Tara Brach - Listening to the Song - Part 1 (2017-02-22)

Episode Date: February 24, 2017

Listening to the Song - Part 1 (2017-02-22) - Listening is more than a communications skill, it is a capacity that awakens our awareness. As we learn to listen inwardly, we begin to understand and care for the life that is here. And as we listen to others, that same intimacy emerges. In this two-part series we examine the blocks to listening and the practices that cultivate this essential domain of human potential. Our focus is both on the transformational power of listening in our personal lives, and also the necessity for deep listening if we are to bring healing to our wider society. Your support enables us to continue to offer these talks freely. If you value them, I hope you will consider offering a donation at this time at www.tarabrach.com/donation/. With gratitude and love, Tara

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely, and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. I'd like to begin tonight with a story I heard many years ago about an African tribe, and in particular in this African tribe, the way the birth of a child, the birth date was remembered, and it wasn't remembered by the actual date. The child was born. or when the child was conceived, as is in some cultures. But the date was when the child became an idea or a thought in the mother's mind because all of life really comes out of awareness.

And when the woman decides she's going to have a child that fills her and she goes off and sits under a tree by herself and she listens until she hears really the song of the child's soul in some way calling to her. And then after she hears that she goes back to the man that is going to be the child's father and she teaches it to him and they make love to physically conceive the child and in some way they're singing the song as a way to invite the child in. And then as the story goes and I'll read it, the mother teaches the song to the midwives and the old women of the village so when the child arises the old women are around her,

the midwife and they sing the mother. song to welcome the child. And as a child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child's song so they fall down, if they scrape their knee, whatever, somebody can pick the child up and sing the song to them. When the child goes through then, grows up and goes through rights of puberty as a way of honoring that person, they sing the song. And that's the way it goes through life, through marriage, the songs of the men and women or women. are sung together and when that person's ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song. So when they're lying they're ready to die they sing it song for the last time to that person.

So I love that story. It speaks of a kind of sacred presence, a listening presence that really allows us to feel the spirit of one another and sense the same. a deep kind of belonging, a true sense of community and connection, which is so far from what so many experience in this current society. And especially in times of fear and aggression and stress, people don't listen to each other. In fact, everyone begins shouting louder and louder and tweeting more and more prolific really and condemning more and more adamantly. And it's to get attention to prove a point and the silence really disappears. So these are noisy times.

And what I'd like to explore is really how do we listen to the song. The last talk I gave was on truthfulness. And tonight, in this one, I'd really like to talk about the silence and the listening that are the very grounds of being able to touch and express truth. We can't be honest with others if we haven't really listened to what's true deep inside of us. And in spirit of being really the change that we seek, we'll explore how this listening really can be, right here in our lives like today with the people we're with, the people that are easy

but we're habituated with, the people that are more difficult, that it's not some abstraction that we each can practice how to deepen that listening if we want to see that change in our society. So I'll be doing this talk this week and then next week and next week there'll be time for questions and you can if you'd like to for those of you that are listening to a podcast go to my email which is on my website on tarbrock.com and send in your questions and I'll try to answer whatever I can next week. So to begin with a cartoon where you have a married couple sitting and she's saying to him I'm sorry dear I wasn't listening

could you repeat what you've said since we've been married? So the capacity to listen is not just like this skill on the checklist of our good personhood. You know, it's actually a very profound dimension of awakening awareness. And it takes a deep quality of cultivation. It also, when it's there, really express, a very profound dimension of care and interest and capacity to be here.

And I'd like to invite you just a moment to think about, just close your eyes and bring to mind someone you know who you think is a really good listener. You might notice as you reflect on this that maybe it's a select handful. Maybe there's not too many. A really good listener. You might zoom in on one person and sense what characterizes good listening. What are the qualities of heart and mind that are there when someone is really listening well? See if you can sense, I'll just put out a few words, when somebody's really listening, the quality of just openness, that there's not interference, there's not a narrowed lens,

