Smosh Mouth - #137 - These Sketches Are Absolutely MENTAL (that's British for crazy)

Episode Date: March 30, 2026

These sketches are bonkers innit? Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to https://rocketmoney.com/SMOSHMOUTH today. Catch HITCH: The Musical... A Parody live at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles on April 5th & 6th (https://www.dynastytypewriter.com/calendar-squad-up) or livestreamed through Transmissions by Dynasty on April 6th at 7pm PT: https://www.dynasty.tv/products/hitch-the-musical-a-parody-4-6-26-7pm-ptPODCAST:https://bit.ly/SmoshMouthSpotifyhttps://smo.sh/SmoshMouthiHearthttps://bit.ly/SmoshMouthApple0:00 Intro9:24 Sponsor!10:34 Rejected sketches20:31 Chanse's musical based off Hitch!21:02 Quick sidebar about improv face22:09 Back to rejected sketchesSUBSCRIBE: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshCastWEAR OUR JOKES: https://smosh.com WHO YOU HEARShayne Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/Amanda Lehan-Canto // https://www.instagram.com/filmingamanda/Chanse McCrary // https://www.instagram.com/phatchanse/Arasha // https://www.instagram.com/arashababy/WHO YOU DON’T HEAR (usually)Director: Selina GarciaEditor: Beni KimueneProducer: Amanda Lehan-Canto, Shayne Topp, Selina GarciaProduction Designer: Cassie VanceArt Director: Erin Kuschner, Josie BellerbyAssistant Art Director: Courtney ChapmanProp Master: Abigail SchmidtStage Manager: Alex AguilarDirector of Photography: Brennan IketaniVideographer: Eric Wann, James HullPodcasts Producer: Selina GarciaAssistant Director: Jonathan HyonExecutive Vice President of Production: Amanda BarnesDirector of Production: Alexcina FigueroaProduction Manager: Jonathan Hyon, Tyler KennedyProduction Coordinator: Oliver Wehlander, Zianne HooverProduction Assistant: Caroline SmithDirector of Post Production: Luke BakerDIT/Lead AE: Matt DuranDIT/AE: Beni KimuenePost Production Coordinator: Ariana MartinezDirector of IT: Tim BakerIT & Equipment Coordinator: Lopati Ho CheeSound Editor: Gareth HirdDirector of Design: Ness CardanoSenior Motion & Branding Designer: Christie HauckSenior Graphic Designer: Jay BillsGraphic Designer: Monica RavitchDirector of Channel Operations: Lizzy JonesChannel Operations Manager: Audrey CarganillaChannel Operations Coordinator: Sabrina LiebermanDirector of Social Media: Erica NoboaSocial Media Associate Producer: Peter DitzlerSocial Media Manager: Kim WilbornSocial Media Coordinator: Margaux BernalesSocial Editor: Vida RobbinsMerchandising Manager: Mallory MyersBrand Partnership Manager: Chloe MaysBrand Partnerships Coordinating Producer: Liz KummerOperations Manager: Marshall PeaseFinancial Operations Specialist: Natalie LewisTalent Coordinator: Danielle MosesPeople & Culture Manager: Katie FinkFront Office Assistant: Sara FaltersackCEO: Alessandra CataneseExecutive Producers: Anthony Padilla, Ian HecoxEVP of Programming & Development: Kiana ParkerAssociate Producer, Special Projects: Rachel CollisExecutive Assistant: Katelyn HempsteadOTHER SMOSHES:Smosh: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshSmosh Pit: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshPitSmosh Games: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshGamesSmosh Alike: https://bit.ly/SubToSmoshAlikeFOLLOW US:TikTok: https://smo.sh/TikTokInstagram: https://instagram.com/smoshFacebook: https://facebook.com/smosh

Hey guys. Welcome to Smoshmouth. I'm Shane. And I am Amanda Lehan Cantow. Whoa, the full thing. Hey, well the full. And we have two very special guests with us today, Chan's and Arashah. Hello.

Hey, yeah, yeah. We got four people today. I feel like we swapped the way we would usually say hello. Yeah, but mine was like not off pitch. Oh. Oh, and we're starting off like that. I'm catching strays. God. He burned you so.

hard. Okay, that's fine. He's in one of those moods. Did you not like that I said, burned you so hard? Burned you so hard. Slay. You burned me. We're still in our temporary studio, hundreds of feet below the Earth's crust.

Yes, we had to go through a tunnel maze to get here. Yeah. Well, those little mine carts. Oh my God. And they made me kind of sick. How'd you guys do? Yeah, how'd you do? Wait, what is the mine cart from?

Mine carts? From the mines? No, you know that game where you were like, is that Club Penguin? Mario Party, you have some of them. Harry Potter. You do like mind carts. There's one in Club Penguin though, too, right? Maybe I never played Club Penguin.

Donkey Kong's got some mind carts in it. The Hobbit, I think, has mine carts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Hobbit. Is that true? And then Indiana Jones. Don't the dwarves, like, get in a fucking mine cart? It's Harry Potter. That's so fucked up.

Some thumbs up. There's lots of mind carts. Dwarves do other things than mine in case. Either way, you guys got in one. That's their main thing. That is, like, the main thing that dwarves. the mountain and they mine for gems. Either way we got in one. That is. That is.

What's the show that came out about the dwarves? I watched it. Trolls. What are I talking about? Oh my God. The Lord of the Rings of the Rings of Power. Rings of Power. Rings of Power. Yeah, it's got dwarves in there. I know, but they don't have any minds. They don't have mine cards in there. They don't have mine cards in that.

I don't think I've ever seen that show. That's okay. I like rings of power. A little stuff. Yeah, but the Lord of the Rings is switched. I don't. I haven't read Lord of the Rings, so I don't know. We were talking about this last week, but people who read the books and then a show or movie comes out about a book, and people are always mad. But I've heard Rings of Powers, like, very loosely based. It's pre.

It's pre-Lord of the Rings. It's the Making of the Rings. Simmerillion? Yeah, Simmerian or whatever. Salam. Anyway. This is going to be crazy. This is the same thing as Percy, right?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right. Hey, never mind. Get his name out of your mouth of Russia. Sorry. Listen, and that's why I didn't go with the full name.

Because I knew I was going to get a. Two separate beloved franchises. Sorry. They're very, very different. One is Greek myth and one is... James is wearing a Lord of the Rings shirt right now. You shall not pass the famous scene. James is literally always wearing a shirt.

You've not watched Lord of the Rings. No, he wears different iterations. Irritations. This is going to be the craziest episode you guys have ever seen. You're on blast. We're already on each other when we're reading rejected sketches. We're burning each other. I heard someone like a teenager in line the other day go,

what were you in line for? A ride. He hates you right now. I heard the teenager goes, He's chopped Jenkins. He's low-key chud. What? Did you ask him what that means?

No. Okay, we know chopped. We can bring this down. What's the chapped? I don't know what chipped is like old. Like you're out. I thought chopped was ugly. I think it's unc if you're unk.

You're old. Oh, right. Yeah. Chopped is ugly. Okay, explain the rest. Jenkins, I have no idea. I think Jenkins comes from Unk. So it's like Uncle Jenkins?

Uncle Jenkins? At least I'm going to decide that. And then he's low-key chud? What the hell is chud? Chud's just kind of like, yeah, you're a loser. Guys, put in the comments what Chud means. It's not sounding, I will say, it's not sounding low-key. People have started to misuse low-key a lot.

That sounds very the opposite of low-key. Like a comet could hit Earth and people would be like, this is low-key bat. And it's like, no, it's not low-key bat. It's pretty bad. So right. Like, Loki started off in a good place where it was like, oh, yeah, it's like, oh, we're not all picking up how this is being red. It's kind of like literally now. Yeah.

Literally. I'm literally going to leave. I'm low-key going to leave. Some phrases are, some of the ones are awesome. Do people still use cinema? What? Oh, cinema? Yeah, that's a name.

That's from Martin Scorsese. My favorite is aura. I think aura farming is fucking awesome. That's such a perfect phrase for situations. I don't think I've heard that. Like someone's like vibing, like say you're at a party and someone's in the corner just looking really cool. Like maybe they have a cigarette. You know like how I am when you see me like in social situations?

Yeah, definitely. Just like usually. Let's not confuse you actually. That's just like not a lot of people chatting with you though. Hmm? Hmm? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sucking up all that. If you're not. Because he's going to burn people. If you're not actively doing something but you're looking really cool, it's aura farming. Because you're just like, oh, you're just there just like looking. So you're gaining like points.

