Tara Brach - Alchemy of Wise Effort in Spiritual Life

Episode Date: March 21, 2012

2012-03-21 - Alchemy of Wise Effort in Spiritual Life - The ground of wise effort is our sincere intentionality toward presence, love and freedom. Yet our habit is to go into trance, and latch on to narrowed intentions of self-enhancement or defense. When this goes on for years, we feel disappointment in our lives, a sense of not being true to ourselves. Through guided reflections, we explore how--in spiritual practice and in relationships--we can connect with our deepest intention and live in a way that expresses our awakening heart and awareness. Please support this podcast by donating at www.tarabrach.com or www.imcw.org. Imagine if even 10% of listeners gave $10 a month? The audio could be self-supporting!

One of the interesting things to me is that there are many different instructions on the spiritual path. In fact, it said that the Buddha gave 60,000 different types of meditations and strategies and approaches to waking up. And his basic theory is one size does not fit all. The way all have different body minds. There's some common denominators. but so there's all these different ways but the ground of all of them one of the elements that every one of them includes is called wise effort that any practice any form or strategy of paying attention takes a certain amount of energy and I'm using the word energy directed energy and

effort interchangeably. So you'll find in the Buddhist teachings, for those that are familiar, there's these different lists that you'll see regularly, and whether it's the eight-fold past or the path or the five spiritual faculties or the ten perfections,

there's these different lists. Wise effort is in each one of the lists. Because the understanding is that's what juices us. That's what keeps us waking up, alive, and engaged. And there's a paradox here. And if you listen to Dharma talks regularly, you'll know the paradox, which is as much as we talk about, yes, we need this energy, this effort, freedom arises in the moments truly when we're not identified with any doing at all.

Total allowing, total receptivity. I sometimes use the word radical acceptance, is being quality. not any sort of effortful attempt to get somewhere. So this paradox is really something that we start encountering, and it can be really juicy. I remember when I was in teacher training, and Joseph Goldstein, who's one of my teachers, was leading a kind of workshop with, in those days,

our teacher training group was, I think, six people, and we were together for about five or six years. and Joseph was doing a piece on wise effort and he said it didn't matter whether you were at the very beginning of the path or extremely experienced, it still is right at the center of our inquiry of really how do we move? How do we move wisely? So I found this to be true.

I found in my experience that if we keep on asking, well, am I really being wholehearted on this path. Or is there striving? Is it too controlling? How is my effort in these moments? That it's actually a wonderful mirror for what's going on.

Am I disengaged totally, not paying attention? Am I too riveted so I'm tense and tight? So the Buddha, most classically, said, wise effort is like tuning a lute. You said, you know, you don't want it to be too tight. String will break. So you don't want to have the kind of effort towards meditation where you're really tense in evaluating everything and all wound up.

And he said, also, you don't want it to be too loose. So you're disengaged, so you can't create sound. So another way you might, other language for it, is that, and this is my understanding of wise effort. and I'm going to keep bringing these two dimensions up through the evening. It's on one hand, wise effort means that we are wholeheartedly engaged with what matters to us, wholeheartedly engaged. And it also means we're wholeheartedly engaged and yet we're completely receptive and open.

There's not a straining or a leading forward. So engaged yet open. So we'll explore this tonight together, and I'm going to be inviting you to do several reflections, so you can begin to get a sense of how perhaps unconsciously is this quality of effort or energy playing in your life. And where might it be keeping you from the freedom that you seek, and where is it actually serving? Okay, so that's tonight's inquiry. I find it useful to have an understanding of what's sometimes called the virtuous cycle. And the virtuous cycle means that we all have a kind of wisdom which intuit what's possible.

We wouldn't be here if we didn't intuit the possibility of really the flowering of who we are, the possibility of loving without holding back, the possibility of really living, in a creative way, the possibility of recognizing freedom, really living in a way that is at peace with life. So we have this intuition of that possibility. And the way the virtuous cycle goes is that out of that intuition of, oh, this is possible, this freedom is possible, then arises this aspiration, okay, so may I awaken, may I be free, may I go for it on some level. There's an aspirin. or longing for what we sense is possible. And then wise effort arises out of that.

In the moments that you feel the possibility of loving more fully, you feel the longing to make it be so, then the effort you make comes out of a very pure and sincere place. And the effort always is towards presence. because everything that matters to us arises out of presence. So it might seem circular, but in some deep way, when we are in touch with what matters, our effort is going to be towards becoming more present.

