Smosh Mouth - #101 - Reading More Bad 2 Sentence Horror Stories

Starting point is 00:00:00 These days I can do anything from my phone, book a vacation, order a meal from a five-star restaurant, buy and trade stocks, but maybe the most amazing thing I can do is make my dirty laundry disappear and then reappear perfectly washed and folded. I have rinse to thank for that. I just schedule a pickup in the rinse app or at rinse.com. A rinse valet comes to get my clothes and before I know it, they're back, crisply folded and ready to wear. They even do dry cleaning, which is returned hanging in a nice rinse garment bag. And with rinse, my satisfaction is guaranteed. If for any reason I'm not happy, they'll re-clean my clothes for free.

Starting point is 00:00:37 Best of all, rinse saves me tons of time each week. That's time I get to do something I love versus something I have to do. So if you want to save loads of time by not doing loads of laundry, remember, there's an app for that. Rinse. Sign up now and get $20 off your first order at Rinse.com. That's R-I-N-S-E.com. Hi there. My name's Andy. And my name's Anna. And we are two of the four hosts of the podcast No Such Thing As A Fish. We present every week the most amazing, wonderful, insane, hilarious, bizarre facts you've ever heard. Facts like, did you know America has a national grocery bag packing competition? Did you know, Anna, the company Volkswagen sells more sausages than it does cars?

Starting point is 00:01:21 Yes, we've got those two facts and about a billion more in our podcast archives for you to listen to. We chat about them, we laugh about them, we make the occasional terrible pun. It's great fun. It's called No Such Thing As A Fish. Why don't you listen now? Hi, welcome to Smosh Mouth. I'm Shane.

Starting point is 00:01:41 And I'm Amanda. And we have a wonderful guest with us today, Tommy. I found myself sitting in a chair with two people, but then I found out it was Smosh Mouth. Two cents horror. Whoa. Wait, hey. Should I take offense to that?

Starting point is 00:01:59 Yeah. No. Good. And I won't, because I'm taking the high road. That's great. There you go. But then it turns out the high road had the goblins. Oh, two sentence horror.

Starting point is 00:02:07 Two sentence horror. Two sentence horror. Today we're going to be reading some two sentence horror stories. We haven't done this in a minute. We did it once. It's been a year? It's been well over a year.

Starting point is 00:02:17 Wow. We read these with Damien a long time ago. It was a blast. But now there's been some time for more two sentence horror stories to accrue, and primarily some bad ones. So we're gonna be reading a bunch of those, and Tommy, you're joining us for it.

Starting point is 00:02:32 Thank you so much. I also like spooky things, so I feel good here. You're a spooky guy. May I say, I think two sentence horrors are almost always bad. I don't know if there's any that made me go, oh, that's spooky. No. I don't know if there's any that made me go, oh, that's spooky. It's, no.

Starting point is 00:02:47 I think there's some, because there's the classic that we read last time where it's like your mom calls for you up in the second story, and you're walking up the stairs, and then all of a sudden you hear from the kitchen, no, don't go up there, I heard it too, your mom's voice from the kitchen.

Starting point is 00:03:02 Oh, wait, yeah. So you don't know who's your mom. It's like, oh what? There's none that are gonna be like actually scary, but it's kind of more like, ooh, a spooky thought. You know, like a good setup for a world or a story. Oh, I forget this is like for like a younger brain too, perhaps, maybe I'm a jaded old man.

Starting point is 00:03:22 I think it's all over the place. I think it just depends on the jade too. I'm not a hater, I'm excited. This is gonna be great. I'm not excited, I'm not a jaded old man. I think it's all over the place. I think it just depends on the jade too. I'm not a hater, I'm excited. This is gonna be great. I'm not excited, I'm not a jaded old man. I'm just a wonderful man. I'm a wonderful regular age man. You're regular aged.

Starting point is 00:03:34 Regular, that's what my doctor said. And that's very good. I haven't been to the doctor in a year. That's not true. Uh oh. It's not true. What's up? Don't do that, not good.

Starting point is 00:03:43 Okay. I go to the doctor all the time. I don't know why. Well, because you have a human baby inside. Because we're checking in on that. I'm like, what's that feeling? A foot? Okay.

Starting point is 00:03:53 A foot in the ribs. A foot in the ribs, aw, he's playing xylophone. Yeah, he is. Aw, cute. So cute. What's been going on, guys? We have a little... What?

Starting point is 00:04:05 Okay, so let me be honest, guys? We have a little. What? Okay, so let me be honest. I accrued a bunch of bad two cents horrors. And he's worried that it's not enough. I'm worried that I don't have enough that if we start reading them now, we're gonna run out. I get it. And I'd rather talk now. What's the last horror movie you watched?

Starting point is 00:04:21 It kinda counts as a horror movie. Warfare, that A24, like, Iraq movie. Oh yeah, it's on. Wait, the one with the kids running like this? No, that's Weapons. Oh, okay. I was like, that's... I'm talking about Weapons.

Starting point is 00:04:33 That movie looks scary. No, I wanna watch that so bad. I wanna see Bring Her Back, but I haven't seen it yet. I watched Bring Her Back. Okay. It's out? Yes, it is out. I've heard people say they loved it.

Starting point is 00:04:42 He didn't like it. Okay, I didn't not like it. It's very contained. Okay. It's very like, we have one set, and you're like, me! Ah. Oh, it's the bathtub.

Starting point is 00:04:54 What? It's the kitchen. I mean, it's the bathroom, isn't it? All set in a bathroom? It's the KFC. It's not all set in a bathroom. Okay, well. That's interesting though,

Starting point is 00:05:02 I wanna know what you're thinking about. What the hell is going on? What movie am I thinking of? you're thinking about. What the hell is going on? What movie am I thinking of? You're thinking of Bathroom. Isn't it The Woman from Blue Jasmine? Don't worry about it. Maybe, anyway, it's good, it's good, it is good.

Starting point is 00:05:14 It's kind of got that like, a friend of a friend was like, it made me cry again. And I was like, it made you cry. Again. Again. I mean, there's some, it's like was like, it made you cry. Again. Again. I mean, there's some, it's like acty, if that makes sense. It's like drama acty with like a little bit of horror. But there's some things where it's like,

Starting point is 00:05:33 I wish we explored that more, but instead we did like the, this is a human story. As opposed to the like, okay, well you have like a freak ass demon thing right there. Why aren't we talking about that? Cause it's about, cause bring your backs about grief, right? Yes. like, okay, well you have like a freak ass demon thing right there. Why aren't we talking about that? But I'm a horror guy. Because Bring Her Back is about grief, right? Yes.

Starting point is 00:05:48 Because their previous movie, Talk to Me, is like one of my favorite horror movies. I loved Talk to Me. And Talk to Me is very clearly about drugs. Like just very clearly about drugs, but I thought it was so awesome. I haven't seen it since I saw it in theaters, but that's probably one of my favorites. There's been some just banger horror movies these past few years. Really good horror movies. That and Barbarian, I mean, dude.

Starting point is 00:06:11 And then Long Legs came around, and you were like, all right. Long Legs was- Nick Cage did that. The trailer was so awesome. It was so awesome. They were like, you're going to fucking freak out about this movie. And then I watched it, and I was like, what?

Starting point is 00:06:24 And it's Nick Cage being like, ah, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. No, the first half of the movie was like, we're not gonna let you see him. And then all of a sudden they're just in the store and they're like, by the way, he looks like this. And he's like, hello! And I'm like, oh. He spent this whole time waiting?

Starting point is 00:06:37 And then he's like, actually, I make dolls and it's about demons, I don't know. Yeah, Long Leg legs was, yeah. Well, I told you what happened to me at long legs. I went to go see it at the Vista, and I went by myself, which was great, a bold move, but I loved it, and I sat down, and an old lady was sitting behind me, right?

Starting point is 00:06:58 No big deal. She was alone. She was alone. Oh. She had her mask, but it was here. She had a mask on, it was here. Terrifying. No one's wearing masks really anymore, but it was alone. Oh. She had her mask, but it was here. She had a mask on, it was here. Terrifying. No one's wearing masks really anymore, but it was here.

Starting point is 00:07:08 She decided to get up, and the whole theater's pretty much open, and then sit next to me. Yep. And the whole time, she kept turning her head to look at me. I... Oh, well she's inspecting.

Starting point is 00:07:23 Can I? Yes, this happened. And I looked at her, and she went inspecting. Can I? Yes, this happened and I looked at her and she went and looked away. Oh, for about 10 minutes. Did you ever say can I help you? I didn't say can I help you I was very close and then she got up and went back to her seat Maybe she thought you were her daughter. I don't know. You know what's so weird is On several occasions I've seen movies by myself and that shit has happened multiple times. Tame old lady? No, just like people, another person comes and sits

Starting point is 00:07:50 and it'll be like an empty row and they'll come and sit down next to you. And I've had this, a guy sat down next to me, kind of was looking around and then he got up and he moved away after that. And I was like, what the hell is going on? Y'all are doing solo movies wrong. Wait, what should we be doing?

