Smosh Mouth - #7 - The Dumbest Conspiracy Theories w/ Noah Grossman

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Shayne and Amanda talk to Noah about his Smosh stereotype and how he's more than that...then they fully lean into the stereotype and talk about conspiracies anyways. SUBSCRIBE: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshCast WEAR OUR JOKES: https://smosh.com WHO YOU SEE Amanda Lehan-Canto // https://www.instagram.com/filmingamanda/ Shayne Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/ Noah Grossman // https://www.instagram.com/noahgrossman214/ FOLLOW US: TikTok: https://smo.sh/TikTok Snapchat: http://smo.sh/OnSnapchat Instagram: https://instagram.com/smosh Facebook: https://facebook.com/smosh Twitter: https://twitter.com/smosh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome back to Smosh Mouth. Yeah. Sure. I'm Shane Topp. And I'm Amanda Lee Hankanto, and we're here with Noah Grossman.

Hi. Is that a smash mouth? I think we're going to try out Smosh Mouth. We're allowed to do whatever we want. Yeah, there's no parents. So no one's telling us what to do. I mean, they could tell us what to do, but they're like... They could shut it down at any time.

Me and Anthony are like, you know what, man? Just say whatever. They never said that. They pulled us into a meeting room. They were both smoking cigars, and they went, you know what? You kids. You kids do whatever you want. Say whatever.

So Smosh Mouth, love it. Yeah, sure. Why not? Let's do it. You like it? I love it. I wanted to tell you when we started, but I think you need a minute because you got a little Smosh Mouth right now.

Do I? Yeah, I think you've been talking for all day. I'm totally lying. Oh, boy. Diss. Damn. Hard. No, it's so cool to have you here.

I don't know if a lot of people know this. I think people know this, that I've known you longer than anyone else here at Smosh. Yeah, I didn't know that until you told me the other day. 12 years old? He was 12 when I met him. I was 18? Yeah, I think

you had just turned 18, something like that. I was a teenager, yeah. What was Noah like? From Shane's eyes, and what was Shane like from your eyes? I still vividly remember, so this was in an improv class that I'd been going to for a couple years, or about a year or so at that point. And it was a teen class. So I was one of the older people in the class.

And Noah had just gotten bumped up from the kids class to that one, right? Am I correct? I actually just joined that one. I wasn't in the kids class. You one right am i correct i actually just joined that one i wasn't in the kids class you were just you just joined that theater in general i just randomly joined yeah but there was like kids yeah they did do kids theater so like original written plays which is actually one of the coolest things it was really fun but we were so i remember your first time in this class you're 12 years old you are at this point very short.

You were like the tiniest kid in the class. That's what's so funny is it was kind of like, it wasn't a joke, but I just remember being like, you were so small for 12. I think I might have been 4'7". Yeah. Very, very short. That's shorter than Shakira. Is that how you measure things?

That's shorter than Danny DeVito, I think. I think Shakira's 4'11". Do you just keep that in your pocket? Yep. That's how you measure when you're like, oh, how long do I need this curtain rod? This is several Shakiras long. All Shakiras. Wow.

Yep. Where are they? They lost at sea. There's several Shakiras out. Yeah. There are millions of Shakiras out at Ocean. But I remember the first scene you did. In my memory, your voice was the exact same at 12.

That's incredible. In my memory. It's probably not true. That's just probably how I remember it. You did a sketch where you were asking a girl to prom, or you were showing up to pick up a girl from prom, and there was one line that you said that frigging killed me, where you were like, yeah, if you get hungry,

I have these almonds that I brought. I'm allergic, but I'll work through it. And I remember being like, that's so funny. You were really, you were a killer.

Like, you would say, you said insane shit for a 12-year-old. He still remembers that. That's so funny. Thank you. I just remember any time we did like a show,

like I'm so bad at improv shows, because I just, I get so anxious, I just can't handle it. I think in your head it's bad, but you would deliver incredible lines. And it was funny, at that time it was really funny, because you're 12 years old, you look younger, and you're saying wild, crazy stuff.

What was Shane like? Did Shane, you know this. So in the improv class, I ended up bringing like three, four of my other friends involved in it over the years. But Shane was like the coolest fucking guy on the planet. Like I've told him this a million times. He was literally like the coolest fucking guy. Like I'm 12. This fucking dude who like wears cool leather jackets

He's got like blonde jackets to an impact We can get into we can get into the jackets in a second. Did you ride a motorcycle? Was that just good? Well, I'll explain the I'll explain the I'll explain the jackets in a second, but no He was just cool. That's just say he was cool He looked like he was like off the OC but not in like a bad way Not in a way that it was like. He looked like he was off the OC, but not in a bad way. Not in a way that it was like. You do look like the guy from the OC. But it's not like the hair down, it's like the hair up.

You get what I mean? So it's cooler, it's actually cooler. Okay. You know what, so I was 12. You're convincing me, I guess. And I was easily like, this is the coolest guy I know. He's hilarious.

I just liked watching him perform. Meanwhile, I was not cool. You're just like, your mom's like, put on this leather jacket. I was cool, I think I was cool in that improv class because I just that was a place where I would go to just have fun you know because during the week

I'm trying to be an actor not doing so hot most of the time and then I'd go to this improv class with a bunch of teens a lot of whom weren't actors they were just there to just have fun and I would just go there and have a blast. And so in that place, I was in my element,

which is maybe that explains it. But the jackets. Explain the jacket, though. So look, not to get too real. I was very insecure about my body for a long time. So I would wear jackets year round, even in the heat. Whoa. I remember.

I remember I had a different jacket like all the time. I remember I had a different jacket all the time. Originally, I had this. It was, God, it was so 2008. It was this. It looked like a blazer, but it was made out of a very stretchy material, so it was very tight. And I would wear this blazer thing with the sleeves rolled up. You must have been so hot all the time. That wasn't so bad. But then I moved on to a Robert Pattinson type of black, almost military type cotton coat that I would wear.

It had a bunch of pockets on it. And I would wear that year round. And then I moved on to a green leather jacket it had a hood attached to the inside of it. And that one I wore for a really long time. I still own that one. I'll wear it. Maybe I'll wear it in one of the next Please wear it. That'd be great. I'll wear it in a couple weeks. That was like your safety blanket.

Yeah, I can wear it on one of these episodes. So I would wear that. I would wear it. I would wear it year round. And even in the heat, even whatever, because I was just so like, I don't want to, like I want to kind of hide. I remember learning that jacket was fake

because I got one similar to it like two years later. Like two years later, a jacket like that one on, that red one was later when I joined Smosh, but before that it was a similar, it was like a Levi's, like brown leather, but inside it had like this gray part, so it looked like you were wearing two things. Yeah, that's when I learned.

Did you do it because of Shane? You know, I think to be fully honest, in every male actor's life, they need some sort of leather jacket to fit a role. Same with a female. Like they want the photos of the girl with a leather jacket and a black tank top looking like she has a gun or she just got off a motorcycle. Right, like you're in Castle or something. Yeah, it's like, all right, we need, like, a law and order pic. I'm like, what? What?

