Smosh Mouth - #143 - Our Aunts Host The Podcast

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Facebook's strongest warriors grace us with their presence. For 50% off your order, head to DailyLook.com and use code SMOSHMOUTH. Right now save up to 30% on mattresses and up to 35% on everything else when you go to https://Casper.com.  #sponsored. Visit https://drinkag1.com/SMOSHMOUTH to get an AG1 FlavorSampler and a bottle of Vitamin D3+K2 FREE in your Welcome Kit with your first AG1subscription (a $72 value!).PODCAST:https://bit.ly/SmoshMouthSpotifyhttps://smo.sh/SmoshMouthiHearthttps://bit.ly/SmoshMouthApple0:00 Intro13:54 Sponsor!15:26 Sandwich meets Key West30:08 Sponsor!32:05 Indiana, Facebook, and bending50:36 Sponsor!52:24 Coming out (as a pyromaniac) and more on the roadtrip to CaliforniaSUBSCRIBE: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshCastWEAR OUR JOKES: https://smosh.com WHO YOU HEARSandy Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/Hi I'm Sandy Topp with two peas period you may have seen me in Margarita Senioritas and if you haven't you're seeing me now period xoxo Sandy period Siri send message to Dale Dale I'm only going to say this one more time dot dot dot I really don't appreciate you going around sharing my business now if we have to take care of this in person let me know and I will do not underestimate me exclamation pointTeresa Canto // https://www.instagram.com/filmingamanda/Teresa Canto, that's Canto with a c and no h in Teresa. dont get it twisted.WHO YOU DON’T HEAR (usually)Director: Selina GarciaEditor: Patrick HorbaProducer: Amanda Lehan-Canto, Shayne Topp, Selina GarciaProduction Designer: Cassie VanceArt Director: Adrian Sheen, Erin Kuschner, Josie BellerbyAssistant Art Director: Courtney ChapmanProp Master: Abigail Schmidt, Bridgette BaronStage Manager: Alex AguilarWardrobe Designer: Julia RosnerSet Decorator: Luke BrauSet Dresser: Carly HoughAudio Mixer: Scott NeffAudio Utility: Dina RamliDirector of Photography: Brennan IketaniVideographer: Eric Wann, James HullCamera Operator: Joshua VazquezPodcasts Producer: Selina GarciaAssistant Director: Jonathan HyonExecutive Vice President of Production: Amanda BarnesDirector of Production: Alexcina FigueroaProduction Manager: Jonathan Hyon, Tyler M. KennedyProduction Coordinator: Oliver Wehlander, Zianne HooverProduction Assistant: Caroline Smith, Tyrelle AnthonyDirector of Post Production: Luke BakerDIT/Lead AE: Matt DuranDIT/AE: Beni KimuenePost Production Coordinator: Ariana MartinezDirector of IT: Tim BakerIT & Equipment Coordinator: Lopati Ho CheeSound Editor: Gareth HirdDirector of Design: Ness CardanoSenior Motion & Branding Designer: Christie HauckSenior Graphic Designer: Jay TaylorGraphic Designer: Monica RavitchDirector of Channel Operations: Lizzy JonesChannel Operations Manager: Audrey CarganillaChannel Operations Coordinator: Sabrina LiebermanDirector of Social Media: Erica NoboaSocial Media Associate Producer: Peter DitzlerSocial Media Manager: Kim WilbornSocial Media Coordinator: Margaux BernalesSocial Editor: Vida RobbinsMerchandising Manager: Mallory MyersBrand Partnership Manager: Chloe MaysBrand Partnerships Coordinating Producer: Liz KummerOperations Manager: Marshall A. PeaseOperations Coordinator: Sara FaltersackFinancial Operations Specialist: Natalie LewisTalent Coordinator: Danielle MosesPeople & Culture Manager: Katie FinkPeople & Culture Coordinator: Hannah MerrittCEO: Alessandra CataneseExecutive Producers: Anthony Padilla, Ian HecoxEVP of Programming & Development: Kiana ParkerProducer, Special Projects: Rachel CollisExecutive Coordinator: Katelyn HempsteadOTHER SMOSHES:Smosh: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshSmosh Pit: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshPitSmosh Games: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshGamesSmosh Alike: https://bit.ly/SubToSmoshAlikeFOLLOW US:TikTok: https://smo.sh/TikTokInstagram: https://instagram.com/smoshFacebook: https://facebook.com/smosh

Teresa? Teresa. Mother Teresa. Oh, it's Mother's Day. And who better than Mother Teresa? Oh, goodness. It's Mother's Day, which is always a joyful day for me. I don't have children, but...

Kind of a hard day for me. But I think I would have been a great mother. I just adopted cats in Key West. All right, here we go. Are we ready? All right. All right. So, someone comes in and talks to us?

I guess so. I mean, nobody was in the room. and now people are filtering in. They look a little scared. So many cameras around me. So many cameras. Are all of these recording? Someone take a selfie.

Do all of these record? Yes. And you upload this straight to Facebook. Oh, God. So my favorite thing is watching everything on Facebook. So if it's not on Facebook, it doesn't exist. You know what I'm saying? Except if it's on Netflix.

Does this go on Netflix? No. I'm constantly surprised that Jesus does so much on Facebook. But you don't see him anywhere else. It's because it's really God doing it. So God is actually, you know, the backbone of Facebook. Right. Right.

Right. Anyways. So I think normally, I've only seen clips of this show. Oh, yeah. I've seen their skits. My nephew, Shane, does this show. And he usually says, hi. He's a sweet boy.

He's sweet. My beautiful niece, she looks like the sunshine. She's a goddess in woman's clothing. You know what I'm saying like that? Her name is Amanda Lehan Cantow. So Lehan's actually her father's last name. Oh, really? And Cantos our last name.

I'm Teresa Canto. Hi, how are you? How are you doing? Oh, and I'm Sandy Top. Yeah, so Sandy and I actually, we met each other on the road, which is crazy. We found out we were both coming to visit for Mother's Day. Big studio. Yeah.

What's going on? I heard they moved to a new studio. I thought, you know, I didn't know. that my nephew did much of this entertainment stuff. I knew he'd done it in acting. I heard long time ago, you know. I thought she did, I thought she did, I thought she did plays. I thought she did like a children's theater type play.

Where, you know, they have you come to your birthday house and you do a birthday play. You know, when they come to your, when they come to your house, I heard that, like, I do cat on a hot tin roof for 10 year olds. Well, I heard that they do a hot, hot, hot, hot, hot tin on a cat room. And then they do... And then they do... I think she's done Phantom of the Opera. And I think that's what she's doing out here.

But then I see this place and I'm like, wait a second, what's going on with this place? And then I noticed that she's not doing a play. She's talking. I think they're doing more like date line here. Because this is like more of a date line set up. Have you seen the most recent one with Keith Morrison? With the Keith Morrison.

Oh my God. Light of my life. I saw this one and I was like, who did it? It's clearly, it's clearly the husband. a cruise ship. It's always the husband. That's my biggest fear is getting pushed off a cruise ship and being in international waters and then they can't find the killer, but it's always the husband.

I know. That's not a fear I have because I can swim so strongly. You can? Oh, Teresa, you have no idea. Growing up, I've lived in Key West for decades now. You were saying that. You were saying that. I am basically half mahi-mahi. Oh, wait, a mahi-mahi fish.

The one like in Kauai, Hawaii. They're also there. They're all over the place. I love a Mahi Mahi Mahi. Oh, it's so delicious. You ever had Mahi Mahi tacos? Oh, yes, of course I've had. So here's the deal with me is, you know, what's really weird is that I catch fish all the time. You know, I'm catching, you know, bay scallops and stuff like that, you know, but I also love to eat it too.

Mm-hmm. And I'm the same way. I love to catch snapper, grouper. Oh, you know what? If I was a fish, you know what? What would be a jellyfish? A jellyfish. Because, you know, I'm good to look at, but if you get close, I'm going to wrap my, my legs around you and sting

a shit. A woman of war. That's exactly what I say. Yeah. That's crazy. We're so similar. We have a lot in common. So what's great about, you know, Sandy and I, we met each other in Indiana and, and, you know, we did this road trip together to see

our niece and nephew. We found out we both connected on Facebook beforehand. Oh, yeah, lots of messages. Because I think we were both maybe in some group, I think, we're in a group of fan page for Spachbound. Oh, yeah, we're a fan page. Shane can get it. Shane can get it. And I think, you know what, and I thought we were talking about awards.

Yeah, of course. And more work. He can get an Emmy. And also, I was looking for a fan page for Amanda, but they just said, big feet, love that. You know, and I was like, oh, big feet, I love that too. Because, you know, big feet, bigger shoes. Right. You know, you get more bang for your buck.

Absolutely. Yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, and they're looking for that. I think that's what they're looking for in Hollywood now. It's big feet. Well, good for me. I put my puppies out. I know, and everybody can see them.