I thought you were like searching for the auras. No. Like. You think actively farming. No, he's farming his. I'm saying that chances like farming his oras, which makes me think, do you do that on purpose so people comment on it? No.

It's, if you're aura farming on purpose, I've been like, ugh. Then that's not a good aura. Yeah. Oh, we're only a few minutes into this episode, and some of the comments are going to rip us to shred. Oh, yeah. That's fine. My favorite millennial.

And I'm trying to, I'm trying to show respect. I'm saying, hey, some of these phrases I think are killing killers. What that means? Chud doesn't feel like a good thing. No, it's an insult. I think Chud is self-explanatory. Chud is just like, yeah, you're a Chud. You're a Chud.

You're a Chud. I think that's where it derived from. That's its origins. Not good. Cool, so Chud is Chode. Chop Jenkins, Chud. Got it. Chop, Jop.

So, like, there's no excuse. No, that's why I know all these. I don't think you're Gen Z. I don't think you're Gen Z, babe. I don't think you're Gen Z, babe. If I was born in 2001, that doesn't make me Gen Z. I think you need to pull out a textbook. Where are you born in 2000?

Today we're doing rejected sketches. We need to pull out a textbook. What year were you born, Chance? Pull out a textbook, 2001. Yeah. Pull out. Amanda, don't even question it. I will forever question it.

I'm basically Cole's age. Okay, let's... Got it. We're going to school together. Yeah. So today we're reading... We wrote a bunch of sketches. Or we pulled sketches from our past.

Okay. We're calling this rejected sketches, but as we've come to find out, some went hard. Hopefully, but they might end up being chopped. Yeah. There could be some chud sketches in here. We're not totally sure.

No. See, I feel about it. You for some reason have gotten a pass. When you started saying 6'7, everyone was like, it's okay if she says it. Because it's like when your teacher says it. Everybody else are like, do not say it. No, comments were like, Amanda, stop it now. I didn't see those comments.

People were like, no, this is funny. Okay. It was a good mix. It was a good mix. It was a good mix. I was saying it in such like a, I know this is dumb. right? Yeah. I was away. Yeah, I was away doing that thing. It's fine.

Look, I I think we're about to see it come up. I think millennial stock was down for a while. Really bad. Yeah, it's coming up. I think millennial futures are looking pretty good right now. I've seen a lot of millennial appreciation from Gen Z. Really? They were like, you guys legalize gay marriage. Thank you. You got out of a housing crisis.

Also, to be clear, you elected Obama twice. To be clear, our cringy phase is just not as well documented. Our, yeah. We had some bad shit. Sure. We don't get to pass and be like, you guys are awful. Yeah. We weren't.

No. Definitely. I think there's a good mix of everything, right? I think a lot of millennials have been like, oh, I was fucked up and now I can see that I'm not fucked up. I think it's the cringe thing. It's just like, yeah, we did wear wide brim hats and dance around fireplaces going, oh. Like a lot. And like fake glasses and.

Yeah. There was a time. Oh, those were bad. Fake glasses. I had some. Can I be honest? We can, we can make. fun of Chud and all that stuff. There was a time where I was at Disneyland.

No, no. And we were, we got off California screaming and we're looking at the like photos of like when you're on the roller coaster and a kid in front, a guy my age at the time in front of me, their photo comes up and he goes, oh nice, yolo. And I remember being like that doesn't make sense. Oh, not a happy yolo. I hated the phrase at the time, but I was like, no, you can't. You don't look at a photo of yourself on a roller coaster you just rode and go, YOLO once. That doesn't work. It's supposed to be before you go on the roller coaster.

You know what? Let him live. I'm scared to go on the roller coaster. Yolo. Sure. But he did it wrong. Was he millennial? Yeah.

This is 2000, this is many, this is many a year ago. Because he could have been some, he could have not been a millennial. This is still in Yolo's heyday. Like the Drake song had not been out that long. Right.

So. Do I still get a massage at a place called YOLO, I do. Should we breathe these rejected sketches? All right. Yolo massages you. Yes, because I only live once and I need to get a massage once in a while.

Okay, okay. And I offered, I said, Mom, I want to get you a massage when you're here. And she's like, great. I'm like, you're going to go to Yolo. And she's like, great. She's like, you kind of warn me they were going to beat the shit. And then you come, you go back and they're like, oh, they're closed for renovations, and it's now changed to Chud Jenkins, Chops,

massage. This episode of SmoshMouth is sponsored by Rocket money. I was going through my banking statements and this is really embarrassing, but I was paying for a subscription for months and I completely forgot to cancel it. Oh, yeah, that is embarrassing. What? No, you're supposed to say no, don't worry about it. That's not even that embarrassing. It's okay. You know what I'm actually going to say? You should be using Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions,

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All right. Enough of our dumbass millennial humor. So who wants to go first with their rejected sketches? Me. Yay. Yay. Me. Okay.

What's the about? Me. The, what is it, four seasons, baby? Yeah. Speaking of four seasons, this sketch is called four. Oh. It, I went back. fate through my sketch packets.

And this one was one that I wrote in college. Oh, yeah, this has been scant. Oh, this is. And it's rough. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's great. I don't think I laughed a single time when I read it. I'm dead. So this is vulnerable.

So this is vulnerable because I was trying to make it funny. Yeah, and actually incredibly bold and brave of you to also volunteer to go first with it. Yes. Yeah, because the other ones are like so funny that like you're going to be like peeing your hands and shit. But like this one like, that's so wild. Yeah, for sure. So you were. Okay.

Okay, so cast it. This one, I'm trying to make it funny. And this is like, how long had you been getting into comedy at this stage? I think I was a sophomore in college. Okay. So, I mean, I started improv in like middle school, but like. Oh, my God. Like, like, let's say five years.

Okay. Too long to be dishing out this. You're young. Okay, you're in college. We're reading it as Chance is trying to be funny. Yeah. So who's cast? Got a few characters here.

So there's Danny, Mottie, Gabby. You be Mottie. Yes. You be Gabby. You be Danny. Got it. And then I'll be random student number one. Oh.

Humble. And I'll be gay student number two. And you be, just like, fill it in. There's a lot of random students. Cool. Okay. You're going to do Sage. There's gay number four and gay student number two.

A lot of. Yeah, I don't think, I think one of my bits is that I will skip people. I'll be like, okay, so there's gay number two, skip game number three, there's a gay number four, gay number three doesn't have any speaking lines. Oh, I love it. So the casting is even a bit. So it's great, that's great. Do you want, do you want stagey's red? Do you want to read those? Okay, okay. So we can play any gay student. Um, you specifically can only play random student. Don't, don't get that. Okay. Shane can play, Shane and Arasha can play any gay students. Okay. Great. I'll play random student, which doesn't feel similar to me. Let's start. Let's go. Okay. This is four. Interior, lecture day, hall. Dozens of nervous students anxiously sit with laptops, notebooks, and writing utensils at the ready. Danny, sitting in the front, leans over to Madi and Gabby. Wasn't this class supposed to start 15 minutes ago?

Yeah, but I'm not leaving. The wait list for this class was insane. Apparently, everyone who passes this class goes on to be insanely successful. The professor is a genius. Whoa, really? But isn't this just intro to business? It is, and... The door opens up, and everyone sucks into breath as the room stills.

The professor walks into the room holding a briefcase. He sets his briefcase on the desk, and he removes his coat and hat delicately, places them on the chair. He opens the briefcase and takes out a singular piece of chalk. He walks up to the dry erase board, holds up his chalk, and writes, four. He stares at it for a moment. He nods. And without making eye contact with anyone in the room, he places the chalk back in the briefcase, dons his coat and hat, and walks out of the room. Beat.

Beat. Someone coughs. Is that it? He just walked in and wrote four. Yeah, he just walked in, wrote four, then walked out. Pete. This must be a test. How is this a test?

It's just one number. I don't know. That's for us to figure out. Maybe he'll come back. He took his stuff with him, so I don't think he's coming back. Maybe he had to go to the bathroom? With all his stuff? What could four mean?

What do you mean what it could? mean. It's the number four. It is what it is. One, two, three, four. Yeah, but maybe we need to look deeper. There are four years of college. Okay, and? Maybe four is the time he's coming back. Wouldn't he have written four o'clock? No, no. We need to look deeper, you guys. There are four cardinal directions. Maybe we need to find him. Okay, there's not enough direction to possibly even start to find him.

