Smosh Mouth - S2: #60 - The Worst Video Ideas We’ve Ever Had

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Courtney, Ian, Shayne, and Damien are exposing some of the worst ideas they’ve had for Smosh videos that never got made— for good reason. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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agreement with iGaming Ontario. Ramble. That was always Damien's thing. Even if we had, like, actual food, Damien would just always, like, make some concoction that he would eat. I call it Bachelor Chow. I always, like, feel like it's nice to get your opinion out there, but I really like keeping my Twitter just, like, just funny, dumb stuff.

I have one titled Saran Wrap, and the only thing I wrote was a video about one of us struggling to cut Saran Wrap. Yes! Extreme hiker bundled up in their mummy sleeping bag, but still threatening to beat your ass. Modern day Monty Python. Get over there, I'll kick your ass.

You can't kick my ass. You're stuck in there. I'm not stuck. This is a choice. It's a choice. I can leave anytime. I think the nice thing about doing the podcast from home is that I can crap myself and it's not going to be a problem ultimately for anyone. I mean, I might have pooped my pants

already and there's no way you're gonna know i don't know man zoom is pretty good they they have a smell feature probably smell feature you can smell my pants if there was a smell feature on these things would you subscribe to it would you know would you why i hate smelling you anyway. You smell like pepper. Pepper. Pepper. What if there is a wet dog? I don't want that. Wet dog? Guys, wet dog doesn't smell that bad, honestly. Wet dog smells bad and my cat smells like pee-pee.

So animals are bad. You should get some cleaning wipes for pets. Those are very helpful. She still smells like pee-pee. Have you ever thought about not- She still smells like pee-pee. Have you ever thought about not peeing on your cat? No.

No. This is America. Oh, no. I'm not going to say that even as a joke. That's clearly not worked well for people in the past. I've never peed on my cat. I never peed on my cat. I did not pee on my cat.

Oh, my cat. She did not pee on my cat. Oh my God. Well, guys, thanks for joining me for another episode of the Smoshcast. It's having fun with my boys edition. You got a champion. I really want to ask right now, how do you guys take your coffee these days? It's funny you ask because I just changed. I used to be a cream and sugar boy. As of three days ago, I've started doing black coffee because I'm like,

if I'm going to be a total glutton at home and just eating snacks constantly I have to pick my poison somewhere. So no more cream and sugar for me Wow bro respect I Could drink black coffee. The problem is my teeth get stained really easily So I put in a little bit of half and half just to try to mitigate that. It maybe doesn't do anything, but. I can only take coffee black if I have like some pumps of sweetener in it and it's cold.

I can't do hot black coffee. Iced black coffee is really good. Yeah. Wait, Damien, is that the coffee that you're drinking right now, is that my favorite coffee? I wish, dude. So Ian was nice enough to send us each a box of my favorite coffee. The morning that it got to me, I had just opened up the like worst batch of like store brand coffee that I bought during quarantine times because it was literally all that was left on the shelf. But I also have a thing about wasting stuff.

So I open it up, make the coffee, then open up the box I just got. And then there's a way better option. So I'll do it in a month. I will say I am drinking my favorite coffee in my Brianna Boho mug. Hey. Wow, amazing.

Is that a mug that was given to you? On tour. On tour? On tour, yeah. I think it was in Portland. Was that where we got it? No, oh on tour yeah i think it was in portland yeah was that where we got no it was uh arizona i think it was arizona yeah yeah i love this mug it's a big boy mug like i can i can put a lot of coffee in it it's a large sun my favorite coffee is like i mean maybe i'm just no i think it's stronger than my other coffees like it works well because i put the same amount yeah no matter what well the flavor could be more bold that's no like i feel my heart racing huh it's it's possible because i've heard

that like light roasted coffee uh has a little more caffeine but i think it's such a nominal amount yeah i don't know i think maybe just the other coffees I had were actual garbage. I think you a bag of cocaine. Yeah. I do that sometimes. Just by accident. Good old white coffee. Good old Colombian matcha.

They call it. Shane, you just put half and half. That's it. Yeah. It's a little bit of half and half. I don't like to get too crazy half and half I feel like is like

the it's like it's nothing like cause there's like milk and then there's like oat milk and there's almond milk and then like half and half is just like I'm just here like I don't know cause there's like no flavor half and half is the centrists of dairy

what? I taste dairy flavors really strongly. Like half and half to me is like back in my major glutton days, I used to take a little bit of half and half, a little bit of sugar and just mix it up in a cup and just have a little treat. I remember there was a time when- What? No, it was late at night back when Damien and I lived together.

My ex at the time was like I'm really hungry is there anything to eat in your kitchen and Damien turns around from the corner and just goes well if you guys are hungry I can make you some vanilla milk what what is

it's called being a good roommate I have extra vanilla milk I'm gonna give it to you Shane it's like a vanilla latte but without the coffee that was always Damien's thing. Even if we had actual food, Damien would just always make some concoction that he would eat. I call it Bachelor Chow. Dude, that's literally that one episode of The Office

where Michael Scott's like, Pam is like, do you have any coffee? And he's like, milk and sugar. And she's like, oh, great. And it's literally just milk and sugar. Milk and sugar. Yes. She's like, do you drink this coffee? And he's like, milk and sugar. And she's like, oh, great. And it's literally just milk and sugar. Milk and sugar. Yes. And she's like, do you drink this every day?

It's so good. It's so bad. That's a medieval drink right there. Yeah. You know they used to actually just drink that. Probably. I don't doubt it. You know what?

You're right. And for anybody to be drinking like the people did in medieval times, Dimmesdale, Dimmedome, Damien Haas is probably the guy to do that. That's me. Damiendale, Dimmedome. Dimmesdale, that's me um ian how do you take your coffee i i mean i always i always usually take it black unless unless i've like let the coffee sit too long on the if i like if i did like the mr coffee which is like you know the coffee sits in the pot on a little like hot plate if you let it sit too long on there for like an hour or two yeah it gets like i think because it's like a lot of the water evaporates so it just gets like

really nasty and then i'll i'll spike it with some with some milk i thought you're about to just say i don't know why i said that like before the podcast um But if you guys, have you guys ever tried like a Vietnamese coffee before? What's that? It's like, I think it's a espresso with condensed milk.

