SmartLess - "Ted Danson"

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

No stranger to having a laugh: Mr. Ted Danson joins us for chili… and the silliness of men. Psoriasis commercials, AP English, the Berlin Wall, and No Sasquatch! “Do I look puffy?” Es un episodio nuevo de SmartLéss. Salud. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

So, hey guys, hey. Hey, Sean. Hey, hi. What city are you in? Everybody's been traveling so much. Where are you at? I'm in the Los Angeles. Will is as well.

I'm in Los Angeles. I'm in New York. Now, Sean, you've been in New York for a little while, right? Yeah, I'll be home in a month. Wow. In a month. Yeah. You just hopping around, just catching shows, eating dinners,

and just enjoying? Yeah, just anything I can stuff my face with. Are you doing a... OK? Hmm. Just keep it clean. It's the opening. This is an all new Smart List, dude.

Smart. List. Smart. List. I ran out of Pop Tarts so this morning I made an English muffin. Oh don't worry we read the internet we saw. You made an English muffin. It was on CNN dude. What'd you stick in all the nooks and crannies? I put some butter and then I made my own cinnamon

like mixture, cinnamon sugar mixture. Cinnamon and sugar. By the way, by the way, when you said made your own, meaning you put cinnamon with sugar. Yeah, that's right. And then you start like. Okay, don't talk like you, I went into the lab. Yeah, yeah, no I did.

The disposable time you've got right now, Sean Hayes. It's incredible. I am so in fumes. Are you jealous? I've gone back to bed twice already this morning. Oh really? But Jay, you just did a back and forth. You went overseas on a thing and then you came back to LA,

then you went to New York a couple days, then you came back and then you come back. Why? I don't know. I literally, I almost canceled this today. I almost called in and said that I might have COVID or something, I'm so freaking excited. I can tell you're tired.

But why did you fly back again this weekend? And I know you're going to say, because I want to see the kids and stuff, but come on, man, you got to take care of yourself. You can't do that. Well. Yeah, you can take care of yourself. Because I got to come back, I'm editing.

I edited yesterday, edit today. It's like, it's a lot. And were you up late editing? No, I went to bed at nine, got up at 4.30. So, okay, you're just tired. But I'm just like, what the fuck? Let Sean and me edit. It's a real boring high class complaint.

No, no, no, but let Sean and I edit. It'll be fun, it'll be so new to you. You'll be like, what the fuck? It's a real boring, high class complaint. No, no, no, but let Sean and I edit. It'll be fun. It'll be so new to you. You'll be like, what the fuck? It's a great new approach. Yeah. Scott and I, I know Jason loves this Kathy and Reed-ous section of the show.

I do. I've got my coffee here. Okay, good. So Scott and I, we were doing our will and testament, you know, like you have to fill out, you have to do the icky stuff. Oh my God, that sucks. Congratulations, you guys are, it's all going to you.

We're in? Scott is out, yeah. That makes sense. So wait, so, Sean, so you and Scott are going through. Yeah, so we did it, and the guy, it was just, it's stupid, but you know, you have to go in there and you sit in this conference room with the guy, with this estate lawyer, and he goes, I said, I go conference room with a guy, with a state lawyer.

And he goes, I said, I go, so wait a minute, let me get this straight. So if I die, and I was doing like before and then after, so I go, if I die, he goes, I'm going to stop you. When you die, go ahead. And I was like, wow. It's coming for you. Yeah.

I'm sorry, when you die, go ahead. And I was like, Jesus. But you know what though? You know what Sean? So I had on what is today, I had last weekend, I had all of our good friend Bradley over here and we were watching some soccer and stuff

and he came over and I said, and as you guys know, cause Jason takes fucking pictures of it, so does Paul McAle, of my freezer and my treats that I have in there. Jesus. He sees my treats, Bradley, and I go, oh yeah, that's this like ice cream sandwich

from this place out here called Round Swamp, and they make chocolate chip cookies with ice cream. Round Swamp, that's what your colon is. Wow. Somebody just woke up. That's so good. I'm so jealous. Somebody just woke up. That's so good. That's what your colon is.

So he goes, are you going to have a little piece of this? I go, hey man, I'm not coming back here. I'm here this one visit, planet Earth. This is a one time visit to this planet. And you're looking to shorten it as much as possible? No, I'm looking to enjoy it as much as possible. I'm not looking for, it doesn't need to be a long shitty time, it just needs to be great.

Look, for every ice cream sandwich you eat, you just gotta run an extra mile or something. Yeah, there you go. Enjoy it, man, because I don't want the end of the day when we're like, Jay, how was it? And you go, ooh, ooh, ooh, and we go, fuck, we gotta take the tubes out. Why didn't you say we'd take the tubes out? Jay, how was it? And you go, ooh, ooh, ooh. And we go, fuck, we gotta take the tubes out. Why didn't you say we'd take the tubes out?

Jay, how was it? And you go, we're so fucking hungry the whole fucking time. All I can hiss at is, what did you take me around for? All I can hiss at is, do I look puffy? It's gonna say on your tombstone. Puffy, puffy Bateman. Died with zero water retention. JB, can I get it out of you right now?

If you happen to pass before me, will you let me put at some point, somewhere on your tombstone, do I look puffy? We were talking about that. Think about it, think about it, think about it. Don't tell me now. We were talking about that in the meeting with the estate lawyer, Will Guy,

and he goes, I said something, came up with that health initiative, like I forget what it's called, where you can pull the plug or not. And he goes, you just gotta make sure if you have a the plug or not. And he goes, you know, you just gotta make sure if you have a feeding tube or something. And I go, I would hook up a feeding tube now. Sure you would.

Sure you would. Sure you would. It's such a shortcut. Sean, how quickly, if we installed, and then we gotta get to our guests, but if we installed, if you came home and in your kitchen, installed and then we got to get to our guests, but if we installed if you came home and in your kitchen There was a trough but it was filled

It was filled with like donuts and all the stuff you love and skittles and Hershey's syrup and Hershey's Reese's peanut butter cup and all this stuff that you want to eat and sloppy Joe, how long is the time from the initial disgust and sort of like feeling of resentment and alarm, of the initial seeing it, to you actually getting down. And going to town? Yeah. By the way, a trough of just all your favorite stuff would just be incredible. It'd be incredible.

