Tara Brach - An Appropriate Response: Living from an Awake Heart (2019-06-05)

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

An Appropriate Response: Living from an Awake Heart (2019-06-05) - Much of our suffering comes from reacting to stressful situations with fear or aggression, rather than responding with wisdom and care. This talk explores the pathway of shifting from reacting to responding: this includes learning to pause, awakening the wings of mindfulness and kindness, and reconnecting with our deepest intention.  Join Tara's email community at http://eepurl.com/6YfI, to receive exclusive updates, events, and meditations. - Get a free download of Tara's new 10 min meditation: "Mindful Breathing: Finding Calm and Ease," - plus a bonus gift: "8 Essential Tips to Nourish Your Meditation Practice.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit Tarabrock.com. Namaste and blessings. I'd like to begin with one of my very favorite all-time wisdom teachings. This is called Spiritual Fitness and if you've been with me for a while I hope I've shared it with you because it's such a good one. If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful ignoring aches and pains, if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, if you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

and if you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong. If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, if you can face the world without lies and deceit, if you can conquer tension without medical help, if you can relax without liquor, if you can sleep without the aid of drugs, then you are probably a dog. If most of us are honest and we are bearing witness to ourselves when we're stressed out, we will recognize we're acting in ways that really don't reflect our best, that aren't really who we want to be, we're not living from our most awake self.

So one of the most interesting inquiries I've heard is in this story, an old Zen story, is that a student visits a dying teacher and he asks them as often happens, you know, what's the teaching of your entire lifetime, what's the pith teaching? And the teacher replies an appropriate response. That's the teaching. Now that might sound very dry like you think he might be saying you know communion with the great mystery

or dissolving into boundless love or whatever but that the teaching, the accomplishment, the goal, an appropriate response. So before you decided to sign up for a different Zen path or whatever consider this. Imagine meeting different or encountering these difficult situations that can come up in life. For instance, say your child is bullied at school or a work colleague slanders you in some way or you're just with a friend who just tells you that they have a terminal diagnosis,

a sibling lashes out in blame, someone makes a racist remark in your presence. how do you respond? And are you responding in any of these situations? Are you responding from your most awake, conscious, present mind, from your intelligence, from your compassion? In other words, are you living true to yourself in your response? And when we really start looking at that, when we start realizing how much it matters, that when we encounter the different situations in our life,

we're able to respond from an awake heart. Like when dust is dust, that matters. We start getting a bit of the flavor of what the Zen teachers were terming an appropriate response. One way to think about it is if you look back at what are some of your greatest regrets or where was the real suffering in your life. It's when we were in the grip of, in some way of upset, or of fear, or of greed and we said things or did things that were hurtful. And that's usually the kind of alchemy of it.

We hurt ourselves. We look at phases of our life when we were caught in something and we hurt ourselves, our appropriate response to a situation rather than an appropriate response we ended up overconsuming in an addictive way or doing violence to ourselves. And it's the same thing with society, the responses of a society to different situations. If we look at societies and we look back in time we can feel a real huge horror when we see the reactivity of cycles of violence and genocide and rather than our response that came from a more sane place, how the limbic

cycling happened. We could see that with horror and we look back, we don't have to look back, but we look back in history at slavery, at continuing racism. We don't look back, we're looking right now. The horror that we don't call on our highest self to be able to really inhabit a heart and mind that can see each other truly. We'll look back with horror and many of us already do at our inability to respond to this earth, that there is a dis-ease of our earth body, that we're, I think of sometimes like a bystander effect because there's so many of us and it's just happening we don't quite get the urgency. We'll look back at not having the appropriate response on that and we already do.

So we're going to emphasize them a personal level here with the the understanding that how you live today is how you live your life. And if today you can begin to get the knack of when things happen responding from your sanity and from your heart and from your deepest intelligence, whatever you practice gets stronger. It just becomes more and more part of how your life is, and you might think back on today. And sometimes it helps to close your eyes and just notice if there were any encounters today or any happenings today where you are challenged in some way and how did you respond? And did it come from a place in you that feels like your wholeness, your spirit, you're a

weak heart? So we're going to be looking at how to move from react to respond, how to look at how to look at moving from the limbic reactivity we all get caught in and the situations where we most want to be able to call on our best and respond whether we call it the appropriate response or really it's the bodhisattva path responding from an awake heart. And as I do I'll be inviting you to pick something, you know, to pick some place that you get caught in a reactivity you really want to uplevel your consciousness in that particular place.

might be considering that. One of the challenges is that the limbic habit of response, whether it's something like somebody judges us and we get defensive, whatever it is, there's a temporary relief that comes with it and that's what hooks us. In other words, to shift from react to respond we have to pause and not react our old way, but that can feel really uncomfortable. So instead we go right into our reactions to ways of control. things and putting people in their place, you know what I mean?

