Tara Brach - Meditation: Forgiving Ourselves and Others (2015-04-19)

Episode Date: May 9, 2015

Meditation: Forgiving Ourselves and Others (2015-04-19) - a guided heart practice from the 2015 IMCW Spring Retreat

The following meditation is led by Tara Brock, meditation teacher, psychologist, and author. One of the great wisdom teachings of the poet Rumi is to not so much seek after love, but to discover the blocks that we have against it. And in that spirit, in the Buddhist tradition, the precursor, in a sense, to the loving-kindness meditation is the practice of forgiveness. forgiveness, to sense where we've created a defendedness, an armoring, a distance. Often our armoring is in the form of judging and making another wrong. To sensing where that's happening in our lives.

And to forgive means to let go of that armoring. Now there's a lot of misunderstandings about forgiveness. the fear that if we forgive it's like condoning or giving a green light or saying, oh, then I'm not supposed to have any boundaries and just let people injure me or injure others. And it's not that at all. Forgiving is a movement of the heart to soften and open, but we still need that wise discernment to know how to take care of ourselves in each other. We can forgive someone and decide never to see them again or not to vote for them or

not to be married to them or whatever it is, but it's a freeing up of our own hearts. And it's said that, you know, forgiving, most people think forgiveness is a great idea until they really have something to forgive. And it's really hard because when we're injured and every one of us has been wounded, it's our natural reflex to create that armoring. So one of the most important things I've found, and I've worked a lot with forgiveness for myself and with many, many people over the years, is that our attitude towards the process is what really nourishes it or gets in the way. And if we have an idea that we should forgive or if we have a

timing on it, then we're in trouble. There's a real tendency to judge ourselves or not forgiving right. And what seems really, really true to me is that we can't will it. We can be willing. We can have an intention. Our heart can care about letting go. And that's it. And then we've kind of set the groundwork. That's what opens the door. So one of the things about forgiving that is important to know is that it's not a one-shot. Generally, just like rain is not a one-shot, you don't do rain and then the thing never appears again. We keep on repeating this process of being present with

and softening the armoring until we become more and more familiar with being that forgiving tender space and more and more we see the old self-stance of the judge or the victim as more of a storyline that we're not identified with anymore. That's the shift. That's the gift. But it happens slowly. And the deeper, the wounding, the more we need to really know it takes time. And sometimes we need support of a therapist or a healer, go really gently. Because the essential alchemy of forgiveness is a willingness to touch the vulnerability that's there.

It's not this idea of forgiving. It has to be through touching the place of woundedness. So we'll practice some today. And as we do, we'll be doing it in a version of the forgiveness practice that is in the Terra Vada tradition has three parts that I find really helpful. First, we ask for forgiveness, and then we, do some forgiving towards ourselves and then towards someone else. So it's a really very powerful sequence.

So if you'd like to shift how you're sitting in any way, reestablish your posture, please do so. And as you come into this pause and begin to open to this practice, I'd like to invite you to just sense that wholesome intention around forgiveness, to be forgiving towards the process. Very allowing to not judge yourself or hold an expectation, but rather enter with a kind of sincerity,

a non-judging attitude. Just to know that your heart wants to wake up from separation, that that's your intention. Of course, in your own language, sense what, resonates for you. The process of forgiving or letting go comes most alive when we're really awake in our bodies. So I'd like to invite you to take a moment to scan through your body and just sense if there's any areas of habitual clenching or tightness or holding. Just bring the awareness to those places and see if there might be a natural softening or loosening. It helps to soften the

eyes, to loosen in the shoulder some, let the chest be open, the belly soft. You may take some moments to feel the breath at the heart, just breathing in and out and feeling the sensations, feelings, the felt sense in the heart area. It's from this felt sense presence that you might begin to scan in your life and sense where you feel you might have caused injury to another person. And it could be something from the past or something ongoing, where you're ready to explore asking for forgiveness. And the truth is we've all caused injury, whether it's intentionally or unintentionally through our words or actions, out of our wants, our fears, our confusion, or the trance we've been in. So just a sense where this is true for you, bringing

one person into the foreground of your awareness. Allow yourself to review your experience with this person and sends into the place where you feel like you've caused harm, allowing yourself to feel the realness of the injury, whether it's been through neglect, judgment, aggression, some misdeed, some misunderstanding. It's just a thing. It's just a thing. It's just, Notice what it's like to let your body, your heart recognize and acknowledge, okay, hurting, this person's hurting or has been hurt. It's from that place of recognition, awakeness, that you might mentally whisper the person's name and say, I see and feel the hurt I've caused you, and I ask your forgiveness, please forgive me.

and repeating again, in that mental whisper, just feeling your heart speaking sincerely. Just be aware of your own experience as you ask for forgiveness. May I be forgiven? What's that like? We build on this by bringing our attention to forgiving ourselves. And you can choose to explore this by focusing on having caused harm to the person who you're just reflecting on. Or if there's something else you'd like to explore it with, some other way that you feel

that you're not forgiving of yourself. Take a moment to sense. How are you pushing yourself out of your own heart? unforgiving in some way making war creating an enemy out of a part of yourself letting whatever situation that brings us to mind be right in the foreground

of ways that you've behaved to cause harm to yourself or others that feel unforgivable and see if you can deepen your attention as you bear witness to what seems unforgivable to what's behind your behavior, your way of acting. See if you can see the wants or the fears, the confusion, your own hurts, that might have brought this behavior into activity that might have been a cause.

