Table Read - Pablo's Rhino – Act Three

Episode Date: June 26, 2025

PABLO’S RHINO – ACT THREEThis is it. The rhino’s still dead. Pablo’s still insane. And our three idiots? They’re in way too deep… and now they’re in a musical.Charlie’s hallucinating. Sam might be in love. Marcus definitely joins a jungle cult. And somehow, everyone’s singing. Yes, even Pablo. Yes, it slaps.There’s a DEA sting gone sideways. A Colombian jungle rave with ayahuasca and jazz hands. A butt gets shot. A fake rhino gets stolen. And the final scene? Picture Book of Mormon on cocaine—if the choir was armed and one guy’s still pooping in a tree.It’s sweaty. It’s stupid. It’s glorious.This is Act Three of Pablo’s Rhino.And it might just be our masterpiece.Starring:Tim Friedlander as the NarratorJim O'Heir as Charlie Bleeker – the neurotic, reluctant heroDarin Toonder as Marcus – the chaos agent with a trust fund and a dreamJeff Bergman as Sam – loyal, closeted, and occasionally clairvoyantWayne Lopez as Pablo Escobar – the crime lord-turned-cheesemaker with a soft spot for rhinosAndrea Savo as Lucia – a badass Colombian cop who’s more Indiana Jones than law enforcementKeylor Leigh as Audrey – Charlie’s sharp-tongued, no-bullshit ex-wifeLynette Coll as Maria Chung Escobar – Pablo’s power-tripping wife with a hair-trigger temperDustin Green as Agent Knowles – a DEA cowboy with a chip on his shoulderHolden Myers as Agent Martinez – the sidekick who really just wants empanadasWritten by Craig Goodwill & Sam Ruano, Pablo’s Rhino is a tequila-soaked thrill ride full of midlife panic, monkey knife fights, and unexpected heart.Turn up. Black out. Hit play.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Three clueless friends on a guys trip to Columbia accidentally kill Pablo Escobar's beloved pet rhino, luring the notorious drug lord out of hiding after years of being presumed dead. Now they have just two days to replace it or face Pablo's wrath. Ah, get some cool shit. Okay, okay. On to act two, amigo. Here we go. Pablo doesn't just let them off easy. No, no, no, no, no, no.

He drops them out in the middle of nowhere and gives them an ultimatum. You have two days to replace my precious rhino or I eat your face. Pablo's so crazy. I brush his rhino or I eat your face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Victim whimpers. Cartel guy spends a chamber one last time. Silence. Now, with this little delivery, get them back on Pablo's good side. Or have they just brought themselves one step closer to the grave? Let's listen. The deafening click of the trigger, followed by a gunshot. Oops!

Act 3. Exterior Colombian Pueblo Day Dirty street children play outside ramshackle buildings. Hardworking men walk by, pushing wooden carts laden with scraps of metal. Women hang clothes out to dry and gab as they pick through beans for the day's meal. A van pulls up and tosses Charlie, Marcus, and Sam out before taking off in a cloud of dust. Everyone on the street stops with sudden interest. Two seconds later, another van pulls up.

Martinez and Knowles hop out, grab Marcus, Charlie, and Sam, and throw black hoods over their heads. Sam squeals like a girl. Knowles punches him out and throws them all in the trunk and takes off. Everyone on the street turns back to what they were doing, as if this were a common occurrence. Interior, Scuzzy Hotel Room, Night

Knowles finishes tying up Marcus and Sam to a couple of chairs. He crosses the room and exits through an adjoining door. Marcus and Sam wriggle and moan through their gags, wondering what the hell is going on. Outside through the wall, we can hear some major partying going on, like we're at some kind of frat house. Interior adjoining room continuous. Charlie is tied up in this room, also blindfolded and gagged. Martinez stands behind him. Alright, they're not going anywhere. What the fuck is going on out there? POTUS is in country some of the secret service douches are on a bender Christ again

Why don't they use their own safe house? We take bullets all the time that never stops us from being professionals should I say something? No, let's just get this over with Noles pulls off Charlie's hood Tell us what we want to know, and maybe we'll let you live. Charlie doesn't understand. What are you doing? Disguising my voice. He can't see us. He doesn't even...

Through the walls, we hear more chanting and some random gunfire followed by more cheering. That's it. How's anyone supposed to work like this? No, let me. Martinez opens the door to the hall and sticks his head out. Hey guys. Guys, a little professional courtesy. Some of us are trying to work in here. Someone chucks a plastic cup of beer at Martinez's face, soaking him. Thank you! To Knowles.

