Smosh Mouth - #18 - Reading Our Teenage Journals w/ Courtney Miller

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Shayne, Amanda, and Courtney take a look into their teenage minds by reading excerpts from their old journals. SUBSCRIBE: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshCast WEAR OUR JOKES: https://smosh.com WHO YOU SEE Shayne Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/ Amanda Lehan-Canto // https://www.instagram.com/filmingamanda/ Courtney Miller // https://www.instagram.com/co_mill/ OTHER SMOSHES: Smosh: https://smo.sh/Sub2Smosh Smosh Pit: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshPit Smosh Games: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshGames El Smosh (Spanish Dub): https://smo.sh/Sub2ElSmosh FOLLOW US: TikTok: https://smo.sh/TikTok Snapchat: http://smo.sh/OnSnapchat Instagram: https://instagram.com/smosh Facebook: https://facebook.com/smosh Twitter: https://twitter.com/smosh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Ben MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome back to Smosh Mouth. I'm Shane. And I'm Amanda, and we have our special guest here, Courtney Miller. Howdy. You're back. You're back.

I'm back. I haven't been on since the first episode. That's crazy. And look at what we've done. We changed the name. We've got a sign. We have a sign. And that's about it. And that's all. Yep, and we've grown a lot. Your name has changed. You put the word mouth

in it. Thank you, Jennifer Coolidge. Thank you, Jennifer. Never apologize for Jen. What have you been up to since you were last here? We haven't talked. I've been up to a lot. Weird.

I've talked to Courtney. I haven't talked to her in a while. Because I got to be a part of the first episode where we talked about this crazy Smosh announcement. Oh, my God. Yeah. And that involved a lot of changes. And so that included me. I direct Smosh Pit videos now

other fun stuff that's coming so yeah it's been just working it out she's really working it out right now she's working it like we got bought back

anyways it's totally different now. Yeah. You're settled. Now you're settled into the crazy change. Yes, yeah. We're in the groove. We're totally in the groove. And we don't give a shit that Anthony's back now. It's just regular everyday life. Yeah.

I bully him now. I just push him. I used to be like, Hey, Anthony! When he entered the office. But now I just shove him into a trash can. Oh, I remember when it was like you see Anthony and to be like, hey, Anthony, when he entered the office, but now I just shove him into a trash can. Oh, I remember when it was like you see Anthony and it was like, hello, Anthony, welcome. And you do a hug and now it's just like, what's up, bro? It's good to see you. What's up, loser? What's up, loser?

Smack him in the face. Yeah. So today, what we're going to talk about, a little bit last week, we talked about dating and we talked about our dating histories this week i want to get fully into who we were in middle school and high school and what life was like for us yeah school in high school what our pov was a large part of that inspiration is because uh a big thing on the channels over the years is courtney you've brought your like high school diary.

Middle school and high school, yeah. And you were very vulnerable to read that stuff and to have us perform it. And it's always gold. It's such a cool story how that series happened, too, because it was like we, Josh Mattingly, who was directing the channel at the time, just trusted me with this idea

where I found my old middle school diaries and I was like, yeah, I just want to share them. But it felt so weird to have these diaries with people's actual names and stuff. So I was like, maybe I should write them separately. And then I was like, oh my God, I should script these out and have everybody be casted

as the characters from my life. And it was such a wild shoot and everyone was really really really supportive when we did that and then the defy shutdown happened and we almost lost that footage forever and i begged and asked around like about it and i'm so glad i did because they were able to like secure those drives with the old footage that was never put to edit. They had the Defy Media watermark on them. And Kevin Rigg, who was our producer editor at the time, really worked close with me and we got to actually do it.

And it went so well. And then it became a series of those diaries. Really great. So cool. I mean, amazing. We did lose the footage of, was it Noah and I doing you and Olivia's makeup? Yes. was it Noah and I doing you and Olivia's makeup?

Yes. We did a video where I genuinely, not as a joke, not trying to be silly, I genuinely tried to do Olivia's makeup, and it was a train wreck, and I felt horrible. I felt horrible because I genuinely tried, but it was when I realized, I'm like, I have no fucking clue how makeup like makeup colors are supposed to work

I I do not understand any of this and I felt I I actually felt like shit I want to redo I felt like shit because I genuinely I went into it being like I want to I want to try to make Olivia like like Olivia looks great but I was like I want to make her makeup look great and I just couldn't do it and I was like ah this is hard I love a redo and maybe on me. And I was like, ah, this is hard. I would love a redo. And maybe on me. OK. Because I feel like every time I'm on set, rather than here, makeup artists make me look not like myself. They make me look like an Armenian princess. I don't know what it is. We need to bring a picture of what

we look like when we do have makeup to show them, be like, do this. Oh, kind of like the Mario Party game where you try to more. Yeah. Or just go hard because makeup artists who are professional will look at me and go i know exactly what to do and i'm like where am i going am i like going to the oscars but in spain oh my god but yeah that was that was really. And for years I've wanted someone else to step up to the plate and maybe show their diaries. It's very vulnerable. So I've completed the episode when no one else has done it. We got Angela's old AOL chats.

Which is amazing. And I see you have some, are those some props? So these are two journals. Here's the thing. I have a huge bin full of journals. I journaled since I was like could read and write. My first journal was a 101 Dalmatian journal that had a lock and key on it. I have so many journals.

It was just like what I love to do. I loved Lisa Frank. I was obsessed with Lisa Frank. So I had all Lisa Frank's like erasers. So these are just two. and they're specifically age 14. Wow. Like 13, 14, and 15. All of that was just 14.

Oh, yeah. Holy crap. I usually filled one per year, like a one journal per age. So yeah, I get you. But the fun thing is- Yeah, what is that? One of them is for school. So one of them actually we had to keep a journal in school.

And what I wrote in school is fucked up. My English teacher would go through it and read it. And I'm like, why did I ever write this stuff? So first, Amanda, could you explain what's on the cover of this journal? From what year was this? The year was 2002 2002 i know the context is important when uh looking at this cover 2002 um ashton kutcher's on the top on the cover in 2002 that makes a lot of great timing um the word beach cut out from a magazine is on the cover.

Lips, like a picture of lips. Cool. Aquarius, which I am an Aquarius. And Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. From Fast and the Furious. Hell yeah. But it's when Vin Diesel, listen.

Yeah, Vin Diesel. The first Fast and the Furious. Fast and Furious 1 Vin Diesel is not the same as current Vin Diesel. You have so many little scribbles on here, too. You have, like, you started to write your name, but stopped, so it's just a man. You know why? Because I don't think a pen could penetrate that cover. Yeah, I see English Journal. I see some numbers that are not sure.

