boy. Wait a second.

I saw him at the seafood place, Black Angus, because they have shrimp. I mean, you do sound like somebody on a cruise ship, Sean. Oh, there's wonderful seafood at this place. I mean, what is wrong with you? You jump 20 years. You can eat seafood. You order fish some places. You know how easy,

do you know how easy it would be to assassinate Sean? There are two places you have to hang outside of. Chin Chin on Sunset and Koi. Chin Chin. By the way, it's so true. Chin Chin. Every time you're there, you're sure it's 1999. You're just positive it must be.

I met a date at Chin Chin in 2004. That's the only, that's the last time I've been there. It's right in Sunset Plaza. It's got a great location. Did you have a girlfriend now, David? Hey, Sean. Nice transition. Let's get into the personal stuff right now.

You know, I had a great girlfriend and then I'm... Don't bring us down. Yeah. Don't bring us down. Oh, we know she died. Did she have ship adjudged seafood reaction? She went in a different direction. She went in a different direction.

Hold on. What does that mean? That means she broke up with me. Oh, okay. Wait, I want to go back to the... Please, anything. We've only covered seafood, so is that where we're going? Did I ever tell you about the lobster?

I go, I think we didn't cover that right at the beginning. Here's the story we're going to cut out. Sean's going to hate me for saying this. About eight months ago, we flew... I got a ride with Sean to New York to Sean's very... Let's keep it in. And we're flying on a PJ. And I look over and the...

Sean and Scotty have chartered the flight. And the flight attendant comes and says, would you like your seafood? I'm not making this up because this is so relevant. And she comes back with... He's on a private jet. And she comes and she serves him lobster. Jesus Christ.

And so Sean starts squirting lemon on it, whatever. And he looks over and I'm taking a photo. And he goes, what are you doing? I go, this is just insurance. This is just insurance. You want a fucking private jet eating lobster? Which, by the way, never, ever happens. Like, that was one thing.

Oh, really? Yeah, one time, one time. They told the lobster, the good news is you're going to be on a private jet. And the lobster was like, oh. But wait, I want to go back to when you were talking about going up to Will and like, you know, you're a funny person. So you feel safe to take a risk with certain jokes. Like, where did that come from?

Did you always do that as a kid? Because I think a lot of people making jokes is risk taking, especially like in personal settings. Where did that confidence come from to go, you know what, I'm going to go for it. I'm going to try it. God, you know what's funny? I don't even know if it's confidence.

It's just at a certain point, I feel like, it sounds like I'm saying I'm well known, but it feels like people expect a certain thing from me, even if it's bus boys or people or a valet. When they see you for one second, they sort of want you to say something that they, if they're only going to see one, that would be sort of memorable.

I've seen other people do it. Because, you know, I try to be polite. I try to be nice to everyone, but if sometimes I will joke with people I don't know, even if they want me to stop by their table or something, just to be friendly and say something goofy about them, and then they laugh. Don Rickles kind of had that same thing, like he...

Yeah, I mean, and I'm not really Don Rickles, but just the fact that you know me from grownups or something, they want you to just say something, and then I goof around with their kids or something. Right, but like I was walking into this hotel with Kevin Nealon once. This is like two, three years ago, and we walk right into the lobby,

and he passes these two girls, and out of nowhere he goes, oh my God, we were just talking about you. It's so fucking... It's so bizarre. He's so funny. And the girls are like, wait, what? I don't even know you.

Yeah. It's a great line. It's a great line. But that kind of confidence to just kind of say anything to anybody, anytime, that's why you think you are. Like where does that come from? It's funny, because I'm going to keep not really answering your question,

but when I was at dinner, sometimes when I'm with dinner, and the ex, actually a while back, she would always infuriate her. You guys probably get this. You say something mildly amusing, and they go, they walk away, and this girl goes,

are you fucking joking? That C-minus dog shit. And then they bust a gut, just because you're on some stupid movie, and I'm like, that's the way it works. And she's like, it's so fucking humiliating and embarrassing. And then in fact, you buy into it, and you're like, hey, that's a real zinger.

And everyone else is going, that was the worst undercooked shit. And then, you know, and then I'm like, hey, you saw it in the last, I'm getting applause breaks. At table 41, we're killing over here. So I sleep with rain sound on my phone, and somebody pointed out that it sounds like applause,

that I need it all night as I'm sleeping. Yeah, that wouldn't be bad, yeah. I was a bus boy, and I was bad. I was like, this sort of answers your question, you know, the piece of it. When I was talking to everyone as a bus boy, I wasn't a stand-up yet. I never even thought about it.

I just was like, hey, and the manager goes, hey, don't talk to the people. You know, that's just sort of the silent guy. Get the dirty shit and walk away. Yeah, and then you go, that's the waiter, you know? And I go, why? Maybe I could be a waiter.

And first of all, I goes, you don't got the stuff. That's what he told me. I go, what's the stuff? It's fucking my job's harder. I lean over and get shit in the waiter just goes, let me take your order. And then, hey, bus boy, do everything. And then I'll be back to get the tip.