We should be good now. Alright, Charlie. I'm gonna take off the hood, but if you scream, I start pulling fingernails, clear? Charlie nods. Wait, wouldn't that just make him scream even more? Whatever, he gets the point. What are you doing in Columbia? I'm on vacation.

Hey, try it again. What are you doing in Columbia? No, no, no, seriously I'm on vacation. Noles turns to Martinez out of ideas. I got nothing. This guy's a steel trap. I've never tortured anyone before. Should we boil water and tear some bedsheets? Only if he's pregnant. Okay, look, maybe it would help speed things along if you just told me who you are and what you want. The exchange of look shrug. It's worth a shot.

I'm Special Agent Martinez, and this is Special Agent Knowles. We're with the Drug Enforcement Administration. A wave of relief washes over Charlie. Oh, thank God. OK, look, my friends and I are American citizens. You've got to help us. We were kidnapped by Pablo Escobar. He's still holding one of our friends hostage.

Whoa, hold on. Pablo Escobar has been dead for 10 years. Suddenly a secret service agent bursts in. He's sucking face with a prostitute, oblivious of everyone else in the room. Seriously? Knowles grabs a dry humping couple and guides them through to the adjoining room where Marcus

and Sam are. Sorry about that. Where were we? Okay, listen. He's not dead. He has been hiding this entire time. If I don't replace his rhinoceros in two days, he is going to eat my family. Martinez looks over at Knowles and nods.

Knowles takes out a photo of Escobar. Yeah, that sounds like a Zemo. Is this the man you met? Well, he's older now, but yeah, that's him. Yeah, sure. Yes, that is Pablo Escobar. Knowles and Martinez give each other a solemn nod. Then behind Charlie's field of view,

do a quick happy dance. The man you met may have been an imposter. Escobar was known to keep several body doubles on hand. That's how he was rumored to fake his death in the first place. Well, whoever it was, if I don't give him what he wants, he is going to kill me and everyone I know. Man, you must have really pissed him off

to bring him out of hiding. Some intense sex sounds are starting to build in the next room. Martinez and Knowles try to ignore it. Can't you just go and arrest him? Oh, sure. You want to write down his address for us and we'll get right on it. Off screen, the sex noises start to intensify. It's starting to really get under Martinez's skin. They had a bag over my head.

Not so easy then, is it, smart guy? He's like a Colombian yeti. No one's ever gotten this close to him and lived to tell about it. We need you to lead us to him. Like bait? Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think so.

The off-screen orgasm builds to an earth-shattering crescendo. Look, Charlie. You guys are in. Pauses for the final scream. For the love of God, finish already. The Secret Service officer and the prostitute exit the room, not even noticing Charlie. Sam and Marcus can be heard crying in the other room.

Ha ha ha. We could lock all of you up right now for money laundering, trafficking, jaywalking, anything we want. Martinez crosses to get in Charlie's face. It doesn't even have to be real. This is Columbia, son. Accidents happen all the time. Stubs his toe.

Mother of cocksucker shit licking. Oh my god, I think I think I think I broke the nail Martinez stumbles around the room in agony. Okay, can we focus? What do you want me to do carry on like everything is normal normal? Can't you guys just give me a rhino? Yeah, what do we look like the animal? keeping people You believe this guy? Understand this, Escobar has eyes everywhere. He has to believe you are completing his little test.

And what? Drop by Rhino Mart and ask for one rhino to go? Should have thought of that before you murdered the man's pet. And don't tell anyone about this meeting, Charlie. Or finding a rhino will be the least of your worries. Seriously, that's your plan? Sit back and watch? Oh my god, you guys are the worst fucking... The words you're looking for is civil servant.

Martinez replaces the tape over Charlie's mouth as Knowles brings down the hood over his head. Exterior, Columbian Village day. The truck pulls up and tosses the guys out before leaving them once again in a cloud of dust. They get up slowly, dust themselves off, and without a word stumble into... Interior, Cantina, day. They take a seat at the bar.

The bartender pours them each a drink like he was expecting them. The Cantina is otherwise empty aside from an old drunk passed out at the other end. No one speaks for a good long beat. Till Sam breaks the silence. Okay, what the actual fuck was that? I think it was like a wrong number or something. Kidnapped, brought to an orgy which we don't even get to participate in, then dumped back in the anus of nowhere we still have no no clue how to go get the hula-hula-hula.