Oh, I want that in my body. Is that that TikTok thing that everyone's doing? No, that's whipped instant coffee. Okay. And it's like a special name for it, but I don't feel like finding that. It's pretty good.

Dolls. It's some of the D, right? It looks like the coffee we had in australia when they make it it's like when i would get the macchiato and stuff it was like that thick like look yeah the milk i will say it is unlike any coffee thing you've ever had probably because it's sort of like they they whip it into like weird shame What the fuck, Shane? Stop. It's whipped into like a weird, like whipped cream kind of consistency and you let it like drip down into your almond milk or whatever. It's very weird.

It's very good. It's strong. You're going to like see the flipping future after you drink it. Yeah. That's funny. Dude, the coffee in general made me, oh, sorry.

For the people who are only listening, Shane did a weird ass move with his chapstick. I put chapstick on. That is all I did. It was so extra. He made it in anime style. Yes. Oh, gosh.

Many people will know there's a TikTok where a guy puts on chapstick in the most theatrical way. It's so weird. I've seen it. He barely touches the chapstick to his lips. It's so good. It's great. It's so good. Okay's great. So good.

Okay. With my coffee, I do caramel almond creamer usually, or hazelnut. I love hazelnut. Yum. Not much though. And then sometimes I have this thing that's cinnamon sugar.

So it's like cinnamon and sugar mix that I'll just dust on top. When things are normal again, I can't wait to roll through Starbucks and get my iced coffee with four pumps of vanilla or four pumps of hazelnut, whichever. It's delicious. It's called Dalgona coffee. Oh, that's the thing. Yeah.

I've seen the whip thing. Me and Olivia tried to make it in a live stream like a couple of weeks ago and it was. Oh, yeah. It was. I feel like it's like one of those things where I don't think anyone. I mean, I never heard of it. I feel like nobody knew about it until the quarantine. Dude, I will say.

And then all of a sudden, everyone's like, well, let's all do it. It's TikTok. It's like one of those weird things. It's TikTok. It's TikTok. It's gotta be TikTok. And I think it's interesting that our generation

is getting something like TikTok during our quarantine times. I feel like every generation who's had to go through a major, major thing has come up with some invention out of pure necessity, like Dalgona coffee, which sounds like a thing from Breath of the Wild. But like, we're learning about it through TikTok. So you don't have to like hear about it through your community. It's like the world all at once immediately knows it.

And I know like with East and West Germany, there were those in East Germany who like when they were finally liberated, really missed the instant coffee that they had. That was the only instant coffee that existed in East Germany. They're like, we can't find it anymore. And I feel it's wrong. Like, it's just funny. We're all going to miss our Dalgona after this. That's crazy. I feel like TikTok is this new weird form of like, word of mouth. Like, obviously, it's social media, but it's like people are finding out just through videos like i will say in quarantine i've ordered two at least two items like like one is a face mask and then another is like a face oil foundation and it's just because of tiktok videos or people reviewing on youtube like i reviewed all these items that people are obsessed

with on tiktok so you don't have to, yeah, I ordered multiple things from that and they're great. I'm wearing the face oil foundation right now. Like, it's crazy. How does it feel? It's really good. It's like, it was,

it's super light. Cause I don't like wearing foundation anymore. So this is kind of just like a tinted moisturizer. And I've noticed after like screaming and laughing and eating and stuff, it doesn't like break up around my chin. it normally does you know what i mean didn't you guys hate it when that happens i do you hate it hate it so much a lot yeah yeah but um so thanks for telling me how you guys take your coffee i just was very curious it's like one of those things that you don't really think about and i like i like knowing weird little things like that about you guys. Ian, why are you looking at me like that?

What do you mean? He's FaceTiming you like a parent does when they answer the phone. It's just like they're chilling. You're like, hey sweetie. I'm walking on the computer. Can you see me? Can you see me?

Love you mom. I think you're frozen. All right, well, let's move on to the next segment, which is going to be actually manned by a man. Manned? Oh, snap. Led by Bob the Builder, if he was also a building, Shane Topp. All right. There's a description.

Yes and it, my dude. I think I'm saying that because that was a draft in my Twitter, and I think that works for whatever you're going to leave today. All right. So I was I was thinking I was looking through my phone the other day and I came across a bunch of old sketch ideas that I'd written down that never got made and i thought wouldn't it be awesome to take this time to talk about or read out or whatever yes sketches tweets vines tiktoks just any ideas that we ever had that have never and probably will never see the light of day so we can just talk about them now and just laugh because i know i have plenty i'm sure you guys. Damien has told me ideas from like 10 years.

You remember ideas that I do not that came from me. I remember stuff he told me 10 years ago that never got made that I think is so funny. So I would love for us to just like, I don't know, give the listeners a taste of what insanity goes on in our brains that never makes it to the screen. Nice. All right. I need to the screen. Nice. Does anyone want to begin? I need to go into my notes. I'm going to quickly hop in my notes and my Twitter drafts,

but I do have a few. I have a folder on my laptop. Oh, snap. Titled unused video ideas. And it has 94 items in it. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. Wait, how old do these go back, Ian?

I mean, they go back, like, way back. You're talking like 2007, probably. Actually, I'd have to order by, let me order by date. Oh man, I'm going through my drafts now, and these are dope. I'm going to start tweeting a couple while we're doing this. Do they have to be Pitt? Can they be pit and sketch? It can be anything.

Any ideas you have. Like I have pit ideas that never got made. I have plenty of sketches. I have tweet drafts that I'm never going to legitimately post. Yeah. Okay, so the oldest one I have on here is from 2008. All right, so Ian, save that for the end so you guys are going to get

any of these cancelable yeah Ian are you able to read this sketch idea yeah and let's just claim real quick that these are old video ideas and a lot of these videos maybe weren't made for a reason

so relax before anybody freaks out. I'm so ready to hear these. Dude, we get to hear an OG Smosh sketch that never made it. Hell yeah. Even back then we didn't make it, so you know it's going to be real bad. Oh my God, amazing. Yeah, do we want to take turns?