On the back, I see you wrote English Journal, English Journal, I love you. Oh, you always, as a teenager, for somebody who just wants to write, I Love You. I Heart You. Group B. You must have been put in Group B at one point. Yeah, probably Group B. And then you wrote Amanda Leehan. Yeah.

So, wow. Why didn't you write Amanda Leehan Kento? Because that was not born yet. It was ACL forever. So that's my English one. And this is like my home one. This is the Dreamtime Journal. This is the journal of a dreamer.

So these aren't dreams. No. You were just. No. None of these are dreams. In fact, I hope they're not dreams. Because they're like, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck?

Amazing. Yeah, guys. 2002, I think I was in second or third grade. Wow. My parents were freshly divorced. Ooh, fun. Fun. Yeah, interesting times.

Okay. Also, don't forget that there's print out pictures of who my crushes were. Nice. Celebrities. This is Leonardo DiCaprio. No way. Amanda's love. Oh, my. I love you.

Exclamation mark. My future husband. He's only about 14 years older. Love at first sight. Heart X heart. Love at first sight. Heart X heart. Love at first sight? I've never seen this. Of the picture?

Yeah, man. And then there's Charlie Hunnam, Sons of Anarchy. Wow. I don't know. I like the girls. And then do you guys remember these? Do you guys remember these? Hold on.

Do you guys remember last scraping? And then you could scrape it. Can we just point out that you have an internet pop-up on the side or something? And it has Vin Diesel really skinny. Oh! It does? Yeah, Vin Diesel's on the side. Oh my god, I didn't even know.

My love. Hell yeah. Vin Diesel, Amanda's biggest crush. I love that these are just souvenirs. He wasn't even that big of a crush. So, okay, before we get into these journals, I want you to give us a little bit more background on who you were at 14.

What kind of 14-year-old were you? What group did you fit in with at school? I really had to read through here. So I was never part of one group. Okay. I was, as we talked about last week with Chance, I was part of a lot of sports teams, heavy in the theater department, and friends with a lot of different groups. So at lunch, I sat with different groups of people. I, like, didn't have one group that was, like, my sole group, right?

Like, I sat with, like like the cheerleaders they were called jackham what they were called jackham it was all their first all their first love yeah jackham off they were called jackham i sat with all different groups of people i was never really part of one that's kind of cool but i was heavy into theater but so you got along with everyone i got along with everyone but for me i had three sisters right and two of them were in the school usually with me and they but they were older so i was always seen as nicole's younger sister ali's younger sister for sure right my my my my one of my brothers had that because my oldest brother was like a senior when

he was a sophomore so it's kind of like a blessing, weirdly, when you have an older sibling at your school. It can be a blessing or it can be like my sisters were very protective. So it was like she's off limits. It was very like off limits, right? Like very. So like which was great. You know, I never dated anyone in my sister's grades ever. That was like not my style.

But when I was 14, I had to go back and really read my journals. Like I was, I felt everything. I'm sure every 14, but I literally was like a bleeding heart. Like I felt every injustice in the world I wrote about. I wrote about people being mean to people. I wrote about things I learned on, you know, on the news. I was like a bleeding heart

and every sister was my enemy. Were you like, I'm trying to picture you, were you like into poetry? Were you like a 14-year-old who's like, I read poetry. I was into song lyrics. Okay, that's. Like Good Charlotte.

There you go. Jewel, Avril Lavigne. I was heavy into song lyrics okay that's good charlotte there you go jewel avril lavigne i was heavy into song lyrics i wrote i was reading a journal and i was like this sounds like a good charlotte song oh it is because it is a good charlotte they're talking about the lifestyles of the rich and the famous no this was definitely so yeah i was i was a part of every group i loved theater i was heavy into my family like i had a lot of family events like i loved theater. I was heavy into my family. I had a lot of family events. I would stay with my grandmother a bunch. My family and I would go on vacations.

I was very like, I was a busy fucking kid. Yeah, it sounds like it. I was working and in a sport and doing theater. Holy shit. I was really busy. You want some school with those extracurriculars? What play were you guys doing? Oh, we were doing, we did, my God.

We did so many. Oh, we did Footloose. Okay. But here's the thing about me and plays. Sorry. I was always cast as the mom. Aw. It didn't matter if I had braces.

I was the mother. Were you at 40? Sorry. No, no, go ahead. You've been falling into the mother. Were you at 40? Sorry. No, no, go ahead. You've been falling into the mom role since you were a teenager? Listen, the big suits,

they would put on big shoulder pad suits and I had braces and I'd be like, you need to not go outside now. How tall were you at 14? Were you six foot? No, I was like 5'10".

Okay. I was really, really tall. That's what happened. And I had very big boobs because it's written all over my journal. Wow. I'll read one that's... Here's the first page. I have big boobs.

I'll read one that's about that. So normal in diaries. I also feel like why is it all like the best theater women had the best boobs? Oh, and they were always covered up. What? Wait. What? What? What do you say? that all the best theater women had the best boobs. Oh, and they were always covered up. I'm sorry, what? Right? What? What are you saying?

I just was like, when I was in high school, the high school theater women, the women in the theater program was like, wow, you're all so developed. Where's mine? We were so developed, and then they covered us up in weird shoulder pads,

like big blouses. Yeah, yeah. I know it was weird that I said that. And then they covered us up in weird shoulder pad, like big blouses. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. I know it was weird that I said that. No, I just wanted to move past it. And I was like, I'm straight.

Yeah. Yeah. All the women were fully developed and all the men were, you know, they were, yeah. As Chance were talking about, they were all mainly gay. Courtney, what did you think of Pippin? Boobs. Yeah. Yep. Okay Boobs. Okay. Okay. I think we get a good idea.

Generally. Bleeding heart. Bleeding heart. But also super angry. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

Yeah. 14 year olds are angry. So angry. I said fucking a lot. So your favorite band, Good Charlotte. I don't think they're my favorite. Favorite guy, Vin Diesel. Stop. favorite band? Good Charlotte. I don't think they're my favorite. Favorite guy? Vin Diesel.

Stop. Bleeding heart. Stop. Yeah. I was wicked pissed all the time. Oh, that's also, that's true. This is also East Coast. This is East Coast. I was wicked pissed at everybody. Wicked pissed? Everyone, I was wicked pissed. All my sisters was like, what a

bitch. She came into my room again. I was wicked pissed and i was so boy crazy i was but like i felt like i was like it was like withering heights in like 2000s boston like it was very like every guy that i talked about was like the love of my life this motherfucking mr dossie has the fucking balls to come talk to me. My accent was not that thick, but I wish it was. All right. Do we want to hop into one of these?

