Smosh Mouth - S1: #43 - Last to Leave the Office Wins $100,000 (Radio Play)

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

In this special murder mystery SmoshCast, tensions run high when Ian offers $100,000 to whoever can survive a night in the haunted Smosh offices.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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agreement with iGaming Ontario. Ramble. Rambles. a murder mystery radio play. We were originally going to do it for Halloween, but we ran out of time. So we thought, why not do a spooky murder mystery Christmas-themed radio play? So essentially what a radio play is, it's like watching a television show, but it's just audio. If you guys like it, then we'll do more.

So we brought in the whole cast for this episode. We had a great time. I don't want to spoil anything. There's lots of spooks though. It's spooky. And after you listen to this, we're going to spoil anything. There's lots of spooks though. It's spooky. And after you listen to this, we're going to have like a little after show where we talk about it. I also highly recommend after you guys listen to this, you watch the video that comes out on Friday on the Smoshcast YouTube channel, because hearing it's one thing and seeing our coworkers, Garrett and Jackie do all the the sound effects, it's something to behold.

So I'm going to shut up now and in the Smosh office boardroom, the cast feels the holiday cheer. But there's more. A feeling of doom? Ian, Keith, Olivia, Courtney, and Shane wait for the arrival of their friends, chatting and completely unaware that this may be the end. See, there's a chill in the air, but there's murder in the forecast. So the real chill is up ahead in this special episode of the Smoshcast. We should really clean up this office before winter break.

I'm not cleaning up the prop table. All those doll-sized props creep me out. Really, Shane? I think they're cute. Keith, where's Noah? I thought he gave you a ride. He's parking. He drops me off first because I complain if I have to walk too far. Noah enters out of breath and takes his seat. Hey guys! Noah!

It's Noah. Noah slides his chair out and plops into his seat. Sorry I'm late. I forgot the code to the parking gate, so I had to park down the street between the abandoned mental hospital and the old balloon factory. Under the bridge that echoes with the sound of children's laughter? Where the psycho murderer's shackles were found after he escaped from prison?

Yep. Okay, so we're just waiting on Damien now. Noah, are you wearing a wallet chain? Yeah, it's just like my new thing. Told him it looks dumb, but he won't take it off. Olivia lies. It doesn't look dumb. Noah doesn't notice.

Thank you, Olivia. Damien hurriedly rushes in. He looks disheveled, like he hasn't slept in days. His friends hesitantly greet him. Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late. I had to take the bus because my car broke down and I spent my last paycheck on a bad hopscotch bet. My ringer Aiden sprained his ankle playing freeze tag in the off-season. Anyway, are we ready to start? Yeah. Welcome to a very special episode of the Smoshcast. We're coming to

you from the Smosh office holiday party. I'm here with Shane, Courtney, Olivia, Keith, Damien, and Noah. As we all know, but maybe the listeners don't, the Smosh office is haunted. And with that in mind, I'd like to make you all an offer. Whoever can spend the entire night in the haunted office with me gets to split $100,000. Are you serious? 100,000% Wait, is this episode for the holidays or Halloween? No, it's December

Right, so The holidays Okay, then why are we suddenly talking about the office being haunted? Yeah, ghosts and Christmas don't really go together Oh, what about the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol, starring Scrooge McDuck? Look, can you guys just please stop questioning the haunting? I'm going for a very specific vibe here, and you're messing it up. And what vibe is that?

Spooky Christmas. That's not a thing. Okay, well, now the vibe is money, okay? Remember the money? I do. I could really use $100,000. Well, we'd all split it. In that case, I think everyone should consider leaving so I can have all the money. Don't you think that's a little selfish? Yeah. You don't deserve the money any more than the rest of us just because you made the decision to lose everything gambling.

We're all going to split the money evenly. Well, I wouldn't count that money yet. I mean, you'd have to make it through the night first. A lot of mysterious and scary things have happened in this office. Things that I can tell you about as I have experienced them firsthand. I feel like you're trying to get us to ask you what happened. Great question, Keith. Well, one night I was working really hard on an important project. Everyone else had left for the day. I was at my desk when... When what? Oh, sorry, I was expecting to go into a flashback.

Flashback sounds. Yeah, there it is. Dear Tony the Tiger, I am a big fan of your cereal and your message. Would you love to collab maybe more? What was that? Hello? Anyone out there? The flashback's over.

I was too scared to leave my office, so I slept in there. I bet it was aliens. I bet it was nothing. I bet my entire life savings and most of my possessions on a series of children's schoolyard games. Well, that is very concerning. This isn't about you, Damien. This is about the ghosts in the office and my very generous offer of $100,000 to those of you who are brave enough to spend the night among the ghosts. This is so cool.