it's wide open, the quality of interest, the quality of care, the quality of quietness, that there's an inner silence that makes room for what's being spoken. Receptivity, opening your eyes when you'd like. The qualities that I'm describing are actually the qualities that often characterizes the archetype of the bodhisattva Kuan Yin, which is the Bodhisattva compassion. And Kwanin is described as being able to listen to the cries of the world. And not just listen. Listen and then because that arouses compassion,

act and respond to be of benefit, to be part of the healing, to relieve suffering. Listening is the forerunner. If we don't listen to the pain within and around us, we can't respond. And we've got a really noisy society and our minds get really noisy. So, if we're going to awaken our hearts, we have to deepen listening and then we look at the other question, and this is a similar kind of inquiry. Again, bring to mind someone you know who really has difficulty listening,

who when you talk to you really know and get the sense that they're not able to hear you, they're not able to pay attention. Take a moment to think of that. And as you bring someone to mind, just sense without judging, well, what's getting in the way? What's stopping this person? As you pay attention, notice if you can sense this person is preoccupied, already occupied, with wants and fears, with a level of stress, that keeps them from really being here, that they're in a kind of trance.

Like, you can open your eyes again. How many of you can sense that, the kind of trance of being distracted that really stops that listening attention? Can I just see? Yeah, most of us. Okay. So the given is that the stronger and more compelling the wants and the fears, the more narrow the aperture.

Okay? We can't take it in. and we're otherwise occupied and otherwise fixate. It's hard to sustain attention. And some of you might have seen 2015, and these headlines were all over, for anybody that's interested in communication and paying attention,

they discovered that by 2015, humans have a shorter attention span than a goldfish. We have eight seconds, they have nine. So it's an interesting thing to sense. And we know, and we know, it with our cyber relationship that our capacity to really read and dive deep into something and sustain our attention is getting smaller and smaller. We're not really very present.

So we'll just take a closer look and the invitation is to just look in your own life at how your wants and fears end up pulling you from being there, for yourself and for others. And one of the ways, of course, is that when we're, and I'll use the example of with someone else, when there's some agenda, any agenda, that we're wanting something from that person, we're not able actually to hear what's being sad.

And so one of the great little descriptions is that when in Asia when a pickpocket, sees a saint. They see the saint's pocket. That that's what our fixations narrow when we have a want. So in a conversation, most of the time we're wanting the other person to experience us in a certain way. Most of us have that. We have a self-consciousness that wants to be experienced in a certain way. We want to be approved often. And the more there's a self-consciousness. hierarchy and we sense somebody as better or more important or more powerful in some way,

the more there's that kind of a static that goes on. For some of you that our new, I share a story that I've shared before that I think's fabulous example that Franklin Roosevelt talked. He described how he had a really hard time enduring the long receiving lines at the White House and he complained that nobody actually listened to any. listened to anything he said. So he decided to do an experiment and decided that to each person that he greeted, he was going to murmur, I murdered my grandmother this morning. And the guests responded with phrases like, marvelous, keep up the good work. We're proud of you. God bless you, sir.

Finally, it wasn't until the end of the line. He greeted the ambassador from Bolivia and he said the same and the guy actually heard what he said, but non-plussed he responded, he leaned over and whispered, I'm sure she had it coming to her. So, an agenda. In some way we want to conform, we want approval. Often we want the conversation to go in a certain direction, to maybe get to a certain conclusion, or we want to prove a point. In some way we want to be right.

Or maybe, as happens a lot with parents and children, we want to fix or control the other person who want them to be different in some way. That happens a lot. So the lens narrows and we can't take in reality. Another classic example is a woman was sitting on a park bench and the bus stopped. A guy got off. He was kind of tattered and looked disheveled and so when he sits down next to her and so she says, so what's your story? And he said, well, I just got out of prison. And she said, yeah, so what happened? He said, well, I murdered my wife. And she goes, oh, so you're single.

That's a terrible example, I know. But you get the idea. So wanting pulls us from presence, and sometimes the wanting doesn't have anything to do with the person we're with. We can want to get back to work or want to go get something to eat or want something other than to be in the conversation.

but either way we're not there. The flip side, when there's aversion, when we're having in some way a sense of dislike or judgment or feeling of intimidation or fear with a person, again, we can't actually take in what's happening and who they are. So we pull away from that listening presence

from one cartoon, what are the four words that will make men run for the hells? We need to talk. And then when we feel threatened, hurt, or offended, imagine the moments that you feel criticized. How easy is it to listen when you feel like you're being criticized? We have a very, very hard time.

