SmartLess - "Santa"

Episode Date: December 24, 2023

Unwrap yourself with this Clause for celebration, a SmartLess Christmas Bonus: SANTA!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Smart plus. Guys, what are they? Listen, I'm gonna be the first to wish you happy Christmas Eve. Yeah, more. Yeah, happy Christmas Eve more to you guys. What are you guys gonna do tonight? You know what we're gonna do? We're all gonna see each other right now.

Yeah, a hunt. Christmas Eve. Now, I'm not gonna see you guys tonight because I'm not with you guys right now. Oh, well, that's okay. We'll just do anyway. were we're gonna zoom in. Let's make this a let's make this a little our little family Trish that no matter what we do a little zoom sees with our fans and stuff. Yeah, I would like that I would love that. Let's do it. I'm gonna do it. You guys have an ugly Christmas sweater I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party once and I went on Etsy and bought one for like

Freaking $300. It like plugs into a battery pack and everything. It's got lights and stuff on it. Really? Yeah, I might dust that thing off and break it out. I'm not a big fan of the ugly Christmas sweater thing. But I will say this, I do own one that somebody had made for me. It's really nice.

That's just a sweater. And it says, Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. But like in nice Christmas-y letters, I swear to God. It's really nice. That's just a sweater. And it says, Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. But like in nice Christmasy letters, I swear to God, it's really cool. Oh wow. Speaking of sweaters, by the way, it's Christmas Eve. It is Christmas Eve, and I do want to say this. My mom has been asking me a lot about the sweaters

that she needed for both you guys. She needed me a real fetching vest. Yes. And she wants photos. Well, you guys do me a favor. We'll make her Christmas morning. If I can tomorrow morning show her a picture from each of you just wearing this. Do you think I'm going to give your mother a picture of me in a sweater vest so she can

go off and do her mad posting like she's so known for? She's so mad. Oh my goodness. To social media profile on her. She's not posting any more. She wants to see. She spent weeks knitting those sweaters for you guys. I'll totally do that.

Wait, do you guys open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Christmas. We'll do one on Christmas Eve, but we'll be recording. Yeah, we'll release the valve a little bit. A little bit for the kids, yeah. Yeah, we don't. Oh, yeah. But we'll do Christmas morning.

And it's just a matter of tomorrow morning, it's going to be, keep, especially the littles, keeping them from just... Just want to be able to get past 8.30 in the morning, we know, without all the gifts unwrapped and like, well, now what do we do? You know, like, just stretch it out a little bit? Yeah, and watch TV, it's just another day. It ends up being just another day.

Just another day to watch TV. So like, when Sean, every time Sean buys a new house, it's just another place to watch TV. Yeah. Yeah. It is really true. I mean, if any link I've ever seen of any piece of real estate, it's always like, where's the TV room? Yeah, I know, I said.

Where would I be watching TV? It's like when we're on tour. Remember every time we go into any hotel, Jason would find the couch that was perpendicular to the TV. We have to remote, and he's like, this is my spot. Mm-hmm. Well, you know what, and he's like, this is my spot. Mm-hmm. Well, you know what, on Christmas,

you can do whatever you want. And Christmas is such a magical time of the year. And I feel really blessed that we got our guests who we got today. And that we do have somebody here who knows a thing or two about Christmas. This is somebody who lives way up North. Oh, we're the most part of this. Is the North Pole, about Christmas. This is somebody who lives way up North.

In the northernmost part of those. Is the North Pole. We are so lucky without further ado. You guys, it's Santa Claus. What? We're talking to Santa Claus. It's a real Santa. Santa. Santa, this is the thing.

So you're just resting up before he's smoking a butt. Oh, okay. Oh, what are you guys? Listen, I don't have a lot of time, right? At least, at least Persian. No, I'm not Persian. What are you talking about? St. Nicholas.

A Serbian. I'm Serbian. I'm Serbian. Nick and Diad of everyone. St. Alexander Claus is an American English whatever. Look in the history books. He's always been Serbian. Okay.