Stack and balance. And when I, yeah, and you know, you lean over and you see the thing in the back that says, to lift, go straight down and straight up. I've never lifted like that in my life. You're always leaning over, and it's like a 20-pound plate burning hot. So then I go, it's Father's Day,

and it was in Arizona, too. It was stupid. And they go, the manager gives me the whole talk. And then he goes, and there's a shark on the menu. It says shark special. And it's in Arizona. I don't know. And then I didn't question that part.

It's going to be further away from the ocean. Yeah, exactly. We shouldn't have any fish. And Sean would hate it. And so we go in and they go, this table goes, hey, how's the shark? I go, I got a motto. I don't eat them.

They don't eat me. Spank. Can I talk to you? I go, okay. And he goes, what are you doing? I go, crushing. And he's like, dude, what do you not get? Don't fucking talk.

Dude, I'm kidding. I'm getting rolling laughs from three tables that hurt me. And then he fired me. I said, why don't I be a waiter? Then I can do this all the time. He goes, no, we all hate it. What are you doing? I'm crushing, bro.

Bro, I'm fucking, can you see? I've got this crowd. You're killing my momentum. I'm almost to my closer. And then I go in the back and just eat everything on their plate. I was such a little scumbag. Really? You would hear a buzz boy.

You just have to, that's your dinner. I know I don't have OCD because I eat any food. I don't even see where it came from. I just get in the back. I go, half a steak. I don't know if they put a cigarette out. I don't know anything. I just go and take it.

And we will be right back. And now back to the show. David, what was your, what was the audition process for SNL? Because we've had a bunch of people and everybody's got kind of a little bit of a different story. Were you, did you do it in LA? Did you do it in New York? Were you doing groundlings at the time?

I don't know. I'm going to take this question. Yeah. You might as well. I thought you were going to say, I'm going to take this call. Can you guys hang up one second? You know what? Let's go to the phones for one second.

Hello? You're on the air with four idiots. So, so I went, I was doing stand up and never thinking of being on SNL. And it was just got to LA from Arizona. And I was getting some spots. I guess who I wound up, guess who I liked that was very funny, Nealon.

He was one of my, it kind of an influence because he had that dry delivery, which I never really saw a lot of. So funny. And where he just runs over it. You don't even know it's a joke. I'm like, do these people know that's the funny part? Right. Even I didn't really know.

He'll come out, he'll, he'll, he'll go to my bathroom. He'll come out, he'll go totally dry. I'll go, Hey, you got a plunger? Every time, every time it comes out of the bathroom. When we're on that lights out show, we have like a little cactus with all these leaves and shit in the middle of the, of the table that we all sit around. And then the commercial goes, Hey, you going to eat that salad?

And I'm looking around like, what's he talking about? Anyway. Oh yeah. And then in the middle of my monologue, he interrupts me and goes, Hey, what are you going to wear tonight? Anyway, so he goes, so he was very funny and I would watch his act. And then one time I was getting kicked out of the place I was

living in this other comedian. I was renting. It was some, you know, it's always like a disaster situation, but he was moving back in. So he kicked me out and, and I go, I don't even know where. And then Neil just happens to go, Oh, I'm moving out. I got SNL. It was way back then, right when I started.

And he goes, if you want to rent my room while I go there, I live with a couple of comedians. And I said, Oh, fuck. Yeah. So he goes, I'll come back. You didn't even ask who the comedians were because that, that, that sounds like, that's a, that's a spicy meatball. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't even have any choice. I just, one was Bob Dubak, one was a writer and one was Dana Carvey. Wow. And Dana lived above the garage in like just a room and he had his wife with them. They were living there and he was already on SNL. He was like a commune.

Isn't that crazy comedy like Manson camp? So I, So I was not known and Neil was a very friendly guy and, and then, and then they'd go to SNL. And then weeks off, they'd come and Neil would stand a couch, but they would tell me SNL stories and still never cross her mind to do SNL because I wasn't like a character guy.

I'm just barely a middle act. Just trying to make sure this is what I'm going to do forever. You know, because I have to make enough to just go, check to check. I still wasn't making money. And then I sort of went way back for your answer, but I know the answer is two and a half minutes. Just tell me when,

No, I love it. I know I'm in. Okay. So then I, You can pick it up probably. Yeah. Right there. It's starting to drag just a little bit.

Right there. It dipped a little bit. Yeah. Well, we can probably trim that out, but the thing about comedy up, tangent alert, tangent alert. So anyway, I, I, I, I, they come back, blah, blah, blah.

And then I do the young comedian special that used to be on HBO. And there was like a host would host it. And Dennis Miller was host. That's right. Will, have you heard the story? And so, I got, I got, Listener wills texting.

I'm texting because I got Amy's face. I mean, about, cause the kids, my son hasn't finished this homework. Cause it's an even better story. Did you let her know that it's our time right now? Or it was the weekend. Yeah.

So, So, So anyway, I get an audition because they saw this young comedian special and me and Schneider got an audition in New York. So that, that was your answer. I flew to New York.

