Table Read - 12 Steps of Christmas - Act 3

Episode Date: December 24, 2023

12 STEPS OF CHRISTMAS — a filthy Christmas comedy. When a rebellious kid is denied his dream Christmas present by his mom, he goes to his estranged alcoholic father (who lies about being sober) with an idea: adapt the 12-step program to teach me how to not be you. Act 3 - Jake runs to the embodiment of Christmas perfection: Grandma. Ashley confronts Carl about spending time with their now-missing son as they combine to search for him. Climactic confrontations will see: Jake deciding between his idealized Grandma or his fucked-up normal life; P.O. Jordan deciding between judgment or redemption for Carl; and Carl deciding between saving himself or—if he’s finally able—putting his family first. Pitch – When 13-year-old Jake’s fed-up mother tells him he won’t get the cell phone he absolutely NEEDS this Christmas, he goes to the only other person who ever pissed her off as much as he seems to: his estranged alcoholic father, Carl. Jake’s plea: adapt the 12 Step program to teach me how to not be you. Will Jake find out that Carl’s sobriety is secretly a bunch of humbug?Can this fuck-up father teach this fuck-up son how to be less of a fuck-up—all in time for Christmas? Join two of the least qualified people in the world as they stumble into lessons of empathy and personal responsibility—and believing in the motherfuckin’ spirit of Christmas. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

All right, whenever you're ready. Act three. Log line, 12, log line. Log. Who wrote this? Log line, 12 steps of Christmas, a filthy Christmas comedy. When a rebellious kid is denied his dream Christmas present by his mom, he goes to his estranged alcoholic father,

who lies about being sober, with an idea. Adapt the 12-step program to teach me how not to be you. Have you been drinking along at home? That's not just your liquor talking. Act two hit a little harder and left us all in our whiskey fields. Ending with Jake bolting from his mom's apartment into the night. Will Ashley find him? Can they reconcile after such a big fight? What about Carl? He and Jake had their own falling out.

Carl also needs to win over Mr. Humbug himself, his dour P.O. River Jordan. And what about me? Well, my eyes freeze in time for my next drink. Stay tuned. Just slow down, you see.

Bug, drink up. I mean, what are you, a woman? Statistically, yes. You, you, you podcast listener, you. I think that's super, personally. I love women. The wrong ones love me, though. Or at least they love my money. Or maybe my looks.

Inherited both from a vindictive mother. For what? Lost them both. To increasingly younger versions of her. No less. But look at me now! A face on the radio baby anyhow enjoy act three as jake and carl try to give ashley one nice day i need some ice fucking ice more fucking cold water, more like. Exterior town streets.

City bus stop night. Jake waits with others. It's scary for a kid. Christmas is bursting all around, but the mood is not cheery. Even the warm expressions are tired and worn down. Interior re-dep apartment living room night. Ashley's alarm goes off, and she is just waking up when she is attacked by... Horror.

Assaulted by the sight of Jake's reconstructed ceramic Santa statue. Santa's face is disturbing. Off-kilter, ungodly, and wrong. Still, Jake tried his best. Ashley screams, then regains herself. Oh my god, Jake. You've fixed it. It's... Thank you so much. This is such a great present. It's... Thank you so much. This is such a great present. Jake? You hear me? The whole place. Really, it's amazing. We see in full glory. The apartment is bedecked with every Christmas decoration possible. Jake decorated like an 11-year-old boy might. Poorly, but with unrestrained enthusiasm. You really put out all the decorations.

I mean all. Is that a menorah? I didn't even know we had one of those. Jake, where are you? She sees his coat is gone. Carl is passed out on the couch. A handle of Seagram is passed out on the couch. A handle of Seagram 7 whiskey stands on the table littered with the empty cans of the Delaware pork chowder he's been eating cold.

His cell rings, startling him. Jesus, it's his birthday. What the hell? He answers, sits up straight like it'll help hide his state. Ashley, Merry Christmas. Wait, are you sure? We had a big fight. I only napped a few minutes, but when I got up, he's not here. Carl knows his role in this and hates himself.

He lied to me. A cop had to bring him home. I know, and it's my fault. What are you talking about? I was there. Jake's been coming by. We've been hanging out together. What? Did you forget what it felt like to fuck with your family? I'm coming over. No, I'm coming right now. Carl hangs up and looks around.