Because that's where we can reap those fruits. So that's the virtuous cycle. And what becomes useful for us to begin to sense, well, where do I get stuck? is, I don't want to call it unvirtuous, I don't even like the word virtuous, for some reason, it sounds kind of oh, stiff and old-fashioned.

But that's just the language being used. But let's say the opposite cycle, you might call it a kind of trance where we get caught, where instead of this living out of this intuition of who we really are and can be, we're living with a lot of self-doubt, we're living from a sense of personal deficiency,

feeling threatened, feeling incomplete. So what's the wish that comes out of that? Well, there's a wish that I want more to complete me. I want to defend against things. I want to get rid of the people that are threatening. It's like instead of this aspiration towards a loving presence, there's a fight-flight response, and that's the energy that ends up being produced.

And what happens when we have fight-flight energy, it deepens our sense of being a not-good self. and then what's our aspiration? You see the cycle? I sometimes think of as a self-intrance. It's very organized around a sense of a limited self. So this is where we get caught. And the sign of it energetically is our effort is either controlling,

is a kind of controlling, tense, tight effort, are we're very disengaged. We're not able to really mobilize our energy. We're dissociated. We're pulled back. We're cut off. Those are the flags of the kind of effort that comes out of a small sense of self. How are we doing so far?

Is this making sense here? Okay. All right. So what happens when our life is continuously in that, trance, small self, caught in fight, flight, you know, our efforts, when we go, whether it's in work or in relationship or in spiritual practice, our efforts are either controlling or disengage, is we start feeling like a kind of a disappointment, our despair about our life. Sometimes it's not real conscious, but there's a sense of, sometimes we're resigned about it,

this is the way it is. But there's a sense of life isn't what we wanted. I was very struck, and I've shared this about a year ago, one hospice nurse described the regrets of those when they were dying. And she described as the most poignant and common regret that I didn't live my life true to myself. I lived it according to the expectation of others. Or we might say I lived according to my own should, I should be doing this, and I should be doing that for decades and decades rather than listening and trusting.

Or perhaps we lived it in a kind of resigned way, like, this is all that I deserve. Or perhaps when we're dying, we realize how automatic we've been, that we didn't really drop below the surface. We got so habitual. not living true to ourselves to this potential to be creative to be loving, to be awake. So that's the regret. So what I'd like to do is

use the lens of spiritual practice, but the regrets also took the shape of and not living true to myself, I work too hard. That's a big one. Work too hard. just kind of speedy always doing another one of them was that I that I wasn't true to myself

and I didn't express really the truths in my heart I just rather than living spontaneously from who we are it was a sense of you know I lived kind of in a I shaped myself to be who others wanted me to be not living true to myself I didn't prioritize relationships big one

so so then this inquiry tonight really is when we get caught in that trance, how do we begin to notice it and come back home to sensing our potential, to feeling that aspiration that's got that sincerity and beauty that generates wise effort, the effort to be free? So we begin by taking a look at our spiritual practice. And, you know, what happens if we're here because in some way, and I'm using spiritual practice in a very broad way, saying, helping, you know, all the practices

that help us to find presence or peace or love or freedom. And you wouldn't be attracted to joining here on Wednesdays or for those

that are listening to podcasts or watching the videos. You wouldn't be drawn to these perennial teachings. These are the perennial wisdom teachings.

They're not even particular to the Buddhism. You wouldn't be drawn unless there was something in you that valued spiritual practice. So what happens that stops us? When does our energy turn it into an unwise effort on the spiritual path?

I'll give you some examples. If we have a lot of fear or self-doubt, then it's hard to practice because we feel like we're never doing it right. And so we always feel like a failure. Like I'm always falling short, so it's not gratifying. So that's one of them. So we disengage. Or for some, there's a fear of contacting what's inside.

