Tara Brach - 2014-10-15 - Part 1 - Happiness

Episode Date: October 18, 2014

2014-10-15 - Part 1 - Happiness - The Buddha said that he would not teach about happiness if it were not possible to realize this experience of peace and deep well-being. In this three part series, we explore two kinds of happiness - that which arises out of particular causes and the experience of “happy for no reason.” The talks examine the attachments that block happiness, ways to “gladden the mind,” and the liberating presence that naturally expresses as pure happiness.

The following talk is given by Tara Brock, meditation teacher, psychologist, and author. Last weekend, I went to a memorial service for my father-in-law, and it was held at one of the oldest friends' meeting houses in Pennsylvania, Quaker. So quite beautiful, sitting in the silence and having different voices speak to who he was. and they spoke to the different ways who's a very active person in terms of serving peace and social injustice and great listener, a lot of beautiful qualities, but one that really stood out was compelling is what a happy person he was and how contagious it was. This isn't because he had an easy life.

He was in World War II. He saw incredible horrors. In fact, he was at the very end of the war crossing the wrong. in a boat with a number of other people, and he was the only one that didn't drown. So, like, great trauma and loss, and he lived his decades with injury from war and so on. His marriage wasn't an easy one. But he had this quality in him of really appreciating who he was with and appreciating life, which had kind of inspired me to speak about the whole realm of how.

happiness tonight. And it reminded me of a teaching from Tikna Han that I've always loved, which is, it's not enough to suffer. We must touch peace also, peace and happiness. So there is a misunderstanding of Buddhism that the religion's fixating on the suffering of our world. And yet if you look at the scriptures and the descriptions of the Buddha and his band of, monks and nuns they're very they're described as being quite cheerful as a matter of fact they're they're engaged in this spiritual adventure that felt very radical and very revolutionary and they're also involved with Sangha with a sense of community and a sense of serving and meaningfulness they're they're really quite described as

quite happy and what I thought I do is I brought tonight a card that I love of some Tibetan nuns that for those of you that that are here and we'll see if we can post it somehow. I invite you to come look at after class because it's one that when I'm getting grim I look at. So the talk will be, I think it's going to be three-part talk, but I don't know, we'll see what we cover. We'll be on happiness, really what blocks happiness, different pathways that allow us to connect

with really the appreciation and sense of being at home in our lives. that that's possible. And the gift of it is that we really live from more wholeness because happiness arises naturally when we're very present.

In other words, it's an innate potential or capacity. So we turn towards it or we look towards nourishing it not because we're grasping after happiness but because it's part of who we are to express and we can live more fully and actually serve from a deeper sense of wholeness when we've allowed ourselves to access that part of our being.

The Buddha said, I would not be teaching this if genuine happiness and freedom were not possible. And I love that quote because I think that's our doubt. It's like, well, maybe other people, but my biochemistry just isn't geared for it, you know. It's possible. And the more we pay attention to what blocks it and actually have a yearning to feel the fullness of what we are, that actually brings it forward. So I read to you a poem that's kind of a response to what many of us will probably recognize as a kind of grimness that we often have,

that we might know that happiness is possible. But when we get into our daily routine, it can be like we're trying to solve a problem all the time. You know, like we're always trying to figure something out. And this notion that life is a problem to be solved, if we watch our moment-to-moment way of behaving, we can see that we're constantly trying to navigate obstacles. So the poem, which some of you may remember from the poet Hafeus,

he writes, What's the difference between your experience of existence and that of a saint? The saint knows that the spiritual path is a sublime chess game with God and that the beloved has just made such a fantastic move that the saint is now continually tripping over joy and bursting out in laughter and saying, I surrender. Whereas, my dear, I'm afraid you still think, you have a thousand serious moves. And I'm curious. How many of you can sense that you move through

life and there really is that thousand serious moves going on? I see? Yeah, a lot of us. We're pretty, we take this thing pretty seriously. And in a way, I think it sums up our egoic trance that much of life, and a lot of it's unconscious, has this, premise that we're on our way somewhere, tough things are around the corner, we have to steal ourselves for them, we better prepare, if we're not prepared, something bad's going to happen, and we got to in some way defend or really push to make life work out. A thousand serious moves. So I'm trying to kind of get the lay of the land that we have these assumptions about life and they keep us kind of tight.

