Tara Brach - 2024-03-20 - Do you feel Overwhelmed? Turning Stress into a Gateway of Awakening

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

Stress and overwhelm are spiking around the globe. This talk explores how we can practice with the arising of stress in ways that calm our body and tap our capacity for full presence, wisdom and love.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Namaste friends, welcome. A couple of months ago, I agreed to doing an event for a group of several hundred people and they first they did this internal survey because they wanted to decide what I should be addressing for them and they overworked. They overwhelmingly voted for the focus to be overwhelmed, to be how to work with really intense stress. So I figured this is a microcosm of our society and I wanted to explore it with you with this kind of deep inquiry of how do we convert our experience of stress into a really integral part of our practice. So it becomes a portal into true presence and homecoming.

And the request for this focus was actually quite timely for me personally. We had just gotten an eight-week-old pup right around that time. And of course, we're in total adoration. You know, the oxytocin has been flowing, it still is. Lots of loving. And she arrived during a season, as many are, that had quite a lot of demands for me. A lot of deadlines, talks I was giving, a lot of meetings, gearing up for another round of teacher training that I'm doing with Jack Hornfield, legal contracts, the whole deal.

So a lot of stress. And here we were with this puppy where, as those of you that have had new puppies know, like every 45 minutes, I was tearing outside trying to anticipate the next need to pee and so on. Then I'd go inside and, you know, try to finish writing a piece on, you know, mindful letting go or some such topic. So you get the idea. My attention was a bit fragmented. And as I share this with you, I get that this is an overwhelmed story of the word well compared to many overwhelm stories. It's kind of lightweight.

And since I was in a bit of a tizzy, you know, I had some real uptightness around the deadlines and I was muttering to myself, this is overwhelming, you know, I got curious. You know, I was just wondering, well, what's going on inside? So I started pausing in the midst more, and I could find under the speeding around and kind of the spinning and the fragmentation that there was anxiety, which of course is immediately familiar, this fear of failure, that I was going to fall short in the face of too much. And, of course, then there would be consequences. If I fall short, then I'll let other people down. in some deep way, lose connection, be rejected, not feel the same belonging. So we're going to return to this. I'll be inviting you to investigate for yourself what's underneath overwhelm, underneath intense stress, what are you believing?

But I want to first take a moment to widen the lens because there is a reason. So many of us are reporting overwhelm and that anxiety and overwhelm is spiking globally. Actually, there's a perfect storm of reasons, and seeing it makes it less personal, gives us more perspective. And part of it really comes down to the pace of change, whether it's technological or social or political or environmental. it's accelerating exponentially. And it's more than our nervous systems can integrate. I mean, past centuries, change didn't happen that fast. And related, there's such an information overload

because of technology and connectivity were always subject to the fire hose. So, in a very basic way, the atmosphere of society, You know, there's this existential anxiety. And we know it with climate change, with the dis-ease of our earth, and with the rise of authoritarianism, the global instability, the pandemics, which may not be front and center right now, but will be again. Now, in some cultures, arising stressors, when their stress, gets soothed by some sense of belonging to community. to the earth. But for many of us, for most of us probably listening, we're part of

individualistic societies really. There's an epidemic of loneliness. There's a lack of support systems and that is really unhealthy for social animals. The final thing I'll mention in terms of how come this global experience of anxiety and for so many overwhelm is that our society is what's sometimes described as perpetual growth society and the messages, the inherent messages in that are do more, accomplish more, generate more. And it's not new. I mean, I think of 100 years or more ago, William James, who described this ceaseless frenzy, where we were always thinking we should be doing something else. I don't know when I take that in, always thinking I should be doing something else.

How true that is, how there's this pull that on some level we're supposed to be doing something more and something different. And along with that, and this is really huge, is a very huge, is a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of, an undercurrent of voicing, I don't have enough time. Just again, sense that's true for you because for so many, one of the biggest tools for stress release is to check things off a list. You know, checking them off the list. And it leads to multitasking. I mean, I've shared this before, I just remember taking a shower and while I was taking a shower, planning a talk, of course it was probably on presence, and finding out that I was putting shaving cream on my hair.