The apartment is clean, except for evidence of recent reckless shut-in drinking. Carl throws an empty two-liter across the room. Exterior, town streets, night. Carl battles the beginning of a snowstorm, navigates ice and slush as wind blasts his face. He wraps his green jacket tight as we realize this might be the only coat he owns. Carl dips into an alley and drinks from his handle of whiskey.

He sees a homeless woman looking at him from her tent. You drink? She nods. Carl's give her the rest of... One more. I dare you. She nods. Carl gives her the rest of his bottle.

Merry Christmas. Help me! I need as good tequila. She nods. Carl gives her the rest of his bottle. Merry Christmas. Carl smiles. Exterior, read apartment night. Carl collects himself. Knock knocks. Ashley answers and he takes off his hat, hair matted in some places, sticking up in others. A few beats without words.

Ashley steps aside to let him in. Interior, city bus, moving, night. Jake looks at his phone to distract himself from troubling stuff in the seats around him until it suddenly shuts off. You were just fucking fool. He desperately tries to turn it on. It works and he exhales before it inexplicably dies again like old phones would do. The bus comes to a stop and everybody begins to get off. Jake is confused. Over the PA, the disinterested bus driver says something unintelligible except for the word transfer. Exterior city bus stop night. Everyone but Jake hurries off into the cold. Jake is left alone looking at a huge map of bus routes. It's impossible to figure out and the wind is brutal.

The only person around is a one-legged drunk in a wheelchair. You okay? Yeah, I just... Do you know your transfer brother? Hmm. Do you need to call somebody? The drunk offers his phone. Jake takes it, relieved. Do you need to call somebody? The drunk offers his phone. Jake takes it, relieved.

I don't know the number. Do you have Facebook Messenger? Or really, I just need Facebook to call. Facebook? You can put it on there. But no, I don't exactly keep in touch with the family. My Christmas letter would be a real bummer. He smiles and drinks liquor from a brown paper bag.

Jake realizes the man's situation in life. What about you? What are you going to do? He gives Jake a small cheers before he takes another swing. Make your call. Call home. Jake nods as the drunk wraps his jacket tighter. Interior, read apartment, living room, night. Ashley paces in front of Carl. He wanted help being a better person. Why would he pick you, of all people?

I'm his dad. You thought you could make up for 11 years of shitty parenting in one week? Maybe I did, yeah. I lied to him. I told him you cleaned up so he didn't think his father was... How have you been, anyway? Well, that lie you told about me being okay, that'd be a big one. They see the snowstorm picking up out the window. Cell phone advertisement for MePhone 13 GD. Same style as the ad from earlier. Park. Day. A group of sparkly teens pose for an epic pic. Unseen by them, a nearby landscaper pushes his lawnmower their way. Through phone cam, steadies on the teens, snaps a pic. The image. It's ruined by this landscaper who came into frame, looking so tired and overworked and sweaty. Yuck! Life can get in the

way of your real story. The image. boom, the landscaper disappears in an instant. Now you can crop out the noise. Family room day, and above it, Mom and her unexceptional family pose for a pic. Mom is pissed at her crying newborn. Through phone cam, Steddy's on the family, snaps a pic The image, it's ruined by this crying newborn Show friends your true self The image, boom, mom's frown is replaced with a smile

Boom, the crying newborn is replaced with a thriving houseplant The MePhone 13GD. It's worth it if you are. Pull out and see the ad is playing on... Interior, Grandma's house, kitchen, night. A laptop in front of Jake. He's on the MePhone website customizing a phone to order. Grandma is by the front door checking her appearance in the mirror as she

waits for someone. Grandma's house looks exactly as her card promised. So inviting, seemingly perfect, and in total contrast to the spaces Jake spends with Ashley or Carl. Did my credit card work okay? Did you order what you wanted? On the screen, the cursor hovers over purchase. It feels like a significant move. And he doesn't click it yet. He lies. Yeah, it totally did. Thanks again.

See? Things don't always have to be so hard. Honestly, some people just make it that way. Grandma answers the doorbell. Greets Kathy, smug, pious 55. Well, that was fast. Not much traffic tonight. Of course.