So I'm saying the gap is pretty short. You'd have a savory trough and a sweet trough, right? I mean, you'd kind of have a lever that would kind of, like a train track, switch the tube, like the little thing that would, yeah. Yeah, that's true. That'd be so good. Sweet trough and a sweet.

And a trade track switcher. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That'd be so good. Sweet drop of the state. Trade Trek switcher. Yes. With my mouth just hanging on the bottom. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Fucking hell, man. I'm going to have Maple draw that.

Please, as just the design of it, the engineering of it. Yeah, let's get some people, let's get some top design. Let's get Johnny Ives on this or somebody. You know what I mean? So, Will, this is all a tee up to your classy guest. Sorry, classy guest who's had to endure all this. Well done. But you know what?

He's a classy guest, but he's also no, no stranger to having a laugh. Oh boy. Because he likes to laugh, but he's also made us laugh. This guy, he's another one of these people, I can't say anything that he's also made us laugh. This guy, he's another one of these people, I can't say anything that he's done because you're immediately gonna know who he is because he's such a part of the fabric of our lives,

especially the three of us, because we are such admirers of what he has done over the years and how much he's made us laugh and doing the stuff at the highest level that we're like, oh my God. And I would say this, not doing the stuff at the highest level that we're like, oh my God. And I would say this, not just doing stuff at the highest level, for me potentially doing what I would consider,

and no offense to either of you, the greatest American sitcom of all time, because it just took me through so many, and it just always made me laugh. I got to talk to him about it recently with one of his co-stars. He's done a million different TV shows, but he's the best.

He's, you know, Mayday Malone, Sam Malone, he's also known as Ted Danson. Oh, it's Ted Danson even! Ted Danson! Hello, good morning! What are you doing? Sam Mayday Malone. You guys, with this format, should somehow find a way to have a camera on the guests while you're doing your thing.

Because I'm sitting here. As you nod off and keep catching yourself. I'm doing spit takes, I'm putting my hand over my mouth. You are so fucking funny. It's so stupid. Ted Danson, hello. I was just with Jimmy Burroughs last night, and Debbie Burroughs, Scotty and I, at the Hollywood Bowl,

and we were talking about you just last night. And Scotty and I, every like I would say, three or four years, we watched from beginning to the end, no joke, every episode of Cheers, every several years, every episode, over and over. Call me next time you do that. Ted, so Ted, I had the, you know, Ted and I don't really know each other.

Ted said three words so far, we're a million. No, but that's good. Trust me, that's very good. So Ted, and you guys, you and Woody invited me on your podcast, which very kindly had me on. And I got to, and I had just watched a bunch of episodes. And so I went crazy on you guys with Cheers stuff. But I want to talk to you about,

I'm so interested in that moment. So, cheers is such a big thing, especially our generation, we grew up with it. And we weren't little kids, but we loved it. I was in college. What was that moment, that first time you got the script for cheers? I love this more than anything.

I'm sorry, I barely heard what you were saying because I loved watching the first question of a podcast as you're trying to formulate, how do we get him talking? Sorry, you're very good at it, Will. No, thank you. You're very good. No, I want to know about Cheers. I want to know about Cheers.

So just recap, when did I know the first moment that it was a big- What was the first moment that you laid eyes on the script for Cheers? Wow. I was doing a last second replacement on Taxi. that you laid eyes on the script for Cheers. Wow. I was doing a last second replacement on Taxi. And I was there and Jimmy and Les and Glen had an office down the way at Paramount and they were working on Cheers.

And Jimmy had remembered me from, was it Best of the West? Do you remember that? Western sitcom? That sounds familiar, yeah. Anyway, I auditioned for it, didn't get it, and he remembered me and called me down. And I guess we had a conversation before I got the script and then read it.

And then I auditioned two or three times and they said to me, okay, don't take another job without letting us know. And I went, oh, so you're saying it's my part? No, just don't, you know, just don't take another job. And I went out the back door and literally up the front door, coming up the stairs to the front door of the office was like every actor in LA.

I think I got cheers because of Shelly Long because she just, she really nailed that part right out. Yeah, brilliant. She was amazing and we got teamed up together when we auditioned. We had to audition as couples. That must have sealed it because you and Shelly had the most incredible sitcom.

Chemistry. Chemistry. Magic. Yeah, really magic, chemistry, but was magic. I mean, Ted, you guys must have felt, that must be one of those things that was instant, right? There was just no, it was in a skateboard. You just had to. You know, it was great.

I mean, I am always, always the worst. My first reaction to She Shelley while we were auditioning was, oh, no, no, that's a bad, bad idea. Oh, really? Horrible. Yes, horrible. Why, why, why? I don't know.

We were so different. Our styles, our approach, our everything is really different, which is why I think it worked, because it was like this fair fight. It was hard for us sometimes to be in the room together, but when we started working, it was just fantastic, because you'd smack her and she'd smack you back harder. She was just brilliant.

Did you always want to do sitcom, like television comedies, because you've made, Ted, you haven't just made a career out of it, comedies, because you've made a, you haven't, Ted, you haven't just made a career out of it, and again, at risk of embarrassing you, you've been at the top of television comedy for like 40 fucking years. To this day. When you were a kid, were you like,

I want to do a television comedy, was that the thing that you wanted to do? No, no. I didn't think about it until Stanford and then I discovered acting and I was just, life made sense. I was not an academic. I came from like scientific people in my family,

my father, my sister was incredibly bright and I just faked my way through school. I just was over my head. You can't fake your way into Stanford, hang on now. No, you could back then. Really? And I was geographically interesting. I came from Arizona, Flagstaff,

all my friends were Hopi Navajo kids and ranchers, sons and daughters, and galloping here and there, and then went to a private school in Connecticut, Kent School for Boys. And I think I got there for that reason. And then that's kind of interesting. And then truly, I was a horrible student.