It's like a murder mystery radio play. We're in an abandoned theater in the night among the ghosts. This is so cool. It's like a murder mystery radio play. We're in an abandoned theater in the 1920s. No, we're not in an abandoned movie theater and this isn't a murder mystery radio play. It's just a group of people making an audio recording of their chilling experience in a haunted location overnight during which some may perish under unknown circumstances. I'm not staying here all night.

I'm gonna go. Are you sure? She's sure. Wait, why? Don't you want to see what mysteries await you? No, I don't do mysteries, surprises, or conundrums. I need to be able to plan ahead. Bye, guys.

Bye, Lib-Lib. I'll walk you out. We follow Noah and Olivia out of the boardroom into the parking lot. I don't blame you for leaving. I'm a little scared, too. I'm not scared. I have to catch a flight to Spain.

Oh, cool. What are you going to Spain for? Dinner. Are you going to have paella? I don't know. I love paella. Okay. Olivia gets into her car, and Noah lingers, watching her drive away with images of paella

dancing in his head. And as he turns to go inside, Noah hits a snag when his wallet chain gets caught on the gate. Ow! No, my chain! The gate begins to close, inching closer and closer to Noah as he struggles to free himself. Come on. Come on, come on. inching closer and closer to Noah as he struggles to free himself. Come on. Come on, come on. Okay, what's the gate code?

What's the gate code? It's definitely four numbers, right? Oh, maybe it's six numbers. Oh, no. Oh, no! No! Ow! Unfortunately for Noah, his screams cannot be heard by his friends back in the boardroom,

who are getting into the holiday spirit. We should get cozy and watch a Christmas movie or something. That sounds so fun. It'll be like a slumber party. No, it's not a fun slumber party. It's a harrowing night of survival. Hey, shouldn't Noah be back by now? Keith, buddy, don't worry about Noah. I'm sure he's alive. Why wouldn't he be alive? That's what I'm saying. Hey, we

should go get a snack in the kitchen and get your mind off your late friend. No, I'm good. Weirdo. Aw, come on. I'm hungry. Let's go get a snack. Damien, no. I said I'm good. Uh, you're good with having a snack? So you're gonna come with me?

No, I'm good now. Like, I don't need to go with you because I'm already good. Oh, you have to admit, that's a pretty confusing phrase. So you can see how I could misinterpret that to mean you'd like to come with me. Maybe next time you should say, no thank you. No, I'm good. I'll go with you. No thank you. I'll stay here with Keith. But you said you were hungry.

Yes, I guess I did say that. Let's go, Shane. Shane leads the way to the kitchen as Damien reluctantly joins him. Looking back at Keith with an indiscernible expression, the door closes,

leaving Keith, Courtney, and Ian alone in the boardroom. That was weird, right? Yeah, Damien seems really aggressive tonight. And where the hell is Noah? I'm gonna go look for him. Out there? All alone? In this haunted office where Noah disappeared? And Damien, a desperate man with nothing left to lose, sees you as an obstacle between him and $100,000? Uh, no. I guess I'll just call him.

Hi, you've reached the Church of Noah Grossman, a real church that meets the minimum requirements for tax-exempt status. If you are the IRS, please do not leave a message, as it is against the teachings of the Church of Noah Grossman to speak to the agents of any government entity. Thank you, and God bless you. Or whatever we believe. Okay, I'm getting really worried now.

Don't turn this into Noah Gate. He probably just ran into the boys in the kitchen. Or the ghosts got him. The ghosts did not get anyone. Sure they did. Why do you think Shane screams all the time? That's just his personality. He has low self-esteem and needs to be loud so people acknowledge that he's there.

The ghosts! That sounds like it came from the kitchen. We should check on them. I'm so comfy here. And I'm not gonna walk into Damien's weird trap. Do you think it's a trap door? Like in an abandoned theater? Oh shit, could be. No, it's not. This isn't an abandoned

theater. Isn't it though? No! Fine! I'm gonna go check on the boys while you two scaredy cats hide in here. I'm not a scaredy cat. Yeah, and cats are badass anyway. They're basically living weapons with sharp claws and no empathy. Sorry, I don't understand cat. With Keith and Ian firmly planted in their seats,

Courtney walks into the kitchen to find Shane, out of breath, standing over Damien's body. Shane, what happened? We were eating cookies and Damien attacked me. I had to use my big muscles to take him down. Flashback again. Another flashback. Man, I sure do love cookies. Yeah, me too. Hey, can you check if there are more in the cabinet? Sure. Shane hops onto the countertop and reaches into the cabinet, searching for something to satisfy his friend's hunger. I don't see any. Maybe in the back?