That makes sense. So, yeah. I also think it was very 2000. This is, like, 2010 to 2013. The, like, fake inner lining things were very common. Yeah. Or the sweatshirt jacket mix. Yeah, the fashion was just nuts.

You also had a period of time, probably a little bit before that, where you had the fake short-sleeved shirt over long-sleeved shirt. Oh, that's coming back, bro. I loved that look. I can't believe that's coming back. That's back. I don't think I'm a fan of it. I loved that look. I did it believe that's coming back. That's back. I don't think I'm a fan of it. I loved that look.

I did it a lot. I did it a lot. I gotta admit. That was my favorite. But I don't want it to come back. Dude, it's the Frankie Muniz. That's what that is. That's the Malcolm in the Middle right there.

It's just everyone back then. God. That was the thing. So I wanted to talk about, because Noah, I feel like at Smosh, you over the years have been stereotyped, I think unfairly, a little bit. I don't know, somewhere along the way. A little. A little. A little.

Somewhere along the way, we put you into this box of like, you're the stoner conspiracy guy. And that's like the only joke that's often said. Yeah, you played Shaggy in Scooby-Doo. You really nailed that coffin. We're always going to do that. And what's funny is I don't think it's that accurate. Like, I think, I don't think that's the role that I see you playing behind the scenes here.

It is my fault. To be fully honest, it is my fault, okay? Because I am a bit of a stoner and I do like conspiracy theories. So he is exactly that. Yeah, and unfortunately I think the root of it is I used to spend a lot of the time just talking with the head writer

and just hanging out with everyone, and like the only things that I would talk about is like the random shit that I would read online the night before. And like, it's like 2015, 2016, and like nobody in mainstream,, 2016, and nobody in mainstream, I'm saying nobody in mainstream, but the whole QAnon shit going on, I was here being like, guys, I need to tell you

about this weird ass shit that's happening, and no one understands it. So I'm trying to explain it to them, and I think that's the root of it. And then once that stuff became mainstream, I think then they connected it all, and we're like, oh, so like, and it's like, no, no, no, I'm here telling you, like, this is what crazy people

are doing. Right. It's moved from entertainment to, you know. Once they hook on to something, I mean, they still think I'm like a mom with five children that don't know how to play a board game, so. Wow. That's my biggest thing.

When did you have the fifth? Good luck. Sorry. Good luck, Amanda, figuring out how to play this board game and mom, mom. And I'm like, I probably did that to myself. It's kind of, it's also similar to people thinking that I'm the loudest person.

When in most social settings, I'm not very loud. No, no. I'm actually very quiet. I am very shy. Well, it's our characters that we're like, you know. And it is part of us. Like, we're not denying that these are aspects of us, but they're not the whole thing.

No. So we want to highlight this. Let's talk about the small sliver. We want to highlight the stoner conspiracy theory in you. So I did actually, something I've wanted to do since we started this podcast again is talking about the dumbest conspiracy theories we've ever seen.

So we can get into that in a little bit. But I first wanted to say, Noah, I feel like who I see you as here, I think you're one of the nicest people. And I think your overarching trait that I see is you're someone who will become friends with anyone. And a really funny thing that I've noticed over the years, and it's specific also to you and Keith, is whenever we

have to go work somewhere, like we work at a convention or something, and we're working over a weekend, I'll meet up with you guys and you guys always have a new friend. You guys will always be like hanging out, you'll be hanging out with some six foot nine Norwegian man, and you'll be like oh yeah, this is Disco, and he'll be like

what's up man, And I'm like, hey, how's it going? He came here on a ship. We met Disco five hours ago and he's our best friend now. You don't even. Okay.

That's great. But yeah, VidCon this year was super fun. We met this super cool guy, Jordan. Last name starts with a P, but he's a musician. I don't remember his last name,

but he was a cool guy that we met. But yeah, Keith and I just like to like meet random people sometimes in passing. I just feel like any person you meet, you're down to be their friend. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, Keith and I just like to meet random people sometimes in passing. I just feel like any person you meet, you're down to be their friend. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe not their friend, but you're very curious about what's going on with them. You want to know how they tick. I don't mind sharing space with people, if that makes sense. It does. If I want to talk to someone, yeah, I'd love to get to know you more, but honestly, I don't. I feel very similar to that.

My mom called me a New Yorker the other day. She was like, god, you've become such a New Yorker. Because when I go out in public, sometimes I don't want to actually talk to people. I think because I don't have enough introverted time, that sometimes I'm like, I just want to get this coffee and go. But I used to be way more like, hey, how are you talking to strangers?

And my mom was like, you're such a New Yorker. So maybe I need to embrace the- I don't know. I feel like, Noah, you would never turn down a conversation. If you were walking down the street and someone was just like, hey, can I talk to you real quick? You'd be like, yeah, man, sure. To my detriment.

Not me. Now I have to stop. I've been hustled for cigarettes that way. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah have to stop i've been hustled for cigarettes that way oh yeah oh yeah what i've been hustled for cigarettes in hollywood this was when rogue one was coming out so i was standing watching them build the millennium falcon in hollywood just enjoying my time i dropped off two of my friends you know uh one of our friends kefra i dropped him off and another friend they were going to a gay club and i was like gonna enjoy them just to like have fun.

But we had fake IDs from the same state and the same address. So it wasn't going to work out. So only one of us. And I was like, oh, obviously, let the two gay guys go to the gay club. I'll just walk around Hollywood. And so while they're having fun, I'm just walking around. Oh, look, the Millennium Falcon. So I'm leaning over.

Like, oh, this is so cool watching them build it. And all of a sudden, someone's just like, hey, yeah, you. Hey, you. My dumb ass turns around. No, never. Who turns around, right? I would just walk away. I had to learn that. Like, that's literally, Keith has told me multiple times.

Like, he leaves me places because I turn around. Like, he has tried to instill it in me. I can totally picture Keith being upset about it. Oh, he'll just walk. He'll just walk. Because Keith is very good at being like, I'm not doing this. He's like, no. No.

So how did he hustle you for cigarettes? Well, because I turned around, and there's like a 6'8", like homeless guy. 6'8"? He is huge. And maybe he's standing on the curb, and I'm off the curb. All I know is I'm looking up, and the street light's blacked out. I can't even make out his face.

And behind me is the railing and the Millennium Falcon. And he's like, you look like the guy who's gonna buy me cigarettes. Straight up. He didn't really hustle. He just straight up came out with the question.

Okay, well, what am I gonna say? I'm not that guy. No! What? No, I'm gonna say, you know what? How'd you know?

I literally said, yes, I am. And I walked in, because the liquor store is right'd you know? I literally said, yes I am. And I walked in, because the liquor store's right there too. I didn't realize, he's like outside the liquor store. Like it's a five feet transaction. Yes I am. Like it is right there. I told him, yes I am.

And I walked my ass in there. I bought him the cigarettes. And he did try to get like a soda or some extra shit. And I looked at him and I said, I'm buying the cigarettes. And I like, that was it. And then I just continued walking down Hollywood. Because that's what it is. Like I lost. I lost the game. Did he say thank you? If he did, it was it. And then I just continued walking down Hollywood. Because that's what it is. Like, I lost. I lost the game.

