So... Alright - An Impromptu interview

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Geoff sits down with a special guest for an informal chat about life and love. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash yamex. So I'll be honest with you guys.

I wanted to do just about anything other than stare at my own waveform while I recorded this episode this week. So instead, I decided to stare at two waveforms. I don't have guests often. I've only had three, I think, in the history of soul, right? Which I don't know how much of a history that is because I have zero idea how many episodes I've done. If you told me 30, I'd believe you. If you told me 130, I'd believe you.

One of those guests was my beautiful, vivacious, hilarious, multi-talented, amazing, perfect in every way, wife, Emily. Hi. Hi. I had you on over a year ago because I wanted to interview you. about your podcast, Clutch My Pearls, which is a podcast. Well, I don't want to tell you what your podcast is. You want to, yeah. You want me to tell your audience? Yeah. It's a podcast where it's me, Barbara Badoor, Vanessa Villegas. We sit and talk about books. I don't read any of the books and the books happen to be smutty books. But they, yeah, it's really fun.

So they like pitch the book to you and then you guys clutch your pearls. It's book club, but only one of you has read the book. And one of you... It's a smutty book club. Yeah. And one... And, uh, Barbara and Vanessa take turns telling me about the book and telling each other and presenting them. We have so much fun and we laugh and we keep it light and easy.

And it's just, you don't have to read the books. You don't have to be into that kind of genre. You can just enjoy being silly. However, that's not what I want to talk to you about tonight. Okay. I love it. Just giving you an intro. Love it.

Like you're a multi-hyphenate as well. You also own your own business. You own a salon. You are the preeminent stylist in the entire state of Texas. I don't know about that. That's what I've heard. That's what the scuttlebutt around town is. Scuttlebutt.

Is that if you want blonde, you go to Emily. She's the expert. I don't know about that. But, sure. I'll take it. Sure. Fuck it. I don't care.

But I honestly don't want to interview you as much as just hang out and talk. to you a little bit. Have a conversation with you. I want to do something a little more casual and just, I don't know, spend some time just having a chat with somebody else on this podcast that isn't related to me interviewing them about their long walk across America or what it was like to grow up in a baseball team or what it's like to launch your own podcast about smut as a woman who has no experience in the industry and then the, you know, the... Or the genre or anything. Oh, yeah, or any of it.

And just what that learning curve was like, you know, I just kind of want to see how you're doing. Oh. We've been married for going on two years now, just about. Dated for quite a while before that. It was pandemic years, too, so I think that counts as double. Yeah, and I like dog years, pandemic years. So we, I think the first year we lived together was the pandemic year. So that was seven years right there.

I moved in at the beginning of. April of 2020. I remember when I had the movers come to my house and I was like, should they be wearing masks? Yeah. And then thinking I was going to get alone time still.

And nope. Nope. We just had a date tonight. We did. It was a silly date. It was. It was an authentic date. You tend to work on Tuesdays,

Wednesdays, Thursday. You work a lot. Yeah. But Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays are late nights for you. I don't see you. You leave by. 845 in the morning, and you're not usually home until close to 9 p.m. And when you are, when you do

walk in the door, it's not the woman who left. It's a carcass. Yeah, it's like, it's the, like the ghost of the lady who left in the morning. And you're, you're just broken and exhausted. And I feel so bad for you. I try to have your dinner ready for you. I try to have like, what's that? You have the candles lit. I have the mood lighting. I try to have housewives or whatever we're watching. We've been watching, I've been having a lot of Downton Abbey ready for you. Which, by the way, I love to do. I love to take care of you in that way

because I'm a, I work from home and you, you know, have to go to the salon. It is, uh, I look forward to it every day when it's about, like, I get a little itchy around like 6 p.m. And I'm like, oh, it's start to get ready for Emily. And anyway, because you're just so tired. Mm-hmm. So to see you on a Tuesday, today we're recording this on a Tuesday

is such a joy for me because we never spend our Tuesdays together. You took this Tuesday off. I don't know why. Just for the hell of it. It's just a random Tuesday I took off. a long time ago. My schedule gets booked up a couple months in a year to advance that I have to kind of go through and block out my schedule randomly. Hair salons are kind of like tattoo parlors

in that if they're successful and they're going well, you probably can't get an appointment for six months, right? Yeah. But depending on the stylist or the tattoos. Yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. There's definitely like, you know, a difference in 20 years experience and someone else. But yeah, and it ebbs and flows and all that. But no, I've very fortunate to have a good career in that way. Yeah. Is that going well, the salon? Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm good. I mean,

our bills are getting paid. I'm here. That's all you can ask for, right? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So, I wanted to take advantage of our Tuesday. Yes. It was a bit of a weird day. I had to record the, a podcast today. We don't typically record on Tuesdays. We record on Thursdays, but we've got some travel amongst the group coming up. And so we've been having a bank episode.

So it was actually kind of a surprise recording. we did today. So there wasn't a lot of preparation. It was actually really good. I enjoyed it. But so that took me away from you. And then we had to wait for a new dishwasher because our dishwasher, I say ours. The dishwasher in our landlord's home that we use has been broken on and off for the entire 18 months we've lived here. And finally, they got us a new one. And so we had to be around to handle the install. Not that we installed it, but to receive the guy and make sure he has everything needs and then takes the old amount and make sure it works running it for the first time right now so we'll see if it's flooded downstairs when we're done fingers crossed we'll find out

got the second time we used the washing machine in this house was when we flooded the kitchen yeah you had to record i think you had to record the first episode of regulation like right when we moved in and basically had the bare bones set up and i was like okay let me run some laundry where i'm packing and i did that and then i went downstairs and i was like oh no like Albert had an accident on the floor and I'm like there's water like oh shit you know and then I was like what and I was like no he hasn't been down here and then I look up at the ceiling and you never want to see water dripping out of the drywall in the ceiling and I just had a thought of like oh my god what where is that coming from and just if we had like cameras recording inside of the

house at the time then they would have just seen me frantically running upstairs trying to find where the towels are packed and this stuff, but also trying to, I can't yell, I want to yell fire, but I would yell, water, water, but you were recording, and I'm just running up and down the stairs, and it was just a mess, and then realized that, like, okay, this is that, and there wasn't any water upstairs, it was the pipe, but wherever it drained. I don't know.

