Tara Brach - Mindful Speech

Episode Date: November 16, 2011

2011-11-16 - Mindful Speech - Deception, gossip and aggressive speech are pervasive in our culture. This talk looks at the roots of these forms of communication, and the way they entrap us in a contracted and separate sense of self. We then explore the practices that help us speak from a courageous presence, wisdom and love. Please support this podcast by donating at www.tarabrach.com or www.imcw.org. Your donation makes a difference! Thank you!

Given there's a number of new people listening tonight that are here, just to say that tonight's talk is a little different than what we normally do because it's going to be directly focused on how we speak with each other in the world. And I find that spiritual practice is often compartmentalized. And we think of spiritual practices when we're on our meditation cushions or at a class or on the top of a mountain in reverie or whatever, but these special circumstances. And yet huge swaths of our day are in what we might call very ordinary mode of at work, talking with colleagues, with our children or our partner,

talking and negotiating life circumstances or doing errands or whatever. And unless we can find a way to bring a wakeful quality of heart and mind and infuse it into what we think of as the ordinary moments, most of our life is that big in-between zone that ends up being vacant. And there's not a integration or maturity to our waking up. So we'll explore those moments when we're speaking with each other tonight. And I could spend a year on this. And we could just keep on exploring it. And I'll say to start that if you did nothing else for a long time,

but bring a real dedicated attention to how you speak with other people, you'd find it profoundly liberating. Really free. There's a story of a big, tough samurai who goes to see a monk. And he says in a voice accustomed to obedience, instant obedience. He said, monk, teach me about heaven and hell, you know. And the monk looked at this mighty warrior and replied with utter disdain, teach you about heaven and hell.

He says, I couldn't teach you about anything. You're dirty. And you smell. and your blade is rusty. You're a disgrace and an embarrassment to the samurai class. Get out of my sight. I can't stand you. And so the samurai is furious,

and he's shaking and getting all red in the face and speechless with rage, so he pulls out his sword and raises it above and preparing to slay the monk. That's hell, the monk says softly. The samurai is overwhelmed with the compassion and surrender of this little man who's offered his life to give him this teaching.

He's almost given himself for that. And he's so overwhelmed that he puts his sword down. He's filled with gratitude. He's suddenly peaceful. And that's heaven, the monk said softly. How we relate to each other can either bring an experience of heaven of freedom, of this loving that's not being held back, that's flowing, of creativity, of beauty,

of mystery, of adventure. It can be heaven. Or it can be a contraction where we're stuck inside a very small sense of self. And it's usually a sense of self that feels insecure and ashamed but not really good about itself, even when we're at our most arrogant, that's hell. So how do we wake up and begin to really be with each other in a way that is expressing presence?

Really expressing presence, not being automatic, not being reactive. So one thing to name is that wise speech, which is our topic for the evening, speech is considered to be one of the eightfold path. It's clustered with working mindfully, mindful work and mindful action. And this cluster of being in the world is guided by this basic understanding that our freedom, an expression of spirit, is reverence for life. So mindful speech comes out of reverence for life, a deep respect, a deep love for life.

And I can say for myself that I've had many rounds of recognizing that I was in some habit pattern of unmindful speaking. And we're going to go over some of the main categories of unmindful speaking so that we can be more alert to it. But I'd recognize it and really get the duca, which is the word for suffering, how much it was creating separation, how much it was keeping separation, how much it was keeping. me inside a mind state that wasn't pleasant. And so I've had many rounds of seeing that and rededicating to really focusing my attention on training in mindful speaking and speaking from the heart and speaking from an embodied place.

And I forget all the time. It's so easy to go into a transfer when we're with each other. But I find that each time I dedicate myself, there's some deepening in my residing in my remembrance about it. So my hope for you tonight is that as we go through these areas of where we really go into trance with each other and get reactive, that you'll flag what's relevant to you. And that as I've experienced, you'll deepen the attention in a way that really opens up life.