Did he say thank you? If he did, it was silent. It was quiet. He like mumbled it. You know, he didn't want anyone to know that he was thankful. So now I know that all I have to do is go up to you and ask for things and you go, yes, I will. I think you would. Honestly.

I think you actually would do just about anything. Why do you think that? Why do you think that you would just like immediately go for it? Because you're like, yes, this is what human beings do. No, that one is just the easiest way out of a situation. Damien explained something similar that happened to me.

Cause he was laughing about something, uh, mentioning like, Oh, that sometimes, um, because of like some of his diagnoses that he can't always tell when like, as a kid,

he was being bullied or like, can't tell in certain social situations. And I was like, oh, just relating a little bit, just being like, oh yeah, I don't necessarily know if I've ever been bullied, but I've definitely been in situations where obviously a transaction took place. And he was like, what does that mean? And I was like, well like.

Well, this time I was robbed. Well, essentially, but like, so there was in, when I was in sixth grade, again, very, very tiny, there was a kid who was in eighth grade and he might've even been held back. And like, I'm gonna be honest, this is really how I viewed this kid. I was like, oh, his name's like Luna.

He's a little off. Like he wears glasses that are like a little wonky. Like he wears like the same pair of like cargo capris every day. And he likes to be really loud and try to like bully kids and like push them and try to make really crude jokes. And it's like, okay, you're an eighth grader, why are you in the PE period with the other sixth graders?

You're a lot older than everyone, got a lot of facial hair, and you smell like a man. He was 45 years old. It looked like, essentially. But he would come down the rows and he would just be talking to people and stuff, and then at a certain point, I think one day I had a Pop-Ttart with me and he was like can I have some pop-tart like I'm hungry So I was like, okay. Yes. I am. Yeah. Yes

I am and then after that he started asking me for a dollar and like back in middle school I used to sell pieces of my lunches because I didn't always eat it all so like I'd sell my sandwich Then I'd sell the grapes. Your body needed that food. Listen, we'll talk about that later. But I had just like ones, like on any day of the week, I probably had anywhere from like 12 to like $24 in ones in my wallet

from just selling my lunches. Damn, holy shit. You're a hustler. Well, I would give them a dollar like every day, every other day. And I really like, and I know, this is why Damon was like, I think you were being bullied. And I'm like, maybe, but the way that I process me being bullied is, like, I really was giving this person two levels of charity. And I know this is so fucked up because I don't know their life.

But one, I was letting them get away with just, like, being, like, a mean, stinky bully so that, like, they didn't have to look like a bitch in front of everyone. And also, like, I was letting them get away with just like being like a mean, stinky bully so that like they didn't have to look like a bitch in front of everyone. And also like I was letting them eat. And I know that's so like messed up, but that's really how I viewed it. And like when Damon broke it down to me that he was like, I think you were like bullied. And I was like, oh, I think like from their perspective, I think they thought that they were like fully bullying me. But you were bullying them. But from my perspective, I was like them the grace of the stage they needed to feel better today. I know that's

so fucked, but maybe that's how I processed being bullied. I kind of love that. They meet you later on in life and they're like, you were patronizing me the entire time, weren't you? Holy crap. I thought I was bullying you. You were bullying me in a weird way. In a really weird way. I still lost the money every day, so it was a transaction.

Every day? That's a lot of money. Every other day, something like that. So like it was a transaction. Every day? That's a lot of money. Every other day, something like that. Yeah, probably like $3 a week, $3 to $5 a week. That's a lot of money when you're in middle school. Yeah. That would give them two Pop-Tarts a day if you think about it. That's how I thought about it. I can relate.

That's so cheap. I can relate because in seventh grade, I never really, I don't think I was ever bullied. And once again, in my mind. I think if I was, I didn't recognize it. Because I think I'm someone that if someone roasted me or said a joke about me, I wouldn't think of like, I'm being bullied. You'd just laugh along. I just kind of be like, ah, yeah.

Because there was one time that I look back on it and go, oh, I was absolutely being bullied. And they were upset that I didn't take it as bullying. It was everyone was lined up to go into PE, the 7th and the 8th graders, and there was this group of the 8th grade bros who were, they weren't bullies. As far as I know, we didn't have an extreme bullying issue at the school,

but these were the dudes who would probably do it the most. They're the ones wearing all the dirt biking gear all day. Those are the guys I dated. They're wearing the fox hats. Long jean shorts with big black sneakers. Fuck yeah.

That was the cool crowd in Arizona. But there was one time where I forget I was saying something or something happened where they started doing this, like, kind of, like, rap rhyme thing, making fun of me. And it was, like, something like Drives an Impala, Sucks on, like, whatever. You know where it's getting at, kind of. Sucks on a dick. It wasn't that, but it was something. Sucks on your mama titty they're doing this rap rhyme at me

and I'm laughing my ass off because I think it's really funny and then at a certain point they stop and they go why are you laughing and I'm like it's really funny and I think everyone else started laughing then too because they're like wait that's ridiculous

look I don't know if they've seen Smosh And I think everyone else started laughing then too because they were like, wait, that's ridiculous. And look, I don't know if they've seen Smosh where I'm like, I get roasted for a living now. Yeah. But I've embraced it and it's hilarious. But that was my first experience of really like, okay, that was deliberate. They were trying to embarrass me in front of everyone. Yeah.

But I don't care. Yeah. That's funny. I don't think I've gotten, I can't tell if I've gotten bullied or not. I definitely was like very curvy,

like developed in like sixth grade. You were six feet tall in fourth grade. I was more like followed around and like, you know,

bullied in that sense. I remember in one of the Reddit stories that we did, I think it was, was it you and Spencer? Spencer acknowledged once that like preteen and teenage girls towards each other can be devastating. The way they bully each other can be awful. I feel like dudes, dudes are awful, but it's a much more like, frankly, dangerous. Like, it's like, what are they going to physically do to me? Weirdly, I didn't feel like the women can be so nasty, but I didn't feel like the women were nasty to me.

I thought it was the boys. They were so, they would just make fun of me, but then they would follow me around, and then they would have competitions to like see who could like get me first yeah there was like i i was dating the the dirt biker guy who i was like so into and then i was kind of seeing someone else while we were like broken up and there was a fight in the hallway it was like kind of more like a dude thing but the ladies maybe i was just not aware i don't know though women can be kind of i think at that age i think everyone when they're a teenager has the potential to be super yeah yeah

yeah so i think but i also had i remember i had sisters like i had at least a sister in one school with me so my sister was like don't fuck with my younger sister. That helps. Like my sisters went to war for me. So it was like. That's super helpful. I had, I felt like I was always guarded, but like you never date someone in your sister's grade. That is like an unwritten rule. And like if there were any guys in my sister's grade who wanted to date me, she was like,

do not fucking touch my sister. And I was the same if they were like, oh my God, your older sister. And I was like, okay, well, she's not available to you guys. Do not. So I had protection. I had a barricade. Was that the same for you, Noah? Yeah, with my older brothers, yeah.