It was the damnedest thing. It was behind the dryer. It was like the, like, the wall behind the dryer, and it was, yeah, it was crazy. It was like between two, between the bathroom and the laundry room. Yeah. They butt into each other. So, we'll see. But not our problem. We rented.

Yeah. And then you had errands to run all day. So we didn't end up spending a lot of time together. Right. But we reconvened at the end of the day. And I pitched you in an idea that we should take. I heard Tuesdays are the best day to go to Costco. Yes.

I heard they're the lowest traffic day to go to Costco. And I have been really hitting, I've been getting age appropriate with how angry I get at traffic and people in bulk. Yes. And Costco is like. my favorite place for bulk items, my least favorite place for bulk people. And so we went on a Tuesday night because I heard it was empty. And we got some pizza and we got our sodas. We did our life hack.

Or maybe it's just a life pro tip. Yeah. And then just walked around fucking Costco all night long, sipping on sodas. And I had the nicest time with you. It was a delight. There was all the same amount of stuff. You don't need, they don't really have, it used to be that you would go to, Costco or Sam's Club on the weekends and you'd get like awesome samples.

I've never been and had a good sample that was like, hell yeah. It's always stuff where, like, like, time I got like corn nuts. And I was like, the corn nuts are good. And then I ended up with a bunch of corn nuts. I didn't want to eat. Yeah, they tricked you with giving you normal corn nuts. And then they made you buy a variety pack that had like 18 flavors of corn nuts. And none of them were good except for normal and ranch.

I think those floated around our pantry for like a year. But no, anyway, so there's, it's all the same stuff that they have on the weekends that they have now on a Tuesday and a third of the amount of people, not as many like mindless people in the aisles. Yeah. There weren't as many, there definitely weren't as many children running amuck that I was going to run over on accident. Yeah. I had a delightful time. It was really nice. I felt like we could maneuver and I didn't, I wasn't like in a hurry to get out. No. No, we were able to mozy, which is what we do. We have our route at Costco. We go up and down each aisle and you have to look at everything. Absolutely not trying to be an ad for.

Costco here. If Costco wants to sponsor, I'm up. It's just, I love spending time with you. Uh-huh. But I love spending time with you in your element. My natural habitat.

In your natural habitat. Much like I'm sure you love spending time with me. Like you get a grin on your face when we go to a baseball card shop. I love to go to baseball games. I got to go to anything. You love to watch me at a,

like nobody's happier at a Celtics game than you are supporting me, which I love. And so I love to return the favor by going to Costco and Marshals and Home Goods. Although we had this discussion earlier, we have replaced home goods with Marshalls. But I think it's because Marshalls has a little bit less stuff. I'm also obviously I've lean at my age, I'm almost 40 years old. I don't give a fuck.

I'm not cool. I'm not hip. I don't go to the cool boutiques. I go to fucking Marshalls, okay? I don't care. I'm a basic bitch. I prefer Starbucks or, I mean, Dutch Brothers, number one. Yeah, Dutch Brothers has really occupied a lot of our attention since it hit Austin hard about, what, six months ago?

I like what I like. I'm a boring blonde girl who gives a shit, whatever, you know? I don't think, I think you're anything but boring, but, you know, but, yes, my hierarchy of my stories have gotten into, I've never been a T.J. I've never been a Maxinista because I only have one near me. But then Home Goods is now replaced by Marshals. I think Marshalls has less stuff than Home Goods. Home Goods can be overwhelming and you've got to dig through stuff. I don't feel like digging.

Marshalls, you get there and you're like, it's a little yucky depending on the day. But then you can find like a cute soup rest or whatever. It also sounds like we're buying stuff constantly. For you walking around Marshalls or Target or Walmart or Home Goods is just about pointing at stuff and going, oh, that's cute. Popcorn maker. like it very rarely does it make its way in a cart and one thing I do like about you is that if something makes its way into a shopping cart

that doesn't mean we're buying it. No, no. That's like you're bookmarking it so you don't have to go back and find it again somewhere in the store later if you decide you want it. And I would say probably 40% of the stuff that goes into the cart gets purchased, which is interesting.

I think it's part of my, you go up and down the aisles. I mean, there's stuff where you look at the item and then you have to play the game of like, okay, I'm going to get this if it's $8. Yeah. But then you look it over and you're like, $23? Hell no. I don't want this. And then if you're like, okay, $7.99, sure.

Put it in the cart. Then you mose you around and then you go, I don't want this. And then you get it out. I got enough of the dopamine hit and then I put it back. Or I'm like, oh, yeah, I want this. I feel like for you a perfect, like, mid-morning Saturday is to go get a Dutch brothers or a Starbucks. And then go to a target with a, or whatever the store is, whether it would be a Michael's or shopping center.

And then just grab a cart and then just put stuff in and out of your cart while you look at your phone every few minutes, chat with Vanessa or whoever and spend maybe 45 minutes in the store and walk out spending either zero or less than 30 bucks. Yeah, just random stuff. But then, or I'll walk out and go, ooh, oops. I guess I got all new bedding. I don't know. Yeah. But yeah.

And then I feel that would be like my perfect day is like wake up, Starbucks. There are some shopping centers that I've seen where it is like Target, Marshalls, home goods, you know, whatever. And then finish it off, Texas Roadhouse. God damn. I love Texas Roadhouse. I'm so tired of Texas Roadhouse. I grew up in one of the most supportive. bourbon places in Texas, and I live for a chain restaurant. Again, I don't, I don't care.

I'm done going to the bougie restaurants. I'm done. Because I also, we go to Texas Roadhouse, we get two good meals. I eat a thousand bread rolls. I get big ass diet Coke. Leave out. Free refills. Oh, for sure. And you know what we walk out? Less than 60 bucks. And they'll give you a, they'll give you a soda to go if you ask for it. I'll put it a to go can't contain for you. I bet they'll give you rolls to go to. I am right there with you on the value of Texas Roadhouse. Like, it is annoying to go anywhere in Austin. And I assume that's anywhere in any major city in the U.S.