Starting point is 00:08:05 Okay, there's row one, row two, maybe row three up front. No one ever wants to sit there. Then there's like barricade, row, row, row, row, row, row, right, your boat, gentlemen downstream. Right in front of the barricade, we've got our accessibility pockets, but then there's usually one or two seats that are solo there. And you do those.

Starting point is 00:08:26 You pop those when you go select, select, purchase. Oh, I should do that. You do that, that's the solo one. See, the Vista didn't have that. The Vista's just like old school. Right, so you're just sitting anywhere. And when you go by yourself, it's always like an invitation.

Starting point is 00:08:39 There's always that person that's like, I know. But that's what happens when you're solo going somewhere usually. Because people are like, who's that? But they don't normally say anything to you. Well, it's a movie theater. Is it like a, is it, is there like a secret? Is there like a society of like, is this like a

Starting point is 00:08:53 What's going on here? I got to know if like there's something that I'm missing here that this is a way that people meet up or something. It's like, like swingers or something where it's like, Oh, well you had the pineapple. It's like, well, I didn't, what do I, I'm just I'm just saying the old lady was hoping to take me home. I don't know She's like you're my daughter. No no you can be a different kind of daughter That's a horror movie, but Julie I've seen maybe in my life. I've seen six movies by myself in theaters right yeah, probably that

Starting point is 00:09:24 Saw hereditary by myself oh theaters right yeah probably that oh yeah I saw hereditary by myself oh fun that was incredible and I saw talk to me by myself I've seen other ones by myself but those are the two self is scary I would say yeah I saw twice I did see I saw talk to me by myself technically because I was there by myself and then suddenly Luke and some other people came and sat in the row in front of me some co coworkers. Oh, got it. So you were alone at first. I was alone at first,

Starting point is 00:09:48 but then I technically watched it with them. They just didn't know that they were watching it with me. See, that's a horror movie. Did you tap their shoulder? No, I waited until after the movie, then we talked. You waited until after the movie? They walked in as the trailers were already going. So it was like the movie was kind of starting.

Starting point is 00:10:01 And you respect the trailers. I'm just gonna chill here. I came to watch a movie by myself. I'm gonna chill here. Good for you. Okay. When you go to the movie was kind of starting you respect the trailer chill here like I came to watch a movie by myself I'm gonna chill here for you. Okay? When you go to the movie theater, I'm sorry I just remembered something and I'm really passionate about it love it Some people Go the movie is listed to start at 915 I'm gonna leave my home at 9.15.

Starting point is 00:10:25 And I'm like, what? I hate them. I wanna be in my chair with my giant sugar-free root beer that I will drink two of, which is a two liter bottle. That's, how do you not get up and pee? I do, but I run. I was gonna say. No.

Starting point is 00:10:43 How do you, movie theater, how do you movie theater, do you get there way before and you sit and you know you're like on time and all that or are you like I'm not gonna watch the previews, I don't care if I miss the first five minutes of the movie. No. Sometimes all the exposition is in the first five minutes of the movie.

Starting point is 00:10:58 If I miss the first five minutes of a movie, I'm leaving. I don't go. I'm like I've missed the movie. I went and saw the new Mission Impossible movie, which by the way is one of the worst movies ever made. No! No, no, it's- He did his own stunts again!

Starting point is 00:11:11 It's hilarious. No! Did you like the other Mission Impossibles? They were fine, but I- Whoa. But anyway, we- Okay. I was with, I was with, I was with my Luke,

Starting point is 00:11:21 and then we went and we showed up like 10 minutes into the movie and they were like, now we've gotta go and I'm like, go where? And so for like 30 minutes we were like, I don't know what this movie's about. Why were you late? Because other people in the household

Starting point is 00:11:35 wanted to leave when the movie started. You should have left them. I would have said no. I would have said no. I know. We're not doing that. That is shocking behavior. When the movie started or when the movie was listed to start?

Starting point is 00:11:45 Listed to start. That's when they leave. Because then it takes 22 minutes to get to the theater. Then I want to get my giant soda. Then we got to walk into the theater and sit down. What was their logic? What was their logic for leaving when the movie starts? Well, then they don't have to watch the previews.

Starting point is 00:11:56 But the previews are the best part. I love previews. I love trailers. James is nodding his head. James, where do you stand on this? James, are you a freak like that? James, are you a freak? Do you leave?

Starting point is 00:12:04 I've timed the trailers. He's timedding his head, James, where do you stand on this? James, are you a freak like that? James, are you a freak? Do you leave? I've timed the trailers. He's timed the trailers. Show up right before the movie. And Alexina is agreeing with that. We have monsters in this room with us. Monsters, monsters. I actually don't respect you guys. I love trailers, I love trailers.

Starting point is 00:12:18 At all. I don't respect you, I don't wanna see you. James, I do not trust you behind the cameras right now. Yeah, when we turn off the cameras, do not approach me. No respect for cinematography if you are manning these cameras. This is awful. The previews are the best part. You want to get your seat. Cozy on up. Get cozy. Put your whole bowl of popcorn before the movie starts.

Starting point is 00:12:40 I get frustrated with how many trailers there are sometimes. But I like to be there for when the trailers start. These days I can do anything from my phone. Book a vacation, order a meal from a five-star restaurant, buy and trade stocks. But maybe the most amazing thing I can do is make my dirty laundry disappear and then reappear perfectly washed and folded. I have Rinse to thank for that. I just schedule a pickup in the R rinse app or at rinse.com.

Starting point is 00:13:05 A rinse valet comes to get my clothes and before I know it, their back crisply folded and ready to wear. They even do dry cleaning, which is returned hanging in a nice rinse garment bag. And with rinse, my satisfaction is guaranteed. If for any reason I'm not happy, they'll re-clean my clothes for free. Best of all, rinse saves me tons of time each week. That's time I get to do something I love versus something I have to do. So if you want to save loads of time by not doing loads of laundry, remember there's an app for that, Rinse. Sign up

Starting point is 00:13:37 now and get $20 off your first order at Rinse.com. That's R-I-N-S-E dot com. rince.com. That's r-i-n-s-e dot com. Hi there, my name's Andy. And my name's Anna. And we are two of the four hosts of the podcast No Such Thing As A Fish. We present every week the most amazing, wonderful, insane, hilarious, bizarre facts you've ever heard. Facts like, did you know America has a national grocery bag packing competition? Did you know, Anna, that company Volkswagen sells more sausages than it does cars? Yes, we've got those two facts and about a billion more in our podcast archives

Starting point is 00:14:12 for you to listen to. We chat about them, we laugh about them, we make the occasional terrible pun. It's great fun. It's called No Such Thing As A Fish. Why don't you listen now? I see it weird when the music's like, it's fun, it's part of the like, part of the thing. I have getting there anxiety, you know? Oh yeah, absolutely. I like to just be at the place that I want to be at.

Starting point is 00:14:33 Me too. I don't like being late if that, you know? I hate it when you're trying to find parking. Oh, the parking is- And you're so stressed out and you're like, we're gonna miss the movie. Right. I won't go. It is a story set in time for one chunk of time.

Starting point is 00:14:45 You're gonna miss part of the story. It's storytelling. Yes, and the opening is like the most important part. I wonder if it's an LA thing, because I do think in LA people are late. People are late to a lot of shit in LA. It pisses me off when people are super late. I wonder if people listening or watching this

Starting point is 00:15:01 from other states or countries are gonna be like, who does that? But it's like common in LA. It's also just or countries are gonna be like, who does that? But it's like common in LA. Yeah, that's true. It's also just common in LA to be like, oh, we're having this thing, this dinner, this lunch, this whatever, and it's like, people are gonna show up 45 minutes late.

Starting point is 00:15:14 Yeah. Like that's just kind of a normal thing. And that's so interesting to me. It's like, being late to like events, okay, I can understand, but being late to a movie, like missing 15 minutes? That's what I mean. That's just. I'll show up too late to like events, okay I can understand, but being late to a movie, like missing 15 minutes? That's what I mean. I'll show up to late to an event,

Starting point is 00:15:29 cause they'll expect people to show up. It's a window. There's some things that are a window. A movie starts at a time and that story's beginning. If you miss five minutes, you don't know what's going on. Well I'm not friends with those people anymore. Some people just don't care about the movies that much. I think that's kind of the situation.

Starting point is 00:15:44 I think they don't really care. I don't think they like movies that much. They're there to just like be there with friends. That's really hard for me to handle So James James has actually timed it out expertly I'm with people that have not done that okay Well to be fair Alexina works production. She knows how to time things out That's true. You're with people who- Are winging it. They're winging it. Winging it.

Starting point is 00:16:08 No, no, no, I don't hang out with those people anymore. They're excommunicated from my life. Let's be real, like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We don't go to movies together, or I say, fuck off, I'm going in there. Right. Okay, I have a question. Yes.

Starting point is 00:16:21 If you go to the movies and you saw a couple or people who also went to the movies and you know them, you're like, oh my God, it's so good to see you, but you weren't planning on it. Do you guys then sit together or you go, oh. Well, most of the time there's reserved seats at these spots. Imagine if there wasn't. You're gonna sit and watch a movie anyway,

Starting point is 00:16:39 and you're not gonna, listen, if it's a horrible, horrible movie, I love going over and be like, this guy's gonna die. You know, like, I love being like, who the fuck's that guy? But if it's just like a couple and then it's you, and maybe you and someone else, it's like, we're just gonna sit there and watch this anyway. So you kind of, do you like assume?