I don't have nearly as many. I just have like inklings of some and then some that like got kind of far and we never did but like. Okay, I got a handful. So, Ian's reading mine. I'll go ahead and- I really want to hear one. I'll go ahead and start.

I'm just laughing because I have one titled, I have one titled Saran Wrap and the only thing I wrote was a video about one of us struggling to cut Saran Wrap. Yes. That's funny, though. That's so relatable. That's got to be TikTok. You know that would have trended in 2008. That's such a Gus Johnson video today.

Gus Johnson would have made that yesterday. I don't even know what we were even going at there. It's just funny. That is some 2008 crap. All right. We have trouble cutting Saran Wrap. Relatable. All right.

That is a pain in the ass. All right. I'll go first. I'm going to read a couple tweets, drafts that I'm never going to make. So I have this one. This is from way back. It's probably from like two years ago. And it just says, first date, her.

I'm really religious. I like love the bible me oh yeah same her really what's your favorite verse me um uh polynesians 36 pretty dumb pretty dumb uh i don't get it the one right beneath it is uh at a party me okay let's go around and say what our religions are. Okay, I'll go first. I believe all animals can talk, but they just don't want to. What about you, Jeff?

Jeff, Catholic? You like reversed the punchline there. Like you went with the wacky and then set up normalcy. I like it. Just insanely dumb things. And then beneath that, I have something it just insanely dumb things and then beneath that i have something that just says fuck boy and lava bitch so i love that i don't know what love that um i had that one sketch i don't know if shane maybe you remember it because i came to with it a lot and we were kind of getting excited about it. Just kind of figuring out how we would do it.

But remember only nineties kids? Yes. Yeah. Yes. I do remember that. That parody. But I still want to do that. I mean, is it like topical still?

The nineties are always topical. Yeah, but only nineties kids? I mean, that was a pretty specific meme, but it's not yeah yeah and it was it and it was like referencing things from the 90s and then it starts referencing really messed up things from the 90s and then noah like goes insane in it uh yeah i think i think one of the things that i think the reason why we never made it was because we never really could come to a conclusion on what to do with it.

Because one of the things I wanted to do, like towards the end of the song was start referencing all these things that didn't happen in the 90s. Oh, yeah. But I was down for that. Only 90s kids like know this. Like, yeah, when. And it's like photosynthesis facts. Like. It's just all just like weird shit that never happened.

Like, yeah, like when Oprah killed that guy in Times Square. I bet you were on my old computer. I wonder if I have the stuff. Do you got the stuff? You got the stuff? Should I find it? Should I? I should open up my old laptop, but there's a bunch of dumb shit in there.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. I'll be right back. Damien, do you want to start talking about yours? I'm sorry I won't be able to. Yeah. I'm going to hold off on like tweet drafts. I used to be in an improv troupe in college and I loved it.

It was a really fun experience and I did it for all the little while I was in college. And we did an annual sketch show. No, semi-annual sketch show. We do two a year. Sell out these big theaters. Like we'd actually pack it with like 200 people, mostly our friends, but it was just a lot of fun. And so you could sort of do whatever because we were dumb and in college and it didn't matter. So my favorite one that never saw the light of day was when I started to dip into like historically specific knowledge that nobody could like understand or find funny. And I wrote a sketch called the history of table flips. Like it was a joke for me at the time that like whenever anybody said anything that was like mildly BS,

I'd be like, Oh, pretend to flip a table. So I wrote an entire sketch about it. Um, it had three beats. Uh, the first being, uh, of course the last, sketch about it. It had three beats. The first being, of course, the last, no, it was a caveman situation. No lines, just screaming around a table and then flipping it. The second would be the Last Supper with Jesus of Nazareth. And there was a whole situation there. And then the third was either World War I or World War II, where it was allied powers just talking about stuff. And I'd have very specific names where it was like, but Duke Wilhelm of Norway, don't you think this? And it's like, well, no, Denmark, I think this.

And wasn't funny, like most sketches should be. So it did not see the light of day. But I was very proud at the time. I'll say that sketch makes, like, from your brain, that sketch makes a lot of sense. Thanks. I remember going to one of your sketch shows and the sketch that you had written was a sitcom where a kid finds a genie lamp and his mom becomes

Tilda Swinton. Yes. His mom is Tilda Swinton. His mom doesn't become Tilda Swinton. His mom just is Tilda Swinton. You know what I mean? So literally like it would be like, I come downstairs and I'm like, good morning, mom, Tilda Swinton now. You know what I mean? So literally like it would be like I come downstairs and I'm like, good morning mom, Tilda

Swinton. And then you'd hear like an audience laugh track and she'd be like, I was in the Golden Compass. Did you see that movie? I'm like, oh mom, Tilda Swinton, then audience laugh track. And then I had a brother who came downstairs who kept finding poop and it was his.

And that was the whole punchline that was my college improv troop i've hell yeah somehow grown and regressed at the same time oh god it's so good yeah should i throw a couple out yeah throw throw some some gold our way golden compass till the swim uh this one was from 2000 well i guess we wrote down a series of ideas that i that i put on a text file that said video ideas 1 10 13 so i guess january 10th of 2013 so seven years ago not that bad um that would have been still we were still shooting in sacramento uh this was a music video about how great nature is um two people singing about it, not rap, more singing like a hair ballad or a Disney song shot in a forest lake or other nature areas.

But it's obvious that the people singing the song can't stand to be around nature because it's gross and disgusting. Video starts to fall apart throughout the song as they all freak out over nasty stuff in nature. Sounds like a modern traveling vlog couple that hates nature yeah it sounds this sounds very relevant to now yeah this holds up they're trying to talk about how great nature is but they're being bit by mosquitoes and walking through mud and touching trees and being attacked by bats and birds was that inspired by like insane clown posse magnets was it written around that time

oh yeah probably i mean that's the vibe i'm getting 2013 i mean yeah wow wow i mean nothing can beat the saran wrap video yeah i'm pretty excited about the saran wrap i love that i think you should make that sketch i found the the new Tinder for hot dogs. Such a gold mine guys on my old computer. Ooh. I actually ended up, uh, pitching a bunch of these for the like rejected commercials that we did when we first came back to,

uh, uh, first like came back with mythical. So this was like, it started out as rejected PSAs. Uh, there's this one that we didn't use that i have written on here uh and it says uh harry styles looks to the camera and i wrote in parentheses or could be any sort of cool or masculine man uh and harry styles says hi i'm harry styles and today i'm here to talk to you about a subject that is dear to my heart.