It's not just Austin. But you go and, like, we eat lunch at a pizza restaurant where we each get two slices of pizza, two diet coax and maybe some mozzarella sticks, or we split a Caesar salad or something. And you walk out of there and you're like, how the fuck was that $76 for a Wednesday lunch? And how much did we just spend at Costco on the?

the exact same meal. $5.60. Yeah. Exactly. I think is what it was. Two slices of pizza and two sodas. Exactly. Stop. Got to stop bumping the mic.

I'm not doing it. It's the dog. He's being so much better. Last time we recorded, he was still a puppy. And Albert has been coming in and out of the room. But last time when we recorded it was a puppy, we had to scrap that whole episode. We recorded because he was jumping and bumping and stuff. But he's growing up to.

He is in the process of becoming a dog. A good boy. I, you know, I spend 24 hours a day with this little guy, and so I watch him like a hawk. And yeah, I'm talking about you, buddy. And he, they say that for about 18, first 18 months to two years, a bulldog is like a little velociraptor. And that has definitely been the case. But I would say he's got to be 22, 23 months.

He'll be two in October. Yeah, he'll be two in October. Yeah. So he's just about it as two years. And I would say about six weeks ago, he slowed down. He's a good boy. He just hit the brakes and was like, I'm a dog now. He found a new place to sleep where he loves to sleep on top of the sofa like a little billy goat and he has marked that as his spot and it's he wants to spend all day on top of the sofa laying there now.

He also likes to now sleep instead of sleeping between us. He sleeps between me and the headboard. So he's like like a crown on my head. He's like a hat. He still manages to kick you, which makes me laugh. He kicks me so hard all night long. There's not a night that goes by and I don't get kicked in the jaw by Albert. I just chuckle because it's such a wind-up that he does.

And it's just, boom. He fucking loves it. And it feels so intentional, too. He's a baby. He's a great guy, though. Well, so everybody's getting to know me that I'm boring and basic, and I'm not cool and mysterious or unique in any way. I'm just every other. Oh, stop.

You are in every way a snowflake. That's true. That's true. You know what I am. I am a liberal snowflake. You know what I mean. You're unique. I'll own it.

I'll own it. You are so unique. There's nobody quite like you. You know what? Long blonde hair rolling up in my SUV to Marshalls. I know. Listen, that makes me look like I'm cosplaying as something else, but I'll be a liberal snowflake.

For somebody who fucking hates to be from the Woodlands, you are very from the Woodlands. I can't help it. For you non-Texans out there, there is a suburb of Houston called the Woodlands. This is where Emily grew up. She's not actually from there. She's a Kern County cutie. She was born in Kern County, California and Bakersfield, California, home of the Bakersfield Sound, which is all you guys are like that and meth, I think.

I think they're from there, too. The band corn? I think the band corn. That doesn't make it any better. Oh, that's part of the, they're part of the rich pastiche of the Baker's Field Sound. Yeah. But in the suburbs, like, I would say, like, is it, would you say northeast of Houston? It's north of you, directly north of Houston.

Directly north of Houston is an area called the woodlands, which is where all the, you know, rich, suburban white people live. We lived on the, we lived right on the border. How many floors was your house? Two. Okay. Interesting. And I didn't. But there was so many things that if we compared it to what most other people,

it was very normal upbringing. There was not like most of the people that I grew up around for sure. I will say this. Woodlands is fine. I went to a bunch of warp tours there. It always seemed to be at the woodlands. You guys had a pretty good mall. Cynthia Woods, Mitchell Pavilion, yes. There you go. But I thought it was super pretentious because they do this thing in the woodlands where you are not allowed to see the business sign from the street. They have like trees in front of all the establishment. So the McDonald's is hidden by a row of trees. So you just can't fucking find anything in the woodlands. And it doesn't make it look nice. It just makes it confusing. I haven't been there in, like, probably, I don't know, 10 years or so, but I assume the pine trees are only bigger. But yeah, you really, I think that's all I knew. And so I didn't think about it.

But when I have gone back, which we should, I think there's a pot mart there. Oh, well, yeah, we've got to go. I can point out where I'm like, that used to be this. That used to this. You could get some duckies. You could show me where Sketties used to be. Hell yeah. My first job was at a place called Skettys.

Which was an Italian restaurant, which I assume it was. because Skeddy is a short for Spaghetti. And it was written in comic sands. And it was off of the, like, off of I-45. It was like on the feeder road. Was it a chain? No. No.

It was just a solo shot. I think it was just a solo. I think, I don't know. I was 16 and a hostess. How long did you work there? I worked there. Not too long. I worked there for, I don't know, a couple months.

And then I got a job at a tanning salon. And then you, then that began your long career of working at tanning salons, yeah, until you, you found, you found your niche. Yeah, I was at Tan Super Story, which was next to the Bally's fitness in the Kroger parking lot, yeah. Which was where? That was in the woodlands, but that was close to where we were, which is like, for all my woodlands heads out there, it's off of sawdust. It's when H.E.B was still H.E.B. Pantry foods, and it was like not good. It was gross. Oh, really? Yeah, it used to, like, H-EB used to be, like, food for less. Really?

Yeah. I never knew that. The one, I mean, because it was called pantry foods. And then it eventually became H-E-B. Or then Central Mike came on. There's a, again, long history of chains that I know about at the woodlands. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points on every qualified stay.

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details. The first time I went to a central market, I was, I just moved to Austin, so I was maybe 23. And I walked into a central market and I couldn't figure out how to put, how to buy produce. Because you had to do that. I thought that was so. And it was, it scared the shit out of me. And I got flustered and I got mad and I stormed out with my first wife. And I said, we're never going back to that store again. And I didn't go to central market for years. after that. And then at some point I went to a Whole Foods and I went and I learned how to use a grocery store and I went, oh, I'm the dumbest person on earth. I thought that was so like advanced. I was like, whoa, this is so fancy. When you go and you can be like, I can scoop my own

beats. Yeah. You're just like, what is this? Whoa. Yeah. You have lived then. I want you to do something for me. I want you to rank your favorite places that you've lived from favorite to least favorite. You know, I'm going to see if I get it right. You got Bakersfield, right? Which, okay. Or Kern County. Where I have lived? You've lived in your lifetime. Okay.

