SmartLess - "Julia Louis-Dreyfus"

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

The exquisite and incomparable Julia Louis-Dreyfus joins us this week on the show. Recipient of the Kennedy Center's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Julia has won more Emmy awards than any other human being. We live and we learn; we laugh and we cry... and we pitch Julia a new podcast idea. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Yeah. Okay, guys. So the gang said that we need to do some new intros, Sean. So do you want to take it away? We need a really good solid intro. Go me. Yes, go. Hey, everybody, this is smart list. You're listening to smart list. Good

till there podcast that everybody loves. And it's it's with Jason Bateman, me, Sean Hayes, and Will Arnett. And what happens is we bring on a guest that the other two don't know about. And it's a surprise. I'm sorry, are you

in a race? Because I've never heard anybody read something so quickly. All right, it's all new smart list. Let's go. Okay, now listen, I'm going to I'm going to cry here. So just okay, it's going to be tough for me to get through this. But

if if there was a way that we could get Chumbawamba to cover $5 foot long song from subway in a duet with with the Bahaman for who do who let the dogs out if we could get them. Oh, God, are you okay? Pull it together. Well, I saw you yesterday spent

the whole day with you and you didn't have a mustache. I did. No, you didn't. What's going on with you? Do you have to shave like three times a day? And I've just never known it. No, you know what it is? The first of all, my the current stash that I've

got going, I like to call it the Mater D. And I want it accomplished. I look like I look like Jonathan, you know, what's his name? We played the Mater D Ferris Bueller's Day off, you know, Jimmy Valley's old comedy part is also in the pilot of

rest development. Yes, and he was also in you do look just like him. That's funny. Also he had no inflates and he was great. So you've worked with him. How many times you still don't know his last name? Got it. Jonathan Schmock. Schmock.

Yeah. Go ahead. We can wait. Listener will wait. Watch this. So Valley. Go ahead. Sean talk. Okay, so I was I was I love being told what to do. Sean Shut up. Always talking all the time. I was scrolling through the guy this week and the bucket

list was on and I know you guys know and I've talked about a lot, but wait, wait, hey, can we not chew while we're recording? You know, you're not on a break, chunk. Jason, they were playing golf with somebody yesterday and

they excuse me having a dad Bob and I said, Yeah, it's a lot of it's not even muffin top right now. It's just all muffin. Actually, you both know that's not true. I mean, I'm actually getting in pretty good shape. Really? You can

say it, but we can see it. Why don't you tell your body? Yeah. All right, guys, let me finish. Pretty good shape for me. Yeah. Guys, my guest today has one more Emmys and screen actors Guild than any other human being in

history. Eric McCormick. In 2018, she received the Kennedy Center's honor of the Mark Twain Prize for American humor. And also we were up for the same part on Seinfeld. Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Oh my God. Oh

my. Hi guys. The one, the only with the teeth. She's got nice teeth. Wow. So flattering these yeses from these super stars. Yeah, I know, aren't you flattered? I agree to come on. Yeah. How much are you paying her? Just

like a portion of the proceeds. Quite a lot, actually, but which is delightful. I mean, it was a negotiation for sure, but it worked out in my favor. So listen to me. You're one of the funniest people alive, if not the funniest person alive. Yes,

that's true. Yeah. One more Emmys and screen actors Guild awards than any other person. Wow. Is that true? Crazy. Come on, Julia. You don't give a shit. This is news to you, isn't it? It's news to me. Bullshit. Is that true? No, it's unknown.

It's got to be. No, it's not news. I mean, I'm not sure that's true about the SAG awards and and it's all very lovely and stuff. But at the end of the day, I don't think you're really in it to win awards. No offense to awards and I'll take more if

they come my way. Sure. You know what I'm saying? It's why I've always rejected winning. I've never won. He turns away for that very reason that you're pointing out. They'd let him know that he won. He says, no, thank you. Thank you. And then they give it

to somebody else. Oscars, Emmys, Tonys, everything. But it is however, as modest as that is and it's got to It's not modest, really. Well, but it is like it feels there is that validation and it's great

to, you know, you do such great work so consistently for a long time. Yeah, you don't stop working. Aren't you exhausted? I am a little tired, but I like working. I know why. I do. I love working too because so I don't have to be with myself.