Then it says happy musical voice with a fun title card. And it just goes, anal bleaching. That's so cute. That is so cute. I'm not surprised at all. Oh my goodness Good god

It's beautiful and I love it Alright who's next Courtney I think you are Oh shit okay well I found I found Okay sometimes when I have like If it's not a full sketch idea I'll just think of a really funny like back and forth

Of dialogue that I'll want to like insert into a sketch somehow so here's like random quotes like this tastes like chewed up pigeon um or this one is two people talking ew did someone fart and this one's like i didn't did you and the first person's like, no, this was definitely not me. This fart smells disgusting. And I love the smell of my farts. That's amazing. It just sounds like my brother. I have one, just a text, just saying superheroes have to go to the DMV too.

One man straight up does have to go to the DMV too. Well, and straight up does have to go to the DMV. Like Bruce Wayne has to. Hell yeah. Yeah. Do you think his superpowers cannot help him there? It's very similar to the next sketch I'm about to talk about. Nice. Which is weird. I also had, oh, we talked

about doing this. We just kind of, I think it just kind of gets forgotten. The hoardarders camera roll edition. Oh, God. That's so good. Holy crap. That's so good. That's really good. The date referee.

That was kind of funny. I don't know. Dating fouls. I feel like that should be an honest, that should be a dating show on Netflix. A date, like a referee, like helping the date along. Yeah, like you get a foul or like a red flag or a yellow flag if you do something

that you shouldn't be doing on the date. But I don't want them to like gently adjust the date. I want them to like blow a whistle for like 30 full seconds. Oh yeah, throw the flag right onto your food. Just continuously. Oh God. Yes. flag right onto your food. Just continuously. Yes. And then the last one I'll say for this turn is, okay, so I think a year ago,

I needed to buy a sleeping bag to go hiking and I just wanted like a simple sleeping bag. So I went to like REI or one of those, like just one of those camping stores. And I was like, yeah, I just need a single person sleeping bag. It's going to be kind of cold. He's like, okay, this one is good for a 30 degree weather.

And it's a single person. I was like, okay, cool. And I just bought it. I didn't really like look at it. So then I went camping with my friends and like they have their normal, you know, it's like flat, like foldy sleeping bag. And then I get into mine and it's literally the tightest little like sarcophagus worm. I hate that. Sleeping bag that literally can zip all little like sarcophagus worm. Hate that. Sleeping bag that literally can zip all the way up to your face.

That's awesome. And so I was like, my friends were just laughing at me from across the tent as I'm like wiggling and writhing around in my little sleeping bag. The next morning you were a butterfly. Yeah. And so I put this extreme hiker bundled up in their mummy sleeping bag but still threatening to beat your ass so like imagine a couple is like accidentally walking through the campsite he's like hey what are you doing what do you think you're doing bro and he's just like a worm on the ground like i'll beat your ass it's just like that's very like modern day Monty Python. Yeah. Yeah. Like, get over there.

I'll kick your ass. It's just a flesh wound. You can't kick my ass. You're stuck in there. I'm not stuck. I'm suited up. It's a choice. It's a choice.

I can leave any time. It's armor, isn't it? I'm nice and warm. How are you going to get over here? I'm a wiggle. I'm a wiggle over there. I've learned from nature being out here. I am nature.

A coyote is like nipping at the sleeping bag. He's like, oh, get away. His little toes. Oh, fuck off. You can watch him get eaten by animals and he can't get out. Yeah, a bear just drags him away. Oh, okay. If it were Monty Python,

they'd be like, do you need help? And he's like, I don't need help. Yeah. Fine. I tried him to do this. Tried him to eat you.

I did. I did. I did. Master of nature. All right, who's next? Okay, I think it's... Is it you or is it me? I believe it's me.

I went after Courtney last time. Okay, great um this was the first sketch i ever pitched when uh joining that improv troupe um it is very timing based so i'm gonna talk about it and it's not gonna hit the same but that's okay so imagine the view from like a tv and it's just two roommates sitting there playing video games except one of them is clearly batman in a full-on like bat suit costume just incredibly incredibly well done it is clearly batman so i want like a minute and a half of you just hear no dialogue just like the lights on their face from the tv uh the controller just clacking like a like a then eventually one turns to the other and he's like hey man I gotta ask

are you Batman and he goes no and he's like alright and that's the whole sketch the alternate end is that you go for another minute of playing video games and then Batman grapples out the window for some reason yeah you see the little search light out out the window for some reason. Yeah, you see the little search light out the window.

And then the roommate's still just like, I think he might be Batman. And that's the whole thing. That's awesome. They didn't like it. My art was not appreciated in its time. I'm so sorry. I know.

Life is hard. It's pretty great. Thank you. I like that you wrote that for comedists, you said? Yeah. I like the grappling hook, like you were going to do a full-on Spider-Man on Broadway type thing. Complete with injuries. Yeah.

Full-on with you breaking your legs. Commit to your craft, man. For the sake of art. Yeah. Would you break your legs for an improv to your craft, man. For the sake of art. Yeah. If you break your legs for an improv scene, I would. That's full. The problem is that's not space work. It's too real.

That's true. I love that. I have a sketch idea that I found this morning that I had written years ago, and it's called Guillotine. And so it takes place in the 1700s. We're at a town square, and a man is about to be beheaded. And a judge is up there and he surveys the crowd and he says, you have all gathered here today to witness the execution of a foul criminal found guilty of many horrible crimes.

We we see the guilty man bent over. He looks sad and defeated. On my count, the rope shall be cut and this wretched soul will be thrown to the fiery abyss of hell. Three, two, one. And then a commoner stands up, and he goes, wait. And before the executioner can kill the man, this commoner gets up, and he goes, let him live. No man is deserving of such a death. You do not have the authority to make that judgment,

and neither do you. Only God has the right to strike down those he deems guilty. The commoner turns to them and speaks to the crowd. This man is a human being, just like you and I, with a story and a family. Tell me, sir, what is your passion? The man looks up and he says, writing opinion posts on Facebook. See? Wait, what? Then I read other people's posts and play devil's advocate to their argument, no matter what it is. The crowd begins chattering. They clearly want him dead.