Nick St. Nick. So. St. Nicholas. St. Nick Alive. He's always been Serbian. Okay. St. Nicky. So... St. Nicholas. St. Nickyly. He's Serbian. From the Nicholas light of tree, where the family is from Belgrade and you know, it's always been Serbian. But look, I don't have a lot of fucking time, huh?

Oh, God. Is it true that you're slay to get pulled by goats then instead of me then instead of when we early days, it's all we had and then my fifth cousin, he said, what about the reindeer? And just stop that stop of his head. But like, like sure, we can eat them. He's like, no, no, no, they can fly. And shut up, shut up. Why do you have reading glasses on? You're not reading anything. I don't look, go, hold I am, go. Every day I wake up in a bowl of pain, okay?

And I can't see four feet in front of my face. So, Sarah, you got a hell of a night. You're like glasses? You got a real, you got a hell of a knife. You're like glasses? You got a real, you got a hell of a knife ahead of you. I mean, this is your day. This is your biggest day of the year, right, Sam? This without question. What kind of question is that?

Well, I can't come on a day of the year that counts. And, you know, let me tell you something, this strike fucked us, okay? Okay. Because here's what happened. You guys, you know, you do your strikes and everyone loves Hollywood and then the elves start getting ideas. Are they trying to organize?

Elves totally organized and look, I can't do what I do without the elves. There's no question. Okay, so I respect them. Sure, but be honest. But be honest, what else is an elf going to do? It's the only they don't have any other job skills. Right. They can do. They could do. They could do stand in work for young actors.

I guess. Yeah. I guess. Wait, Santa, Santa, are you are you willing to go on record with us? Did the elves did friend Dresher get to the elves friend? You know what? Let's that isn't, I dropped my sitter. If I think it's in your beard, you're on a higher set. Fran Drescher, that is a dirty word in our health folk, Fran Drescher.

She got them all riled up and then next thing, you know, okay, so. Here we go. It's always been standard. They get like four, four sugar plums. Right. They wanted a break. They wanted, you know, they wanted standardized working hours. They wanted to, instead of a 22 hour day, they wanted 21. And they concerned about AI at all. Well, AI is, it's here to stay. Yeah. Yeah.

So you got. That's a remote. You got a log starter to like, wow, when did you start smoking? I got to tell you that I not until the last 10 years because you know what the number one gift now is. What's it? High end mattresses. Yes, nectar. So I got a load mattresses.

So, boy. That's a lot of space on the display, I bet. It goes anything from Paw Patrol and Bluey. And then the number three is mattresses. That's everyone's list. They want a high-end mattress. So, I'm like fine. But do you realize how much time and effort, I mean that?

I can only imagine. I'm cramming mattress through door. I'm like, I'm busting off windows. I'm tearing through French doors. Anything to get in the mattress in. Because they don't go down the chimney. All the you go down the chimney, right? You can't roll them up and put them down there like this.

Yes. And what's crazy is a lot of mattress guys, they're like, they won't do flights as stairs. They get to the house and they're like, no, we don't. And the ass won't for sure. So I've got three mattresses strapped in my back. And I am, I am this close to, you know, calling it. No.

Yes. Well, so then you do, you're kind of, I am this close. I am this close. I call it quick. This close. This could be the last year. Wow. There's a very good chance.

Well, do you do any sort of level motion? I'm not saying revolutionize the mattress. What if you just bring a bunch of yoga mats? You think people will go for that instead? I guess. Maybe. Now, what kind of, do you do any carbo loading today? I don't want to, I don't want a ton of, I don't want a ton of ladders to the North Pole

telling me that elves can't do anything but work on toys and build mattresses. Okay, I don't want to hear about it. No, dude. Okay. We'll reinforce that afterwards. Santa, how do you spend your time after you deliver all the toys and the gifts and everything? How do you, what's your down? Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. I need to pay the bills. I'm sorry. Oh, here comes an ad. There's DNA. Then there's heavy duty DNA, H-DNA. It's whatever G-M-C-C-R-H-D-E-N-S-B-O-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L to prove it. To hitches of the world. Prepare for glory. Prepare for glory. Wait, are you, do you endorse, do you work for GMC? Yes, I work for GMC. I guess who doesn't? Do you?

