Table Read - Little Man - Act 1 / Part 2

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

ACT 1 / PART 2: Doug's life is a mess until a popsicle from a strange ice cream man turns him into an eight-year-old. To reverse the curse, he has to become a decent human being in just 10 days. But with time running out, can he save himself and become an adult again? The clock is ticking and the stakes are high! ____ LITTLE MAN:  A hysterical irreverent comedy! "SHALLOW HAL" meets "13 GOING ON 30"...with a generous, dusting of "SUPERBAD." Our all-star cast absolutely destroys this script...guaranteed. You'll laugh out loud! Imagine a world where karma is a magic blue popsicle. LITTLE MAN is a comedy about a foul-mouthed loser who gets an unwanted "do-over" as an 8 year-old. But to turn back into a grown-up, this little d-bag has 10 days to become a decent human being or he'll stay a kid forever. It's hard to be good when you've been bad for so long. Time's running out. Tick tock! ____ Follow Table Read (@TableReadPodcastLA) on Instagram for more info! Visit: https://www.tablereadpodcast.com/ Contact: [e-mail]   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Interior, living room, night. Ethan enters, boy slung on his shoulder. Fugly barks crazy. Put me down! Plop. Ethan dumps him on the couch. Fugly keeps barking. Fugly caves!

Fugly hushes, darts to Doug's room. Ethan does a double take. Okay, kid, look. I'm Doug! Ethan Fugly knows it's me. The boy digs in couch cushions, pulls out a pack of cigarettes. Like he knew where to look.

Ethan grabs the pack. No, this is just a dream. Nightmare? My salami's a cocktail, Whitney, and it's all your fault. Ethan stares. He sounds just like Doug. He shakes his head. I'm calling the authorities.

He dials his phone. Doug grabs it, runs. Ethan chases. Explain how I know about your trio of testes. Millions of men live normal lives with polyorchidism. Give me my phone. Doug ducks under furniture. They wrestle for the phone. You started saving for retirement at nine. Junior year. You almost died from a peanut butter. My Facebook's public. You have a man crush on Justin Timberlake. Who doesn't?

The phone slides across the floor. They dive. Ethan grabs it and stands. Doug pounces on his back. Ethan shrugs him off. Doug falls hard on his ass and cries. You fucking twat waffle! Give me one more of those.

You fucking twat waffle! Later, Ethan swigs a flask. Doug grabs at it. Ethan keeps it away. In Ethan's other hand, the old photo at Dodger Stadium, when they were eight. He holds it up to Doug's face. It's a match. Ethan takes a bigger swig of whiskey. Doug swipes it and chugs.

Ethan yanks it back, stares at the boy beside him. Interior, kitchen, day. Man and boy slump at the table, hungover. Doug shares his cereal with Fugly and recounts his tale. Ethan just stares. I was helping some kids because of your don't be a prick advice and someone steals my car. I chase him and boom! Wake up in pediatrics.

This is unreal. Know what's unreal? Fact I won't pop a boner for more... For... Let's go with this is unreal. This is unreal. Let's go with this is unreal. Great. All right, cool.

This is unreal. Know what's unreal? The fact I won't pop a boner for four more years. Ethan's phone rings. He answers. Hey, Kathy. I, uh, won't be in today. Bad sushi. Thanks.

Ends the call. He paces. Worry settles in. What are we going to do? Mrs. Lewis will see you and ask questions. Just say I'm visiting. You're a child. You look like a child. You can't be home alone. I'll hang out at your office. Not if I want to keep my job. I'm staying here, and that old bat can kiss my shiny hairless ass. Exterior Ethan's driveway, day.

On Doug's shiny hairless ass. A little butt crack peeks out from choo-choo pajama bottoms. Put me down, goddammit! With Doug flung over his shoulder, Ethan opens the car door, tosses him in, shuts it. Doug bangs on the glass. Interior, Lewis living room, that moment. Mrs. Lewis vacuums. She pauses, peeks out the window. Ethan's Volvo backs out of the driveway. She resumes vacuuming. Interior, Ethan's car, moving. Day. Doug scowls in the back seat, tangled in the seatbelt.

Where are we going? I'm hungry. Gotta run errands. You just ate. I'm a growing boy. I want a burger. Hey! You just passed Big Top. Ethan grips the steering wheel tighter.

