Smosh Mouth - S1: #18 - Olivia’s Bald Spot & How Defy Forced Us To Be Friends

Episode Date: June 19, 2019

On this week’s SmoshCast, Courtney, Olivia, and Mari open up about their struggles with stress and the pressure of being perfect, feeling replaceable on Smosh, and being pitted against each other at Defy. Subscribe to SmoshCast on your favorite listening apps!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Ramble. Olivia sleeps naked. I sleep, everyone knows. I could have done that better. I could have done more with today. I could have done more yesterday. It's just constantly needing to be more than what you are. So much of it was like, oh, how did you get on the channel?

Which guy are you sleeping with, Ian or Anthony? Don't like games on a screen. You don't have games on your phone? Yeah, Instagram. Nice. You got crystals in your bladder? Yeah, it hurts. Guys, welcome to another episode of the Smoshcast. I'm Courtney, your host today,

and I'm here with Olivia Sui and Mari Takahashi. It's us. Last week, you got the boys. And this week, you got the... I mean, whatever you want to be. Whatever you feel you are. You've got us. But you've got us.

You've got us. You guys look so cute today. Mari, your freaking sweatsuit. So cute. Thanks. I'm renting it from the runway now. What? Oh, wow.

Have you guys heard of Rent the Runway? Yes. I think my sister uses that. Yeah. What? Oh, wow. Have you guys heard of Rent the Runway? Yes. I think my sister uses that. Yeah. I don't go shopping anymore. I just rent stuff for like a week or like two weeks at a time. That's awesome, dude. That's crazy.

I love shopping. Yeah. That's my problem. I love shopping. I hate it. Really? I hate it. Yeah.

I hate going to the mall. I don't like online shopping. I don't like doing any of it. And then this stuff is stupid expensive. Guess how much this set is. The pants and the sweatshirt? Yeah. Guess how much somebody would pay.

Five. Jesus. Like, why would you spend, stop spending 500. It's like Stella McCartney or something? No, it's called Pam and Jella. Who the hell is Pam and Jella? Okay, it's really comfortable. It feels really good. Like, I slipped it on. I was like? Okay, it's really comfortable. It feels really good.

Like, I slipped it on, and I was like, ooh, it's like silk. Like, it feels real good. But it's like, who spends all my money? Yeah, dude. So, yeah. I'm really enjoying it. That is good for you. Thanks.

Yeah, I go through fashion a lot. My style changes a lot, so I feel like that would be good for me, because I'm just constantly buying new stuff and donating the old stuff yeah it's good it saves the planet you know it's recycling clothing isn't it yeah yeah technically I'm just wearing um a sweater that my mom bought me at Uniqlo oh nice and I chose not to wear makeup because we're getting real you actually hate wearing makeup when I don't have to yeah man, man. I wish I had the confidence to just not wear any. I think I'm getting there. My skin is finally in a really good place.

Your skin looks great. Thank you. Do I have eyebrows on right now? Does it look like my eyebrows are... I see brow. Yeah, you see brow a little bit? I see natural brow. I hope you guys are able to see a little bit of brow.

And you used to have eyelash extensions all the time. Same with me. Now I don't. I have falsies on today. You look great. Everyone looks great. You guys are so beautiful great your soul is beautiful um i'm wearing a smosh hoodie oh guess what what this is that throwback hoodie yeah it's back if you guys want to get a smosh.store there's also a couple other new items as well we have a tinder for hot dogs thing another special white hoodie i think uh yeah

so check those out and we got our our bottles so what are you guys been up to i mean outside of this renting the runway um personally i've been working on like like taking care of myself and it feels really good like i i haven't uh had like a workout routine that i've stuck to since i quit dancing and it's been a long time i feel like without knowing it i was kind of like in like i don't want to say depressive state because obviously it's i i wasn't in a depression but like slump yeah i was definitely in a place where i was not happy for a long time with the lack of exercise. And I let it happen for like a few years. Oh.

Yeah. That's how long ago you stopped dancing? Yeah. I stopped dancing four years ago. And I just kind of like let what I had from before and kind of like, you know, almost like dipping into the savings of like what my body can go through. And then from the start of this year, like I've just kind of like been like, you know what? It's time. And so it's felt really good.

Nice. Thanks. We're all, I think, gym freaks here a little bit. Oh, I like I can't go more than two days without working out like I just like today I missed my workout class I thought I set an alarm but I didn't and then I was just so bummed because you know I like to start my day like sweaty and awake that's why I'm kind of like a little sleepy right now because I didn't get to work out this morning and I'm just like so bummed. I'm so upset.

Dude, I remember when you first started taking those classes. And I remember like when you realized like I am addicted to this and I'm going to do this all the time. Yeah. It was like a couple years ago. I don't love working out. Like getting there sucks. But when I'm in it, I'm like super focused.

And it's like I love it because it's it's a form of because i used to dance my whole life so it's like exercising was always a part of my life and then when you stop dancing you're like oh like this doesn't feel normal like i'm always moving so it's like i'm i have to get back into like using my body and working out when was the last time you did like a dance thing a class or a show i actually had to take a ballet class a couple weeks ago because I had an audition for this show. And then so I was like, oh, my God, I haven't done ballet in, like, five years or six years. So I was like, and they want, like, they were looking for someone that, like, is really good at ballet. And I was like, oh.

And then I was just like, I got to, like, get back into it. So I look at least like I was like oh and then um I was just like I gotta like get back into it so I look at least like I'm a ballerina still you know yeah I mean I feel like that was me with track I did track all like my whole like like childhood into teens and then in high school I stopped and then I discovered the gym pretty early on as my replacement but like I definitely had that slump where it's like oof and then even in random sporadic parts of this job I like would stop for a long time it definitely keeps you sane yeah yeah I used to get rid of my anger like a lot through that I've talked about that on a previous episode but it's such a good like mental refresh oh for sure I think um do you guys remember when i had my bald spot in my head yes dude how is it how long is it now it's completely gone but i had like alopecia like right here and

so um i was like how am i gonna fix this so then the doctor was like yeah like i think you're just stressed so if you just go to the gym or you just relax yourself do something to just you know keep your nerves down like it'll your hair will grow back so I just started going to the gym more and it didn't really help my hair grow back I had to actually go get shots but so then I just like I was like oh I love this this is like another way to manage like my stress that was so crazy I remember like when we were in that old office and you showed us that. And we're like, oh, my gosh. We were all like checking on it.

I know. I named her Wanda. You're like a pigeon that's like, what are they called when they like start picking out their feathers because they're stressed out? Oh, yeah. Yeah, except I wasn't picking it. It just fell out. I haven't had stress. I don't know how stress would affect me physically like that.

Like, I don't know. Have you ever had anything like? I think for me, it used to come out with, I don't know. I kept so much stress in. Dancing was the source of my stress for most of my life until I stopped. And so I think I would just manifest it into like knots in my body, to be honest. And I think I was just so compacted with stress in my body. And so, yeah, like I've had a very, very intense love-hate with dancing my whole life.

So, yeah, I think it would just come out in like stresses like in my body. Like I could almost feel like tension happening like when I get too close to it again. Oh, my gosh. Was it your choice when you started dancing, or did your mom, like, put you in? Oh, it wasn't my choice. Oh, no. Yeah, I'm a second-generation dancer, if anyone knows. So I was put into dance when I was two.