You've lived in the Woodlands. You've lived in Austin. You've lived in Southern California in Orange County. Costa Mesa. Anywhere? Am I missing anywhere? Irvine, but that's the same thing. It would be like saying you lived in Round Rock versus Flugerville.

It's pretty much the same thing. Just bundle it. Orange County. Yeah. Yeah. So rank it for me. Well, I don't, I mean, everything is so... Like, I liked Bakersfield, but I was a baby and I was a kid.

Like, what do you not like about being three years old somewhere? Okay. Well, how about this? We, you have to move to one of these places. Oh, I'm not going to live in Orange County again. Orange County? Yeah, but it was just like at the time in my life, I was young. And I went out there to do college.

And then I realized that that wasn't for me. And then my mom was like, well, you don't get to do nothing. And so then she suggested I tried beauty school. And so I went to Colleen O'Hare's Beauty Academy in the Orange Circle. in Orange, California. Would you have gone, would you have done anything your mom suggested?

Like if she had suggested a different trade, like aesthetician or some other, would you have just gone that route? Or did you feel connected to beauty? No, yeah.

Like, it was definitely where it was like, well, you don't get to do nothing. Right. Like, you don't get to just like

figure it out. She did one semester of college and then yeah, I think I did like either a year or a semester. I don't really remember. Yeah.

I think so. I remember I did, I remember I had like, I liked, the classes like I liked like my film class and I liked that kind of stuff but I didn't like you know like economics and stuff like that like and I was just going for a liberal arts degree and so it's like still especially now that I have like the luxury of looking back it's like okay well I still probably would have had to figure out what I was going to do I like I wasn't drawn

to marketing I wasn't drawn to anything and I wasn't ever a big student person and so and I always felt like I was wasting my time. And so that's where I was like, I just feel like I'm wasting my time. I should be doing something. So that's where I think it was, I just remember that, you know,

there was a suggestion of almost like, well, let's look through like a trade or something, you know? If I had grown up tinkering with things and had any interest in electricity or whatever, I'd probably be an electrician, whatever.

Like there was definitely everything was a possibility. But I think that that clicked for me just because it was also like, And I was like, well, you love Barbie and you, this is very much you. Yeah, I kind of was going that angle. Like, is it, because you, Barbie was such a big deal growing up to you. You really loved Barbie, collected Barbie. Barbie came.

Your parents did the cutest thing, which was for your birthday. They had Barbie come to your birthday in a Barbie Corvette. Yeah, the big happy birthday dress. And like, in my mind, like, she was Barbie. Like, this was in Bakersfield. And so I think my mom found her, they must have found her in some back of a newspaper. or something at the time. And, I mean, it's just, I had to have been probably my fifth or sixth birthday.

And, I mean, we have, I remember it so well because I think we have it on, every bit of it's on video. Yeah. Then, you know, she pulls up in her corvette, which now we're like, why does Barbie have Alaska license plates? Oh. And then, you know, she gets out. And like, and like, as a kid, I was like, she's Barbie. This is her.

I saw the photos. But then you look at her, you're like, Barbie. Yeah. And then you look at her, you're like, oh. Those are ripping sags like to the car. Basically. Yeah, that you're like, oh, man, Barbie's looking rough. But, I mean, her dress was the happy birthday Barbie that, like, I had in the box. You never take out of the box.

And she was so nice and she was so sweet to us. And, you know, in the home videos and stuff, you hear her being like, well, maybe you should tell your mommy that I should come to your birthday party. And you were just all sitting in there and we're just, like, staring out. I were just so excited. You see my mom in the background calling her friend and being like, oh, my God, do you have to come over? Like, this is amazing. And so Barbie did our makeup.

And we would just look like bright blue eye shadow, bright pink and bright red lips. And we're like, we're the most beautiful things in the world. Yeah, that's so sweet. And this was your 17th birthday. Yeah, it's crazy, you know. How were you, seven, six? It had to have been five, six or seven. Yeah.

Because we were still in Bakersfield. And, no, that was such a memorable birthday. And it was just, and she drove me around and her Corvette, like, drove around the block. That's very cool. Yeah. I have to show you the videos. Oh, I would love to see the videos.

I have all of our home videos on DVD. Theater. We've got to find a DVD player. The Xbox will play it. Okay. So it was sort of just like you had a long, a lifelong love affair with Barbie and beauty in general. Yeah.

And so it just kind of, it clicked for you. Yeah, and, like, I mean, I think if I went to, like, I remember being in beauty school, and it really just clicked one day. I was like, oh, I get this. I understand how this works. I know it just, it makes sense to me. You're like, it was your neo, I know kung fu moment. For sure. Literally, it was insane.

And so I just, you know, did it. I have a question. I just made a Matrix reference. Have you seen the Matrix? No, but I get it. But you get the reference. It's enough. And I told, like, I know kung fu.

I've seen that clip. I don't, I'm good. I was because you got the remits and I thought I tried to temper my references with you on stuff I know you're not going to get because of space problems but yeah I guess that one like hit the hit was high enough

in the zeitgeist that it yeah it pervades everywhere yeah interesting have you ever seen Star Wars I have seen the first one I remember them being on like I've seen clips of them

but I couldn't tell you what order Like there's like scenes that I remember from it But then I also Right like I know everything from Family Guy Yeah Oh okay Family Guy taught me Star Wars But like I remember certain scenes

Like I remember the ad ass I thought those were so cool I remember waiting he had to like Cut a thing open and sleep inside of it or something Yeah And then I remember thinking that The little Wookies are so cute

So how about Star Trek? No I saw the new one Chris Pine went with my mom in the theater when it came out. And then I was like, that's fine. How about any superhero, anything? I guess you've seen Batman.

For sure. Batman. I've seen all the Batmans. Yeah. What about Lord of the Rings? I saw it once and I was like, this? This is what everyone flipped the shit over? You saw one of them or you saw all of them? I saw the first one. And then you were good. I just remember thinking like, oh, it's over? What about?