Doug, we need someone to watch you and not ask any questions. Someone with a flexible schedule. Doors lock. Doug panics. He tries to open the door. Hell no! Are you on crack? Evil has a name. Frankie Bitch. Freddy Cougar ain't got shit on her Begin flashback

Francine, 11 Kitty grunge Gives 8 year old Doug and Ethan a double super wedgie They scream in pain She cackles Tied to a tree The boys watch horrified As she smashes their alien action figure

With a baseball bat. They weep. Double headlock. Francine makes the boys hit themselves in their faces over and over. Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself! She throws her head back, evil cackling echoes. End flashback. Interior, Francine's apartment, day.

Adult Francine, 33, Filipina-American, evil cackling. What grunge looks like when you can't let go. Dark eye makeup, Doc Martens. She sits at a state-of-the-art computer station. Help, Doug. Are you on crack? Why do you still put up with that cretin and his rat dog? He rescued him from a dumpster. Francine, please. We're in a bind.

Doug needs a babysitter. Doug has a kid? Yes! Doug has a kid! But no woman alive would breathe with him! Oh my God! His baby mama's a stripper! Cut him some slack. You don't know him like I do. Begin flashback. Interior, second grade classroom, day 2002. Math lesson in progress. Time out corner.

Eight-year-old Doug picks his nose and draws on his shoes. Aliens, dragons, boobs. Yeah, he's a bit quirky. Translation, demented. Doug drops his pencil. It rolls to eight-year-old Ethan, super nerd. Glasses, NSYNC t-shirt. He picks it up, goes to Doug.

You dropped this. Doug grabs it,, goes to Doug. You dropped this. Doug grabs it, keeps drawing. Making friends can be hard. Exterior, suburban neighborhood. Later, 2002. Two bullies, 12, laugh at Ethan's NSYNC t-shirt and shove him to the ground. His Sony Discman cracks. He grabs it and flees.

Even harder if you're... different. Ethan dead-ends at a flood control channel. He panics, hides in a storm pipe. Nearby, Doug chucks bottles in the water. Or if you're a sociopath. Bullies run past the pipe. Inside, Ethan is stuck. He sobs.

Doug appears at the pipe opening. He holds up the Discman. He sobs. Doug appears with a pipe opening. He holds up the disc man. You dropped this. Doug's a good guy. He's my friend. End flashback. Back in Francine's apartment. He saved your life, yada yada yada. He made you pay him ten bucks. I offered- Find another grubsitter.

Can't shut your piehole for ten seconds to let the man talk? Francine turns. Boy Doug stands in the middle of the room. Spawn of Doug? I am Doug, Franken-ho. No cure yet for your nasty-ass jab of the hot flesh-eating butt-face disease? Walking Dead still needs extras. Oh!

I thought it was... Can you give me one more word? It's the city! Damn barns! They'll concrete with that. Better have it. Let's bring him in with Spawn of Doug. Spawn of Doug?

I am Doug, Frank and Ho. No cure yet for your nasty-ass Jabba the Hutt flesh-eating butt-face disease? Walking dead still needs extras. Convinced. It's Doug. Later, Francine's living room Ethan is on his phone in the background Doug scarfs pizza on the couch Francine watches, repulsed and fascinated

Like what you see, Frank? Karma's a freaking goddess She cackles. Pokes Doug's tummy. It jiggles. Pokes it again. Ethan, the scary she-man keeps touching me in a bad way. Ethan ends his call.

He's super stressed. Francine, can you please do this? It's just temporary till- His balls drop? No way. Enroll him in school. Ethan and Doug freeze. Ethan's face.

Hope. Doug's horror. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bad idea. Bad! I need a birth certificate. And, and, and, no, no, no, no, no. Bad idea. Bad! I'd need a birth certificate and... It's easy peasy. Motions to a workstation.

Wheels turn in Ethan's head. This could actually work. Doug kicks pizza boxes. Growls. Tasmanian Devil Tantra Mode. He's got a pass for a human kid. Fuck you, Frank! Siri, target store hours.

No way in hell I'm going to school! Exterior Elementary School Day. On Marquee. Fairview Elementary. Where children shine. A thriving neighborhood public school. Kids, parents, SUVs.

Main entrance. Kids, parents, SUVs. Main entrance. Kids scurry in. Ethan waits as a cranky Doug trudges forward. Dressed like a mini Ethan. Hair combed neatly. Big backpack. Just fly low. Blend in.

