Smosh Mouth - S1: #16 - Coming Out, Dating & First Kisses | The Pride Pod

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

Courtney, Staff Writer Monica Vasandani, and MemeLord Tommy Bowe kick off Pride Month by having an open conversation about what coming out was like for them, finding their place in the LGBTQ+ community, and their awkwardly sweet first kisses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. When you want to bet on sports played on a field or ice or course BetRivers is the place Over, under, money lines

Same game, parlays, it's all fine You'll put a smile on your face Bet on the sports you love with that river sports book take a chance must be 19 plus available in ontario only please play responsibly if you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact connects ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge ramble When I came out on that episode, I hadn't told my dad yet. Having the curiosity in the acceptance is the gay agenda. Smosh doesn't have an amazing track record with portraying gay people or gay characters.

That's a really nice way to put it. Not amazing. She comes booming and she's like, oh my hello i used to hate you oh i literally never met her in my life oh even better got mine fresh out of the wash they're clean dry clean or did you know i get it yeah it shrinks every time a little nice i wish i could shrink mine guys welcome to the Smosh cast. We are here. This is a very special episode. Once again, I am not a white straight man with a beard. I am not any of those.

Wait, I'm white. I don't know. I just realized she's white. And I'm a man with a beard. You're the beard guy today. I'm the beard guy. Congratulations. Thank you so much. I worked really hard for this. That's the thing with Smosh. We always have to have a white guy with a beard you're the beard guy i'm the beard guy congratulations thank you so much i've worked really hard for this yeah that's the thing with smosh we always have to have a white guy with a

beard somewhere you're welcome everyone calm down we did it it's fine i did put one under the table in case a white man with a beard yeah yeah was that who's tickling me guys yeah this is a very special prideful episode of the Smoshcast. Quick thank you to Airbnb for sponsoring this episode. Today we have Tommy Bo, one of our lovely meme lords. And we have Monica Vasanandi. Oh, no, you're so close, but I'm not going to tell. Vasandani?

Yes. Vasandani? Yeah, okay, that's good enough. Why don't you tell us? Vasandani. Vasandani. Vasandani, okay. okay. That's good enough. Why don't you tell us? Vasandani. Vasandani. Vasandani, okay.

Yeah, we did it. I had her, I had Monica in my phone for the longest time as Monica Van Sandy. Oh, I love that. I was like, that's a cute last name. I'm going to call you Van Sandy forever. Monica Van Sandy. Now you're Monica Vans. That's further away.

Yeah. All right. Great. We've done it. Yeah, yeah, we did it tommy is this your first podcast as a human being or here uh both as a human being no i've done a podcast or two in my day uh but uh here yes first time this table is not the size i thought it was really did you think it was bigger yeah i thought it was like the biggest table I've ever seen. Really? I could fit this in my pocket. It's a tiny little guy

but the legs on it are huge and like in the way. They're very obtrusive. Always in the way. Yeah. But yeah, so it's Pride Month guys

and so we brought our three the top queers. Yeah. Yeah, top smash queers. We did it. It's us. The only top queers. everyone else is just below us yeah well i killed one really yeah but it's not a hate crime because

yeah that works oh that's awesome guys it wasn't until this last year that i actually fully kind of got to know you guys i'm excited that you're on here because I love you both, obviously, but it was like, it took me a while to open up and get to know you guys. I remember back in the day, you were sitting, it was Josh, Sarah, Marissa, then you all the way in the back in the cubicles. How did it feel being in the back of that old office?

It sucked. Yeah, and then you were also even more in the back in the writer's room. Yeah, I was definitely in the weird corner, and Tommy was like my secretary sitting outside our office. I never let anyone see you. I always said you were busy. I appreciate that. Per your request.

Yeah, but you never made any of my appointments. Per request that's true you're free forever you guys definitely felt really far away emotionally and physically yeah but uh we're here we're close we did it and uh yeah yeah the vibe's totally different in the new office yeah it's great it's so nice how close everyone is yeah like just in we're all just it's basically one room but yeah i feel very honored hosting this in general but also hosting it for a pride themed episode as people have listened hopefully to the episode i recently came out as quote unquote not straight and i've sought a lot of guidance from you guys and learned some really fun stories and i would love for the people listening or watching to hear some too and i feel like there's more i want to know about you guys because i feel like there's some things i feel kind of alone on and or like that i don't like know are normal you

never know something's relatable until you bring it up so you know yeah um but yeah or you assume it's relatable and then you find out it's not, which is a nightmare situation. That's most of the time for me, unfortunately. But, yeah, that was bad. Actually, when I came out on that episode, I hadn't told my dad yet. Oh, did he listen? Was it through the episode? Yeah, he listened. He found out through the episode.

Oh, boy. But my dad's a very easygoing guy. And I, like, thought that I'd made jokes about it and talked about it in the past. But I don't think I actually did. But he, like, reached out to me and it was awesome. Like I see him all the time. It was just, I slipped my mind. Did he take it well? Like what was his response? Oh yeah. He's just like, he just reached out and was like, Hey, love you. And I was like, Hey, I'm really sorry. I totally forgot to do that. Like that's, that sucks. Cause like, I know it's like a thing I'm, I'm, I'm embracing. I'm not like ashamed of, but like, I felt really bad. Cause it's like, I don't know, I called my mom and like embraced everything. And it's like a thing I'm I'm I'm embracing I'm not like ashamed of but like I felt really bad because it's like I don't know I called my mom and like embraced everything and it was

like a really like lovely moment and I didn't give my dad that moment oh no that felt kind of you're gonna have to reveal something else to him what I I don't know that's oh like oh I have to make it oh I have to make it up to him with something yeah okay I'll tell him I'm pregnant when I get pregnant and then i'll tell youtube and then my mom will find out through youtube okay if that ever happens yeah that'll even things out i mean i think the only answer is to get pregnant as soon as possible all right all right luckily we've brought in someone come on in oh he's under the table too that's the guy oh my god oh i think he's been trying to impregnate me. This whole time?

And for those who are just listening right now and can't see, I'm wearing a jumpsuit. Oh weird, I am too. Oh, that's so weird. That's so weird. It's cool that you've decided to adopt my signature look as of five weeks ago. Yeah, you bought this! This carefully cultivated look. Yeah, it's like, okay, so I'm actually wearingivia's jumpsuit from a photo shoot we actually just did and i really like it it's a little tight in the ass it looks great not the ass part i haven't checked yet it looks

real bad cool good thing i'm sitting down it looks really bad you were sporting this in the office for a while and i we were all immediately jealous yeah i was uh I was worried because I'm not one to take a chance. All my clothes are the same cut, just different colors. I get that. But I decided to try it, and everyone was very supportive. I love it. I like the army green on you. Thanks.

My jumpsuit was red in the photo shoot, but I stole the pink from Olivia because I just like pink. It looks good. It does look good. I stole the pink from Olivia because I just like pink it looks good yeah I wore it I think you know just to support my my uh and it's in honor of you Monica Tommy tell us about your jumpsuit um great uh my jumpsuit was in a photo shoot and I just don't have it anymore because the photo shoot was so fun. And I'm a superstar. Yeah, that's the story.

Sick, Tommy. That makes sense to me. Right? You bought that? Yeah, dude. Yeah, great. Because it's the truth. Great.

