Smosh Mouth - S3 Ep2: #2 - Reading Bad 2 Sentence Horror Stories w/ Damien Haas

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Shayne, Amanda, and Damien talk about what scares them, spooky stories, and our new D&D series on Smosh Games! SUBSCRIBE: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshCast WEAR OUR JOKES: https://smosh.com WHO YOU SEE Amanda Lehan-Canto // https://www.instagram.com/filmingamanda/ Shayne Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/ Damien Haas // https://www.instagram.com/damienhaas/ FOLLOW US: TikTok: https://smo.sh/TikTok Snapchat: http://smo.sh/OnSnapchat Instagram: https://instagram.com/smosh Facebook: https://facebook.com/smosh Twitter: https://twitter.com/smosh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your tread's worn down or you need a new wheel, wherever you go, you can get it from our Tread Experts. Toyo's open country family of tires will get you through tough weather in a variety of terrains. Until May 31st, save up to $100 in rebates on select Toyo tires. Find a Toyo Tread Experts dealer near you at treadexperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there at treadexperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there at treadexperts.ca. Discover the exciting action of BetMGM Casino. Check out a wide variety of table games with a live dealer

or enjoy over 3,000 games to choose from like Cash Eruption, UFC Gold Blitz. Make instant deposits or same-day withdrawals. Download the BetMGM Ontario app today. Visit BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. 19 plus to wager Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge.

BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome back to the Smoshcast. I'm here with my co-host, Amanda. And I'm here with my co-host, Shane. Thank you, Amanda. And our guest today, I'm pretty stoked about it. He's a cool guy. Damien Haas.

Yeah. Wow. It's really great to be here, you guys. Thank you. You're so welcome. There was a long list of people who wanted to be here, and we bumped you up to the top. They all somehow got food poisoning.

We don't know how. They'll never catch them. What did you do? Oh, well, I spit. Okay. Great. This is perfect, because this episode is a little spooky. Uh-oh.

It's a little spooky. So, Damien, I would say, out of everyone on Smosh, you're probably the spookiest person. Thank you. I feel like that fits. No're probably the spookiest person. Thank you. I feel like that fits. No, you're like a ghoul. Thank you. I like that.

I appreciate that. In the best way possible. You're a little bit like a ghoul. We're a little bit like, ooh, here comes Damien. I'm so interested in him. But also, ghoul. I feel seen right now. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep.

So the bags under the eyes, the sunken skeletal features like that definitely plays into it. No your skin still looks great. Thank you. I do moisturize and I just started a new eye cream. I know you told me. Shane please give us a moment.

Yeah so I've been using one of the avocado extract it's really helpful. Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. What are you guys talking about? Oh goodnight. Goodnight.

So with it being spooky I've got some fun topics for us to talk about I also pulled a bunch of bad two sentence horrors which are

I love those Damien and I we're huge fans of it Amanda I don't know I'm a newbie to that like I don't think I've ever known about two sentence horrors

but I do love horror movies and everything that is horror I don't like gore though okay that's fair but you're gonna love you're gonna love bad two sentence horror and everything that is horror. I don't like gore, though. Okay, that's fair. But you're gonna love bad two-sentence horror. It is the best.

So excited. Are you familiar with good two-sentence horror and how it started? I've got some. Don't worry. I've got a whole plan for it. Hey, man, I'm a guest. Why don't you drive? I'm a passenger princess today.

And then towards the end, I would love for us to create some of the worst, stupidest demons on the planet. Maybe some that we already know of. I don't know. But, you know, to start off, Damien, the reason I picked the spooky stuff is obviously you're a spooky person in a fun way. Thanks. It is fun spooky. I have a board game area in my living space,

but when it's not being actively used by people, I do have Halloween skeletons sitting at the table because that's fun. Exactly. It's not actual spooky. That's why I said ghoul because to me ghouls are a blast. Yeah, ghouls are a cool. There's a hierarchy of what monsters are cool and which are lame.

I think skeletons, number one. Top. Skeletons party. Really? Skeletons totally party. That's interesting to me. Skeletons, I think, are the most rad. Agreed.

I actually think vampires not as cool nowadays. Really? They got overplayed. They got overused. Now skeletons in. Skeleton is in. They have such a great sense of humor. They're so funny.

They've got a funny bone. Ay. I'm not good at that. I do agree about ghouls, though. They're up there, too. But why, let me ask you this. You know, ghouls have to consume human flesh. Vampires have to consume blood.

Why are vampires not so cool, but ghouls are awesome to you? I'm curious what the difference is. We're talking to our spooky friend, so he knows all the lore behind all this. I didn't know that about ghouls. Well, no, because I didn't know that either, but my neighbor is a ghoul. What?

Okay, worst demon ever. My neighbor is a ghoul. I sleep in a coffin. Do you want to go back to my place? It's the graveyard. Wait a second. Ghouls eat human flesh? That's what a ghoul is, yeah.

Oh, so you thought they were awesome and you didn't even know the name of the whole thing. I thought they just drank martinis and had big top hats and they were kind of like- Well, now you're talking about vampires. See, in my mind, skeletons do cocaine. Oh, I'm not kidding. Oh, that's why they don't have the nose.

They're just there. It ate away. So we can consume more cocaine! Yeah, I love cocaine! Just in one big like, they don't even need the rolled up dollar bill. They're just using like a toilet paper roll to like,

just right in that triangle. I never imagined, and I feel like, there's not any horror movies about skeletons really. Like, not like, oh, that skeleton's coming to kill you.

They're always just kind of played as like a bit part in like the background. And it's usually a cartoon, and they're always dancing. They're playing xylophones on their own time. They're just there to of played as like a bit part in like the background. And it's usually a cartoon. And they're always dancing. They're playing xylophones on their own time. They're just there to have a good time. They're the type of person who's like. Hold on.

Okay. Keep this in. Speaking of spooky. Before we started. I hope you're hearing this. Before we started, there was some crazy stuff happening. And then there's like weird water drainage stuff. It was actually very spooky sounding.

And then that just sounded spooky. It sounded like someone was like, Yeah, it's Jigsaw spooky. Wait, can we make this a two-sentence horror story? Because I have a thought. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's like the podcast was interrupted by the sound of pipes and screams from the second story.

It was scary because they were filming in their one story ranch home. Oh. Is that two sentences? Is that two sentences? I think that's two sentences. Yeah. Fuck yeah, that was great.

They were just long sentences. I used compound sentences. That was good. I passed English. I loved it. Thank yeah, that was great. They were just long sentences. I used compound sentences. That was good. I passed English. I loved it. Thank you. You're great. You're great.

Bye, Shane. Yeah, see ya. Bye, Shane. Damien, something fascinating about you is that I think things that scare most people you love, and I'm thinking about clowns. Yeah. You fucking love clowns so much. Have you told Amanda the story about the clown in the attic?

Oh, yeah, the clown in the attic. We're starting off good here. I'm not prepared. I will say before that real quick, I don't know what it is, but I always liked spooky stuff and didn't have an issue with it. Like, the first thing I ever asked my mom to teach me how to draw was a skeleton. I just, like, you know, had a big old sheet of paper. I'm like, you teach me how to draw a skeleton? So, just had a big old sheet of paper, I'm like, can you teach me how to draw a skeleton? So I like that kind of stuff.

