Tara Brach - Anger and Transformation (2020-06-19)

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

Anger and Transformation (2020-06-19) - The purpose of anger is to let us know there's an obstacle to our wellbeing, and to energize us to act. While natural and necessary for survival and thriving, this powerful energy often possesses us and leads to suffering. This talk explores how we can use the RAIN meditation in our personal and societal life, to meet anger with a mindful, compassionate presence. Freed from the identification with a limited, separate reactive self, we can listen to the message of anger, draw on the purity of its energy, and respond from our natural intelligence, creativity and care.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Namaste and blessings and welcome. So it feels really very precious to be able to bring our hearts and awareness together and attend to what's going on within us in our world. And one of the questions I've been asked a lot lately has to do with how to handle our anger. And in general, the more we're stressed, the more likely anger will be playing out. It's just one of our survival stress reactions. And here we are and we're in a very traumatized society with huge anger and rage. It's circling. around our core wound of racial violence, circling around the inequities between the races,

between classes, extreme political dividedness, bitterness, anger. And I've had many people share with me about the fault lines that the stress is producing and the anger in our personal relationships. So it's important to honor that that anger is this hugely powerful primal energy and it's one that can cause horrific suffering and it's also a force that can serve radical and healing transformation. So this is what our talk will be about tonight really. How do we meet anger with awareness? And you can begin as you know we'll be doing a practice as part of this and sensing

where this is relevant and meaningful to you. But I'll start by sharing a friend of mine who's been at protests in D.C. most days. He's a black man in his mid-50s. And he was telling me last week about how much he loves the energy of the young people that are showing up. And he says, he told me their anger and outrage and injustice,

their passion, their vitality. but then he also started talking about how it's the older ones at the protests like him, he put himself in that category, that were actually being the emotional regulators. They were sensing when anger might lead to unwise actions that could undermine their cause. And I was really struck by this image of the necessity and value of anger, just feeling that passion of the younger people and of the elders with that wise awareness that in no way suppresses the anger but it knows how to not get possessed or hijacked, how to guide the anger.

You know, if we reflect every social movement for justice, for freedom, it's been energized by anger. I mean, think of the Revolutionary War here and elsewhere in the United States. France elsewhere, civil rights movement, the women's rights movement, gay rights movement, and in any relationship, it's often, I see this again and again, it's often not until angers unearthed and mindfully processed that were actually capable, both of healthy boundaries and real intimacy. So we need to honor the enormous power of this energy to move us in ways that really are transformative. And we know the huge suffering when anger takes over.

We know it, we can see it historically on a societal level, that it's really the force that drives the cycles of violence and all the horrors of wars. And we know in our personal lives, I mean, each of us probably can look back and it probably is not ancient history, that when we're possessed, and I call this like a limbic hijack, when we get possessed by anger, it makes us small. It separates us from others.

And for so many it leads to destructive behaviors that not only hurt others, but they really hurt ourselves. in the deepest way when we get possessed by anger, we're really cut off from our full humanness, our full spirit. So I really felt it would be valuable to reflect together. How do we navigate with awareness? And I'd like to name three principles up front and then we'll unpack them. But the first one, as I've been kind of pointing to, to is that like all emotions, anger's intelligent. It's natural, it's necessary and it's intelligent.

I mean, its function is to let us know that there's been an obstacle to meeting a need, an important need, and it might be an obstacle to our feeling safe or feeling loved or respected, an obstacle to justice. And anger lets us know about that and then it moves us to act in some way to meet that unmet need, to resolve the problem. So that's principle one, that its anger is necessary, it's intelligent, it's natural. Principle two, which I've also been pointing to is if anger takes over, if we get hijacked, when we get addicted to anger and blame, we don't meet our needs. It only increases our suffering. So that's principle. principle two, and principle three is that we can awaken the awareness that can guide or channel