There's a saying that a truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And we know it. We get detours daily. Things don't cooperate with our idea on how it should be, right? Can we enjoy the scenery? So we'll do our first reflection, just kind of taking stock on this, just to invite you to check in a little, as we often do. And for many, that means closing your eyes and letting yourself

first connect with your body because we start listening and we can kind of go off into our head and forget our bodies and the reflection is really on your own happiness quotient do you experience well-being often

and by well-being that sense of this is this moment's enough quality of contentment at ease with what is appreciation see if you can just scan today, yesterday, the day before, without any judgment, just some curiosity. You might notice how much of the time you were in that trance of the thousand serious moves. Just to reflect when you

have those places of feeling well-being or happiness, what do you sense gives rise to that? Are you happy when there's some sense pleasure, some beauty, or something good to eat, or is it when there's a sense of engagement with what you're doing, or maybe good connection with others, a sense of accomplishment? Maybe you've discovered that happiness that comes with just feeling present, just awake. You can continue as we explore together to keep reflecting on how this relates to your own life. You can open your eyes if you'd like. The Buddha described two kinds of happiness, and one is a worldly happiness.

It's where there's moments of pleasure that is experienced through the senses, and the Pali word is Pomoja, this worldly happiness. And it's a happiness that's hitched to life being a certain way, that you're having a certain experience with a particular person, or certain activity or an accomplishment. So it's happiness with cause. And the second kind of happiness that the Buddha described is Sukha. And this is really the happiness that's not dependent on anything.

It's what's described as happiness with no cause, happiness for no reason. It's a place of freedom. So we'll look at Pomodja first for a little bit because Pomodja can either create an atmosphere that's really conducive to Sukha arising. In other words, we can experience worldly happiness. It actually inclines us towards that letting go and that freedom of deep happiness. And, as you might imagine, the worldly happiness can also be a contraction that turns into great suffering the way we pursue it.

So Pomodja, that conditional happiness. And sometimes this conditional happiness is really, really, really. fleeting. And that's when it's like a good taste or a great massaged or receiving the perfectly aimed compliment that just really lands well for you. You know, really? You're 63, you only look 61, you know. Anyway, so life's going our way. We're getting what we, we're getting something we've wanted, okay? And some of you might remember this story, a lady going to her priests and confess his father, I have a problem. I have these two parrots. They're females, and they only know how to say one thing.

When he asked her, well, what that was, she said, well, it's, hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun? And the priest goes, oh, my God, that's obscene. I don't know if he said, oh, my God, but he said, that's obscene. So after some deliberation, he says, I have a solution for you. I have two male parrots, and they're very, actually, they're very devout birds. They, they've taught them to pray and read the Bible. So bring your female parrots to, to my parents.

house and we'll put them in a cage with Francis and Job and my parrots can teach yours to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner. Woman says thanks, we'll do it. So she brings her two female parrots over and as the eschers in she sees the parrots inside their cage and they're holding the rosary beads and praying and trash she walks over with her two parrots puts them in a few minutes the female birds did their thing in unison. They cry out, hi, we're prostitutes. You want to have some there's a stunned silence. And finally one male parrot looks over at the other. Put the beads away, Francis.

Our prayers have been answered. So we all know it. We have things we want when we get what we want. It feels good for a bit. And it's often really brief. There's a lot of research now that watching the Super Bowl and your team wins, and this is especially for males. There is a surge in the biochemistry that relates to happiness.