My husband afterwards said it's really good, you just didn't start shaving. So, you know, always thinking we should be doing something else, multitasking, doing more. And so this social conditioning fuels anxiety. It fuels a sense of personal deficiency. And we go around having this idea of how life should be. We're always measuring things and thinking there's a gap between how life should be and what's going on, you know, how we should feel or how we should behave, or we should exercise or we should eat. We're always rating it and trying to improve.

there's that undercurrent of never enough. There's a story I love, and it goes like this, that the Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans, and that the French eat a lot of fat, and they also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine, and they suffer fewer heart attacks in the Brits of the Yanks.

The Italians drink huge. amounts of red wine and they also suffer fewer heart attacks. And it goes on and on. The Germans drink a lot of beer, they suffer fewer heart attack. You get the idea. The conclusion is, eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. So we can sense a bit underneath the overwhelm are these standards that we're supposed to meet. And for some it's very perfectionistic. And there's that sense of never enough, not enough time, striving, and it extends to really how we navigate spiritual life. I mean, fitting in our meditation. Some might remember the story of the novice who's entering the monastery and he's asking the

abbot, you know, how long will it take me to get enlightened? And the abbot says, 10 years. And the novice says, well, what if I try really, really hard? And the abbot says, 20 years. And he's offended and upset, wait a minute, you just said 10 years. For you, 30. You can feel our culture in it. And I share this kind of background because overwhelm, this high relief-resistant stress is very much.

in the atmosphere in our contemporary world. It's not personal. And when you're experiencing intense stress, if you can just keep in mind how many of us are breathing that same air and feeling that same experience, if it can shift from my stress to the stress, it actually is the beginning of waking up, of holding it with more perspective and having some more choices and how you respond. And I want to say that even if you yourself are not in the middle of a war are the target of violence, are dealing directly with climate catastrophe. Our nervous systems pick up the violence and the suffering. Our society breeds anxiety anxiety and stress. Bren Brown shines a helpful light, helpful for me on the word overwhelm.

And she says that when we tell ourselves we're overwhelmed, it's really telling our bodies, things are happening too fast, we can't handle them, shut down, shut down. So when we feel really overwhelmed, true overwhelm, we're not functional. You know, if you look up, up the word overwhelm, which I did. The middle English is Wellman, which means to turn upside down, meaning to engulf or submerge completely. The connecting notion is, and you imagine this, a small boat washed over and overset by a big wave. Overwhelm. And the other related phrase completely defeated. So, Bren says it's just useful to discern, you know, between, Is this really overwhelmed?

Like am I functioning, extremely stressed out? Or am I really overwhelmed? Because full overwhelm, it's like the freeze and fight-flight freeze and the trauma response, there's no agency. Like that overturned boat, there's no agency. And it signals a need for very full resourcing, grounding, finding a place of safety, often the support of others, a real break from stimuli. So you might just investigate for yourself and if you realize it feels overwhelming but it's

not full overwhelm, it's actually helpful to notice that and since there is some agency that this is a big stress, it's really predominant in my nervous system but there's some agency to respond. Okay, so let's look at how we respond to strong stress. And I'd like to divide it into two categories, two different meditative approaches. And one is to directly calm our nervous systems, to calm the sympathetic nervous system and there are external ways. of us has our own that works the best. I mean, for some it's talking to a friend that really

will be calming. Some people, it's music, listening to certain piece of music, others, walking in the woods. I mean, that's for me the go-to. I heard about one friend was teaching children meditation and described the strategy of one second grader. She said that when she was upset, she would put her hand on the heart of her dog, you know, and just feel that heartbeat, that calmed her down. Wow. There are many meditations. There's many ways of attending that calm and quiet the mind. And when stress, this is really important because it's important to quiet the mind because our thoughts are usually fear-based and they keep stirring up the body to feel that sense of, this is stressful, this is too much. So we want to quiet the mind and