But all I ever wanted to do was, like, kick stuff and, like, do karate. Dance fighting. Dance fighting, like do karate so dance fighting dance fighting intense dance fighting but it was like the the one track that I was put on and then it became my job and then it became okay for me to just kind of live that life until literally and it's so weird because people say this all the time but like literally like youtube saved my life like it totally put it on a completely different track starting with the smosh audition or yeah really literally wow yeah so yeah so to answer your question i think it comes in like knots and i start doing this with my shoulders and like i get really like tense because i keep everything in but over the

past like I would say like really like decade I've gotten really much better with just like communicating and once I stopped dancing completely like I've just been able to like work on me and like mentally and all that stuff so do you ever get like massages for that I've been getting massages since I was about 13 I've been doing i've been getting body work going to chiropractors therapy pt all of it since i was 13 and it was like no remedy because it was like internal it was like an emotional thing that just like comes out into like your body crazy how stress can like it yeah it just kind of manifests and like these really strange ways emotional situations definitely like come

out and and act physically like i think i think acne is actually my stress like dude the shutdown and when we were trying to film sketches and stuff and even into the start when it's like we're all nervous and trying to get everything back in the grind again like my skin was the worst like literally worse than it was back in 2015 when I started. Like it was, I literally, in the scenes, I was like acting or whatever. But in my mind, I'm like screaming. I'm like, no one look at me. Like, I hate this.

I hate that there's a close up on my face right now. And it was like, it's just stress. I think a lot of it was stress. And I get that because it's like a cycle because you think that everyone's looking at your face. And literally one's ever looking at your face like everyone doesn't care you know what I mean because they're all worried about themselves too totally totally but in your mind it's the loudest thing and it feels like there's like like a flashlight like on like like your pimples like I used to have really bad acne as well um and it feels so big in your head and it feels so terrible and then on the outside it's like it's like nothing it's a it's a weird yeah it's a weird thing you have to fight

through yeah now that it's like finally clear i'll like i'll be like looking in the mirror i'm like oh i actually have like nice other features you look really good i'm noticing it from across this table and i think your skin looks really great I haven't seen it look this clear in a while. Yeah. Sorry, that didn't mean to be. No, that's. But it literally looks really good. Thank you.

Like, I'm even wearing, like, a less coverage foundation now because, like, I don't have any, like. I just, I'm working on scarring now. That's mostly it. But, yeah. Like, I. It's, like, all I see. And I feel like I have, like, the plague. And if.

I feel like, oh, if people are, like, were messing around and they, like, touch my face. I'm like, oh, God. Do you feel like. Oh, do you feel gross I have like the plague and if I feel like oh if people are like we're messing around they like touch my face I'm like oh god do you feel like oh do you feel gross that you like accidentally touched like it was such a oh my god but like now that it's gone like I don't even think about it at all yeah and that's so crazy because that cycle continues too where it's like you feel good from the inside so then your skin responds to it yeah it's the weirdest cycle wild it works together I see on your Instagram stories sometimes, like when you get those wild facials, Olivia. Yeah. Those are fancy looking.

I used to get them more because when we were traveling to Sacramento a lot, we would be traveling and our makeup was so intense. We would just cake it on and it would be 12 hours and there'd be just more powder on my face and we'd fly back and my skin would just look so bad like it's just like your skin your pores are just clogged and so i would go get these facials now i actually haven't gone in so long because i feel like i've been drinking more water and i'm just taking care of my skin more now yes taking care of ourselves

so i guess back to your original question and this is what we've been up to self-care self-care honestly same like i i mean i am here a lot but like self-care like my whole weekend previously was like i did laundry and stuff but then all sunday was just like gave my hair treatment my skin and treatment just like amazing it's cool that that's just like an overall conversation that's happening for both men and women these days where it's like like i love queer eye like i think that's such a great show and like the message is wonderful because at the end of the day it's like it's just about caring enough about yourself to give yourself the time to you know regardless if you're a woman you're used to like having that sort of like

mentality of like oh oh, you know, you got to take care of your skin, blah, blah, blah. Like, I think a lot of men don't get that from a young age. I don't know, in some ways, like society doesn't allow them to care for themselves. And so I think both men and women are, I don't know, just getting the time to talk about it. Yeah. And then people around them understand where it's like oh let's go friday let's go out friday night you're like you know what i'm gonna take care of myself and instead of the the culture that i think we grew up with and so much so like in the 80s and 90s where it's like no you're you're a fucking loser if you don't go out people are so supportive

of it now yeah and i think that's so cool yeah it's just like it's like contagious it's like oh i see you doing this and you're you're this and you're caring about yourself and you're loving yourself. And I see that you're a much happier person. And then it's like, okay, then I'm going to do that for me too. And it's like my friends, like if this is like such a simple thing, like my best friends, they all love taking baths. I cannot take a fucking bath because first of all it's hot and um i start sweating and i get dizzy and i'm just like not relaxed i'm so not relaxed when i'm taking a bath and i see my friends like they come out of their bath and like oh my god it feels so good and then so i was like

all right i'm gonna buy some bath salts and then i start taking these baths now I took a bath last night and you love it now I mean I love it I mean I appreciate it like I feel so calm and it's because my friends influenced me to like do self-care while I'm doing that I'm I have a hair mask and then and then I come out of this whole experience feeling really confident about myself because I just loved myself yeah you know what I mean yourself yeah and it's just like I walk around with this better positive energy and I don't feel insecure because I'm taking care of myself. Yeah, I just feel like I don't get clean with the bath. I feel like I have to take a shower after.

Yeah, and I feel like then that cancels out the relaxation. I feel like you have to shower before and after. Yeah. Before too? What if you shower before? Because you're before and then, because if you don't shower before, then you're sitting in your muck. Well, I shower twice a day. Shower twice a day?

I have to shower twice a day. Okay, so what if you shower before, scrub everything so it's all clean, and then you can take the bath and not worry about it. Maybe. No, but then your bathtub is dirty. But then what if your bathtub is dirty? But you were clean from the shower. No, no, no. Yeah, no, you need to.

I have to scrub my bathtub. You don't know what kind of gunk is in your bathtub i have a nice bathtub i don't know what the material is but like stuff doesn't yeah but still it's a it's a mental i don't know let's do a uh blue light this is what's inside your tub but yeah i feel like just the idea of a bath is great like you're just spoiling yourself yeah well like even just a face mask for me i I'm just like, mm, I did it. Yeah, and then you were like, I'm so happy, and it just carries out through your day, and it's great. It's nice because it's, like, self-care isn't so much about, like, okay, I'm going to look hot now.

Yeah. Like, it's, like, about feeling good. It's from the inside. Yeah, self-care and self-love is, like, becoming this thing, and, like, now I don't't feel like it's like, oh, I need to do this because it's going to make me look pretty. It literally is a transformation inside too. I got to say, I feel like I don't see you every day, Courtney. But the energy that I feel from you now when I see you, you're so relaxed and calm and so happy from the inside. And it makes me really,

really happy to see it. Like, it's just like, you just seem so, I don't know. I just feel like you're so content and so happy. I don't know what you've been doing, but it's, it's working. Like you look, you look gray and you've, thank you. Oh God. I mean, like, I, I like, I'm like, so like, I'm just like, oh, just like, I just feel so happy for you. And it's just like, like, I'm, like, so, like, I'm just, like, I just feel so happy for you. And it's just, like, your energy is so infectious. And I just, like, I'm, like, not that you were bad before. Oh, that's terrible. No, you weren't.

It's just that I just feel like you're so happy with yourself. And, like, that makes me happy. And I'm able to see it. And I just think it's great. Thank you. I don't hear stuff like that very often. Or maybe I don't really fully hear it when people say it to me so it means a lot and that feels good because I feel happier. I do. Good. I can see it. I can feel it. Cool. I feel like it's kind of everywhere. I mean

I think a lot of it has to do with our like work situation. Yeah for sure. You know and it's interesting because I'm sure the audience sees everything from the outside and you know we let people in as much as we want and as much as like we can and like before it's like we were all working together we we love working with each other and that that was never like that was always the constant it was just the environment that didn't breed happiness for us and now it's so different yeah and it's coming out in so many different ways i think it's's really cool. I love seeing comments about our upcoming VidCon and, you know, being able to see things like we're doing stuff all together as one big family. Our meet and greet is all of us. That's crazy.

Yeah. And, like, I love that, A, for, like, the audience members that they don't have to use, like, two of their VidCon tickets for two separate groups. I love that we're able to do that because there isn't a corporate overlord being like, no, well, these are two different brands. And how does that work for packaging? And, you know, all these words that don't matter at the end of the day. Totally. I do have an anxiety of like, because, you know, like some people come up and they want to hug all of us. And like, I love that.

