SmartLess - "Nikki Glaser"

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

It’s Nikki Glaser and she’s here to stay. Roasts, recycled jokes, existential dread, anonymity, goal lists, and Dave Matthews. “Did you touch my sprinkles?” It’s an all-new SmartLess. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

Hey everybody. Uh, it's a podcast. It's smart lists and you have hosts, Sean, Will, Jason. Here comes here. It comes here. Oh yeah. Welcome to smart. You know I said to Scotty yesterday, I said, you know these... Can we guess?

Can we guess what you said to Scotty yesterday? Well, you go first, I'll go second. Did you touch my sprinkles? Jay do you have a guess? I'm still writing it but it's it's somewhere in the Star Wars Star Trek fight canon you know. No I said to him concept cars they... Should we put a loveseat in the toilet? they... Should we put a loveseat in the toilet? No, I said concept cars are such a waste of time because they're such a tease. Like, they're these really cool cars and they never make them.

It's like, why don't they just make them? Sometimes they do and they take pieces of them. I feel like that Tesla super truck, whatever the hell it is, it looks like an absolute joke rolling around the roads. Oh, you mean the douche identifier? Douche is you guys. We had a feeling you were a dick and now it's confirmed.

Yeah, it looks like a silver 80s tank or something. I love it. It's so distracting. I love it because you do get to see, you're like, where are all the douche bags? There they are, there's one there, then you can just stay away. It does look like a concept car,

and then they went to production on it. It's like, oh. It's the dumbest. But some of the concept cars that all these companies make, they're so cool. And then you're like, well, okay, well, where do you get one of those? And they never make them.

It's like couture. Oh, sorry, Jason, go ahead. Well, so what where do you get one of those? And they never make them. Sure. It's like couture. It's like a tea. Oh, sorry, Jason, go ahead. Well, so what they do in the fashion world is they'll go ahead and they'll make stuff just for the fashion show. This Henley, for instance, can't be found. Jason, I'm gonna, and Will, please come by,

but you're gonna be in New York. Amanda and Maple are coming over for dinner next week. What? Wow. Yeah. dinner next week. What? Wow. Yeah. God damn it. What night? Wednesday, come over.

I'll be gone by then. Wonderful, wonderful. Jay, would you say you're at the cutting edge of fashion, by the way, because I noticed you wearing some rag and bone jeans, which reminded me of 2011, and I thought, here's my guy. Listen, things are great back here in 2011. Anyway, listen, we could do this forever all day

and I'm sure our guest is just riveted by what we're saying. I can tell you something that I am. I'm riveted when she's performing. I am riveted and by riveted, I mean generally laughing the entire time. I think it's so rare when, or it's so special when a performer comes along That just kind of constant every time you see them they exceed expectations And then they just surprise you with their comedy

She is somebody who makes you laugh from moment one and then the next it's not Cher And she makes you laugh in ways that you're like an end She has that unique thing also of every time you hear a joke not only you're laughing you're thinking I can't believe I didn't think of that. It's so brilliant and it's and it's and she keeps topping herself She's had a million specials. She had a new special. Sorry. What color is her hair? Well She has a new special that just came out on HBO Max or whatever they call it on May 11th but she really, really rocked herself this year in the ultimate roast of Tom Brady. You guys, it's the none other than the most hilarious Nikki Glaser.

Oh my gosh. Nikki Glaser. There she is. Good morning. Hi guys. Wait, are you in the back of a coffee shop? Where are you? I'm at the Comedy Store podcast studio.

Truly? I'm visiting LA and I wasn't going to fuck around with you guys. I wasn't going to trust my wifi at my hotel. I needed like a real studio. This is the real deal. You're not an Angelino? No, I live in St. Louis. So you moved back to St. Louis full time?

I did, I did. I went back during COVID just to hang out with my parents and my family, and then it lifted and I was just like, no one even knows I'm here. I can just go to LA and people in LA think I'm in New York and people in New York think I'm in LA. Isn't the crime rate huge there?

Yeah, in certain parts. Alright, wonderful. Oh, wait, Sean, like, combing the internet for... I just read that about St. Louis. We have the highest crime, but it's really... That can't be true. That's got to be like a per capita qualifier. Well, Nikki, what's the number one crime that's going on there?

Probably carjackings and murder. Carjackings and murder. Well, I guess that's going on there? Probably carjackings and murder. Carjackings and murder. Well, I guess that's alarming. It's not errors at third base. You know, you got that Nolan Ariando over there. You know, good for you. Yeah, but you just got to avoid parts of town. But it's a segregated city.

It's not the greatest for that. So you just, yeah, we still have issues in St. Louis. Can we revisit my lesson on Kansas? Kansas City and Missouri? Yeah, because I was so shamed by it. I went into sort of a blackout and I don't really remember what I learned. Just real quick.

You know, it should be fast. Kansas City is in Kansas or in Missouri? It's both. So it straddles the border between the two states. Kansas City is in Kansas or in Missouri? Both. So it straddles the border between the two states. Oh no, I thought there were two separate ones, no? You see? Wait, I think there's two separate, I don't even know. But they're kind of next to each other, they are.

They are, they're really. Everybody sounds gray on this, just like me, so I'm not so dumb. It's confusing, I don't know if it's one that's separate, but I know, I think they're separate. They have to be separate because they are in different, you can't have a city cut in two. Today, Kansas City can.

Maybe you can. What about Minneapolis? Wait, what? It's not up there. It's not up there. Okay, so it says, I just Googled it. It says it remains two separately incorporated cities. They're right across from each other.

Wait, say it again, Sean. It says it's two separately incorporated cities, but together, along with a number of other cities and numbers, as part of the Kansas City Metropolitan Area. Separately incorporated? They're next to each other. Is there a picture of it, Sean? Does it straddle the border?

