Table Read - SuburbaKnight - Act 3

Episode Date: September 4, 2026

SUBURBAKNIGHT: Act Three Walter Knope has spent most of his life avoiding confrontation. That is about to become difficult. Walter, Samantha and Bobby Joe cross the street armed with a sword, a crossbow, a mace, a revolver and one deeply impractical suit of medieval armor. Richard is waiting. So is the rest of the neighborhood. Inside Richard's house they discover the party has evolved into something considerably less HOA-approved. Music. Neon. Blood. An orgy full of succubi. Richard sitting above it all like Satan's sexiest homeowners association president. Samantha asks where her daughter is. Then shoots Richard through the eye with a crossbow. It barely slows him down. Written by Nick Bannister, SUBURBAKNIGHT reaches its gloriously unhinged conclusion as Walter's fight to save his family becomes a full-scale supernatural war over everything he thought he had already lost. Richard separates them. Walter gets beaten nearly unconscious. Samantha is pulled into a seductive nightmare built from everything she thinks she wants. And Bobby Joe does what any legendary demon hunter would do when confronted with actual demons. He runs. Unfortunately, Richard isn't finished with him either. Bobby Joe finds himself inside the greatest fantasy of his life: back on the set of Terror Vision, surrounded by beautiful women telling him he's brilliant. Even Bobby Joe eventually realizes something is wrong. When the illusion breaks, he finds Mia. Or at least something wearing Mia. One conveniently placed antique mirror later, Bobby Joe finally discovers that some of his monster-movie bullshit may actually be useful. For perhaps the first time in his life, Bobby Joe Williams earns the title: Demon Hunter. Mia is safe. Her parents aren't. So Bobby Joe locks her in his van and goes back inside. Walter and Bobby Joe reunite, fight their way through Richard's newly demonic neighbors and discover something hidden beneath the perfect suburban house. A passageway. An underground chamber. And portraits proving Richard has been doing this for centuries. At the end of the tunnel, Walter finds Samantha. Richard has already gotten to her. Now Walter has to do something harder than fighting a demon. He has to remind his wife why she loved him in the first place. College. Their first night together. Bringing Mia home. Losing his father. Twenty years of marriage, mistakes, resentment, forgiveness and everything that somehow survived underneath it. For once, Walter gets the words right. And Richard discovers that a disappointing middle-aged husband with an antique sword, a pissed-off wife and a washed-up horror host can be surprisingly difficult to kill. What follows involves swords, guns, fire, a full-size demon, one extremely unfortunate anatomical injury and Bobby Joe's panel van. Because sometimes saving your marriage takes work. Sometimes it takes therapy. And sometimes it takes blowing up an incubus. Starring Darin Toonder, Jim O'Heir, Jade Tailor, Jack Daniel, Rob Fitzgerald, Logan Laurel, Emily Brolin, Ashley Platz, and Zeke Alton. Produced by Table Read Podcast and Manifest Media Productions, LLC. Executive Produced by Jack Levy, Shaan Sharma, and Mark Knell.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Behind every night spent making the kids' lunches, there's a lot of suspense. Will they finally eat the veggies? Will the pasto survive the first bite? Will the lunchbox come home empty, half full, or come home at all? And will you finish episode 8 before you're done slicing the cucumbers? Get Bell Pure Fiber Internet with Craved Netflix and Disney Plus from $94 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on internet with a two-year term and auto pay credit. Visit bell.com for details and to check availability.

Bell, connection is everything. On the new podcast Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinero and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

If your bookshelf and your for-you page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice and love island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions.

Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast, Hollywood Handbook. Each week, we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers

and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time, and no one gets mad at their publicists for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, Adam Scott, Danny McBride, Ben Stillard, and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to the Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Previously on Suburban Night. All right.

Welcome back. I'm your handsomer than a sex demon host, Bobby Joe Williams, and this is Terror Vision. And we are watching the soon-to-be cult classic Suburbanite. Boy, and Walter thought those things couldn't get any worse, huh? Hoop boy. After he finds out his next door neighbor is a full frontal demon from hell, He still gets dragged to dinner with the guy.

I tell you, those suburban niceties will get you every time, and that's why I live exclusively in trailer parks. Anyway, it seems like Richard doesn't really feel the need to hide his secret from Walter at the barbecue. Seems kind of like a cat playing with its food before it, well, fucks it and eats its soul. Regardless, Walter realizes he's out of his depth and needs to consult a professional. And who does he turn to? Well, none other than your favorite redneck with the highest rated cable access late night horror movie review show for viewers 18 to 49 at 8 p.m. in the greater to Milwaukee region. And parts of Sbooggin.