But like the people who work VidCon are like, just hug move it along please i hope not i feel i feel like we're we we gotta not yeah you know we're gonna hug everyone yeah we have to hug everyone yeah i would it's nice to give like the moment a moment yeah i'm excited i'm really excited this year i don't know if people know this but olivia like, is this weird to say that how you've never slept at VidCon? No, it's not weird to say. Still? She's never stayed at the hotel. Never stayed at the hotel.

I'm just, like, not a big fan of sleeping and not my bed. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'd rather drive. I'd rather be, because everyone parties after the day. Like, everyone goes to parties. I'd rather be very sober and drive back and live my life. I'm very, like, about, like, I love to stick to, like, my schedule. I love to, like, I wake up, I do a certain routine.

You know, I work out. I go to, I walk to Starbucks. Like, I just have this routine down. And I just don't like it when it's like and i seem like such a no person you know but like i've never thought that i just love to be comfortable in my space like i turn on my humidifier i like get to sleep next to sam we watch tv like and i think this year i might sleep with you um if if you know if things go well if things go well, if things go well, wait, what's different? There's got to be something different.

This year you're like, okay, I feel this year since I'm coming, I'm literally coming back from Italy the day before. So I might be really tired to even drive back. So I'll probably just crash. At least one of the nights. Yeah. Safety first. Yeah.

And, um, you're going to be so jet lagged. No, I don't believe in jet lag. Okay. Okay. We'll see. It Okay We'll see VidCon 2019 I'll update you guys but the thing is I don't believe in jet lag because I can sleep anytime Anywhere Do it right now

She was just sitting here with her eyes closed I can fall asleep anytime Courtney's like Olivia are you meditating She's like no I'm just sleeping i just i i that's yeah so um i you might get me around wow a slumber party for sleepover yeah some serious sleepover oh yeah i've never i never thought it was like a like a it's because i don't like you guys diva thing yeah no i no, I know. Oh, it could be. And I'm down to just own. I have certain things in, like, that I like to be comfortable with. Like, you know. Do you get your own hotel room when you go?

Um, now I do. Last year I shared with Bose, but then up until then I always shared with Sohinki. What? Yeah. I never got my own hotel rooms. You shared with a guy? Yeah. But I had to do that in ballet as well.

That just seemed unheard of. Unheard of for Smosh. No, since the beginning of SG tours and stuff, we did a lot of overnight stays everywhere just for game. Cabins and stuff like that. Yeah, so my roomie was always a winky. Wow.

Yeah. He's a clean guy. I've been to his place. Like, he keeps it pretty tidy. So I don't care. He's super tidy. I used to stay at Wes and Joven's house when I wasn't living in L.A. yet. But I would come down every week to work with SG.

And they are not very clean. So I was like, okay, I don't want either of them to be my roomies. I lived there too. Yeah. Yeah. You know. I lived with Wes for like a year. You know.

Things stack up in the dishwasher, and then it's just disgusting. And so I was like, I don't want those two. Lasercorn would set me on fire in the middle of the night because he'd think that it's funny. So yeah. So hinky. What? He pranked you? Wait, hold up. He set me on fire in the middle of the night because he'd think that it's funny. So, yeah. Thank you. What? He pranked you?

Wait, hold up. He set you on fire? I just feel like he's insane. Are you a witch? I just can't trust the man. I'm not the witch. He's the witch. He's insane.

Oh, my God. Dude. I mean, low-key, Olivia, with the whole hotel thing, I, it's, I find it, it's been great having two beds. Yeah. Just choosing which one I can sleep. Yeah, you can bring some boys home. And have them sleep in the other bed. Yeah.

While I sleep in mine. Yeah. I need my space. I remember people were, like, using that bed, like, because I wasn't occupying it. I, uh, I would share, I would use both beds. I was going to talk about something else. That's probably it. Wait, I had a boyfriend one year.

Oh. So you guys would sleep separately? Yeah. Cool. That's really hot. I'm a 50s TV show. They had their night sacks, and they tie it up to make sure there's no hands out. But yeah, I definitely a couple years would be like, which bed should I sleep in tonight?

The one I already slept in or the one that's crisp and fresh? Yeah. Pete and I like to do a thing where we call one the staging bed. So it's like you get to like nap in it when you're still like in your regular clothes or like sit on it when you're like have like dirty clothes on or whatever. And then the clean bed after you've showered. But that bed is actually not that clean. Like hotel beds are very dirty. Oh, no, let's not get into this.

Please don't. I stay in a lot of hotels a lot of the time. Dude, I will say, Olivia has made me so overly conscious of bacteria. Like since I started, I have to wet wipe everything. Yeah, stop. I eat stuff off the ground and I'm very happy with it. I just need to keep doing that. I know. What the fuck?

I'll notice certain parts of like a business establishment and I'll be like, I wonder how long it's been since someone like wiped that. Because probably nobody thinks about that little handle right there. Oh, I have not done five finger palm grab on any knob in years. It's not how I operate my life. Every time I see a knob or a handle it's like two little fingers i haven't done the full palm in a long time wow wow you would be horrified with me because i'll just touch everything you're like yeah i'll go through like it's like security at like an airport use like the bins and whatever like put my shoes back on whatever and then go

eat like like a sandwich and not like that's holding the trays like this. Like, and I'm just like, like, ugh. I think I haven't gotten sick in like over like, over at least a year and a half. I haven't had a cold. Knocked on wood. Knocked on wood. Because I'm gross. Dude.

I haven't gotten a cold because I'm clean. Olivia has acrylic nails I shower twice You know how I step on the floor Like my toes are like this Oh my god yeah and that try not to laugh gauntlet She comes out barefoot and like It's incredible how little of her feet are on the ground

Like she's almost hovering And the other day we were shooting something I was wearing Courtney's heels With my bare like foot in it feet in it I took it out and she saw me wiping it down with Clorox And my bare like foot in it feet in it i took it out and she saw me wiping it down with clorox and i was oh no it's not you i just my feet it's not your shoes that are dirty it's like my feet touch the floor but honestly it was because i was stepping in your shoes it's fine those calvin klein's are not the cleanest those are my set heels

we should do like a vlog like of like reversing like you have to do all the things that i do you would be lucky i would be in the i would get the flu immediately i would literally have strep throat yeah you've been you've been sheltering yourself from building immunities yeah oh yeah i'm like harboring a lot i'm like like a Petri dish. I can't even look at you right now. Your biology class in senior year. All I do, like even my friends, like I like love to take a lot of vitamin C. I don't take vitamins. I don't even, I take a lot of oregano oil. I took a shot last night. Not that I was getting sick, but I just love to do preventative work.

I feel like the hotel beds, because they use white sheets and white towels and everything, because they bleach it. So it should be pretty clean and, like, bacteria-free, right? Sure. Unless you're not okay with bleach. And then in that case, it's all over your body. I don't know. My body always itches when I'm sleeping. I also sleep naked.

So I'm exposed to a lot of germs. Hot tip. Olivia sleeps naked. I sleep naked. Everyone knows. So when there's a fire, if anything happens, I'm going to run lot of germs. Hot tip. Olivia sleeps naked. I sleep naked. Everyone knows. So when there's a fire, if anything happens, I'm going to run under the hallway naked. But then your pajamas won't catch on fire because a lot of pajamas are actually flammable materials. That is why I sleep naked.

So you should be careful. I have grown up matching pajamas now. What? I think it's so cute. They're from J.Crew. Wow. Yeah, I'm like a 45-year-old woman. But I'm very proud of them because I was always in, like, T-shirts and boxers or whatever I can find.

And then I think, like, maybe a year or two ago, I, like, Marie Kondo'd my closet. And then I was like, you know what? I think I deserve matching pajama sets. That's good. Very good for you. Is it? No, it's actually actually bad i don't i you sleep naked yeah well that's because i get woken up in the middle of the night with a wedgie so i like to prevent that from happening during my slumber makes sense i do i usually do t-shirt like not real pajamas like t-shirt boy like not real pajamas, like T-shirt, boy underwear. Not like boxers or...