Not anymore. I guess not. Yeah, I'm out of that read. You said a GMC slay that you're rocking? Did I get a thumbs up from your audio team? Do you think that? It was good. It came through. So we got a perfect. Clean, guys, is it clean?

Yeah, it's super, super clean. It came through perfect. Great. Thank you. Sean, Sean, I have a great question. My question is, do you have any sort of prep that you do to get ready for tonight as far as like stretching out or eating a bunch of carbs? And then Sean, one of the know what do you do to get ready for tonight as far as like, you know, stretching out or eating a bunch of carbs.

And then Sean wanted to know what do you do to relax after your big night. Like do you have a spa day tomorrow? I'll do, yeah, definitely do a cold blunge tomorrow. Do a cold blunge. That's just right there outside the house up north. Mostly I just have a lot of lists. I have a lot of coordinates navigating. I have to figure out, you know, I've got, Jason,

I don't know if you know I have to do the whole world in one night, okay? So, I've got to get my docks in a row, and in fact, it's unbelievable that I'm talking to you right now. We've really appreciated time. Do you ever wear anything else besides that outfit, or is that the outfit you wear every single time? Sean, I have to tell you something.

I don't know the other two so much, but you, my friend, you are very talented. Growing up in Serbia as a young man, we only had two channels. And we loved you in three's company. I mean, what you did, that was a very subversive show. We knew all the things you guys were saying.

Yes, sir. And the commentary on American propaganda and consumerism and the fact that Jack was a spy for the US government. Thank you. Well, thank you for getting it. Thank you for getting it. And just, right, and everything behind, I remember the son, all the kisses are hers and his and hers.

Yes, right. Right. Yes. That was very racy for Serbia. It was. That was good shit. No. Hey, have you ever seen the film Alfa?

I've always wondered that. Have you ever seen that? I don't like any of the Christmas movies. No, I haven't seen it. You should try that one. That one is very, very good. Very good. The one I watched and I absolutely loved

was a diva's Christmas Carol starring Diana Ross. That one is the most realistic one I've seen. I've seen so far. Excuse me for laughing. I'm not laughing. But Diana Ross, she can sing. Yep. But boy, can she act, you know?

Okay, well, we'll have to. We'll check that out. Yeah, please, please do. You're going to see what was it called again? A diva's Christmas Carol, Diana Ross. Sure. A diva's Christmas Carol. Okay.

So you don't care for any of the actors who have portrayed you in films like the... No, because it's all crap, it's all bullshit. You would think someone would get on a Zoom with me and say, hey, what's it really like? But no, you know, and whatever. I don't have time to talk about it. I know you don't have time. So let me just ask you really quick, because I know you do have to go, what are you going to go do? What do you do to go and kind of rely after your coal plunge? What do you do to kind of let the release valve, you know, do you and the misses of miss

the Santa Claus? You guys, you guys do anything to just kind of take care of. We have a time share in Boca, so we do that. But seriously, I say don't look at me till St. Patrick's Day. Okay. I just don't even look at me. You're a wreck. I'm a wreck. I'm an absolute wreck.

Do you have kids? We've, no, we never got around you. We never got around to it. How many, how many butts, how many, how many six do you get through? Oh, I go, I go through. I mean, this is my, on my wish list, parliaments, and I go through. It must be difficult to get those things fired up once you're up there on the slate. Yep. Once you're in high altitude, you, you, you, and that's when I,

when I get that nicotine withdrawal right around Southeast Asia, it's, just go right to the patch. That's a real kick in the patch. Yes, or the gum or the gum, but the gum will get caught in the beard. Yeah. You sound a little like, well, Arnett, when you now that you're older and you're smoking more. Well, it has an effect on the vocal cords. I mean, when how old were you when you're when you're beard turned white? Uh, 19. That's 19. Who are the naughtiest kids just but it's just what area of the world do you find the naughtiest kids?