Let me see. Yeah. And if so, like where? Partially there's a river in between them, and then partially it just goes right down state lines. One has the chiefs and one has meth. I don't know, I can't tell. One has meth, one has the Chiefs.

Well wait, who has the Royals? I think that's, I think, wait, Missouri claims that. They're both Missouri. Missouri has the Royals. Wait, no, it's Kansas, wait, no, no. Kansas, oh my God. It's Kansas City, Missouri is the one that's like everyone knows about.

And Kansas City, Kansas is next to it. It's not fair. Right, so Kansas City, Missouri is the one that's like everyone knows about Kansas City Kansas is next to it Yeah, it's not fair right so Kansas City, Missouri is for the Chiefs Kansas City Kansas is probably for the Royals correct. I don't is that true Sean boy. It's on the border Can I tell you something right now? I never learned how to read a map No, they both play they also play in in Missouri just for what it's worth they they all are in, Missouri It's Missouri. Yes Other side st. Louis is on one side and Kansas City is on the other and I did get started in comedy in Kansas City So I know I should know I went to school in Kansas at Lauren University of Kansas. Oh, I don't know these things. Yeah

Okay, okay. Yeah, it's not that's not Kansas University though home of of the Jayhawks. Wait, no it is. No, it's University of Kansas. But they say KU. It's, not a thing makes sense where I'm from. I don't really like, I gotta get out of there. I'm second guessing everything. Hey guys, can I just take a poll? You mean this podcast?

Do we feel satiated on this? Do we feel good? Yeah, I feel good about it. JB, how are you? I'm still a little confused. I'm gonna do a separate Google later. Okay, go. Nicky, obviously we want to get to the roast

because it's interesting. You've talked about it ad nauseam. You must be so fucking sick of it. Well, it's not gonna be boring to me because I haven't seen it yet. Oh, really? Okay, good. I saw it. You were like... You were incredible.

I mean, it was terrible. The very first time I met you was on the Rob Lowe. No, but I made a big impression. It was the Alec Baldwin one, clearly. Oh yeah, the Alec Baldwin one, yes. And you said one of the funniest jokes about me, and I still repeat it today to friends. What did I say? You said, you said, deliver, it was delivered perfectly, you said,

Shawn Hayes, oh my gosh, Will and Grace was the best you could do. I, uh... Oh my gosh, Will and Grace was the best you could do. I... I love this. I recycled that joke. You did? Yeah, because that's a good one that you can just use for anything.

Like, yeah, I talk about, like, I've been about my boyfriend and, you know, we break up and date other people and then I look back at him and I just think, oh my God, like, after dating all these guys, I'm just like, he's the best, I can do. And that's it. So I've realized that I've recycled that one.

Yeah, that works. But I fanned out on you backstage, I just think you're hysterical. Oh, I'm such an, when you fanned out, that meant a lot to me. Well thanks. But it's true, these roasts, they've become a place to discover people, but I feel like you were already discovered, but for some reason, these roasts, they become a place

to discover people, but I feel like you were already discovered, but for some reason, this last one, everybody acts like they found you, but it's Nikki Glaser, she's been around forever, and she's been brilliant forever. So what did that feel like to be like, wait, I've been here, what are you guys all talking about? I didn't feel that way, I kind of was like,

yeah, I've never been like, yeah, this, I've never been like, when is everyone gonna notice? And I just kind of, I really just take what comes to me and I never really wanna like fight for people to care about me. I want people to care about me on their own time. Yeah, yeah. So I've kind of been like, okay, when they do, they do.

And felt pretty relaxed about it, but this was, I mean, it was insane. It was just like kind of an overnight thing that I never expected would happen in my career. I've always expected it just to be very slow and gradual. And I kind of liked the level of fame I had achieved. It's comfortable, I'm not that recognizable. My life isn't like disrupted by it ever, but there's some perks to it.

And I want for nothing. and I'm just good. It's like I can say no to things if I want, but now it's like, it was a huge bump overnight. And I'm sure you guys have experienced that in your careers as well. And it's just... I've had a lot of bumps. He's had a lot of bumps. Yeah.

He took a lot of bumps. Sometimes I put them all together and make a nice fat fly. Sure. Sure. Oh, I remember the fly. Sure, sure. Oh, I remember the days. So, Nikki, do you find like now you're at the airport and people are like, roast me, burn me. Yeah.

They don't say that, thank God, because it would be so mean coming out right away. And sometimes I will go there, but no, thank God they don't do that. They just say, did we go to camp together? You know that kind of thing. Like, where do I know you? Because I usually look like shit when I'm traveling. So I don't really look that recognized.

I really do not look the same. I always steal that line that Dax said years ago, and I use it all the time. People go, when they have that moment of confusion, they go, I think I know you. And I go, yeah, I used to work at Subway around the corner Everyone's frequented a subway. Yeah, they're like and they're like maybe maybe a sandwich Old to be working in the don't you guys the reason I've never seen a roast I think is because I some I get yeah, I get so tight because I think that poor person is gonna have all these very good-natured jokes, right?

They're hard-hitting jokes, but the whole everybody knows the game here is that we're gonna like say nasty things about it. But like for the most part that person doesn't know these people. And so like where do these... I just don't know how that goes down okay for the subject. I think you have you can opt to not be a part of it. And when you opt to be a part of it... You can say no to it, sure. You know that... But can you say no to even to being there?

Like basically not be attending your funeral effectively. No, no, no, no. You have to be there. I think you have to be there. Yeah, that'd be weird if you're like, hey, let's just have a night where we shit on Knowing that he's at home going like what the fuck Although it'd be pretty funny. Yeah

The person has to like pretend to laugh the whole time Yeah, and yeah kind of like okay like your feelings do get hurt like you can go in thinking Oh, they're only gonna go this far and then they go further I know I've seen it happen where they don't plan on you going there Like you can go in thinking, oh they're only gonna go this far, and then they go further. I know I've seen it happen where they don't plan on you going there. And they don't think, they just think. And that's really the only way to get to the huge laughs too is when it gets super uncomfortable, right?