We could split up. And go where? What about four the Beyonce album? I'm gay. That is her best one. I'm gay. It is absolutely not. How dare you? Deeper, you guys. There are four gospels. He looked Jewish.

Damn. What if it's not a four, but an upside down H? How would that make any more sense? H is in Harvard. H's in Howie Mandel. H as in head on down to the catfish cabin where we fry him up real good. No way. I told you it was a joke from high school.

You guys, it's not. And H, stop riffing on H. Four Horsemen of the apocalypse, that's four and age. Oh my God, 4H. Maybe there is a 4H exhibition nearby. Quick Google. Hey, Siri, find 4H competitions

near me. What if it doesn't mean anything? It has to mean something. I found eight results for forehead wrinkled reductions. Oh my God. No, Siri, not forehead. 4H. 4head. Put your head on the four. That's the key. It's got to be. She runs up full force and head

Put the whiteboard hard She falls back and hits the ground He wouldn't End of sketch I cannot believe catfish cabin came No that was crazy I literally didn't even read that far How does it end there?

What does it mean? No and there's no period after he wouldn't either It's just he wouldn't and chance to stop typing Oh wait I I have my character What does it mean? I have a pitch for how this could end.

Okay, let's hear it. Because if that ends, she hits the head, bored, and then Danny's like, what the hell? And then all of a sudden, one of the students takes off

a mask and it's the professor and he's like, it only took you four minutes. And they're like, that was the answer. To put your head together. That was the answer. To put your head together.

She wanted her death. So there wasn't like a single joke, really. I mean, there was. It's just kind of a dilemma. It's just crazy. It wasn't anything. It's a mystery.

I think there's also so much humor that we could only tell by looking at the script because I love that there were all these random students. And then at some point we just have random woman with one line. She walked by the classroom and just jumped in. And you gave her the catfish cabin line. I forgot that catfish cabin was in this. I didn't read it. So good.

That's crazy. Yeah. I don't. I think as a sketch there needs to be more jokes. But I think this reads almost like a scene in a sitcom. Like a sitcom about college students where they're like, yeah, this class is so hard to get into. The teacher comes and writes four and leaves. That's really funny.

That's such a good point. This feels like the setup of like, whoa, we're at college. What's it going to be like? You're a sitcom writer. I think it's poignant about how some professors are like, oh, they're the professor. They're so smart. And they're like, they're half-assing. Yeah, they're not so hard.

No, the setup is very strong. Like, immediately I felt like I was visualizing it. I could see this professor coming down the stairs with this briefcase. I knew what he looked like. Like, we have something here. Yeah. The gay students. I like that you specified like,

gay students. Because they're arguing about Beyonce, I don't know. I was also, if you're arguing about me and Beyonce, you're gay. I think I was also straight at this time. I was going to say. You were straight at this time. So I'm like, ha, ha, they're arguing about Beyonce. Me, the one arguing about Beyonce.

Yeah. Wow. All right. I enjoyed this. What was the title of it? Four. Yeah. Oh, right.

It's right here. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Great job. Yay. That was not rough. The Siri joke? I like this.

No. No, it wasn't bad. No, it was bad. The Siri joke was cute. Did you ever read this out loud back in the day? I think I did with my sketch group ODB in college. ODB. Old dirty bastard.

But it was out to box. It was what it stood for. But dude, in college or like any like early on sketch group, you're reading rough sketches all the time. Oh yeah. Like more often than that. It was so interesting because, so there were two main sketch groups at Northwestern. One group was set up by Second City alum, so it was like really legit. Like the writer process, the audition process, it was super legit.

Wow. It was awesome. And it was like super like, if you got in this group, you couldn't be in, it counted as like the school curriculum show. So you couldn't be in an outside school curriculum show because you have rehearsals Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, 6 to 10. So much. You didn't have a social life at all. No, I still did. Oh, yeah.

You got out of that. No, then rehearsals for Acapella or improv were 10. I'm getting my schedule weeks up. Six to 10 and 10 to 12 were improv and Acapella rehearsals. And then you had 8 a.m.'s the next morning for class? I did 9 a.m. Spanish class, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And then Tuesdays I usually did an 11 o'clock class.

Oh, my goodness. Think about our schedules back in the day. We were going hard. Until all mid-night time. And then it was like full-packed day and then afterwards, rehearsals, extracurriculars, eating dinner, doing homework. Yeah.

eating dinner was like top ramen and an Oreo yeah yeah yeah yeah in college 100%. That's crazy. And the other group, this group that I wrote it for was like the black group. It was like the diverse group. And so it was less set up and less funded. And it was honestly, I thought it was way funnier than the other group. Like it was we the shit people weren't like designed to think a certain way. So the sketches they would write.

We're just so out there and different and fun and not, like, contrived, basically. I love that. You had, like, an actual POV on thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, pause. Do you guys remember this movie?

You guys are like, what is that? I'm like, it's a DVD grow up. Okay, so I wrote a musical about this movie based on this movie, and it comes out April 5th and 6 at Dynasty Typewriter. You can live stream it anywhere in the world, April 6 at Dynasty.tv. or watch live in person at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles, the city of angels,

the city of love. Ooh, hitch the musical coming to you. Before we move on, thinking of improv troops and sketch groups, I saw an ad for like a sketch show the other day, which you see all the time in L.A. And I realize like, improv face is such a real thing.

Of like, there's every single show of like, oh, here's this, this improv or this sketch showed, there is a white guy doing this. Stop. Why? Every time I'm like, they know. It's like that's the one, you will see it every time.

I know. They're in a plaid shirt, they're in a plaid shirt and they're going of this. Oh, that's not just improv. Literally, that's Boston Improv. It's all improv. Why? Improv Boston. I don't know a problem with it.

I'm just kind of fascinated of like, what is the correlation there? Don't know. Why does that happen every time? It's, it's eyebrows up, mouth, tight, just like, I don't make... That's not exclusive to improv. That guy's literally everywhere. I guess that's also just a very...

A white guy and clad. That's also just a white guy face. Yeah, yeah. But it's very specific with... Yeah, that's exactly how improv groups on the East Coast are. What's what you do? The East Coast! So my sketch is I wrote these stream of conscious.

I did not reread them. Oh, you want to go next? I'm down to go next. Yeah, he's going to go. Yeah. I could, but no, I think you've been. got your sketches in hand. Let's do you. Yeah, let's do it.

Okay, I wrote two, and they are probably bad. Great. I don't remember. Okay. I wrote them this week. Let's read this one first, and then we'll go to a rush out. No bad sketches. This is a stream of conscious? Thank you. Conscience? Oh, I shouldn't just hand to do the whole. Conscious.

All good. Take one pass it down. So there's two characters in this, Mark and Joanne. Great names. Amanda, why don't you be Joanne and Chance Chance you can be Mark? Great. Always the understudy. Do you want to read, do you want to read stage direction?

Yeah. Yeah, stage is awesome. And I'll just hang out and be a viewer. Stage is actually sick. I would love to. Okay. Yeah, that's great. If there's spelling errors, just read them as is.

Great. Do not fix them. Good note. Good note. Do not fix them. And yeah, they are, I'll give you a little bit of a, this is a rock and roll marathon. That's really hard for me because I'm like really solution oriented. So, like, I'll, yeah.

Get in character. And these are both the announcers for the end of the marathon race. Heard. And they're talking about the finalists as they're running. Got it. Very upbeat. Yeah. We're having a great time.

Love it. All right. Go ahead. Exterior marathon finish line day. We hear Mark and Joanne announcing the winners of the Phoenix Rock and Roll Marathon. It's a bright sunny day here in Phoenix as the first finishers of the rock and roll marathon are just about to round the corner. These runners have been training day after day for months leading up to this point. Oh, and I see our first one now.

We see a roadrunner zipping down the road. Oh, that actually appears to be a roadrunner. One of the native birds here in Arizona. Gorgeous creatures. Well, I guess it won't count, but I'm sure impressed by the speed. He's taking gold in my eyes. Same here, Joanna. Oh, and we have another runner coming around the corner.