It's not real long, but there's a surge, and sometimes it's longer lived. So there's types of pomoja where there's happiness and an accomplishment and it carries for some time or happiness of being in a beautiful setting or a creative endeavor like writing some poetry or listening some beautiful music, painting. So there's these kinds of happiness. And just to say that even though they're hitched to conditions, the happiness is hitched to conditions, Oh, I'm in a beautiful place. It can be quite wholesome.

Like the happiness, that gratitude that comes up when somebody's been really kind to you, when you're feeling creative or you're working in a garden and you're just feeling belonging to the elements. When held lightly, there's a sense of presence and openness that actually comes with that. You might remember William Blake's words to kiss the joy as it passes by, flies by. Okay? So Pomoja can be wholesome and it can be the energy that blocks to happiness. And we're going to spend some time with talking about how Pomoja this worldly happiness can

turn into attachment and really keep us quite small and blocked. And the given is we have strong conditioning to fix on certain objects in the world as this is what I need to be happy. It's in us to do that, certain vehicles where there's something we have to have to feel happy. Are there something that we totally don't want as long as it's around, we can't be happy? So if we do that inquiry that I often recommend, which is, what is between me and happiness? If we ask that question and we really sense what's between me and happiness, what interferes is that our attention is basically saying there's a belief that something's missing or something's wrong and we're fixated on that something.

That's what's between us and happiness, that fixation or that attachment. So there's some part of us when we're not happy that's demanding that life be different, insisting that life has to be different for me to be okay. This is what I'd like us to investigate together some. Because if you're not happy, something like that's going on. It says there's a wonderful now, no longer alive teacher from the Taravada tradition, Ajan Cha. And he'd be at his monastery and when he'd see monks

that he could see were having a really hard time looking really unhappy or depressed or whatever, he'd go up to them and look at them and say, hmm, must be very attached. There's something they're hooked into, either wanting or not wanting. Some of you might know Anthony DeMello, no longer alive, wonderful Catholic, teacher, mystic. and I was just reading a little book, a friend here recommended the last meditations that he offered before he died and in it he talks a lot about attachment

and talks a lot about if you could really see your attachments and really bring your attention to them, your awareness, they loosen their grip and then you discover the happiness and freedom that's here. And you give a metaphor of being at a concert hall and you're listening to a really beautiful symphony and you're really, wow, this is great. And then all of a sudden you realize

that you didn't lock your door at home. And for the rest of the time, you can't leave the symphony. You can't leave the concert? But nor can you really be there because there's something tugging because there's this attachment to wanting that to be different.

Okay? I think it's a great example. Or you might be at that concert and with a friend, but obsessing because you'd really hoped that you'd be there with this person that you wanted to start dating. And that's kind of interfering with the full enjoyment, the mind somewhat fixated.

Or you might be at that concert after intermission and really be judging yourself for having had that pastry during the break. So you see how we get divided and we get pulled off by our attachments so we can't really open to what's there? 150 or more years ago, William James, said we live in this ceaseless frenzy always thinking we should be doing something else. So there's this attachment. Something's missing here.

I need to be doing something else. Attachment, this sense of this next moment something's going to be there that's not here this moment. So again, with this metaphor that I've really kind of been enjoying, playing with it in my own life, with the symphony, the symphony of life, and that enjoyment of the symphony, and it means that we really have to open to the entire play of sound. And if we fixate and say,

don't like that drum, it's too loud, I really want more of the cello. That's going to cause trouble. You know, if there's not this willingness to open to how it is, we're going to get more and more fixated, pushing away the drum and hardening against the rest of the music. So preferences are natural. We might just like cello more. And that's that's fine. But attachments when there begins to be that fixation where the mind has to have it different to be okay. So we look a little more closely. Sometimes it's called if only mind. If only the drums are softer then I'd enjoy it. You know, if only, and we know them, if only I could lose that weight or if only I could have the right partner. Sometimes it's

very immediate like if only I could have another beer. I'd feel better. You know, it gets very, very, very tight. I remember years ago, this one was very relevant to me, a little cartoon with two seeming homeless-looking guys sitting on a park bench. One saying, I was making $100,000 a year, this is a long time ago. I had 75 people under me.