Wait, wait, wait, that's but one facet of this being. Tell me about yourself. What makes you, tell me what makes you a human being? Well, I love movies. Oh, what kind? Probably anything with Larry the Cable Guy. The crowd disapproves. Anything else?

Probably any TV show with Ashton Kutcher. You've never seen, like, I don't know, like, Breaking Bad? It was boring. Kill him! Oh, my God. The commenter keeps trying, and he's like, come on, there's got to be something that, something unique and special about you.

He's like, well, I never turn right on red. It's just like, he just keeps amazing the worst christ that almost sounds like a rick and morty thing to me where like morty's trying to convince them that like you know i don't know how you do it here but on earth this man deserves a trial and then he's just like the worst man oh yeah i think you created rick and morty they always do that switch where it's worse like it's like the worst man. Yeah. I think you created Rick and Morty. They always do that switch where it's worse. Like it's like the one where they the guy

Morty fights for his life. He's like, no, Rick, don't kill him. Like hell doesn't exist. Whatever. And at the end, he gets hit over by a car and he gets dragged to hell.

He's like, oh, I blame you. It's real. All of this is real. I blame you. Oh, my God. Yeah. Amazing. Oh, yes. you it's real all of this is real I blame you oh my god yeah amazing yes I love this

okay so y'all remember that damn neighbor by any chance so it was like one of the most one of the more like popular characters that we created like way back in the day,

it was, uh, these two like hillbilly characters, Cletus and Benny Jean, and then this neighbor character that would just stand there and always try to steal Cletus's, uh, flamingo flamingo lawn flamingo.

So it was, it was popular. People wanted more of it. We made three. We never made the fourth, but we wrote an outline for it. Didn't we see the guy

who plays that damn neighbor in Sacramento? We met a few times, but that was the last time we saw him. I brought him out to the live show. That was great. He drank your cider. Yeah. I brought him out to the live show. Yeah, that was great. And he drank your cider. My cider.

That's okay. I was too busy doing my skin routine to enjoy. So, and this whole outline is two lines. So, clearly didn't get that far. Right. And we. So here it is. All that's written is that Benny Jean and Cletus use a grappling hook to go over a five foot fence.

And they're scared to jump down. And Cletus accidentally falls on the flamingo and it goes up his ass. Oh, my God. I can already see amazing i can already see the art department creating the flamingo that's supposed to look like it's up the neighbor's ass i can already see them working on it like oh my god that's incredible damn that's actually dude i'm actually laughing at the idea of a sketch where some people are trying to hop a fence but they get stuck at the top of it and the whole sketch is them on top of the fence being scared to jump down

for like days I love stuff like that like simple stuff like that yeah let's see let me throw one more out any really bad ones you're saying that wasn't a really bad one yeah these are all amazing sketches I would make these tomorrow right bad ones yeah you're saying that wasn't a really bad one yeah these are all amazing sketches yeah

i would make these tomorrow right today oh what what you have to read it now you have to oh god i mean if it's too bad we're just gonna not okay um this is again failed something labeled failed tv shows all that's written all that's written is a narcoleptic knife slash gun slash scissor instructor slash salesman. Oh. And then the other failed TV show that we wrote, well, then we wrote something about New Jersey. That's what was written. Something about New Jersey. Literally anything about New Jersey.

And then the last one. So back in the day, listicles were a really big thing on websites. Before social media took over everyone's time on the internet, there existed websites. Who would have thunk? Wow. And these websites, you would go to them to do things

other than tweet or post pictures or do fun fun dances and uh so we had a website uh and smosh.com and uh we had this thing called the smosh pit and that is where we posted all these like funny like 10 funny things about this, like 10. It was like tattoo fails and that kind of stuff. And we had like writers put like, make these listicles. I guess I also wrote a bunch of ideas for these listicles and they're super fucking cringy. And obviously we never made it. It was just like, just stream of consciousness.

So here's some list of cool ideas. Ten pictures of my balls. Very close. Picture number one. Ten reasons why string cheese is cooler than ninjas. Oh my God, Ian. Keep going. Nice. Ten works of art that suck.

Number one, the Mona Lisa. guys uh 10 works of art that suck number one the mona lisa these are so fucking cringy 10 ways to defeat a drunk pirate oh my god ian 10 worst police sketches that's actually that would be i think that's a good that's a good list. No, but it's literally a police officer sketch comedy at like the officer's ball every year. It's like, yeah. Find videos of that. That's what, yeah. These are like making me tear up cause they're so cringe. Five movies that were so bad. They were awesome. Oh, I make, I'm the queen of those lists. Yeah. That's a, that's a normal list. Vegetables that look like penises. Oh my God.

That is some teenage Ian shit. All right, moving on, moving on. Hold on, there's more. Oh God. There's more. Celebrities with weird eyes. This is a Steve Buscemi 10 times. That's so mean.

Oh, and it says in parentheses like as an instruction for this listicle um to flip the eyes around oh oh my god that's funny

uh here's another one celebrities with weird mouths oh my god Owen Wilson um for Owen Wilson like that

his lips are crazier than a roller coaster is that it save some more save some more okay I'm just gonna say Owen Wilson for Owen Wilson like that and that's crazier than is that it save some more save some more okay I'm just gonna say this one though because I don't

understand it maybe I stopped writing in the middle of the sentence what is it I don't do it read it off

read it if Sienna come on what the fuck okay alright come on I feel fuck okay all right i feel like i'm high right now read if sea animals had eggs what i don't know i don't know what it's supposed to mean you are the highest non-smoker in the planet. If sea animals had eggs.