That was a good photo shoot. That was so cute. We got little school photos for everybody. That's cool. We all got to get a little profile shot. It was nice. This is unusual for me i saw it i love the look and it's something like i don't know where i'll wear this otherwise but because like i'm so weird with my style like i feel like i'm still figuring out like what i what works for me and what i like to wear in terms of like cuts like you said like yeah I something I've been working on and trying to

figure out is like I remember when I first started Smosh I was super insecure about it but like figuring out and working through like the masculine parts of my wardrobe or the feminine parts yeah because I definitely wear like sometimes I'll go super feminine like all out but then other times I feel like I'm wearing like a more like quote-unquote like butch type look where I'm wearing like a more like quote unquote like butch type look where I'm wearing like my flannels and my like baggier stuff I don't know I just it's fashion's crazy man yeah I've tried recently to no I mean not not this I look you look incredible dude what's up I always want to like throw a football uh but I don't know how I don't know how like I don't know how. Like, in the office every once in a while, I'll just, like, I'll throw on a pearls and, like, a turtleneck. Yeah, I love that. I loved that.

I did, too. But I only, I, you know, it's, like, with clothes, you gotta, like, you buy a little bit. And then eventually you have outfits. And I had, like, the two outfits that I got to be, like, I'm a queen today. And then I showed up and I was, like, ah. And I was, like, wow. And then the next day I showed up and I'm, like, hi, wow and then the next day I'm like hi I didn't shave it's just how it goes yeah I am I like I kind of want to be more feminine sometimes

um but lately I've been like putting my face on like my whole damn makeup um and I feel like a pretty little soft girl when I do that but But like, I've always wanted to do jewelry and stuff, but realize that I'm just too lazy to figure out what works where. So I just go button down some jeans, call it a day. It works. Yeah. I've just started to try, get used to jewelry again. Cause I, I never wear earrings, bracelets, nothing ever because usually I'm like scared I'm going to lose it if it's special or like it just gets in the way or it's annoying. But I've just started wearing like these little dainty necklaces, choker things. I'm going to wear chokers, I think.

Chokers are in. Yeah, dude. I feel like that's going to fit me. I feel like that's me now. I've decided. I actually ordered a 40 pack on Amazon. What? 40 pack.

It's $13. Like, what the heck? How many can you wear at a time? We're going to find out. Oh, Amazon. What? 40 pack. It's $13. Like, what the heck? How many can you wear at a time? We're going to find out. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. You got to stretch your neck out. Oh, my God.

Dude. Like doing those, like, I don't know. Like gauge things in the neck? Yeah. Yeah. Like coils on more and more. Yeah, let's do that. I think that's cultural appropriation probably.

I'm just going to call it Barbie neck. Okay. Okay. That works. I was very insecure about my fashion when I first started working here. Well you were like a full-on just child right? I was full-on child was like fully like thought I was 100% straight like I literally didn't start questioning that until late late 2015 maybe early 2016 was there something specific that brought that on I don't know because like when I started working in LA I was all sudden surrounded by so many different types of people and like I obviously they're they're gay people I mean like

just all different types of people where I grew up but like working in an office it's like okay we're all adults now and like understanding it was I was also understanding like different cultures like different cultures find different things funny there's different senses of humor different everything and as I understood that I was like okay like why have I been so dismissive of this certain type of part that like because and I think the fact that I was wondering that was already like the fact that like okay yeah there's definitely something I'm suppressing or I kept questioning it and just the fact that with my clothing I was so weird I've always been weird about my boobs like I lately like I just always wear sports

bras and like pack them down because I don't like I don't like that feminine part of me where it's just like bosoms like in the air like I'm mother nature hello um but back then I used to like try and like push him up and like do the whole thing I don't really like I didn't understand why I was doing it because I also was just super uncomfortable with my body you just feel like that's what you were supposed to be doing probably yeah I also I would wear I don't do it anymore I used to wear flannels around the waist solely because I was like I don't have hips like if I wear a flannel around my hips it makes me look a little more I have a little more around my hips, it makes me look a little more, I have a little more going on there.

Like it made me, at least made me feel that way. That's funny. Cause I've spent most of my life trying to hide my like hips and butt because I'm like, this is too feminine. I want to be more rectangular or just like a, just a cylinder with arms would be ideal. I want to be a tube too.

I'm at the point now where I'm very into my muscles. And so I like the curviness down below, all that. But up top, I want to be tight and just strong and brick. How buff do you want to be? Not much more than what I am now. Lately, it's just like i work out just to feel strong and less crazy i definitely use the gym to like stay docile like it keeps me safe so you don't rage yeah i like and i like what i used to when i was like back in my life was just shittier

like i would be at the gym just like pissed off and like pacing back and forth in between sets just like feeling that anger and like letting it out i had a lot built up so in your new gym routine is it less like are instead of like raging what are you using to like motivate yourself um that's i'm actually kind of dealing with that right now i like i listen to podcasts now while i work out was actually it's kind of problematic because i listen to funny podcasts so like i'll be mid crunch and like laugh and like have to like stop it's really embarrassing laughing at the gym to yourself i uh i listened to uh ian and pam's smoshcast episode while i was climbing uh and there was i just gave up on so many climbs i like, what's the point of finishing? It just felt bleak. Yeah.

It did. So not motivating. Lately, yeah, just in the gym, I don't feel, I'm bored at the gym now. I think I need to sign up for a class or something. I started taking boxing. Woof. I wanna do that.

Woof. It's so much fun because when I'm exercising, and fitness is like a weird gay thing in its own like gay man gay thing yeah so the struggle to fit into like the you've got to be fit and like and like you know yeah so like what do you so because i want to know i mean it's just like okay so i don't consider myself like the stereotypical gay person. No gay person is actually stereotypical. It's just like the general shell that everyone's like trying to squeeze into.

It's like a baseline or something. Exactly. Especially in LA because everyone's like actor-y, creative type. So it's like if I'm going to be on camera, I better be. I'm going to make 800 of those sounds today. But yeah, it's only recently have I been like, you know, if I keep, it's like pushing against a wall, trying to become something that you're like,

well, I should be this, I've gotta be this. And eventually that wall doesn't move. And then you go, why am I walking into a wall? And you go, maybe I should just like get healthy and not like be like I gotta be like abs and like so yeah boxing makes it uh easier because I don't have time to think that's great yeah because they're just like one two one two and you're like yeah I don't know that makes sense and you're learning how to beat ass yeah that's fun too it's like a it's a cool power trip I don't know yeah it's something like just getting strong like a, it's a cool power trip. I don't know. Yeah.

It's something like just getting strong. Like you, your bouldering and rock climbing is so cool. Like how often do you do that? It varies. I try to go two to three times per week, just like before work or something. How do you, how do you get the energy in the morning? I have to get up early anyway because of the little baby. Oh, little boobie.

Yeah, because he's up, and I try to get up and, like, help my wife get him out the door in the morning. So if I'm up anyway, then I might as well just go. So I literally was, in my mind, straight until 2016. So, like, I was so sure of it until, like, that year. I was like, okay, something's up, and then I was working on it until 2016. So, like, I was so sure of it until, like, that year. I was like, okay, something's up. And then I was working on it until then. How old were you guys when you, like, were like, oh, that's what I am? Like, in your head before coming out, before all that.

I was, like, a young kid. Like, I had a big old crush on Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I know she's a cartoon, guys, but that shell bra. Have you seen my type? Mostly comic book characters. Max from a goofy movie. Oh, yeah. Sexy.

So I, like, definitely always knew. I didn't know if I would eventually start being attracted to boys, so I left the door open for a little while. But it became clear to me when I, like, tried to date a boy that I'm like, oh, no, I don't like this at all. That's nice you at least gave him a chance. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you for giving us a chance. I'm jealous of him. What was that? It was one guy? I dated a couple guys. The longest was two weeks. Nice. That's really long.

Yeah. Usually just ghosting at the end of it. Wow. Because I wasn't comfortable enough to be like, and I don't know who wants to hear like, oh, I don't. It's not you. It's your gender entirely is disgusting to me. Sorry, Tommy. I mean, I get it.

No, men are not disgusting to me. I just don't want to, just not romantically. It's fine. Yeah. You gave them a shot. Yeah. They shot their shot. I tried.

