Tara Brach - Gateways to Happiness

Episode Date: June 23, 2010

2008-02-06 While we all want to be happy, our habitual ways of pursuing happiness leave us dissatisfied. What prevents us from being happy? What is true happiness? How do we relax and open to the blessings of our life that are always and already here? Though these reflections we explore together our potential to live from a profound place of inner freedom, peace and happiness.

On one Monday a month for much of the year, I teach a class called Deepening Practice, which really is a chance to sit silently for 45 minutes. And then we have a dialogue about the teachings, questions, and sharing. And often what comes up in that circle inspires me as to what I'd like to talk about here, and that happened this Monday, when one friend brought up how she is really, really awakening a sense of compassion, really deepening her attention to where others are suffering and feeling that tender response and finding there's just a huge amount of sadness with that. You know, once you open, it's not so easy to cover over.

And so what we really explored is how Chogion Trunfo, one teacher, says it is really, there is an unconditional sadness that we feel when we're awake, that we get it, that yes, they're suffering, and that's the response of an awake heart. And it's not the whole picture, that there's also beauty and love and mystery. And if you read the newspapers, you don't get all of what's happened on every continent

through all of history, which is infinite, not countable human kind. We don't get that. And so what happens is our minds have a habit of fixating on what's wrong, what's unpleasant, what's painful. And it's a bit like Velcro. It's like when something bad happens, we just, not only do we grab onto it, we rerun it and rehash it and re-digest it. And it's part of our survival equipment to do so. It's like if something unpleasant happens, we want to make sure we're geared up to protect from the next go-round.

But unfortunately, we don't have that same availability to really cherish the kindnesses and the beauty and the moments of presence that really connect us, that have a feeling of home. We kind of slide right over or so much on our way to something else. So it opened, and the person that brought this up and said, oh yeah, you know, when I pause and savor, There's a tremendous amount of joy that doesn't shut out the compassion and the sorrow but has a vastness to it. The Taoists describe the path as the 10,000 joys and the 10,000 sorrows. And because we tend to so often fixate and get a little grim, and I do think we get a bit grim, and I see it in spiritual communities as much as anywhere in the whole world, There's this, you can go to retreat and it looks like this very serious business of waking up, you know.

And grim does not work, by the way. First-hand experience. I realized at one point that I wouldn't do a path that didn't have an incredibly strong dosage of fun. Because grim doesn't, it doesn't actually, it's not a conducive atmosphere to being a whole being. So happiness research is a big deal right now, probably many of the, of you've read, you know, the articles, there's research all over going. And one of the big findings is that it takes an intention to be happy. And it's not an intention to shut off the unpleasant because that doesn't work, but it's an intention to savor so that we have that wholeness of being.

That's what I really want to explore tonight with you, is a reflection on really what is the path to happiness. This Dalai Lama, almost every time he speaks, he says, everybody wants to be happy. Nobody wants to suffer. And yet, when we're honest and we really scan our life, at best we're kind of getting through the day a lot of the time. Well, let me ask you to reflect for a moment, maybe to start that way, just to check in. And I'm just going to ask you a few questions. So this is really anchored in what's true for you. Does happiness matter to you? Do you have a longing to be happy?

Do you experience happiness often? And what about today, yesterday? Do you sense as the causes of happiness for you? Today, yesterday. Maybe the inner precursor or circumstance, the outer. what is happiness like? That's really the question for you right now. What's it like when you're feeling happy?

In your body, what's it like? In your mind? Can you just say the word and call on it right now? Just kind of relax and be available and just say, happy. May I feel happiness? And just sense of taste? What's it like? So we'll continue through the evening

and I'm going to, we'll do a bit of practice and really what is it that helps us arrive in a kind of genuine sense of happiness. And to say that the Buddha described different kinds of happiness, and he described worldly happiness of the passing pleasures through the senses, and the polyword pomoja. This is a worldly happiness. And it's usually very fleeting, a good taste, to perfectly aim to compliment that comes our way.