The first two weeks at Stanford, I was sitting in English, and it's going to sound weird. It was an advanced placement English class because I lucked into it. Because I'm not very bright, I test wonderfully because I don't give a shit. I just kind of wing it and make it a game and have fun. But I was sitting there going,

not only do I not understand what the professor just said in response to this question, this girl sitting next to me said that I have no, and I just pretty much dropped out. Wanted to play basketball nowhere near talented enough. So all my dreams kind of fizzled. And then a little while after that, trying to take some young lady out and have a cup of coffee, and she told me

about five minutes in because I don't think she was enjoying it, I have an audition I have to go to. And I said, can I come along? And off I went, and to stay in the room, it was like a Bertolt Brecht play, and to stay in the room, they said, well, just do something. And I got up and I heard people laugh.

And it was like, oh, wait a minute. And literally I- It's this drug. Yeah, I took my first acting class and was in some productions and I pulled my station wagon with a sleeping bag in the back and never left the theater until somebody said you should really go back east

and study, so off I went to Carnegie, but there you are. Wow. Hey, let me take over for a minute. Yeah, you go ahead. Will Arnett, thank you so much for being our first guest. You really did us a good turn, and we did really well in the ratings and all of that. That's so great.

Thank you, thank you, really appreciate it. It was a lot of fun, I love talking to you and Woody so much, I mean, you know, again, I'm going to get off chairs at some point, because I've gotten off on it so many times before. Guys, see what you did there. But I love it so much, and I made Ted and Woody listen to me go on about one of my favorite moments, which I've said before, but I'm going to say it because I haven't said it here.

One of my favorite moments, I think the funniest moment for me in TV history for me is this moment where Shelly Long goes, you'll never see me again, you'll never see Diane Chambers ever again. This is the last time you'll never see me again. You'll never see Diane Chambers ever again. This is the last time you'll ever hear from me. And what do you know, those guys are standing there like they're all watching. She makes this grand farewell. She walks out and then all of a sudden you see the door open and she realized she forgot her coat and you see her arm come in and start to reach for the coat rack.

And Carla's standing there, and as you see the hand come, she just said, you'll never see me again. Hand in, feeling for the coat, and Carla just grabs the coat rack and pulls it just out of reach. So her hand, hand, hand, hand, and then finally she falls through the door,

and Carla goes, hey everybody everybody look, it's Diane. I don't know why, that fucking, every part of that joke to me, every bit of it just fucking works. It just makes me laugh. Because you know it's coming too. You're sort of like in awe of the way they're still getting it through the hoop, knowing that it's coming. The staging, the thing, all of it, it's fucking amazing.

Jimmy, you worked with Jimmy a lot, Sean. Jimmy Burroughs is great. Yeah, every single episode of Will and Grace. Every? Every episode. He did almost every episode of Cheers, right? About 20 of them went elsewhere, but yeah. He did tons of them.

But his sense of physical comedy is insane. Incredible. We four have been so lucky to work so much in a multi-camera, in front of a live audience. I mean, how much do you guys miss it? There's no better job, at least for an actor, than multi-cam television, I think. Writers have it pretty tough, as we said earlier, they're up pretty late, but man,

and especially on a show that Jimmy's directing, where you usually don't work much on Mondays, and Camera Blocking Day is done at lunch, it's a real sweet ride. Did you all do three weeks on, one week off? Yeah. We did. Yeah, I mean, that's amazing. It's the fucking, it's the greatest.

It's unbelievable. The only time I ever got mad at Jimmy was, remember Sean, he wanted to switch the tape nights from Friday to Tuesday nights. And I loved the idea that Friday night when you were done, then you had no homework for the weekend. And I always felt when you had to tape on Tuesday, you're like, ah, you were thinking about,

because you know, Monday you got a camera block and do all that shit. I loved it. That's when you're sharing the crew with another show where they got to flip the stands around for the other side of the stage. I like Tuesday nights. I like Tuesday nights because I could

soak up the lines over the weekend. Oh. Are lines a tough thing for you to remember? Yeah? I'll have to say, I mean, I started off with a slow dumb joke, which is a great living, Sam Malone's, you know. It's the funniest, easiest way for the laugh.

And you're not doing Frasier or Diane fast, you know, brilliant, complicated. And I've moved on to having some of the most difficult lines to say with Mike Schur in The Good Place. It was so elevated. But it's not hard for me to learn them, it's hard for me to retain them. So this year I had the best time

with my youngest daughter, Katrina. She would come to work with me. And I never had to worry about lines because she was there kind of jamming them into my brain. Because literally if the camera's turning around and there's that 15, 20 minute pause or whatever, I need to make sure I reload the lines. You know, so I don't have to worry about them.

So they don't fall out of your head in 20 minutes. So she'd run lines with you and stuff? Yeah, constantly. She's really good at it, we had a great time. We'll be right back. And now, back to the show. Ted, you had the good fortune of working,

you mentioned Mike Schur, whom we all know and are friends with, and you got to work with him on The Good Place, and now you and Mike have a new show. Yeah. Is that right? Netflix, you know what? I think the name is changing as we speak. Okay.

But it came from a documentary out of Chile, out of Santiago, Chile. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, they're very funny. Sean just watched a five part mini series onies on chili on the food not not the country He said he's a speed first. He said and then I had a five-part meal. He was riveted I do love chili

When do you guys do it now? Is that you guys? Sorry, are you guys not on camera as far as what people get to see? No, this is all audio. What about YouTube? YouTube? No, not that. No, man. Well, you guys are idiots.

No. You are so fucking funny. People want to see this. I hear it. But then Will would have to stick his hair on. I mean, look at him. I have to put my shoes on. No, you don't.

All right, let me take over again. What are you directing, Jason? Why are you so exhausted? What are you working on? Oh, a Netflix thingy, a limited series. It's called Black Rabbit. It's about Dog Tracks. No.

I was like, wait, what? It'll be out in like a year. It's another one of these sort of like moody, dark, people die kind of things that- Is it eight episodes, 10? It's eight, eight. Eight and done, eight and out, right? Yeah.

