Tara Brach - 2014-12-17 - Part 2: Intimacy with Life

Episode Date: December 19, 2014

2014-12-17 - Part 2: Intimacy with Life - This season is one of celebrating the light and love that is our unifying source. And yet at these times our society is being forced to face its deep patterning of racial oppression, amongst other expressions of violence. These two talks investigate the process of turning against ourselves and others, and how intentional and deep presence can heal the suffering of separation.

The following talk is given by Tara Brock, meditation teacher, psychologist, and author. Our last titled, Intimacy with Life, it's actually the name of the retreats we do here, and it comes from a Zen master who described that the very nature of enlightenment is to be intimate with all things. And it's an interesting reflection at this time of year, because these holidays, these holy days can be really poignant because there's meant to be a time of coming together and feeling our open-hearted connection and a celebration of life. And for many, it brings up a sense of loneliness if we don't have a lot of family or connection.

For some of us, I've talked to a few people, the poignancy of loss because people we love aren't with us. and then for huge numbers, all the reactivity that comes, historical reactivity, you know, they say that if you think you're enlightened, go home for the holidays, you know. And some of you might remember, this is slightly adapted for the season, but there's a story of an old man in Phoenix who calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you, your mother and are divorcing, 45 years of misery, it's enough. and, you know, son says, Pop, what are you talking about? You can't do that. But the father says, nope, we're doing it. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer.

And so call your sister in Chicago and just tell her. So it hangs up. So the son calls his sister and she says, you know, I'll take care of this. She calls her father and says, don't do a thing. You're not getting divorced. We'll get there. And my brother and I are getting tickets. We'll be there tomorrow.

Just don't do a thing. You hear me? She hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and he says to his wife, okay, they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way. All sorts of stuff comes up. So the word intimacy, I'd like to just take a few moments and ask you to reflect on what it means to you,

to really be intimate with another being, to be intimate with your child or your parent or your partner, And you might even close your eyes and sense just a moment. Recent or long ago, it doesn't matter, where in some way you were aware of the quality of what we might call intimacy. We really felt that. And for some, you might be reflecting and come to the sense of, wow, That's not much, that doesn't happen much.

And that's quite natural because for so many of us we do feel cut off. And you can keep on reflecting, and I'll keep speaking if you'd like to open your eyes, it's fine. But it's an interesting thing to sense when there's a quality of intimacy, what's really going on? What are the criteria? What has to be there for us to feel intimate? And I found it helpful to think of it. We often talk about the two wings of awareness, that you can think of intimacy as having the same two wings,

that to be intimate with another person are with our inner life. There has to be a quality of feeling seen or understanding. It's like, okay, I feel like you get me. Or I really can understand where you're coming from. or an understanding of our own being. There has to be a quality of seeing and understanding. That's one of the wings. And the other wing is a quality of allowing and accepting what we see.

And it's really, in its full flowering, it's love. So understanding and love. I'm inviting you actually to sense, does that resonate for you? There may be a lot of words that describe that, like a feeling of closeness or a feeling of being safe or relaxed, but just sense understanding and love, the presence of those two qualities. What I've found is when I ask around,

and I've talked to many, many, and I've known many people who are quite mature in terms of spirituality and their lives in an integrated way, and I've never met anyone who has, said relationships, ah, piece of cake, you know, no problemo. Nobody. I mean, everybody runs into, unless, I think, unless we're really free, completely free, to the extent that we get divided in an inner way where we turn on ourselves or not at home in ourselves, we're going to have that with each other. Does that make sense? So when we look at our makeup,

when we start looking at our human brain and nervous system, we can see how we have the wiring to feel separate. And now it's become very, very familiar in the culture that we have these different parts of our brain and the most primitive parts, you know, the reptilian brain and the mammalian brain. There's a perception of separation, and there's a sense of there's danger,

and then there's fight, flight, and freeze. And the mammalian brain knows how to grasp onto things and try to attach and how to find advantage. So there's a lot of organizing around a separate self. And the more we get organized around that separate self, the more that confirms there's danger and there's something missing. So that's a part of our makeup. That's just there.