Moving on to perfect joke. Ha ha ha ha ha! Kidnapped, brought to an orgy which we don't even get to participate in, and then dumped back in the anus of nowhere where we still have no clue how the hell we're supposed to find another rhinoceros in Columbia. Yes, Charlie, pray tell. What is this brilliant plan of yours? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. My plan? Why all of a sudden is it my plan? Anyone who didn't promise Pablo Escobar new rhinoceros, raise your hand.

Everyone in the bar beside Charlie, including the passed out drunk, raises their hands. We're not actually doing that, are we? Uh, no. Are you fucking kidding me? We can't just leave Lucia with that maniac. Look, none of us would even be in this mess in the first place if Marcus didn't bring us down here to be extorted by drug dealers. Oh well, excuse me, Mr. Midlife Crisis.

I'm sorry if this doesn't live up to your big shot accountant life of excitement. Wait, I have an idea. Charlie Downs is drinking Taps's glass for a topo. We should have stayed in prison, at least we would have been safe behind bars. Or not. We should have stayed home, that way we would be safe at home. Your whole life is safe, you wrote eight books about taking zero risks. As opposed to you, my daddy left me money, so I never need to grow up!

Well, why don't we get arrested so they just put us back in jail? Marcus and Charlie both stop and turn to Sam. Sam, you're a genius. What? That is a stupid idea. A better idea would be... Well, well, okay. We'll need to commit a crime. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, like, uh, like what?

What are you talking about here? Maybe off a hobo? Marcus nudges his head in the direction of the drunk guy at the end of the bar. What? No, you morons! It- They've stopped listening to him altogether. Okay, it should be something minor, so they hold us long enough, but not too long. I can't, I can't do hard time. Maybe just soft core time. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Maybe we can shoplift something small.

Marcus tries indiscreetly to swipe the ashtray off the bar, but it's glued down. Ooh, how about we all whip them out and wave at the school kids for a good old public indecency charge? Seriously, guys, I know where we can find... Oh, I can get plenty indecent. Wait, is that even a crime in this country?

Guys! The old drunk at the end of the bar lifts his head long enough to speak. Ay, Dios mío. Vaya signos zoológico. Llegaron lo que quieran. The old drunk slumps his head back down. They look at the bartender confused.

Oh, do we not have a bartender? Congratulations, Kevin. You say, uh, why don't you go to the zoo in Cali and just take what you want? Papa Sancho makes a good point. I'm not gonna let a little thing like a four-ton rhino stand in the way of my dreams. That's what I was trying to say. Sam just shakes his head and walks out. Marcus shakes his head disapprovingly at Charlie. Really, Charlie?

I mean, now you're taking credit for the old man's ideas, too? Oh, typical. Marcus walks out, leaving Charlie dumbfounded. Idiots. Dissolve to exterior Cali Zoo entrance day. The guys take up different positions around the entrance trying to appear inconspicuous. Marcus reads a newspaper. Charlie casually eats an empanada while Sam pretends to be a blind, shaking a tin cup. All looks clear. They each drop what they're holding and approach the entrance.

A woman walks by dragging her fat kid who slobbers over a huge ice cream cone. A scoop drops from the kid's cone. The guys all freeze, unsure what to do. The kid wails, but the mother just yanks him away harder. So the guys continue their approach. But the kid breaks free and goes after the fallen scoop. The guys freeze again, trying to look inconspicuous. The mother runs back, grabs her kid by the wrist,

scolds him to leave the fallen scoop. Sam, fed up, grabs the fallen scoop off the sidewalk and slaps it back on the kid's cone. The mother and kid are momentarily stunned by this. The kid goes back to licking his cone as his mom hauls him away. Quick before the fat lord tries to lick the sidewalk. Marcus runs over and laces his hands for Sam to climb onto. They fumble and grunt to get over the wall

while Charlie walks right on through the entrance and stares at them from the other side. Marcus calls out, oblivious. Charlie! Charlie! I need a hand! Christ, where the hell did he go? My tail is down. Don't let me fall. Don't let me fall. Charlie pulls on Sam's pant leg and squeals. Wouldn't you get down here already?

Sam falls with a hard thud to the ground. Marcus looks up. Here's Charlie on the other side, confused. How? How'd you? Charlie pokes his head out the front gate. Right. Exterior zoo grounds day. Marcus hurries in Sam dusts himself off.