Not laid eggs, if they just had them. Like a seahorse just holding like a chicken egg? Is that what you mean? But what's confusing is that it's spelled, eggs is spelled just E-G-S. So was I about to write something and I got distracted or did I is that an acronym like yeah I don't see you

being any anywhere near sober writing this I'm crying I don't kind of crack when you smoke I didn't smoke I never at this time in my life I probably partook in marijuana twice whoa

two times a criminal and look what it did to you I probably partook in marijuana twice. Whoa. So you're two times a criminal. And look what it did to you. Oh, my God. Sea animals had eggs. What if sea animals had eggs? Yo, hold on. But what if, guys, what if sea animals had eggs? Oh, my God, dude.

Dude, we should get a sea animal. We should get a sea animal, give it an egg, and just see what happens. That's what's wrong with the government is that sea animals don't have eggs, man. God. What?

Well, that's incredible. Sea animals don't have eggs. Yeah. That's what's wrong with the world. Sea animals don't have eggs. I also have, I also have a folder of like pictures that I saved way back in the day. Cause I thought, Oh,

like maybe that'd be funny for like a Smosh pit article. And they're super cringy. Okay. Save them for the next round. Save for the next round. Too much fire. I have this one, a guy who's pissed off at girls for sneakily shopping in the men's section.

He like stands guard in the men's section at Target. He's like, literally, hey, hey. And the girls are all like deer in headlights and like run off because I'm always getting the men's flannels or like giant crewnecks and stuff. So imagine a guy like trying to gatekeep the men's section from women. That's funny. and stuff so imagine a guy like trying to gatekeep the men's section from women that's fun like as if like women have taken so many things from men and so they can't have their flannels um and it would be like a little bit of social commentary of a woman or like another dude being like hey man it's all right i wear women's tank tops like i don't know and it's just like ripped off of his body

yeah he's a huge dude It's like hardly on him. Oh my God. Shane, remember when you wore the Clever TV tank top on Sleepover? Clever TV had these little tank tops and I wore one. And I mean, I was having trouble breathing. They gave it to you. I was having trouble breathing in it. Wow.

Because they were made very small. And this one is called sheeple characters i remember i really wanted to have a sketch i think it like would have started with like us being ourselves and like some crazy thing happening and then all of a sudden like a group of people who look very bland very basic walk up and like hey we saw there's a crowd over here thought we'd see what was up he's like uh why they go you know, well, we pulled over because we saw there was some police cars and like a crowd. So like just like sheeple who do things like, oh, there's this line. So we decided to get in line.

Like, that's actually really funny. You know, like, oh, there is a sale at Target. So we went to Target during their sale. Like, like things that people don't do. I'm going to take this. I'm going to take this really dark and we can cut it but it's like if someone was about to jump off a bridge and they're like oh what are we in line for yeah yeah right behind them like oh hell yeah next yeah like just like sheeple that all will do things because like oh there's a sign that says like sign up here

so we're gonna like sign up for this it reminds me yeah it reminds me there's this uh mitchell and webb sketch um they're a british sketch duo where it's a guy if a mediator between two politicians and the politicians keep telling him things like my opponent uh is a liar and actually wants to tank the economy and the mediator is like, oh my God, I can't believe that. I can't believe in everything they're saying. Why would you do that? He's like, no, I've never said that. My opponent actually is taking money from big funders and he wants to bring big oil back and destroy the nature.

And he's like, oh my God, what? Oh, I love that. I love that. It's so good. You didn't write that. No, that is a Michelin web sketch. That's really funny. I like that. I love that. It's so good. Amazing. But you didn't write that. No, that is a Michelin web sketch. That's really funny. I like that.

Okay. There's this thing I wrote that's literally just, what up, I'm Saint D'Andra, but you can just call me S-T-D-D. That's a great character. I think I was trying to write like some sort of trailer for when we came back from the shutdown and it was going to be like action movie-ish and it would have everyone in it like all of us jam-packed into a van basically it looks like something like like a fan fiction

would have written like written nice like where it's like oh joven and it has all these lines and then anthony's even, like just wishing us luck. And like, yeah. And then the end is like the VO of like coming this spring to a channel you should probably be subscribed to already. Notification squad, where are you at? Retweet this if you will have bad luck for or you will have bad luck for three months. Alexa, stop. Subscribe to PewDiePie.

Just like all this weirdie. Just everything. Just like all this weird shit. Hell yeah. One second, be right back. Go, Damien. Okay, good. While Shane's gone, I can finally get all my good stuff out.

Yeah. So I've always wanted to like write a sketch where someone has like a very long and complicated name that starts with a D, and then they realize like, you know, no one's going to want that, but they're also a peanut farmer. So they keep selling,

uh, D's nuts. And it's just a, this is like a three to four minute sketch where they're very like, honestly, like that's why I put so much care into these nuts. Oh my God. That's one.

That's similar. That's similar to our, um, the apple cider company. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, we should, I didn't watch Smosh though so I don't know Speaking of Dixon cider You know how we have a coffee

We should make a cider and call it Dixon cider Well we gotta make it We gotta make it from apples from the town of Dixon Hell yeah Otherwise it's a lie But actually that's a great idea I just don't know how Anybody know any breweries?

Actually, yes. Oh, because I was thinking like apple cider, but I wasn't thinking like alcoholic cider. I mean, we could just do we could do a non-alcoholic version and alcoholic version. Yeah, sky's the limit. Your girl's favorite party drink is just a plain old cider. Bro, it's just cider. It's just cider bro it's just it's just juice it's just juice spicy juice i have a couple more if yes go um i used to be like super anti like apple stuff because i was like a full of piss and vinegar as like a young 20s man and i was like very angry about like

how the company was run so i would always pitch a sketch every year where like there was a bunch of people in a line and it'd be like, Hey, what are you guys waiting for? And at this time it was like oldest. They're like the new iPhone six. Like it just came out. So we have to get it. And you're like, Oh man, you guys always get this new thing. You don't need a new phone all the time. Like they've got you wrapped around their finger. And then someone in the line's like, Hey buddy, for your information, i have to get this new phone today because like as soon as they announced it my old phone stopped working and then someone else in the line's like me too and they're like yeah me too they're like yeah me too smart guy and it's like all right no see a problem with that and they're like no he's like all right and then he just joins the line because it is a cool phone

and then uh and now i have an apple and then i have a few tweets that i'll never uh release um norman reedus with diabetes in adidas send tweet Yes. Oh. Yes. Come on. Just tweet it. I might. It's so good. I might do that. I'm bummed. I deleted Twitter this week, and so all my drafts are gone.