But my feet was too high for Walt, and because I wasn't there to stop him, Richard tried to put the whammy on Walter's wife, Samantha. But it seems like their marriage is a lot stronger than Walter realized. realized. Maybe Samantha really does love him unconditionally. And the real problem in their marriage wasn't his beer belly or his thinning hair or his fallen business or all the junk in their house or even his flaccid member. No, maybe the real issue all along was his self-confidence. And he sure seemed to have plenty when he put on that suit of armor. It wouldn't have fit me anyway. My biceps are too big. Of course, this is all after Mia, their daughter was kidnapped by Richard. It's really great to see those kids working together after all this time. We'll have to wait

and see if they're tough enough to get the job done. Though I'll tell you, I wouldn't want to get on Samantha's bad side. I can tell you that much. All right, let's do those Terror Vision totals. We got three dead husbands. That's one video game murder, one golf club murder, and even one boiling cauldron murder. We got one severed weiner, one charred weiner, one eaten weiner. Hold on to your wieners. We got two demon breast, one severed demon head, and one absolutely fucking impractical suit of armor.

We're going to find out how that works out next. Stay tuned. Exterior Richard's House Knight. Walter, Sam, and Bobby Joe Williams approach Richard's front door. Bobby Joe reaches into his inside jacket pocket and removes a flask. He gulps down a mouthful. He offers a sip to Walter and Sam. Walter struggles in the suit of armor but manages to take a sip and hands it back.

It's smooth. Walter's suit creaks loudly with each step. You think he knows we're coming? Walters every step creaks and grinds. Bobby Joe looks him up and down sideways. Probably. They approach Richard's front door. Walter reaches out to ring the doorbell, but Bobby Joe grabs his arm.

What the hell you think you're doing? Ringing the doorbell? We can't go through the front. That's just what he'd expect. Well, what then? We'd go through the back door. He'd never expect that. What if he knows that we know not to go in the front,

so he's done stuff to go in the back? All right, we'd go through the front. He'd never expect us to do something so stupid. Sam looks at Walter. So he's an idiot. Walter raises his hand to knock, but the door creeps open on its own. You know, in my movies, that's always a really bad sign. They head inside.

Interior, Richard's house night. Walter closes the door behind them. There is the faint sound of music inside. You hear that? Walter's armor clangs loudly with every step. Walk louder. I'm not sure he can hear all the noise you're making. They round the corner.

In the main part of the house, they find the source of the music in lights. An orgy. Like a giant fucking orgy. Baved in music in neon. The whole neighborhood is here. Diane, Nancy and Karen, and their husbands, Andy, Steve, Bill, and Allen. And more, more couples we haven't met before. Dozens of them.

Fuck! Holy shit! Oh man, this takes me back. The trio walked through the sea of entangled bodies. Richard sits in an ancient throne-like chair at the top of the stairs. His face remains hidden, only the hint of his more demonic features, but his eyes glow red in the darkness. Smoke billows around him, bathed in red and pink light.

Walter, Samantha, see anything you like. Bobby Joe looks at the orgy surrounding him. Only now does he see everyone is covered in blood. Walter and Sam follow his gaze. Crash soons, female sex demons, suck you guys. by, feast on their male victim's corpses while others fuck the male parts. What the fuck? You people were real.

I just thought there was some fantasy foreplay thing. Keep your fucking money. Bobby Joe throws the mace to the floor and runs for the exit. What? Get back here, you coward. Bobby Joe slams the door behind him. Sam turns to Richard. Where's my fucking daughter?

Richard stompes down the stairs as he speaks. Close up. His cloven hoo. pound the wooden stairs. Oh, she's here somewhere. You know, I've been so busy with all the unsatisfied housewives in this neighborhood I had forgotten, oh, what's the word?

The stanima of youth. Did you say stanima? The stanina. The pronunciation. The stammerana. Wait a second. What's happening? Is that really steamin? What did I say?

You said stamina. You said stamina. You said stamina. You basically said Panama. You basically said Panama. Yes, you did. Yeah. We're looking to recast.

Stamina. Stamina. Yeah, full circle. Stamina. All right. Jim, where's that bagel plate? A hurtful person. We're still not getting paid.

All right. Oh, she's here somewhere. You know, I've been so busy with all the unsatisfied housewives in this neighborhood. I had forgotten. Oh, what's the word? The stamina of youth. You piece of shit. Richard stands before the three of them.

Samantha fires the crossbow at near point-blank range, right through Richard's arm. He spins once, then collapses. Walter blinks in surprise. Well, that was easy. Richard stirs. He rises to his feet and yanks out the arrow from his eye. Walter and Sam watch horrified at the grotesque hole where his eye used to be. That wasn't a very neighbor.

The house goes completely dark, silent. The smoke around Richard glows. His eyes pop up and in the darkness. His red eyes glow. He growls. Walter. The lights come back up. Richard is gone, as are many of the succubies surrounding them

and their male victims. Music and neon lights blasts through the house. They look around, disoriented. Richard is behind them. Sam fires the crossbow. The arrow hits Richard straight in the chest. It doesn't face him at all. He yanks the arrow out with a sloop.