A condo and aspirinum was being considered for the Senate, and then I switched to decaf. So if only mind has, if I can only accomplish this or get this person to recognize me or have this possession or have my partner treat me differently or my child cooperate. You know, if only another person changes, if only I could change myself, if only I could get myself to exercise.

We all have if onlys. Some of them are really gripping and they contract their lives and some are more light. But when they're gripping, gripping, they make a difference. And one if only example, a man was absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him

one day by driving him 20 blocks from his house and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home, driving back up his driveway, there was the cat. He kept

taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, another right, until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife. Jen, is the cat there? Yes, his wife answers.

Why do you ask? Frustrated the man, answered, put that jerk on the phone. I'm lost in need directions. I'm sorry, and that was a silly one, but we all know that we have something that's stopping us. And if we can get in touch with our if-only's, we can begin to deepen our attention. And what we begin to discover when we bring mindfulness to if-only mind, the first thing we discover is that what we're wanting won't bring real happiness. In other words, we're regularly wrong about thinking that what we want is going to make a difference.

There's research on the relationship between wants and happiness. In 13 studies, I like this one, lottery winners are ultimately no happier than non-winners. Okay? 13 studies. Parapologics usually become as content as people who can walk. We anticipate good things happening will make us happier than we actually get, and the bad things will make us more miserable than they will. So the deal is we have a set point that many of you've heard of a kind of biological set point for mood.

And mood doesn't change over time if we get what we thought we wanted. It usually bumps up when we get what we want, and then it returns in about five months. I mean, that's really interesting. This is big things that we thought we wanted. So that's one thing is that it doesn't work. We're regularly wrong. One of the best examples of fortune readers

is with a new client and the client says, My husband won't talk about his feelings. And then she looks into her crystal ball. Beginning 2015, men will talk about their feelings. Women within moments everywhere will be sorry. Okay, so the first thing with if only mind is that it's never accurate, it's delusion. And the second thing is that while we're pursuing if only mind, fixating on what we want, we're not living our lives.

We're not here. We're not in the one place or the one space of awareness where we can actually experience happiness. You know, the Indian version of is when a pickpocket sees a saint, they see the saint's pocket. That's it. And there's a western version that I kind of like of an older woman in Miami on a park bench, very disheveled man and tattered clothing sits down next to her. She just had just gotten off a bus. And so she says, so, how are you? And he said, well, I'm just out of prison.

25 years. Oh, what were you in for? He says, murdering my wife. Oh, so you're single. You get the idea. Our attention gets very narrowed. Okay, enough examples of this. So if we look at the evolution of consciousness,

the egoic state is the, you know, thousand, probably 10,000 serious moves where we're in some way navigating, trying to pursue what we think is going to make us happy and avoid what's not going to make us happy. That's the egoic state. And that's part of our conditioning, to go for what's pleasant, to avoid what's unpleasant.

and it's the job of the egoic self. And because we keep evolving, we have the capacity to become aware of that and become aware of the suffering that's inherent in it. And that grows us. That motivates us to wake up out of if only mind, to say, okay, that's going there, but maybe that's not really the truth.