Then when we're on the road, so to speak, when we're out in the field, with other people, it becomes a really interesting journey because we know that each conversation is an opportunity, each one, to remember that reverence and to speak from the whole of who we are. So the basic guidelines that the Buddha offered us in wise speech or mindful speech are very simple. He said, speak what is true and speak what is helpful. And make sure that both are there, you know, that it's true and helpful. And so on the surface, this is very straightforward and clean and simple and beautiful. And it's really, really challenging.

It's really challenging because often what we feel is truthful to say, doesn't, maybe isn't so, doesn't seem so helpful how we're doing it. And sometimes what might seem helpful doesn't feel so on the mark true. So it's an inquiry. Now, the domains that the Buddha described that include wise speech are to abstain from false speech, which means what's untrue, which includes lies, but it also includes white lies. And it includes exaggeration. Okay, so that's one of the three that I'm going to talk about tonight.

And then he said to abstain from slander, which includes ways that we might condemn people, often behind their back, but it also includes gossip. Okay. So I'm kind of giving you the range a little bit. And the third thing was avoid harsh speech, which could be anything from directly aggressive blasting somebody to a more passive, aggressive, a little bit of guilt induction or whatever. So these are our domains. And so we're going to look at how even the subtle versions of these, just some white lies or some gossip or, you know, however we indirectly say things,

can really trap us in a spiritual, trap us from and keep us from discovering and living from who we can be. So we'll take them one by one. And when we begin with false speech, untrue speech, this is pretending, exaggerating lying, and so on. If you look in Amazon for books on deception, there's a huge number of them. It's an increasing number in the field about, you know, what makes us lie, how can we do it, and how frequently we do it.

some of these might sound familiar as just the most popular white lies. It wasn't me. Gee, you haven't changed a bit. The check is in the mail. I never got the message. She's only a friend. Oh, your baby looks so beautiful. And that looks really good on you.

I'm starting my diet. it on Monday. Thank you. Dinner was so delicious. And this is called a dude lie. My best friend's a good guy. He's just finding his way. Translation. He's an alcoholic and a womanizer. Can't hold down a job, but I've known him since we were 12, so I can't say anything. So these are from the internet, and we know them. We know how often it is that we exaggerate our, our are saying things that aren't exactly what we really mean. It's a habit. And there's a consequence.

But the reason it is so pervasive, deception is so pervasive is that it's one of the main tools in evolution for surviving, for getting what we need, and for gaining advantage. You know, camouflage, take camouflage. Give you a few more examples because I was just reading this, week about a certain kind of hawk that they found in France that the males have permanent female plumage and it's and they're not attacked as much but from other other males don't

attack them so much and they get all sorts of benefits and then I was reading about these garter snakes and they when they come out of hibernation they emit these feminine hormones and what happens is that garter snakes form mating balls of about 100 males to a female. And when these snakes come out of, out of hibernation and emit the feminine pheromones, all the males cluster around them and warm them up. And then once they're warm enough because they come out really cold, then they stop emitting the pheromone and the guys leave and they go on. So it's the way they get a snake hug, you know?

I think it's kind of cool. Okay, in Brazil, the large cats, there's some large cats. that mimics the cry of a baby monkey. And then when the other monkey's concerned come and try to find the baby, you know what happens, pounce, right? So there's that one. One more. Baby German cockroaches.

It just seems so far-fetched. Anyway, of both sexes mimic the feel and smell of adult females, and it dupes the adult into spreading wings and exposing hidden pantries of food underneath. So again, it's just these pretenses that we do too. I mean, you know, humans have our whole range. And what they do is they give us certain kinds of gains and they protect us.

And so it's what I sometimes call a false refuge. It's very compelling. It's very effective. And it causes us trouble in the long run. So we can see it in our personal history will, will incline us towards more deception. You know, if we grew up in a family that was very punishing, you know, there was a real consequence to truth,

then you can see the children that lie the most. You know, it's to protect them from getting in trouble for something. And we can see it for ourselves. I mean, I was noticing the other day I was going to a doctor's appointment, and I had decided to get a few more things done before I left, And so I was late. And I watched my mind making up excuses about the traffic as I was going there what I was going to say that wasn't true. And it's like I kept saying, you know, you're not going to say this.