Yeah, it gets in the way. It's just... I can't do anything tight, though. Like underwear. Like, you know, it's always really cute and like, I don't know. I guess like photos or stuff you see in movies or whatnot when they're like, oh, a little underwear and a little T-shirt. Underwear is like you wear it all day.

I can't wear it at night too. Like it's just too tight all the time. Yeah. I've definitely wanted to get like a little silk pajama set. That's so like cute. Was that real? I mean, I save a lot of money. Yeah, you do.

So. Save money. Be naked. Be naked. Save the planet be naked but on that vidcon tip what was mario i remember hearing like your first vidcon was like kind of crazy like because you were like with it was like you were with ian and anthony for most of it and it was like a whole yeah new still like what was that like it was um i think maybe a year into Smosh Pit Weekly was the first VidCon I went with them and it was like still really like not organized it like we don't have

like these like really really like set schedules and stuff and so they had a signing and meet and greet and it was literally just a table and people would line up and it was like they're like oh Mari do you want to sit with us and I was like okay and so I just kind of sat there and like I think like maybe like one out of like every like 10 fans were excited to see me um maybe that um and they're like oh you're the you're the girl um but it was really really sweet like i still have artwork from that first year that people um like were nice enough to hand me and um yeah it was still like a very new thing it was so like pure because like you don't i don't know unless you were really into like like the uh youtube industry like you didn't really know what VidCon was.

Like, it wasn't just, like, this, like, household thing that people go to every single year. So it was still really interesting. And at that point, like, I still didn't see this as, like, my career. Like, my dancing was my career. This was, like, an offshoot thing where, like, oh, I did this, like, on, like, one weekend. Like, and it was just a thing. So I was still in 100% denial that this could be what I do for, you know, a lengthy amount of my time. And there was no Smosh Games yet?

No Smosh Games yet. Whoa. And so that's crazy to me because when you started, like, it was like in sketches and stuff. And then I came in, it was like sketches and then still also group stuff. You came on, it was, like, in sketches and stuff, and then I came in, it was, like, sketches, and then still also group stuff. You came on, it was just you in your videos. Like, that's a big step. It was a lot of trust, too. It was a lot of trust from Ian and Anthony and Ryan and Ryan

just being like, this is the type of show we want, go make it. And them full well knowing that i had never edited never produced never you know like spoken in front of a camera i never did anything for comedy nor have i ever written scripts before and they gave me full like creative and just full trust yeah you know i learned really really quick I did a lot of like YouTube tutorials of like how to edit on Final Cut Pro um and it was a crazy learning curve but I absolutely loved every single second of it even though I had a breakdown every Saturday oh love that very like competent capable person like you are so good at everything you do it comes from

insecurity though really yeah for sure it comes from insecurity and fear of like not being competent and so like for better for worse that is the thing that has fueled me like now I can understand where it comes from and I can like balance it out of like whether things are healthy or not but like for a very long time I didn't understand that that's where it comes from where it's like like Mari we need a 50 page letter by tomorrow morning and I say yes out of the fear of sounding like I can't do it right I think we do that a lot right like like you're able to admit it and I think a lot of people don't admit that and I think it's awesome that you just right? Like you're able to admit it. And I think a lot of people don't admit that. And I think it's awesome that you just did.

It's been a long time to understand it. It's like, I think I still catch myself doing it where it's like, why do I have so many things on my plate? It's because I have a fear of saying no. And it's a fear of like rejection. Like if I say no too many times, people stop asking. And so I'm like, oh, I can't say no. So stop asking and so I'm like oh I can't say no so I had to say yes and now I have like no time and yeah I resonate so hard with that it hurts I think like as a female like you also feel like I have for me personally we can do it yeah it's

like for me personally I feel like I have some like, first of all, I just want to always say yes, because I feel like if I don't, I'll just seem rude or like mean or something. And then I also just want to prove to that person that's asking me to do something that I can do it, you know? And I think like I need to trust that I just have to do things that make me fulfilled. And like I have nothing to prove to anyone. And I think that's something that I'm still struggling with and just like trying to do, you know, like, I don't know. I struggle with all the time. Sometimes I'm like, oh, I get a script for this. I'm like, I don't really like it.

And it's like I can also say, no, I don't need to do it. I don't need to do everything. Yeah. You know, I'm like taking that pressure off of myself I think women grow up with this chip on our shoulders and it's like it comes from so many different things but I feel like somehow society has continuously have had us grow up with the thought that we're expendable like like oh you can't do it I'll find someone else who can and it's like you know you and I came up with the thought that we're expendable. Like, oh, you can't do it? I'll find someone else who can. And it's like, you know, you and I came up with a dancing background,

and it's very much like that. It's like, oh, you can't handle this part? There's a girl who has the exact same body shape as you, who has the same skill, who we can replace in a second. You are absolutely replaceable. And in a lot of ways, like, I think we grow up with that mentality and you know sometimes like schools reinforce that workplaces reinforce that and it's it's important to understand what reinforces that in your life and why it's just I and to be honest I felt very replaceable and

when we were at defy it felt like I was like, they told us that. Yeah, they literally told us we can replace you easily. And that made me feel like I wasn't valuable. And that type of enforcement just makes you feel like you're not important, you know? And it's just like, even though no one's saying that to you, like, oh, you're not important. But then inside, we're sensitive people. And I think that like, I would that. I'm like, okay, so I don't feel special in this position at all. Like, I feel like you can call another person in and just take my spot. And this just made me feel insecure and, like, very lost, you know. Ian had talked about this one guy at Defy who, like, it felt very weird what his job position was.

I remember having lunch with him one day. It was, like, in the new year of 2018. And it was, like, I think he was just trying to, like, get prepared for, like, possibly renewing contracts a few months later. And he was, like, yeah, like, so how do you feel? And I was, like, you know, like, things feel kind of strange lately. Like, there's been layoffs. And, you know, like, I'm starting to really, like,

feel, like, the mortality of this job. And he was, like, well, you know, you should. And, like, it's so weird like as a human being just being like having that rug ripped under you because like okay so then is what I'm doing meaningless to you because I don't feel like it was like I think a lot of times it's like a form of power to make someone feel like they're replaceable and it's like in relationships even it's like manipulative because it's like I know I'm working my ass off and you're saying you could still easily replace me. And it's like I sometimes like don't believe that person.

I don't believe that. It's like straight up like Stockholm syndrome is what we were going through. that we take the abuse from people who aren't even in the room with us ever who who never stepped foot in our office but who have the power to tell us like oh we're gonna start phasing you out which is what they started telling me and i was like they actually said that to you yep and i'm like cool the thing that i've been working on is not really ours when did that happen was it was it phasing out when they stopped Smosh Pit Weekly or was it later on

in like just games stuff? It was games stuff. So it was basically like, oh, a little less, little less like, you know, in a more timely fashion of like,

oh, people won't notice sort of thing. And it's like, it's weird because it started to feel so far away from what we had all, you know, put so much time and effort into. And it's, I don't know, it's incredible how we've been able to scoop up everything and then like start over and like start like building this like mashed potato of like fun stuff and all the

good stuff, you know, and it's, I think it's incredible that all the good stuff remained out of all that. And I think this person that you're mentioning also told me that he would compare my work to another person's work within the company. And it's like, you should do it like this person because you should follow in this person's footsteps. I'm like, well, this person's journey and their life is completely different than mine like we're not the same person and and I don't like that type of authority especially from someone who has not lived my life who does not look like me tell me how I should carry out my career and journey just because this other female did it right and he approved the way she did it do you know what I mean and it's just like I remember hearing that I'm like I'm sorry that I'm not doing something the way

you envisioned my career to be like and I'm like but at the same time I shouldn't feel apologetic about that because the thing is like we're instilled like this competitiveness especially amongst like women to it's like you compare logical yeah and it's like you I don't need someone to compare me to someone because I already feel a lot of insecurities within myself you know so it's like I remember feeling pretty down and I'm like why am I letting this person affect me you know and it's like we can all help each other and like great I admire the way you came up. I admire the way you do your thing.