Maybe pursuing that, fixating on it, worrying about it, is not going to really help me. Won't make me happy. So as we continue evolving from this egoic state, what we discover is the possibility to transform our relationship with life. It's inevitable that there's going to be bumps. It's inevitable that we're going to get sick,

that we're going to get old, some of us, that we're going to lose what we love. There's a saying that pain and loss is inevitable, but suffering is optional. So the formulation for true happiness is evolution and consciousness is moving from this busy navigating to try to get what we think we want and avoid what we don't want to a very different, transformed way of relating to our moments. I'll read you a poem that I think describes it. really beautifully. In this choiceless never-ending flow of life, there's an infinite array of

choices. One alone brings happiness. To love what is. One alone brings happiness. To love what is. This is Dorothy Hunt. So this way of relating, this transformed way of relating to life is guided by a very deep wisdom that these lives, we're really facing mortality, facing impermanence, really getting it and recognizing that the way to happiness is to shift the way we're relating to it, to open to the life that's here, to open our hearts

to exactly how it is. We're going to look at how we do that next, but I wanted to share with you this little story that was written by Peter Matheson, who died last year in one of his first most well-known books, a snow leopard. And in this book, he's visiting with the llama, who has crippling arthritis,

and who lives in this really isolated region of Tibet. And he's wondering how it feels to be this guy. He's kind of feeling his empathy. Like, what would it be like to know you're never going to be able to leave where you are because of your condition. So he decides he's going to ask him. He asks through a translator. Now, I'm going to read you some of what he wrote.

He says, the llama of the Crystal Monastery appears to be a very happy man, and yet I wonder how he feels about his isolation. He hasn't left in eight years now because of his legs, and he may never leave again. So he asks his question, you know, really, what's it like? And here's the response. This is what he writes.

He says, in this holy man of great directness and simplicity, big white teeth shining, laughs out loud in an infectious way at the question, indicating his twisted legs without a trace of self-pity or bitterness, as if they belong to all of us. He casts his arms wide to the sky and the snow mountains, the high sun and dancing sheep and cries. Of course I'm happy. It's wonderful.

especially when I have no choice. Especially when I have no choice. Matheson goes on to say he feels as though he's been struck in the chest with the power of this wholehearted acceptance. So this is the key. This is the shift from the egoic state that's busy navigating and trying to avoid things and get things to this freedom and this happiness that comes

that realizes we don't have a choice, not in the big things. And this intention and inclination to open our hearts to how it is. So we look a little more closely at how we do that. And the first thing that feels really key is to recognize we've got huge conditioning, a strong bias towards this kind of flinch response that when it's pleasant we want to hold on and when it's unpleasant, we want to push away. So it takes real purposefulness, intentionality. Which, again, it's not that we're grasping after happiness, but we're on purpose saying,

yes, I want to open to this potential. Of course I'm happy, you know, especially when I know I have no choice, that we want to open to that. So it's a kind of commitment where we're deciding on happiness. And I'd like to invite you do is check that one out for a moment by, this is another reflection for you, okay? Just to close your eyes and just to check in and notice what happens when you let yourself say, I want to feel happy. I want to experience that well-being that comes from full presence.

I want to feel happy. I want to feel happy. to manifest that potential that's right here of deep well-being. What happens when you try on that intention towards happiness? Just notice, again, with mindfulness, without judgment. Notice if it brings up the doubt of what's possible. Or does it bring up a question about deserving or a fear that you're being self-centered? What does it bring up some sense of excitement or openness to possibility?

What does it bring up? It's to sense, I have this aspiration to feel happiness, to experience this natural potential for joy, for well-being. There's been a huge amount of happiness research in the last decade. And one finding is that people who are happy intend. to find well-being. You can open your eyes if you'd like. I brought up my father-in-law, Ernie, the beginning.

Ernie was happy, and he was aware of wanting to be happy and wanting to enjoy his moments and glad that he could. He'd go out to, even in his 80s, he was going to this gym with seniors, and he'd come back and say, I met the greatest, new guy. And he was like so aglow at, he appreciated the people who was with, little things. He was intentional about it. So the first step is deciding on happiness. And once we've sensed our intention, that starts energizing presence. That starts gearing us. And the last many decades, two decades now of research basically affirmed that when we're in full presence,

the parts of the brain that correlate with happiness are activated, and afflictive emotions are deactivated. But, and here's the hitch, and here's where we're going to spend the rest of our time, doesn't happen often right away. That what happens when we intend to be happy, and we start becoming present, and we start quieting the mind a little, as we come into contact with all the layers of the pushes and the poles