I could have been killed you know. The zoo is run down and the place is empty except for a couple of groundskeepers off in the distance. Okay look we scope the place out and we gather as much intel as we can. Yes good so far we know there's a front gate. What if someone sees us? Get on all fours and bark like a dog. Right. Charlie punches him in the arm. It's a public zoo, dingus. You're here to see the animals.

Yeah, about that. I'm not seeing any. What are you talking about? Of course there are. Charlie rushes up to one of the pens. Maybe they're hiding? A groundskeeper drives by in a motorized push cart. The guys swoop down on him, taking him by surprise.

Senor, um, uh, uh, hmm, animals? Were-o? Were-o? Were-o? Seriously? Sam pushes Charlie aside and puts a hand to his head like it's a horn. He trots around in a circle. The groundskeeper looks even more confused.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm communicating. You look like a retarded unicorn. Oh, you're looking for the animals. Oh, you speak English. For sure. Why wouldn't I? You're too late.

The zoo moved. The groundskeeper takes out a flyer and hands it to Charlie. Marcus grabs the flyer. They moved the zoo? Can they do that? No, uh uh uh, no no, there is supposed to be a rhinoceros here. Checks his watch. All packed up on the train to the new animal sanctuary in Bogota. Bogota? That makes no sense. Sam pushes Charlie aside.

Step aside, it'll take forever your way. Sam goes back to his Rhino impression. The Groundskeeper mimes driving a truck. This turns into a conversation made up of weird imitations and sound effects. Sam? He already said he speaks English! Yeah, but he speaks idiot. Which one? Okay, so it looks like we just missed him by...

Sam turns back to the groundskeeper and does an imitation of an eagle and the sun. The groundskeeper nods. 20 minutes! The truck's just left for the train yards. That's how they're transporting the small ones. From there, the big ones, including one rhinoceros, are going by truck to Bogota. Fine, except they left 20 minutes ago and we don't even have a car. Ooh, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Sam looks the groundskeeper up and down. No, he's way too scrawny to pass for rhinoceros. The three turn to the groundskeeper who smiles back. Nice suit. That was like a Pauly Shore. Exterior Columbia Highway Day. That was like a chain-link fence. Charlie's POV. Zoo workers offload animals from cargo trucks onto train cars. We see a few tapirs, a hippo, and finally a rhinoceros. Back.

Bingo! Out of nowhere, a pistol is jammed in his back. Hello Charlie. Mrs. Oh, fuck. Charlie turns slowly to see Noles and Martinez eating a blaze. What is this? blaze Okay, okay, okay Charlie turned slowly to see Noles and Martinez eating empanadas.

He puts his hands down. You're a hard man to nail, Charlie. Down. What? Still chewing. He's a hard man to nail down. Really? Well, I'm sorry.

Maybe it'd be easier to find me at the zoo in Cali. Oh, wait. They shut that down. I'm sensing a maybe it'd be easier to find me at the zoo in Cali. Oh, wait, they shut that down. I'm sensing a little hostility. OK, look, unless you haven't noticed, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Charlie turns his attention back to the yards. Consider this a friendly reminder to keep your yap shut

about our little arrangement. The walls have ears. We're outside. It's a figure of speaking. Look, I didn't tell them, okay? The guys holster their weapons. Good. You worry about finding that animal and leave the rest to us. Well, it may be a long wait unless you can figure out how three guys on a scooter can transport a four-ton rhinoceros.

Noles and Martinez side eye each other and offer up a smug smile. Now there we might be able to help. Exterior, curbside, train yards, day. Sam and Marcus sit on the sidewalk sipping a couple Club Colombia's wrapped in napkins. Charlie approaches. Okay, we're in business. I saw them loading animals onto cars, including one rhino. Marcus and Sam get to their feet, relieved.

Fucking A. So now, do we just saunter over and say, your rhino or your life? No, no, no, we'll come back after dark. That'll give us time to get supplies and maybe some pomegranates. Two of them, actually. Marcus and Sam nod enthusiastically at the suggestion.

Exterior, train yards, night. Marcus and Charlie are crouched behind an empty railway car. Sam sidles up beside them. Okay, I spotted two guards, but one is watching reruns of Latino Matlock. So really there's only one. What about somebody else? What about the ear? That's twice you've gotten me now. Could you do that again please?