But then my mind would come up with another excuse that wasn't real, you know. And so our minds just do it. There's this kind of way that we want to protect ourselves from looking bad or getting in trouble. And then, of course, you know, it happens in relationships in one of the most difficult ways. and I'll give you an example of this later, is lying about other relationships to a partner to avoid jealousy or more conflict or some sort of punitive behavior.

Some of you might remember the story of this young man, John, who invites his mother to dinner, and during the meal, John's mother can't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate is. And so she's long been suspicious of relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. and watching them interact over the evening, she really wondered there was more to this relationship than met the eye. So reading his mother's thoughts, the guy volunteers, he says, look, I know what you might be thinking,

but I assure you that Carrie and I are just roommates. About a week later, Carrie came to John and said, you know, ever since your mother came here for dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver soup ladle. You don't think she did something with it, do you? So he says, I doubt it. I'll email her just in case. So he writes, Dear mother, I'm not saying you did or did not do anything with a soup ladle,

but it's odd that it disappeared after the dinner. Do you know anything about this? Later, he received an email from his mother that read, Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Carrie, and I'm not saying that you don't. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the soup ladle by now. So when we expect some sort of punishment, we shape events a certain way.

And we will lie for personal gain. And again, we can see it in our history. If we did not get the attention we needed, of our needs were not met, then we'll use exaggeration and we'll misrepresent ourselves in order to get the attention and the approval that we are longing for. So you can see it. I mean, how many of us will exaggerate something positive, exaggerate an achievement or the kind of good feedback we got from someone, you know, the classic fish stories of how big was it. You know, we do that. We also pretend with each other to agree sometimes to, we kind of mime each other in a way so that we can have more connection. So we sometimes withholds. or misrepresent our beliefs or where we're at so that we can just be getting along

and having good feelings with other people. So the suffering of this, you know, because sometimes little white lies might seem they're fine, and sometimes there's probably an intelligence to them, but the habit of misrepresenting, of withholding information, of not speaking truth,

really in the deep way it affects our soul it affects the clarity and brightness of our being there's been I've described here a description of what people what one hospice worker found was really most important or most biggest regrets when people are dying

and one of them that struck me was this one. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings to speak what was true for me. That there's a sense that if we were at the end of our life looking back, we would be really dedicated

to not exaggerating or pretending or being other than who we are because there's a karma to it. And the karma is this. that in any moment that we misrepresent, we create distance. We can't be intimate if we're not being real. We create a distance where we're not able to really trust ourselves or the other person because, well, if they knew the truth, then something bad would happen.

I'd get punished. So we can't trust the relationship because it's based on a false assumption. We're not speaking truth. And in a very deep way, and this is a situation. thing I want to emphasize tonight is that when we don't speak from a place of truth and clarity, our identity becomes small. We become identified with the self that has to defend and pretend. We reinforce a sense of a small self. I saw it, I call this a spacesuit self that's trying to make it through life, but we get identified with a space suit that's pretending something. And it's very hard to

remember and be at home with who we really are. We can't discover that. The more we are in the habit of exaggerating or misleading or misrepresenting, the more we actually do it in our own mind to ourselves. In other words, if we're lying to the world, we also misrepresent reality to ourselves. It's not like we're lying to the world, but we stay very clear with truth in ourselves. We have to deceive ourselves. So it's a false refuge. One woman, this is an example for you, who lied about a relationship when she was engaged with her husband to be, she continued a relationship with an old flame. And she lied about that to her husband. And he, even after they were married was suspicious because the two still had a friendship and there was something he detected. And

she had stopped the relationship, but she kept the lie. And then she had a, Because he was suspicious and jealous, she felt resentful of him. And then she added lies upon lies. And it was poisonous. It was a real wedge in the relationship. And what happened was they could never address the original wound, the original mistrust because she kept adding on layers, which is the problem, that when we take false refuge,