Isn't that slightly disturbing because we all did 22, 24 episodes. And now they say you have eight, you go, well, they must hate us. Right. Well, what am I going to do with the rest of the year? Or I have no faith in us, yeah. Hey, I want to go back to one, when you said,

so you kinda started with the acting kind of on a lark to fill time unused by your studying English and stuff, I mean, basketball. So I would imagine it was a very natural thing for you to do, in other words, you weren't complicating yourself with any sort of learned technique, that came later. Tell me about that.

So you probably, it started feeling very natural, well we're just playing pretend, and it came to you very easily, and then you go into learning how to act, and all the technique that comes with those classes, did you have a place for all of that technique, or did you kind of go, ah, that's good to know and everything,

but this kind of feels natural to me and how complicated is acting to you? Did you allow for it to become something different once you went into class? Yeah, I think there was a point at Carnegie which I loved. It was the only acting I knew. So a lot of other people had come having acted before or studied before and they had their judgments

about Carnegie. I just was lapping it up because it was the first and only time I've ever done it. So it didn't matter to me. Then I went to New York and I was terrified. When you come out of Carnegie, you're supposed to go into the repertory system. I think they're called TCGs, where you go and you audition for all the companies around the country, and none of us got in at all. We went, well, shit, all right, we'll all go to New York,

and that's what we did, but it terrified me so much that I went to John Houseman at Juilliard and said, I want to enroll, having just graduated from Carnegie, I wanted to be back in a system to protect me in New York somehow. And he very sweetly. Like Juilliard was some sort of easy track there. I mean.

Yeah, but at least it was like you were cocooned in, you know, and he very sweetly said, well, if you still feel that way a year from now, come back. But so off I went. And then I studied, I did study names, neighborhood playhouse, famous, famous.

Sandy Meisner. Sandy Meisner, thank you. I did two years of a Sandy Meisner student teaching a version of that, which really is what I think propelled me out the door acting wise as far as technique, because it stopped being about showing your technique or demonstrating how good you are,

or it got me out of my head and started focusing on the other person, which is kind of the whole point of acting. Well, it's interesting because, well, Pete Jowell went went to Sandy Miser for two years to a friend of all of ours, and a bunch of people that we know. But what I found is, what's interesting is,

you go and you study theater, you went to Carnegie Mellon, you can go to lots of, there are a lot of great places around the country, but what's the most valuable is when they start talking to you about what to do when you're trying to get a job. Cause all that stuff is really great is sort of great theoretical stuff, but it's so much different when you start to get into

trying to get a job. Who do you try to- Meaning like how to audition and how to like- Well, how to audition and how to do it in the moment. You know, they don't have, it's like they don't have time for you to go through your fucking process when you're a young actor and you've only got a couple lines and you gotta show up.

You gotta show up and deliver, you know why? Because as you guys know, because they gotta move on. They gotta get your fucking reaction or whatever your stupid thing is, and they gotta get after this other scene. So they don't have time for you to go like, do you think that my character would, it's like dude, shut up, and deliver.

And that's the scariest part, right? I mean, when you walk in and you're the new guy, how scary is that? Am I wrong? Yeah, and you want a score, but then yeah, you don't want to overplay it either, I'll bet. Right.

I was really lucky when I got to LA, which was, I mean, I did, I understudied an off-Broadway show for a year and a half. I did a soap opera and I did, I did anything I could. I would be an extra in a commercial and be just as happy. I didn't care. As long as I was working, doing something, I was thrilled. And even just being in an acting class

was as exciting as being paid. It didn't matter to me in the beginning. Then when I came to LA, I was lucky enough, because LA, you're just there to make it. There's no other reason to be in LA except to make it. It's pilot season. Let's do it. Right, and I was, a friend of mine,

had started something called The Mastery. It was the Actors Institute, and it was a one weekend kind of transformational. It wasn't a how-to to act, but it was kind of more about, this is how you're presenting yourself. Is that what you want to be doing? Because this is what happens when you walk in the room. You got a big fuck you on your shoulder, or whatever it is.

Right, oh, that's good. That you don't really know what you're walking in with, and then you put acting on top of that or something. And he actually, kind of a, not a flim flam man, well he is in that he said, Ted, I want you to anchor this project that I'm doing, this Actors Institute here in LA, and we'll do it by you teaching acting.

And he convinced me that I had to do this. And I would throw up every night before teaching a class. It was the hardest, most painful thing. And it's not a happy ending like, and all my students became famous or something. I hated it, but it took my mind off of auditioning. It was so much more fun to go audition than teach a class. And one of the things he taught me was,

it's a good chance for you when you go into audition to check out whether or not you wanna be working with those people. You're always trying to impress them to work, to hire you whether or not you wanna be working with those people. You're always trying to impress them to work, to hire you and to like you, but do you like them? And not in an arrogant way, but just heads up, make sure you're looking at them. And the other thing is they want you to be good.

They so want you to be good. They're desperately wanna cast this part. Yeah, we were just talking about that. I was just talking about that. You walk in, not literally and not with arrogance, but you walk in with a relax, I'm here. This is gonna be really good. I get how hard this is for you.

And then you do your little scene, and then at the end of it, without literally saying it, without being arrogant, you go, thanks, that was a lot of fun, but I have something else I have to go to, but anyway, good luck, see you later. So that the whole attitude has no desperation to it. Sexy indifference, sexy indifference. I would always say good luck with this, as I leave.

Gross. Oh, that is disgusting. Wait, what did he mean? Of course he said that. It's so gross. Of course he said that. Hey gross. Of course he said that. Hey guys, good luck with this. That's really funny.

Wait, did I ever tell you guys? Hope it pans out. Yeah. Tell me, Jason, will you tell me, stop me if I said this on the show before, but I once went to, and Will's like, stop. I once went to, I had an audition for, to play like a dental assistant, so I needed a white lab coat, because I was like, I'll dress the part,

right, it was for a commercial. And at night, I was doing sketch comedy in this theater, and that we would kind of rent out at night, but during the day, it was a massive acting class, right? And with like 200 people in the class. And so I was like, oh, on the way to the audition, I'll just run and get my prop, my little white jacket, to go to the commercial audition at the theater.