That was stupid. This is great. Okay, I spotted two guards. But one is watching reruns of Latino Matlock. So really there's only one. What about the animals? I doubt they could see. It was a pretty small TV.

Are they still there? Oh, oh, oh, right, right, yeah. Well, I heard plenty of grunting and snorting, which is either the animals or someone be getting their fa-RICON! Marcus and Charlie give him a weird look. It's a new thing I'm trying, no? Too ethnic? Never mind. Okay, come on, come on. We'll just split up.

Anyone runs into trouble, just call out and one of us will come find you. What's your signal? I don't know. Do a bird call or something. Oh, I could do a Moroccan fire chicken. Caw-caw-caw-caw! Caw-caw-caw-caw-caw-caw-caw! That could literally be any animal. It's fine, it's fine, whatever. Okay, let's do a supply check.

What did you find? Marcus looks in his bag. First things first. He passes out fake mustaches. They put them on without question. Rich through the bag. What else? Let's see, doggy treats, duct tape,

full cutters, penny hose. Sound like he about to get his phoneiko, am I right? Still no. I also got these. Marcus pulls out a small red packet and gives them to Charlie. Firecrackers? For what? Uh, cause they're awesome. Charlie can't argue with that. Sam grabs a pack. Ooh, ooh, ooh, did you get the sparkly kind that shoot out different colors? Could we please focus for a second? Sam throws Marcus a look, mocking Charlie.

Alright, here's the plan. Sam, since you speak the most Spanish... And Rhino. Charlie lays out the plan over a series of shots set to Latino heist music. Sam slinks around between the rail cars, checking each one. You'll be our scout. Find out which car the Rhino is in. Marcus and I will wait for your signal. Once you're located. You'll be our scout. Find out which car the rhino is in. Marcus and I, we will wait for your signal. Once you're located, we'll come find you. Marcus hugs the side of the guard station

while the guard dog gnaws happily on a bone. Marcus, you handle security. Make sure that dog stays put. As Marcus peeks in, we see a fat guard glued to his television. Marcus rolls up his pant leg and sticks out a pantyhose leg into the booth. The guard sees the leg, raises an eyebrow. Whatever you do, keep it quiet. We don't need any undue attention. After the guard is out of commission, open the gate and I'll come find you

guys with a truck. Where are you going to get a truck? I'll get one. Just make sure the gate is open. This sounds all great and all, but how are we supposed to get said rhino off the train? Sam takes out a cabbage from his bag that's been split in half and hollowed out with a ball of paste in the middle. Oh, this baby is packed with enough goof juice to put down a, I don't know, like a really big horse or smallish elephant or something.

Where the hell'd you get that? Oh, from Mamo the Medicine Man. He had a gift shop too. Oh, I also got this watch. It's a Seiko. Exterior, train yards, night. Sam peeks his head around a rail car to see. A zoo worker sealing up a box car before moving off.

Sam sneaks between the rows of railway cars, wrapping on the sides and looking between slats. Here, Rhino, Rhino, Rhino. We hear snorting. Sam peeks his head into one car. An elephant snakes its trunk out through the slats and slaps Sam hard, momentarily stunning him. Sam shakes it off, but the elephant

sprays some putrid brown liquid on his face. Whoa. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Today's out of the closet, and I'm already taking it in the face!

He wipes it off and looks in another car. This time it's the right one. Sam slides it open. Sure enough, it's a young, 1400 pound black rhinoceros. Rhino alert! Rhino alert! Marcus appears behind the train car. Sam! Sam! Over here! Over here! I think we may have a problem! Marcus rushes over and looks in. The Rhino is ass-and-out. Yeah that's a

problem. Did you try giving it the cabbage? Charlie said not until it was on the truck. Well Charlie doesn't know about this. Why say give it to him now? Oh, all right, but why do I always have to be the fluffer? No. Marcus smiles. Sam huffs and takes out the cabbage, lamely waving it around.

Oh. Here you go, boy. Got a nice big good cabbage for you. You have to climb up there. He needs it to... Are you... wait... Are you... You have to climb... You have to climb up there. He needs to smell it.

Are you fucking Cocoa Puffs? I am not getting in there with that thing. Well I... can't see in the dark. I'm colorblind, Sam. Sam, where are you? Oh, fine, you big baby. Exterior, interior box car night. Sam climbs into the car and suddenly realizes the floor

is covered in three feet of Rhin-O-Turd. Oh, god. Oh, my god. I'm knee deep in after first. Forget that. Just give him the cabbage and get out. Sam tries to shimmy around the rhino. He seems pretty tame.