Thank you so, so much. Especially on Christmas Eve. I am happy to help. It is my duty to serve, especially at Christmas. Grandma and Kathy approach Jake. This is my friend Kathy. We belong to the same congregation. Okay.

Hi. Why don't we sit? Jake is flanked on either side as they sit. I've been worried about you. Actually, I've been telling Kathy about your situation for a few months now. With everything that happened tonight, I thought she should come over.

My job is to help families when they need it. Remember all the times you told me about your mom never being there or how she's always snapping at you. I mean, like, really angry. Almost like she's always snapping at you. I mean, like, really angry. Almost like she's unstable.

Jake remembers. You don't realize it, but that's not okay. It's scary, honestly. What would you think about living here for a while? Interior, Ford Fiesta hatchback, moving, night. Ashley drives aggressively even as the storms pick up. The only way to have a nice day with me is with some grand production? No, I'm just saying that was his plan. It wasn't about the phone.

Text him again. I really thought I could host a simple family Christmas. We should have done it at my mom's. She's better than you. Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. Because according to you, she's perfect, right? By definition, there's no beating that. And you, we know, are definitely not perfect.

That's all shit. I hate watching her make you crumble. I don't crumble. Isn't this the same perfect woman who needed me to pick up her irritable bowel slash constipation slash colon slash something else gross medication from Eckhart? All I know for a fact is that that woman is full of shit. Except when she isn't and then she just poops too much. See, the point is there's no pleasing that lady. Next time you feel inferior, just remember her bowel meds.

She takes a cocktail of those things like she's Magic Johnson. All I know is crazy bullshit like this doesn't happen with other moms. Only me, man. Carl is struck by something. Jolts up in a seat. That's exactly what Jake said. At AA. Same words, even.

Trash about other moms and crazy bullshit only happening with you. You took Jake to AA? Carl stays with his big Eureka moment. I think he's at your mom's. I told you, she's the first one I called. He bought into this negative shit about you, and he's for sure all in on your flawless grandma theory. I know that kid pretty well, Ash. Ashley considers. Interior, grandma's house,

living room, night. Jake sits with Kathy, adolescent Jesus awkwardly looking down. If you work for the city, that's the government. So you can make my mom do whatever you say? Flush. Grandma exits the bathroom drying her hands. Sorry for the long wait. I had to adjust my makeup. Ben, would you believe it? I got an eyelash in my eye. Twice.

Anyhoo, how's it going? Well, Jake wants to know if I could force protective custody. Well, given the circumstances, yes. Hopefully it won't come to that. We can all just agree on a plan. Doors fly open as Carl and Ashley fall in from the storm. Grandma jumps back, then moves in front of Jake protectively. What are you doing here?

Ashley sees Jake. She rushes over and forces a hug. Why would you lie to me? I didn't. When you called, I didn't know where he was. He didn't either. Just that he was somewhere stranded alone at a bus station. In single-digit wind chill. What? Are you alright? Jake shoos away her mothering. Then, when I heard everything else that was going on... Going on with what? Who are you? I'm just here to ensure health and safety and to make sure everyone understands their options per county rule. You've really called CPS on me. What if we just agreed that Jake stays here a lot? Hell no, he's not staying here.

You think I'm that bad of a mother? The things I hear sound bleak. Did you know about all this? Is this what you want? I don't know. Carl sees Jake torn apart and Ashley crushed by judgment. Is this what you want? I don't know. Carl sees Jake torn apart and Ashley crushed by judgment. You're picturing something way worse.

You're the reason why she's here. Did you figure that out yet? The state considers Carl a threat. That's why we can have a conversation about removal. Really, the lack of supervision to not know Jake was in such danger? Ashley hands Carl her keys. Just leave. Carl wants to act, but he's neutered.

Leaves totally debased. Exterior, Grandma's house, night. Carl stands in the cold, a broken man. He watches through the front window. It's agony seeing Jake and Ashley so distraught. Fuck you, Carl. He grips the keys tight and heads towards the car. Interior grandma's house, living room night.

Ashley and grandma wait for Jake's answer to something. What do you think about all of this, Jake? I know it's a lot. Do you know what you want to do? Jake makes his choice it's a lot. Do you know what you want to do? Jake makes his choice and moves to Grandma. Just as a voice from behind. No fucking way this happens. Not because of me. Will you just

leave us alone? There's nothing you can do. Humbug. Carl grabs Drake. A new character, Drake. Yes. Carl grabs Jake and drags him out like a hostage. Hey, let me go. Stop. Exterior grandma's house night.