So you're widening the investigation to sense what's behind the ways you've been. You might look as if you're looking through the eyes of a very wise being at yourself, being that can really see the pain or suffering that often leads us to cause suffering. Can you see what unmet needs were there, fear, hurt, wants, that led you to behaving as you did? As you see your own vulnerability and humanness, beginning to mentally whisper the blessing of forgiveness to yourself. It may be just simply I see and feel the harm I've caused and I forgive myself now. I've not yet ready to forgive. It's my intention to forgive myself.

You might choose to simply use the words forgive. forgiven, forgiven. I'd encourage you to experiment with putting your hand on your heart as you do so so you're really communicating a message from your awakened heart to your human heart. Forgiven, forgiven. So that even if it's just simply an intention begins to open the door. Forgiven, forgiven. And as you explore this, if it feels really difficult,

difficult, you can also imagine and sense a being wise and loving, vast presence that's whispering the message to you that that being's touch is coming through your own hand to your heart. Forgiven, forgiven. So you sense that in this universe there's a loving presence that can see the vulnerability and offer you care. Forgiven, forgiven. Just noticing your experience as there's even the intention to offer this kindness and compassion to yourself. How does the sense of who you are shift with the offering of forgiveness?

So we continue, now bring to mind a person who we feel unforgiving towards, someone who's in some way injured us, and that we feel that armoring of anger or hatred, judgment, resentment, resentment. It could be a very deep betrayal, or could be just someone that has in some way violated your boundaries, your sense of what you needed, and that you're just unable to feel a sense of human care towards or connection. You can pick what level. That someone where there's separation, distance,

that you'd like to explore this forgiving with. And as you let someone come into focus, come into the foreground, you might select a situation that really exemplifies how this person's hurt you, what might have given rise to the armoring of anger, judgment, or hatred. The first part of forgiving is a courageous willingness to feel where the painful, wounded place is. So for now, just to bring your attention to where you feel hurt, where you feel afraid, where the anger is coming from, feeling into your body, your throat, your chest, your belly. It can be helpful sometimes to put your hand on your heart as a way of accompanying you, like that there's a sense of presence that's accompanying this experience

of self-compassion right now. So in a way you're sending a message to the wounded place, I'm here, I'm with you, I care. And as you deepen your attention to this place inside you, the source of the armoring, you might listen and sense, what is it most need right this moment? Is there any particular experience or message or reminder? Sometimes it's simply feeling recognized by us. Sometimes it needs protection to feel held. sometimes understanding, sometimes simply acceptance that it's here.

See if you can offer what's needed or call on some presence and love in this universe that can help you to offer that. It's that offering of compassion to the wounded place that actually softens and opens us to being able to be in different relationship with the person who's caused harm. You can begin to turn the attention to that person and see, if you can, behind the mask, behind the behavior that was harmful, how that person might have been caught in a trance of fear, wanting, confusion, unmet needs, just to sense the vulnerability that's there. How is that person in some way caught?

and reactive, unfree, suffering themselves. And it's from that place of seeing clearly, that heart vision, you can begin to offer the phrases of forgiveness, mentally whispering the person's name. I see and feel pain that you've caused me, the harm that you've caused me, and I forgive you now, or not yet ready. It's my intention to forgive you.

Again, letting yourself take in the other person's vulnerability and woundedness and offering the phrases of compassion and forgiveness. I see and feel the harm you've caused me, and I forgive you now, or if not yet ready, it's my intention to forgive you. I'm allowing the attention now to let go of any ideas of self and other, the story of what's happened, and just bring your attention in a very simple way to your own body and heart.

And take a moment to scan and see if in this moment you're in any way judging the practice of forgiveness. how you are navigating it. And if you notice that there's some background judgment floating around, you might again, with a very sincere intention, offer the simple wish, forgiven, forgiven. May I let go? May I hold myself with kindness? And we'll continue just to sit in silence

and see if you can let whatever arises in awareness be touched with a heart of compassion. We began with the heart wisdom of Rumi, not to seek for love, but to seek and discover whatever blocks we have created against it, the ways we create separation. We close again with the words of the poet Rumi. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn't make any sense.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.