But, okay, so back in my home in Georgia, I was a kid, I was home alone, and I forget what I needed or why I went up there, but it was a two-story home and then an attic. So I go into the attic, it's a really creaky ladder situation, and you can't turn on the light until you walk in the dark for a minute

and hit the little pull string. So I do that and in the corner I start to hear this tinkly little, almost like music box music. And there is this porcelain clown doll and its head is moving. It's not rotating, it's like if you were to try to stretch out your neck for anybody at home who's listening to this on audio. It was just leaning its head is like moving. Like it's not rotating. It's like if you were to like try to stretch out your neck for anybody at home who's like listening to this on audio,

it was just like leaning its head to the left and the right and back and all that stuff while playing that music. And I see it and I'm like, oh, poor little guy stuck up here in the attic. And I bring it down to my room. What? Yeah, and I just kept it in my room

for the rest of like my teenage years staying there. And it's so sweet. And so like apparently, like obviously that would have scared a lot of people because of clowns and nits playing music. But apparently it was given to my sister as a terrible Valentine's Day gift by a crappy ex-boyfriend or whatever. And she just put it up in the attic.

And she just put it up in the attic. But you know, that's not scary to me because I'm just like, I'm like, poor little thing. Poor little thing? It was fucking cracking its neck by itself in the attic in your home.

Well, it was a wind-up doll and it was meant to do that and it was all by itself playing music to keep sane. Who wound him up? That's the thing. Amanda,

a little something, maybe you heard it called the Lord? Yeah. The light of Christ? Find the Christian God. I am out of here. That clown would have been in the trash,

not in my house, in someone else's house. I don't want it near me. Tell you what. If a clown ghost starts to haunt somebody, who do you think they're going after? The one that showed it respect and brought it to a nice warm room, or the one who chucked it in a dumpster?

Good point. Just saying. Demon, I think I'm haunted anyway, so whatever. I like you finding the clown and being like, wow, look what Jesus does. And the demon in the corner being like, oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh, fuck. I found the spookiest kid. Do you know how hard it is for me to wind that toy up as a demon? It's really hard. Oh, goodness. Pissed. Oh, God.

I love that. Is there anything? Because I feel like legitimately scary things like that don't scare you. Yeah. But I feel like stupid things scare you. Like, I get scared by stupid stuff. What do you mean by stupid? I'll give you an example.

Yeah, please. I was thinking about this today. So, for one, paperwork scares the shit out of me. Because every time I handle paperwork, I think I'm going to get sued or I'm going to end up in jail. Any kind of paperwork. But here's a really stupid one.

This is a super irrational thing and it's not even like social anxiety. It taps into something dumber, I think. Whenever I'm in a public space and I'm I get into an elevator and there's someone there's someone

just far enough that you shouldn't hold the door open for them they're too awkwardly far away oh god yeah but it becomes this thing in my head where I'm suddenly

pressing the button and I'm like oh my god oh my god oh my god and like I'm like I'm just like

please shut please shut please shut and as soon as it shuts and I'm good I'm like I'm like whoo oh my God, oh my God. And like, I'm like, I'm just like, please shut, please shut, please shut. And as soon as it shuts and I'm good, I'm like, I'm like, whoo! Oh my God, that was close. And I'm like, for what?

Like, because whenever they do make it and they get in, I'm just like, hey, how's it going, man? How's it going? But I don't know what it is. I couldn't agree. I actually could not agree more. I think that I also have social anxiety. Like, when there's someone coming to the elevator, you're like,

I just hit door close, door close, door close. Because I don't, I get so terrified of having those really, like, I think I'm terrified of small talk. Small talk, sorry. I think that's what it is. It's like, hey, hey, floor two, yep.

And then the silence is the worst. And then you're like, are they gonna continue? Or do I have to continue? That's so interesting. It's terrifying. Because I have, first of all, I know you prefaced your story where you're like, it's not even a social anxiety situation.

It is. That's exactly what that is. It is. That's what that is. But I feel like it also becomes a little bit of a game too in my head. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, are they gonna make it?

Are they gonna make it? Run from the monster. I don't know. But I do have social anxiety. I'm not denying that. But it also feels just like dumber. I just wanna be like, you know, as a friend, you're like, it's not social anxiety.

I don't know what it is. And then you described social anxiety. So I was like, well, I actually have great news for you. But the thing is, I have social anxiety too, but for whatever reason, small talk on an elevator, love it. Really? Couldn't love it more. I was in an elevator the other day with an old lady,

and she legitimately started talking about the weather. And I really like to like, I don't consciously do this, but like I mirror people. And so like I try to pick up, not even again intentionally, but like I pick up their vibe. I knew it. And so like, you knew what? I knew it. So this old woman was talking to me, and I intentionally, but I pick up their vibe. I knew it. And so you knew what? I knew it.

So this old woman was talking to me, and I turned around and I go, yes! Yes! She's very specific to you. My grandson's coming in today, and I'm going to cook catfroes. She's like, me too, young boy. And her head is about to pop off her neck. Turns out she's a ghoul. Yes.

And now we're full circle. No, but like, if she's like an old lady and her vibe is like talking about the weather, then I also want to have a very gentle but very like direct opinion on the weather. So she'll be like, ah, this rain has been wild. And I'm like, I know, but we needed it, huh? And that's what, people who talk about the weather always say, but we needed it, huh? Like, that's the proper response how are you good how are you how about this weather

yeah but we needed it huh like it's you just play the social game for a minute and then they walk away being like what a nice interaction and you go idiots i wasn't even there mentally see i'm afraid i guess i'm okay with that but i'm afraid. I guess I'm okay with that, but I'm afraid of the continuing. I'm like, what am I going to end up promising them that I'm going to have to do? Like, that's my biggest thing is like, if I'm getting a bottle of wine, they're like, you need any help? My normal thought is like, nope. But sometimes I'm like, okay, Amanda, open the door. So I'm like, yeah, I need a little help. And then, you know, you pay, and then you're still there, and they're still in the conversation.

You're like, am I going to have to invite this person over? Like, is that what is needed of me? That's my own fear. Do you mind if I ask, this might be a little personal and if this is not the vibe for the podcast, let me know. But are you, would you consider yourself a people pleaser? Like, do you have a hard time saying no to things? Yes.

Big time. It's something I'm definitely working on. Like, I'm like, I need to stop promising that I will watch that person's, I don't know, dog or pets for like two months. Although I do love watching dogs. See, that's the issue. I'm a people pleaser, but I love people. And I love dogs. But you need to love yourself.

Oh, honey. It's about the balance, though, right? Because I'm a recovering people pleaser, and I love being polite. I love having great connections with people. But, like, as soon as that becomes less convenient to you for a stranger, you stop. Like, I answered the phone today on my way over to work, and it was just like, hi, is this Damien?

I'm like, who may I ask who's calling? They're like, this is Bill whatever for the Coalition of Police, and I immediately hung up. I wasn't like, oh, I'm busy on my way to work, and I'm so sorry I can't. Because they're going to have a script, they're like, this is Bill whatever for the Coalition of Police, and I immediately hung up. I wasn't like, oh I'm busy on my way to work and I'm so sorry I can't, because they're gonna have a script that they have to, I was just like beep, and then I blocked the number, and then never again, and you're good.

Does anything scare you, Damien Haas? Yeah. Does anything stupid scare you? Yes. Like there's real things that we're all scared of. Yes. What's something stupid? The darkness in my own mind.

