SmartLess - Introducing: Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello smarties look, I'm gonna be honest with you before I met my husband Scotty I've been on a lot of bad dates We've all had them and now it's time to laugh at them smart less media is doing our very first Podcast yeah called bad dates with the amazing incredible Jamila Jamil And are you well tell tell the listener what? Basically what it's about beyond what the title says. It is relatively self-explanatory It's just me and some of my favorite Comedians and people coming on to disclose the sordid details of the

Starting point is 00:00:41 Silliest and weirdest and grossest dates they've ever had and the reason I love this subject is because it's very bonding It never fails to ignite a conversation wherever you are It brings bound like barriers down But also if there's just a democracy to it because it just doesn't matter how hot you are how smart how rich how famous No one is exempt from a shitty fucking day but I would I would guess that you have never had a bad day because you seem to know how to Communicate in any way possible to make it all work like you can be you can answer the questions or you can or you can ask the questions Like yeah, there's don't only at a donor know how to do one

Starting point is 00:01:20 It comes to a standstill when I am I'm not going to say aroused But when I'm interested all of my skills fly out the window and really like I have no way of I have no way of receiving a sort of social cue so really you have to be inside of me for me to understand that you're interested Given the current climate that's not appropriate You're saying if you like the other person you start to lock up a little bit. I complete I should I lock up and I shut down. Yeah That's it's a problem with Charlize Theron. He can't You don't need to go wide with that. No, she knows don't worry

Starting point is 00:01:55 She's she's aware. Well, we all have that with Charlize. They're like, have you had a favorite guest yet on bad dates at all? I mean anybody and come to mind who could you be hinting at I don't know So and you've been a wonderful guest Oh, give us give us give us a taste Sean. What was your I don't want to ruin it But it starts out with me meeting a guy in a bar with workout pants in a bar And we're both super drunk We go back to his place and he before we get to the goods part of the story He asks can I do mind if I microwave a burrito really quick because we're at it. That's where they got not a euphemism

Starting point is 00:02:33 I would have loved to have said you cool if I shower real quick before we keep talking Yeah, it was it was a real dream she almost on with Conan O'Brien. We've had Tig Notaro. We've had Nikki Glaser Conan's been on a date Yeah, and it was a disaster thankfully so he came on the show to talk about it But it is just like it is quite astonishing how much I've learned about a lot of very famous people and also Just how many people have shit their pants on a date? I don't know if any of you have have literally shit their pants. It's it's actually like it is it's the great equalizer The asshole is the great equalizer of humanity and I think it's been overlooked politically

Starting point is 00:03:17 We've uncovered it on the show Fascinating I want to hear all about that. I am tuning in. Oh, by the way, you just got Jason's attention the dates and the hooking up No, it's fine. But once you get into the short Bowels of the story wheelhouse Sean. Am I right? Yeah. Oh, could you call the show shit show? I Basically should but I mean there are varieties on on what we're learning on the show But it is just I just want people out there to know that you are you are not alone If you think you are like the stories are so wild and so funny and so absurd and we're not shitting on single life God knows married life is fucking its own nightmare, but we're just trying to like have an intimate funny conversation about something

Starting point is 00:04:00 I think is deeply relatable my story amazingly didn't involve any shit But I've had my own like extraordinary disaster Sean. I've told you the story before but yes I can share it with you if you want an idea How much disaster is out there I am I tried to have my first ever one-night stand because I've only kissed six people right Come on doesn't but it is sadly true. I started very late, and then I I was slow on the uptake and so I I Thought you know what in my 30s I'm gonna have my ho era that I've always dreamed of it's gonna happen and I I

Starting point is 00:04:36 Got the sense that I was about to have my first ever booty call a man that I'd been sort of casually going on a few days So just hanging out with we hadn't done anything yet. He texted me and said Do you like shall I come over and I was like oh 11 p.m. I'm definitely going to get my first See you can even hear what's happening to my voice just talking about it Suddenly become like a bit more like Mary Poppins about the whole thing Oh my god, I'm gonna get a casual shag. It's so exciting So he turns up at my house 11 p.m. On the door walks into my apartment

Starting point is 00:05:07 I've only been a living in America for a week at this point, right? So I don't know anyone or anything and And he takes three steps in and collapses face first on the ground and all of his front teeth We're talking at least 12 here shoot out of his mouth Across my entire living room. So now there is blood and teeth all over my room and he's having a seizure So I've never seen someone have a seizure in real life before and I panic. I think he's gonna die I call 9-1-1 which is also slightly exciting because I'm English and they call that in the movies So I feel very Hollywood right now. I call 9-1-1. They send in the fucking police turn up the fire The paramedics everyone comes rolling into my house. I now have about 25 men in my apartment

Starting point is 00:05:53 Which is not how I'd expected No, not quite but close And this man is covered in blood. He's he's he's split his chin all the way open and And they're trying to resuscitate him. They managed to bring him to and they're like, excuse me sir Like, you know, have you taken anything? Do you have epilepsy and he's like, oh, I might have had some cocaine but he was like, but I always have cocaine and I was like It's a small red flag. It's not a huge one. It's a little it was just I think the word always at his age It felt slightly disturbing. It wasn't gonna be a short date

Starting point is 00:06:27 No, exactly. And then they were like if you take in anything else and he was going no And he's hiding in the street like this because he's got no teeth now Oh, and so they start putting the blanket over him to take him out and as they go past his cock He gets a raging erection which feels inappropriate And then I said, have you taken anything else right and he turns around and he looks directly at me It makes full eye contact and just goes I am out of house and Viagra Which is I might have had some Viagra Who don't speak toothless