that we've been basically governed by, all the wants and fears. So this is the layering of attachments. So in a way, the opening into happiness begins by us bringing a really honest and courageous look at our attachments. So the deal is not to perceive it as a problem, but more as this is where the transformation takes place if we can begin to bring attention to our attachments, we can begin to discover how to relate to our life

and let the ups and downs happen. I'll give you an example because you can't get rid of attachments. You can't try to vanquish them. If you do, if you're opposed to them, that's just another attachment, right? Does that make sense? Okay.

But what you can do is deepen your awareness. You can deepen your awareness in a very sincere and steady and committed way. So one of the... I have a number of attachments that I've kind of earmarked as, okay, this one gets in the way. This one blocks me from feeling joy in the moment. And I'd say one of the most irregular ones is my attachment of feeling prepared. I have this attachment to being ready for the what's next,

feeling like it's okay, I know the talk I'm going to do then, and I'm ready for this, and I've got my clothes ready for that. And there's a kind of control thing that I mentioned earlier for many of us, there's a sense that if we don't have ourselves prepared, something's going to go wrong, and there's bad consequences. So I'll be doing things like, you know, walking in the woods or on the phone with a sibling or meditate or whatever. in my mind, if it happens to go forward into the to-do list and the, oh my gosh, there might not be

enough time, I freeze up and I'm no longer enjoying the walk. I'm no longer present in the conversation with a sibling. My meditation is rolling forward into how am I going to get everything done. So I've tagged that. It's kind of, I've got a little bit of a title. You know, this is the, you know, be prepared attachment. And so I start, so I've been examining it. And this is over a number of years now, but just to give you a feeling for how we bring awareness to attachments, the first thing I'll do is just recognize, oh, that's going on, wanting to be prepared, feeling that, and then I'll go inside it and try to feel the attachment from the inside out, look through its eyes. And if I look through its eyes, it's

like I need to control. If I don't have it all together, I'm risking failure, I'm risking disappointing people, not being loved, I end up embarrassing myself, I'll be separate. You know, it proliferates like that. So when I experience that, I'll recognize and I'll just start breathing with it and bringing some compassion to it. And then really I'll try to view it through the wisest part of me and say, so what's the effect of my life of going into this? What happens when I go into this attachment to being prepared?

Well, I get fixated, I get tight, I get anxious, and I'm no longer present, and I'm no longer connected. I feel separate. So then what I'm finding is the very thing I'm ultimately attached to, which is being prepared so I won't be separate from the world, my attachment's creating separation. and that is the truth for every attachment. What we're wanting, what the attachment's wanting, it's preventing. I'm going to give you more examples, but when I see that, when I can see that the very thing I'm longing for,

which is to be prepared so I can feel love and connection and okay with everybody in the world, is actually being locked down by my addiction to preparing. when I can see that, something gets loosened. There's a little more space. There's more choice in how to pay attention. And then I'll ask myself a question that I often ask other people,

well, what would it be like if I didn't believe I had to be prepared to be okay? What would it be like if I didn't feel like I had to be prepared to relax and be all right with the world? And in that moment that I asked that question, because part of me knows the truth. I can feel this glimmer of, wow, there'd be a lot more creativity. There's this kind of bubble of excitement comes up.

Wow, so many moments. There'd be a lot of space and engagement and aliveness and more trust, a sense of, wow, I just rest and trust that it's really okay. So what happens for me is that it keeps on reoccurring, and I think this is true for most of us, but with less and less glue. More quickly I go, oh, that's the preparing thing. And I kind of feel it, and I say, well, wait a minute, what's it doing to me right now?

And it loosens up some. Well, what would it be like? Who would I be if I wasn't trying so hard to repair? Oosh. Not in this egoic self. Much more free. Let me give you another example that this is a couple of years ago, a man I met with at retreat and tell you what his attachment was.