Starting point is 00:16:57 And then like I'd chat, and especially if we're here early before the movie. Yeah, yeah. We'll chat for a bit and then I'll be like, okay, let's debrief after, you know? And then we go and sit and watch and then come out. And you do your own thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:09 Okay. Yeah. Cool. What about you? Are you like, let's sit together? No. I'm the same way, but I think I saw, this was years ago I saw friends

Starting point is 00:17:17 and I felt like they were mad at me and maybe that was just, I don't know, because I really wanted to sit in this spot and they're like, oh, we'll see you in there, come sit with us. No. And I went. You got your spot.

Starting point is 00:17:29 Oh, yeah, and I got really overwhelmed by it, and I was like, oh no, Amanda, what are you doing? And Gardia was like, it doesn't matter, let's just sit with them, and I was like, but I don't know where they're sitting, it's gotta be a specific spot. And then we walked in and they were not sitting in the place I wanted to sit.

Starting point is 00:17:43 Were they sitting like far in the back? They were sitting far in the back, and I don't like that shit. I don't like that either. I like middle center. Yep, middle center. Middle center. You're in the movie theater, you want it to be big.

Starting point is 00:17:51 You want it to be big. You don't want to be up front going like whoa. And you don't want to be in the back. Hey? Right. So I didn't sit with them. And then after they were like, did you like the movie? Mm.

Starting point is 00:18:03 And I was like, oh no, are we done? Is this over? It's over, you're gonna excommunicate them. It's a real thing that I still think about. I will say I am an aisle, not a center, but that's because I've got a pee half of a two liter aisle. See, I am mathematical about how much water I drink. I don't drink soda because that'll make me pee.

Starting point is 00:18:20 So I get a bottle of water and I'm timing it out that I'm like, okay No, I'm an H or a G aisle for sure HG my shit H 13. Come on Anyone can snag you anyone can grab your leg. I'm not getting snatched. What I've got a pee You and snap snapped you up. Okay, this is where we're different here. I don't know what's going on No, you don't sit in the aisle. It's just and you bring someone with you So you run to the bathroom when you come back and you go? They're on the mission and it's impossible

Starting point is 00:19:02 They're on the mission and it's impossible. It's impossible. And he does his own stunts. Do you just get a bottle of water? I just get a bottle of water or I get the cup and I get the free water and then sometimes I put soda water and I don't tell them. You know what I'm saying? Oh, bad girl.

Starting point is 00:19:19 I'm a bad girl. Oh, crazy. And I literally sip it throughout the whole movie so I don't go overboard. Because I do not like leaving and peeing. No thank you. I don't either. I am not leaving.

Starting point is 00:19:31 So I will sit there with a diaper for the whole, I'm just kidding, I'm not wearing a diaper, I'll just let it go through the seat. Yeah. That's what they're built for. You mentioned. Built for that. They're built for that.

Starting point is 00:19:41 They can handle that. I was not expecting you to say that. That's awesome. Okay. Okay. Do we want to read two sentence horror stories? Yeah, let's do it. Do you feel more secure about it? I pulled up the Reddit. Yeah, I feel a little more secure. Have you cared enough? It could crude enough? I found one from, this is from like a roughly a year ago, not quite a year ago. This is a good one. This one was this like popular on the Two Sentence Horror subreddit. And for those who don't know, Two Sentence Horror is a subreddit on Reddit where people submit Two Sentence Horror stories. This one was written by a user named ThisIsNotChicken.

Starting point is 00:20:18 They wrote in quotations, please God, don't let it look in the closet. I silently prayed. Please God, don't let it look in the closet. It parroted back from the next room. See, so like it's spooky. Like that's like a... A monster was like in their house and it could hear their thoughts. And it repeated it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:39 Did you get it? No, I didn't. I mean, I guess I got it. I was like, wait, does that mean that the monster's hiding from him too and we don't know who the monster is? Think some monster- It makes you think. May I say, I could have used a third sentence on that one.

Starting point is 00:20:56 Yeah, I wish you found some third sentence. I wish you found some three sentences. I have another two sentences. I tucked my child into bed and as I turned to leave they said daddy I think there is someone in my closet when I opened the door to check I only found an empty closet and a note pinned to the inside written in my handwriting. She isn't real That was three sentences, isn't it? That's a semicolon. Can I see a colon. That's a long two sentence, but I liked it.

Starting point is 00:21:26 It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

Starting point is 00:21:33 it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, The mom was taken to another portal, another dimension, and the demon is now the mom at this time, am I right? No, no, no, I think it's the daughter's not real.

Starting point is 00:21:48 The daughter's in bed saying, there's a monster in the closet, he checks the closet, and there's a note that he wrote saying she isn't real. He wrote it himself? It's in his handwriting. That's what he said. So he has to remind himself? Yeah. I guess I like that one.

Starting point is 00:22:01 I don't. I'm gonna say I think I like that one. Now we're gonna read these bad two-sentence horrors and decide these are better. Well, there's others I just wanted to prime us with some good ones. So, okay, we come to theaters. Here we go To cry to cry and although these are these are bad. I should just say trigger warning It's of course. These are scary. Yeah, or or dark subjects. Yeah, these are edgy subjects often. These are people, I think the funniest bad two sentence horrors are when you can tell it's like a teenage dude who is like,

Starting point is 00:22:29 I'm gonna write something so fucked up. And it's just horribly executed. If you are triggered by mediocrity, please turn off the podcast now. We have zero listeners. I'm just kidding. They've all turned to the podcast. Okay, this one's really bad.

Starting point is 00:22:48 Some of these, you can tell they were like, they're being silly. Some of them, I don't know. I think that's what we have to determine. Which ones do we think the person was trying to actually be scary? This first one. My boyfriend never wanted to take me out fishing until I turned into a worm.

Starting point is 00:23:06 Oh, god. My boyfriend never wanted to take me out fishing until I turned into a worm. Oh God. They're being a little silly on that one. You know that meme? You know I don't. Of like the would you love me if I was a worm? No. No? There was a meme going around, okay I love this, I get to be the teacher this time, there was a meme going around of like, girlfriends being like asking their boyfriends like, would you love me if I was a worm? And like just to test how much they love them. Like that that was kind of like the joke and then it kept evolving where you know, whatever. So this just shows that he didn't love her. Well I don't think I would love my partner if they were a worm. That would be

Starting point is 00:23:41 really hard to like, you know, have sex. Yeah. What if they were a big worm? Really big worm. Ah! I don't think I'm into that, guys. I don't want to be slimed. They kind of look just like, dry them off. Dry the worm off.

Starting point is 00:23:57 I'm going to towel the worm down? Yeah, let him roll around in the towel. All right, let's get you dry. Yeah. And then he just, what happens? It looks the same. I mean, it feels the same if you're not looking at it. How do I get him in the towel. All right, let's get you dry. Yeah. And then he just, what happens? It looks the same. I mean, it feels the same if you're not looking at it. How do I get him in the car?

Starting point is 00:24:09 It's a worm. See, I think these. I'm in a big bag. Like a little dog. In a tote? Yeah, tote him around. You'd have to be really funny and fun. I don't think I could do it.

Starting point is 00:24:23 You've got to have a good personality. I don't think I can do it. Good personality. Jane? Jane, next one. OK, one could argue this is actually good, but I found this under like a bad two sentence horror like Twitter. There's an old bit of folklore that says shivers are caused when someone steps on your future grave site.

Starting point is 00:24:42 I'd always dismissed it as just that until I noticed that I couldn't stop shaking whenever my new neighbor was out gardening. I think that one's actually good. Because the neighbor kills them. Yeah. And then buries them in their yard. Okay. Here's another.

Starting point is 00:24:58 These are, these are, this is like, it's okay. I love watching your response. Here's, here's. It's never not gonna be all right. Okay. There's a guy in my class that could only answer 10 to any questions he's asked.

Starting point is 00:25:12 One day, one of my classmates went missing and he now say- Oh my God! That's good! That's good! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

Starting point is 00:25:34 Oh my! You cannot do spelling mistakes like our grammar. You only have two sentences! You can't screw up! You can't spell check it's two sentences! You can't screw up! You can't spell check it's two sentences! And I'll say eleven! Holy shit!

Starting point is 00:25:54 One day one of my classmates went missing! And now he say eleven! And now he say eleven! I think this person wrote this for real. And now you say 11. 11. Oh. I think this person wrote this for real. Yeah. This person was like, this is going to break the internet. People are going to lose their minds.

Starting point is 00:26:13 And now you say 11. And now you say 11 from the twisted mind. Oh. Well, we found Tommy's favorite. Oh, that's so funny. Oh. Well, we found Tommy's favorite I love Tommy's laugh so much

Starting point is 00:26:37 Okay, okay, Tommy's laugh is like this beautiful whale. It's like a wailing woman I have different laughs depending on how hard you got me. It's true, you really do. Is that, I feel like that was close to the peak there. Yeah, it was pretty good. Yeah. Now you say it. Yeah. All right, this one's ridiculous.