I'll give you the names right now. Ryan Carter, Patrick Russo, Gary Hampton, Tom Robinson, Alexander N Robinson. Alexander Nails. Alexander Nails. So they're getting, what do they, what do they get? Do they, John Malcolm? Do they, do they really get coal or is that just a wives tale? They get coal. They get coal. I can't find coal as easily as, and it's no one wants. Yeah, the wopsters. got rid of the coal with the mattress that weighs down the slay on the. So you know what I find that they were really bombed out about fruit. I give them fruit. Oh, give them a pineapple or a cum quad. Overly ripe or not

ripe at all. It can't be kept. Or a lemon, and sometimes if I put a little inscription on note, and a lemon, and I say suck it. Just a personalized. Yeah. What's the dumbest letter you ever got? Do you remember any of your dumb letters? The dumbest letter I ever got was from Jimmy Carter's brother Billy Carter. Yep. And he wanted...

He was already in his cups. I don't even remember what it was, but I just remember thinking, this guy's a jackass. And you know... I'm really banged up. It proved to be true. And having no kids of yourself and having only to like deal with them all these years, do you still love kids? Do you still love being around them? Like, do you look forward to this year? Look, I come off like I'm on the bad mood. I love kids. I do. The kids are why I come back to it. Yeah. Because, you know, for the most part, the kids are the they are the future, right? Right. Yes. I guess so. I mean, it feels like you're just

quoting a song like a Whitney Houston song. All the kids are the future. And it could get all the kids to hold hands around the world and seeing a song in harmony. Oh boy, what a better place this would be. This is a Coca-Cola. If we could get animated polar bears along with kids. Oh my God. This is a Coca-Cola. How much polar bear drank a bottle of pop?

How do you... What are you making in endorsements pre tax what are you pulling in your gross would you estimate if I'm talking euros your euros is fine we'll take it in pre tax pre tax well we are the Serbian tax systems. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I'm making about 47 million. 47 million euros. Bro, trouble finding things to spend that on up north. I'm about to buy Chelsea. Chelsea.

Chelsea, Chelsea football club. Yeah, I got a bit in. So here's the thing. If I, if that goes through, right, I'm done. You're done with Christmas. I'm done with all your hand over the gig to who to the misses. I'll hand over the mid. I'll hand it over to, you know, I don't care. I'll hand it over to you three jokers.

If you, if you, can you make this play? If you, if you buy chill, if that ends up happening, I know it's in the works and you don't want to talk too much about it because it's still in the work. Yeah, I can't. I really can't say too much, but maybe just ask you this, if that ends up happening, I know it's in the works and you don't want to talk too much about it because it's still in the works. I can't. I really can't say too much, but maybe just ask you this, if you retain control of Chelsea football club, will you try to get American Christian policeage back on the squad? That will be my first move. That's your first move.

I'm like, no, no. Yeah. Wait, Santa, I want to know, what is the, what is somebody to get you as a gift? Like, the guy who has every thing. Yeah, well, I, uh, obviously, I'm never going to say no to parliaments. Um, uh, I like a, a comfortable walking shoe. Yeah, like Clarks or a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, yeah, John Stens. Sure. I've tried the, um, well, oh gosh, what's the, uh, I should know this. How about the shoes that you don't have to reach down to put on?

Do you just kind of step it? Sure. Does work for you? I love a good schedule. Yeah. I'm doing it. There may be, I can't say anything, but fingers crossed. There may be a sketches collab with Snoop and a few two with you and me and say to Nicholas, Nicklaus and Snoop.

Wow. Yeah. Wow. Huh. Well, we so we're making news. Is that okay to report that? That's okay. That's okay.