That keeps us hooked that we get a kind of temporary relief. One woman put in the personals, it's called the captain's Frito Good Home. And on one side, it's divided into two parts. On one side there's a kitten. It says, beautiful six-month-old male kitten, orange and Carmel Tabby, playful, friendly, very affectionate, ideal for family with kids. Or, you can pick either one.

The other side's a picture of a young man. handsome 32-year-old husband, personable, funny, good job, but doesn't like cat, says he goes or the cat goes. Call Jennifer, come see both and decide what you'd like. So we know how the inappropriate response is often that we in some way try to get back at people. When, you know, you shove me, I shove you back. So that's the way we're pretty hooked because we're trying to get control.

So we either will judge them back or we'll... ignore them or punish them in some way. Or, we can react inappropriately to situations by when we don't feel good numbing ourselves with too many sweets or alcohol or oversleeping or whatever it is we use. But whatever we're doing, the inappropriate reaction, it deepens every round. So keep in mind that what we practice grows stronger, which is both a bad news, good news thing, because the bad news is every time we react with judgment, we deepen the groove. But every time we begin to follow a pathway of shifting to a wise response,

we're creating new neuropathways. That's where the hope is. The sign of an inappropriate reaction or limbic reaction is there's some level of suffering. If you're suffering, that means in some way you're caught in a smaller sense of self and you're living from a more limbic kind of reactivity. And sometimes it's a real great feeling of a small self. When our reactions are really obviously hurtful to others or hurtful to ourselves or creates real separation from people, then we know we're in a reactivity that's really causing suffering.

Sometimes it's just mild sense of embarrassment that we're not, we're off. We can sense that we're off and if others are watching us be off, it's not, it's a little it's even worse. Jonathan shared with me a few tweets that people sent that kind of illustrate this. And one of them, woman says, I bought Preparation H for Under Eyebags. I told the clerk she didn't need to bag it because I was going to use it in the car. Another one, I walked up to a baby holding stranger thinking it was my sister at my daughter's soccer game and said, give me the baby. One more. These are just reactions to situations where people are off.

This one, the sandwich shop cashier said, what's your name? And then she goes, me, oh, I have a boyfriend. The cashier said, for the sandwich. So we do stuff and we get embarrassed and it's just a subtle version of it. But the common denominator is this. When we're in reactivity, when it's not an appropriate response, we're caught in what's sometimes called selfing. In other words, we're living in a small egoic sense of self.

Our world has shrunk. It's like I have this cartoon of a therapist wearing a kind of robe and the guy on a couch responding to these Rorschach test pictures. It's called Narcissus takes a war-shock test and with every answer it's me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, every ink plot, me, you know. And that's our world. When we're in reaction, it's all about what I need, what I fear, what's wrong with you, what's wrong with me, but it's focused inwardly.

So the inquiry that we're going to look at together is how do we show you? shift from that selfing and that reactivity that leads to hurting ourselves and hurting others, to living from really the awakened heart if you want to call it that, sometimes we use the language of the future self which is our manifesting the fullness of who we can be. How do we make that shift? And as a way to context the pathway about three weeks before we can be, 9-11, I went to a conference that was sponsored by the Tricicle magazine. And there was a key question that they were addressing on it, what allows people to heal, awake and touch freedom?