Okay. Also, I learned a trend about myself. I would be really intense on one subject and be like, anyways, I'm having a party this weekend. Yep. Yep. No, that's so normal. You wrote in this with zero intention of ever showing it to anyone, I'm guessing. Oh, never. Okay. Yep, yep. No, that's so normal. You wrote in this with zero intention of ever showing it to anyone, I'm guessing.

Oh, never. Okay. Never. In fact, I know we've talked about journals, how sometimes, you know when you write a journal and you're like, oh, what if someone reads this? I might edit it a little bit. This is very, this is completely unedited.

So much so that I had to go back and like. You say bye in your journals. I saw sometimes you said bye babe to your journal. Yep, I'll say bye babe and I say blah a lot. And I go ha ha ha ha ha a ton. Oh yeah, I feel like that's just normal for the times. That's standard fare. Ha ha ha ha, blah blah blah.

Like what? Huge. Also, I'll probably only read like half the page because the other half sometimes it gets very weird. That's okay. You can, it's your diary. You're allowed to read whatever you want.

Here's one that I was reading to shame. Oh God. Okay. Nine 26. Oh two George Bush. Question mark. I never noticed the shape of his head. He keeps saying head their head.

Does he understand what he's saying? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Anyways, spelt N EE-ways. Yeah. OMG. Today is me and Tony's one year and two month anniversary. Weird.

Told you. You dated a boyfriend that long? Yeah. I had a four year relationship when I was 12. George Bush is weird. Oh, also, it's our one year and two month anniversary Weird we aren't talking at all What is happening

But you guys were just like Had the label Maybe we just weren't meant to be I don't know what to do I'm confused very confused Or should I say Bridget in VC whatever I was obsessed with Bridget Jones Diary

God in VC, whatever. Oh, I was obsessed with Bridget Jones' diary. God. Whatever. It's all just too stupid. God, this is annoying. Harsh? Okay, so I also gave code names regardless. So I don't even know who this person is. You don't know who these people are.

Harsh is a code name, and I don't know who it is. Harsh is pissing me off. She acts like she's the woman. Ah! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, song stuck in my head. Other sister at wedding. Don't know. This is like your notes app when we read this stuff.

And I also gave code names. I even went through here being like, who is Femme? I had a code name Femme. Femme. I don't even know who that is. You had code names. That's so funny. So why was I in a one year, two month anniversary and we weren't talking at all?

George Bush's head. What about his head? It looks like a lemon. Can I read one? Yeah. Can I read one out loud as you? Let me find one. Yeah.

Let me find one that you can read the whole thing. And you proofread some of these, right? Yeah. I had to read through and I used Post-it notes to flag which ones were good to read, because it's a lot of mess. Yeah. Yep.

Give me, oh. You could read this one. Maybe this one's a lot. And anything you want, we can cut out. No, we're not cutting anything okay you can read this one this one's this one's this one's kind of intense okay i'm gonna be this one's kind of intense it's not yeah okay november 11th 2002 anger talk anger talk underlined hi haven't talked to you in a while. I have to talk to you about anger.

Anger can control people very much. Sometimes I say things I don't mean just because I'm pissed. I really regret it. One time in anger, my BF swore at me, and I swore back at him and and he was like he he was like next time he heard me swear and knew yeah you were like crazy so he so he oh okay so different guy yeah different guy okay so I swore back at him and Ben was like next time he heard me swear and knew johnny made me mad so he beat johnny up that just caused violence i like ben and johnny but it was my fault that that caused johnny's black eye whatever it's done all over i get angry a lot and regret a lot. It's normal. I guess you can say I can be a bitch a lot.

Yeah, you could say that. But I'm trying to be nice. Maybe I am, but we'll see when you... When you know me more. When you get to know me more. Bye! Anger wants to take over, but I won't let it. Aww.

So you made two guys get in a fight. Yes, I did. That's awesome. Yes, I did. Way to go, Anger. That was great. That's a good one. You read the whole thing.

You wrote about anger as a theme. I wrote a lot of themes. I wish mine was as coherent as that. Yours is so coherent. We acted it out. But one journal entry would be like, ugh, he was so mean to me. Here's my outfit for tomorrow.

And then like a shitty drawing of my outfit. That's mainly mine. Like literally. Wait, wait. I think the more unhinged it is, the more successful of a journal it is because that's the point. Yeah.

You're supposed to be unhinged. Like I feel like I, I was telling Shane that I feel like a lot of it was like- You wrote so much. Every single one of these pages is filled. I wrote every day. Here's one. 1-8-0-3.

January 1st, 2003. I wrote that out. I don't know why. We were probably learning. Hey, today's a good day. Ha ha ha. I just figured out that I have no friends. And then I wrote sad face.

Then I wrote ha ha ha ha ha ha. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, school is very hard. Very hard. Midterms. Hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. Anyways, I want to love someone. Ah, actually, I like like we'll call him mark for some

reason i had a dream about him and i love him he's wicked hot everyone in my grade is i won't say what this word is i'll say dumb especially femme which is a code word psycho but not hopscotch. Bye. And then a little flower. And then a little flower. Wow. You say wicked unironically. Oh, I said wicked all the time. My first year when I moved here and I worked in a bar, everyone's like, that's wicked awesome, right?

I'm like, yeah, it is wicked awesome. They're like, way to go, Matt Damon. Loser. I say wicked all the time. Yeah. You're from Boston. My family still says wicked. Yeah, they're in Boston. I know, I love it.

It's just great seeing, I never picture a kid saying wicked. I know, picturing a 14 year old saying it is very funny to me. You can read one. This one's just dumb. Okay, I'm gonna give this a shot. So this is February 3rd, 2003 2003 a monday you wrote monday

mondays uh damn i forgot my black clip again underlined at uh brit brits you can say it at brits that you didn't that that r is that's just two I's and two T's. When she's probably wearing it right now and probably going to loose it. Ah, I'll be so pissed. So pissed. Oh, man. Anyways, I'm pretty sure everyone invited can come to my party.

Okay, let's see. and then you got a bunch of names uh celebrate good uh brit uh times come on uh there's like a weird squiggle down the middle of this dividing stuff uh come on so bring your good times and your laughter. Oh, you're quoting Earth, Wind, and Fire. Because we're going to celebrate and party with you. Come on. Dad, Allie, and Cole know about Wilkes. I don't know what's happening. Some people are better at reading. some people are better at reading.

I'm not good at reading. I think I have a talent for it. I said, celebrate with you. Oh, my God. Mom, Dad, Allie, Nicole, know about Wilkes and Bob and me driving around with them. I'm sorry, but I didn't get grounded or anything. Bye, Amanda. Nice.