Really, you're 63? You only look like 61. Who knows? Your team wins the Super Bowl or the Super Delegates, or you know what it is, but you get a surge. And often this kind of fleeting, passing, Pomodja is described as unwholesome, and that's because we tend to fixate. And I'm going to speak more about this because we get caught in the pursuit of this level

of happiness in a way that actually, sabotages our capacity for true joy. That's a lot of the teachings that we have to have it a certain way to be happy and that doesn't work. But just to say that even though this pomoja is hitched to the senses and externals,

it can be very wholesome and it can create an atmosphere that allows for a deeper kind of happiness. And examples of that are when we're feeling you see beauty and you feel up willing of gratitude, and that's a very wholesome kind of happiness. Or you see the light in your child's eyes

and your heart kind of softens, or there's a sense of wonder when you look in the night sky. Pomodja can be very beautiful and very wholesome, too. There's not a grasping, you can feel that. So we'll go into that. But I want to just name the deeper level of happiness the Buddha described is called Sukha. And Sukkah arise,

in a way that's not in any way dependent of anything being a certain way. In other words, it has nothing to do with what's going on outside or inside. It arises through natural presence. It arises through presence. And this happiness can be described as the inner freedom of experiencing our intrinsic wakefulness and love. In other words, experiencing what's naturally. here. It's that kind of freedom. It's another way of saying it is that Suka is the happiness

of truly being at home, truly being at home. And you might again just sense, well, what does that mean for you? If you close your eyes and say, well, what does it mean to be at home? There's different language for it, but this kind of happiness has to do with a sense of wholeness, connected. desire for something more, something different. So again, we'll continue to reflect, but we had a women's retreat this weekend, and I got a note from one person who really described a taste of sukkah that I wanted to share with you. It was just such a beautiful note. We had done a reflection on what really mattered to us, and it came out of that reflection. She wrote this. She

says we usually save our thanks for the end, but I have so much to be thankful for already. I was supposed to be at Carnival in Brazil this weekend, but I'm here. As you know, I had to cancel my trip because I'm completing some necessary radiation treatment, the last leg I pray of this three-year journey with breast cancer. Brazil was supposed to be my celebration, but for some reason I always had doubts it was the right way to celebrate for me. But as usual, life had its own plans for us. Hello, cancer. And I'm here and not in the streets of Rio in what is possibly the polar opposite vibe to being in refuge with you. But after last night's sitting, especially after thinking about my reflections or visions on the path, I realized I'm having my own carnival in my

heart. I'm having my own carnival in my heart. That reflection literally warned my heart. Flowers, birds, monkeys, giraffe, my dog, Suki, jumping around. Who needs floats and drunk people? Thank you. I am so thrilled to celebrate joyously and exuberantly in peace and quietude. Maybe the most reliable thing about life is that we can't rely on anything and that whatever we plan can be completely messed with, including having our body stay around or remembering words or having people we love around. And that until we find this, what she described as the carnival

inside her own heart, the home that's here, we're going to be tugged around and we're not going to really have that taste of freedom of true happiness. What happens for most of us is we stay pretty hooked in a daily way to trying to be more comfortable, be more happy,

and the very way that we pursue things day to day for most of us when we look the very way we go after being happy actually obscures and removes us from the one place we can find it which is here so there's a basic misunderstanding that we go by which is if we can hold on to pleasant stuff and if we can avoid unpleasant stuff then we'll be happy and that is the basic guiding principles when we're somewhat diluted. And one student I know put it this way because this idea of holding onto the pleasant stuff, you know, and it's a basically, we're trying to control

what's uncontrollable. She described it as trying to hold on to a moving rope and getting rope burn. And I thought that was an excellent description of duca our suffering. That if we're trying to manage our life, we're going to get rope burn. The basic language is used a lot