Ouchy. He smiles and pokes at it, sticks his finger in the hole seductively, and wiggles it around. Walter yells and charges it, Richard, with a sword. Yeah! But he trips running up the stairs in the suit of armor. Richard graciously helps Walter back to his feet. There you go, buddy. Look at you.

You're doing so well. Richard casually pushes Walter backwards with one finger. Oopsie. Walter tries to balance, waves his heavy metal arms, before he slowly tilts backwards and tumbles down the long flight of stairs, losing several pieces of the armor on his way down. Richard stumps down the stairs towards Sam, his one demon eye glowing red.

He smiles to reveal the row of pointed fangs. Sam loads and quickly fires the crossbow again. Richard catches the arrow, indifferent. He breaks it with one hand. Please, Samantha. She backpedals. Richard stalks after her as she loads another arrow.

He rushes at Sam. In the blink of an eye, both hands are on the crossbow. I thought we really had something, Samantha, a connection. The only thing I'd like to connect is my fist to your face. Sam swings the crossbow and catches the butt of it on Richard's jaw.

He rolls his eyes. Richard grabs the crossbow and tosses it across the room. It slides under a chair in the living room. Walter gets to his feet, charges with a sword, raised high. Richard turns and faces Walter as he brings the sword down. Richard dodges the slow swing easily. Richard punches Walter in the chest. Walter flies down the entire flight of stairs. Bits of his suit break off and scatter across the floor on impact. The chest piece has a huge dent in the

center from the blow. Walter lies there for a moment, motionless. Walter! Walter groans and tries to stand. Can't. That blow should have stopped your heart, Walter. Those medieval ironworkers really knew their shit. Walter lies with a bloody nose. The helmet spins on the ground beside him. Concussed. The world goes fuzzy as time slows down.

Walter. I'm just going. That's okay. Walter. Walter collapses, unconscious. Sam rushes to his side. Walter. Walter!

She shakes him, but he's out. Samantha. Interior. 80s dance club night. Samantha looks up and realizes Richard is gone, and that she's no longer in the house. Instead, she's in the middle of a dance club, but it's a modern-day Elizabethan masquerade ball.

Well-dressed aristocrats wear 80s workout gear and masks, but dance like they're in a Jane Austen movie. Sam looks down. Walter is gone. Her clothes are also different, nightclub attire. Samantha looks around, confused. She's surrounded by dozens. of dancing people, a dense crowd, difficult to get through.

Their identities remain hidden. Walter? Richard moves through the crowd, wearing a mask of his own, watching her. He's normal again, human. Finally, her eyes find Richard. He removes his masks so she can see him. Their eyes lock for a long moment. A dancer moves in front of Richard, and he vanishes.

Sam looks everywhere. She fights through moving bodies. Richard circles her hidden among the crowd. The crowd parts like a wave. Richard is there. Their eyes meet again. He approaches Sam and wraps his arm around her waist. Without words, they speak volumes with their eyes.

They dance to the song, never breaking eye contact. Their faces inch closer, nearly close enough to kiss. Somewhere deep in the crowd, Sam sees Walter standing in the crowd, but in an instant he's gone. Sam looks around as the undulating bodies that surround her begin to enclose tighter. Samantha becomes more and more disoriented by the world she is in. All these people and Richard front and center. She breaks free, swims through the sea of people.

Richard is there again. She turns, runs now, still he is there. In his human form, his eyes begin to glow that demonic red, but now they pulse growing brighter each time. The dancers surrounding the pair stop and stare. The club grows darker and darker. The music fades until only Richard and Samantha remain in silence. Richard becomes a shadow before the intensity of his glowing eyes.

Samantha's face is awash with a color red. Her eyes glaze over like milky cataracts. The glowing red embers get brighter and more intense until it is all that remains. Exterior, Bobby Joe's van, night. Bobby Joe scrambles to his van, but stops when he sees the hood. The steel is mangled. What the shit? He raises the hood.

The starter cables have been ripped out. Oh, that's just great. Interior, Walter's house, night. Bobby Joe races through the front door in Walter's house and holds it behind him. Jesus, tap, dancing, fuck. You're racing through the front door, so maybe a little more energy, a little more hurry, a little more. Okay. Jesus, tap, dancing, fuck.

He panics. Okay. Okay, okay. Think, BJ. You're Bobby Joe fucking Williams. You beat herpes. Twice. How are you going to get out of this one? Bobby Joe looks up, see something we don't. What the?

Inside Walter's living room, all the junk from the shop has been cleared away, and Bobby Joe's Terror Vision Studio has taken its place. Interior, Terror Vision Studio. The busted old RV, the fake grass and television. television set, the case of beer, the torn up old couch, it's all here. The studio is alive with crew, the normal hustle of a TV set full of activity. A female PA grabs Bobby Joe by the elbow and leads him onto the set. Mr. Williams, there you are.

You're due on set. We're rolling in five, four, three. Wait, what? We're not shouting today. She plops him down on the lawn chair and backs away. Action! Bobby Joe stares blankly at the camera. Uh...