this energy towards healing, towards transformation. In other words, we can activate that wise inner elder that can totally honor that energy and guide it. Okay, so we're going to take them one by one. And the first, again, is that it's a necessary, intelligent energy. it's part of our limbic system that's designed to help us survive and thrive. And it alerts to obstacles to our unfolding and it provides the juice to confront. And I found that there's really a big misunderstanding, especially in spiritual and religious circles, that anger is morally bad. and I'm sure many of you have felt this and have seen through that perspective that it's something

we should censor, that it's a sign to being immature or less evolved or impure in some way. And that, of course, leads to suppressing anger, repressing anger, often getting depressed because we're pushing away that life energy. And it also leads to not taking care of ourselves, not taking care of others. really it can be paralyzing and then of course what happens often is that when we've been suppressing anger then it suddenly explodes in ways that aren't useful a good number of years ago I was working with a woman who was an abusive relationship and her husband would drink and he'd get violent with her it was usually an emotionally violent thing his language but several times he

physically assaulted her. Each time, and not just with the physical assaults, each time he'd really be violent in his energy, the next day he'd apologize and be begging her to stay. And she lived with this for eight years. Now, just to give you a bit of background, she grew up in an abusive household. Her father drank, her father cheated on her mother, her father eventually left them and like her mother she was making excuses for her husband and she was also hoping that he changed so she put up with it. So when we started working she could cognitively acknowledge yes she was being harmed but she was really depressed and disconnected from the energy of the anger. And periodically, when she would feel it, and it felt so big underneath, like the

seismic shift, she would be frightened of it. And her basic reaction, as we've been describing, was to censor it, I shouldn't be feeling this, this is bad, I'm going to get out of control, I'm going to cause trouble. So with therapy and with meditation, over time, I gradually helped her to feel safe enough to feel her anger, to open to her body's response to violation. And she got in touch with huge rage towards her father and towards her husband. And it was an intelligent rage. And it was empowering. By opening to its energy, she felt her capacity to create the boundaries she needed to create, which were to leave the relationship and to seek help.

from friends and others to make a new life. Now, I'm going to come back to her story, but I share it because it's so necessary sometimes for us to make the changes that we need to make to let ourselves feel the messenger of anger. Now, what about anger on a societal level? Because as I mentioned, it's what wakes us up to injustice, to the harming of those who are most vulnerable,

to the harming of humans, to the harming of non-humans, to the harming of our larger body, the earth. It's like we have to feel that agitation often of, hey, this is happening and this is an abuse of violation and injustice to move. Well, it's often stifled by the dominant culture. And I've seen in white Buddhist communities this kind of spirit. ethical ethic of anger being an unwholesome energy. It's changing now how Buddhism is taught in the West, but I've seen this and how confusing and painful it is for people of color. People of color have been systemically violated by society and of course anger arises. And I have, in our community, I have friends of color who have

felt silenced and diminished and made wrong by this way of teaching, that anger is unwholesome, that your anger's not spiritual. Women have the same experience in response to the injury of sexism. There's anger and then they're berated for being out of control and overly emotional and disregarded. It's definitely a tool of the dominant part of our culture to then push under others when they get angry. So principle number one, as we're talking again, anger's natural, it's intelligent, it's there to help us meet our needs and it's a necessary part of energizing us towards change. Okay, principle number two, that anger ends up bringing suffering if we get hijacked, if we get addicted to it. So what happens when the anger button

gets jammed, when we just keep on being angry? Well, we know what it's like that our minds get absolutely hooked by resentment and blame. We're just circling in these thoughts. And our bodies are continually agitated by cortisol and all the other stress chemicals that come with anger. And our muscles are tight because we're tensing for fight. Our digestion gets slowed when that's happening. And our actions aggressive, out of control, We intuitively know that sustained anger is no longer a healthy messenger. And yet part of our predicament as a society is we get addicted to anger and aggression and often look for it in leaders.

