Tara Brach - A Grateful, Giving, Happy Heart (2017-11-22)

Episode Date: November 24, 2017

A Grateful, Giving, Happy Heart (2017-11-22) - Gratitude is like breathing in - letting ourselves be touched by the goodness in others and in our world. Generosity is like breathing out - sensing our mutual belonging and offering our care. When we are awake and whole, breathing in and out happens naturally. But these beautiful expressions of our heart become blocked when we are dominated by the fear and grasping of our survival brain. This talk explores how we can facilitate the evolution of consciousness with the deliberate cultivation of generosity, and ends with a guided meditation on gratitude and generosity.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Well, I'm always happy to be able to teach the Wednesday night class before Thanksgiving and I use it as a chance for us to really explore what does nourish a grateful and generous and happy heart. We'll explore that together I thought I'd start with a very brief story about a

traveler who came to the edge of a town and encountered a wise woman and he was curious to hear about the town and he said so what kind of people live here and she asked him well what kind of people lived where you came from

he said oh well unfortunately they were pretty untrustworthy they're just greedy and nasty and dishonest, ill-tempered, you know, that kind of thing. She said, well, those are the kind of people you'll probably find here. A couple of days later, another traveler came by, and he actually asked the same question,

so, what kind of people are here? And she said, well, what kind of people are from your parts? And he said, oh, generally really good-natured people, generous and, you know, patient and fun, fun-loving, and playful. and she says, well, you'll likely find the same kind of people here. And what does that tell us about our habitual stance? And I think often about how much our level of happiness arises out of how we perceive ourselves and each other.

Like what's the filter we have? And you can really think of it in terms of the evolving brain that when our survival brain is activated, our filter gets pretty small and the negativity bias kicks in and we're inclined to interact with people and kind of fixate on what's wrong with them. We'll notice the flaws. They won't seem trustworthy. We're ready to protect ourselves. That's how we'll look and it'll lead to being much more self-protective really.

and we'll have more complaints about life. And if instead our more recently evolved brain is activated, there's a more integrated kind of brain, then because the frontal cortex is designed for pro-social behavior and for connection and collaboration, are filters different. The mirror neurons are activated. We can kind of tune in empathetically.

what's going on for you, you know? And there's a mindfulness and a presence that can kind of see past habits and a kindness that comes from compassion. So, you might be listening and thinking, I can identify with that first traveler, you know, the one that's like kind of noticing flaws, because the truth is, for all of us, the limbic survival brain is live and well.

And especially when we're stressed, we know what it's like. We get really tighter and our way of looking at other people is not as benevolent. So I think one of the really valuable inquiries here is how do we keep evolving or facilitate the evolving of this brain and really this heart? so that we have that kind of filter that really sees the goodness and that naturally responds in a generous way because generosity arises out of this capacity to see goodness and feel our connectedness and we naturally want to give.

And when we're in stress and our survival brains activated and we're mistrustful, those of the times were very self-centered, and we're holding tight to what we've got. So we'll look at really, there's in my mind kind of three remembrances here that we can have, which is that to the degree that we feel we're going around with that kind of more limbic brain

and feeling mistrusting and judgmental, it's not our fault. That's the first remembrance. mean by that is that it comes out of unmet needs, you know, and those are conditioned from our genetics and from our culture that's very aggressive and addicted and from parenting. So if we end up being wired and rigged to be like that first traveler, it's our conditioning. It's really not our fault. thinking it's our fault, taking it personally only fuels limbic activity. Does that make

sense that when we blame ourselves we only get more tight and tense? So that's the first remembrance if we find that we're contracted. The second one is every one of us has the potential to evolve and awaken our hearts in a way where there's a natural flow of generosity and gratitude and happiness. Every one of us. It's part of our birthright. We were born with, actually with all the equipment there. And for some it takes more intention and more facilitating than others because we're more caught in traumatic experience in our body, but it's our potential. And you wouldn't be here, you you wouldn't be listening and if you're in cyberspace you wouldn't be tuning in unless

some wisdom in you, intuitive that you have the capacity to really wake up the kind of love that is fearless and doesn't hold back. So that's our potential. The third kind of remembrance is that one of the most beautiful pathways to that a way awakening is to intentionally cultivate generosity, to intentionally cultivate gratitude. To intentionally cultivate gratitude. That it's a way of growing ourselves that it actually helps us align with our full potential by practicing it.