When I was a freshman in high school, my brother was a senior. Because I've got two older brothers. And so when that middle brother was in eighth grade, my oldest brother was a senior. That's super helpful. Yeah, because I remember my middle brother was bullied a little bit in middle school and high school,

and they didn't know that my oldest brother is really skinny, but just the thought of a senior coming and beat them up was enough. But it's also the network of like, oh. Yeah, because if he's not going to beat them up, he knows someone that will. He might have friends who are seniors who don't care.

And there's some idiot who's a senior who will take $20. And I feel like seniors are just bored at that point. And they're just down for that shit. Yeah, they're ready to just let go. See, I didn't go to high school. So I. Oh, right. I was in the actor crowd, which there was bullying.

There absolutely was. But it was a very different thing. And I've talked about this before. But what's devastating about being a child actor or being a teenage actor is the cool kids have a legitimacy that sucks. It's like, oh, that guy, he's on Zoey 101. He's a regular. He's famous and he's rich in our minds. I don't think they were as rich as we ever think they are. But it was like, oh, of course he's cool.

He's got a career. And I'm trying to be an actor. All of us are like, well, he made it and we suck and we're losers. And as opposed to in high school, it's like, what determines you're on the football? Having a car. It's like, oh, my God, that bro has a car and he has tinted windows and he's got a fucking sound system that was the coolest like are his parents out of town this weekend fuck yeah does he have a tinted window car like i remember my friend matt would pick me up and you could hear him a mile

away oh did he have like a modified he had like a sound system in his fucking big ass car with tinted windows. My mom was like, Matt's on his way. I was like, yep. And you'd go in and you couldn't hear a word that he was saying. You couldn't hear a word that he was saying. And I mean, it was just so fucking loud. But like that equated to cool. And he had a house where his parents would go out all the time.

That's mattered to us because normally. That makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah. That's. That's. Yeah us because normally That makes sense Yeah that's Dang Yeah So anyways we got a background of our point of views

Of life and our background So that's who we are But now who you really are Now who you really are But it boils down to that you're a stoner conspiracy theorist So Amanda and I were talking This past week and and we were like, we have been talking about wanting to do conspiracy theory stuff on here and talking about it, but also talking about the dumbest shit we've been seeing. I think maybe that's very specific to me. When I'm surfing Twitter and Reddit and TikTok, I get served a lot of conspiracy stuff, but it's so bad nowadays.

Yeah. Yeah. And the thing that, the reason I think it's unfair that you have been pinpointed as the conspiracy guy is because for a long time, and I mean, I still, I would say I'm entertained,

but when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, I was deep into conspiracy theories, mostly about like aliens and like supernatural stuff. I never cared as much about government conspiracy theories or like, you know, the JFK stuff or the Princess Diana. You ever go into Holy War? No, I don't even know what that is. Well, it's all tied together.

All of them are tied together. But I feel like somewhere around like 2015 and 2016 and you were probably calling it with like it's the rise of q anon yeah conspiracies got really lame and they've gotten really really messed up in a in a lot of ways obviously people really really believe them because i feel like social media just spreads these conspiracy theories like wildfire and to be honest it's the same as if you're watching like a true crime documentary you watch it you're like wow did you know that this happened it's like yeah but did you

know who wrote that documentary it's biased like remember fire festival like yeah like there i remember there was two documentaries about fire festival and it was like okay but which one is written by the people who put on fire festival like so it's like you you really have to you have to dig to do your research but when you're online you don't do that you just look and you go whoa but the problem also nowadays with the internet is you try to do your own research but they're they're all conspiracy theories where like that's why at this point i'm like you gotta kind of be skeptical of everything. Because the more you absolutely believe something, I do think there's a danger to it. That's my own personal belief.

I can't tell people how to live. But what's sad is I feel like conspiracy theories are bigger than ever. But in my mind, they're lamer than ever. Back when I was big into it like it was not it was not on the mainstream and i would find these forums and stuff but it was always about aliens and i i loved alien stuff and it was like here's these sightings and here's here's what this craft is like and here's how they're hiding among us and i'm like that's cool because it it's just purely like there are aliens out there and we know that they

visited us um i dabbled i didn't care too much but i love cryptid stuff like bigfoot and loch ness and things like that i love that i'm like that monsters but dude i'm telling you growing up my dad was so into all of this he still is but like But, like, even when we were kids, we would go to this island every summer to vacation. And every night, he would talk about Bigfoot, but he talked about the Greys. Ever heard of the Greys? Yes. Tell us about the Greys. My dad, and you should probably sit down and hang out.

I would love to just talk with him. My dad is, and the way he talks about it, because he went to Brown, he's a computer engineer. No, he's super educated. He watches YouTube videos on quantum physics for fun, at the beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the beach. He's in the certain cusp of research shows.

There's certain points of susceptibility. He is at one specific point, which is the highly educated group that is susceptible. Highly educated, and i love listening to him like my dad and i we have such a fun relationship but growing up he talked about the greys which are aliens come on on earth um who disguise themselves i i only know what other people say and everyone says a little extra addition. So to me, so we would be sitting on the island in like a little house, and we'd sit, and it's all dark. And he'd be like, look for the eyes of the greys.

So his idea was like greys would like walk Earth to like check out what everyone's doing, what's going on, what the new technology is. But they would be like kind of masked as like things that we would recognize. Why is that lamp walking around? They're not going to know I'm here. I would go to bed, and my imagination was already always going, but I grew up in a very – because both my parents met in a psych ward. They weren't going there. They were there teaching.

And that place is now closed down so kids could go scare themselves on the East Coast. Oh, that's cool. it's called devver but um so i grew up with all of this like otherworldly stuff but the grays i'll never forget because i was always like looking out for grays and then on top of it we had an au pair we had au pair i wouldn't call them au pairs there were 19 year olds from norway who would watch us because my parents would work all the time. What's an au pair? Au pair is like a live-in nanny. Oh, okay.

But they weren't a live-in nanny. They were just 19-year-olds who wanted to be in America, and my mom took them in, and they took care of us. But they had their own version of the grays, but they were fucking trolls. That's awesome. They were like Norwegian trolls. So they always said, like, if you were doing something, you know, kind of bad, if you were walking in the forest, turn around quickly and you would find trolls, like, hiding behind trees watching you. Awful.

So I grew up with the old Norwegian trolls, the fucking greys. So I'm walking around this earth. Oh, my sister's obsessed with Bigfoot. She's like, they're real. He's real. You got to find him. And I was like, okay. Is Bigfoot just one or it's not just one guy?

No, it's like deer. It's a bunch of deer. It's like deer. There's just a bunch of them. There are tons of giant primates in America. Is that what she believes? I think that's what she believes. I think it's also she doesn't fully live and die by Bigfoot.