Oh, never mind. It's just a coyote. Another one of the beautiful animals native to this desert climate. And it appears the coyote has a rocket strap to its back, propelling it forward at an immensely fast pace. Not quite enough to catch up to the roadrunner, unfortunately. Just out of reach. Oh, and it looks like the coyote's rocket has malfunctioned, launching him off the road and right into a large boulder.

And it looks like the impact has turned him into some sort of accordion. Isn't nature wonderful? It sure is, Joanne. And here comes our first official human runner. First place is theirs for the taking. She's moving at an incredible pace. Number 31, Lori Strode. Ladies and gentlemen, she appears to be limping, but she's not.

giving up now. You can see the adrenaline pushing her harder than ever. Oh, and our next runner isn't far behind, despite moving at a very slow, almost walking pace. I'm getting word that the runner's name is Michael Myers, and despite foregoing running for walking instead, is somehow miraculously closing in on Lori for first place. Yeah, Lori appears to be desperately screaming for help, but this is a competition, and you must finish it on your own. And Lori finishes. Congratulations on first place. Oh, but she's not done yet. It looks like Lori is continuing to run past the line and into the crowds.

And Michael Myers has finished in second place and is also continuing on, probably in hopes of congratulating Lori on the win. Oh, that's the type of sportsmanship you'd like to see. Next up around the corner, opting for a very unusual outfit for such a hot day, dressed in khaki pants and a leather jacket, it's Indiana Jones. He appears to be holding some form of idol. Well, if he continues at this pace, he'll be getting another treasure, and that being the bronze medal, of course. Oh, but right behind him, it's a giant boulder, rolling at an incredible speed. This is why they call it the rock and roll marathon, Joanne. I always thought it was because of the cover band's place throughout the race.

What? No, why would you think that? Yeah, I don't, I don't know. Are you drunk? Yeah And Same And scene

Wow And scene Wow Oh my God Love This is so Yeah Yeah I loved it

Wait it's a great premise I know It is classic To like go after her For longer And I just wanted them to Not Just be like

Wow What good sportsmanship that is Yeah Yeah He's like She's now Going down Like different roads

And they Somehow still have cameras on her even though she's now in the world of the city. She's barricaded herself into the gas station. Yes, I agree. Because the part that made me laugh was, you know, like them assuming that this is all endearing.

Like, oh, he's probably wanting to congratulate her on the wind. Yeah. I love that they're drunk because it makes me think that they're so fucked up. Yeah. They don't even see it. It's only runners and they're not seeing that. They're not even at a race. They're just watching this happen in front of them.

Oh, my God. They're so sad. They're like, turn this off. That's a funny separate. sketch of two announcers who accidentally took shrooms beforehand or acid and they're like a next upcoming is you're not gonna believe what's it's some sort of fucking turtle it's morphing it's moving that's amazing yeah yeah this could definitely go into lots of different places you got something good here yeah i was just laughing at the imagery of michael meyer's just walking and

chasing yeah there's like he is and she's like winning the race yeah and no one's how the sportsmanship is so incredible. He's hugging her a hug. With a... With his hands. Yeah, with his hands. Yeah. Her neck.

Oh, he's giving her CPR. What a close hug. And that's the bond that you see with runners. You know, it's a different thing. Oh, and he's letting her lay there because she's tired. Yeah. She wants to rest.

Make sure to give her a banana. Yeah. I love that. What was the title? Thanks. Marathon. Rock and roll marathon. Rock and roll marathon.

Rock and roll marathon. Rock and roll marathon. Oh, my God. Fucking epic. Yeah. The Phoenix Rock and Roll Marathon is cool I do want to cut to the rock and roll bands Just one of the bands just like

Keep going My problem is I would stop I'm running and creed with me I'd be like I gotta stop Thank you for sharing that Shane You're welcome My next one's even worse Oh I can't wait

And speaking of worse Let's get into this sketch Well well let's see how it goes Well well okay this is This is stupid Yeah I wrote this recently. This is called chicken. Good.

And that's just what it's going to be. I will be woman. Great. I read the first line in a baby lap. Yeah. So, and then, you know, that's great. Shane, I'll have you do drive-thru then. That'd be great. Love that. And then, Chance, I'm going to have you be supervisor.

They come in later. And then Amanda, you're going to be stage direction. So everybody's got a part here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, but drive-thru is crazy because that's the name of the That's my character. That's crazy. It is crazy.

Okay. The titular roll. Okay, we ready? Exterior, a drive-thru. Here we go. My first drive-thru ever. She pulls up to a Wendy's drive-thru. Chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you're picking?

I can't. What? I can't finish a whole combo. You don't have to get a combo. Look, kid, I can only eat two chicken fingers, max. I'm setting a boundary. That's totally fine. All right.

Can I just please take your order? That's not fair. What's not fair? Why do you get to take my order? If I'm paying, I should keep it. No matter how few chicken fingers I can eat. Okay, you keep misunderstanding me. I'm just trying to get your food.

Get you your food. You need to stop yelling at me, sir. You're the only one who's yelling, ma'am. How dare you call me, ma'am? This is a casual drive-through interaction. I'm doing great. All right, I'm getting my supervisor. Super.

What's the problem here? This guy's forcing me to get a combo. That's not true. He said get a combo where I'm going to kill your kids. James, that's incredibly inappropriate. Why would you say that? Why would you say that, James? Why, James?

I did not say that. I didn't say anything about your kids. I didn't even know you had kids. Oh, yes, I do. She pulls out photos of her children. This is Kyle and Pyle. There's six and seven. Can you see?

The drive-through camera is pretty grainy, but they sound precious just from their names. Yeah, Pile's a great name for a kid. Oh, shut up, James. Yeah, James, you gotta stop forcing women to hog down your combos. What the fuck is wrong with you? I was just reading the script that we use for customers

in the drive-thru. Chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in. I can't. I knew you were a piece of shit. I just didn't know that you were this big of a piece of shit. You're a surprising amount of piece of shit. You're not even a piece anymore, James. You're a pile.

Pile! That's it. You're fired. But mom. That's enough, James. Go upstairs to your room. I hate that we live at Wendy's. Please pull up to the second window, dear.

Woman pulls up as we hear supervisor slap James and reveal a Wendy's. But the interior is a house with a couch, TV, and stairs leading up to the bedrooms. We hear a headset being taken off as James stomps up to his room at the Wendy's. Then... We are still.

so sorry to hear about that. Here you go. Two chicken fingers. Thank you for actually being kind and listening. You have a wonderful home. Well, thank you so much for coming to Wendy's. You drive safe. Thank you. And you drive through. Woman

drives off. Wow. Wow. Wow. Incredible. I love switchups like that. Yeah. Oh, thanks. And you drive the supervisor was a woman. Was a woman. And that's the riddle. And that's the riddle. Yes. And I think your character still works.

Absolutely. Yeah, 100%. Okay. Inspiration? Yeah, what the hell happened? Okay, so as you may know, I actually used to work at a Raising Canes.

Yes. I did not know that. You've talked about this lore on Smoshmouth, I thought. I believe so, maybe? No. Didn't we go through like our jobs at some point? Maybe not? Selena's not remembering it, so maybe not.

I don't remember. You've told me this story, and it's, you've got some tales from Raising Canes. Yes, I do. And those we aren't going to talk about. Sorry? He said, but do you have some wings? Already have fingers?

He, okay. I liked that. I liked it. So working at Raising Cains is the inspiration. I, of course, made this a Wendy's, but at Raising Cains, this is truly what you say in the drive-thru when customers come through. You've technically a sheet, and you can choose from sayings.

And I chose the coolest one, which was, hey, what's kicking? want some chicken. That's the coolest one of the bunch, you guys. That's pretty cool. It's cool. You can be casual. The other one was What's up? Fucker. Yeah, no, literally. Other one's were like, no, literally it was like, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. Like, how do you want to spend your buck, buck, buck, like crazy, cring.

I would drive. I would drive out of the drive. You drive. I'd be like, no, I don't want raising cases anymore. But the second most utilized one was chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you pick in. So I... Would you say it really fast to, like, get it over with it? Yeah, so it's like, when you were working the drive-th

You know, you have the headsets and everybody, and it's like the system is like you can sort of like press the button and then you hear them and your mic is active like the pop star mic. But then if you press the button, it's not active anymore. So at a certain point, everyone would get like, you know, once you got casual with the drive through, you'd just be like laughing with your buzz. And then you'd be like, chicken, chicken, chicken, which combo you're picking? Yeah, no, that's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, okay, Diet Coke. And it was just like what the like vibes were like once you like learned.