And then that audition was stressful, was relaxed. Did you, did you, did you want it or not? Area inducing. Yeah. I wanted it, but I,

I go, oh, I should, yeah, I would be honest. No, it'd be great. No characters. No idea. Just like sounded great. No plan. So what,

don't you have to do characters for your audition though? Yeah. They tell you, you have to do a certain. No, I did stand up. So you just did your set. A lot of people just do stand up. And now more and more,

they're making stand-ups to characters, which fucking sucks. And don't you have to do like an impersonation or no? Yeah. I was just scrambling. I'm like, here's John Bonnet. I love a parade. But I got hired to be a writer.

And I didn't want to be a writer. I wanted to be you. Yeah. So then did you, okay. Sorry. Don't want to jump ahead, but if a writer and I get hired as a feature,

it's called a writer-performer feature player. So he goes, this is great. This is what Chevy chased it. So you get to write and be on camera or just write for the first year? Jason's like, is it toward the end? No. So I get to.

It's foggy at the runway. I go there. Yeah. And I walk around. No. So I just get a brown desk and a legal pad and they just go, this is your week, but no one tells you jack shit.

So we, Rob and I walk around and we see Conan O'Brien. We see, I mean, the writers are fucking hitters. It's Greg Daniels, Conan, Robert Smigel, Jim Downey, and, you know, fucking Bob Odenkirk, and then the cast is Mike Myers and Dana, and all these guys are writing too. So I'm competing against these fucking Frank and, you know, all these writers.

And then the cast, and that's the hard part is that we weren't even trying to get on the show at the first. I was like, let me just get to read through without my sketch sucking so fucking bad where everyone looks around and goes, what the fuck? Who spayed? Because you have to put your name on it, unfortunately. So they look at, and they're already like,

you know, low expectations. But then Lauren, you know, you guys have hosted, you read like 45 sketches that read through. And I probably write two, which is harder than shit because most of the hosts were about the same look. You know, like, honestly, like white guy, like a little older, like, you know, it could be Tom Hanks and Alec Baldwin

and then John Malkovich and then Michael Keaton. So your sketches aren't so different, you know? You can't go, oh, it's Melissa McCarthy. Oh, I have a great one for her because it's something we haven't seen for a while. And she does different moves. And this person, it's always fun to get someone different. And if you're not a good writer, which I wasn't,

it's really hard to think differently and write for other people, which is hard. Did you watch SNL before you went through all of this? Like, were you a fan? Like, did you have favorite people? I did watch it growing up and loved it. And that was always like, I think people's favorite years are sort of their years when they were in front of a TV.

People say they liked it when I was on. It's usually when they were watching. Did they say, okay, David, just write for a year and if your writing is good, then we'll put you on camera after a year? Or how did they... That's a good question. That was way better than Sean's.

What it was was... Yeah, he usually are. Sean tried to get in another one before you got to see it. He did what I used to do, which is give you a multiple choice for an answer, which ends up elongating things. Jason also likes to answer his own question buried in the question at the midway point.

We're not journalists. We're not close to it. Listen, I'm doing a podcast. I don't know what the fuck is happening. Dana talks and I just wait and then I say a joke and everyone looks like, why are you talking? I'm like, I'm not. I'm just going to watch.

I love that you guys are doing that together, by the way. I love that you guys are two super hilarious dudes. And it's sort of... When I saw that you guys were doing that, I was psyched. Well, everyone goes, smile as is the greatest show on earth. I know. Do a lot of people sound like that? Well, we didn't videotape it.

And I said, I think we should videotape it because my fans are between six and nine years old and they like things on TV. They like pictures. It's like YouTube. And so, yeah. And they like Legos. Sure.

Hotel Transylvania. So everyone just said, no. And I go, I only know stuff from my stupid Instagram. I don't even know about podcasts. I go, oh, that person? I follow Housing One. Oh, there's a clip from it. So I go, how do I tell people I'm on?

And they're like, well, that's up to you. I'm like, what? So, well, that's where you come in. I go, I don't know what you mean. Where do I come in? I can't even show it. So they said, smile. And I go, oh, Jesus.

Hey, David, when you used to do, how deep into doing SNL, you being on SNL, did you start doing that? Was it called Hollywood Minute? Yes. Oh, God. It gave me so much anxiety. I know me too.

So wait, so. Wait, what is it? It gave me anxiety or it gave me me. No, it gave me so. Because I was definitely on the outskirts of Showbiz. Oh, you get that. Oh, yeah. In the prime target land.

I would watch that. Which is like, like, like someone watches a horror film through fingers. Tell Tracy what it is. So for Tracy out there, Hollywood Minute was this hilarious segment of weekend update where David would come on like a Hollywood reporter does on the local news station

and he kind of runs down the status of the business and the status of people's careers, et cetera. Sean, Sean, it was so fucking. Do you remember it? No, I totally remember it. I did remember it was Hollywood Minute. But it was always, it was always the scathing truthful underbelly of what the true climate was.

It was a baseball bat to the knees of people. Like if any movie didn't open, he would put a shine of light on. If somebody's career was plummeting, he'd amplify it. Barely plummeting. Yeah. It was just, it was hilarious. Did anybody ever get mad at you?