It's just a given. And when we're really identified with those parts of our brain as a separate self, others are unreal others. You know, they're beings that can either be threatening or part of what gives us what we want. Okay. And as we know, we have the more evolved part of our brain, the frontal cortex, that actually has the capacity

for empathy and compassion, to collaborate, and to perceive belonging, that it's not separate self, it's us. It's a togetherness, a part of a web. And that allows us, instead of unreal other, to really move into that. Sometimes I think of it as the best expression of our more evolved consciousness is namaste. Many of you know, the word namaste, it's a way of, you know, I bow to the divine or the sacred that's in all beings, the light, that's in all beings. And then when we're really awake, when that frontal cortex is activated and the empathy and compassion is really happening,

there's a sense of being able to see past the mask that creates separation and really see that sense of unified consciousness and light. We can see deeply. So the big inquiry is how do we really wake up so that we're inhabiting that wholeness? and just to say that it's not just humans that have the part of the brain that collaborates and connects and cares and feels a sense of belonging. It's really there are mammals and all the different primates. A short little story for you.

So a man was lost when he was driving through the country and he tried the roadmap, didn't work. So he decided, you know, while he was looking at his map, he ended up driving into a ditch and getting stuck. duck. And so he had a walk to the nearest farm, and the farmer said, oh, Warwick can help you out of that ditch. Okay, so Warwick is an old mule. So I'll read you. The man looked at the haggardly mule and looked at the farmer who just stood there repeating, yep, old Warwick can do the job. The man figured he had nothing to lose. The two men in Warwick made their way back to the ditch.

The farmer hitched the mule to the car with a snap of the reins he shouted, pull Fred, pull Jack, pulled Ted, pull Warwick, and the mule pulled the car from the ditch with very little effort. I mean, it was amazed. He thanked the farmer, patted the mule, and asked, well, why did you call out all those other names before you called Warwick? And the guy's response was, and he grinned, he said, well, old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he's part of a team, he doesn't mind pulling. So, in a way, it's one of these silly stories with a lot of truth to it, that when we perceive ourselves as part of when we belong, we have the strength and the courage. There's these universal energies that flow through us when we remember our belonging. So most of us

can sense when we're in the grip of what I sometimes call it is limbic reactivity. We know when we're caught up in a kind of smaller self that's more mean-spirited and judgmental and competitive and defended. And we know those moments when something opens in us when there's a sense of awe or reverence or gratitude or tenderness. And we can feel that we're more at home. We're coming from our wholeness. We can sense the difference. I remember right after 9-11, so many people were fearing this vicious spiraling that actually happened of retaliation and global violence. And there was a wonderful Cherokee legend that was spreading through the internet at that time.

And it was of an old grandfather speaking to his grandson about what caused cruelty and violence in the world. And he described it that we have these two wolves in our heart. And one of the wolves is fearful and then therefore angry. And then the other wolf is understanding and kind. And so the young boy looked intently into his grandfather's eyes. He said, well, which wolf is going to win? And the response was, whichever one we feed.

I really, I like that story because there's a recognition that we, our hearts care. And if we care, we can very intentionally evolve ourselves. We can notice when we're caught in that limbic reactivity, and we can awaken our hearts. And I've come to understand that it's not about starving the fearful wolf and feeding the loving wolf. It's not like that. The fearful wolf is part of our biology and our psyche, and it's enfolded. It's like the limbic system's been folded, and there's a wiser, more awake wolf that surrounds, and that our way of waking up is actually to bring a kind, patient.

caring attention to the fearful wolf when it gets activated. So it's really not starving it. We're actually feeding our heart, waking up our heart by paying attention with kindness to the more primitive parts of our being. Just a little more on this evolutionary development that's helpful, at least I found it helpful to understand, which is that we lived as tribes a thousand times as long, us humans, as we've been in, you know, established settlements and communities and cities. And so that means that we were playing out the conditioning that comes with tribal life for a really long time.

It's very deep in our genes and our neuropathways. And the main adaptive survival strategies for tribes, the first, The first one is scanning for difference. In a flash, we're looking for difference because we're looking for a threat, people that are not like us. And then the second that comes right on the heels is to, because that creates us and them, is to make them wrong or bad. And that's part of creating social cohesion amongst the tribes, revving up the energy so there's a juice to fight and defend. So this is a big deal. In other words, to be considered human, and to really have that sense of human meant that you're a member of the tribe.