Still not finding anything. Keep looking! Shane continues his quest for cookies, unaware that his best friend has finally ginger... snapped. I'm so sorry, Shane. Damien winds up and lunges at Shane. Ow!

Their bodies make contact and they scuffle. Dude, what? Just die! No! And a flashback. Wow, good thing you have such big muscles. I know, right? Good job, big boys.

What was that? Nothing. Love you, big boys. Are you talking to your muscles? No, not at all. We have to be discreet. Anyway, I checked. He's still alive, just unconscious. I can't believe he really tried to hurt you for money.

We should carry him back to the boardroom so we can keep an eye on him when he wakes up. Good idea. I got him. Are you sure you don't need help? No. I've got these big boys. Here, let me at least get his feet. No, why do you love his feet so much? Why do you have to act like you're such a macho asshole?

Let me help! No, I got it. Shane continues his struggle until suddenly, the lights go out. Shane and Courtney fumble to find their phones. When they turn their flashlights on, they find that Damien's gone. I must have thrown him into the next room when the lights went out. Bad boys. Did you hear that? Yeah, what was it? I don't care. Let's go to the boardroom.

It's empty. Or is it? Hello? Who's there? It's Shane and Courtney. Keith slowly emerges from under the table. Why are you hiding? Where's Ian? Ian went to go fix the lights and my phone died while I was trying to call Noah again, so I don't have a flashlight. And I got scared. Okay, well, we'll stay here with you while I call for help. Damien attacked Shane and ran away. Wow, way to gloss over how I beat him into submission and carried his body across the office.

I knew there was something going on with him. Oh, does any one of you have a phone charger I can borrow? Keith, there's no power. Right. So, how can you... Uh, guys, I don't have service or Wi-Fi. I'll call for help. Wait, I don't either.

Suddenly, the door to the boardroom begins to shake. Who's there? The door flies open to reveal Tim from IT. Tim? From IT? Yeah, sorry, I pulled the door instead of pushing. I just wanted to let you guys know that the Wi-Fi is down for maintenance. Thanks, Tim! From IT?

Why is Tim working on the Wi-Fi at night when the power's out? He's just a really hard worker. Yeah, Tim's the best. You mean Tim's the vest? Yeah. In case you missed the joke, Tim always wears a vest. Keith does not appreciate Shane's

excellent pun. Push! Hey guys. Olivia? When the lights from Shane and Courtney's phones hit Olivia, they see that she is covered in cuts and bruises and they wonder what see that she is covered in cuts and bruises, and they wonder what happened. You're covered in cuts and bruises? What happened? When I was leaving, my car ran into a pole and knocked down a power line.

You knocked down a power line? My car knocked down a power line. Then a cell tower. I figured I'd just wait here and order an Uber. Maybe the office really is haunted. Or Damien did something to Olivia's car. Help! Help me! Is that Ian? Where is he?

Not here, which is where we're staying. Please! Somebody help me! We should really go- No! Damien is still out there. This could be another trap. Plus, Ian didn't want to go after you, so why would you want to help him? Oh, I didn't know that. Please! I'm so sorry for all my past indiscretions! Please help me!

I don't accept his apology, but my heart is my biggest muscle. So let's go. Fine. But if Damien is out there, y'all gotta tell him to kill you first. Deal. As Keith, Olivia, Courtney, and Shane carefully make their way through the office, Olivia's eyes

wander to the props table. Oh my god! This neck pillow is so cute. It'll be perfect for my flight to Spain. Olivia, that's for a doll. Are you saying I'm not a doll? Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Wow, Shane.

Yeah. Wow. Wow. What? How am I the bad guy for saying Olivia's not a doll? Shane, I get that you're going through a lot because your best friend is a psycho murderer. So I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that. Olivia puts on the neck pillow, modeling it for her friends.

How does it look? So cute. Small. It looks small and doll-like. Olivia starts choking. I can't get it off. Her friends try to help her take the neck pillow off, but it's too tight. Guys, I'm hurt!

I told you it was too small. Really, Shane? Now is not the time for I told you so's. Wow! Wow! Wow! Olivia? Wake up! Olivia wouldn't wake up. Her life took an early departure. Did you guys hear that?

Hear what? It was a really bad pun. Courtney is being unnecessarily mean to the narrator who is just trying to have a good time. Well, maybe the narrator shouldn't be trying to have a good time when our friends are dying. Alright, Courtney follows her own advice and turns her attention away from the very cool and funny narrator and back to her dead friend. She's... she's dead. Oh my god, Olivia! We don't have time to mourn right now. We gotta get Ian and get out of here. You're being pretty cold about this.