Starting point is 00:26:58 My precious toddler who has just learned to speak, daddy, please stop hitting mom, turns into evil toddler, without me. No! I hate that one! What? That one is so dumb! Toddler turns into evil toddler?

Starting point is 00:27:15 Without me. Without me. That one was like, not the best. So who's the hero in this story? Mom? That sucks. There's no winners. She's getting beat by her son and husband.

Starting point is 00:27:28 That sucks. Her father's like, Kimmy, manny. Get the belt. Okay, I think this one might be my favorite. Okay. When we started dating, I didn't notice anything unusual about my partner. But then one day, suddenly horses

Starting point is 00:27:44 weren't called horses anymore. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Are we...is that it? What does that mean? I don't know. When we started dating, I didn't notice anything unusual about my partner, but then one day suddenly horses weren't called horses anymore. Horses weren't called horses anymore. Horses weren't called horses anymore. Does that mean he's dating a horse?

Starting point is 00:28:09 I don't know. Does that? See, isn't that scary? It's scary because it doesn't make sense. We don't know what's going on. Suddenly horses aren't called horses anymore? Hey, it happens. Hey.

Starting point is 00:28:23 Hey. Hey. Oh, speaking of, hey, this next one. Hey, this one is really scary Boy, I am enjoying this sunny day. I hate that. I'm allergic to grain though I said to my friend then the grain rain started Dear I don't like this person rain rain the grain rain Someone's at the back of the bus and it like it's like bouncing around and it bounces really hard and he hits his head on the fucking ceiling of the bus and he's like grain rain. I got it. Grain rain. Grain rain. What? He presses submit on the 11 story and then he's like I got another one, I've got another. Gray and rain. Oh no, these are bad.

Starting point is 00:29:06 Oh my goodness. As I stuck my dick into the glory hole. Whoa! I forgot. Okay, I'm in love with this one so far. I love it. As I stuck my dick into the glory hole, I forgot to read the sign.

Starting point is 00:29:19 It was the penis explosion chamber. These days I can do anything from my phone. Book a vacation, order a meal from a five-star restaurant, buy and trade stocks, but maybe the most amazing thing I can do is make my dirty laundry disappear and then reappear perfectly washed and folded. I have rinse to thank for that. I just schedule a pickup in the rinse app or at rinse.com. A rinse valet comes to get my clothes and before I know it,

Starting point is 00:29:45 they're back, crisply folded and ready to wear. They even do dry cleaning, which is returned hanging in a nice rinse garment bag. And with rinse, my satisfaction is guaranteed. If for any reason I'm not happy, they'll re-clean my clothes for free. Best of all, rinse saves me tons of time each week. That's time I get to do something I love

Starting point is 00:30:04 versus something I have to do. So if you saves me tons of time each week. That's time I get to do something I love versus something I have to do. So if you want to save loads of time by not doing loads of laundry, remember, there's an app for that. Rinse. Sign up now and get $20 off your first order at rinse.com. That's r-i-n-s-e dot com. Hi there. My name's Andy.

Starting point is 00:30:23 And my name's Anna. And we are two of the four hosts of the podcast No Such Thing As A Fish. We present every week the most amazing, wonderful, insane, hilarious, bizarre facts you've ever heard. Facts like, did you know America has a national grocery bag packing competition? Did you know, Anna, that company Volkswagen sells more sausages than it does cars? Yes, we've got those two facts and about a billion more in our podcast archives for you to listen to.

Starting point is 00:30:49 We chat about them, we laugh about them, we make the occasional terrible pun. It's great fun, it's called No Such Thing As A Fish. Why don't you listen now? ["No Such Thing As A Fish"] First of all, he used dick and penis in the same two sentences. I don't know. I know you gotta make a choice. Penis explosion. Penis explosion chamber. So you guys run into those?

Starting point is 00:31:11 Yeah, they have them. Yeah. And how do they explode? What happens? The Eagles got a lot of explosion chambers. Oh the Eagles? Yeah, yeah. Yeah the eagle. That's the gay bar? That's crazy. Yeah, it's a gay bar. I know. So we're like, yeah. It's a good man. The leather bar. Yeah. It's insane. I'd love to go. That you should. You should bring the baby. Oh my god, I would love that. There's a baby explosion shaper. Explosion shaper. Okay. Okay. These are exceptionally awful. I love these. This one's dumb. The man had the option between counting to one billion or 10 years in prison for his punishment. It was only after 20 years when he had lost count

Starting point is 00:31:55 that he realized his mistakes. Oh God, cause it took him. And that man, Mr. Beast. Oh, he hates you. So, okay. It took him 20 years to count to a billion, but he could have served 10. Yeah. Right, and then he lost count,

Starting point is 00:32:11 so he had to start over, I guess. Yes, he started over. Oh, wow, that's so dire. The Count of Monte Cristo. That's so dire starring Tony Clark. That's what it's about. I read that book, Alexander Dumas. Yeah, The Count of Monte Cristo is about this.

Starting point is 00:32:22 He counts, that's why it's so long, because he's counting. I know. Because he's counting. They have a new movie coming out. Did you know that? What? Well here's what's coming is this next two sentence horror story. I cannot wait. And it goes, I cum in the sink. It does not stop. I sink in the cum. Oh! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Whoa! How did he get in his body in that sink?

Starting point is 00:32:48 Oh my! Or is he sinking too, the bottle? I don't know! This is going! I come in the sink. He's gonna drown. I come in the sink. I sink in the cum.

Starting point is 00:32:56 I cum. These guys, these, no, these are bad. This is really awful. That one has to be a bit. That one has to be like. I think that one's a bit. I think this next one's a bit. Bird one, to be like. I think that one's a bit. I think this next one's a bit. Bird one, uh oh.

Starting point is 00:33:07 Bird two, don't worry. He only has one stone. Killed two birds with one stone. Very good, very good. That one actually crushed. That's awesome. I loved that. Can anything beat 11?

Starting point is 00:33:20 We gotta see. No. That might be the piece. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. We're gonna see if something can beat it. As they soaked my legs in salt water, I thought this isn't a very effective way to torture someone until they brought in the goat. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:33:37 What? And why are we laughing? What did I miss? I'm sorry, what? So Spencer told me that apparently there's a meme made out of this two sentence where it's like and then they brought in The goat and it's a photo of LeBron How does go like salt so they're gonna it's gonna lick your legs and why is that torture

Starting point is 00:33:57 It's not known that goats like salt. I just like a thing like animals like salt licks and stuff like they just sure It was like salt licks. Okay. They just lick salty things. Animals like salt licks. Okay, I'm sorry I wasn't growing on a farm. Also, why is it torture that your legs are soaked in salt? I don't know. Sounds like torture to me. Ooh, you gotta get in the jacuzzi. What's happening here?

Starting point is 00:34:17 I thought it was gonna like spray its milk in the water and turn into cheese or something. And they're like, I hate goat cheese. Two cents more. That's how goat cheese is made. I don't know. See, sentences like that make me feel like I hate goat cheese. Two cents horror. That's how goat cheese is made. See sentences like that make me feel like I'm tripping. Yeah. Right. Not in a good way. Understand English. Yeah when you get out of a conversation with someone who's a little you know it's a little interesting and you're like what? Like what happened there? You're like yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:42 For my first wish he said, I wanna be a girl. Then his penis exploded. Oh, he went to the chamber. Is this the same guy? Probably the same guy. Yeah, he went to the chamber. Yeah, penis explosion. Shouldn't put your dick in the glory hole.

Starting point is 00:34:53 Yeah, she went to the chamber. In the penis explosion chamber. In the penis explosion chamber. And I think we should tell trans stories on these episodes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yep. We're already at 30 minutes, oh my God.

Starting point is 00:35:12 Yeah, did you accrue enough? That's the horror that's happening. No, we actually have so many. Okay, okay. We're actually good, we're actually good. Oh good. Okay, we've amped enough up top. This morning I woke up left-handed. I just want to go home

Starting point is 00:35:27 Someone replied to that one. They said what? Yeah, this morning. I woke up left-handed. I just want to go home I just want to go home when you wake up in the right-handed prison in the in the hand explosion explosion chamber Someone wrote as I sucked his cock. Oh, OK. OK. It sucked back.

Starting point is 00:35:52 How? I'm just reading what I found. OK. I know you wrote this. OK, hold on. And I'm like, you could tell which ones I wrote. So I'm like, what did you guys think of that? Yeah, what did you guys think?

Starting point is 00:36:02 The comments were actually pretty positive, which was cool. Very supportive. They think that yeah, the comments were actually pretty positive, which was cool very supportive They keep that dick at the the hospital in case you like you know take the wrong. They got to pump your stomach like open up To sentence or I love it I love it they say you only die when you're forgotten I lie in my coffin as I have for the last 1000 years, waiting for the sweet release of death. I wish I had never cured cancer.