And I heard a couple of years ago an NPR story where fourth and fifth grade graders were some researchers divide them in a couple of groups and one group was assigned, let's see, make special visits to places of their own choosing. They could go to a mall or park or someone's house and that was their assignment and then the second group was assigned to do several simple acts of kindness and it could be anything from hugging a parent to helping clean the kitchen to sharing lunch with a classmate. And so then the And they measured the attitudes and behaviors before and after of these groups and as you might be anticipating hearing, the group that on purpose did the simple acts of kindness, their attitude

was one of a stronger sense of well-being and acceptance of others. And the key thing in this experiment was that generosity became intentional. they had a plan what they were going to do. And that's when I talk about really on purpose being generous, that's a real part of it. And similar experiments with adults have really shown the same thing that being generous actively increases happiness level so that there's this total correlation between the more generous, the more happy and the happier you are, the more generous and grateful. even if you think of people in your own lives, if you bring to mind somebody that you know

that's really a happy person, and just check and just ask, well, is that person generous? Is that person grateful? Because those traits go together. It's interesting. There's a lot of research showing that the parts of the brain that are associated with happiness light up when we're giving. And spending money on others actually brings more happiness than spending money on ourselves.

Experiments like that are showing it just shifts, generosity shifts the patterning in the brain. So there's a story of my son that always hits me around when I'm talking about generosity because I remember he was four or five and it was right after Easter. I'd gotten two big,

a rabbit, a chocolate rabbit, like too big. And he had been going at the ears already when he had a bunch of friends over and they all saw that rabbit and were begging for at least a little bit of the other ear or whatever it was. And so I suggested that he might offer some to his friends and he got really agitated. He said, no, it's my rabbit. So I said, Narayan, you're right, it is your rabbit and that's why you get to share it with your friends. So he puzzled on that one a little bit. It wasn't quite right away. Then this great smile and with all the dignity in the world

he began breaking off pieces and sharing him with his friends and at one point I said it feels good doesn't it? And you could see he was beaming. You know, evolution actually rewards us. It's a biochemical reward when we're generous. It's like evolution's encouraging our brain. to wake up in this way because it does promote collaboration. It promotes survival in the best way.

Pema Children says true compassion is not service to those on margins but to see ourselves in kinship with them. So this is what's evolving in us, this capacity to see our kinship. that we're sharing because we belong together. There's a priest, Father Gregory Boyle, and I often share from his book Tattoos on the Heart, which I really recommend. It's a fantastic book.

And his path has been to work with gangs from L.A. in the most violent areas, and he's just, he created a business that hired gangmen. members and he's just brought a lot of peace to that area and a lot of resourcefulness. And he tells some stories and one of his stories is about their church and it became a sanctuary church to make room for undocumented immigrants some years back. So he describes what happened was that on Sunday mornings there were so many homeless people were sleeping over there on Saturday nights that there was an odious.

on Sunday morning. So there was a smell that people noticed. And he said he tried, I love my carpet, and he tried all the potpourrize and all the incense and everything. There was still a smell. So people started grumbling and some even talked about churching elsewhere. So he went right at it one Sunday morning with a homily and I'm going to read you what happened and forgive my Spanish or my attempt. There's pieces of it. So he addressed everybody and it was a bit of a back forth. He said, okay, so what's the church smell like? And people were mortified. He says, eye contact seizes. Women are searching inside their purses for they know not what. Come on now, I throw back at them. What's the church smell like? Hoella Apatos, smells like feet. Don

Raphael booms out. He was old and never cared what people thought. excellent. But why does it smell like feet? Response. Because many homeless men slept here last night, says a woman. Then he says, well, why do we let that happen here? Es noestro compromise. It's what we're committed to doing, says another. Well, why would anyone commit to do that? Because it's what Jesus would do. It's what Jesus would do. Well then, what's the church smell like now?