So, one of the worst is when we disagree and we can see this schism politically. When there's disagreement, I'm seeing so many families having such a hard time. There's a saying that the world is divided into those who think they're right. And that's the whole saying. So aversion comes up when we are trying to control the experience, maybe get away from somebody, we can drift off internally or get defensive or aggressive. Or sometimes bored. One woman writes that, author Carol Matthews, she writes,

The dying process begins the minute you are born. But it accelerates during dinner parties. So without good listening, our relationships go downhill, but you can see that we get tugged around all the time by wanting an averture. And as I mentioned, when there's a power differential in relationships, that really stops there from being listening because then there can be hurt or reward. So we're afraid of hurt or we can get rewarded. The most basic fear I want to mention that gets in the way of listening and this is more subtle.

And this is in some way the fear of not being here. of losing our sense of self. It's like when another person's talking, we want to make sure we have something to say back. We want to make sure we matter or we're here or we count. So our selfness, our sense of self gets reestablished if we keep on processing our thoughts and comments and so on so that we have a comeback.

We're preparing to respond. And so in the moments that we get really quiet, if we really took the risk and the words came, somebody's talking and we really put aside all of that, there can be this scary feeling of groundlessness like, well, wait a minute, I don't know who I am and I'm not safe because maybe I won't have something to say. So there's this whole inquiry of, you know, how much of the time we're, when we're in conversation to, it's self-referential. Do we keep coming back to what I think and what I want to say

and my judgment and my opinion? And when that's there, we can't take in another person. We can't listen to the song. Somebody, a friend last year told me this story of a guy that's talking to a bartender in a bar and he says, I know I'm nothing, but I'm all that I can think about. And we know how that is. We're very self-referenced.

So, I'd like to just pause right here. I've given you a few examples, some silly ones, but I think you get the idea. Just take a moment to close your eyes and we're going to sense in our own lives now where the static happens and the invitation is to choose somebody that you care about. who you want to bring more of an authentic listening presence to, somebody that matters in your life, that you like to be able to be more awake and present and be able to listen to the song, listen to what's there. The beginning of learning to listen is to become aware of the ways that we leave.

the block. So take some moments considering this person and sensing a typical situation you'd be in. And with interest, without judgment, just with interest, just notice what gets in the way for you. Notice if there's an agenda with that person where you're wanting their approval or their cooperation or if there's some unpleasantness that comes up, some fear or judgment or aversion that stops you from listening. Is there something hierarchical or there's a different sense of power, a sense of superior, inferior? If you have some need to assert your selfness in there. And see if you can just notice what happens not only without judgment, but that this is natural conditioning.

We're all working with this. And just to feel yourself holding it in a way that you want to be more aware of it so that when you're actually in the situation, you can bring mindfulness to it and choose to deepen your attention. Feel that as your intention. The intention is to be more aware of the static. And we'll explore, we'll move now to exploring ways

that we can bring ourselves more present when the static arises. But the beginning of it is wanting to listen, caring about it. And as you sense that, there's a crucial understanding here which is listening is actually an evolutionary capacity. It's a capacity that happens as we evolve our consciousness and it involves a kind of inner quietness, a silence inside, a letting go of that selfing. The thoughts keep circling. So to respect this as a process that takes training and it takes a lot of self-compassion. But intentions the beginning, intentions what opens the door.

The poet Mark Nippo says, to listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear. To listen is to lean in softly. the willingness to be changed by what we hear. If you'd like to open your eyes, please do. So the beginning of cultivating a listening presence is this intentionality. It's really the bodhisattva intention that we really want to be more present for our own awakening and the awakening of others. And it's like any other major mastery, it takes 10,000 hours of deliberate practice plus some, okay? So to be real patient with yourself. There's a couple of things that really help.