when we use the defense and armor of lies we can't actually name and touch and bring healing to the place inside us that's afraid that needs support that in some way is not at home with ourselves so in the deepest way not speaking truth obscures our true nature we are identified with the self

who's exaggerating and can't really be in touch with who we are Now this is true in our individual relationships and it's also true in the larger world that if as a society we don't name what's true, you know, just the way she couldn't name the disease in her relationship, but if we don't name what's true, we don't have a shared understanding of what needs attention. So consider the disaster for our earth. If we can't name the truth of global warming, if we can't name the truth of how much toxicity is in our air and our water and entering our bodies. And if we can't name the truth of all

the animals that are struggling because of the way humans are treating this earth, we'll never address it. Our world, as we're doing now, address it in such a limp manner as to not in any way meet the tragedy that's befallen our precious planet. If we can't name the truth, it's disaster. Consider the suffering when we can't name the truth of the violence that happens to certain people in certain places and the social injustice that happens. If we don't name that it's really true and happening, if we turned a blind eye, what's the result? This is Martin Niemler, who's a German pastor. He said, first they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me. So you might just take a moment. We'll reflect with each of these categories, just to take a moment, to close your eyes, and just sense, if you can, with interest. And this reflection requires your interests, not judgment, an interest in a care, to just notice for yourself where in your life you might be in the habit of either lying about something, are slanting things a certain way to make a point

or exaggerating to get approval or impress where you might withhold something that's true out of fear where you might not be speaking your truth or where you might be speaking something

that's not quite true and it may be that this is not something that matches for you. You might find that you feel aligned and that is good to honor. But if it's not the case, this can be a real gift to the soul to begin to notice, oh, this is something I want to really become more aligned in. If you notice areas where you feel that you exaggerate or lie or withhold, you might sense when a lot or you might sense when or how that happens. And what your sense of self is

when you're using false speech or withholding truth, what's your sense of self at those moments? Just so you have a flag, a reminder. And just taking a few full breaths and come on back. That's one category. Okay? Now the next category is slander,

It's more light form is called gossip. And this is something we do when we in some way want, we all compare ourselves to others. And gossip or slander comes when we in some way want to put someone down or put ourselves out. It creates division. I mean, gossiping creates division. There's that person and then there's us or me.

So from an evolutionary perspective, I'm not sure of other animals that gossip regularly are slander each other. But I do have one story to share that, you know, after retreat we often feel very open and raw and so on. And sometimes at the end of retreat I share this little story or this cartoon of there's this mess of sheep, a flock of sheep. And then these two that are kind of over on the side and they're obviously talking about one of the sheep in the group. And they say, you know, every time she comes back from being sheared, she can't stop talking about how vulnerable. she feels. So that's sheep gossiping at least. So what makes it hard to give up? I mean, think of it. I remember when one of my teacher, Joseph Goldstein, was talking about his

practices with wise or mindful speech, and he was describing gossiping. And again, it's one of these incredibly pervasive things. Talking about others when they're not there, and a way that's not completely reverential, right? I mean, it happens a lot. So, you know, to say to yourself, okay, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to talk behind anybody's back in a way that I wouldn't speak right to their face. So that's what he committed to. And he said he had conversations with others, had a lot of silence, a lot of quietness, you know.

So what makes it so hard to give up? You know, and part of it, as I mentioned, is that there's some pleasure, some sense of boosting and inflating, you know, filling out of the who we are when the other is slightly less. It makes, you know, there's putting us up, putting other down. But it's incredibly seductive. I mean, think of the best-selling papers in the world or the tabloids at newspapers at a supermarket, right? And what are they? I mean, they're just basic gossip slander about people that are very well known, and we have some fascination that we can't get rid of.