I think it's a fun thing. But she's definitely tried to look for Bigfoot. I think it's like a fun thing, but she's definitely tried to like look for Bigfoot. Bigfoot's a very fun conspiracy. That's my, it's, I would say Bigfoot's probably my favorite conspiracy because it has no ramifications upon society whatsoever. He's just chilling. Other than all you're saying is

there are gorillas in America. That's all you're saying. And I kind of love it. Like, I think your sister, I think that's code for doing mushrooms in the forest like I think you gotta ask a little deeper She's like oh yeah, we're gonna go hunt for Bigfoot this weekend. No my sister like doesn't even like drugs She genuinely I think because she was around my dad so much that you go around my dad You're like I feel like I'm tripping and my dad does not do drugs. He's just always in that state

Graze or that yeah, they're like aliens. So there's there's like a bunch of different types of aliens that people mention. What the? Maybe. Yaya? Yaya? Okay, so clearly Noah is not the conspiracy person. Amanda is the conspiracy person. I'm just a listener.

I just listen. I love this shit. I remember in regards to Bigfoot, I do have family who over the years, this is forever ago, but over the years been very fascinated in conspiracy theories. And one time I was camping up in the woods in the mountains in Colorado with a bunch of family. And it was late at night and we're all around the campfire. And one of my relatives is talking about Bigfoot and all these Bigfoot stories that he's heard, which is the coolest place to talk about Bigfoot. It's also the worst place to talk about Bigfoot. But, and look, I am not an expert.

I am also not saying this stuff is real. I am just telling you what he was telling me then. And he was talking about how he's like, yeah, there's a story of this woman. She got out of her tent and there was a Bigfoot with an adolescent, like a child Bigfoot nearby, and they both... They're making babies? With a little

Bigfoot. With a little Bigfoot. And they both backed away into the woods, that they are very camouflaged, and something that he's like, and people say, if there's Bigfoot all over, how come we haven't found remains? And he's like, when do people come across bear remains? And I was like, when do people come across bear remains?

And I was like, oh, that's a good point. Way. Yeah, because stuff doesn't last that long in the woods. That's how conspiracy theories remain true. Yeah, they, like, throw something to you that's like, I've never thought about that, but, like, what do you mean? But I think the problem is – How often do I find a deer carcass?

First off, that's true. Like, you don't come across like carcasses get eaten so fast that yeah evidence might be hard my issue with conspiracy theories i'm gonna say this now before we delve into them further is that so fun is that and what's fun about it is the same reason why i also don't actively believe in them too intensely is that you'll find yourself listing a bunch of things to prove yourself right and you'll go oh but this this clearly proves it and what about this but the scientific method and like if you're truly trying to prove something right you're going to try to

prove yourself wrong and you're going to look at try to like look at the justifications of why okay but if this is true then this should also be true. And we're not seeing that. And you can have so much fun in proving yourself right all the time and looking at all these. But isn't that weird? And isn't that weird? But it's like there's a lot of weird things. And ultimately, and this is like if I ever go and get my doctorate or a master's in psychology, this is the psychology book I want to write. Because I think this is what we're seeing with conspiracy theories, I think, are now

getting very dangerous nowadays. Yeah. They're very bad. They're making people do things. And they've gotten dumber. And they're getting dumber and dumber. Yeah. Because Aliens is cool.

Because it's like, yeah, there's a whole universe out there. We don't know a lot of stuff. But it's now getting to where people are like, you know, flat Earth has made its way. Well, you know, there are children in the basement in New York at a pinball. Exactly. It's getting really dangerous and there's a lot of bigotry tied in with it. A ton of it. But

I would write this book. This would be my thesis. And it's called The Wisdom of Stupidity. And the point is that we are all stupid. We're all stupider than we realize. Because there's just too much shit in the world for us to be smart on everything but because we have the internet everyone thinks they're really smart about everything now everyone thinks they know everything and that's so dangerous

and it's okay to acknowledge that we're human and that we're stupid but where i see so many conspiracy theories come from is go is people going this doesn't make sense to me therefore there must be something weird about this like it doesn't make sense to you because you're stupid on that thing and that's okay i am too yeah we all don't understand how the world is designed i'm not a scientist yeah so yeah if i walked out and i go it looks flat it's clearly to me like this must be and it's like no that's because I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. And that's okay.

That's okay. Yeah, because aliens know what's actually happening. Right? Yeah, they get it. But they're actively molding the curve. Yeah, I feel like that's the magic. I just think people get so scared of not being in control that they need to know. So they need to really

web sleuth it. They need to come up with all these things to explain things. I get it. I do the same thing. But at a certain point, you have to sit back and go, this is just magic. This is just aliens. No, I'm just kidding. Aliens are just magic. Yeah. And look,

I'm very open-minded, and I still, to this day i and the problem is i actively want aliens to be yeah and i have to also acknowledge that and recognize that i'm biased and that if i see a video of something weird i'm gonna be like my brain is gonna be like man that might be aliens that that they're they're out there yeah And I want to believe it, but I'm also like, there's an infinite amount of shit I don't understand and know. Mm-hmm. So there's also probably weird stuff out there and happening around us that we haven't even

comprehended. There's probably stuff that's weirder than aliens. Oh, definitely. We just don't, we haven't even popped the question. You know what I mean? Dude, real life is always weirder than aliens. That's the one thing that I love to do whenever I talk about conspiracy theories with anyone, because I'm always interested in it because it's super fun.

Literally, it's fun to talk about aliens, even if I think what you're saying is ridiculous. It's so much more interesting. People are like, oh, how do we build the pyramids if it's not aliens? It is so much more interesting to say, what if a whole bunch of people straight up figured out how to move hundreds of thousands of tons of limestone and underneath the limestone is like marble or whatever material that is so much more complex and difficult to do than an alien coming And just beaming something like you are missing the awe-inspiring intelligence and majesty that is humans Yeah

Like you're missing where you come from because they are as smart, if not smarter than you, because look what they did. And all you could think was, oh, they had to have an alien. It's impossible. It's impossible that they did that. Yeah. Like humans have done crazy shit. Like it's possible. It's totally possible. But I think people get really upset when they can't control how something is done. So they have to make up ways to kind of control it. I'm literally the same. I'm like, why did that happen to me? And you come up with all these things. And you're like, oh, maybe because I did this, I did this.

But in general, some things just don't make sense. Yeah. And I think the accepting part is really hard. It's getting bad, though. And it's getting bad in obviously the dangerous ways, as I said, where people are justifying reasons to hate people or going, oh, these people are actually evil. It's like you're basing it off of nothing other than probably just that inside you already didn't like them. So you're finding justifications and you're finding all the reasons that yes, and you're finding like-minded people. Yeah, witch hunts.

I hate witch hunts. But I'm also seeing really dumb ones scientifically. And you know, flat earth has been around a long time, but I'm seeing ones that I'm like, that are making flat earth look real good. I saw a lady, this went kind of viral. And granted like Twitter is a place where all of the most insane people congregate.