Did you ever get any? Well, it was always a little dicey because, you know, I'm doing it and then I'm doing it a lot. I'm fucking horny for it. And then we'd be in the writer's room and Jim Downey would go, you would never do that. And we'd throw out jokes. And I go, I go, what about this?

And he's like, oh, you're too much of a pussy. I'm like, do you think I am? You know, he's my head writer, my boss bullying me to do it. And cause Downey was like, we all love Downey. He's the best writer. And so, and he wanted these jokes. You know, everyone wants the jokes. They just don't want to do them.

Right. And I was the conduit to get them out there. And so people would come to me and go, what if he said, and so I start getting, you know, some didn't always do well, but they were more memorable because people were like, oh, this is back when it was People Magazine and that was it. So all celebrities were just catered to.

And so no one was saying anything negative. And so I'm like, hey, have you seen this fuck face? And then everyone's like, wait, what? I'm like, God damn that movie sucked. And they're like, so it was probably like 12 jokes in a row. And then I go later and just get out and run hide. Did you ever joke about somebody that had just been a host or somebody that came on a few weeks later that was a host?

I think I did Stone Temple Pilots. And I go, I just heard their album. I liked them the first time I heard them. When they were called Pearl Jam. And then they came on the show about a month later and they said, Marcy Klein goes, Stone Temple Pilots are down there. And the lead singer wants to kick your fucking ass.

And I go, are you joking? She goes, not really, no. But we won't let him up here. And I go, well, don't tell him I'm up here. He doesn't know the fucking building. I didn't tell him he run 17. I go, well, I am on 17. Don't throw numbers out.

And so she goes, so she had to calm him down. And then I want to being good friends with that guy, who's a great guy, Scott. But that was just a throwaway joke. But I don't get how it like hits him to the bone because he's probably, it was one of the first times someone said something like that, you know, to him, which is kind of jokes now seem like old jokes.

But then they were sort of newer. When I remember one of the rough ones was a downtown Julie Brown. She left this MTV and she was doing something stupid. And I go, wubba, wubba, wubba. My career's in trouble, trouble, trouble. And then next joke. And people are like, God damn, dude. Oh, here's, here's the bodyguard.

I saw the body. It was the weekend it opened. I saw the bodyguard this weekend. And I want my money back. But I had a really good high pitch. And then, and even though it was a good movie, I just go, well, the joke sounds kind of funny. Yeah.

And not even saw it yet. They don't know. That's the point of it was it would, they were just jokes. Like if anybody, you know, if one of those guys threatened you at valet, you're like, dude, I was just, I don't know you. I'm just making a fucking joke in the moment. Yeah. I talked to Chris Rock about it.

Chris Rock still does it, like when he was doing his act in a, you know, he's like J-Lo. She got here and in her ass came two hours late. And so, but he's doing it right to them and like at an award show and I go, oh, I couldn't do that. That's too rough. That's too hard. But SNL carried and still does carry so much validation power

that by you in that moment, in that bit, being the voice of SNL, there was you were either making or breaking some careers to a certain extent. And it was, it was, it was, you could not not watch. Yeah. SNL does still, you know, people, it's good that it's hanging in there because it has its ups and downs, but there's always something funny. And I wish we had a sketch on Monday. You can see online, you know, there's no online.

So you miss it. You miss it for six months until there's a rerun. You know, it's funny, David, you get this a lot. And I just sort of peripherally, I've seen it over the years, you know, when Amy was on the thing where people go like, I don't like SNL anymore. I liked it back when, and that's like the most common thing you hear from people. And I got to see it and I, and it's, I just call such a bullshit on it

because, you know, the, you know, the very nature of a sketch show is it's never going to be a hundred percent perfect. You know, if you get one or two good sketches a show, that's a great show. That's any show. That's great. That's every show. It's a show that you remember. So all these seasons are much better in the rear view mirror

because you're only thinking about the good stuff. So, yeah, so people go, I remember the good days when it was this and it's like, no, you fucking don't you fucking liar you have. And they told us we suck. Right, of course. When we were loaded up with everybody. And you guys were loaded and it was amazing. The other thing, David, I've often thought of this.

You came up with an entire sort of joke format which was used and taken and stolen from you for years, which is the, you know, 1999 called and that they want their pants back. That is like an iconic joke format that you created. I think I was in Hollywood minute would do different versions of it. It started with funny. Oh, yeah. Well, there was one, there was one thing when I before I did Hollywood minute,

I did it and thank you for saying that because that joke has been bent and beat around for years, but I love being a part of it. When I was on Dennis Miller's little talk show, I was really, he was my favorite comedian and so he had a talk show, but toward the end it was going off the air. So people wouldn't go on. I didn't understand that, you know, people start scattering. I wouldn't have any sign of trouble, but it was his last month,

but they knew it was canceled. So no one would come on. So I came on, I think three times in two weeks and because he had helped me so much get on SNL. I was like, sure, he's like, Spudly. I said, sure. But the last time I came on in shorts, so disrespectful. But I was like, yeah, I got to go to the Beverly Center.