Starting point is 00:06:57 So that's a combination you don't want. So then you hook up. So quickly sucked him off Yeah, he got carried out in On a stretcher in the middle of us Hollywood of quite famous actor So we had to put a blanket over his cock, but also one over his face And he's just there's just like pitching a tent through West Hollywood as he gets taken to the hospital. So that was That was my first and last attempt at a booty call and have been in a long-term relationship Since a week from that day I can't believe Thoreau has never told us this story

Starting point is 00:07:46 That is what can happen I know see I live for those kinds of stories and you can see You know how everybody has one or two or five or ten of these horrible Ask her if she's ever forgotten a line on stage, you know, yeah any weird Hey, give me a really horrible theater story that's just a dynamic Yeah, you have to tune into smart list for that one But for all bad date stories tune in so I'm about to play a clip from bad dates with comedians Wendy MacLennan Covey Paul Feig and Thomas Lennon while you're listening follow bad dates on Amazon music Or wherever you get your podcast download the Amazon music app today

Starting point is 00:08:22 So I see this this sad little kitty cat sitting on the coffee table This is the Jeff Dahmer story I go over to the kitty because I love cats and I'm like oh Kitty hi kitty and I pick it up and the guy goes no no no Don't pick up the cat It might shit himself because it's very old and he's very sensitive and it might shit everywhere So just just leave him alone and he's on the dinner table Okay

Starting point is 00:08:56 He was on the coffee table next to the other of course The cat is left over El Torrito also I mean it's the cat's been living on whatever came back from El Torrito So, um, we sit down for dinner. It's steak piccata, which I've never had before and wow what a what an involved recipe I'm very impressed. It smells great. It's delicious. Okay, so now I feel like Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom Where's your bathroom? Oh, it's down this long dark hallway and to just go down to the very end

Starting point is 00:09:33 And it's on the left. Okay We're all shaking our heads violently. Okay, just a little further a little further A little further a little further So I go down the the dark hallway and I open the bathroom door And I try to shut it, but it won't shut. Oh, no, but I'm like well I'm all the way down at the end of the hallway. Oh, no. No, I'm just gonna go for it. This'll this'll be quick That's every horror movie ever So I'm

Starting point is 00:10:02 On the turlet. I'm doing nothing and the door opens wide open Because little rickety cat pushed it open with his face Walked up to me and maintaining eye contact with me shits on the bathroom rug Next to its litter box Okay, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm I'm aroused Well, of course you are how could you not be so I'm looking At this cat and I'm looking at what the cat's doing and I'm like he's gonna think I did that

Starting point is 00:10:38 But I also don't feel like I should pick this up because I don't feel like this is my responsibility So I'm just gonna act like it didn't happen And let's let's finish this up because the door is wide open Okay, and again this whole exchange took about 30 seconds, but it felt like an hour and a half So I walk back down the dark hallway again. It's very dark in this house And I see kitty sitting in the corner and I'm like damn it. I am gonna make friends with this cat So I'm I'm down On my hands and knees going kitty

Starting point is 00:11:16 Come on kitty Little kitty. Oh sweet kitty and the guys looking at me like what are you doing? Well, I was talking to a cat-shaped pillow As the rickety little kitty But again, is this an actual cat-shaped pillow because I know it's very dark a new thing is that people are stuffing their dead cats A week later on what that was stuffing dead cat was a new thing. Okay, fine But by the way, I'd like to point out he's on a podcast right now. You kind of you kind of cut out on me there What did you say? I was like was it actually a pillow?

Starting point is 00:11:50 So was it you know, there's a new trend of people stuffing their cats after they find so it really was a pillow Okay, it really was a pillow And he saw me Talking to this cat pillow Then he goes down he goes down the long dark hallway to the bathroom and said, oh my god There's shit on the carpet. I'm so sorry and I said, well, yeah He did that right in front of me. I'm sorry. I didn't want you to think I did it But I I didn't know what to do. So I just left it. He goes. Oh my god. I'm so embarrassed

Starting point is 00:12:23 Okay, well, all right, let's let's go back to the steak piccata. It's fine Whatever animals do what there's what they are gonna do. All right. So we're we're eating. We're having a great conversation all of a sudden I'm like, okay. I gotta go. Bye Very abruptly because I thought I was gonna shit my pants this steak piccata is not sitting well Okay, so he's poisoning the cat is what I'm getting from this Or he's in some really weird stuff or he's poisoning me. I don't know It's just a buttery. There's a lot of butter in a lot of capers and it's a little yeah

Starting point is 00:12:59 Yeah, it was one of those things that makes having a caper Yeah, the caper caper. It's a caper caper happening in your in your and you're colon the colon great colon caper caper It's a great colon caper. Yeah, so the To just drag this story out even longer Please I'm about to shit my pants all over my adorable outfit All right, and it was I gotta tell you it was 1993. I looked good For all bad date stories, tune in. Yes bad dates. When when do when do we get to start airing these things? So march 28th, it'll be on Wondery plus and Amazon music and then march 27th

Starting point is 00:13:38 It'll be on all services and you can just sit back relax and and enjoy the truly horrible tales of some people's dating experiences It's just amazing what we'll go through to get a shag, isn't it? Oh and uh, hey prime members You can listen to bad dates wherever you get your podcasts or early and add free on amazon music Download the amazon music app today

SmartLess - Introducing: Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil

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