But there was a woman who took a photo of the sun and she was saying, she was like, I'm telling you, the sun looks different now than it did 30 years ago. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Maybe it does. And in that same thread,

she was also talking about how, I forget what it's called, it's sun gazing. That sun gazing is good for you. Looking directly at the sun. Oh, of course. And I'm like, you've really gotten here where you're trying to convince people

and you've convinced yourself that staring directly at the sun is good for you. Where did you come up with that? Like, what is that? You know that that's not good. You can test that theory by looking at the sun and it hurts immediately now she has now she has a platform and rather than just telling her on her family at like a party now she has a platform that people can listen to

and people like my mom believes that but i still haven't yet seen it she fully believes that, but I still haven't yet seen it. She fully believes it, that when the sun goes down over the ocean, that right when it goes down, you see a green flash. Have you guys heard this? My mom fully believes that you see a green flash when the sun sets. I mean, I suppose that could be a real thing of just light. I have searched every sunset. I'm like, green flash, green flash. Someone over here is nodding. Brennan's nodding.

Is it a real thing? It's a phenomenon that happens in the Pacific. Okay, so it's a real thing. So why is she having me look at the Atlantic Ocean on it? Yeah. Brennan's saying

it happens in the Pacific. Okay. That doesn't sound that crazy, though. Look for the green flash. That's not that crazy. I know, but when you... That's like the Northern Lights. When you grow up with my mother and father,

you'll be like, what? Is anything real? They've also gotten insane, and I see it happen with the Avril Lavigne conspiracy theory. Have you heard that? That she's dead and someone's taken her over? And I've been thinking about that one a lot, because I'm like, the world?

Some secret organization decided it's like, and look, I love Avril Lavigne. Big Avril Lavigne fan. Gator boy. But celebrities, like all humans, sometimes pass away. But the concept that when Avril, if in this conspiracy theory, Avril Lavigne passed away and some organization or something was like, no. The world needs to believe that Avril Lavigne is still around, even though she's not making as much music anymore.

She still eyes her hair straight. Yeah, it's like, wait, why specifically her? Because she's a spy now. But once you start throwing it out there, people just start pointing all these connections and stuff. It's like, yeah, you can prove anything to be true. It's telephone. It is a game of telephone. And I witness it with us here at Smosh

as well. And people just sometimes, oftentimes it comes from a misunderstanding. Sometimes people just straight up lie. And people just love to lie on the internet. It's crazy. There was one comment I saw,

and I've seen many iterations of this, but someone was like, yeah, no, I'm pretty sure that Damien and Shane confirmed that they've been in a relationship before together. And I was like, you're just saying that. Yeah, they're just saying that in that phrasing. But now anyone who sees that comment goes, oh, they confirmed it. Okay, so yeah, Shane and Damien dated at one point.

And I'm like, you just created a thing. And people don't believe it. And then what happens is people watch the videos. Like, they thought me and Angela were fighting forever. And they interpret it away. Oh, my god. Look at her face. It's like when you go on Instagram and they zoom in on a conference of celebrities.

And the celebrity's like, doing this, and they're like, oh my god, she was so mad at her. The Harry Styles little spit. I hate when other people do that. I do, but I'm gonna say it. I am so guilty of that. We are all actors, and I think whenever

we see things, I think that, at least I'll speak for myself, even when I watch television or anything, I'm always watching from a place of motivation. So when someone does something, I interpret it like what motivated them to do it. I don't necessarily see the action they did first, if that makes sense. So when I see certain things, I look at the motivation as to why something was done. And then I start thinking, okay, it could have been a, it could have been B or like, it could have been C. Like, what if it's like, whoa, I think it might be, whoa, guys, it could have been A, it could have been B, or, like, it could have been C. Like, what if it's, like, whoa, I think it might be, whoa, guys, I think, like, they're doing this

because there might be some trouble. Like, I think something, whoa, I think there's a relationship issue occurring, and then there is. That's why you're a true conspiracy theorist. Yes, because I love that sort of, like, investigation. Yeah, I think that's what it is. I think to be a conspiracy theorist,

you have to, like, love, like, okay, but why? Which is, like, I think to be a conspiracy theorist, you have to like love like, okay, but why? Which is like, I think all of us here, like your book sounds like it's like, you come from like who does it, but like, it's also like, why do they do it? Right? Right. And I think it's, I think it also comes from a place, as you said, it's a place of control. It's a place of reassuredness of like and for me when I was big into conspiracies I recognized eventually that I'm like I don't feel great about myself

or my trajectory I'm nervous about failing and not doing much with my life and so if aliens are real or if ghosts are real or if some sort of supernatural stuff is real then my life can't be a failure

because I'm part of something so big and magical and cool if none of it is real then oh man then my life can't be a failure because I'm part of something so big and magical and cool. If, if none of it is real, then, oh man, I, I'm just,

this is just nothing. And I'm lame, but that's also stupider. Wait, I'm having major deja vu right now. You've said this before to me? Maybe. That's when you've died in a past life because you pooped too hard.

No, yeah. No, it's not. You're going to wake up and it's going up and we're going to be reliving this. But I also recognize that, as you kind of said, real life is already so insane

that I'm like, oh, this is me just not loving myself and not loving my life and not loving the world that I'm in even if none of these things are true. Now, I fully acknowledge that I'm like, there are probably so many insane things that are real that I am unaware of or that I cannot comprehend.

I do believe that. But I still go about any single thing that I get shown or I see on the internet with skepticism because I'm like, I want it to be real. So I'm going to be skeptical until – in order to tear everything away and see that it's real. But isn't it like, you know, belief and hope? Isn't it like what you believe in, you make it real kind of vibes? I feel like that's why some conspiracy theories or some fun things are fun. It makes me feel good to know that there's a Bigfoot family with little Bigfoot walking around and living.

As long as it's not hurting specific people. That's why I'm like, I try to have a universal, I try to think universally of this mindset that is healthy across the board because, you know, when people really, really believe some of these conspiracy theories

and then they act upon it, it can be so bad. And that's why I'm like, hey, have a little element of doubt don't don't go about acting out anything definitely there's nothing wrong with being like yeah of course religion and all of that we're talking about bigfoot bigfoot is is the funniest one to me because i'm like it's harmless like oh go out to the woods and look for bigfoot like that's funny but almost any others especially nowadays, it always boils down to wanting to hurt

someone else. Step on a crack, break your mother's back. Did you guys grow up with that one? What the hell? I still will avoid cracks. I still will avoid cracks too. You know the one I do believe? This is one that's weird that I do believe. That mattress stores

are all a front. You've mentioned this before. There are so many. And I guess there was, I was reading, there was a Reddit post from a few years ago where someone pointed out that there was an insane amount of mattress stores. This is like somewhere in like Philadelphia. It's somewhere on the East Coast

where there is just an absurd amount of mattress stores all in one location where it's like, wait, how are there so many? Underground tunnels. Right here. Dude. But a lot of people are like, oh, it's a drug front. What are you saying? No, no. See, it's a mattress store because they come in by plane and they drop the drugs and so you need it to

safely, or else the cocaine will land and it'll poof. It bounces on the mattresses. But I have never been inside a mattress store. You haven't? No. They're a blast. But there's so many. There's so many. How are people?

I like that conspiracy. How are they staying afloat? I like it. I like it too, but also people need beds. Yeah, but you don't buy beds every year. This is, look, these are the real conspiracies where it's like that could be some real thing because what really happens in the world,

and this is something I had to explain crypto to someone who was really into crypto. And they were like, yeah, I know it's down now. But eventually, it'll go up. How long was that conversation? I don't mind talking to people. Because I'm not the smartest person in the room. But I like to just talk with people.

