Smosh Mouth - #22 - The Greatest Unsolved Mysteries w/ The Chosen and Sarah Christ

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

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If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome to a very special guest episode of Smosh Mouth. I am the Chosen. I'm Sarah Christ, ex-detective. And today, we're going to be covering some of life's greatest mysteries. Once unsolved, but after this episode, there will be no more mystery left because both

of us are expert detectives. We're expert detectives, but hear me out. You're never going to get closure because those families never get closure. Alright? They never get closure, so I hate using that word. Correct. Hello, Chosen.

Hello, Sarah Christ. People have never seen us on camera together, but what they don't realize is you and I have some sort of history with fighting justice. That's right. Or fighting for justice, I guess you could say. Both. Yeah.

Yeah, I found his website on the dark web, and I contacted him through mail. That's right. I hold a, let's just say, an illegal RuneScape server, where you can kind of do whatever you want, you know, within reason, obviously. Yeah. I felt like I was in the Matrix trying to contact him, like, are you the one? So I sent him a little note, and I said, hey, buddy, I need you to decode something for me. And he was on my ass.

That's right. Decoding, that's my specialty. And what you sent me over was a freaking hellscape. But I managed to decode it, and it turned out it was just spam. Yeah, I needed to get these spam callers off my back, so I needed that first. But it did lead to, let's say, some sort of partnership in some ways. And we started to handle mysteries together. Yeah, we handled mysteries together, but don't get it twisted.

I work alone. Same. Well, great. Yeah, usually when we go to a site, we both drive in separate cars. He keeps asking to come into my SUV, and I said, buddy, it's packed. Yeah. With trash and papers. Jack in the Box is basically my fucking best friend right now.

And people know that I'm much more of a Taco Bell guy, so. Yeah, don't fuck with that. That gives me the shits. All right, so... Sir Christ, why don't you give people a little bit more of your backstory? Why are you an ex-detective? Well, my boss took my badge after I ran into a Sephora to try to arrest a man, and I had guns a-blazing, and I guess you're not allowed to do that without a warrant.

So my partner died on the scene and I was completely stripped of my honor and my badge and my courage and my gun. So I'm out here, I'm going solo solo Luckily my boss still keeps tabs on me On my phone right here It's a flip phone Because I don't need anything other than that You too put your trust in ancient devices

I too trust only ancient devices Can anyone call you on that thing? It's a Game Boy No it's a Game Boy. No, it's a Game Boy Advance. So how do people reach you? Well, they can reach me on my phone, but... So you have a phone and a Game Boy? Yes, I also have a phone, but...

But I use this Game Boy Advance for meditation. I don't... I mean, I do have a Nintendo Switch as well, but... The Game Boy Advance is clearly superior to any console device that is around nowadays. I've never played a game in my life. I've only played the game of luck, finding murderers. But you should have me over sometime.

Maybe I could jump on that Game Boy a couple times. Okay. If it's okay with your mom. I assume you still love your mom. I don't need my mom's permission. You can play my Game Boy Advance. I also have the SP. I have the 3DS.

Sounds like you're speaking another language, buddy. It kind of is another language. Wow. Language of Nintendo. Well, I have the language of murder. And anyways, my lifelong goal is to find the Creekside Killer. We've all known this. It's the case that keeps me up at night.

It's the case that caused my divorce. It's the case that sends me to a place I can't even escape from. I fell asleep the other night smoking a cigarette. Burned a hole in my favorite blanket. My mom knitted it for me. God rest her fucking soul. She was a nightmare. So you're like, you live with your mama. Yes.

But she does not. Well, she does. She did make. She got me a blanket once. And I have that still. You still sleep with your blankie? It's not a blankie. It's just like a full blanket. But she does not, well, she does, she did make, she got me a blanket once, and I have that still. You still sleep with your blankie? It's not a blankie, it's just like a full blanket.

Like a, like a, yeah, I mean, yeah, anyways. Yeah. When I heard that you were after the Creekside Killer, it piqued my interest, because as the Chosen, I am seeking anyone who serves the darkness. And it sounds like the Creekside Killer did. Oh yeah, the Creekside Killer served the darkness, and so did I. I sold my soul to the devil to survive, to find him, because our work is in the dark and in the shadows, never in the light. That's true.

We work primarily at night, which is very tough. It's really hard to see anything, to be honest. I can't. Yeah, it's especially hard for me because I have to keep my sunglasses on. Yeah, I've asked you repeatedly so I could see your eyes because I really can't tell where you're looking, and I swear to God, if you're staring at my badge, you can't have it. I'm not looking at your badge. Okay. I seek no form of identification.

I live off-grid. But you live at your mom's house. I don't... I mean, not sometimes. Okay, well, you do live at your mom's house. It's not... Well, I drop... I sometimes drop you off there at night,

so I actually know that you live at your mom's house. Yeah, I'm staying there sometimes just to make sure she's safe in case any evil beings are after her. The Chosen, I've told you this a million times. I've set up 60 cameras around the perimeter. Your mom is safe and I'm watching her. Okay. Not at night. Yes, but

some things can't be seen by cameras. See, Sarah Christ, I deal in things that you can never fathom. Yeah. Beyond human understanding. And this is where we come up against a wall that shows an eye. Because we're trying to see eye to eye, but I deal in facts. I deal in fingerprints.

I deal in forensic evidence. He deals in mysteries. I deal with ghosts, with demons, with werewolves, vampires, with the things that live beneath the ground, with things that only show their face in the moonlight and things that only exist and things that only exist exist in cyberspace there are some demons that truly live within the realms of of technology and they cannot be seen by technology because they live within it but yes yes, you're asking about my shirt.

Well, it's also because it's... I do not need to quarry myself with spending money... with fruitlessly spending money on clothing. I need only a shirt. It is enough armor for me. It allows me to be swift. It allows me to be swift. It allows me to be quick.

And it's dark, which means I can hide in darkness at night when I'm fighting crime. Well, when you're fighting crime, well, you and I are both alike in that. But have you ever run a mile to run after a man who's stolen a purse off a sweet, sweet lady. I absolutely have done that. Many times. I respect you, Chosen. I respect you, Sarah Christ, in many ways. Even though you operate in a much different way than I do.

Yeah, I do. See, I like to think of myself more as Batman, whereas you are more like the Punisher. Okay. The Punisher lost his entire family and is an alcoholic. You're right. You're right. See, your understanding of comics is impressive.

Yeah, I have a daughter. She doesn't talk to me, though, but Molly's a sweet kid. She lives right next to her store. I jump in their pool once in a while just to get you know, use up the amenities because my ex-husband won't give me any cash to buy my own pool. Sorry to hear that.

Yeah, pool's a big thing for me. I like to jump in the pool and then get my clothes on and head in the car and head out. No point in showering when you jump in a pool. That's, yeah, I can see that logic. So, I'm really glad that we teamed up because I need your help. And I'm here for you, Sarah Christ. I need to find the Creekside Killer

and I need to solve life's mysteries. Sarah Christ, what made you so determined to find the Creekside Killer? How long have you been searching after him? Since I became a detective. Really? So, 45 years. Wow.