I don't really want to sit still. I really want to get away from what's here. I mean, I know I should be with what's here, but in the moment, I'd rather be somewhere else. So, again, disengage. Or else, you know, we get filled with trying to control it. We feel like, okay, the practice is about getting my mind and body to feel a certain way. So there's all this tension of controlling our,

state doesn't feel good. Again, it's not a draw to practice. Maybe it's framed more positively of this craving for certain experiences. So every time we meditate, in some way we're aiming to have a certain kind of a blissful experience or a peaceful experience rather than just being with what's here. I can say for myself that I started meditating, oh, in the early 80s maybe and actually late 70s. And I remember that for a number of years, especially when I was living in the ashram, every time I'd sit, I have an idea of,

I mean, I had certain very rapturous experiences and I was always trying to get back to them. On some level, I was sitting so I could get still enough and focused enough so that my body would be vibrating and I'd feel that exquisite pleasantness and kind of boundlessness. and I'd rate my meditations, you know? And in some level, yeah, this was a 5.7, you know. But on some level, I was trying to get somewhere.

And even when I experienced the rapture, it was like I was trying to build them up so I'd have more of them. And I was controlling my mind to get there. So remember earlier I said two elements. And one is that that element of really engaged. Well, I was pretty engaged,

but it was a tight engagement, a controlling engagement. There was very little of that open hand to just be with what is, allowing, non-doing. In other words, I was a doer, and I was identify with a doing self, a meditating self trying to get somewhere.

Very common part of the trance. So let me invite you to reflect for a moment. And so you can sense for yourself in your practice do you lean towards maybe disengaging do you over control taking a moment

you're pausing just to begin to pay attention and I'd like to invite your attitude right now to be one of curiosity because as soon as we're mindful of how we approach practice

that very mindfulness gives us some choice So for now, just to make it a little more concrete, you might sense what you consider to be practice, how you consider, what are the elements of the path that you in some way have the intention to employ of those 60,000 strategies the Buddha referred to. And for you, it might be meditation, it might be prayer, it might be yoga or chigong, it might be service, it might be contemplation. Notice what you imagine to be a real and vibrant spiritual practice and just notice how you're relating to it,

whether you approach it, maybe if it's a daily sit that you think coming into silence and stillness will serve your heart and spirit. Do you approach it with a bit of aversion? Is there a sense that I don't want to? Is there a sense of guilt of not do that? doing enough? Do you, like so many, judge what's your practice? Always in some way is either falling short or, well, now I've made the mark, but now I've got to do it again. But in some way,

always on your way to something else? Is there striving? Or is there indifference? Or do you feel like, well, I'm not cut out for this really? So in some way, there's a disengagement. It's too hard. It's only for people that are more, advance or mature or don't have all this neurotic mess going on inside. So you kind of discount yourself and disengage. Just sensing if there's this possibility to be engaged and open, how are you relating? You might again just ask yourself, what really is my intention in terms of spiritual practice? Is my deep intention? You know, what is it you love? What is it you're wanting? Is it to really come into more presence in your life?

Is your deep intention to awaken your heart? Is your deep intention to realize truth? To really understand the nature of reality. What is this? This mystery. Take some moments to really sense into what's the intention behind your practice? What do you really, really care about?

And what would happen if you remembered what you cared about, whether it's touching peace or loving more fully. And what kind of effort would emerge out of that? What would your practice look like if you were really being true to yourself? If you were looking back from your time of death to now and you said, yeah, I was true to myself on the path. What would it look like? And you can just in a very simple way wish that for yourself without striving or expectation or judgment.

May I remember what matters? May my spiritual practice be aligned so that I'm true to myself. And you'd like you can open your eyes. The spiritual practice is a formal expression on the path. But one that's very ongoing, a deep way that we live the spiritual path is in our relationships with each other. So let's take a look in a similar way at the patterns we get. get into with each other? Are we living from a sense of our true intention and wise effort with each other? Or do we get in that same kind of trance of selfing where we are living in a sense

of separateness or fear or a feeling of being misunderstood or whatever? And then more in a reactive place which separates us. Baba Free John says, a spiritual life is many things, but at the level of human relations. Its essence is love. So we take a look and we start sensing that just as with presence, you know, just the way the Buddha said, you know, not too loose, not too tight, just as with spiritual practice with each other, sometimes we're loose, which by which means disengaged. We're not really paying attention. And you can see that. A person feels like a person in our life just feels like too much, the situation feels like too much, it's too demanding, there's some way that we resign or we cut off, or perhaps a relationship with a sibling is soured,

and we just don't bother. We don't bother engaging, too loose with too slack. Or maybe we've gotten into a rut with our partner, and we know it's possibly more intimate, but we just stay busy and don't really try. Okay, that's one side of it. That's the disengagement side. Or maybe we're, you know, doing the opposite. Maybe we're trying too hard and it's controlling. It's not the kind of wise effort that brings presence in love, but it's a kind of controlling that we can see often with a parent and a child.