Wow. That's impressive that you can read that. I have no idea what was happening on that page. You know why? Because my handwriting is more cursive. It's similar to cursive, but not quite. The thing that I realize is I get really mad at the top, and then I think I realize, oh, things are good.

Things are happening. I'm happy. Would you write at the same time every day? Would it be at 9 p.m.? No. I sit down, and I write in my journal. No. I wrote every day. Like would it be like at 9pm I sit down and I write my journal No I I wrote like everyday

I still Amanda pretty much journal everyday That's great It's just like something but usually why it's like scribbly Is cause my thoughts are getting out faster Than my pen And I think this one specifically was for English class so my English teacher Is reading all of this just heads up

What? He's reading all this because he's responding sometimes. Wait, what? Yeah. Yeah, it's normal. It's an English class and we had to read it. And this is what I wrote about. And my English teacher would respond. Why is this so foreign to me? My high school had this, like my one of our English teachers did it, and other ones didn't. But I had him for a different class, and he was the best teacher at that school. And I was always jealous that I didn't get to have that, because that, to me, felt like more parenting than I had gotten as a kid. It was like, yeah.

Because I was never honest about my feelings to my parents. What would he respond? Like, yeah, George Bush's head does look weird. I'm trying to look this was his handwriting but yeah it's like you could just because they're not going to judge you for this this is what he wrote hey happy day first congrats on quarter one amazing work i think you can do better oh but i love having you as a student because you're always smiling try hard and have a fantastic attitude. It was cool to meet your mom. She rules. I hope science gets better. Just keep working at it. I remember last year in writing lab, you and Brittany hated me. This is what my teacher wrote.

I thought you were still going to hate me this year. Anyways, what else happens? Have fun at the semi. Be careful with BM. He also has a code name name i know exactly what he's talking about he is well you know i ain't writing it i think you rule be happy what that's my teacher so i think i think in earlier in here i'm i'm writing code names yeah about boys and he's like be careful oh be careful he's giving advice even not knowing who they are. That's funny. Honestly, I think teachers like this are so sweet because it's way more humanizing. And it's not like this was an unchecked curriculum. Obviously, I feel like it was always very appropriate. And I thought it was so cool that people got to have a journal.

That was part of their curriculum. I never had that in any of my classes but i did journal all the time yeah you have like a million i literally had a million as well yeah so wait how many journals do you have at this point oh so many i don't know like over a dozen no like 20 or holy shit so there's there's a whole like storage box filled with them if i had been in a class like this where I had to write in a journal and the teacher would read it, I'd be writing like, today I studied a lot more and I really love school. And I would just be lying. I wouldn't be confessing anything.

Well, you... I would never. I would totally lie every day. Because you want to impress them, huh? Yes. Me, 14, I would have lie every day. Because you want to impress them, huh? Yes. Me, 14, I would have written insane shit. I'd have been like. See, what's funny is I always thought I was like that.

But after reading this, I'm like, oh my God. I really say everything I'm feeling. I also think you get to a certain point in those journals where maybe at first you're trying to write like a student. Yeah, look at this handwriting. I think some of them i'm like hello miss hello mister how are you i hate march so much it's busy i don't know do you think do you think your teacher was actually reading it because you know his yeah he's responding to but his note thing oh because i was gonna say that first note was just like yeah it's pretty good you probably do better i know i also feel like

as a teacher though i would i would be so interested in something like this because I think it's a great way to understand your students. Yeah. And then also humanize yourself in responding. Like, the fact that he acknowledged that you guys used to hate him, interesting. But, like. I know. I read that, and I was like, that's a little weird. It is interesting that he brought that up.

That he said that. Hey, guys. Just a quick break from the diaries to let you know this episode of Smosh Mouth is brought to you by BetterHelp. Amanda, are you a fan of therapy? Oh, yeah. Huge fan of therapy. I started therapy when I was younger, and I feel like it really helped me understand my anxiety and how to handle it. What about you?

I actually didn't start it until I was in my 20s and it was immense for me. I know it can be tough for people because of the schedules and stuff. Oh yeah. And I feel like if you want to start therapy, doing BetterHelp is really beneficial because it's very accessible. It's entirely online. It works with your schedule. And all you have to do is fill out a questionnaire. You can find the therapist that you like. And if you like not for me you can change it and they don't charge you sounds great yeah make your brain your friend with better help visit betterhelp.com slash smosh mouth today to get 10 off your first month that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash smosh mouth all right back to our diaries.

Okay, here we go. But here's one that I wrote that I definitely read. I don't know his responses, but 22403. Hey, everyone is pissing me off. Mark told everyone about how I said Mike kisses like a horse. OMG. Wicked awesome. Everyone is so full of gossip. It. Wicked awesome. Everyone is so full of gossip.

It pisses me off. I fucking hate them all. Damn. Especially whatever I called him first. Fucking Mark. Then I say his last name. He's such a bitch. God.

What the hell? I hope this all blows over calmly. Fuck that. This will probably turn into a mess. Wow. Wow. I'm like wicked pissed. Like completely pissed off.

I love how back and forth you go in these. You like repeat, yeah. I hope this all gets solved. It probably fucking won't. I hope we're all friends. I hate this. Which is why going off of your inspiration, like, which is why I think it'd be so fun to perform because,

okay, he goes, and then I go, God, I just want to shake Bobby and say, why, why did you do this? Why do you have to be so mean?

Why do you have to be such a fucking dickhead? No, I'm steaming. I'm mad at Amy too. Like i can't like what like please what a fucking son of a bitch i'm pissed and your teacher's like i think you could do better i think um let's look up some synonyms and we could try to like why did he let me say any of this i think that's cool i think he was kind of it's like a judge-free zone if you're just like writing and maybe he meant like.

Do you think he would ever go over to Mike and be like, hey, you should watch your back. Amanda. Yeah. Yeah, you can read the teacher. I don't think he touches on any of like the

being pissed or anything. You can read the teacher's response. Dear Amanda, hello. March is not so good. Mind you, he looked like Professor Snape. Okay.

This is what he looked like. Dear Amanda, hello. March is not so good. Mind you, he looked like Professor Snape. Okay. Dear Amanda. Hello. March is not so good. I think it is long too cold, etc. I like April. I love spring warm days. May is my favorite. My birthday is 26th. I will expect a gift. I'm not sure about the MCAS. See, that's the thing.

He codenames. I think he's giving me codenames. I have to ask because that was the first I heard of it. I think the Six Flags trip will be fun. I love Superman. And I really want to go to Washington as a chaperone. And there is no room. What?