But what but the stuff but think about the things that Julia has been invited to do or pursued or however it all works. I mean, it's like some of the best stuff ever and you must love it. I mean, you pick up those.

I remember having these feelings, Will what we were doing arrested like the script would come. This is back when it was all paper I'd open up the door at like five in the morning when we get our scripts day of shooting. It's a different podcast and I would remit the venture with recovery podcast. I would

read it gleefully like a fan. I'd be so excited that this material that we get to do it. Yeah, we need not do anything but just talk it because it's already so funny. I mean, for I mean, can you remember reading a bad script? It's must it's got to be 30 years

in your career. Oh, I've read my share of bad scripts and I think I've done my share of bad. You got Jason's pilot. You got my one act. I got the one act and I got the feature and I've gotten a few things. We'll workshop it. We'll make it better. It's just first draft. I'm not

sure. I'm not sure. But, you know, put a pin in it. Let's say that the quality of the scripts when you come across great quality in a script, it's exalting. There's no, there's no way and then all of a sudden, don't you

find that it's like your creative energy and juices start going nuts and you start thinking of things to layer on and stuff like that. I want to ask you a question about Seinfeld that I've always wanted to know. Here it comes. All right. I won't be able to answer. I have no memory.

I know. Go ahead. Well, this is more about your experience and your feeling. Of course, there are a lot of stories out there and Jerry's talked a lot about that for a season making six episodes, I think initially in four episodes

and it wasn't even NBC comedy or whomever it was, a different division who paid for those. Late night programming. Exactly. Oh, it was what's his name too, wasn't it? Yeah, it was Rick Ludwin, god bless. Rick Ludwin. What a sweet man. Your memory is awful about this

experience. I know. So, but I digress. But then the show becomes and it's now, of course, such a part of that really about our cultural fabric, if you will, a term that's gross but also true. Not just that it was a popular

show, but that because it became this sort of phenomenon. What was your recollection of that moment when it sort of crossed over? Did you have a moment like that where you went like, oh my god, this is bigger than us doing a show. This has become something else. You know, I can sort of say

that that didn't quite ever happen. Because we were I think, first of all, I think the show's popularity grew exponentially once we were off the air. And

as soon as we wrapped that ninth season, I think the nostalgia for the show just sort of grew. It was just mammoth. And also, you know, you guys know what it's like doing a

show. I mean, you go in, you table read, you rehearse, you have run-throughs, you know, you're in the weeds on it, you're working on it. And also, by the way, during this time, those nine years, I had two kids during this time. So having

young children and sort of juggling these hours, which were long hours, and was it sort of kept my focus elsewhere. I will, I do remember when we were shooting the finale

and we shot the show over at CBS Radford. A little interesting tidbit. You shot your finale on the same stage as Will and Grace. Huh. Bam. Bam. Except weren't you guys, were you shooting Will and Grace at all at the same time we were

or no? I think just the last year maybe, maybe the last year or something. I don't know. And so we were shooting the finale and I remember that they had to put barricades up all along Radford because there were people out there

with telephoto lenses trying to see the actors that were coming in to be guest stars on the finale. Wow. And I remember being so shocked. Like, seriously, who gives a shit? It's just, you know, a bunch of members of SAG are coming through

that are friends. We're doing this and then we're going to have a party and that's the end of it. I mean, it was, that was a moment in which I thought, wow, that's really amazing that people are that invested in it. Julia, I'm like, I'm obsessed with people's

like, you know, beginnings and I know you're probably sick of talking about it, but like, were you funny as a tiny kid and were you like, did you ever like dream, like you watched Carol Burnett and be like, oh my god, I want to be like her and like, like what made you want to like do all of it? Or were you always

did somebody in your family in theater? No, because your dad's like this crazy billionaire agriculture guy. Well, first of all, he's not a billionaire. I always have to say that which I know sounds crazy, but it's out there and it's not true if only it were, but I I don't know. I always like to, yes,