I definitely, I'll be there. And so I go over there and he goes, short Spud on the talk show. And I go, it's called summer, dude. Look into it. And then when I did the Hollywood Minute, I go, I should do more shit like that. That's funny. So it was like, it's called fashion.

Look into it. So it was stuff like that. And then in 1997 called him on their hair back, all that stuff. So that was a point of time. But even jokes from movies like Tommy Boyd and stuff where you look back. One of my favorite movies of all time. I think some of them hold up and some, you know, old movies, some movies, some jokes hold up, some don't.

But some are original from that movie. Like not just Tommy Boyd. There's a lot of movies where you see it and you go, oh, that's kind of a corny bit. And you go, oh, no, that's where it started. Like, yeah. Well, there's anything wrong with my face. I just, it's not so much here.

It's really, you see any red mark here. Yeah. We kept sending him back to makeup going, it's got to be redder. It's got to be so clear. Yeah. David, who are you hanging out with today other than Carvey? A lot that just makes you fucking bust a gut. Oh.

Comics that I hang out with are Kyle Donaghan, I saw last night, who does a lot of impressions and weird stuff on his Instagram. It's still different. He's not just a straight stand-up. Theo Vaughn, Tim Dillon. There's guys I just see here. Are you getting up on stage lately? I do.

I did a special. Two weeks ago, this airs in 2023, but I did a special two years ago in 2022. It comes on, I don't know when I'm going to go edit it Sunday, but I did it and it was hard because I was practicing and I haven't done one for a long time. The last was on Comedy Central, which not no one saw, but it's just harder to see.

I wanted it on Netflix. And so actually I ran into Brad Pitt. You guys all know Brad Pitt. Yeah, duh. I never see him, but I saw him somewhere and he goes, I'm seeing all these specials and he's rattling off all these comedians and I'm like, I have to do one just so Brad will see it. That was really the impetus.

He goes, you don't have one. Like I'm not in the business. I go, I've been turning down a lot of stuff lately. You go home, you brush your teeth and you're like, Brad Pitt thinks I'm not in showbiz anymore. He didn't say it out loud, but he was thinking. He's like, die, he's darting around. He's like, who's this fucking clown?

We'll be right back. And by the way, let me just take this for all the young folks out there. Throw away your smokes. Cause they're not good for us. Okay. So if you got it in your pocket, nice seeing you as I know where they is, right?

Okay. Crush your smokes. All right. Back to the show. David, your show, your talk show lights out was, I just thought it was one of the greatest things that I've seen. I watched it all the time and then I was on it with you.

You did it. You did a funny bit on it. What happened? Because I thought this is working great. Like a real raw nerve. No, because I didn't understand it. Now the tears come. There they are.

It's one of the, it's one of the, it was one of the greatest late night things. Obviously one of the best shows of all time, but that's your words. Now it was a fun show to do. It was fucking hard to do. I don't know. I mean, I'm such a colossal pussy.

I probably would have. You just seemed so perfect for that, that outlet. Thank you. It was a fun show. It was just four nights a week is hard, but. Yeah. I always assume talk show hosts have the easiest job in the world, but I keep hearing it is one of the hardest jobs in the

world. Yeah. They try to make it easy. Like when I hosted Kimmel, they go, you know, that's great. You're coming in the morning. Jimmy comes in seven minutes for the show. Why am I doing here at six AM? But because I don't know how to do it.

You know, they're trying to teach me, you know, understand and what to say. But I said, I'm sure he's got it so fucking wired that they have to because it's hard and it's hard to, the hardest part, like even like on a talk show, like a Kimmel is the talking to the guest part. Like this to me is easier in a way. Plus you guys have some help.

Like I have me and Dana and it's, it's still kind of hard, but it's more bullshitty. But on a talk show, it's like that 11 minutes or whatever. And you ask questions and you got to keep it entertaining and balls in the air. And you don't know much about the person. And you have to tee up the promotion of whatever they're selling.

Yeah. And you got to work this and that. And you don't know they're talking backstage. They don't want to get to your clip, but you think they are. Like when you're a guest, you're like, are we, we're out of time. I think I brought a, all right, next time with David. So, you know how it is.

So the, the lights out thing was we went into Corona COVID. Yeah. You know, cause we're in the third year of our two week lockdown right now. And they said two weeks. And then after that, they go, can you just, if we send you it from home on zoom, which a lot of people tried. It was hard to do, but we did it for a while.

And then comedy central said a new boss came in and said, we're going to get rid of Tosh and lights out. And we're going to go more animation and stuff. So they did a clean sweep and started over. And I was like, So do you want to do something like that again, that kind of routine, or do you prefer features or doing another TV show or maybe just podcasts and touring and stuff like that.

Yeah. Well, podcast is new and it will. And it's, it's not, it's kind of fun. It's kind of interesting cause everyone is SNL related. It's about, sort of has a slant. So some are just old friends and some are people I just know who they are. And it's fun to ask them stuff about the show.