Carl forces Jake toward the car. Get in there. Jake relents and gets in the passenger seat. Interior Ford Fiesta hatchback moving. Night. Carl speeds away panicked, checking his mirrors and misjudging the road. The storm is eased, but roads are slick. What the hell are you doing?

If I gotta kidnap you to talk, then fucking fine. Carl jumps the curb on a turn. Jake holds on tight. When was the last time you drove a car? Scared? Good. You should be a little scared of your dad, especially when you're being such a dumb punk. You can't scare me into liking Mom. Do you know how much she loves you? Do you have any goddamn idea? She loves you so much, she puts up with you. Whatever. I hate her.

And I love you enough to take your ass out. You did not just say you hate your mother. You hear me? Carl takes his focus off driving and they run off the road. Over yards plowing Christmas displays, they scream in terror. Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my gosh! Stop the car! Why are you still driving?

Oh my god! Oh my gosh! I'm trying to concentrate! Stop the car! No, no, no! Watch the mailbox! Carl turns the wheel and guns it. Crashing decorations blind them as sudden traction sends them speeding back to the road. The windshield clears just in time to see the stocky man, winter coat and hat, who... Thump!

They run over. They slide to a stop. They're silent a beat until... Oh my god. Oh my god. Carl gets out and sprints over to the man. Exterior town streets night. Jake arrives to see Carl on his knees over

what remains of the snowman they just killed. Carl holds a carrot and top hat. I really thought I killed a guy. Carl takes a moment, still kneeling. I would have helped you bury the body, if that helps.

Look at me. On my knees, mourning this snowman. This judgmental kid staring at me. Reveal. A fatherless snow family stands in judgment. Jesus, I even tear apart figurative families. That caseworker bitch is right. I am a threat. No, you're not. They just don't know the whole story. This really strikes Carl.

You think it'd matter? Yeah, of course. They'd see the real you. I was never in danger. Carl jumps to his feet with a plan. Interior, Fort Fiesta hatchback moving. Night. Carl speeds a man on a mission. My PO is the one who decides if I'm a threat. I just need him to change his mind

about me. What about what I want? If I can get him out tonight, hopefully that won't matter. Do you even know where he is? Home with his family, wherever that is, and he blocks his number. Home with his family, wherever that is, and he blocks his number. What are you going to do? I can't call him, but I might be able to call everybody. The fiesta fishtails as Carl flies through an intersection. Interior Carl's apartment, living room night. Carl sits at his computer, hunting for a program,s it. Oh, it's been too long,

my baby. With this right here, I could run any scam I wanted, any way I wanted. Jake watches Carl navigate with skill and familiarity. Carl loads files from various scams. You aren't lying. These look

super fucked up. I only rip off the deserving. This time they'll all be from our little town. Carl opens a map feature. He narrows the range and zooms in on just their town. You said if you don't spread them out, you get caught. Exactly. I need to get his attention. Jake realizes what Carl is willing to do for him. This is crazy. There's no way this ends okay for you. I also need him to call me.

The chance to bust me on all this? I imagine he'd want a word. Carl pulls up a master list of scams. The cursor hovers over the send button for the top one. He clicks it. You mean all of them? Carl moves down the list, clicking send on scam after scam. Jake reads the final one. Ivory dealer? Carl hits play. Behind the scam message, the sound of a piano. Ever fantasize about being an ivory dealer? Carl is lost remembering the message as he hears it. So many of us do. Everyone loves

cool white ivory, but no one wants the hassle of acquiring it. Series of scenes, calls spread across town on Christmas Eve. In each, someone on a phone reacts to hearing the scam. In an upper-class home, multi-generational family enjoys a Christmas pheasant feast. Thanks to an exclusive relationship with friends in the Congolese government and the people of the South Kivu province, an elderly couple lovingly sit next to each other and watch a black and white Christmas movie in the dark. You have an invitation only high yield investment opportunity in the lucrative ivory market. A Lyft driver watches in his rear view as the two dissimilar passengers on their cells react in opposite ways to the scam. Just listen. Nothing like bonafide ivory piano

keys. And did you know you can use ivory for pool balls, knick-knacks, or as a substitute for white plastic? Mr. Bucket listens to the message in bed. Act now and get a free boat! Baby, we finally got a boat! Mrs. Bucket ignores him from the other side of the room,

continues salacious webcam flirting with strange man. A thing like that a free boat interior ford fiesta hatch the toho fjord interior ford fiesta hutchback notre dame slipped in there somewhere interior ford Fiesta hatchback. Moving night. Jake looks out the window while Carl drives. The storm left a blanket of fresh snow. It's a beautiful Christmas night.