I know that one real well. Totally love my son, but the love gets tight when I'm afraid that his life's not going to work out. And then it's more controlling and it cuts off the loving, or at least the experience of loving. Sometimes we're controlling and tight in a way that we're always trying to prove ourselves or get approval, trying to prove our value to our boss or trying to please our friends or meet everybody's needs or expectations. Often we're moving through with some lens that's trying to imagine and sense how others are looking at us so that we then present what we want them to see.

Some of you might remember one of my more favorite stories of a woman from Michigan. Michigan was in New England and she her family visited regularly the same town that Paul Newman visited and she went one morning to her she went for a long hike and then went to her favorite bakery to get a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone and so she walks in and who's there the one an only patron in the whole store is Paul Newman so she's he's having donuts and a coffee and so her heart skips a bean and she her eyes make contact with his famous baby blue eyes. And then she starts talking to yourself, okay, you know, you're a married woman.

You're happily married. You've got three children. You're 45 years old. Pull yourself together. So she tries to put on this dignity and nonchalance and so on. And the clerk fills her order and double-dipped chocolate ice cream cone in one hand. She puts her change in the other. Then she goes out the door, avoiding even a glance in this direction.

She kind of just glides out, you know, like. she reaches her car she realizes she has a handful of change but no ice cream cone so where is my ice cream cone so she knows she has to go back in okay so she goes back in she expects to see the cone either in the clerk's hand or in the

holder on the counter but it's not in sight and then she happens to make contact with Paul Newman and he breaks down to that familiar warm friendly grin and he says to her you put it in your purse so this is just a kind of a fun example but you get the point that when we we get caught in our little

trance and we're presenting ourselves and you know you can see it in you can see it in our relationships if we slow down and take a look so in a in a kind of more sober way if we said okay if i was at the end of my life looking back and looking at some of the relationships in our our closest circles or those we see often, was I being true to myself? Was I living true to myself in those relationships? You know, in the ways I talk to my child or with my partner or my tone of voice

or the ways I prove myself or defend myself, was this sourced in presence, or was it, you know, caught in that trance? And so what we find is that in the moments we're not living true to ourselves, we've just forgotten what matters. We've forgotten that love matters. It comes that simple.

We've forgotten that we love this life. Our fear has made us forget, and we can see it in our own lives in the way we behave with each other and the way we're suspicious of each other, or defended with each other, are so easily hurt by the other. You know, we're caught

in a sense of a fearful, limited, And we can see it in our society. We can see how the mood of our society is this contraction to something's wrong with these people. And then what happens? Rather than wise effort, we go into a reactivity that is warlike. The tragedy in Florida with this young man, this teenager being shot. shot. What's the energy behind that? It's forgetting. It's a trance that totally forgets that this life is precious. And it's a tragedy. So our challenge is that in relationships

and in our society, there's what is sometimes called the big squeeze where we have all this conditioning to go into trance and into fight-flight. And we also have this awakening heart and spirit that knows how precious this life is and that yearns to live from it. And they're and they're both there. And so what happens is that our job is to be able to slow down and sense, what am I living from? What is my intention right here? And often the intentions are layered. I sometimes called them marbled. So that, you know, we might have, we might, you might see in a couple that one person says, you know, to the therapist, you know, is often doing their own therapy and trying to work out

the fact that she had an affair. And she says, well, I'm not going to tell them because it'll only cause hurt. It'll get in the way of a relationship. It's all over. Well, what's the intention? Maybe to spare him hurt. And also to spare her having to deal with the pain of what. what might come out in terms of anger lashing out.

What's our intention? It's usually mixed. In spiritual practice, we see the same thing. We have the intention to sit, to train our mind, to quiet down, and we also have the intention to go and do other things to be able to get more things checked off the list. I mean, how many of you have had that experience

of knowing you wanted to have a regular sitting, And yet as you're approaching your cushion or your chair or wherever you sit, having a whole other part of you really wanting to just get into the day. Let's have a hand raise, you know? It's a lot of us, right? So this is an example. Saul and mortar walking from religious service. Saul wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Morty replies, why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz? So Saul goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and says, Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray? Rabbi says, no, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our rebutt. religion. So Saul goes back to his friend and tells him what the good rabbi told him. Mort says, I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try. So Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke? To which the rabbi eagle replies, by all means, my son, by all means,