in describing this is if only mind. That when we're honest, we'll find that we have inside us some version of if only da-da-da-da, then I'd be happy, then things would be okay. And we're either waiting for things to change or waiting to get something. It's like now is not enough as it is. It might not be a great, egregious bad thing right now,

but there's just we're waiting for something. We're kind of leaning forward. We're waiting for the next moment to contain what this moment doesn't have. Often it's very specific. This if only mind, you know, just financial security, our health, if only we could finally get to health

or our weight, or its recognition from a certain person, or getting the security we're really looking for in a certain promise, in a certain relationship, our feeling that we've accomplished something specific in terms of our careers, then we can relax,

and then we can be happy. So it's like we don't really give ourselves permission to completely live this moment because we're just have a few things on our list, if only. And of course, the fixation of what the if only changes over time, you know, what we obsessed on as an adolescent, shifts and well maybe it doesn't maybe it's the same I know Ramdas went to a

conference on aging and he described his story was of an elderly man walking in the woods passed upon and hears a sound pst down here pst down here it's a frog and the frog says if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for the rest of your life so this old man just

leans it down, picks up the frog, puts the frog in his pocket and keeps walking. And then he hears another, hey, aren't you going to kiss me? And then the man said back, well, at this point I'd think I'd rather have a talking frog. On the same lines,

I saw a cartoon of a very old couple and rockers, you know, one sitting next to another and they're just rocking him, and he says to her, now you want us to have an open marriage? Anyway, our if only, changes over time. But I just think would be valuable. Just take, let's pause again. Just reflect for a

second for yourself. So the basic teaching is that as long as there's an if only, as long as we're pursuing and have to have things different, we can't come home. We can't find what we want here. So it helps to sense what's your if only right now? What are you waiting for to change? Currently have you conclude it is wrong or interfering with life, what is it you're really wanting to have happen? Sometimes for some of us it's just, oh, if only I can get X, Y and Z done, just to know that if we can bring mindfulness to where the fixation is, there's more choice. To the degree that our life energy is organized around if only, having things different, we're increasingly distanced from the very happiness we seek.

The Rose said that we spend our life fishing only to find it wasn't fish we were after. Okay, so you can open your eyes. And just to say, I like to bring in that this fixation, this only mind is really part of our design. Again, part of survival is being able to fixate on things and go after them. And part of the evolution of consciousness

is to be able to recognize that and see where it gets in the way. But I think it's important not to judge the fact that we fixate, because that just adds another layer of confusion. I saw another cartoon, and in this one, there's a mouse in a mouse hole, and he's the therapist. And outside leaning against the wall is this dejected-looking cat, okay, his patient.

And the mouse is saying, don't worry, fantasies about devouring the doctor are perfectly normal. So just a little bit more about the unwholesome pomoja, how by fixating and pursuing the what we want, it doesn't actually deliver. Okay? I mentioned the happiness research. I just want to mention a few pieces of the research I thought were really interesting in the last couple of years that came out. One many of you probably know, which is that we have a biochemical set point for happiness, which is biochemical, each of us, that we tend to land at a certain. level of happiness. And we always overestimate when we do the if only how much happier

will be if such and such happens. And we always also overestimate how much will be brought down by the wrong thing happening. And so we organize ourselves around getting this and getting away from that, but it doesn't actually affect us the way we think it would. Our set point is rather steady are stable unless we actually meditate, which I'll get to. This is a sales job here. All the research is pointing to the truth. Okay, so research piece number two,

which is that they've actually found in terms of aging that people are actually not grumpier, they're happier as they get older. This in general doesn't mean everyone's that way. But the finding is that for younger people, there's more of a fixation on the future and worries and accomplishing on what needs to be different, what we need to be happy, and with aging, there is a certain wisdom about I'm going to die, there's not that much time in permanence, and there's this motivation to enjoy the moments.