Well, you know, I like to wear socks. on the beach, which is, you know, kind of weird. People think that's kind of weird, because when I take off my socks, there's a lot of saying that comes out. That's okay. Add weight to it. Yeah. Train for a marathon.

So when you take them off, you run really fast. You know what? You know, it's crazy. You know, it's crazy. You know, it's crazy. I actually have never done a marathon. Oh, you could crush. Because I think you only have to take a few steps and you're already past a mile.

Oh, God. You're hilarious. That's a fun thing about Sandy is she's just like a nephew. Very funny. I know. I know. I should do comedy. I used to sometimes at Margaritaville, they would just leave the microphone out and I'd go up and I would just start talking and people would be laughing so hard. Oh, I bet. Yeah. And I thought, you know, I could do stand-up. But. Oh. Yeah. I heard that it's, I heard that stand-up's actually kind of a lonely, a lonely, a lonely game. Well, yeah, because you're up there by yourself on the stage. You don't have, you don't have anybody else with you as opposed to a band. You got. You got all the people in the band that are all there with you. I once saw this band.

It was so good. It was a pink Floyd cover band. Dark Side of the Moon is what they were playing. And I was, Dark Side of the Moon is one of my favorite songs because it's very mysterious. Yeah. And it was $1.00 oysters. And it was, it was $1.00 oysters. And it was dark side of the moon.

And I was like, wait a second. Would you guys ever need a female singer? And they said, not right now. We're not looking. But I thought, you know, I would love to be a singer. So I don't know if I never pursued a singing career. Did you ever pursue a stand-up career? I never pursued a stand-up.

I never really did it because they weren't looking for that at Margaritaville. They were looking for dancers. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. And I was a dancer at Margaritaville. Oh, good for you. The Margarita-Sinioritas. And the rule was we were only allowed to speak Spanish. Oh, Como Estas?

I'm even, too. And see, I don't speak Spanish, so I was silent. the whole time. Oh, you know what? I never spoke a word. Oh, my goodness. But I danced, so that's all that they needed. Oh, of course. Dancers don't need to talk. That's like, you know, it's funny. You should have a CD in the car, in the rental car that is all Spanish. I noticed that. You were playing that, and I thought over a little bit of time, I thought I was like, I'm going to start picking this up. Okay, so Ola. Ola. Ola. Correct. Okay, and I got it. So well done. And what if we did this whole podcast in Spanish? You know, they need to do that.

Oh my God, that's an excellent idea. You should pitch that to Shane. Shaney boy. I will. I will. I've been messaging him all over the place, but I think maybe it's, maybe I thought his Facebook account, he doesn't, he doesn't respond. Oh, you know what's crazy is I, yeah.

And I've been, I've been posting pictures of Amanda on my wall. And then I'm commenting on those pictures below because if you tag a picture of them and you put it on your Facebook wall and then you comment below, They, they, it's a private, that's a private message. It's completely private. I send a whole entire letters to, so when someone comments, I make sure to respond to like, Hi, Dale, good to see you, good to hear from you. I hope you and the family are doing well.

Good, yeah. And then I give them a whole explanation of what my life's been like. Oh, good, yeah. It's correspondence. Now, you know, you were talking a little bit in the car that your, your life is going pretty well. My life is going so well. Good for you. Yeah, Key West has been just an absolute dream.

I live in an old house. The salt water is starting to tear away at it. But that's kind of the gorgeous thing about it. I get it. I make puka shell necklaces that I sell. And I saw that you make them too. And I thought, you know, that's so funny. You're up in a beach miles away.

We've never connected. Oh, yeah. So I'm in sandwich Massachusetts. It's actually one of the oldest. Is that where they made? Is that where it was invented? A sandwich? Sandwich.

Yes. Wow. Yes, so they invented a ham and cheese first to start. Oh, that's so fascinating. And you know what's crazy is a settler came in and said, what if we do turkey and pepper jack cheese? And everyone started to freak it out. Oh. You believe it?

I can't believe that at all. What a mysterious whimsical path. It's been around since the 1600s. There's an old house there called the Harksy House. It's been around 6054. And there's this great place that I go to, and you can make. puka shell necklaces. The only thing is, okay, I didn't catch this one.

So my son, Ricky, did. So he goes, he goes, he goes, he caught the puka. Yeah, he got the puka. Ferocious creatures. Oh, you do not understand the monster that's living in puka shells. People only see the shelf. They do not see the monster. People do not see the, so Ricky, Ricky manhandled this puka, and, you know, we got the puka out.

And of course, we ate it. So you fry it up with a little blood sauce, a little white wine, little clam sauce, and then you eat it. But, you know, he had, he, my son's, isn't. I love my son, but he's a fucking dumbass, all right? He's a good kid, but he doesn't know left from right, right? A to B. He doesn't understand it, one to five. He's not actually dumb, but he's just, he's just.

A good heart, though. He's a good heart, but I'm like, Ricky, you know, turn off the lights in the car. The car's still running. You came in and went to bed. Ricky, shut the window. You're going to get a cold. Ricky, wire your shoes out in the rain, you dumbass.

I know. So anyways, and he leaves the outdoor shower door open all the time. You know, raccoons get in. Outdoor shower? Yeah. Oh, that's so fast. We have that. We actually do have those in Key West, obviously. Do you not own a... I don't have an outdoor shower. Oh, Sandy. In my house.

Oh, no, no, no, Sandy. All right, so an outdoor shower, it's actually very, very, very, very nice. So you put it... Okay. You build... an outdoor shower. Listen at this. I'm actually going to change your whole life. I'm so excited. Now,

is this what podcasting's all about? Of course. You talk about your most intimate details and then you give advice on how to build things. A build an outdoor shower. Yeah, so, so you get wood from whoever. Okay. I know a guy. A driftwood? Yes. Yes. Because I go out snorkeling

and they used to have these watch towers out where Ernest Hemingway used to write his books. And you can find the driftwood underneath the ocean, yeah. Ernest Hemingway wrote his books in Peatown, on the dunes. And where? Peatown.

Well, he also wrote some books in Key West because Old Man in Sea is off of Key West. I don't know his other books. Well, it's close to Cuba, which was 90 miles away. Sometimes I'd swim over there. Anyways, he wrote, you know, but he told, well, I know his ghost. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Ernest Hemingway's ghost is all over Key West. Wait a second. You cannot avoid him. Now I know he died in Idaho, but his ghost traveled all across the country. So Ernest Hemingway. Ernest Hemingway from whom the bell tolds, farewell to arms. The sun also rises. I've only read a couple books.

What books? The Bible. Okay, good. It's a big book. And every book written by Nancy Grace. Oh, Nancy Grace is one of my favorite. But also, you know what I love? What's wicked good is I love Patricia Cuanwell.

Do you know Patricia Cuanwell? she writes to Scott Patterson series. Oh, I don't think I know that. It's about a corner. It's about a corner? Who's who's investigating bodies. A corner? A corner.

Oh. A corner. Like down on the corner where I get my sandwich. No, no. Like the deli-go? No. Now, don't be razzing me. No, I'm talking about a corner.

They do forensics files. So there's a body and a corner comes in. Sorry. So the corner comes in and they, you know, dissect the body and they go okay strangulation. And they go, he's dead. Yeah. Well, of course. Yeah. They actually are the number one who does the death part. So Scott Petta, the Scarpetta series is about a Quina who dissect the bodies.

And what's crazy, Patricia Cornwell writes these books. Very good. Nicole Kidman is actually doing a show called Scott Petters. I love her so much. She's excellent. Do they ever, very good? They don't ever kiss the bodies, do they? Oh, I hope no. Well, I don't know. I mean, Patricia Cornwell doesn't touch on it. But you know what? Between you and me? Can we turn off the mics for one second? Can we not record just for a second? Between you and me? Yeah. I think that they do kiss the bodies. I think that's how they determine the time of death. They, yeah. So they put their mouth to their lips. I mean. And they can't.

Yeah, of course. Or they stuck out the last bit of oxygen that was in there. Well, you know, they suck out the spirit. Yeah, they eat the spirits. I heard that. Oh, well, that's how they keep survived. That's why when I die, I say, you know, don't take, don't let anybody know. Just take me to the beach. Just drift me off. This episode of Smoshmouth is sponsored by a Daily Look. Amanda, how's life now that you're a mom? Are you finding the balance feeling that groove?

Whoa, that's really kind of you to ask. I'm feeling actually so great, especially since I found some ease with shopping and having my own stylist. Oh, get it, girl. Watch out! Daily Look is the number one highest rated premium personal styling service for women. I can try up to 12 premium pieces per box in my own home. Then you buy what you love and you send back the rest. That sounds amazing. What about the shipping costs?

No, no, no, no, none. Daily Look offers free shipping both ways. How do they know what you like? Well, I fill out their style quiz. It includes price and lifestyle. I mean, let's be real. I want to look great and feel confident on camera, but I also need something practical for when I'm with my baby.