In my head. In my head. 45 years in my head. You're like me. You keep your age a secret so nobody can see your next move. That's right. Well, I'm really young. I'm actually really, really young.

But deep inside, I'm like 150 years old. I bet you understand that. Yeah, no. Within me exists an ancient being, an ancient, ancient purpose. So in many ways, I am beyond time itself, which is excruciating. Sounds like some interstellar shit. I fucking hated that movie. I don't understand it. Who was the criminal in that? Well, the criminal was time itself just like many of Christopher Nolan's movies.

You can't arrest time. You can't put cuffs on time. You don't know that. Yes, I literally do. Trust me, I have tried. No, unless we find a way to create a time machine. That was, that's basically the thesis of H.G. Wells' classic novel. Christ, a time machine sounds like a waste of cash.

No, it's not. It would solve, well, I guess it would create as many problems as it would solve, because it would create paradoxes. Anyways, the Creekside Killer. Creekside Killer. He's in the Pacific Northwest Around the trees I'm sure that he's got a little friend of Fox's

Probably helping him out, giving him clues and tips I heard last that he has a beard And I actually have a picture of him You do? Oh yeah Could we see? Yeah, well I used to show this picture around when he looked like a little baby, but he's not a baby anymore.

He's a grown-ass man. Was he killing people when he was a baby? No. He was probably. Probably. He was probably killing people in the other time limit. Lame. Limit.

You get it. So he was killing people when he was 18 years old. He has been killing women with their hair down. For centuries. For centuries. Don't walk on the docks at night. I swear to God you're going to get snatched up. So he's changed.

It's been about 30 years he's been out there. Wow. And I've been chasing him. And I will not rest until I find him. So you can forget those pictures that I showed you earlier way back in the day. He has changed. This is the Greek side killer now. Interesting.

He looks like a kind of looks like Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. Well, that's his hair. The guy who usually draws up the pictures was out sick, so I whipped this up from what I figured he probably looks like in the Pacific Northwest. That's his hair. He probably wears a hat, but probably not.

He's probably trying to cover up a bald spot. He's got thin eyebrows, a big nose, very large, kind of like yours chosen. And he doesn't smile. It's a slit. His mouth is a slit. Sarah Christ, I have some information that might be useful for you. Shut your mouth.

What? I was recently at a Magic the Gathering convention, and I saw- That sounds illegal. Pretty much. It should be. And I saw so many people who looked just like that wait really yeah pretty much everyone there perhaps did they have a did they have a braid in there because some of them some of them did does does the creekside killer shower definitely not then i definitely ran into him at the Magic the Gathering convention.

Wait a second. Wait a second. The Magic the Gathering. Yes. Sounds like an illegal underground cult. Pretty much. See, people think Magic the Gathering is merely a card game, but no. It is a connection to another world. Every card is a portal.

What? To a realm of battle. It transports us to something different. It's something we've promised never to talk about, but I fear that if there are evil beings at Magic the Gathering conventions, You gotta speak up. then we need to do something about it.

That's the biggest tip I've ever gotten about the Creekside Killer. So we think the Creekside Killer is at an underground Magic the Gathering cult. It's possible. Was this guy's, it was anyone over the age of 60. Possibly 40. Possibly.

To 70. Yeah, there was definitely some there. 200 to 500 pounds. Yeah, definitely. Thick. Yeah. But short. Yes. Big feet. Yes. Little hands. Yeah. Yeah. Acne on one but short big feet little hands acne on one side of the face possibly

Sarah Christ I have to ask how have you gotten so close to this man without capturing him I have to say I'm slightly disappointed in you shut the fuck up you shut the fuck up right now I tell myself that everyday my journal is literally called

the Journal of Disappointment. So thanks for writing another page in my book. Listen, I can't reveal my sources, but I know for a fact that this man is tall and short at the same time. I swear to God, it sounds weird. It depends on the angle that you get. When he's far away, he's short. When he's close

up, he's tall. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I've seen that before. Like a mirage. He is exactly like a mirage. I feel like I'm in the desert riding a camel searching for water, and yet it's not there. We are truly Don Quixote.

Don Quixote. Don Quixote. Yep. Yeah. Sounds like one of your mysteries. I don't read those kind of books. It's more of a comedy, but yes. Oh, well, I don't like comedy. It makes me sad.

Yeah. So, you've seen this man. See, here's the thing. He escapes me at every turn, which makes me think he's gone underground. Methinks he's in a cult. Perhaps he could be part of what many describe as the Albuquerque Hum, or what many people think are CIA tunnels underneath Denver International Airport, but it's probably something more sinister. You you know about the CIA tunnels under the Denver Airport?

Of course. My family was flying through there once, and I went to go to the bathroom, but I got lost, and I passed by the subway, and then I found this strange doorway, and my curiosity was piqued. They don't enter? Yeah, but every chosen knows that when you see a door that says do not enter, you have to check it out. Absolutely. That's part of our duty. So I went in there, and what I found was tunnel after tunnel, just concrete everywhere.

I definitely, and at one point I went down some stairs, which meant I was underground. What I saw was just endless tunnels. It was like the back rooms, but worse. Oh, the back rooms are a nightmare. Yeah, you've ended up there before? Oh, I've been in the back rooms many a times. Yeah. I've been in the back rooms at dive bars.

I've been in the back rooms at airports, malls. Have you been in a back room in a mall? Yeah. No, I was trying to find my way through a Zoomies and ended up there. Oh, God, Zoomies, what a nightmare. You've been inside of a Zoomies? Why would you go through a Zoomies and ended up there. Oh, God, Zoomies. What a nightmare. You've been inside of a Zoomies? Why would you go inside a Zoomies?

Well, a Zoomies, because my boss told me to go in there and serve a warrant. That's when I... For some skater punk? Yep, exactly. I've also been in a Spencer's Gifts, but that was just to buy my shithole mom A present

She's uh She was not a nice lady May she rest in peace Oh no she's alive She still lives in a cabin In the Pacific Northwest I put her out there so she can keep an eye out For the Creekside Killer

She barely keeps her eye out I get no tips from her. Nothing. Do you ever go and stay the night there? I've stayed the night there. Yeah, see? Exactly. So I'm not weird.

When I sleep at my parents' house, it's not crazy. You live at your parents' house. I have my own place. I have a small apartment next to my ex-husband so I can keep watch on him. I have safe houses all over the city. Do you have one in the Pacific Northwest?

Of course I do. I have safe houses all over the planet. Well, I gotta put my source in there. No, you... I cannot reveal the location, Sarah Christ. As much as I trust you, I still have a level of distrust, which you must understand. Listen, you and me should go on a trip. We'll gain a lot of trust there. Alright, fine. Where should we go?

Let's see. Bahamas? Aruba? That's too near the Bermuda Triangle. Chosen's know to stay away from there. A vortex will suck us up immediately. That's how the Chosen Multiverse happens every year. Wait a second. What if the

Creekside Killer has jumped in one of your vortexes? That's entirely possible. You talking about him shapeshifting is often a side effect. Oh, he's a shapeshifter. He could be a size 10 foot or a size 5. I don't know because I haven't gotten my hands on his feet yet. But when I do, trust me, before I arrest him, I'm going to measure those bad boys because I haven't gotten my hands on his feet yet. But when I do, trust me, before I arrest him, I'm going to measure those bad boys because I've seen prints everywhere in the Pacific Northwest. There's so many prints around. Wow.