He waves the cabbage around. The rhino turns its head and swats Sam's face with his tail. Take it. Take it. The rhino slowly lumbers to its feet and tries to turn around in the tight space, pinning Sam against the car. Hurry up! I think I hear someone!

Sam wheezes and smacks at the Rhino to get it to move. The Rhino barely notices. Sam throws the cabbage down. The Rhino shifts over to sniff it, trapping Sam in the rear of the car. Marcus! Marcus! Help! I'm stuck!

Headlights appear through the cars. Marcus ducks down. Charlie pulls up in a cargo truck. The letters DEA are shoddily painted over in white like liquid paper. He pulls up alongside the rail car, parks and gets out. Where's Sam? He's in the car with the rhino. What the hell is he doing there? Even at the cabbage.

Neither notice the train has lurched forward. That was supposed to be from when the rhino was already on the truck. Hey, hey, hey. We're moving. I had to improvise. It was facing the wrong way. And now we have to-

We're moving. The train is not supposed to be moving. They look up. Shit. Charlie and Marcus take off running alongside the box car. Shit. Shit. Sam, just hang on.

Don't worry. Sam, just- No, fuck you and me, don't worry! I'm trapped behind the fudge maker of a mother-flippin' dinosaur! Stay with him, I'll get the truck. Charlie runs off while Marcus tries to keep up with the car. I'm running! I'm... running! I'm dying! Marcus reaches out and grabs onto the car's door handle. The momentum jerks him off his feet till he's able to catch up and grab on. Charlie drives up alongside.

Will one of you do something? Marcus, I'll hold her steady. Tell Sam to jump before the train picks up speed. Charlie says you gotta jump! What? Jump! I can't get around this thing! Sam tries slapping the rhino's butt harder and harder, but the rhino doesn't even feel it.

It just chews on the cabbage. He says he can't! Carla appears to him in a vision. Jam that thumb up the pooper, no matter how big they are. That son of a bitch will pop off every time. Tell him to ram his fist in his butthole as hard as he can! What?! Trust me!

China says you gotta punch it in the starfish as hard as you can! What?! Trust me! China says you gotta punch it in the starfish as hard as you can! I changed my mind! I don't wanna be gay! Sam hums and haws grossed out until he swings his arm back and rams his fist hard up the rhino's rectum. Freeze frame on the rhino. As it jolts up. Marcus swings out of the way at the last second.

The Rhino... ...breaks through the sidewall of the car. Charlie turns the wheel at the last moment, narrowly missing the Rhino. The truck rolls up on two wheels, inches from rolling over. Marcus and Sam leap from the train and roll into the dirt, kicking up a dust cloud a few yards ahead of the truck. Charlie holds a tight grip on the steering wheel. He jams on the brakes trying to process what the hell just happened. The Rhino takes off running. Oh no, oh no no no no no no no!

Charlie unbuckles, hops down from the truck just as Sam and Marcus catch up. They all watch dejectedly as the Rhino runs off in a cloud of dust. We're dead men. Wait, look! The Rhino wobbles unsteadily and... Wump.

It buckles, stoned out of its gourd. Perfect. Now how the hell do we get Andre the Giant here on the truck? They all look defeated for a beat. Then suddenly we hear the... Wump. Wump. Wump.

Of propeller blades. They all look up to sea. A camouflaged Huey helicopter. A harness drops to the ground above the Rhino. Knowles leans out the side and gives them a thumbs up. It's okay. They're with me. Exterior, highway, day. The cargo truck cruises down the expressway.

Its rear suspension is completely shot. And the back edge of the truck scrapes sparks along the asphalt with every bump they hit. So what exactly were you going to tell us that the Feds were involved? and the back edge of the truck scraped sparks along the asphalt with every bump they hit. So what exactly were you going to tell us that the feds were involved? I couldn't. I couldn't. They said that they'd arrest all of us if I told them. They were playing you! They want us to turn on each other. You can't fall for the mind games. Look, I'm sorry. I've been an asshole. And I know it all.

And a killjoy. Okay, you're right. Look, whatever happens, I just want you guys to know, I would never turn on you. Not me. I'd leave you both on a hot second for the right piece of ass. They all mutually agree on that. Fine. Fine. I admit it may be my fault we're in this mess. Okay, definitely. I guess I just, I just was

really hoping I could pull this off for the three of us. Like we dreamed about when we were kids. Our own private hideaway. Well, maybe it's time we all grow up and stop hiding. Sam spots something in the side mirror. Uh, guys? Looks like we got company. A black SUV pulls up alongside. The passenger, a tough guy in mirrored shades, motions with his pistol for them to follow. He found us.