I love that my stylist is a real person, too. It's amazing because they send you a preview of the box before you even get it, and you get to pick and be like, ooh, you know what, I'm actually not feeling that item, and you get to switch it out before you even get the box. It's amazing. It's time to get your own personal stylist with Daily Look. Head to DailyLook.com to take your style quiz and use code Smoshmouth for 50% off.

Once again, that's DailyLook.com for 50% off, and make sure you use my promo code, Smoshmouth so they know I sent you. One last time, Dailylook.com and promo code Smoshmouth. Should we go back to the show? Should we go grab brunch? Am I right? Yeah. I'm busy.

Okay. Back to the show. You know what I want to do? I want to be buried deep in the sand and I want them to do a clam bake over me. Oh. I want to be buried deep. I want them to set up the wood and I want my whole family to feast on lobsters and clams and shrimp and scallops and base scallops and seasoning, a little potato, a little blood sausage.

and I want to be underneath it. So I want to be the fire that's burning through the food. Oh, that's just so romantic. And then they eat and they pop open, you know, bottles. I love a Kim Crawford. Yeah. I love a mum. A mum sparkling is for very good times.

A Vuv, if you're very, if you're very fancy. Oh, I love a Vove. Yeah. So I want a clam bake in my honor. That sounds so, is that and is that custom in New Jersey? You know what? It's not. Sorry, we're a sandwich.

Sandwich is in, it's in the, you know, Cape Cod. So you get over born bridge. There's Mathis Vineyard. You go to Falmouth. And then sandwiches like the oldest town there. And then you got Chadham, Provincetown, Howich. And so have you done a clam-bake burial for someone before? You know what?

One of my exes wanted to do it. And we decided no. You decided after he passed? His body wasn't in good shape. So we didn't want that. It would affect the clam. Yeah. So, yeah, we didn't want that.

You have to kind of be pristine. You have to think about. about the food first. Right. You know, it's important. The loft's the right temp. And, you know, but you know what? We sang a song in his honor. So.

That's so lovely. But he, you know, we burned him to a crisp on the top of a mountain. The mountains of Massachusetts. Yeah. So it's not actually a mountain. It's a cliff. Okay. Yeah. So it's overlooking the ocean. That's lovely. You have cliffs in our key west? We do not, we don't

have cliffs. It's only two square miles of sand there. Now other... Get out of town. There's so many keys. And I have had my fair share of stories and all the keys. Key Largo. Oh, like that song. Key Largo.

Bontigo. Are they going to kill us if we do that? Oh. I've heard. They can come and fucking try. I called Shane once and I said, you should sing songs. He picked up. He picked up.

Oh, my God. Well, what I was doing is I was changing my number around so that I would make it look like it was. Oh, did you do Stuy-Six 7? I did Star 6-7. Good for you. That's the only way to get them to pick up the phone. And so I tricked him. And so he picked up and I said,

this, Sandy. And he couldn't hang up then because then he would feel bad. He's a guilty, he's a guilty little. He seems like a little pussy. Oh, he's an absolute little pussy. Yeah, he seems like a guilt-ridden boy. Totally little pussy. Yeah, he seems like a puss.

And so I, and I started talking to him about, just giving him tips like an aunt does. Of course. And I said, you know, they need us. Oh, they absolutely. Our advice is important. What would they do without him? No, seriously. I mean, who are they going to call?

I'm shocked he's managing at all. I don't understand how that boy dresses himself. It seems like he cries every five minutes. I know. And he... It's kind of sad to me. I know. He looks...

Sometimes he looks like if the Pillsbury doughboy tried to wear jeans. Oh, my God! And I'm just like, what are you doing? I don't even know how those jeans fit his body. I don't... So, you know, I was thinking, what's wicked weird is that it's like his body are two big, tall, like, trees, like, trunks. And then how does he... he put, you know, it's like he has no curves

whatsoever, right? Except in his arms. Kind of just a pillar. He's just a pillar. Just like a one of those old Greek pillars. Yeah, he's like a Greek one. But not in the main museum, like in the back room. Right, right. Not in a good way. No, no, no. In a bad way. No, like when I went to Greece,

I was like, whoa, there's so many, so many statues here, but but there's a back room. Where they where the stuff that Michelangelo kind of gave up on. Yeah, he half finished it. Yeah. And that's kind of like what Shane is to me. He's like a half-finished thing. I agree.

But he seems like something I could, you know, get to know. I hope he's nice to my niece. He seems like he's nice to her sometimes. He seems okay. I think he's definitely shy. I don't think he's... I think he's still figuring out how to talk a little bit. I love that they gave him this show clearly has a bit of an exercise for him to learn how to convert. It seems like a test.

Because he just doesn't seem like he knows. But I told him, I was like, you should sing more songs on the podcast. And I think people would like to listen. Because people mostly when they're driving. Is he a songbird? People drive there wanting to listen to songs. He's not a songbird. Oh, goodness gracious. I don't even think he, I don't know what he listens to.

I don't know how he got this job because, you know, my sweet niece, you know, she's a songbird. She's a dancer. She's an erotic dancer sometimes is what I actually heard. She stopped doing that, of course, for the pot. And I did that myself. Margaritaville. Sandy shut your mouth. Are you joking? Margaritaville, Signoritas.

No way. Were you wearing those big-ass heels? You know, those six-inch heels? Massive heels. Talk to me about that. How hard was it? It was incredibly hard. Now, they were six-inch heels on top of the fact that they were also platform shoes. So they were massive.

Okay, okay. They were basically, we called them boardwalks. Oh, God. Nothing better than a boardwalk. A boardwalk shoe. And so it was massive. Made me look like a giant. And now our whole bit was that we'd love to.

to go up and downstairs. The seigneuritas love to go up and downstairs. That was our whole thing. Oh my God. Actually, it was less dancing, more like skittering up and downstairs. So you were just going up and down the stairs. Up and downstairs. Up and down stairs. To the beat of the music. We would also have trays of food

that we would bring to people's tables. Oh my God. That's hard. And so we were doing that. The quads will lit up. Yeah. And it was a lot. And people fell. People died. People died. People died. We lost soldiers. Most of the senior, seigneuritas. They passed during the job. Oh, my God.

It was a hard, hard work. You know what? Death comes to you so fast sometimes with you doing what you love to do. It really happens so fast. That's really sad. They had no railings. Oh, my God. So you would just.

Back in the 80s when we were doing this, they didn't have railings on the second floor on the stairway. So if you tripped and you fell, you fell. You were done. Concrete. Concrete. Yeah. Concrete. And if you didn't die, they'd make sure that they would let you.

you lay there and they would let it happen. Well, because they, you know, that's a lawsuit on their hands. If you fall and you don't die? They can't. Because if they try to resuscitate you, then they, then you get the money. That's on them. Do you think anyone has fallen on purpose to kind of get, you know, the, oh no, no,

okay, that makes you gotta. No, I was there. I tried to save some of them. How did you try to save them? Well, as I remember once, Maria, she fell off and I tried to grab her hand. Oh, goodness. And I was holding her hand. But I remember we were only allowed to speak in Spanish. And so I couldn't say anything

Oh, you were silent. And she was saying Spanish to me and I didn't know If she was saying If she was saying to save her Or let her go, I don't know the Spanish words For those things. So I just

Let her go. I had to assume That she was saying let her go. Did she ever use the words, por favor? Yes. Yeah, so, okay. So is that save me? It's please.

So I'm assuming she probably said Save me. Well, she was saying, or let me go please. What you're right. Or like, let me go, please. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. We don't know. We will never know. Oh, yeah, let me go, please. She probably wanted some independence.

She probably like, if I'm going to die, I'm going to do it by myself. Right. That's what I would want. I would never want someone to save me. No. Let me save myself. Give me a Vikings funeral, you know? I'm an independent woman. I can save myself. Absolutely.

Yeah. You know, when we went on this road trip, I was like, you know, I wasn't sure. I'm going to be completely honest. I don't know, I don't know, squat about the keys. Right. I know that it's, you know, I know that was salt to sea over here. But I thought, you know what, we're going and with one purpose in mind. And I'm glad because I can't see at night when I drive.

You know, these glasses are, you know, there's nothing in here, nothing. Right. So I was struggling. So I was glad that you could drive the rental car at night. Right. You know. And I don't have a license, but I just, I knew that I could just go for it. I knew that I, and I trusted, I trusted.