Just like a vagina? Shh! You need to make it work until this... wears off. Would you rather spend ten hours a day with Francine? This is blackmail. Leverage. And no funny business. I won't cause any shit, Dad.

Uncle. Francine will pick you up. I gotta go. Okie dokie. All around them, parents hug and kiss their kids goodbye. Don't even think about it. Ethan bear hugs him. And deftly confiscates a pack of cigs. That's my last pack! He watches Ethan leave. Doug smirks.

Unzips his backpack. Interior, school hallway, day. Loud, bustling. Children 5 to 11 everywhere. Cheerful murals of books, rainbows, and butterflies. On banner, cookies for caring, helping kids worldwide. A huddle of 5th grade girls suddenly hush. 3rd grade boys pause on an R2-D2 BB-8 debate.

Something's got their attention. pause on an R2-D2 BB-8 debate. Something's got their attention. All the kids turn to see. The coolest kid ever. In a backwards Dodgers cap and a Star Wars t-shirt of Chewbacca in cool shades. Party animal. It's Doug. Mini-Ethan clothes gone gone He struts down the hall Puts on cool shades that match Chewbacca's The kids ooh and ah He passes the fifth grade girls Nods Sup ladies

Doug slips on something He goes down On his ass All the kids laugh Doug gets to his feet Plays it off Doug slips on something. He goes down on his ass. All the kids laugh. Doug gets to his feet, plays it off. I'm good. I'm good. All good. Show's over.

Ew, he's got poop on his butt. On Doug's backside, brown gooey stain. Chocolate pudding. Annoying fifth graders Jake and Ashford, 11, 12, gooey stain. Chocolate pudding. Annoying fifth graders Jake and Ashford, 11, 12, point to Doug. Chewbacca pooped his pants. Poo-bacca. Chewbacca, Chewbacca, Chewbacca, Chewbacca. Furious, Doug rushes Ashford. Tackles him. Doug sits on Ashford's face.

Grinds in the chocolate pudding. How you like my poop now, shit face? The bell drowns Ashford's cries. Kids scurry off. Stop this right now! A woman's hand yanks Doug off the sobbing fifth grader. It's Julia, the woman from the hospital. Doug? Interior classroom, day.

24 second graders settle in. Julia writes on the whiteboard, Independent work time. She gives Doug a concerned look, steps into the hallway. Doug sits beside the teacher's desk, towel under his butt, miserable.

Students glance at the new kid. A boy approaches. It's Wyatt from the ball incident. You're new. You're annoying. I'm Wyatt. I'm almost eight. Great.

Go feed the hamster. Miss Jones says we can't have a hamster because kids are allergic. Did you have an accident? I have lots, so I keep extra towels in my cubby. I get a sticker every day I don't have an accident. Want to see? He scampers to his desk.

Doug's face. Da fuck? In the hall. Principal Garcia, 63. She's counting the days till retirement. Talks with Julia. Zero tolerance, no exceptions. But it's his first day at a new school.

He's just scared. In the classroom, Doug laughs hysterically. He's probably a great kid. On 3x5 card. Happy face emoji with speech bubble. If you feel something, say something. And five lonely stickers. Five? For the whole month?

He can't stop laughing. Feelings hurt. Wyatt walks away. Hall. Fifth graders know better. And this child's been through enough. Classroom. Doug gobbles candy from a big jar on Julia's desk.

He's intimidated by new people. Rachel, eight, clone of the Olsen twins, approaches. You can't touch those. I'm telling. Yo, snitch. Gonna call the po-po. Paul. He's all alone. Classroom. Doug stands on the chair with the candy jar. Hasn't made any friends yet.

Hey, who wants some candy? Squeals of joy from the kids. They surround Doug. Paul. All right, I'm sure you'll handle this appropriately, Miss Jones. She hands Julia a plastic bag with a pink bundle inside. Classroom. Mayhem.

Doug tosses candy. Kids dive like a piñata burst. Julia enters. Doug tosses candy. Kids dive like a piñata burst. Julia enters. Doug! Later. Order restored. Kids read quietly. On the board, silent reading. Julia takes a big gulp from a water bottle. Rough day, and it's only 8.30. Doug sits in the thinking corner. There's a poster of three happy bees.