Cut! Perfect. The female PA returns as the director ushers the rest of the crew off set. She leans in close to his ear. That was the most amazing performance I've ever seen. I mean, it was nothing. She pushes him back and climbs on top of him. I don't know why, but you're acting.

It just makes me so hot. She kisses him passionately. Well, I do have that effect on people sometimes. Still on top of him, the director comes over and looks down at Bobby Joe. That was great. Your best work yet. A group of beautiful female fans comes over and leans down to talk to him. Oh, Bobby Joe, that was incredible. I'm your biggest fan.

I want you so bad. Their faces fill his view. All right, all right. Which turn, ladies, there's plenty of BJ to go around. The studio lights pop off one at a time. as the rest of the crew abandons the set. The girls on top of him take off their shirts. Well, he now.

They kiss his neck and chest, swarm him. Hold on a sec. There was something I was supposed to do. Fuck me, Mr. Williams. Me first. They continue to kiss him all over. Their hands run all over his face and through his hair. It's overwhelming.

I want you. I want you more. Okay now, just come on. Don't you want us? We want you so bad. Oh, okay, cut it out, girls. Please, Bobby. I said stop.

Bobby Joe pushes the girls off himself and leaps out of the chair. Interior, Walter's house, night. Bodies fly off of him and hit the floor hard. Three female succubis skid her backwards up the walls into the shadows until they've all vanished save but one. A young woman in a silk dress curled up in pain on the floor. It's only now Bobby Joe real. realizes he's back in Walter's living room.

What the fuck was that? And who the fuck are you? Mia. She wears a new outfit, something silky, that shows off her curves. My name's Mia. Mia? You... My mommy and daddy.

Oh kid, I got bad news for you. They're over there with that thing. You mean you're... Alone? Hey, what are you doing here? How'd you escape? She climbs to her feet. still turned away from him.

He can't see the calculating look in her eyes. I ran. She moves about the house, runs her fingers along the piles of junk. Listen, we gotta get out of a dodge. Calling the boys in blue, the National Guard Marine, something. Where's your phone?

She finds the landline and tips it over onto the floor. Oops. Hey, what are you doing? Mia finds an old record player. She sets the needle down on the spinning record. Hey, kid, there's no time for a dance party. We gotta...

Mia turns to him and dances seductively to the music. She runs her hands over her hips, along her breasts, and up her neck. She unties her dress and lets it fall to the floor, barely able to conceal her breasts with her arms. Well, we might have a little time. He tries to shake the cobwebs loose. No, we can't. I mean, I can. I definitely can. Countless time.

But no, you're just a... She moves closer. to him, wraps her arms around his neck, presses her breasts against him. He turns his face away from her. She turns it back and kisses him passionately. No, we, you! Mia pushes him against the wall, wraps her bare leg around him. She kisses down his neck. He doesn't notice as she takes his gun and tosses it behind her. Bobby Joe turns his head, deep in the throes of passion, and sees a large ornate mirror propped amidst a junk pile. His eyes widen in shock as he sees the reflection in it.

Pressed against his body, a demon covered in black fur and pointed barbs, horns hidden amidst a head of matted hair. Bobby Joe is horrified. He pushes her off him. What's the matter? Don't you want me? I got paper cut on my dickhole, lady?

He points to the mirror, and the succubus inhabiting Mia's body quickly becomes infatuated with its own reflection. It turns from side to side, checks out all its features, runs its hands over every inch of its body. Mia screams. Bobby Joe looks from the demon's reflection in the mirror to the naked girl that stands in front of it. The reflections don't sink.

What's happening? The demon realizes something. It bangs against the glass of the mirror, trapped. It screams and howls, eyes glow bright red. It claws at the glass. What this. Bobby Joe grabs something off one of the shelves and throws it at the The mirror. The mirror shatters into a million pieces. The scooms of the demon fly through the quiet house before it dies off somewhere in the distance. Bobby throws a blanket around me here.

Who are you? His big moment. I'm Bobby Joe fucking Williams, Damon Hunter. Aren't you the guy on that shitty TV show? His bubble bursts. Come on. Bobby Joe grabs her by the arm. Exterior, Walter's House, Knight. Lobby Joe leads Mia out of the house, now with clothes on. He pulls her towards his shitty van parked at the curb. What are you doing? Get the hell out of here. What do you think? You can't! My parents are still in there.

Hold on. Wait a minute. You want to go back in there. You're Looney Tunes, kid. He'll kill both of us. Well, he'll kill my parents if we don't. Kid, ain't enough money in the world to get me go back in there. She yanks her hand free. Well, I'm going. Alone if I have to. He marches toward Richard's house. She pauses, turns. Loser.

Mia stomps off. Wait! She turns back to him. If we do this, we need to go in prepared. I got some stuff in the van. He opens the van's rear doors. Mia walks back and checks it out. She sees it's just a mattress, some empty red bull cans, and porno magazines.