Starting point is 00:36:33 Okay, you can't make a horror story out of curing cancer. Sorry, bud. You're alive in the coffin forever. Because he's not forgotten because he cured cancer, so everyone knows who they are. Oh. Isn't that horrific to think that cancer is cured? That is horrific, oh my god.

Starting point is 00:36:47 No. And for him to be in a coffin. I will say, I do not wanna be in a coffin alive. Oh no, being buried alive is my biggest fear. Oh yeah, no, nobody. I don't wanna do that. No, that's terrifying. You know, I feel like they did those on shows

Starting point is 00:37:00 like back in the day, like Fear Factor. I don't want that. Remember when they did on Traders recently, and they put them in the coffin? Okay, but they're not buried, they're just in a coffin. Doesn't matter. Yeah, cause then you're just in a box. Top was on.

Starting point is 00:37:13 I'm claustrophobic, so anything that's like that really upsets me, but then I'm thinking, if I'm buried in a, you're gonna run out of oxygen. Yeah, yeah. I guess the most uncomfortable part is gonna be shittin' and pissing your pants, and then being stuck in the shit And piss with your in your box. He dig it up. They're like how is this filled?

Starting point is 00:37:29 This is filled to the brim with shit I shot in the box the box shot and how did he have so much shit? Drown in my cum I Think this person was genuinely trying to be scary. Okay, let's do it My first mistake was ignoring the report of vampires in the city. My second mistake was buying that all are welcome doormat. Oh, because vampires have to be invited.

Starting point is 00:37:56 We've seen sinners. Yeah, we've seen sinners. We've seen sinners. Seen sinners. I love sinners. I love sinners. My friends never understood why despite my vast wealth. I was terrified of large women carrying baskets The origin of my phobia is that a cursed day from my childhood when my little brother was stolen away in the basket of a horrible

Starting point is 00:38:17 ogres never to be seen again That was your aunt Christie. She was visiting you bastard That's like those are the two longest sentences ever. What's so specific of an ogres? Okay, this one's ridiculous. We can cut this one, I think it's really funny. Oh boy. Okay. I went into my first day as a police officer happy as could be. Then they gave me the racism injection

Starting point is 00:38:46 oh my heaven lord oh no so that's how it is this person wrote this feeling really good they're like this is a movie it's how it goes like like this wrote this feeling really good. They're like, this is a movie. They're like, this is how it goes. They're like, check that. They're like, this is the plot. Plot to a movie, check that shit. Fuck. Oh my god. God. Jesus, that's so stupid.

Starting point is 00:39:13 Bad. This is, I read this last time. Okay. This might be my favorite two sentence horror. I love this one so much. Okay. I said this last time, and I just wanted to bring this one back.

Starting point is 00:39:24 That'd be good. Okay. I didn't know where the muffled screams were coming from until I lifted bun of my burger That's when I saw that the patty was actually meat men I love it Was actually meat men. Meat men. This is, my brain, I'm on another planet. I need to break this down as the patty made of men. It's made of meat men. So there's little men.

Starting point is 00:39:55 They're screaming meat men. They're little men that are meat. That are meat. That have made. Oh, I hate that. I actually really hate that. It's actually very scary. It's actually really scary.

Starting point is 00:40:03 Really scary, that's a horror. This is actually the best one I've ever heard. This is actually the best one I've ever heard. This is actually the best one I've ever heard. God, the thinking about Meat Men makes me want to scream and cry. Meat Men and The Creature are like the two legends of two sentence horror. I don't remember The Creature. Oh, The Creature. The Creature?

Starting point is 00:40:16 The Creature, yeah. Do you remember it off the top of your head? There's a lot of stories that have to do with The Creature. You know, it's like, oh, oh, people are enjoying their cereal. They didn't know that I got the milk from my creature. Oh. It's not a penis. It's a creature.

Starting point is 00:40:32 Nobody said it was a penis. I know, but I didn't want you to just infer that. That's what I call mine. That's what you filed, that you thought that it was a penis right away when no one even mentioned it. All right, next story. At the zoo, the child fell over the railing and into the lion's den.

Starting point is 00:40:49 The crowd screamed and the child's mother watched in silent terror as the child unhinged their jaw to swallow the lion whole. Okay. So a reverse haram. Yeah, a reverse haram-ay. You ready for this next one? No response from him, yes.

Starting point is 00:41:05 Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I heard. No, he heard. That was good. He chose to ignore it. It's funny. Yeah, no, that's good. No, he doesn't care.

Starting point is 00:41:12 We're not even halfway through these stories, so. That's a two cents horror. Yeah, am I right? Go for it. I was so surprised when my wife told me she was pregnant. We had been the only two left after the apocalypse a few years back, and we were lesbians. Oh no!

Starting point is 00:41:27 Someone wrote that and they were like, fuck. Get a donor. So the apocalypse happened. They're the only two left. Ah, they're sperm somewhere. So it's immaculate conception or she cheated on her? But the apocalypse happened. They're the only two left.

Starting point is 00:41:44 Oh wait, they already had a kid? No. Oh, so they're never gonna have a kid? No, she's pregnant. Is it scary? Who did that? Somebody's lying. Right, that's what I'm saying. There's a guy hidden somewhere.

Starting point is 00:42:00 There's a little sperm here, hidden. I'm trying to find where the horror is. I don't even know. Oh, could you imagine? I don't think the person writing it knew. No, they didn't. They were just, they wrote the word lesbians, and they were like, yes!

Starting point is 00:42:11 Ha ha ha! Got him! Got him! Wanna sit on that bench, I asked her, after a wonderful park date. No, not there. That is where I was murdered, she replied. She's a ghost!

Starting point is 00:42:23 She's a ghost! I love this Hallmark movie. That's fun. Where she follows them around in that event. She goes, bye. And he goes, oh, did you see that little girl like hanging out with us? And it was like, what little girl?

Starting point is 00:42:35 You mean this one who's been dead for 10 years? He has the picture. He has the photo in his pocket. Yeah, it's a really nice frame. I think this next one, I think this one, they were trying to be genuinely scary. I think it's pretty good nice frame. I think this next one. I think this one. They were trying to be genuinely scary Okay, it's pretty good. Okay Okay, our town's population sign says 1 million that number is strictly maintained. Oh

Starting point is 00:42:55 That's fun. That's a that's a fun beginning of a like a yeah That means they go over 1 million. They do a purge. They kill people. They do a purge every now and then. Whoa. Or they turn them into the food. Yeah, you know. You know. Or it's like that one movie, they're a book, I think it's the Seer or something,

Starting point is 00:43:13 where they have the one person see what the entity used to be or whatever. The giver. The giver. The giver. Yeah, that was pretty good. The seer. The seer, the giver, you know.

Starting point is 00:43:21 Wow. So it all started with this. Wow. Wow. Wow. You know, the authors read that 20 years ago. Yeah, you know. Wow. So it all started with this. Wow. Wow. Wow. You know, the authors read that 20 years ago. Yeah, the authors read that. They were like, OK, I have an idea. Do you think authors and horror directors get their ideas

Starting point is 00:43:33 from subreddit? It's actually very possible. You were really happy with that prompt. I mean, some creepypastas have been turned into movies and stuff. Slenderman. Slenderman and other things. Do you think that person got credit who created Slenderman?

Starting point is 00:43:47 No, I don't know, because some of them are kind of like anonymous. When you create like an internet creature thing, you kind of lose your ability to claim it. Unless you are the one who make the thing out of it. And that's happened, some people have taken their stories, like Pen Pal I think got turned into a book, and it was by the person who wrote it on the internet They turned okay. Okay. Yeah, that's you got to do it before Hollywood steals it from you. Yes snatch The two boys and their sister counted the money in their piggy banks and it was six dollars

Starting point is 00:44:17 Will the assassin on the dark web agree to kill daddy for six dollars asked the youngest? What? This is sick! You ever think about that? I thought the dad was gonna be like held hostage and like we gotta save him for six dollars. No, they wanna kill daddy. They wanna kill daddy on the dark web. Kitties kill daddy.

Starting point is 00:44:36 These six year olds are on the dark web. Should I tell them that six dollars won't even cut clothes? No, I won't do it. Maybe if there's a cheap assassin, it's another kid. Really cheap? Six dollars? Ding! Budget assassin. close maybe if there's a cheap assassin it's another kid who's really cheap dollars budget assassin oh my god that's the sickest idea ever keep it oh my god I'm gonna write that with a comedy well feral and Mark Wahlberg get him it's gonna be a hand in 2012 star power power. For my second wish, I wish all blind people can see, but if only they pay monthly subscription to me.

Starting point is 00:45:10 My first wish was to make everyone in the world go blind. Okay, black mirror. Oh my, I was just gonna say that. Black mirror. Bad. Black mirror. Bad. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:22 Did you see the first black mirror of this new season? I saw it. They're all one-offs, so I just like hopped around if the premise seemed good. Yeah. Yeah. Was this the one with Rashida Jones? I did watch that one.