Of course. Yes. And to say that, like I went some places on the Tom Brady roast that I thought other people would go to and they didn't, and I was the only one that kind of said those names or brought up those subjects that were Kind of sore for him and you and it is crazy like I've seen old rose clips of like I don't like to watch myself

So when I would come up on my own feet, I'm like get out of here But when I was preparing for this roast I was like, okay try to channel what you've done in the past You've done you got to watch what people like about you I don't even you know, I just do it and then I don't watch it again So I'm just like watch it again and see what you bring you know, I just do it and then I don't watch it again. So I'm just like, watch it again and see what you bring to this. Because it had been four years since I'd done one. So I watched one and I was like,

who the fuck do you think you are saying this to people? You told Alec Baldwin all of this? Like what? Like I just didn't recognize this girl. And I'm like, she's got balls, but she's also like a psychopath. Like I just didn't, I really didn't, I couldn't believe that I did it,

but I was like, I guess I have to channel that again. And you really just, they're set, Tom Brady's just set in your periphery a little bit back enough that you can't really see him when you're performing. So it helps. Does anybody know if any of these roasts have ever gone wrong where the subject just like says,

whoa, whoa, whoa, fuck you and gets up and leaves. I read the Tom Brady thing, right, a little bit. I just kind of read little blurbs. Was he upset? Do you know? Yeah, I think he said that he, in hindsight, kind of regrets it. I don't really, he doesn't regret, he's glad he did it, but he didn't know that we would go some places.

I don't really know how he feels about it, but I totally see what he means, because I think you go into these things thinking that they're,. I don't really know how he feels about it, but I totally see what he means. Because I think you go into these things thinking that they're, you just don't know what people will dig up about you and see in you when they study you and look at your face that way. No one's ever gotten up and stopped it in the middle of it and just like left and just gotten pissed.

I think there was one joke at a Comedy Central one where it was about, it was like a Paul Walker joke that Ludacris was there and he's friends with him obviously and he got up and like walked off stage I think there was but they cut it later. I think there was something like that that Yeah, you know one of my favorite was I don't know what happened to her. She was so funny Lisa lampanelli She was really really funny and then she quit. she quit. Yeah, did she really what happened? She does self. She does like self help talks now So she's like a motivational speaker now, but she got out of it because she was like it's too mean

Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, right. She was one of the best she was one of the best She one of my favorite jokes that she said during the roast of William Shatner was she was going through his His credits, you know, and she goes remember TiVo when before you know, and she goes, remember TiVo, when before DVRs, there was TiVo. Yeah, we got it. And it made, if you liked something, it would suggest other things, you know? And so she goes up there and she goes,

yeah, William Shatner, I tried to TiVo TJ Hooker once, and TiVo suggested I punch myself in the cunt. See, that's great. That's a great joke. It's been off the air for a while. You can have some distance. Hey Sean, was Scotty just in a violent rage throughout the whole William Shatner roast?

He didn't watch that, right? He watched it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he enjoyed it. He wasn't happy about it. And Betty White, Betty White was on the panel and she got told like really crass jokes. It was so funny to see Betty White tell crass jokes. Yeah, I loved, one of my old, like from one of the early ones that was on Comedy Central years ago was

something about Andy Dick. I forget who said it, it might have been Jeff Ross. I wanted to fuck Andy Dick with Bea Arthur's dick. Is that what it was? Yes, yes, yes. have been Jeff Ross. I wouldn't fuck Andy Dick with Bea Arthur's dick. Is that what it was? Fucking great. And then they cut to Bea Arthur like, what? Yeah, the reaction shots are always the best.

That really sells it too, is that you gotta have the person that you're making fun of when they're cutting to them live, that really will make or break what people thought of your joke. If they're laughing along. We'll be right back. All right, back to the show.

So how did you first get, were they just like, hey, listen, who's a really, who's got a really shitty disposition? Nikki Glaser, let's get her in here. Yeah, she's a really, she's really mean to people. Yeah, it started early. Like, I remember I wrote, you know, jokes for people who were doing the roast early on, and then I did... Jeff Ross had a show called The Burn on Comedy Central, and I had a show on Comedy Central at the time,

so they threw me on that, and I had a really good showing on that. I just knew it was a place that I would really excel, and I needed to prove myself to Comedy Central for them to even consider me. So I would really excel and I needed to prove myself to Comedy Central for them to even consider me. So I worked really hard to do that TV show and I did a great showing and then,

and then people don't really wanna do Rose. So it's like, you know, they probably asked Whitney Cummings that year, they asked Amy Schumer and then they, Natasha Leggero and they probably didn't wanna do it and so they called up me and last minute, you know, you get booked like a week before, and you go, okay, and then you have a good one,

and then they ask you back the next time, and every time I kind of go, I don't know if I want to do this, because it's so much work, and I would really, I would always have like a mental breakdown right before it, and think, what am I doing? I'm going to bomb, and like cry, and have panic attacks about it.

I don't know if you guys relate to that, where you say yes to things, and then you do them, and you go, don't, I don't know if you guys relate to that where you say yes to things. And then you do them and you go, don't, I'll never do this again. JB, tell her our rule that Matt Damon taught us. What? Which is, and you should apply this. Well, it was Ben who told Matt who told,

but he said, if somebody asks you to do something, and you can start using this from this moment forward, Nikki, if somebody asks you to do something. Like two months down the line, you know, hey... He's like, six months, come and show up at this thing. Say to yourself, ask yourself, would I want to do it tomorrow? Oh, that's so good. If you don't want to do it tomorrow, say no.