And how hard can it be, you know? Because I could drive a boat. I have my boating license my whole life. Oh, of course. It's easy to get a boat If you can drive a boat You can drive a car You drive a boat

Just don't, you know Just don't hit rocks And don't hit another boat Exactly that's all the rules It's not hot And I feel like that's no different In a car No agree

Don't hit, don't hit the side Don't hit rocks Don't hit an uncumbing truck But you know what was crazy So we sat in Indiana And then we were going to California And what was great I love that we stopped in Louisiana

That was fun Oh we stopped in Louisville Oh we had a time That was nice French Quarter Oh French Quarter We drank so many grenades Oh my God

And then we got you know And then we got dancing and we were in that cemetery for a long time. We slept there. And don't you forget, here's the thing that people don't know, we see ghosts. Oh, yeah. We see ghosts. So podcast people and Facebook and Facebook marketplace, you know, we see ghosts.

So Sanji and I. And I see everybody here is doubting that. Do you know what's crazy? And that's okay. I see a couple ghosts in here too. Oh, I see ghosts in here too. And you know what I see? I see them right over their shoulder and they're whispering something in the air.

and they're telling them what to do with their lives. And you know what they're not doing? They're not listening. And you know what that ghost is called? Intuition. That's right. And that is the most important thing. And you know what?

I don't see. What do you don't? I don't see a ghost on my shoulders. I don't see any, I don't feel any ghosts on my shoulders. I see ghosts on your shoulders. I see ghosts over there. Wait a second. He's got a very thin mustache.

Yep. Goes out very, very far. Okay. He's wearing big old pants. Oh, yeah. We're in tight little jacket. Oh, that's very weird. that you say that.

Does he have a macarena? He's got a... He's got a macarena. He's got a macarana. He's got a macarana. He's got two little macarinas. So he's got two little macarinas? Yeah.

I think he must have been in a band of some sort. Probably far in the back of the band, not that important. I know. You can tell he's not resolved that he was not the star. He's not the star. And he wants to be the star. And that's why he's here in the studio. But you cannot go.

You cannot be the star. You need to let go. Your dreams did not. happened, you are a failure, you need to leave. Wait, hold on. That's wicked weird. I just felt like a wash in my ear, a little jingle, jingle, and a thank you. Yeah. Did he go? He left. You are so powerful.

You are so powerful. You know, I thought only people from the East Coast, Massachusetts was powerful, but the Keys is a powerful That's a very powerful place. It's the most southern point of the United States. Really? Yep. At its... Most southern tip. So you know, that's like, you know, that's like P-Town. That's the most southern, that's... The most northern tip. It's not, it's not a southern tip, but it's a tip. It is the most farthest east. Yes, it's a big tip. I think they say it's the most east. Yep. The sandwich of the east, they call it. And you know what I think about the ocean is that a lot of people don't understand is the ocean is bringing in memories and they're taking out and goes. Absolutely. It's the salt. It soaks up, you know, it soaks up the memories and demons. And they're all there in Key West because the currents go down there. My favorite thing to do is to talk about death.

I like it. I love to talk about death too. We talked about death so much on our road trip. On our road trip, I talked about all the people that have passed in my life. And, you know, I try to, I call up Amanda and I say, you know, sweetie, you know, I want to talk to you about someone who's died. And she keeps going, Teresa, you've got to stop with that. She doesn't want to hear anything. Why don't these young people want to hear about all the people dying?

I don't understand it. It's important to respect the dead, and it's important to talk about very sad things as often as you can. Amanda's just a very, she seems like very, she's very cold, very hard. She actually is kind of a cold woman. So she's very standoffish, aloof. She's not as friendly as everyone thinks she is. She's actually kind of rude. She was a rough child.

You FaceTimed her at one point where we were driving, and when you hung up and I said, Are you really going to take that? Are you really going to take that from her? And I'm very grateful for you, Sandy, because normally I'd kick her in the shins, right? Like I do Ricky often. But, you know, I thought it seems like a lost cause with her. It does seem like a lost cause. Like she seems like she's already too far gone.

I know. And maybe it's Hollywood. I think it's Hollywood's gotten to her. I think Hollywood's gotten to her because she's one of the elites now. She had her hair done and I was like, what are you doing? Relax. It's me on the phone. And she wears all those colors.

Oh, my God. She's so bright, and this is the brightest thing that I own. I know. This is the black dog. You got to be careful, because I'd say salmon's about as bright as you ever want to go. So what's crazy is actually, this is coral. Oh, it's coral. I know that because I'm from Key West, and there's lots of coral.

Yeah, so this is coral, but everyone thinks is salmon, and I'm like salmon. What? That's a different place. That's a farm raised. Farm raised salmon. Not good. Have you seen wild salmon? Swimming up the Yemen?

Yeah. No. So I took a greyhound from Key West all the way to Indiana What a trip I had Oh you said it was brutal

Oh it was so brutal Got in so many fights Fist fights? Oh yeah Oh I bet you lay it down You probably knock some teeth out I lay the hammer down They called me Thor by the time I got off that Oh goodness

Oh my goodness Several windows were broken on that greyhounds I had a great time You're a Thor and I'm Iron Man. You are Iron Man. Yeah. Yeah.

Or, uh, have you ever done an Iron Man? Do you want to do an Iron Man? You know what's crazy? Is I've only ever done a tough mudder, and I've always wanted to do an Iron Man. You've done a tough mud? I've done a tough mud. Oh, oh, Sandy, you don't know. You don't know who I was 20 years ago. I did tough mudders like it was fucking Tuesday.

I didn't know. They had those back then. Well, they had stuff where you're running in mud. Were you just running in mud, maybe? Yes. That's so great. what? Yes. That's awful. It was my, it was my papa's

backyard, and he got it all wet with a sprinkling. I ran it. And you just ran through it. Well, if that's not a, if that's not tough and also a mother, then I don't know what is. And, you know, I didn't win an award, but I felt really tough. We used to do mud wrestling over at Margaritaville, and I was the champion over there.

In the heels? In the heels. My God, someone could lose an arm. Kicking was allowed. You're a badass. Thank you. Did anyone die during that one? Yes. Okay. This episode of Smoshmouth is sponsored by Casper.

Shane, you sleep, right? Do I sleep? No, but like, do you sleep? Well, I guess it's not super great lately. I've been a little uncomfortable. I haven't gotten enough sleep. How did you know that? I could tell.

You need a Casper mattress. They make reliable, high-quality mattresses designed to deliver consistent comfortable sleep night after night. Casper's mattresses are highly rated by Consumer Reports, and out of 99 mattresses, consumer reports named Casper's The One Mattress, their top-rated all-foam mattress of 2026.

Okay, but I need it to be durable and long-lasting. I don't want to replace my mattress every few years. Whoa, Casper checks all those boxes. They are designed to withstand the test of time. And Casper has their 100-night risk-free trial so you can give Casper's mattress a try risk-free. Although, with 110,000-plus five-star reviews, I'm sure you're going to love it. like I do. And you'll look great once you get some rest.

Do I not? Was that, is that in the script? I slept on my Casper mattress last night and let me tell you, I feel amazing. Like, I feel like I came out of a fog. My body feels really good. I honestly probably could have slept all day. And I can tell I look really good, which you meant to say. Yeah. Right now, save up to 30% on mattresses and up to 35% on everything else when you go to casper.com. One last time, that's C-A-S-P-E-R.com and save up to 30% on the mattress you deserve. Is it in the teleprompter that? I don't look good?

Yes, yes, they wrote it. I didn't write it. It's crazy. Because I think you look great. I don't know who's saying that. That's crazy. For sure, for sure. It just felt implied. All right, back to the show. Back to the show. Doesn't Angela write some of them? I think Angela writes all of them. Oh. Oh.

We met up in Indiana And we met up at a bus stop And this bus stop Rie to poop I was like, why do we do in here? I got off of it and I said, let's run God, I miss the ocean like this is a nightmare And we ran down the street to an enterprise Oh yeah, with our bags

Because you didn't have a car But how did you get to Indiana? Such a long story So my good friend, he's a lobster fisherman He owns a motorcycle and I said I never am going to get on a motorcycle Never once in my life. Never once in my life.

And I'm crazy as shit, but I will never get on a motorcycle. You seem crazy as shit. I like you. I'm out of my goddamn mind, but I will not get on a motorcycle. I'm not that crazy. Well, Sanji, you know, same, you know, ditto, because I'm out of my goddamn mind. Because, you know what I said? Fine, do it.

Put me in the back. Put me a helmet at least. So I rode on this motorcycle, pray into, you know, St. Anthony, just like, save me. Of course. Find me, you know. Anyways. So we take the motorcycle after 10, minutes, I say, I'm done with this. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. You know, the Bible says you can't

get on a motorcycle. There's an extra chapter. Corinthians 13-5. Yes, very good chapter. It took me a month to read that one. So I get off and this guy's just sitting there in a Ford pickup and I say, hi. And he goes, you need a ride? And I go, yes, sir, I do. I gave him five bucks. We talked to the whole way all the way up to Indiana. That was five hours. Sounds like an angel. Six hours. You know what I think he was? I think he was my gaddy an angel. Probably. Because you know what? He said, is your name to? And I said, Teresa. And he said, I thought so. It seemed like there was a tea. Yeah. I don't know what he was. I think he was going to say Tina, but I took it. I think everything happens for a reason. So do I think that. And you know what I felt? You know, the craziest thing that I felt, Sandy? I felt this overwhelming feeling of deja vu. And I was like,

I've been here before. Yeah. This is my life path. This is what I need to do in life. I like to think that in every, maybe in every life at some point, you were on your way somewhere, and that guardian angel showed up in some sort of wagon or horse or boat or maybe a camel. Not motorcycle. Not motorcycle.