Because it's like, we'll come up with the answer. It's just usually when we come up with the answer, it's just usually like your initial dumb idea was dumb. You know? I'm not trying to be mean. But like, Dogecoin's at like 0.004 cents or whatever. I promise it's not about to be $1.30. Well, I mean, it goes up with time, right?

No, it's not how money works. Usually you need people to use money in order for it to be seen as value. It doesn't really matter. Now I know exactly how that conversation went. Thank you for that preview. But essentially with crypto or possibly mattress stores or even luxury real estate in London or New York or Los Angeles, a lot of it is it's not like conspiracy, but it's tax evasion and moving money offshore because a lot of people that are rich in other countries, their money is not as valuable as the U.S. dollar.

The U.S. dollar is strong for a specific reason because it's accepted everywhere. It's never going to go up or down. Our government doesn't say, hey, tomorrow it's going to be worth 50 cents, you know, or tomorrow it's going to be worth a dollar and 50 cents. We don't say you can't have your money today because we don't like your politics. You know, it's only if you like break some extreme law. So essentially people who live in places that don't have laws like that, Russia, China, you know, anywhere else that's similar, that might be a lot more restrictive.

Someone who's a business person who makes millions of dollars because they own a factory, but the only reason they own a factory is because they're in with the local politics and the local whatever government they could take it away at any time you don't take a breath they say great i have 10 million dollars but i have 10 million dollars in the local currency that can inflate deflate whatever it makes much more sense for me to take this 10 million dollars turn it into 8 million dollars of usd and then go and buy a super fancy property that will always be worth money. And then in 10 years when I want to leave the country and raise children, or in 10 years when I'm a political prisoner running away, I can sell this property

or that's where the money is. Essentially, it's a safer thing than your local banking system. It's the same thing with crypto, which is like, great, you want to put into crypto. Well, there's someone who has money that's illegal money that they are exchanging into legal money, just in the meantime, you're using the fake money in the middle. So you take your real dollars, you turn it into doge, and someone who's got bad dollars,

turn it into doge. I didn't know I was gonna be signed up for this. Yeah. Crypto combo. But this is like the real, like when people are like conspiracies, like this is the real stuff that like actually is making people lose. And another conspiracy that I just learned, I don't actually have the facts, like when people are like conspiracies, like this is the real stuff that like actually is making people lose. And another conspiracy that I just learned, learned, I don't actually have the facts behind it, but apparently Colorado is the leading place for the cartels to launder cash.

That's your family. My family. Yeah, the reason is because the United States doesn't allow the federal banking of money made through the sale of marijuana. So all states that sell marijuana legally, it's done in cash or there's like a local state law that allows them to bank it or bank a certain amount, whatever it is. So in Colorado, they don't have the same state laws as California, which the same thing can happen in California. It's just easiest in Colorado. So what they do is they take their cash and they open up a store and the, either the state of Colorado allows the state

to take the cash and act like the United States Bank. So instead of the federal government. This is Noah's girlfriend when he does this. Yeah, really, really, really. This is how you know that I'm like. Do you go to bed? Like Google it, Google it. Babe, we got to order.

Babe, we have to order. What do you want? You will pay for the weed and cash. And then the state will go to the business and say, I know that you can't have this much cash on hand. So we will take it. And here's a voucher for money. You know, here we'll legally bank it in the state of Colorado But that money isn't legally banked by the US government

So they're able to take money that would have been traced by the federal government Oh God, they're able to take The the scam is the same way that you would wash money in any other business, but it's very easy to do in Colorado through legal weed because it's all cash. Or it's just aliens coming down. You know what I do? This does remind me, though, is I think also the unfortunate truth is that a lot of conspiracies. We're all stupid and I'm stupid? Well, no.

I mean, yes. But a lot of conspiracies, there are a lot of real conspiracies out there. And of course the government is screwing us in so many ways. It's always dumber and lamer than you want it to be. Totally. Like when people talk about like the Illuminati, it's like there's no Illuminati. They're just in front of you doing it. Taking your money.

And they're just, they're saying it. Like they're just deliberately. Did I tell you guys when I hung out with the Freemasons in Vermont? Do you, can you talk about this on the podcast? Yeah, I can talk about this. Okay. Because they wanted me to join.

They tell you how to join. You almost became a Freemason? I, so I was in Vermont because I won a trip on the Price is Right, and the last time that I was in this little town. And it was Vermont, the trip? Yeah. I love Vermont.

Vermont, it's my favorite state. Oh my God, the best apples in the world i ate a vermont apple off a tree i was in i want to say it was waitsfield okay waitsfield it's a specific place called the inn at the round barn farm super nice it's like a wedding venue spot but that's where we got to stay but you little town so how did you meet the freemasons so in a lot of towns and i'm sure this is all over the east coast but there's signs when you go and it says, like, free accepted Masons when you walk into the towns or drive into them. And so you're like, oh, okay, who cares? But right when you would turn to go up to where we were staying,

there was the Freemason Lodge in the town, and it was some run-down, like, piece-of-shit building. Like, it didn't look like anyone was there, but there was a sign that was like, oh, come hang out on our free enrollment, whatever. So the last day we were staying in that town before we went to

a different town, I decided to knock on the door. I was like, you know what, fuck it, let me knock on the door. Why not? I've never met the Freemasons.

You decided to just go to the Freemason Lodge. Yes, yes. This is not, yes I am. And knock and be like, hey, are you the Illuminati? And I was like,

Tiffany, do you want to come with me? And she was like, no, I don't think they let girls in. And I was like, oh, I think you're right. So I Googled something. They don't. From what I understand, they don't. Again, his girlfriend's was like, Tiffany, do you want to come with me? And she was like, no, I don't think they let girls in. And I was like, oh, I think you're right. So I googled something. They don't.

From what I understand, they don't. Yeah, they don't. Again, his girlfriend's just like, Really? Fine. I don't even want to go. On the way to the place, it was like a nine minute drive. So I googled a video explaining the Freemasons,

because I don't really know much. And in those nine minutes, I gathered Temple of Solomon, special chamber that's a square. There's two pillars. One represents the earth, and one represents the sky. And it's all based in early Judaism to some degree. That's all I gather to some degree. From what I read back in the day when I did look into Freemason stuff,

one of the only rules I knew is you had to be a man, but you also have to believe in a higher power. It doesn't matter what religion, but you just have to believe in a higher power. It doesn't matter what religion, but you just have to believe in a god. Because they all believe that they're speaking to the same god, if that makes sense. Because they're all monotheistic. Why don't they want women there?

There's a different group called the Star. Of course, they're like Sparkles. Yeah, really. Sparkle squad. Sparkle pink squad, get it girl. So I knocked on the door and I entered and there was just this old guy sweeping, but there was tables being set up.

And so I was just like, hey, and he didn't turn around. And I was like, hey, I wanted to just learn about the Freemasons and talk to you. He was like, oh, if you come back in 15 minutes, the Grand Master's going to be here, and you can talk to him. He's like, help me. Help. Yeah.