How can you be safe, be respectful, and be responsible? He glowers, pissed off in pink leggings. Rachel, the narc, waves her raised hand frantically. Yes, Rachel? I told Doug he wasn't allowed. She smirks at Doug. I'm sure you did, but Doug is new. He doesn't know all the rules yet. Julia doesn't see Doug give Rachel the finger.

Later, students busy at work. Julia and Doug sit at a table to the side. Doug slumps, head on arms. He gazes at her pretty face. Do you remember me, Doug? Doug sighs. You can almost see the hearts in his eyes. I found you unconscious in the street.

I called the paramedics. What happened at the hospital? You just disappeared. Doug snaps out of lovesick puppy mode, thinks fast. Uncle Ethan got me. He takes care of me. I don't live with my parents. Puts on the best sad kid face and fake snobs.

Sorry. Hey, Bowie, let's pick up. Let's go from Doug snaps out. And, Bowie, you's go from Doug snaps out, and Bowie, you're still not a victim. You're still old Doug kind of making your way, so don't be too, you know, you can be a little vulnerable, but don't be over-vulnerable.

Be a bad liar, too. Yeah, exactly. Doug snaps out of lovesick puppy mode. Thinks fast. Uncle Ethan got me. He takes care of me. I don't live with my parents. Puts on the best sad kid face and fake sobs.

We had to go. Because he works a lot. More fake sobs. Julia's face softens. We were just so worried about you. I miss my mommy. She comforts him with a hug. Doug snuggles in.

I'm glad you're part of our class, Doug. You'll like it here. Doug nods, nestled in her embrace. Interior, exterior, school, day. A series of shots. Doug's first day of school. Interior School Day. A series of shots. Doug's first day of school. At dodgeball, Rachel wails a big red mark on her face. But she didn't dodge. Whoa!

Thinking corner, now. In cafeteria, Doug eats four burritos, swipes kids' lunches. In Science, the lab is set up for an experiment. Any questions? Where do babies come from? Do you want to get a Rachel wheel at the end? Yeah, we'll get that at the end, yeah. Later, classroom.

Doug yawns. The math lesson creeps by. On clock. Time lapse. Hands go around from 1 to 120. Doug, bored out of his gourd, glances around. A sneaky grin spreads across his face. A huge fart erupts. Kids, you.

Giggle. Doug feigns innocent. Someone else farts. Then another. A fart chain reaction. Most real. Some fake. The smell is awful. Class out of control.

Alright, everyone out. Now do it like you're plugging your nose like this. It's really cold. Everybody get out. Like you're totally sick. It's contagious. All right, everyone out. Doug Smirks. Math lesson over. Mission accomplished. Later, 2.30 on the clock. Kids line up with backpacks. Doug pushes to the front.

Doug, please move your pin to red and go to the end of the line. Doug huffs to the behavior chart. A continuum of colors. Closed pins with each student's name clipped to the chart. All pins except Doug's are on green. Good job. He moves his pin from yellow, warning, to red, need to improve. He scowls. Before we leave, remember, be positive and try your best. Tomorrow's a new start and... We're all a work in progress. Can I give you one with this, just kids? On the entire class? Yeah, lead them in.

Okay. Before we leave, remember, be positive and try your best. Tomorrow's a new start and... We're all a work in progress. Exterior, school pickup area, day. Kids climb into cars. Doug waits, still in pink leggings. From a minivan, Stephen, five, sticks his tongue out at Doug.

Doug responds with a blowjob gesture. Stephen freezes, intrigued, then mimics Doug. The responds with a blowjob gesture. Steven freezes, intrigued. Then mimics Doug. The van door shuts. All buckled in? Steven! No! Smack of a hand. Sound of Steven crying.

Minivan pulls away. Doug snickers. He looks around. He's the only kid left. He sits on the curb. Thanks a lot, Frankentwot. The faint chimes grow louder. Doug's head snaps in his direction.

The Mr. Chili Truck rolls down the street. Doug blinks. Begin quick flashes of Doug's memory. Grown-up Doug chases the stolen car. Grill of the Mr. Chili Truck just before impact. End flashes. Quick flashes of Doug's memory. Grown-up Doug chases the stolen car. Grill of the Mr. Chili truck just before impact. In flashes. Back on Doug.

He jumps up, chases the truck. Hey! Stop! Stop! The truck pulls over. Carl steps out. Hello there, Doug. How you been? You! You hit me with your truck!