And I should also admire the way that I'm handling whatever I'm doing. That's so rough. That's like hearing a parent being like, why can't you be more like your sister? Exactly. And it's because I'm not my sister. And it's like, would I ever say that to another person? Like, hey, you should do this like this person. It's like I thought, you know, we're all individuals. We do do this like this person it's like i thought you

know we're all individuals we do our own thing and it's there's just so much more constructive ways of doing any kind of criticism for someone i think it's um going back to like competition i think one of the coolest moments that i had in my life and it came late it came really really late in my life is um just realizing that there's so much abundance everywhere and honestly like pam was like one like she is the person that opened that up for me and like really like melted so many of like my walls because i realized that you know there's there's no reason to like i don't, see other people's competition. Like it's just such a small like way of, of seeing things. But in our adolescence and when we're growing up, it's like

when the pool is so small, you feel that like, like there's only one really cute boy in the sixth grade class or whatever. And it's like those things that are like biologically like inherent in us, like come out in the worst ways. I think in adulthood I've realized, like, there's so much to go around. And especially now in an era where we're creating our own jobs and, like, making up things that we can do and, like, how to work with the people we want to work with. Like, in that world there is so much abundance. There's no reason to be like, that should have been mine. That shouldn't have been that person's. Yeah.

I think that for me, one of my biggest hurdles that I need to get through is because I grew up doing ballet, always in competitions. It's being competitive with other classmates in your class. And it's just like instilled in me that it's like I have to be really good but that at the same time I'm still dealing with that now it's just like there is a lot to go around and I think people are creating their own jobs and like I'm always so hard on myself no you're not doing enough you're not you're not trying hard enough and then like that's something that I struggle with daily maybe that's one of the reasons why I have to wake up do this this thing, do this thing, because I have to feel like my schedule is so jam-packed that I'm being productive.

Yeah, like, you can always be better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I was just dealing with that this morning. We were, like, recording. We have a song that we're recording. We're going to be filming.

I'm really excited with that with you guys. But, like, it's one of those things that I especially felt where it's like I could have done that better. I could have done more with today. I could have done more yesterday. Like it's just constantly like needing to be more than what you are, which sucks. Like I mean and then it's like I don't want to give that up either because I don't want to be lazy and not be thinking about how I could be better. Like I don't want to just be like I'm fine where I am. I don't want to do anything.

But at the same time, you want to be happy and sure of yourself. Us working in, you know, social media as public figures and stuff like that, we're also surrounded by other public figures. And we're now, you know, before it's like you didn't have social media

to update you on your friends' successes or other people's, how they look. And now you can see in an instant. It's like, oh, this person's doing this. Oh my God, wow. And look at me, I'm not doing this. Or like this person looks like this and I still look like this.

And it's like, now you get to see it instantly. For me, it gets overwhelming sometimes, but I have to remember, it's like I'm staying true to who I am. I'm not gonna let other things affect me. Like this is, I wanna live my life as a very authentic person. But it's hard because there's all these outside sources that come into play. Yeah, now we have, like, other perspectives.

It's like when you don't know any different and you're just doing your life. Yeah. That's one thing. But since we're seeing hundreds of people's different, more successful or less successful lives, it's. Yeah. Yeah, you can't help but compare yourself. I mean, even when we first came on, we were compared to Ianan and anthony and like why it sucked that we were there at first like i i don't know how much hate you got when you first started but like it was like a year or two before people

were like really down for for us like yeah did you was it rough at all oh um i heard she had the roughest like it was that's right you were like the first, so it makes sense. It was weird because it was always Ian and Anthony. And so having another person and especially it being another girl was like a double whammy. Who was Asian? Who, you know, I mean, I don't, yeah. I mean, it played into really easy jokes and really easy like pokes for like Asian people. But it was so much of it was like oh how did you get on the channel which guy are you sleeping with ian or anthony and it very

much becomes this this play of like oh the only reason why a woman can succeed in anything is if she's sleeping with somebody and that became a very relevant um sort of piece of conversation and you know i'm on the outside and we're all on the outside enough. And, you know, we were all in our respective relationships that, like, it was such a comfortable thing to look at from the outside. I saw it as something really interesting to see as where I was just like, man, sexism happens on both ends. It's not just men or women saying it's like it's both saying this or it's like the only reason why I'm on here is it had to have been that and so yeah I would say that my dislike to like ratio was about 55 to 60 percent um for I don't know how long Ryan like a year and a half yeah every Saturday and this was when like you could still see like the green bar to the red bar. Yeah, it was it was 50 50. But, you know, I mean, I think I in a lot of ways, like, I was able to create a bubble around me and see it just from like, the aspect of like, why people would see me as that that was a threat i was a threat on their like you know their teen idols of like

ian and anthony the perfect boys you know like and i remember being like that with like in sync like when when like britney spears started dating justin i was like oh my god there goes my chance what what a bitch i hate her that could have been my guy and i remember that mentality of it being so real to me that when i saw that and they're like oh now she's gonna take them away i'm like oh i understand where you're coming from it's not that but i hope you know i i can earn you with merit so i remember when we had our first episode of seriously super stupid sleepover come out we were like cool it's out and i had no idea that that was being uploaded in place of smosh pit weekly like i didn't know that there was a

like i was like what i was like oh this is replacing something i had no idea and like i didn't know you like at all at that point and like so the fans were really upset like at first yeah like i remember it's such a different strange show and it's so weird that they create that So the fans were really upset, like, at first. Yeah. Like, I remember. It's such a different, strange show. And it's so weird that they create that competition as if, like, you guys took my spot. Like, it wasn't that. Like, the show was coming to an end. I had no idea until I read the comments.

And I was like, oh. Same, same. And then you're like, ugh, now I'm feeling really bad that I did. It's like we did wrong by you. We had no idea. And it's not that. Yeah. But I don't know.

I think I always have to put myself in the position of fans. And it's like by them saying that to you guys, they're defending me. Like they have some sort of like, you know, to like i don't know defend me in some way it's like how the tables have turned it repeats itself yeah but it's also like why start shit you know yeah totally they're like and then the first summer games was like pretty quickly after that i think was it really i mean real fast yeah I mean I was brought on April early April and and Summer Games was on my birthday that year and I think we did like the the shoot I don't know I don't know how the timing lined up but like what was that like for you guys I feel like I came in hot like

I came in and they were like oh make vines and and and yeah and we did all that stuff and like you you Olivia you and Keith and Noah like were just coming out of this like slump because they hired you guys and then you were just like do like tell me like that nobody really told us like our job title oh I remember that and it was like I was I mean for me I was very confused I thought it was brought on to be an actor. Didn't know I was brought on to be also a personality. I didn't even think, I was so confused. But I was doing this with two other people who were just as confused. So we were just like trying, like nobody was really talking to us unless we were needed.

So it was very confusing. I wish there was someone who told us hey this is what it is and like you know this is what you're required to do because i remember you guys would spend like eight hours at the office yeah doing nothing just watching like old smosh sketches and um getting to know each other but yeah it was really interesting but and then when you guys came in you had this burst of energy and we're just, we've been doing this for like three months, and we're like, we're kind of just like, we're not sure what we're doing. Yeah, you guys were contractually told to pretty much just stare at a wall eight hours a day. And then when you come in, and all of a sudden they're doing personality content and having us do vines and all this crazy stuff.