Starting point is 00:45:33 That one was sad. Yeah. So sad her name was Amanda. It was a really good one, but it was so sad. I was like, I don't want to be bummed out right now. I watched that on the treadmill. So. That's not OK. People are like, why is he Well? He's running. I was just like man this sucks

Starting point is 00:45:49 15 in climb 15 in climb you're going straight You're just hanging you're doing God Okay, this next one. Okay, check this one out. Oh, don't worry. Amanda was picked up by her aunt an hour ago. Neither me nor my husband have a sister. Dude, what?

Starting point is 00:46:14 Don't even get it. Oh, so this is just Amanda got kidnapped. She got kidnapped. I don't want to hear that. Don't worry. You're not sitting on the aisle. You're not going to get kidnapped. She got kidnapped. I don't want to hear that. Don't worry. You're not sitting on the aisle. You're not going to get kidnapped. No. You're sitting in the center of the movie theater.

Starting point is 00:46:29 That's why I don't sit on the aisle. I don't want to get snatched up. You're not going to get snatched. Or someone tickle the back of my leg. That happens at movies, I hear. This is a Bugs Life 4D. You're not going to get tickled in the back. God, when the little, do you know what I'm talking about?

Starting point is 00:46:45 Bugs Life 4D? Yeah, or whatever, 5D, whatever. No, I don't remember 5D. It's like a Disney, do you know what I'm talking about? What are you talking about? The Disney, the Disney little Bugs Life movie. It wasn't a ride, it was like a student movie theater. I know Bugs Life.

Starting point is 00:46:57 Okay, yeah. In Disney World, there was like a Bugs Life thing. And then you'd get like. Yeah, they had a stinger come and poke your fucking back. Didn't experience that. That's terrible. Every time I would watch the movie like this. A boxing love comes out of your seat and punches you in the face.

Starting point is 00:47:13 I'd sit like this as a kid to avoid the stinger. It's terrifying. Anyway, there was that. They mess up your back. The original alien thing before they turned it into Stitch. At Disney World in Florida? Yeah, that's spooky. I saw footage of that.

Starting point is 00:47:28 That is messed up. And my mom's like, let's go on it. Anyway, it was horrific. Let's go on it. Back in the 90s when Disney World used to try to kill you. Yeah. Your mom has long legs. That's a bummer.

Starting point is 00:47:40 I love, I actually love the setup of this one. Okay. I love this. Okay. I fainted when the teacher told me that a man named Mr. Adam came to pick up my son. Mr. Adam is the name my son gave to a background character who disappeared from the painting in my house two hours ago.

Starting point is 00:47:57 Oh, okay. I actually, I do actually like that. I like a figure in a painting being gone suddenly. Yeah. It's really scary. And then it's like your son starts to say like, oh a painting being gone suddenly. That's really scary. Your son starts to say like, oh yeah, I saw him. It's like, what? That actually gives me the spooks.

Starting point is 00:48:10 That's fun. I'm like, ooh. The ones that are good are the setup to something that could be more actually interesting. But I like that. That's good. I like that. I really like horror movies where the kid says something.

Starting point is 00:48:21 That's like, did you see him? And it's like, see who? The guy in the painting. And you're like, oh! Yeah. I've got good news for you. That's about half of all horror movies where the kid says something that's like, did you see him? And it's like, see who? The guy in the painting. And you're like, oh! Yeah. I've got good news for you. That's about half of all horror movies. I know.

Starting point is 00:48:29 As a kid saying something. And I love it. I love it. When I was babysitting yesterday, a little part of me was like, well, I hope you don't talk to anyone that's not actually there, because I'm going to freak out a little bit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:37 My niece and nephew did. My niece before, my first niece, my goddaughter, before she would go to bed was go, will you please check the closet, the witch is in there. I'm not kidding. And me being that person was like, I really don't want to. And I would look in, there was nothing there.

Starting point is 00:48:57 And then I learned that her dad, to scare her once, was like, don't go running down there, there's a donkey and a witch. And he just said it, and that's why. And now she's scarred for life. And my mom would do this thing where she was like, don't go running down there, there's a donkey and a witch. And he just said it, and that's why. And now she's scarred for life. And my mom would like do this thing where she was like, you gotta take the donkey out of the room before you tuck her in.

Starting point is 00:49:12 I was like, I'm not doing that. I don't know who the donkey is, and I'm not doing that. But I watched my mom go, come on little donkey, and take out this fake donkey, and then she slept. How'd she lure the witch out? Okay, oh the witch stayed. The witch is always there. Yeah Daddy why did you start painting my room blue because it's a nice color, sweetie

Starting point is 00:49:31 I say while I slip the crushed peanuts into her It doesn't even establish that she has a peanut allergy. He's just doing it. What? So what's the pain about? Is the blue supposed to be the sky where she's gonna die? He's redoing the room for another purpose.

Starting point is 00:49:59 Okay, he's just repainting the room. He's repainting the room. He needs an office? He's repainting the room because it's no longerting the room. He needs an office? He's repainting the room, because it's no longer gonna be her room. Then he's giving her, that's like, slip the crush, see, that's into her lunch. It's insane, man.

Starting point is 00:50:14 Do you guys remember the Sixth Sense, the best movie ever? Yes. Do you remember Misha, whatever, Misha Barton's story? Oh, terrifying. Where she died died and then she She you know, you know how he sees dead people

Starting point is 00:50:28 Yeah, I saw it once a long time ago where she grabs his legs to try to tell him to solve her murder and it's the The husband's wife so her stepmom has been slowly poisoning her and she set up a camera. Oh Yeah, it's essentially the same story So they stole it from Sixth Sense. Yeah. Yeah, so basically they stole it from Sixth Sense. Yeah, they basically stole it from Sixth Sense. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:49 Yeah. When his girlfriend ghosted him, he decided to upload their sex videos on the internet. After taking his newly prescribed meds, he opened his laptop only to find videos of him making love to the air. Trisha Paytas did that one time. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:51:05 Which part? No one remembers that. She fucked a ghost one time. What's up? Whoa! Yeah, it was really cool. Did you see it? Yeah, no.

Starting point is 00:51:14 It was like a profile of you and she was just going like, yeah. And she was like, fucking a ghost. I don't know. This was in her like, bing bong era. Wait. this is this is in her like bing bong era She like uploaded a video and I think Twitter or something can you find it I probably could find it Okay, I can show you later Wow um Okay, so that's what that was suggesting right is that yeah

Starting point is 00:51:41 They say like they have sex with aliens people say they've had sex with aliens or ghosts and stuff I've heard none of them have hit me up. Oh You have to be chosen. Yeah, you gotta go to bed. You're cute Aliens I'm prepared. Come on. I've dushed for you The water runs clear with me Movie a river runs through it's about The water runs clear with me Please stop legends of the fall good. Well. Yeah, that's the sequel all right Very good, thanks guys in both of those

Starting point is 00:52:31 Got your nose daddy my son squealed excitedly Smiling at my son I reattached the prosthetic and wished I hadn't done so much cocaine back in college Oh, he did the scary part. He undid the scary part. What's the original? college oh he did the scary part he undid the scary part what's the original I got you know I was like oh he's gonna rip the nose off and then he was like but it actually was a prosthetic cuz I did coke in college it's like okay that prosthetic must have been like easily put on there he should get that redone just maybe it's a little magnet take it on take it off that's awful could you imagine these days I can do anything from my phone. Book a vacation, order a meal from a five-star restaurant, buy and trade stocks.

Starting point is 00:53:09 But maybe the most amazing thing I can do is make my dirty laundry disappear and then reappear perfectly washed and folded. I have Rinse to thank for that. I just schedule a pickup in the Rinse app or at Rinse.com. A Rinse valet comes to get my clothes and before I know it, they're back, crisply folded and ready to wear. They even do dry cleaning, which is returned hanging in a nice rinse garment bag. And with rinse, my satisfaction is guaranteed.

Starting point is 00:53:35 If for any reason I'm not happy, they'll re-clean my clothes for free. Best of all, rinse saves me tons of time each week. That's time I get to do something I love versus something I have to do. So if you want to save loads of time by not doing loads of laundry, remember there's an app for that. Rinse. Sign up now and get $20 off your first order at rinse.com. That's r-i-n-s-e dot com. Hi there. My name's Andy.

Starting point is 00:54:03 And my name's Anna. And we are two of the four hosts of the podcast No Such Thing As A Fish. Hi there, my name's Andy. And my name's Anna. And we are two of the four hosts of the podcast No Such Thing As A Fish. We present every week the most amazing, wonderful, insane, hilarious, bizarre facts you've ever heard. Facts like, did you know America has a national grocery bag packing competition? Did you know, Anna, the company Volkswagen sells more sausages than it does cars? Yes, we've got those two facts and about a billion more in our podcast archives for you

Starting point is 00:54:29 to listen to. We chat about them, we laugh about them, we make the occasional terrible pun. It's great fun. It's called No Such Thing As A Fish. Why don't you listen now? Yeah, you put it in the bubbling water next to your bed when you go to sleep. You're like kissing someone, you're like, oh my god. Sorry, this is in the way. Alright.

Starting point is 00:54:52 I would want mine to make a pop sound when I took it out. You want that? Yeah, yeah. I'd put a little speaker in there like a gift card thing. What? When you open it up, it goes... Okay, next. Two bad scented horrors make me feel like I'm tripping.