Like everyone, I think that they weren't, then they just start their journey or something? Yeah, well, you had six hours of film waiting for you still. Ugh. What about Harry Potter? Saw the first one. Read the first book. Saw the first movie.

That's it. Did you like the book? It was a require, it was a summer reading book for me. Oh, you had to read it. And I ended up doing the audio book because I liked it better. Much more of an audio person than a reading. Twilight? She's seen those?

Read the first one. purely because we, Hurricane Ike came in and knocked out the power for two weeks and Sarah, my friend Sarah Scott was obsessed with it and I read that and I was like, wow! And then I think I started the second one because I remember the like turning the pages where it's like January, February, March, whatever, you know?

And I saw the first Twilight. I saw the first Twilight movie, but I saw the riff tracks of it. Okay. Which is so good. How about Hunger Games? No. Don't know anything about it. Something about arrows and something.

I don't know anything about some of these properties, too. I'm just trying to think of all the most salient, like, sci-fi or fantasy properties of the last, you know, however many years. I could probably get into Harry Potter, although we're not, I mean, it's such a, it's got so tainted by the author and the creator stuff. But, like, I only because I would only want it because I would love to have the feeling that people get when they go into, like, Universal Studios. Yeah. And you're like, oh, my God, I'm in the, I'm in, like, I get enough. of like Diagon Alley and stuff, but I feel like I would get it more... If you're a fan.

But it's purely to go to Universal Studios. Like, that's it. Like, even when we went to Disneyland and we were in the Marvel area, I was like, I don't know, face shit. I don't know where we're at. Star Wars is cool, though, in that. But, again, you get enough of it, but there's so much of the new stuff and Star Wars property has gotten so big that it's just... And you don't feel like you're missing out in any way. No.

How about this? I've talked about space problems in content for a couple of years now since we've been together. You don't like television or movies that are quote unquote space problems. It's kind of become a joke. But it's also true.

And I've referenced it in regulation and fuckface and probably even here and so all right. And with our friend groups, space problems has become a thing now. Here's a platform for you to explain what space problems are to you. What is it you don't like

about space problems and what are space problems? Space problems are anything that's like too much in the future, things are different. The thing that would always get me is they're like, oh, my God, we have to get this orb. And it's somehow they want it because they can do something bad. And we're going to spend a whole movie looking for this orb. And then all of a sudden, in five minutes, we like, oh, I came up, I came up with this thing. And now we have that orb and it's done.

You just described 17 Marvel movies Exactly Exactly And I think that I I also It's one of the I don't yuck

Anybody's yum Like I don't care You can enjoy them All you want You can get all the Anybody can get all the tattoos They want of it They can be

I love to see people's fandom of stuff Like I love when we go to cons And people be dressed up I have no idea What they're dressed up as But I love that they're doing that But I'm good You know

And so yeah That's like that kind of stuff that's unrealistic. But that's also why I don't really like to read fiction. I don't like things that feel unrealistic. And I know that that is a thing that a lot of people love are things that are not realistic. Right. People want to get an escape from everyday reality. But like the breakdown in our lives or like in our relationship is my favorite show on television right now is Alien Earth.

Yeah. Every time I hang out with Meg or Gavin or Vanessa or Vanessa or Bernie or who. whoever, all we do is talk about, the first thing we do is talk about Alien Earth, and then I feel bad because I realize you're left out of the conversation because you don't watch it. But you, that's a daytime show

that I watch when you're not around. Because when we're together, we watch Housewives and reality. We got other stuff we watch. We have stuff we watch together. But there's like, there are these clear, defined lines in our relationship around space problems

that I'm totally happy with. And I love, I just think it's kind of funny. and I like that the definition of space problems is fluid. Yeah, it's just stuff right. Like, you kind of, you know it. I know it when I see it, where I'm like, I'm good. And like I said, it's all, I don't, I would never be like, we can't watch that. Like, if it's something where you're like, we went and saw that Thor movie and it was delightful, but it was the same sort of like.

Why did we go see that Thor movie? I don't know. I heard it was funny or something. I don't know. It's probably nothing else out. Yeah. And it was fine, and I didn't get, like, half of the things, but I was also far. I was still eating popcorn and having a good time and laughing at stuff.

Yeah. But, yeah. If there's a cape, if there's a mask, if there's a dragon or wings or a staff, or a jet propulsion system that hasn't been invented yet. Like we were talking with, we're talking about space problems with Meg the other day, and she was, and she was like, well, but you liked Game of Thrones. And it's like, yeah, I did because a lot of it was, which it took a while for me to get into it. There had to be a couple seasons of it already out and then I got into it and it hooked me, whatever. But when it was brand storyline, tuned out, didn't care. Like, I'm going to not pay attention because I don't know something about his eyes roll the back of his head and then it's something weird, whatever.

But there are like certain things that I'm okay with, like, you know, where they're like, oh, well, this lady. Also, I probably didn't understand half of the shit, but whatever. But there are certain things, like, in return to Oz, that's enough fantasy. That's not, to me, that's not space problem. Yeah. That's, but still stuff where you're like, oh, okay, that lady takes her head off and switches it out for this other head. Or, like, there's a little talking robot.

But that's fine. You're like, like, Wicked isn't space problems. No. Even though they fly on a broom where Harry Potter would be. I think it's not, I mean, I also, you and I both suffer from this thing of if too many people like it. Yeah. I'm good.

That's an affliction that we both have for sure. I think it gets built up too much. I think that's how I felt with Lord of the Rings. Everyone's like, and then I watched it and I was like, okay. But I also didn't read the books and I, that's okay. Other people's unbridled enthusiasm is such a turnoff. Yeah.

At times, it really can be. It's weird because it's polarizing. Like sometimes you immediately get into it and you love us, right? Like Labibu's. Like you and both of us, for that matter, had a blast in that moment. Yeah, it's a thrill of the hunt. The thrill of the hunt, but also,

but just like jumping on and being a part of it. Yeah. But it could have very easily gone the other way and we could have been on the other side going. Those are a little, it's like it's stupid. It's just, it's just the dumb beanie babies all over again. Yeah. And we are that way about a lot of stuff.