And I had only worked there for three months. I really didn't last long. But the drive-through was the most stressful part of my job. It was awful. It's actually terrible because you're doing that. You're, you know, bantering with your coworkers. You're putting stuff in. You're also filling up the drinks.

You're also taking another customer's payment. And you have to just be chill the whole time. Yeah. Really bad and really scary. So I decided to write it out. And the people are insane. Like the people rolling through, you're going to deal with someone who's awful every day. Yeah.

I mean, you know, I will say I didn't, I don't remember that many rude people. I remember actually like laughing a lot because what would happen so often was people would roll up to the second window. They'd pay and then they'd drive off. And they'd come back. They forget their food. Like, I forgot my chicken. And then they just come back around and they'd be like, so sorry about that. I forgot my mom chicken.

That's impossible for me. Yeah. Because when I'm at a drive-through, I'm usually so hungry. Right. I'm like, giving me the chicken. I'm so hungry right now. I know. I know.

Wendy sounds good too. Wendy says, I like that they lived there. Did you guys make the sauce in-house? The Raising cane sauce? We did. Dude, the cane sauce is so good.

I want to say I signed, I didn't actually sign, but I signed some sort of, like, and DA. Don't tell. Don't tell the secret sauce. Whatever.

It was like ketchup and ranch and stuff. It's truly ketchup and mayo, probably. It's not a complicated sauce. It's just delicious. I love it. It's just getting really hungry. I'm going to really hungry.

I prefer a Zaxpies, though. Whoa. I've heard people talk about There's so many more sauces. Are you kidding me? I'm a sauce bitch. I heard people talking shit about Raising Cains online the other day

and I was like, look, I can't defend it because the chicken itself has no flavor. No seasoning. It's the sauce. It's the sauce. I've never heard of it. The Texas toast is crazy.

Let's talk about that Texas toast. And you know what they got it and they got it on the clock and chicken sandwich. Oh my God. I know. We need to get your wings and things combo. No. Wings and things.

Where is it? I am obsessed with fried chicken. It's in the South a lot. A lot around the South. Okay. Never gone to Zachis. The next time I'm rolling through the South ever, if we do shows there. I would love to see you rolling through the South.

I'll roll through the South. No, the food. Okay. Nashville trip. Oh my God, wait. No. No. No.

The food is just so fucking. Did you say no? No. No. Yeah, no. Yeah, no. Yeah, no. Yeah, no.

Yeah, no. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now I want fried chicken. Okay. I want biscuit and gravy of fried chicken. Sorry, everybody.

Like a pickle on him. Texas toast. We're going to read, we're going to read mine next. The fries at Keynes, though, mid. I will say, like, I get the argument

that canes overall what they're offering, but I love it. Yeah, I'm fine with it. And I'm sorry, I'm still going to go on Zexpe's. They're similar fries to Keynes, but they're seasoned.

They're like, they got this special fry seasoning. Crinkle cut need to be seasoned a little bit. 100%. And it can hold it, too. It's got the creases to hollow. You know what's funny?

I said, I talked shit about this a while ago about pastas. Like, how are pasta is really that different based on their shape? But I'm hypocritical for saying that because fries, fries are so fucking different based on their shape. It's how they hold the soft. Don't get me started on spuds. But it's crazy, though.

Like how different you cut a fry is a completely different game. It sure is. It sure is. Okay, so this one's got your name on it. So you are a rat. Okay. Fry for all different. Okay.

Guys, so this I wrote yesterday. It's way too long. It's so... Amanda, this is a book. I don't care. Okay. We better not read any velvet-wrapped steel in here. This is inspired by something that really happened, but of course it's a sketch, so it went to a fun place.

So you heightened it. So I'm dying to read the main characters, but I'm not going to. I'm going to read Stage and Manager. You can read whatever you want. Because I like all the characters so much. You can be the main character. If it has to be read a certain way, you know, but if you feel like one of us will pick up on it, then that's okay.

Just do it. Okay. I'm going to play... Jesus, I'm such a child. You got it. I'm going to play Lori. You're going to play Richard. Shane, I want you to play...

I want you to play manager. Arasha, can you play woman? And I'm going to read... I'm so sorry. That's not... No, it's okay. I'm going to read... It's fine.

This is me being a psycho. No, I love this. Just too into it. And I'm going to read stage as well. Heard. Stage is like also just part of it. Okay. Okay.

Reward by a manalian candle. You're proud of this one. I love it. Jesus Christ. I don't even know if I am proud of this one, but I had a really good time writing it. Okay. Interior, sprouts, which is a grocery store. Interior Sprouts Day.

Two grocery store employees, Richard and Lori, are in the middle of scanning a woman's groceries. Richard scans a plastic bag full of nuts and looks up at the woman. Did you get the barcode for these nuts? Oh, shoot. I didn't. Well, then I can't scan it. Lori stops unfolding a paper bag. Let me see the nuts, Richard. Richard hands her the bag of nuts. Oh, oh, these are the raw pine nuts. Yeah, I think the number for these nuts is, um, um, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I know this. Um, what is the plue number. Oh, wait. I know it. I know it. God. What is the number? Oh, man. Richard stands there, eyes dead, staring at Lori, because this happens all the time. With the pine nuts, people don't get the

barcode, which is totally fine because it's usually hidden. But, um, oh, man, it's on the tip of my tongue. What is it? I can go run and check real quick if you need. No, it's fine, ma'am. I'll just look it up. Lori, I'm looking it up. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's, um, oh, it's five. Wait. Oh, okay, it's 55164-7810. Got it. Richard blinks twice, slowly, then turns to register and types in the code. Lori is very proud of herself. New I had it.

Richard finishes scanning all of the woman's groceries. Did you want to use your reward points? The system is showing me based on your account that you have 10 reward points, which could equal $2 off your hall today. Oh, I think I'll just keep stacking the rewards up. Lori stops bagging immediately. Ma'am, you know those reward points expire. So if you don't use them, then it's just they'll be gone. It's crazy that customers don't know that.

Oh, yeah, I had no idea. That's not true. Sprout's reward points don't ever expire. Lori has taken aback. What? Yes, they do. No, they don't, Lori. I've had mine since October and they rolled over into the next year.

What? No, no. I had like 100 reward points last year and I didn't want to lose them so I had to use them on stakes for my dad's retirement par fee. But I would have saved them and used them for this big month because I'm having a big birthday. Lori, they don't expire. I have 545 points that I haven't touched. So when I finally use them, I'm basically going to get all my groceries for free plus my employee discount. So I'll be walking out here with a free hall. No?

Yes. That's impossible. I was told. You were misinformed, Lori. All employees know that rewards don't expire. Yes, they do expire. Don't waste the rewards, Richard. Beat of Lori staring intensely at the side of Richard's face.

He doesn't take his eyes off the woman. Okay, yeah, you know what? I'll use my reward points. Why not? I don't come here that often and having $2 off is a deal. That's the right decision. Lori finishes bagging her groceries. Richard aggressively plugs in numbers into the register. You're wasting your reward.

The woman awkwardly laughs. Richard takes her credit card and prints out her receipt. Richard, she wants to use her reward because she doesn't want to lose her points and miss out. Well, I guess that decision has been made with false information. No, it's true information. It's false. True. False.

Liar. Bitch. Beat. Okay, thanks. Woman grabs her grocery bags and politely walks out while Richard and Lori stare at each other intensely. So, bitch, your birthday's coming up. Yep. And come to think of it, I don't need my reward points to enjoy the day because you can't really bring anything with you when you are riding huge beautiful horses through a flower farm.

Oh, I know all about your birthday plans because everyone who was invited at work can't shut up about it. Oh, uh-huh. Yeah, and come to think of it, I didn't know they allowed mean bitches to ride horses. Oh, oh, and I didn't know they allowed ugly monsters to scan groceries. Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't know that they allowed annoying hookers to even be anywhere near a calming, gorgeous animal like a horse.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Well, I didn't know that they allowed the saddest, nastiest man in the room to even have the privilege of speaking to me. That's why I didn't invite you because you're so goddamn sad. Richard stiffens his whole body and head butts Lori. Oh my God. Lori pulls back in shock. With blood pouring down her face, she grabs a paper bag and slashes Richard's face. Oh my God, ow!