I read in psychology today, quote, we search for happiness in eager anticipation and joyful memories, but we're better off paying attention to each moment as it passes. So that's two, that when we're aware of mortality, aware of truth, that it's all passing, we actually arrive in the very place where happiness is found here. Research piece number three, which most of you have heard of, is that when people have pets are serving others

or have real meaningful relationships, they're not so fixated on, me and mine and what I need and there's more of a sense of happiness, that connection brings happiness. And it's found that with compassion practices where there's an attention to caring about and wanting the best for others, it actually, there's a shift in the brain of where the blood flow goes from the left to the right prefrontal cortex, which has to do with a shift to feeling more of a sense of a unitive experience, harmony, peace, and happiness. So that's part three, when we are in relationship, when we're not so fixated on self.

And then the fourth one is what I mentioned on meditation, which is that when we quiet the stories that really are stories of I need more of this and less of that, when we quiet the stories and become more relaxed, we relax the whole sense of a wanting self. and there is this shift, as I mentioned, to the right prefrontal cortex, and it over time changes the happiness set point. I find interesting as this research correlates with what the Buddhist describe as the three main characteristics of really reality itself, which is Dukha. Dukha is the suffering that comes from wanting it different.

Anitia, which is the truth of change, when we really get things are changing, there's not so much holding on. There's more of an opening to what's right here. And anata, which is rather than fixating on a story of self, a realization of the belonging to the whole, that there's not an entity that's separate here, but rather a sense of connection. Weiwuai says, why are you unhappy? because 99% of what you do is for yourself and there isn't one

there's a monk from Thailand his name is Ajan Jumnin and he's an incredibly delightful cheerful being and his mantra is happy happy empty empty and it's really empty of this self-preoccupation it doesn't mean we don't take care of this body and heart and wine

and doesn't mean that we don't, in the relative plane, have an idea of a self moving through time, but there's a deep realization, a deep, deep realization of this story of a self being a story, and of the who we are as not hitched to some small sense of self, but rather the awareness, the presence, the heart that's here. So Pomoja arises from the sense place, We often get fixated. I wanted a certain way. We get into trouble. But what I'd like to talk about is how this level of the sense pleasures actually can be a part of a meditation towards a wholesome kind of happiness. And it's going to sound familiar when you hear it, but it's something we forget. And the first part of how we can kind of intentionally, intentionally wake up our hearts to more happiness is.

is the simple reflection every day of what we love. It's gratitude. And I'm going to name the different meditations and then we're going to practice a little. The second way that we decondition this habit of something's wrong and fixating on something's wrong is when there's something that's beautiful that inspires us, when we see the goodness in another person,

something that reminds us of the mystery, nature, pause, and really take in, ah. You know, it's as Kurt Vonnegut said, if this isn't nice, what is, you know? Like, ah, and take it in viscerally, the sense of the pleasantness, because this isn't grasping, this is savoring. And it deconditions the habit,

to skim over the beauty and fixate on the what's wrong. If all you did this next week is in the moments, and we think that there aren't so many sometimes, but in the moments where there's a sense of, oh, this moment's enough. You know that enough feeling? Are there something beautiful? Like you just maybe today,

if you felt that sense of the warm air and you just felt the pleasantness of relaxing into the warmth, or there's a sound of a bird or you see someone looking happy and you get happy seeing them happy to pause the third practice

is the practice of META which is intentionally looking to see the goodness in others we tend because we are anxious or busy to not really pause and see who's there one woman described to me

I worked with her last year her child grew up with a range of disabilities and now's in her 20s and living independently but has a certain amount of emotional suffering kind of shame and anxiety of been outperforming up to her age level and this woman asked me

should I send her white light to heal her problems and my response was well you could do that but there's another level which is the deepest gift you can offer her is to see who she she really is. In other words, don't fixate on the story of a disabled daughter. In other words, if we really remember what we are underneath the stories, if there's presence, there's tenderness,

there's heart, there's mystery, to see that in another, to see the light that's there. So the most powerful gift we can do is to see that in another. And I asked her, who is she? Who is your daughter, behind the story of disabled person. And it was wonderful. She said, well, she's curious, and she's incredibly gentle. She's warm. She's very funny, sensitive.