Right. We can be like, I'm good. I don't want that. But I'm not going to be like, that person's a bad person. That person's stupid. That person's whatever. I'd be like, oh, it's just not for me.

It's the beauty of the complexity of the hypocrisy of, humans. I love it. Yeah. You know what space problems are to me? What? Downton Abbey. No. Space problems to me, my space problems, we've never really talked about it. My space problems are period pieces. You, that's true.

I do not like it. It's not Downton Abbey specific. It's a good show and I've watched it. It's period pieces. It's Gilded Age. It's those like that dense. But it's so funny because you were like, why don't you watch in these Brit Box or Acorn shows? You know why I watch those shows? Because they all take place in modern times. That's true. Like, I'm, I, if you have to be, if you have to hire a historian to figure out what clothes to wear, it's probably not going to be for me.

But maybe that's where I like, it's like historical fiction. Yeah. Because I mean, at the crown, I learned so much more about the British monarchy and even just shit going on over there that I love. Listen, if you're going to compare, and I readily admit that if you're going to compare like the, the merits of watching and what you get out of alienated. in earth versus the crown. I mean, one is rooted in reality and is telling a story and is going to enrich your understanding of our actual world. And one is a fantasy escape. There's more value in watching the crown. I think it's just... I think they're both absolutely valuable. I think that

they're... And the thing of where it's like, you know, we love during the week or a lot of times we want... I mean, we got Salt Lake City Housewives. We got... I've got our Housewives all our reality shows it's because it's the carcass that comes home from work who's been talking and interacting and having to think and follow, think about what am I doing with my hands right now? How much is on that timer? What did she say? Well, let me try to remember what her husband does and how old are her kids again? And what is that lady talking about across the room to that person? Who just called on the phone? That person wants to watch rich ladies fight for six episodes about one misunderstood comment.

Yeah. And that and while they're all wearing costumes. Well, they're all wearing costumes or where it's all something where you get like, yeah, none of it matters. And so I have that of where that's my junk food

because I don't have to think. And so I think that that could be part of it too is like the watching the space problems, I have to pay attention because if I'm watching Downabby or whatever, I'm paying attention and stuff, but I can assume nothing's going to blow up right now, you know.

Right. The stakes aren't quite the same. It's more quiet, too. I think it's just the quietness of it and the gentle, you know. Yeah, it's almost like TV ASMR or something kind of in a sense. And I get to be like, oh, pretty dressing. Look at it. Yeah, no, that's for sure. And I never really thought about it until this conversation. Look at us. That's my version of space problems as period pieces. It really is, because we share almost all of our shows.

But, yeah, those are the ones that I know that you're like, all right, I'm out. Yeah, have a good time. That or the pit? You didn't like the... I can't... I don't like medical shows in general. I don't like... I spent...

Most... Everybody did. Spent a lot of time at hospitals growing up, you know? Visiting family members or like my dad was diabetes and stuff and I know you've had stuff in your family as well.

And I just like, I don't like hospitals. Yeah. I don't like them as narratively. I don't... I'm not scared to go to one if I'm sick or anything, but I don't like gross stuff. And the first off, the pit is fucking gross.

It is just like Fountains of Blood in the first four minutes every episode but also it's just like the stress and the pressure and it's just depressing and then you just are reminded

at how sad stuff is and like one fucking kid takes one pill and his life is over and it's five episodes of just watching the parents go through fucking agony. Horrible.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean and that's one that like I don't like Grey's Anatomy but I like that show because it is more... I mean, that's one that a lot of doctors have said, like, that's the most accurate to how it is.

And that and then also, you're not as big, but you are more tolerant and more willing to learn murder documentaries. I like that I can educate you on certain things and get your take on stuff. I think one area where we really align

is reality. Yeah, for sure. I love the real world and I love reality TV, even though I understand that reality TV bear as little semblance to reality. I understand it is produced.

I've been in the industry for a very long time. I get these emails, these well-meaning emails from time and time people like, well, technically, Jeff, the shows are, there's a showrunner and a producer and there's line producers and they're scripted. It's very loosely script. And I understand all that.

But it's still so, the illusion of reality is so great that it works on me, whether it's below deck or housewives or survivor or whatever, traders, whatever it is we're watching. And I just would rather watch real people I just would rather watch real people than narratives. Yeah.

Even though I like Alien Earth, even though I do like space problems and other shows, I would say 90 times, I would say nine times out of 10, I would much rather watch a reality show with you. There's a little bit more of an element of surprise there. Because people are, it's very predictable, but it can also be really unpredictable. Yeah. In the certain ways. And it's also, again, it's junk food.

It's, you know, it's fine. It's not that deep, you know. Which is a great way to describe you and I. Not that deep. Not that deep. I love chain restaurants. Chain stores. I don't care.

I don't care. I'm not cool anymore. We had Costco for dinner. You had a cheese pizza. You had a slice of cheese pizza. I had a slice of pepperoni. We talked about getting a chunk of chocolate chip cookie. Chalka chunky cookie.

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just shooting the shit with you a little bit. Like I said, I had no agenda. you asked me a couple times what we were going to talk about and I didn't know I couldn't tell you because I didn't really I even pulled up some lists

of like conversation starters and different questions and I looked at it and I thought about like an angle or a bit to take this and at the end of the day I just really wanted to talk to somebody instead of just talk to myself

for so I really appreciate the time I really appreciate you spending your evening I mean you were stuck spending your evening with me either way but you I made you work a little bit and I apologize because it's got to be close to

10 p.m. It's just fun to be able to yap with you. It is nice to be able to hang out with you. And we get to, our reward is we get to watch the season premiere of season six, I believe. Something. Season six of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Yeah. Begins tonight.

Yeah. I'm excited. Cannot wait. We've been in a bit of a reality TV slump. That's what I've been watching Downton Abbey. Yeah, you've been hitting Downton Abbey so fucking hard. I've watched almost all six seasons. two weeks.