His wife had a very demanding job, and they would plan times to be together and things to do, but often he had a reminder, and often she was late, and often if she was already at home, she'd be on her iPhone kind of answering one extra email or texting, and they'd get together a little later than they planned. and he was building up a lot of anger. He was attached to her changing her behavior. Basically, his belief was, I can't be happy if you don't change.

If only you would change, if only you would not be so busy, if only you'd create more time for me, then I'd be happy. Now, I'm sharing this particular example because it's so archetypal. I mean, it's such a classic one for so many people. So we investigated it,

I had him go inside the attachment, that part of him that believed that he couldn't be happy unless you changed and view the world from that place. And in that place, he got in touch with his hurt. So underneath the anger is hurt. That's not a surprise. He felt vulnerable. And the beliefs that were there was that he felt that he didn't matter as much as her work. Okay?

In some ways, I'm not being loved. And it left him feeling separate. So he was with that, with self-compassion. And I asked him to really investigate, what's it like when you're living with that feeling and belief, that you have to change or I'm not okay, this means you don't love me, and he says, well, it makes me feel really separate.

So here he was. He's longing, actually, to feel close and connected, but his attachment and the behavior of it is actually making more of a wedge, right? So I asked him to look through the eyes of his wisest inner being and say, what would it be like if you didn't believe that? If you didn't believe, first, that this behavior means I don't matter, that's a belief, and second, that you have to change how you're acting

for me to be okay. What would it be like? And he said he felt this sense of empowerment. Like his happiness was dependent on how she was acting. He gave away his power. He felt like, wow, I don't need her to change for me to be happy. I can be okay. That doesn't mean I don't have a preference, by the way, for her to change.

Okay? Strong preference. Really strong preference. But still, there's a difference between that and feeling, I can be at home in my life and you can be how you are. Okay. So this was really expanded. I mean, he could look at her with fresh eyes and get, she was a little bit living in the kind of thing I described,

always having to prepare and always making sure things were under control so she didn't fail. She was kind of in that. He could see it better and have more compassion for her. And this is what I found really beautiful. He said that it reignited his love for her because when he wasn't hooked on her being different for him to be happy, he could appreciate her again.

It's like when you're hooked on the drums and they're too loud, you can't appreciate the symphony. He couldn't appreciate her. It also allowed him to talk to her because he wasn't so attached. He didn't talk to her in a way that was angry and pushed her away and said, you know, I can feel this pattern of hurt.

It comes up when this happens. And it would make me feel better. I'm not demanding it, but it would be easier for me. It would be easier for me if this could happen. So he turned it into something where there was a request but not a demand. Much more possible for her to respond. Let me invite you to reflect.

I feel the most important thing now is that you get to explore this on how it may be so in your life. So just find yourself a way of sitting and bring your attention right here and into your body so that you feel the aliveness in your body. the movement of the breath. We begin to scan our lives and sense what's between us and happiness and you might notice where you might have an if only.

What are you waiting for, linking your future happiness to? Is it if only a person will change, treat you a certain way? If only you'll meet the right person. If only you are more financially secure then you could be happy. If only you were healthier, your body was different.

If only someone you loved was no longer in trouble or in danger, then you could be happy. What's the if only, and for most of us there are many, but what's one attachment that you might look at right now? An attachment means that you're attached to something being different, having more of something, getting rid of something. And feeling your intention towards happiness, this is a time to deepen your presence with this attachment. You might go inside it, as I described.

Whatever the want is or the fear is, something needs to be different. Go inside it. Maybe you can sense what you're believing. Well, if I don't look better, I'll never attract somebody, and I'll never have intimacy in my life. Or I don't get healthy, I can't exercise or enjoy my moments. Or if so and so doesn't change,

we'll never have the relationship that I want. What's the belief in feeling from inside the attachment? What's it like to believe that? What's the feeling of the attachment? It may be if it's attachment that you're wanting something really badly to happen. It's almost like you can feel your body. You might right now let your body take the posture of the attachment. If you're wanting something or craving something in your life,

you might sense you're leaning forward, you might sense a kind of tightening of the fists. What's wanting mind like? Feel free to experiment right now and body it a little. If you're wanting something different, somebody to change, something out of your life, you're attached to getting rid of something, feel the tension there, the pushing away feeling.