I was, I think, I think that I was funny. I was always trying to make my mom laugh or and shit like that. And I was, and I was in love with there was a period of my life when I was really young where I would watch

I watched The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins and Funny Girl all the time and this was back before they videotaped so you would go to the movies every weekend and I would watch these movies over and over again. And I

remember thinking when I was really little that I just needed I just had to meet Barbara and I knew that if we met each other that we would become such best friends. I just knew it in my heart and

I had the opportunity to meet her decades later we were at the White House Correspondents' Dinner and I saw she was over there and I got to say something and so and I went over

to her and I said, hey Barbara I'm Julie Lou Drivers and I just wanted to tell you just that such a treat to meet you and she said something like no I already told them what I wanted

hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha that's hilarious. No way I swear Did you slither away or did you or did you dig in?

Oh I just went right okay there's nothing like humiliation there's just cannot be overstated how those moments stay with you and they just the good things don't really have the same

stickiness but humiliation is unbelievable. It's kind of fantastic too for comedy so when I was 16 this story is void of any celebrity interaction but I know

I know so I was about 16 and I was in Toronto when I was waiting for a friend and I was leaning against a tree and I was right in this part of Toronto where all these college students are and these three college students come walking along two guys and a girl

and the guy closest to me and I'm 16 I'm like smoking right poorly trying to look cool waiting for a friend and they walk by me and the guy closest to me without breaking stride just turns out of the conversation

he's having with his friends and he goes what's up cool guy and then keeps walking and my entire my spine came out of my body and I was so humiliated he had seen me trying so hard in that moment and I was so humiliated I love it

and this guy has no idea he wouldn't remember the next day that he said and he stayed with me you know I think you sound amazing very cool so embarrassing I remember and I know this is a panel of men but I don't give a shit

I remember when I got my period when I was really young me too and I think I was like 11 or 12 and there was a dance and I went to an all girls school so there was some dance with the boys school

and this was and I'm sorry guys I have to I was going to say there was a herd of dogs following you to the dance and so and I was wearing a sanitary sanitary pad

and so you know that thing is bulky and I remember walking into the school and I seen my friends and they knew I just got my period it was such a big deal and I sort of did this sumo squat and started walking over to them to be funny and

I just remember all the girls going oh like that is so cool and did you got all the way through the dance like what did you do well I can tell you one thing there's not one boy who has made a dance at that dance but you stayed the whole time

did you say that your girlfriend said that it was cool or it was gross or did they laugh or not no they didn't laugh they didn't think it was funny they thought I was thank god you did yeah although you know I didn't think it was funny when I got no reaction

you know and I made this really you know I was like and walking around squatting but didn't stop you from being bold and courageous your whole life by making a fool out of yourself which is like the key to humor

being willing to embarrass yourself or you know pull your pants down figuratively yeah I mean you really do have to it's true you do have to take that risk and sometimes you have to live with the failure of that risk which will

undoubtedly happen time and time again but you must do that going back to the funny humiliating stories they're my favorite those in medical stories I love because I have tons I almost died two years ago when my small intestine burst open

in the middle of the night and I went to Cedars drove myself Scotty my husband hates when I say that because I didn't want to wake him and so I drove up to the valet at Cedars sign a hospital through my keys at the valet and he's like what I go just to park it anywhere and I go in and I'm bent over

with my stomach and the guy goes what's wrong I go I don't know fucking no I'm here I'm asking you I want to ask you yeah and what's the problem I don't know my stomach I feel like I'm dying and they did all these tests and like oh you need emergency surgery right away and my small part of my intestine burst open

and was like polluting my whole body and then I went on doctor Oz to talk about it and he said in my entire history I've never ever seen this well first of all let me say one thing yeah dr. Oz should not be your doctor correct