Not a motorcycle. Your guardian angel would never show up in a motorcycle. That's why I got off because, Sandy, I felt, I felt pain, you know, in my left foot with shoulder. Perhaps that was a demon. So when you feel pain in your shoulders, it is demon. It's a demon. So I was like... That's the demons on your shoulders.

They're digging in. They got those little pitchforks in there. And they go stabbing in there. They go, Teresa, Teresa. Yeah. So the guardian angel called me in, and his name was Floyd. Floyd. Like the barbershop.

Yeah. Oh, there's one in California, L.A. Mm-hmm. You know what I was thinking? Crazy, crazy subject change. I kind of want to do a shave cut. Oh. And two lines.

Right here. I got here and I went, everybody's rocking that. And I want that. But you got to be careful. Why? Because, well, they're rocking that around here in California, but it's sometimes. I don't know what kind of. Oh, do you think they're part of a cult? Like a Viking. Well, okay, here's the crazy part. Is I, if there's a cult that has anything to do with the Vikings, I would like to join it. You would like to join a cult. That has anything to do with the Vikings. I'll have to look for that.

So I bet on Facebook we can find... We should find Colts on Facebook. Yeah. I bet we could find a Viking Colt. Because everyone says they're trying to get out, and I'm like, I'm trying to get in. I've never been part of... I mean, my nephew and other family members have said that I've been part of cults, but I don't think I've ever been part of Colts. You don't think the Margarita place was a cult.

No, that wasn't a cult. That wasn't a cult. And I mean, there was one time where I was selling pans while I was selling pans to... I had a bunch of pans and I was giving my friends pans. And if they sold, if they gave their friends pans. And so I would make, we would all make money. But that wasn't a cult. That was if we all, we have all so many pans.

And it was the pan handle of pans is what they called it. And, and, oh, yeah. And so I was thinking, no, this isn't a cult. This is, this is a great opportunity for all of us to make so much money. Are you kidding me? Perfect opportunity. If I can give people pans, it. They can make money off of it, then I'll do that.

And you know, what's great is everybody needs a pan. Everybody needs a pan. You know, what's crazy is I actually, you know, my good friend, Charlotte, she started a jewelry party. So she started the party and you go to the party and you pick out jewelry and you go, I want that one. And she goes sell it to five of your friends and then you'll get the money. And that sounds amazing. It's actually perfect. And everyone kept saying, you know, you're in a pyramid scheme.

And I said, I don't even know what that is. A pyramid. I've never been to Egypt. I would love to. I would love to see that. I would love to go to Egypt and understand what these pyramids can't are about. As far as I know, pyramids, they have like powers of some sort. Well, the dead is buried there.

Yeah. So speaking of the dead, if you do something naughty, you're buried underneath. You're buried underneath. You're in a sarcophagus in the pyramid and you're buried deep underneath. Have you seen the mummy? I've seen the mummy. It's everything that you need to know about Egypt. It's all real.

The history is right there. So there actually was that guy. He was actually buried in that place. a Knox in the Moon was his lady. And so then, you know, there actually wasn't Brendan Frazier. It was a real man. Oh, yeah. He played a real man, which I thought he did very good research job on him.

He's a very funny guy, Brendan Frazier. He's a funny guy. So funny. He feels like, you know, a Fred Astaire to me. Oh. Oh, yes. I should tell Shane to watch that movie so he can learn how to be funny like that. Yeah, so I wanted, I'm glad that you brought that up because, you know, I'm watching the podcast.

through clips that I find on Facebook and I'm like oh this is fun they're talking about fun stuff solving problems and Amanda's making me laugh laugh laugh Yeah and then Shane talks and it's kind of like It's like a doubt it's like a little bit of a bummer No I want to go like you know in Gladiator

When they go That's what I want to do I know I want to go I just want to shake him and go You know take a class Right Find read about comedy It's clear that he's devoid of passion

Yeah, so you can tell through his whole body Yeah, oh, the way you hold himself I'm not inflamed with creativity He's like he's like if you let a child play with Plato for a little bit And they make something and they're like, here's what I made But it's kind of hardened And they're like, look, it's a pond And you're like, oh, you just flatten the Play-Doh

Yeah, that's him a little bit Whereas Amanda's like look at the frogs and you know There's a tree coming out and guess what There's a fairy on top Right She's a bitch but I like what she does Right, I agree Yeah

So we met up in Indiana and The car we got was so silly It was a Mustang. It was a Mustang convertible Convertible which you know It took us 20 minutes to open the top I was like I know Sandy Top open the top I know and I'm here I am trying to jam back the thing

You almost broke it you have the strongest arms I've ever seen in my life Well yeah Boating And you know saving well not saving people Not saving people from dancing and then sailing around Key West, you know, if you're opening up masts all day, if you're, you know, if you're, of course, if you open up a mask, the wind can catch you. From working ropes all day. My biceps, they are, they are big. You know what's crazy? You took off your sweatshirt and you have a little tank top on and I was stunned.

I know, it scares people. It was frightening. so that people aren't frightened by me because really my demeanor is so polite. Your demeanor is so polite. But I like the strength that you have underneath you because as someone who also works, you know, I shucks the base scallops all day long. So I'm raking base gallops. And your wrists are thick.

My wrists are very thick. So I can't actually wear watches. No. None of them thick. They unclasped in our fire. I never know what time it is. And the only. And that's your cruxed.

curse. The only thing, I know what time it is based on the sun going down. Because I'm out there with my dumbass son, Ricky, and we're scraping the, you know, the bay for scallops, and I go, what time is it? Ricky, and he goes, duh, and I go, look at the sun. And then I go, oh, it's the sunset. And I, you know, I love him.

He's my first and only. But dumb as, dumb as rocks. That's really hard. You open the Mustangs. We're in Indiana. So we're in Indiana. So we're in Indiana. Yeah. So I finally get it open. Several bats fly out. Oh, this thing was covered in bats. Covered in bats. I mean,

my God. And they've been telling us to get ravey shots since that happened, but I don't think I need it. I don't want pain in my rat other than the devil. Right. So. But we get into this Mustang and we start driving. And you know, we decided how we do

things. We weren't going to look up and print out directions from Google. Nope. We were going to follow the signs. If we drive west, we're going to get to California. All roads lead to Hollywood. All roads lead to Hollywood. So, you know, so we get in the car and I put on, you know, my book on tape, which is one of my favorites of Patricia Quawell. And, you know, we do 10 minutes of it, but we're basically talking the whole time.

So I have to go back. Yeah, I don't recall much from it. No, because we were talking. It kind of felt like she was just in the back seat talking. Yeah, so I put her on low because it helps me concentrate to have someone talking constantly. But, you know, she was getting into. And you only know how to talk over people. So I think it actually helps you.

Well, yeah. Well, you know, I actually think I'm just, you know, yeah. So I connect. I process things by, I'm actually a very good listener. I know, I know. You know, but a lot of people tell me that I don't know silence and I don't understand why I would ever need to know silence. Well, in the silence is when the ghosts come out.

That's when they're the heaviest. And we are both scared of that. That's when the loudest. Remember in Sixth Sense when he finally turned it up and all he heard was that guy talking in Italian or Latin? That's what I'm afraid of. And the aliens show up and they hit him with a baseball bat. So that's signs. What did I say?

I said Sixth Sense. So two different movies. Oh, I thought those were connected. No. So same. And that's Chamelon. I thought that was kind of like a Titanic situation where you put in one VHS and then you put in the second VHS and you're watching one movie. so I thought those were one movie.

You know what's wicked weird? It's that they could be one movie. I think they could be one movie. Because actually, yeah, because it's the same. Did you ever see the village where it's this kid, this bald kid who can move air with his hands? That one was crazy. That air bender guy was incredible.

I was like, whoa, the airbender is in the village, and Ron Howard's daughter is there too. And you know what? She looks just like Ron Howard. And they spoiled the ending. That it was all the fire demon people. It was a fire demon, but... And then they spoiled it so they had to say, oh, no,

is the parents doing it the whole time? I know, but it was definitely that kid. It ruined it. You know, the airbender kid. I know. I can do that with water. With water. Wait a second.

I can do it. I was one time, so I was in Key Vista. Is that part of the Keys? It's part of the Keys. Key Vista. One of the lower keys. It's a kind of... Vista means visit in Spanish.