So anybody that's not a member of the tribe is less than human, which means you can violate them. We can kill or we can hurt creatures that are other. They're not like us. So something in us gets associated, and we can go ahead and be violent. So this is very relevant. because it really has been sustained. And over the last 5,000 years,

as we've developed more and more of the emergence of the egoic self with all our thinking and our beliefs, in some ways that us-them mentality gets more intensified because we have all these beliefs that keep on and thoughts that keep on in a kind of incessant dialogue, maintaining the story of who's good and who's bad and who's right and who's wrong. So it comes with a vengeance.

And how else can we understand what's going on really? Like, how could people do what they do to each other unless it's really an other that's an unreal other? And how could the Taliban have killed those children? I mean, you don't kill children unless they're other. They're just not real to you, right? How do we understand white policemen killing unarmed African-American men?

Other. not real. It's really, this feels to me like an essential place for really the healing of our planet to be paying attention. And I think it goes right to our personal lives, to be able to understand in our personal lives this tenacity of making other people wrong, of judging other people, and the tenacity of judging ourselves. Because when we judge ourselves, we're judging an unreal other inside, the bad self. It's divided. There's fragmenting. So the increase, is really, when we're hijacked by the fearful wolf, when we're in us-them, how can our spiritual practice help us to awaken to a sense of we, to that compassion and to that namaste?

And I want to share with you a story that really touched me on this. There's a book called Evolving Towards Peace, written by Jalaja Bonheim. And she shares a story. about a substance abuse counselor who work with people who had committed crimes and required treatment in order to not go into prison. That was his job. So this man, Justin, he's an African-American man in his early 60s, and she shares his favorite story of a client he worked with. So Justin's client was Andy, who's a white man who belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. And in their first meeting, Andy refused to talk. And he said straight out, he made it very clear.

He said, you're black, you're worthless, you have nothing to offer me. This is a waste of time. Justin's response is, well, whatever differences we have, I'm here to help you with the courts, and I promise you, whatever you think of me, I'll do my best. So why don't you tell me how you got into this felony situation? So that's the beginning of their time together. And as he describes it, it was really slow, but Andy began talking, and he was angry at a lot of people.

And I'm going to read you a little bit of what Justin said in the story. He said, I just listened and validated his feelings and ended that time by saying that the process would probably take a year of treatment and therapy and so on, and that I was going to support him. I was going to advocate for him through the duration. Okay, now I'd give you a clue before I keep reading, which is that, that Justin meditative type practice Tai Chi, Taoist, feeling of how to move with things that come at him. So that's a little bit of a hint of how he's able to work this.

So Andy's response when he said, he said, you he asked totally incredulous, you're going to advocate for me? Absolutely, I said, this is Justin's voice. That's what I'm here for. If for a moment you can put the issue of color aside, then we can work together. Afterwards, if you like, you can pick it up again, but somehow we've got to get you through this thing. He accepted this. He didn't like it, but he saw I had to, and over the next weeks, very slowly,

we started talking about the issue of race. We had many dialogues in which I, as a black man, accepted him completely for who he was. I didn't fight him in any way, nor did I feel any sense of defensiveness towards him. And increasingly, he saw that he didn't have to fight me either because I wasn't present as his enemy. That was a completely new experience for him. And this is Justin says. Normally we encounter Yang with Yang. If somebody judges us, we judge them right back. If they attack us, we attack them. Yet according to the Chinese tradition, the only power capable of overcoming aggression is Yin energy. This is the receptive, spacious force that the famous Tao Te Ching celebrates as the valley spirit. This is that openness and receptivity that becomes love.

in our society Justin said we don't understand the power of yin we think of it as passive or weak if you plunge your fist into water it won't fight you it will just yield and yet it's carved the grand canyon so actually water is the most powerful element of all just like it yields your fist you can disarm an attacker simply by getting out of their way and this is precisely and this is the author's words what Justin was doing in his work with andy instead of fighting him Justin kept encouraging Andy to speak his truth and express his feelings. And so his clenched fist plunged into the cool, calm water of Justin's acceptance. Andy could find no enemy and a bitter war came to an end.