oh shit nor should you let him inside your body to look around I don't know he was just on his showed he's not the guy there are those who say not me but there are those who say that he's a quack Sean yeah what anyway so I love medical stories but back to humiliating stories which I think I probably

just how is that different than an appendix by the way yeah yeah how is that but appendix is a different part of your body and I don't understand how your small intestine burst and does this mean you need a class to be back show show your bag but shut so Sean you want to see my scar you want to see my scar yeah are you on the operating table

and as you're on the table you go book me on dr. Oz so wait you can see like a you can see like a little hole there I can't see anything section really oh wait a minute I had a C section I have two dogs but I didn't think

that's how I got them Scotty I look just like one he always says let's try I'm like it's not gonna happen and well and behold here I am oh it makes quarantine go by faster having three kids so listen especially through C

section so the hospital no nobody knows what caused my small intestine to burst open nobody knows that's the thing to this day they don't know they don't know there's no answer you don't know how to prevent it from possible and the surgeon who's incredible saved my life he's

in the hospital room after I'm done you know after I'm recovering and the nurses in there and you know he's like okay we're gonna release you you know this is after like four or five days we're gonna release you tomorrow make sure you don't drink alcohol and the surgeon standing behind him going don't worry about it you can totally drink

I'm like really and he's like yeah and you probably shouldn't eat like sharp things like potato chips and the surgeon's like go ahead you can eat potato chips was this still while you were down in Mexico with the after the eye surgery you yes and Sean

is Dr. Phil still your therapist yeah he's actually here now we have to wrap this up soon so no I so I love medical stories if you have one chime in other than your horrible breast cancer and I'm so glad you're doing well but I also

like humiliating stories like like theater stories I have a thousand of them like things that gone wrong wrong in a theater or auditions that have gone wrong do you have any of those because I live for them yeah I do you have any terrible podcast stories I have a terrible

pod no I don't I am so many of these stories I don't even know where to start okay so first of all I'm gonna start I'll tell you this story so I'm giving birth to my first child I weigh

160 pounds I am completely I'm at Cedars I'm completely naked I've got the thing around my yeah I got the thing around my stomach you know that it's

monitoring everything it's unnecessary for you to be so naked no it's not no it's not to have the baby you have and I go I'm in the bathroom you know I cannot believe I'm dying laughing

look and I just told you I almost died because of my stomach yep so I go into the bathroom and I and because I've been there for a while I was a long long labor with this one and all of a sudden my there's bloody show and there's my

water is just broken and so I've so I'm sort of I'm sort of over the toilet once again squatting like I was earlier this is kind of my signature and I'm like this you know sort of squatting like that great and this nurse

comes in and she looks at me and she goes it lain no way oh my god oh my god is that awful or what it's right up there with my first and only

Kalanik where I walked in the office door and this sweet woman says justine's brother no way I kind of nodded politely and she said go ahead take him down and get up there on that table and I'll be in in a minute

so you know did you go through with the Kalanik? I sure did but I didn't look through the the aquarium window anything come out like you've heard like there was a small bike license plate

potato chips golf, T, N, W, O, L, F a lot of pointy foods and alcohol yeah I want to know like a theater or something yeah so long long time ago I auditioned for

about last night do you remember that movie? yeah demi more Rob Lowe yeah yeah exactly and for the part that demi more part but the other part that played

by Elizabeth Perkins I believe oh yeah anyway and so I had this audition and with the directors Mitch Herskovitz and the other Marshall Herskovitz and oh yeah sorry