the most common way to do it is to deepen attention in the body to the breath. So for thousands of years now and in current times it's just, there's been research that shows this. There are ways to breathe that directly impact our biological states and in particular ways to breathe that can calm us that can increase our heart rate variability and the main one is by lengthening the out breath. You know, it's based on what we do naturally when we're releasing emotional tension, we sigh. So I'd like to explore that with you right now. You might sense you're taking a few moments as the poet Martha Postalwaite says to create

a clearing in the dense forest of your life, to create a clearing in the dense forest of your life, a few moments to give yourself that gift of calming and quieting. And you might start, if you'd like, by if you can, if you're not driving or whatever, to close your eyes and let the attention go inward or lower your gaze. You might, as you do that, let yourself bring to mind a stressful situation. Some time when you felt that you were in the thick of demands, the tensions rising, had the feeling of overwhelmed perhaps if that's what you were thinking of it as high stress. And you might notice the thoughts that might be going on at that time of what you have to do,

of how much time you have, of the consequences of not doing things right. So you can just sense a bit right now of the stress state. and now letting that move to the background, bringing the breath into the foreground. And I invite you to practice breathing with a four part in breaths. You're taking the breath in in four parts and filling the lungs, holding briefly, and then a long, smooth out breath, either through your nose or your mouth, perhaps eight counts. breathing in in four parts, holding briefly, and then a long out breath, smooth and even through the nose of the mouth, eight counts, breathing in in four parts. So you fill the lungs, holding

briefly, and then that long out breath, and sense with the out breath what wants to let go. So you can begin to let go through the shoulders, the hands. hands, the belly, breathing in in four parts, holding and with the out breath, letting go, letting go of thoughts, letting go of anything you don't need, tensions in the body, letting go. As you continue with the letting go, you might explore, letting there be a slight smile to the mouth, letting the eyes soften, perhaps even imagine a smile. at the heart, continuing to sense what wants to let go with the out breath and finishing this final round, allowing the breath to resume in its natural rhythm. And just notice the quality of presence

that's here, resting in that presence. So this is something you can explore in your own in any moment. I often do it when I'm going to sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, you know, it helps me to go back to sleep during pauses when I'm stressed out in the middle of the day. Like one day the first week of Nikki being with us, I took her out to pee right before I had a Zoom meeting. She didn't have to go so we walked inside and she immediately peed out on the rug. I got out my enzyme cleaner and then charged up to the office when I was done. But before going online, I did this breath just five rounds.

state changer. I'll share with you that she is right now by my feet and if you see me pause and start breathing in some different way, it just means she's nibbling on my ankles. She's right now sleeping deeply. Okay, so in mindfulness training, we often anchor with the breath. We focus on the breath to calm to quiet or it might be a body scan or listening to to sound, it's quite helpful. And the real awakening, the real freedom comes through deepening presence. In other words, if all you ever did when you got anxious was paused and did a conscious breath technique, you'd have a tool and you'd have a bit of relief, but you'd have a continued identification with a very solid sense of an anxious self fending off what might be too much, that

there's trouble lurking around the corner. So that's an important thing to know that calming techniques are helpful, but they don't in a very deep way free us. This tension against our existence, it really keeps us from fully living the moment, from bringing our hearts to what's right here and now. So when we encounter overwhelm or high stress, it's good to calm and we need a pathway of deepening attention and presence in a way that really frees us. You might remember this classic story first shared by Ticknat Han, where the Buddha would be offering teachings in fields outside villages, and Mara, who is the God representing our shadow side,

Mara would appear, and Mara represents, you know, anger, hatred, shame, of course, fear, anxiety. And Ananda, who was the Buddha's loyal attendant and also his cousin, would see Mara lurking around the edges and go, oh no, this is terrible, Mara's here. But the Puda would say, no, no, no, no worries, you know, chill back in the vernacular back then. He'd go right over to Mara and he'd say, I see you, Mara. Come, let's have tea. And I'm a lot. And I'm not, And I love the attitude, the feel, the spirit of this. And it's psychologically and spiritually very astute because when we're stressed, when we're emotionally reactive, we need to have the presence that sees what's happening.