They don't hold back. Lori has Richard up in the air above her while Richard kicks and kicks his feet. They soon are tumbling on the checkout conveyor belt, pulling each other's hair and screaming. Eventually, and I mean eventually, the manager comes over. Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop! Stop it! Stop it! He kind of tries to pull them off each other, but it's almost like he doesn't have the will or the strength. You guys can't do this, okay? There are customers. There are people watching, okay? Stop, stop.

They finally stop and collect themselves. Lori wipes blood from her nose and Richard takes off his mangled glasses and places them in his pocket. What is this all about? Do the reward points expire? Or do they roll over and you can bank them so one grocery trip you get basically get the entire haul for free including your employees discount. The reward points expire, but we roll your points over Richard because you

never use them and we don't want you to take away that we don't want to take that perk away from you. Richard is stunned. Lori is victorious. Oh. So the structure of the reward points was specific to me? Yeah, pretty much. And Amy, because she lost her card months ago

and it's easier this way than to tell her the truth. We see Amy walking by with a handful of milks smiling. Oh, that's thoughtful. Thanks. So use them up, Richard. And guys, please don't do that again. This job is hard enough. Yes, sir. Oh, also, Lori, I can't come to your birthday.

I get motion sickness on horses, but thanks for coming over to my home and personally inviting me at my front door during dinner with my wife and kids. That was a lot of fun. Manager walks away. Richard turns to Lori. I guess you will. win. Yeah, I do win. Thanks for recognizing that. Lori goes to walk away. Hey, Richard. It's okay. I don't feel comfortable being that high up on a horse. I barely know anyways. Oh, I wasn't going to invite you to my birthday party. I just wanted to say all the boar's head meats are on sale if you wanted to use your reward points there. You could get a lot. Thanks. I do love pepper turkey. Nice. Lori walks away.

Interior Manager's office same day. We see him on his computer typing in Google, top-rated white sand beaches in the tropics with those cool huts that are on the jetty and those sandals commercials. Pina-calada type hotel affordable, clean. We then see his face and he's smiling, relieved. One day, I'll get my reward.

Blackout. What? Wow. Okay, so they fight. This is incredible. You wrote a one act. I guess I did. You wrote a pilot.

Okay. I was having weight. I wanted it to go further. Yeah. I was going to have a whole other ending. No, this is great. Okay. I love Lori.

Yes. This is awesome. Lori takes her job very seriously. If you actually wanted to just shorten it and make it a sketch, though the nuts was hilarious at the beginning and showed us exactly who she was. I would say you could get straight with the reward point. You could get straight into the, oh, and did you want to use your reward? But the nuts is awesome because it shows us that she's insane.

I thought that was going to be the whole sketch. Me too. They were just going to be waiting for her. I thought that was it. And I knew it was always going to be about the reward points, but I was having so much fun writing the nut bit. And while we were reading it, I was like, okay, the nut bits too, too. That was me just indulging way too hard in myself.

You could like stupidly come back to it and he could like call her nuts and she can be like, don't joke about my nuts, you know? It does establish her character though. That's the only reason why I wrote it. Yeah, like this begins like, this is the beginning of a pilot more than a sketch. Yeah. That's so, okay. So I did actually go grocery shopping and there was two people.

There was a man, a really tall, long man with like a lanyard and like a shorter woman who was just like really into it. And they had a little bit of a bitter argument about reward points. She was like, she's like, do you want to use your reward points? And I was like, no, I don't really have enough. And she's like, it's crazy that you don't know that these could expire. I love checking out at a grocery store where they're bantering. between each other. Yeah.

It happens a lot. What usually happens is they're talking shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they're talking shit about someone else. Like, something will happen and it'll be like,

like, can you fucking believe this shit? Yes. Can you believe what like? Yeah, like, whatever. Like, I'm doing this. I'm doing my thing. Yeah. And they're bothering me.

And I'm sitting there just like, yeah. They're kind of artist in their own. But this guy literally was he, it was like he was a ghost. He was just like, no, they don't expire. And she was like, yeah, they do. I love it.

And it was just like a back and forth. And I was like, okay, what if they just but then once I brought in the manager I was like I want to see his whole story oh no, that was a great that was an awesome button

I just love a manager who slowly walks up to people beating the shit out of each other and he's like guys stop hey cut it out you love delving into anyone's story like it's hard for you to let any small character just go yeah this was my biggest issue with writing sketches is I would go

so hard deep onto characters and they're like oh well you you brought up that thing and I wanted to go there. I struggle to like... I feel like the next time you do this, you should just keep going and go till you hit 60 pages and then just send it to an agent.

Yeah, that's funny. Don't even read it. You're like I've written, yeah. I feel like I have that similar problem sometimes with sketches where, like, for me, it's funny that you brought up writing things like kind of like a sitcom sometimes. Because I feel like I do that too, where I put so many different games, and I just end up stacking all these different stories,

these different plot lines, and all of these different things are different jokes. And it ends up just being very difficult to keep track because you're like, similarly, you're like, wait, where are the nuts? What happened to this and what happened to that? And it's really hard to keep it so cohesive. So I definitely relate to that. That's so interesting. Mine's like the, I think I have the opposite problem where like when I'm writing a sketch, everyone is in service to the sketch. It's not true enough to each character.

And then I have to go through, like, especially when I'm writing like pilots or things, I have to go through and differentiate the character's voices because they all start to sound the same because they're all serving the same. I think is that just from like someone who's, you like to write game. And then you're, Amanda, you're such a character person. Yeah, like,

I struggle to find the game. You both can do both, but it's just like where you're like brain goes. I go off on, because like an alternate ending, my first initial gut, and then I was like, I can't,

this is going to go way too long. But I wanted the manager to secretly be fucking with Lori the whole time. That's funny. Like he's writing to like the head of sprouts. Yeah. being like make sure that you keep expiring Lori's point. Yes, yes, yes. And then you find that he has like,

he's like this evil villain guy. And then I was like, I can't go further. Yep. So I actually, the game of it all, I'm more, I don't like often think of it when I'm writing sketch. I feel the same way. Which is like my work that I got to figure out.

I feel the same way. You got to like find it once you're actually in it. It's like, what's working? What is making me laugh in this? But I was laughing. I was laughing a lot when I was writing this. And I was just like, I don't know. If they don't like it, I had a good time writing it.

Hell yeah. I loved it. Yay. Awesome. Yay. Chance, do you want to go next or should I go? Okay. Okay, I'll give you two options.

These were both rejected. These are both from my S&L writers package. And they were both rejected by S&L. Yay. Wow. Okay. So these are some that you feel proud of, though. These are some that I feel proud of.

One is like a One is called Understudy And it's about like It's like one quirky girl In a stage show that's like she's out of place The other one is called Bachelor Dino Date It's like Bachelor and they're talking about Dino's.

I know which one of Rosh wants I know which one I want. I don't know You pick. It's your show. No no no No you guys are the guests You decide.

Understudy. That's what I was going to choose Oh my God, yay. Yay! I was just about to choose it too if you didn't choose it. I just feel like I said that word earlier so it feels like I heard it and that's why I was like

Yes, I'm aura farming. Okay. No. Fuck. I personally love this sketch. My old manager who actually reped someone who was on SNL. He hated this one so I was like,

okay, whatever. Well, you're gonna love it. He really didn't like it. I'm gonna give you yes or. Okay, you're definitely being understudy. Great. And her name is Rachel?

No, no, no. Her name is understood. Understudy. Yeah, no, of course. Don't mix that up. You be Rachel. Yes. You be Charles.

Great. And then I'll be everyone else. Great. If there's anyone else. And you do stage? Yes, and I'll do stage. Okay, here we go. This is understudy.

Interior Theater. A production of the musical Chicago is underway. The orchestra is playing the opening of the cell block tango. Dung. Da-da-da-da. The director frantically runs up to the tech booth and talks to Charles, the lights and sound guy. Charles. One of the actresses just had a really bad yogurt incident backstage, so we are sending in the understudy for cell block tango. Oh, Jesus. Is she okay? Also, yogurt incident.

Chobani. Say no more. Understudy is going in. Got it. Here they come. The six ladies come out one at a time. Lady one comes out. She's a sexy. She's professional. Pop. Lady two comes out. Equally gorge, equally profesh. Six. The understudy comes out and she's wearing a fake beard. She comes out like a person doing a bitwalk. Squish? The ladies continue their intros muted. Is she wearing a fake beard? Yes. Yes, she is. Mother of fuck.