Yeah, on the snow, the grass. Some look like animal prints, but I swear to God it's him. Maybe he's a werewolf. I've dealt with werewolves before. My buddy Eric's uncle was apparently a werewolf. I've dealt with werewolves before. My buddy Eric's uncle was apparently a werewolf. We watched him on the last full moon, and although he didn't fully change, he just got really weird.

Oh, yeah? I know guys like that. Yeah, just kind of... It's either that he was a werewolf or he just had really bad gas, but either way, it was very strange. Probably ate something pretty shitty. I don't know.

He did have a lot of Carl's Jr. earlier that day. But I don't know. He eats Carl's Jr. all the time. So I'm not really sure why that night had a strange effect. Carl's Jr., never leave that in your SUV overnight. It smells like baby vomit. It's disgusting. Yeah, I had a rough run in with Carl's Jr.

So your uncle's a werewolf, eh? My buddy Eric's uncle. Yeah. Whatever. I still believe he's a werewolf. But I have also seen, I've definitely dealt with werewolves before. It's messy business. Is it possible that werewolves are also vampires?

You're talking about someone who's... That's a beast that does exist. Mainly in Legends, but I do believe they are lurking among us. What makes them scary is their werewolf blood allows them to walk around during the day. And their vampire blood allows them to remain somewhat conscious when they change during a full moon. It makes them extra powerful. They're a werewolf that can fly.

Do you know of any? Do you have any? Of course I know about them. Give me a name. No, I cannot. I've got some sources. This is chosen business. Chosen?

If we're going to work together, we We have to You know, give each other The goods We can work together, Sarah Christ But you have your cases that are yours And I have mine that are mine I deal with the supernatural You deal with people who are Devilish, awful

Absolute nightmares The worst of humans that exist I deal with that that is beyond human Can I smoke in here? I mean, I'm sure I guess so The worst of humans that exist. I deal with that that is beyond human. Can I smoke in here? I mean, sure, I guess so. No, probably not. Okay, well, this is a fun podcast.

Yeah. Thank God it's 2 a.m., otherwise I wouldn't be here. Yeah. Anyways, we can cover some other of the world's greatest mysteries and discuss them. I have some here that I've been studying for some time. Yeah, test me because you know what? I could probably help you out. I've got a lot of experience in crimes, but I also dabble in some mystery.

All right. Why is my mom such a psychopath? That's the biggest mystery to me. I mean, I don't know. She screams all night long. Help me out of the bed! And I'm like, Mom, just please go to bed. When was the last time you checked on her? Six months.

She's fine. How close is her cabin to like the nearest urgent care? It's not. It's alright. I know a buddy who owns a helicopter. I'll send him in there. It's not. Oh. It's all right. I know a buddy who owns a helicopter. I'll send him in there. That's freaking sick.

Drop down. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. I own a drone, too. That's... Dude, I freaking wish I had a drone. I would get so many... I would have it, like, circle around me

while I do sword tricks. It'd be badass. So you can watch it later? Yeah. That's sick. And make sure that my form is correct. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, correct.

Mm-hmm. You want to borrow mine? Do you have a sword? Absolutely not. Oh, you mean your drone. Yeah, I... I don't know. It's...

Sure. Yeah, I have a drone, but you got to delete some of the videos on there. Okay. It's just the back of my ex-husband's house. He's swimming in the pool constantly. Fucking nightmare. He won't even let me in there.

I have one hour to use it a month. How did you guys end up living right next to each other? I moved in next to him. Oh. The court said I had to be close, so I'm close. Oh. Plus we share a daughter, Molly.

It's an interesting court order. Yeah. Not that I care much for how America leads its justice system, but. Trust me, the longer you live with your parents, they're going to have a court order on you, I guarantee it. And when that comes to time, let me know. I got a good lawyer. His name is Buddy Frank. He doesn't answer his phone, but you can find him. I'll find him.

I don't much trust lawyers. I prefer to keep the law in my own hands. If I ever ended up in court, I would definitely represent myself. Oh, that's a fucking mistake, but I like your bravery. Anyways. Anyways. You speak of the Creekside Killer being

hundreds of years old, which makes this first mystery probably very topical. Jack the Ripper. Oh, yep. His identity was never discovered, despite the fact that he murdered many people. Oh, yeah. But he murdered with such a precision that people think that he might have been royalty or a doctor of some sorts. I've heard this.

He's one of the Kingsmen. He's one of the Kingsmen? Kingsmen. Oh, you mean the movie and the comic series? Exactly. You know that movie that was based on Jack the Ripper? Interesting. Wow. Yep. So that's all real. It's all real. The Kingsmen

is all real. They have that cute little shop with all their little outfits and their suits. Jack the Ripper. I was testing you. See, I knew it was real because the Kingsmen tried to recruit me at one point. What? And you turned them down? I had to. I was already chosen. To be chosen and a Kingsman? That's simply too much on my plate.

And many of their ways conflict with the chosen ways. Particularly the way they dress. What are the chosen ways? If I had to describe it, it's a whole scroll. Give me top three. Okay, chosen ways. One, you cannot fap. I don't know what that fucking means.

It's a Reddit community that started after, many years after the Chosen's had declared this. Fap. Yes. Fart, ass, puss? Sorry, I have a young kid. I have a sick mind. No, I don't want to go into it. For those who know, they know.

Alright. I have to, like a Jedi, essentially, I have to abstain from what many would call the pleasures of life, but I find pleasure in my duty and focus. Well, I agree with you on that. So?

So I do not, I also, I refuse to ever have sex. Why? Because it would distract me from being chosen. What do you mean? It just boosts your energy up. No, it would not boost my energy. It would absolutely, I would, I would. You've never seen a stranger and been like, all right, we got five minutes, let's hop in the back and let's fucking get this done do not call me do not call me can't stand when they call me I only have one number in here and it's my boss oh also my kid but yeah she's under

restricted was that your question yes um. Sort of. Can't not believe you don't have sex. You've never had sex? Yeah, no. Because of my choice. I obviously could have if I wanted to. The chosen made a choice to not have sex? That's one of the choices that a chosen must choose. Why? And I chose that. Because I need

to stay focused on the blade. The blade? Yes. The blade. Because I need to stay focused on the blade. The blade? Yes. The blade. And the moon. Okay. And destiny. All right.

And also programming and coding. See, if I'd had sex, I would have never been able to decode the codes that you sent me. So it's just my duty. Look, I didn't make it this way. Okay? Who did? Who's your boss? The League of Chosen.

Wow. There is no boss. I mean, the boss is perhaps the universe itself. Perhaps out there, there is a nebula that is the consciousness that controls all the Chosen. Yeah. Well, there's also a fucking planet out there called Fuck Me, and that's what I follow, and it's fantastic. I don't know what's wrong with you, man.

But you also speak, Sarah Christ, of being disappointed, of struggling, of being conflicted. Oh, yeah, well, sex and love doesn't exist. Sex is just for energy. I just need sex to keep me going. And also, like, I see a guy, let's do it. But other than that, love does not exist. You know what exists?