Yeah, and now that I think of it, no one actually saw Damien attack you. Maybe you attacked him. Guys, you're being paranoid. I'm sad about Olivia too, and with Damien, I was just defending myself Let's just go to Ian Why is it more important to go to Ian Who is probably dead now Than to stay here with Olivia? We don't know that Ian is dead Shouldn't we save the people who are still alive

Rather than sit here and stare at a dead body? I mean, Ian is the one who brought us here And made us stay all night So I kind of don't mind if he dies In fact, I'm down to go kill him if he's still alive. Good idea. You and Shane? Guys, that's crazy. Ian is our friend. We gotta help him. When's the last time Ian did something nice for you?

Ian is our boss. We gotta help him. Look, I disagree, but we might as well go and see if he's alive. Fine. The group of three continue their journey through the office, shooting Shane suspicious glances. I can't believe how long we've been walking. This office is huge. I know. I need water. My mouth gets dry when I'm scared of imminent death. Let's hit the water cooler.

It's empty, of course. Oh, there's a new jug right there. I'll replace it. Don't worry about it. No, I got this. Here, let me help you. No, I got it. Shane falls to the floor under the weight of the water jug. The water pours out, and Shane begins to drown.

Shane! Oh, shit. We have to help him. Well, hang on. If we save him, we could be saving a murderer. And he seemed really eager to save Ian. Maybe they're working together. But we don't know that.

And he's also our friend. Is he? What's the last time Shane did something nice for you? Never. But I've never done anything nice for him either. That's how we operate. So can you really call him a friend? While Courtney and Keith continue to contend,

their companion croaks, meeting a watery end. He's dead. Yeah. So should we go? Yeah, let's go. No more stopping, okay? We get to Ian, then we get out of here. You got it.

Little does Courtney know, she's entering her final act. That's both a callback to Courtney's idea about the abandoned theater, and also foreshadowing the way that she dies. Uh, uh, spoiler alert. Narrating is harder than it seems. Keith, I have to tell you something. I did something bad, so please don't judge me. I'm the one who...

What the... Is that a sandbag on a rope that fell from the rafters like in an abandoned theater? Tragedy. This is so fucked up. I'm out of here. Keith runs to the attic crawlspace until he finds a body splayed out in front of it. Damien? A figure, naked from the waist down,

emerges from the shadows. Hello, Keith. Ian, what's going on here? What happened to Damien? Where are your pants? I was in the crawlspace checking the fuses when I heard footsteps approaching. Ooh!

Another flashback. Hello? Who's there? As the footsteps get closer, Ian struggles to turn to see who approaches. I'm stuck. Hello? Who's there?

Oh, gosh. Someone help me. Help. Help me. That was a good flashback. So I had to take my pants off to shimmy out of the crawl space, and when I got out, Damien's body was on the floor. You can put your pants on now, though.

I know. What happened to everyone else? They're all dead. But you're still alive? Weird. Why is that weird? Because the black guy always dies first? Oh, yeah.

That's in horror movies. This is a murder mystery radio play. That format doesn't know what to do with the black guy always dies first? Oh, yeah. That's in horror movies. This is a murder mystery radio play. That format doesn't know what to do with the black guy. Makes sense. Anyway, I hate to do this, but I'm gonna have to kill you now. What? Yeah, I offered everyone money to spend the night here because I'm lonely, but when everyone accepted, I realized that I don't have $100,000. So I had to kill everyone.

You don't have to kill me. I don't need the money. Oh. Really wish you would have told me that before I confessed to murdering a bunch of people. So, how should we do this? I could push you downstairs, or I could toss you into a vat of acid. Where did you get a vat of acid? I bought it on Facebook Marketplace. But focus, Keith.

Push or toss? You're not pushing or tossing Keith anywhere. Noah? You're back. Yeah. My chain got stuck on the gate and I couldn't remember the code to stop it from closing. But then I tried 1-1-1-1 and it worked. Yeah, I didn't have to take my chain off. Damn it! You were supposed to take

the chain off. What? I thought that the gate would force you to take the chain off. You knew I was out there? I could have died. Shit happens. I get it. I mean, I killed Olivia when I walked her out. I just wanted to make sure she didn't come back and get the money, so I cut her brake lines.

Oh, yo, that didn't kill her. She died because she thinks she's the same size as a doll. I am. Olivia? Yeah, I faked my own death when I figured out that I wasn't the only one trying to kill people. Oh, shit. You tried to kill people, too? Nice. Oh, uh, sorry I tried to kill you, by the way. Well, the joke's on you because I never even tried to use my brakes.