Some of you might remember Jack Handy, he puts it this way. says, I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate, and I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. We know the compelling force of anger, and on an individual level, when we get possessed, how addictive it is, how much we want to lash out. I'll give you another example, similar teaching as the above, and just to note, this is not from the Buddha. When you get angry, take a breath and count a 10. Throw a punch at eight.

That catches them off balance. So, forgive me, but just tossing in a few strange little things here. But who hasn't experienced how when we're angry, the last thing we want to be. want to do is count to 10, you know? The nature of anger when we're hijacked is to impel us to aggressive action to remove the problem, remove the obstacle to our needs and do it now. And that becomes a habit. So here's the thing. When we're hijacked, when we're possessed by anger, we actually act in ways that stop us from getting what we really want. So let's take that, let's slow down with that for a moment.

When we act out of anger, when we're possessed, we actually don't meet our needs. So you might consider, by way of example, let's say anger takes over and we act out, you're angry with your adult child because they chose to spend the holidays with their partner's family and not with you. So out of that upset and anger, you attack in some way. blame or you make it a passive aggressive slight, will that meet the underlying need you have for inclusion to be special, to be cared about, to have understanding? It's like our anger actually pushes away others.

It creates defensiveness or more aggression back towards us. We don't get what we're actually seeking, which is understanding. anger so often that we're wanting care, that we're wanting understanding or we're wanting respect. There's a saying, speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. And we kind of know that, don't we? So anger-driven aggression doesn't meet our needs. Here's what's important to know that we still get hooked on it. It's addictive. And how come? I mean, why is it addictive if it doesn't meet our needs, our deep needs? And the reason is because it gives us a temporary hit. It gives us a temporary biochemical,

psychological hit in the form of false power, in the form of feeling inflated or elevated. It's not true empowerment because we know it disappears with the next insult or rejection or misunderstanding and then we're more hooked on more blame and more aggression. But it turns into a habitual substitute and the more we're hooked on reacting with blame and anger, the more our sense of who we are solidifies. It becomes we get identified as an angry self. a separate self, a victimized self, an aggrieved self. And you can see the same thing with a group or let's say a nation

that's always responding with anger and blame. Then the identity becomes the entitled, aggrieved, bullying nation. And that may strike some familiar chords for some of us. So the principles again. One is that anger's natural and intelligent. Two is that when we get hijacked and addicted by this limbic messenger trouble. And maybe we'll pause here. And I'll just invite you, if you will, to check in and let's see what you might find out

about yourself in this. So you might close your eyes and come into presence, take a few full breaths. And you might bring to mind a situation where anger takes over. What's happened recently or not so recently when you felt that hijack where you've been possessed, you've acted out. Maybe it's something with your children or parents, a sibling, a partner, maybe something in the workplace. and once you have a situation in mind, now's the time to be a witness, witness with interest, kindness. And notice in these moments, do you have any access to a bigger picture, any real understanding of what might be going on for the other person?

Do you have any understanding of what you're really wanting? what's your real deep intention behind the anger? Do you have a sense of the unmet need? What's going on? In this situation, do you get what you want? Does your anger work? In this situation, do you like yourself? What's the sense of who you are when you're in the grip of anger?

And again, you can trust that by witnessing with interest, what happens, it actually gives you more of a understanding to begin to interrupt patterns, to begin to call on the inner wisdom that can support you. So this leads us to principle three, which is we can learn to relate to the energy of anger in a healing and liberating way. And if you haven't already done, it, it's fine to open your eyes. So here's the encouraging news. As a species, we've gotten better at modulating anger. With the help of our still evolving prefrontal cortex, we're more capable of down-regulating, meaning anger comes up and there's parts of us that have perspective and mindfulness and compassion that can say, okay,