The Creekside Killer. And he's out there, and he's probably switched locations as we speak. He's probably right near my mom's Pacific Northwest house and she probably doesn't even notice. Sarah Christ, you are a walking contradiction. I'm curious. What? If you so strongly believe love doesn't exist,

why did you ever get married? I don't know because it seemed like the next thing to do. It seemed like the next step. He asked and I said, all right, let's fucking get this done. See. And we got married and I was like, this is fine, let's have a baby.

And we got that done. It's a checklist, man. But I did it. Now it's done. And now I met you. I got that done. I'm getting things done. I'm successful.

I'm a proud, successful detective. Ex-detective. I'm successful. I'm a proud, successful detective. Ex-detective. Shut your mouth. I will not. Fine. Did you tell me the top three things of The Chosen? Well, I said one of them. Yeah.

The other one is to train day in and day out. I follow the training regimen of one of the greatest warriors of all time. His name is Saitama. Muhammad Ali. No. Okay. His name is Saitama, and he is known for being able to defeat any opponent with one punch. Sounds fake.

He's real. He's a real person. Do you have a picture of him? No, I do not. Oh, well then. But he has a- It's not real. This is what's real.

I could draw- He's a bald guy. Saitama? Sait's not real. This is what's real. I could draw... He's a bald guy. Saitama? Saitama, yes. Saitama. He has a training regimen that is extremely excruciating. A hundred push-ups, a hundred sit-ups, a hundred squats, and

a ten kilometer run every day. What? Yeah, I know. You do that every day? Every single day. Most people probably wouldn't be able to do it, but... I do that in my sleep basically. Yeah, I know. You do that every day? Every single day. Most people probably wouldn't be able to do it, but... I do that in my sleep, basically. Yeah, right. What's your training regimen? Wake up, light a cigarette, and immediately put it out because I quit.

Jump in the pool, put my hair up, get my jeans on, lace up my boots, get my badge, which is heavy, because it's filled with honor, get in my SUV, wipe off all the fucking ketchup that is just stained for life, I have no idea how to get it out, get in my car, put the key in the engine, and fucking ride, and save lives, so yeah, I'm exhausted, and fucking ride and save lives. So yeah, I'm exhausted. You know when I sleep? Never. I haven't slept in 15 years, and you know what?

It's fine. That's my workout. It's not fine, sir. I literally save lives. This woman the other day, she was walking really fast, and she almost got snatched up by this guy. So I tackled the dude, and I said, back up, motherfucker.

I will put you in jail. She said it was her husband or something. He got in a car accident, so he had to take his time to get up to her, but I don't believe that shit. She was covering for him. Anyways, they're both in jail. That's my workout.

Yeah, they're both in jail. I don't yeah they're both in jail that sounds i don't deal with the jail part i just put them in there i don't care what your excuse is most people are lying their ass off and husbands kill wives and wives kill husbands it's truly a that's my workout dark world out there perhaps your workout is simply the anguish of existing. Yeah, absolutely. But if I die, who's going to find the Creekside Killer and who's going to save these innocent human beings? Well, I sincerely hope it never happens,

but Sarah Christ, if you were to fall, I would find the Creekside Killer and avenge your death. Thank you. Yeah. But I'm never going to fall, I would find the Creekside Killer and avenge your death. Thank you. Yeah. But I'm never going to fall. I'm going to be alive forever. A part of me believes you are incapable of death. I am.

I feel that. I have been shot in my foot. It was a nightmare. Yeah. And I've been shot right here by my own gun because I accidentally shot it and it was pointing towards me and I didn't understand it. But now I'm good with my gun, even though it got taken away. I basically know the feeling. One time I was in a paintball match and I got shot in my crotch, but I wasn't wearing any protective gear there.

What? And I raised my hands and I said, all right, I'm out. And they kept shooting me. And I said, Bobby, I'm out! They kept shooting me. They wouldn't stop. They kept fucking around

because we weren't in an official paintball match. It was just we were out in the woods with our paintball guns. And one of them had it on freaking auto, which is a freaking cheap move. So I was getting hit with so many freaking paintballs in a row. And basically, if you get hit by like 50 paintballs in a row, it's basically like a real bullet. Wow. Yeah, the scientists have proven that.

Where does Bobby live? If I tell you that information, you're definitely going to kill him. Oh, well, arrest him first and then make it look like someone killed him in jail. That's how it's done. Look, Bobby may be a fucking douchebag, but he does not deserve death. There is still time for him yet to change. And as a Chosen, I must believe in mercy, which is one of the things, that's one of the creeds of the chosen. Which is why, Sarah Christ, despite the fact that we work together, you know this, that you are not chosen.

Your work, the way you work is too dark. It's too violent. It's not me that's violent. It's the world that's violent. So all I do is just work with what I've got. You operate as the world's reflection, making it see its own reality. Yeah, I'm a mirror, and I don't like what's on the other side. That's why I broke all my mirrors in my house.

Because I cannot walk by another mirror thinking I look good and I look 700 pounds. I am done with that shit. Me in a bathrobe? I'd rather be dead. You hear me? That solves one of the mysteries. I was curious why fate seems to be against you so often. And it's because you are racking up a tab of bad luck.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Breaking mirrors is bad luck is that right yes and also seeing a black cat too right that one's questionable oh I personally believe I think black cats are often messengers

not all of darkness is evil there is good that exists in the darkness like what like me oh was that it yeah yeah and batman probably your parents no my my mom um no my mom's a cashier at a joann's fabrics okay she's an angel dealing with those clients those people are night absolute nightmares i went in once to Joanne's because my mom forced me to get this old fake bird feeder that she wanted. They barely help you there.

And they asked me if I had any coupons. Anyways, they're fucking bitches there. Because they asked, all right. Yeah. They basically asked for my identification, which is psychotic. For coupons? Anyways, your mom sounds like a sweet angel. I'd love to meet her one day. She's whatever. She's annoying.

I can put a GPS on her car. You don't need to do that. She goes to Joanne's Fabrics. You don't know that. Your mom sounds like Sneaky. She's not sneaky at all. Okay, I'll put a GPS on her car and we'll find out. Good luck. Thank you. I will.

I've put, it's actually, that actually will not work because I have put a charm of protection on her car. So the location that the GPS will give off will probably be inaccurate. It'll be thrown off by the magnetism of the charm. Trust me, I can get through charms of protection. All right? You think that. I know it.

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. Amanda, do you have family members who aren't tech savvy? Oh, yeah. Like a lot of them. Yeah. Both my parents, not very tech savvy. I know my mom watches this show, so she's hearing me say it. She'll admit it.

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Oh, yeah. It's stressful. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of deadlines. And and here at Smosh we are making so much stuff. We are working extra hard and I get stressed out and what keeps me sane a lot of weeks is talking to my therapist. I talk to him for an hour every week and I need it. It's so important to have one. Honestly, I love talking to my therapist. I love getting things out on the table, venting, figuring things out with them. Yeah. And so if you're thinking about trying therapy, you can give BetterHelp a try.