And then I, I don't know. Yeah, I think I was like, oh, I'm full on gay, maybe around 19 or 20. But first kind of came out around 16. I remember thinking gay thoughts since I was like in elementary school. Like there was a moment in elementary school that I was like, that boy is cute. And I was like, what's that a moment in elementary school that i was like that boy is cute and i was like what's that like what's that thought and then you know through processing and kind of like exploring and stuff it was like probably like 13 or 15 i was like i think i'm gay but i just kind of like held on to it or you kind of do this weird you kind of make a weird loophole in your brain where it's like well i'm gay in this way but like

i'm gonna date women and then you just kind of create this weird like map that gets you out and i don't know i dated uh three women and all we did was kiss because i was not interested in anything else yeah you know yeah i feel like whenever I had those thoughts, however old I was, I just did not register them as that feeling. I think I just thought, like I still am like, whoa, do I like that girl's boots

or am I like checking out her legs right now? Like, I don't know. It's definitely like as a kid, I just never saw that like was an option to feel that. Right. Like I just was like, oh, like I just like her hair, like just dismissed it always. Yeah. You just like mentally an option to feel that right like i just was like oh like i just like her hair like just dismissed it always yeah you just like mentally defaulted yeah straight yeah because

that's you're like oh this works yeah and then i remember in middle school i think i've told this story before or was like right before middle school my first time my first kiss and my first makeout were both girls and i remember the first time I like it and it was both times it was like the other girl just like wanted to practice I don't know if like the word got out that like I was the girl that people could practice with because I got caught in that situation an alarming amount of times like day before middle school this girl was like let's let's try all these things and she like wrote wrote a bunch of things on papers and threw them in a bowl. And she, like, would want to try, like, different kisses and stuff like that.

That is, like, 12-year-old Monica's dream is to be the practice girl. But I was definitely not. Dude, it, and I didn't, like, see it. I think when the first makeout thing, because it was, like, the night before bar mitzvah and, like, our crushes were going to be there. And she, like, definitely was like, so what do you want to do? And it was like the night before bar mitzvah and like our crushes were gonna be there and she like definitely was like so what do you want to do and i was like i don't know she's like so what do you want to do and i was like you know practice kissing or something she's like yeah and then we're like okay and i felt i think i felt guilty after that one

i when i went back to my mom's house i was was like, and these were all sleepovers. It's like they have that stereotype of sleepovers. Like, yeah, it happens. But I remember going back to my mom's house and writing in my diary. Like, I was like, I can't believe I did this. God hates me. I drew a little heart with a knife through it and wrote my soul on the heart. And it was all on fire. Hell, yeah.

It's in my diary that we use for those diary videos. It's rough, but like, I think even a couple years later, I was like, that's not a big deal.

It happens all the time. It doesn't. Oh, shit. No, it doesn't. God's mad. I was waiting for that. I was like, I know what sleepovers are like.

Eventually, this is going to happen for me. And, nope. I don't know what it was. It's like this is going to happen for me. And nope. I don't know what it was. It's like girls were passing out. It's like, yo, you hear Courtney? You can practice kissing with her.

And then you can already experience for your first kiss with a boy. It felt like that's what it felt like. It's better than putting googly eyes on your hand. Yeah, or kissing your pillow. And I remember that girl. Okay, so this happened, I think, three girls. And we're, like, definitely three solid events where it happened. Like, I remember one, the last one was, it was Halloween.

And me and my friend were, like, we were hanging out with these boys. And they definitely wanted to kiss us. And we're, like, oh, my God. And I was, like, I'm so nervous. And she's, like, we should practice. And we, like, ran away to this park and like practiced for like two seconds and then came back and then we just ended up being scared and not kissing the guys like it never happened so i just kissed a girl for no reason you ran away to kiss a girl yeah i did i mean yeah what what

most straight women do is run away yeah i guess so um it's funny one of the so two of those girls actually had the same name i'll use i'll use a fake name um uh barbonica now you can use the real one because you said you were using a fake one yes barbonica um uh they both have the same name i think word got out that i kissed one of them and then one of them came up soon she was like in front of everyone she's like hey I heard you're telling people that we kissed and she's looking me and as you like and we didn't that did not happen I was like okay I didn't have any man-on-man gay kiss thing until I don't practice kissing boys don't practice kissing we go in blind that's why that's why men are horrible kissers oh no they ain't practiced uh but yeah

uh it wasn't until late high school that i had any kind of thing like that and boy does it click right yeah boy does it click you're just like oh yeah oh yes yes this is correct this is it it's like what was i doing sure bet on the sports you love with that river sports book Money lines, same game, Paul A's, it's all fine. You'll put a smile on your face. Bet on the sports you love with that river sports book. Take a chance. Must be 19 plus, available in Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. I want to know what that, your first kiss was. Gross. So my first, my first kiss or my first gay kiss? Different, totally different experiences. I kind of want to hear first gay kiss. First gay kiss.

There was, I will use a fake name as well. Barbonica. Barbonica. So me and male Barbonica. Barbonico. Barbonico. Barbonico. Barbonico. Thank you. C.

We both auditioned for a play and he got the part. Wow. And I got the understudy part. And then the theater teacher was like. Oh, weird. Gay dudes in theater. I know. Strange, right? So crazy.

The theater teacher was like, we should have given you the part and i was like i know i was like i know and so him and i met through this like weird like rivalry like problematic tension oh that's the best that's the best that's amazing we know that's the best yeah yeah so you know a little bit of flirting a little bit of this and that and then it was classic you know there's school you're in school i had helicopter parents so oh yeah that's where it all went down except for my sleepovers i was definitely not at school it was a uh it was school bathroom gross but uh that's that's where you got to do it that's great awesome yep little smoochies dude little gay smoochies um did you did he like accept that he was gay yeah he was more gay than i was okay because i had come out but i hadn't done anything yet so i was still like i was like i knew what i was per

se but i had never done and so it's like you it's like you know what you are, but you haven't experienced what you are yet. Yeah. And there's also like no one to talk to about that in most cases. Exactly. How do I go about like having a relationship like this? Exactly. Because you're like too new to the whole experience. You can't just be like, tell me about this and that.

Yeah. You're like, you're 12. That's literally how I feel like right now. Like I, since I still feel super new to this stuff, like I'm genuinely like, I want to know all of these things and just like, cause I'm not like fully gay, but I do like, there's still parts that like, I can still learn from both you guys and that stuff. So I'm like, I just like, I want to know everything. So I can like, I like just want to analyze it. And like, because I just feel like I'm very naive. And like, I feel like even I'm like asking the wrong questions. And like, do you, do you, are you able to flirt with women the same way you can flirt with men or close to it?

Probably. I feel like, I feel like my, not my persona, but, the way I flirt is definitely different with guys and girls. Like, I definitely, I think I act more masculine when I'm, like, but I haven't, like, I've never, like, flirted with a girl, like, deliberately. Like, not even yet. Like, maybe it was playful and, like, I wasn't actually, like, seeking anything out. Like, I'm still so freaking new to this. Like, ugh. It's, like, I haven't even, like, we work so much, I don't go out and meet new people very often.

Well, I can tell you, having dated women for a long time, I still don't know how to flirt, so it's never going to change. What was your first kiss? I dated this girl in high school. We met on the internet. Wowee. Whoa. Yeah.

I don't remember. Was it MySpace? No, this was pre-MySpace. I don't know how we found each other. You just Googled each other. I did spend a lot of time as a young person person Googling like how to meet and date lesbian. Oh, my God. Precious.

Just like lonely college Monaco. Google. Just like didn't understand. Lady. Yeah. Find. Want lady. Want lady.