right? But you get the idea that we have different poles and how do we frame it to ourselves. We want to be kind to another person and we want to get appreciated and acknowledged. Let me read to you. This is a poem by Marie Howe. Every day I want to speak with you. Every day I want to speak with you. This is called prayer. Every day I want to speak with you and every day something more important calls for my attention. The drugstore, the beauty products, the luggage I need to buy for the trip. Even now I can hardly sit here among the falling piles of paper and clothing, the garbage truck outside, already screeching and banging. The mystics say you are as close as my own breath. Why do I flee from you? My days and nights pour through me like complaints and become a story I forgot to tell.

Help me. Help me. Even as I write these words, I'm planning to rise from the chair as soon as I finish this sentence. Can you feel it? These marbled intentions that we're calling this longing, man, I want to talk to you. I want to commune with the sacred. I want to come home. And I want to get away from here. I want to bicycle away and get doing things and busy and cut off. We all have that. Or most of us, I shouldn't say we all. If we have to say, well, so how do we deal with that? with these seemingly conflicting intentions, there is one very simple and powerful antidote to the conflict. And it goes beyond conflict, if we can remember.

And that is just bring a mindful presence to the fact of the different intentions. Just be present with that. Oh, I want to smoke and I want to pray. I want to sit here and commune, and I want to get going and do things. And in the moment of naming the different poles, there's a space of awareness that actually allows us to come home to what's deepest and true. Now, that's not a promise that it will happen right away, especially if the poles are very charged.

You know, for somebody that's addicted to food, if the pole to food and the pole to stay and be present with, there's going to be a bit of a battle and sometimes you'll go off to the refrigerator and sometimes you'll stay with the craving the craving will come and it real will go and that's the learning but it won't be every time that you'll be able to stay and yet that's the training so we bring presence to our mixed intentions and the space of presence allows us to come home to the most pure and alive aspiration in our heart does that make sense

So why don't we again reflect? And this time the reflection will be a chance to pause and look at the patterns in our relationships. Are we in trance? Or are we connected to true self, deepest nature? You might examine by bringing to mind a situation with someone in your life where you know already you're not living from,

your truest being, your deepest being, somewhere where you're in reactivity. It might be something that's been happening repeatedly or happened once or you can sense can happen again, where you react out of feeling hurt or misunderstood, are not seen, not respected, not cared about, overlooked, suffocated, whatever it is. And if you can bring a situation up where you can actually imagine an interaction, where you might notice the flags of reactivity, where you get speedy or judgmental or disengage, are aggressive. See if you can pause right in the moment where you're in some way,

caught in the reactivity, where you know you're in a defensive reaction or aggressive or whatever it is. Pause and deepen your attention. Like, what's really happening right now in this interaction? You might imagine the other person, see their face, know what's being said, check your intention in those moments. In those moments of reactivity, what are you going for? Is it to prove yourself, to protect yourself, to have things your way, to be right? Are you in some way trying to feel better about yourself? Are you trying to make somebody different? See if you can keep paying attention and invite your deepest intention.

What are you most, from the deepest part of your being, what is your wish for this relationship? Is it for understanding, for love? for peace? What are you wishing really deep down? And sense how presence in the moment might align you with your heart. How right now feeling your breath, if you could pause like this

in the midst of the action, feeling your breath, feeling your intention, just sense what might happen, what would the wise effort be, the actions be if you're really living true to yourself, true to your deepest being. Imagine in this situation, being purposefully present, really intending to be present,

and also sensing a kind of allowing, letting go of control. So you're engaged, but not controlling, open. These same two dimensions that express an enlightened heart engaged, so you're there, and yet not controlling, open. You can continue to explore this and these kind of reflections. There's a power to stepping aside and letting in your meditation here at other times to start sensing the possibility of pausing in these situations. It'll make you more inclined to do so in the midst

and to be able to respond in a more creative and heartfelt way by practicing. So what we're coming to tonight in this exploration of wise effort is that there is a very deep transformation, a movement from that transing cycle to a very liberating way of living our life when we get in touch with our intention. If you can pay attention to intention, like what really matters? That will energize you in a way,

towards presence and towards all the fruits of presence. Now I'd like to remind you of a story. I shared this years ago. I don't think I've shared it for a while that I was reminded of recently. And this is from Cousin Sakis, from Zorba the Greek. And in this story, Zorba encounters a very, very old man, like a 96-year-old guy, and he's planting an almond tree. Now, almond trees take a really, really long time to grow, like a really long time. So decades. So it goes, what, dad, you know, at your age, planting an almond tree? That's what Zorba says. And the response is this. This man says, I live as if I should never die, and also as if I was going to die any minute. Now consider that for a moment. So note what would happen if you imagine, okay, I'll never die. Who's the eye that will never die?