Who's your favorite character in that show? Is it Maggie Smith? I think so, yeah. I really do. They're having the auction. I keep getting ads for like, they know I'm watching

Downton Abbey, so there's a, they're auctioned off a couple of their pieces and there's a lot of the dresses and stuff, but the thing that I was the most, like, that would have been so cool

is Maggie Smith's Kane. Oh, wow. But it's like $15,000. God, it's so... But yeah, she's great. I see why everybody loved... I mean, I loved her already from Secret Garden,

but I see why Like, it's just such a beloved character. She's really good in that other favorite movie is Harry Potter as well. She is, that's, you know, when you said what I'd be willing to watch, I was like, well, Maggie Smith's in it. I was thinking, I was like, I'll watch it for that. I don't know.

I'm not feeling like, I'm not feeling like Harry Potterish in 2025, unfortunately. That's true. I mean, again, that sucks too, where it's like, I just feel like, eh. I'm, now I don't want to be part of that, you know? That's rough. If you just don't become part, I mean, I'm sure everything's problematic, but I'm sure everyone's,

going to be like, do you know Marshalls is a terrible company? Yes, I do. I know. Okay. Everything sucks. Everything in America sucks. I'm a liberal snowflake. No, you're not a liberal snowflake. You're a liberal unique snowflake. There's no one else out there like you. You know what's crazy to me about you? I was going to get into this a little bit. Another one of my favorite things about you. I tried to wrap up this podcast a second ago, but here we're diving back in. No, I just don't want to stop talking to you. Not that I have to do, because as soon as we hit stop, we'll just continue to talk. I do live together. I love, you are, I tell people this every chance I get. You're top three funniest people I've ever met in my life. I don't know how to

rank it. I don't know how I would rank it, but no, you are genuinely one of the funniest people I've ever met. And I think that if, and I've said this before, I think I said this to you in the last interview I did with you, probably. But I think that if you had had different inclinations growing up, you could have very easily moved to Hollywood and become a comedy writer if you'd wanted to instead of trying to go to college in Orange County.

What's interesting about how I mean, people are funnier or they're not, but what's interesting about how your comedy manifests is you essentially do a stand-up routine every week. Is it about every week? Would you say you refresh the lineup? How often we have something go on in our life. Because you, you, how many people do you service in a day?

Anywhere from 8 to 10? 8 to 10. And that's, uh, cut, color, ballyage, whatever you do. Uh, and so that appointment can last as briefly as 45 minutes. Anywhere from 45 minutes to three and a half hours? Three and a half hours is a long time to talk to somebody. Well, some of it's processing, but in, like I said, all my clients, I've had them forever. So it really is just, talking to friends. Yeah. I know everything about me

and I know everything about them. But you have a routine that you'll develop and you love going on vacations. We don't talk about this, but I just, I have observed that you love going on vacations because when you come home,

you have 25 new minutes of material every time. And you've always, I always catch you in your little bits. And then you do them over and over again because you have to have this 45 minute or hour long conversation with somebody that you saw eight weeks ago. And then as soon as they're out of the chair,

you've got another person that comes in. And so you have to have, that same conversation with them over again and you're just like it's the exact same thing as going up to the mic every night and doing you know refining your routine and then at some point before they come back through again you've reworked your routine and work new material in and I don't think you approach it like a comedian I don't know the intentionally or like consciously but it really is the exact same I think structure as if you were just going up and doing stand up every night storytelling about something that has happened in my life but yeah you got to make a

good or else it's born or else I get bored. You are very good at making it good. Well, sometimes it's dunking on you, so I'm sorry. I know a lot of it is dunking on me. I know there was the whole cancer thing, dunking on me. There was the thing where the short bit of it is my brother died of cancer. Yes. I watched him die in a hospital of cancer.

Yes. And you came home and you fucking said, well, I have cancer I did you had a fucking mole you had you had a basal you didn't have melanoma you had basal cell carcinoma

no but the way that you stood there and looked down and basically bit your bottom lip and went I have cancer how am I gonna tell Millie and I'm like just tell you're gonna fucking moor removed or don't it's not a big deal

it's not in your bloodstream it's not spreading We're not going to talk about your lungs shutting down. I know. So it was just that like, and then you were just, I would catch you every now and then you just looking so forlorn. But like, I didn't, I didn't think I'd have cancer. I didn't think this, it happened so fast.

It was a real bummer. I know, but it was so like, you, stop. It was so, you know, again, I love you and I, I'm also the one that told you about the mole on top of your head. If it weren't for you, who knows where I'd be right now. It would have been like, ugh, this thing on top of your head looks gross. If it weren't for you, it might already be too late. That's true. It might have spread to your brain.

You also thought you had brain cancer and why you got your mole checked out is because Teddy Mellencamp from Beverly Hills Housewives got skin cancer that spread their brain. And you thought that you were going to have brain cancer. No, I have, that is true. But the reason I thought that is because I have, I think it's genetic. but I have hypochondria and I fight it

everybody in my family has it they'd be mad at me if they heard me say it but all up and down upsies downsies above me

below me are all hypochondriacs and I am not immune and I fight hypochondria constantly and where it manifests and where it fucks with me

is when we go on vacations the first day of the vacation I get I find and get convinced that there's a root canal or a mole or a hernia or you didn't tank of myelize or something. And day one of our vacation, I read about two on the Turkey Greece trip.

You read about Teddy. I read about Teddy Mellon camp on day one. And then for the next 12 days, I was just touching my mole and convinced I was dying. Yeah. And I fought it so hard. And I tried not to talk about it because I knew. know how annoying it is because I know. But then you're in a mood and then I'm like, what's wrong?

What's wrong? You hate me. You're not having a good time. I hate me. That's the problem. But I definitely, I, I, I, upsies downsies. I understand and I get it. And that's why I always am like, well, you should go to your doctor.

Go talk to your doctor. Or, you know, well, what do you, you know, we, we, I hear it out. Like I, I, I definitely let you have your moment of, you know, you're going to ring that bell once you get that cancer free. But eventually I had to go, okay, we're getting a stolen baller. Like, I'm not a podcast about how it's not a big deal just to get it checked out. That was after weeks, weeks of you still and be going, you're fine. And you are fine.