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Yeah, of course you do. Why? What? You shut the door behind you because you want privacy. Is that right? Of course. Yeah, your online privacy is very because you want privacy. Is that right? Of course. Yeah, your online privacy is very important, especially your browsing history, right? Yeah, that's why I use ExpressVPN. You should too.

Okay, that was my line actually. Going on the internet without a VPN is like going to the bathroom without shutting the door. Your online privacy is so important. You know that these companies will sell your info to ads and tech giants? That sounds pretty bad. That's why ExpressVPN is great. It creates a secure,

encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet. That's crazy. Does it work on your phone? Yes, it works on your phone and your laptop and your router and anyone on your Wi-Fi is protected. That's pretty awesome. It is pretty awesome, Shane. And so all you need to do is go onto the ExpressVPN app, click the button and download it and you're done. It's super easy. Yeah, I mean, I did that. Yeah. So stop going to the bathroom with the door open. I don't. And protect your online privacy. I do. Okay. Well, great. Get an extra three months of ExpressVPN free at expressvpn.com slash smoshmouth. That's expressvpn.com slash smoshmouth for three extra months free.

Expressvpn.com slash smoshmouth. Sarah Christ, you have not dealt with the devils that I have. Tell me about it. Actual devils. One time my buddy Chris, he had unfortunately had a run-in with a Ouija board. You do not fuck with Ouija boards ever. You do not fuck with Ouija boards ever. Because if you do a Ouija board on burial ground, you are fucked for life.

Thank you. Yeah, I know that. They did it. At a cemetery, no less. And of course They should all be arrested, actually. Well, they had ancient constables coming after them. Well, I'll arrest the ancient constables as well.

You cannot arrest them. They're ethereal. Yeah, watch me. The handcuffs would go, unless you had perhaps silver handcuffs. I have an SUV. I'm fine. Watch me. I got new tires. Continue. Ghost tires?

Or what? Why? No. At America's Tire, I don't think they're ghost tires unless I can order those. Okay, well, good luck arresting a ghost. Okay. watch me. I put a GPS on worse. Look, I'm not taking you ghost hunting again.

We did that once, and you ended up freaking tackling a guy who was just outside of a nightclub. I thought he was a ghost killer. He was a bouncer, which was very impressive that you completely tackled him off his feet. Trust me, I can tackle a 500-pound man easy. He was knocked out cold. Yeah, he was. Poor guy.

His name was Steven, which I like that name. Sweetie. But you know what? He looked at me weird, and I was like, you're out of here. He asked for my ID, and I was like, get the fuck out of here. I'm taking you down. And you did. And I did, and I'd do it again.

Another mystery, if we can move on. Yes, sir. Another mystery, one of my favorites, is the mystery of D.B. Cooper. Have you ever heard of this? Oh, of course I've heard of this. Yeah. I've been of this. Yeah. I've been studying this one for a long time. Back in, I believe it was the 60s.

No, it's 1971. Very cold. It's a cold case. D.B. Cooper. He hijacked a plane. Yep. And ransomed everyone on that, on the plane. He held him hostage, essentially.

Even though he was known as being very suave and very calm and very, almost charming, they said. Yeah, those are the murderers that you got to look out for. He parked the plane, well, the crew did, and they gave him a bunch of money and a parachute. The plane took off again with the crew and him, and somewhere over Oregon, he parachuted out the back of the plane, which is why nowadays planes, they don't allow the back staircase to go down during flight

because of D.B. Cooper. Yeah. No. So somewhere over Oregon, he parachuted and his body was never recovered. So his identity and his whereabouts are still a mystery to this day. He could still be alive, rich as hell.

He's probably alive and rich. And you know who he's probably friends with? The Creekside Killer. It's very likely. I doubt this guy would know how to put on a parachute, but he probably could figure it out. He's got a lot of friends, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

A lot of friends. And he's got a lot of places that lot of friends, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. A lot of friends. And he's got a lot of places that he can hide, you know what I'm saying? And what makes you think this? Because I know it in my bones. Pacific Northwest is a tricky place. Yes. So D.B. Cooper probably hooked up with the Creekside Killer and they've probably been going

around ransacking that place. Yeah. Every time I'm on a plane, I try to probably been going around ransacking that place. Yeah. Every time I'm on a plane, I try to put myself in D.B. Cooper's shoes. I think, what mindset would he be in? How would he do this? Every time you're on a plane, you put yourself in D.B. Cooper's shoes. I think about it, metaphorically speaking. Wow.

And I usually go to the back bathroom, and I think, okay, if I were to jump out of here, what would my next move be? Never go in the back bathroom. I always go to the back bathroom. That's where people destroy it. Yes, but I use that to test my constitution. What? My constitution. You know, like my strength of handling bad tastes and smells and stuff like that. It's a Dungeons and Dragons term.

Okay, yeah, I don't know these dragons or these dungeons, but it sounds like a cult. It's not a cult, even though the satanic panic made it seem so during the 80s and 90s. Wow. Wow. Yeah. You have a lot of knowledge. I could use you. Ask me anything. I probably know the answer.

Where's D.B. Cooper? He's in... So he left. He wasn't going to stay in Oregon. They would think that he would do that. No. He would travel into the Mojave Desert. There, he would change his identity again.

He would get a long wig, grow out a long beard. Nobody travels through the Mojave Desert. Not many people think to look there. I have. But I have spent many years in the Mojave Desert. I've spent a couple months. Yeah? Yeah.

I fell off a camel during a trip of travel, and they never came back for me. Interesting. So I was out there for months. Camels in the Mojave Desert. Correct. It was a wild time. I got a Groupon.

It's my mom's idea. She is a nightmare, I swear to God. So yeah, I got a Groupon, and they just left me out there. Luckily, I had a bunch of granola bars, and I just took them all down on the first day. And you probably, like me, learned to be able to break cactuses in half and drink their supple water. Cactuses have water? They have water.

How did you survive? Oh my god, you do not want to know. I met a family. It was wild. I basically changed. Yeah, we won't talk about that anymore. I was a lover for me in Mojave Desert.

Would you like to move on to another mystery? Yes, sir. Because these mysteries, when you tell me about these mysteries, this is going to help my knowledge to find the Creekside Killer. Because I think we've decided that the Creekside Killer is a mysterious man. Absolutely.

And we all know that mysteries are only unsolved until they are solved. So the more we solve mysteries, the better we get at solving others. Yes, and once we solve them, they get solved. We must create hypertrophy in our own brains. Take that back. Roll the credits. What? Hypertrophy in our own brains.

God, you're like a dictionary of mystery. That's right. Did you make that word up? Hypertrophy? Yeah. Perhaps. Here, let me look it up on my phone. You don't have to. You have the internet on your Nokia.

I have zero internet. I just have Snake. Yeah. It's a sick game, and when you're waiting in line for Jack in the Box, it passes the time like nobody's business. You get your chicken sandwich in two seconds. Do you know, speaking of Snake,

I've played every single Metal Gear Solid. I literally have no idea what you're talking about. I literally have zero idea what you're talking about, and I actually went to a place that I wish I didn't, just hearing that word. Metal Gear Solid is a government program. They hired a man known as Hideo Kojima to create the closest thing to a military simulator so the CIA could track.