No. No, things that really scare me. But it doesn't seem The darkness in my own mind. No. No. Because it doesn't seem like social stuff really scares you. Social stuff does, but it's, you know, I've been in therapy and, like, working past that actively. But I think the thing that is the biggest fear for me anxiety-wise is being misunderstood. Like, if someone is frustrated because they're they misunderstood something that you did or like if it's like if I make a mistake And it's clear that I made a mistake. I have no problem owning whatever consequences come from it I can apologize and if people need space or they don't want to be a friend anymore It's like that sucks, but I understand it

but when someone doesn't get your meaning or intention like if I send a message and I'm like Oh, I think that might have misinterpreted it that way like what if they're mad at me that sucks and those are the thoughts that stick with me that I really have to put to bed and like let go of control right text messages are definitely a scary yeah text messages are scary also group texts are very can be very scary if you are put on a group text where you're like oh my yeah and you don't know half the numbers and it's like you don't remember and they're trying to organize something and you're like and then when they all send gifs

gifs, how do you fucking say it? When they all send gifs and gifs and it just keeps going and you can't get off. Yeah. I've never talked about this before. I got added into a group on Twitter messages. I got added into a group, like on Twitter messages,

I got added to a group chat thing on private messages on Twitter of a bunch of really funny accounts that I was a huge fan of. You told me about this once. And I was like, holy crap, I think all of these accounts are so funny. They're all just kind of talking the shit, and sometimes they would pitch tweets, and I'd be like, oh man, it's so funny. But I never said anything, so I was just like,

oh, this is a lot of pressure. I eventually had a dumb tweet. I'm not even gonna say, because it was just so stupid. But it was one of those memes where it was like the hands shaking kind of thing. And you have the emoji of the hands shaking, and you have these two things. And I typed it all out, this tweet that I was thinking of.

I posted it there, and then the formatting just fell apart. And it looked so bad, and I was like, goddammit. And they just, they made fun of a little bit, nobody was making fun of me, like they're just laughing at everything, they're gonna continue like, they yes anded it essentially. It was, okay, if I remember correctly, it was me on Tinder, the monkey from Indiana Jones,

bad dates, and it was like, and it came out to look like Tinder, the monkey from Indiana. First of all, you didn't need bad formatting. That was bad. Oh, God. What? Wow. I don't know.

I was under a lot of pressure. She opened up to us. And you're like, yeah, guys, I love this group. And everyone's like, oh, no. And then they kicked me out. No, eventually it just kind of disbanded. This is when you try to finally dance in front of the popular kids at prom. You're like, this is my moment.

I was just like, whatever. Did you tell popular kids at prom you're like this is my moment What you're like hey guys the format Let me send it and then you resend it's the same format it felt worse it felt like a bumble a chimp It felt like it I think you should leave, Sketchfrog's like, I don't, what happened? The words are so weird. I didn't send that. I didn't send that. Oh my God.

Okay, okay. So anything scare me? Deep, deep, deep ocean. Yeah, you do have thalassophobia. I wouldn't say it's. But that's not an irrational fear. The deep ocean's really scary. It's terrifying. I think deep ocean is terrifying whenever we find something that...

All the rules that you've been taught about life in just existing on the earth, you're like, that's not supposed to be a thing. They've got those jellyfish with the 12-foot-long tentacles that just dangle down and pitch darkness. Oh, there's ones that's longer. Yeah, like the Meg. Yeah, like the Meg. Yeah, like the Meg. The Meg is like a real thing. The Megalodon.

Shut up, Meg. Big time. I'm Meg, and I'm gonna eat your ship. What? That's what the Meg sounds like. That's your Meg impression? That's my The Meg impression. Oh, The Meg.

The movie. The Meg. The movie. Not Meg. Not Meg Griffin. No, Megalodon. I feel like if Megalodon like I feel like if Megalodon

talked to a big I'm Meg and I'm gonna eat your ship that makes it less scary oh cause they've got that crimped like nasal passages

yeah cause their mouths are so big or it could be like I'm Meg and I'm about to eat your ship yeah

she's a woman yeah of course yeah she's a powerful lady she's a powerful lady in the fish world everything is you know very interesting when it comes to reproduction.

So the female Meg might be colossal, and the male Meg might be like a turtle. And you just don't know it. And he just docks for like a minute. It just docks, and they hook up, and she just destroys it? Come here, little turtle! That is a real thing. For the anglerfish or football fish. The male anglerfish just kind of

attach to the woman's body and they dissolve and just kind of become part of the woman. He becomes like a living set of gonads on her body and so she just then has both parts. She literally takes his nut. So needy. It's awesome. Okay. So we've gotten past our stupid fears. Let's get into

two sentence horror. This stuff is so much fun. I've been looking forward to this. So I pulled some legitimate two-sentence horrors. I love these. For those watching, for Amanda, let me refresh. Two-sentence horror is a subreddit where people can submit a two-sentence horror story, but it has to be two sentences. No less, no more.

And a lot of them are genuinely very good. So I'm gonna read a couple that I've pulled. These are some of the best. These are the good ones. These are some of the best of all time. Got it. These are solid ones. No creature in this?

Oh, just you and me. We'll get to the creature later, okay. My sister says that mommy killed her. Mommy says that I don't have a sister. Ooh, just got chills. My sister says that mommy killed her. Mommy says that I don't have a sister. Ooh. Just got chills. A24, pick that shit up. They did.

It's called the Vavitch. Oh, God. They made it. Here's our next one. I wake up and everything feels wrong. It's too quiet outside. I look out the window and see everyone standing still, looking at my house.

I would argue, what's the punctuation on that one? So that's, you've got a semicolon. You've got a semicolon on one of those things. Okay. That feels like three. No, it was two. But it was one of the sentences, I wake up and everything feels wrong, semicolon, it's too quiet outside. That's fair.

It is. Some of them stretch it. Okay. Semicolon is in two-sentence horror stories the equivalent of, well, there's no rule saying a dog can't play basketball. It's the air bud of two-sentence horror. Like, okay, maybe. Sure.

The doctors told the amputee he might experience a phantom limb from time to time. Nobody prepared him for the moments, though, when he felt cold fingers brush across his phantom hand from time to time. Nobody prepared him for the moments, though, when he felt cold fingers brush across his phantom hand. Solid. That reminds me of that old, old scary story that I read when I was a kid

called The Golden Arm. Guys ever heard of it? My golden arm. You guys ever heard of that? Is it in the same structure as Taily Pole? Does anyone know Taily Pole? No, it was like a book of scary stories and it was actually pretty dark. Is it in the same structure as like, Taily Pole, does anyone know Taily Pole? What's the golden arm? No, it was like a book of scary stories

and it was actually pretty dark. Like this guy, this husband, murdered his, or cut off his wife's golden arm to get money from it. And then he. This was a Quibi thing. This was a Quibi thing. They made it a Quibi. They made it like a.

Well it was a thing that I grew up reading when I was little. It was a book though, first, little. Yeah, it was a book. And then they buried the golden arm and the golden arm haunted him throughout his days being like, where do you have my golden arm? Something like that.

I have to find it. That's fascinating. Yeah, Quibi? Yeah, Quibi. It was the failed social platform. Yes, I remember Quibi. So they put on a show. They tried to put on the golden arm

I'm pretty sure dude it was a it was a great book another haunted I gotta find it that's why did y'all ever read scary stories to tell

in the dark oh duh yeah I would check that out from the library every year every year on what date just like a couple times

a year but like obviously more toward Halloween but like sometimes in the summer too and I ended up finding a used copy at a store recently and I bought it, and it was a little overpriced and you can still get them new online,

but I was like, no, this copy is old. This scared kid's just like me. I want this one, it's got screams in it. And then I read it and I didn't remember any of these stories. I don't know who I am. And now I'm a father. And then I realized it was actually just a copy of The Treehouse, the traveling, I don't know who I am. And now I'm a father. And then I realized it was actually just a copy of

The Treehouse, the traveling, I don't know, fuck it. Heathcliff. Heathcliff. Wuthering Heights. Oh God, I got Wuthering Heights. Oh shit, it's a compilation of Family Circus. Okay, I have one last good scary story. Love it.

And then we'll move on to the really good stuff. Okay. I woke up last good scary story. Love it. And then we'll move on to the really good stuff. Okay. I woke up to hearing knocking on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I heard it come from the mirror again. Ooh. So good. I love that.

Okay, I love that one. I love that weird shit. Okay. My favorite one that's actually good is very similar. I don't want to script the formatting, so in my telling, it might be more than two sentences. I'm gonna try my best. It's something like, come down here for a minute,

won't you sweetie, scream my mother from downstairs. As I walked toward the banister, I heard her call from the room next to me, don't go downstairs, I heard it too. And I'm like, ooh. That's probably the most famous one. Yeah, did you just feel that? I love that.