What? What? What? Maybe weird. I may pay my own way. Maybe. It may get cancelled. Don't worry about the history

paper. There are like seven weeks left. Just keep at the research. I will show you the format as we proceed. You will you will I don't know. You will define. Define. Trust me.

Luck. Well, keep up the good work. You will be Luck. Well, keep up the good work. You will be fine. Well, keep up the good work. Be happy. Peace. Mr. S. 100%. He hardly touches on anything you said.

Because it would be weird if he was like, yeah, that guy fucking pissed me off too. I think that guy was just phoning it in. I think he's like, yes, I... Maybe he's trying to show you what proper journaling is. I think he's like, this is what I'm looking for. Talk about how Six Flags is cool because you like Superman. Maybe do that. He was a good teacher.

Why is he talking about, I want to be a chaperone on the West Coast. He was a good teacher. It is a little weird that he was like, I thought you guys hated me. It's like... This guy is a little too invested in teenage opinions. That's so funny. Okay, so this is your personal non-school journal. This is not school.

Were you writing in these at the same time? Yeah. Okay. This was like, it's still a lot of like piss me off. It looks like a recipe book. Wicked stupid. Oh, yeah. Lots of drawings.

Look it. I drew an eye. Okay, classic. Now I see the planet orbit around the sun from my point of view. Wow. So view. Wow. So beautiful. Guys. Pretty cool.

And then it's like, I hate my fucking sister. She's such a bitch. Oh my gosh. I think I was afraid to swear sometimes in my journal. Really? Because God was watching. Because God was watching. Did you think God was reading your journals?

I think so because there was a journal on like like, the first time I kissed a girl, I wrote that I was going to hell in red color pencil. And I was like, I'm sorry, I have sinned. And, like, I was, like, as if I was writing to him. See, it's so funny. It's so different. Like, I was like, these journals are the only place that I can truly be totally myself. And not really caring.

I did write, watch over me, Angel. I wish I could be a good artist, but at least I'm lucky in a unique talent singing, kind of. There you go. Courtney, how many diaries do you think you had throughout your teenage years? I showed, I think, three or four of them in the videos but and those were like the journals so and then like probably had random ones here and there of like other notebooks that i would write in so i would say at least eight like within from sixth grade to ninth or tenth. And then after that stuff kind of got different. I was like, yeah, it came very online. And like, so I used to like have weird, uh, like Tumblr journal entries that are gone now. Same. I love Tumblr. Tumblr like made me realize what feelings were like.

I feel like the difference between you and me in our diaries was like you were like anger let's talk about anger and like i didn't know what like how to acknowledge or process my feelings i was just feeling them and like me trying to acknowledge my own feelings almost felt like uh self-absorbed just because of weird ways that i was treated so like i was i didn't understand i was like why why is this happening but never like could understand like oh you're feeling this way I never had that

I think I think I like we talked about this the last episode I grew up you know very Portuguese around my grandparents all the time

I think if I grew up with my dad's family around me a lot this wouldn't be happening because they were Irish they kind of they were very kind they didn't really talk

about their feelings. My Portuguese side, everything was unfiltered. Everything was like meshed all together. And my mom was very open about her feelings, like anger, sadness, tears. I knew everything that was going on. I don't know if that was a good thing, but it opened me up to be really emotional. I was very in touch with my emotions. And I was so angry.

But I was angry not just at stupid idiots pissing me off, but I was angry at the world. Right. And I was going through my journal, and I have so many angries about. And this one, actually, I will say, angries. This one made me go, oh no. Like I was, okay, let me read this one to you. Oh, can I read it? Yeah.

Is that okay? Yep. If there's anything weird in there. May 31st, 2003. Hey, I feel so self-conscious. Everyone calls me big boobs. It's horrible. I just want to slap them and say, look at me.

Look at my beauty in me, just like there is in everyone. I know I'm different, but I wish they could see my beauty. See me for me and not just a nobody who's fully developed. I'm sitting here after getting home from uh from brit seeing um her new puppy i just want everyone to love me well not exactly me and brit and other friends were going to sneak out and we fell asleep and the next morning uh bobby said yeah was it because amanda was being a bitch what see the beauty not my features you wrote that in a little mirror on the bottom oh my god wow and a boy was being weird about that means your friends were talking about you behind your back all the time boys were talking about me all the time i

would have friends come up to me and be like, this boy wants to try to get with you. This boy wants to try to get with you because he thinks that no one can get with you. That was the biggest thing. They're like, they think that no one can get with you, so it's his goal to get with you. Oh my God. So my 14-year-old self, I would become friends with

guys who became brotherly to me. They became very protective. I felt Like they became like very protective. I felt like I had a very protective sense because my sisters were protective, but they got way more protective as I got older. But I read this and I was like, oh my goodness.

Like see me for me and not because I'm fully developed. Yeah, that's so sad. I mean, meanwhile, I was like, my friends keep calling me bra stuffer, even though I am. And I hate it. I hate that they know my tricks. To make you feel better, I'll tell you something really embarrassing about how boys treated me.

Which was like, so if I ever found out a boy liked me in my pre-teens and my early teens, I would be like, oh, I like them too. Because I wanted to be liked, and I wanted a boyfriend so bad. So I would be like, oh, I like them too. Because I wanted to be liked, and I wanted a boyfriend so bad. So I would be like, oh, I like you too. And if they asked me out, I always said yes. And then it got to a point where this group of boys, one would ask me out, and then the next day another would ask me out. I'd be like, oh, no, but I'm dating this other guy.

And they'd be like, oh, well, I heard that you'll go out with anybody. And I was like, what? Motherf I heard that you'll go out with anybody. And I was like, what? Motherfucker! There's literally no way to win when you're a teenager. Like, there was like a running gag with these boys

and then they would start just telling people that we were dating. And so I would just like be like, like this random boy I had to be like, hey, we're not dating.

Like, why are you telling people that? And he's like, I didn't. And I was like, but he definitely did. And then what do you do after that? He's just like, I didn't. And I was like, but he definitely did. And then what do you do after that? He's like, I didn't do that. So many issues that would just go afray.