Sorry, I get a little flustered when I think back on this. My God. Metal Gear Solid is a CIA training program. It's covert. It's out in the open. People don't realize. Wait, it's covert and out in the open? Well, people don't realize that it's a CIA training program. It's covert. It's out in the open. People don't realize. Wait, it's covert and out in the open? Well, people don't realize that it's a CIA training program.

Wait, it's covert, out in the open, and it's a CIA training program, and yet you know about it, and you live with your parents. I don't. You live with your parents. Don't live with my parents. Just admit it.

Sarah Christ! Listen, the first step of addiction is admitting it. You're addicted to your parents. I'm not addicted to anything. The only thing I'm addicted to is purpose. Yeah. Purpose of living with your parents so you can save money. God, get out in the real world, buddy.

Pay your taxes. Okay. Metal Gear Solid is a trading program created by the CIA to test who out there has the capabilities of being a secret, awesome military spy. Is awesome in the... Yes, that's in their wording. And see, I beat every single Metal Gear Solid game, including Metal Gear 1 and 2. I beat them all with perfect scores.

And in fact, even in Metal Gear Solid 4, Guns of the Patriots, I had a no-kill rate. Which is borderline impossible. But I did it. And then the CIA has been after me ever since. Okay, so this is a video game? That's one way to call it, but it's much more than that. The CIA is after you? Yeah, they've been trying to recruit me ever since I turned 18.

Even before that, actually, middle school. Ever since I beat Snake Eater, they had their eyes on me. Snake Eater? Yeah, that's Metal Gear Solid 3. Snake Eater. You play as Big Boss. I love playing. Sorry, when I think about it, I start talking like him a little bit. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, my voice kind of turned this way while playing Metal Gear Solid. It had an influence on me. So what does the CIA want from you? My skills. They view me as a weapon. You're a weapon? Yeah.

Look at me. I am. And you have a shark tooth puka shell necklace. Yeah, which I got myself. The puka shell necklace. Yeah. You see this shark tooth? Yeah, I see it. I got it myself. The puka shell necklace. Yeah. You see this shark tooth? Yeah, I see it.

I got it myself. How? My family and I were visiting Disney World in Orlando. And on one of the days, we went to the beach. And I decided to go out for a little swim. Wow. It's like I had a boner and it just went away. Got soft real quick.

Uh-huh. And sorry, it's hard to remember and think back on this because it's a because disneyland there's a lot of rides disney world oh my bad disneyland is in anaheim california correct okay so you went to florida so we were in orlando we went to the beach and i said i'm gonna go out into the ocean and swim. And they said, be careful of riptides. And I said, I know I'm not going to get caught by a riptide. I'm a very good swimmer. That's part of the reason the CIA is after me.

Because I'm basically a Navy SEAL. And I can hold my breath for a really long time. How long? So long. Every time when my parents are driving and I'm in the back seat and we go through a tunnel i hold my breath and i basically i've never i've never had to take a breath at any tunnel wow yeah any tunnel in the u.s i could freaking hold my breath throughout the whole thing yeah even the cia tunnels underneath the denver international airport you held your breath the whole time under CIA tunnels?

Yeah, in case there was noxious gases. Noxious? Yeah, which is also why I can use the back bathroom in airplanes, because I hold my breath. Maybe you could learn a thing or two, Sarah Christ. Yeah, you should teach me how to hold my breath. Hold my breath from bullshit. Anyways. Yep.

So I'm swimming out in the beach in Orlando, Florida. And then as I'm sitting there doggy paddling through the waves. You see the lake. Yeah. Well, it's actually the most efficient way to swim. And they don't tell you that. But it's actually if you really need to swim for a long amount of time. Doggy paddle.

Doggy paddle. Yeah. It's just got an unfortunate name, but... Because you look like a little puppy doggy swimming through the water? No, I doggy paddle because I am effectively one of the Diamond Dogs, which you would also understand if you played Metal Gear Solid. Anyways... I literally don't understand it. Yeah, that's okay.

So I'm doggy paddling in Orlando, Florida. And then suddenly I felt something bump my right thigh. What? Yeah. I look down and I see a shadow shift beneath me. Boner's back. And I realize this is a shark. And then it came straight for my midsection and i grabbed its snout and i'm

sitting there thrashing it whoa i'm thrashing it and and and everyone's nobody even noticed everybody was going about their day not realizing i'm fighting a battle with with neptune himself one of his agents is after me but i wrestled this shark away until I got it into a frickin' headlock. And then I reached my hand right there and I grabbed one of its front teeth and I ripped it out. And then I gathered some puka shells I found on the beach. And some string I also found at a souvenir shop nearby. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And I constructed this necklace right then and there

in the power of that Mako shark, or perhaps some other kind of shark, but probably a Mako shark. Mm-hmm. Could have been a bull shark. I don't freaking know. It could have been a hammerhead. Well, no.

Actually, it could have been a hammerhead. It could have been. Yeah. Hammerhead probably wouldn't let you get close to its teeth. I don't know a single shark that probably would let you get close to its teeth, so I'm not really sure what you tackled. They wouldn't let me get close. I got close myself by my own pure strength and will.

And nobody saw you? And now I have the strength of sharks within me, which is this acts as a charm and allows me to hold my breath for even freaking longer. Basically, it can hold my breath forever. Forever? Yeah, I've just never tested it because I'm impatient. Well, I think that's an excellent story. One time I was at the wave pool at Waterworld.

Yes, let me guess. Were your parents there? No, my parents weren't there. How'd you get there? I freaking went there with my friends. Were your parents there? No, my parents weren't there. How'd you get there? I freaking went there with my friends. Who had a car? Who was driving you young kids? Bobby.

Bobby is a fucking nightmare. Give me his address. He is a nightmare. He shot me with his freaking paintball gun a million times. Yeah, I know. Give me his address and I'll arrest him on the spot. I'm not going to give you Bobby's address. I know you'll fucking kill him.

I'll talk to him first. No, you won't. What's his last name? Let me handle Bobby myself. What's his last name? Let me handle Bobby myself. What's his last name? I'm not telling you Bobby's last name. I'll find out. Okay, so you were in a wave pool

when your parents dropped you off? Yeah, but the waves got freaking crazy and I was sucked underneath and it was so crowded that people's feet were kicking me and I couldn't even get up, but I was down there for basically a freaking half hour. A half hour? Yeah.

You were in a wave pool underwater? No, because I think their systems were broken. Probably the CIA trying to test me again. Yeah, probably. Or somebody pooped in the pool, and they had to stop the waves, which is normally what happens. It's a criminal act, pooping in pools, but kids do it all the time because they're freaking don't care about society. That's true. Yeah, but anyways, the CIA is always trying to recruit me.