Oh, no. You deletest the Twitter-itis? I deleted Twitter for a couple days to give myself a break from the craziness. That's smart. You tweetest deletest? I tweetest, deletest, seatest, lapidest, breedest. But it's back, and now myus, breedus. But it's back and now my drafts are gone. But it's okay.

I think a lot of it was just me like tweeting my opinion about something. So it wasn't like funny. So it was like, this is pointless. I'll just write it out so I get it out of my system.

Constantly have opinion stuff just saved in drafts because I'm like, I don't want to throw my hat in any ring. Like I started one with like the whole COVID situation where,

and it's literally half a draft where it just says, maybe just maybe if you need to constantly remind someone to wash their hands and then it just cuts off. I'm like, yep. Whatever statement I was going to say there was not needed. I've also got what's your favorite Gilligan's Island theme song. And then there's the Twitter do your thing meme

where people want social media to fix it. So I just wrote, haven't taken a dump all day, Twitter do your thing. I love stuff like that. Why did you fail your midterm? Wrong answers only. And that's a double joke because there's wrong answers. Well done.

Thank you. I like that. Yeah, I always I always like feel like it's nice to get your opinion out there. But I really like keeping my Twitter just like just funny, dumb stuff. Same. Yeah. Not everybody needs to know my opinion on every little thing. Yeah.

It's not that special. Also. Yeah. Also, a million people like have already said it that are more important than me. So that's like I think opinions are important, but opinions on Twitter. I just don't think it ever does anything. Yeah, that's that's my opinion anyways. But when we started this this pod, I forgot that I have literally a book of bad ideas.

Oh, so what a good way to finish this off. Well, we need still Ian's 2008 sketch. But here's a couple. Courtney is on her period and it just turns her into a middle-aged man. Oh yeah. I remember you talking about that one. I have Scrabble Migos edition.

Where someone's just like, oh sweet, I won. Yeah, I've got going across. Skrt, skrt. Oh, I've got, I've got, going across. Skrrt, skrrt. Oh, going back in time and finding out that everyone has weird voices. So you go back to the 1800s and everyone's like,

hey, how's it going? It's like, wait, what? It's like, yeah, this is how everyone talks in the 1800s, you didn't know? And it's just like, what? Yeah, because we couldn't hear them. You go back to the middle age and just like, hey, how's it going?

It's just like, this is what people talk like? It's just like, this is what people talk like. It's like, what are you talking about? Yeah. We have no idea. You go to 1300, it's like. And then a sketch, not necessarily a sketch, but just a visual that Damien and I talk about all the time is if Damien and i were invincible and had super strength how much fun it would be to just occasionally just like punch one of us so hard that we're just flying you just you just like we get launched into space just like it's like us just like our like shirt fluttering

someone in the middle someone in the middle of the of the Atlantic Ocean sees something skidding across the ocean and it's just Damien smile on his face just launching and just like so you just like punch him and he just like flies into space. The moon just kind of shatters. Oh my God. Stuff like that but we're fine. We could do

that. We're invincible but just I just laugh at the visual of just launching each other. Let's film it dude. Yeah let's just film it. Let's just film it. visual of just launching each other let's film it dude yeah let's just film it let's just we'll just hire a stunt team that's all you need oh my god how do i share is do you have any more or should i no let's have my clothes let's you be the finale guy and then we're ready to shoot do that i think i yeah i think we're running out of time so yeah all right so give us this ancient gold this This is an idea that we had pretty much completely written out. And we just never did it because I don't think it was that funny.

But it's about, it's called Action News. And it's about the news stations' ratings are tanking. So they decide that they need to make the news more interesting and more actiony just kind of like a satire of real news shows the intro shows different characters weather with randy a bomb diffuser as one of the people that's on the show come on sell this sketch to us man i am a female uh news anchor go to a guy that's that's doing the weather and he's standing in front of a green screen okay it's all bad um the fans have been waiting for this moment. No.

Okay, there's a guy standing outside with an umbrella and he's wearing a raincoat and he's over-exaggerating everything, saying the wind is like 40 miles an hour when it's obviously not very windy. Ian, you are describing the news. You are describing the actual news right now. Breaking news of a mudslide terrorizing a city it shows a scene of an obviously fake small house on a muddy hill with somebody pouring water on it uh goes a reporter in front of a green screen with maps on the freeway he's talking about the traffic goes a live shot of the freeway the reporter makes comments about how bad the traffic is

and makes a comment about how a guy changing a lane almost created an accident. It's so bad. So it's like them trying to make action out of a very boring news day. Yeah. So you kind of get where the joke is like immediately and then keep going. Yeah, that's the thing.

It's all the same joke. And they're like, let's go to traffic. Oh my God, it's so dangerous. Like that guy, it's bad And they're like, let's go to traffic. Oh, my God, it's so dangerous. Like that guy. It's bad. Like I said, there's a bomb diffuser guy. He's diffusing a nuclear warhead. And just at the moment that he's about to do it,

the head of the news station barges in and says that there is the rating just came in. We're the most watched news station on television. Bomb diffuser jumps up and says all right ceo says larry the bomb the bomb diffuser looks down and says oh and then stock footage of a nuclear blast because like half the videos that we made back then ended with somebody getting shot or somebody blowing up amazing oh man yeah you have you have either a flamingo going up someone's ass yep your explosion oh i like i like this outline uh this outline is called zelda in current time and i clicked it and nothing was written

you're just like it wouldn't work he wouldn't be able to do any of the stuff he does And I clicked it and nothing was written. You were just like, it wouldn't work. He wouldn't be able to do any of the stuff he does. It doesn't work. It's a great sketch. I love that sketch. Amazing. It's my favorite sketch.

There's a lot more. So if we decide to do this again, I got a lot more gold. I love this. I didn't touch it. I've got a good amount of sketches I did not touch on. Yeah, I'm sure I can find some more. This is like when I'm looking in a super old dinosaur laptop, there's some weird stuff in here, like weird poetry,

like weird ideas for jobs that I would love to have one day. Yeah. So weird. Great. But this is a great idea, Shane. Good call. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, so shall we bring it into the shoot dude and then wrap this big old baby up?