It really shows you cannot win in high school. No. You're a loser for whatever you do. Yeah, exactly. You date, you're a fucking loser. If you don't date, you're a fucking loser. And I think reading through this, it made me realize

okay all these shit all this shit can happen to you but how do you like see the world and i think like this is like our last episode with chance like i feel like since we all come from different things we see the world differently but when i read my journal i was like oh wow okay i see the world that's where all that comes from like all that like injustice because all these fucking idiots that i call horrible names in this all these sons of bitches these wicked wicked idiots are they'll always do stupid shit forever and it's just like i feel like when you journal you really realize how it makes you feel and it's so insane so it's like when you were talking about like being a teen and like you know your your your career and you like couldn't lose it but it's like in high school and middle school that's why people are obsessed with these stories because it's like everything

was at stake everything Everything was the most important thing ever. Like someone calling you a bitch, a boy calling you a bitch. That was the thing. You were just like, my life is over. Like half this journal

was like, I'm hurting. I hate it. Like, you know what I mean? It's also though, it's so intense though. Like imagine if we went through

that type of shit on a daily basis as an adult here. Oh. It would be awful. Look, if I came to work and I was here and someone called me a bitch, that probably would be the highlight of my day. I'd be like, yeah, were you there when Noah called me a bitch? That was everything. Well, you have a bunch of people figuring out life at the exact same time.

Of course, it's going to be chaos. And they're all just bullying each other on what they think is okay and what they think is normal. And so everyone's just battling of what's's normal and what's not which is so crazy when there's like so many different types of kids all together I was 11 when that dating stuff was happening like 11 or 12 oh my god the fuck

what about you Shane what were you like a little bit what you were like because you were saying it in your journals do you have journals so yeah I have as opposed to to you guys hearing that you both have like 20 journals is hilarious to me because i did start journaling when i was 15 but from 15 to now i only have two journals one that i completed and one that I have been still putting entries in since like 2007.

Why would you write? Like what prompted you to write? So mine was a little different. I think and it's very telling of just my mindset and especially back then. I always wrote like thinking like who's reading this and what what so I I never really let it out like genuinely like how yours I I'm so um you edited yourself yeah so much self-editing which is really interesting and it's it's interesting in its own way um the self-reflection of that but it I'm very impressed by how just open you both would be

in journals i think that's really cool that you could really just let it all pour out because when i write it's very clear that i am trying to sound a certain way and then i'm thinking about like if someone found this journal 100 years from now what are they going to think of me and i'm like why does that matter so much to me i I'll be dead. That's so interesting. Because the best journals that are found years later are the ones where people are so raw. Oh my god, you brought one too? Yes.

Jane! So this is the journal that I've been writing in since 2007 that I still write in sometimes. Since 2007? Jane, I can't believe this. Since 2007. OK. So I put a couple of marks because most of them are, I can't believe this. Since 2007. Okay. So I put a couple marks because most of them are...

I didn't read through a ton of it and a lot of it's too recent to work for this. Yeah. Because I wrote in it last night. But sometimes I skip years. I go years without writing in it. But I kind of like it because you'll be... I look back at the

beginning and I'm a teenager and then you skip to suddenly like I'm 25 and suddenly I'm 28. Oh my God. But you can definitely see, so I've talked about how I wasn't this.

I was just kind of a, in my mind, I was just kind of whatever. As a teenager, I was trying so hard to just fit in and be liked that I didn't really have like a strong personality type.

But they're absolutely deep down. You can tell that the chosen is very much part of who I am. Just in the way I would write and the way I was trying to sound. I was trying to sound so smart and so like, yeah, it's crazy how the world works. So I took a couple here. Oh, my God. So crazy. This is amazing.

I know. Did I see a title called LA Friends? Yeah, yeah. I would just try to be like, oh, let me just write about all the friends that I have. You're not going to be wicked. Mine are similar to yours where it's like I would label something as like anger, you know, and I would write about that. Oh, cool. I was trying to have this be more about like, man, if some great, great grandkids someday find this journal, they'll know like my lessons on things. And I read back on them like, what the fuck lesson am I trying to teach here?

I'm just trying to sound cool. So funny. So this one's called Love and Hate. Whoa. I can't. As I was reading them last night, I can't help but kind of go into a chosen voice sometimes because that's what it sounds like. Oh my God, do you need that for yourself for this?

Please do it. I'll start off that way. I often wonder why. What's the date? There's no date on this. But this is 2007. Okay. Who doesn't date their journal?

I would date the journals if I was writing a journal entry. Okay, love and hate. Love and hate. I often wonder why some people try so hard to hurt others, to become so hated. People just label them as evil and that's it. But there is a reason for everything, and I think I understand why this is. Love and hate are both very similar in the fact that they are both a form of care. When you hate somebody, they matter to you.

They are an important factor in your life, regardless if it's a negative or positive one. What people are trying to avoid is complete worthlessness. So in reality, someone who tries to get people to hate them is almost the same need as someone who tries to get people to love them. Both of them are forms of attention. The sad thing is, is that often people who are kind or try to treat others with respect are the ones who don't matter to many people, and those that hurt others are important to many. The truth, though, is that those who hurt are the cheap cowards who get attention the easy way, but hate will never be as gratifying as love. Unfortunately, love is a long and challenging process,

and it takes a lot of work and sacrifice, but love lasts forever and is hundreds of times more powerful than hate will ever be. Wow! How old were you? Okay. 17 or 18. Oh.

Me, by myself, trying to be like, okay, so I'm gonna write. 17 or 18 is like the kind of like the side swipe hair where it's like love and hate. Absolutely. That's what like the mid later teens is when like philosophy hits you in the brain really hard. And that was definitely what I was going for with my journals. I wanted I wanted to be so deep. I wanted to be so deep when I was a teenager. I was trying so hard.

And I look back and I'm like, dude, just relax a little bit. You're allowed to think about this stuff. It's still deep when you're like, this fucking piece of shit. Like, I want to shake you. There's a subreddit called I'm 14 and this is deep. And it's absolutely me when I was a teenager in a certain way. Yeah. I need to read that.

I was trying so hard to just be like, frick, I'm thinking about things no one else is thinking about. It's like, everyone's thinking about that. Oh, my God. I felt the total opposite. I felt like I was like, I'm Oh my God. I felt the total opposite. I felt like I was like, I am way too deep. Like I feel it all.

How do I be normal? And it was impossible. Yeah. I have an entry called Love and Hate. I have another one called Eternity and Infinity. And then I have another one that I marked to read just called The Purpose to Life. Whoa. The Purpose to Life.

You didn't want to say the meaning of life because you felt that was too simple. The Purpose to Life. You didn't want to say the meaning of life because you felt that was too simple. The purpose to life. You are literally the chosen. You're the chosen. People rarely give it much thought, which is both funny and sad. But what would you consider the purpose and meaning to life? Please stop.

Nobody ever thinks about this. Oh, my God. It's a question that nobody can answer, but often think they can. They live their whole lives chasing things without understanding why. They may accomplish great things, but still never understand their motivation for everything. Although I don't even know what it is, if there is a purpose at all, I can still guess. I believe it is for happiness, for love and friendship, and for learning. If you notice, you probably do everything for the sake of happiness.