Back when Google, you could actually have a no results. Yeah. Search thing. Dude, I totally did. I was like a place for teens to get together and maybe date. Type in a full paragraph did that. I was like, a place for teens to get together and maybe date. Type in a full paragraph. Yeah. Google was like, what?

Hi, Google. Courtney here. So first. But I have to be honest. I don't remember the first kiss. What? Maybe we never even kissed. We dated for like three years on and off, but maybe we never kissed.

Wow. What? Uh-oh. Oh, no, we kissed. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, I guess it wasn't that special if you didn't remember it.

You know, I... I guess kissing in the boys' bathroom isn't like exactly like a glamorous special. It was probably something like kind of dumb and creepy like in a car, in a park, like at night somewhere. It's always hidden. Yeah. I feel like the tides have changed a little bit. There's still plenty of problems in the world when it comes to gay acceptance. He just did hard eye contact with the camera.

I just want to make sure. Yeah. Now I'm looking at the mic. Do you feel my eyes? Oh, wow but yeah there you the tides have changed i feel like the i mean i'm sure there's still people smooching in a bathroom because it's school you're young hormones etc and some people might just be into that you know yeah you know don't bathroom shame i feel like nowadays it's there's i mean rupaul's drag con just happened there's like little babies who are maybe i call them little babies you have a little baby there are children like eight ten

years old who are like boys in full drag like presenting female for the event for the occasion it's just i don't know because our age are now parents we're like let's just cut the secret part out yeah and let people kind of figure out their identity and explore things yeah out in the open as opposed to in your room yeah yeah i definitely yeah just didn't seem like an option i feel like when it was ever like a possibility or like thought like if that thought crossed my mind, I was like, no, I'm not. I'm not gay. Obviously not. And, like, the things kids would say at high school and high school, maybe high school, but elementary school being like, oh, like, gay means, like, you're a pedophile.

You're a pervert. And it's like, what the? Okay. Back then, you're like, oh, I didn't know that. And then you internalize a lot of it, too. And there's a lot of like. Just subconscious stuff. Yeah.

You think that there's something wrong or weird about you. Yeah. Enough people says something's wrong, and then you're going to accept that as truth. Yeah. And what's great about now is there's less that's wrong. So you don't have to. You can explore that thought without having to break through that yeah exactly break through the door yeah i when i came out i realized

there was a lot of people i hadn't told that may be finding out through the podcast aside from a dad who like my dad easygoing loves me that's fine but like there's definitely like other family members that i'm like will they knowing that i mean, I mean, I'm not even, like, I'm just quote-unquote not straight, as I said, like, whatever. But family members who may not be, like, cool with that, I'm like, will they be comfortable, like, talking to me or being near me at family events? Like, because I know that I saw those things being said by other people

or, like, being thought, like, oh, gay is so bad, that I'm, like, worried that my family, who's, like, Mormon, is, like, totally, like, no, that's not okay. And they definitely, like, a lot of them, like, keep up with me through all this content. So, like, I still struggle with that where it's, like, will they, like, let me near their kids? Are they going to think of me like that person?

Yeah, I mean, people, like, they either get over it or they don't but for the most part people get over it or they just want to be polite and will be civil or nice enough and then you know eventually you kind of stop thinking about it and stop worrying about it. Like, yeah, there aren't many times where I will be aware of my gayness when I'm talking to someone and, like, looking at it like, oh, you know, is this interaction being affected at all? Because I'll never know, so there's no use in wondering about it. It's just, it is the way it is. Yeah, I guess it's just good to have a, is yeah that's i guess it's good to have a just be optimistic

going into it yeah i get the worry though because when like similarly i came out to my parents last it's weird how you do that i i get that though because like there's a lot of kids in my high school like they're like oh he's gay but like his parents don't know and i was like oh like so but he's like walking around being all yeah ity. It's his place. How did they take it? My parents, I lucked out. I am very grateful. You gotta be grateful when your parents take it okay. Yeah, it went well.

It's a very silly story. I got caught in a gay thing. I was texting my friend about the guy, that guy. And so I thought my parents like put two and two together. They didn't. So I came out very like, that's right. Cause I was like, cause you expect this horrible nightmare experience,

which some people have, and that's absolutely horrible and just the worst. But I went in expecting the worst as almost everyone does when they come out. So I was was like hey mom hey dad i'm gay and i'm your son and i still love you so you better still love me and they're like why are you yelling you're like it's fine why are you what calm down and then my dad was like i don't mind that you're gay i just wish you would have come out a little nicer

could have sat me down and i was like i was like okay dad all right that's so cute oh that's sweet what about you uh oh boy um oh yeah yours was very different sorry I was just like yeah what about you is yours cute too I was like I'm not no not not particularly so um I was worried um just because my parents are Indian from India so culturally things are a little bit different. And so I first came out to my brother, and he was really supportive and great. And then I think that I came out to my parents, but it was also like my parents would kind of, like, snoop through my stuff all the time and, like, read whatever I wrote. So they definitely, like, I was whatever I wrote so they definitely like I was a little bit pushed out so I was fine like okay I'm gonna tell them so I told them and the initial

response was uh not great um my mom asked uh if it was because I did theater um and then my dad asked uh if it's because guys didn't like me so it was like overall just a rough and hurtful experience sorry for putting you on blast uh if my parents are listening to this they're not but um but like it's it's like okay it's yeah yeah they it took them a while to come around but eventually you know they did i my dad, it finally clicked into place for him, like, in my early 20s. And we had a conversation where he was like, I just don't know why you've chosen such a difficult path. And I was like, well, you know, it wasn't a choice. And then that suddenly, no matter how many times he heard it that time, it just clicked with him. And then I think my mom stopped trying to pitch the idea of setting me up with a nice Indian boy to get married, probably also early 20s. Wow. Yeah. So and that was, so I first came

out when I was 16. I also had to keep like reminding them. So like there were smaller versions of this event almost annually for like a few years, but. That's rough. But you know, we're, we're in a good place now. It just took a little while to get there. I'm glad you ended up in a good spot. Thank you. Yeah, that's very good. I was a little scared with my mom. I like, I knew she was going to accept me. I like, I knew she wasn't going gonna like disown me or anything, but like I was worried because she's the more Mormon parent of my family. And so I was a little worried that she'd be just like shocked or like not believe me. I just like, I always tend to fear the worst anyway, because like, I usually hope that the, what ever comes out is better than what I expected. And it was like, she was so nice.

Like, when I told her, she thought it was, like, her responsibility to, like, help me through those feelings. Like, she thought I hadn't, like, really worked it out yet. And I was, like, I literally was crying. Like, it was on the phone. Like, I definitely, like, got on my bed and just, like, made the call. And I was just so thankful for her reaction and i just forgot to tell my dad uh it's it's uh i'm obviously like really happy for you guys that you had smooth experiences

but there's there's this like shitty part of me that resents that even though that's what we're fighting for right it's like it's tough because like obviously i want it to be easy for for people to come out and for it to not even have to be a thing like a whole coming out thing but like oh by the way that's great you know yeah there's just this little part of me that's like i hurt you have to hurt too and it's the part of me that i hate but it's their human feeling though that's like a human experience. I think that goes beyond like gayness, but I totally understand. Yeah, I feel like it's like you overcame something

and you grew stronger from this thing. Yeah. And you had to like, you had to pull through the mud to get to where you are to be okay. And like, we just kind of got plopped. We just like bloop. Yeah.

Yeah. So I get that. But I also like i know that i'm probably right in the middle of the spectrum of coming out experiences like there are far worse experiences because ultimately my parents like they didn't kick me out they didn't disown me they didn't like punish me they were just it was just not friendly absolutely wasn't their fave wasn't the vibe that's what they said yeah yo monica this is not the vibe said your dad i just don't really like this groove your indian accent is impeccable thanks so much uh but yeah no it's like that's why i started my story with like that i'm super grateful and like you have to be aware of the full spectrum.