There's nothing in here. Bobby pushes her into the back of the van and close to the door. He shoves a tinderline into the handles, seals it shut. You fucking dickhole! Mia bangs on the doors. Bobby Joe turns back to the house. Don't worry, kid. Be jail handle this.

And ignore those magazines. They're just research for a part. Bobby Joe walks on while Mia continues to slam her fists against the van doors. Exterior, Richard's house, night. Bobby Joe stands in front of Richard's house. It's even creepier than before. Fog rolls over every corner. A biting wind sways branches that scratch at the windows like claws.

What the hell you doing, Bobby? He takes the flask out of his inside jacket pocket and takes a big drink. All right. Time to punch the clock. Bobby Joe forges on, up the porch and inside Richard's house. The door slammed shut behind him and seals him in. Fade to Interior, Richard's House, Knight. Walter stirs at the foot of the stairs He groans loudly holding the back of his head

Samantha glides to where he lied Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't say Sam I just was groaning It was so dramatic Walter stirs at the foot of the stairs He groans loudly holding the back of his head Oh Sam

Samantha glides to where he lies She wears different clothes now A flowy black nightgown Walter, it's all right She holds his head tenderly, rests his head against the floor again. Sam, you're all right. Richard, is he... Shh, shh.

Walter, you don't need to worry about him anymore. What do you mean? I'm here, baby. You don't have to worry about anything anymore. She kisses him deeply. Sam? Another Sam appears in Walter's view as he lies on his back. What?

The second Sam kisses him. Then a third. A fourth. The four Sams caress and fondle him. It's overwhelming, but Walter is confused, lost in the embrace. His eyes start to go fuzzy, nearing unconsciousness again. Suddenly, the front door slams open. A towering figure stands in the entryway.

The spell is interrupted. The four demons on top of Walter look up and screech at the man. Hey, see, bitches! The four demons scurry away, crawling along the walls before they disappear into the dark corner. into the dark corners of the house. Bobby Joe runs to Walter's side. Hey kid!

Bobby Joe smacks him once. Then very hard a second time. Ow! Oh good, you're not dead. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Walter struggles to his feet with Bobby Joe's help. Walter grabs the sword off the floor. Where's Sam? I thought you had her.

I don't. She was here. Walter remembers what really happened. Wait, whoa, whoa. He took her. Okay, we have her. to find her. Walter looks around while Bobby Joe helps him to his feet. You good? Walter's legs go wobbly, but he catches himself. No, no, I'm fine. You, you check upstairs. I'll check down. Why do we have to split up? It's faster. It's a good way to get me killed. Okay, fine, fine, we'll stick together.

Downstairs work for you? The two of them searched carefully through the house, ready for something to jump out and kill them any moment. That book you showed me. And tell you how to kill this thing? Yeah, about that. Walter stops. You don't know how to kill. with a book on movie monsters. I just really, really needed the money, all right? You washed up, Hank. You dragged me into this, man.

I never said I was some kind of monster expert. Walter Blinks. Yes, that's exactly what you've been saying the whole damn time. I just say what they tell me to say. I don't even watch the movies. They continue to argue. Cutaway, a clawed finger flips a switch on an amplifier. Disorienting synth music blares through the house.

The light shut off. replaced by pink and purple strobe lights. What the hell? Nancy, Diane, and Karen appear before the duo. Demons and pastel active wear, shrouded in fog and geled lighting. Walter and Bobby Joe feel their presence. They glared each other, then slowly turn around. But they vanished.

The jogger demons appear behind the two men again. Their demon eyes glow red in the dark. Bobby Joe reaches in his pants for the gun. Walter clutches the large sword tighter. Bobby Joe draws the gun, but Demon Karen backhands him across the face before he can fire. He hurdles backwards. The gun sails across the room. Bobby Joe groans and rolls over. He notices the crossbow that slid under there, grabs it.

Demon Nancy grabs Walter by the throat and lifts him in the air. Where's Sam? Bobby Joe stands and fires the crossbow at Demon Nancy. It sails right through her throat. Blood gushes that she chokes. She turns and looks at Bobby Joe before she collapses to the floor, dead back in her human form. Walter rushes to Bobby Joe's side. Karen and Diane see Nancy's corpse.

They hiss at Walter and Bobby Joe. Bobby Joe chucks the crossbow and picks up the mace he dropped. Not my first four-way. Really? Now? You take the ugly one. Before the men get their bearings, the demons attack. Karen tosses Walter as a little.

side, then rushes at Bobby Joe. He avoids a swipe of her claws and swings the mace. It annihilates Cairn's face. She collapses. Back in her human form, her jaw ripped off. Stunt training for my film Redneck Zombies 3, the South Revenge. Not the time! Diane, alone now, screamed.

She grabs Bobby Joe by the throat, wrenches his wrist until he drops the... Bobby Joe punches her in the face, but she barely feels it. He smiles, He smiles apologetically. She digs her sharp claws into Bobby Joe's shoulder. The pain shocks him. He screams as blood flows down the shirt.