Let's do a little shoot dude. Yeah, shoot dude time. Nice. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude.

Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Shoot dude. Nice. Shoot dude.

Nice. Shoot dude. All right. Shoot dude. Okay. So this shoot dude comes from Elena Carrazana. There's two R's in there, so you got to roll it. Carrazana.

No, sorry. Carranza. Okay. Let's just move past that. Probably. Elena. So Elena says, I was on a video call with my college class, and our professor sent us into groups.

We've been in these groups a few times and, you know, it's private groups, so we can kind of chat about what we want. So one of the people in my group starts talking smack about the professor. The rest of my group, including myself, are kind of just like yeah haha yeah and wouldn't you know my professor messages the group saying she heard everything yikes of course i messaged her immediately and apologized for being complacent in the situation i think she took it well and appreciated it but still yikes. She's actually a very kind and understanding professor,

so she definitely didn't deserve to hear that. Moral of the story, wait until you're out of the video program to talk smack because your professor probably has access to join without you even knowing. Also, if you get caught, just apologize, even if you weren't the one gossiping. Even still, shoot, dude. Shoot, dude. Shoot, dude. I was going to say, apologizing for being complacent is the ultimate, like, hey, I just wanted you to know

that this wasn't me at all, but I could have stopped it. And for that, I'm sorry. It's very much like not taking responsibility, but also like clearing your name. Yeah, because like it was, I wish I knew like what the person who was talking smack was saying, like what kind of stuff.

Oh my God. If you, have you guys ever like been caught talking smack about someone or like accidentally sent it to them? Oh, absolutely. Oh, I was at a restaurant with some friends. We were at Applebee's in Arizona. Applesbee.. Applesby.

Applesby. And the waitress comes up and she goes, would you like anything to drink? And my friend goes, yeah, do you have Dr. Pepper? And she goes, no, but we have Cherry Coke. Those are not the same. We're all kind of like, and then he kind of like, he ordered something else. But she walks away and we started making jokes about it. We're like, yeah, do you have Coca-Cola? No,

but we do have lemonade and like, and then eventually, eventually I go, Hey, do you have Pepsi? No, but we do have my grandmother's piss. And then I look over. And the waitress is right there. I like to imagine. I like to imagine she was just like, she was just standing there like like this and then you look over and she's like

she just drops all the food. No, but she like, yeah, she luckily like, I mean, we were teenagers, but I still think she probably she probably spit in our food. Oh, that's fine. Build up your immune system. But come on.

Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke are not the same. They're not the same. No, I'm not the same. If you don't have Mr. Pibb, it is probably the most comparable thing next other than like a root beer. I will say. Just say we don't have it. Yeah, but I think maybe they're trained to be like, if we just say no, we don't have something, it's think maybe they're trained to be like if we just say no we don't have something it's like negative and can make that person like mad so if they're like but

we do have this is trying to keep it positive i think it's i think more so it's just like a way to to not have to sit there while they deliberate more like so if you say we don't have that but we do have this so please just say yes to this because i don't have to explain everything that we said she was not doing anything wrong. And we were only just making fun of that. We weren't trying to make fun of her as much as we were just like making fun of that. No, yeah, it's fine. I feel like

if I was a waitress and it would depend on the day I'm having. If I was having a good day and I said that and I heard them doing that I would laugh along. But if I was like already having a bad day, I would have been like, god damn it this sucks. So it depends. They're teenagers, they're already not gonna tip.

We were just teenage dudes, like we're gonna make fun of anything. Yeah, there's not a whole lot going on when you can't rock. I was hoping that you were saying when you said, we don't have Pepsi, but we do have my grandma's piss, that you're gonna say that your grandma was sitting in a table over there. And then I looked over, my grandma was there.

And she was the waitress. She was like, no grandma, why you working? You're old. All right. Oh my God. Well, send your shoot dudes to shootdude at? Smosh.com. Yeah, yeah, shootdude at Smosh.com.

That's shootdude with a D-O-O-D. And we're like, I'm really excited personally for next week's podcast because we're going to have a special guest. Who? My sister, Carrie Miller. Why would you do that? And Ian didn't know. I don't know if I have enough time to get a ring.

No, no, no. what are we bringing i get it dating has been hard in quarantine but no she's just coming on because i want to talk to my sister and it'd be fun and like don't make it weird but look for next week's shoot for next week's shoot dude you should just shoot your shot um yeah but that's gonna be fun she's gonna be video chatting from my dad's house so it'll be great it'll be great yeah i'm really excited for those that don't know there was a long running thing of me professing my love for for uh corny sister. Yeah. Well, not professing love, but just saying like, no, but one day, one day we will, you know, we'll live happily ever after. And now, and now I had to face the consequences of making those jokes.

Absolutely. Great. Awesome. It's going to be nice. Stellar. No, that's, no, that's, that's going to be great. That's, that's looking for it. It's going to be fine.

It's going to be fine. It's, it's going to be okay. I'm, that's- Looking forward to it. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. It's, it's gonna be okay. I'm not freaking out. You're freaking out. Oh my God. I love you guys. I miss you guys. You're okay.

Yeah. Yeah, you guys are all right. Ian, what have you been doing every day? I feel like I've talked to you the least during quarantine. I played this game called Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. Oh, that's fun. Tabs. And I played it way called Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. Oh, that's fun. Tabs.

And I played it way too long last night. Nice. Now I have a headache from staring at a screen too late. Same for Final Fantasy.

Yeah, dude. I've been getting migraines. I don't even know what it's from. Yeah. Yeah, I'm changing the infrastructure of my Animal Crossing town.

It's pretty... Oh, I think this is going to be the week that I get Animal Crossing by the way. finally do it oh shit and i'm just gonna tweet out my friend code and then just let anybody come to my nope i will die um okay well this has been great you guys thank you to to my boys for having fun with me and thank you to the listeners and the viewers you know how it be we're still putting out content some of it's good some of it's

great love y'all see you next time bye call me back in 10 minutes I need to get some soup no We'll see you next time.