I had no idea it was being used during the day. I walk in and I open the door in front of 200 people and a guy's teaching the class. And I was like, oh my God, oh my God. I was so embarrassed. I was like, I'm so sorry. I do a show here at night and then he was like, it's already too long of a story.

He's like, what do you need? And I was like, I just have to get some. He's like, well, be quick about it, you know, and go get your thing, whatever you need. I was like, it's already too long of a story. He's like, what do you need? And I was like, I just have to get some. He's like, well, be quick about it, you know, and go get your thing, whatever you need. I was like, so sorry. So I go in the back and I'm rustling through and I'm making all this noise. And he's like, can you please be quiet?

I'm teaching a class. And I was like, I'm so sorry. And I keep going and I'm making more noise, more noise. And he goes, are you for real? I go, why don't you act like I'm not here? And I got my stuff when I ran out. They all fucking hated me. Hey Ted, when you were in New York and you're doing all these auditions and stuff,

I'd imagine you're doing something during the day. Were you waiting tables in sort of a classic way? No, no, I always back to them. Were you selling dope, Ted? Were you selling dope? Yeah, Tom's is bad. Were you selling dope at Dine Bands? What was going on?

No, I don't have, that's Woody, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Woody and the band. Exactly. I am such milk toast. Anyway, I always had enough, back then you could work a day on a commercial

and make a nice whatever to pay your rent, but then the next day you could go collect unemployment. So between working little teeny things, I never actually had to. Fucking unbelievable, you liberal actors sucking up our system, classic. I knew it, you liberal actors, sucking up our system, classic. You knew it, you liberal, you elitist. No, it's fucking, give me a second here,

because I want to tee off on the liberal elites. No, it's a great gig, by the way. No, it's a great gig. There's no way you went to Stanford with no plan. What were you going to study at Stanford? Oh, no, I am the guy sitting in the back of the pickup looking behind where the pickup is going, going wow, well look at that, golly.

I never turned around and focused and said I want this. I'm gonna go with this. No aspirations. Until I met Mary, or shortly before I met Mary. I will say that's why you're so chill. You have a really great vibe, I will say that. Yeah, everybody says that. Have you seen my psoriasis commercials?

Yeah. No, no. Hey, listen, I'm a Sky Rizzi guy, so don't get me going. Yeah, yeah, wait. I don't even know, I just see those ads all the time when I'm in this, I see my friend always has this joke. He's like, where is Sky Rizzi family? By the way, can I just say this? I mentioned Pete Giles before.

J.B., you played golf with Gilesy before, over the years. The great Pete Giles. The great Pete Giles, and Sean, you know him very well. It just reminded me that any time he would get on the green, and sometimes some guys go, hey, because your ball is on the green, you're dancing, and he would, for years, say And you know, sometimes some guys go, hey, you know, cause your ball is on the green, you're dancing. And he would, for years say, you're Ted dancing.

For years, he would say, when your ball got on the green, you're Ted dancing. Yeah, one of my best friends of all time. Yeah, it just made me think of these guys. Cause the green's a dance floor. I know. Go for Sean Hayes. Yes, thank you.

Good story. You have this crazy ability. I know off the top of my head, all of the hit shows that you've been on. So you have this crazy ability to... Name them. You just said it. Okay, ready? No, you just fucking said it.

So no, name them. No, I said it. Well, obviously she shares Becker. I remember Becker. I remember, well, Good Place. I remember Creepshow. I remember CSI. you were on CSI. Which was very fun.

Damages. Damages, like you've done so many hit shows, it's unbelievable. By the way, I did audition for Ink, which was a short-lived sitcom, I did not get the part. Yeah, well, good for you. I heard the star didn't care for you. But how do you, is there a process by which you have

like a filtering system? A filtering system for how to pick the right project? Because you seem to always do that. The trick is to spend all your money, so you have to go to work. No, you know, oh, come on, I am here talking to you because of Les and Glenn Charles and Jimmy. That is literally why I'm here.

But then you pick massive hit shows. Well, people think... Well, the good writers tend to come your way because of Cheers. I mean, literally, I'm not playing Humble Pie. I'm here because of Cheers. And it was remarkable. I was talking to somebody who was going, we need to win the jackpot, you know?

And it was like, yeah, to tell the truth, I did win the jackpot. Playing Sam Malone on Cheers for 11 years is certainly a jackpot. But also, you know, the guys were talking about it earlier, you know, your vibe is, it is infectious, it does come through. You do have an ability to put your thing into whatever character you're playing,

even if it's a crabby character, which you play really well. There is a Ted Danson humanity that you're able to communicate to the audience, and it's just, it's great to be with and I'll bet it's great on set too. I'll bet that you in that leadership position create this environment where everybody kind of goes,

oh, well maybe I should bring that part of me too and all of those things sort of add up and it becomes this really enjoyable thing to be a part of as a viewer. And I'll, you know, you're being very humble, but I'm sure that's a lot of the key to your success too, why every show works when you're a part of it. For sure.

Yeah, but I mean, no, I won't do Humble Pie, but you all know that it's the writing. I mean, yeah, you can be really good and interesting. But an asshole can fuck up good writing. Yes, that's true. Or you don't want to be around them. I do love going to work. I do love actors.

I do love writers. I do love the whole process. I am as starry eyed as I was. I love going to Studio Gates and crossing over Jimmy Stewart Avenue and passing, you know. That's so good to hear. And working with that crew too.

I mean, think about all those cameramen and Dolly Grips and they follow Jimmy around too and Jimmy, I mean, it's just a family that's. It is. It's a lot of. Yeah, it's a lot of. And also, it's also wonderful to be part of this tribe of funny.

I am not, you guys are really quick and really funny. You know, I'm not, I am not, you guys are really quick and really funny. You really truly are. If I have funny material, I will indeed be funny. But I don't have that thing that you guys have. But I am part of the tribe of funny, and it makes me so happy. You know, I got to shake hands and hug Mel Brooks. How fucking cool is that?

I worked with Mary Tyler Moore. It's like, ah! Ted, Ted, I hate to break it to you, man. You're on the fucking Mount Rushmore, okay? So, I got a news slash for you. And there's no, and maybe it's because of Jimmy and the Charles brothers, but they wanted you for that same reason that you described before.