So this was the theme of the conference. And it was, by the way, it was held in the Twin Towers. So there I was at a conference in the Twin Towers. I was in a lineup of five opening presenters and each were asked to address that question. What brings freedom? And I was really, really nervous because I was the only one that wasn't really well-known and I was the only woman and I was second to go. So the first person to go was this really well-known person, many of you've heard of Richard Baker-Roshy,

He's a Dharma heritage Suzuki Roshi. So he's going first and I figured, okay, he's going to get up and he'll give his peace and it'll give me a chance to center and kind of sense what's most important about what I'm going to say. So he gets up there and he bows and he says, transformation, awakening comes down to two things. Intention and attention. Thank you very much. And he said, what I wish I had done was said, like he said, but I didn't have the wits

about me to do it and I have no idea what I said of course, but I remember what he said that the heart of this practice, the transformation, the shift from react to respond requires intention and attention. Okay? That's where we're going with this. And intention, if you have thought already as I've been speaking about a place where you react and you want to respond, to the degree that this really matters to you, that's the degree that change will get energized.

So if let's say you're, because I'm going to tell a story about a parent and child, let's say you really want to be able to respond, not react to a child from a wiser place, a more balanced place. If it really, really matters to you, then what will happen is you'll deepen your attention in a way that'll allow yourself to change. Intention really matters. One of my favorite teachings in the whole world, and I think this might have been Suzuki-Roshi. It was as a Zen teacher is that the most important thing is remembering the most important thing, right? So if you remember it really matters to you to get out of the habit of reactivity to whatever, whether it's to your partner or to feelings of loneliness and restlessness or whatever it

is you're reacting to in a way that's harming you and keeping your life more imprisoned, if You know that matters. And you actually in some way you're praying and when I say pray I mean you really care about being more awake, that'll direct your energy to your attention. You'll pay attention in a way that'll change things. So how do we pay attention to change things? This is where the two wings that we explore here all the time come in. We pay attention by when things are going on, let's say we have just been criticized, asking

that question what's happening right now, that's the wing of mindfulness, what's going on right here, and then the ring of compassion begins with, okay, can I just let be for a moment? So we're pausing. When stuff comes up rather than react, we go, oh, what's happening right now? Can I be with this? Because then we have a chance to be able to get down to what's really the place in us that we really want to respond to rather than the default which is always going to be our limbic reactivity.

I'll give you an example because the bottom line is you have to pause. Whatever comes up the answer is pause first. If you can pause for 10 seconds you have a much better shot at responding from a a higher part of your being. So a very simple example from my life is that for years and years and years I felt I was overworked and too busy and I had this idea that in the future I was going to change things so I'd have more spaces and I wouldn't be always feeling like the oppressed victim of busyness and so on.

And I kept finding that I had scheduled again yet another busy year or season or whatever. And when I started looking closer, I realized that every time I was asked something to do something, I had a mix going on and one of the parts of my inner narrative is I'm never really contributing enough and I need to do more and it was kind of an old and stalled guilt thing of never enough. And then another part of my self-narrative is FOMO, the fear of missing out. So I didn't want to like drop that opportunity because wow I could try out something new and create something new and reach these people and blah, blah, blah. Well, between FOMO and guilt, I was doomed, you know? Really, think of it. I was just deadly. So, I just kept

recreating that busyness. Now, before I go on with how I work this out, I'm still in process on this one. So I need to confess, but I'll tell you what's working some, which is that when I get asked something that's of any substance, I always say, I'll let you know, I don't make a decision because then I'd be reacting from those two limbic energies. I say, give me time. And then in that time, I say, okay, what's my deepest intention? Well, my deepest intention is to serve and savor. My deepest intention is the well-being of this body-mind and all beings, but both, you know,

and one have to have. So I come back to a little more wisdom before I make the decision. I'm still influenced by those two forces so I haven't worked it all out but the pause has made some difference. The quote that comes to my mind most about this of going from the limbic, you know, kind of habit energy to wisdom is by Victor Frankel. between the stimulus and the response, there is a space and in that space is your power and your freedom.

And I'll tell you one of the first times I saw it in action so powerfully this pausing was and I wrote this up in radical acceptance, some of you may remember it, was when I was working, I was teaching at a retreat and doing an interview with a man who had come who was in kind of the mid-level of Alzheimer's. He came with his wife, he needed her to show him around and get him from room to room and actually help him eat and so on. But he was there and he was really glad to be there and when he came in for the interviews in a really good mood and I asked him, you know, kind of what gives? Like what's allowing you to have these, the spirits you have? And his response was, I don't think anything's wrong.