She's a comedian. Do you still have the resumes? I'm the lighting guy. Of course I do. Charles hands her a resume. It's worse than I thought. She's not just a comedian. She's a girl who won class clown in high school

and based her entire adult identity on that one superlative. Well, I mean, it's just one solo. She can't fuck it up that bad. Cut to the stage. She's hamming it up. Now I'm standing in the kitchen. I'm carving up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business. So far so good?

And in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. Can I get a suggestion of a profession? She didn't just ask for a suggestion during a scripted performance. Unfortunately, she did. It says here on her resume, she took almost three full improv classes. She didn't finish the third because she self-proclaimed herself homophobic. She can't just keep going. What about the orchestra?

They're vamping until the cue line. She can go as long as she wants. We are at her mercy. Anything at all, like firemen or therapist or butthole inspector. Awkward to beat. The audience doesn't know what to do. Yell out Milkman. The actual line is Milkman.

Milkman. No, no, no. That's cheating, Charles. Come on. Any profession, okay? You can say butthole inspector. A pediatrician? Pediatrician.

Yes, thank you. You've been screwing the pediatrician. My husband said. He was crazy and he kept on screaming. You've been screwing the pediatrician. And then I told him, that's not true. My feet are just fine. I haven't even needed to go to the pediatrician in years.

What? Jesus Christ, I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is. No way. I've always had really great feet. That's why I assumed my husband was jealous of the alleged feet doctor I was sleeping with. Let me pull the lights. Please, for the love of sweet little baby, God, let me pull the lights. Contracts, Charles.

Mm, besides, she's only got one line left. Oh, broke the two dots out to sleep. Mm, besides, she's only got one line left technically, and it's the Q line. Come on, you LOL's ass, bitch. Say it. Say your goddamn line. And then he ran into my knife. The orchestra stops vamping.

Yes! He ran into my knife, ten. 10 times. And then you know what happened next? And the orchestra comes back in. No, wait, hold up. I'm not done. Orchestra stops again. You know what happened next? Boy, he ran into my knife 10 more times.

I said, bitch, you're going to talk to me like that? I don't think so, honey. Oh, no, she's running out of ideas. So now she's improvising in a black accent. In terms, she hears her gay friends. Oh, my God, I hate you. My name said, brach, bra. And bitch, I carved his ass.

It felt so good. I was like licking the damn knife, girl. And it was just like when I licked that knife in Paris, lights up on a Parisian kitchen. What was she doing? Fuck. She had a one-woman show at the fringe. I think she's trying to slip that into the show.

Oh, my God. The other actresses on stage begin to sit down and get a little more comfy. Oi, oh, monsieur. How lovely it is to be here in the city of lights. Paris. I'm in Paris. And yes, Paris here with my baguette. Understudy holds up one of the police batons that was on stage.

Rachel looks at the resume. Prop comic? Rachel holds up the resume and it says prop comic in big letters. Yep. She's doing everything. She's doing literally the most. And for what? One of the other actresses pulls out her phone and begins to text on stage.

Undersuddy perceives to mime eating the baton. And now the other actresses are giving up. Yum, yummy, yummy. Me like you. This baguette. Rachel, what's happening now? I don't know. Her resume doesn't cover this one.

Rachel's phone begins to ring. Ring, ring. Oh, my God. The big time Broadway lawyers are calling me. She answers her flip phone. Hello? Yes. I know. But the contracts. Okay.

I understand. Thank you. Goodbye. What did they say? They love her performance. They said, quote, it slaps. It's going to be added to every production of Chicago from here on out. God help us Boy Boy

boy I like to say I love how at the start of this you were like Amanda you have to be there's no world You're not You know what it is chance

is this is hilarious And I think Upon just reading it And not getting the vibrant performances That you got today I think that is maybe What was the gap

Yeah But it's very funny Super silly concept I have to 10 Bada My knife said, bra,

bitch, I carved his ass. That is so good. I love it so. She did a clowning. The one woman show lights up in Paris. Paris. Oh,

don't don't verbalize the set that you are going to. This is not a one woman show. But it was perfect setup, knew exactly what was happening. I love it. I love that. Wow. Oi, oi.

It's me in Paris. Oi-Oi-Oi. Wee wee. Oi-Oi-Oi-Oi-Oi-Oi was great parents. Oi-Oi-Oi-Oi-i. It's me-Pairts. It's like, oh, God, she didn't even get the parish right. Oh, no, Jesus.

I don't think she knows what a pediatrician is. His feet. I haven't been no pediatrician in years. That was awesome, too. I loved it. I loved that. Okay. Okay, so the other two that I have is shitter.

Uh-huh. And Lloyd. Let's read shitter. Okay. Shitter. Well, actually, I already made the decision we're going to do Lloyd. Oh.

Why did you give us? Why did you even give us the illusion of choice? I just said that I had two more. I wanted Lloyd personally. Thank you. All right, fine. We'll read Lloyd. We're doing Lloyd.

You're going to have to have me back on your show. All right. There you go. I think you need a part two. And then after this, could I read mine really fast? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So then we'll go through this quick. Mine's mostly stage direction. Okay. So let's see. Shane, I'm going to have you be Trenton. Great. And Mike. Okay.

Double book. I'm going to be Lloyd. Yes. Amanda, you're Lisa. Lisa. And I'm Heather. You're Heather. Yes, sir.

Okay. Here we go. I'm so Heather. You're so Heather. You know what? And I'm actually, Chance, I'm also going to give you stage directions. Interior, apartment, game night, in the middle of the game, Werewolf. Okay.

Warewolf, close your eyes. If you have the Queen card, you're the fortune teller. Wake up and point to someone whose role you wish to uncover. Lisa wakes up, points to Lloyd, and Trenton and Flore. forms them that Lloyd is the werewolf. Okay, fortune teller, go to sleep. Now, everyone, wake up. So, last night, someone was killed by the werewolf.

It was Mike. Oh, no. Fuck! This is so scary, you guys. Shit! I'm so sad. I'm surprised. and I'm sad.

Lloyd is freaking out. Everyone is staring at Lloyd. So you will now discuss who you all suspect is the werewolf. I mean, shit, you guys. I mean, what do we think? They all exchange awkward glances. I'm really sorry to reveal this so soon, but I am the fortune teller,

and I did find out that Lloyd is the werewolf. Oh, Classic. Pick on the new guy. Am I right? So classic, Chica. Any other leads? No bad answers. Um, that feels pretty clear. It sounds like it's you, Lloyd. That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Why would I kill Mike? He's right over there. If he was dead, he wouldn't be there. Okay, use your head. Plus, if Mike's going to die, it's going to be because of his alcohol problem. Okay.

Well, do you have anything to contribute? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I do. Okay. So, crazy news.

I'm the fortune teller. And last night, when you were sleeping, I saw Lisa killing Heather as the werewolf. Mike was the one who was killed. What? No. Fuck. This sucks. I love Mike.

I loved Mike. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mike. Okay, so you're claiming to be the fortune teller? And you're claiming that you've had zero work done? Whoa, Lloyd! Oh, oh, oh!

He's literally howling like a werewolf. And you're dead, Mike. You can't say shit, okay? That's not how werewolf works. You ever been to a game night? Or do you just invite people to yours and tell them to show up at the wrong time? What is that? It means that you texted me this morning and said,

Hey, Lloyd, I'm having a little game night at my place tonight. Just a few friends. If you want to come over, it's tonight around eight. So? So, you say around eight, and I show up at 830, and everybody's already here. So I look like the big bad wolf, because around 8 is evidently 8 p.m. And not a moment later. Beat.

Lloyd, we're not upset with you for being late. And we're sorry we started a game before you got here and made you feel like you were late. I just hate being rude. We hate that, too. Oh, Heather. It just felt like you were getting a little aggressive while we were playing. Oh, shut your fucking trap, Trenton.

Don't you have enough on your mind with your affair? Okay, Lloyd, I'm sorry. I have to ask you to leave. Please go. Fine. Fuck you, man. And by the way, Lisa, I think you're settling. So does Mike.

He told me himself. This is bullshit. Lloyd slams the door shut. There's a few seconds of silence until Lloyd busts back into the house. Fuck! Oh my God! I am so sorry, you guys. I completely forgot to hug you all goodbye.