Horrible screeching tones repeat from Carl's cell on the dash. Ford Fiesta hatchback? Hey, wait a minute, that's me! I'm an Amber Alert. Yep, you've been napped, kid. Yay, I get to deal with the cops. Just like last time. Last time, yeah.

We gotta talk about the park. It's okay. No, it really isn't. Jake responds by reading from the notebook. Step 10. Promise to stay disciplined and call out all bullshit. Matter not size, stench, texture, nor viscosity. I figure that only works if you can forgive somebody.

You got it. Then the idea is to keep it going. That's the only step about the future. Next one, too. Promise to rely on your higher elf during your countless and stupendous future fuck-ups. Jake falls silent. It's just a promise to use me whenever you need anything. Jake looks out the window, still not committing. It's okay if you don't want to I do I do want to but this one's sort of a two-way street huh yeah you gotta have an elf who's there holding up his

side of things all I can do is promise and I hope you ignore any common sense telling you not to trust that. Jake considers, then crosses off steps 10 and 11. Out the window, he sees a shocked family in church clothes, checking their Amber Alerts and staring. Jake waves. Shit, get down! Carl shoves Jake's head down out of view.

He speeds away. Series of scenes. Calls spread across town on Christmas Eve. In each, someone on a phone reacts to hearing the scam. A young man sits alone with his dog on Zoom with family. Windowless sweatshops. Like noise-canceling headphones for the rest of you. Keep out the world and keep your mind on your work.

In a nice kitchen full of pie, cookies, and whatever a Yule log is, a perfect family has a huge fight over a board game. Bet against window producers in select East Asian markets while investing big in local concrete contractors. Team manager Mark watches his hot piece mother talk on the phone. She's absolutely glowing. He's suspicious and totally grossed out. Act now and get a free boat. Why are you glowing? Gross. What? Oh, I think we just won a boat.

Interior Ford Fiesta hatchback moving night. Carl jumps when his cell phone lights up. Is it him? Jake checks and shakes his head. Reads. Climate change? What climate change? Seasonal work as a climate change denier is a great way to earn loads of easy cash now. Oh, and I get a free boat. Series of scenes, calls spreading across the town on Christmas Eve.

In each, someone on a phone reacts to hearing the scam. Angel and multiple generations of his family cook, eat, and drink. His niece Maria is lost in the fun with other kids. Hello. Always dreamt of selling nuclear secrets, but never found the time. Now you can do it right from home. Neighbors Mary and Chris get back from church. The girls kick off their shoes that match this year's Christmas dresses.

Foreign adversary? Let us deal with the legalese. Just answer this. Can I sell you a secret? Barfly Mike watches TV on his couch with beer cans all around him, brunker than when he challenged Carl at the bar. Act now and get a free boat. His son is there, Chad, who we normally see bullying Jake. You want another beer? There's a bunch still in the drawer. Shut up, still, but it's something about a boat. Chad was hoping to connect, but his dad is too drunk again. Interior Jordan's house living room day. Jordan sits, miserable while his too-cheery family is being exceedingly Christmassy.

A few sing carols around the piano. Come, join us, Uncle Jordy. Before he can say no, ding! Everyone begins to get texts. Hey, should I invest in black market antiquities? I just got a text. Jordan's eyes narrow. He recognizes the sound of this. Oh, I got one for war profiteering.