Starting point is 00:55:04 As I climbed to the top of Everest, I realized they had lied. If anything, it's melting up here. I should take my jacket off. Uh oh, you know what he has. Hypothermia. Yeah, he has set to seize where you walk out and you take off your clothes so you think you're hot.

Starting point is 00:55:19 Yeah. You know what I'm saying. Well, it's hypothermia. Yeah, exactly. That's what I just said. Yeah. Remember? Remember?

Starting point is 00:55:28 Remember? Remember when they found those hikers and they all were naked and all their clothes were, or is that a horror movie? I mean, Mount Everest has a bunch of dead people on it. It literally so many dead people. It does. I don't know why people want to do it.

Starting point is 00:55:41 I also heard that Mount Everest has a bunch of trash up there. It does. It's a ton of trash. you can't clean up after yourself. Yeah, so people risk their lives and go up on this huge mountain to trash the place and potentially die. And then they're like, you've got to climb Everest. I know, and I'm like, no. You're going to love it.

Starting point is 00:55:57 No. There's a movie called Everest. That's an old 90s movie. Thanks, that's awesome. It's a good one. OK. All right. You'll never see me jump out of an airplane with a parachute, and you'll never see me climb a mountain where I could an old 90s movie. Thanks, that's awesome. It's a good one. Okay. All right.

Starting point is 00:56:05 You'll never see me jump out of a airplane with a parachute and you'll never see me climb a mountain where I could potentially fall off. Too clumsy. I kind of agree with you about the airplane part. Mountain part maybe, but not Everest. Well you could do the climb the mountain and then you could skydive off of it if you fall.

Starting point is 00:56:20 Okay. Wow. That's your plan? I'm not gonna do that. Whoa, hey guys. It's long legs. Wow. Not gonna do that. Whoa. Hey guys. It's long legs. Hello. In looking for bad two sentence horror stories, I found this posted a couple different places. It is a real article from BBC News. Okay, can you read it in a British accent for us? It's a real two sentence horror story.

Starting point is 00:56:41 It's gotta be British. A little girl said monsters were in her bedroom. It was 60,000 bees. Ah! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! That's a lot of bees.

Starting point is 00:56:53 It's, wait! The fact that they knew like, oh, that's 60,000 for sure. What? 60,000 bees in her bedroom. 60,000 bees were in her bedroom. So I guess she's hearing like a brrrr brrrr brrrr brrrr brrrr brrrr brrrr brrrr.

Starting point is 00:57:02 Yeah. I feel like I'm falling in a tunnel, in a black hole And you guys are really far up like almost get out and I there's no way I can get like 60,000 Like you get it right. I'm like I get it It was 1955 when dad left to get a pack of cigarettes and a carton of milk It was 2025 when he returned with the cigarettes and the milk and he hadn't aged at all.

Starting point is 00:57:27 Oh my God, he went through a portal. Yeah, he went through a portal. See, that's fun. The milk portal. That's fun. The milk portal. I don't think I would date a guy who would just get a pack of cigarettes and milk.

Starting point is 00:57:38 I feel like that's just that. Who gets a pack of cigarettes and milk? Typical guy, that's a. That's called a dude lunch. That's a dude lunch. That's a dude lunch. dude lunch we've heard about girl dinner dude lunch dude lunch cigarette that's cigarettes and milk cigarettes and milk you probably definitely probably it probably hits you tip them like Oreo you guys didn't watch this newest season of Survivor but there were two grown-ass men who love milk and they

Starting point is 00:58:03 act they openly talked about it that they drink milk all the time People who drink milk as a snack. I Don't trust them. I trust Arasha cuz she's like, oh, yeah, I'll drink a glass of milk. I'm like, I don't do that He drinks milk. I know No, I know really what kind I told you whole That's better than skim. Oh, I Grew up on skim. I won't ask him. It's it's water. It's water. It's white water. Thank you water

Starting point is 00:58:32 Yeah, it's for sure water. Yeah, yeah, and I grew up on it, too But it's skim milk. Yeah, did it help us in any way guys? No, okay No, I I you know the posters told me I would be like Michael Jordan and it never happened The polar opposite of Michael Jordan so many ways Some sort of spectrum where I'm on the opposite Yeah, you're not getting there. That hurts. Nope. Nope.

Starting point is 00:59:07 Nope. All right. I watched everyone evacuate from the coast as the sea receded after an earthquake. Three days later, the water hasn't returned yet. Oh, so the tsunami never came. The tsunami didn't come, but the common is saying. But the common is saying. And they sunk in.

Starting point is 00:59:24 That's where all the water went. Yeah Okay, so the ocean's gone the oceans gone. It's not coming back. I get it scary, but also come on This one's really good. Okay, my wife got me a bracelet with the first initials of our kids on it Now I lay on the side of the road Paramedics dragging me as I silently pray for Donna, Nick, and Rachel. Did you get it? He's got a, his bracelet says DNR, do not resuscitate. So he's like, oh, if I die I'm not going to get resuscitated because those are my kids' names.

Starting point is 00:59:57 So she wanted him dead. I think that's a liberty you're taking right now. No! But I like it. She gave him a bracelet. She purposefully named her kids DNR so that when he eventually would get yep in an accident which she planned she planned That's some 5d boyfriend hit him Okay, and the kid hit her too

Starting point is 01:00:24 I have slain all the soldiers in your skeleton army. It's time for you to give up now. Ah, but you forgot one, said the evil wizard, as I began to feel a strange itch deep in my bones. Oh, he's a skeleton. He's a skeleton. We are, we all are. I struggle when stories are like,

Starting point is 01:00:42 wait, I've been dead this whole time. Speaking of Sixth Sense. Yeah, you just, but you love Sixth Sense. I love Sixth Sense, and trust me, I was stunned with that ending. I've already said this, when I first watched it, I think it was like a weekend or a day home, like a day home from school, and my mom's like,

Starting point is 01:01:00 isn't it crazy that he's dead the whole time? And I went, I didn't know that. And then she was like, oh, oh, I thought you saw this. You told me this and I. So I never got to experience that. That was really. That was supposed to be experienced. Really hard for me to handle.

Starting point is 01:01:12 Yep, it's okay. Shane didn't listen to anything we said. Sorry, I'm looking through. No, she said, sorry. I love our podcast, it's great. Okay. How you guys, how was that? I know when Shane is focused on something

Starting point is 01:01:23 that he's ready to read. Because I'm reading some of these and I'm like, some of these are awful. Some of these that I found, I'm like, oh these are, they're not scary, but they're just like, okay. Love it. Okay.

Starting point is 01:01:37 But here we go. This one's gross. Yes. But it's dumb. To think that such a disgusting lump of flesh nearly killed you, the surgeon mused, holding the extracted tumor above the patient's young body. Now dispose of it, replied the tumor.

Starting point is 01:01:52 That's awesome. Dispose of the body. The tumor is alive. I actually like that. That's fun. That feels fun. Ha ha ha ha ha, the brothers laughed as they leafed through their family photo album. These all look AI generated

Starting point is 01:02:07 Next you'll be saying we know next you'll be saying we look nothing alike Their mother jokes stiffly who'd given up her a career as a nurse to race The horror is reality. Ha ha ha, the brothers laughed as they leafed through their family photo album. These all look AI generated. Next you'll be saying we look nothing alike, their mother jokes stiffly,

Starting point is 01:02:36 who'd given up her career as a nurse to raise them. What's the horror? I don't know. I think the sentence grammar is the horror in that one. Yeah. What? What's the what's the horror? It's grammar is the horror and that one yeah What what's the AI generated? I don't know okay? She's a nurse means she stole three children and All those kids are not actually hers You're the perfect audience for these two sentence words because you're filling in blank you actually make it. Yeah, that weren't there No, I never thought about that.

Starting point is 01:03:05 Right. OK. I told my wife of 20 years that I had believed I was going blind when everything started to turn black. When I opened my eyes, my college roommate said, hey, dude, pass the salvia. It's been my turn for the last 10 minutes. No!

Starting point is 01:03:22 He tripped into a whole other world where he had a wife! You should've died! God. That's awful. Have you guys ever done Salvia? No. No! What the fuck? Me neither. Okay, good. Glad we established that.

Starting point is 01:03:35 Me neither. The way you're saying it, I'm not sure. No, I really have not. Okay. I knew people who did. I remember when I was a teenager, the stories you'd hear about salvia were nuts. Exactly, I did not do that. I never heard of anyone I know smoking salvia,

Starting point is 01:03:51 but people talked about it. They're just like, have you heard about salvia? And it made me go, I never wanna do that. Yeah, of course, same. And that's it. I accidentally put the crushed peanuts one again there at the bottom. Let's hear it again. That's so awkward. Daddy, why did you start painting my room blue? I accidentally put the crushed peanuts one again there at the bottom. I...

Starting point is 01:04:05 Let's hear it again. That's so awkward. Daddy, why did you start painting my room blue? Because it's a nice color, sweetie. I say while I slipped the crushed peanuts into her lunch. God, it's, you know how like when you watch a movie back after you've watched it through and it's a different, it's different the second time you read it.