How have I not known about two sentence horrors? It's great. So good. You don't text me. But now This is all we would talk about. This is what Damien

does. This is all he does. So now we're getting into the good shit. Spooky friend. This is the good stuff. Okay. Are you ready?

The good, like better than that? These are the best two sentence horrors. I was just on a kick where I would watch a horror movie every week so I'm in the mode. I got out of it when Tears of the Kingdom was released but I will say, I was just on a kick where I would watch a horror movie every week, so I'm in the mode. I got out of it when Tears of the Kingdom was released,

but I was watching one every week. And I don't think I knew, Amanda, that you love horror movies too. Love them, but I'm deeply scared. Like, I watched The Boogeyman, and I still have to sleep with a nightlight now. Oh. So I go through the motions.

My sister's like, why do you torture yourself? And I'm like, but I love horror. Like, I love the feeling. Because I think horror just is really like talking about real shit. It's our deep psychological fears. Yes. And in order to face your fears, you've got to watch horror. I also think it is the genre of fantasy set in our world.

Because in the same way that fantasy has the freedom to do anything, there can be any kind of creature, any kind of circumstance, whatever, it has to be rooted in reality to really scare you in some capacity, so it's a really cool merging of ideas. Anyway. Yeah, I love it, I love it. Here we go, are you ready for like?

The best? The best? Stop world hunger, I asked the genie. I should have remembered scorpions and ants are included. Wait. I thought you said these were the best. These are the best ones. Wait, wait.

Oh, my God. Stop world hunger, he asked the genie. And he did. But it also included ants and scorpions and all the predators of the world. Right. And everything doesn't have world hunger. And everybody else. And everybody else.

And everybody else. I don't like that one. Okay, okay, I've got a better one. But my question, are we going to dive into these at all? We can dive into them if we want. My question is, why scorpions? Because if I'm thinking about, like, I don't want to get eaten by a thing.

Ants, terrible. Wouldn't want that at all. Scorpions, they don't bite you. You're worried about getting pinched. You're worried about getting get eaten by a thing. Ants, terrible, wouldn't want that at all. Scorpions, they don't bite you. You're worried about getting pinched, you're worried about getting stung by the tail. They're not gonna eat you. Like that was, you know what? Zero out of 10.

Like the Scorpion King, you know? He just ruled over Egypt for a while. Dwayne Johnson, unhinged, just his jaw. Here's our next one. I promised the devil every one of my future children in exchange for eternal youth. He started sucking and never stopped. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? Wait, are you saying? Wait, say that again. Okay. I promised the devil every one of my future children in exchange for eternal youth. He started sucking and never stopped. Now, hold on for a minute here. Are we saying that

the devil has taken her eggs, them being potential future children, and he just... I think we're talking about a dude who made a promise to Satan, and he's like, I promise you every one of my future children in exchange for eternal youth. And so Satan's like, okay.

All right, I'll suck your dick and you'll be eternally youthful. Right? Now, that's. Wait, how does that give him children all the time? Cause it's just cummies, I guess. But wait, so Satan takes the cum and then creates a baby?

Yeah, cause they're future children theoretically. They're technically his future children. Oh my god, I got it. Yeah, that one took some work. That's fascinating. Question, is the devil a baddie in this situation? Maybe. It's two sentences. That's all we get.

Is it fucked up that that story is a bit of a turn on? We can for sure unpack that whenever you want. Why is that a turn on? I don't know. I wonder if that's, see that's actually a happy story for the rest of the world because now Satan's busy.

Sorry, Satan can't talk right now. He's busy. What's he doing? Don't worry about it. There are nine levels of hell and 9,000 levels of gluck luck. Okay. Amanda, you're not alone.

That's a thing for a lot of people. Why is that a turn off? Jesus Christ. Not for me, because I'm normal. But there's a lot of people. I'm a loser. I already talked about this. I am a loser.

No, it's fine. In the best way possible. Okay, this next one's a little easier to understand. Okay, great. There was ghost. There's the ghost. Explain the dick joke to me, okay? LeBron James will never hurt me,

I whispered repeatedly in dark bedroom. You're right, he won't, said Michael Jordan behind me with a baseball bat. Brandon, Brandon over there just lost it. Wait, what? Guys, I think I'm like a fucking idiot. No, because here's the thing, Amanda. We're basically introducing you to a new genre of thing

and then asking you to watch a parody in the same moment. Wait. This is the most brand new thing you've ever heard in your life. I don't understand it. It's a sentence you've never heard in your life. It's okay. It's so stupid. I will say this, life. It's okay. It's so stupid. I will say this, though.

I think this one has a positive ending because I don't think Michael Jordan is about to beat them with a bat. I think Michael Jordan is there to protect them from LeBron. He's like, you're right. LeBron will never hurt you. And then he's like, batter up

because he's got a baseball career. But he wasn't a good baseball player. Michael Jackson's failed baseball career. Who's that? Michael Jordan's failed baseball career. Wow! You know what happens? Michael Jordan's failed baseball Wow Michael Jackson was a baseball player

Sir nope Nope, no, no a terrible job. All right, so you saw it. I can't wait to get these Okay, so next one you might get this one. They're just supposed to be bad now. It's a parody of the new thing we just introduced you to. These were reading bad. Sorry, I framed these as being the best. No, I understand that, but I still like, just keep going. Okay.

Here we go. Maybe, okay, this one's great. Okay. I was so happy we were going to finally watch the Mario movie. That's when I noticed we were going into the Wario movie. Okay, I understand that one. So now do you basically get the level of, can we curse? Yeah.

Shitty that that's supposed to be? So shitty. There we go. So shitty. Some of them are clearly. But the devil one wasn't shitty. So some of them are clearly a joke, right? These are clearly people just fucking around.

There are some, and I want you to spot them. They're the best ones are the ones where you're like, that guy was trying to be scary when he wrote that. And it is so bad that it's so funny. The Mario one is funny. That's the thing, though, because the internet gave us access to every type of person, every age, every everything, to put themselves out there in the form of art.

So whereas before, like with your other 11 year old friends, you're gonna be like, and there was also a ghost, and he had a hook, everyone's gonna be like, well that's so scary, like I wasn't scared. Now you put that on the internet, and we can't see who's writing the story, and we get to look at that and be like. It's just a grown ass woman.

Yeah. Marge. I am certain this next one, they were trying to be scary. Okay. and be like... It's just a grown-ass woman. Marge. I am certain this next one, they were trying to be scary. Okay. I am certain. Okay.

The man kept hearing noises in his walls, but felt safe when he found some dead mice. He never paused to think about how or what killed the mice. What? Oh, my god. God. But what killed the mice? What killed the mice?

Mice die, dude. They fucking die, dude. They will die for no reason in your wall. I remember back home in the same place where I found the non-haunted clown doll, full circle. No, but a demon killed those mice. Yes. We knew that there was a weird smell coming from the vents,

and my dad ended up finding where the mice probably were. So when he cut open the wall, an entire wall worth of dead mice just flopped on him. Stop now. Well, that's the end of the story. I have to. We finished the whole thing. Nothing else happened.

They didn't get back up and start dancing. They were like Damien Hodge. Hello my baby, hello my hottie. I had a five, six, seven, eight. You found us. Find our murderer, find our murderer. We are actually dead. We are ghosts that you can see. Is it bad that my. If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your tread's worn down or you need a new wheel, wherever you go, you can get it from our tread experts.

Toyo's open country family of tires will get you through tough weather in a variety of terrains. Until May 31st, save up to $100 in rebates on select Toyo tires. Find a Toyo tread experts dealer near you at treadexperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there at treadexperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there. Treadexperts.ca. Very much. What's up? And it was like, they were like, you found a Korok seed.