Cause at least I have some knowledge of it. But I like stand up. Do you enjoy the touring part, like city to city and sexy? Yeah. I mean, I don't, I don't bust my ass, but I do like to get out of fun to go to a city and see how much you sell or what, you know, you do a theater and they go, oh, they want to add a night or something.

Oh, I never even been there. Like that's fun to go and see who's listening and who's watching and who knows you from what after all this time. Now, are you the type of guy that does a show and then goes out afterwards and gets after it and sleeps till three o'clock in the afternoon or. No, that stopped early. That stuff, which is a comics life when I did like the Dallas

and I was starting out and I was a middle on the road, which means you're not the headliner, but you do like 25 minutes. It was such a weird thing that not have any rules. You know, you just want to go have a fucking middle for life. Yeah. I got hired in SNL was still in middle and then you go on headline, you go, I don't even know. I don't have 45 minutes.

I don't have an hour, but so I go out in middle and then you just have to be somewhere. Is the top the best or the bottom the best? Who's who? Who headlines a top or a bottom? Sean, if you're the middle. Yeah, Sean. Sean.

Yeah, Sean. I don't understand this question and stand up and stand up world. If you're the headliner, does that make you the top or the bottom? That's the best thing you can be the bottom. What does the bottom mean? Well, I don't know if you say you're the middle.

That's kind of the top. So the headliner would be the top. Got it. There's opener middle headliner and they just say middle because you're between the opener and the headliner understood. So you actually call and say, Hey, what do you do? You go, I'm a middle. I'm trying to play your club and they go, okay, send me a VHS

of your act shot on a, you know, camcorder somewhere. And then they go, all right. And so I go to these clubs. I got up to making a thousand a week. Sometimes when I did Vegas, it was only 500 a week, but it was 21 shows. And I thought I was King cock. I was happy with it.

Now you were going out after that, right? Would you go play the tables? Those I would. And then my friends would come on the road and they go, oh, we got. So you'd go to a club. And what I was getting at is you get a free Hawaiian chicken dinner, which is like chicken with a pineapple on top, a

pineapple ring. And I'd eat that. I'd fucking whoop. Sean's eyebrows are high right now. He's like, where's their shrimp? Could I sub out the, could I sub out? Do you have ahi? Would you ever do, cause you've been on two of the biggest sitcoms,

just shoot me in rules of engagement that both lasted years and years. Why do you sitcom again? I mean, probably. Did you like that? Yeah. I'm not really going after too hard. I'm just sort of did start of the podcast doing standup and then I'd

get ready for my special, which I had to do a little extra standup to rub out the rough edges, finished it, trying to make it. I didn't, I didn't want it to be an hour. Cause I think some people don't last that long watching them, but now it's at an hour 11. I got to still cut it down. And I'm like, ah fuck, I don't know what to cut anymore. I like it.

It's so gross. I like my own jokes. It's sickening. No, but that's great. If things are working, that's awesome. Right. And then someone goes, Chris Rock watch. He goes, I feel a special should be 55.

And I go, yeah, me too. Your last one was an hour 31. He goes, I know. Are you saying you're better than me? We all know he is, but I make him say it. What was speaking of rock. So you guys have obviously you and rock and Sandler and, and you guys have all worked together now for like 30 years.

Keep doing movies together and bubble. Is this something that like, I don't know, every three years you guys kind of call each other up and go like, Hey, let's, let's go do something where Sandler, the kind of the ringleader and goes like, Hey guys. Usually it starts with Adam, if he has something, but we all just try to do our own stuff. And then if, you know, the grownups is the one that would be fun to do again.

I don't think, I don't think you can, unless we do something like that at Netflix because he's moved over there. And that was a Sony movie. Yeah. But that's, people would kill to see all you guys together. But it would be fun to do it. Cause you know, it, listen, we're keeping the lights on a TBS lately because it's,

it's on like six times a day and then it's grownups two and then it's bench warmers. Then it's like, you know, it's just on heavy rotation. People are like, it's clockwork orange. They're like, you will see grownups soon. Just stay on this channel. And now is that, are the stories accurate as far as how great and cozy and comfy and cush those shoots are where all these buddies hanging out in some great location with light days and,

but you know, listen, Ozark doesn't look like a easy shoot. Yeah. We're all playing. Yeah. We're all playing grab ass. Yeah. It's a hard, everything looks hard when I watch it. I look for night shoots in movies.

I go, fuck that. Oh, fuck that. But grownups is mostly daytime, right? Which is already a star for people that don't know. You're like, okay, that's good. And then it is, it's still getting up at five. But he shapes these things so that it is appealing to him, you, the rest of your friends as far as location goes.

There's an ensemble. So the workload is kind of spread out and all families get to come. Correct? He, on the grownups was where he was really family centric going. We have to cut these jokes. One was we had gone to strip club one night and he's like, absolutely not. We have to do this. And one was this, we was just shaving it down and go, you're sitting with your

daughter who's nine. Right. That's where I went to come. So what can they see where you don't go, oh shit. I said, okay. So every joke was kind of like, let's keep it funny, but let's do different versions because we're going to nail the one that's good. And when everyone's pretty funny, you huddle up after a take and say,

what if, what if you said this? And then like I go, Adam, what if you say this? And he goes, you know what, give that to rock. And then rock goes, all right, I'll say that. And then bubble up and someone will pitch something and they'll go, Kevin James will, I'll say that. Okay, perfect. Go again, like huddle.