They wanted you to be good and you were. You were so fucking great, man. And I wonder if you, when you come out of something like Cheers, I can't imagine, because, well, I can. When you have something that has such, where there's such great chemistry, and it really works, and the writing is really good, and the performers are really good, and you have a shorthand,

and you know when you're really dialed in, that is so fucking fun. And I've had a few of those moments, and one of them was really when I was the most dialed in and felt like I was in a work environment in that way, was working with that guy right there with JB, when we did Arrest Development. There were a few months in there in my life

where I was like, fucking fuck, we are dialed right now. This feels great. And it's hard, but you guys did that at a level for years. What's that like when you go from that and what's the morning after like? Is it like, when you ended up going and doing amazing things after, but I mean the morning after a show like Cheers,

what was that like? My technique, you know, I think I have a little bit of that, I don't know, my mother's spiritual, religious, whatever, you know, pride goeth before a fall and all of that, it does smack of false humility. Here's how I handled Cheers Passing. I fucked up my life so publicly and so thoroughly that the actual passing of Cheers was, oh, it's over? It was that kind of, so I don't really know.

I was more focused on trying to be better, Ted. And that was preoccupying me more than the end of cheers. I see. Well, it sounds like your priorities were in check then. Yeah, and I really worked very hard on myself and I don't think Mary would have even been walking down the same hallway as me if I hadn't. I don't think she would have even seen me.

But that's life, man. I mean, we all handle things differently. Look, I can admit there have been lots of situations in my own life where I haven't handled it the best have been lots of situations in my own life Where I haven't handled it the best way It doesn't mean that in the moment but over time where I've kind of acted out in certain ways that were not the best representation of me or the best version of me and and I've and I've

You know felt a lot of shame about that and I've been Beat myself up about it and stuff. And at the end of the day, it's just, that's life. We're all kind of dealing with it in the moment and figuring it out as we go. You find the lane by like hitting the guardrails on both sides. Yeah, yeah.

And if your intention is to wake up, then all these little wounds or whatever can, a godsend in a way. But then I would imagine that it was, cause me as well, you know, it sounds like really challenging things in personal life kind of were at the same time as really good things or important things in the professional life and how those can sometimes help one another or fight one another.

So then when the show ended, you were navigating a challenging time for yourself, question mark. And then what was then that probably was somewhat scary for you to no longer have this, this, this cocoon of the show and the family and routine. You got sort of a new version of yourself coming online internally and externally. What was the, was there a gap for the next kind of hammock pole, if you will, by with a job that, that sort of brought you back up again and matched the growth you were doing personally

with the success professionally? Well, you know, it came, once again, I think I was just, I was really excited to discover who I am, you know, and stop being a liar and being emotionally, as you know, this is ongoing process, obviously, and stop being a liar and being emotionally as, you know, this is ongoing process, obviously, but as being emotionally mature for the first time in my life or trying to be.

I was fascinated. I had an amazing mentor. So that truly was what was preoccupying me. But then right away I got a, Sherri Lansing is actually responsible for Mary and I being together. It was a terrible movie, but we were both cast in it. And we both came to each other at the,

she had just broken up from a four year relationship and was saying to friends, I know I look like I should be good at relationship, but I don't, I can't, I'm not. Obviously I'm not that person. I have two beautiful kids, I'll be good at relationship, but I don't, I can't, I'm not. Obviously I'm not that person. I have two beautiful kids, I'll leave it at that. I was going, well, truly you can fuck up any relationship and it's you, Ted, that's doing it,

so maybe you need to just not be in a relationship. And we met and we became friends, having declared to each other that same kind of feeling that we both had of being kind of flops at relationship and just fell head over, we fell head over heel, I'll speak for myself, in love and have been inseparable ever since. It's been one of the more successful Hollywood relationships

and how long has it been? It's the 29 of the more successful Hollywood relationships. I mean, how long has it been? It's the... 29 married, 31 together. I mean, that's incredible. No way. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe how much money I lost on that. Sorry. And I hate, I hate admitting it. No, but... But the odds were just, you couldn't avoid them, right, Will? Yeah, you couldn't.

I mean, look at that. She's so cute. This is yesterday. Mary on her screensaver. This is yesterday. Come on. That's so fucking great, dude. Yeah, that's why my life really works, truly.

Yeah. We'll be right back. All right, back to the show. We'll be right back. All right, back to the show. Ted, you know what's so funny is we often ask people when they come on here, we're like, well, you've done this and what would you want to do? You've fucking done it all. You've done every genre.

You've done Broadway, you've done comedy, you've done drama, you've done film, you've done, like you've done, so I don't even know where to go with that. Like which one do you like? I want to keep trying to experience what it is to be funny or explore the human frailty or whatever you want to call it. It doesn't, it can be drama as long as it has wit, you know, and humor somewhere in there.

But I want to know what that's like at every age. I want to keep acting and I'm 77 in a few months. It's different, it's different. Trying to figure out how to be funny. You look amazing. Hey, you know what? We've been on this fucking podcast for like almost an hour and that's the first time anyone has said how good I look.

You look great, and you are great, and what is it that you watch? Do you watch a lot of stuff? Do you devour other material too? Like what are the things that? Yeah, anything you're watching right now that's making you really laugh. Hey, all three of you may have made me laugh

so much over the years, and you do have different styles. Not today. It is, but... What? Not today? Are you kidding me? You should have seen me while you all were bantering.

I was doing spit takes. They told me not to. Okay. You seem, you're so aware of sort of the, of bullshit, and you seem so, you seem so good about being not full of bullshit and being real, being honest with yourself. It seems like you really, or at least you really make me laugh when you play these characters that they act like they are smarter than they actually are.

They act like they're- Damages to me was one of the funniest things I got to do. Because that's the epitome of that. Exactly, it's sort of behaving like you're more confident than you actually are because you are aware of how fragile confidence and intelligence really is. Because you're honest with yourself about that. Is that kind of accurate?