I hit the power line on purpose because I wanted to be dark when I snuck back in to kill Damien because all his talk about being broke made me really uncomfortable. Aw, man, I'm sorry, Olivia. Damien, did you just come back from the dead to apologize? I wasn't dead. I have panic attacks, then I pass out when I'm scared. That's what happened in the kitchen. I knew I could take Keith in hand-to-hand combat, but I was afraid of fighting Shane. Honestly, that hurts more than knowing you wanted to kill me. Okay, well Damien, I accept your apology and

now that we're good, I should warn you not to touch the stray cat I put in your office It will definitely attack you Oh, little kitty cat Oh, I'm gonna pet her so good What is that? It's coming from the stairs It's me

Courtney? Yeah, hang on Oh, you're all here I'm sorry I left you, I thought you were dead It's me Courtney? Yeah Hang on Oh, you're all here I'm sorry I left you, I thought you were dead Oh, so why do you still have that sandbag? I wasn't dead, I faked it Why isn't anyone gasping? I faked my death Yeah, so did Olivia and Damien

Not on purpose Oh man, got it I thought I'd be the only one I was really excited about the abandoned theater idea I had So I thought it'd be the only one. I was really excited about the abandoned theater idea I had, so I thought it'd be cool if I got crushed by a falling sandbag. I also set up a series of trap doors, but no one used them.

But I did kill Shane. Aw, that's great. Thanks. I saw how weak he was when he tried to carry Damien, so I took the water jug off the water cooler, knowing he couldn't resist putting it back on. Did I do a good job? You did a great job, Court. Yeah.

Great job, Courtney. Great job of lying. If I can't lift the water jug, there's no way you can. It wasn't that heavy. I think you're just really weak. Yeah, he's a weak-ass bitch. Oh, yeah? Would a weak-ass bitch be able to lift up this sandbag?

Shane's inability to lift this sandbag is incredibly sad to watch. Thankfully, he gives up. Wow, if I'd known you were this weak, I wouldn't have been so scared to fight you that I passed out. What? You didn't pass out. I fought you and I won. Then I sealed your fate by putting a peanut in your mouth. You all may not know this, but Damien here is deathly allergic to peanuts. Oh, I've been wondering why I had

this peanut in my mouth. And I'm not allergic. I love peanuts. Oh, damn. Which one of you is allergic to peanuts, then? I don't know. We established that. Well, I guess my mind is as weak as my arms. Oh, Shane!

What a silly time we've all had trying to kill each other over nothing, huh? Undoubtedly. Although, Damien, I think you should seek help for your gambling addiction. Oh, Shane! Ian, you said you tried to kill for your gambling addiction. Oh, Shane. Ian, you said you tried to kill everyone, but we all just tried to kill each other. Well, I tried to poison all of you, but no one drank the coffee from the Keurig. Ew. Why would we drink Keurig coffee? Of course.

How could I forget? We only drink my favorite coffee, available at myfavoritecoffee.com. Oh, God. Never heard of that. Oh, God. Hey, guys. Tim from IT! Hey, the Wi-Fi should work once the power comes back. Is there a loose peanut up there?

I'm definitely allergic. Yes! Oh, nice, it's Tim. Tim's allergic to peanuts Here drink this coffee Tim falls to the floor And through Courtney's trap door And lands on Olivia's feral cat And was that the poison coffee

Yeah I'm so bad Olivia's feral cat. Ian, was that the poison coffee? Yeah. I'm so bad. Oh, man, that was awesome. The group stays up all night, regaling each other with stories from their adventures and laughing about Tim's untimely demise. The friends prove that their friendship can outlast anything, even attempted murder. Oh my God, can you stop it with the garbage puns?

Okay, I was literally right about to stop. Okay, then stop. Okay, I'm stopping right now. Wow, it doesn't sound like you're stopping right now. I'm going to stop. Are you going to stop? Can I like end? Yeah.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Welcome everybody now to the after show. The after the mystery. The after the murder. Whatever you want to call it. It's the aftercast. Yeah. I like that. Aftercast. Aftercast. And there's Courtney.

Held that in the whole time. Yeah, it's true. There were no burps that ever interrupted the thing. That's pretty impressive. It's almost like you don't have to burp. It's all a facade. Wow. Big props to Monica

for writing. Yes. Monica. Thanks, guys. And props to our Foley gang, Jackie and Gary. We're gonna say props to the Foley gang.

They dress like that every day. You know, if they went and did that exact routine at LACMA, people would be like, wow, who are these incredible artists? Are you saying they're not incredible artists? Sadly, they kick you out if you try this. Aw.

Also, another shout-out to Tim, who is clearly the best actor we have. Yes. Oh, shucks. Tim, was that your first recorded death? I think so. I think that's my first recorded death. I swear to God, that sounded like Joffrey dying. You were spot on with the death.