A man stands and bellows. Huela on Nuestro Compromiso, it smells like commitment. The place cheers, Guadalupe waves their arms wildly. Huela arrosas, it smells like roses. The pack church roars with laughter and a newfound kinship that embrace someone else's odor as their own. Huela a rosas, the stink in the church hadn't changed, only how the folks sought.

The people at Dolores Mission had come to embody Wendell Berry's injunction, you have to be able to imagine lives that are not yours. I love that because this again is our evolutionary potential. This is what's possible. That we can imagine lives that are not our own. And that's the source of real generosity. When you can look at another being in sense, oh, what's it like for you? Then there's this natural caring and giving.

This is the spiritual path to wake up this heart space. And it's certainly the spirit of these holidays, right? Here we are in the season that most faiths have in some way a celebration that includes caring about each other. So here we are and we have this capacity and yet at we know, there's a real shadow side to this season and we can see it where the limbic system's taken over and rather than generosity and caring it's about, you know, shopping on Black Friday or you know overeating, overindulging.

There's one woman who writes, I love to shop after a bad relationship, I don't know, I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better, it just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I'll break up with someone on purpose. I saw on one paper during the Christmas shopping season, retail storefront and had a banner that announced moderation kills the spirit. And you get the idea. You get what's driving things here. So I think of this story smells like roses where we extend our field and really

with that caring and imagining it to the lives of others in the contrast. And it's important to look at the shadow because it's the only way we wake up from it. I think of news on Monday that the current administration is ending the humanitarian program that allowed, I think it was 59,000 Haitians to be here after the devastation of the earthquake, which is still being attended to.

It's still a complete wreck there. this is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere and they're going to be kicked out. So just this contrast of walls that keep others out and that's, you know, it's from a scared and aggressive part of our nervous system and yet how important it is that we commit ourselves in our own lives and it ripples out to waking up this capacity to imagine the life of others. and be generous and care. So we'll look at, you know, this last part of this reflection tonight will be really how do we wake up our heart in this way and we'll focus on really

how do you go home with the people, whoever's around your friends or family or colleagues, how do we really live from a more generous place? and the first step for most of us is to start feeling the suffering of grasping of when we're selfish. Like we don't like ourselves, it doesn't feel good, and we're addicted to it, but if we can begin to sense this just does not feel good, it doesn't feel good to be this way. I mean, it's very clear when we're caught in an addiction for most of us that we're stuck, we don't like it but there we are. It's less clear when we're just in the habit of grasping to get recognition or to get someone's

attention or to get money or to get whatever's best for me like me first. It feels yucky if we really deepen our attention but in the midst of it getting others to do our way and do it our way, do it my way. one of my favorite little stories for the season is a man in Phoenix calls his son in New York. And he says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. 45 years of misery, it's enough. So the son screams, what are you talking about, Pop? And the father says, we can't stand the side of each other any longer.

And he says, we're sick and tired of each other. I'm sick of talking about this. So call your sister in Chicago and tell her. Hangs up the phone. So the son calls his sister She immediately calls her father in Phoenix and screams at him You're not getting divorced Don't do a single thing until I get there

I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow Until then don't do a thing Do you hear me? She hangs up The old man hangs up his phone turns to his wife Okay he says they're coming for Thanksgiving And they're paying their own way So the first part is seeing the suffering of control how it causes separation, the suffering of, you know, if you look at your relationships

and say, well, is there an agenda there? What's the agenda? Am I trying to get this person to cooperate, to pay more attention, to give me more space? Any agenda we have gets in the way of a true flow of love and generosity, any agenda. And one of the deepest agendas is often that we're trying to get them to change and be different. I know how many of us can reflect on our circle of relationships and know that that can be either subtle or not so subtle. One woman who was in a hospice and she had very short time to live, large tumor on her tongue, she could barely talk but she loved to talk

and she wanted to talk to a woman that was telling this story and was having a very hard time. And this woman visited her one day and the woman was sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed and about to go home. And what had happened was, she had had a few nights before that, one of the worst nightmares of her life, where the staff at the hospice told her she was going to die.