You like playing those characters that kind of have this Like you like playing those characters that are, that kind of have this kind of thin veneer that you enjoy showing the audience kind of cracks in? Yeah, I love the silliness of men. I love being a silly man. Yeah, I love that too. And I would like to be, you know, it can be disguised, it can be, but you know, we're silly. We're silly creatures, and I love that.

Yeah, we're so flawed. Yeah, and I do love humor that comes out of sadness. I do love that. It's so much fucking suffering. And if you can find a way to laugh while acknowledging the sadnesses of life, that I am so happy when you get to do that. Well, then you're gonna die laughing

if you read Sean's Wikipedia page. Hey listen. Wait a minute, Ted. I was looking through your earlier credits and I see that you did an episode of BJ and the Bear. That sounds like something right up my alley. Yes, no it's not, Sean, it's not. What are you talking about, BJ and the Bear?

No, no, no, it's not BJ with the Bear. No, it's BJ and. It's not BJ from a bear. No, no, no, it's not BJ with the bear. No, it's BJ and. It's not BJ from a bear. So. Um. So. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Hey, you guys are like a basketball team of three-pointers. You know, one of the shooting guards gets hot

and the rest of you just sit along and let him run. Way to go, Ted. Now you got Sean thinking about a basketball team. Hey, listen. I... I... I... I...

I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I...

I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I... I...'ll do anything. I really will, pretty much do anything.

You're so lucky you get to work so much in Los Angeles too, my God. I know, that is amazing. You know what I forgot about? You did those three men and a baby, right? Remember those? Yes, those are great. You must remember, you were in them.

What was that? Huge success. Those were huge hits, right, Ted? I mean, one was, the other one the first one was like gangbusters I mean, I don't know. Yeah huge huge amount of millions and then the second one which was pretty well done And I remember having lunch with Jeffrey Katzenberg and saying because it was about to come out three men and a little lady And we're we're gonna do great. We are keeping our eye on this other show, kind of small show coming out called Home Alone,

but I think we'll do great. You came out the same weekend? Yeah. Oh my God. Blew us out of the water. Wow. That was 1990 or something like that? Yeah.

No. Oh my God. But those, I mean, those were, what was the biggest, what was the hardest part on those movies? Because you're working with a baby. Was it working with a baby or waiting for Tom Selleck to glue on his mustache? Because I would imagine.

No, leave that man alone. He's one of my favorites. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I love the guy. Are you kidding? I love him, I'm joking. He's one of the true gentlemen in our business. Of course.

I've never heard a bad thing about him. Same. No. That's why I made they. He's one of the true gentlemen in our business. Of course. I've never heard a bad thing about him. Same. No. That's why I made the joke. He's great. If he sucked, I wouldn't. He's incredible. I, Magnum P.I. for me was the fucking greatest. But was-

I lost the job due to, due to Magnum P.I. The first year of Magnum, I played a murderous schmuck husband who's getting the shit beat out of him on a boat by Tom Selleck. And it was the first time I realized I had a big ball spot on the back of my head, because there was an overhead shot of, you know,

this incredible Hulk of a man, handsome guy, beating the shit out of this wimpy, murderous husband with the ball spot. And I swear to God, this is true. Please, Steven Spielberg listens to your show, I'm sure. Oh, a lot. But my version of, and I hope it's true, was he was talking to me about poltergeist.

Then he happened to, within a week or two, see the Magnum PI episode, and I heard he was no longer interested. And... Well, but then he hires Craig T. Nelson, who's no Sasquatch, you know? Pfft! I mean, God bless.

Yes, you're right, you're right. He was thinning, he was thinning, yeah. Yeah. So maybe I made that up. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he just didn't like my work that could well be I just like the no Sasquatch as well It's not like a turn people you hey look at this guy he's no Sasquatch

Well, I'm just auditioning it Keep it wait wait Ted before we let you go. No, I'm on a roll, I don't want to go. No, you don't have to go, please, we love having you. What was the last, do you remember the last audition you had? It had to have been pre-chairs.

It was probably for a feature, I think it was probably, it was a really funny movie, the first 10 minutes didn't work and then it just took off. I think it was ended up coming out called The Amateurs. It was called The Moguls for a while. It was Jeff Bridges in the small town and he decides the only way to put the town on the map is for them to do the whole town to participate in an amateur porn.

And that was going gonna put us all, you probably didn't see it, it's really kind of wonderful. But I auditioned for that. I feel like the last audition I had was Hudsucker Proxy, Phone Brothers film. Oh, I remember. Really? I bet it wasn't the last one I did, but it was the last one I really remember

because boy, I wanted that bad. I don't think auditions are bad though, because don't you want to make sure you're right for the part? Yes, I say that all the time. You get an offer, and then the first time anyone sees your plan for the character is right before you shoot it,

while you're rehearsing the scene, and you can take a big swing, and they go, you can hear the silence, and there's no time to recast you, or to give you a note to put you on a different track. It's tough, yeah. Yeah, Sean, last audition, do you remember? Uh-oh.

I don't know, some Jake Gyllenhaal movie years and years and years ago. I can't remember. Wow, doesn't it? Yeah, Willie? I feel like there's a BJ and a bear joke coming in here, so. No, no, no, that was an offer.

I mean, I think it was. I mean, it was, because it was through a bush. It was through a bush and it was just, hey. Just a bunch of cash and a low voice. And they hand the papers through the bush, through the bushes. You got to have an answer. Come on, what's the answer? No, I know, I know. I'm just trying to think what it was.

I think I... How about Arrested Development? That audition was great, I was with Tony Hale and you, last one, we were all in the room together, you, me, crushed it. Jason, you auditioned for that too. I just kind of assumed it was you and yours. No, no, no, I auditioned hard for that one.

I was very surprised I got an audition for that. But the only reason Mitch Hurwitz read me for that is because he remembered me from auditioning for some pilot like a few years earlier that I didn't get, but he remember liking me for. Wasn't it the hockey one? Perhaps, I'm not sure, but boy, that show saved my life. You all have made me, I get to say this, don't cut it,

have made me laugh so hard, not only today, but in everything you've done over the years. That got you, Ted. Likewise. Such a joy to sit in the. And a lot this hour, too. Thank you so, so, so much. Thanks for being here, Ted.