Just notice. now, with wisdom. What is it like? How does this attachment, this wanting or fearing, affect your body, your heart and your mind? How much of your life is being postponed or missed, considered not real life because you don't have it the way you want it? And here's the deep question. What would your life be like if you no longer believed you had to have something different? You had to have something more. You had to get rid of something, change something to be happy or somebody else had a change for you to be happy.

Give yourself the gift of sensing into that. Who would you be if you didn't believe that you had to have life a certain way? Again, sensing your intention towards happiness. Just to know that these attachments, even though they're strong are the very place of awakening and that if we can deepen our commitment to bringing curiosity and kindness to them, we can begin to discover more and more of the space of freedom.

We don't have to give away our power. We don't have to give away our moments. It's possible to be happy right here, right now. Just opening your eyes and we'll just take a few more moments. And the moments that we're listening to Life Symphony and we're not any longer believing, I have to go home and lock the doors in order to really enjoy this or have to be sitting next to the right person or I have restrained myself on the pastry. And the moments that we've let go of that, we can take in the whole symphony.

And in those moments it's all sorts of different tunes or songs or melodies. And we move through our life that way, that when we're no longer hitched to life being a certain way, life as it is is playing itself and we're here for it. We're available. Nietzsche puts it this way for happiness. How little suffices for happiness, the least thing precisely, the gentlest thing, the lightest thing. A lizard's rustling, a breath. a whisk, an eye glance, little maketh up the best happiness. Be still. How many of you

have noticed that when we're happy, it's simple things. It's not major things. It's not like we won the lottery. And if we really look closely, we start discovering that our happiness is not actually the thing. It arises from presence itself. So if we're enjoying the look of the leaves turning in the fall, that's lovely. And what's really making happiness possible is the space of presence that's there

to let that particular melody of Life Symphony play out. We're there for it. If we're there and notice the beauty of the clouds moving through the sky, or the sounds of a child's laugh, or if we're in the ocean and feeling the sensation and the waves, it's the quality of presence that makes any of these passing experiences one that are experienced as happiness. It's that background space of beingness. So I invite you to investigate this, that when you do have those spaces that you start noticing

ah, well-being right now, where there's some beauty or kind of, kind of, you know, or recognition of some simple thing in your life. Look for the background to that experience in your own consciousness. Explore what really is happiness. Discover the presence that's there. The theme of tonight is really a simple one that true happiness is not due to any externals. We think it is, and so we have to unhitch that through awareness. But it's really the quality of how we're relating to our moments, to the whole symphony. And this is the shift from a kind of egoic state that's riveted its attention on certain instruments in the symphony to a state of moving through life and really taking this life in as it is.

So we close in a simple way. We'll just close our eyes again. Take a moment with the simplest of meditation. just to let your intention be to love what is. And if love feels like too big a word, to open to, with gentleness, what is, bringing your awareness right here, feeling the movement of the breath, opening the senses, utterly awake, senses wide open, sound, sensation, utterly open, non-fixating awareness, saying yes to this changing dance moment by moment. Experiment and see how deep the yes can go. How deep the yes can go.

The words of the llama of the Crystal Monastery, of course I am happy. It's wonderful, especially when I have no choice, letting go of choosing a deep tender yes to whatever's arising moment to moment, sense for yourself what it means to love what is. And taking a few full breaths and feeling the intention to bring this openness, this receptivity, this presence as you open your eyes to the world around you, to move through this life with a receptive heart. Namaste and thank you. The teaching you have received has been freely offered.

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