Well, as I was leaving, an old woman came around the corner, and she was like, oh, hello, do you remember me? And I looked at her. Do you remember me? Yeah, yeah. Well, as I was leaving, an old woman came around the corner, and she was like, oh, hello, do you remember me? And I looked at her. Do you remember me? Yes, and I did. Five days earlier, the first day I was in Vermont, I went to a local coffee shop, and there was a group of old women,

and I had colored hair, and they stopped me, and they were like, hey, we want to look at your hair. We're talking about it. Can we talk to you? And so they saw my hair. I talked to them, told them I was from California, whatever. I think you were in the Truman Show for a second. So I'm telling you.

So this old lady, you know, whomever, was there. And she was like, oh, hi. You know, nice to meet you, whatever. Yeah, so I come back in 15 minutes. And there's this older guy, Hank. You know, he's much younger than the other two. But by much younger, he's like 62. Yes, perfect name.

Hank's got a limp. Like, one of his legs is like a club or something. Clown off or something? Yeah, who knows? It's, you know, whatever. And so we a limp. Like one of his legs is like a club or something. Of course he does. Clown off or something. Yeah, who knows? It's, you know, whatever. And so we come in and I say hi. And, you know, he said, hi, I'm Hank. You know, you wanted to meet us?

And I said, yes. I opened strong and said, hi, my name is Noah. I'm from Los Angeles. I'm in the entertainment industry and I'm Jewish. A lot of people think that I'm in the Freemasons or a part of the Illuminati. I'm not a part of you guys, but I'd love to learn about this organization. And so he laughed and he said, well, you know who we are, right? or a part of the Illuminati. I'm not a part of you guys, but I'd love to learn about this organization. And so he laughed and he said,

well, you know who we are, right? And I said, yeah, yeah, I know. You know, the Temple of Solomon, the two pillars, you know, the sky. And he's like, and the earth, and the earth, good, good. So you know, and he starts listing off all these things. And I'm just like, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. And he's like, great, let me give you a tour.

We are in the oldest fucking building ever. I swear to God. He told me it's from 1822. It's the first general store building in the town. This thing has been through 13, 14 floods. Like, nothing fits. Everything looks like shit. I mean, like, there must be mold everywhere.

This place is disgusting. The hitchhiking ghost from Haunted Mansion are there. Really? Yes. And I'm telling you, these people control the world, right? Like, the tables are setting up, which I'm happy that the old people have like a place to be. But like it's like paper plates. Like there's not even tablecloths on these wooden tables that are like the foldable ones.

It looks like they're at public school that I went to, like in LAUSD. Like it's like this is sad. You don't control the world. But, you know, on the wall is all the people. There's someone all the way back from like 1788. He was like the first one of their like lodge members. Hank starts talking to me. He's like, you know, the guy who was sweeping. He was just joking. He's actually the one of their like lodge members. What? Hank starts talking to me. He's like, you know the guy who was sweeping?

He was just joking. He's actually the son of the last Grand Mason of the town. And I was like, oh, he's like, yeah, he just didn't want to talk to you about stuff. But he was taking me on tour. He's like, let me show you the basement. So I followed him into the basement. The original generals. Noah, don't follow strangers into the basement.

But guys, this is how the Freemasons lived. The original 1822 basement. The layer of dust on these original stone walls. I mean, it was gross. There's no running water. All the pipes are broken. I mean, it looks like rats give birth places. There's random artifacts and knickknacks that like, you know, with the right lighting, you'd be like, oh my God, it's the Declaration of Independence here.

Cut to your girlfriend up in like. Yeah, she's literally like, yeah. She's eating and drinking. And I'm like trapped in this fucking stone basement. But really, with the lights on, it looks like the worst place. So we go back up to the main floor and he's like, hey, do you wanna go up to the ceremonial chamber? And I'm like, oh, of course, show me.

To be sacrificed. Who knows, who knows. So we go up the stairs, these thin ass stairs. And there's one of those chairs that, you know, for old people, that's like automatic. Like goes really slow, right? The Freemasons in this town. That's the only technology they have in there. Yeah.

And so as we're going up and remember, Hank like has a bad leg and he's like really old. I was like, oh, wow, you guys got that installed? And he goes, yeah, we just got it last week. He goes, I had to install it. I was like, oh, that seems hard. And he's like, yeah, you's gonna be harder and i said what he goes taking it back out fire department says the stairway's too thin so hank's gotta undo himself himself yeah they're not the illuminati they're not they're not controlling anything

everyone's controlling them they're like we don't get a say like guys these people control the fucking world and so we go up to the special chamber room. And before the special chamber room, there's a waiting room. And this is what he says to me verbatim. He says, this is where you wait before you come into your first ceremony to become a Freemason. It's usually cold in Vermont, so we plan a big meal beforehand because there's a lot of waiting outside in this room. We like to do beans. So this Freemason, you eat beans before you become a Freemason, I guess.

Beans is their food of choice. We walk in the chamber. I promise you it's like you're in the Titanic. It's like fluffy carpet. There's like a couple layers, different chairs, different like symbols and knickknacks. He starts talking about them. You see things that you see in art all the time that you're like, oh, this is what that means. This is what that means.

He starts explaining things to me. You know, this is this and this is that. It's all based on the ancient uh i don't know i'm gonna say eritrean that's not the word that's an active type of people now but it's like these weird ancient words yes but he told me this he said uh uh because i saw on half the room was different artifacts that look similar and i was like oh what are those and he said that belongs to a different group that we rent out our space to because we don't have enough members. It's the Sparkle Gang it made Zumba appear. There are two rival

Illuminati-esque cults that rent out the same space because they're too poor to have their own clubhouses I can't That's the fucking Freemasons And with that It's so funny people think the Freemasons are like this elite. Apparently it the Freemasons are like...

Apparently, it's different group to group. Like, there might be a strange one, but it's in no way a connected organization. But that Freemason group is just chilling, eating beans. The American Legion is scarier. I promise you. Noah, it has been a fucking journey with you. Sorry.

No, not sorry. I felt like I was there with you holding your hand. Like, that was amazing. I can't I was there with you holding your hand. That was amazing. I can't believe we decided on the topic of conspiracy theories and I had no idea that you had visited. Yeah, I don't think I've ever told that story. Nearly became a Freemason. It doesn't sound like at any point you were planning on joining. Oh, no. But if you want to

join, you literally Google your city and Freemasons. And then there's an email. And then you email them. Any chapter. He said, wherever you live, there's an email. And then you email them. Any chapter. He said, wherever you live, there's an email. So they just hang out and eat beans. Yeah. In Vermont.

In Vermont they hang out and eat beans. In Vermont because it gets cold, man. You need beans. You need some beans. So weird. Noah, thank you for being here. Noah, thank you for being here. Thanks for having me, guys. Anytime.

Guys, this was Smoshcast. Our next episode comes out on Monday. Yeah. Next, dude. next episode is going to be really good. We are making Angela write the worst sketch possible and we're all going to write terrible sketches. So excited. This was Smoshmouth. Yeah.

That's what it is. Smoshmouth. Deal with it. You brought back the callback? Bye. Bye.