It's unbelievably effective. You know what, I would even though, I would go, do you want to do it now? Sure, great. Because even tomorrow, sometimes I'm like, I'll be different tomorrow. But yeah, I'm always, I'll be different tomorrow. But yeah, I'm always, that's such a great,

but this though, I need time to prepare, so I don't know how to answer that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what asked me, I always want to do it because I'm like the exposure, the potential of it, and then you get in it and it's like destroying my relationships, destroying my life, it's making me self-doubt all the time,

and then it's over and I'm like, that was the greatest. I can't wait to do it again. And then everyone in my life goes, what do you mean you wanna do that again? But this time around, I actually implemented a system where I was happy the whole time and I know how to do it now and I can't wait to do it again. But the three before destroyed my life.

I totally relate to that. And obviously none of us, the three of us is a standup. But anytime I'm asked to kind, and obviously none of us, the three of us is a standup, but I, anytime I'm asked to kind of go and host something, you know, charity thing or whatever. That's not much work. A, it's a lot of work, but B, every single time I do it, I become a bigger and bigger grouch leading up to the day,

leading up to the moment, and I'm fucking in the worst place. And then you do it, and everybody's, and it works, and you're like, that was fucking great, and everybody in your life is like, fuck man, you were a dick for the last two weeks. Yes, it's the dread. Every time. People have told me that no one hates

what they are going to do more than you all the time. And then when I do it, even when I'm like about to go, when I'm on stage with a microphone, having the time of my life, unless I'm like, bomb, you know, like, so something's totally wrong. But as soon as I'm on stage with a microphone, having the time of my life, unless I'm like, something's totally wrong. But as soon as I'm performing, I'm in it, I'm doing great, but dread constantly up until that moment. And I think that's just, I don't know the way it goes.

Nikki, do you allow yourself to think, because you were saying earlier, you're really happy with where you find yourself. Like you've got an amount of relevance that you really enjoy, but also a nice amount of anonymity, where you can go to the grocery store, et cetera, et cetera. Do you allow yourself to think forward a year, five years, 10 years?

Do you allow yourself to think about goals and stuff like that? Where do you wanna go? No, and I wanna ask you guys about it too. Do you have goals or do you just keep saying yes to things as you go? And see where it takes you? Because I kind of just say yes to where it takes me.

And I think as a kid I had to. If you look at my credits, you see that I say yes to a lot of shit. We do a lot of switch backing, you know? We don't go right up the hill. This is for another podcast, but I'm a freak about goal setting and writing them down and

all that stuff. You are. For years and years and years. Are you teasing a new podcast right now, Sean? What's it called? That's exciting. Neto may be a part of it. Are we producing it with you?

No, no. Sean is a task master. Our joke is, Sean takes, if an email comes to the three of us about some sort of business thing, within 12 seconds before he thinks of his answer, he's responded. Yeah, I like to just check it off my list, though. I don't like to have anything in my inbox. I'm just...

Me too. I have an absolutely clean inbox. Really? Yeah. And I'm like, I need 24 hours to think about it. I'm like, I'm not answering you. And then someone needs to text me, hey, you need to respond to that email.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I do. My email has just moved to texting. Nikki, so for the goal-less thing, the goal-less thing, since I'm like 22, 23 years old, I've been writing down goal-less, and they're stream of conscious goal-less. I'll write down on paper, I'll go one, two, three, and I'll just number it as they come in my head.

There's the stupidest things like, I gotta lose five pounds, I gotta visit my mom more, I gotta make it, I gotta connect with this person about this project. You can cross that one off. Yeah, exactly, my mom passed away. So, but. Shit.

My mom died like four or five years ago, it's hilarious. Anything in there about your dad's license plates? I didn't say it wasn't sad. Yeah, no, it was very sad, but you gotta laugh. I'm just saying that's the last thing that you have to do. Right, but anyway, so. I'm just saying that's the last thing that you have to do. Right. But anyway, so I would do all these things, and then at the bottom I put lifetime goals.

This is like when I was 22, 23, I'm like, I want to host Saturday Night Live, I want to be a David Letterman, I want this, blah, blah, blah. And I went to therapy like years ago, and he goes, don't tell me a catastrophe happened. I go, what? He goes, they all came true. I go, every single thing on my list came true. And that's always... Yeah, so I got real depressed

because it was bad. Because then what's the point? What do you do next? Yeah, what's the point a little bit? So then you have- Do you make new ones? Yeah, so then, I mean- Buy a rope, buy a chair.

Find a beam, find a beam. Throw the rope over the beam. Kick the chair out. Regret it immediately. Try to get the rope off to no avail. Regret it immediately. And as I the rope off to no avail. As I'm doing it, I'm still checking it off. I'm not checking it right now. Try to yell to Scotty, but my windpipe is... With your toe on the desk. By the way, Sean, I noticed something about the way that you described. You sounded like you were from Brooklyn. You you go, since I'm 22. It's almost like that.

Since I'm 22 years old. And he said the most obvious thing in the world, but it isn't obvious until you hear somebody say it. He was like, well, you just gotta make new ones. And I was like, oh yeah, I guess I just gotta keep thinking. But then I've been trying to manifest stuff, and I'm doing these manifest meditations where it's like, just picture your life

with the thing you want. Feel that it's already happened and then you drift off to sleep and you try to get the feeling, not that you're doing the thing, but that you live in a world in which this is what you do, it's already happened. What is it, like Esther Hicks?

It's, what is his name? Neville Goddard, Neville Goddard. That's how everyone says his name on the YouTube. But yeah, please help. Yeah, no, here's a crazy story I have really fast if these guys will let me tell it. So it's when I... Are you going back to back? Yeah.

Yeah. And then that's it. B2B? You went B2B already? Alright, man. B2B. I thought we left you on the beam. You don't know how to take a hint. Left you on the beam. You don't know how to take a hint. Left you on the beam. Still writing my goals down. Just the sound of a rope.