I see you, Mark. And we need to have the heart that says, come let's have tea. Let's let me befriend this. These are the two wings of awareness, seeing clearly what's happening and opening our hearts to what's happening. So when we're stressed, Mara is usually taking any one of a handful or sometimes multiple forms. Fear, confusion, self-judgment, impatience, blame, anger. For one man who was in the army, an army lieutenant, very very, very, very, very, you know,

busy, demanding job and schedule. So he was quite stressed and his way that Mara appeared was in these real outbursts of temper so much so that he needed to do an anger management program as part of staying in the job and part of that program was teaching him mindfulness, really teaching him these two wings of awareness. I see you Mara, let's have tea. And on And one very, very busy day he had to go shopping before he could go home and finish his work. And he's in line at the supermarket and the woman in front of him only at two items. She wasn't in the express lane, she was in his lane and not only that, she had a little girl and she and the clerk were ooing and eyeing over the little girl and he could feel his anger

building up, you know, what's you doing in my line? Why are they socializing? You know, I have all this stuff to do. You know, he was, he could feel the rage building. Then he remembered, oh, mindfulness, you know, I see you, Mara. So he paid attention to what was happening. Okay, I see this. Anger, anger, naming it. And let's have tea, just feeling what was there and feeling under the anger, he could feel that anxiety. that sense of, you know, if I don't get everything done, the world will fall apart. There'll be some calamity. It's a familiar thing for many of us.

And so I see you, Mara. Let's have tea saying, okay, okay, okay to his inner experience. There was some calming and deepening of presence. And when he really looked up and took the child in, he saw she was really cute. So they laughed when it was his turn, he said to the clerk, that little girl was adorable. And she beams. She said, oh, that's my child. My mother brings her over twice a day.

My husband was killed in Afghanistan last year. So it gives me a little time to be with her. You know, I share this because when we're stressed, we get, cut off from our hearts and from what's going on for others. And not everyone may be in such a, you know, difficult, have had such difficult experience. But, you know, that saying that everyone is struggling hard, be kind. Just to imagine if in the midst of our stress we got more into the habit of pausing and coming into relationship with what's going on inside us, we would be not so much in our swirl, more attuned to our world.

And as I mentioned, just right at the beginning, you know, the atmosphere of our world is so stressful. There's so much speed. There's that fire hose of information, the divides, the violence. if we live in a more cloistered way, we're all interconnected and Mara is active in all of us. So the gift of having tea with Mara is that rather than being caught in that sense of a small separate stealth, struggling with my stress and bumping into others in our reactivity, The invitation becomes, learn to pause, become that space of awakeness and compassion that

can include and respond to the life within and the life of others. So we're going to practice this, a few tips on having tea with Mara. One is the beginning, I see you Mara. Name what's going on. Just use words, just whisper yourself, okay, anxious. spinning, confused, irritated. It really helps to bring it more fully into awareness and get curious. I shared at the beginning, getting curious as to what I was believing.

Ask yourself, what am I believing? There's always a fear belief when we're stressed. You know, for me, too much to do, there's not going to be enough time, I'll fall short, I'll disappoint, I'll be rejected. out what you're believing. And then having tea, the compassion element, to really feel with, in other words, whatever the experiences, feel it in your body, you know, feel the fear, feel the upset, feel the pressure, because the more you're in your body, the more caring will arise. You can really sense, ouch, this is unpleasant. There's caring.

and then experiment with what actually feels nurturing to you, that you're actually sensing inside what's going on and offering care. I mean, whatever you say to yourself, I've put my hand in my heart, I have it on my heart right now, whatever message you might offer, say it a few times so that your actual inner voice quality is tender. It really makes a difference. a state changer. You know, Mara, stress, it's really unpleasant, but it's not a problem. You know, I think of stress as evolution signal to awaken mindfulness and compassion. You know, it's

saying, you know, our habitual selfing narrative, there's not enough time, I'm falling short, that that's creating this like tight little cocoon and we need to inhabit a larger space of heart and mind. When we feel stressed, it's really an invitation to inhabit a larger belonging. If we pause, if we learn to pause and actually remember this can be a real gateway to waking up, you know, I see you tomorrow, let's have tea.