Bich, I lock that shirt. Walter charges brings the heavy sword down. Her arm is severed, Bobby Joe falls to the floor, the hand still wrapped around his throat. He tosses it aside. Diane looks at the bloody stump as it gushes black ooze. She looks at Walter and screeches. He winds up again and swings the heavy sword before she can attack.

Her head goes flying. It hits the floor and rolls a few times before it lands right side up. It blinks a few times and looks at the duo, screeches again, spits up and more black ooze. Bobby Joe drops the mace and looks around for something. He finds it and picks up his gun. Diane screeches again. Bobby Joe silences her, blowing a whole. in her demonic head.

Her skull explodes. Messy. Are you all right? Fine, kid. Just a flesh wound. Bobby Joe notices the bloody gash on his shoulder. Oh, okay, yeah. I need to go to the hospital.

Yeah, look, you don't have to stay. This is my fight. Oh, shut up, kid. We're almost at the big climax. Walter extends his hand. Bobby Joe takes it. And I know something about climaxes. They look at their handiwork, see two corpses.

Hey, where's the other? Ugly one. Interior, kitchen, night. Walter and Bobby Joe follow a trail of blood into the den. They approach the door under the stairs. Yatsy! Walter counts down quietly. All right. Three, two. Wait, are we doing this on one like it's three, two, one go? No, on one. Okay, so just so I'm sure, it's three to go. Oh, for fuck's sake, one! Walter throws open the door expecting a fight, but the room is empty. What? Bobby Joe points at the floor,

a trail of dark blood leads into the closet and disappears under the back wall. Look! Walter and Bobby bend down to get a closer look. From this angle, they see a cloud of dust illuminated by a faint light that emanates from behind the wooden slats of a false back. Bobby Joe pokes at the DIY back.

It gives a little. Walter pushes it back further and slides it behind the false backing, revealing an ancient stone-walled stairwelled stairwell. well lined with lit torches. Creepy basement. Check. Walter and Bobby Joe head down to the stonewalled stairwell.

Interior stairwell. At the bottom is an ancient wooden door. Beneath it, a new doormat that reads, live, laugh, love. Interior, underground tunnel. The door opens to an underground chamber. Lit torches line the walls. Walter grabs one and carries it with him.

This is new. No. This is a whole. Very old. Bobby Joe runs a finger across the stone. Old is bald. I am definitely bringing this up at the next HOA meeting. Walter and Bobby Joe head slowly down the long chamber.

Along the corridor, every few feet, hang various oil paintings, from centuries old, up to more recent. Walter approaches the first one. The painting is of a well-dressed gentleman of European nobility and parade armor, cloaked in a green velvet cape, his arm resting on his gold and silver-end-dorn helmet that rests on a table covered in more velvet. The man in the painting, it's Richard,

looking as young as he does today. Walter looks at the nameplate, portrait of Richard Lancaster III, 1574. Jesus. Hey, beat your feet. A light comes from the end of the chamber. I see something, come on. Interior, underground chamber, night.

Walter and Bobby Joe entered the underground church in awe. Walter see Samantha on the altar. Sam! Walter hands Bobby Joe the torch and runs to Samantha. He lifts her head up, but she remains unconscious. Bobby Joe searches the chamber. Grab her and let's get her out of here. We can't. Look!

Bobby Joe takes a stock, or... He takes a stock of Samantha and Walter. He takes a stock. Bobby Joe takes stock of Samantha and Walter. Is she all right? I don't know. Samantha. Richard's voice seems to come from... from everywhere in the chamber. Away, away.

Bobby Joe and Walter stand ready. Awake. Samantha's eyes pop open. They glow red. Where the hell is he? I don't know. While Walter and Bobby Joe search for Richard in the dark chamber, Samantha rises behind them.

She stalks toward them. Her teeth grow into long fangs. Bobby Joe and Walter feels something behind them. They turn. Samantha snarls at them. They both scream. I might have jumped that. Samantha swipes her claws at Bobby Joe,

tears into his chest, he falls backwards. Walter stumbles backwards, bumps into the stone altar. Sam pushes him into it. Sam push... You like that? Into it. It was a choice. Sam pushes him on...

Sam pushes his stamina into it. No. Just about, I was this close. I was just about to sit. You beat me to it. Beautiful callback. Always, always appreciated. Oh, thank God.

Sam pushes him onto it, then jumps on top of him. Sam, you're alive. More than I have been in a long time, Walter. She leans back, still straddlesome on top of the stone altar, runs her palms along her hips and breasts. What has he done to you? Sam leans in closer to Walter. He gets an up-closed view at her demonic visage.

opened my eyes She grabs Walter by the shirt Sam lifts him up His feet drag the floor between her legs Until they hang above the floor She walks Walter back And throttles him against the stone wall The sword clangs to the floor

Bobby Joe Still on the ground Clutches the wound on his chest A shadow looms above Hoves stomp over to him He looks up to see Richard standing over him Howdy Ha ha ha ha ha

Oh shit. Richard grabs him by the hair, yanks him to his feet, and throws him across the chamber. He stands and watches Sam and Walter. You should be proud of yourself, Walter. Few can resist me as long as her. Her love for you is stronger than I expected. Well, we do go to therapy. Samantha squeezes Walter's throat.