That's that's like we're on the five yard line on that. Okay. So standing again, before we let you go, what are you looking at? What's your, what's your, what are you looking to be wheels up? Wheels up, we've got to start. Oh, God, let me see.

What's that? Yeah, no, I know. What happened? No, just the, my, my chief navigator says there's a Icelandic volcano erupted again, so we're going to have to go around. Oh, you have to circumm. Okay. So we probably have to leave 3 o'clock my time.

3pm. 3pm. You're in time. And here's another secret. In order to deliver all the toys in time, I have to do some of it in daylight and it's just, you know, wow. Oh, the kids must hate that. And the kids sometimes see me and I have to threaten them.

I'm like, don't do anyone. You won't get another gift. Oh, so kids have seen you, but the reason it hasn't come out is because you've threatened that they'll never get another gift. Threaten them and I also have their little memory wiper from the back. That little sheep. Yeah, I started with you. I have that.

Yeah. I have that. I have that. I love that you're Serbian. I can't wait to spread that around. Are you spending a lot of time back in Belgrade these days? Well, look, it's not a safe place to be still pretty high. Yeah, it's all. So, yes. And I, you know, I have to roll heavy when I go to the Elves look sweet. Yes, they, what they are, they're well trained. And, uh, okay.

And they know. Oh, they know how to handle themselves. They sure. Yes. Sure. Do you know, personally, we'll go to Belgrade. We'll go, we'll go to Nobu and we'll say how to people. Yeah, we'll do all the usual places. And maybe have a meal with with Novak, Jokovec, or you know, maybe with the Joker, you're sure. And some of Eileen Astaz is family. Oh, kidding. Yeah, that's the meaning.

But he spends time in. It comes over for the shops. And he loves shopping. Okay, well, Santa, listen, again, I obviously it's a really busy days or any message that you want to like sort of leave our listener with or the kids of the world just on this epic video. I think I said it. I want all the kids who hold hands around the world and sing a song, peace and joy and

harmony. All right. Brought to us by who? Bycook. No, no, no, no, no, no. The new cook's zero, it might be, and I'm not just saying this, I'm not just saying this. It might be the best cook ever.

I'm not just saying this. Okay. I'm not just saying it. Ah. Well listen, Santa, what a treat for us to be able to spend just a big part of Christmas. Yeah, it wasn't a treat for you to be able to spend just a bit part of Christmas. Yeah, it wasn't a treat for you as a waste of time for me. So I'm going to look, are we done?

Yeah, listen, best of luck tonight. I hope you have great work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So, say, oh, he's out. Oh, he's gone. You have so quickly. Well, we wish him luck.

We'll hopefully sovers up just a little bit before he gets behind the reins. To all our fans and everywhere, from Santa, we can speak for Santa. Mary Christmas. Mary Christmas, everyone. We love you guys. Mary Christmas, you guys, I love you guys so much. Love you guys.

Have a great, great rest of the Christmas Eve and an incredible day tomorrow. Yeah. Mary Christmas, you guys, and happy holidays. We love you. And let's just say a very, very special Christmas. Bye. Bye.

Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart.

Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. This episode was exquisitely handcrafted by our favorite Santa's digital helpers. Smart, less. If you like Smart List, you can listen early and add free right now by joining Wundry Plus in the Wundry app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen and add free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondry.com slash

survey. Hey, I'm Michelle Beetle. And I'm Peter Rosenberg. Hey Peter, tell the people about our new podcast. Right, it's called Over the Top. And we cover the biggest topics in sports and pop culture using royal rumble rules. That means we'll start with two stories. Toss one out on its ass and dive into the other stories with ruthless aggression. Oh, but it never stops because every 90 seconds after that.

Wow, God, whose music is that? Another story comes down to the ring. Rinse and repeat until we arrive at the one most important thing on planet Earth that week. Follow over the top on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to over the top early and add free right now by joining Wondry Plus. For the record, this is not a wrestling podcast. No, no, but it is inspired by wrestling. Isn't everything inspired by wrestling, Beetle?

Fair point. Yeah!