And you lived and you don't even have a scar. It just looks like someone put a cigarette out on top of your head. Oh. Oh. And one other thing I wanted to mention before we got on the subject of me is in the process of your routine that you do, you're essentially your salon standup routine. You have this ability. You don't know people necessarily by the name or face immediately. But if you see somebody's hair and you like put your hands in their hair, it's like you can reconnect with their entire lives. It's like it all comes flooding back and you instantly remember their kid's name. games, where they go to college, the car they were thinking about buying six months ago and they were on the fence about. And you can be like, oh, did you ever get that Rivian or whatever? And it's really impressive. And it's like, it's all that knowledge is locked into the connection between you and their hair, I feel like. Yeah, I just. Which makes sense because

that's the focal point. Well, yeah, or it's just like I, I, I, I, now with a lot of my clients, I remember them, but it's once I see them. And I'm like, oh, right, you. Oh, right. We cut, yeah, Okay, you know, like it just takes me a minute on some people. But anybody that I see regularly, it's the people that I'm like, oh, shit, I haven't seen anyone like a year. And maybe I only saw them once or twice before. But, no, I have the memory of an elephant, which you hate sometimes. Oh, my God, do I hate it? But then I also sometimes feel like, uh-oh, and don't remember that.

Uh-oh. Upsies downsies. Oh, God. I am aware of the hypochondri and I'm actively fighting it You're okay You're just you hit that deductible real quick It's been yeah

That's okay But that's we just investigate it I mean and you were right You knew that there was something wrong With the mole on top of your head And you got it taken care of I had to get a second opinion too Exactly that's why it is always good

to advocate for yourself It's always good to do what you can And to take care of yourself And there is something You should do an episode on it I don't know if you already have but there is a study about you get more emotional on flights.

It's something biologically. My client was telling me about it. Probably because I was saying that you were crying of being the baby on the flight. I was like, God, we were in these headwinds, and then Jeff got a real upset about stuff. I don't even remember that. It was when we were coming back from Turkey.

And the flight was so long, because we hit those headwinds, so it was like three hours longer. You were in a tough place. Yeah. It's because they added three hours to our fucking flight. But you were, you just got, I mean, everybody, I don't know if it's like you're, anyways. I hit my limit.

I was just exhausted. Yeah, that was a long trip. We were on our way home. We just wanted to be home. You still had so much ahead of you that you had to do right when we got home. That's true. I had to go, I was doing a 20-hour turnaround and leaving to go visit a million. But they're like legit sick.

But when I was saying something about it, I was just telling them like, oh, our flight home, you know, whatever. There is supposedly a study that humans, we. get more emotional on long flights. Interesting. It's something that it does to our brains. Interesting. I don't know. Maybe I made that up.

I didn't make it up, but I heard it. I believe you. Yeah. Stay tuned. Maybe you'll do an episode on in the future. Add it to the list of conversation starters. Maybe I'll dive into that shallow puddle at some point. Be like, oh, huh, I guess it's true.

Anyways. Bunk my head. You remember when you were a kid, they were always like, you could drown in a teaspoon of water. Well, they'd have the baby drowning on the side of a bucket drying. Did you think anybody ever drown? in a teaspoon of water. You think it's ever... You know how like a ladder?

They have all the warnings on the ladder because they have to because they've been sued so many times. Do you think anybody ever actually has drowned in that little... I mean, surely it must have happened. I bet if you got hit over the head and you passed out on a puddle.

Oh, that'd be so sad. And then you did that. I mean, people drown, basically drown on their own puke. That's true. It's true. Living that rock and roll lifestyle. Forever 27?

I don't know. The 27 Club. I almost did an episode on the 20... Maybe I did do an episode. episode on it. I think I did an episode on the 49 club is what I was going to do or the 48 club. A 49ers. Because a bunch of people died at that age too. And I was at that age. But I lived. You did it. Despite what that basil cell carcinoma tried to do to you. Despite basil cell's best efforts. Oh, Christ, baby. Well, let's go watch the Real Housewives of Salt Lake

City together. Let's go watch Mary Cosby, be Mary Cosby. Let's go decide if we're going to like Heather and Whitney this year or not, let me go instantly, instantly get annoyed with Meredith. Yeah. Instantly. Yeah. Get annoyed with Meredith. And Lisa Barlow. I was blocking out Lisa Barlow.

What do you mean? How could you? All right. Well, thank you, Emily. Thanks for this little check-in. I had a lovely time having a conversation with you and hanging out. You made this task, not a task at all, but fun. join you and hang out with you and hang out with you on one of your streams when you stream in the mornings on your Twitch channel. Oh, please do. You're always welcome to come in and hang out. You always leave. Your audience is always welcome to come and watch you every morning.

At twitch.tv slash fake Jeff. Thank you so much for doing that. Thank you. And also, if you get a chance, listen to the Clutch My Pearls podcast starring among others, my wife Emily Hatfield, which is available anywhere and everywhere podcasts are available. I assume you're familiar with the podcast landscape and architecture because you're listening to this one and you had to get here somehow. Thank you again, Emily. I love you. I can't wait to go watch TV with you.

The podcast is over for everybody else, but for us, it continues in the other room. I love you. I love you. Bye. Oh, all right. Is that how you end it?

I have to end it. I start it with so and then I end it with all right. Did you not know that? I guess I'd never know. the way you ended it. Yeah, I would say so. Or maybe it's like you. All right.

I wonder if I turn it off whenever you're like, well, I can subscribe. And I'm like, yeah, the music comes on and you probably turn off. Yeah,

because it fades out. So? Or you've never listened. I do. But I listen to it sped up because that's how you and I talk is. That is your biggest grudence.

You're like, every time you're like, why do you talk so fucking slow on your podcast? I got to stretch it out. I got eight minutes of podcast. I got to make it last like 22 minutes. So I clicked on this thing.

And you're the only person on Earth who clocked that, by the way. But now everybody knows it. No, but you're the best. It's also, again, the way we talk to each other is so much faster. Oh, slightly faster. Lovingly. Oh, my gosh. All right.

Thank you. I love you. All right. All right. All right. I got to say, all right, last. Got to be the last thing. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. This is the end of the show. La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-la-da-da-da-da.