We get interested and we get entertained, and this mind is restless, and we find with others that sometimes it's the easiest pathway with people that are friends or partners or whatever to entertain ourselves and boost ourselves by talking in a slightly disparaging way are a very disparaging way about others. And it causes suffering. And just to say that slander doesn't always,

it's not just what we say, it's also what we don't say. Because if we're with a group of people that are slandering or talking in a demeaning way about some other group, some other group in the population that's a minority, making jokes that are demeaning. And we don't in some way say anything

if we laugh along, if we act like we're part of it. We're part of it. So the suffering of it is that in any moment that we have any judgment and we speak out that judgment actually makes it more full-blown

about others, a negative-averse of judgment, we are basically creating that armoring around our heart that pushes others away. We're distancing from others, and we're creating a self that is in some way an aversive self. That is our space suit identity.

And by the way, it doesn't matter whether we are insecure, and it makes us feel actually, it kind of reinforces insecurity when we talk about others, or it makes us feel grandiose. One friend described he and his co-workers would go to a bar after hours and talk about their boss, who they kind of collectively disliked.

And he was a very controlling guy or whatever. But he told me that after some months of it, he realized he always left feeling a little bit slimy. Do you know what I mean? That word was the best, and I thought it was such a right word, that you just don't quite like yourself. You can feel that it's a little bit slimy to be talking about others

and that when we start committing ourselves to mindful speech, you start becoming even more sensitive to it feeling like a contraction in your own heart when you speak about another in a way that's so far from reverential. Let's just take a moment to reflect on that one together. So this is just again with interest without adding judgment to yourself because we know if we are very hooked on gossiping in a negative way about others,

our mind gossips negatively about ourselves. Judgment is judgment. It gets directed outward and inward. So sensing where this might be true for you, sensing where you might talk behind people's back, in a way that you wouldn't want them to know you wouldn't want them to hear you directly noticing your sense of yourself

when you're in the midst of that do you like yourself is this the heart mind that you have touched at other times when you're really open and free can you sense a difference can you feel it in your body Can you feel it in your mind, the difference of the self-sense when you're talking about another

in a slightly disparaging way and who you are when you're sincere and open-hearted in yourself? Just to notice that. And take a few full breaths. Okay, this is the last one. The guideline to refrain from harsh speech, meaning speech that will cause pain. It could be harsh speech that we're scolding or attacking directly. It could be harsh speech that there's kind of an insult,

that we're insulting somebody, putting them down. And many of us know this one. It's the speech we regret often, but it comes out more impulsively than the others. It's a little less deliberate often. And it's when a child doesn't cooperate and we kind of lash out or we say consequences, we start threatening. Our partner comes home late and doesn't drive the way we want them to.

Driving's off in the place where a lot comes out. Have you noticed that? It really brings up a lot. It happens with people that live together. Somebody leaves a mess. Somebody spends money in a way that we don't think is right. Judgment, lashing out. So that's harsh speech.

And it always has the intention to control in some way, that we're trying to control or push away. So the guidelines, again, to speak what's true and what's helpful. And with harsh speech, we might say things that are true. But if the way we say it is angry, aversive, wanting to hurt, does it help? Now I'm often asked the question, so when somebody has caused harm or we're supposed to be all nicey nice, you know, like, and we're not supposed to, you know, speak, you know, and this goes for the slander thing. We're not supposed to speak negatively and we're not supposed to have any anger at all. And so, and the response to that, because that's a really big question, is that, of course, we have to speak the difficult truths. withholding the difficult

truth is the inaction the not speaking is an action and you know because we don't want violators to get away from harm it's like a new molar's thing if I didn't speak up for the socialists and for the Jews we have to speak up yet it's not so helpful

if it's coming from a place of anger or hatred why because the very thing we're speaking up about some violation we're just adding another violence to it, our energy. And the truth is that when we speak, people hear the tone of our voice.

They hear the energy. They take the energy that we're communicating way more fully than the content of our words. So if you're trying to communicate something, and it's a truth, but it's the energy of anger, you're just not going to be effective. It's not like you shouldn't do it. just it's not so effective. Does that make sense? Speaking what's true and what's helpful.