What's your say? Invest in human trafficking. Where life is a highway? Jordan's on high alert. His cell rings and he quickly answers. Do you like puppies? And who doesn't love a good mill? Make your dream a reality

and become a player in today's puppy mill industry. Jordan jumps up and straps on his P.O. badge, commanding the attention of the room. He's ready to kick ass. His adorable five-year-old nephew is in awe. Interior, Ford Fiesta hatchback moving night. The cell rings and Carl sees blocked number. I think I know this blocked number. Holly jolly Christmas,

this is Carl. Who may I say is calling? Intercut with interior Jordan's old Volvo, moving night. Jordan's car, lush car seat and steering wheel cover, CD holder on visor, convex blind spot mirrors, tinted windshield, console armrests with storage, cup holder, and phone mounted. Do you know what kind of shit you're in? I was right, goddammit. I knew there was more than one scam. Who's to say? I reasonably doubt everything I'm hearing right now.

Ooh, this is mandatory minimums. You're doing a virtual tour of the penal code. Yeah, but getting evidence to prove it sounds like a lot of annoying extra work, which I Oh, this is mandatory minimums. You're doing a virtual tour of the penal code. Yeah, but getting evidence to prove it sounds like a lot of annoying extra work, which I know you don't love. Fucker, are you enjoying this? Or, instead of that, how about meet me and let me talk? Maybe I'll confess a thing or two.

Carl and Jake anxiously wait as Jordan pauses a few beats. People buying gifts ask, where do you get a man who has everything? I've had the opposite problem. How do I punish a man who values nothing? See, you get a pass. None of this madness affects you, does it? You don't care about anyone.

You're wrong. It's different now. Carl covers the phone and shushes Jake. But it's too late. What the hell is your kid doing there? You can't do that. Yeah, because somebody deems me unfit, Mr. McDemer. And listen, I absolutely get it. But you ever consider that maybe I'm not so unfit? Before I met you?

Yes. But then, of course, we met. It's a well-earned label, Carl. Give me a chance to convince you. Text us. I'll send you an address. You dumb fucker. Carl hangs up and looks at Jake. Maybe he'll cool off.

Exterior Grandma's House, night. Jordan joins Ashley, Grandma, and Kathy watching the fiesta slowly slide into a pathetic thud against the curb. Carl gets out and sprints up the small hill to them. Ashley watches Jake make his way up slowly. She gives him his space. First, Merry Christmas, everybody. And thanks for letting me talk. I'm not here for you.

I'm here for your stupefying parole violations. Tell me what's happening. Jordan presides. Apparently, Carl has some things to confess to you. And potentially to the Federal Trade Commission. Jordan pulls out a pair of handcuffs to dramatic effect. Okay, yes, I may have transgressed, but where I ran afoul, it was only so I could get you here tonight. This isn't real. It was the only

way I could explain before it's too late. This is exactly why you can't see your son. I'm no threat. Let me put it this way. I don't want Jake to turn out like me either. I don't blame you for being worried. But I'm not a threat. Why would you bring him into your world of shit? It's the only way he'd bring me into his. Jordan doesn't care. He advances with cuffs as Carl backs up. He was helping me. It's the only way we could do the steps. This stops, Jordan.

You're always saying I need to go to AA. Well, we've been working on the steps together. Good, right? How could you expose him to those sort of people? When did Jake start drinking? No, it's not for that. I just want it to be better, I guess. Jake can't help but look at Ashley. We're almost done. Just one step left. Jordan handcuffs Carl. He's reluctant to be drawn in, but people sometimes think they're almost done. Then they try that last step and find out that they're nowhere. Why? What's it say?

Ultimately, it's about serving others. But first, first, you need to reflect on the great spiritual awakening you've presumably just had. Grandma scoffs. Then, the kicker. You need to figure out what you learned from just had. Grandma scoffs. Then the kicker.

You need to figure out what you learned from it all. Jordan begins to lead Carl away. If you don't know that, then maybe it was worthless. It wasn't worthless. Please, what could Jake possibly have learned from you? Everyone turns to Jake. It's completely overwhelming. I mean, I know that you gotta stay tight with your higher elf, no matter how much he hurts you.

I saw how Dad's a dickhead, but he knows it, so it's not okay, but sorta is. I don't know what to say, okay? I guess I'm not sure what I learned. Carl deflates, and Jordan leads him towards the car. I knew he was in trouble when I heard spiritual awakening. Spiritual? Trust me, no. Mom, shut the hell up. Just because you call it a sacrament now, you're still drunk by noon.