I literally hate to be rude. Hey, take care, everybody. Okay, good night. I love you guys. Does he just leave again and not hug any of us? We're all just like... Yeah, he's just announcing that he forgot. This is so good.

I love these types of characters. I have a pitch for a button. Please. after he leaves, if Heather's like, I was the werewolf. Yes. Yes. That's good. I was the werewolf.

Somebody else. Oh. Heather. Heather. Heather. Okay. So obviously you guys know this was inspired because I'm literally always the werewolf.

But you are. You are. I thought that this could be really fun and in the lore of what we usually do. This was also one of those things where I had so many different versions of this. Because I thought it would be really funny if they started turning on each other. as Lloyd would be like releasing more information and they'd be like, you told him

and they started getting mad at each other and I liked that. And then it was like, then I just felt like I was doing a lot because it was like he's late, but then also he's just crazy but also she's bad at being a werewolf. It's just all over the place,

but I just have to respond and I want to roll out. I love it. I'm turning on each other and then at the end he's like, oh my God, I was a werewolf. What did you guys think? And they're all just really upset.

They're mad at each other's time. Yeah. Yeah. It's super Tim Robinson, Code. It's very Tim Robinson. three Tim Robinson coded. Literally my answer.

Just like latching onto something and refusing to let it go. Yeah. It's so good. And just like the arbitrary reaction of like, oh! And everybody being like, what is? I didn't hug you guys. Damn. Lloyd, no one wants your hug.

Also his name was Lloyd and everyone just, no. Lloyd. Lloyd. Wasn't there a show on Disney Channel and his name was Lloyd? Probably. He was like an alien. Lloyd was an alien. Lloyd the alien?

Lloyd, a alien. Yeah, they would be Lloyd. I don't remember that. Well, we're running. out of time. I have one more crazy sketch that I wrote and I did not reread it if I have time. Speed run. Let's speed run it. Okay. I'm so

grateful that you guys brought on sketches. Thank you for doing that. Thank you guys. Oh my God. That was awesome. It was a good exercise. And your sketches were far better than mine. Yeah. Okay, this is mostly stage direction. I will read stage direction and myself. Arasha can you be Selena and Amanda? Can you be Amanda? I see what we had to read. Yes. All right.

And then Chance can you be any other character that shows up? Yes. Interior, smosh-mouth podcast set, day. Amanda and Selena are setting up the podcast mics and shit like they always do because that's how we roll. When suddenly the doors slam open revealing Shane, handsome, carrying several boxes of donuts. Hey gang, sorry I'm late. I was buying donuts for everyone.

Everyone cheers. Shane is the absolute best. Wow, thanks, Shane. You're the absolute best. I also think you're the best, Shane. All the crew in the room nod in agreement. Through the window, we see several garbage men taking out the trash. They pause their work to also nod an agreement that Shane is the fucking best and you

better not ever doubt that shit. All right, well, I'm just going to set them on the table over there. As Shane mosey's over to the table, his foot catches on a cable running along the floor. Oh, no, Shane, look out. Shane loses his balance, tripping forward. The stacks of donuts tip forward as he tumbles toward a window. Oh, shit! Shane cannot stop the momentum.

He fully crashes through the window and does a full front flip through the broken glass flying outside. Oh, my God. Shane somehow does a perfect front flip without losing any of the donuts but lands directly on a skateboard, launching down the street with speed of a cheetah. Jesus. Oh, shit. Stacks of donuts wobbling in his hands. Shane sways back and forth on the skateboard as it zips down the street, onto a highway ramp, and directly into oncoming freeway traffic.

Shit! He weaves between cars and trucks. One of the donuts at the top of the stack falls off and perfectly hits a motorcyclist in the face. Mm, Boston Cream. His head explodes. Oh, shit! Shane turns back to see that he's about to run directly into a snowplow going 80 miles per hour. He collides with it.

but the plow on the front acts as a sick-ass ramp, launching Shane directly into the sky. Oh, shit! Shane breaks the sound barrier as he flies higher and higher above the clouds, above the atmosphere. Oh, shit! Shane passes into the stratosphere at a speed so intense, so insane. It's like, dude, you really can't even comprehend how fast this speed is.

Like, it's nuts. A satellite nearly collides with him, but he does a grind on one of the antenna and kick-flips off of it, improving the Wi-Fi for millions of people. He flies past the moon. It disappears in the distance. He passes Mars, the asteroid belt, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus, and even Pluto, which as he glides past can see is in fact a planet. It says it on the surface.

It says it's a planet. I don't make the rules. Then, resembling a comet at the speed he's traveling, Shane leaves the solar system, hurling into the nothingness of the galaxy. Oh, shit! For days, weeks, months. Perhaps even years, Shane drifts in the eternal darkness as his home shrinks in the distance until it is nothing more than a speck. yet another light begins to grow. A white shining orb of light expands

with more colors and details coming into view. Shane squints as encompasses his entire field of vision. It is indeed Alpha Centauri. The nearest system to our own. Shane blasts forward at nearly the speed of light. The spheres of the system growing nearer and nearer. What's that? Ah, yes. Proxima Centauri B.

A planet in the Goldilocks zone. Possibly habitable for life. Shane's new home. A dazzling blaze forms around Shane as he falls into the atmosphere. adding a nice crispy texture to the donuts, which he is still carrying. Let's not fucking forget that. On the surface, it is a quiet, peaceful night

on this foreign planet. Tall, rubber-like grass sways in the gentle breeze. Calls of mysterious creatures sound in the distance. Then a streak of fire darts across the sky, and a burst of light erupts from the horizon. A flock of flying creatures escape from the trees. A massive crater has formed on the surface.

The trees and brush on the outer rings gently burning. At the center, curled up naked, clutching a stack of donuts, is shamed. Ah, shit. That's what he wants. Just then, humanoid-like beings emerge from the trees and slowly approach Shane. Their large, crystalline eyes, gaze over this alien creature.

They reach out slowly with their long purple hands and touch his shoulder. Shane awakens with a gasp. Oh, shit! Then the creatures lurch back in fear. Shane, eyes wide, stares in disbelief at this strange world and strange new company. He slowly holds up the boxes in his hands. I brought donuts. One of the creatures steps forward, carefully,

opening the box and pulling one of the powdered covered pastries. Slowly, it raises it to its mouth, which opens vertically and takes a bite. Its eyes widened and delight of the taste. It speaks. Oh, sick. Boston cream. Its head explodes. I could not have predicted.

That voice was. I'm upset with that. Boston cream. That's what those aliens sound like. Boston cream. And then the head explodes. Yeah. Okay. This is so fun.

I wanted them. to like go to you in the crater and be like lights in five so if you can just sit in your podcast waiting for you podcast yeah no that's what i thought was going to happen and then it's Amanda and Selena but like aliens and they were like Shane you're here you're the best yeah yeah and it just says you're the best that's so funny wait I need to see this like animated this is like an animated like this is so you're going to get that wow yeah this is what happened um I have a question about Shane handsome carrying several boxes of donuts? Yeah.

Is it like a different version of you or? No, that's just pre- this is just like clear like that's a character breakdown. He wanted to also be naked in it. Like whoever plays the character, just make sure that they're handsome. Okay, got it. It's something he's like going. Shane, handsome, like, you know. Got it's just a little confusing.

He's celebrating himself. Sure, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that almost did happen. What part? Oh, yeah. Because I brought donuts and I almost tripped and then like, and you know, if I did trip that might have happened.

I'd love to bring on this motorcycle character onto our pot at any time. Oh, Bolson Green. Oh, Boston Green. Boston Green. What kind of motorcycle rider? Anyways. Holy shit, that was so much fun. I think we need to do rejected sketches, like, again, ASAP.

I love that! You have to, because I really want to read Shitter. We gotta read Shitter. Okay, we have to read Shitter, and we have to read the other one that Chance brought, which was... Dino Date. Dino Date and Shitter, so have us back. Dino Date and Shitter. And maybe I'll write an actor.

Yeah, I want to see more from Lori. Yes. Lori, okay, please. Lori's got a whole world. Okay, this is awesome. We have to go. Which sucks, but we have to go now. Chance and Rosh, you guys are the absolute best.

Thank you for being here. What were you about to do? I don't know. This is why I like do the... Boston Green. What? Boston Green. Nothing better than a motorcyclist on there going,

boom. Boston Green. Whoa. Boston Green. All right. Bye, guys. Bye-bye. See ya.

No. No. No.