There's something we need to attend to, but it's not going to work to be violent right now. We can modulate. And evolutionary psychologists point to a real decrease in violence and an increase of human collaboration over the centuries. So we're moving in the right direction. And it's like we are gaining access. We do have the presence of the wise elder in us who honors the role of anger, guides us so we don't get taken over. That is the direction we're going on. And meditation,

having a sincere intention to wake up in this way actually gives us more access to that wise inner elder. So we see with Gandhi this really well-modeled, he took off a day each week for meditation and prayer. And he claimed that he paused in this way to go inward to ensure that his activism came from the deepest part of his being. And I've always been inspired by that, that many of us have causes we're serving, things we're doing that feel so important and good. And yet we end up in our way of working and people.

and working with others, not really living from the very place that could allow that cause to be most furthered. And so anger is this message to do something, and yet if we know how to pause, it can be guided by wisdom. And I'd like to give you an example of how this can work. And I'd like to go back to the woman I was telling you about earlier. who had, was managed because her anger helped to energize her to get out of an abusive relationship. And she did get, she got divorced and reached out to me several years later when she was in a new relationship that was in trouble. So her anger had helped her to leave her abusive husband, but it hadn't gone away. And her new partner was not abusive, but she felt triggered and

angry at him a lot. She was angry at him for being loud, for being messy, for the ways he didn't listen, for going out more than she wanted him to, for letting her down for things. And she'd let him know. I mean, she was on him and then he'd become defensive and angry at her for always blaming him, for making him feel like a bad person. That was the situation. So we decided to revisit what was going on with her with Rain. And rain is a way of when your anger is directed outward and your blame is directed outward. Rain is like making a U-turn where you bring all that attention fixating blame outward and you actually say, oh, well, what's going on inside me right now? So for her, she recognized, okay, anger is going, I'm angry at him, and when she started investigating,

you know, allowed her anger to be there, that's the A of Rain. For those that are listening, I'm so used to talking about it, I sometimes forget to just name the acronym, R's recognize what's going on, A is allow, and then she started investigating, that's the eye of rain. the anger. And she found underneath the anger was hurt. And the hurt had a kind of belief to it that said, if you really cared about me, you wouldn't act this way. So this means you don't care. And when I invited her to really get in touch with that hurt, she felt very, very young. I said, how old do you feel? And she was four years old. And I said, well, what's going on? What does it remind you of?

And she said, I'm alone and nobody cares about me. You know, father's unsafe, violent. This wasn't her language, but that was the feeling. And mother powerless, preoccupied. And she got in touch under that anger with a huge grief. And so that's when we could turn to the nurturing, which is the end of rain. And we asked that grieving place in her that nobody. cared about what it needed and as you can imagine the nurturing it needed was to feel in some

way seen and held and not left alone. This is the unmet need that was driving the anger, asking for attention. So her way of nurturing was to kind of in a way call on what she imagined to be the most wonderful loving mother of the universe, the most that family, that family, that feminine energy and just feel it washing into her and hearing the message, you know, I'm here, I care, I'm not leaving you. And so she spent a lot of time in her meditation with both hands on her heart and imagining that energy from the divine mother saying, I'm here, I care, I'm not leaving you. And that helped her when we work together. She could feel, and this is during after the rain, which is the crucial part of the practice, because that's when you start sensing

who you really are, she could sense that that loving presence was really who she was. And she had to practice many rounds. She would get angry and blame outward because rain's never a one-shot. And then do that you-turn and pay attention to what's going on and come into that place of feeling that hurting, not cared for, and then again, I'm here, I care, I'm not leaving you. But over time, she found that she was more and more, that was a real healing process, and she did talk to her partner, shared more of her past, and how come she was getting triggered. And that was a very vulnerable thing to do, but it brought them closer, because she wasn't blaming him so he could actually be paying attention to her needs more and

join her in trying to take care. Let me share with you one of the phrases that has impacted me hugely and that is vengeance is a lazy form of grief. Vengeance, that acting out, it's a lazy form of grief and it's a lazy form of fear and it's a lazy form of fear. It means we haven't attended to the grief or the fear, but instead we've just lashed out. And so it becomes really important to have that inner elder that says, okay, come back. Let's attend to the needs inside first and touch into under that anger and blame that the pain of loss is so often there. And under that's the need for love and