Because if you're just like, well, it's Lottie Dobbie and gay, then that's not how it works. Yeah, that's the thing like a lot that I, when I'm trying to learn more about the community, it's like, yeah, like there are people who like, it's been kind of pretty much pleasant, but there's like a lot of struggle

and like acknowledging that struggle and kind of pretty much pleasant, but there's a lot of struggle and acknowledging that struggle and kind of being sensitive to it. Something I've been aware of is outing people for them. It's something I was like, oh my gosh, that's a thing that probably totally happens. I was once with two girlfriends, one of them was bi, and these two friends had just met each other. And I was like, oh yeah, you're bi, right?

And the friend was like, yeah. i and i realized like oh my gosh that probably like was not okay for me to do uh turned out the third friend who was learning that was actually not a tolerant person of that so didn't learn that immediately but like that so it's like things like that like you you have to be aware of um and just like the community in terms of like stevie we um we shot something with her uh on mythical and she did a thing where she was teaching me or trying to quiz me on uh queer slang it was really fun i didn't know like any of them there was one like so lesbian oh yeah celebrity lesbian yeah that's that one makes sense but then there was like wrinkle room and i was like oh vagina and she's like no apparently that one means like it's like a place where a lot of old gay guys

hang out yeah it's it's it there's a lot of fun sides to the community too i guess which is awesome that's just like a lot of give and take yeah what there is i've never been to a gay bar oh it's Oh. It's something. Yep. It's something. I briefly, when I was around 21, and I think only for that year, I a couple times went to a lesbian night in West Hollywood called Truck Stop. Yikes. Wow. Yeah. It was as advertised. It was. Lot of grease.

People under the car. Yeah. Gotcha. yeah they're like let me weigh your oh full circle and i'll dress like a truck yeah perfect so that's all just want just want to put that out there truck stop truck stop there are no there's like lesbian bars aren't really a thing it's usually a lesbian night that kind of sucks that's kind of lame i mean it's it's a true stereotype lesbians like to stay home a lot like if you're a lockdown lesbian in a relationship chances are you're like at home uh with your two dogs and three cats just like covered in fur watching netflix that's great yeah yeah speaking of netflix i've actually just started watching the l word yeah yeah for people who watching or listening that's or don't who don't know what that is it's pretty much i feel like it's like the lesbian sex in the city type

thing ish yeah a little like yeah it's a little more dramatic yes i've only watched i'm like midway through the first season um but it's because like i got a lot i feel like i got a lot of dating experience straight dating experience through watching i i hated sex in the city but you know i watched the entire series and both movies because i'm like that. So now it's kind of interesting watching The L Word because it's like I'm learning a little more, getting kind of an insight on the dating life-ish. I don't know if it's fully accurate. I'm hating some characters already.

That's just how it goes. I'm going to watch it all. I know I will. I wish there was an equivalent for like gay dating. There's this one show that I'm not gonna remember so this is fun to hear about uh but um there's not a lot of like gay examples on like tv for like a gay guy to like watch and be like oh i see how like a relationship could be and could unfold because like gay men in particular well i guess gay people

in general are very like caricature when they show up yes and usually like anything any uh media about them is centered around them being gay so it's like you're like i'm just a person who is yeah whereas like any story and up until like fairly recently, any any movie or TV show is like the gay character's whole arc is about being gay. Yeah. Who's he going to date? What show is he performing in? The one other gay person shows up in the show. You. obvious um that's that's interesting too because like even in our smosh videos like smosh doesn't have an amazing track record with portraying gay people or gay characters that's a really nice way to put it yeah it's a very nice i mean even up until like i had been here for a year or two and like even then you're still like oh this is this is rough like the certain

like we had a it was, every first date ever, there's a scene where it's a gay couple, because you want to, like, get all the representation. I don't know if you were on at that point. No. It wasn't really a writing thing. It was, like, the wardrobe choices for the character. It was, like, oh, my goodness.

And, like, who knows who made the choices, whatever. But, like, it definitely was just, like, when we saw the edit, we were, like, oh, my God, that didn't seem necessary. It seems kind of insensitive. And it's like that's not where our heart's at, obviously. We wanted that scene for a reason. But even then, that was probably better than how things used to be. I can't recall how things used to be way back on Smosh. I mean, I think that there is just a lot of playing gay,

which is just trying to be as flamboyant as possible and and doing the voice and like the lisp and all that shit um yeah right now i try to like write gay characters and relationships like into our sketches um just to kind of like, to, to, again, hit that broad spectrum, especially when we're doing stuff like EBEs, Every Blank Ever is where, you know, you want to get every single thing. Yeah, it's supposed to be every single one, every one ever. But it's, I don't want to feel like I'm pushing my, like, agenda. But at the same time time i still like want to service you know and and you know put content out there that i feel like it's real um so it's it's tough to toe that line a little bit i mean even in our like in our smosh pit stuff um we've we've pitched ideas or like

we'll want a certain thumbnail for a video and it's like we like like oh let's put koa on the thumbnail for this fan fiction video and there's like a concern because like someone like as as far as we've come in society like a lot of our fans still don't get it like we had that video kiss currency come out a few years ago and people in the comments were like but wait how can a girl kiss a girl i don't wait yeah but how could a boy kiss a boy what but at a certain point we just got to be like fuck those people we do and i hope we get to that point it just seems like it was pretty recent like we didn't put keith and noah in love on a thumbnail because it's like our fans might like some of them just won't click on it right because that's not not the, the quote unquote hetero norm that they're expecting.

Right. Which is, it's, I hope we come further and further with that. And I'm sure we will. Cause it's, you're, you're balancing business,

advertising, the actual culture outside of that. So. Yeah. I think we're on our way. Yeah. And it's like, we,

we still had Koa in the video, very much in love. Right. Yeah. You know, we just our way. Yeah, and it's like we still had Koa in the video very much in love Yeah, you know We just want to be like and it's I guess it's good because the people who are like if they see that thumbnail like no I don't want to click on it Which that sucks if that happens, but if they click on that video and then see that happen like I guess it's not so bad And then that right and a lot of people are younger and they're still forming their opinions. So, you know, but hopefully they're open to things.

When Mythical was bringing us all together, like they were making sure, like I remember hearing one of them being like, well, we need more women on this team and like stuff like that. It makes me really happy when you hear that stuff. And when I found out Stevie's gay, I was like, what the heck?

Hell yeah, dude. Her and I recently went to dinner you hear that stuff and when i found out stevie's gay i was like what the heck hell yeah dude her and i recently went to dinner and like she she's the one who told me to watch the l word um but yeah she i got a lot of nice uh educational stuff from her too i'm just trying to learn from every if i if i'm like hi i'm cody like hi this i find out you guys like hey can i can i ask you some questions i'm like a nerd like trying to figure everything out still i uh i had a story i wanted to tell you guys it's oh it's this is like a really bad segue but like here we are um and because this is a story i've actually told people before and we were like it was like i was actually not i was still straight in my mind

at that point too it's called the girl who wouldn't Leave. I told this story to Ryan Finnerty and we wanted to make a movie out of it somehow because it was that crazy. I remember that. Yeah. I have a few drafts of the first few pages and a couple one pages of the story. And it's obviously, the script's going to be very different from the actual story. But what happened was, so one night I was being texted by my friend. She's like, oh my God, come to LA. Like, I want to take you to this rap concert. It'll be really fun. And I was like,

okay, yeah. She's like, oh, but if you come, like, can you give this other friend a ride? Because she can't, she can't drive out there. And so you're going to drive her and you out to this concert that I have VIP tickets for. And I was like okay yeah sure that's fine um we'll call this person who shows up um we'll call her cara sure cara i'm waiting for this girl to show up to give her ride to this concert in la and i'm still like living hella far away la seemed like a different planet to me all of a sudden i get a knock at my door i'm like all ready to go for this night and then i open the door and this girl kara comes in she comes booming and she's like oh my god hello i used to hate you oh i literally never met her in my life oh even better yeah and i was like oh my god and then she's like yeah i used to hate you oh my god there was this guy that liked you

and i liked him and i was so pissed that he liked you and not me. And so I hated you, but now I love you. How are you? Do you want some of these pills? That's so much to unpack in one sentence. Literally, that was the first minute. Her still in my entryway, like haven't even taken shoes off yet. Or I guess we would be putting them on if we were going we still hadn't like i wasn't fully ready to go we're still getting my bearings she's telling me her whole life story like straight up she's like yeah i had this crazy boyfriend he used to she used to some rough so she used to beat me but like we're still together um but like yeah oh my god i love you i'm so excited for this night with you like Like, do you want these pills? And I kept saying, like, no, I'm okay on the pills.