One is to have an anchor for your attention, a support for your attention. For some people, when they're listening, the support is to just feel themselves breathing as they're listening so they know they're here and if their mind gets scattered and someone come back, feel the breath and know I'm right here talking. Some people soften their hands or feel the way their body is sitting or standing so that there's a sense of being embodied. Some people have certain words that are a kind of reminder and I'll give you some example of those in a story that I tell you. But having some preset anchor because the given is that there's going to be static. The given is that the aperture will get narrowed and you'll be off somewhere else.

So some way to come back really, really helpful. The second is to think of the qualities that you would want to bring a very, very dear friend if you were really going to show up for that person. And the basic qualities would be interest. I mean, what's it like when somebody is listening to you and it works? There's interest. Otherwise we feel insecure. We're afraid to express ourselves.

We're afraid that somebody will get bored or just be putting up with us or will be too much or what we say won't be welcomed. So interest really makes a difference. The other is friendliness, a quality of care. Similarly, if somebody is listening to you and you feel care, it's like you can let go and just be real. So the invitation is the friendliness and the care combined with the interest.

It's described as listening with the ears of your heart. So have an anchor, have the intention to bring an interest. Like, what's this person really expressing and kindness that makes a receptivity? And the last one is let go of control. and that's the hardest. It's like real listening means we're no longer trying to steer or navigate anything. In the moments when there is a back-forth and you just let silence be there after someone's spoken, because we're not used to, it feels incredibly awkward and weird.

But if you have the courage to just listen from silence and let that silence be there a little more, than usual, all of a sudden in that pause, there's a possibility for a creativity that never could have happened if you just tumbled from one idea to the next to the next to the next. Does that make sense? Now, I know for myself that there's an anxiety in me that wants to fill in the gaps and I know that's true for others. So part of that silence means the silence is including the vulnerability. that's there. This is a courageous practice, this learning to listen.

One of the, my favorite descriptions of it is that what we're doing is it's this image of this creative fountain that we're creating and that when we listen to ourselves, when you really listen to yourself, that's the beginning of true intimacy with your inner life. I mean, you cannot be connected to yourself if you're not listening to what's going on in your heart. In a similar way when we start listening to others there's a kind of intimacy and it actually allows for more of a flow and the image of a fountain is that all of that water is coming from the same pure source of awareness but if somebody hasn't been listened to and this is a lot of us in the way we've grown up in this culture.

If we haven't really been listened to, the fountain dries, it kind of shrivels and crusts over, and what comes through is kind of stale. It's repetitive and it's stale and it's not vital. But once someone starts listening, there's more possibility of that pure water starting to flow again. Now initially when a person hasn't been listened to what you might hear from them is a little bit repetitive or you might feel kind of habitual quality. But if you hang in and keep offering the interest and the care, that fountain starts getting

stronger and clearer and purer. In other words, we can help free up each other's fountains by listening. beautiful. I think of being listened to as one of the deepest human needs we have. And if you think of what does a young child most need, they need to be seen, heard. That's the kind of mirroring that lets us know who we are, that we're valuable, and they need to be loved. And when we haven't been listened to, that unmet need really causes a contraction. I thought it was interesting a few years ago. I read it read about in China that millions of young Chinese are texting on a smartphone. It's a Microsoft

program. And there's the person or voice on the, it's not a voice, it's a texting process actually, but the, who you're texting to is name is Shao Weiss. And she's known for her intelligence and her listening skills. So millions of Chinese are texting with her and what they say is that it helps them to feel like somebody cares about them because she listens and she actually remembers things you said and asks you about them next time you text. And she was programmed to be actually quite sensitive. So, and they're working on a Siri-type voice

so they can actually have the talking as the next iteration. We need it. We need to be listened to. So listening both wakes up our own consciousness, when you have the power to live, listen, it actually allows you to rest in a much more open, sensitive place with the capacity to respond to your world like Kuan Yin. And it's a blessing to those that you're with. You can use Rain as a training in listening.