Sorry about that. El Nino was taking a little too long to kick in. Doug's brow knits. Confusion. More memories are triggered. Begin quick flashes. Carl offers Doug the swirly blue El Nino popsicle. On wrapper, a boy holding an umbrella.

End flashes. Back on Doug. You did this to me. Why? Don't you remember me? Guess it's been a while. I put on a few pounds, a little snow on the roof now. Doug squints, imagines old Carl as a young, slim version.

Holy shit! Ice cream Joe? Well, that's what you kids called me. Name's Carl. Carl, Joe, whoever you are, it's been a real fun trip down memory lane. Now change me back and we call it a day. This being a kid again thing sucks ass. Language, young man. Don't be a douche. Change me back. Afraid I can't. Why the hell not? Son, I've been in this business for 50 years.

Sold ice cream to thousands of kids. Seen them all grow up, mature. All of them. Except you. You're boring me. How much? Carl's brow furrows. Money to change me back.

It's not that simple. I see where this is going. How long do I gotta suck your popsicle? God. All right, one more time. Let's not get in the middle of that. Good choice of words. Start with money to change me back, please.

Money to change me back. It's not that simple. I see where this is going. How long do I got gotta suck your popsicle? Doug, you're getting a do-over. Do-over? This isn't kickball. This is my life. You need to learn to be a decent human being. Kind, helpful, respectful.

It all starts when you're a child. If you can do this, you can get to be a grown-up again. If not, you stay a child. This blows, Carl. I retire at the end of the month. You got till then. And we'll be watching. Doug turns. It's Francine's car. He turns back to Carl.

Who's watching? Carl! Carl and the Mr. Chili Truck are gone. Interior, exterior, Francine's car, day. Grunge rock blares. Francine smokes. Doug opens the door. Hot pink's good on you.

You're late, Frank. Got pulled over again for driving while ugly? Ah, that time of the month. Get in. Doug climbs in, shuts the door. He savors the smoke. Give me one. Jonesy? Huh? Buckle up. He crosses his arms. She punches him in the crotch. Son of a nutcracker!

Listen up, dung beetle. I don't like this babysitting shit either. I'm only doing this for my brother. So here's how it's gonna play out. You do what I say. You keep your rat dog away from me. Takes another drag, blows it in his face. And you get smokes. You in or you out? Doug rides in pain. He seethes and buckles up. Exterior, Ethan Street, day.

Francine parks the car three houses down from Ethan's. Crouched behind her car, Francine scans the area, nods to Doug. They dash to the door, almost there. Yoo-hoo, Frances! They freeze. Mrs. Lewis appears out of thin air. Hi, Mrs. Lewis! Hey, Mr. Lewis!

Waves to Mr. Lewis on his porch, newly decorated in LGBTQ rainbow flags. He wears a rainbow love-is-love t-shirt. This young man your son? She pinches Doug's cheeks. He winces. Nephew, our other sister's kid. Say hello, Bob. Hello, Bob. Bob, go get Hello, Bob. Bob, go get your homework started.

She squeezes his arm. He squirms free, runs inside. He's staying with Ethan for a while. I'm babysitting. Oh, wonderful. We just adore Ethan and his girlfriend and his boyfriend. Gay, bisexual, gender fluid, polyamorous. However he identifies, we're allies. A thruple is much more inclusive and free.

We could use a little more love in this world. Francine suppresses her smirk. Absolutely. Killing it, Charmaine. Interior kitchen, night. Doug and Ethan open bags of food from Big Top Burger. A fucking do-over.

And I only got till the end of the month. Ten days. And he said I'm being watched. By who? Hell, if I know. He sees what's in the bag. A kid's meal? Really?

Kind of made sense. There's a toy. Tears pool in Doug's eyes, roll down his cheeks. He slumps, defeated. Fugly jumps onto the table, licks Doug's face, then sniffs around the bag and crawls in. Ethan pats Doug's arm, unsure of what to do. Awkward.

Hey, it's not that bad. It's only your first day. Of torture? I can't do this. You have to. What I mean is, sure you can. Come on, you've got this. Doug looks up, hopeful. You already know how to read and write, do math.

The rest is just listening to the teacher, following rules, being nice to everyone. Gravity sinks in. No one says a word. The only sound is Fugly munching from inside the bag. I'm fucked. To be continued.