Edzwick thank you apologies to all and so I go into the audition and as I get there demi more is leaving and she does a little twirl and a giggle and everybody laughs and she laughs

and then she exits and she's stunningly beautiful and she has obviously nailed this audition so I go in and I read and I am so I want this job so badly usually when I really want a job I don't get it

a thousand percent yeah never and so I read and I do not read well because I want the job too much I saw her nail it I was thrown everything I just got and I went home and I knew I'd done really badly and I

was so upset and I thought you know what I'm going to write them a letter and I'm going to say dear Ed and Marshall Marshall you know I'm so I hope you're well thank you for the opportunity letting me read for you I really

feel as if I did it wasn't my best in the audition and I really appreciate the opportunity to come in again and so I can really show you what I can do this is a train wreck and I take this letter and I go back to this hotel

and I give it to the concierge person to put into their thing I leave and lo and behold next day I get another audition isn't that nice of them wow for the same part different part no same part the snarky friend that's all I ever get

and so I go in at this point I'd be twice as nervous I'd be petrified now that's right and that's what I was Jason so thank you for that and I walked in and I

read worse than I read the first day it was as if I couldn't you know like you're holding the pages and you can't stop looking and I'm afraid to even bring my head up so that I have eye contact so they can even see my face

so I just keep it down on the page you should have brought your eyes up crossed and then you should have handed them your sad card just excuse yourself oh you poor thing that's so funny it's brutal isn't it it's the worst

it's so hard back to your having giving birth and the woman says Elaine I was driving home from a taping of Will and Grace and there is a man in the middle of the street lying there

and as I was approaching the car in front of me just drove around him and kept driving and I was like oh my god there's this man so I pull over and just before I get out I'm thinking is this one of those you know scams

where I'm supposed to get out and then he comes out of somewhere and jumps me and takes my car or whatever but I'm like no it's worth it so I got out and the guy had just been shot and I was like oh my god I took my shirt off and I put it on the wound

with my phone and then by then some other people had come out and I wait till the ambulance gets there and I'm like you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine and the first guy gets out of the ambulance and goes just Jack and I'm like

and I'm like well there's a man and I'm shirtless I'm like there's a man dying in the middle by the way the end of the story is great he lived everything's fine and he was great

but isn't that insane that is insane did your small intestine burst again that was the first time this was before that my large one went as a precursor but wait a minute I wanna know

do you ever get to the point where because you do work so much and you've done so many amazing things and you're brilliant truly in all of them do you ever get to the point where you're like man this show business thing is exhausting I wish I could do blank

I wish you know if I had more time which we do now and you're very active politically did you do deep because you were political or did deep make you political I was political so is there something you wanna do maybe in that vein have you always dreamed about that

or anything like what's the plan I don't have any other skills so I need to keep doing this because otherwise it's gonna be a problem I need to keep working does that freak you out or do you challenge yourself

to think of other things that you enjoy or you know what I mean there are other things I enjoy in life but in terms of like a job you know I need to I need to work as an actor that's what I like to do and really it's the only thing I can really

do what about the skills that you've gained while being an actor there in the entertainment business like your knowledge of all the other fields and positions directing producing writing I sort of count all that together

producing is something I definitely enjoy doing and do do and maybe potentially I'll direct at some point but I don't know I'm not sure about that a friend of mine asked me if I had to think of a if I had to choose a job

any other job there were blue collar job I'm like why blue collar just pick it I would be like a landscape artist I would do something with landscaping is that weird did I just lose everybody Gardner would be blue collar

landscape is white collar Gardner I would be a Gardner even mow and blow crew yeah why not I'm gay mow and blow would be easy I think I would work in an airport in what capacity I was a baggage handler when I was a teenager really

was it interesting or not really let me just say this if you're worried that they're going to throw your bags around worry no more because they it was like fragile fragile means extra hard

Julia what job would you do in the airport would you drive the truck that pushes the plane back no I would drive the go kart that takes the old people to the gate through the terminal with the constant beeping and the light

right excuse me excuse me let me tell you something Will and I cool job Will and I went to Istanbul and when we landed we got that service because we were assholes and in the airport at Istanbul Turkey were like had to be millions

of people and we were we were moving through that crowd the asshole Americans at one mile an hour excuse me everybody hated the shit out of us why were you in Istanbul were you there on a vacation

yeah we could have walked faster we could have walked faster we did so many of those stupid things in Istanbul remember the huge pepper shaker we came out with this huge pepper shaker that's 19 feet tall Sean's like to the waiter like I have to sorry we need this for a photo