Oh, what have you done to her? I only gave her what she wanted, Walter. These women, their desires, they're so. So unfulfilled. I merely filled them, if you know what I mean. Oh, you asshole! Ah! Sam squeezes his throat tighter.

If their husbands could attend to them the way I do, their flesh would never crave mine. Passion, Walter. They yearn for it. I give it to them. You are passion. I'll give you passion. Walter grabs Samantha by her demon face and kisses her deeply.

She steps back, confused. Walter gasped. Remember, Sam, the night we met at that thing in college? You didn't want to go home, so we just sat in the car, and we talked until the sun came up. And then my battery died, and we had to call a tow truck. Walter walks toward her as she backpedals, afraid. Or when we took me home after she was born, and you didn't sleep for a week, and we thought we were going to lose our minds, until we put on Pantera in her crib, and she went right to sleep.

I mean, really should have taken that as a war of a sign, right? Demon Sam's anger fades. Tori. Confusion and tears fill her eye. Or when Dad died and you... You were so amazing, and you put everything else on hold so that I could... I don't know. Just honor his memory or whatever the hell I thought I was doing.

You weren't even all that mad. I mean, you know, a justifiable amount of mad when I filled our house with his junk, and I know you knew it was because... Well, because I didn't want to let him go yet. Walter looks Sam deep in her eyes as it all spills out. I know it wasn't always easy being married to me, but no one has ever meant more to me, Sam. No one has ever meant more than you do. You are my best friend. You make me want to be a better man, a better father. That's not something he could ever be. I love you, Sam. Sam looks away. When she looks up at him again, her face has returned to normal. She's back.

Oh, Walter, I love you. She grabs him and makes out with him like a teenager. Touching. They make out some more. Richard clears his throat. I guess I'll just have to kill both of you then. You know what? You're a dick, dick.

From behind, Bobby Joe swings the mace again. This time, however, Richard casts it. Too slow? Give me a break. Walter rushes Richard, but he brushes Walter aside like nothing. He crashes into Sam, and they both fall. Richard tosses the mace aside and grabs Bobby Joe by the throat. Don't I know you from somewhere?

Oh, you're the guy on that shitty TV show. I'm Bobby Joe fucking Williams, steaming on her. Monster Slayer. If you kill me, you'll have to answer by millions of devoted fans, and hurry up with you, kid. Richard turns. Walter runs the sword through Richard's chest. He drops Bobby Joe, who grabs at his bloody wounds. Richard looks down at the sword in his chest, shocked.

His face fills with anger. He howls into Walter's face, blowing him back. Walter yanks the sword out of Richard's chest and swings it again. This time, Richard catches it. This sword's junk, by the way. Richard breaks it in half with one hand. He grabs Walter by the throat and lifts him into the air. It's not junk. It's an antique.

Sam grabs the broken sword and slices off the hand holding Walter by his throat. The severed hand turns into a pile of snakes that slither away. Hey kid! On the ground, Bobby Joe slides the revolver to Walter. Walter grabs it and unloads several shots of Richard chest. Enough! Richard projects his energy through the entire chamber. The three of them are blown backward and gape in awe as Richard screams.

Two in normal. The enormous wings grow out of his back. The horns on his head catch on fire and burn like a fiery crown. His hooves stop closer to them. His two-foot demon dick dangles between his furry's ghost legs. Perfect. Now you die! Sam grabs the gun from Walter and aims for Richard's head.

The flower! The stinky flower! The what? Walter gets it. He pushes Sam's hand south a bit. She aims for his dick and fires. his giant demon dick fucking explodes it takes a moment for the pain to register but once it does oh boy

Richard collapses to his knees as blood squirts out onto the floor he moors back to his human form close up Richard tries to put the mangled pieces of his blown up dick back together oh god what have you done oh no Bobby Joe takes out his flask and gulps down another sip Walter notices and snatches it out of his hand dowses it all over Richard

please Walter I only wanted to get laid, you know. Dick, get fucked. Walter tosses the torch at his knees and gulfs Richard in flames. Richard screams in agony. The walls of the chamber shake. One of the columns collapses.

Bobby Joe, Walter, and Samantha book it out of the underground chamber, into the hallway and up the stairs into the main house. Richard continues to scream in agony. His screams echo he transform into his full demon self, black wings with an enormous wingspan, black horns that curl around his head, a mouthful of long fangs, black spiky fur. The chamber crumbles around him, columns fall, burying him.