Yeah, and we had to immediately gel. Like, we had to immediately become these best friends and that was so odd because it there was no like training program it's like you got to do this yeah we had a lunch friends and we had one lunch and we're like all right so I mean I knew Courtney and Shane knew Noah and it was just so weird and you had to it's like you had to turn it on and I never understood what that really meant until I was like there was this video where I looked like I was pissed but I wasn't pissed you just didn't know I remember this this is just who I am as a person like like as a person I'm not on like I'm a very real like chill chill I don't it's it's not who I am so and then I realized I quickly figured out that

YouTube fans and people who watch YouTube want to see you very engaged and interested and it wasn't that I wasn't engaged or interested I was just I thought this was me like I'm just who I am so and then it's just like okay you really have to like be very interactive you know and like so but then we all became I think we had like you and I had a rough patch because I didn't know I think it's like we knew each other as friends outside of work so when you start working with a person you really understand like oh this is how they work it's very it becomes you see a different side of them that you're not used to seeing we were four feet away from each other eight hours a day. Yeah, and it was like, okay, so now we have to bond in a way that wasn't like how we were.

It's like, oh, now we also have to somehow mesh together in a work environment. And I think it was – and there were a lot of people, not a lot, maybe there was one person who would be in both of our ears or other people's ears talking shit about each other. Like, oh, she said this about you. He said this about you. And it's just like perpetuating the competitiveness and the. Yeah, dude, that's not. Yeah.

And it's just like, but I quickly understood. I was like, that's not how you're supposed. Like, first of all, you shouldn't meddle between cast members who are supposed to be best friends, you know? Like, and I remember this was. Was that like one of the producers? Yeah, it was really damaging. It was really damaging to have someone who was an authority figure go and start creating these allies and rivalries between each of us.

And I don't know if i'm i know that's very honest about what happened and like that's real that that particular person enjoyed stirring the pot yeah that's so rough because he he i think he felt like it was making him closer to each of us yes yes and that and it's just so easy to manipulate two girls who are now on this channel and have to be like good and like I know that I came in very hot and just like eager because it was like YouTube was my dream job and like in a lot I like just like you I wasn't told a lot of stuff so like I didn't understand a lot of things so I would I would act entitled towards certain things like so there was a lot like that made it hard to like mesh for sure yeah and i

think it was because it was our first job like none of us we were all actors like none of us were in this environment so we really had to learn how to communicate with each i don't know if smosh games was like that as well but no we just talk shit to each other yeah like you guys are real you guys are pretty good we were just so held back. Like, we, until we realized we were going to be with each other for the next four years. And we just had to, if we wanted to work together, like, we couldn't be selfish. Like, our goal had to be the same goal. And, like, we had to really just bond and be open with each other and, like.

There was a priority yeah and i remember my ways of doing things shifted like how i approached a problem shifted it's like okay how are we gonna make this productive and like how are we gonna like each other and like be close without i wonder if like like bts goes through the same thing i don't know what's going on yeah i'm sure i don't know let's get a k-pop band on here yeah let's talk about how they all mesh oh my god so many of them but now like we love each other and literally it was probably like six months later we're all like okay like i love you like you're like my sibling like you know it was just like the the rocky first it's growing pains it's it's

readjusting finding the equilibrium and like joe and matt rob originally were like summer games because it was sure it was cool content but it was also they're like it's time for these people to like really like bond yeah like games and sketch together and that was that was like fun really like the only two times that we got to come together and they were like wonderful it was amazing first week was the first summer games. He was the ref. That's right. He wasn't even on the team.

And I remember we were saying how things just repeat itself. I remember when Anthony left and Ian had to come back to the group and also gel with us and understand and try to see us at a friend level, like as a person. And that was also really interesting, too too because it's like he was with anthony and they had their thing and then him coming and joining the squad dynamic we also had growing pains with that and like you you and shane were very like open and vocal and told him like i i hate confrontation so i just was like just listening but you guys were also like like hey this is how we do things and you guys made it a point to like include him and feel open to like discussing

certain issues with him and i thought that was really awesome too because that's exactly what we did with the squad so and now ian i see him as a friend and someone that i can be like hey that was rude what you said you know like i couldn't I couldn't, now I feel the liberty to be like, hey, that wasn't cool. And, like, that just brings us closer. Dude, remember when we first started and, like, Ian and Anthony were, like, never in the building? It was like seeing, like, nowadays, because Rhett and Link are so freaking busy,

we'll maybe see them pass by. Also, our office is, like, kind of not connected to theirs fully. But that's, like, how it was with Ian and Anthony. Like, they'd maybe pop in and be like, hey. We'd be my god hey how are you okay bye yeah no it's like they were like Charlie yeah Charlie's Angels yeah it was hi Charlie yeah yeah I forgot about that they would come in like once every two weeks or something huh yeah I mean Smosh the movie was coming out in the beginning they were busy boys yeah I think i remember anthony like saying like we're basically as busy as a president like he said that i don't know if he was joking but he definitely said that hilarious that's funny yeah

i think by then they were both off of games so it was kind of expected that we didn't see them but yeah you guys were in the the dark corner oh yeah we were in the cave yeah they shoved us in a cave because we were always too loud oh yeah you guys you two had like a slenderman oh my god do you remember that oh my god you were so nauseous i hate that i'm like everyone knows i like to not do that. What the hell was that? Why was I so dizzy? Did I have to wear anything on my eyes? I don't think so.

Oh, I'm just watching the screen. I think we were just playing a PC game. And, you know, like, we normally record for, like, an hour, 15, hour and a half. And then you tapped out at, like, 20 minutes. Yeah. And I was like, cool. Literally, first of all, the cave had no air. It was so hot. It was all dark. was all dark play this game i've never played don't really know how to use those consoles like those buttons

and i'm just like watching this i'm like i literally i'm about to throw up on mari i'm like that is why i watch the real housewives and i don't watch slender man i was like oh god i was like that was a very fond memory of mine you were just like i was like i was like what am i doing and then we were supposed to be talking to each other i'm like i can't even focus on one thing like and i'm doing both you're so out of your element so out of my element but i was like i'm like all, all right, cool. Hate games. Only game I like is Rummy Cube. What's Rummy Cube?

It's like a board game for old women. Yeah, that's not love. It's a very old, old game. It's about patterns and numbers. Love that game. Don't like games on a screen. You don't have games on your phone? Yeah, Instagram. Nice. My favorite game, Instagram. Nice.

My favorite game, Facetuning. Facetune's a game, for sure. It is a game. With that said, now you're a video gamer now. I mean, you've always played games, but now you're, like, on the channel. I've always loved video games, but, yeah, this was crazy. I didn't realize how big of a deal this the sims show release was until like you started talking with me about it because i was like holy holy

shit like because did did you ever have a show where it was just you uh yes you did original mario craft was super mario fun time it was just you yeah okay cool because i was really scared i was like wait is this the first like show that like is a just a female host and nothing else because that just felt really shitty to me to be like taking that from you because like i don't know you didn't there was no like handing off the lantern or if that's a thing torch i was really offended because nobody approached me to play slender man Oh my gosh if we could just have like little bits of you playing Slender Man like at for 20 minutes only at a time. Just drool from the nausea. But Sims is fun. I used to play Sims as a kid. That's like very fun. Sims is the best. I played Sims 2.

One time I played it for like 12 hours straight and it was it was at my friend's house. She was like napping while I played. Hilarious. So it just it's very on brand it's like it's the perfect show for me that if I were to have any show I'm really excited I'm super embarrassed so well and I love it just as an audience member like I don't even I like I don't want to see any episodes in advance I like I want to watch it as purely an audience member because I'm genuinely curious what happens you didn't make any bathrooms for our crappy house? How come the games house sucks? Because I didn't have enough time.

Okay, so I had one day where I literally was on Sims 4 prepping for hours. And, like, Damien and Shane would come in and, like, hang out with me while I did it. And then I had, they were like, Matt Robb was like, oh, okay, and now make more. But, like, you only have, like, a couple hours to do that. And I was like, okay. So I didn't get to, like, make get to make each room on brand for you guys. And then I forgot a fucking bathroom. It's so good.