it becomes that. It becomes the grounds for freedom. So, you might start when you're stressed by breathing to calm yourself, but when you're settled enough, practice having tea. I want to close by saying that we have very deep conditioning when we're stressed to do more. And I know that's true for me and I've checked with many. It's just the habit is, you know, when I'm stressed, get more done. And even when we're not stressed, the habit is to evaluate ourselves based on our doings. Once the well-known pianist Arthur Rubenstein was asked, how do you handle the notes as well as you do?

And his response was immediate. It was passionate. He said, I handle the notes no better than many others. but the pauses, ah, that's where the art resides. The pauses, that's where the art, the mystery, the fullness of heart and awareness shines through. So, especially in the thick of stress, our most liberating response is to stop the doing, to pause. And it's really hard. I mean, I know for myself how much I feel propelled forward.

So even a short pause, even a short pause is radical because some deep place in you will remember, ah, my true home is experienced in presence. You know, I often think of the story of a woman who had been a very stressed, busy, doing type of executive. She had a child and then was diagnosed with cancer and told she had a year to live. and her mantra became, I have no time to rush. I feel like that's true for all of us, that rushing keeps us from the presence that really brings meaning to life, you know, keeps us from inhabiting the fullness, the truth, the mystery

of who we are. The poet Rilke says, we set the pace, but this press of time takes. Take it as a little thing next to what endures. All this hurrying soon will be over. Only when we tarry do we touch the holy. So let's just take a few moments to practice now and we'll explore how do we turn the experience of stress into a gateway for awakening, for deepening presence. So take a moment, if you will, to let your attention turn inward, perhaps take a few full breaths

and letting yourself bring to mind a situation that typically brings up stress for you, some circumstance in your life at work or in a relationship, the home front that brings up anxiety, attention, maybe a feeling of being fragmented, confused, reactive. And it might be when you have a certain type of perfect storm, a few things at once, but bring to mind that kind of situation. And as you do, notice the form that Mara takes, that form of whether it's anger or impatience, fear, anxiety, confusion. How does the shadow God Mara appear in your body mind? And as you notice, you might say, I see you Mara. You might name whatever's coming up. It may be certain

kind of thoughts, worry thoughts, planning thoughts, judging thoughts, judging thoughts. You might ask yourself, what am I believing? Is it that this is too much to handle? that I'm going to fail, what are the particular beliefs that go with strong stress? What are you most afraid of? And as you notice the feelings that are there, having tea, I feel you, Mara, I'm with you Maura, come into the body. You might even breathe with what's going on. tea might mean for you putting your hand on your heart, in some way bringing a kindness, a care

to whatever's going on inside you. And you might even ask yourself, how does the most awake or loving part of my being want to respond? What do I want to offer myself? And there may be some message that you can transmit with real care. Perhaps having tea also means offering a sense of light or warmth, holding tenderly what's there. Just sensing energetically what will most nurture, nourish, bring healing to the part of you that is in some way in distress. Now take some moments to simply rest in the presence that's here and perhaps noticing the shift from being caught in the stressed-out self

to a more open, more aware, more tender space that can include whatever's going in. Let yourself really pause and rest in and as awareness. You might listen to these words from the poet, Dana Faults. Settle in the here and now, reach down into the center where the world is not spinning and drink in this holy peace. Feel relief flood into every cell. Nothing to do, nothing to be but what you are already. Nothing to receive but what flows effortlessly from the mystery into form.

Nothing to run from or run toward. Just this breath. Awareness, knowing itself as embodiment. just this breath, awareness, awakening to truth. And as we close, you might ask yourself, when I'm stressed, when I'm anxious, when life feels like too much, what do I want to remember? What is my intention in moving forward? Okay, if your eyes are closed and you'd like to open them, please do.

Thank you, friends, for your presence, taking the time. and coming into this space together and wishing you all blessings as you continue on the path.