It's like, you know, it's like a tree when it drops his leaves. This isn't wrong, it's just what's happening. And then he told me about something that occurred early onset. This is what struck me. He was teaching and he's a psychologist but he also gave seminars and so on. And also he had been meditating for 15 years, you should know that. So he was, he had a group of, you know, 100 or whatever people and he was, and he had a group of, you know, and he was about to speak and he went completely blank.

Like he, not only did he not know what he was going to be saying, he didn't know why he was there or anything. Okay? So here's what he did. The first thing was he just paused. And then he brought his palms together and he began naming what he was aware of. That's that wing of what's happening.

He said, okay, heart pounding. and then he kind of bowed, embarrassed, bow, afraid, confused, you know, tense. And then finally, after some time of naming and bowing, he said, relaxing a little. And when he looked around, a lot of the people sitting there had tears in their eyes and one person said, you know, no one has ever taught us the Dharma to the teachings in this way. And what had he done? Well, instead of reacting to a situation, you know, where you're befuddled, leaving, you know, in some way doing something that was reactive, he paused and then he just started naming

what was going on and making room for it. The bow is like bowing to what's there. Okay, I don't have to like it but I can just acknowledge or honor this is the reality of the moment. saying yes. So this is our practice if we want to shift from react to respond, we pause, we notice what's going on, we let it be there so that we deepen presence. And in that deepening of presence we have a far better chance of then responding from our resourcefulness.

Now the challenge is, as I mentioned before, that When we're reacting, we're reacting because we're uncomfortable. It's like there's an itch we want to scratch, right? I think that's a great metaphor. It's like you know how it is with an it. You know when you scratch it it makes it worse, but it's okay. You just know that you want to scratch it. So if you want to shift from react or respond, you have to be willing to not scratch the

itch. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable to pause, to not scratch the itch. Like for me to not scratch the itch, like the itch would be to say yes to something, I had to just say not, I'll let you know later. For this man instead of pretending that he knew what was going on or just exiting he just had to stand there very publicly, just have to stay. Now one of the domains when it's hardest to not scratch is when we're in conflict and particularly when we make mistakes. It's very hard when we make mistakes not to in some way cover up

or defend or justify ourselves or whatever. And in one situation this is a staff meeting at a science journal, had their staff come together and one of the editor, head editor, questioned one of the journalists about sources for an article he was putting together, a sensitive article. And he was really bothered, let her know that, of course, I confirm them. That's what we do, you know. It's legitimate. And she let it all slide, meeting continued, but she was uncomfortable. She had reasons for double-checking because this was a kind of a controversial issue they were doing.

But she really didn't have to. She could have just given them the benefit of the doubt and so on. And she also, as the meeting went on, had a chance inwardly to pause and realize her deepest intent was to really promote the sense of trusting the staff and so on. So at the end in front of everybody, she sincerely acknowledged what she felt and she just apologized without any self-justification that it just hadn't been necessary. And it was well received and healing. And she told me how she really had to tolerate the discomfort of having the part of her that

had good reasons not saying it. But it allowed the apology to be clean. And I'm using this as an example because it's not one of these big life examples of major trauma drama but it's a real life example of where instead of reacting the way we typically would to justify ourselves in some way we really really. can put it down and really sense my deepest intent is connection or to communicate trust or love and live from, it's really a bodhisattva action then, beautiful action. Now what we'll find is where the rubber hits the road the most is going from react

to respond with the people closest to us, right? Yeah? It's where our big reactivity is. activity is. It's a man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you? Not too good, says the mother, I've been very weak. The son says, Mom, why are you so weak? She replies, because I haven't eaten in 27 days. The son says, that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 27 days? Mother answers, because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call. It's terrible, I know. But we do guilt each other and we do manipulate each other. We do it.

You know. So, and it arises, most of our reactivity with each other rises out of the want for connection, the fear of rejection, not wanting to live with, you know, out of control, we want to control each other so we'll know the other person's doing well or whatever it is that we have in our mind, it's hard to let go. When the wounds are really deep in us and our unmet needs are really deep, it gets even stronger. So it takes many rounds of practice to shift from reacting to responding. And sometimes we can't do it in direct real life.