And she woke up paralyzed with fear, from the dream saying, you know, I can't, I can't die, I can't die yet. And she was flooded with a sense of separation not just from God but for her from her husband. All the resentment she had been carrying over the years she flashed out and realized the distance it had created all along bringing up their children, she wanted him to do it differently. Everything to do with the relationship, she wanted him to change. And she said, it's not my time, I need to speak and let him know I love him. So over those next two days the tumors shrunk and she was able to leave and she went home and she was able to

communicate to him. She saw that suffering and she could communicate from her heart, her love for who he really was. There's deep suffering when we're holding on to somebody needs to be different. That's a grasping that really gets in the way of a generous heart. Now, often our grasping that blocks us in our relationships isn't to do with the relationship itself, it's that we're so preoccupied somewhere else trying to get what we want for ourselves, whether it's getting more done or achieving something or maybe an addictive behavior. I remember one client and his life really shift to 180 degrees was struggling with addiction and second arrowing really hating himself for it

and his whole life was circling around the sense of how am I doing and what's wrong with me it was very, very inward focused. So we talked about how he might even though he didn't feel like he wanted to how he might just get more involved with helping other people. And so he went back to school and got a degree in... He got his addiction under control. He was using drugs and he got it under control. He went back to school and became an addictions counselor.

And his real happiness didn't start unfolding until he started working with other people. It's almost like we can be generous even when we're not in the mood and it will connect us with more happiness. It's the first step, shine a light on the suffering of grasping and the second step is to recognize the fears that are driving it, to really look and sense, well, what really stops me from being more generous? and you might reflect in any relationship you're in,

what are you afraid of? What might happen if you really paid attention and imagined yourself into that other person and then offered more? What are we afraid of? Ram Dass, who many of you've heard of, one of the great teachers of a generation, taught a series of classes on service in Oakland.

And one woman shared how the class affected her. And she said every day when she'd go to work, there would be this homeless man by the entrance to the metro and she put money in his cup. She realized she had never really looked him in the eye. So she said she was afraid. And when she started examining the fear, because looking him in the eye would have made the generosity more embodied, more real.

She said she investigated the fear and the reason she hadn't was because she said if I really looked at him he'd be sleeping on my living room couch. So there's a fear I think that if we start giving we'll get overwhelmed and powerless and feel like there's just too much to give to and we'll get drained or. that kind of thing. And yet we need to look directly into the source of the suffering. And what we find is that if we don't look, if we don't imagine into the life of another, we won't care.

If we do look, there is an intelligence in us that knows that we have to take care of ourselves and we have to take care of others and finds a healthy balance. Of course, for some, there's something that's called idiot compassion where, you know, it's like total indulgence. There's one story of a minister who saw a little boy standing at a door and stretching and reaching to kind of get to the, to ring the doorbell. And he came up and he pushed it for him. He said, now what do we do? And the little boy said, we run like hell. So there's like trying to meet everybody's needs all the time that doesn't work.

As in this woman's story to look into the other's eyes and offer what we can, that's when the hearts start becoming really pure. So the first part of facilitating generosity, shine a light, shine a light on where the grasping is and the suffering of it. Just the suffering of me and I and I need. The second part, compassionately see the fears that are underneath it. The third part is take what Mark Nippo, the poet says, is the exquisite risk. Go ahead, if you want to train this trait of generosity, go ahead and stretch even though there's

uncomfortableness. Go ahead and stretch with people that you know. giving a little more. It heals both the giver and the receiver. Just practice it. There's a story I wanted to share with you in this class. A man was teaching a course and in his course he had an assignment which was, go to someone you love within the next week and tell them that you love them. And it has to be someone you've never said those words to before or at least haven't shared those words with for a long time. So you may think in your own minds of who that might be for yourself.

Someone you've never said it to, but the feelings there are that it's been a really long time. So people were reporting in and one man said he was really angry when it was first given out that assignment. But as he began driving home, he said he started thinking, and he realized he knew exactly who he had to say it to. Then he writes, You see, five years ago, my father and I had a vicious disagreement

and really never resolved it since that time. We avoided seeing each other unless we absolutely had to at Christmas or other family gatherings. But even then, we hardly spoke to each other. So last Tuesday, by the time I got home, I'd convinced myself I was going to tell my father I loved him. It's weird, but just making that decision

seemed to lift a heavy load off of my chest. When I got home, I rushed into the house to tell my wife what I was going to do. She was already in bed, but I woke her up. When I told her, she didn't just get out of bed. She catapulted out and hugged me, and the first time in our married life, she saw me cry. We stayed up half the night, drinking coffee and talking. It was great.