And then we go back to it and then we come in and go, what about this? And Adam would always pepper the jokes around. So you could have cut that movie, right? Every joke in the movie. Cause every scene, you have one, you have something and he has to give it. Like, but he, he gives himself almost the least. He, he's the main character. He's like the Seinfeld and he's like, you do this, you go off and do that.

You say that joke, gives himself some fun, but isn't selfish. And then it's still a five AM shoot. It's still a shoot. And you know, Adam has to sit there and wrangle us when we're all me and Sam and Hayek and rock are talking over here and Schneider's over there. And he's like, guys, guys, fucking, and then you only have two lines. So you get to your line and he goes, Spade, I, oh, shit. Oh, is that me?

So he's writing, is writing, producing, directing and first day deeing, right? He's such a generous guy, right? He's incredible. And he's good with it. And then those wind up being a lot of fun and sure it's work, but in the, in the work world, it's the best way because at least at night you can go eat with someone or at least on the set, you can go bullshit with someone. Cause a lot of things you do, like I did father of the year after that.

Oh, a couple of people remember. Thank you. Yeah. It was Adam's nephew was directing who was new at it and he wound up directing Wrong Missy, but that was his first thing. And Adam goes, do you want to do this? And I think it's pretty funny. I think you'd be good in it. And I read it and it was like low budget.

Like I said, yeah, I read it. I thought it was funny and but it was in the cold. It was not grownups. It was freezing. It was raining every single day. And I didn't know anybody. And so it was a whole different ballgame of like, Oh, it's back to work. And you guys have done stuff where it's just work and you go and you go,

I just got to do it. And then you, the only joy really is you're doing takes where you think maybe you nailed something funny or me and it started to come together as I shot it. I go, this is pretty funny for me. Right. And so when it ended, you don't know, it's just you're shooting out a sequence. You don't know if it's any good. And they cut it together.

When I saw it, I said, Oh, good. I like this one. Do you, do you like, you know, from the outside for me, such a big fan and you know, we email and we're friends and whatever. But I look at you and I go SNL at two massive sitcoms, movies, touring with your stand up. Like the success is just really huge. And is there anything left that you or anything that you haven't really

conquered yet that in, in this world that you're like, yeah, if I could just blank, you know, get blank or whatever, or are you, or is it just like gravy? Maybe one more. Yeah. What's the record on that? Is that what you're chasing? Is it?

Well, razzies. The really one that got me was. Do they even still do those? I mean, it's so fucking stupid that, that they do it and gets all the attention and then they just make up things. Now the best one, which was really quick, David, for Tracy or Razi is a, is an award for the worst performance or the worst movie or whatever. Who's Tracy?

My sister in Wisconsin. Who doesn't know shop talk, so we gotta break it down. Oh, Tracy. Wait, what about the Razi? Oh, the Razi is, I was in Jack and Jill and I was up for worst actress. And Sam was up for worst actor and actress. That's pretty funny. And I was like, okay, Razi's, you got one funny one in there.

Good job. David, to give us, give us, give us an update, a status, all the ups, all the downs about the personal life. I want it all. I want, I want, I want, I want pets, mates. Oh, really? Just a quick, quick appeal. Well, how's, how's personal life?

Exciting, boring. What's, what's, what's up with it? We got dumped. We know that, that he learned that. Oh, really? Yeah. Now I'm, oh right. Tracy goes, oh really?

That was toward the beginning when you weren't really. Yeah. My, my, my ram is filled. No, I, I'm, I moved. I live near Sunset Plaza now. And then that was in the paper, which is a new thing. Truly? Like a real estate.

This guy moved. Here's his house. Here's how much it costs. Here's the realtor. Here's photos of it. Here's why you can't afford it. I just went through the same thing in August and. I saw your house.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. I saw him and something and I was like, look at this fucker. And then you know what I did is I would, I would judge people by their, no, not, not on purpose, but I would just think, this is the Caprio's need to tear or whatever that means.

First of all, I go, it's two million. That's all he's got. That's first thing. Then, and then I go, oh, he's got that lamp in his kitchen. Jesus. But then when I sold my house, they go, the most embarrassing thing is they go, well, this place is obviously a tear down. I go, oh, what?

My beautiful fucking mansion. And they're like, well, I go, I have a tennis court. I will bring two tennis targets and some dynamite because we got to just take it down to the fucking nails. And they go, you're joking. I go, I live, they go, you don't live here. Do you? I go, well, no, no, no, I don't live here.

I mean, I stay here. But I was so embarrassed. They were shitting on it. And then they go, I go, all right. So I had these five realtors and four were like, it's probably a tear down. I go, so that makes me sick. And then the fifth one goes, well, okay, if you just leave it like this, you're going to, um, stage it.