And good job kicking the benzos, but maybe your Jesus addiction is worse. Cut the judgmental crap. Jake moves in a daze to the front steps with the notebook. How could you possibly know what he experienced? I've seen a change, and that's good enough for me. Ashley approaches Jake, who just stares at the notebook. What's that? Jake opens it so she can study the list. Dad wrote his version of each step. I kept track of how far we got. Jesus, look at this. As far as I'm concerned, you should cross that last step off.

Jake doesn't respond. Grandma comes to look, too. Things are getting a little better, right? With us? Jake nods. With small satisfaction, he crosses off the step. What about step one? It's not crossed out.

Jake's shocked. She's right. He reads... Step one. Admit you're a fucked up person and life can never be predictable. You definitely have a problem, bitch. That's garbage. You're fine just the way you are.

Something clicks. Jake has a revelation. I'm not fine, though. Hey, get back here, bitch! Jordan doesn't hear. He puts Carl in the back seat. Wait, stop! Jake begins firing rocks. Interior, Jordan's old Volvo moving night.

Jordan looks out the back window as he reverses. You gotta listen. He's way better now. You should have seen him before. He was so angry. Bam! Bam! Rocks strike the car, chipping the windshield. Bam! Bam! Even his stick-on blind spot mirror is smashed. As Jordan watches it dangle and then fall, he becomes enraged. Exterior, Grandma's house, night.

Jordan gets out just as BAM! A final rock dents his hood. Hey, what the hell, kid? I needed to get your attention. You guys have very extreme ways of doing this. I did learn something. I learned that my dad is very fucked up, sir. We agree.

Step one should have been easy. Admitting everything's messed up. I already thought of that. But, honestly, I blamed people. My dad taught me it can't be anyone's fault because everything in life is just fucked up to begin with. We're powerless. What's your point? Don't ask my dad to be a normal functioning parent.

I don't need that. I need him because he's fucked up. Without him, I'll relapse. And he needs me. Ashley is affected by this. I'm screwed up, dude. So are you, and so is my mom and my grandma. Ashley and Grandma share this weird moment of belonging.

It goes for Christmas, too, you know? If everything is fucked up, you don't have to feel bad about hating it. Jordan reflects interior Jordan's old Volvo night. Carl tries every angle, contorting his body and pressing against

the seat, but he can't open the door while chuffed. Shit! Exterior Grandma's house night. porting his body and pressing against the seat. But he can't open the door while cuffed. Shit! Exterior grandma's house, night. Jordan sits on the front steps, looking at a wallet photo of his wife. The women gathered around comfortingly. Ovviamente no panino! No, no, no! Un boccone ricco di gusto Se conosco il posto giusto Siamo d'accordo su su via

Tutti alla piadineria È tornata la solare con crudo e stracciatella Aggiungi salsa mango, aglio nero o peperone Amerai ogni boccone La piadineria, la più buona che ci sia. That's why I wanted to visit her grave. But I was worried it wouldn't seem very Christmassy. Yeah, man. Fuck Christmas if that's how you feel.

Maybe that's even the true meaning of Christmas. I want to believe it. God, I'd be liberated. Carl arrives. His hair and clothes are a mess from his escape efforts. Ashley studies him a moment. He looks absurd. And with it all so screwed up,

who's anyone to judge Carl? Ashley's support hits Carl. It registered with Jordan, too. He lingers on it as they give him time to think. He stands. Maybe I'm getting swept up in the magic of hating Christmas, or I'm overwhelmed by the opposite of holiday cheer. Jake and Carl look at each other, anxiously optimistic.

If there's one thing fucked up people need, maybe it's each other. You finally have value. I hereby declare you're not unfit. You're not a threat. You're a father as messed up as the rest of it. So you weren't in danger. And you weren't negligent. Jake hugs Ashley.

Grandma sees the love and is moved. She puts her hand on Ashley's shoulder. Yeah, Merry Christmas, I guess. Oh, Merry Christmas, you big lump of coal. Come here, P.O., hug me. Handcuffed, Carl can only heave himself onto Jordan, who quickly shoves him off each time. Carl smiles when he sees Jake and Ashley together.