So our anger is intelligent. It tells us, oh, a violation. Oh, I need to protect something. But if we don't have the capacity to wait a bit and speak from the intelligence behind the anger, then we just don't end up getting an outcome that's helpful. So the suffering of harsh speech, more violence. It reinforces the neural pathways in our own mind and body. So we get the biochemistry of aggression, of stress, armored heart. In other words, it keeps us trapped in an identity of an aggressive, threatened self. So again, I ask you to reflect. Just take a moment.

And just sense where for you you might be paying more attention to harsh speech and whether it's the aggressive version or the passive aggressive version where there's some guilt

in some way coming and sideways where you are landing your judgment anyway but just sensing where that might be the case for you and when it

happens whether it's with a child, a partner a colleague your sense of your own self how does it feel in those moments how does it feel right afterwards

and taking a few full breaths so then the inquiry turns us to this if we begin to identify where we are not mindful where we are in some way in the grip of reactivity that's a huge

huge step towards coming into wise speech into having a very healing way of being with each other. It really is the shift from hell to heaven. And how do we activate that? There's a few pieces that are important. The first is obviously your commitment. If you, after listening, have something more in you that feels dedicated to speaking from presence, to speaking in a way that's wise and healing, that is a way that is

that opens the door in a big way. Then there's a few key pieces. One is getting the knack of pausing, that when you're speaking, and if you find yourself gossiping or you find yourself, you're getting aggressive in some way, or you find yourself exaggerating, that you get the knack of pausing in the midst,

are pausing before you say something's even harder, but there's three different possibilities. either you're going to do it, you're going to have the sense of about to say something and you're going to pause. That's the hardest. Catch yourself in the middle, a little bit easier. Or afterwards you pause and you reflect and you learn something from it for the next time. The main thing is don't get judgmental of yourself or punishing because that really binds the whole deal up, okay? Just pausing when you can.

So that's the first piece. You'll remember that line I love so much. between the stimulus and the response, there is a space, and in that space is our power and our freedom. So there's gonna be a stimulus for you to say something. And if you can pause at some point, that space will begin to tap you into the freedom

that's possible. That's the first. The second is learning to inquire and find out your intention. What's the intention under what's going on? If you're gossiping, what's your intention? If you're getting harsh, what's your intention? If you are finding yourself exaggerating, what's your intention? Because when you can catch your intention, more of you's resting in that wakefulness than the space suit self that's acting,

and you can have more choice. That's the second part. Look at the outcome. Start looking. What's the outcome when I do this? What's the outcome of exaggerating, of gossiping, of being aggressive? When we can start seeing the outcome that's called the karmic consequence, we realize it creates distance. I don't feel good about myself when this happens. That's another piece that's really important. Pamitroderen says we don't set out to save the world. We set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people's hearts. I think that's so beautiful. What if we really looked at the outcome of how we speak? How does this affect another person's heart? Is what I'm saying in some way being helpful? An example just to share with you of a woman that

I worked with some, she was a long time meditator and she had had a decades long kind of standoff with her older sister. They were very, very different. She was really bright and but very kind of confrontational and idealistic and opinionated, this woman that I'm talking about. And her older sister was more conventional. I mean, this woman growing up, she was impulsive and she was the family bad girl and she'd always get into trouble.

So she and her older sister very different temperaments and ended up not having much. to do with each other as adults but when after their dad died and their mom got sick they ended up coming together around different you know times for family gatherings and at one she went ready for difficulty because she always deep down felt like you know that her sister was the one rejecting her that was the feeling she had that she was too much too much to handle that feeling so there they are she's going to the Thanksgiving gathering she's ready for difficulty and they start talking about her mother's diet because her mother

had been sick and she started and this woman starts suggesting maybe a gluten-free diet would be helpful and you know the problems with gluten and what yeast and so on and so forth and her sister said oh everything's got to fit into your philosophy doesn't it and something like that and so this woman kind of left when she had a chance and she was really felt hurt and once again there was a sense that she just doesn't like who I am and she you know there's always something wrong with the way I act or speak and I can't make her like me and she doesn't understand you know she went through this whole thing and then she paused and she started asking herself okay so what was my intention and talking even about the gluten and she realized you know in some way she wanted to be helpful