You go to school so you can get a good job, so you can make a lot of money, and buy nice things so you can be happy. Turning into Owen Wilson a little bit. The other is lessons. You know, man. The other is lessons. Every day, every experience, and every tragedy is a lesson. We are here to gain wisdom, to learn about every aspect of life, and we'll continue to do so for as long as we exist. What is the point of learning in life? I still cannot think of why. Probably some sort of enlightenment,

something you can only understand once you've figured it out. In the end, I believe we chase our own purpose. We choose our... Sorry. In the end, I believe we chase our own purpose. We choose our... Sorry. In the end, I believe we choose our own purpose. We can choose to live for greed and hate or love and joy. We can choose to kill and wage war or give and help others. While we live in this world we know so little about. Okay. This kid was thinking about the Roman Empire every day.

I was thinking about the Roman Empire so much. I was thinking about the Roman Empire so much. We just talked about this on the podcast, about the fucking Roman Empire. And the women equivalent, do you know the women equivalent of the Roman Empire? Princess Diana. Princess Diana, oh my God. The Titanic.

Oh, the Titanic 100% for me. The Salem Witch Trials. Those are our Roman Empires. I'm literally reading about the Salem Witch Trials right now. I'd be thinking about witches burning all the time. What I said is, for men, it's the Roman Empire. For women, it's Greek mythology. Yeah, he said that, and I was like, that's pretty fucking legit.

But it's also witches. It's mostly witches, I think. I feel like it makes sense. The reason why men think about it a lot so much is because it was a big part of history. I agree. I think I've thought about it from time to time. But. But. It's very stereotypical, this is what a man was

in that time. And that was the ultimate power and man and men. Where it's the Salem witch trials, it's like, we're just trying to live. We're just trying to have big boobs power and man and men. Whereas the Salem Witch Trials is like, we're just trying to live. We're just trying to have big boobs and sneak out. I'm just trying to knit and make some tea. And we're trying to kiss you

and not have you kiss like a horse, dude. That's amazing. Stop drowning us. Okay, now I have some different ones. I think these are from 2009. I think this jumps. 2009. So I'm like 19 or 19 by the

way when you were i think around the same time you were writing that i was i like had my little macbook and i was like i think i was trying to google the meaning of life all the time oh i every teenager's thing about the meaning of life and i'm sitting here like nobody thinks about this it's like no because i don't have friends we have so much self-importance when we're doing journals. We're like, how dare the world hate on my developed body? Absolutely no one understands me. Okay, so this is just called Favorites. And this is awesome.

When I found this, I was like, hell yeah. So this is just a list of all my favorite things when I'm 19. Wow. I have a good follow-up for that. Favorite actor. What do you want to guess? This is 2009. Why don't you just guess? Favorite actor? 2009? Or I could just read.

No, I want to guess Heath Ledger. It's not Heath Ledger. It's a good guess. Around that time, though? 2009? This is from 2009. This is a big actor in 2009. Think more, I want to be... Brad Pitt? No, think more, I want to be an actor.

Oh, okay. I want to do good acting. Anthony Hopkins? No, but you're more in line. It's Daniel Day-Lewis. Oh my God. Favorite actor, Daniel Day-Lewis from There Will Be Blood. Yes.

Favorite actress? Dame Judi Dench. No, good guess. Also good guess. I'd say that category. You're in the right category. Was it Reese Witherspoon? I'm just kidding.

Cate Blanchett? Yep. Oh. It was Cate Blanchett. Oh, yeah. You, yeah. Favorite movie? It's two movies.

Catch Me If You Can and Forrest Gump. Wow. Of course. Favorite comedian. This is too hard. This is very much of that time. No. Dane Cook?

No. Good guess because this was. Dane Cook was hilarious during that time. But do you remember Demetri Martin? Of course. Yes. I loved Demetri Martin. And during this era, he was huge.

I saw him live. He was so funny. Favorite comedy movie, Dumb and Dumber. Favorite band? Do you want to guess what my favorite teenage band was? ACDC? I'm trying to think of teenage bands back in the day. This was not, they weren't big at this time.

They were already done. Beatles? No. Tell me what your brothers liked. That is the way to think. It was Sublime. Sublime! Sublime!

I loved Sublime. Sublime is great. I was so, so into it. Favorite music genre, alternative comma rock. Probably could have taken away that comma, Shane. That's how iTunes did it. iTunes put it like that. It's 2009.

What is my favorite TV show? Family Guy? No. Favorite drama. Favorite drama. Okay, it's 2009. What is my favorite TV show? Family Guy? No. Favorite drama? Favorite drama? It's the year 2009. Who are?

The O.C. No, no, no. What is this Shane who's deep, who loves really mysterious stuff? What is my favorite TV show? Doctor Who. Buffy? No, it was Lost.

Yeah, that was the biggest thing at that time. Dream car, Dodge Challenger. Whoa. Vin Diesel. They came out with a new Dodge Challenger around that time, and I remember thinking it was awesome. Vin. The boys who had the Dodge Challenger. You were a Dodge Challenger teen?

Jeez Louise. Okay. Here's the last one. here's the last one. Here's the last one. I wrote Dreamgirls. Who do you think? I have three names. Celebrity Crushes?

Celebrity Crushes. Oh my God. If you can get one of them. If I can get one of them. Okay, okay, okay. 2009. Oh, Katie Holmes. Not Katie Holmes.

What's her name From Heroes It was not It was not Angelina Jolie Not Angelina Jolie It wasn't Hayden Panettiere It was not Hayden Panettiere Oh

Um No you want like You want like You like You like Honestly one of Two of these surprised me One of them I completely

Forgot about One of them makes sense But you really have to be In the mindset of that year and that time. I can't remember that year. Yeah, just do it. Okay. It's not Megan Fox. So the first one, this one's just such a like

whatever. Adriana Lima. Hot. I mean. Orlando, Victoria's Secret Angel. Yeah. Okay. She was married to Orlando Bloom and then not. How did you see her? I guess there was internet. I was a teenager. That was Victoria. She was a big Victoria's Secret Angel. Yeah. Okay. She was married to Orlando Bloom and then not. How did you see her? I guess there was internet. I was a teenager. That was Victoria.

She was a big Victoria's Secret Angel, right? Yes. She was like the one. Brown. Yeah. Alicia Cuthbert.

Who the fuck is that? Yeah, everyone in this room is like, oh, right. Who is that? The Girl Next Door,

that movie, and then also she was in Happy Endings. Blonde. Love Actually. Oh, she is in Love Actually. She was, I mean, at that time. She was very hot.