I go, I'm going to what? And they go, stage it. And I go, what does that mean? They go, put furniture in here. I go, I have furniture in here. They're like, well, not this Z gallery bullshit. Like we got to come in here and like clean the corners and get some like light in here and some life.

And I'm like, what the fuck? This place is, it's unreal. And they go, and then my realtor's nodding his head going, hey, man, I wanted to break it to you. So literally all my dreams just crashed. I have to stage it. So the point is I see these things on these photos. And I go, they didn't even, that's not even where their house is.

Like mine looks so different now. I don't even know what it is. Like that's my house. Okay. What my house would be, uh, so embarrassing if I didn't have the, the, the taste of, uh, but the other half of my life going in, fixing all the crappy taste I have. Um, or Jason, your house used to belong to, you guys bought it from the state. It used to belong to, um, uh, Ernest Borgnine.

Ernest Borgnine. Yeah. Yeah. No, by the way, who famously somebody said, how do you stay alive? You know, live so long and he famously said by jerking off every day. So do you ever have that thought of him jerking off all around that? Is that true? That's a true quote.

Is it really? Shit. Hang on a second. Look it up. Look it up. That's going to haunt you. Every room that you go when you're sitting with your family, you guys are having a nice meal.

Imagine him standing against the wall, leaning against the wall with one hand, the other one. He's just rubbing one out. He's thinking, I'm going to live so long. I'm going to live so fucking long. Where was that little chestnut when I was thinking about buying the place? What we're doing on the street is he's a real squirter. Is he?

He's got legs. So I'm living in a goo shack. It's just goo every week. Baby goo shack. Oh yeah. David Spade. And then they, oh, and then I'll tell you this, then you can wrap up. I know Sean's, I got to go.

I got to go too. Don't worry about that. So, uh, so then someone offers me when I go to sell, it did sell. Just tear it down. It did sell. Thank God. But they go, uh, they offer me half money and half bitcoins. I go, what the?

I heard that. Yeah. I know. I go, I mean, they're stupid or dumb. But I go, I don't know. Then they go, we can get you a condo in the metaverse. I go, well, on a good street. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

What? And I go, I'm going to wind up in some shitty apartment in a Ruby Tuesdays website. I know what's going on here. I'll be way, way away from anything cool. And they go now. So I didn't, I didn't sell it for that. I took, I go, I'm just looking for money right now at this junkyard. I don't need a file.

And they're like, oh, then we're out. Oh my God. Then we're out. I don't even, NFB. Is that what it's called? An NFB or something like that? Yeah. NFT.

You want an NFT of my house? Then I keep the house. We have a picture of it. That's a million. Oh, good God. David Spade. I wish we could go on and on. You have to go.

I have to go. We have to go. But it's been such a pleasure. Thanks for making this laugh. Thank you guys. That was, that felt like fun. It felt like fun. It felt like fun.

It was such a pleasure. Thanks for making this laugh. That was, that felt like five minutes. Spade, you're so fucking hilarious all the time. Yes, you are. One of the funniest alive. Fucking every time, just hilarious. It's good to have a bullshit session with you guys because it's always a quick brief

talk. Come over to Jen's a little bit more often, be a bigger part of our lives. Come over to the clubhouse. Jen's for Tracy is a restaurant we go to. She always has good food in there. Tracy, Tracy, I was in, how would she know me? She knows exactly who you are. She's a big fan.

She's a big fan. Thanks guys. And I will talk to you soon. I appreciate it. Thanks, David. All right, buddy. See you soon, man. All right.

Have a great day. Bye-bye. He is, he is such a unique community. Like nobody, nobody really does what he does. You know, like I think it's hard to carve out a unique space in comedy and he has had that and held that from the very beginning. Quick dry wit. Really quick dry.

And like I said, like it really made me double over when he just zero kind of, we weren't even talking and the guy's doing this bit and he literally in the driest possible way just over his shoulder goes, he makes you look like a good actor and it just out of nowhere. We weren't even, and it just killed me and I'm like, God, it's so funny, so quick. It was him being a waiter and the guy going, what are you doing? What about the shark? The shitty joke about the shark?

I don't eat them. They don't eat me. So fucking funny. So funny. He is so great. Consistently, always off the cuff. You know, he, yeah, and he, he's been in the business for so long. It's not like you forget about it because he's always there, but you forget like anything,

his brilliance and you need to be reminded that these people are out there. So I don't know. He's, he's one of the greatest. Yeah, I'd like to see him back on something super high profile, you know, whether it's like another TV show or series of movies or like, I mean, the podcast is great and everything, but I want to see him. Yeah, I want to see him a lot more. And that's why I thought that talk show was going to be his thing and work.

But you know, he mentioned his, the location of his new home, you know, where the section of LA that it's in. Yeah. And I don't live too far from there. In fact, I live really near. Bye. No one's ever trying quicker to get to the buy the job. Have a good rehearsal today.

Sean. Bye everybody. Bye bud. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart.

Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart.

Smart. Smart. And crafted by Bennett Barbacoff, Michael Grant Terry, and Rob Armjooarff. Smart.