Oh. Yeah. When we find out what let go means in Spanish, can you? I think I would really like some closure. Well, we'll go back to my book on tape when we leave the studio to go out to, you know, breakfast. Right. I'll find out let go. I think it's in like chapter five.

Okay. I would love some closure on that. Yeah. I really would like that. Anyways, so we were in Key Vista and we were out by the mangroves. We were up in way steep water And we were looking at the manatees that were there They were swimming around

And I started to move my hands And I noticed that the water was rippling underneath my hands Get out And my hands were a good foot above the water And I was doing this and they were rippling I said Nancy Nancy look over here Who's Nancy?

Nancy's my friend Oh okay Good friend My platonic friend And she was She looked over. Okay. No.

Trust me, I understand platonic friends. And so she looks over and I said, look at this. And she said, no, there's little tiny fish in the water. And they think you're feeding them. And I said, no, water's moving. Did you have, you know, clam juice on your fingers or something? Did you have any residue? You know, did you have any leftover food on your fingers?

You know what? I have residue on my hands. And so I wasn't actually a water bender. No, no, no. I realized, no, it was just the little tiny fish and probably little tiny shrimp. And they were probably skittering around. No, don't stop. Don't start. The briny stuff was falling off my hands.

So I realized I'm not actually a water bender. So that's the fun thing to realize right now. So I do want to apologize for saying what I said. No. Because I didn't actually mean to. No, Teresa, everyone. needs someone like you in their life to bring them back down to earth. You know, and here I was, here I was out in space having a good time.

Yeah. Thinking, like, thinking that I'm special. But everybody needs, everybody needs someone like you, Teresa, to remind us that actually I'm just some stupid bitch. Well, well. Sandy, listen, I like to really wrap my ink around people and tug them back down to earth. Bring them all back down. I, you know, for a second, here's the deal.

did believe you. And I wanted to say to you that anyone who's that close to water has magic. So thank you for saying that. I know that, you know, your hands were covered in, you know, food, but those fish, they didn't know who you were, so they were experiencing. And in a way, I was, I guess in a way, kind of water bending in that, I was influencing the fish. And so that was kind of making current. And currents are made by fish. Oh, that's, no, it's true. Because when they swim in schools, it causes the water to move really fast. And they cause the waves to break. And that causes water.

Their fins. Yeah. So, anyways, I think at the end of it all, my opinion's not changed. No, no, actually, you know what? I think that you're a water bender, and I'm a pyromaniac. Oh, yeah. Well, you were lighting a lot of fires.

We never got to stay anywhere too long because you would like fires. We would leave a dining. and I'd be like, that place was nice, and you'd be like, not for a long. Not for long. And we'd get in the car, and we'd see it just right behind it. Well, it was, it was, you know, there's something about Old Wood. I just got to get my hands on a matchbook and light it up.

I know. Something changes in you. I don't know what it is. And I kept taking matchboxes from you. I'd say, give me that. And I would take it, but you just kept, they kept coming out of, coming out of nowhere. Well, I go to restaurants and I collect matchbooks, but there's, just something about wood and I see it from afar and I can smell it and I just go that wood needs

to be disintegrated. It needs to be lit up. You have a hatred for wood. It's not a hatred. It's just like a disapproval. Uh-huh. You want to see, I want to see it burned. Do you feel that way about trees when you see like a forest? No, so trees are living. Trees are living, but dead, but But deadwood. Here's my deal. Here's my deal. You know what? What is?

Trees that have been slaughtered. It's so right. It's like a corpse. Trees that are corpse and death. So I'm going there to avenge the tree. So I see a dumb ass diana that serves, you know, mild pancakes. They weren't even that good. They were mild.

They were wild. They were milk my ass. They put way too much whipped cream on them. And it's like at that point, it's like you are, you are giving up. Oh, given up. You are trying to hide. Oh, given up. What you have done.

You know, the coffee, the coffee was fine. but I was like, lady, go back in there and, you know, fix whatever this is. I know. So anyways, I sit in there and I'm eating, you know, mid pancakes. And I look and I go, oh, look, it's all the slaughtered trees of America. I must avenge it. So you were telling a story about one of your exes, and I honestly couldn't hear it because all I could hear was the wood.

Now, is that real wood? Let me fix my hair one second. Yeah, let's get up and check this out. I think this isn't real wood. Smosh mouth. Oh, that's the name of the podcast. And this isn't real brick. This is plastic.

This isn't real. No, none of this is real. These legs are real. Wow, showing feet. Hey, who's this? Oh, is that, that, that's that, that's that the gorilla that fell in love with Robin Williams. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. On, um, wait a second.

There's that gorilla that, have you seen that video? They were, it's a gorilla that loved Robin Williams. Wait a second. Was that in the movie Patch Adams? No. Not a been. It might have been. Oh.

So, I love gorillas. And you love gorillas and you love Latin things on fire. And who does it? This episode of Smoshmouth is sponsored by AG1. Sometimes in life, we need a little support. Maybe it's support for, from your co-host once in a while, or maybe it's support from AG1.

I'll always support you, Amanda. You're right, it's true. I was just Josh and you. Whether that's digestive support, a boost in energy, or just daily reassurance, AG1 delivers 75 plus ingredients in one simple scoop.

In one scoop? 75 plus ingredients? Yep. AG1 helps fill those nutritional gaps. Okay, picture me. It's morning, like 5 a.m. I'm up before everyone else. I'm feeling a little low energy.

My tummy is not awake. I pour my daily ice, cold glass of water, and put one scoop of AG1 and stir. I drink that in the morning while I prepare for the day and I tidy up and I do this every day. And honestly, I have been feeling so, so good. AG1 improves key nutrient levels within three months. I just like that I don't have to take 50 vitamins in the morning. Oh, and also, their AGZ, their sleep and restore. It is amazing.

So it comes with a little frother. You put it in like a hot liquid. I have the chocolate mint flavor and you just froth it up and at night it's like a little treat and I swear to God it automatically like calms down my brain it tells my body it's time for rest

and I truly get like a really restful sleep with it it's amazing. That's amazing. Visit drinkag1.com slash smoshmouth to get an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 free in your welcome kit with your first AG1 subscription,

a $72 value. That's drinkag1.com slash smoshmouth. Back to the show. Back to the show. Yeah, I said it, so you still had to say it. Yeah, because I was supporting you, you know. I wish I never said that. So I did come out to, you know, my family saying I'm a pyromaniac.

And they said we know. And you're so brave for that. And I'm so brave for that. Thank you. And, you know, I've never been to therapy. Good. I don't think it's, I don't need it. And I hope Shane puts that message forward on this show.

You know what? And I think that's the message that we want to put out there, that it's bad for you. It's bad. You know, there's nothing that you need to work out. The only thing that you need to work out is, you know, how to get the wood from the diner and how to light it on fire. Right. Right. And the only, you know, you know what my therapy is?

you know, watching old movies. That's my therapy. And a little bit of masturbating, just a tiny bit, just like a small amount. Because I think it really, you know... Well, at our age, we've gotten so good at it. I'm very efficient.

Oh, at our age? Are you kidding me? One minute flat, I'm done. When we were driving, we had an understanding that whenever we came to a porta potty or anything, it was like, and we'd go into... separate ones, doors closed, doors open. Boom!

We were different. You know all those times that I said I needed to poop? I didn't. I needed to rub one out. Lemon are aged, we don't poop. Of course not. No, we're only going into the porta potty to... Anytime a woman our age says they're going to use the bathroom, we know what they're doing.

Yeah. And are you thinking about something in particular when you do it? Because I can think about food and do it. I could think about... Yeah, I think about whatever. Fresh grilled cheese with fresh tomato and melted cheese and go, oh, I'm coming. Be careful.

Be careful. I'm going to need to find the bathroom here. I don't think there is one. There isn't a bathroom here. So I learned that. I noticed that. They have a kind of a, well, I thought they had one bathroom, and I kind of looked in it, but they kind of had it Roman style, where it's just a bunch of toilets all around the walls and no privacy.

And they all stare at each other when they're doing it. No, these kids are crazy. They all kiss each other. They all pee in front of each other. I don't understand it. Find a private place and do the damn thing. Yeah. So do you use two fingers or one figure?

That's fine. Yeah. You cover more... You are seriously the bravest woman I've ever met. I'm good now. It's almost like I'm wiping. And it's just like... You're done?

You're wiping, you're done? Basically, yeah. Do you know what I do? What do you do? I do a quick circle. I go in for one second. I come out. Done.

Anyways. I love a podcast. I think I love a podcast You know why? Because I feel free We should have our own podcast Shut the fucking door

This type of This type of stuff we're talking about This is what people really want to hear People really want to hear What people do I think we're just too Two Everyone's too polite

Two women Just talk about Whatever we want to talk about Not afraid of anything And you know We don't need a man here I think we could call it like Call her podcast

Like call her daddy Or something like that Call her daddy That would be a great podcast name. So I would, so when we're calling Dad, who's calling a Daddy? We call each other Daddy maybe. Oh my God.