Rain is basically the acronym for compassion and mindfulness. Recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture. give you an example. One woman, her name's Kate, went to a training and mindful listening and decided that she wanted to try it out with her mother who through her life had been really a very difficult mother, very self-observed. She was an author and very narcissistic and she felt like the whole world circling around her and she would hold forth and not be easy to be around. And so when she went home to visit, she went home armed with her tools. And you can see how using rain allowed her to be with her mother. At first, her mother would talk incessantly

about her friends or gossip or whatever. And so Kate's anchor was her breath and she would just keep coming back to her breath. So recognize and allow was first to recognize her own. own feelings of being impatient and frustrated and like she didn't exist. Recognize and allow. So the beginning of listening to someone who's difficult is to listen inwardly to your reaction. If you bypass that you're not going to be able to listen. So you first have to listen inwardly and she was able to breathe with that and bring some self-compassion. It's hard to be with your mother who acts like this.

recognize and allow. And then for the investigate, she coached herself to stay curious. You know, she would mentally whisper, okay, what's happening here? And she told herself, there's time, I've got time. Why is that? Most of us have this feeling of there's not enough time. So she would say, okay, what's happening here? There's time. And she asked herself, what's beyond the words? Can I hear who she is? Okay, this is listening to the song, right? So as she listened, she began to sense her mother's need for attention to feel like she mattered.

And so the more she could sense her mother a kind of desperation, which is, you know, the core of narcissism. Empty, I don't matter, something's completely missing, grabbing for the world to pay attention. And as she began to sense that desperation, it really made her heart very tender. So with that softened heart she was able to even more be there. So after a few days her mother, when I say be there, that's the end of rain, nurture. Okay? After a few days her mother started complaining that her friends never had enough time for her. So Kate gently said, Mom, it's because you don't listen to them.

You don't listen to people. Now in the past her mother would have been defensive but there had been enough days of a genuine caring presence, a listening presence that there was more trust and that stopped in her tracks. And she said, okay I need to know about this. me more. So not only had her own connection with her daughter deepened but she actually was open to input which is rare in those situations and it made a shift over time in how she related to others. So I think of it like Kate really her listening presence allowed the fountain to begin to flow again. So instead of that repetitive attention grabbing her

mother was able to start speaking from and expressing from a deeper place and also having some space to take in others. This really is a capacity of our more evolved brain. When we're in an Olympic hijack by wanting our fear, we're not able to have that integrated presence that can take in information and really properly. process it. We're fixated in a narrow way. When we can begin to open, then we have the capacity to resolve conflicts to be in collaboration and affiliation with each other to be intimate. It's really the key to intimacy. Now I've been speaking in this class on a more individual

level. Next class I'm going to widen it out. But it's really important to recognize what happens when there's no listening in the larger society, when that breaks down. It's really important to recognize that the only response to the cycles of violence, the only response is to find a way to start bridging by listening, listening to those who are different and listening to those who are most vulnerable and need us to respond, to really listen with the ears of the heart to how many write this moment.

And there's not very many degrees of separation for most people I know have either with themselves or a family member or a friend somebody who's living in the terror of deportation. There's not much separation. Can we listen? Because if we really listen, then something in our hearts and beings wants to offer help. We have to listen. And it's a life practice and the reason I begin individually I'm going to end with our personal

lives is if we can't do it with the people we live with and work with, how is it going to happen in our society, right? So I'd like to conclude tonight by, I'd like to read you, this is Ticknott Han, he says, Deep Listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose to help them empty their heart. Even if they're saying things full of wrong perceptions, bitterness, you're capable of continuing to listen with compassion.

Because you know that listening like that you give the person a chance to suffer less. If you want them to correct the perception, you wait for another time. For now you don't interrupt. You don't argue. If you do, they lose their chance. You just listen with compassion and help them suffer less. hour like that can bring transformation and healing. I described it as a kind of silence and it's a silence that's not just listening to another

person speak, it's a silence that can then listen to our thoughts and know, okay, these are just thoughts. And it's a silence that can listen to the birds and listen to the wind and the trees and listen to the beauty and listen to the suffering. So in that spirit, I want to close with a reading from Garrison Keeler that I thought was incredible, really beautiful. It's one that when I read again I liked it even more. So for those of you that have heard it, I think you'll enjoy it again.