In other words, there's not enough time. You might be thinking this yourself, yeah, but when it's happening there's not enough time for me to go, pausing, okay, I'm naming, I'm bowing, you know, it doesn't always fit our lifestyle. But the good news is that you can do it on the sidelines, you can practice the situation on the side. And just as you know a lot of science confirms that if you mentally rehearse, like mentally rehearsed, practicing, serving a tennis ball, you know, it's in your, it's actually in your nervous system and you can do it on the court. Well, same thing with when you're in a reactive situation with someone. So one woman who's in a woman who

who, and this is my mother-child story that I promised, she had a four-year-old and a six-year-old, and she was locked in a dance with the older one who just wasn't a cooperative child. She had a lot of tantrums when she wasn't getting her way and she was very bossy and domineering and hurtful to her younger sibling. So the mother's reactive strategies were being critical and making threats and overusing timeouts. And out of her anger, she didn't respond wisely. And she really was hating herself because she felt she didn't like her daughter. And that was the most painful part of it,

that the more reactive she was, the more she hated herself and felt hating herself for not really liking her own daughter. She loved her but didn't like her. She was caught in this identity of bad mother and bad daughter. And of course I asked her a question I often ask is, does blaming yourself make you more calm and resourceful and so on and of course she knew it didn't but it was actually the contrary. The more she reacted the more she hated herself which then made her react more.

she's caught in this vicious looping. So we started by getting in touch with intent which was very, very strong for her. Like she really wanted to have a loving relationship with her daughter and when she was on the sideline she'd get in touch with it. And then we did some rain which for those of you that are new and not familiar that's bringing the mindful... two wings of what's going on right now and can I be with this, it's applying it to a situation using the acronym Rang.

So for her she'd recognize, okay, I'm feeling angry and judgmental and ours recognized and I'm feeling shame and disgust with myself and then the A's allow, okay I'm going to sit with that, I'm going to allow that to be here. The eyes investigate. And when she investigated, she just believed she was failing and that she'd always been failing people that she loved. That was the investigate. And I invited her to investigate and feel that in her body what that was like.

And as she did it she could really remember her mother basically saying, what's wrong with you? Always. So she really got in touch with the investigating with bad personhood. And then I asked her to nurture, that's the N. And she had a call on kind of an ideal mother to remind her of the message that she basically had a loving heart. That was the nurture, you have a loving heart.

She did many, many rounds of this on the sidelines, not while she was with her daughter but she'd get triggered and she go, okay, triggered, feeling anger, feeling shame, recognizing it, letting it be there, investigating, sensing what's going. on, nurturing, okay, I have a loving heart, I love my daughter, I love my daughter, and feeling that loving presence. And as she started doing that more regularly, she could start seeing her daughter more clearly. She could see from the sidelines how anxious her daughter was. This was an anxious six-year-old.

She could see how much her daughter wanted attention, how out of control she felt, how she needed boundaries but she needed incredibly loving boundaries. She could start seeing that. So it allowed her to start engaging with her daughter differently. She would get triggered with her daughter and something in her would be going through that process in a kind of a very quick way and she found that if she could get her daughter laughing or if she could make requests when her daughter made requests she'd say draw that for me. She just had more creative options to draw on. And so something loosened up, there was more space.

But I'm sharing this because she had to do many rounds on the sidelines before she could break the pattern of reacting to her daughter with anger and with kind of controlling aggressive energy. And it meant the world because for her the sense of aggressing on her daughter, she felt like she was being emotionally traumatizing herself. She was violating her daughter. So it was an important shift. So what do we get from this? We can't always do it on the spot, we need to practice on our own, the practice is always going to involve some self-nurturing. That's key. But once we have it in our nervous system we can begin to shift with the people.

people are with. Now I want to widen this out and say, we train in these practices, and it's really the bodhisattapha path, the path of compassion, so that we can uplevel our own patterning and bring more care and peace to the people we're with, but also because it ripples out in a way that helps to change consciousness on the globe. We need a way when societies that are at each other can pause and face their inner fears and be able to dialogue. We need ways of people being able to step out of the violence and respond from their hearts. This is one of the, this is not just the Buddhist path, this is all spiritual paths, really talk about coming from our highest consciousness and it's very much a part of the Aikian.