I was like this is my job but anyway so I I'm obsessed with you I have been forever and I wish I was your friend closer I know we are but I wish I was at your house

we're not really friends oh you just cut up so I have fond memories about us working together and you being blind on the rest of development that was so much fun Jason that was so much fun

Maggie Leiser yeah wasn't I Cherith or Char what was the name I came up it was Cherith right the name of my character was it

yeah I think I gave you some fake name you were bad at coming up with a name and you said Cherith I'm not like the rest of development aficionado or anything I just remember that but that was so much fun I wanna I'd love to work with you again I wanna at least hang out with you again

so when you come back to Los Angeles don't duck me I'm gonna listen I am on the lookout for this next best thing so if you think of anything good let me know and we'll make it correct I think we are

hey guess what oh is this it but seriously I'm not fucking around I'm not kidding I really mean that in a wide net like that I think that that's good why not by the way that's the key that right there Jason

you wanted to know how do people get successful cause you're always worried like how do other how do people get successful you ask it's because they put it out there she puts that out there in a very general way not like I need this but just out there I'll send you something that's pretty great and then is that true and then stuff happens it's 100%

true oh good I can't wait to read it do it or pass I don't care I'll keep sending you shit life I believe is 100% what you put out there is it's all vibrational whatever you put out is what you get back 100% of the time that's a lock I totally agree with that it's fun to work with people

that you like needless to say and who are funny and all three of you guys are maybe one or two of you are funnier than others but I won't I mean just to be I'm working on it though I try but

so having said that I really do we've got a podcast we'd love for you to come on but we'd want to put you on the spot do you think about it it feels kind of like a radio show what's the concept it's really nothing we just kind of sit around it's a podcast about nothing and I don't know

if you'd be interested in that but don't answer yet don't answer yet okay I'm thinking about it just FYI I don't really do podcasts so I don't want you to take it personally if I pass no no worries of course no worries at all it's a lot of effort

but it's been great talking to you anyway yes nice to catch up okay bye honey love you thank you bye Julia that was great great guest Sean I love her I've been such a big fan of hers and you know she was like

21 when she did SNL 21 and pulled out of college to do it and or she quit college I guess I don't know but she pulled herself out she pulled herself out and then God sign fell shortly after that I think it's just and so grounded

I don't know how I know I could have gone much much deeper much more serious with her but I was starting to feel like I want you guys are both friends with her though right you guys hang out I'm not I wish I was I thought you were I wish I was I mean one of your friends

one of your friends oh I see one of the friends and sometimes your jobs a joke you're broke your love life's D.O.A you guys also be there for you when you get older yeah at your friend which reminds me yeah I'm not this is not a bit I mean it is going to seem like a

bit but this is totally true yesterday I heard and I said to Alessandro was like I have to say this to Sean because Sean's gonna love because what came on the radio I swear to God was if I could turn back down if I could find

my way Jesus God till the day I die but fucking I heard it yesterday and I thought of Sean and I knew that we had a show today and I turn back down oh wait Sean

are you famous for doing share or something like that why'd you think of Sean that's alright you a big fan so get to know your friend we're gonna do an episode we're gonna do one episode it's just the three of us we're just gonna find out what we don't know about each other

hang on I'm very embarrassed are you truly known for doing a share yeah one of the most famous episodes of Will and Grace's when Cher came on and I imitated her tell me what Will and Grace is okay so so you'd think it would be like a Will like where there's a Will there's a way and the Grace

of something but it's actually two people is one a preacher one is a gay guy and one is a straight woman and they're perfect for each other although they can't be together well they're perfect for each other was that the idea has this been picked up I swear to God it's just a script it's just a script

it's not in the bubble I swear to God I never knew it was that they were perfect for each other so wait a minute let's cut all of that they were equally annoying yeah it was like a poles like a negative or north and south or something like

that and something like that well cut it Sean don't worry Rob dude send me a version where it's not cut um yar okay so wait until next time miss you already guys okay love you guys bye

bye can we stop that being our goodbye smart smart smart