And then we'll do a reflection that can help you to try to bring this to where you might want to come more alive with listening in your life. So if you'd like to listen and just close your eyes, sit back, enjoy the ride. I flew into Boston in a snowstorm Sunday coming in low over little white houses in the gray murk and my connecting flight to Vermont was canceled so I rented a car and set out into the storm. I had told Vermont I'd be there

and once you start canceling things, where do you stop? It's three hours from Boston to Vermont ordinarily. I made it in six, non-stop, 35 miles per hour through the prettiest snow landscape you can imagine. Yard lights of farmhouses glowing in the twilight. The main streets of Norman Rockwell Towns lined by lit store windows. And thanks to GPS, the gift of big government, navigation was a cinch. I just stayed in the tracks, drove slowly, listening to a CD,

the Dee Galeonardo sisters singing Beatles songs in old swing tunes. I heard it eight times and pulled up. to my hotel just over the New Hampshire border. It was one of those economy hotels with a big TV in the lobby, two heads on the screen, a man and woman talking about the news, I guess, though the sound was low and nobody was listening. It was a background murmur, like ocean surf or the wind in the trees. I checked in at the desk and a man at a nearby table said, So how are you doing tonight? And that seemed to be an invitation, so I sat down. Two other men and two women at the table, a cheerful group, as people tend to be in winter once they're warm and off the road.

How was the drive, he said. Almost rear-ended a snowplow, I said. Other than that, I was listening to the Beatles. Because, eight times, which I never cared for because of the dumb lyric, but now I do. A woman at the table didn't know the song, so I sang a little of it. Because the world is round, it turns me on. Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you. Two of the men and the two women were couples

and had met last summer at a memorial service for a mutual friend of the two women. Those two had grown up within ten miles of each other in Vermont had never met before. They bonded over the death of the woman in her 50s, faced with the dreadful diagnosis she committed suicide. She had seemed rather related the day before making phone calls, and had spoken to these two women and told each of them that she should meet the other. You'd like each other and so they'd become friends. They'd come up to Vermont from Boston this weekend to put flowers on her grave for her birthday

and they couldn't find the grave under all the snow. She'd been an English teacher and one of the women, a banker, had memorized a Shakespeare sonnet about old age for the memorial. That time of year thou mayst in me behold, when yellow leaves or none, or few do hang. And she said it there at the table, and we all knew the ending. This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong, to love that well which thou must leave ere along. Their story beat mine hands down.

Near neighbors who are strangers pulled together by the suicide. of a mutual friend. We sat contemplating the lost friend and the poem, and then the conversation dwindled onto politics, and we said, good night. To love that well which you must leave air along,

the beauty of a long, slow drive through New England hills and a snowstorm. Because the world is white, it's filled with light. The faces on the TV screen and talk to our politics, but none of it matters unless you love this world and the people you find in it. You drive into the storm and meet five friends you didn't know before.

You feel their mortality in your own. The snow is falling. Love is here, love is there, love is drifting through the air. And the people in these lovely towns, how are they doing tonight? Do they have medical insurance? Can they afford to go to the movies? Do their kids learn poetry in school? In the stillness, you might take these moments just to listen, listen to the sounds in the room,

listen to the sensations and aliveness in your own body, listen to the mood of your heart right now. You might take a moment to bring to mind someone that you'd like to you'd like to you'd like to to bring this open, kind presence to, a listening presence. That's the person you brought to mind earlier. Imagine a situation, a situation where you'd like to really be there, offer that healing space, that listening attention. And feel your intention.

That's what opens the door. In my sense if there's an anchor, your breath, perhaps feelings in your body and your hands, or maybe it's some question or reminder, there's time, what's behind the words? Imagine being with this person with that interest and friendliness as they speak. Know that if something comes up in you that's difficult that you'll bring the listening inward too and just hold some presence to that. accepting, kind.

You can reopen in a fresh way what the person's saying. Sounds of listening is this inner quietness. I can relax again right now, right here, listening to sounds and sensing the inner silence that's listening. Thank you for your listening attention. And I'll look forward to continuing this next week with you. For more talks and meditations, and to learn about my schedule or join my email list,

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