No, it's in the moment that you sense I'll never die, you're sensing that timeless spirit, that changeless awareness that is beyond these forms that come and go. So in the moment that you say, I live as if I'll never die, it's like it's unlimited possibility. There's no need to strive. It allows you just open to what is and open in a way that is truly non-controlling. I live as if I should never die and invites us to relax to let go into what's always here

and I live as if I was going to die any moment and what would that do to you? Consider. If you really sensed any moment like we have this idea of this stretch in front of us and some of us might be older and have a shorter stretch and some of us are but we have this stretch in front of us

what if it was like we don't know how would you treat tonight if this was the last time that you were sitting and really reflecting in a formal way on the nature of your heart and awareness, if you knew it was your last time, what would be the quality of your attention? When I ask that, I live as if I'm going to die in a moment, I get very, very engaged. Like this moment really matters. It's precious. Very deeply engaged. It's like all I want to do is completely open to love. I run a really open to the awareness and love that's here.

So what happens when we say we could die any moment is we sense the preciousness of this life and we give ourselves fully. These are the two dimensions of wise effort. This purposeful giving ourselves, right this moment, completely this moment counts. And this openness that lets be. And we need them both. And either one on its own has a shadow side.

If we're going to die any moment and we're completely engaged, but there's not that openness, we start grasping. This moment, I want it, I want it. You know, there's grasping, there's controlling. And if it's just openness, oh, I'm going to live forever, it can get kind of laissez-faire and kind of passive and inactive and disengaged. You sense how both of them come together to a very mature,

wholehearted yet spacious wisdom. So we can begin to sense that, that kind of, that wisdom of wise effort. Some of us, when we really find something we really love. So you might find a person you really love or realize this incredible passion for serving or this passion for art or creative project or whatever it is. And initially, we can open to it,

and there's this tremendous engaged energy, and there's also this openness. It's like we don't know. It's just open. But very quickly our conditioning comes in, and then we need to pay close attention. Are we going at it with striving? Or are we more tendency to resign

because we have a lot of doubt? So we begin to watch. Now, there are, if you want to bring this down to these two elements, I think it's really helpful to think of them, the one that's engagement as a kind of deliberate practice, that every one of us on the path needs to have a deliberate practice.

Not all the time, though, but we need a deliberate practice because our conditioning is to forget. And deliberate practice is very much now a phrase you'll find that's used in terms of understanding success in any field, and whether you're reading outliers by Malcolm Gladwell or there's a few others, having smarts. One of the gurus of deliberate practice is Jeff Colvin.

He writes this. He says, people at the top of their fields, the world-class experts, get there through deliberate practice. Deliberate practice is purposeful, concentrated effort on a specific aspect of a skill, attitude, or behavior, accompanied by reflection, mindful reflection, and feedback from a coach a mentor or a guide. The more the deliberate practice, the greater the performance in the chosen field. And there's also something called a 10-year rule, which is that most evidence suggests

it takes about 10 years of this deliberate practice in order to have some mastery. Well, most meditation masters are going to say about the same thing. They're going to say, you can have experiences very quickly that are tremendously gratifying and helpful. and to develop a kind of stable mastery of being present, deliberate practice, mindful practice for quite 10,000 hours they sometimes call it. Now the deal is this isn't road practice. This is the kind of practice that's fresh, it's mindful, self-reflective.

So this is a life practice and we need it to decondition. And yet, very often we get stuck in it in a way that it's a different. doing self. And so my final story is a little bit about how we can see what the shift is from this very noble recognition we need to practice and then realizing how we get stuck, how we get habituated. And I want to just share a story of a woman in our community, Julia, who is dying of breast cancer, and she had a very deliberate practice for many years, and it was strong. And she wanted to die, and she wanted to die in a certain way. She wanted to die with a lot of presence and strength and upbeat and good natured and so on.