So anyway, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with the show Soap. Do you remember the show Soap? One of the great sitcoms. So in the opening credits, when they used to rehash the whole story of the show in the opening credits over and over every week, they would say, these are the Tates

and these are the Campbells. And then, and blah, blah, blah, blah, and this is soap, right? And so these are the Tates, these are the Campbells. The Tates were the rich family, the Campbells were the poor family. Or the lower middle class, whatever. So the Tates, they would show this establishing shot

of this beautiful house, this brick house, and this gorgeous neighborhood. I was like, oh my god I grew up shit shit poor Nothing, you know, everybody knows my story. So then I was like I would race to the TV every every week to watch that opening I was obsessed with this house So about eight seven eight years later Scotty and I had a few to drink and we're going on a rabbit hole on YouTube of old openings of like 80s 90s sitcoms, you know, we saw Jason's we saw like like whatever. You know, like Facts of Life and whatever,

The Hogan Family and like Dallas and like, you know, all of them. And I was like, oh, Scotty, we have to YouTube the opening credits of Soap. I was obsessed with this house as a kid. So we opened it and we're like, these are the Tates and these are the Campbells. And the house, right behind mine.

Oh my God. Swear to God. This stuff is real. That you can. When I was a child. The manifesting things. Well, but so then if Nikki, if you're manifest, then you are allowing yourself to dream a little bit

of the future, yeah? And what does it look like? That's what I'm struggling with is like, I kinda like the way things are. And so I have an apartment, I don't own a home. And so I'm like, you know what, I should own a home. So let me just visualize the home I'm in. And then I think about like,

we gotta get these cabinets redone. And then I'm like, oh, I gotta call someone. Like, I'm living in it. And then I go, I gotta call the landscaper. Like, there's so much work that starts happening. I go, I don't want this house. Like, let me take me back to my apartment. So I'm kind of like,

I just really like the way things are now. So I feel, but I have goals of like, SN really like the way things are now so I feel but I have goals of like You know SNL I think is a good goal like hosting SNL. That's a great goal for Right, it's yes, I think it's happened There's I think it's not yet, but there's whisperings. There's whispering I think there's no way that it's not happening. Just knowing how that shit goes and what's out there, there's no way that they're not asking you this fall.

Thank you. Okay, so it's happened. That's the... That's already manifested. So I got, yeah, I don't know what's next, but what about Will and Jason, do you guys goal it up? I do. I mean, I sort of keep an eye on where I'd like

to maybe be headed towards, but it's not that specific. I just want to be challenged with stuff that is right at the edge of what I'm able to handle. And I know that there's gonna be a day soon where I'm like, fuck this. Throttle back and just relax. And so I know that there's gonna be a day soon where I'm like, fuck this, throttle back and just relax. And so I know that's gonna come, so while I'm actually feeling this fuel, why not let it go?

You know, let it, you know, drive towards it. Yeah, I do the same thing, Nikki, that you do, which is... And sometimes I do it super consciously and I actually set out to do it, but I do the same thing of sort of manifesting and I find that I do kind of manifest in real time most of the time. And it's been super, super, super effective for me. I don't know why.

Yeah. And I think I did it, that's why, when I was in high school, I used to just tell my friends, oh, I used to be obsessed with Dave Matthews and my friends all were too. And I would say, oh, I'll just like meet him someday and like get to, I'm gonna tell him like how I feel. And they were like, how would you meet him?

And I'm like, well, I'm gonna be famous. And they were like, what? They just like, I remember their incredulousness of like that I thought that. And it was so obvious to me that that's what was gonna happen and that I'll be in his sphere. I had the same thing about Letterman. I used to watch Letterman at night when I was a kid,

like in the 80s, like in high school, and I'd watch him at 12.30 and I'd think like, I bet you Letterman's gonna think I'm really funny. Yeah. And it worked out. And he does, yeah. And it worked out. Of course he does.

And yeah, that kind of shit, I just, maybe that sort of dumb confidence of youth, I don't know. But... But Nikki, do you want to pursue... I know you've done tons of acting stuff, but is that important to you to pursue that lane as much as stand-up and everything else? Yes and no.

I mean, I think that's what I started pursuing initially in high school when I was like, how am I gonna get... How am I gonna meet Dave Matthews? I gotta get... Yeah. That was my real goal of being on TV, is that's the only way I could be in his sphere. And when I met him, I said the word sphere several times. I tried to be in your, it was really embarrassing. Well, where did that, were you living with,

was your family super encouraging of your humor? And like, was mom and dad funny? Were your siblings like, where did the confidence come from that like, oh you know, if I think of something funny, I should share it because that usually works out. That did not come until way later. So I was like, okay, I'll be an actress.

And I was not getting the parts in school plays. And I didn't even go to like a theater school. So it was like, you know, I was getting Town's Person B and stuff so I was getting feedback like this isn't for you like to act and so I was first not even Townsperson A always B and and I would think I would get the lead and then I'd be at the bottom of the list and I would cry and then I go oh I guess I'll go do field hockey and it was terrible at sports so I was like didn't really but I

was so depressed that it wasn't gonna work out. I auditioned for theater school, didn't get in anywhere, and I was really like, I guess I'll just like, have to kill myself. Like, I really was thinking that, because what's the point of living if you're not gonna be on TV and performing in some way? But I had no way to do it.

I just thought acting's the only way. I had no idea there were other things. I didn't even look into it. I know I couldn't sing or dance. I had no idea there were other things. I didn't even look into it. I know I couldn't sing or dance. I didn't kind of sing. What did your parents do? My dad's in the cable business and my mom was just a homemaker.

And so they were just, they were always supportive and I come from a really funny family and they have great taste in comedy. So I was always consumed. My dad introduced me to Conan when I was in eighth grade and was like, you gotta check out this show. And then that changed my life and Seinfeld I was obsessed with and friends.