Starting point is 01:04:17 It's different. And you know what I thought? She wanted crunchy peanut butter and everything's gonna be fine. Yeah. Oh, oh, that's the hor is that it was never scary at all. At all. I found some from the creature.

Starting point is 01:04:30 Okay. Selena put some creature ones in here. I'd love to hear some creature ones. We read these last time, but they're so good. It almost feels like Christmas, except I've got no eggnog. Thankfully, I can just milk some more from my creature. Okay, I would love that creature.

Starting point is 01:04:45 Me too, that would be awesome. Eggnog forever? I'm an eggnog freak. Me too, why do we only have it at Christmas? I love eggnog. I don't know, it pisses me off. I love eggnog, but I will say I drink a glass and then I'm like,

Starting point is 01:04:57 I have to lay down for the rest of the day. And that's the glory of eggnog. Yes, you don't have to do anything around Christmas. I do whiskey, what do you do with eggnog? Oh, we used to do Bailey's, and then we would do whiskey. Bailey's is crazy, because that's more cream. Family event, no, disgusting, awful, horrible, delicious. Family events was like, I think it was whiskey, rum,

Starting point is 01:05:19 and I think it was Bailey's, and then it was delicious eggnog. I love like a angry whiskey, like a rye or something, so that can really bite through. And I just drink that sap by the fire. Are you guys going to judge me when I tell you my family drinks it sober? We just drink eggnog?

Starting point is 01:05:37 No, I've done that too. I'm not going to judge you. I never actually put alcohol in eggnog. It's like melted ice cream. Oh, it's really good. I've had both. No, I've heard it. It like makes sense when you have it. Yeah, like the cinnamon, right? Yeah,. I just drink it. Oh, it's really good. I had both. No, I've heard it.

Starting point is 01:05:45 It like makes sense when you have it. Yeah, like the cinnamon, right? Like a spice. Yeah, because then you drink it and you're like, it's like, cold, nutmeg, yum. And then it goes like warm. And you're like, oh, Christmas. Okay, I have had it with it,

Starting point is 01:05:57 but it's just my family just typically doesn't. Let me just say the prepackaged ones that are like spiked eggnog, those are nasty. No, don't do that. Get eggnog. Those are nasty No, get those get eggnog and and you just an alcohol stirred in. Yeah Oh, so oat milk eggnog. I know crazy, but if you can't do lactose that is decent Yeah, it's decent good for like an eggnog latte. That's good to drink on its own Yeah milk one because then it's not like drinking straight cream. It's just so good. It's so good, I fucking love it so much.

Starting point is 01:06:29 And that's it. Wow. Wow. What do you think of mine? The creature? Boo said the ghost. Boo said the ghost, no. It's Polo said the other ghost.

Starting point is 01:06:40 Are they playing Marco Polo? They're playing Marco Polo. I told Selena, I don't think that counts as a two sentence word that counts as a joke that's I think that's a good perfect joke it's a really good that's a well-crafted dad joke boo said the ghost no it's polo said the other goes and their friends they've been friends a long time yeah those ghosts just because they're ghosts they're ghosts that's the horror but they're really. But they're ghosts. Oh! That's the horror, but they're ghosts. Ghosts don't inherently have to be scary. Yeah, some ghosts are chill.

Starting point is 01:07:07 I think ghosts are inherently silly. Well, you've never had a spooky ghost happen to you then. Okay, so, you know, someday, someday, someday I die and I become a ghost. What, I'm suddenly scary now? I stop being silly? Yeah. I think I'm gonna be more silly.

Starting point is 01:07:22 But you've seen shit when you're a ghost, so I think you're gonna be scary. What have I seen? No, it. So I think you're going to be scary. What have I seen? No, it's the way that you're trying to communicate that becomes scary. You're like, hey, guys. And then they see you going, oh, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:33 And they're like, ah! It has nothing to do with you being a silly guy. Exactly. OK. OK. I get that. I get that. Fair.

Starting point is 01:07:41 I'm trying to think of a two sentence horror right now. And I know it's not good. But I want something like- Just give it a shot. Let it spill out of your mouth. I want something like, hey- Okay, you didn't start off well. Hey, mom, why is dad upstairs in my bedroom?

Starting point is 01:07:55 And then the mom goes, your father's been dead for five years. That's better than half the ones we've read today. I just love that shit. Wait, can I say something really? I know we're about to end but I'm not kidding. I went on a like girls cabin trip to Idlewild It was so much fun. But what we didn't realize is the house was actually haunted. Oh and the dog is the mayor No, that's the two cents or no. Yes It was actually haunted but the the guy who like rented us, rented it to us was like, oh no, it's haunted.

Starting point is 01:08:29 And literally I was staying up in the attic area with my friend Sam. Most haunted part. And she goes, Amanda, can you grab my shirt? It was like a sweatshirt or whatever. And I come out of the bathroom downstairs and I went, huh? She goes, didn't you just walk upstairs? And I said, no. And Lauren, our other I went, huh? She goes, didn't you just walk upstairs? And I said, no. And Lauren, our other friend went,

Starting point is 01:08:53 I saw her walk upstairs and they both said what I was wearing and it matched and it wasn't me. And there was no one up there. You had a mimic. That's what they call them. I watched tech talk. Or they saw the picture. Yeah, that's true. Me going upstairs. I've got a two sensor. I've got a two sensor. It's pretty good, maybe. And I got to kind of figure it out as I say it. OK. Let it spill out. I thought I asked my mom for creamy peanut butter

Starting point is 01:09:13 when I was eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But that's when, wait. But I thought, but then it was crunchy. And I realized all my teeth had fallen out. Oh! You know what that means? You were dreaming, because it was a teeth falling out dream.

Starting point is 01:09:31 Okay, well I was actually just coming up with the two cents. And then you woke up, then you woke up and you said, can I have a peanut butter jelly sandwich? And your mom replied, what's peanut butter? Oh! And you live in a world where peanut butter doesn't exist. Wow, the room is blue.

Starting point is 01:09:44 Crazy. The room is blue. Do you got one? Do you have a stupid one where peanut butter doesn't exist. Wow, the room is blue. Oh, crazy. The room is blue. Do you got one? Do you have a stupid one? Okay, okay, okay. Send him off with it. All right. This is the last part of the podcast. The stakes are high.

Starting point is 01:09:55 Okay, as I began scratching the itch on my arm, my wife said, I guess you'll find out if it's really cake or not. Cause it's, I could be cake. Oh. See? See? See?

Starting point is 01:10:10 That's a good one. That's how we're gonna end it. See? What if I'm cake? And I'm grateful that we're ending it here. Oh. What if I'm cake? So you're cake?

Starting point is 01:10:19 What if I'm cake? What if he's cake? Guys, I'm so far down this get out tunnel. I don't know where I am. Come back. Help me. Well. Wow.

Starting point is 01:10:28 Those two sentin sores. I hope you guys aren't too scared. Yeah. Turn the lights back on. You're safe guys, it's okay. Everything's okay. You're good. We're here with you.

Starting point is 01:10:39 Thanks Tommy. Yeah, thanks Tommy. Did you tell him out of my mind? We needed you more than you needed us. Thanks guys. Did you tell him out of my mind? We needed you more than you needed us. Thanks guys. This was awesome. All right guys.

Starting point is 01:10:50 I love hearing stories from the beginning to the end. I didn't miss a single minute. Yep. And if you see an old lady at the movie theater and she sits next to you, don't worry about it. She will move. She will leave. Okay.

Starting point is 01:11:03 Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. These days, I can do anything from my phone. Book a vacation, order a meal from a five-star restaurant, buy and trade stocks. But maybe the most amazing thing I can do is make my dirty laundry disappear and then reappear perfectly washed and folded.

Starting point is 01:11:22 I have Rinse to thank for that. I just schedule a pick up in the rinse app or at rinse.com. A rinse valet comes to get my clothes and before I know it, their back crisply folded and ready to wear. They even do dry cleaning, which is returned hanging in a nice rinse garment bag. And with rinse, my satisfaction is guaranteed. If for any reason I'm not happy, they'll re-clean my clothes for free. Best of all, rinse saves me tons of time each week. That's time I get to do something I love versus something I have to do.

Starting point is 01:11:52 So if you want to save loads of time by not doing loads of laundry, remember, there's an app for that. Rinse. Sign up now and get $20 off your first order at Rinse.com. That's R-I-N-S-E dot com. Hi there, my name's Andy. And my name's Anna. And we are two of the four hosts of the podcast No Such Thing As A Fish. We present every week the most amazing, wonderful, insane, hilarious, bizarre facts you've ever heard. Facts like, did you know America has a national grocery bag packing competition? Did you know, Anna, the company Volkswagen sells more sausages than it does cars?

Starting point is 01:12:29 Yes, we've got those two facts and about a billion more in our podcast archives for you to listen to. We chat about them, we laugh about them, we make the occasional terrible pun. It's great fun, it's called No Such Thing As A Fish, why don't you listen now?

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Smosh Mouth - #101 - Reading More Bad 2 Sentence Horror Stories

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