MIT was trying to get me into their school. It's freaking... MIT was trying to get you. Yeah, because I'm so good at coding. But it's like, I don't want to stoop down to that level. It's like, why go back to first grade? First grade MIT? I never even went to college i went straight into the force yeah so i basically have a shark tooth too called my fucking badge you want to know how i got this badge you graduated police academy yes and i climbed walls to do it and you know how many men told me i couldn't a lot they all told me i couldn't do it and i said yeah watch my ass when i run in front of you

and they did they all wanted my ass and i was like not me i'm a special officer they literally all wanted my ass and i almost you know i didn't give it i didn't give it up you know what i did give up? My soul to the devil. That's what happens when you join the force. And then I became a detective. And then you searched after this Creekside killer. So you were after the Creekside killer before you became a detective.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, because the Creekside killer, I know him. Do you think the Creekside Killer, I know him. Do you think the Creekside Killer knows you? Oh, yeah. He's taunting me. Sending me little love notes here and there around the Pacific Northwest

with his little footprints everywhere. He's taunting me. It harkens one of the most treacherous possibilities, which is that we live to fight the darkness, but without the darkness, what would we be? Is that our purpose? Can we survive without the darkness with which we fight? Do you think the Creekside Killer does what he does because he's trying to give you purpose? I think so.

I think when you fight in the darkness, beings live in the darkness to keep us fighting so that maybe one day we can find the light. That was pretty cool. You should write that down. Yeah, I got it memorized. that down yeah i got it memorized really yeah i got that memorized all of ender's game memorized um pretty much um the entire voynich manuscript which is another mystery it's a book that was discovered in the 1500s with mysterious writings

and drawings people have never been able to decipher it, but I have it fully memorized, and I've pretty much figured it out. What's the main message? The main message is that something is coming, something so sinister and cruel that none of us can fathom it, except for me.

Oh, you can fathom it? Yeah, which is part of being chosen, that I know that it's coming So how do I get into this chosen ceremony since I you know, I'm an ex detective and they took my gun You cannot be chosen Sarah Christ. I'm sorry. What I'm sorry, Sarah Christ you are I Respect you tell me what I need to do to become chosen. Well, you'd have to stop having sex with people so much. Oh, fuck that. I'm not doing that then.

Sorry, that's straight up. Is there another way that I can be like, you know, chosen adjacent where I can keep having sex and live my life and smoke cigarettes but not because I'm quitting? How do I get in this league of chosen men and wolves and moons? I would have to talk to the chosen council. But to speak with them, to bring you to see the chosen council would be against protocol. I could get in serious shit. Can I ask a sincere question? Yeah.

Is the chosen council your parents? No, the chosen council. God damn it. Are your parents the chosen council your parents? No, the chosen council. God damn it. Are your parents the chosen council? No, they're not. My parents are not chosen. Oh. You didn't even get your parents in the chosen? Oh yeah, because they had sex to have you. Yeah. I didn't become chosen until I was in middle school.

And then on one night I was chosen. And I also choosed to be chosen. And I make that choice every day to be chosen. Ever since I that choice every day to be chosen. Ever since I was 11. The day I became a man. 11?

Yeah. Yeah, when you're chosen, you're forced to grow up fast. Yeah. Just like Tom Hanks in Big. Yeah. You know that at one time I went to one of those machines and it did grant me a wish. What was your wish? My wish...

My wish was to be the strongest being on Earth. And it granted it. But then I refused to take it. Why? Because I need to earn it. A wish does not feel earned. I don't deal with... I don't make deals with supernatural beings,

including devils, djinns, anything of that nature. No, I cannot. Djinn like a genie from Aladdin? Yeah. But they're far more powerful than... They seem so sweet, though.

Not all of them. Oh. You gotta be careful. Leprechauns? Oh, yeah. I have a leprechaun living in my neighborhood he's insane he lives in the trees he's outrageous he just keeps pooping on my suv so every time i come out there's just white shit everywhere that's a that's a leprechaun yeah pretty sure oh that's what my ex-husband said. Hmm. Do you think there's ever a chance that you could reconcile with your ex-husband?

No. He stole my drone. I had it flying around his house, and he figured out a way to bring it down, and he fucking stole it. So no, I will not reconcile with my ex-husband unless he gives me my drone back, because there's a lot on that drone that I need. I got this special military ops drone, the X500.

Yeah, I know about that bad boy. Yeah, it stores images, files. It actually caught a hummingbird in flight once, which was pretty wild. I can't re-watch that. I can never re-watch that. Sarah Christ, that is a crime against the supernatural. You know that hummingbirds are harbingers

of the supernatural. You know that hummingbirds are harbingers of the deceased. Yeah, they're basically old women who die and come back as hummingbirds. That's all they want to come back as. So yeah, they're everyone's grandma is just fucking flying around and I have videos of it. Taking it down?

You captured it? Yeah, I took a video of a hummingbird. Oh, I thought you actually caught it with your drone. No, I did not catch hummingbirds with my drone. That's illegal. Oh, okay. I have to arrest myself. Then I'm glad that that's not what you did.

I got confused for a second. No, my ex-husband took down my drone with a net. He found a large net from the pool that he barely will let me swim in, and he grabbed my drone, and he won't give it back. I'm finding a way to break into his house, so don't worry, I got that covered.

Sarah Christ, you cannot break into someone's house. If you try to do that, I will have to stand in your way. If you stand in my way, I will fight you to the end of time. Sarah Christ, a battle against me would not go how you would want it to go. Chosen, a battle against me means you sell me your soul

and you work with me until the end of time, filing whatever I ask you to file. What will it be? You cannot stray me from my ways, Sarah Christ. I am chosen, and I serve the chosen, no matter what. Well, will the chosen serve me and help me take down the Creekside Killer once and for all? I will not serve you, but we can... Okay.

Our purposes are aligned, and we will find the Creekside Killer. Then serve the Dungeons and Dragons and find the Creekside Killer with me. That's kind of mean, but... How is that mean? You're just kind of the way you're talking about Dungeons and Dragons. Serve the magical creatures of the dragons in the dungeons. All right, fine, whatever. Serve the, yeah.

We will find the Creekside Killer. Okay. We'll hold our breaths underground, and we'll find him. Yeah, that's right. When are you available? When will your parents let you be free? Pretty much whenever I freaking want. Okay.

It's time for our ending segment. Hmm. Unless there's something else you'd want to say Well There is something else I want to say Okay I got a tip Yeah

Your mom She might be involved No, that's not possible Your mom might be in communication With who I think the Creekside Killer is. What? Joanne Fabric. Shit.

I don't know about that. I should have expected that the Creekside Killer would try to get close to me in some way. He knew that we were working together. He's keeping tabs on me. I've always feared... It's why I try to keep my parents' identity secret. I'm stupid for saying where she works on this podcast. Yeah, Joanne Fabrics. Don't repeat it.

Joanne Fabrics. Don't stop it. Well, listen. She had clear communication with who I think the Creekside Killer is, this man with a braid in his beard, and I think that your mom is in danger. So in order to find the Creekside Killer, we have to go to Joanne Fabrics.

Okay. After this podcast. Sounds good. All right. Want to come in my car? Sure. Okay. You're going to get,

you're going to get filthy. That's okay. Fine. I have, like I said, I have high constitution. I'll gonna get filthy. That's... Okay, fine. I have... Like I said, I have high constitution. I'll hold my breath the entire time. Okay, well, I have ketchup stain still on my jeans. Can we stop at 7-Eleven? I need to get a Mountain Dew.