Like, do-do-do-do-do. Also, your house was fucked up and haunted. My childhood was fucked up, Amanda. Let's get into it. All right. See, that's the best part about horrors, is that it's like, is it the house that's fucked up, or is it your mind that's fucked up?

It was the mind because of the circumstances. All right, let's dig into that. Let's talk about that. Oh, okay. I'm just like weeping as soon as you get back from the intro. We're like, can we get him out of here? Can we get him in the water? Have you ever felt safe?

We can cut all that part. We don't have to. I'm just kidding. No, keep it in. Laugh at my pain. Fuck. We can cut all that part. We don't have to. Just kidding. No, keep it in. Laugh at my pain. Pain. You'll never know the darkness that hides beneath this laughter.

Also, that voice is pretty hot. Thanks. Hey, I guess Shane's still here. Whoa, which one? Hey, guys. Shane, what kind of eye cream do you use? I use Kiehl's. Do you actually?

Yeah. Me too. I actually don't use an eye cream. I just use. Yeah, we know. I just don't use an eye cream, I just use... Yeah, we know. I just use moisturizer. You know what, I went... I don't know how off topic we're supposed to get here.

I mean, we can do whatever. His hand is on the iPad. We're talking about moisturizer now. Yeah, but I have the weird brain. I went to, and this is just a little PSA for anybody out there, I went to a beauty supply store the other day to get an eye cream, and I found that Kiehl's had one, which was nice,

and then they had one in black that was like, Kiehl's for men, and I was like, okay, and I was like, wait a minute, and I asked the person working there, I'm like, hi, these look about the same, just with a couple different ingredients. Which one's actually better? And she's like, oh, the other one. And I was like, hi, these look about the same, just with a couple different ingredients. Which one's actually better? And she's like, oh, the other one.

And I was like, okay. Because anytime you go and it's like, this is man cream for men, I'm like, y'all, we have the same eyes. You can just buy the better version of the thing. Those beauty supply people literally don't know what the fuck they're talking about, I'm sorry. This one did.

They're like literally, oh my god, my husband has that, and his eyes glow. It's the craziest thing, like he woke up and his eyes are like glowing. She was a baddie. She definitely knew what she was doing at that beauty store. But don't worry, LeBron James cannot hurt you. As Michael Jordan just clocked in.

Make me for this one. You can cut all that. No, I'll keep it. Okay. Oh, by the way, quick pause here. We just started doing Dungeons and Dragons. Sword AF, Damien's the DM, Amanda and I are in it. Dude, it's so much fun.

It is. So fun. First of all, I am so stoked and proud of the cast. Stoked for and proud of the cast. This has been something I've been sort of tasked with working on for months and months and months and months and months. And I've never put so much effort into one project at Smosh. In fact, I rarely ever try with anything.

That's not true. And I learned how to DM and I met with DM friends and for those of you that don't know, it's Dungeon Master, it's the person running the game. And if you are not familiar with D&D, if you're like, ah, that's not my cup of tea, let me just tell you this. It is all just us

doing improv as characters. The actual like D&D aspects, quote unquote, are so minor. We're just telling a story together. We're literally just telling a story in characters

and we're creating our world and we're just playing together. We were laughing our asses off. Oh my God, I had so much fun. And again, my best friend from home who was like,

you're kind of a loser in the best way possible is you missed that my best friend from home, who was like, you're kind of a loser, in the best way possible, is you missed that episode. I did. But I was like, I think D&D is my greatest joy right now. It's so much fun. I love it so much. You're so good. Here, let's talk about our characters once towards the end of this episode.

So stick around. We'll go more into our characters. Yeah, let's do it. Let's get back into these two-sentence stories. Okay, let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. Let's get back into these two-sentence stories. Okay, let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. Let's use keels.

No, I'm kidding. Sorry. I sat in the packed theater with my snacks in hand, ready to enjoy the Cars 2 screening. However, my excitement was short-lived when a fellow audience member loudly acknowledged that I had spilled the beans I was eating upon myself, and they were the beans of an evil

variety. What are we talking about? What are we talking about? They were the beans of an evil variety, Amanda. Evil beans. Did he spill the beans like he told he spoiled something? No, he spilled beans upon himself. He spilled the beans

and he made sure to really detail it in one sentence. I had spilled the beans upon himself. He spilled the beans. He made sure to really detail it in one sentence. I had spilled the beans I was eating upon myself, and they were the beans of an evil variety. No. He took, like, key words, like a pawn. Like, I'm just like, stop it now. This guy's great. You know what?

I will say that. They are trying too hard to be funny. They're like, I'm going to be random. So random. And that's been done. That has be funny. They're like, I'm going to be random. So random. And that's been done. That has been done. But that was good. All right.

Here's the next one. What a noob I said in my heart to thing that wear my wife face sloppily. But I know better than points it up to the thing can rip off face like that. What is happening? That's my favorite one. I came across that and I'm like, on purpose or not, that might be someone who's just absolutely drunk.

Or it's the funniest shit. You know autocorrect did their best to make sure that did not happen. Yeah, they did that in the car on the way home. They were like, I gotta write this two sentence long. Oh, that's, dude. Yep. Oh my God, I'm now thinking about autocorrect

like as an office, like a businessman. Yes. Oh my God, I'm now thinking about autocorrect, like as an office, like a businessman. Yes. Like your lawyer trying to like type up something while you're drunk saying some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, okay, yeah, yeah, hold on, hold on. What is that? What is that?

Think, is that thing? Yeah. Okay, we'll run with think. Oh my God, that's so bizarre. That reminds me of the like Garfield, like of in, out the hot food when cold, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Garfield lore.

I can't not think of you as John now, by the way. I think of John and I think of you. Yep. Oh my lover and I! We're going to a Italian restaurant. I just think of Cat in the Hat. Oh my god! Moving on.

People think I look like Cat in the Hat. In what, the book? The Mike Myers? I see it, I see it. A real person said I look like Cat in the Hat. In what? The book? I see it. A real person said I look like Cat in the Hat. Yeah. Okay. Just think.

It's so great. It's going to pop up at two in the morning. You're going to be like, oh my God, she's Cat in the Hat. She looks like Cat in the Hat. Okay, next one. Okay. I love this one so much. I hug my sister at the airport, ready to say goodbye.

9-11. Oh man. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's just like, that's it. That like, are we, can we, that, no. We are in a very weird pocket right now where 9-11 jokes have just come back full force and everyone's like yeah

And I feel like in one month everyone's gonna once again be like oh, oh, I don't think we even can Oh, I agree It's a two sentence horror story. It's not they're not trying to maybe they're not trying to be funny No, I don't think they are trying to be funny, but it cuts me to the core It just it just direct to the so direct not a second sentence They just said 9-11 and she probably took five hours to write it, and then she was like, 9-11. Sad.

Sad. What's that movie, like, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Loud, where, like, that is the twist at the end? Extremely Close, Incredibly Loud? Yeah. What's Incredibly Loud and Incredibly Loud? I think that's about autism. I think that's about autism.

Then which one is? That's not about 9-11, I don't think. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is about 9-11. Oh, it is? But isn't it? It's like the last five minutes. It's Tom Hanks. I have not seen it.

Wait, that is not Tom Hanks' movie, guys. But which one are we thinking of? Because I know there's a movie where the last five minutes it turns out to be the twist. Guys, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is not. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is about 9-11. But is Tom Hanks in it? It's by the same author who wrote Everything is Illuminated, which I did read that book. But yeah.