And then the tears started coming. And so that was her practice, was to feel in herself a kind of loving appreciation, like right now to pause and sense, if you think of someone and you sense their goodness, oh, what does it feel like in my body to appreciate that, you know? That was her practice. And she described how their relationship really shifted.

She stopped being the mother trying to respond to a problem child and became kind of, you know, the word namaste. I see the divine in you. It was almost like she was just seeing the divine in her. Very beautiful. So that's the beginning of metta, loving kindness practice. And then the fourth thing I'll name is that when we're feeling that sense of the beauty, the goodness, to offer blessings, may you be happy,

may you be peaceful, may I be filled with loving kindness? So we'll just practice for a few moments together. These meditations that are designed to remind the heart of what's true when we have forgotten, to remind the heart. It's like that what I began by saying is that it's beautiful to feel compassion and see the sorrows and yet we tend to not see the whole picture.

This is how to see the whole picture. So just feel to begin with, just be here and just feel your breath and you ask yourself, so what do I love? What am I grateful for right now? And feel your sincerity as you honor the grace that's in your life,

what you care about, what matters. As you're reflecting, you might soften the eyes, feel the half-smile. Just let your body relax so that as you sense what you love, it might be a person, it might be the feeling of walking in the woods, it might be the quietness that happens when you meditate,

that you can actually pause right here and now and just appreciate. Like in your body, appreciate what you love. This becomes a kind of classical loving kindness practice as you sense the what you love as a particular person. So bringing someone that is easy to love to mind and sense what you love about that person, sense the beingness behind any personality

what it's like when this person's happy, when this person is feeling and expressing love, when this person's entertained or tickled by something. But as you let yourself sense, just the aliveness and goodness of this person, just feel viscerally in your heart, your body, the appreciation. You might sense a blessing you'd like to offer. It might be, may you be happy.

May you be filled with loving presence, loving kindness. May you be peaceful. May you be free. And as we explored a little earlier, bringing your attention to your own body, heart, mind, and if it helps to really sense presence with your own heart, just to put your hand gently on your own heart, and offer yourself the blessings.

You might just simply say, may I feel happy right now, sense the slight smile, sense the possibility of just coming home into this moment, relaxing home, and touching that natural happiness of being right here so that the word happy echoes in your body, you find the echo of what it really means. May I be happy?

And if it's hard to feel happiness, to bring a very gentle presence to that, because this isn't about manufacturing something, but rather opening to the possibility and then being very honestly present with whatever's true. You can't do it wrong. Just be sincere.

May I be happy? So this is an example and of course with any of these meditations you'd wanna take some time with each of them. We just kind of did a romp through them. Next week, when Sylvie is here teaching, she'll be dropping you much more into some of the nuances of this final, the meta practice.

But for right now, I just wanted to walk through them with you because these are examples of how we can intentionally remind the heart of the possibility of happiness. Now, that's pamoja. The sukkha, that's the unconditioned, That's the happiness. It's not dependent on anything. It's not even guided. arises from a complete presence. The Suka, the pomoja, what we just did can set an atmosphere.

It can help to get us here and open us. But with Suka, the liberating kind of happiness, there's no doing, there's no controlling. I read this somewhere that the mind is constantly trying to figure out what page it's on in the story of itself. Close the book, burn the bookmark, end of story. Now the dancing begins. So this is in Suka, we really put down the stories. We put down the techniques.