Tim, the trick is to actually cough. The trick is to actually die. Tim, you are a dungeon master for Dungeons & Dragons. Do you do those sound effects when you're doing that? Sometimes. Generally, no. I'm not actually a good DM. I don't believe that for a second.

What's the coolest D&D sound you can make? Probably just like demon voices. Do it, do it. Well, you're doing a demon voice now. Okay, all right. The demon voice is here. Well, you're doing a demon voice now. Okay, all right. The demon voice is here. Oh my God. That's pretty good.

Oh my goodness. Holy crap. My demon voice is more like this. I'm a demon. I want to try. Can I try? Try Olivia. Try Olivia's demon voice. Oh.

Oh, demon voice. I'm a demon. I'm going to eat your bones. I thought you were going to say, I'm going to eat your butt. No, that's just normal. That would still suck really bad. Oh, no. It would.

If a demon ate your butt, that would suck. How are you going to sit down? It's 2019. Demons eat butts now, guys. How would your torso connect to your legs if you ain't got no butt? That's the problem. I don't know. I listen to the bones connecting song I don't know what you call it

Remix to ignition It's because your butt is all made of cartilage That's not a bone Your butt's made out of cake Cake by the pound Have you guys seen cake carts before I've got just a wagon hitched to my torso Guys do you think that we should do another? I've got just a wagon hitched to my torso.

Guys, do you think that we should do another one of these for like a different holiday? Yeah. Oh, a spooky one. Like this was spooky also, but like a Halloween one too. Oh, what if we did spooky President's Day? This is the thing. I'm down to do it whenever because growing up, this is something that me and my mom used to listen to

like all the time. Smoshcast? Really? really not smoshcast but the stories on the radio it's like a you know a big part of my childhood did you grow up in the 50s no but like in ohio the middle of nowhere so like i mean like it's my mom enjoyed that but they had like okay this was a thing growing up my sister my sister and i we didn't appreciate it but like now that i'm an adult, I'm like, damn, this reminds me of my childhood. Oh, that's cute. What kind of things were they? Were they murder mysteries or what? It was all types of stuff.

She would go to the Christian ones sometimes, and then it would be the other. The mysteries, it didn't matter. Can you tell me more about the Christian ones? I mean, it was really weird. It was a lot of backstabbing in school situations. What? Yeah, it was weird. Wait, wait, wait. Like drama? Like Judas. Yeah was like really weird. It was like a lot of like backstabbing in school situations. What? Yeah, it was weird. Wait, wait, wait.

Like drama? Like Judas. Yeah, like pretty much. They were like pretty, they honestly, this is the thing. They would honestly like pull from like, they would pull from Bible like stories and make them like, you know, up to date. Oh, like Bible high school. Bible high school.

And now back to Bible high. That guy split the whole freshman class I thought murder mystery podcasts were a new thing I didn't know this has been around No I mean they had radio plays on the radio Before we had television I had no idea what a radio play was You know what I thought this whole thing was today Now I feel stupid

You gotta do it. You've got to say it. I'm so embarrassed. Well, you didn't get emailed the script until this morning or something, right? I know, and I didn't even think about to Google what radio play meant. I thought we were answering calls from people. Oh, no. That would have been dope, too.

Oh, my God. We have like a... I thought we were answering calls from people who needed advice. Oh, my God. I thought radio play was the guy who's married to a- That's Radio Head. Get out of here. No, it's Coldplay.

I know, I know. I think they broke up, Shane. I think they're no longer married. No, Coldplay is definitely still making music. Oh, Chris Martender? I wonder what a spooky Valentine's Day Radio Play would be. Oh, it's got to be like a sexy murder. Valentine's Day is my birthday. No other holiday. It'd be a spooky Noah's Day radio play would be. It's gotta be like a sexy murder. Valentine's Day is my birthday.

No other holiday, it'd be a spooky Noah's birthday celebration. Oh, way to make this about you, Noah. It's about you now, Noah. Everything's about me, including this play. You know, I came back like in horror movies, you know, how the, well, everyone came back. Yeah, we all came back.

I saved Keith. Yeah, you had the night, and Jake's still dead. I made it to the end guys wait can we always do the reversal of what you'd expect so like for Halloween we do a romance ooh sexy murder I have an idea for like July 4th

what if we did like all like the founding fathers that die no I mean we all die of natural causes at the appropriate time so it's just history. You're just saying we just do Hamilton? No.