Aikido training and I want to read you a story from the Aikido world that I thought is one of the most beautiful expressions of the appropriate response that I've ever heard. It's a little bit of a longer story than I sometimes read but I think you'll appreciate it. Background on Aikido, the founder of Aikido taught that Aikido is devoted to peace. It's the art of reconciliation and they say whoever has the mind to fight has broken his connection with the universe. So this is a do not react, you have to respond philosophy. And the story, which is by Terry Dobson, who is an Aikido student who was living in Japan at the time. And when he experienced this event I'm going to tell you about he was young, he was fit,

and even though he's trying to live true to the keto doctrine of don't react, respond and everything is for peace, he also has to be. a hero urge and an urge to set things straight and to punish the guilty. So that was still in his system. So his Akito Foundation got tested because one day he was on a train and a big drunk guy came on the train and he was yelling obscenities at people and he went up to a woman with the child and he pushed her and she filmed the lap of somebody else and he's punching at people and so Terry decides he's going to teach this guy a lesson. So I'm going to read from there on.

He said, I'd been putting in a solid eight hours of a keto training every day for the past three years. I thought I was tough. Trouble was my martial arts skills were untested in actual combat. But this is it, he says. I thought to myself and as I stood up tall. and proud to confront this menace to society, this slob, this cruel animal, is drunk and mean and violent. People are in danger. Seeing me stand up, the belligerent drunk relished the

chance to focus his rage. Aha, he roared, a foreigner, you need a lesson in Japanese manners. He landed a heavy punch on the metal pole beside him to give weight to his words. Holding on to the commuter strap overhead, I gave him a slow look of disgust and dismissal. I I gave him every bit of pissed off nastiness I could summon up. I planned to take this filthy turkey apart, but he had to be the first one to move. I wanted him to be mad because the matter he got, the more certain my victory. I puckered my lips and bloomed a sneering insulin kiss. It hit him like a slap in the face.

All right, he hollered, you're going to get a lesson. He gathered himself for a rush at me. Yet just as he was about to lunge, a single syllable shout pierced the air. Hey, the word instantly sliced through the thick intensity of the moment. I was stunned by the strangely joyous, lelting quality of it, as though you and a friend had just been searching all over for something important that was lost and he had suddenly stumbled upon it and loudly shouted to you, Hey!

I wheeled over to my left, the drunk spun to his right. We both found ourselves staring down at a little old man. He must have been well into his 70s, this tiny gentleman sitting there, immaculate in his kimono. He took no notice of me but beamed delightedly at the laborer as though he had a most important, most welcome secret to share. Come here, the old man said, an easy Japanese vernacular beckoning to the drunk, come here and talk with me.

He waved his hand lightly towards the seat next to him. The big man followed almost as if on a string. He planted himself belligerently in front of the old gentleman and towered threateningly over him. Talk to you, he roared above the clanking wheels. Why the hell should I talk to you? A drunk now does back to me. If his elbows move so much as an inch, I'd drop it in his socks. The old man continued to beam at the laborer. There's not a trace of fear or resentment about him. What you've been drinking, he asked lightly. His eyes sparkling with interest.

I've been drinking sake, the labor billowed back. And it's none of your goddamn business. flicks of spittle splattered the old man. Oh, that's wonderful, the old man said with the light, absolutely wonderful. You see, I love Socky too. Every night me and my wife, she's 76, you know, we warm up a little bottle of Sochi and take it out into the garden and we sit on the old wooden bench that my grandfather's first student made for him. We watched the sun go down and we look to see how our persimmon tree is doing.

My grandfather planted that tree, you know, and we worry about whether it'll recover from those ice storms we had last winter. Persimmons do not do well after ice storms, though I must say, ours has done rather better than I expected, especially when you consider the poor quality of the soil. Still, it's most gratifying to watch when we take our sake and go out to enjoy the evening, even when it rains. He looked up at the laborer, eyes twinkling,

happy to share his delightful information. As the bewildered drunk struggled to follow the intricacies of the old old man's conversation, his face began to soften. His shaky fist slowly unclenched. Yeah, he said slowly, I love for Simmons too. His wavering voice trailed off. Yes, said the old man smiling and leaning slightly forward, and I'm sure you have a wonderful wife. No, replied the laborer to this so strangely friendly man and a softer sullen voice. My wife, she died last year. The suddenly changed drunk hung his head in heavy sorrow, then gently swaying with the motion of the train this big, burly man who was so threatening just a moment ago began to sob.