She was. Even I watched Girl Next Door and I was like, hot. Everyone was like, yeah. So those two were like obvious for that era. This last one, though, I was like, damn, this was niche. This was, do you remember Kamiya Bell? Of course. Yeah.

Wait a second. Kamiya Bell was a child actor in one of my favorite movies, Practical Magic. Okay. Am I thinking of Kamiya Bell? I don't know. She has olive skin, dark hair. Yeah. Yeah, she played the little girl in Practical Magic.

Oh. Yeah, she was. She kind of, I think she doesn't, I haven't seen her in like forever. Camille Bell, what could she have been in? I don't know. At that time, I must have seen something that I just. She was. She was.

Yes, she was. Oh, she was in the second one, yeah. Wait, she was. Oh, God, god wait am I not thinking of the right person I don't know but I had to google her yes I am thinking of the right person I had to google her I had to google her because I was like wait I don't remember she has not been in much

that's definitely like thank you I pictured you liking girls with like darker hair and darker features I mean this is all because Alicia Cuthbert Alicia Cuthbert was blonde I pictured you liking girls with darker hair and darker features. I mean, this is all because Alicia Cuthbert was blonde. Blonde, light eyes, and she looks like. Oh, my crushes were all over the place.

Hello. Yeah, yours are truly all over the place. Ashton Kutcher, Leonardo DiCaprio, though. That makes sense. I'll never forget. That's your Alicia Cuthbert. He was my number one. He he was leo diaries that dude was at that time he was leo okay to follow up on that i have a don't list okay don't be a poser don't that's talk about 2003 holy shit don't be someone you're not with a you are you're not don't be hypocritical

did not spell that right don't expect anyone don't be this way okay don't change don't always follow me okay what and then i wrote followers and then i put an X through it. What? And that was before Twitter or Instagram existed. Here's my. 10.34 p.m. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is Sunday, 10.34 p.m. And then this is love. Completely connecting.

Eating greasy foods to un-upset yourself. Coming together as one. Always caring. Let out creative emotions. In drip splat dots on the wall. What? Love being true to the others. Expecting the unexpected.

Never saying never. Justin Bieber. I know. Love every blink of an eye. Love music. Dot dot dot dot dot life. Love music dot dot dot dot dot life dot dot dot dot dot you.

Whoa. Guys. And there's hearts and I had to follow up with your favorites because I have a don't and a love. I love it. I like to start every journal with like okay here's me. Here's all the stuff I like.

Here's what I look like. Like my first journal, I was like, I am just starting to get my pubic hair. Like very, very like this was a lab report on myself. Oh, that's so interesting. Like I am an eight cup bra. Like that was like I'd have my stats like to start my journal off. So I like knew where I was in my life. I love that.

Everyone's journal is so fucking different. But also very much the same except for yours. You freak, Shane. Well, how many? I don't think many guys have journals, too. I think that's kind of you because you created Chosen and Chosen is. Chosen is very. Not many dudes have journals.

I know and they should. They really. I feel like. Yeah. I'm grateful for it to look. It is cringy to read. I know, and they should. I feel like, yeah. I'm grateful for it. It is cringy to read. It's tough to read sometimes. Because you're like, damn. But then it's also, what's nice is you realize how much you've changed over time.

Oh, wow, I've learned so much. But I also haven't changed. I'm like, I could slap you all the hate. I remember an entry from my first journal where I started, where I'm 15. And there's not a ton of, it's a smaller journal, so there's not many pages. But one of them I'm talking about, it's one of my birthdays. And I'm talking about this birthday that in my memory, I'm like, that was great. Even as I'm writing it, like, as I'm reading it, I'm like, this was a great birthday.

But I'm like, yeah, it wasn't that much. It wasn't that big of a deal. And I'm like, damn, it wasn't that much. It wasn't that big of a deal. And I'm like, damn, you suck, loser. I feel like you're probably trying to be humble or something. I just also just didn't have perspective on things yet. Just straight up. So if there was one word to describe all of us as 14-year-olds, and I guess maybe 18-year-olds, since that's where your journal kind of was.

Yeah, that one is, yeah. What would the one word be? Me at 14? I think me at 14, truly, the problem was that I was trying too hard. I think I was actually, I think lost maybe might be the right word, because I didn't know who I was. That's why you loved that show. I loved Lost.

I related to it. Lost. I'm sorry I called 14-year-old you a freak. I was. In a certain way. I was a freak. You wouldn't be able to tell. I was a freak in a cool... I was commercial ready. I was so lost. I think at 14 I at least wasn't a joint custody kid anymore. So I at least wasn't a joint custody kid anymore

So I at least had all my Most of my shit together physically But emotionally no I'm trying to think I would say Just from what you were talking about with your journals I would say Aware

Not aware or like I would feel like maybe hurt hurt because i was going through so much pain middle school was tough because i was bullied so hard by the people who were supposed to be my friends i would say vulnerable i think you were very vulnerable you were very open vulnerable in ways like that you couldn't even help. Whereas, see, mine is so guarded and so. Guarded. Guarded. I was, mine was, I am presenting to you only what I approve of in my head first.

Even if it's in a private journal. I think that's guarded. Oh, super guarded. Guarded. Vulnerable. Maybe mine's fire. Yeah. Yours offense.

Mine's fight to the death yours combat emotional combat don't fire follow me followers which is followers which is funny because another journal entry it's like I feel like I'm a follower and I need to fucking stop because it's wicked I'm such a I'm such a poser want to be a leader God a follower the last thing I want to say is i just really want to bring back the word poser

i miss that word don't be a poser poser was so funny poser was such a it was devastating if you had poser thrown at you yeah devastating i think it'd be good to use if it's like you're don't be a poser be yourself yeah exactly well that's what I tried to do. And myself was like, why can't you see the beauty? Why can't you see my face? Why can't you see the beauty, all the injustice in the world? I'll fight you. I want to bring Wicked back, too.

All right, we'll bring Wicked Poser. Okay, Wicked Poser. Great. Courtney, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you so much for having me on an episode where you both are very vulnerable. Thanks for reading some of my journals.

I loved it. It felt good for me when other people read mine. Yeah. And I would love if you can bring more of these entries and we can maybe do a Smosh Pit Theater. We should do it. I would love to. Sound off in the comments. Yeah, sound off in the it. I would love to. Sound off in the comments.

Yeah, sound off in the comments. I would love to pit theater this so bad. Make it happen for us. Sweet. Don't be a poser. Don't be a wicked poser, kid. Alright. Alright. Well, bye. Yeah. Goodbye. Who are you as a 14-year-old?

Goodbye. Okay. Bye. Let us know how many journals you have in the comments Bye Bye Wow