Oh, it's lit. Do we just do Hamilton? I don't know. I'm just trying to spit out some ideas and contribute to this conversation. One funny thing about radio plays is Orson Welles did War of the Worlds back in the day. Oh, cool. And nobody was really used to those things and they made it seem like it was a real radio transmission and that

they were being attacked by aliens and a lot of people actually got freaked out they thought an actual alien invasion was happening people like did crazy shit because they thought the world was ending yeah I'm pretty sure people like did crazy shit yeah i thought the world was ending yeah yeah blast like

i'm pretty sure people like murdered like murdered people i think i heard about like aliens are here time to murder people started looting probably yeah i know people were like freaking the hell out because they made it seem like a real radio oh and now we're here oh my gosh what's that in the sky what were you saying keith what i to say, do you guys know who played radio the best? Cuba Gooding Jr. Yes. Oh, that is so good. Have you guys ever seen radio? We just read the script to radio.

Have you guys ever seen radio before? I saw radio in theaters. Really? How did you feel about it? Of course I did. I probably cried. You cried? Probably.

You cried? Cuba Gooding got me good. He got you good? Wow. Yeah, there we go. Good lord. Yeah. We should do one of these.

I'm so happy about these radio shows. We should get one where the fans can like, somehow we mad lib it, or it's like one of those books where you turn to different pages and we roll a die and there's like three things that could happen. We could straight up read fan fiction

as a radio play probably. There's a lot with narration. Let's say because sometimes their scripts are great, but also we definitely bring them word for word when we do them. So maybe for this one, we'll spice it up a little. I like the idea of Mad Libs because if they're anything like real Mad Libs,

you're like, hello, I'm Professor Butts. Do you have any butts? Balls. I mean, you've more or less, yeah, I'm Professor Butts. Do you have any butts? Balls. I mean, you've more or less, yeah, that's the same page. We could also read a bunch of rejected scripts that we never made. Oh, that'd be fun, because I have a lot of those. That's literally all the ones I've ever sent. And there's so many that just visually we could never make on camera,

so we could just explain the visuals. Garrett and Jackie, are there any sounds that you guys really wanna make that you didn't get to make this time? Oh yeah, treat us. Do you have any sounds? The sound of me going on vacation. Garrett was full on sweating by the way.

The sound of me getting the fuck outta here. It's hard work, I put in a lot of work of sweating. Yeah, there's water around, but that's from standing on the court. He peed? Yes. No, I did not pee. And you made Jackie sit on a broken chair. Let it be known that Garrett peed.

I did not pee. I wet myself with a bottle. Smells like urine. I did not pee. Garrett looks like he went to France for five days and came back and was like yeah I really connected with the culture

if you dress like that when you go to Paris you are the problem Garrett looks like you ate a croissant you've never had a croissant until you had one a croissant

a croissant I made all the sounds that I wanted to make during the show. Yeah, Jackie. Proud of you, Jackie. Proud of you. She's had enough.

She's been fulfilled. Who else's butt hurts? What's up? These chairs are like the bare bones chairs. I like how Courtney understands me. I get you. I know your butt. I just sit on pillows.

Damien didn't eat my butt. That's our code for... Damien, I know your butt. I just sit on pillows. Damien didn't eat my butt. That's our code for... Damien, I know your butt. What's up? These chairs are, it's Thanksgiving, and you didn't make the main table. Oh, this, yeah, this is definitely child seat. This feels like a table read for, like, Game of Thrones. Hell yeah.

Exactly. We're basically HBO. Yeah. So, who thought? There's an owl in here? Reading through the script, who did you think was going to be the murderer? Who did you guys think? I thought you at first.

I thought you, yeah. Definitely thought you. Wow. You have like murdery vibes. And then Damien. Murdery vibes. I definitely do have murder vibes. I feel like they set me up too much of like, where's Damien?

We don't know where he is. Where's the body? I'm like, if it turns out to be me, I'm going to be actually way more surprised. Actually, I think it's the people that act happy all the time

who are the murderers. In real life, yeah, so me. I thought it was going to be Garrett. Oh. Yeah.

That's pretty cool. I petitioned for it. I kind of thought maybe the narrator was going to be the murderer. Oh, that's a good one to put in our pocket for next time.

Or they make them murder. Like the narrator's like, Courtney stabbed Olivia. And they're like, what? No, I didn't. Courtney stabbed Olivia. Oh, that's funny. Oh, that's really fun

if both of them really don't want to. For those of you listening, our narrator looks like she's about to compete in a spelling bee. Yes. Suit and tie, baby. Look, it's just last year we didn't do that well

and so I thought if I dressed the part, then I'd do a lot better this year. Model UN looking ass. You guys are trying to play, but real talk, this is Monica's best suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah I didn't get married in this

oh my god science fair look at this oh my god we're not about to cover Monica I'm kidding I love Monica

I stan hey guys you have to say the words I write so like you know keep that in mind she writes our deaths into actual

soft sketch. We can't be cast anymore. And next to her, Damien and I look like the two first options you get for Arthur Morgan in Red Dead. Or you have your wool coats. It's like you pick the same character in the fighting game and you're like, okay, I want to be, well, can you unselect so I can be the black one and then you're the, you've got the

light jacket? Thank you. Is it the same jacket? We're wearing the same jacket. One's tan, one's black. Mine's denim, his is corduroy. It's a whole thing. Yeah, it's a whole thing. I like it.