Tom Hanks is in that? Yes. Yes. But yeah, I know there is a movie where the last five minutes, that is the twist where it's like, oh, you're in the world. You're thinking of the Patton, oh, fuck. What's his name? Edward from. Edward Cullen. Robert Edward Cullen Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson I am thinking about that there's a Robert Pattinson movie where the whole movie just is a movie and then the last beat of the movie is oh

he's on the plane and 9-11 happens that's the that's just the final twist of the movie that's so sad yeah that's that's a

there you go to me 9-11's like untouchable like you just don't next one nobody was worried That's so sad. Yeah, that's a... There you go. To me, 9-11's untouchable. You just don't... Next one. Nobody was worried when the murder clown invasion began at the beach. It's just one boat, they claimed.

How bad could it be? It's a clown boat, so there's so many clowns getting out of the boat. Oh my god. Okay. Got it. Got it. Thank you. Okay, thank you. I just thought, like, it was, I mean, it's bad anyway, but like.

How bad could it be? I do like clowns, but if you call them murder clowns, that is a different subclass. That is a different subclass of clowns. They operate differently. They spec into murder. They operate differently. Maybe they don't fit into boats as well. Here's our next one.

How do you like your eggs? Deviled, said the evil man. Okay, I love that. That was also a turn on. I'm also so, that's the same demon sucking the guy's dick. Yeah.

He came back and he's like, all right, I'm done with that. For how much? How do you like your eggs? For how much? Oh my god. No, no. For how much money, for how much money

would you go to Denny's and they go, yeah, can I get the Grand Slam? For sure, how would you like your eggs? And for you to look them in the eyes and go, devil. Just. The server goes okay

just fine dude whatever okay sure what hour of day are we talking here because if it's 3am we're talking like

noon okay if it's noon if it's noon that's insane if it's 3am that's not the worst thing they've heard in the past 15 minutes

no no no also also I can feel like a guy who's meeting his new girlfriend's friends does that joke at brunch and everyone's just like, oh my god, fucking kill me. And he's just like, deviled. Yep.

You know what the parents would call him if that happened? It's a term that's no longer used. They would call him a ham. They'd be like, he's such a ham. Stop hamming it up. I've been called a ham before. I've been called a ham. It's be like, he's such a ham. Stop hamming it up. I've been called a ham before. I've been called a ham. It's always by someone's...

It's rough. It's the equivalent of like an older person calling you an old soul when you're a kid, which is just you saying, your kid is weird. They're like, he's such a ham. Your kid's boring as hell.

He's an old soul. I got called an old soul a lot. I'm like, it's because I'm lame. I get it. Wait, I thought old soul was cool. No. Oh, no. When an older person is calling I thought old soul was cool. No. Oh, no. When an older person is calling you an old soul,

it means just like, damn, your kid sucks. They're already out of serotonin. Oh, my God. Your kid ran out of serotonin already. I call my sister an old soul all the time. Well, you're insulting her. But sometimes her jokes are a little like, what the fuck was that?

Exactly. All right, next one. To sustain my immortality, every 1,000 years, I must become a marble statue for 24 hours. It's been 23 hours since the maid came in to dust and accidentally broke off my penis. Oh, no.

And the devil runs in, he's like... The devil's in it. Five second rule, five second rule. Oh, I want oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Still a turn on. I'm still kind of turned on by that. I'm the devil busting into any room going, I gotta house that cock. Are you familiar with Wattpad? Because I'm gonna... Okay, just do devil x reader x cock and you're gonna have a great time.

You will find it. It's our new thing. Am I gonna get a virus on my computer? No. All right, next one. That was a hard day of work, I uttered as I lay down. You're telling me,

said the seven foot gorilla standing at the foot of my bed. What? I don't even know. I don't get it. I don't either. I don't understand. There's a gorilla at his bed. And he's seven feet.

A seven-foot tall. They're not that big. They're actually not that tall. But this one's gigantic. So that's the thing, I think. Because if someone is having that long of a day that they go in and don't notice a seven-foot gorilla until they lay down, the real horror is how much they've had to work in order to support their family in this economy. That's so true. Because they are just out of it.

The real horror there is the recession. Yeah, that's the real horror. Then the gorilla understands it. Moving on. Look, mommy, I found a weird-looking Easter egg, my son said excitedly, racing over to me. My heart dropped into my stomach as I saw him remove

the pin from the now-live grenade. Oh! Okay. Are you in a war zone house? I don't know. Are you in a war zone house? I don't know. Are you in a field? Yeah.

I like to imagine this is just like Sacramento, just the suburbs. To be honest, I feel like a grown ass woman wrote that. She's like, Twilight series, watch me write this story. I'm gonna show you real horror. I'm gonna show all these women at this book club what real horror is. When my son was looking for Easter eggs

and he found a live grenade. I think I can punch this one up. Yeah? Yeah, punch it up. Let's punch it up. Mommy, mommy, look at this Easter egg I found. My son yelled excitedly as he ran to me holding something. My heart dropped in terror as I saw

the weirdest Easter egg I've ever seen. That's great. What? It's just a weird Easter egg. It's even weirder. Or I'm gonna add to that, and then he opened it, and it was only a dollar, not $20 like I used to get. That kills. So I pulled out a grenade.

That'll be 19 more dollars to buy my service, said the not-kill-you man. The not-kill-you man! And then the devil pops in, is that a dick? Is that a dick? And then a skeleton rolls it up to snort cocaine and we're back. And we're back, baby. Next one. The lake didn't have any fish in it, because all of the fishes were walking on land. First of all, the way you read this is so good.

I gotta include the typos. It's so good. Yeah, you have to include the typos. So that means fish are just walking on land. That's actually terrifying. If you looked over and you saw a fish, full fish anatomy, they'd have to walk sideways.

Oh, I figured that they had feet. No, just human legs, like little tiny human legs. Now, what is a land fish? What's the closest we got? There's mudskippers. Yeah, like a mudskipper, like a skink. A frog, like a frog. Yeah, that's close.

Amphibians, yeah. They were tadpoles. Amphibians, yeah. And also, if you go back enough, we were fish. Oh, this next one, that's true what you just said. But this next one, very close to what you just said, but this next one, very close to what you just said. Ah, finally, I'm all alone, I said to myself as I sat in my bedroom at midnight.

No, you're not, said Knife Guy. I love Knife Guy! My god, he is friends with the dick sucking devil. The dick sucking devil and the Knife Guy. The dick sucking, dick, dick, dick, and the Knife Guy The dick sucking devil, dick, dick, dick, and the knife guy's like,

it's my time. Let's start blasting through these because there's some others. Let's do it. I got home from the store and began unwrapping several packages of meat. One of the meat began moving. I just don't like that.

I feel like a bunch of women, like bored ass ladies at home. You think women are writing all this? I see like teenage dudes writing this. I don't know why, but I think women are writing this. They're like trying out for their book or something. Okay. Okay.

Self-published. I was eating a cheeseburger and then I realized something was off. That was when I realized my nuts were floating. Wait. Wait. What? my nuts were floating. Wait. Wait. What? Nuts were floating what?

They were just floating. I was eating a cheeseburger and then I realized something was off. That was when I realized my nuts were floating. That's the stuff. What? That's it. Okay. So we got the dick sucking devil and the testiclops.