I was really, I loved comedy, but I wasn't, stand-up didn't do much for me. I just wasn't even paying attention to it. And then I went to college and I was like, long story short, I had a terrible eating disorder because I was pretty much like, I just want to die. My life sucks and nothing's going the way I want it to. And I have because I was pretty much like, I just want to die. My life sucks and nothing's going the way I want it to

and I have to go to college and figure out what I want to do for a living, but I don't want to do anything except perform and I'm not good at that and everyone tells me I'm not good at it. Like, I was taking voice lessons to be a singer and my voice teacher like took my mom aside and said this is a waste of your money.

She doesn't have it. Like, I was getting, I was getting, the voices were sent to my mom. And so I just was so discouraged, and then I just got an eating disorder that I was like, oh, I'll just die of this. And I really wanted to, I was really, like slowly just dying, and then I was hospitalized, it was right after high school,

and I was going off to college, I was hospitalized over the summer, and then I needed to get out of there, and so I lied, and I was like, I just gotta go away to college, and was hospitalized over the summer, and then I needed to get out of there, and so I lied, and I was like, I just gotta go away to college, and then I can like kind of die off alone without people monitoring what I'm eating.

Oh my God, Nikki, this is awful. It's so sad, it's so sad. But I really was like, what's the point? I just didn't know what the point of life would be if I wasn't a performer, because I also, I wanted, I feel like my parents really pay attention to TV in a way that I always wanted to be paid attention to, and I think that's why I wanted to get on TV,

was that even though they love me so unconditionally, I just didn't feel it. I was just a very sensitive child. Anyway, they're great parents. How did you overcome that moment? How did they prove that they loved you? Sorry, go ahead. Well, they proved they loved, they're still working on it,

but I have theories that they do. But the love seems to amp up a little bit when I bring them to the Tom Brady roast. And that's the thing. You know, like, there's a little bit more of text messages from my mom of, I've always loved you, like final, okay. But wait, that's really,

what an interesting meaning to tell me till now. More than your father does. Yeah. And we will be right back. And now, back to the show. Nikki, what an interesting story. How did you overcome that enormous hunt from high school to college?

You just touch bottom and then just- Well, I was like ready to fucking go. Every night I would be like, please die in your sleep because I was just hungry all the time and it's like you know what? It's like to be hungry Jason and so And so it's uh Yeah, I was I was waiting for that to like just end it because I was cold all the time, I was hungry, I looked insane so I couldn't really make friends because everyone's just like, this girl is like a skeleton

who looks so weird and looks so brittle and I was about to die and my hair's falling out and I'm at my freshman year of college, I don't have any friends and I need to make some. So I think I just turned up my personality a lot just because I looked so crazy, that I needed, the only way to make friends was to be larger than life.

And so I started being funnier. I just like, it just was an adaptive trick. You made yourself funny. I did, because no one would like me otherwise. And then all of my friends, I got friends because it was funny and really outgoing, and all my friends would say, God, when we first saw you, we were like,

who is that girl? And then we kind of forgot that you looked like that because people would go to my friends and be like, we're really worried about her. And they'd be like, we don't even know what you're talking about. Because I did really just overcompensate for how sick I was with my personality.

And that's when people started going, you should be a standup comedian. And once I heard that, I go, okay, what's that? Okay, I mean, I knew what it was, but then I Googled it and I saw Sarah Silverman and then that changed my world. And that was like, okay, I'll just do that. I was gonna say, what was the thing that inspired you to,

as you said, turn it up? What was the thing where, I know you were, your hair was falling out, was you kind of rock bottom, but what made you? I didn't want to be made fun of. I wanted to be the first to make the joke about how thin I was. Or what... I wanted to be so extraordinary in my personality that no one would notice how scary I looked or how concerning...

And so, I think that was it. You know, like the fat kid in school can be the class clown or most... I had never experienced that before, where my looks, like, made people talk about me and whisper about me and make fun of me. I always just in high school wanted to just disappear. I didn't want boys to make fun of me. I just was so scared of any attention. I wanted attention on stage when I told you you could.

But I really was like... People from high school are just like, you are a comedian? Like, I just kind of was... I didn't really... I didn't make big waves in high school. But... And then when I turned it up, that's when people started telling me that. And then as soon as I looked into it, I was like, oh, of course this is it. I've always, I'm like writing comedy. I have, I love comedy and then acting.

The thing I found hard was like being someone else. I really think it was just, I was always trying to run away from who I was. And I finally found something that celebrated. I could say the weirdest things and the darkest things that I was ashamed of into a microphone and then people liked me more because of the things that I hate the most about myself. So that was really cool. Honesty, which is the reason that mental illness exists is because people aren't being honest.

And so that really helped me heal. But the one thing that you did not generate overnight was, I mean, you're obviously really smart. And so that is something that you probably sort of saved you in the end from a lot of stuff was that you're not a dummy. You're really bright. By the way, you lost Sean when you said hungry all the time. Sean looks so confused.

What do you mean? What do you mean? I'm never hungry. I'm never hungry. So then you found then that the thing that was bumming you out internally was actually material. And that that is like, it actually becomes an asset to you. And that vulnerability is one of the huge keys to comedy.

You know, you gotta pull your pants down a little bit. There's nothing funny about no problems. Just say the honest thing. And people can't even believe you're saying it because most people aren't honest at that level. And so whenever I'm on stage and I'm trying a new bit and it's not going well, and I've kind of lost the audience and they know that I know, I just like,

my trick for that is just to stop and just say the honest thing. Yeah, because then it's so healing and you can't lose. And you just go, that bombed, and you guys don't like me anymore, right? And then they laugh so be revealed be revealing too in that way and be vulnerable and JB And I've often said there's nothing funny about a six-pack in that right like no you know what I mean like this It's just not fucking funny exactly because a fuck look how quick will ferrell takes his shirt off It's fucking works every time. It's so good.