What were the pills? Aspirin. Yeah, just aspirin and vitamin C. She was trying to help you, Courtney. Yeah, she was like, you don't look good. You need some vitamin C. You fighting off a cold? It was Klonopin.

Okay. I don't know what that does to a body, so. It's an anti-anxiety. So, okay. So she was like basically offering me Xanax? Yeah. Okay. Sick.

But yeah, I was like, oh my God, we are in for a night. Okay, let's just go. We're going to go to this concert. All of a sudden, my friend texted me. Well, call my friend Tess. She was like, hey, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I can't take you guys to this concert anymore. Sorry, bye. And I was like, oh my god i'm so sorry i can't take you guys to this concert anymore sorry bye and i was like oh okay uh okay so kara we can't we can't go to this concert anymore like

i'm sorry i guess it's not gonna happen you know whatever sorry i can't take your pills huh and she's like oh my god no that's totally fine i'm like i like let's have a sleepover i can't get my ride home so and she lived really far away so i couldn't drive her back it was like i was still i think i was i was like 17 at this point like yeah i was like not allowed to do anything unless my parents had specifically said okay and they didn't say okay so she was like yeah let's have this sleepover and it's gonna be amazing oh my god i'm so excited oh my god i can't believe that guy loved you and like he didn't want to date me like i can't believe i used to hate you and i love you now do you want some of these pills no what else do i talk about when i hate you um pills i hate

you did i tell her i hate her let me check my notes i hate you love you pills she's like a soundboard um i was like okay you know whatever she can stay here she has no way of getting home that's that's fine it was like 10 o'clock at this point she's like yeah oh my god she's like trying to find a way to like get alcohol all this crazy stuff and all of a sudden i hear my doorbell and i walk up and i open the door and it's the guy that she was talking about. This guy that I hadn't seen in two years. And he apparently like had a crush on me and I guess I friend zoned him. He's all of a sudden at my door.

He went to a different high school. Like I literally didn't know him very well. He's there. And you didn't know he was showing up either. I had no idea he was showing up. I love the sitcom that you lived. This is real and i don't believe it's real she cara comes out she's like oh my god it's him it's toby like i toby remember when you

were in love with her and he was like oh god that was i that was two years ago i uh i was just like what is going on uh and she she runs off to go grab her pills probably to offer him some but like it's just him and me in the interim and i was like dude i am so sorry i don't know what's going on like she i guess invited him over and he was under the impression that i knew i guess and he's like oh i yeah that's crazy i i barely know her too um this is this is really weird. But like he decided to just stay and still hang out. And I was like, okay, like I guess this is happening. We like got Taco Bell and she this entire time is now telling him her whole life story about her crazy boyfriend and all these things she's into.

And it is just hours and hours of this. I literally I'm just like I'm going through the whole thing. Just like, what is happening? It's just so weird that you just kind of sit back and like, let it go. Yeah. You just, yeah. You don't know how to respond to this new thing. Yeah.

You just take a passenger seat in your brain. Yeah. And there was a point where all of a sudden she's like, oh, my grandma's here. She runs out. No. She runs out and her grandma's in the car and she's like oh she she has my medication grabs and she's like bye grandma and the grandma drives off i'm like wait wait wait couldn't she have taken you home she could drive you home she's like oh but no but we're having a

sleepover and i was like oh my god dude and okay so she stays she's this is it's literally the whole night's like revolved around her she's just she's just this personality and she's just putting it on like letting us know everything about her like go off queen like sure i like i wasn't gonna stop her um and this guy toby just was down to stay i i think there may have been still some like feelings or something and like that's why he was staying there 100 until 3 a.m was just talking and i was like i at the point i was like okay guys listen like dude toby you gotta go home like it's time for bed like okay and he finally leaves and when someone sleeps over

that like i don't know very well i let them sleep on my bed and then i sleep on the floor because like i don't care and so i was like setting everything up and kara comes in i like i'm like yeah you sleep on the bed i'll sleep on the floor and she's like no like we can share the bed it's fine it's a twin size bed so i was like no that's okay like i'm good like i'll just sleep on the floor like i like it and she's like all right well and she offers me one of her pills one more time i totally know one more time um and then we're we're both laying down and she still wanted to like talk and just keep going and talking she's like yeah like oh my god so like what are your turn-ons and stuff like that and i was like oh um yeah you know i guess i guess i like this thing it's kind of cool and she's like

oh my god oh my god yeah that's so good oh my god i'm just getting i'm getting horny now just thinking about that oh no i was like whoa and she's like yeah oh my god like that's so crazy um so like one time i like scissored with my cousin and it was crazy it was crazy yeah and like and she's yeah but i like think i liked it and sorry viewers like that took a deep turn for you all but this is my life so this is what happened she's like yeah that the scissoring like i liked it and then i did it again with another cousin like later on what is this family the grandma shows up his medication doesn't know who i am like oh my god. She's like, yeah, scissoring is crazy. And I was like, wow, dude,

good for you. Good night. And she's like, yeah, you know, like scissoring's awesome. Like, I think that's something like I want to do with you. What a great way

to propose sex. See, listen, there's a good lesson about foreplay here. It's an eight hour thing. You just show up. Yeah, you stick to the script. You tell them, I hate you, I love you, let's scissor.

Yeah, you get two cameos. Yeah. Grandma. Yeah, so she says that, and she was super casual with it. We haven't made eye contact the last ten minutes. We've both been staring at the ceiling. Like, I'm on the floor, she's in the bed. Like, yeah, just, that's something, like, I kind of think I want to do with you.

Like, if you want to try. I know we're not cousins, but hear me out. And then this way, I was like, you know, Cara, I'm actually about as straight as it gets, so I'm good. And she was like, no, but, like, it's really fun. Like, I'll show you. Like, it's really cool. Like, we'll just give it a try, and it'll be really great. And I was like, no, but, like, it's really fun. Like, I'll show you. Like, it's really cool. Like, we'll just give it a try, and it'll be really great. And I was like, no, like, I'm really good.

It's fine. She's like, no, like, I promise. Like, it's really fun. She goes for, like, 15 minutes literally trying to convince me to do this thing. I was like, you know, but it wasn't ever, like, aggressive ever. It was just like, you know, like, it'd be really cool to try. Just, like, selling you on it. She's like, it's really fun.