The next morning I was upright and early. I was so excited I could hardly sleep. I got to the office early and accomplished more in two hours than I had in the whole day before. At 9 o'clock, I called my dad to see if I could come over after work. When I answered the phone, I just said, Dad, can I come over after work tonight? I have something to tell you.

My dad responded with a grumpy, now what? I assured him it wouldn't take long, so he finally agreed. At 5.30, I was at my parents' house, ringing the doorbell, praying that dad would answer the door. I was afraid if mom answered, I'd chicken out and tell her instead. But as luck would have it, dad did answer. answer the door. I didn't waste any time. I took one step in the door and said, Dad, I just came over to tell you that I love you. It was as if a transformation came over

him. Before my eyes, his face softened, the wrinkle seemed to disappear and he began to cry. He reached out and hugged me and said, I love you too, son, but I've never been able to say it. It was such a precious moment I didn't want to move. Mom walked by with tears in her eyes. I just waved and blew her a kiss. Dad and I hugged for a moment longer and then I left. I hadn't felt that great in a long time. That's not all. Two days after that,

visit my dad who had heart problems and didn't tell me had an attack and ended up in the hospital unconscious. I don't know if he'll make it. So my message to all of you in this class is don't wait. Just don't wait. Do it now.

Part of what so resonates in this story for me is that we don't recognize often the impact of our hearts on each other. We don't know how much it makes a difference. We forget. Even though when it happens to us, it's like we can get so touched, we forget. We forget. And we also don't realize that how, much of a fearless and free experience comes from expressing love. Rumi puts it this way. He says, find the real world, give it endlessly away, grow rich flinging gold to all who

ask, live at the empty heart of paradox, I'll dance with you cheek to cheek. There's a real realization of our wholeness. So there's strong conditioning to live from feeling separate, from something wrong, from distance. We get embarrassed or awkward about giving in different ways. And that's why it's considered a kind of deliberate practice, this practice of generosity, where we are actually on purpose planning, acting, and here's the key piece. When you've offered in some way generously, and you could be talking about words or a smile or a hug or a service or money or anything, but when we've done it to pause and sense what's happening in our bodies and our hearts.

Because the more you get used to that feeling and there is a real real thing, you're distinct feeling of that connectedness, being in that flow and that reciprocity, the tides of the world really, belonging. The more you get familiar with it, the more you get called into that field until it becomes not just a state of mind, oh right now I'm feeling generous, but a real trait. It becomes an ongoing natural response of your heart. ways people practice, some say just three unscheduled acts of generosity a day, just look for an opportunity. Some say with both that and with gratitude sharing with a buddy, having somebody

that's you're just waking your heart up together. So we're going to close tonight with a practice but I want to first just bring in the twin or the what gets coupled with generosity always is gratitude. It's like breathing in and breathing out. With gratitude when our hearts open we're breathing in, we're taking in this world and we're so touched by the beauty and the goodness like the traveler where just our filter is really one of appreciation and that actually creates a kind of space of abundance where it's just so natural to give out.

This is a piece on gratitude. Nietzsche says this. He says, for happiness, how little suffices for happiness. The least thing precisely, the gentlest thing, the lightest thing, a lizard's rustling, a breath, a whisk, an eye glance. Little maketh up the best happiness, be still. So we begin to sense this possibility. of becoming more present and taking in with a sense of gratitude, appreciating.

Some of you might remember from, I love this part of, from the color purple, this is Alice Walker. She writes this, listen, God love everything you love and a mess of stuff you don't, but more than anything else, God love admiration. You saying God vain, I ask? No, she says, not vain. just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it. Isn't that great?