Over six months, I repeatedly came to his rescue by talking to the probation officers and by acting as a kind of buffer between him and the system. I kept helping and encouraging him as he gave up drugs and gradually started forging a close. relationship. Eventually he got comfortable enough around me that we could actually laugh together and joke about things that were happening. And in the last months he told me several times he felt really good about our relationship. At the end of the year people who've completed the process and have overcome their substance

addiction have a sort of graduation ceremony in court. Normally they don't say anything. They're not expected to participate in any way. But Andy stood up. He said something, he had something important that he wanted to say. I want you all to know that I would never made it if we're not for Justin he began. Then he went on to say a lot of incredibly beautiful and touching things about our relationship that brought tears. Six months later, I ran into him again and he was still in that clean, positive space. To me, that was a beautiful illustration of the evolved, the loving, understanding wolf holding a space that was very, very healing for the fearful wolf. That story doesn't mean that if somebody attacks us, that we let them

hurt us. It's not the message of the story. And I want to say that because in these times, drawing a line in the sand saying no more, doing whatever we need to do to prevent harm is absolutely intelligent, compassionate, and necessary. And we can keep on waking up and connecting with that place in us that holds all beings in our heart. That's the possibility. If drawing a line in the sand means making more enemies,

it just keeps the violence going. But if drawing a line in the sand means no more harm, we're going to not put up with this any longer, and we keep in that process opening our hearts to understand and bring compassion to each other, eventually, as happened with Andy and Justin, be able to see the light, that's where the healing is possible. So this becomes very personal for each one of us when we recognize that we might, not be firing guns at each other, but we fire off judgments all the time. And if we want to begin to end the violence on earth, we have to work activism in the world and in our own hearts. We need to keep having that commitment when the fearful wolf, the judgmental part arises to really

respond with presence and kindness and clarity. So we're going to, in a few moments, do a meditation that explores that. But I just want to say that our meditation practices have the elements that can really awaken that the courage and presence that's necessary to begin to heal the inner judging part. And I just read about some recent research I wanted to share. I often get inspired by what's going on in the world of research. This one was a Stanford psychiatrist and bioengineer. And he discovered that he could, because they're beginning to find the neuro pathways in a very specific way that relate to empathy and love and stimulation of oxytocin, the chemicals of love,

and so on. It's very precise now. So he was able to shine a light through a wire into a mouse's brain and laid up and activate the neurons in that region of the brain. And when he would do it, when he'd shine the light and activate the part of the brain that has to do with love, all the mice that we're in this cage would start just being on each other, just trying to connect. They all sort of huddling together. It's just kind of an amazing image. And so you can almost see it's a little scary, the idea of, okay, we get the light shined into our brain and it activates different parts of us.

But the reality is that's what our thoughts do. That the way we pay attention activates different parts of our brain. Srinargarata, one of my favorite... Indian teachers no longer alive, said, when you're in conflict, just meditate on this. Just say, I am God and you are God, and that's it. Now, sometimes we can't jump to that, but we can take the first step, which is in meditation to pause, to step out of our thoughts, come into our body, and start breathing and feeling our hearts right here.

and other research has found that just learning to meditate to pause to come back actually and this is meditation from central Michigan University actually has an effect on racial bias that when we learn to slow down our thoughts and feelings all the automatic associations that get triggered up triggered off or disrupted so we're able to reduce this implicit racial bias that's in us and actually see past the mask. They did research.

They actually trained some people to meditate, and others not, and showed pictures and watched the associations that came up. Meditation, when we pause, helps us to see past the mask. It's the light that wakes up that part of our brain. So with that in mind, we'll do a brief reflection on where we get caught a little bit by the limbic system

and see if we can work with that. As you're sitting still, take some moments to scan your life right now, and notice if there's a situation that evokes what we've been calling the fearful wolf or the angry wolf, which is really where you get reactive, where you get stuck, and where you get judgmental, and to begin to move towards peace, to begin to light up the part of your being that has a lot of wisdom and so on, the trick is not to judge the judging. So just to know that can help.