I fucking love him for it. But that's the struggle though, because I also wanna be hot. Like listen, we're all funny, but we all care about looking aesthetically. Look at this Henley. Did you get a good look at the Henley shirt? I've heard about this Henley.

Look at that drape. Did Amanda buy that for you? She did. It's good. But yeah, we all care about what people think about how we look, and then people go, but you're funny, you don't need to care. And it's like, well, it is a part of it,

and honestly, I'm being honest when I say I'm insecure about my looks, so that's still part of it for me. I can't help that I do care about my looks, even though you don't need to, you're not a model. First of all, everybody does, and everybody does, no matter what job, and Sean's right, yours should be cute,

but think about it this way. Because of the very nature of what you do, people comment, and we live in a world now where we see those comments, and we hear that stuff so much more readily. So of course, it makes sense that you'd be, when people say that, I remember years ago, some friends from Toronto had grew up with like, oh fuck, Willie, all you actors,

hey, you guys just care about how you look. I'm like, yeah, because everybody's talking about it when you do something, they go, fuck, you look like shit. By the way, I got an on-camera job. Yeah, I got an on-camera job. Okay. And people go like, fuck, man, that guy, Arnett looked like shit in that thing.

You're like, oh, thanks a lot, man. Yeah. They will say, and the comments, it's insane that there are comments under every single clip or video or picture that is of you. David Spade told me a while ago, he was like, you know back when I did the Hollywood Minute

during Weekend Update, that was the only time celebrities got mocked mercilessly for a minute. That was the only time celebrities got like mocked mercilessly for like a minute. That was the only time that celebrities were being made fun of ever because it was just all... Stern used to do it a bit right before that. Right, okay, so there's like two outlets for it. And now it's all people do.

I will say, I like the way that you've offset it. And I was gonna bring this up before when you talked about that you moved back to St. Louis. We had somebody on recently who moved back to the Midwest and it's made me long for, I don't know why recently, I really long for not living on either coast. I've had this sort of dream. It makes me feel kinda good because there is something.

Small town. Yeah, a little bit. There's something kind of. Yeah, but what's that quote? Doesn't matter where you go, there you are. You know? Like, you're gonna feel the same no matter where you go. I agree. Yeah, I'm not looking at it as a remedy for how I'm necessarily feeling.

I'm just talking about my day-to-day experience. Like, what do I want that experience to be? Your environment, yeah. Yeah, you just want to get carjacked a little. Yeah, in the Midwest. Desperate to be. I get what you mean. I'm a workaholic and I lock up my liquor on the coast and I go and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can

go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I can go get it and I coast and I go and I can go get it if I can get A key and like deliberately go get it, but it's not just waiting for me in my room in st Louis I kind of I'm away from work and can and don't have to drive myself crazy with it And I can forget that that's that all that stuff matters When you really are in New York and LA, you get sucked into the machine of like,

you've gotta do more, it's not enough. And comparing yourself more, even though they're all waiting for you on Instagram to compare yourself to, I feel it more here. Which is good sometimes. When I was doing the roast, I was like, I'll go to LA for a month and a half before that to get in the zone of like, competitiveness

and running my set every night and like feeling like I'm not enough and needing to prove myself. But I couldn't do that in St. Louis. I couldn't just fly and do the roast. I would've come with this Midwest ease. I needed to come in strong and insecure. What's your day-to-day like in St. Louis then,

if you're not working? Wake up, go into my podcast room, which is next to my bedroom, do a podcast, then I go to a Pilates class, then I go to Starbucks and pretend to write, and then I, you know, that whole thing, where you open up your laptop and then you just, yeah. That's a whole thing that I love.

Are you working? You guys are too famous to do that now. That's the fame I don't want to be, is like where I can't go to Starbucks still and just sit in a coffee shop. Careful, here it comes. It's coming. I gotta really enjoy it while I got it, but yeah, I just sit there in a coffee shop. Careful, here it comes. It's coming. I gotta really enjoy it while I got it.

But yeah, I just sit there in an online shop and then I go back home and play my guitar a little bit and then I go to a voice lesson. I'm still trying to be a singer, so I just, yeah, and then I go hang out with my parents, hang out with my niece and nephews and then, you know. And that acting desire you said, or just sort of atrophied way back when

and there's no desire there at all? No, there totally is. I think that it would be so fun to do it. But it's, being on set is really exhausting and boring sometimes. Yeah, being on set can be very boring, exactly. But, but what- And on the road is easy for me. I don't even have to think about it.

I just walk on stage. But also just the creative difference of, an actor has to fit lines that were written before they come in. So your job is to fit a pre-existing character in line. As a stand-up, it's the total opposite. You're already there and then you're writing lines to fit you. That's what I like about it.

Yeah, okay. But what about the, I always wait till the last second for everything. So that doesn't work in acting. You can't be just like, you know, binging your lines right before and memorizing it. I'm sure sometimes that is the way it has to happen, but there's a lot of preparation and forethought

that goes into being an actor and preparing. And I feel like as a stand-up comedian, as long as I'm just showing up as myself, I can get the job done. Like I don't like a lot of review. I don't like a lot of rehearsal. I don't like to critique myself because then I start to see the flaws. So with stand-up Like I don't like a lot of review. I don't like a lot of rehearsal. I don't like to critique myself because then I start to see the flaws.

So with stand up I'm just like, I can just be in a conversation and I'm just with someone and be like talking about something really sad and crying and then walk on stage and do it and then walk off and get right back to it. I don't have to like get in a zone. It just seems like a lot of work.

And now I would get jobs where I'm acting against people like you guys who have been doing it so long and I'd feel like I'm not good enough and their self-doubt would come in. Well, we'd be judging you, but... You should. And Sean would have a spare rope and chair for you if things went wrong. You know?