but she could feel in herself that she was also trying to kind of assert herself as kind of And again, I know all about this. You know, in some way, in some way, she's trying to get recognized for her brightness and her knowledge and so on. And so she saw that and she said, okay, so that's my intention. And what's the outcome? Well, it puts her off. When I'm the one that knows stuff and I'm the one that's, you know,

got a kind of plan of action and has a strong belief or opinion, it puts her off. So she started seeing the outcome of that. And then she had this prayer, which I think is really beautiful, which was, not my will, but my heart's will. Not my will, but my heart's will. Like, my will is, you know, my will, my ego wants to assert itself and prove itself and be the smart one and the clever one. My heart's will, what does my heart want? And that's when she got down to a deeper intention.

I really want to sense the possibility of us holding a space together of care. I want to find that with her. She went back into the room where everybody was and was quieter for the rest of the evening, but still, you know, kind of, she didn't assert her opinions or anything very much. But she did at some point, you know, she was talking to her sister comment on her niece, her sister's daughter and how her niece had come into her own in a way with so much composure and grace much like her, her older sister. So she basically said something very affirmative, which was a surprise to her older sister. They left and the next time they got together,

there was a lot more ease and at some point they laughed over an old family story and later that night her sister confessed what a hard time she had been having with her teenage son and something had shifted and then she asked her then her older sister told her well thank you for being a shoulder to lean on you know and that was the beginning of a real shift and what she would do over and over again when they were together on some level saying not my will but my heart's well and she just kind of didn't follow her old patterns of trying to prove herself with her speech Why speech arises from presence It really arises from presence

It's just like meditation It takes practice because we have habits of a lifetime Of how we want to show ourselves to the world That space suit itself has a way of talking It's very hard unless we learn to pause Unless we ask ourselves really What's my intention for this Unless we start looking

What's the outcome when I say this? and then remember what matters to us. Those are the steps. So just to last piece I'd like to do, is just to name a little bit of the blessings of coming into this presence and naming what's true, but with a lot of heart. And one of the blessings is that it allows

for a profound intimacy with others. I mean, the given is that we have a lot of, each of us has a lot of, imperfections and what we'd call flaws. And if we can acknowledge them and not cover them up, then we can work with them with each other. Robert Johnson writes this. He says, the night before their marriage, they held a ritual where they made their shadow vows. The groom said, I will give you an identity and make the world see you as an extension of myself. The bride replied, I will be compliant and sweet, but underneath I will have the real control.

If anything goes wrong, I will take your money in your house. Then they drank champagne and laughed heartily at their foibles, knowing that in the course of the marriage, these shadow figures would inevitably come out. They were ahead of the game because they had recognized the shadow and unmatched it. Do you see? We spend so much energy covering the shadow, feeling like it's unsafe that we have to defend and protect and cover.

what if we started practicing naming what's true naming the truth so then there's speaking the truth of what's good to be able to just as this woman did with her sister name what we see that is good it's as Naomi Rachel Remen describes she describes her grandfather doing that she said he died when she was seven she said she had never lived in a world without him in it before and it was hard He had looked at me, she writes, as no one else had, and he called me by a special name, Nishumala, which means little beloved soul. There was no one left to call me this anymore. At first I was afraid that without him to see me and tell God who I was, I might disappear.

But slowly over time I came to understand that in some mysterious way, I had learned to see myself through his eyes, and that once blessed, we are blessed forever. many years later when in her extreme old age my mother surprisingly began to light candles and talk to god herself i told her about these blessings and what they had meant to me she had smiled at me sadly i've blessed you every day of your life rachel she told me i just never had the wisdom to do it out loud So wise speech, speaking from presence, is really an opportunity to offer our blessings. If we can really begin to sense the possibility of speaking from a loving heart. Tickna Hahn puts it this way.

He says, when you say something like I love you with your whole being, not just with your mouth or your intellect, it can transform. form the world. So we think about that. Can we do that? I mean, we very often say, love you honey or whatever, you know, but how often do we like really stop and really get present and really say that truth that we love someone? We're shy about it. We're scared. But when we practice speaking those truths, whether it's I love you or I see your goodness, Neshimala, little beloved soul. When we speak from that loving place, it's amazing how profoundly helpful it is.