Yeah, I'll try one of those, too. That sounds fun. Anything that'll jolt me awake. Yeah, it's freaking well. Okay. Okay. Very good. Very good.

It's time for Jaw Drop, our ending segment. This is where we reveal a fact about ourselves that is so unbelievable it makes the other guests' jaw drop. Okay. Do you want to go first? Do you want me to go first? I want you to go first. Very well. I will tell you some facts that I've never told anyone before.

Ever? If you're listening to this or watching this, get ready for a fucking lore dump. Okay. Fuck, I've never talked about this before. Let the wolves guide you. I participated in the battle of M2XFE in the online game Eve Online. It was the greatest battle freaking ever. It's one of the most expensive battles in video game history. It

cost like freaking hundreds of thousands of dollars because of so many starships getting destroyed. It was a battle that lasted so long, and I was at the heart of it. I was fighting for peace the entire time, but it didn't come. It was awful. And what people also don't realize is I also fought in the second biggest battle in EVE Online, the Battle of BR5RB. It was another freaking crazy battle. It was freaking forever. You probably don't know what I'm talking about,

so I'll give you another fact. I have literally no idea. I want my jaw to drop, but I just... I'm not even here right now. I was also there. At the center of it. I witnessed patient zero of the corrupted blood incident in World of Warcraft. The corrupted blood incident was a freaking virus. It was a glitch in the system that

transferred to a whole server. It was devastating. It was so devastating that biologists have actually used it to study how viruses transfer in real life. But of course, in many ways, World of Warcraft is real life. It reflects our true nature more than life ever could. And I was there. My character, a frickin' tauren warrior, was corrupted by the corrupted blood, but somehow resisted it and was able to recover. I was one of the only ones. It was awful. Anyways.

Some of our listeners' jaws have dropped so hard that they look like that girl from The Ring. The girl in the closet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. Well, I just blacked out right then and there, so that sounds fun. Yeah, those are some three insane got it. Well, I just blacked out right then and there, so that sounds fun. Yeah, those are some three insane facts about myself.

Wow. Yeah. Sounds like you travel to other planets in your room on your computer, which is pretty wild. I have programs that allow me to actually transfer my consciousness into cyberspace. I exist there in many ways, which is why I'm often trying to help you. You don't realize, but I'm searching for the Creekside Killer

in the cybersphere. Are you? Yeah. If he ever enters there in any sort of capacity, I can see him with my own eyes. I exist there. My body, my consciousness, my anatomy exists within the

cybersphere, but my veins are wires. My brain, a motherboard. Sounds like The Matrix. You've seen that movie? My muscles? Ram. Yeah, it's basically The Matrix. I freaking know The Matrix. It's the best movie series of all time.

Well, next time you're in Ram, let me know, and I'll pop in there and serve him a warrant. All right. Or I'll just tackle him right then and there, because I can jump in your world, right? Is that how that works? Sarah Christ, if you tried to jump into the cybersphere, your head would explode.

Fine. It takes training and focus. Can you train me? Perhaps. Only if you can do 100 push push-ups, a hundred sit-ups, a hundred squats, and a ten kilometer run every day. No. Okay then, no. I'm sorry. Okay, well, great.

Alright. And I'm only available 5am to 6am. Here's my jaw drop. Alright. Fun little fact, I've never told a single soul about this. Last Christmas, I went to Macy's.

Bought a pair of black heels. I took them home. It was dark. I waited until everyone went to bed. I slipped on these black heels. They were naturalistic, so they were comfy. Didn't matter.

I walked out my door in these heels. It's the first time ever wearing heels in my life. I walked down my steps. I saw a man coming out of his house, and I fucking flipped out, and I completely slipped off my stairs, twisted my ankle and fell flat on my face. And I fell asleep there all night. I took those heels. I found a ditch in the woods near my mom's house and i burned them and i buried them and i never told a single soul about the time i wore heels once almost died that day and that's my jaw drop because it literally made me drop to my knees by breaking my fucking ankle, and I fell asleep on the ground. Not the first time I've slept outside.

You attempted to feel what a different life could have been, and then you buried that different life and burned it. Yeah. Never again. You will never catch me in heels ever in my life, because you can't run in heels, and I need to be ready to run. That's... I mean... I don't know if that's true because you can't run in heels and i need to be ready to run that's i mean i don't know if that's true you can't you literally can't run in heels i don't know

i don't know a single person i mean beyonce could probably do it but she's but she's chosen she's chosen i fucking knew it i fucking knew it who else is chosen taylor lautner i thought you're gonna say taylor swift and i was like yeah, Taylor Lautner is not chosen. Taylor Swift isn't. Oh, Taylor Lautner is chosen. Is that why he always does backflips and flips? Yes, that's why he does backflips. Michael B. Jordan.

Chris Pine. Chris Pine is unfortunately not chosen. Yeah, that makes sense to me. But he's an awesome freaking actor. Yeah, that makes sense to me. I freaking loved him in Star Trek and Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah. There makes sense to me. But he's an awesome frickin' actor. Yeah, that makes sense to me. Frickin' loved him in Star Trek and Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah.

There are many chosen's out there. Abraham Lincoln was a chosen. That's why you said Abraham Lincoln. That's right. I knew it. But I know one thing. What?

The Creekside Killer is not chosen. He is the opposite of chosen and we are going to find him. And that we can agree on. Before we end this episode, and before we embark on our mission together. The first save your mom. Right.

Sarah Christ, you may not be chosen, but you have earned my respect. And as an honorary kind of chosen, this is kind of like a thing. I am giving you a pair of sunglasses. Okay, they're filthy, but thank you. Well, I just got them at Walmart, but. That means everyone's been touching them and putting them on? Well, I mean, maybe. I'll dust them later.

Yeah. Yeah. But you're going to need these. I've charmed them. So they will protect you from dark forces and temptation. And they will allow you to see supernatural beings. Be careful. In this room, even, you might see things you've never seen before.

Pretty much looks the same to me. Yeah, well, they just need to kind of calibrate. Yeah, okay, so it takes overnight. Yeah. I'm honestly all jokes aside, I'm honored. I'm glad. I got something for you. I wasn't gonna give it to you, but I'm gonna give it to you now.

I hope it's not a loose lifesaver. It's a cigarette. Okay. I hope it's not a loose lifesaver. It's a cigarette. Okay. I will hold on to it. That looks like it's already been lit. It's been in my pocket for ten years. But here you go. I've put my lips on it many times and haven't lit it,

but that's a cigarette for you. Thank you, Sarah Christ. You're welcome. And thank you for watching this episode of Smosh Mouth. If you ever see anyone who you believe to be the Creekside Killer, let us know. And let us know in the comments down below any mysteries that you've dealt with in your life. And we can try to help solve them. And let us know if you want to see us back here on this show.

Yeah, let us know if you want us to talk about anything other than what we talked about today. That's right. Goodbye. Goodbye. We'll see you later. Watch out. I might jump in your pool.

Yeah. Yep. All right. All right. Very pool. Yeah. Yep. All right. All right. Very good. Goodbye. Okay, I guess I'll make a phone call. Yeah, boss, I'm almost done.

No, it's not my kid. It's this chosen guy. All right, see you later. Want to go get a snack?