Testiclops. It's the testiclops. Testiclops. It's the testiclops, the little cyclops that runs up and just like, Is he eating a cheeseburger, like, in the tub, and, like, his nuts are floating up? Like, what's happening? I think it's, like, in the air, just like, Here we go. My garbage can smelled like yogurt,

but I haven't been eating yogurt. What the fuck? Where did the yogurt come from? Okay, that is kind of scary. The yogurt, man. That sucks. That means there's something sour in there. Or someone else has been using your bins,

and you're like, ugh. Okay, here's actually a legendary one. Great. Oh, I know. I feel like I know what's coming. Legendary. This is one of my favorites. Barry loved to play in the snow,

but so did the meat worm. Oh my God! Not the one I was expecting. The meat worm is a famous one. The meat worm. I actually fucking love that. You love the meat worm? I love the idea of a meat worm

because it makes me feel so disgusted. What do you think a meat worm, is it like one of those tubes of ground beef? Like the human centipede. I feel like the meat worm's like, But it's all like fleshy. Do you think the dick-sucking devil accidentally mistook it and he's just like,

oh yeah, oh gross, that was a meat worm! The meat worm's like, get out of me. The meat worm's just smoking a cigarette and you're like, that was nice. Yeah, that was nice. I'll add your soul to my worm pockets. Oh, you have the devil's soul. So you can either win it by beating him in a violin competition,

or he has to think you're a dick that he just wants to house. Violin? The meatworm has no hands to play violin. Night guy's like, hey, what about me? Cuts all the strings. Again. I thought I had the biggest penis of all. Then I saw the penis ghost.

Okay, these are teenage boys. These are teenage boys. These are teenage boys. Now we have our sitcom. We have the dick-sucking devil, the Tessa Klops, and the penis ghost. And Knife Guy. Knife Guy's the neighbor that walks in and is like,

got any knives? And everyone's like, yay! Penis ghost is like, you finally made it. Sorry, I'm late. This next one is incredible. I'm going to have a hard time reading this without laughing. I'm going to do it. I'm the one that always knows

when you've got uncovered toes. Whilst asleep, I'll uncover your feet, then those tasty treats I'll eat. Oh, okay, actually, actually, this is actually really scaring me. That was actually pretty scary. Because it's a known thing, you cannot have your feet out.

You guys know that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't have your feet out. Because they'll be grabbed and pulled underneath the bed. And then the tasty treats he'll eat. Oh, he's a foot guy. He's got a foot. Yeah, he's just like. That's why I was like, I wonder if this is going to do anything for anyone at the table.

He's on wicky feet. The dick sucking demon's like, you're gross, man. Yeah. You're fucked up. That's fucking disgusting, dude. You're awful. Have some respect. OK.

Damien? Yes. Is it time? It is time. It is time. Great. This one's famous. This is the legend of bad two sentence horror.

And it's a bunch of them, so we'll just keep going. Here we go. Get ready. It almost feels like Christmas, except I've got no eggnog. Thankfully, I can just milk some more from my creature. I love that. I love that. Ew.

The creature, yeah. The creature. Here we go. My kid asked me where the sun came from. I didn't have the heart to tell him. It came from my creature in the backyard. Oh, that one's brilliant. Yeah, right?

It's like sun and sun. Yeah. Oh, is it S-O-N? You guys get that, right? Like sunshine? It's S-U-N to begin. My kid asked me where the sun, S-U-N, came from. Oh, I thought they were just being absurdist.

I think that's what they meant, and they even kind of fucked up in writing. I think it's like, yeah, they fucked it up. It's so bad it's good. They wronged themselves in the right tone. Yeah. Hey, chef. I called into the kitchen. My meal began being prepared by a creature.

Is this the same person writing creature? And then I found a tweet. I found a tweet that's like, Gordon Ramsay on Kitchen Nightmares. Where are you getting this eggnog? Staff, we milk it fresh from the creature every day. Gordon, fuck me. They milk it from the creature.

This place is going under. Fuck me. They milk it from the creature. Fuck. He says fuck me. The devil busts in. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Mind if I fuck you?

Oh, the creature. What do y'all think the creature looks like when you hear this? Because I've got a very specific image in my mind. I hunched over. Hunched over for sure. Yeah. Just really, not fully sad. Just almost like, just kind of just like.

Yeah, like loose bottom, like nude colored. Amanda, this is crazy because we're describing the same thing. Really? Okay. This actually gets scary if we all have the same exact vision. Oh, this is like a Candle Cove situation. Are you familiar with creepypasta, Amanda?

No. We'll get into that on a different episode. Oh, that is, okay. Yeah, I would love to come back and talk about creepypasta because this is basically, this is basically a bite-sized version of something known as Creepypasta. So this is like a different spinoff,

and now it's a parody of that. But anyway, I think of the glob-glob-gob-glob as the creature. If you haven't seen that meme before, look it up after this. So you envision the creature as actually being scary. No, the glob-glob-gob-glob is not scary. It's not scary, okay.

He's fleshy, he's hunched over, and he's just sort of like nebulous and bulby. And he's got two hands, and I feel like his, this is a little out, and he's got really droopy

kind of sad eyes. That's the glob glob glob glob. No hair. I imagine, yeah, no hair. I kind of imagine like he has the expression of if he worked at a DMV. Oh, absolutely.

And a sloth mixed. And he doesn't really react to much. He doesn't do anything. Yeah. But you can milk him. He's filled with eggnog. Sure.

Well, that's what, because I think it's the kind of thing where spine-wise, musculature-wise, there's not a whole lot going on, but he is very bulbous, and you just find that whatever you need there, and maybe that's where the yogurt came from, too. That's also,

it's probably the yogurt one ties into these creature stories. I think probably. I have a couple that I found earlier today. Okay. Are you having fun? Because I'm having a great time. I'm having so much fun.

I love this podcast. Yeah, let's talk about kills. Great, great. I went to the beach that makes you old. I got old. I hate that. Shyamalan fell out. I hate that.

I hate it. I hate it old and I hate that. It'salan fell out. I hate that. I hate it. I hate it old and I hate that. It's foreshadowing though. The first sentence is like, oh, he's going to the beach that makes him old. I wonder if he's going to get old. I got old.

They did. That was that movie. This one, I think, I think this one was trying to be scary. I think. Father, I have made two new friends

today at school, said my daughter, handing me a picture she drew of them. Hey, wait a minute. These are the Ohank brothers who are wanted for child murder Okay, that is a fucking paragraph. Yeah, there's no way. I don't know, man. Come on, that person stole that from an an excerpt from like an episode of a crime drama.

Yeah. As long as that explanation took, that's as long as that fucking bad two sentence horror took. So you know what? I take everything back I said about semicolons because that could have used some. That could have used five of them.

And also he had a gun. And also it was a monster. And also I felt this way. Yeah. Here we go. It's only five night. It's only five night, Freddy Fazbear. You're just clearly not.

That's the end. You're not familiar with Five Nights at Freddy's, so that doesn't scare you. I'm not scared at all. Well. It would if you. If you knew Five Nights at Freddy's, it would scare you so much. Really? I pissed.

I'm peeing. Oh, because they're... What? I was walking alone in the cornfield. Sentient Scarecrow. No, you're not. I love that one. And I'll tell you why.

Because as much as I like clowns and stuff, Scarecrow's way more. Scarecrows are awesome. No, I think Scarecrows are terrifying. Really? They are scary, but in like a cool way. But Scarecrows can awesome. No, I think scarecrows are terrifying. Really? They are scary, but in like a cool way. Yes. But scarecrows can also be funny like Wizard of Oz.

He was so sad. No, he was happy. He was the one character where like all of his innards kept falling out. Oh yeah, you're right. Any other character, if all their innards fell out, that'd be not a movie for sure. I don't know, he's like a grown ass man.

Well, Tin Man, Tin Man, it would just be like robotic stuff. Yeah. What if it was human organs? That's literally what I'm saying. Like, name another movie that you're like, oh, this is fun, where their whole thing is their innards keep falling out. Yeah, but he's made of straw, so it's not as bad. You're made of people, me. I don't know.

I think scarecrows are scary, man. Are you a crow? Or any corvid? Oh, that's true. I never thought about that. You might be a blue jay. I think I'm definitely a blue jay. Yeah, that's what it is.

Yeah, I'm a blue jay. Yeah. But no, I love scarecrows. They're very sweet. I do, however, I have made friends with crows, so I can't have a scarecrow. Yeah. What are your crows' names?