It all has the feel of a Christmas miracle. So, he's off the hook? No. God, no. He's crazy arrested. Federal prison. Whole shebang. Really bad stuff on that front. But you'll be able to talk. This time, legally. For now, you can come get him, but bail is going to be imposing. Really something tremendous. Carl doesn't care.

He's rightly proud of himself. Merry Christmas, Dad. Jake watches as Carl is led away. He crosses off step one and takes a moment to appreciate the completed list. He did it. Interior, Jordan's house living room. Christmas morning. Jordan tries to endure as all around him, in matching pajamas no less, family celebrates Christmas morning. Reveal.

Jordan wears the same PJs. They have a moose on them. He hates this moose. He doesn't want to be here. Jordan decides on something, then sneaks away. He puts his overcoat over his PJs, but stopping him at the front door is his wide-eyed five-year-old nephew. Where are you going, Uncle Jordy? Jordan prepares to speak with the satisfaction of a man who has settled something important in his mind. I'm going to a graveyard.

He's afraid of how this will go over. I got a truck. That's great. I hope you love it. You gonna go play with it? Yep. Jordan smiles and leaves. Did Uncle Jordy just leave? Yep.

Did he say where he was going? Graveyard. They don't know what to make of it. Interior, local jail, Christmas morning. There are a few joyless prisoners around, but Carl sits alone with his thoughts beneath a few sad holiday decorations. Call me Santa.

You got a letter. Guard frisbees Carl an envelope. He opens it and pulls out the same Christmas card Grandma had sent Jake. A check falls out. Carl reads the card. Here's money for bail. Don't fuck it up. Have a merry Christmas.

XOXO, Grandma. Interior, re-department, living room, Christmas morning. Carl sits in a chair, eggnog in hand, Ashley and Jake on the couch. I got you a little something. He hands Jake a folded piece of paper. Inside, Jake finds a reloadable debit card with the name and number taped to the back. Nicholas Juergen Von Klaus? Our friend in Liechtenstein is expecting your call. What is it? Recent ill-gotten gains. What? No. From godless scoundrels and enough money for

a fancy new phone, I reckon. Jake hands it to Ashley. I don't want it. It'll help us out. Ashley begins to object, but in a very obvious move, Jake turns and starts talking before she has had the chance. Oh, yeah. So then. Oh, we got you something, too. Carl is surprised as Jake hands him a wrapped gift. Carl is opening it when he is attacked by sheer horror. Assaulted by the sight of Jake's ceramic Santa statue. Carl inspects the monstrosity. It's even more upsetting than we appreciated

before. What in holy fuck is this thing? Actually, Jake worked really hard on that. Oh, I'm sorry, man. Yeah, what's your problem? I'm just kidding. It's truly disturbing, I know. Okay,

good, yeah. It looks like you ever see those pictures of birth defects from radiation? Sort of like misshapen Play-Doh people? Man, you gotta Google that. Nope, nope, nope. Actually, we don't have to search that. Call it step 13. You can't just make up steps. Carl is

putting the statue on the table when it breaks into a million pieces. I mean, that's sort of fitting, no? Everything falling apart in your hands. Step 14. Shut up, Ash. Trust me. It happens. We can rebuild it.

Yes, but should we? Jake and Ashley laugh, but... Carl's expression lingers as he looks at the broken pieces. The moment turns serious as his comment gathers more weight. Jake and Ashley react until... Kidding! We'll do it together. Where's the glue?

Jake bolts up to go get it. Ashley smiles. Merry Christmas. The end. Nice. One quick thing. Everybody at the same time give us a Merry Christmas. Let's maybe do that at the end.

On three. One, two, three. Merry Christmas! God rest ye merry gentlemen. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. The rest ye merry gentlemen Let nothing you dismay For Jesus Christ our Savior Was born on Christmas Day To save us all from Satan's power When we were gone astray Oh, tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, oh, tidings of comfort and joy. Angels from some city, angels from some city, angels from some city, angels from some city. From God our Heavenly Father A blessed angel came And unto certain shepherds Brought tidings of the same While that in Bethlehem was born The Son of God by name Oh, tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, oh, tidings of comfort and joy. Angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, angels, oh, oh, The Shepherds of this time Rejoiced and much in mind And left their flocks of feeding In tempest, storm and wind And went to that land straight Where the blessing came to find

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy Oh, tidings of comfort and joy