I don't got no wife, I don't got no home anymore, I lost my job, I don't got no money, I don't got nowhere to go, I'm so ashamed of myself. Big tears rolled down his cheeks, a spasm of pure despair ripped through his body. Just then the train arrived at my stop. The platform was packed with bustling humanity. The busy crowd surged into the car as soon as the doors open. Maneuvering my way toward the door, I heard the old man speak sympathetically. My, my, he said, with heartfelt care yet undiminished delight, that is a very difficult

predicament indeed. Sit down here and tell me about it. I turned my head for one last look before leaving the now crowd. train. The laborer was sprawled like a sack on the seat, his head in the old man's lap. The old man was looking down at him with smiling compassion, his hand stroking the filthy, matted head of this confused soul. As the train pulled away, I sat down on a benched days with all that had just happened. What I had wanted to do with muscles and meanness had been deftly accomplished with but a few kind words. What I just witnessed was true Aikido and

combat, the essence of it was love. As the founder always said, I yearned to be able to move from the heart like this old man in using the deep principles of Aikido. Yet it would be a long time before I could fully embody what I'd seen on that unforgettable ride. So I wanted to explore with you the appropriate response because it's actually quite a deep path as you can sense. It really has to do with pretty much anything that comes up on our life.

Can we pause and connect with really our true nature in responding? So that we'd close with a little bit of a practice just to give you a taste and of course anything we do now do on your own and you'll get more from it. How we live today is how we live our life and whatever we're practicing grows stronger. So why not practice responses that are aligned with your wisdom and your heart? And the invitations to choose a place where you'd like to be able to do that more. Maybe a situation with another person where you regularly react, not from your best. And taking a moment a sense into you and this other person and really what your deepest intention is.

do you really want to be the feeling tone between you, the quality of understanding or connection? So just remind yourself of that as a way of beginning and then taking some moments to review the situation like a movie, be able to watch it and sense in your mind's eye what the trigger is, what is the other person saying or not saying, what's the look on their face? What's going on? This will be your cue to pause. Just to pause and rather than react we bring these two wings of attention alive.

Just ask yourself what's going on inside me right now? Maybe anger, maybe underneath the anger there's hurt, maybe there's fear, confusion, just sensing What's going on inside me? And the second wing is, can I let this be? And can I let this be with kindness? See if you can bring in that kindness. That's the end of rain, the nurturing. So you're bringing some kindness or compassion

to whatever's going on inside you. And if it helps, you might put your hand on your heart and really offer a message of kindness. Like it's okay, you can calm down. Your heart is loving. Love is what matter. or maybe this reaction belongs, it's natural, it's okay, but you don't have to act out of it. Sometimes we just send that message, I'm sorry, and I love you, to the part of ourselves,

it's upset. It can be so helpful. If you want to shift from react to respond, if you really offer a message of kindness to yourself and let it in, it'll soften your heart. keeping in mind your intention, you might let yourself look at the other through wise eyes and sense maybe what they're going through, their vulnerability, the pain they might be in, the discomfort they're in. Because if you've paused and deepen your attention it turns on the learning centers in the brain, we're able to take in more about other people.

Just the way in the story Terry Dobson was able to be able to be able to take in the story, able to, that older man was able to see past the brutishness of the behavior to a suffering human. When you look through the eyes of wisdom, what do you see about the other person? And what other choices might there be for how you can respond to the situation? If we're willing to pause and notice what's going on inside us and bring kindness to our own hearts, we find there's more choice, more freedom. to respond in a way that feels aligned with our awakening hearts.

You might imagine in the days and weeks to come that if you practice on the sidelines that when you're actually engaged you have more and more capacity to live from your true nature. From the Buddhist teachings it says the thought manifests the word, the word manifest a deed, the deed develops into habit and habit hardens into character and character into destiny. So watch your thoughts with care and let them spring forth from love born out of compassion for all beings. These last moments are sensing your intention to pause, to deepen your attention and to live from your own awakened heart. Namaste and thank you for your attention.

For more talks and meditations, and to learn about my schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabrak.com.