Maybe we could do that. Okay, watch this PowerPoint. It's like she found out through the grapevine that I'm one to practice with, too. It's like the word traveled that far. But I finally was just like, no, no, I'm really, Kara, I think I'm good. And she was like, oh, okay, good night. Takes out a hearing aid, puts it on the nightstand, and rolls over and goes to sleep oh i love that exclamation point on that story yeah she could yeah maybe she just couldn't hear you say no yeah maybe shit is that insensitive yeah probably yeah probably she wasn't like i

think it was just bad bad hearing in one ear yeah and then she she the next morning the the friend tess who invited us to that concert, who I never heard from the rest of the night. Well, yeah, because she dumped her crazy person on you. Yeah, she did. She's like, hey, can you take care of this crazy person and take her pills? I woke up the next morning to her coming in, like jumping in, jumping on the bed and being like, hey. And I grabbed her.

I was like, I need to talk to you. And, yeah, that girl didn't leave my house until 5 p.m that next day um wanted to talk about doing a trip to santa barbara together get in the hotel room i have no idea i was literally 17 i didn't understand these feelings or or what that was i was like what is this yeah that's no way to hop into exploring something yeah no i just want to be like do this you want to try it take it for a test drive yeah um wow what a story wow that was the most i've ever been hit on by another girl i think but uh yeah that that you'd say that's movie worthy that i would say yeah i mean unfortunately you just

gave away the entire plot well we we had other details and layers we're gonna add on great but there's four more grandmas yeah they just keep driving by to deliver different medication different famous old women old women oh my god get them on meryl street please yeah yeah you want to help me write that yeah Yeah. Monica, that'd be great. Yeah, I'd love to. Can I be a grandma? Yeah, yes, be a grandma. Can you do our memes

when we promote the movie coming out, please? That'd be amazing. Got it. Yeah, that was that was the craziest night ever. It's so wild that she was just so like,

I'm going to go for it and just like show up and if everything goes right we'll be scissoring by 2 a.m and and then she hit the roadblock and just kept jumping over i'm like she doesn't want the pills i'll keep asking maybe she wants maybe she wants the crush that we had on that guy yeah no it doesn't need him. And then when it got to the bedroom part, she was like, you want to sleep on the floor? That's fine.

What turns you on? Like, just kept going. Do floors turn you on? You said you like it. How much do you like it? Oh, my God. Wow. It's wild because, like, I think that I am so hyper aware of not wanting to be the person who is the creepy gay that we were told that all gays are.

So I will try to just desexualize myself entirely when I'm with a group of women or in like, locker rooms or stuff, because I just don't want to come across that way at all. I feel that paranoia, too. Like, I, like, even on the podcast where I came out, I was like, guys, disclaimer, like, I don't, I'm not into Olivia. I was, like, I get worried if I, like, make certain friends uncomfortable because I'm, like, I'm playfully flirty with literally everyone, but I definitely, like, get paranoid of, like, and I compensate of, like, when I'm worried that, like, if I'm talking to my friend or who's a girl, I, like, think. Or, like, just when they found out that I'm not straight, that they were, like, oh, God, was she hitting on me that one time? Like, I definitely worry about that. And it sucks that, like, that even has to come up for you like because I wouldn't I don't

assume that like every straight man I meet wants to get with me yeah that's the thing I think that's something I kind of deal with is like when I meet a lot of guys I'm kind of almost always on the defense a little bit just I and I think it's a lot with like my track record with guys because like I just growing up I don't know if it was like just who I was like I was weird and like I didn't realize how weird I was so it came off as confidence to other people I was just actually oblivious to my own weirdness just kind of being appealing to guys so like I definitely have that a little bit just in the back of my head. It's never like, watch out buddy, don't touch me, whatever. It's like, it's definitely like subconscious,

like, oh, that's a thing I have to worry about. So I guess that's why I feel it so much. Okay, that makes sense. Because I'm imagining that that's what they're feeling with me. Yeah, it gets, there's a similar gay, like parallel to that. Straight guy, there is a trope, a trope, like a stereotype, I guess, of gay men pining over straight guys.

And I'm not, I mean, I guess I get it, but I've personally never, ever, like, got into like a straight guy. Like, I've never like thought, you know, I was like, oh, I have a crush on him and I'm going to like make it happen. Yeah. And there, at a time, I think there was men that did a lot of that because I assume

like the closety nature of it, it's just kind of like, get me out of here. I got a, you got a bone or whatever. But there is definitely because of that era, I think there's less gay men in general that are doing that. But now because that happened, there are straight men who think like, oh, is he gonna hit on me?

Like, I don't know, I'm like a little uncomfortable. So I've learned just like you have to like neutralize like, not my gayness, but like the energy. I don't know, you just kind of like tuck it in and you're just like. Right. You're the normal version of SpongeBob. Exactly. I know, right? The little circle person.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just like I like just not sexual at all. Like just the least sexual person. What is that? I don't know. I'm plastic i look back on like previous interactions i've had with women and men i'm a very flirty person and it's bitten me in the ass before with guys so like i definitely look back on like when i'm i

have a friend and like i slapped her on the butt playfully i'm like ha ha ha like i worry that like oh my god was that something that's uncomfortable for them? Like, I don't know. It's a weird give and take. How long is your longest relationship? I think it was two and a half, maybe three years-ish. And I was in the relationship when I realized, I was like, okay, yeah. At that point, I was like, oh, I'm pansexual.

But, like, didn't do anything about it, didn't seek out information or how to learn about it or anything because I was in the relationship. I had some friends I was like, oh, yeah, like, you could go out, maybe go to a gay bar and, like, see what that's like. But, like, never ended up happening because I was, like, in this relationship where I was, like, always with them, you know, how it goes. So, you know, how it goes. So, yeah. No, and I don't even know, like, I still don't know if I picture myself in a relationship with a girl yet.

It's just something I still need to, like, explore. Yeah, you got to explore before you can go all that way. It's just, like, being, when I was a kid, I was, like, oh, I don't, well, when I was a little girl, I was boy crazy. And I was, like, I want to marry a I was boy crazy I was like I want to marry a man immediately not a man I want to be a child bride I was all about getting married and having a boyfriend super young but like it's just I feel like it's just the same as like I wasn't ready to to make out with a boy yet I didn't know him that well so I think it's the same with girls where it's like I don't I'm not ready to do certain things. I didn't know him that well. So I think it's the same with girls where it's like, I don't, I'm not ready to do certain things. Cause I don't know. It's new. I'm like, I'm like a kid again, like figuring stuff out like that. Do you know, uh, like what kind of girls you're

into? I feel like I made this tweet a while back where it's like, uh, what do you mean I have a type? And it's like all these, uh, very sexy cartoon characters. Like the, I think like that, it's like the unrealistically like gorgeous, long hair, crazy Amazon body. But I don't know, even then I'm like, I don't know. Cartoon villains, hit me up. Hit me up.

Ursula, you got my number. Hit me up. Hell yeah. I will hook you up. Ursula, dummy thick, dude. Oof. How do you scissor if you got my number. Hit me up. I will hook you up. Ursula, dummy thick, dude. Oof. How do you scissor if you got eight legs? It's a long night.

Think of the foreplay. I get it, though. Like, when I was first gaying, I don't know what I just said. When I was first gaying, I was also like into cartoons and like, you know, just like ideally ideal figures of masculinity or men. And then as time got along and I did experience more things and like get the physical like reality of a human being and not like a cartoon. That's when my type, I guess, kind of took more form. And what is it? I don't really have one.

So I know that's the antithesis to what I just said, but it's less about the picture in front of me and more about like the dynamic. So it's like, I can't tell you what my type is, but when I talk to someone, I realize they're my type. Have you noticed like a through line at all with the men that you've dated or been interested in yeah well the men that i've there's there's people that i date and then there's people that i like this is my character flaw okay we're all learning this here uh the men i've dated have tended to be a little bit unsure of who they are.