Because we all need that. We need each other to mirror that. We need to be reminded. It's a blessing. Remember Mother Teresa saying that kind words ripple out endlessly. It's true. So this is the opposite of harsh speech. when we have this take practice in kind words.

They ripple out endlessly. As a little bit of a closing, we're speaking a lot about individually, it can be built into the culture, this speaking from presence, from heart. And again, Rachel Naomi Remen, I'd like to share with you. She went to Fiji,

and she was describing some of the, what good manners was in Fiji. And I really love this. She said she was in a hotel and the brochure was quite specific. She's telling me not to be alarmed if I found myself greeted by strangers and indeed people would think

it rude if I did not respond in kind. The proper form was to make eye contact and acknowledge each other every single person by nodding and smiling or by saying, Bula. So she was raised in New York City. She said she thought that would be extremely unwise to go around saying, Bula to everyone.

But she decided to try it. So she said, this is what it means. You walk down the street to a post office to buy a stamp for a postcard. On the way, you might pass three or four people, greeting each one of them with a nod or Bula, and receiving their greeting. You buy your stamp, a transaction which takes only a moment. Walking back, you pass the very same people, and it's expected that you greet them again, even though you passed by only moments ago.

annoying at first by the end of a week it had become second nature. Then I returned to the States. Rushing out to fill an empty refrigerator, I found myself on a busy street in California, all alone. No one made eye contact. No one greeted me. No one smiled. In some very profound way, I felt both invisible and diminished,

yet the street was totally familiar. It was my home. The Fijians are aware of a basic human law. We all influence one another. We're part of each other's reality. There's no such thing as passing someone and not acknowledging your moment of connection, not letting others know their effect on you

and seeing yours on them. For Fijian's connection is natural, just the way the world is made. Here, we pass each other with our lights out as ships in the night. So the invitation in our personal lives and as a culture is to wake up our hearts

and express these hearts with kind speech, with wise speech, speaking our truths, really showing up. So I'd like to close with just a very brief reflection, if you will,

just to close your eyes. In a very direct way, we're exploring this inquiry of what creates suffering and what really allows us to be free. And as I mentioned earlier, if we did nothing but really dedicate our attention to speaking from presence, these hearts would blossom.

So taking some moments right now just to bring to mind a situation where you might have noticed you habitually get caught in some version of unwise speech, some version of not being present, not being open-hearted, bringing that to mind. Just bringing to mind a situation. Just picking one, and this will give you something that you can, if you have one specific place to pay attention,

you'll find a lot more waking up than if you leave this talk and think, okay, I'm going to be mindful in every situation. One situation, stopping at the frame in that situation where you might get triggered, where you might

in some way, out or exaggerate or withhold information or speak about another person in a not conscious way. So you stop at that frame and just notice your intention. What intention you're coming from when you're getting caught? Is it just to kind of distract yourself or entertain yourself? Is it to impress? What kind of are you trying to control something? Just noticing your intention and the outcome. What's the outcome of it. How does it end up making you feel, make others feel? Do you like yourself in those situations? And sense your deepest intention. What is your deepest intention? How do you want to speak? What's the effect you want to have? Where do you want to be living from in your own being?

You might just imagine if you could pause and remember this in this situation, how things might unfold. And just feeling your aspiration to speak from presence in this situation, in the situations of your life. We close with a very simple prayer of Mata. May we remember and feel that purity of heart that's really our Buddha nature, that purity of heart that cares about and reveres this life. May we remember that. May we call on that. And may we see that purity and goodness in each other and call that out. Bring that out. Help it to blossom. May all beings realize and trust the loving presence that is their true nature. Namaste. The talk you just listened to has been freely offered. If you'd like to make a donation, learn more about my

schedule are about programs offered by the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, please visit either my website, which is tarabrock.com, our IMCW site, which is IMCW.org. Thank you very much.