Its license plate reads Satan. Cut 2. Exterior, Finka hideaway, later. They reach a large gated compound flanked by guard towers. A guard with an Uzi approaches the window and yells at them in Spanish to get their hands up. Then to Charlie to roll down his window. Suban los manos.

Suban los. Delivery for Mr. Escobar? The goon heads around to the rear of the van and opens it to see the stoned rhino. The goon motions to the guard to let them through. We're there. Cut to exterior, Escobar hideaway, courtyard, day. Sam, Marcus, and Charlie pull into an open-air courtyard.

Charlie looks around and clocks two armed guards on a balcony. The large wooden gate closes behind them, through awkward smiles and clenched teeth. Charlie, I hope to hell you know what you're doing. Just stick to the plan. Right, the plan. What was the plan again? The doors open, out walks Pablo, back in full mobster form. Hey, Charlie! You made it back. Alive. Color me impressed. Do you have my package?

I held up my end of the bargain. They open the back of the truck to reveal the rhino. Pablo steps forward, delighted. His eyes well up. Bites his fist. Dios míos. She's beautiful. Okay, you got your rhino. Now let Lucia go. Escobar wags a finger and a henchman steps up holding Lucia. Charlie! Lucia!

You are a man of your word, nevertheless. The henchman puts his pistol against the back of Lucia's head and cocks the trigger. But you said that if we got you the Rhino... True, but technically I'm supposed to be dead, and since you all saw me, no bueno. Is this the plan yet? The henchman hands Pablo his pistol. He pointed at Charlie. Pablo!

I don't hear killing! Wait! Wait! I know what it's like. We know what it's like convincing yourself that you're happy because you have everything you could ever want. You still feel like something is missing never pursuing your true passion because somehow life had other plans maria barges in holding her dog what the fuck is the hold up you go what you

want it now finish it sam steps forward only living to try and please others never being true to who you are living a lie to make other people feel comfortable. Why are we all monologuing? Pablo, shoot them! But Pablo can't hear her, not when finally he is seen. Trying to live up to other people's expectations instead of setting out on your own with the courage to make mistakes.

Never feeling free to be me. Pablo lowers the gun. Ay, puñeta, for the love of God, for God's sake, fuck, imbeciles. Maria moves to grab it away. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Pablo yanks his hand back. The gun goes off and, blam, the henchman nearest to him

falls to the ground dead. Pablo shakes his head, turns on Maria. See what you made me do? I am sick of you constantly micromanaging me. From now on, I'm not a sailor. I'm a captain! I'm a captain!

I'm a captain! Did he just quote La Bamba? He's out of roll. Go with it. Lucia, capitalizing on the distraction, grabs the Uzi from the dead thug. Charlie, run! And opens fire on the other henchmen on the balcony. I'm not leaving you!

Wait, did we miss a line at the bottom of 103? He's on a roll, go with it. Oh, I said it. No, he said it was there. Never mind. You might want to follow along. No! No! At least I wasn't. You might want to follow along. No my God, it's even big bold writing

and I can't even even go. It's our captain still. Okay, now we can go home. Lucia expertly takes out another henchman sending him over the railing to the ground in a cloud of dust. Two more henchmen come running out. Lucia turns to fire, discovering she's out.

Enoo! Lucia drops the gun, discovering she's out. Enooo! Lucia drops the gun and holds her hands up as the two draw down on her. Come on out, Charlie. It's over. You may not have lived like a man, but you can at least die like one. The guys all step out with their hands up. Pablo Escobar! This is the United States Justice Department. We have the place surrounded. Lay down your weapons and surrender immediately. That's the plan!

Well played, Charlie. But this changes nothing. Pablo Escobar does not surrender! Everyone cocks their guns when suddenly... The Rhino. It stumbles out of the truck, clearly still stoned. It turns to Pablo and his men on Hinchman. He raises a rifle.

Pablo stops him. What's the matter with you? Kill it! The Rhino charges. Everyone scrambles in terror as the Rhino goes on a rampage. Consider this a divorce! Maria looks genuinely shocked. What?