connection. So if we can offer that inwardly, then we can be empowered in our relationships to speak our truths, to make requests, to set boundaries, to act for change, but it's coming from a more whole sense of our being. Final part. Many of you listening may be wondering, okay, but what about the anger felt towards public figures, towards societal groups? What about when I'm caught in blaming and really feeling dislike, hatred, aggression towards others? They become the enemy other. So I want to speak to this because it feels so important for our own and our society's healing. And I'll speak for myself here that especially in these current times where it's so immediate

and so painful to sense how many people's lives are being lost, how many people's lives are being devastated with the virus, with the economy crashing, when it's so clear, this re-erruption and in our collective awareness of the centuries of violence to black bodies and minds and hearts. Every time I hear the news and it in some way reminds me of the immediacy of all this kind of suffering, I have that triggering that leads to blaming those I feel are causing harm, perpetuating harm. So this is what happens. And I have found that Rain, this kind of making this U-turn and pausing and attending to what's inside me, has been amazingly powerful.

So what I'll do? I'll read the newspaper and I'll hear something that triggers that blame saying, you know, this is where the harm's coming from, aversion towards individuals or groups. and a feeling of anger, that's what comes up in me. And then I'll say, okay, time for rain. And I'll make the U-turn and I'll recognize, okay, anger, aversion. I'll allow it to be there. And I want to just pause here and say,

it's really important to allow the anger to be there, to not try to push it away, to not try to figure it out or be compassionate or do anything but just let it be there. It's also important to let it be there, but at some point get out of the stories of the blame because you will not be able to investigate what's inside you if you keep running in the mind what's wrong with someone else. Staying in blame towards another absolutely blocks from being able to do the investigating and the healing work inside.

So I will notice the stories of blame, I'll allow the anger to be there, but then I'll start investigating what's going on in my body, what's going on in my heart when this is going on. And what I'll get in touch with under the blame and anger and under the aversion is a feeling of fear and a feeling of powerlessness. to stop this from happening. And then under that is a grief about all the suffering that's going on. And right in the heart of that grief is care. You know, I want others to be safe. I want them to be taken care of. I want justice. So when I can investigate and get down to that caring, that caring presence really reconnects me with more of it.

a sense of wholeness. I'm back in touch with the wise inner elder and I can actually then be more purposeful and energized in acting. So it doesn't stop me from acting, it actually brings more clarity and I've gotten very involved in many different ways in terms of social activism. and if you're interested in what right now is a key domain for my engagement. Just check my homepage on my website. So here's in terms of part of closing together the big picture. And I often quote Ruth King, who has a wonderful book, Mindful of Race, who says, Anger is initiatory.

It's not transformative. And I think this is our understanding here that we need the energy of anger, the younger people at the protest. We need that energy. We need it. And we need our wisdom and care to guide that energy so it's transformational. Because here's the thing. It's your caring, not anger, that will actually seed a more just and loving world. It's your anger.

I'm sorry, let me say that again. It's your caring, not your anger, that will seed a more just and loving world. Many of you have probably heard of the killing fields of Cambodia. More than a million people were massacred by the Khmer Rouge. And then after that happened, Mahagosananda, a very well-known Buddhist monk. He was known as the Gandhi of Cambodia.

He led thousands of traumatized refugees. They'd been at UN camps. He led them back home after the massacres. He led them through what have been called now the killing fields and the jungles. And throughout, as he led them, he would continually be chanting from this Buddhist text. hatred never seizes by hatred but by love alone is healed this is the ancient and eternal law

hatred never seizes by hatred but by love alone is healed this is the ancient and eternal law so in this chant he was guiding Cambodians to another way to live When I look inward, when I've been triggered, what I find is that I'm actually not angry at an individual and I'm not angry at a group. I'm angry at hatred, hatred that's appearing because the real cause of suffering are the universal energies of greed, hatred, and ignorance. And they live through us all and they keep us separate and fearful. And when we investigate, we're angry at this conditioning that's blocking us from love.