Yeah. So we begin this practice of really waking up our hearts and minds with the sense of being available to take in the beauty and appreciating the beings around us and the nature and practicing on purpose, giving out. So we're going to practice together a guided reflection that I love on this, a very simple one. But I'd like to ask first if you will just quietly stand and stand. Let's start with that. And if you can move a little bit so you're not right on top of another person,

just use a little bit of space, and close your eyes and feel your body and sense how your body wants to move right now to be more awake and alert and relaxed and open. For some of you you might feel like stretching your arms up is helpful. Breathing deeply, inhaling, letting the arms float down slowly. Some of you may be rolling your shoulder some or turning the head gently from side to side. Some of you may want to stretch your legs but take a moment because really generosity and gratitude require embodiment, being awake in our bodies, to breathe and move and don't be shy. Go ahead and just move around a little. Okay and as you're ready to take your seats in a way that you can be alert and at ease, this is a heart practice on gratitude,

breathing in, letting ourselves be touched by the goodness of others, the goodness of this world, and breathing out and sensing how we can express our love in a generous way. We begin in a simple way with gratitude by simply bringing to mind someone who has been a benefactor in some way, who has been generous with us, kind to us. And as you bring this person to mind, and it could be somebody very personal and close in in your life. For some people, benefactor might be somebody even you don't know, but you feel a sense of appreciation that that person's helping.

Take a moment to imagine and sense the person's presence. You might even imagine and visualize, look in that person. being's eyes as they look at you and with affection, with care. And sense that you can really let in the goodness, the good heart, the light, the purity of this being. You might whisper the person's name and say thank you. Just whisper out loud. Don't worry about other people they'll be whispering too. Just whisper the person's name and say thank you. and you might do it a few times and notice what happens inside you. Notice the sense of connection and tenderness and sincerity that comes

when you feel your gratitude and express it. Mary Oliver writes, So every day, so every day, I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth of the ideas of God, one of which was you. So we feel that sense of, of gratitude as a lived experience in our hearts and then we sense into generosity. And here I invite you to bring to mind one relationship that really matters to you that

you'd like to nourish, that you'd like to deepen, that you'd like to bring that spirit of generosity alive in. And when you decide on a relationship you might sense what thus far has gotten in the way. In other words, what habit of being the kind of ways of behaving have stopped you from being as generous as you'd like to have been? As there been some agenda that's distracted you? you were distracted by the pressures of doing other things, a feeling there's too much to do, the demands of time, or was your generosity blocked by some agenda that you were wanting that

person to be different, something you want from that person, some affirmation or acknowledgement that stopped you from being as generous as possible? Just see if you can notice without judging what might have thus far gotten in the way of generosity. Is there a fear that if you offer more you'll be obliged to keep offering more, that in some way it'll be too much? This honest investigation of what gets in the way, what creates separation, and holding what you see with real kindness, no judgment, just compassion. If you notice fears of offering more to someone, see what happens if you just extend kindness to that part of you that's afraid. What happens?

Real forgiving towards whatever's been holding you back. Keep in mind that any judgment of yourself for not being generous will only fuel the parts of you that have a hard time extending. So, real forgiving, real kind. And as you continue to pay attention, be curious as to what particular ways you might extend your heart to this person. What would be a flavor of generosity that would feel natural and good to you? You might plan it in your mind.

Just some act of kindness of giving. For many the most powerful is it saying, I love you to the person. That is an act of kindness of generosity. Or it might be affirming them in some way, letting them know that you see them, that you see their goodness. Or it might be an act of service. It might be a gift. Whatever you sense might be your way of generosity.

Imagine how it will land. What will it be like for that person? how it will land, imagining the life of another and letting yourself feel the goodness of giving. Just feel it as sensations in your body and your heart. The goodness of giving. You might sense who are you when you're in that flow of generosity. Then widening your view now to include more and more beings in your life, just sensing their goodness, sensing your...

sensing your wish, your prayer for their well-being. So you're extending that generosity through prayer to a widening circle of beings. And we can together bring our hearts together to sense that boundless heart space that really includes all beings and this generosity and love that wishes all beings, the blessings of the blessings of, realizing loving presence as their very essence, wishing for all beings, that realization that that we can live from loving presence, serve and celebrate from loving presence. All beings discover great and natural peace, feeling our shared prayer that all beings everywhere awaken and be free.

Namaste and blessings and thank you for your presence. For more talks and meditations and to learn about my schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabrock.com.