I also forgot to make Ian. Like an idiot. People were so mad. I made Matt, Rob, and Sarah, but I didn't make Ian. Hilarious. I'm so stupid. Well, here's the thing. When I first started playing Sims 4 in the office office because that's my first time playing it ever i've played sims 2 literally up

until six months ago um and i was like oh okay to practice and play a little bit i'll make ian i'll see what building a house is like and whatever and so i made him and i think i thought he was already in the map but it turns turns out I was on the Steam version, which is a different platform where the game was. And they're like, okay, well, here's Sims. So he has his own world. He's in his own separate universe. He's got his whole own world.

Maybe those two universes will collide one of these days. End game. End game. Yeah, so I think he needs to—I'll make him. I will. I think, like the podcast, your show has a very different candor, and I think that's so cool. I love it.

Because Smash Games is always, like, group dynamics, like, freaking crazy off the wall, people, you know, talking at the same time, yada, yada, yada. And podcast allows for you guys, everyone, all of us, to have a very different tone and i think your show does that too and i love that it's a variety yeah thank you we need that thank you it i definitely like filming it felt so weird to me because like literally no one was in the room except for brennan our camera like operations guy and that was so strange to me like even having him just him in the back i was

like thank god because like i am so used to bouncing off of someone in these videos so like it felt so weird to be just me in the center of attention like i still don't know how i feel about it like even hosting podcasts like i'm like i don't know how i feel about being like leading on something it feels very strange yeah thank you guys it. It's all like part of the glow up. And it's like, it's such a weird play on like, you know, we've gone through our lives this far and we're still insecure. Like we still get insecure all the time. I'm insecure, I know.

I have no eyebrows on. Dude, you look great. Oh, thank you. I think it's important that everyone knows that it happens insecurity is just you know we hide it well we hide it well on social media yes you know and it's it's i think that something that we're all really conscious about but we also still really struggle about i think when an audience sees just our social like it's important to continuously have that conversation of like like all's important to continuously have that conversation

of like like all the glamorous like crazy things that's not us 24 7 like that is me 24 7 i'm gonna be in italy so i'm gonna be in italy very soon i need my humidifier i need my humidifier no it's it's it's like a version everything is always a version you know like the version of me going to trader joe's is not really the version of me going at home. Yeah. Just kidding. I'm literally the same way. I'm just saying like it's everything you see on social media is literally

10% of the whole person. I think that's probably why we feel all insecure about being better in our lives is because we're seeing the social media versions of other people's lives. I'm like, oh, I'm supposed to have that great of a life too when it's like i see corny drinking smoothies after her workout that's all i think she does but she is literally more than that yeah i could be taking the the flexing mirror photos and stuff people wouldn't know i go to

the gym if i didn't post even just those smoothie photos. That's the thing. Like, unless you're, like, shoving it in people's faces, the people watching really don't know anything other than what you put out there. It's crazy how much, like, we think we know people. And now people are on YouTube sharing way too much. Yeah. And it's now, like, becoming, like, now it's expected sometimes. It's scary. It's like, as a a fan i expect you to be very open about these things and like you know and it's like sometimes you are just sometimes i just

am at the chick-fil-a drive-thru crying okay we all need those moments we all need our private that part because it's that don't you know it's it's weird to film yourself crying like yeah so don't forget to it's it's weird to film yourself crying like yeah so don't forget to sigh before you do that yeah i love that video the girl who's just crying and doing selfies like i had a thought and i forgot what it was what the fuck mari you better remember dude it was it was your face that i was like, oh my God. That took it away? Well, no, I was fully focused on it. I'm like, that's really funny. Sometimes I just want to like put out a funny sketch and for the viewers to be like, ha-ha,

and then just like move on and that's the exchange. Not like, I need to know every bad thing you've ever done. Or sometimes it's like I look at my stories and everything I posted was me in bed, but they forget that 90% of my day was spent outside running errands, doing all of this. But they're like, oh, she's probably just, her life must be this way. She must be a lazy fuck if she's just in bed all day, you know? It's like, oh, no, that was just me, like, for. It's that, like, iceberg analogy, right?

Like, you see, like, the iceberg above water, but then there's, like, a lot underneath. Yeah. above water but then there's like a lot a lot underneath yeah yeah but you know i mean the way that we do broadcast our lives people think that that's the full package yeah and i can understand why why someone would think that because i think that of other people you know and it's like it's important to just keep having the conversation that it's not i just have to find like an equilibrium that what i show the people is interesting. But then my life as myself is also very abundant and interesting and not the what people see isn't everything. I have to be really solid myself and be confident as without. That's one of the things is that am I the same without all the exterior stuff added on to me. Like, do I think I'm valuable in my eyes without being a member of Smosh,

having beautiful hair? I'm just kidding. You know, it's like... You do. Guys. You know. Yeah, but, like, the other week, I went on a hike with my friend, and, like, it was really nice.

It was, like, awesome view. It was where that top of the world where there was a piano as we were leaving her friend was like do you want me to take a picture of you or anything and like there's definitely times where you're somewhere beautiful and you're doing something special and not common that you do in your life and but in those moments i'm just like no i think i want this one for me yeah yeah and that like makes it feel more special like nobody else knows that i had this amazing day for sure yeah i feel like that a lot with like conversations where it's just like oh that would have been a great podcast but it's also really nice to just have like a sit-down lunch

with someone you really like enjoy or admire yeah and just just talk yeah not be on my real person yeah yeah i need to check myself all the time with that stuff, too. Checking your phone? Well, yeah, or just, like, sometimes I'll be in a very, like, great conversation, and then the side of my mind, I'm like, I did not check my phone once. I'm like, I'm really happy that I didn't. Like, I'm back to just, I'm so connected with this person. And that's, like, important. It's like the epitome of sunset photos on instagram

it's like you see something beautiful or something's happening and you feel like you instantly need to document it and show that it happened otherwise it didn't and it's like that's people should not live their lives that way like it is sunset happens every day sunset literally happens every day many times a day technically because it's around the world constantly happening constantly happening constantly Constantly happening. Constantly sun setting, constantly being photographed, constantly being liked on Instagram.

I mean, it's a weird tie to like mortality though, right? Like, it all comes from the fear of dying. Like, we want proof of something happening, so that we can like,

at the end of the day, be like, I did that. And then 10 years later, be like, that happened. And I have proof of it. And there's something tangible.

But, you know, I mean, it's, I have the best days when it's not documented on my Instagram that's really cool yeah that's really beautiful to know yeah but not saying that what I'm showing you guys isn't like a best day like I the one thing is like if I'm showing how happy I am I better be fucking happy myself inside you know it's like I if I'm faking it I just feel like a really bad person inside like I just feel icky that I'm faking my happiness to people it's not authentic because I look at people and they're faking it I just lose my trust in them you know I'm just like oh you're just not real you know and I just want to with documenting stuff like you said Mari there was a weird thing that I came went through with when we did my diary videos where we like read my middle school school diaries I now am like doing a diary again like just keeping a journal

because I think it's that same thing I want to document these things and it was actually really nice because like when I am combing through those diaries and not cringing my ass off there's like a lot that I'm like wow wow, I did that. Or, like, wow, it's crazy that I had this mentality at this specific time. And it's, like, actually really cool to be able to have that documented to look back on for myself. Yeah. And it's private.

It's for me. And so that's why I started doing the journal again. We're never making videos of these ones. Who knows? You'll be 60 years old and it's like, okay, let's go through Courtney's. Oh, no. Because our videos that we shoot of each other when we're on set and we're not, you know, like, I love that. The stories.

The stories of us just having fun, you and I rap battling. Like, that's, I love that because then that's a memory. And I do it because I'm, like, so happy in the moment with you guys doing that. It's it's it's that's like really real to me. Like and I get to say and I watch those videos like ones in Sacramento. Like I'll watch us goofing off. Yeah, dude. It's Sacramento days.

But like that's so true. Like if Keith gets a funny snap of me, I guess I call it snap. It's Instagram. I would I tell him to save it and send it to me. I won't even post it. I just want it. Me too. It'll go away.