There's still an aspect of them that they're still trying to figure out. And I think I also have that. And so I'm like now in this new spot where I'm like, well, let's just explore every aspect of myself before I hop into a new relationship. So I avoid that again. But I don't know if we offered like an unsure,

like, are you scared of the world? I'm scared of the world. Let's do this together. Yeah. And that's nice for that time. But, you know, looking forward, I want my wife. You know what I mean? I want my little, I don't want a baby, but like I want that kind of life where you're in a partnership.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that my type, there is like a look I made that joke about, but it's more also like the energy that they give off. Right.

Like the, the, the sexy cartoon villains give off that like, it's ironically, it's big dick energy or like that strong energy where they're like,

yeah, what's up? Yeah. It's like, fuck with me. Yeah. Yeah. Just like the,

yeah, the confidence. Yeah. Slight arrogance. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I, I remember watching Orange is the New Black early on in the show.

I'm seeing all the different types of gay women. I'm being like, oh, that one's, oh, that one though also. Whoa, okay. They're all very different. So it does, because there's the very masculine type. And then there's the super feminine, just powerful type as well. So, yeah, it's the energy, I think, in what they give off. Yeah, there are a lot of different like types of gay people.

I don't know. I feel like the gay community is like, are you one of eight things? If not, I don't know what to do with you. So you have to like shove yourself into like one of the little, I don't know. How do you feel about the different ones in the lesbian community? It's tough because I used to, like, very much, like, follow that and try to be like, where do I fit? Where does this person fit? And try to put people in these boxes.

And it's, I guess, kind of helpful if you, like, if for the people who feel like they fit that identity I don't so I just I don't bother I used to be like I'm attracted to femme women but like I realized like I'm attracted to like girls who would have been mean to me in high school that's what I'm into that's so real so it's yeah I don't know I think it's more prevalent in like the gay male community, right? Like the bear, twink, otter. Yeah, having like a specific like. Yeah, I mean, it's the labeling isn't, being one of the labels isn't a problem. Like if you're like, I'm a bear, great, you're a bear.

There's nothing negative about that. You have your clique clique of people it's the people who are on the like trickly outsides people who are picky and choosy and the people on the outside because it's like well where do i yeah fit in it's like do i even care so like i'm in the same boat where i like oh sorry keep going sorry yeah there's just there there's it's about like the people who aren't able to fit into those slots that feel isolated. And like it's like this microcosm of the whole gay experience because you're like, oh, I don't fit in because I'm gay. Oh, I found my people. And then within your people, you're also like, oh, but I'm still an outsider. I'm still not. Right.

And especially in the gay man community, we all hate each other. I don't get it. Like, it's so like, I have heard a little bit about that. It is just like, people will it's judgy. It's clicky. It's just really everyone's. I mean, because it's like, everyone can date each other. It's like the gay nightmare, but like the beauty, the beauty and the nightmare of it. And so it just, it becomes this tornado where you can't really grab onto anything. I don't know. That's a crappy metaphor, but that's what being gay feels like, especially in LA. It's tough out here. I think that it's great being in a big city

because you can find all different types of people. But also when you move to a big city, it's like, it feels like a competitive thing because it kind of is. Like you are in this group of people that you are competing against each other to date each other. And it can be a really toxic environment. It's the competition that really kills it. That's tough. And I feel like, I don't know, because that really ticked me

off when I found out that like, there really aren't many lesbian bars in LA, like at all, because I feel like that helps people with their community getting together more and like meeting each other more. Have you tried Googling want lady? No. Oh yeah. Just Google want lady. Yeah. Hello, Google want lady. Hi, Google. This is Courtney. Want lady, please. Yeah, it works. Okay. I'll do that. That's how I met my wife. It's hello, Google want lady. Oh, hi, Google. This is Courtney. You want lady, please? Yeah, it works. Okay, I'll do that. That's how I met my wife. There's probably much more results now.

I love hearing this stuff just because, like, I, being where I'm at, where I'm just like, everyone's hot because, you know, I sometimes feel I'm like, oh, I don't feel like, I feel like I'm on the outer rim of the outer rim because it's like I'm such, like, a floater and, like, I mean, I'm still figuring it out. I've got to probably be more solid in my identity of whatever this is, like, more and more every day. But I feel like sometimes I'm, like, oh, I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here. Like, I don't feel like I deserve to, like, be a part of the community because I feel like I'm such, like, I'm, like, dipping my toe in it potentially.

Like, that's kind of what it feels like. Because you and I had, like, a fun night recently where we just got to like sit down wait you we us too I was us three for a little bit that was fun sorry um you were like helping me a lot Monica with figuring out what I need to do and how and just how to figure it out I also just I still need to like do my research too I mean yes it's good to do all the research just so that you're, like, informed and you're, like, you can relate to other people's experiences. But I think a lot of people are in the same boat where they do feel like they don't belong in some way. So I don't know. I wouldn't worry about trying to hit a certain point uh before it like

just happens for you you know yeah yeah and you're welcome in the queer community like don't yeah we checked yeah we checked it's okay yeah we got we got the approval right we like some of the paperwork great oh nice no you're in do i get a sash we ran out of sash we'll get you one uh but yeah i mean for any like listeners out there that are in a similar boat to you it's like having the curiosity in the acceptance is is the gay agenda and that's what being gay is just we want the free openness so it's like the fact that you're interested in exploring that is acceptance enough. You've accepted us, so we're accepting you. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that makes sense. That's a nice way of saying it. And even if you don't feel accepted, like it's your identity. Like you choose how you define yourself. Yeah. And it's like a deeply personal thing. So, you know, even if you don't feel like you're a part of the thing, you are. You are the thing.

Yeah, I think the reason why I deal with that is because when you're an influencer or like I'm like this Internet personality, everyone kind of has their shtick, their thing, like whether it's or, like, their catchphrase or just the way they dress. I think since I feel like I have to find my brand and, like, who I am and have this identity to show people and present to people, I feel like I automatically kind of feel that in my sexual identity as well and, like, wanting to have the answers. So I guess that's why I feel that, like, uncertainty because I, like, I've always just want to be sure about everything. I always want to be fully understood with everything because it's like when you're understood, if you make a mistake, people get you and it's like, no, we know who you are. And just when people know who you are, they appreciate you more as a person. I think that was what I wanted most when I was trying to figure all this out was like, if I understand myself, then I can help people understand me. But it's all a process.

And you guys helped me a lot and still are. And I'm going to probably text you guys sometimes like, hey, is it okay to say this? I'm just like, you never know. Yeah, but Tommy and I are definitely going to fuck with you. Oh, God. Yeah. Lovely. Awesome.

Well, thank you guys so much for coming on the Smosh cast. And, yeah, I hope everyone has an amazing Pride Month. Is there, like, a thing to do to celebrate?

Is there, like, a special dinner? Yeah, you wear a dumb hat and you slap yourself. Yeah. What you need to make sure to do is to show up at someone's house, right?

Okay, make sure you have a lot of vitamin C. Okay? How many grandmas do you have? It has to be a rap concert, sleepover. Got it. Love that. Okay, so I already know.

Awesome. Okay. Well, I love you guys. Thanks for having us. Thanks for having us. Oh, we love you too? Please. Did we file the paperwork for love?

Is it pending? Okay, we'll get to it. It's pending. That's fine. We will love you. Thank you guys so much for listening and watching this very special episode of the Smoshcast with Tommy, our social media meme lord, and our lovely writer, Monica. And by the way, I don't know if you noticed, the people who are watching, there's this

lovely table, this lovely hat on the table, these water bottles, and our lovely t-shirt that Tommy is wearing. You can get it at Smosh.store. And it's very comfy, very cute, very nice. And if you want to listen to the full audio episodes, you can get those on the Wednesdays on whatever listening app. Or the full video episode, if you want to see our cute little faces and our jumpsuits and our lovely leather jackets you can see the full video episode on fridays uh love you guys so much bye