I appreciate it. Ted, I'm going to say this, and I don't throw this term around lately. You know, it's coming your way, you know? What are you going to say? Say, you're a world-class jerk-off. No, I'm not going to say that. I'm going to say, you're a fucking national hero. You really are. You really are, dude.

You are a treasure. And I just couldn't think any more highly of you. I just think that you're a great guy and you're so great at what you do for so long. And keep doing it. And I'm glad you're doing a show with the great Mike Schur, whom we adore and is an unbelievable talent in his own right. And just thanks for doing this, man.

It's what a thrill to be able to sit here with you and talk to you. Honestly, it's just an absolute thrill for me, so thank you. Podcasts are cool, man. Podcasts are cool. Thank you for showing us the way. And congrats on yours. Yeah, I can't wait to listen to that.

Yeah, by the way, yeah, you and Woody, you and Woody, it turns out you got good chemistry. Yeah. Yeah, because he's so, I'm the straight guy and he's just all over the map. He's such a... Love him. I love him so much. I do too.

Just quickly, and then we'll go goodbye. My favorite is Woody's during Cheers. If you were 15 minutes late, it was okay. If you're a half hour late, hey, we're, by 45 minutes late, people get pissed, and it was about 45 minutes late, no Woody. Somebody comes running in and said, oh, I forgot to tell you, Woody is in Berlin.

The wall is coming down and he didn't want to miss it. Oh my God. Literally. No way. The Floyd show, yeah. No way. Good for him. He was like, fuck it, I'm not missing this.

It must have been wild, Ted, to watch the evolution of Woody Harrelson from getting the part and starting out at the end of the series to what he had become as a human being and as an activist and as everything, as a movie star. And he's a wonderful actor. I love him. He sure is.

And the more popular, or if he gets nominated, my little revenge is to watch his film on my cell phone. Yeah. Just a big movie star. Hey, I'm his film on my cell phone. You know, just a big movie star. Hey, I'm watching you on my cell phone. That's great. I love that. Anyway, Teddy, we love you.

Love you, enjoy the rest of your trip over there. Thank you for doing this a lot. Get rest, good luck with your film. Oh, you woke me up. This hour did wonders for me. Thank you so much. You did. Thank you.

Bye, bye, bye. Bye, bye, bye. Well, he just lifted me up. I was just gonna say, God, I love that guy's vibe. I mean. Something else, huh? Easy breezy, easy like summer morning. I'd love to work, I don't think he and I

have ever worked together. I'd love to work with him. Says a lot about you. Well, but I mean, it seems like. No, just that you're not sure is what it is. Well, but I mean, it seems like- No, just that you don't, you're not sure is what is going on right now. Well, but I guess what I'm saying is that we've had so many years in television,

I bet you we've been part of the same sort of like- Up friends. Yeah, or like charity, you know, kind of a telethon or whatever the fuck, you know? I do think it's funny, I do think it's a very funny thing in this town where, I won't say who it is, but I ran into a person that is known in the world, and she said-

Male or female, because I'll guess it. Female, and she said- I've got it. I said, hey, I said, what's going on? She's like, have you ever been to her house? And it's like, if anybody from Chicago, where I'm from, you know who's been inside of your house. But I don't know, I disagree with that.

I've said a million times to people coming over, although I'm not much of a barometer, but I'll be surprised. I'll say like, have you not been over before? Because if I've been friends with somebody for a long time, you forget whether you're over at your house or my house, you know? Because if I've been friends with somebody for a long time, you forget whether, you know, you're like over your house or my house, you just like assume. I don't know.

Anyway, Teddy. Teddy's great. Teddy is the greatest. Teddy's great. Teddy's great. Will, nice guest. He's so great. And yeah, and you know, Ted and Woody have their podcast,

which he was alluding to, that I did the first episode of. Yes, that's very nice. By the way, now I'm taking credit. Like I was on the, I didn't even know. Yeah, well, you launched it. Yeah. I launched the show that I did the first episode of. Yes, that's very nice. By the way, now I'm taking credit. Like I was on the, I didn't even know. Yeah, well you launched it. Yeah. That I launched the show that I launched. That they're doing is also on Sirius like us.

Yeah, we are now on Sirius. We're all under the nice, beautiful roof of Sirius. Yeah. SiriusXM. So check it out. It's called Everybody Knows Your Name. Which is, I guess, an allusion to- Which is a nod to the song.

Alluding to something. The song, the song, the Cheers song. I know, Sean. The theme song. I got it. Making a joke, you stupid-ass. Right now I want to go where nobody knows my name after that. Anyway.

I was looking at a lot of- Here we go. Fucking here we go. I was looking at a lot of here we go fucking here Before you get into it, can I just say this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so even if we haven't done a show in a couple weeks Go ahead You can see you come across the street I can see the ramp up Yeah, I can see you know, you know can see, you know when a soccer player gets ready to take a penalty kick? All the time, yeah.

And they do that thing, they little sort of stutter step before they get a good, but I can see you doing your little stutter step. I can hear your engines rev up, like a semi trucker. Zzzz. Anyway, I was looking at his resume. You were looking at Ted's credits. You're looking at Ted's credits. I was looking at Ted's credits.

And I was like, well, and you tell me, you stop me when you hear something that you might want to know more about, all right? He was on Help Me Help You, I remember that show. He was on Heist for two episodes. He was on something called Bye Bye Benjamin. Then he was on Knights of the South Bronx. And then our, was there one in there you wanna know about?

Well, tell me more about Bye Bye Benjamin. Oh yeah, that's the one. That was the worst? What's it called? Still rolling, you wanna go back to one? Do you want one more shot at that one? It's called Bye, Bye Benjamin. When you got to that title, you should have just hit it.

I know, I was setting you up as a courtesy. What is happening? Do we need to send somebody over to the house to do like a fucking wellness check on you? What is happening? What's wrong with you? Alright, there's a show called Help Me Help You, and then you did Heist, and then you did a show called Bye Bye Benjamin! Why does it always need to go up into an octave that has never been established by any bird

or... Smart. Less. Smart. Less. Smart. Less. Smart.

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