And her deliberate practice ended up making her feel like a failure because she felt nausea, miserable, not happy, not in a good mood. And so here she was at the end of her life. She'd done all this deliberate practice, and yet it wasn't coming through for her. She felt crummy. And I remember her describing how one night, And it made her very separate from other people. And one night her friend Anna came over, they brought food to her.

And she kind of was pretending she was asleep. And so Anna left the food and she heard the door click. Then she started sobbing. And it turned out Anna hadn't left. And Anna came and she lied down on the bed with her and held her. And finally, Julia let go. Finally. She just let herself be what she was, which was she felt miserable.

And she wanted to cry. and she let herself cry into someone else's arms, which was something really big. So when she described this to me, we explored it some. We explored how in her deliberate practice she had gotten locked into a doing self with a goal. I'm going to die a certain way. Just the way I'm going to live a certain way. I'm going to have a certain kind of meditation. It was a doing self.

And she had to stop doing. She needed that other component I've been talking about, a surrendering presence. We need both. As it turns out for her, she said, she described that when she got the news that the cancer had metastasize and she started paying attention and, okay, how am I going to be with this? she felt this longing for that same kind of love like Anna holding her and she said and so she just had the words please love me please love me and so then her practice is really to sense the possibility of love and then just let go let go let go she willingly surrendered that's another way

to think of this other piece there's deliberate practice energetically engaging and willingly surrender. And what she described to me at the last time we met, she said that when you can accept dying, you know you're one with God. It's like when you really open and surrender into this dying, which is really not just a physical death, it's what happens every moment of our lives, losing, changing loss. Then we discover that surrendering and that oneness. So I'd like to end by saying deliberate practice is necessary. It trains us to quiet the mind, to recognize what's happening. It deconditions the trance.

But what shines through when the trance is deconditioned, this love and awareness, there's nothing to do then but surrender. And it's not the effort, but it's that truth, that love, that awareness that sets us free. That's the freedom. So I'd like to close by saying that when we do our deliberate practice, and we're mindful about it. We have a light touch and we don't get hooked on the technique. Deliberate practice actually puts the doing self out of a job. It really does because you're practicing presence and then presence sees, oh, there's no self you're doing it. It becomes

more and more spontaneous. Deliberate practice is necessary, but the flag of maturity, and I'm going to close now pretty much, is that there's a deep dedication, but it's not strained, it's not serious, it's not grim. If you meet anyone who's very free, they're very deliberate, very intentional, very in touch with intention, but there's not a seriousness or a grimness. This is Hafiz. He writes, what is the difference between your experience of existence and that of a saint? The saint knows that the spiritual path is a sublime chess game with God and that the the beloved has made such a fantastic move that the saint is now continually tripping over joy and bursting out in laughter and saying, I surrender. Whereas, my dear, I'm afraid you still think

you have a thousand serious moves. So let's practice a little just for about a minute or two. And this will give you a chance of pulling together what we've been talking about. so that you can even as you pause the encouragement is not to wait the encouragement is to know that in the moment that you commit yourself you dedicate yourself to presence to practicing presence and in the moment that you dedicate yourself

just to letting go into what is you are aligning yourself with the truth you're opening yourself to your true being so as you come into the stillness begin to notice what's happening right here in this moment to moment experience you might notice the sounds around you might notice your heart beating

you might notice the feeling of the breath as you begin to arrive in this presence sense your intention maybe as if you only had a few moments to live like this is it sense your intention to cherish these moments and to offer your presence, this breath, these sensations of aliveness, this moment, sense the presence that's right here.

Can you notice the awareness that's right here this moment? What happens if you willingly surrender and just be that awareness? Let go into what's here. We close with a very simple meta practice, loving kindness practice. Just offering to yourself the prayer, the wish that you might realize come home to the truth of who you are, this awareness, this heart, and live from it, that your words and your actions be an expression of love. that your life be a creative expression of this presence.

It's right here. Can we feel our shared field of presence, those here now, those listening, those part of this path of awakening, our shared presence, and our wish for this world that beings might awaken and live from loving presence,

wake up out of the violence, out of the trance, that all beings everywhere might cherish this life, live reverence for life, that there might be peace everywhere. May all beings awaken and be free. Namaste. The talk you just listened to has been freely offered. If you'd like to make a donation, learn more about my schedule or about programs offered by the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, please

visit either my website, which is tarabrock.com, our IMCW site, which is IMCW.org. Thank you very much.