Well, it's this weird tangibility of needing digital proof that things happened. We're just changing as humans. I don't think it's just important to know that we are changing as humans, like what we need in order to feel like our life is, you know, it's being lived. And there's some sort of memory that goes along with it that's not just stuffed in our brains. Yeah. And it's good to like have things that remind you of those good memories because it's like because sometimes you'll have a day like I'll be like man like I'm so not happy like why does it feel like nothing is good right now

but then you're like I get I can see like literally yesterday I was having I was dancing with Keith and you're like there are good things that I have

perspective change yeah and like who you are a year ago is not going to be the person you are today that's like that journey is good

that journey is good I'm a Gemini and I'm constantly changing. You've got like a hundred different faces. I'm a Scorpio which makes me a fucking weird Scorpio.

I can't even tell you're a Scorpio. Get out. I know. I watched it. You crazy. I watched the sketch and I'm like, oh my God,

we're the crazy ones. Yeah. I'm scared. The Gemini scene hit me. That was so real how Shaneane acted as a gemini i was like damn that's me really i don't feel like you're like that i didn't know that you guys were your signs until now really i don't know i'm a leo oh yeah that's why we're friends the only

reason the only reason i picked you because you're a leo Do we have time? I have a question for you guys. Do it. I have a question for you guys being, like, female writers of sketch. Because I recently watched Always Be My Maybe. And I've always hated rom-coms. Like, growing up, I never liked them. And I realize why I never liked them. And it's because of the way women are depicted in rom-coms. And it's for the first time since, like, Crazy Rich Crazy Rich Asians and like a few rom-coms here and there that I've now realized women are written differently and I think it's because women are writing women like

characters now yeah but you guys being in the position that you guys are in being able to write like how you guys are depicted like how has that been like empowering and how's that been cool for you guys i mean it wasn't always like that which is like a thing like when we first started i mean remember when you just kind of come in be say a couple lines and like peace out like that was and do a thumbnail photo yeah make sure they got that cleavage shot yeah i i do not from me I got no cleave. I mean, they tried. A lot of face-taking. A lot of that. But, yeah, it's come a long way.

I made a dig at one point when we were doing some writing, and I was like, you know, it's really like there's a lot of scenes where the dude enters, and it's like, ha-ha, yes, here is this conflict. And the female follows along going, yes. And then the male goes, ha-ha-ha, I fixed the conflict and she goes oh dude and then the then the scene's over like that's how a lot of scenes seem to me um but like it definitely it's just cool even just being able to write it at all and just have being given that ability um definitely makes things feel better and you feel more in control because and I'm totally talking

I'm sorry anyway no no no I mean this is a question for that I had yeah purely like for you guys because you guys have been able to change like the the voice of the brand by being able to be involved in that and I think that's really really cool the sketches that come out now have been highly elevated in my opinion. And I think it has to do with the fact that there's more views. Not views like view counts, but like perspectives. Yeah. Because, I mean, we didn't really have a whole lot of control sometimes over how we as women were in certain content like I know uh if I was getting dressed for a scene they wanted to

make sure I was wearing something where then they would I remember the wardrobe was big okay now push them up and like I'd have to oh I remember myself have cleavage and like sometimes I had to be like no yeah I can't like that's like too much um and and just kind of being an except from going to being an accessory in scenes because like smosh was two dudes making videos and they usually played most of the roles until we started or they'd have a casting of sacramento actors but like now that we actually can be like the focus of scenes and the focus of like the concept of a video and how to not piss off women how to not piss off asians like those things focused around us like it's pretty cool because i'm asian you are you're so asian i love your i love i love you in that video oh my god that was a really hard video to act in i just watched always be my maybe last night yesterday and like i i like literally

cried so hard and it was an element because i love the story it's it's so different because it's not like the cool wealthy dude and the girl who's struggling it's like this woman is the really famous successful one and the guy is the one that's kind of in a slump and he has to go and chase her and like she's the one that's deciding do i want to be with you know it's like a different dynamic and like she's so powerful and like it's it's great and i started crying this is so weird but there's a scene in there when they're having sex and like i was so emotional watching that well the whole time i was because you never see two Asian, like an Asian couple doing something so intimate on screen. It's either fetishized or it's like you don't see it.

But in this scene, it's two people loving each other, like having sex. And it's like, I don't think I've ever seen that ever. Because you usually see not Asian people doing that. And it's something so intimate. And sometimes in our culture where that's like a taboo but for them to highlight that in this movie for kind of a long time too it was it was so awesome to see and then towards the end of the movie I was just crying so much because two Asian people wrote this about not them being Asian there was the dad wasn't the stereotypical Asian dad like they were were just normal people. And like for them to write that story and just made,

I think it just made everyone feel very included, you know, in this. I loved it. It was so good. Yeah, I loved the choices they made. Yeah, and it just, they weren't like, hey, we're Asian. It wasn't like that at all. It's just like, this is our life. This is our experience.

We drink soups. Like we have this red soup and it's just not it's not like oh we're gonna we're gonna just profit off the fact that we're asian it's just like it was it's i think it's real stories are being told now and it's coming to a point where hollywood understands that it doesn't have to be this like the way that you see like what like chinese new year is in a kmart you know like it's like it to be this like the way that you see like what like Chinese New Year is in a Kmart you know like it's like it has to look like a certain way for people to understand what what an Asian thing is like I think we're getting to a point where audiences are smart enough and they're talking about it enough that Hollywood is responding with like oh people just want real

stories that that they go through not just like a prepackaged what, you know, like the overall sort of like what an Asian person has to be or what a, you know, like what a gay person's life has to be or, you know, like just a minority figure in general. Like it's gotten to a point where it's like, let's take away the element that makes it different and bring together all the things that makes it different and bring together all the things that make us human and come together and i think this movie last little thing they did it really well where you know at the end she has her parents come and she takes her on the red they she takes them on the red carpet even though they've abandoned her her whole life she still does and

it has something to do with like i think as asian culture like even if your parents like are not there with you fully you have to have give them this respect with that is a part of this culture and like bring that in but then her naming the restaurant after this mother figure that she had like that was her really close connection with this person i just think that like everyone can relate to this movie but at the same time there were like no little things like kimchi jjigae it's something that like koreans love to eat and it's just like these little like really cute details in it that's like oh this is so like asian and awesome but at the same time this is just a story about a couple yeah but it's so i i agree like it's so cool they just they just have

it there it's not in your face and but it's it's very clearly there and like enjoyable obviously and like i think when we make our videos and smosh, it's, like, since we have the voice, it's no longer doing how we think is palatable for a viewer. It's trying to show genuinely how a woman would be in this situation. Like, we definitely, it's come far with that, too. And I think both Smosh and that movie have in common or what we're trying to do, what they so lovely,

like they did a great job, but like, it's just setting a standard of like, this is what it should be. And this is what it is. This is what it really is. And like, we're not going to make it appear to be something that it's not other than

when our videos get hello, crazy and weird, which is also just a reflection of you guys in general anyway. Smosh me crazy sometimes. But, um... Wow. Wow. Wow.

This has been a great talk. I'm glad we made time for our talk. I love talking. This is why I get nervous about hosting, guys. I have to pee so bad. I don't know how to end these things. You want a bottle?

This one's almost empty. Oh, I still have coffee. Oh, nervous about hosting, guys. I have to pee so bad. I don't know how to end these things. You want a bottle? This one's almost empty. Oh, I still have coffee. Oh, speaking of which, yeah. These are our Smosh water bottles. Be sure to check out our Smosh.store. Thank you guys so much for coming and hanging out with me and casting this pod with me. Yeah. I love you guys.

I love you guys. I love you guys. Oh, my God. Shut up. Sad high-fiving. Yeah, and thank you guys so much for watching And listening The full audio episodes come out on Wednesdays

And the full video episodes come out on Fridays Fridays you get to see our faces But Wednesdays you get to hear us say some naughty words I said a lot of them this week But yeah so Love you guys don't miss us You don't want to miss yeah so love you guys don't miss us all right you don't want to miss this don't want to miss this all right love you bye bye