The only one that visits me regularly, I've named her. Is Counting Crows? No, that's not what Dumona says. I've named her Alice, the one that visits me regularly. Go ask Alice. She's been waiting for me as I walk to my car in the morning. I will hear a beating of wings, and she'll land on a power line directly above my car and will wait until either I leave or I go in and get peanuts.

But I can talk to her and say, hey, while I wait for peanuts. She doesn't hang out and eat the peanuts while I'm there, but she just waits patiently and comfortably, and it's taken a couple months to get to that level of comfort. Can I please talk about the neighbor who's across the way like, he's talking to the crow again. He's getting peanuts again for the crow. I don't have any crow friends.

That's your neighbor. Yeah, probably. Yep. Yeah. That's what I picture when you're telling me that story. Someone watching you in the street. Someone on the- I'll be right back. The apartment balcony next to me just being like,

what's she got that I don't got? Yeah, exactly. The answer's peanuts. Jealousy. That man's got it all. He's got fucking crows, peanuts, everything. A vehicle. All I have is a dick-sucking demon that won't leave me alone.

Honey, are you coming back to bed? In a minute. In a minute. In a minute. In a minute. I have two more here. Great. I heard a knock on the door at 3 a.m. I'm on airplane.

Oh, I answered. Sorry. I don't get it. He's on an airplane. You heard a knock on the door. Wouldn't that suck? He heard a knock on the door. Something's that suck? He heard a knock on the door. Something's outside the airplane door.

At 3 a.m. I'm on airplane. I'm on airplane? I'm on airplane. Last one. You knew what it meant. That's really scary. Last one.

You knew what it meant. Hey, guys. I found the penis lair. There was no guys. Only the penis men. Okay. We have created a full story with penis men. only the penis men. Okay, we have created a full story with penis men. Only the penis men could thwart the dick-sucking demon. I don't know if they're strong enough canonically.

I actually don't think so either. Come back to bird. Because they require organization, whereas the dick-sucking devil, they're their own unit. Yeah, it's a lot to handle. Wow, this was really fun. I feel like I got very inspired by this.

There's a whole wiener pantheon. So as we were saying earlier, we're doing Dungeons & Dragons. Yes. And Damien, you are the dungeon master, and we have just kind of talked about the creature, the penis men, and the dick-sucking demon. So just keep that in mind.

I'll add them in. As you are creating our universe. Just so you know, we have only filmed the first two episodes so far. So at the time of filming this, recording this. So if you see any influence, be sure to comment below in episodes three and four. And be like, hey, saw this on the Smoshcast.

Saw the inspiration there. Before we go, I'm so bummed we're out of time. Yeah, sorry, I took a bummed we're out of time. Yeah, sorry, I took a lot of time about Mysterizer, huh? No, no. It's great.

You know, we like to talk about the characters we like to play and stuff here and want to do that more, but Amanda, your character on Dungeons & Dragons

is fucking awesome. Thank you. My character is named Dolores Paradise, which is a kind of tribute to my old piano teacher who wore straight patchouli. And I found out that she was a lesbian years later, and I loved her even more.

That's awesome. And she had a bunch of rings. But my character is a halfling warlock, and she's very, very motherly. And she just, to me, she feels like not your typical mom. She has needs and wants. She also gets a little horny sometimes but she really feels this need to protect and take care

and make sure everyone's doing well but she's also discovering her inner wants as well I love that and even in the first two episodes so far it's been wonderful to watch you play as this character and you just find these I mean I'm not surprised because you're such an incredible improviser but you just find these, I mean, I'm not surprised, because you're such an incredible improviser,

but you just find these little nuggets of like, oh, I think I would explore that in my character. And you take it with you, and it's clear to see that you've put in the work to make the character, but also build as you go. Yeah, I'm discovering her as I go, because I don't want, like anyone, I don't want to know all the answers right away.

That's great. I'm just discovering. And for those of you that don't know D&D stuff, a halfling is like a hobbit. It's a Frodo situation. And Shane has an amazing character. I love this. It's so much fun.

I mean, when we were doing practice sessions and stuff, I was a human druid. And I was like, I want to be a druid. I want to talk to animals. I want to turn into animals. But as we were talking, you mentioned to me, oh, there's also warforged and they're like robot type of things.

And I was like, oh, dude, what if I'm like a Beast Wars type of robot? So I am a giant like eight foot tall wooden robot that was built up by creatures of the forest. He's not necessarily stupid as much as he's just extremely gullible and oblivious. You know, kind of a mix of like Drax and Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy. It's so much fun.

It's the first time I've really like delved into Dungeons and Dragons and I'm having a blast, man. And you have to be really smart and quick on your feet in order to play like stupid and play it well. And like you said, he's not stupid. He's got like this childlike sense of wonder and curiosity because the world is new to him. Yes, he's discovering a lot. It's not stupid. He's got this childlike sense of wonder and curiosity because the world is new to him. But like.

It's been great and it's like this vehicle for us to explore the world as well because again, a lot of our audience may not know D&D. A lot of people at the table don't know much about D&D. So your curiosity allows us to be like, oh, that's what this does. Already so far, y'all have been nailing it and I've just been beyond excited.

And it's been really fun because I get to like, in sort of the moment, make up these characters that are interacting with you, you know, welcome to this town, this guy's in this town, and like I'm the guy that guides you around. And every new person that gets thrown at you, y'all have been like taking and immediately being like, okay, understood, that's what that guy does, great,

let's interact, and like it's just been, it's been a delight, like I've played a lot of D& Great, let's interact. And it's just been a delight. I've played a lot of D&D, and this is some of the most fun I've ever had. It's so fun. And also, we have Angela and Chance are also part of our mercenary group, and they have amazing characters.

I'd love to have them come on and talk about their characters. It's gonna be cool as we move further in the campaign to have people on, to have you back, and talk about it in more detail, because we just started it. It just, I think it came out yesterday. In case schedules shift, but pretty sure

it came out yesterday. So check it out. If not, it would be coming out today or tomorrow, whatever. But it's just fucking great, and yeah. It's a lot of fun. We're definitely doing our own sort of spin on things. Can I give like the one sentence pitch on what it is? Do it. Basically, the time that you would think about for D&D

of like heroes and dragons and yada, yada, yada, that just wrapped up. And now everything's back to like relative peace and there's too many heroes and not enough jobs. So we're a delivery service. It's basically like after COVID. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody wants to work anymore.

It's a lot of fun, so go check it out. And this has been a lot of fun here. I hope we didn't scare you too much. Yeah, we're so spooky. We're so spooky. But we do have one spooky question for you, Damien Haas. All right. Who is your favorite Smosh cast host? Yeah, tell us.

Smosh cast host? Yeah, between Shane or Amanda. Who's your favorite Smosh cast host? Go. Go. Listen, it has been a long road for both of you. Incorrect. Incorrect.

It's Amanda. Oh my god, it's me. It's Amanda, obviously. That is incorrect. And that is correct. Actually, that's correct. It's Amanda, obviously. And that is correct. Actually, that's correct. Canonically, Amanda is strongest. That is incorrect.

Yes. Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you later. We'll see you next week. See you next week. Get out of here. Comment down below what's the scariest creature. Yeah, and if your creature matches our creature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think the creature looks like? Let us know. There's gonna be no comments until we open up. See, filtered comments are gonna be like, Dick Devil, Dick Devil, Dick Devil, and you're like, okay, got it. Bye! Bye! If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel,

your tread's worn down or you need a new wheel, wherever you go, you can get it from our Tread Experts. Toyo's open country family of tires will get you through tough weather in a variety of terrains. Until May 31st, save up to $100 in rebates on select Toyo tires. Find a Toyo Tread Experts dealer near you at treadexperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there, treadexperts.ca slash locations.