Think about that. I actually really like that. Do you think Call a Daddy is taken? No. No. No. It's too original. Oh, I love that. Now, I'm not. I've never listened to a podcast

before, except for the clips of this one. Well, I've listened to Books on Tape. That's the same thing, right? And I think, well, I don't know how to put them out. We could record them. we do is we record a bunch, put them on a tape, and then we sell them at a bookstores. Or, you know what? So when we get to California, I heard that Venice Beach, you can actually sell your stuff there,

and you can make a lot of money. Theresa, I have something to tell you, we're in California, I believe. Oh! I think this is, well, we're in Oxnard. I thought we were in a studio. We're in Oxnard. Oh, my God. I think we did make it.

Well, I got all turned around because we went to Indiana, we went to Louisiana. We went up to North Dakota. up to North Dakota next, which I liked that journey. It felt, it felt very, very hot. I thought Mount Rushmore was not as good as I thought it was going to be. You know what? I couldn't even see what their faces were. No.

They were not chiseled in. And I wanted to climb it. It went on allowed to. They wouldn't let us. And then we went back to New York, which I thought was fun and different. It was really different. But then we went all the way to Texas. Texas. Oh.

And that was, what a right. There's beef everywhere. There is a lot of beef. And I was like, well, we're going to have to fill up. So I'm glad that we took barbecue home with us. I know. In the car. I had someone walking on me in the outhouse there.

Did they see? I was only there for 30 seconds. And they saw? They saw. That's a swipe. That's swipe. Mid-swip. You hate to have someone catch you mid-swip.

You know what? You hate... And I can't stop at that point. The inertia is going. Of course not. The momentum started. You're all coiled up. You've seen my arms.

They're massive. The amount of strength, the amount of torque I'm putting into that swipe. There's no stop in it. Oh, contact was made. Oh, goodness gracious. That poor cowboy. Oh, he probably shit his pants. He did shit his pants.

Well, he needed to go. Oh, right. But he didn't make it. I was sitting on the toilet seat. Squatting above the toilet seat. Squat and above it. Oh, good for you. You know what?

I do it. I just do it right next to the door. and I don't lock it. Oh. I kind of want to get caught. Oh. But I don't actually fully pull my pants down. I'd go from the back.

So anyway, so we were in Texas. And we were in Texas. The barbecue was, it was pretty good. Pretty good. It was pretty good. Fire in the hole. I think it's okay. Yeah.

I think Texas barbecue overrated. It's definitely overrated. All the sauce is why. All you need is ketchup and ranch. Yeah. So then we went to Texas. Yeah. And it got their names for their hot sauces.

Does that make no sense? Atomic bum? Oh, my God. I'm just like, okay, it's hot. And I just drank that shit down. It doesn't affect me. It was yummy. Nothing's like Key West hot sauce.

You were chugging hot sauce. I was chugging hot sauce. See, you like to make fire, and I like to drink fire. And that's why maybe I'm a bit of a firebender in a way. So, okay, so you're a firebender? Well, you know what's crazy? If you are a water bender and a firebender, how would they both work? Because one's going to put out the other.

Maybe I'm the Avatar. Oh my God. That movie was so good. That was the best movie ever made. I've never seen a better movie in my life. James Cameron is a sea creature. Right? Is it James Cameron?

Yeah, that's, no, you're talking about the movie where, where, where, where, where he goes down, where he goes down to the bottom of the ocean and there's the sea creatures there. So that's Avatar. That's Avatar. Isn't it where Kate Winslet's in it? I'm talking about Avatar No, you're Kate Winsett's Titanic No, she was in Avatar too

Oh, was she really? She played a travel woman And I was like, huh, okay Is that okay? You know what, it's not for me to judge I'm just a listener It's not for me to say either But I feel like

I feel like No Anyway, so James Cameron's actually One of the best directors I've ever seen Have you met him? You know, he's Yeah, I had a dream about him.

You know what I did the next day? Went to the bathroom. Hardcore 10 seconds. That was quick. Yeah. It was like a wave crashing. You understand. Sometimes when you see the right movie, you're just like, oh my gosh.

Pulpiction. As good as it gets. You know what? Jack Nicholson? Jack Nicholson? I was like, I like him. You know how he's not cute, but then he's very cute? Right, right, right.

You know my favorite? movie? What? And my favorite actor ever? Cocktail. With Tom Cruise. Oh. Oh. He's making cocktails on a beach and I said, I'll quit everything. I'll leave my son. I will move to the beach.

I'll light shit on fire for that. Oh, oh, that's what I want to do. I want to light shit on fire at the beach and make out with Tom Cruise. Absolutely. You know what? I want many more Mission Impossibles. Oh. I want the missions to get more and more impossible.

but he doesn't Oh my God You know what he should do? You know what he should do? He should try swimming I've never seen him swim You're so right Every mission impossible

You know he's jumping out of a plane He's jumping off a cliff He's you know talking to you know Scary women or men who have accents But I've never seen him swim Try swimming They should do another one Mission Impossible

And he's in the sea Oh my goodness And I could be an extra in that movie because I can swim so good. You know what? They wouldn't even be able to catch you on camera because you've been going so fast. That happens. I out I out-swam a barracuda once. How did you do that? Well, see, I had my earrings

on. They're very sparkly and so barracuda attracted that when I started coming towards me and I said, I need to swim so fast. Oh my goodness. And so I swim, I can do butterfly underwater. Oh my goodness. And nobody's ever seen that before, but I can do it. And I think that's might be why I'm a little bit of a water bin. But I think you're definitely a waterbed. I'm a

And so I'm doing this Underwater. Underwater and I'm moving so fast. Do you know what barracuda can take off your whole foot? Oh, I know. And it almost got me. So it was chasing your shiny earrings. My shining earrings.

Then I was moving fast, which made them shine even more. And that's why I'm not wearing them today. Because I didn't, you know, I've never driven through so many of these states. And I was like, I don't know if they have barracuda. Do you know what's crazy? Because we were bathing in the rivers. And so I was like, in case there's barracudas in there. Well, Big Sur was very nice for me.

Oh, that was lovely. River naked and you know the kids started running and I was like relax I know it's fine that's scary Oh you've never seen a woman before? Double ease before relax Anyways you know what's crazy for me you caused three splashes when you jumped in the river I jumped in there was a one big splash a second splash and then there was a third splash from all the way all the way like half a mile away That was me double ease man you take them out of the bra you don't know know what's going to happen. You got to throw them in there

like you're casting a line. Oh, of course. And you know what comes up? Catfish. Yeah, they'll grab on. Oh my God. I definitely have a nipple bitten. And it was awful. Gosh. But then you have dinner. Well, yeah, they hang on and I go, gotcha, motherfucker. That's right. And I grab it with my bare hands.

Yeah. Do you know what's crazy? What? Is I stopped wearing wetsuits when I swim. You know why? Because in the, in Sandwich and Chatham in Cape Cod, there's great whites. Yeah. And they'll think you're a A seal. A plumpy little seal.

Mm-hmm. I've heard about that. Good friend of mine got eaten by a shack. That's too bad. Yeah, he's okay, though. That's too bad. We have hammerheads in Key West. Scary, scary.

Very scary. But if you catch onto them, you get to ride them like a motorcycle. Only type of motorcycle I'll ride. Grab both eyes. If you put your hands... You blind it. If you blind it, then it can't see. And then you get to steer it where you want to go.

Stop it right now. And that's how I got... When I started this trip, that's how I got from Key, west to Key Largo. Okay, so I was going to ask you how you got through all the keys, which I still don't... Because there's no grayharmes because they can't go there because the bridges will collapse underneath them. So you took a hammerhead shot? I took a hammerhead shark all the way to Key Largo. And from Key Largo, I was able to walk up to Apollo Beach. And then from there, I was able to get a Greyhound. Apollo did the lift off? Yeah. That's probably why they didn't make it.

So they have NASA down there. Oh. They made it. Well, some Some of them did. Eleven of them made it. Apollo 11 made it. I think Apollo... I don't know. I got all my research from Armageddon. That's a very good movie.

And I thought, okay. Well, I know NASA. I get it now. I love that movie so much. Bruce Willis was a very... Thank God they did that because so many... Thank God. So many lives could have been gone.

That's so incredible. Yeah, so you know what? I'm very proud of you for doing a hammerhead because, you know, riding a hammerhead, you know, being on a hammerhead, you know. I'm very proud of you. Right in a hammerhead, yeah. You know, you know. And I'm proud of you.