What? But, darling, what did I do? Why? Off screen, in the distance, automatic gunfire can be heard. I will no longer continue to let you use up my manhood. Then allow me. Lucia straight arms Pablo, knocking him flat on his ass. On Maria, she grabs a gun and turns to fire on Lucia when the rhino butts her, sending her flying.

All heads turn to watch her soar through the air. The Rhino breaks through the courtyard doors and keeps on running. Noles and Martinez bust in with their guns drawn, followed by several other gun-toting DEA lackeys. Freeze! DEA! Nobody move! If you say freeze, nobody move is implied. Duh, that's why I said it. Noles and Martinez see Charlie and Lucia standing over an unconscious Pablo.

Good work, people. And remember, this never happened. As the feds pour in taking charge of the situation, Lucia sweeps Charlie up in a heartfelt embrace. Thank you, Charlie, for not giving up. And thank you for being the reason I came to Columbia in the first place. heartfelt embrace. Thank you, Charlie, for not giving up. And thank you for being the reason I came to Columbia in the first place.

In a statement issued by the Colombian president today, candlelit vigils around the country are being held to honor the 11th anniversary of the death of infamous drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, ending years of torment for the people of Colombia. Exterior, Jeep, driving, day. One year later, a military Jeep races through the jungle. It pulls sharply off the path onto a paved road.

They pass a couple shoulders who patrol the road on either side of them. Soldiers, shoulders, shoulders. Shoulders. They passed some shoulders. A couple of knee caps. It pulls sharply off the path onto a paved road. They pass a couple soldiers who patrol the road on either side of them.

The guards give a thumbs up. The road takes us to a large gated checkpoint. The jeep stops. A guard comes out and is handed a metal briefcase. They salute each other as the guard takes possession. Interior, hallway, day. The guard knocks on the door. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Effie, it has arrived. Come. The guard opens the door and enters into Interior Office Continuous. A modest looking office with a wide oak desk. the man behind the desk with his back to us turns in his leatherback chair and we see that it is Charlie dressed like Mr. Rourke from Fantasy Island. Thank you, Jason.

The guard leaves. Charlie opens the briefcase where inside he finds a copy of his new novel. The cover depicts a white rhinoceros. The title reads, El Cantador. Charlie flips it over to see a black and white photo of himself looking a bit like Indiana Jones. There's a sticky note attached that reads, Happy Rebirthday, TC. The sound of a walkie-talkie squelches. Charlie, where are you?

On my way out. Exterior Resort Day. The villa has been modernized and expanded into a full-blown resort. The grounds are buzzing with workers beautifying the grounds. Exotic flowers and topiaries are everywhere. Charlie comes out and waves to a gardener shaping a shrub into a giant rhino.

Looking good, Dan Diego. Para servirle, Don Carlos. An assistant comes out to greet Charlie. They do a walk and talk through the resort beneath a wrought iron sign that reads, paraíso mío. Exterior, paraíso mío continuous. I rescheduled your four o'clock with the developers like you asked, and the Secret Service sent

over a gift basket with a check for damages. They're interrupted by Marcus who approaches holding said gift basket. Marcus wears reading glasses. Can you believe this shit? Who sends a fucking fruit basket to a tropical resort in Colombia? Public Relations is your department, amigo. Better handle it before it turns into another international incident.

Please. Like anyone would find out. Are you joining us? Someone's gotta run the joint. Marcus goes back into his office. Everything is set up on the observation deck as you requested. The assistant smiles and takes her leave.

Charlie looks over to see Lucia, sunning herself by the pool, sun kissed and fabulous. Charlie, you promised you wouldn't spend the entire day working. Just one final thing I need to take care of and then I promise I am all yours. All mine. They share a long passionate kiss. Intusus. a long, passionate kiss. Mmm.

Intusuenos. Hehehehehehe. Charlie crosses past a hot tub where Sam is enjoying a fruity cocktail with Philippe, his French lover. Looking good, Sam. Feeling good, Charlie. Hehehehehehe. Exterior, Peraíso Mio, observation deck continuous.

Charlie walks up a few steps to a gorgeous terrace overlooking a spectacular vista of waterfront property. Charlie sighs and takes in a deep breath, soaking it all in. Come on, Dad! We pan over to see Ben standing with a bungee guide. Charlie throws up an apologetic hand and takes off his jacket. The guide clips him into a harness. You sure you want to do this? Oh, are you kidding?

I live for the shame! As Charlie goes over the edge, fade to black. The end. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

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