There's just a sense of this, what's described as choiceless presence, this willingness to be with whatever's there. And that can mean the deepest grief it can mean great pleasure. One of my favorite stories of a person at retreat was a man who went through a real

roller coaster and he dropped into the deepest sense of fear and shame and a lot of grieving of loss and then he went up to great places of expansiveness and peace and open. He just did a whole ride over a period of nine days and in an interview

towards the end he said you know I think I understand the joy is in getting real. In Suka, it ceases to matter what weather system internally we're experiencing because we discover the freedom to bring a open, wise attention to whatever the weather is and discover that what we are is not the story of a self that's feeling grief or the self that needs something to be a certain way. but rather we inhabit the presence itself.

That is home. The presence itself. So one of the great life insights that I find arises and often it happens in these longer retreats is really that this deep happiness has nothing to do with anything external. As I mentioned earlier, we don't have to go to the conversation,

carnival. We don't have to have a certain weather system. We don't have to have things go our way. If we're honest and we monitor, we're always tracking to have things go our way. And the freedom is when it can be fine, however. You know, Choggyam Tronpa had a great expression. He called it the lion's roar. And he said, it's the confidence and the profound happiness that comes when we get that whatever happens in life, there's room in our hearts and minds for it. And more than getting our way, getting the raise or the partner or the whatever,

it's this deep sukkah, this happiness of the lion's roar, that life, living, dying, your team winning the Super Bowl, whatever, you know, it's okay. And there's a verse that I've shared here before that many of you remember, that I think really captures it. In this choiceless, never-ending flow of life, there are an

infinite number of choices. One alone brings happiness. To love what is. To love what is. For me, one of the biggest realizations is that whatever I think I'm longing for, like in any moment, whatever I'm longing for, that it's already here, whatever I'm longing for. And that the way that we realize that is to sense the longing and then trace it back to heerness. Come right here and feel the source of the longing. This is Kurt Vonnegut. He writes, True story, word of honor. Joseph Heller, an important and funny writer, now dead, and I were at a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island. I said, Joe, how does it make you feel to know that our host only yesterday may have made more money than your novel Catch 22 has earned in its entire history?

And Joe said, I've got something he can never have. And I said, what on earth could that be, Joe? And Joe said, the knowledge that I've got enough. Not bad. rest in peace so as a way of ending just to say that I think that in our life

it is the Dharma the practice of awakening a happy heart come from both the what I call skillful means of remembering what we love the gratitude the meta and when we start quieting it comes

from that choiceless awareness that has the wisdom to include whatever arises. But just as a way of kind of giving you a flavor of what's possible, when we begin to inhabit this during the day, I thought I'd refer to one of the great gurus for many of us, and this is called Things We Could Learn from a Dog. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride, allow the experience of fresh air and the wind and

your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often your skull, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends. light in the simple joy of a long walk. So let's close together. We'll just again sit quietly for a moment. Let your senses be open and awake. Listening, feeling the sensations

of aliveness that are here, really letting this life live through you, relaxing even more with the slight smile, sensing what it means to love what is, to open your heart, your presence, to exactly the life that's here, to not resist, not control, to discover the freedom of unconditional presence.

These are the words of Naomi Nye. She says, it is difficult to know what to do with so much happiness. With sadness, there is something to rub against, a wound to tend with lotion and cloth. When the world falls in around you, you have pieces to pick up, something to hold in your hands like ticket stubs or change. But happiness floats. It doesn't need you to hold it down.

It doesn't need anything. Happiness lands on the roof of the next house singing and disappears when it wants to. You're happy either way. Even the fact that you once lived in a peaceful treehouse and now live over a quarry, of noise and dust cannot make you unhappy. Everything has a life of its own. It too could wake up filled with possibilities of coffee cake and ripe peaches

and love even the floor which needs to be swept, the soiled linens and scratched records. Since there is no place large enough to contain so much happiness, you shrug, you raise your hands, and it flows out of you into everything you touch. you are not responsible. You take no credit

as the night sky takes no credit for the moon, but continues to hold it and share it, and in that way be known. Namaste. The teaching you have received has been freely offered. If you would like to contact the Insight Meditation Community of Washington

to make a donation or to learn more about our programs, please visit our website at www.com. cw.org