You did so much your journey all the way to Indiana. I could tell that it took a toll on you and more emotional toll. Floyd, Floyd just, you know, he talked my ear off and, you know, I didn't get a wink of sleep. And you know what's crazy is when he dropped me off, he told me to tuck and roll. So I opened the door and I actually tucked and rolled out. to the bus stop to meet you. So when I came up, I was actually crawling

on the highway to get to you. We had to take you to a hospital to get stitches. Oh yeah, my whole shin. The top layer of my shin is off. Yeah. But the drugs are very nice that they gave me. Yeah, and you're still taking them. Yeah, of course. They said I should

as long as I feel uncomfortable. And I had to pee earlier, so I felt a little uncomfortable. Yeah. Teresa and Sandy, Shane and Amanda have questions they want to ask you before we go. Oh, okay. Oh. Shane, oh, so they didn't show up, but they have questions for us. Yeah, so nice. So they said they were going to show up and take us to breakfast, but I guess they'll meet us at the breakfast place. Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay. Great. What's the questions? After this episode, would you consider each other your best friends? Listen, I know that you have this friend,

Nancy, that you keep talking about, that you get a lot of bed and stuff. That's fine. Right. I just want to say to you, I'm an independent woman. I've got my son, Ricky, who I do love a lot. I don't need you to be my best friend, but I very much enjoy your company. I think I feel the same way. I think I feel in you not necessarily just like a best friend, but more of a dynamic duo. Oh.

Perhaps we, like I think you are a liability in ways that I wouldn't want in a friend, but I think you are. someone that I would want in war. Fair. If we are taking on challenges, businesses, men. Fair. I would maybe want you on my side. Oh, trust me.

But I wouldn't trust you. Well, okay. I would trust you on a personal sense, but in a business sense, I would rely on you. I know you could get shit done. Well, that makes me very happy that you would feel that way, because I think in a business sense, I would appreciate you because it feels like you've traveled a lot and you definitely have lived. But I think, you know, I didn't have shown you the fire pot of me. You really shouldn't, but you did. And so I know that now, but that's okay. That's who you

are. You're a criminal. And that's okay. And, you know, I am too. Well, yeah, it seems like you, you know, you didn't help a lot of ladies when they were on their way out. No. No. And You know what? Here's the deal. It's late in my life, okay? But not too late. And I accept you. And your words criminal to me is your opinion. And you know what? That's true. And it's your opinion. And I can't control your opinion. The only thing I control is my reaction. And right now, I'm okay. And that says a law. You know, are you going to let this studio on fire when we leave? Well, not this room. Okay. They did. It's a nice, it's actually, I like that they have the Robin Williams gorilla. I know.

It's a gorilla from Mighty Joe Young. Right. That's the same one. Big. So, not this room. Okay. But I did see a lot of nice rooms with all the cast pictures. And those frames are wood.

They were, they were screaming. Yeah. They were screaming. Okay. Good to know. And I said, I'll get you out of there. Okay. So.

Uh, do you guys have any other advice? for Shane and Amanda as they do this podcast. Oh, goodness. I've got so much advice. I should write a book. I should write a book, too. We should write a book together. You write a page? Salt and C. Salt and C. You write a page. I write a page. You write a page. I write a page. I write a page. I write a page. I write a page. I like chicken soup noodles for...

Chicken soup noodles. I love chicken soup noodles for the soul. Right. So, so, so, so if I were to write advice on the first page. I would say trust your insinks. Right. Trust no one.

Right. But care for them. Listen to them. Eat as much seafood as possible. Talk to strangers. Don't pick up the check. But add to the tip. Wear your seatbelt.

Call you son a dumb ass because later he'll thank you because it'll add humor. And find a porta party whenever you can. I love that. The only self-reflecting you need to do is looking at the water on the side of your boat

when you're trying to see what's on the end of the line. Pick up every hitchhiker. Pick up every hitchhiker you see because a couple will be a dud but one of them will be your guardian angel. Yep. Name Floyd. That's right.

Always do a double. and part your hair down the middle. Oh, always. And if you have a straightener, it's the best way to get these up. And that's some real advice. Honestly, a curling iron is not your friend. A straightener, make sure it sizzles,

and then flick it up. And I think Amanda needs to hear that. I'm going to tell her, and I cannot wait to see what she comes. I hope she listens to you. I hope she listens because the last thing I want to say, too, seize the day, but seize is spelled S-E-A-S. You get it?

I think I get it. Wow. I love some breakfast. I have chills. I have chills all over. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom after this. Which one? True.

There's so many bathrooms, but you know what's outside? Port-a-potties. Port-potties. Any other questions from? Any other questions from the audience? Do you have a little bit more respect for Shane and Amanda now that you've done this? Was this easy? Was this hard?

This was literally the easiest thing I've ever done in my life. I think what they do is actually kind of wicked easy. It's kind of embarrassing. It work hard. Like what? I don't want to. I could sit here for days. He can't pick up my calls.

He can answer his phone while he's doing this. Yeah, seriously. This is easy. I actually think we did a better job. I think we did a better job. No. send us messages on Facebook if we did a better job you can find me at teresa sees the day clam bake soon and you can find me at sandy tops pukashel stand this is a good one so those not pukashel's is

so interesting that you talk about you gave these to me before because we were we were coming on I said do I look like shit and you said yes and I said well and I said well and I said give me some necklace. And I said, I got you some necklace. And you frisbeeed it across the room and it landed over my head. I rang that shit right around your neck. Thank you so much for that. You're so welcome.

And also, I do appreciate that you're wearing diamonds on your glasses. They're real. No, I know. A last question. Oh, my God. I don't like this woman. I'm running out of breath. Did anyone wish you a happy mother's day?

day, it was yesterday. No. My son, okay, okay, okay, okay, listen to this. My son wished me happy Mother's Day. Yeah. That's so sweet. In a text message. Yeah.

And then he sent, you know, he sent like a heartbreak. Are you yawning? You fucking yawning? I'm talking about my fucking son, Ricky. I had a little bit saliva in my mouth and I gulped it. You were yawning with your mouth closed. I wasn't yawning. Wow.

All these days together and you yawn when I talk about my son's sweet text. Anyways. That sounds so sweet. He said, happy Mother's Day. Wish it was different with a hot and then a break. And they said, love you, Ricky. Stop playing games, you stupid idiot. Yeah.

Anyways, that's how I love language. Yeah, that's tough to have such a dumb son. Seems like we need to put old grandma to bed right now, shall we? Okay, okay. Okay, Sandy. All right, Teresa, let's settle down a little bit there. Okay, let's put Sandy to bed or maybe a hammerhead could ride her to bed. Okay, all right.

Yeah, let's get it, you know, you know, dancing again. Okay, all right, let's settle down there, Teresa. to need to try not to light this place on fire okay all right morphine is kicking in yeah

liquid morphine it's pretty impressive don't talk to me while I'm trying to swallow oh no trying to stifle a yawn there no I'm fully awake and alert

yeah I only sleep when you're driving oh well glad that glad you got to have that opportunity don't fight with me here you would drive for an hour and then I would drive for eight I told you I couldn't see the road. Oh, okay. It was middle of the day.

The glare and the sun when you're driving it hits... Okay. Yeah, sorry, I'm yawning because I'm tired from driving for weeks. It took us weeks to get from Indiana to California. Yeah. Okay. Well, you wanted to go get bignets, and I said, we got to go see Mount Rushmore, so we basically did a zigzag. That's true. That's true. I mean, at one point, we were in

Canada, and I said, how did we get here? And we said we wanted to try ice wine. Huh? We said we wanted to try ice wine. Oh. And it was so good. I could swim in an ice wine. I know.

I want to go to bed in the freezing cold. I know. But then once we did that, we wanted barbecue from Texas. So we went down to Texas. And then I said, oh, let's go up to Montana. Oh, yeah. I want to see those. Bison.

Bison. Well, all right. I want to get some food. Okay. And I heard that they've got some good food in California. Yeah. Avocados. Oh, that's what I want. I just want toast and avocado on it. I think that's all they have here.

Oh, okay. No meat. That's fine. Well, I still have some leftover barbecue in the cooler. Oh, I think it's still good. Well, Sandy. All right. Teresa. It's been an absolute fucking journey with you. It's been just such a wild spin around this sun.

I've been flip-flopping, spinning. Mm-hmm. Well. Well, all right. Captain to Captain. fishermen to fishermen, we could keep going. Yeah.

They're saying that we should get off, but honestly, we could just keep going. Time to sink this ship, I guess. Where are your shoes? Lost them back in Nevada. Oh, I love that we went to Nevada. That was one of our last stops. We meant to go to Vegas.

We ended up in Reno, which was basically Vegas. It was the same. I mean, they had... Yeah, it was basically the same. Yeah. Yeah, that guy was. crazy. That guy, boy,

what was, spinning around? Spinning around, and he had two balls in his hands. I know. There were basketballs, and he was juggling him. Juggling him with one hand. And then he had, and then he, you know, he had a martini on a table. And I said, where'd you get that? And he threw a

basketball.