Y'all are a whole thing. I love the energy that's happening. That's just transcending through all of us. Out of their coats? Oh, all of us. Okay. Guys, I got a quick question about the thing. Yeah.

About the radio thing. What was everyone's favorite part? My favorite part was the folly people over here. Foley. The folly. The foley people. I think they were the best part. They worked really hard.

I mean, we just got to sit here and chill and laugh at them, but they did a really, really good job. Yeah, Tim's death was iconic also they took our shoes they took our shoes and I'm not sure when we're going to get those back why did they take our shoes? for accurate representations of when you all were

walking I'm pretty sure they all sounded the same they sounded the same I understand that you needed my shoes for the sound effects but why'd you spit in them? because the human body is what what, 70% water? Shane. I want to see where he's going with this. Shane.

And I wanted there to be liquid in those shoes as if it was a human body. I also put some other dry materials in there. Shane, I don't think that's spit, Shane. Ew. What? What is it, Ian? It's tears, Garrett said.

Yeah, yeah, Ian, what is it? Yeah. You gotta follow through with this now. What is it, Ian? What is it? Yeah, come on.

What is it? What is it? It's tears, because Garrett's a little Someone already said tears, Ian. Someone already said tears. Somebody already said tears. Try another one.

Let's try it. Could it be Windex, bro? It's really, it's really wet semen. Oh, man. There, I said it. I said it. I said it. You asked formen There I said it I said it You asked for it I said it I said it

He took it too far because he said it was wet It's like really diluted We all know we stand dry In this house I have some foley for you Wait is it normally wet or dry? It's like... Well, have you ever...

Yeah. What? It's like a single sugar cube. It's like... Have you ever seen dehydrated milk? Oh, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Oh, like buttermilk? Like coagulated buttermilk?

Like if you go... Yeah, I... What was your favorite part, everyone else? Yeah, well, Ian. Your favorite part. Why are we... Can we keep talking about this? No, Olivia, not that. I really enjoyed... Courtney, I agree. I think Tim's death was unbelievable. Yeah, wow, Ian. Your favorite part. Why are we, can we keep talking about this? No, Olivia, not that.

I really enjoyed, Courtney, I agree. I think Tim's death was unbelievable. Yeah. Seriously, legendary. A real death. Yeah.

Hold on, could you do a little bit more for us, please? Give us some more. Yeah, please give us a little bit more, Tim. Die, Tim. Hey, Tim,

can you die some more? It was so good. I need a new ringtone. Please do. Oh, wait, wait. Should we? Hold on, hold on. Garrett will make sounds

and then that's how you die. All I'm good at is coughing death. Should we, I feel like we should set up a new scenario for Tim's death. Okay, what do you have over there? This is a sock full of rice that accurately represents

the sounds of Tim's body collapsing. These are cups that will make crunching sounds. Tim walks to his car, jingling his keys in his pocket. Those are what Tim's keys for sure sound like. Yeah, Tim's magical keys. He got them at World Market. Oh, cool, my car.

I have found it. He opens the door and gets inside. He turns on the engine and the radio. I'm going to switch it over to NPR. This is great. He gave him a buggy. As Tim starts to descend the parking garage, Earlier today, in fact, there was a... He notices that he suddenly has no will to live.

Wow, I just want to die all of a sudden. Tim sees an opening and guns it, draws strength from the wall. As his car careens off the parking garage, it flips and lands, crunching Tim's body. And we hear his final moments.

Oh, I wish I watched the rest of the TV show. I wish I watched the rest of the TV show. What was your last regret. I wanted to watch the rest of that TV show. Well, I can't possibly think of a better way to end this very special Smoshcast. Thank you guys for providing such wonderful voices.

Thank you, Monica, for writing this. Thank you, guys. And thank you, guys, for listening or watching this very experimental Smoshcast. I hope you guys enjoyed it, and if you did, please let us know in the comments. Hit a like.

Rate us five stars on any of the apps, and we'll see you next time. Woo! Happy holidays, y'all. Happy Merry Holidays. Merry Christmas. Love. We'll see you next time.