Interior, Richard House Knight. Upstairs, the trio race out from the basement. The house falls apart around them. Exterior, Richard's House Knight. Walter, Bobby Joe, and Samantha jump out of the front door just as it collapses. A cloud of dust develops them. They cough. I guess that's how you kill one.

I guess he couldn't bury it. Go out living without his dick. I can't really blame him, I guess. I don't know what I do with that little Bobby Joe. They gape in awe at the wreckage of the house. Oh, damn. I never got to ask him the name of his interior decorator. The three of them laughed.

Sam. It's cut short. There's an explosion beneath the rubble. A dark figure launches into the sky and lands in front of them. Richard. His wings outstretched but charred and burnt. His skin the same. Eyes glow with flame-red intensity.

His full demonic visage, he stomps toward them. You dare. You are nothing to me, Walter. You are but a blip on my way to eternity. Richard's demonic face fills with shock just before Bobby Joe's white panel van plows over it. The van door pops open. Mia falls out. She gets her bearings, sees her parents. Sam and Walter race over to her. What happened to you?

I don't really remember much, except I woke up naked with this guy. Who saved me? I tried it did. Possessed, she was possessed, and I saved her. Sam walks over to him. He takes a step back, fearful of a punch to the face. Instead, she wraps her arms around him, hugs him tight. Thank you. Bobby Joe blushes. It was nothing. Oh, ow.

Okay. Hospital. Sam and Mia lead Walter back towards their house. Sam and Mia help Walter. They head towards home. Sam, wait. What is it? I know how to save the store. Bobby Joe hangs back a second.

Watch as the last bit of Richard's house crumble. Drive in total. One dead motherfucker. Interior, Walters Antiques and Curio Day. Superimpose weeks later. Close-up on TV screen, Bobby Joe, back in the studio in front of his trailer, sends off another schlucky horror film. Those driving totals are six ditties, five dead bodies, and one exploded dick.

Man, my speech is tied just thinking about it. My ratings for tonight's film Incubus of Death 3, The reckoning is a four out of a possible five cases of beer. Four little cases of beer appear on the screen. Oh, and one last thing you might have heard my name in the news recently for slaying a real-life monster. Well, I'd love to take all the credit, but the real monster slayer this time is Walter Knope.

If you need anything, anything at all, to slay a monster or demon or even an incubus in your town, just head on over to Walt and Sam's monster hunting supplies in the Emporium. Use my name and I'm sure he'll slash his prices for you. And remember, kids, the drive-in will never die, and neither will I. We pull out now to see Walter's store filled with customers. Samantha takes their orders, beans with happiness. Walter leads Bobby Joe to the front door.

You know, I really can't thank you enough for the ad. You save the store. Oh, I think you saved it first, kid. Plus, your little rebranding scheme didn't hurt either. Yeah, you know, I guess I never realized all the bestsellers and dads collection. We're weapons. Hey, maybe you come from online or monster hunters. Walter digs in his pocket as Samantha approaches them.

He hands Bobby Joe a stack of cash. Here, it's everything I owe you, plus the emergency fund. You earned it. Bobby Joe looks at both of them for a long beat. Ah, keep it. Go on a second honeymoon or something. You need it. Walter and Sam smile at each other.

Well, thank you, Bobby Joe. Leslie. What? You think my real name's Bobby Joe. Leslie heads for the door. See around, kid. Leslie grabs the mace off a shelf. I am taking this, though.

Kind of liked it. He sees the crossbow and grabs it as well. This too. He opens the door and leaves. Close as it behind him. So, what do you want to do now? Hmm. I can think of a few things.

Walter looks at all the customers in the store. Mia, watch the store. Walter and Sam race to the back room. The door shuts. We hear laughter and sounds of pleasure. Oh, right there. Oh, Walter. Oh, boy.

Oh, Walter. Oh. That was quick. Well, it's been. It's been a minute. Interior, Bobby Joe's van, moving. Bobby Joe drives off in his shitty white battle van. He finds some Van Halen on the radio and cracks open a beard.

He sings along. Life is pretty good. We move to the back of the van slowly. Under a pile of clothes and trash and pornell mags, Diane opens her red eyes and snarls with her bare fangs. It's coming. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinero, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word Solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast, Hollywood Handbook.

Each week, we talk to someone in show business and try to help them with their careers and see what they have to offer us. Everyone has a good time, and no one gets mad at their publicists for letting them do our show. We've had a lot of great guests like Sarah Sherman, Adam Scott, Danny McBride, Ben Stillard,

and a lot of other big shots that wouldn't be where they are without us. Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive.

Listen to the Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your for-you page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks pride and prejudice

and love island deserve the same level of discourse. Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Our hometown is not a test tube. 90 miles northeast of Nashville, a battle for the future of America, plays out in one small town. Developers with right-wing ties have purchased hundreds of acres of land. We need cities on a shining hill.

This is Our Town, a podcast about what happens when a small town becomes the site of a social experiment and fights back. Guess you didn't move in on a bunch of dumb hillbillies now, did you? Listen to Our Town on the, iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.