Always standing by. Always standing by. Yeah. Well, I think you could do whatever you wanted, and certainly now you could, but you probably always, I suspect you always could have. Yeah, leave yourself open for all of it, because you seem incredibly dynamic

and well-suited for all opportunities. Yeah, I'm so happy for your success. I wanna see you doing more stuff. You're so naturally funny and so funny. And what I also love about it is, well, maybe you do on some of your podcasts and stuff, but you don't seem to have fallen in the trap yet of a lot of stand-ups who seem to be obsessed

with talking about breaking down stand-up, which I'm like fucking enough. I'm so bored by it. Some of these older stand-ups, I'm like shut the fuck up, who cares? Who do you think you are? Who cares? Who the fucking cares?

What does that mean, breaking down stand-up? You mean like talking loud about it? Oh, the science behind it. No, the science behind it. What they think about stand-up? You mean like talking about it? No, the science behind it. What they think about stand-up and how they do it. And they only talk to other stand-up. I'm like, shut up, man. Don't apologize for a joke and cancel culture.

I'm just really not that interested in that stuff either. And I think that we like to pat ourselves. And you know, every artist likes to pat themselves on the back. Like they change the world. And some of it does, but I just, I don't know. I don't... I kind of just fell into it and it fits me, but I don't think of it as stand-ups are like above other...

I think sometimes we have to think that because we feel so less than, and that's why we do stand-up, is because we didn't fit in any of the other ones. I can see that, but like all of us are just out here trying to figure it out. And so when people start breaking it down as though we're a process and as though we're a science. Anyway. But when people ask me about the process, it's always like, how do you write it?

I think it's the same for most comedians. It's just you say something funny in conversation and then you go, oh, I should maybe do something about that. And then you take out your phone and the conversation comes to a halt and everyone waits For you and you go what wait exactly how did I say it? And then they tell you and then you ruin the moment

And then you and then I'm in the wings of the show before the show kind of going like what should I do tonight? I'm kind of sick of my act as it is like maybe I'll and I'll look through I go Okay, maybe I'll throw that in and it just kind of happens on stage, but it's it's it's a lazy room Right, but you're super funny. I'm doing the only thing I've ever been good at. You're the top of the game. Honestly, I could just watch you do stand up all the time. You're really awesome,

and you're very generous to have come here. And someone who's been a fan, as long as I have to see you finally get this kind of recognition. It's awesome. Yeah, for sure. It's well, being on Smartless is a huge, it's a huge deal to me.

You guys are so... You've done a huge favor. Thank you. What a bunch of clowns. You guys are so fucking funny. Thank you. What a bunch of clowns. And your show was so good. And talk about vulnerability. I mean, that's, but that's what we, don't we all want that from our celebrities?

Like I've always just wanted to see how they are. I used to love the, like, the stars are just like us, kind of things. I used to really do love that. And that's what I think podcasts have given us, is that conversational quality, and we get to really do love that. And that's what I think podcasts have given us, is that conversational quality, and we get to really know you. And some actors stink,

and they're not interesting at all in conversation. But you guys, you're so fucking funny. And yeah, I'm just like. You're infectious. You're very, very clean, honest sort of energy coming out of you is really kind of funny. We're droll in moments, you're funny. So.

No, these are hilarious. All of you is really kind of fun. We're droll in moments, you're funny, so... Yeah. No, these are hilarious. All of you. Thanks, Nikki. It's so good to see you. So good to see you too. Thank you. Yeah, you too. Yeah, thanks, Nikki. Oh my God, Nikki Glaser! Nikki Glaser!

Thank you guys. Thank you, Nikki. Thanks, Nikki. Have a great rest of the day. Bye. Bye. How great is Nikki Glaser? That was super fun. I'm embarrassed to say that's my first experience. Have a great rest of the day. Bye. Bye. How great is Nikki Glaser? That was super fun.

I'm embarrassed to say that's my first experience with her. And wow, what a form. Only my second. I'm a huge fan of hers already. Yeah, she's amazing. She's super, super amazing. I love what she said because she, I mean, even on here, she's just brutally honest about everything

and how she feels and her opinions. And I think that's what people are drawn to. She's got specials on Netflix that I can like immediately pull up. She's got specials on HBO and Comedy Central. Dude, she's an absolute comedy megastar. Yeah, I really take him by her. And not just because of her level,

but just also how funny she is. She is profoundly funny, so good. And my buddy, great Bob Kastrone, used to work with her too. That's how he kind of really turned me on to her about five years ago. He was like, Nikki Glaser's the funniest. He wrote with her for a long time.

And then she would be great in movies and she doesn't need to act. She'd be amazing. You know, it's like five people that act. Most of us just play versions of ourselves and I'd love to see a million different versions of her. Yeah, but she'd be great. I agree.

No, she's a really nice, which is so funny because she does these roasts, which can be so super cutting and stuff, and she's actually like a super nice, kind person. And yeah, she's cool. Sean, do you have a body warm up? Sean, are you frozen? What's going on?

It's just trying to shuffling through my ideas. It's so fucking, Sean, Sean. Look, I wasn't, I was just biding my time. Why would you waste it? Wait, yeah, did you just like barely float that one up there? You were like, all of a sudden you were having a coma. You were in a coma. And then you-

No, I was bi-eating my time. Yeah, but- What's happening? Bi-eating my- Let's cut and re-roll. Let's do it. That's a good one. It's very good.

It's great, but what if I threw- I wish you would have just owned it instead of apologized for it. Why didn't you just... You're just sitting there and we know this is Sean. He was looking at a list that he had on his computer of buys. Well, stand buys. Yeah.

Oh, guys, I found one. Fucking fuck, what is happening? It's a nightmare. Will, can you take us out like we should? You got anything? Well... We just had two good ones. I actually do have a book of all the great buys that I want to use and I call it my buy BI-BALL!

Oh, okay. That'll do. We'll see you at the next one. Terry and Rob Armgerf.