Just to notice, okay, so this is where the more primitive parts of my nervous system are activated. This is the separate self-sense, the fearful or judging wolf. and the first deepening of attention is, you know, if you couldn't keep on judging, what would you have to feel that's under the judgment that's difficult to fear, to feel? What's the energy or the emotion underneath the judgment? Is it feeling threatened or fearful, hurt, anger, aversion? And just as Justin do with Andy, just let it be expressed and let there be space for it. You might feel in your body. What do you feel underneath that judging place?

So this is the time to offer a kind, clear presence to whatever emotion is there under the judgment. If you can offer actual care, some people just to put the hand on the heart, the light touch, and just say, it's like I see you, I care, I'm here, I'm paying attention to the judging place. So you're not adding judgment. to it, but you're offering a space of presence that's bigger than the judgment. You're enlarging yourself. For me, sometimes I offer forgiveness. It's okay. It's natural to judge.

Forgiven, forgiven. See how much you can let the light of awareness hold a space around the judging, around the emotion under the judging, so that you sense that who you are is bigger than the judging self. That's the trick. That's not really who you are. It's just what it feels like when your systems in fight-flight freeze. There's more. And see from that larger space, that caring, wise space, you can view the other person. So you're looking at them through your heart, through the heart space. Just see how that person might be vulnerable so that you're holding both of you, holding both of you in your heart space. Remember the words from Dorothy Hunt. Peace is this moment without thinking it should be some other way. Peace is this moment without

judgment, this moment in the heart space where everything that is is welcome. Opening your eyes if you'd like. So one way that we awaken, um, that we come to more intimacy is learning in a very dedicated way to sense the judgments that arise. There's one other pathway I want to mention as part of closing. Just take a few more minutes. And that is this pathway of really looking towards the goodness and the beauty that's here, seeing the light and the love in another being. last week before I came to teach I went to a vigil this is a vigil delegation of grieving mothers

ten mothers who had lost African Americans had lost their sons who had been unarmed and shot by white policemen and it was a very powerful experience and I was fortunate to be standing in a place where they would take turns speaking and I was able I was standing where they were kind of gathering. So I got to really just take in the energy of these women. And it was a very raw and intense experience, both the feeling, feeling the grief, you know, that these were all of our sons in a sense. And feeling and watching the, how the loss had moved them into these women into a place of incredible courage and dedication. to healing some great wound in our culture.

And I really got the sense, you know, because I've been in this place of, oh, the divisions are so deep, racism is so deep, the isms are so deep. There was in that moment of seeing the power and beauty and dedication of these African-American mothers that something in me said, well, maybe the mothers can do it. And then I realized it was really maybe that heart space that is really in all of us when we wake it up can do it.

So this second pathway, you know, in terms of working to awaken the wise and understanding wolf, is to really see that goodness and potential in each other and to call it out. So we'll do a final, just a few moments of sitting quietly, if you will. Just let your breath collect your attention. Feel the aliveness of your body and feel into the most sincere place in your heart, the part of you that longs to love and be loved, that in you which really cares about the suffering within each of us and within all beings. that in you which wants to really know the truth of who you are,

and to live from a place of truth and caring. Just take a moment to sense that and offer that bow of namaste to the light of your own heart and spirit. And then widening the circle, bring to mind someone in your life that's dear to you. And to see the light that lives through that being. Just look directly for that pure. that sincerity, what here she's like when expressing love towards you, or when happy, creative,

feeling a sense of wonder, just sense the purity of that being. And as you sense the light that shines through him or her or this being, how they are, just to bow again, Namaste, I see the sacred that lives through you. Sometimes just to say the person's name and say thank you. Mary Oliver says, so every day, so every day, I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth of the ideas of God, one of which was you. So every day, so every day I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth of the ideas of God, one of which was you. widening the field and sensing this heart space all of us sitting here

all who are listening in any moment beyond time and space this heart space this field that is really our awakened consciousness and sensing it including all of life everywhere as we close with a simple prayer

as we enter these holidays these holy days may we each be blessed to remember and live from the loving presence. That's our deepest nature. May we see through the appearances to the light that shines through all beings. May we vow to protect and honor and cherish all life everywhere. May there be peace on earth.

May there be peace everywhere. May all beings awaken and be free. Namaste and blessings. The teaching you have received has been freely offered. If you'd like to make a donation, learn more about my schedule or programs offered by the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, please visit tarabrock.com and our IMCW.org.