Anger in its deepest essence is our love that's trying to move us towards reconnection by removing obstacles. So my friends, as we close, and we're going to practice together, anger means you care about your well-being, about your own and others' well-being. and the more you call on that wise elder in your heart, you know, meeting the anger with awareness, the more that energy can be put in service of a loving and just world. So let's practice together.

This meditation is on bringing awareness to anger, calling in the wise inner element. elder. You might close your eyes, you might take a few full breaths. I invite you to bring to mind a person or a group that triggers your anger. A person or a group that's become in some way the other, the enemy other, the bad other. It could be in your personal life, could be more societal wide and as you bring that person or group to mine sense what is going on that creates your agitation now consciously calling on awareness so that you're bearing witness we begin rain the r of rain recognize the strongest emotion in you maybe anger blame hatred aversion

you might mentally whisper what you're aware of. The A of rain is to allow it to be there. You might just say this belongs. It's like a wave in the ocean. It's natural. And begin to investigate with interest. You might even ask yourself, well, what am I believing when I'm feeling this?

And then sense under the storyline, where do I feel this in my body? And feel it. Let the feeling of the anger, the hatred be as big as it is. And to help you get in touch, you may let your facial expression show that and your posture. For some people, making a fist, tightening their jaw, keeping the image or the sense of who and what you're angry at there. And then feeling into your body, feeling the physical,

feelings, the emotion. Let it be as big as it is. Then you might sense underneath it, what's there? What most wants attention? If you couldn't be caught in this anger, what would you have to feel that's underneath it? That's painful. Is it fear? Is it hurt? Is it powerlessness? And have that courage and kindness just to stay and feel what's here. or allow it. What's the deepest feeling of vulnerability there? The deepest unmet need? Is it for love, for safety, for yourself, or for others? What does this anger really want to get you? What is it you really want? This can lead to nurturing. So sense, does this vulnerable place want to be understood, want to be embraced, want to be protected, want love, want compassion.

And the nurturing is to offer to that place what's most needed. Just be the wise inner elder that can offer tenderness, can offer that loving embrace, can offer compassion or if it helps you can call on something larger to offer, it could be a loved one that you know, cares about you, or a spiritual figure, to bring a nurturing presence to that unmet need. For some, imagining light and warmth, just bathing them, to imagine a real presence close in of one that cares, the protection and embrace. to feel held, to reconnect, to belong. And then for these last few moments of the meditation,

just sense the quality of presence that's here. Whatever has shifted, whatever is open. You might sense where you started from, possessed, angry, feeling a victim, feeling a small self. To really this presence and care and wisdom and you might look through the eyes of your inner elder and scan the situation that you're in, scan the situation that triggers you. And from your wise self, what response is being called forth will really serve?

If your deepest intention is to protect or to heal or to find justice or to have more love, what response in this situation will move you towards that? And if there's no answer, just let that inquiry be there. And finally, since that you are part of many others right now, reflecting with courage and presence on this powerful energy that lives through us, reflecting with presence on what we're really caring about and how to move our lives and our world towards that so that we can feel our shared prayer to let anger energize a true healing in our own lives and in society. Hatred never seizes by hatred but by love alone is healed.

This is the ancient and eternal law. Okay, opening your eyes, taking a few deep breaths. Thank you. Thank you for your willingness to inquire together and touch into what's real. For those that are interested, there are discussion groups that follow this class. And for all of you, I'm sending you all blessings to take. good, good care to be kind to yourself to others and to honor the life that's arising. I hope to be with you soon. Thank you. For more talks and meditations and to learn about my

schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabrock.com.